March 4, 2025 • 26 mins
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Ep #83 - Tired of getting sucked into unproductive arguments online and in real life? Then you might be ready to break free from The Blame Game.
The unproductive nature of blame hinders our growth and relationships. While it feels good to blame others, this primal instinct is not conducive to problem-solving or even to making progress.
But the brain is wired for blame, not praise, so breaking free from this basic human process takes intention—and practice/ So if you want to design your best life, let's start rewiring for praise and progress!
With personal anecdotes from a career in event management, we'll examine the importance of taking responsibility and cultivating empathy, emotional intelligence, and collaboration. Let's become aware of the dangers of manipulation and fearmongering, and focus on our own rest and self-care during these disturbingly turbulent times.
Share your thoughts! Text in your answer to: How do you stop your thoughts from spiraling when you're in a negative headspace; what do you do to interrupt that train of thought? Don't forget to include your name and where you're from!
Your answer might be read on a future episode, so we can all learn from each other.
To get the full show notes, and an episode transcript, go to PauletteErato.com/shownotes. This is episode 83.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Buen dia, mi gente, and welcometo La Vida Más Chévere de
Childfree Latinas, the onlySpanglish podcast for childfree
Latinas y Latines, helping usliberate ourselves from the
toxic cultural brainwashing weall grew up with so that we can
design our best lives instead.
I'm your host andresident childfree
(00:22):
Latina, Paulette Erato.
Ever been stuck in asituation where everyone is
pointing fingers, but nobodyis offering any solutions?
It can feel like a tug-of-wargame from when we were kids.
You know, nobodywants to cede ground.
No one wants to admit faultor take responsibility.
Instead, everyone'sgot their hackles up.
(00:43):
They're wanting to layblame, but no one is
actually being heard.
Maybe you've been in afight with your spouse
where you call them onsomething you don't like.
Let's say it's something sillyand low stakes, like they screw
the lids on jars too tight.
You ask them to stopdoing that nicely.
And instead of saying, sure,okay, their response is to
(01:05):
get defensive and to put outsomething you do wrong, like
forgetting to take out the trashor to replace the toilet paper.
You know, and they know thatthis isn't productive and
it certainly isn't helpful.
So why does it happen?
Remember last episode, Iwalked through the thought
model and that how we reactto our circumstances is an
(01:26):
automatic behavior, but onethat we can learn to change?
Unfortunately, some peoplelearned really early on
that taking responsibilitycould bring them harm.
An article in Psychology Todaycalls it a parental witch
hunt when a child grows up inan environment where they're
subjected to punishment foreven the smallest infraction.
(01:46):
And then you end up withadults who are trying to
protect themselves to thedetriment of others, even
when they're in the wrong.
So, as a grown adult, theytend to deny responsibility and
deflect to avoid punishment,which is not a healthy behavior.
But again, you can unlearn it.
In my experience, the fastestway to defuse a situation like
(02:08):
this is to simply acknowledgeyour own role in the incident.
There may be no faster wayto end an argument than these
two little magical words.
You're right.
Because no one expects it.
What we do expect, what weusually get, is a fight.
So being the one to acceptresponsibility is kind of
(02:29):
like throwing water on a fire.
A small fire, like a campfire.
Because if there's anythingI've learned from growing
up in California with ourwildfires, is that sometimes
adding water to the situationactually makes it worse.
The heat generated fromthese fires is so intense,
it can literally split theoxygen and the hydrogen atoms
apart, which only createsmore fuel for the fire.
(02:53):
It's frightening how that works!Turns out, we should pay
attention to science!So maybe what you are is more
like a fire extinguisher.
The act of saying you'reright and accepting some
responsibility shortcircuits that death spiral
of anger and terminatesthat train of thought.
Which again, we learnedlast episode is a really
(03:15):
great skill to have.
More often than not, it alsoalleviates other people's
fears of being wrong andprompts the other people in
the room, or the other personin the argument, to come
forward and take responsibilityfor their parts too.
And then we can all moveforward towards resolution.
(03:38):
Let's talk about why itfeels good to blame someone.
You'd think with how easyit is to point fingers that
we're biologically wired asa species to do just that.
And you'd be right!An article in Fortune magazine
from 2015 points to a researchstudy that shows, quote,
"The human brain is wiredto react more emotionally
to the bad things people do.
(04:01):
That's why we tend toassign blame much faster
than we give compliments.
People are more likely toassume that good acts of
others are simply happenstance,but bad things are done on
purpose." Again, those primalinstincts of ours are at play.
All the armchair fire expertsand the Faux News pundits
(04:21):
have certainly had a heydaytalking about our wildfires.
Who's responsible?
Clearly it's the wokeidiots in California!
Okay, great.
So, what's the solution forfixing this and avoiding
it again in the future?
Oh yeah, they don't have any.
No solutions, justfinger pointing.
(04:45):
So why does it feelgood to blame someone?
Because it gives us a person orsomething outside of ourselves
to direct our feelings at.
Whether that be angeror disappointment or
betrayal or what have you.
Especially in this new andincreasingly horrifying normal
that we've developed sincewe inaugurated a convicted
(05:05):
felon, it's easy to pointfingers at everyone from the
Democrats who stayed home onelection night to the news
media who's given this orangeclown all of their attention
for the entire last decade.
Hey, don't look atme, I voted for her!
You've undoubtedlyheard this comment.
Maybe you've evensaid it yourself.
