#135 - The Rocks in Our Backpack: Navigating Emotional Challenges with Jennifer Thom

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After experiencing the unimaginable on a fateful Christmas Day, Jennifer Thom's journey from Kenya to Alberta led her on a profound path through the world of grief and healing. She shares her inspiring story, illustrating how navigating personal loss can ignite a passion for helping others. Jennifer opens up about her transformation from a troubled adolescence to becoming a funeral director, revealing how her work and her husband have brought purpose and fulfillment. Together, they have turned grief into a compassionate mission, showing that empathy and community can build the resilience to face life's toughest challenges.

Throughout our conversation, Jennifer and I explore the weight of emotional burdens and the importance of unpacking them to lead a more meaningful life. We liken these burdens to "rocks in a backpack," which can be unknowingly added by the words and actions of others. By addressing these emotional weights, whether from loss or day-to-day life, we can learn to travel light, focusing on what truly matters. We delve into the transformative nature of grief, discussing how personal healing can begin with small steps like writing letters of forgiveness or simply acknowledging the need to let go.

As we reflect on personal perspectives and societal shifts, we emphasize the celebration of life and the importance of living without regrets. Jennifer shares poignant anecdotes about coping with loss differently than her husband, reminding us of the need to respect individual grieving processes. Our discussion highlights the beauty of cherishing relationships and living intentionally, embracing each day with love and gratitude. By the episode's end, we raise a toast to the powerful community of women in the service industry, encouraging them to embrace their strength and continue making a significant impact in the world.

Takeaways

• We all experience more than 40 losses in our lives.
• Grief is not just about losing a loved one; it encompasses many forms of loss.
• Everyone collects "rocks in their backpack" - learn how & why!
• Unpacking our emotional burdens is essential for healing.
• Living intentionally can help us appreciate life more fully.
• We grieve differently, and that's okay.
• Community support is crucial during times of grief.

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help you ignite your innerbadass and create the service
business of your dreams.
I'm your host, Tanya Wilson,and together we'll dive into
inspiring stories and expertcoaching to set your journey on
fire hey, badasses, welcome backto the podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
Today is gonna be a doozy.
I'm like grinning from ear toear because I can see her
beautiful face on the screen andI just literally just fell in
love with this woman when I mether.
Um, our guest today is someonethat I have met through our
ultra mastermind group thatwe're a part of with Brenda
Burchard, and just what anincredible story this woman has,
and I cannot wait for her toshare it with you today.

(00:54):
My guest today on the podcastis Jennifer Tom, and she is a
funeral director based out ofAlberta, canada, which we've
never had someone like that onhere before.
But service is service, and sowe're going to dive into what
that looks like today, howJennifer actually got into this
industry and why she continuesto do this, as really it's got

(01:17):
to be a massive labor of love tobe that person for people in
such a vulnerable you know,crazy time in their lives.
So, jennifer, thank you so muchfor being on the podcast.
I cannot wait for you to shareyour story.
So why don't you give us alittle bit of your background,
why you got into this and whyyou continue to be a funeral
director?
Why do you love it so much?

Speaker 3 (01:38):
Oh, tanya, thank you for the intro.
First of all, I'm gonna sayladies kicking ass.
I just love the title already.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
Well, you are one, yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:49):
I am just so humbled that you invited me to share my
story and just share life withLadies Kicking Ass, I think the
name.
I just love it so much.
So again, I'm in Canada, I wasborn in Kenya and I'm going to
tell you a fun fact about mewhen I get excited, I start
speaking my mother tonguebecause English is like my

(02:12):
fourth language.
So I will try to slow it down,okay, tanya.

Speaker 2 (02:18):
You're going to teach us lots of things too.

Speaker 3 (02:22):
Yeah, so if I get excited and start speaking,
swahiliahili, give me some likejust tell me to tone it down
every woman's favorite word toneit down right right.
So yes, again, I'm a funeraldirector.
I love working with familiesthat are going through grief and

(02:44):
I would like to start by saying, all of us, we're going to
experience more than 40 lossesin our lives.
So when I talk about grief orthe work I do, it's just not the
loss of a lab drug.
I will share some part of that,but, as I tell my story just
relate to any loss.

