September 6, 2024 • 55 mins
Ever felt like life was throwing you curveballs at every turn? Join us on this transformative episode of the Ladies Kickin' Ass Podcast as we sit down with Naeemah Elias, a trailblazing coach whose journey from the gritty streets of Chicago to the hallowed halls of Harvard will leave you inspired. Naeemah opens up about the trials and triumphs of navigating a world that often felt foreign, her struggle with perfectionism, and her relentless pursuit of success amidst personal and professional setbacks. From her early days influenced by her entrepreneurial parents to her rebirth as a powerhouse coach and single mother in Boston, Naeemah's story is a testament to resilience and the power of reinvention.
Ever wondered how to balance the demands of family life with personal growth? We dive into practical strategies for harmonizing family routines and communication, emphasizing the importance of individualized approaches for each child's needs. Discover how perfectionism can rob us of precious family moments and personal joy and learn the magic of allowing children to grow at their own pace. Naeemah shares her insights on the value of intentional breaks and staycations, shedding light on how these moments of relaxation can rejuvenate not just us but our entire household.
Tired of the hustle and bustle leaving you drained? This episode explores the importance of reclaiming time for self-care and finding calm amid chaos. Naeemah delves into her personal experiences with burnout, sharing how meditation, therapy, and mindful breaks transformed her life.
Learn about powerful tools like the Mindvalley app and Gay Hendricks' "The Big Leap," and how they can help you overcome imposter syndrome and expand your capacity for joy. We also discuss the importance of community and collaboration in personal growth, highlighting the transformative journey from corporate life to entrepreneurship and the joy of thriving in a self-directed career. Don't miss out on these invaluable insights and uplifting stories of growth and empowerment!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to the Ladies Kickin' Ass Podcast, where we
help you ignite your innerbadass and create the service
business of your dreams.
I'm your host, Tanya Wilson,and together we'll dive into
inspiring stories and expertcoaching to set your journey on
fire hey, ladies, welcome backto the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Today we have an incredible guest with us.
Naima is joining us.
She's a powerhouse woman who hastransformed her life
experiences into a mission tohelp others break barriers and
unlock their full potential.
Naima has navigated a journeyfilled with challenges,
resilience and amazingachievements, and I'm so excited
for this dynamic coach to beable to dig in with us today and
we're just going to kind of gothere and talk a little bit
(00:54):
about motherhood, starting abusiness, being a single mom to
you know, trying to figure outhow to navigate all the things
and not beat the shit out ofyourself about how you're not
showing up perfectly all of thetime and you know all of those
things.
It's a really good, feel goodconversation to have two women
that have really have been atthe depths of like oh shit, to
(01:17):
now being able to see likethey've built two really awesome
businesses.
I think a lot more women needto be able to see women that
have done this and talk aboutthe struggles, of how they got
there and this 10, you knowovernight success.
That was really 10 years ofreally really hard work.
So, naima, thank you for takingthe time to be with us today,
and why don't you give us alittle bit about your background
(01:39):
and what some of those littlestruggles were and what you
enjoy doing for work today?
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Absolutely.
Thank you so much, Tanya.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I'm excited to be here and to talk about kicking
ass with you today.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
So I grew up in poverty on the south side of
Chicago and my parents are bothentrepreneurs by spirit but with
no resources right.
So not having the ability tostart a business, not having the
ability to really sort of scaleanything, they did little
things.
They made things and soldthings.
So I grew up in a space whereentrepreneurship was valued, but
(02:16):
I also grew up in poverty, as Isaid, and so the ability to get
out of our circumstances reallyfocused on education, of our
circumstances really focused oneducation.
So working really hard.
And I learned young that I hadto be perfect, everything had to
be perfect, I had to geteverything right, I had to get
straight A's, I had to show up,I had to do all of the right
things, I had to present myselfthe right way, everything had to
(02:37):
be perfect.
And I carried that with me wellinto my 30s, that with me well
into my 30s.
And it was really hard toalways be perfect.
It was really hard to always.
I was so hard on myself, right,I was always hard on myself.
So I got the straight A's, Idid really well in high school
and then I went to Harvard andso this was kind of a big deal
(02:59):
right, like it wasn't commonobviously you know from my town,
from my school for somebody togo someplace like Harvard.
And I talk about thriving as anoutsider in my business, talk
about being an outsider.
I came from a space where Ididn't always have food on the
table and now I'm in thisbastion of wealth and privilege
(03:21):
and success and it was sostrange for me, it was so odd.
I didn't fit in, I didn't feellike it made sense, but I was
still trying to be perfect, Iwas still trying to get
everything right and I realizedreally early on that I was not
the smartest person in the world, that I was not the smartest
person in the room.
And then I had so much that Ihad to learn.
(03:43):
And so I went through theHarvard experience, sort of
reciting myself, readjusting towhere I fit in the world and
being a little fish in a bigpond instead of being that big
fish in the little pond that Iwas before.
So after I finished college, Iwent off and was a professional
actress for a few years and hadan amazing experience doing that
(04:06):
.
I toured as a puppeteer for ayear and a half, which was
really fun, and then I decided Iwanted to be a mom, and it was
this moment.
It was it's time.
I'm ready to be a mother and Iwasn't ready to be a wife.
I didn't understand what itmeant to be a wife.
I couldn't really get my headaround what that was.
I just wanted to be a mother.
(04:26):
So got together with a childhoodfriend.
We had a couple of kids.
We were together for some yearsand I was unhappy.
I was very unhappy and I lostmy job.
I had to file for bankruptcy,and so right after my third
child was born, I found myselfunemployed, with terrible credit
(04:46):
, three children moving in withmy in-laws and going to food
pantries to get food to feed mychildren, and so everything had
just fallen apart and I was atthis point where I had to figure
out how to restart my life.
And so I ultimately, you know, Iconnected with a recruiter
(05:09):
friend of mine who found anopportunity for me to move back
to Boston, and at 35, I was backin a new city, three kids
filing for divorce, restartingmy career, not enough money to
pay my rent, right, likeeverything was just kind of
starting from scratch.
(05:30):
And I asked my mom.
I was like I need help.
Can you?
You know, can you come help me?
Can you come help me?
You know to figure this out.
And she said, absolutely, but Iwon't be your husband.
I was like, well, what doesthat mean?
And she's like I've got toomany girlfriends whose daughters
moved back in with them andtheir lives became being their
(05:50):
daughter's partner, raisingtheir daughter's children, and
they never were able to move onwith their lives.
They were never able to sort ofrecontinue their life
trajectory.
They just sort of reset as theco-parent for their grandchild.
And she said I'm not going todo that.
So you're going to build yourcareer, you're going to date and
you're going to reset yourself.
And then I'm going back on theroad, I'm going to go back to
(06:12):
traveling, hanging out, doingthe things that I want to do.
This isn't my stopping point.
And I was like, okay, twist myarm.
If I have to date, I guess I'lldate.
So I did restart my life and Idid get intentional about
building my career and so atthis point I was working at
(06:34):
State Street and at State Streetmy day job was doing process
design, transformation work.
But I found this passion aroundtraining and developing people.
I took my theater backgroundand I was training the
introverts and the researchersto speak in front of audiences.
I was coaching youngprofessionals and helping them
to navigate their careers andask for what they wanted and
really kind of get outside oftheir comfort zone.
(06:56):
And I did this coaching andtraining on the side for years
and years and years.
At some point I was hired toactually build a program to help
to move people around thecompany, to do this mobilization
work, so instead of layingpeople off, we can move them
into new roles.
And after years, after a decadeof doing this coaching work, I
(07:17):
realized that this is my life,this is who I am, this is what I
want to be my purpose.
And so in 23, I had theprivilege of being laid off.
I call it a privilege, right.
I had the opportunity to leavethe organization and to have
some time to really kind ofreset and rethink where I wanted
(07:37):
to be.
And I talked and networked andconnected with all these
different folks.
And then I accidentally found aclient.
And then I accidentally foundanother client.
I said, oh, I think I started abusiness.
You know it.
Just you know it kind ofhappened.
And so then I reached out toall of these people that I had
trained over the years and said,hey, this is the work that I
(07:59):
want to do.
Is there an opportunity for meto come and play at your company
?
And those people that I hadhelped out of the goodness of my
heart and it wasn't my job wereexcited about the fact that I'm
now doing this as a service andare bringing me into their
companies.
And so now my focus and my workis around helping people to
(08:21):
thrive in corporate spaces,helping people with
communication and confidence.
And then I want to just kind ofdouble back on the parenting
piece of it, because you talkabout, like the perfection,
right?
So, as a single mom with threekids they were two, four and six
when I became a single momthere's no perfection.
There's no perfection when youhave two parents all in trying
(08:42):
to get it right.
But I was like there's no way Ican do this on my own right.
But the help that I needed wasfrom the kids, right, and
helping them to understand fromthe very beginning this isn't my
house and you're living in it.
This is our house and we arecollectively responsible for it.
(09:03):
So I got really intentionalabout teaching them independence
, right, like I don't cleanbathrooms.
I hate cleaning bathrooms, andteaching kids how to clean
bathrooms is really, really hard.
But once you do it and youdon't have to do it anymore,
life changing right.
And so helping the kids tolearn the skills to have
(09:24):
ownership, co-ownership of ourhousehold and feeling the
responsibility for all of us tobe able to thrive in this house
was hugely important to me, andso I started a YouTube channel
last year.
I had been toying with the ideaof a book and then I was working
with a coach and we pivoted toa YouTube channel and I just
(09:46):
sort of tell stories and I'msharing.
Like you know, here's how Iapproached teaching the kids to
cook.
Here's how I approachedteaching them to clean up after
themselves, how to clean abathroom, taking public
transportation right, like thosekinds of things that they have
to learn.
But as parents, it's reallyhard for us to let go.
It's really hard for us to letthem do it poorly, let them fail
(10:09):
and make mistakes and do itreally poorly until they learn,
because it's easier to just doit yourself.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
But I don't have the capacity or the emotional
ability to do it myself.
And then, finally, I'll touchon we'll say neurodivergence,
right?
So over the course of the yearswe've discovered sort of
various levels ofneurodivergence in each one of
my kids.
And then, as I'm connectingwith them and understanding how
(10:39):
they're approaching the world, Istart to see similarities and
I'm like, oh, I should gettested too, because that is the
way you know.
And so I have been, you know,like growing up, when we grew up
, like none of that was a thing,like you just figured it out,
right, but what if I had thelanguage for it?
What if I had tools that saidyou know, this is how your brain
(11:05):
works and if you do this, it'sactually going to make things
easier for you.
So I've been sort of navigatingthrough undiagnosed
neurodivergence and utilizingcommunication really to kind of
help my kids to be successful,despite my insufficiencies,
every step of the way.
So that's my rambling story.
(11:26):
It's a little bit all thepieces, but it's been joy.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
It's so good oh my gosh, there was so much goodness
in there.