(05:26):
Denying our own culpabilityhelps to diminish any guilt
we might have from not doingmore or disappointment for
how it's all turned out.
Having a scapegoat andavoiding the burden of
responsibility means we canclaim our hands are clean.
Because if we can find thepeople who are directly
(05:47):
responsible, then we canforce them to face the
consequences and everythingwill go back to normal, right?
Right?
No! You know, that's not true,but the delight at being
right only offers a falsesense of control and closure.
The satisfactionis only short term.
The German word for this,and my apologies to German
(06:08):
speakers for butcheringthis pronunciation, but the
German word is schadenfreude.
What does that mean?
The Merriam Webster definitionis enjoyment obtained from
the troubles of others.
I don't know about you, but thatmakes me feel kind of gross.
We shouldn't be gettingour kicks at the
expense of other people.
That's toxic.
(06:29):
And we don't do that here.
Just like doomscrolling,which we also know is bad
for us, the good feelsdon't last long enough.
So blaming others feelsvalidating in the moment,
but it doesn't lead tomeaningful progress.
Which is what we're herefor, mis amigues, improving
ourselves beyond the basichuman who hasn't evolved past
(06:51):
their most primal instincts.
Remember that quote fromGovernor Pritzker last episode?
We're not basic.
We're evolved.
Some might even say extra.
And as we watch all oursacred hallmarks of democracy
being trashed in real timeby an immigrant who came here
illegally from South Africawith daddy's emerald mine
(07:12):
blood money to shield him fromconsequences and what Yahoo!
News is calling his goon squad,a group of college age hackers,
wannabe hackers, whose brainsaren't even fully developed
yet, so they don't realizethey're actively committing
treason, who is there to blame?
Who allowed this to happen?
(07:35):
How about a story?
I'm going to tell youabout two different times
when I was blamed for worksituations that were outside
of my direct control.
My previous career wasin event management.
I'm pretty sure I'vetalked about this before.
And after events, wehave what are called
post-mortems to addresswhat worked and what didn't.
You probably have these inyour jobs too, you call them
(07:55):
debriefs or reviews or audits.
Anyway, in both ofthese situations,
something went sideways.
Let's travel back intime to around 2008.
I was in my first role asa manager, overseeing a
team of people in an area Iwas not too familiar with.
Audio visual tech.
Anybody who's worked incorporate knows how common
(08:17):
and yet how stupid thiskind of org chart is.
Anyway my team of three menand I were responsible for
setting up educational webinars.
This was way before Zoom hadits foothold in everything
and we all knew how to use it.
And on our first attemptat making these webinars,
the tech failed.
Of course it did,because Murphy's Law.
(08:37):
I don't remember the specifics,this is like over 15 years ago,
but I do remember my boss andher boss were angry and they
wanted a sacrificial lamb.
Someone had to pay theprice for this screw up.
That was not a particularlygood work culture, clearly.
They were not leadingwith empathy or emotional
intelligence or even curiosity.
(09:00):
So knowing that my team were,if not at fault, at least
responsible, I walked into thatmeeting prepared to accept the
blame and then just move on.
Cause you know,tech shit happens.
We've all been there.
So I was in this meeting gettingyelled at for embarrassing
the company, and all I couldsay was, "yup that was our
(09:20):
fault." And suddenly somethinginteresting happened.
The air in the roomseemed to shift.
Apparently this was anunexpected move for them.
I think I might have shortcircuited their brains because
they were likely expecting meto blame something, anything,
to get out of being in trouble.
That's how they were used topeople operating, since that's
(09:41):
the basic human response.
Your girl's not basic though.
So I told management, we'dlook into the problem.
We'd develop some solutionsand fail safes to avoid
it happening again.
And then I asked, is thereanything else you need from me?
Y'all, I was barelyin my twenties.
I don't know where thiswisdom came from, but in that
(10:02):
moment, I felt like a genius.
Suddenly everyone calmeddown and I went from being
the scapegoat back to beinga trusted team member again.
And that felt good.
Now, do you think I turnedaround and then yelled
at my own direct reports?
Okay, maybe a teeny part of mewanted to, but of course not!
(10:24):
What would I have accomplishedfrom passing the buck and taking
my frustrations out on them?
I had a team of dedicatedprofessionals who knew their
jobs a hell of a lot betterthan I did, and my role was
to support them, and alsoshield them from the shit
that usually rolls downhill.
So our little team debriefwas more of a, "Hey, you
(10:45):
guys know management is mad.
So tell me what you thinkwent wrong and how are we
going to avoid this in thefuture?" And from there, two
beautiful things happened.
One is that my teamlearned I had their backs
and they could trust me.
And they'd go to batfor a manager like that.
That's a motivated employee.
(11:05):
The second thing that happenedis, since we'd already failed,
things could only get better.
So, we looked for solutions,we tested them again and
again, and then we neverhad that problem again.
I'm not saying we didn't haveother problems, but that one?
Mm mm. That's how youmanage situations like that.
Do I wish my managershad treated me the
(11:26):
way I treated my team?
Yes.
But I wasn't thatlucky back then.
What about when you aren'tat fault and no one else is
willing to take responsibility?
That's what thesecond story is about.
Let's fast forward to 2016.
You remember that year, right?
I had just gotten marriedand I was in a very
(11:47):
different job by that point.
This job, I managed avery large tradeshow and
conference for thousands ofpeople down in San Diego.
It was a big annual eventthat took months and a
team of people to organize.
And we'd gotten new managementat the company, and those
cost cutting MBAs did whatall MBAs are trained to do.