(03:04):
Part of that, but, as I tell mystory, just relate to any loss.
And when I say we'll experiencemore than 40 losses in our
lives, I'm talking about loss offriendship, loss of trust, loss
of health, divorce, change,moving.
All these are losses that bringus to grief.
So this is my heart, soul,passion to talk about grief.

(03:25):
And I know we all don't like it.
It's not kicking ass, you know.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
It is, though that is such a kick-ass thing to be
able to one love to talk aboutthat, Because it's one of those
things where it's so easy.
As human beings, we like tolike blow up everything that's
great and grandeur in our livesand all these celebrations, but
there's a lot of like tough shitthat happens too, and it's the
stuff that we don't want to talkabout and we kind of bury it

(03:52):
down, and I think sometimes thatcan be grief.
I know I've definitely wentthrough stuff that you may bury
that down for a long time, butman does it reappear somewhere
along the line.
So I think it's wonderful whatyou're doing.

Speaker 3 (04:05):
It does, it does.
And, tanya, I'm just glad youmentioned that Because I always
say, given Inali's illustration,it's like a back.
We're all born with an emptyback.
Okay, and it's light, and youknow, and as you do, life and
life events happen.
Something happens, a life eventhappens, and it's like a rock,

(04:28):
you put it in the backpack.
So, for example, when you're achild and somebody bullies you,
you don't talk about it, you putit in the backpack.
And as you grow, something elsehappens.
You put it in the backpack.
And we get to our age, likeladies kicking us age group, and
our backpack gets so heavybecause we've had life, we've

(04:49):
experienced things and guesswhat?
All that is grief.
And if we don't know how tounpack that backpack, that's
when one thing happens and yousee, we take it out of work,
like we lose it.
And I'm talking from myexperience.
I never thought I would throw aglass on the like, a drinking
water glass, like throw it onthe window, like I want to smash

(05:11):
it, you know, but it's becausemy backpack was getting so full.
So, as we share, let's startthinking about how do we unpack
our backpacks, as that lady'skicking ass today, right?
So yeah, again.
I'll just go back.
Uh, I was born in kenya and itwas on a christmas day and, uh,
our family had gathered andwe're all having such a

(05:33):
beautiful time I mean, it'schristmas, okay, and people from
kenya I mean all most peoplelike to have a good time, but we
are a little extreme.
Like we party, we sing, wedon't even care how we sound,
we're going to just party andthat's what was happening.
It was family sharing memoriesand at the end of the party,
some of my family members weretraveling home and there was a

(05:57):
very tragic accident and we losta few family members on that
accident.
And I have to tell you, friends, my life, our lives, have never
been the same, and I'll tellyou why.
When there's such a big tragedyin the family it's Christmas
there's a lot of, of course, thepain is so much to even express

(06:18):
it but there's a lot of anger,there's a lot of division,
there's a lot of blame, there'sa lot of all the things we know
that families can go through.
Now that I know what, now,after my studies and research
and all that that I've studiedabout grief, I know exactly what
was happening.
Okay, and some of my familymembers.

(06:41):
They don't talk to each otherbecause of that accident.
So it divided us.
Some of my family members, theydon't talk to each other
because of that accident.
So it divided us.
And from there I startedthinking, oh my goodness, how
can a family that was justcelebrating, having a deep
conversation, be so divided andhate each other so much?
And I feel, because of thatthere was something that
happened in my brain.

(07:01):
I started thinking there has tobe a better way to deal with
the loss.
You know just little questions.
But it didn't matter.
So life went on.
We blamed each other, we didn'tlike each other.
This was an accident that wedidn't want to talk about, and
the reason we didn't want totalk about it it was so painful
to talk about.