I think for a lot of achievers,which is a vast majority of the
people listening to thispodcast, many of them are
entrepreneurs in some aspect isthat need for perfection?
Yeah, and I truly believe thatthat comes from many different
(11:55):
places.
For me, I, oh, I'm horrible atthis.
I always want it like let's bethe most efficient.
My thing is like how efficientcan we be at this?
Like how can we make sense, howcan we put it in a process and
I think that's just from yearsof running a business too.
Sometimes we have to realizethat we can't run our personal
lives in our homes like we runour business, you know, like it
(12:19):
weren't, where we have employeesand we pay them to do specific
things that we ask them to do Athome.
We cannot be that perfectionmonster or that SOP person that
we are at work.
How have you, with what you'vebeen doing, have you found a
(12:40):
hack, a tip, a something where,if you are this person the boss,
if you will, or the leader in abusiness and then you come home
, like you talked about havingdifferent kinds of forms of
communication with your kids?
That's very true.
Even so, with your husband, youknow, or your spouse, when you
come home and you're like you'restill in like work mode and you
(13:01):
have to come home and flip aswitch and become mom mode and
teach them and train them 50times how to clean a bathroom,
like, where have you been ableto kind of like put that
perfection down and be able toreally like utilize it great in
work, but being able to reallybe loving and have those
(13:22):
different kinds of communicationforms with your kids?
Speaker 3 (13:31):
So, tanya, I have to tell you I'm still learning,
right.
When my kids were younger, wehad whiteboard lists in every
room of every house, right?
And so, like here's your end ofthe day, you know, get ready
for bed list.
Here's your after school list,here's your how to make a meal
list, like, every room of thehouse had whiteboard stickers on
the walls with to-do lists onthem.
And my kids communicate indifferent ways and they navigate
(13:52):
the world in different ways,and so part of it for me was
learning that I couldn'tapproach all of them the same
way.
Each one needed a differentversion of me to be able to
achieve their own success.
My middle child is profoundwith language, and so he gets
really frustrated with me when Irepeat myself he's just like I
(14:12):
got it, you said it clearly thefirst time, you didn't need to
say it a third time, and he getsfrustrated when I'm not clear.
And so, learning how to justkind of pause and be intentional
about, like, what is theoutcome that I want from the
conversation, but also saying tohim you have license to
challenge me.
You have license to say to memom, I want you know, what I
(14:36):
need from you in this moment isX Right.
So he said to me once you alwayssolve everybody's problems.
Sometimes I just want to saywhat I want to say and I don't
want you to solve my problems.
And I was like great, okay.
So when you come to me, I needyou to say to me I just want you
to listen or I need your help.
And if you say I just wantlistening, mom, then I'll be
listening, right, and with myhusband.
(15:00):
So we have been together for 12years but we just got married
this year and so he didn't livein our house and he didn't have
to deal with like full on Naimaall the time.
But with him moving into thehouse, I realized that like I I
do want everything to be just so, like I'll come behind him and
like reorganize the dishwasher,yes and right, you know, and and
(15:26):
and.
So my mom told me in my firstmarriage early on she was just
like if you want him to dothings, you have to stop
correcting him, because if hethinks that he can't do it right
, he'll stop doing it alltogether and you'll end up doing
everything, yep, like thingsyep like oh, that's uh really
(15:48):
important, remember that yes,because they come in wanting to
add value and wanting to behelpful, improve themselves and
all of that.
But if you keep correcting, thenthey'll, they'll check out
right and you know.
So I say to the kids I'm likemy goal is not perfection, um,
my goal is that you have theseskills and you know how to do
them.
When you go out on your own,when you're living in your own
(16:10):
house, you should know how toclean your bathroom.
You should know how to washyour laundry, you know, and so
I'm checking in occasionally.
But you know I have to, like,check myself, right.
I have to stop myself and andrecognize they're not going to
do things the way that I do themand my perfectionism is a
shortcoming Right.
It's not healthy, and so Idon't need to impose my
(16:35):
dysfunction on them.
If they've learned the skilland they show that they're able
to display the skill, then Ijust need to stand down and let
them do it in their way.
But it's a constant process forme, reminding myself you don't
need to say anything else, youdon't need to push any further,
(16:55):
like, let it be, yeah, yeah yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
How do you think that that means for perfection, like
having things perfect, like thedishwasher, like we can look at
all these tangible things?
But how do you think, mindsetwise, that need for perfection
has affected you personally.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
I know that I spend more time on things that don't
matter than I should and thattakes away my ability to spend
time on things that would bringme joy.
Right, and it's that simple,right.
So you know, my son said to meonce you don't always have to be
doing something, mom, youshould sit down, right.
(17:46):
Right, and I know I want tospend time with my kids.
I know I want to do things withthem and I'm intentional about
let's go out of the house, let'sgo do things in the world house
, let's go do things in theworld.
One thing I started doing whenthey were smaller we had like no
money is that we couldn'tafford a vacation.
(18:06):
We would do a staycation.
So I would like, you know, booktwo nights at the Holiday Inn
and, you know, with a swimmingpool and it's, you know, no
travel required, we would justlike go and we'd all like cram
into one room with two beds andthey can go swimming three or
four times.
There's no laundry to be done,there's no cooking, there's no
cleaning, it's just us hangingout, playing games and swimming,
and I know that I'm removingmyself from the pressure and
(18:30):
responsibility of my house andI'm able to just sit and enjoy
the space with my babies Right,and so I've, with my babies,
right and so I've.
I know that, like that's one ofmy like coping mechanisms, right
, it's just like my strategiesis, if I remove myself from the
work that needs to be done, thenI know I can relax and I can
(18:52):
spend that time doing the thingsthat I enjoy.
Yesterday I had like a meetingat a government agency, so, like
I gave myself the entiremorning.
I was like it's open from 830to noon, I'm just going to be
there from 830 to noon.
Well, I finished what I neededto do by noon and instead of
coming home and getting straightto work, I sat in a lobby and
(19:15):
grabbed a cup of tea and read abook for two hours.
Grabbed a cup of tea and read abook for two hours.
Yes, right.
So keeping removing myself fromthe space where the work is is
a way to kind of give myselfthat space to have joy and
indulge in the thing that thatcalms me and that gives me peace
(19:35):
.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Yes, we thank you so much for being so vulnerable and
talking about that, because alot of women just went oh we're
talking, um, because I findmyself it's like you were
talking about me when you'retalking about that.
So I know there's other peoplethat feel this way.
Something I have started doing,which I never do, because my
(19:58):
calendar.
I was always so proud that it'svery color coded and if it's
purple, it's family, and if it'sblue then it's work, and if
it's pink then it's podcast andladies kicking ass, and you know
it's orange If it's a sportscolor, like it's so much.
And I just sat down this lastcouple of weeks and I I had a
(20:20):
small meltdown and I was like Iam so busy all the time, like I
don't follow up with my friends,I don't follow up with
wonderful women I meet throughthis community, like I, how can
I be more present?
And I'm like how the hell couldyou be present when you're
doing something all the time?
Like I would, I, like Iliterally would go from one
meeting to the next one and I'mlike I'm going to be late on the
(20:41):
Zoom because I got to run tothe restroom and I haven't even
scheduled enough time for myselfto do that, let alone eat lunch
or take a little walk orexercise or journal or do
anything.
It was like I would punishmyself if I don't wake up at 430
in the morning to have me time,which was on my schedule.
And for the record, 430 in themorning to have me time, which
was on my schedule and for therecord, 4, 30 in the morning is
(21:02):
punishment well, and I I waslike and then if I couldn't wake
up because I didn't go to bedtill late, because I was up
doing crap, then I would be like, oh you're, you're letting
yourself down.
You know you're doing all thisstuff.
I just had to get into this.
Like I cleared my entire weekand I need to sit and focus,
(21:24):
because we say like we want tospend time with our children our
families are so important to usand we say this all the time
but what my kids were seeing wasthat work was more important,
that this meeting with someoneelse was more important, that I
had to hurry and eat dinner andclean up real fast so I could go
sit down and work some more.
Yeah, that's what they'resaying is important.
(21:44):
So we say that things areimportant, but they're not.
So I would super challengepeople that, if you find
yourself identifying in whatwe're talking about here, look
at your calendar.
We've always been taught, on aproductivity phase oh, make it
all pretty and make sure youtime block, and you do all this.
Where the hell is the timeblock for you, though?
(22:05):
Like I just started stopping atStarbucks, I get my favorite
little drink, I sit at a cornertable and even if I am reading
work emails or if I'm doingthings that I feel like I never
caught up on, or looking at mykids school in their grades and
do they have like missingassignments, like all the things
(22:25):
that we just don't make timefor, but that's like my one hour
a day that I get to sit andwork on whenever I want to, if
it's work, if it's somethingelse, but I'm not at home doing
laundry, which never ends withfive children, I'm not cooking
dinner, I'm not answeringeveryone's questions at work.
I'm really taking time formyself.
(22:46):
So, even if that is work stuff,but you're you're doing what
you want to do and you're notalways on someone else's agenda.
I think that's the perfectiontoo, because if you are a
perfectionist, you are a peoplepleaser, which often means you
end up putting yourself at thebottom of the list of everything
, and we just really, reallycannot do that anymore triggered
(23:23):
right when I was working incorporate, my last couple of
roles.
Speaker 3 (23:25):
I had stakeholders in Europe and I had stakeholders
in Asia, so my call started at 7, 7.30 in the morning and I
would have calls at 9.30 and 10o'clock at night most days of
the week, and there were timeswhen I was running a global team
where I might have threemeetings at the same time and I
had to figure out which one arewe going to reschedule, which
one I'm going to delegate andwhich one am I going to.
(23:47):
And I would go through myworkday and I'd get to about 5,
530 and there'd be a break.
And that was a break for me topause and think about what's
everything that I told somebodyI was going to do today.
Am I shooting that to somebodyelse to do, or am I somehow
going to figure out how to do itmyself?
But there was no time to do theactual work because I spent my
entire life in overlappingmeetings, and so when I started
(24:12):
my business, one of the firstthings that I did when I set up
my Calendly for scheduling,every meeting has a required
buffer of half hour above andhalf hour below.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
And so I no longer have that.
Oh, my goodness, I'm not goingto be able to go to the bathroom
.
Oh, my goodness, haven't eatentoday.
Right, there's going to be ahalf an hour in between every
meeting for me to kind of reset,but if I need to send a quick
email out afterwards, you know,with action items, whatever it
is, that was a gift that I gavemyself when I started my process
(24:45):
, because I knew that I neededto have space to breathe.
I knew that if I went intocreating my own world in the
mirror image of the corporateworld that I lived, that I would
go back to being burnt out justlike I was when I was working
in corporate.
So that half hour, you know itmeans that the meeting can run
(25:07):
long by 10 minutes, and that'sokay, right, and I still have
time to go put a load in thewash.