(12:07):
Cut waste.
Be more efficient.
Sound familiar?
Except these people hadreal credentials, and
fully formed brains.
So new management had abrilliant cost savings
idea that seemed to workat other, smaller events.
After probably a decade ofwasting money on postage
by mailing out name badges,they decided we're going to
(12:29):
print those on site instead.
My boss and I knew this was aterrible idea and not to bore
you with details about arrivalpatterns and all that, just
trust this wasn't going to work.
And we tried to tell them.
But management refusedto consider any outside
perspectives becausethey're MBAs, their fully
(12:50):
formed brains knew best.
But hey, they decided thatsending the vice president
of IT along would be agood use of their money
instead because he couldoversee the whole operation.
No worries.
I don't want to be suedfor slander, so I'm not
going to say nothing aboutthis man's reputation for
partying, but let's just sayit wasn't a great reputation.
(13:11):
By the way, this is thesame company where people
would leave for lunch andnever come back to work.
That's how they quit.
I heard one coworker wascaught embezzling funds,
so that should give youa peek into the culture.
And you can probablysee where this is going.
Cue to 7am on the firstday of the show, thousands
(13:31):
of people are in a massiveline, trying to get through
registration to get their damnbadges printed so they could
get inside to their meetings.
And they were all very angrythat they were being held up.
It was a giant clusterfuck.
That was only resolved whenmy boss's boss made the
call to bypass securityand just let everyone in.
(13:53):
We'd sort it out later.
But for about 30 to 45minutes that morning, we had
thousands of angry people whowere grossly inconvenienced
because there was a lot ofmoney on the line for them.
And they'd expected, they'dbecome accustomed to a
certain level of ease,of stuff just working.
When the company failed todeliver on that, they were
(14:15):
understandably furious.
And my company losta lot of goodwill.
Customer satisfaction plungeddeep into the crapper.
The situation was so bad thathours later, an attendee went to
the registration staff and stillraging in his anger, demanded
to see me so they could quote,"rip Paulette a new asshole."
(14:38):
Since my name was on theevent as the manager, clearly
I was at fault, right?
Yeah, that was a fun discussion.
Okay, so that situation wasoutside of my control, right?
Want to hear howthat debrief went?
Imagine it's the day afterthe election in November 2016.
Yep, that one.
That's the date they chosefor the post-mortem because
(14:59):
again, the company'scorporate culture had the
sensitivity of a chainsaw.
And I knew this one wasgonna hurt because we were
dealing with egos here.
Egos.
that could not admitthey were wrong.
So, no one was looking forresolutions because they
already knew deep downinside that their decisions
had created this fuckup.
But no one wantsunclean hands, right?
(15:20):
So, just like the spouse whoresponds to your reasonable
request to stop over tighteningjars by reminding you that you
suck at chores too, managementonly wanted to point fingers
at each other and at me!Little old me who had no
say in this event becausewe tried to warn them.
Luckily, once again, my boss'sboss knew how to shut it down.
(15:40):
He stood up for me, he stood upfor the department protocols,
and he protected me fromthe shit rolling down him.
What would have been great is ifthe adults in the room had any
self-awareness and recognizedtheir own contributions to
the clusterfuck publicly.
And we agreed to listen tothe people who had the most
experience in this specificthing before making sweeping
decisions that didn'twork for all the shows.
(16:04):
Imagine if that's whatwe had done instead.
It would have cost a littlebit more money, sure, but we
wouldn't have lost all thoseintangibles, the unquantifiable
qualities that are equally asimportant like trust, authority,
brand loyalty, and attendeeconfidence in our organization.
This post-mortem heldon what was already a
(16:25):
difficult day was an utterwaste of everyone's time.
They weren't workingto find a solution.
They just wanted someoneto blame and absolve
themselves of responsibility.
So no one came out of thatmeeting feeling better,
because there was noscapegoat to project their
feelings on, only mirrors.
No relief for the guilty.
(16:45):
And that's not a worthwhileuse of anyone's time.
It was a missed opportunityto solve problems, to band the
team together on what does anddoesn't work, and attack the
issues instead of each other.
These finger pointingtendencies from our baser
instincts hinder collaboration.
(17:05):
They break down trustand can irreparably
damage relationships,not just in the office.
But also at home, therelationship with our
partners, with ourfamilies, with our friends.
We're not designing andcertainly not living our
best lives when we're stuckinside the blame game.
(17:27):
I don't know that thiswould have ended the way
it did if I didn't havea champion in the room.
I could have beenfired for all I know.
So I'm immeasurably gratefulfor him and I hope he's
living his best life.
The rest of them though?
I'd rather set myselfon fire than ever be in
a room with them again.
So, now what?
(17:47):
What's the moralof these stories?
What do we do when wedon't have a champion?
What do we do when it's all onus to fix a mess we didn't make?
I imagine that this is alot like having children.
When a toddler breakssomething, it's on the
parents to pay the price.
For our country, who is actingas the parent right now?
(18:10):
Who can stop this illegaland treasonous power grab
that's costing people theirjobs and their livelihoods?
Well, at least there's somegood news on that front out of
right here in California thisweek, where a federal judge
has put a temporary restrainingorder on any more firings.
Yay.
There are adults in the room.
(18:31):
So.
What's next?
I don't have all the answers,but I do know that at this
moment, we have to stoppointing fingers and work
against the actual problems,whether we like it or not,
we are in this together.