(07:22):
So we all moved on with life.
You know, remember the backpack?
So that was a big rock that Iput in my backpack, couldn't
talk about it.
It's all good, let's go.
So life continued and shortlyafter my dad died suddenly he
had a stroke and I.
So I wonder now, maybe he didnot know how to deal with it or

(07:46):
there was something?
I don't know the answers.
He just died suddenly and letme tell you that was another
rock that ran through my backbook and I was like what is this
?
And it wasn't a long duration,it was just a short duration
where we lose family members,and now my dad.
Where we lose family membersand then now my dad, and uh and

(08:10):
uh.
The saddest part is that I didnot make it to my dad's funeral,
and I'm gonna tell you up totoday as it still bothers me,
but it has something to do withculture and how they handle it,
and so another backpack didn'ttalk about it, don't tell anyone
.
We continued the life and atthis time I'm in my mid-teens,
like I'm a teenager, like maybe1920, 19 there and uh, I thought

(08:34):
I was a really bad, I thought Iwas a good teenager, but I
started doing things that werenot very good.
Yeah, and now that I know why,I just started acting up like
throwing glasses, getting so mad, just drinking a little too
much, like I just did.
And then, all of a sudden, Iwanted to escape from all this
pain and angry people anddivision and all the things.

(08:58):
So I started making a plan orhow to escape to just leave the
pain.
The pain was so much that Icouldn't deal with it.
I did not know how to deal, Idid not have the resources.
I just wanted to escape.
Fast forward, because we don'thave five hours here on Ladies
Kicking Us.
I'll just say it forward.

(09:18):
I met a boyfriend and we made aplan.
I shared my story and it's likewe would watch all the
Hollywood movies.
We were like, let's escape toHollywood.
I'm like, oh, you know wherethey make the movies Beautiful,
guess what?
We made a plan Before you leavethe country, I had to get a

(09:38):
visa.
We go to the visa office.
They give him permission to go.
They tell me you have to wait,you don't need to go right now.
There was another rock, likeI'm not kidding, I just felt
like I'm somebody else, had died, because now he's gonna go and
leave me behind and we areseparated and he was like my
anchor.
So my backpack kept gettingheavier as we.

(10:02):
I did life.
So he went to the States andthen he said you know, come
visit Canada.
I thought it was close by longstories.
Fast forward.
I did end up in Canada to comego to school with an intention
to just meet up.
And I came to Canada and wewere excited.

(10:23):
By this time time, friends,we're talking like we are
married because, like, life hashappened and now we're like my
wife.
I'm like, okay, so I did what Ineeded to do and it was time
for me to go see him, becausenow I've got all my things
together and that's why I toldyou I need my nose will start

(10:44):
running, even though just likethat.
And when I was about to go meetwith him and do life together,
his friend called me and he saidPhil was in a car accident.

(11:05):
And I said, okay, let mebacktrack.
Let me backtrack a little bit,just wait.
Oh man, it's okay, I'll getthrough this.
I've told this story 101 times.
It's never easy.
It's still in my backpack.
I'm like this rock has nevergotten out, for sure, anyway.

(11:28):
So we are planning to gettogether and we are excited and
it's time to go see him.
And because of the trauma fromthe accident, I said please,
whatever you do, do not drinkand drive.
He goes oh no, i'm'm just gonnago party.
You come in, he goes to theparty and he drives home.
And that night I get a callfrom his friend that he was in a

(11:51):
car accident and he said whichhospital?
And he said he died on the spotand tanya.
This was the biggest rock in myback, this.
I became suicidal.
I did not see how I could live,like my life that's it.

(12:12):
I thought it's over, like thereis no way.
And so I believe that was myturning point when I decided I
am not meant to live in Canada,I'm not going to Hollywood, I'm
going to go back to Kenya.
And going back to Kenya meant Istarted thinking I need to go

(12:36):
help, I need to do something.
And I believe at that time,because I was grieving and it
was a lot I decided I need tofigure out how to help people
who have gone through loss,grief, like tragic things in
their lives, and I need to walkbeside them if I survive this.

(12:59):
And that's when I found auniversity in Canada and they do
funeral directing and embalming, and I applied and he said
that's it, I'm going to study,I'm going to figure this out and
I'm going back home to help.
And so I did this program.
I never thought I would make itLike really.
I thought I thought there's nolike really.

(13:20):
If you knew where I came from,we all were superstitious about
death and I'm one of them, so Inever thought I would make it.
But let me tell you it was amiracle.
I mean, I think my why was sobig.
I didn't even care what Ineeded to do.
I needed to do it.
All the fear, the doubt, tanya,I was like I'm doing it Okay,

(13:41):
so I finished and fast forward.
I guess I loved it so much andI loved what I was doing.
I loved working with familiesand kind of loved it so much so
that I married a funeraldirector talk about kind of a

(14:02):
full circle, huh yes, I marrieda funeral director and I'll tell
you where I married him.
I told him this the way I'veshared with ladies kicking ass
here.
I told him the whole story andI said I'm going to kenya to
help people who are grieving,and he's a funeral director, and
he said I'll come with you.
I'm like, oh, like someone hasa heart like I do.