I still have time to pause andtalk to my kid before they run
out for their activities andwhatever it is that needs to be
done.
And if anybody wants myattention in the house three
kids, husband, mom if anybodyneeds my attention in the house,
at most I'll be availablewithin an hour, right, and
(25:32):
actually have time to engage.
But I have all the colors andit's not family and work, it's
like each kid has their owncolor and I have my own color
and my husband has his own color, and there's a color for when
I'm presenting and there's acolor for business development
and there's a color for coachingclients and all of those things
.
So like I can look at it andI'm like, oh, I'm doing great,
(25:54):
I'm really balancing and all ofthat.
But there's also those spaces,and those spaces are incredible
because I feel like, you know,if I have a coaching session and
someone is emotional andthey're having a really tough
time, I can't go directly fromthat into running a workshop for
(26:14):
a corporation, right, right, Ihave to have that space to reset
myself Because you know as muchas as a coach, it's not my
problem, it's your problem andI'm supposed to be helping you
through it.
I'm still absorbing theemotional qualities of this
experience.
I'm human and and I need to beable to have my human reset and
(26:37):
sometimes that's just go in myroom, close my door, put on a
meditation sound and just havesomething in the background to
just kind of calm my mind and myyou know, my brainwaves before
I step into the next thing, sothat the starting meditation
about a year and a half ago wasone of the most powerful things
(26:57):
I could have done for myself.
Um, and being intentional aboutcreating space for myself to
breathe, um, it's just, it'shuge huge.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
It's everything, it's everything.
And I think for women that arelike go, go, go, go go all the
time for me, I kept saying I'mnot a meditator, I don't do
breath work, so that's not me Idon't go, I laugh like if I'm
gonna go work out, I want topunch something.
You know, I really had thatmindset and I was like the more
(27:29):
I would I would go to events orsomething and they do like a
breath work session or ameditation or something.
And I remember doing a TonyRobbins program and Masterco was
on there and that it wassomething I had never felt
before, like just total.
I don't know what it was withhis voice, but I was just like
(27:52):
totally calm, yeah, and itscared the shit out of me like
why does this feel weird to becalm?
Because I've been so much inthat like go stop, and when you
grow up kind of in, uh, I gottashow up so that somebody sees me
, you know, um, you're in thatfight or flighty type of
(28:16):
mentality all the time.
To feel calm feels very weird.
But it is also something thathas really helped me be able to
get out of that cycle of going,going, going, going, going
always have to be producing.
If I'm not I don't have a coloron my block today then that
(28:36):
means I'm lazy today.
That kind of impacted you tooin learning to slow down and not
having that negative self-talkthat shows up of like if I'm not
busy doing, then I'm lazy, likewhen your kid says you know,
mom, you could sit down.
My kids say that to me all thetime.
My husband really says that tome all the time and I'm like
(28:59):
when I sit down I get thatfeeling of like I'm not being
productive.
How have you dealt with that,overcoming that perfectionism?
Speaker 3 (29:08):
So I think you know we start with the fact that I
had complete burnout incorporate.
Right, I had a point where Iwas exhausted.
I was giving my all.
I was working two full timejobs.
Right, I had the day job I waspaying for.
I was giving my all.
I was working two full-timejobs.
Right, I had the day job I wasbeing paid for.
And then I had the additionalwork that I was doing on the
side, coaching and advising.
I was dealing with leaders whowere, I'll say, protectors of
(29:31):
the status quo and who weren'tinterested.
They said that they wereinterested in the work and being
intentional about creatingspace for people who don't have
a seat at the table.
But then, when they got in theroom with you, their focus
really was figuring out all thedifferent ways that they could
shut you down.
And that was stressful for mebecause I was just like well, no
, like everybody said that theythat this was important, this is
(29:53):
work that they wanted to do.
And I got to a point where, youknow, my husband, who was my
fiance at the time, said to meyou're angry all the time.
You're exploding rage all overthe house and everywhere.
And I had to go into therapyand a year into my therapy
(30:17):
process, my therapist said to me.
She said I want us to take amoment to reflect.
She said when you first came tome, you said I'm so angry and I
can't imagine ever not beingangry again.
I said oh my God.
I said that I said oh my God, Isaid that, and so I was angry, I
(30:39):
was frustrated, I wasoverwhelmed, I was exhausted, I
was completely burnt out and Iwas just exploding, like I
couldn't contain or control myemotions.
Yeah, so therapy, meditation Iwent through a whole nutrition
program changed my relationshipwith food.
I left my corporate job.
(31:00):
I spent a summer traveling andcommuning with my children.
I started my business.
I lost 60 pounds.
I had a year of transformationthat was just completely off the
charts, and now myprioritization of joy and giving
myself space impacts how Iinteract in every circumstance,
(31:24):
right and so, yeah, like if Ihave a half hour break, I like,
literally just before we started, I went and sat down and
watched half of an episode ofAmerican Horror Story.
I was just like I've got a fewminutes, I'm going to sit and
just entertain myself.
Like I said yesterday, I tooktwo hours and I read a book.
I know that I can go, go, go,go, go.
(31:47):
I know that, because I did thatmy entire life, that I can go
without sleeping.
I used to joke sleep isoverrated and I would get four
to five hours of sleep.
Three or four nights a week, andso I was operating at a
consistent level of sleepdeprivation.
Well, we know that sleepdeprivation counters like levels
(32:11):
of drunkenness, right, in termsof your ability to function in
the world, right no-transcriptto have those moments, you know,
(33:09):
each one can get a little bitlonger, right?
Like you know, when I startedoff meditating, I could do four
minutes, six minutes, right, andnow I can sit in calm for half
an hour, right, I couldn't haveimagined that two years ago.
And so practicing calm,practicing patience with
yourself, practicing moments ofquiet, helps you to kind of
(33:33):
build up your tolerance for, youknow, for self-care.
Why do we have to havetolerance for self-care?
Right, but you build thattolerance and you find that
space.
So there's two things I want totoss out in terms of
recommendations.
So one is Vishen Lakhiani isthe person who, like,
(33:54):
transformed my mindset.
He's got an app calledMindvalley and it's a collection
of all of these gurus and youcan find the path to meditation
that makes sense for you,because there's 50 different
meditation leaders in that space.
There's nutrition programs,there's sleep programs, there's
design, your life programs,there's all of this stuff.
(34:14):
So the Mindvalley app has beenhuge to me, and then the book
that I assign in my workshopsand my trainings, that I bring
to my off sites and that Imentioned all of the time, is
the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks,and this idea of being
(34:35):
comfortable with your zone ofincompetence, like the concept
of the zone of incompetence,helped me to understand my
relationship with impostersyndrome and that's not what
it's meant to be, but itliterally reset my brain around
imposter syndrome and allowed meto step out of it and say, oh,
that's not imposter syndrome,that's just shit I don't want to
do.
You know right.
(34:57):
And if I don't let anybody pushme into that space, then I
don't have to worry aboutwhether I'm good at it or not.
I don't want to do it Right.
So, like allowing yourself tohave a zone of incompetence and
just being like, yeah, I'm coolwith that.
He also has a mantra in therethat I love and a bunch of other
things about this concept ofyour upper limit.
(35:18):
And so you grew up aperfectionist like me and it's
like we have all these thingsthat we have to do right all of
the time, and we also weretaught a capacity for happiness
and a capacity for joy.
So, as children of excellence,we were taught don't make your
brother uncomfortable, don'tshow off, don't bring too much
(35:41):
attention to yourself.
There's all these things, thesedon'ts around your excellence
and your joy, and so you've beentaught to tamp it down, tamp it
down, tamp it down.
As an adult, when you start toreach that threshold of joy that
you set for yourself as asix-year-old, you start to
sabotage yourself because you'renot supposed to, you're not
(36:02):
supposed to express that joy,you're not supposed to sit in it
and you can't sit in it for toolong and you can't expand it,
because you learned that youaren't supposed to.
So the big leap was like reallypowerful for me in terms of
being able to stop upperlimiting and allow myself to
really sort of lean into my joyand expand it continually.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Oh, that's so good.
That book is incredible and Ithink when you read that book
you read it more than once.
Yes, you get something out ofit every time.
So if you have read the BigLeap before I know we've talked
about that on other podcaststhat we've recorded too it's a
fan fave in this community.
Yeah, I mean again if youhaven't read it for a while,
(36:49):
because it is amazing how itbecomes applicable to those
things that you're reallyworking through at that moment.
It's one of those good onesthat would be like it's not a,
it's a pretty quick read.
So it's like one of those youcould definitely have on an
annual cycle and you'd be like,oh my gosh 100%.
Speaker 3 (37:07):
So I read it before I started my transformation and
then I read it again this yearand what spoke to me in that
book, when I was still in themidst of all of the things, was
completely different than whatspoke to me after I had started
my own business.
Right, it was just.
It was a completely differentbook and so, absolutely, you got
to read it multiple times.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
And as you start building your confidence and
building your life, your upperlimit changes.
And building your life, yourupper limit changes.
Yes, and many times you can be.
You know, start here and be upfive rungs and then you reset
yourself back down here for somereason.
Yeah, yeah, and I think that'shappened to a lot of us so it's
(37:49):
like, oh shit, I don't belong uphere, and then you end up
falling back down or you kind ofsometimes people refer to it as
self-sabotage, whatever youwant to call it.
There's plenty of little likelabels to go on it but really
just continuing to know thatthat is there and it really is a
thing, and if you'recontinuously paying attention to
(38:11):
it, you don't climb five anddrop three.
You might drop one and thenrealize what am I doing and get
back on that.
Speaker 3 (38:19):
So I think that is that's awesome One thing that I
am in this moment.
Right, I'm having a moment theway he talks about going through
this journey with Kathleen,right, and I listened to the
audio book.
I don't know if you've donethat.
You should absolutely do itthat way one time too right, but
going through this journey withKathleen and being able to
(38:40):
support each other and recognizewhen the other is upper
limiting, if you surroundyourself with people who are not
achieving not achieving right,but who are not trying to live
their joy or who don't know howto live their joy, it's really
easy to get pulled back downbecause you're not with other
(39:01):
people who are trying to live inthat space.
So, recognizing how importantit is to surround yourself with
people who are trying to pushtheir own upper limits and who
are trying to push theircapacity for joy, because you're
doing it as a community andthey can catch you when you fall
and you can catch them whenthey fall and you're, all you
(39:22):
know, elevating together-Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
That's the whole purpose of this community.
Is that?
Because many times we lookaround and we're like's my
people, like they expected to beanswer, or your spouse, or your
mom or your best friend, andthose always scare people.
My closest, closest circle ofwomen, friends that I have very
(39:48):
few of them live within 300miles of me.
We do a lot of this.
We do a lot of phone calls.
We do a lot of phone calls.