I'm not advocating that wegive the people responsible
(18:52):
for this mess a free pass.
There are some people whoare never going to learn
to be better, or be best.
But we also can't simplypunish them and then do
nothing else because theproblem still exists.
How do we fix the problemwithout continuing to
attack one another?
How do we do that?
(19:13):
I firmly believe thatit starts at home.
It starts here.
It starts with you.
Can you have a healthyrelationship with yourself
or are you allowing fearand negative thoughts
to rule your head?
Yes, that is natural,but you also have to give
yourself a break, mi amor.
The last episodeis all about this.
(19:35):
And what about your partner?
If you have one, can youhave productive conversations
or do arguments devolveinto finger pointing and
trying to assign blame?
Can you work againstproblems together or do you
allow the problem to pityou against one another?
And once you have thatfigured out, do you have
healthy relationships outsideof the home with extended
(19:57):
family, with friends, withcoworkers, with neighbors?
I know that this is ahard time right now.
It's too easy to be suspiciousof one another, and if
that's how you're feeling,that's not surprising.
We've been manipulated toend up here, so I need you to
remember that you can changeyour thoughts and reactions.
(20:18):
All of this has been planned.
If you're feeling angry atthe people around you, who you
think failed you or activelychose this, that's on purpose.
It's all part of the playbook.
I'm not saying you don'thave reason to be suspicious,
but it's being rampedup right now on purpose.
We need to open our eyes tothe bigger picture instead
(20:39):
of getting trapped in thesepetty fights and the chaos,
because creating chaos is a keypart of the fascism strategy.
While you're distractedbeing mad, the fascists
are making their plays.
Their goal is to stress youpast the point of exhaustion,
because if you're too tired tofight, you'll stop resisting.
(21:02):
So, how do you avoid that?
How do you keep yourself sane?
How do you stopthe doom scrolling.
How do you interrupt the angrythoughts in the death spiral?
I'm going to give yousome advice on that in a
second, but I'd love tohear some of your thoughts.
Did you know thatyou can text me?
There's a link at thetop of the show notes.
If you click it from yourphone, it opens your texting
(21:25):
app and you can send me a texttelling me what you think.
The one caveat though is Iwon't know it's from you.
So please include your nameand even where you're from.
So if you're Jackie fromSouth Carolina, say so.
I'd love to hear from you.
The question I want you toanswer is, "How do you stop your
thoughts from spiraling whenyou're in a negative headspace?
(21:49):
What do you do to interruptthat train of thought?"
And if I get some responses,I'd love to read them
on future episodes.
That way we can share ideas,which is how you solve problems.
So here's my adviceto you for now.
Don't forget to rest.
Take your breaks, mi amor.
(22:10):
You are not a machine.
You are a human beingand you need rest.
And when I say rest, Idon't mean go have a nap.
Although those are nice,please do that too if you can.
I mean a break from the news,from what you're consuming
online, an emotional break.
Personally, I am no longerinterested in blaming people
(22:32):
for where we are right now.
It doesn't evenfeel good anymore.
The schadenfreude has passed.
After all, people are peopleand we can always be duped
into moving against ourown best interests if we
aren't aware and discerning.
In service of that, I'm goingto link you to a piece my
friend Heidy De La Cruz wroteabout media discernment.
(22:55):
I think you'll enjoy it, andwe all desperately need it.
So, if people didn't believeall these side effects
of their votes were goingto happen, well, too bad.
We're here now.
Let's grieve it and thenwe can move forward.
Because that'swhat I want to do.
I want to move forward.
(23:15):
Past blame.
Blame is basicallyirrelevant now.
So how are we, the people whoare affected going to move
forward in spite of all of that?
How are we going to keepfrom continuing to be
manipulated, from beingsucked in by misinformation?
Those of us who havethe privilege of feeling
safe right now may notbe safe in the future.
(23:37):
So we can't takethat for granted.
How are you preparing?
I know some people aresaving up to leave the
country, while others aredigging in their heels and
gearing up for a fight.
Some of us are using ourvoices to gather community
in protection, in mutual aid.
There are so many ways toapproach this, so many lanes
for each of us to lean intoour own talents to, as they
(24:02):
say, fight the good fight.
So which one will you choose?
We're here to design ourbest lives in spite of
the cultural brainwashingwe've all grown up with.
So you know what I want for you?
I want you to be the kindof leader that employees and
community members go to bat for,not the kind who would rather
(24:22):
set themselves on fire than everbe in a room with you again.
Yes, it would be great if onlythe people responsible for where
we are now were the ones tosuffer the consequences and the
rest of us were left untouched.
Unfortunately, that'snot how things work.
Whether we like it or not,we are all in this together.
We are all the parents of thetoddler who broke something.
(24:47):
So to recap, assigning blameis a thing we all like to
do, but it's actually notproductive to solving problems.
Schadenfreude is shortlived, and it's icky anyway.
Fearmongering is the playbook,but it's also unsustainable
for your emotional well being.
So please take rest.
And let's end the tug-of-warblame game spiral by becoming
(25:10):
the fire extinguisher.
I want for you to be thekind of leader, the kind of
human who owns up to theirresponsibilities instead
of denying and deflecting.
Who is curious and operatesfrom empathy and works on
their emotional intelligence.
Who improves beyond theirmost basic primal skill set.
And who knows was at stakeso you make time for rest.
(25:35):
How about we stop addingfuels to the fires?
We stop laughing as peopleget burned and we get
out of the blame game.
Yeah, I believe in you.