Speaker 2 (14:27):
Yes, oh, that's beautiful.

Speaker 3 (14:32):
So we got married and fast forward again.
We got married, we have twokids and 20 years later, we both
decided to start a funeral homeand our mission is to work with
people who are grieving, helpfamilies when they lose a loved

(14:53):
one.
And it's been great.
I love the experience, I loveeverything, I love the funeral,
I love everything that I do.
But I'm going to tell yousomething, as I've been doing
this work for two decades like20 years I sit back and I watch
people after the funeral and Iwatch people who've lost their

(15:16):
loved one, I watch mothers whohave lost a child and we do
beautiful work and I watch themgo home and, tanya, I always
think who is helping them whenthey go to sleep?
Because, I'm telling you, griefdoesn't start when you're
surrounded by everybody.
Grief starts when you're aloneand the lights are out, and

(15:39):
that's when it hits oh, my dadis no longer there.
Oh, my cousin that I love somuch died.
Oh, my fiance.
I wonder how life would be.
We start questioning this whenyou're right, and so this has
been something hard thinking,and so, after so many, so much
time of thinking and goingthrough it, I decided enough is

(16:01):
enough.
I need to do something about it.
And that's what, like youladies kicking ass, I'm sure you
know.
You know like something happensand it's, it's in your belly.
It's like a calling and we tryto avoid it, but it's still
there and one day you say enoughis enough.
I'm gonna do it.
And guess what I did?
I wrote a book what flowers areinternet and I shared this

(16:25):
story, but it has so manyjournaling pages where I share
my thoughts and families canshare their thoughts and when
they're alone, and this is wherewe started Stronger Life
Connections and this is allgrief resources.
So I'm on this mission tocreate grief resources for
families who are, because I knowI was there, tang, I was there

(16:49):
when my fiancé died and I have afriend who came and said oh,
you're young, you'll get anotherboyfriend.
I'm like, oh my gosh right likepeople will say things, thinking
they're helping but doesn'thelp.
So this book talks about thingsto say, things not to say
you're teaching everybody right.
So that's my story and that'swhy we are here.

(17:11):
So we have the funeral, we havethe grief resources and we
continue to find ways andmodalities to help families and
as they learn, is that then yourealize it's not just loss of a
lab done.
We grieve from all the 40losses.
So what we do with it.
That is why we're here, tocreate all the tools.

(17:32):
I think we all need a toolbox,uh, that if a life event, one of
the life events that I justmentioned, happens, you can go
back in the toolbox, use it,remove the rock from your
backpack so that you, if anotherevent happens, you're grieving
in the present.
Because what happens ourbackpack when it's so heavy?

(17:54):
We grieve in those things thathappened.
But if we have our toolbox now,we can be in the present and
deal with the present.
I don't know, tanya, if you'vemet um, if you've seen friends
or family like you meet them.
And I'm not saying every lossis unique, but sometimes it's
something that Someone justDrove slowly or did something

(18:21):
and someone just loses it.
You know it has nothing to doWith how you drove.
The backpack is full andthey're just like.

Speaker 2 (18:31):
That's it.
It's like a kettle.
I think we owe it to ourselvesto really stop after this
podcast, after the podcast, notnow, but stop after this podcast
and examine your backpack.
Is it heavy, like?
Are you at that point whereyou're just like stuffing shit

(18:52):
together, trying to get thezipper to hold it together
because sooner or later thatthing is gonna pop?
And I've been there plenty oftimes because you're like not a
big deal, not a big deal.
And many I see that many highachievers, which are a lot of
people that listen to thispodcast, a lot of the group that
we're associated with, theyjust stuff it down and stuff it