We do a lot of texting eachother, but we're building
similar kinds of businessesthere's, you know, you can find
people one that you could help,two that you can collaborate
with and three that you canlearn from.
(40:09):
I loved at the beginning ofthis, just a circle, full circle
.
When you said you know, yourealized that you weren't the
smartest person in the roomanymore.
That's when you know thatyou're on a trajectory of growth
, when you know that because ifyou feel like you're the friend
that everybody comes to for helpall the time.
(40:31):
Girl, you gotta find anothercircle to be a part of, and not
that you can't help them.
Please help them, because weneed women to do that.
But you need those people tohelp, that's right.
Those people need you.
So don't upper limit yourselfon what that community looks
like because it feelscomfortable, because it sucks,
going in a room being like, ohmy God, like I know in here,
(40:58):
it's absolutely incredible.
I'm actually working with ateam right now.
We're developing a franchiseand I sit in these meetings.
We went through our FTVdisclosure, which is like the
big disclosure to sell thefranchise, yesterday and I was
like I feel like I need aninterpreter.
I I know my industry so welland I know what a success this
(41:19):
can be, will be, but just I getlost in all of the lawyer speak,
that is, in all of thesedocuments that I'm like I had to
like take a few minutesafterwards and be like this is a
new level for you.
I had to journal about this.
This is a new level for me thatI haven to journal about this.
This is a new level for me thatI haven't been in for a long
time.
I've been the boss, I've beenthe leader of this business for
(41:43):
years and now I'm coming intosomething where I'm learning
from people and I'm not the onethat people are going to, I'm
the one asking the questions.
And what an opportunity forgrowth.
It is so, so uncomfortable, butif you find yourself in a very
comfy, comfy circle of people,you got you got to seek out
those ones that you aspire to be, the people that you're
(42:06):
watching.
Reach out to them.
It's amazing how many people Ihave reached out to, even just
podcasts I listened to and I'mlike that podcast was badass
today and this is why it helpedme.
Thank you so much for talkingabout this, and it is amazing
how many people that you thinkare completely untouchable
respond to you and say one thankyou so much.
(42:27):
Because they rarely get thevalidation that they're trying.
You know they're not seekingthem, but they rarely get like
oh, wow, we're actually makingan impact and helping.
Many times you're doing thatvery silently and nobody ever
says anything.
A lot of times people end upgiving up because they feel like
they're not making an impact.
Meanwhile there's 100 peopleover here like dying for a next
(42:47):
episode to come out, or dyingfor a new event to come out or a
new course or something, a newbook that you're writing.
So it's just like reaching outand being able to say, hey, I'd
love to learn from you.
It's amazing how many peoplehave have done that.
How have you done things likethat in your life to improve
your circle of influence aroundyou?
Speaker 3 (43:09):
So, like I said, when I was in corporate, I was being
brought into rooms to coach andto teach and to train,
especially young professionalswho were sort of coming up, and
so I got really used to being,you know, that go-to person.
But I'll tell you, corporate, itwill humble you, right.
And so I frequently in my dayjob, found myself in rooms where
(43:29):
I had no idea what I was doing.
I'd have leaders say, hey, I'dlove for you to come and join my
team.
And I'm like, well, I don'tknow anything about that.
And they're like, we'll figureit out together.
So each time I changed roleswhich was maybe every two years,
slightly less every time Ichanged roles, I found myself in
a room where I had no idea whatI was doing.
So I got comfortable withchange and with learning spaces,
you know, really early I alsohad just really incredible
(43:56):
mentors who would tell me you'regetting this absolutely wrong.
And how powerful that is.
Right, naima, this isabsolutely not what we need here
.
Right, like, okay, right, helpme understand, right.
And so getting that kind offeedback, having people not just
(44:17):
say you know you're failing,but like this isn't what we need
, rethink it, this is thedesired outcome, help us get to
that and giving me a chance totry again to iterate until we
got to the space where we weredesigning what we really needed
to design.
Um, what I learned from thoseexperiences was that I get so
much from being in the room withpeople who have more experience
(44:41):
than me and who know more thanme, and in my corporate world it
was really easy to cultivatethat.
I had leaders that I respected.
Every time I was looking for atransformation, a new
opportunity, I would go on aroadshow of you know meetings
and teas and coffees with themso that I could ask for guidance
, I could ask for their feedback, I could ask for introductions,
(45:02):
and that was a powerful, youknow, tool for me to be able to
kind of move through mycorporate career.
When I stepped out on my own, Ivery quickly realized that most
of my conversations with myfriends and my colleagues were
about the struggles of workingwithin the confines of a
corporation, and while I couldadd value in those conversations
(45:26):
, they no longer added value forme because I wasn't in that
space anymore.
So I have had this amazingnetwork where people have
introduced me to otherconsultants.
I have three or four consultingnetworks that I've joined that
have monthly calls where we talkabout our challenges, we share
(45:52):
our experiences, differentcommunities of folks, or join
communities of folks who are onthe same journey that I'm on,
either new to starting abusiness or have been running
their own business for a whileand are sort of grappling with
the challenges of being anentrepreneur, being a boss,
those kinds of things.
And so now you know, mycommunity today is completely
(46:13):
different than what it was twoyears ago, because these are
folks who share the challengesthat I'm experiencing, who are
asking some of the samequestions and some folks have
been entrepreneurs for 18 yearsand others have been
entrepreneurs for 18 months andsometimes I can offer insight
not a lot.
Most of the time they'reoffering insight and I'm
(46:35):
absorbing.
But you know, I told my son atone point I'm like I never again
want to be the smartest personin the room.
I'm really intentional aboutsurrounding myself with people
who inspire me and help me togrow, to be the next best
version of myself, and it's beenreally incredible because I see
(46:59):
myself growing.
I see myself changing right,like Tanya two years ago, if
you'd asked me if I was going tostart a business, I would have
unequivocally said no,absolutely not.
I have no interest in being abusiness owner.
And now I'm thriving, I'msitting in so much joy, and all
of my work, all of my effortsare around helping people to
(47:21):
elevate their lives, and I don'thave to do anything else.
Right, that's it, that's it.
Speaker 2 (47:30):
Yeah, and I love that .
That's it.
You know you can do what youwant and that can be it.
You don't always have to bedoing it all and there will be
great opportunities for peoplethat continuously show up.
You know, the strength is beingable to say no to the things
that aren't going to bring youjoy, that aren't going to
(47:53):
elevate your life.
Just because you can doesn'tmean you should, is one of my
favorite things to say, becausemany of us doers will say but I
could and you'll figure out away to rearrange your life so
that you can try to do somethingelse, because we think we gotta
be constantly moving and goingyeah, so well, the no and the
(48:14):
redirect is a really great wayto give somebody else an
opportunity, right, you ask meto do something and I absolutely
like.
Speaker 3 (48:20):
I met a woman yesterday and she's just like I
would love to partner with you,and here's what I'm thinking
about.
And as she described herbusiness model, I was just like
oh, I have a person wholiterally shares your vision and
your purpose and who's buildinga nonprofit to do this work.
You two should be partners forlife.
So I'm not going to take thison.
I'm going to say no.
(48:41):
And here's a person that youcan build a relationship with
and can you can do these thingstogether, right?
So my no doesn't have to be ashutdown.
It can be an opportunitycreation for somebody in my
world who would love thatopportunity that I don't want
any part of.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
Oh, I love that so much.
What a great, great way ofthinking of that.
It's so great.
I remember a story from DeanGraziosi and he was talking
about how his dad, the firsttime his dad came to like a big
house that he had bought like abig, his first big home, and he
had some a landscaper theremowing the lawn and his dad was
(49:22):
very blue collar they grew upvery poor was like why would you
pay another man to do what isyour responsibility?
And his big thing with that wasI'm giving this man the
opportunity that I was given tobe able to have that, you know,
and I, for a long time I waslike that too.
I was like trying to run abusiness, I got five kids here,
(49:43):
I got all this stuff and I waslike I'm gonna hire something.
Somebody had said to me youneed to hire a house cleaner to
come to your house at least.
Then you would have to do that.
And I was like like, yeah,responsibility, my job, it's my
job.
How I define myself as a woman.
Yes, oh, my gosh.
As we record this podcast, I'mlike can somebody hear the
vacuum out here?
(50:04):
Because when I leave thispodcast studio, my house is
going to be gorgeous thismorning, and I always have them
come on Fridays because then Idon't spend the entire weekend.
I could be spending with myfamily cleaning my house, and
you know what?
It's a small operation.
I know the person that ownsthis company.
It is helping her build herdream while I'm in here building
(50:27):
mine.
And if we have more of thatmentality, instead of thinking,
oh, we have to do this, we gotto do this, we got to do
everything Like, how much moreopportunity are we creating for
people out there to live theirdreams?
You know we hold too tightly tothings.
It's the old sand adage.
You know everything just slipsaway.
But if you can, you know,invite people to the table and
(50:49):
you can delegate someresponsibility and employ people
to be able to help you to keepyour own mind and sanity.
It can be a very beautiful lifebeing an entrepreneur,
absolutely, absolutely so, sogood.
Well, naeemah, if someone wantsto reach out to you and connect
with you, they want to learnmore about you, what you do with
(51:10):
your coaching programs.
Where's the best place for themto find and support you?
Speaker 3 (51:14):
Absolutely, thank you .
The best place to find me is onLinkedIn, so you can find me if
you've so folks I'm looking for.
If you are working in acorporate space and you feel
like there's value in bringingsomeone in to do some public
speaking coaching or somemanager coaching, I can play
there.
If you are interested in lifecoaching, career coaching, those
kinds of things, that's anotherspace that I play.
(51:37):
You can find me on LinkedIn,naima Elias, and so come, follow
me, sign up for a freeconsultation.
I'm happy to talk with you for20 minutes and just kind of help
think about like what do youneed, like what helps you to
elevate and step into that nextstep, and I would love to play.
So reach out and let's connectand continue to build this
amazing community.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
Awesome, awesome, and I will definitely link
everything that you just talkedabout in the show notes to
definitely collect or connectwith Naima.
This has been such anincredible conversation.
You are like just the, thecomplete definition and epitome
of what a lady's kicking a ladykicking ass is to me and it's
(52:20):
observation of things.
It really is, you know, goingout and taking a risk and
building a business and doingreally cool things.
But I always love to hear fromeveryone that is a guest on the
podcast how they relate to thatphrase.
So when you hear the phraseladies kicking ass Naima, what
does that mean to you and yourwomen?
Speaker 3 (52:40):
So I think it's a couple of things One, showing up
at your best, but then two,recognizing that your best
doesn't require perfection,right?
So, being the best you that youcan be and activating your
community, asking for help andgiving help, so that you are
radiating your best self intothe community around you.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
So good oh my gosh, so good.
This was such an incredibleconversation.
I feel like I met my twin todayin spirit and the way that we
handle our lives.