Don't forget to text me.
And that's a burrito.
Hey, mira, if thisepisode made you feel
some kind of way, dígame.
(25:55):
DM me on Instagram.
Or, send me a text!You can do that right
from your phone.
If you want to be a gueston the show and put your
story out there too, checkout the guest form on my
website at paletterato.
com slash guest.
Yep, just my name.
And don't forget thatthere are more perks when
you join the newsletter.
(26:17):
All these links arein the show notes.
Muchísimas gracias foryour support y hasta la
próxima vez, cuídate bien.
Buen dia, mi gente, and welcometo La Vida Más Chévere de
Childfree Latinas, the onlySpanglish podcast for childfree
Latinas y Latines, helping usliberate ourselves from the
toxic cultural brainwashing weall grew up with so that we can
design our best lives instead.
I'm your host andresident childfree
(00:22):
Latina, Paulette Erato.
Ever been stuck in asituation where everyone is
pointing fingers, but nobodyis offering any solutions?
It can feel like a tug-of-wargame from when we were kids.
You know, nobodywants to cede ground.
No one wants to admit faultor take responsibility.
Instead, everyone'sgot their hackles up.
(00:43):
They're wanting to layblame, but no one is
actually being heard.
Maybe you've been in afight with your spouse
where you call them onsomething you don't like.
Let's say it's something sillyand low stakes, like they screw
the lids on jars too tight.
You ask them to stopdoing that nicely.
And instead of saying, sure,okay, their response is to
(01:05):
get defensive and to put outsomething you do wrong, like
forgetting to take out the trashor to replace the toilet paper.
You know, and they know thatthis isn't productive and
it certainly isn't helpful.
So why does it happen?
Remember last episode, Iwalked through the thought
model and that how we reactto our circumstances is an
(01:26):
automatic behavior, but onethat we can learn to change?
Unfortunately, some peoplelearned really early on
that taking responsibilitycould bring them harm.
An article in Psychology Todaycalls it a parental witch
hunt when a child grows up inan environment where they're
subjected to punishment foreven the smallest infraction.
(01:46):
And then you end up withadults who are trying to
protect themselves to thedetriment of others, even
when they're in the wrong.
So, as a grown adult, theytend to deny responsibility and
deflect to avoid punishment,which is not a healthy behavior.
But again, you can unlearn it.
In my experience, the fastestway to defuse a situation like
(02:08):
this is to simply acknowledgeyour own role in the incident.
There may be no faster wayto end an argument than these
two little magical words.
You're right.
Because no one expects it.
What we do expect, what weusually get, is a fight.
So being the one to acceptresponsibility is kind of
(02:29):
like throwing water on a fire.
A small fire, like a campfire.
Because if there's anythingI've learned from growing
up in California with ourwildfires, is that sometimes
adding water to the situationactually makes it worse.
The heat generated fromthese fires is so intense,
it can literally split theoxygen and the hydrogen atoms
apart, which only createsmore fuel for the fire.
(02:53):
It's frightening how that works!Turns out, we should pay
attention to science!So maybe what you are is more
like a fire extinguisher.
The act of saying you'reright and accepting some
responsibility shortcircuits that death spiral
of anger and terminatesthat train of thought.
Which again, we learnedlast episode is a really
(03:15):
great skill to have.
More often than not, it alsoalleviates other people's
fears of being wrong andprompts the other people in
the room, or the other personin the argument, to come
forward and take responsibilityfor their parts too.
And then we can all moveforward towards resolution.
(03:38):
Let's talk about why itfeels good to blame someone.
You'd think with how easyit is to point fingers that
we're biologically wired asa species to do just that.
And you'd be right!An article in Fortune magazine
from 2015 points to a researchstudy that shows, quote,
"The human brain is wiredto react more emotionally
to the bad things people do.
(04:01):
That's why we tend toassign blame much faster
than we give compliments.
People are more likely toassume that good acts of
others are simply happenstance,but bad things are done on
purpose." Again, those primalinstincts of ours are at play.
All the armchair fire expertsand the Faux News pundits
(04:21):
have certainly had a heydaytalking about our wildfires.
Who's responsible?
Clearly it's the wokeidiots in California!
Okay, great.
So, what's the solution forfixing this and avoiding
it again in the future?
Oh yeah, they don't have any.
No solutions, justfinger pointing.
(04:45):
So why does it feelgood to blame someone?
Because it gives us a person orsomething outside of ourselves
to direct our feelings at.
Whether that be angeror disappointment or
betrayal or what have you.
Especially in this new andincreasingly horrifying normal
that we've developed sincewe inaugurated a convicted
(05:05):
felon, it's easy to pointfingers at everyone from the
Democrats who stayed home onelection night to the news
media who's given this orangeclown all of their attention
for the entire last decade.
Hey, don't look atme, I voted for her!
You've undoubtedlyheard this comment.
Maybe you've evensaid it yourself.
(05:26):
Denying our own culpabilityhelps to diminish any guilt
we might have from not doingmore or disappointment for
how it's all turned out.
Having a scapegoat andavoiding the burden of
responsibility means we canclaim our hands are clean.
Because if we can find thepeople who are directly
(05:47):
responsible, then we canforce them to face the
consequences and everythingwill go back to normal, right?
Right?
No! You know, that's not true,but the delight at being
right only offers a falsesense of control and closure.
The satisfactionis only short term.
The German word for this,and my apologies to German
(06:08):
speakers for butcheringthis pronunciation, but the
German word is schadenfreude.