(19:14):
down.
I'm okay, I, I'm good, I'm this, I'm that.
You know, I was just having aconversation with my husband
this morning.
We had a big event last nightand it was a really great awards
event.
It was this really big, amazing, beautiful event and he's like
it was so great, I'm so proud ofit.
You know, like all theaccolades, like I should be on
cloud nine, but when I got home,like I am just at that point of

(19:38):
like I it's beautiful whileyou're there, but you need to
like come home and just likedecompression mode, where a lot
of people, like my husband, youknow, jake like he's very just
like we should keep partyingforever, you know, and like for
me I'm like there's the high ofhighs but then it goes to a
really low of lows, because Iknow that there's stuff in there
, like sometimes you get insideof that backpack and you're like

(19:59):
, but what about this?
But what about this?
And all those rocks that are inthere start piling on top of
you to the point that you can'teven celebrate the things that
you're supposed to be doing.
Many of those traumas or thoselosses, if you will just
reappear at the craziest times,and it's not even necessarily
the death of someone, it's thedeath of a relationship, it's

(20:21):
the death of a friendship, it's,you know, the death of this job
position that you had.
Or, you know, even as we'rechanging and we have older kids,
you know, it's like you'rehaving to take a new identity as
their mother, because you don'thave to be there taking care of
them physically all the time.
So I think we really have tostop and look at it.

(20:42):
Look in the backpack, don't bescared of what's in there,
because we need to be able tofigure out how to take some of
those rocks out.
I love that analogy.
Oh my gosh, that is so good.
As you're talking through thiswhole thing, I'm yep, that
rock's still in there.

(21:02):
Yep, that one is.
And even when you're like I'vebeen to counseling, I've figured
this out you have tocontinuously keep going into
that toolbox.
I love what you said about that, because maybe you're looking
at it and you're like I don'thave anything in my backpack.
That doesn't mean that you won'tyes tiny you nailed it so so
good, that is a whole new.
I just like epiphany.

(21:24):
Of course, I knew thisconversation was going to be
stellar today, but I was justlike, oh my gosh, there is a lot
of grief.
You know, that happens withthings.

Speaker 3 (21:33):
That isn't just death yeah, yeah, and I love the way
we just shared here that youknow, as you like, you unload
the backpack so that you walklight, because and I don't like
to say at least, however, I sayit because if it's not now, it's

(21:54):
coming, it is late we're goingto be hit by 40 losses in our
lifetime.
So if you're at number five, 35more is coming.
Just say it.
And how beautiful would it be.
When we are prepared, so thatwe are in the present, we are in
the present, we'll breathe inthe present and knowing that we

(22:15):
are all unique and we deal withthings, uh, differently.
I mean even covid, like that isbig and no wonder the mental
health was up, like, yeah, youdo not know what to do, it's a
loss.
Like you had a job, now youhave to stay home.
Now all the things, all changes.
But did we put those rocks inour backpack and we are carrying

(22:38):
them around, or are we walkinglight?
And I love, I love, I love.
I have this analogy, tanya, andit's something I'm practicing.
I promise you, ladies, Ihaven't mastered this, I'm still
working on it, just like all ofus.
Right, and I said I love totravel and I do travel light.

(23:01):
I love traveling light and Iwant it to to be my reminder
that I don't need a heavybackpack.
I just need to travel lightbecause I can deal with and I'm
gonna say it on this podcast andmy friend is going to kick me.
I did not ask her permissionand I will not mention her name,
but I have a friend that Istruggle with, or other friends

(23:23):
who like to carry big suitcasesand I have seen them
continuously.
We get to where we are goingand they have like 10 outfits to
decide and then it's not evenanxiety, but there is something
like it's a it's heavy to decidewhat to wear and wear and this

(23:44):
doesn't feel good and you tryanother and I thought, oh my
goodness, I only brought one, soI have no choice.
I have to wear it so I'm ableto enjoy my one outfit and not
have this energy or heavinessaround me because I'm going
light.
And this is actually.
I didn't plan to share this,but this is my own mental being

(24:06):
about my backpack.
I want to travel light.
I don't want, you know, life istoo much, there's a lot in life
.
What if I just travel light?
Life is too much, there's a lotin life.
What is this trouble like?
And my lightness is even totake just my little hand luggage
.
I don't need many decisions tomake.
And then I'm there, present,enjoying my friends, without

(24:28):
thinking oh, this outfit, Ishould have worn the other one.
Oh, my shoes, right, like allthe things.
And then you miss out on yourone-on-one relationships with
others because of a stupidsuitcase.