So thank you so much forsharing your time with us today
and I look forward to continuingto connect with you.
Speaker 3 (53:23):
Absolutely Tanya.
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (53:30):
Thanks for being part of the ladies kick and ask
community Cheers to all youbadass women out there.
Keep rocking your power,igniting your fire and making
waves in the service industry.
If you loved today's episode,please do me a quick favor.
Take a screenshot, post it andtag us at Ladies Kicking Ass.
Be sure to include the link toyour favorite episode.
(53:50):
Your support in spreading theword means the world to us as we
aim to empower even more women.
Hit that subscribe button tostay tuned for more kick-ass
episodes.
And don't forget a five-starreview is the ultimate high five
.
Connect with us on social media.
All the links are in the shownotes.
Thank you for being part of ourtribe.
Now go kick some serious ass,lady.
Welcome to the Ladies Kickin' Ass Podcast, where we
help you ignite your innerbadass and create the service
business of your dreams.
I'm your host, Tanya Wilson,and together we'll dive into
inspiring stories and expertcoaching to set your journey on
fire hey, ladies, welcome backto the podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Today we have an incredible guest with us.
Naima is joining us.
She's a powerhouse woman who hastransformed her life
experiences into a mission tohelp others break barriers and
unlock their full potential.
Naima has navigated a journeyfilled with challenges,
resilience and amazingachievements, and I'm so excited
for this dynamic coach to beable to dig in with us today and
we're just going to kind of gothere and talk a little bit
(00:54):
about motherhood, starting abusiness, being a single mom to
you know, trying to figure outhow to navigate all the things
and not beat the shit out ofyourself about how you're not
showing up perfectly all of thetime and you know all of those
things.
It's a really good, feel goodconversation to have two women
that have really have been atthe depths of like oh shit, to
(01:17):
now being able to see likethey've built two really awesome
businesses.
I think a lot more women needto be able to see women that
have done this and talk aboutthe struggles, of how they got
there and this 10, you knowovernight success.
That was really 10 years ofreally really hard work.
So, naima, thank you for takingthe time to be with us today,
and why don't you give us alittle bit about your background
(01:39):
and what some of those littlestruggles were and what you
enjoy doing for work today?
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Absolutely.
Thank you so much, Tanya.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I'm excited to be here and to talk about kicking
ass with you today.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
So I grew up in poverty on the south side of
Chicago and my parents are bothentrepreneurs by spirit but with
no resources right.
So not having the ability tostart a business, not having the
ability to really sort of scaleanything, they did little
things.
They made things and soldthings.
So I grew up in a space whereentrepreneurship was valued, but
(02:16):
I also grew up in poverty, as Isaid, and so the ability to get
out of our circumstances reallyfocused on education, of our
circumstances really focused oneducation.
So working really hard.
And I learned young that I hadto be perfect, everything had to
be perfect, I had to geteverything right, I had to get
straight A's, I had to show up,I had to do all of the right
things, I had to present myselfthe right way, everything had to
(02:37):
be perfect.
And I carried that with me wellinto my 30s, that with me well
into my 30s.
And it was really hard toalways be perfect.
It was really hard to always.
I was so hard on myself, right,I was always hard on myself.
So I got the straight A's, Idid really well in high school
and then I went to Harvard andso this was kind of a big deal
(02:59):
right, like it wasn't commonobviously you know from my town,
from my school for somebody togo someplace like Harvard.
And I talk about thriving as anoutsider in my business, talk
about being an outsider.
I came from a space where Ididn't always have food on the
table and now I'm in thisbastion of wealth and privilege
(03:21):
and success and it was sostrange for me, it was so odd.
I didn't fit in, I didn't feellike it made sense, but I was
still trying to be perfect, Iwas still trying to get
everything right and I realizedreally early on that I was not
the smartest person in the world, that I was not the smartest
person in the room.
And then I had so much that Ihad to learn.
(03:43):
And so I went through theHarvard experience, sort of
reciting myself, readjusting towhere I fit in the world and
being a little fish in a bigpond instead of being that big
fish in the little pond that Iwas before.
So after I finished college, Iwent off and was a professional
actress for a few years and hadan amazing experience doing that
(04:06):
.
I toured as a puppeteer for ayear and a half, which was
really fun, and then I decided Iwanted to be a mom, and it was
this moment.
It was it's time.
I'm ready to be a mother and Iwasn't ready to be a wife.
I didn't understand what itmeant to be a wife.
I couldn't really get my headaround what that was.
I just wanted to be a mother.
(04:26):
So got together with a childhoodfriend.
We had a couple of kids.
We were together for some yearsand I was unhappy.
I was very unhappy and I lostmy job.
I had to file for bankruptcy,and so right after my third
child was born, I found myselfunemployed, with terrible credit
(04:46):
, three children moving in withmy in-laws and going to food
pantries to get food to feed mychildren, and so everything had
just fallen apart and I was atthis point where I had to figure
out how to restart my life.
And so I ultimately, you know, Iconnected with a recruiter
(05:09):
friend of mine who found anopportunity for me to move back
to Boston, and at 35, I was backin a new city, three kids
filing for divorce, restartingmy career, not enough money to
pay my rent, right, likeeverything was just kind of
starting from scratch.
(05:30):
And I asked my mom.
I was like I need help.
Can you?
You know, can you come help me?
Can you come help me?
You know to figure this out.
And she said, absolutely, but Iwon't be your husband.
I was like, well, what doesthat mean?
And she's like I've got toomany girlfriends whose daughters
moved back in with them andtheir lives became being their
(05:50):
daughter's partner, raisingtheir daughter's children, and
they never were able to move onwith their lives.
They were never able to sort ofrecontinue their life
trajectory.
They just sort of reset as theco-parent for their grandchild.
And she said I'm not going todo that.
So you're going to build yourcareer, you're going to date and
you're going to reset yourself.
And then I'm going back on theroad, I'm going to go back to
(06:12):
traveling, hanging out, doingthe things that I want to do.
This isn't my stopping point.
And I was like, okay, twist myarm.
If I have to date, I guess I'lldate.
So I did restart my life and Idid get intentional about
building my career and so atthis point I was working at
(06:34):
State Street and at State Streetmy day job was doing process
design, transformation work.
But I found this passion aroundtraining and developing people.
I took my theater backgroundand I was training the
introverts and the researchersto speak in front of audiences.
I was coaching youngprofessionals and helping them
to navigate their careers andask for what they wanted and
really kind of get outside oftheir comfort zone.
(06:56):
And I did this coaching andtraining on the side for years
and years and years.
At some point I was hired toactually build a program to help
to move people around thecompany, to do this mobilization
work, so instead of layingpeople off, we can move them
into new roles.
And after years, after a decadeof doing this coaching work, I
(07:17):
realized that this is my life,this is who I am, this is what I
want to be my purpose.
And so in 23, I had theprivilege of being laid off.
I call it a privilege, right.
I had the opportunity to leavethe organization and to have
some time to really kind ofreset and rethink where I wanted
(07:37):
to be.
And I talked and networked andconnected with all these
different folks.
And then I accidentally found aclient.
And then I accidentally foundanother client.
I said, oh, I think I started abusiness.
You know it.
Just you know it kind ofhappened.
And so then I reached out toall of these people that I had
trained over the years and said,hey, this is the work that I
(07:59):
want to do.
Is there an opportunity for meto come and play at your company
?
And those people that I hadhelped out of the goodness of my
heart and it wasn't my job wereexcited about the fact that I'm
now doing this as a service andare bringing me into their
companies.
And so now my focus and my workis around helping people to
(08:21):
thrive in corporate spaces,helping people with
communication and confidence.
And then I want to just kind ofdouble back on the parenting
piece of it, because you talkabout, like the perfection,
right?
So, as a single mom with threekids they were two, four and six
when I became a single momthere's no perfection.
There's no perfection when youhave two parents all in trying
(08:42):
to get it right.
But I was like there's no way Ican do this on my own right.
But the help that I needed wasfrom the kids, right, and
helping them to understand fromthe very beginning this isn't my
house and you're living in it.
This is our house and we arecollectively responsible for it.
(09:03):
So I got really intentionalabout teaching them independence
, right, like I don't cleanbathrooms.
I hate cleaning bathrooms, andteaching kids how to clean
bathrooms is really, really hard.
But once you do it and youdon't have to do it anymore,
life changing right.
And so helping the kids tolearn the skills to have
(09:24):
ownership, co-ownership of ourhousehold and feeling the
responsibility for all of us tobe able to thrive in this house
was hugely important to me, andso I started a YouTube channel
last year.
I had been toying with the ideaof a book and then I was working
with a coach and we pivoted toa YouTube channel and I just
(09:46):
sort of tell stories and I'msharing.
Like you know, here's how Iapproached teaching the kids to
cook.
Here's how I approachedteaching them to clean up after
themselves, how to clean abathroom, taking public
transportation right, like thosekinds of things that they have
to learn.
But as parents, it's reallyhard for us to let go.
It's really hard for us to letthem do it poorly, let them fail
(10:09):
and make mistakes and do itreally poorly until they learn,
because it's easier to just doit yourself.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
But I don't have the capacity or the emotional
ability to do it myself.
And then, finally, I'll touchon we'll say neurodivergence,
right?
So over the course of the yearswe've discovered sort of
various levels ofneurodivergence in each one of
my kids.
And then, as I'm connectingwith them and understanding how
(10:39):
they're approaching the world, Istart to see similarities and
I'm like, oh, I should gettested too, because that is the
way you know.
And so I have been, you know,like growing up, when we grew up
, like none of that was a thing,like you just figured it out,
right, but what if I had thelanguage for it?
What if I had tools that saidyou know, this is how your brain
(11:05):
works and if you do this, it'sactually going to make things
easier for you.
So I've been sort of navigatingthrough undiagnosed
neurodivergence and utilizingcommunication really to kind of
help my kids to be successful,despite my insufficiencies,
every step of the way.
So that's my rambling story.
(11:26):
It's a little bit all thepieces, but it's been joy.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
It's so good oh my gosh, there was so much goodness
in there.
I think for a lot of achievers,which is a vast majority of the
people listening to thispodcast, many of them are
entrepreneurs in some aspect isthat need for perfection?
Yeah, and I truly believe thatthat comes from many different
(11:55):
places.
For me, I, oh, I'm horrible atthis.
I always want it like let's bethe most efficient.
My thing is like how efficientcan we be at this?
Like how can we make sense, howcan we put it in a process and
I think that's just from yearsof running a business too.
Sometimes we have to realizethat we can't run our personal
lives in our homes like we runour business, you know, like it
(12:19):
weren't, where we have employeesand we pay them to do specific
things that we ask them to do Athome.
We cannot be that perfectionmonster or that SOP person that
we are at work.