What does that mean?
The Merriam Webster definitionis enjoyment obtained from
the troubles of others.
I don't know about you, but thatmakes me feel kind of gross.
We shouldn't be gettingour kicks at the
expense of other people.
That's toxic.
(06:29):
And we don't do that here.
Just like doomscrolling,which we also know is bad
for us, the good feelsdon't last long enough.
So blaming others feelsvalidating in the moment,
but it doesn't lead tomeaningful progress.
Which is what we're herefor, mis amigues, improving
ourselves beyond the basichuman who hasn't evolved past
(06:51):
their most primal instincts.
Remember that quote fromGovernor Pritzker last episode?
We're not basic.
We're evolved.
Some might even say extra.
And as we watch all oursacred hallmarks of democracy
being trashed in real timeby an immigrant who came here
illegally from South Africawith daddy's emerald mine
(07:12):
blood money to shield him fromconsequences and what Yahoo!
News is calling his goon squad,a group of college age hackers,
wannabe hackers, whose brainsaren't even fully developed
yet, so they don't realizethey're actively committing
treason, who is there to blame?
Who allowed this to happen?
(07:35):
How about a story?
I'm going to tell youabout two different times
when I was blamed for worksituations that were outside
of my direct control.
My previous career wasin event management.
I'm pretty sure I'vetalked about this before.
And after events, wehave what are called
post-mortems to addresswhat worked and what didn't.
You probably have these inyour jobs too, you call them
(07:55):
debriefs or reviews or audits.
Anyway, in both ofthese situations,
something went sideways.
Let's travel back intime to around 2008.
I was in my first role asa manager, overseeing a
team of people in an area Iwas not too familiar with.
Audio visual tech.
Anybody who's worked incorporate knows how common
(08:17):
and yet how stupid thiskind of org chart is.
Anyway my team of three menand I were responsible for
setting up educational webinars.
This was way before Zoom hadits foothold in everything
and we all knew how to use it.
And on our first attemptat making these webinars,
the tech failed.
Of course it did,because Murphy's Law.
(08:37):
I don't remember the specifics,this is like over 15 years ago,
but I do remember my boss andher boss were angry and they
wanted a sacrificial lamb.
Someone had to pay theprice for this screw up.
That was not a particularlygood work culture, clearly.
They were not leadingwith empathy or emotional
intelligence or even curiosity.
(09:00):
So knowing that my team were,if not at fault, at least
responsible, I walked into thatmeeting prepared to accept the
blame and then just move on.
Cause you know,tech shit happens.
We've all been there.
So I was in this meeting gettingyelled at for embarrassing
the company, and all I couldsay was, "yup that was our
(09:20):
fault." And suddenly somethinginteresting happened.
The air in the roomseemed to shift.
Apparently this was anunexpected move for them.
I think I might have shortcircuited their brains because
they were likely expecting meto blame something, anything,
to get out of being in trouble.
That's how they were used topeople operating, since that's
(09:41):
the basic human response.
Your girl's not basic though.
So I told management, we'dlook into the problem.
We'd develop some solutionsand fail safes to avoid
it happening again.
And then I asked, is thereanything else you need from me?
Y'all, I was barelyin my twenties.
I don't know where thiswisdom came from, but in that
(10:02):
moment, I felt like a genius.
Suddenly everyone calmeddown and I went from being
the scapegoat back to beinga trusted team member again.
And that felt good.
Now, do you think I turnedaround and then yelled
at my own direct reports?
Okay, maybe a teeny part of mewanted to, but of course not!
(10:24):
What would I have accomplishedfrom passing the buck and taking
my frustrations out on them?
I had a team of dedicatedprofessionals who knew their
jobs a hell of a lot betterthan I did, and my role was
to support them, and alsoshield them from the shit
that usually rolls downhill.
So our little team debriefwas more of a, "Hey, you
(10:45):
guys know management is mad.
So tell me what you thinkwent wrong and how are we
going to avoid this in thefuture?" And from there, two
beautiful things happened.
One is that my teamlearned I had their backs
and they could trust me.
And they'd go to batfor a manager like that.
That's a motivated employee.
(11:05):
The second thing that happenedis, since we'd already failed,
things could only get better.
So, we looked for solutions,we tested them again and
again, and then we neverhad that problem again.
I'm not saying we didn't haveother problems, but that one?
Mm mm. That's how youmanage situations like that.
Do I wish my managershad treated me the
(11:26):
way I treated my team?
Yes.
But I wasn't thatlucky back then.
What about when you aren'tat fault and no one else is
willing to take responsibility?
That's what thesecond story is about.
Let's fast forward to 2016.
You remember that year, right?
I had just gotten marriedand I was in a very
(11:47):
different job by that point.
This job, I managed avery large tradeshow and
conference for thousands ofpeople down in San Diego.
It was a big annual eventthat took months and a
team of people to organize.
And we'd gotten new managementat the company, and those
cost cutting MBAs did whatall MBAs are trained to do.
(12:07):
Cut waste.
Be more efficient.
Sound familiar?
Except these people hadreal credentials, and
fully formed brains.
So new management had abrilliant cost savings
idea that seemed to workat other, smaller events.
After probably a decade ofwasting money on postage
by mailing out name badges,they decided we're going to
(12:29):
print those on site instead.
My boss and I knew this was aterrible idea and not to bore
you with details about arrivalpatterns and all that, just
trust this wasn't going to work.
And we tried to tell them.