Speaker 2 (24:39):
Yes, it is such a great analogy.
I'm sitting here thinking I'mlike it has been like.
I walk into my office somemornings and I look like the
crazy bag lady, total crazy baglady.
I got shit on both arms andeverybody's always like do you
want me to help you with that?
No, of course not, because Ican do it myself.

(25:01):
You know, I'm thinking likeeven just the analogy that
you're talking about with, likepacking light.
I'm like I need a smallerbackpack.
I need to stop carrying allthis stuff like it really truly
is.
Like I'm trying to do 15 thingsat once, which is why I have so
many damn bags.
But if you focus on that onething and leave the other stuff

(25:22):
behind, how beautiful can thatone thing be For me?

Speaker 3 (25:26):
Yeah, yeah, wow, yeah , thank you.
So we relate back to beinsightful With the back Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (25:45):
Wow, I love it.
I.
I want to ask you a questionbecause when I was so excited
for this podcast and I'm tellingeverybody I'm like you're gonna
love jen, she's so cool.
Like this is what she does andeverybody's like she does what.
Why does she do that?
Like people would look at thatlike that would be like the
worst job ever.
Like isn't she sad all the time?
Or you know things like that, Iget it.

(26:07):
I'm also in an industry wherepeople are like, ooh, why do you
do that?
You know what do you say topeople when they say that to you
.
I'm sure people say, kind of,give you that cringy look when
you say I'm a funeral director,I own a funeral home, or hey,
jake, you should start acrematory.
And he's like you know there'ssomething to this.

(26:28):
And I'm like why would you wantto do that?
Now I'm like having aconversation with you.
I'm like what a like that's toplevel service that you can't
give in other kinds ofindustries.
So how do you, how do you havethat conversation with people
when they're that kind of snubat what you do for an occupation
?

Speaker 3 (26:48):
Yeah, I love, I love, I love it because I hear it all
the time, tanya, and this iswhat I share a lot and this is
true personal story my job hasactually helped me in my own
living in this world, because ofwhat I see I see different
events it has made me like,seriously, I wake up in the

(27:12):
morning I say thank you, I don'ttake anything for granted, not
a single thing.
And again, I'm not perfect, I'mnot a master, I haven't
mastered anything, but it is areminder, constant reminder, for
me to be thankful every day,because this life is a gift,
this life is a gift and it's soshort.

(27:33):
So my job, it's like a reminder, right there.
Life is like this, you remember, in my life, yeah, it goes so
fast.
So guess what?
First of all, I don't takenothing for granted.
I embrace everything.
Oh my gosh, I wish I could justdescribe it.

(27:55):
I'm about to speak Swahili.
It's like I suck the juice outof life.
Yes, Right.

Speaker 2 (28:03):
What a beautiful world if more people would wake
up with that kind of attitude.
Though we live in a world whereit's like I'll do it tomorrow,
I'll do it tomorrow, and you'reover here sucking everything
possible out of your day becauseyou don't know if you have
tomorrow, and you see that morethan most of us do.
So what have you like justcould be so cool.

Speaker 3 (28:29):
Yeah, and I have a challenge for all the ladies
kicking ass here.
I always have this analogy inmy head.
I say, if this was my last dayand I'm on my deathbed, what
would be my regret?
And when you ask this question,just be honest with yourself.

(28:49):
You know, even with grief, thebest thing to do is to be honest
with yourself, honest isn't?
I mean you can't lie toyourself, right?
So that question what would beyour biggest regret?
And the sad part is that I haveseen I've sat with people at
the end of their lives andpeople have different lists and
stuff.

(29:09):
My mission in this little giftI've been given is to have none
of that, to have no list at theend of my life.
Like really and small things,like I want to go to visit Tanya
, I will go visit Tanya if Iwant to talk to her.
Like oh, I was thinking aboutthis person.
I don't wait till tomorrow.