How have you, with what you'vebeen doing, have you found a
(12:40):
hack, a tip, a something where,if you are this person the boss,
if you will, or the leader in abusiness and then you come home
, like you talked about havingdifferent kinds of forms of
communication with your kids?
That's very true.
Even so, with your husband, youknow, or your spouse, when you
come home and you're like you'restill in like work mode and you
(13:01):
have to come home and flip aswitch and become mom mode and
teach them and train them 50times how to clean a bathroom,
like, where have you been ableto kind of like put that
perfection down and be able toreally like utilize it great in
work, but being able to reallybe loving and have those
(13:22):
different kinds of communicationforms with your kids?
Speaker 3 (13:31):
So, tanya, I have to tell you I'm still learning,
right.
When my kids were younger, wehad whiteboard lists in every
room of every house, right?
And so, like here's your end ofthe day, you know, get ready
for bed list.
Here's your after school list,here's your how to make a meal
list, like, every room of thehouse had whiteboard stickers on
the walls with to-do lists onthem.
And my kids communicate indifferent ways and they navigate
(13:52):
the world in different ways,and so part of it for me was
learning that I couldn'tapproach all of them the same
way.
Each one needed a differentversion of me to be able to
achieve their own success.
My middle child is profoundwith language, and so he gets
really frustrated with me when Irepeat myself he's just like I
(14:12):
got it, you said it clearly thefirst time, you didn't need to
say it a third time, and he getsfrustrated when I'm not clear.
And so, learning how to justkind of pause and be intentional
about, like, what is theoutcome that I want from the
conversation, but also saying tohim you have license to
challenge me.
You have license to say to memom, I want you know, what I
(14:36):
need from you in this moment isX Right.
So he said to me once you alwayssolve everybody's problems.
Sometimes I just want to saywhat I want to say and I don't
want you to solve my problems.
And I was like great, okay.
So when you come to me, I needyou to say to me I just want you
to listen or I need your help.
And if you say I just wantlistening, mom, then I'll be
listening, right, and with myhusband.
(15:00):
So we have been together for 12years but we just got married
this year and so he didn't livein our house and he didn't have
to deal with like full on Naimaall the time.
But with him moving into thehouse, I realized that like I I
do want everything to be just so, like I'll come behind him and
like reorganize the dishwasher,yes and right, you know, and and
(15:26):
and.
So my mom told me in my firstmarriage early on she was just
like if you want him to dothings, you have to stop
correcting him, because if hethinks that he can't do it right
, he'll stop doing it alltogether and you'll end up doing
everything, yep, like thingsyep like oh, that's uh really
(15:48):
important, remember that yes,because they come in wanting to
add value and wanting to behelpful, improve themselves and
all of that.
But if you keep correcting, thenthey'll, they'll check out
right and you know.
So I say to the kids I'm likemy goal is not perfection, um,
my goal is that you have theseskills and you know how to do
them.
When you go out on your own,when you're living in your own
(16:10):
house, you should know how toclean your bathroom.
You should know how to washyour laundry, you know, and so
I'm checking in occasionally.
But you know I have to, like,check myself, right.
I have to stop myself and andrecognize they're not going to
do things the way that I do themand my perfectionism is a
shortcoming Right.
It's not healthy, and so Idon't need to impose my
(16:35):
dysfunction on them.
If they've learned the skilland they show that they're able
to display the skill, then Ijust need to stand down and let
them do it in their way.
But it's a constant process forme, reminding myself you don't
need to say anything else, youdon't need to push any further,
(16:55):
like, let it be, yeah, yeah yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
How do you think that that means for perfection, like
having things perfect, like thedishwasher, like we can look at
all these tangible things?
But how do you think, mindsetwise, that need for perfection
has affected you personally.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
I know that I spend more time on things that don't
matter than I should and thattakes away my ability to spend
time on things that would bringme joy.
Right, and it's that simple,right.
So you know, my son said to meonce you don't always have to be
doing something, mom, youshould sit down, right.
(17:46):
Right, and I know I want tospend time with my kids.
I know I want to do things withthem and I'm intentional about
let's go out of the house, let'sgo do things in the world house
, let's go do things in theworld.
One thing I started doing whenthey were smaller we had like no
money is that we couldn'tafford a vacation.
(18:06):
We would do a staycation.
So I would like, you know, booktwo nights at the Holiday Inn
and, you know, with a swimmingpool and it's, you know, no
travel required, we would justlike go and we'd all like cram
into one room with two beds andthey can go swimming three or
four times.
There's no laundry to be done,there's no cooking, there's no
cleaning, it's just us hangingout, playing games and swimming,
and I know that I'm removingmyself from the pressure and
(18:30):
responsibility of my house andI'm able to just sit and enjoy
the space with my babies Right,and so I've, with my babies,
right and so I've.
I know that, like that's one ofmy like coping mechanisms, right
, it's just like my strategiesis, if I remove myself from the
work that needs to be done, thenI know I can relax and I can
(18:52):
spend that time doing the thingsthat I enjoy.
Yesterday I had like a meetingat a government agency, so, like
I gave myself the entiremorning.
I was like it's open from 830to noon, I'm just going to be
there from 830 to noon.
Well, I finished what I neededto do by noon and instead of
coming home and getting straightto work, I sat in a lobby and
(19:15):
grabbed a cup of tea and read abook for two hours.
Grabbed a cup of tea and read abook for two hours.
Yes, right.
So keeping removing myself fromthe space where the work is is
a way to kind of give myselfthat space to have joy and
indulge in the thing that thatcalms me and that gives me peace
(19:35):
.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Yes, we thank you so much for being so vulnerable and
talking about that, because alot of women just went oh we're
talking, um, because I findmyself it's like you were
talking about me when you'retalking about that.
So I know there's other peoplethat feel this way.
Something I have started doing,which I never do, because my
(19:58):
calendar.
I was always so proud that it'svery color coded and if it's
purple, it's family, and if it'sblue then it's work, and if
it's pink then it's podcast andladies kicking ass, and you know
it's orange If it's a sportscolor, like it's so much.
And I just sat down this lastcouple of weeks and I I had a
(20:20):
small meltdown and I was like Iam so busy all the time, like I
don't follow up with my friends,I don't follow up with
wonderful women I meet throughthis community, like I, how can
I be more present?
And I'm like how the hell couldyou be present when you're
doing something all the time?
Like I would, I, like Iliterally would go from one
meeting to the next one and I'mlike I'm going to be late on the
(20:41):
Zoom because I got to run tothe restroom and I haven't even
scheduled enough time for myselfto do that, let alone eat lunch
or take a little walk orexercise or journal or do
anything.
It was like I would punishmyself if I don't wake up at 430
in the morning to have me time,which was on my schedule.
And for the record, 430 in themorning to have me time, which
was on my schedule and for therecord, 4, 30 in the morning is
(21:02):
punishment well, and I I waslike and then if I couldn't wake
up because I didn't go to bedtill late, because I was up
doing crap, then I would be like, oh you're, you're letting
yourself down.
You know you're doing all thisstuff.
I just had to get into this.
Like I cleared my entire weekand I need to sit and focus,
(21:24):
because we say like we want tospend time with our children our
families are so important to usand we say this all the time
but what my kids were seeing wasthat work was more important,
that this meeting with someoneelse was more important, that I
had to hurry and eat dinner andclean up real fast so I could go
sit down and work some more.
Yeah, that's what they'resaying is important.
(21:44):
So we say that things areimportant, but they're not.
So I would super challengepeople that, if you find
yourself identifying in whatwe're talking about here, look
at your calendar.
We've always been taught, on aproductivity phase oh, make it
all pretty and make sure youtime block, and you do all this.
Where the hell is the timeblock for you, though?
(22:05):
Like I just started stopping atStarbucks, I get my favorite
little drink, I sit at a cornertable and even if I am reading
work emails or if I'm doingthings that I feel like I never
caught up on, or looking at mykids school in their grades and
do they have like missingassignments, like all the things
(22:25):
that we just don't make timefor, but that's like my one hour
a day that I get to sit andwork on whenever I want to, if
it's work, if it's somethingelse, but I'm not at home doing
laundry, which never ends withfive children, I'm not cooking
dinner, I'm not answeringeveryone's questions at work.
I'm really taking time formyself.
(22:46):
So, even if that is work stuff,but you're you're doing what
you want to do and you're notalways on someone else's agenda.
I think that's the perfectiontoo, because if you are a
perfectionist, you are a peoplepleaser, which often means you
end up putting yourself at thebottom of the list of everything
, and we just really, reallycannot do that anymore triggered
(23:23):
right when I was working incorporate, my last couple of
roles.
Speaker 3 (23:25):
I had stakeholders in Europe and I had stakeholders
in Asia, so my call started at 7, 7.30 in the morning and I
would have calls at 9.30 and 10o'clock at night most days of
the week, and there were timeswhen I was running a global team
where I might have threemeetings at the same time and I
had to figure out which one arewe going to reschedule, which
one I'm going to delegate andwhich one am I going to.
(23:47):
And I would go through myworkday and I'd get to about 5,
530 and there'd be a break.
And that was a break for me topause and think about what's
everything that I told somebodyI was going to do today.
Am I shooting that to somebodyelse to do, or am I somehow
going to figure out how to do itmyself?
But there was no time to do theactual work because I spent my
entire life in overlappingmeetings, and so when I started
(24:12):
my business, one of the firstthings that I did when I set up
my Calendly for scheduling,every meeting has a required
buffer of half hour above andhalf hour below.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (24:23):
And so I no longer have that.
Oh, my goodness, I'm not goingto be able to go to the bathroom
.
Oh, my goodness, haven't eatentoday.
Right, there's going to be ahalf an hour in between every
meeting for me to kind of reset,but if I need to send a quick
email out afterwards, you know,with action items, whatever it
is, that was a gift that I gavemyself when I started my process
(24:45):
, because I knew that I neededto have space to breathe.
I knew that if I went intocreating my own world in the
mirror image of the corporateworld that I lived, that I would
go back to being burnt out justlike I was when I was working
in corporate.
So that half hour, you know itmeans that the meeting can run
(25:07):
long by 10 minutes, and that'sokay, right, and I still have
time to go put a load in thewash.
I still have time to pause andtalk to my kid before they run
out for their activities andwhatever it is that needs to be
done.
And if anybody wants myattention in the house three
kids, husband, mom if anybodyneeds my attention in the house,
at most I'll be availablewithin an hour, right, and
(25:32):
actually have time to engage.
But I have all the colors andit's not family and work, it's
like each kid has their owncolor and I have my own color
and my husband has his own color, and there's a color for when
I'm presenting and there's acolor for business development
and there's a color for coachingclients and all of those things
.
So like I can look at it andI'm like, oh, I'm doing great,
(25:54):
I'm really balancing and all ofthat.