But management refusedto consider any outside
perspectives becausethey're MBAs, their fully
(12:50):
formed brains knew best.
But hey, they decided thatsending the vice president
of IT along would be agood use of their money
instead because he couldoversee the whole operation.
No worries.
I don't want to be suedfor slander, so I'm not
going to say nothing aboutthis man's reputation for
partying, but let's just sayit wasn't a great reputation.
(13:11):
By the way, this is thesame company where people
would leave for lunch andnever come back to work.
That's how they quit.
I heard one coworker wascaught embezzling funds,
so that should give youa peek into the culture.
And you can probablysee where this is going.
Cue to 7am on the firstday of the show, thousands
(13:31):
of people are in a massiveline, trying to get through
registration to get their damnbadges printed so they could
get inside to their meetings.
And they were all very angrythat they were being held up.
It was a giant clusterfuck.
That was only resolved whenmy boss's boss made the
call to bypass securityand just let everyone in.
(13:53):
We'd sort it out later.
But for about 30 to 45minutes that morning, we had
thousands of angry people whowere grossly inconvenienced
because there was a lot ofmoney on the line for them.
And they'd expected, they'dbecome accustomed to a
certain level of ease,of stuff just working.
When the company failed todeliver on that, they were
(14:15):
understandably furious.
And my company losta lot of goodwill.
Customer satisfaction plungeddeep into the crapper.
The situation was so bad thathours later, an attendee went to
the registration staff and stillraging in his anger, demanded
to see me so they could quote,"rip Paulette a new asshole."
(14:38):
Since my name was on theevent as the manager, clearly
I was at fault, right?
Yeah, that was a fun discussion.
Okay, so that situation wasoutside of my control, right?
Want to hear howthat debrief went?
Imagine it's the day afterthe election in November 2016.
Yep, that one.
That's the date they chosefor the post-mortem because
(14:59):
again, the company'scorporate culture had the
sensitivity of a chainsaw.
And I knew this one wasgonna hurt because we were
dealing with egos here.
Egos.
that could not admitthey were wrong.
So, no one was looking forresolutions because they
already knew deep downinside that their decisions
had created this fuckup.
But no one wantsunclean hands, right?
(15:20):
So, just like the spouse whoresponds to your reasonable
request to stop over tighteningjars by reminding you that you
suck at chores too, managementonly wanted to point fingers
at each other and at me!Little old me who had no
say in this event becausewe tried to warn them.
Luckily, once again, my boss'sboss knew how to shut it down.
(15:40):
He stood up for me, he stood upfor the department protocols,
and he protected me fromthe shit rolling down him.
What would have been great is ifthe adults in the room had any
self-awareness and recognizedtheir own contributions to
the clusterfuck publicly.
And we agreed to listen tothe people who had the most
experience in this specificthing before making sweeping
decisions that didn'twork for all the shows.
(16:04):
Imagine if that's whatwe had done instead.
It would have cost a littlebit more money, sure, but we
wouldn't have lost all thoseintangibles, the unquantifiable
qualities that are equally asimportant like trust, authority,
brand loyalty, and attendeeconfidence in our organization.
This post-mortem heldon what was already a
(16:25):
difficult day was an utterwaste of everyone's time.
They weren't workingto find a solution.
They just wanted someoneto blame and absolve
themselves of responsibility.
So no one came out of thatmeeting feeling better,
because there was noscapegoat to project their
feelings on, only mirrors.
No relief for the guilty.
(16:45):
And that's not a worthwhileuse of anyone's time.
It was a missed opportunityto solve problems, to band the
team together on what does anddoesn't work, and attack the
issues instead of each other.
These finger pointingtendencies from our baser
instincts hinder collaboration.
(17:05):
They break down trustand can irreparably
damage relationships,not just in the office.
But also at home, therelationship with our
partners, with ourfamilies, with our friends.
We're not designing andcertainly not living our
best lives when we're stuckinside the blame game.
(17:27):
I don't know that thiswould have ended the way
it did if I didn't havea champion in the room.
I could have beenfired for all I know.
So I'm immeasurably gratefulfor him and I hope he's
living his best life.
The rest of them though?
I'd rather set myselfon fire than ever be in
a room with them again.
So, now what?
(17:47):
What's the moralof these stories?
What do we do when wedon't have a champion?
What do we do when it's all onus to fix a mess we didn't make?
I imagine that this is alot like having children.
When a toddler breakssomething, it's on the
parents to pay the price.
For our country, who is actingas the parent right now?
(18:10):
Who can stop this illegaland treasonous power grab
that's costing people theirjobs and their livelihoods?
Well, at least there's somegood news on that front out of
right here in California thisweek, where a federal judge
has put a temporary restrainingorder on any more firings.
Yay.
There are adults in the room.
(18:31):
So.
What's next?
I don't have all the answers,but I do know that at this
moment, we have to stoppointing fingers and work
against the actual problems,whether we like it or not,
we are in this together.
I'm not advocating that wegive the people responsible
(18:52):
for this mess a free pass.
There are some people whoare never going to learn
to be better, or be best.
But we also can't simplypunish them and then do
nothing else because theproblem still exists.
How do we fix the problemwithout continuing to
attack one another?
How do we do that?
(19:13):
I firmly believe thatit starts at home.
It starts here.
It starts with you.
Can you have a healthyrelationship with yourself
or are you allowing fearand negative thoughts
to rule your head?
Yes, that is natural,but you also have to give
yourself a break, mi amor.
The last episodeis all about this.