(29:29):
I send them a text and say, hey, thinking of you.
If my children, I need to hugthem and say I love you.
Like, whatever the list is,whatever the goodness of your
heart wants to do, do it now.
There's no tomorrow and wedon't need to complicate it.
It's just setting an intentionand then you do it and follow

(29:50):
through so that at the end oftheir life or some of us, will
have a chance to have time to,you know, to meditate or talk
about it maybe a sickness, wedon't know how it will go.
Some of us might not have thatchance, but what I'm challenging
you is to think every day, ifthis was my last day, what would

(30:12):
be my regret, and that changesthe way you live instantly.
Wow.

Speaker 2 (30:20):
So huge and it's kind of the opposite spectrum that a
lot of people are like you know, like this is my bucket list,
these are all the things I haveto do, these are all the things
you know.
But if you really think about,like living a life that you
don't have regrets, yeah it's sobeautiful wow, and the way to

(30:48):
do that.

Speaker 3 (30:49):
let's not forget, it's about just looking at the
rocks in our back part.
Just be open, open.
I'm a big advocate for therapy,even my children.
I recommend therapy because therocks some rocks are even put
there by others without knowing.
Yeah, someone might saysomething.
I don't know, tanya, if you'veexperienced, but some people,
just the way we're saying aboutthe book, what to say, not to

(31:11):
say Some people might saysomething or put a label on you
and you don't process it, butyou hear it, it hurts you a
little bit and the rock goes inyour back and you don't know how
that affects how you live lifeabsolutely, and we sometimes,
you know, rocks are put in thatbackpack like and people don't

(31:31):
even know that they did that.

Speaker 2 (31:33):
You know, I think about that as a mother with my
children.
I'm like I'm trying to do thevery best that I possibly can by
my kids and I'm trying to showthem things and I'm trying to be
the best mom that I can.
But every kid has some rocks intheir backpack from something
that happened in their childhood.
Everybody does.
But one of the beautiful thingsI think as a parent and what I

(31:59):
hope people will get from thisconversation is don't be ashamed
of what's in that backpack,because in order to get rid of
it you have to look at it andmany times you might think
there's nothing in there.
I've already dealt with that,maybe a part of it.
Know, I think, about big lifeevents that you know, even if it

(32:20):
wasn't a death, that kind ofhad chunks to it.
You know, like I went through areally, really awful divorce
and then my ex-husband ended upleaving Like we haven't heard a
word from him for my son's 11now years.
I don't know where he is, Idon't know what is going on and
although I feel like I'veprocessed that divorce and I'm

(32:43):
happily remarried now to awonderful man, there's still
that like rock of abandonment,that rock of like.
You know what I?
What do I say to my kids?
Have I said the right things tomy kids?
Because a lot of times too, weend up carrying rocks in our
backpack that aren't our rocksto be carrying.
I've tried to be the best mom Ican to my kids, but I can't

(33:08):
carry his rocks in my backpackfor what he chose not to do or
chose to do.
And I think a lot of times,especially women, we will carry
other people's rocks to helpthem feel better, but it's not
our job to do that, and I thinkthat's why the challenge of

(33:31):
looking in your backpack to seewhat you're carrying, because
even if you don't have a lot inthere, if you are a people
pleaser or you're that caregiveror you want to shelter or help
people, oftentimes you'recarrying stuff that's not even
yours.
It affects you, it does, and Ithink those ones are even maybe

(33:53):
heavier rocks, because you can'tfix them, you don't know what
to do with them and they justfeel like they are stuck in
there and you can't get them out.
But how do you?
How do you set them down and beokay with that?
You know, and I'm sure, thatthere's things that you go
through with your you know, withthe grief, counseling and the

(34:17):
connections that you guys have,how do you tell people that are
maybe going through things likethat that they're grieving, that
really they can't do anythingabout it?
How are you just okay with whatit was?
Maybe you don't get to beingokay, you know, and maybe you
have to accept that it just iswhat it is.

(34:39):
Is there steps for people thatreally struggle with stuff like
that?