But there's also those spaces,and those spaces are incredible
because I feel like, you know,if I have a coaching session and
someone is emotional andthey're having a really tough
time, I can't go directly fromthat into running a workshop for
(26:14):
a corporation, right, right, Ihave to have that space to reset
myself Because you know as muchas as a coach, it's not my
problem, it's your problem andI'm supposed to be helping you
through it.
I'm still absorbing theemotional qualities of this
experience.
I'm human and and I need to beable to have my human reset and
(26:37):
sometimes that's just go in myroom, close my door, put on a
meditation sound and just havesomething in the background to
just kind of calm my mind and myyou know, my brainwaves before
I step into the next thing, sothat the starting meditation
about a year and a half ago wasone of the most powerful things
(26:57):
I could have done for myself.
Um, and being intentional aboutcreating space for myself to
breathe, um, it's just, it'shuge huge.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
It's everything, it's everything.
And I think for women that arelike go, go, go, go go all the
time for me, I kept saying I'mnot a meditator, I don't do
breath work, so that's not me Idon't go, I laugh like if I'm
gonna go work out, I want topunch something.
You know, I really had thatmindset and I was like the more
(27:29):
I would I would go to events orsomething and they do like a
breath work session or ameditation or something.
And I remember doing a TonyRobbins program and Masterco was
on there and that it wassomething I had never felt
before, like just total.
I don't know what it was withhis voice, but I was just like
(27:52):
totally calm, yeah, and itscared the shit out of me like
why does this feel weird to becalm?
Because I've been so much inthat like go stop, and when you
grow up kind of in, uh, I gottashow up so that somebody sees me
, you know, um, you're in thatfight or flighty type of
(28:16):
mentality all the time.
To feel calm feels very weird.
But it is also something thathas really helped me be able to
get out of that cycle of going,going, going, going, going
always have to be producing.
If I'm not I don't have a coloron my block today then that
(28:36):
means I'm lazy today.
That kind of impacted you tooin learning to slow down and not
having that negative self-talkthat shows up of like if I'm not
busy doing, then I'm lazy, likewhen your kid says you know,
mom, you could sit down.
My kids say that to me all thetime.
My husband really says that tome all the time and I'm like
(28:59):
when I sit down I get thatfeeling of like I'm not being
productive.
How have you dealt with that,overcoming that perfectionism?
Speaker 3 (29:08):
So I think you know we start with the fact that I
had complete burnout incorporate.
Right, I had a point where Iwas exhausted.
I was giving my all.
I was working two full timejobs.
Right, I had the day job I waspaying for.
I was giving my all.
I was working two full-timejobs.
Right, I had the day job I wasbeing paid for.
And then I had the additionalwork that I was doing on the
side, coaching and advising.
I was dealing with leaders whowere, I'll say, protectors of
(29:31):
the status quo and who weren'tinterested.
They said that they wereinterested in the work and being
intentional about creatingspace for people who don't have
a seat at the table.
But then, when they got in theroom with you, their focus
really was figuring out all thedifferent ways that they could
shut you down.
And that was stressful for mebecause I was just like well, no
, like everybody said that theythat this was important, this is
(29:53):
work that they wanted to do.
And I got to a point where, youknow, my husband, who was my
fiance at the time, said to meyou're angry all the time.
You're exploding rage all overthe house and everywhere.
And I had to go into therapyand a year into my therapy
(30:17):
process, my therapist said to me.
She said I want us to take amoment to reflect.
She said when you first came tome, you said I'm so angry and I
can't imagine ever not beingangry again.
I said oh my God.
I said that I said oh my God, Isaid that, and so I was angry, I
(30:39):
was frustrated, I wasoverwhelmed, I was exhausted, I
was completely burnt out and Iwas just exploding, like I
couldn't contain or control myemotions.
Yeah, so therapy, meditation Iwent through a whole nutrition
program changed my relationshipwith food.
I left my corporate job.
(31:00):
I spent a summer traveling andcommuning with my children.
I started my business.
I lost 60 pounds.
I had a year of transformationthat was just completely off the
charts, and now myprioritization of joy and giving
myself space impacts how Iinteract in every circumstance,
(31:24):
right and so, yeah, like if Ihave a half hour break, I like,
literally just before we started, I went and sat down and
watched half of an episode ofAmerican Horror Story.
I was just like I've got a fewminutes, I'm going to sit and
just entertain myself.
Like I said yesterday, I tooktwo hours and I read a book.
I know that I can go, go, go,go, go.
(31:47):
I know that, because I did thatmy entire life, that I can go
without sleeping.
I used to joke sleep isoverrated and I would get four
to five hours of sleep.
Three or four nights a week, andso I was operating at a
consistent level of sleepdeprivation.
Well, we know that sleepdeprivation counters like levels
(32:11):
of drunkenness, right, in termsof your ability to function in
the world, right no-transcriptto have those moments, you know,
(33:09):
each one can get a little bitlonger, right?
Like you know, when I startedoff meditating, I could do four
minutes, six minutes, right, andnow I can sit in calm for half
an hour, right, I couldn't haveimagined that two years ago.
And so practicing calm,practicing patience with
yourself, practicing moments ofquiet, helps you to kind of
(33:33):
build up your tolerance for, youknow, for self-care.
Why do we have to havetolerance for self-care?
Right, but you build thattolerance and you find that
space.
So there's two things I want totoss out in terms of
recommendations.
So one is Vishen Lakhiani isthe person who, like,
(33:54):
transformed my mindset.
He's got an app calledMindvalley and it's a collection
of all of these gurus and youcan find the path to meditation
that makes sense for you,because there's 50 different
meditation leaders in that space.
There's nutrition programs,there's sleep programs, there's
design, your life programs,there's all of this stuff.
(34:14):
So the Mindvalley app has beenhuge to me, and then the book
that I assign in my workshopsand my trainings, that I bring
to my off sites and that Imentioned all of the time, is
the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks,and this idea of being
(34:35):
comfortable with your zone ofincompetence, like the concept
of the zone of incompetence,helped me to understand my
relationship with impostersyndrome and that's not what
it's meant to be, but itliterally reset my brain around
imposter syndrome and allowed meto step out of it and say, oh,
that's not imposter syndrome,that's just shit I don't want to
do.
You know right.
(34:57):
And if I don't let anybody pushme into that space, then I
don't have to worry aboutwhether I'm good at it or not.
I don't want to do it Right.
So, like allowing yourself tohave a zone of incompetence and
just being like, yeah, I'm coolwith that.
He also has a mantra in therethat I love and a bunch of other
things about this concept ofyour upper limit.
(35:18):
And so you grew up aperfectionist like me and it's
like we have all these thingsthat we have to do right all of
the time, and we also weretaught a capacity for happiness
and a capacity for joy.
So, as children of excellence,we were taught don't make your
brother uncomfortable, don'tshow off, don't bring too much
(35:41):
attention to yourself.
There's all these things, thesedon'ts around your excellence
and your joy, and so you've beentaught to tamp it down, tamp it
down, tamp it down.
As an adult, when you start toreach that threshold of joy that
you set for yourself as asix-year-old, you start to
sabotage yourself because you'renot supposed to, you're not
(36:02):
supposed to express that joy,you're not supposed to sit in it
and you can't sit in it for toolong and you can't expand it,
because you learned that youaren't supposed to.
So the big leap was like reallypowerful for me in terms of
being able to stop upperlimiting and allow myself to
really sort of lean into my joyand expand it continually.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Oh, that's so good.
That book is incredible and Ithink when you read that book
you read it more than once.
Yes, you get something out ofit every time.
So if you have read the BigLeap before I know we've talked
about that on other podcaststhat we've recorded too it's a
fan fave in this community.
Yeah, I mean again if youhaven't read it for a while,
(36:49):
because it is amazing how itbecomes applicable to those
things that you're reallyworking through at that moment.
It's one of those good onesthat would be like it's not a,
it's a pretty quick read.
So it's like one of those youcould definitely have on an
annual cycle and you'd be like,oh my gosh 100%.
Speaker 3 (37:07):
So I read it before I started my transformation and
then I read it again this yearand what spoke to me in that
book, when I was still in themidst of all of the things, was
completely different than whatspoke to me after I had started
my own business.
Right, it was just.
It was a completely differentbook and so, absolutely, you got
to read it multiple times.
Speaker 2 (37:28):
And as you start building your confidence and
building your life, your upperlimit changes.
And building your life, yourupper limit changes.
Yes, and many times you can be.
You know, start here and be upfive rungs and then you reset
yourself back down here for somereason.
Yeah, yeah, and I think that'shappened to a lot of us so it's
(37:49):
like, oh shit, I don't belong uphere, and then you end up
falling back down or you kind ofsometimes people refer to it as
self-sabotage, whatever youwant to call it.
There's plenty of little likelabels to go on it but really
just continuing to know thatthat is there and it really is a
thing, and if you'recontinuously paying attention to
(38:11):
it, you don't climb five anddrop three.
You might drop one and thenrealize what am I doing and get
back on that.
Speaker 3 (38:19):
So I think that is that's awesome One thing that I
am in this moment.
Right, I'm having a moment theway he talks about going through
this journey with Kathleen,right, and I listened to the
audio book.
I don't know if you've donethat.
You should absolutely do itthat way one time too right, but
going through this journey withKathleen and being able to
(38:40):
support each other and recognizewhen the other is upper
limiting, if you surroundyourself with people who are not
achieving not achieving right,but who are not trying to live
their joy or who don't know howto live their joy, it's really
easy to get pulled back downbecause you're not with other
(39:01):
people who are trying to live inthat space.
So, recognizing how importantit is to surround yourself with
people who are trying to pushtheir own upper limits and who
are trying to push theircapacity for joy, because you're
doing it as a community andthey can catch you when you fall
and you can catch them whenthey fall and you're, all you
(39:22):
know, elevating together-Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
That's the whole purpose of this community.
Is that?
Because many times we lookaround and we're like's my
people, like they expected to beanswer, or your spouse, or your
mom or your best friend, andthose always scare people.
My closest, closest circle ofwomen, friends that I have very
(39:48):
few of them live within 300miles of me.
We do a lot of this.
We do a lot of phone calls.
We do a lot of phone calls.
We do a lot of texting eachother, but we're building
similar kinds of businessesthere's, you know, you can find
people one that you could help,two that you can collaborate
with and three that you canlearn from.
(40:09):
I loved at the beginning ofthis, just a circle, full circle
.
When you said you know, yourealized that you weren't the
smartest person in the roomanymore.
That's when you know thatyou're on a trajectory of growth
, when you know that because ifyou feel like you're the friend
that everybody comes to for helpall the time.
(40:31):
Girl, you gotta find anothercircle to be a part of, and not
that you can't help them.
Please help them, because weneed women to do that.
But you need those people tohelp, that's right.
Those people need you.
So don't upper limit yourselfon what that community looks
like because it feelscomfortable, because it sucks,
going in a room being like, ohmy God, like I know in here,
(40:58):
it's absolutely incredible.