(19:35):
And what about your partner?
If you have one, can youhave productive conversations
or do arguments devolveinto finger pointing and
trying to assign blame?
Can you work againstproblems together or do you
allow the problem to pityou against one another?
And once you have thatfigured out, do you have
healthy relationships outsideof the home with extended
(19:57):
family, with friends, withcoworkers, with neighbors?
I know that this is ahard time right now.
It's too easy to be suspiciousof one another, and if
that's how you're feeling,that's not surprising.
We've been manipulated toend up here, so I need you to
remember that you can changeyour thoughts and reactions.
(20:18):
All of this has been planned.
If you're feeling angry atthe people around you, who you
think failed you or activelychose this, that's on purpose.
It's all part of the playbook.
I'm not saying you don'thave reason to be suspicious,
but it's being rampedup right now on purpose.
We need to open our eyes tothe bigger picture instead
(20:39):
of getting trapped in thesepetty fights and the chaos,
because creating chaos is a keypart of the fascism strategy.
While you're distractedbeing mad, the fascists
are making their plays.
Their goal is to stress youpast the point of exhaustion,
because if you're too tired tofight, you'll stop resisting.
(21:02):
So, how do you avoid that?
How do you keep yourself sane?
How do you stopthe doom scrolling.
How do you interrupt the angrythoughts in the death spiral?
I'm going to give yousome advice on that in a
second, but I'd love tohear some of your thoughts.
Did you know thatyou can text me?
There's a link at thetop of the show notes.
If you click it from yourphone, it opens your texting
(21:25):
app and you can send me a texttelling me what you think.
The one caveat though is Iwon't know it's from you.
So please include your nameand even where you're from.
So if you're Jackie fromSouth Carolina, say so.
I'd love to hear from you.
The question I want you toanswer is, "How do you stop your
thoughts from spiraling whenyou're in a negative headspace?
(21:49):
What do you do to interruptthat train of thought?"
And if I get some responses,I'd love to read them
on future episodes.
That way we can share ideas,which is how you solve problems.
So here's my adviceto you for now.
Don't forget to rest.
Take your breaks, mi amor.
(22:10):
You are not a machine.
You are a human beingand you need rest.
And when I say rest, Idon't mean go have a nap.
Although those are nice,please do that too if you can.
I mean a break from the news,from what you're consuming
online, an emotional break.
Personally, I am no longerinterested in blaming people
(22:32):
for where we are right now.
It doesn't evenfeel good anymore.
The schadenfreude has passed.
After all, people are peopleand we can always be duped
into moving against ourown best interests if we
aren't aware and discerning.
In service of that, I'm goingto link you to a piece my
friend Heidy De La Cruz wroteabout media discernment.
(22:55):
I think you'll enjoy it, andwe all desperately need it.
So, if people didn't believeall these side effects
of their votes were goingto happen, well, too bad.
We're here now.
Let's grieve it and thenwe can move forward.
Because that'swhat I want to do.
I want to move forward.
(23:15):
Past blame.
Blame is basicallyirrelevant now.
So how are we, the people whoare affected going to move
forward in spite of all of that?
How are we going to keepfrom continuing to be
manipulated, from beingsucked in by misinformation?
Those of us who havethe privilege of feeling
safe right now may notbe safe in the future.
(23:37):
So we can't takethat for granted.
How are you preparing?
I know some people aresaving up to leave the
country, while others aredigging in their heels and
gearing up for a fight.
Some of us are using ourvoices to gather community
in protection, in mutual aid.
There are so many ways toapproach this, so many lanes
for each of us to lean intoour own talents to, as they
(24:02):
say, fight the good fight.
So which one will you choose?
We're here to design ourbest lives in spite of
the cultural brainwashingwe've all grown up with.
So you know what I want for you?
I want you to be the kindof leader that employees and
community members go to bat for,not the kind who would rather
(24:22):
set themselves on fire than everbe in a room with you again.
Yes, it would be great if onlythe people responsible for where
we are now were the ones tosuffer the consequences and the
rest of us were left untouched.
Unfortunately, that'snot how things work.
Whether we like it or not,we are all in this together.
We are all the parents of thetoddler who broke something.
(24:47):
So to recap, assigning blameis a thing we all like to
do, but it's actually notproductive to solving problems.
Schadenfreude is shortlived, and it's icky anyway.
Fearmongering is the playbook,but it's also unsustainable
for your emotional well being.
So please take rest.
And let's end the tug-of-warblame game spiral by becoming
(25:10):
the fire extinguisher.
I want for you to be thekind of leader, the kind of
human who owns up to theirresponsibilities instead
of denying and deflecting.
Who is curious and operatesfrom empathy and works on
their emotional intelligence.
Who improves beyond theirmost basic primal skill set.
And who knows was at stakeso you make time for rest.
(25:35):
How about we stop addingfuels to the fires?
We stop laughing as peopleget burned and we get
out of the blame game.
Yeah, I believe in you.
Don't forget to text me.
And that's a burrito.
Hey, mira, if thisepisode made you feel
some kind of way, dígame.
(25:55):
DM me on Instagram.
Or, send me a text!You can do that right
from your phone.
If you want to be a gueston the show and put your
story out there too, checkout the guest form on my
website at paletterato.
com slash guest.
Yep, just my name.
And don't forget thatthere are more perks when
you join the newsletter.
(26:17):
All these links arein the show notes.
Muchísimas gracias foryour support y hasta la
próxima vez, cuídate bien.
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