I'm actually working with ateam right now.
We're developing a franchiseand I sit in these meetings.
We went through our FTVdisclosure, which is like the
big disclosure to sell thefranchise, yesterday and I was
like I feel like I need aninterpreter.
I I know my industry so welland I know what a success this
(41:19):
can be, will be, but just I getlost in all of the lawyer speak,
that is, in all of thesedocuments that I'm like I had to
like take a few minutesafterwards and be like this is a
new level for you.
I had to journal about this.
This is a new level for me thatI haven to journal about this.
This is a new level for me thatI haven't been in for a long
time.
I've been the boss, I've beenthe leader of this business for
(41:43):
years and now I'm coming intosomething where I'm learning
from people and I'm not the onethat people are going to, I'm
the one asking the questions.
And what an opportunity forgrowth.
It is so, so uncomfortable, butif you find yourself in a very
comfy, comfy circle of people,you got you got to seek out
those ones that you aspire to be, the people that you're
(42:06):
watching.
Reach out to them.
It's amazing how many people Ihave reached out to, even just
podcasts I listened to and I'mlike that podcast was badass
today and this is why it helpedme.
Thank you so much for talkingabout this, and it is amazing
how many people that you thinkare completely untouchable
respond to you and say one thankyou so much.
(42:27):
Because they rarely get thevalidation that they're trying.
You know they're not seekingthem, but they rarely get like
oh, wow, we're actually makingan impact and helping.
Many times you're doing thatvery silently and nobody ever
says anything.
A lot of times people end upgiving up because they feel like
they're not making an impact.
Meanwhile there's 100 peopleover here like dying for a next
(42:47):
episode to come out, or dyingfor a new event to come out or a
new course or something, a newbook that you're writing.
So it's just like reaching outand being able to say, hey, I'd
love to learn from you.
It's amazing how many peoplehave have done that.
How have you done things likethat in your life to improve
your circle of influence aroundyou?
Speaker 3 (43:09):
So, like I said, when I was in corporate, I was being
brought into rooms to coach andto teach and to train,
especially young professionalswho were sort of coming up, and
so I got really used to being,you know, that go-to person.
But I'll tell you, corporate, itwill humble you, right.
And so I frequently in my dayjob, found myself in rooms where
(43:29):
I had no idea what I was doing.
I'd have leaders say, hey, I'dlove for you to come and join my
team.
And I'm like, well, I don'tknow anything about that.
And they're like, we'll figureit out together.
So each time I changed roleswhich was maybe every two years,
slightly less every time Ichanged roles, I found myself in
a room where I had no idea whatI was doing.
So I got comfortable withchange and with learning spaces,
you know, really early I alsohad just really incredible
(43:56):
mentors who would tell me you'regetting this absolutely wrong.
And how powerful that is.
Right, naima, this isabsolutely not what we need here
.
Right, like, okay, right, helpme understand, right.
And so getting that kind offeedback, having people not just
(44:17):
say you know you're failing,but like this isn't what we need
, rethink it, this is thedesired outcome, help us get to
that and giving me a chance totry again to iterate until we
got to the space where we weredesigning what we really needed
to design.
Um, what I learned from thoseexperiences was that I get so
much from being in the room withpeople who have more experience
(44:41):
than me and who know more thanme, and in my corporate world it
was really easy to cultivatethat.
I had leaders that I respected.
Every time I was looking for atransformation, a new
opportunity, I would go on aroadshow of you know meetings
and teas and coffees with themso that I could ask for guidance
, I could ask for their feedback, I could ask for introductions,
(45:02):
and that was a powerful, youknow, tool for me to be able to
kind of move through mycorporate career.
When I stepped out on my own, Ivery quickly realized that most
of my conversations with myfriends and my colleagues were
about the struggles of workingwithin the confines of a
corporation, and while I couldadd value in those conversations
(45:26):
, they no longer added value forme because I wasn't in that
space anymore.
So I have had this amazingnetwork where people have
introduced me to otherconsultants.
I have three or four consultingnetworks that I've joined that
have monthly calls where we talkabout our challenges, we share
(45:52):
our experiences, differentcommunities of folks, or join
communities of folks who are onthe same journey that I'm on,
either new to starting abusiness or have been running
their own business for a whileand are sort of grappling with
the challenges of being anentrepreneur, being a boss,
those kinds of things.
And so now you know, mycommunity today is completely
(46:13):
different than what it was twoyears ago, because these are
folks who share the challengesthat I'm experiencing, who are
asking some of the samequestions and some folks have
been entrepreneurs for 18 yearsand others have been
entrepreneurs for 18 months andsometimes I can offer insight
not a lot.
Most of the time they'reoffering insight and I'm
(46:35):
absorbing.
But you know, I told my son atone point I'm like I never again
want to be the smartest personin the room.
I'm really intentional aboutsurrounding myself with people
who inspire me and help me togrow, to be the next best
version of myself, and it's beenreally incredible because I see
(46:59):
myself growing.
I see myself changing right,like Tanya two years ago, if
you'd asked me if I was going tostart a business, I would have
unequivocally said no,absolutely not.
I have no interest in being abusiness owner.
And now I'm thriving, I'msitting in so much joy, and all
of my work, all of my effortsare around helping people to
(47:21):
elevate their lives, and I don'thave to do anything else.
Right, that's it, that's it.
Speaker 2 (47:30):
Yeah, and I love that .
That's it.
You know you can do what youwant and that can be it.
You don't always have to bedoing it all and there will be
great opportunities for peoplethat continuously show up.
You know, the strength is beingable to say no to the things
that aren't going to bring youjoy, that aren't going to
(47:53):
elevate your life.
Just because you can doesn'tmean you should, is one of my
favorite things to say, becausemany of us doers will say but I
could and you'll figure out away to rearrange your life so
that you can try to do somethingelse, because we think we gotta
be constantly moving and goingyeah, so well, the no and the
(48:14):
redirect is a really great wayto give somebody else an
opportunity, right, you ask meto do something and I absolutely
like.
Speaker 3 (48:20):
I met a woman yesterday and she's just like I
would love to partner with you,and here's what I'm thinking
about.
And as she described herbusiness model, I was just like
oh, I have a person wholiterally shares your vision and
your purpose and who's buildinga nonprofit to do this work.
You two should be partners forlife.
So I'm not going to take thison.
I'm going to say no.
(48:41):
And here's a person that youcan build a relationship with
and can you can do these thingstogether, right?
So my no doesn't have to be ashutdown.
It can be an opportunitycreation for somebody in my
world who would love thatopportunity that I don't want
any part of.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
Oh, I love that so much.
What a great, great way ofthinking of that.
It's so great.
I remember a story from DeanGraziosi and he was talking
about how his dad, the firsttime his dad came to like a big
house that he had bought like abig, his first big home, and he
had some a landscaper theremowing the lawn and his dad was
(49:22):
very blue collar they grew upvery poor was like why would you
pay another man to do what isyour responsibility?
And his big thing with that wasI'm giving this man the
opportunity that I was given tobe able to have that, you know,
and I, for a long time I waslike that too.
I was like trying to run abusiness, I got five kids here,
(49:43):
I got all this stuff and I waslike I'm gonna hire something.
Somebody had said to me youneed to hire a house cleaner to
come to your house at least.
Then you would have to do that.
And I was like like, yeah,responsibility, my job, it's my
job.
How I define myself as a woman.
Yes, oh, my gosh.
As we record this podcast, I'mlike can somebody hear the
vacuum out here?
(50:04):
Because when I leave thispodcast studio, my house is
going to be gorgeous thismorning, and I always have them
come on Fridays because then Idon't spend the entire weekend.
I could be spending with myfamily cleaning my house, and
you know what?
It's a small operation.
I know the person that ownsthis company.
It is helping her build herdream while I'm in here building
(50:27):
mine.
And if we have more of thatmentality, instead of thinking,
oh, we have to do this, we gotto do this, we got to do
everything Like, how much moreopportunity are we creating for
people out there to live theirdreams?
You know we hold too tightly tothings.
It's the old sand adage.
You know everything just slipsaway.
But if you can, you know,invite people to the table and
(50:49):
you can delegate someresponsibility and employ people
to be able to help you to keepyour own mind and sanity.
It can be a very beautiful lifebeing an entrepreneur,
absolutely, absolutely so, sogood.
Well, naeemah, if someone wantsto reach out to you and connect
with you, they want to learnmore about you, what you do with
(51:10):
your coaching programs.
Where's the best place for themto find and support you?
Speaker 3 (51:14):
Absolutely, thank you .
The best place to find me is onLinkedIn, so you can find me if
you've so folks I'm looking for.
If you are working in acorporate space and you feel
like there's value in bringingsomeone in to do some public
speaking coaching or somemanager coaching, I can play
there.
If you are interested in lifecoaching, career coaching, those
kinds of things, that's anotherspace that I play.
(51:37):
You can find me on LinkedIn,naima Elias, and so come, follow
me, sign up for a freeconsultation.
I'm happy to talk with you for20 minutes and just kind of help
think about like what do youneed, like what helps you to
elevate and step into that nextstep, and I would love to play.
So reach out and let's connectand continue to build this
amazing community.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
Awesome, awesome, and I will definitely link
everything that you just talkedabout in the show notes to
definitely collect or connectwith Naima.
This has been such anincredible conversation.
You are like just the, thecomplete definition and epitome
of what a lady's kicking a ladykicking ass is to me and it's
(52:20):
observation of things.
It really is, you know, goingout and taking a risk and
building a business and doingreally cool things.
But I always love to hear fromeveryone that is a guest on the
podcast how they relate to thatphrase.
So when you hear the phraseladies kicking ass Naima, what
does that mean to you and yourwomen?
Speaker 3 (52:40):
So I think it's a couple of things One, showing up
at your best, but then two,recognizing that your best
doesn't require perfection,right?
So, being the best you that youcan be and activating your
community, asking for help andgiving help, so that you are
radiating your best self intothe community around you.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
So good oh my gosh, so good.
This was such an incredibleconversation.
I feel like I met my twin todayin spirit and the way that we
handle our lives.
So thank you so much forsharing your time with us today
and I look forward to continuingto connect with you.
Speaker 3 (53:23):
Absolutely Tanya.
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (53:30):
Thanks for being part of the ladies kick and ask
community Cheers to all youbadass women out there.
Keep rocking your power,igniting your fire and making
waves in the service industry.
If you loved today's episode,please do me a quick favor.
Take a screenshot, post it andtag us at Ladies Kicking Ass.
Be sure to include the link toyour favorite episode.
(53:50):
Your support in spreading theword means the world to us as we
aim to empower even more women.
Hit that subscribe button tostay tuned for more kick-ass
episodes.
And don't forget a five-starreview is the ultimate high five
.
Connect with us on social media.
All the links are in the shownotes.
Thank you for being part of ourtribe.
Now go kick some serious ass,lady.
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