Speaker 3 (34:44):
Yeah, that's a good good.
That's our whole program, tanya.
That's our whole program.
It's called Transforming yourGrief to Growth and that's what
we're working on.
That's the program and I'mtelling you it's a step by step
and I'm just going to share onetool that we use on that program

(35:05):
and it is so powerful whereit's like a chat, okay, it's
like a live chat.
We all have a chat of our life,okay, and we start with the dawn
of memory, like the memory thatyou can remember.
So, for example, I rememberwhen I was one year old, I just
remember my family having thebiggest party and there was

(35:27):
lights and everybody loved me.
They were just passing mearound.
That's the memory that I have,and so we described how was that
?
For me?
I just felt love, I saw joy, Isaw everybody together.
So I'm always having thismemory of everybody together,
right, and that's how my familylived, as I started, anyway, and
then it goes there.

(35:47):
Then what happened after that?
I was taken to a boardingschool, because where I came
from, boarding school, is kindof you get better education, all
the things, but guess what?
So, remember, my memory waslike all these people.
Then they put me on the end.
Right, they put me in thisboarding school and I was there

(36:08):
for a long time.
Like you go to school threemonths, you see your parents,
three days, one week, two weeksI can't.
Anyway, it was enough time.
So how did I feel about that?
Okay, so I felt abandoned, like, really, like you just took me
out of my home.
Now you're going to put me in aschool.
Right, in Canada they call themresidential school, I think you

(36:29):
know boarding school.
I hope your listeners will getthat image of a boarding school.
You go to school, you staythere, and then you have one
week off Okay, after that, yougo to school, you stay there,
and then you have one week offOkay, after that.
So we map out your life throughthose stages, like mine.
So, boarding school, and thenthere's a time I was sick and we
measure the intensity ofemotions that came through this

(36:53):
mapping out.
And let me tell you, by thetime we had done that process of
mapping out your life, and letme tell you, by the time we had
done that process of mapping outyour life ear, whatever you
remember you will see a patternand that's the pattern of the
rocks in your background.
And then so we go through this.
We put the intensity ofemotions how did we deal with it

(37:14):
Till then, we map it out, andthen now we use the tools who,
what do we have to let go?
Who do we have to apologize?
Who do we like?
There's a whole system aboutand that's how.
That's the toolbox I'm talkingabout.
We have two, some five tools inthe program that we use and
then so we walk people throughall these tools until you start

(37:38):
walking light with a little back.
Yeah, and it's work.
So every time an event happens,you go through this toolbox I'm
talking about and see how do Iunpack what?
How was this rock?
Like you said, if you don't seeit, you won't deal with it.
So we pull it out and talkabout it and what?
What do we need to do Sometimesin life?

(38:00):
And some people believe inforgiveness, some people don't
believe.
It doesn't matter, but we justan example, let's use
forgiveness.
Sometimes we need to forgiveourselves, yes, or forgive
others.
And how do you let it go?
So we have tools also how we dothat.
Maybe it's an apology, and hereis the biggest story.

(38:23):
You don't need to go apologizeto the person who offended you.
We have methodologies where youapologize.
You've heard about using achair or something or someone
you trust.
You write a letter.
It's a whole thing.
It's a whole thing that we walkour friends through and we've
seen like great release.

Speaker 2 (38:47):
Yeah, and that's what it is.
It is a release.
Yeah, it's a big release.

Speaker 3 (38:52):
It's like a big like.
I know.
I know for sure.
There's no day we won't have arock in our backpack.
It is life okay, but the key isit's going to be lighter, it's
going to be light, and then I'mlike I need a lighter backpack.

Speaker 2 (39:10):
Yes, we need a lighter backpack.
Oh my gosh.
Yes, oh, so good.
Because, you know, going intothis conversation, you think, oh
, we're talking about a funeralhome, we're talking about what
this looks like.
This is what I do as a job, youknow.
But just like we have been ableto have the conversation today,

(39:33):
there's so many things thatgrief encompasses and it's like
the moment, you know, I thinkabout.
Like my father-in-law had avery, very long bout with
pancreatic cancer and he had itfor almost two years and they
did it and then they had asurgery and then he was kind of

(39:53):
in remission and then it cameback with a vengeance.
And it's really interestingbecause the second that someone
learns that they have cancer, orwe learned that he had cancer,
was like it's almost like agrieving process starts then,
like this isn't what we thought.
You know, I know my husband hasbeen like, you know, I never

(40:14):
thought I'd lose my dad when hewas so young.
You know, my dad when he was soyoung, you know.
And that grieving process kindof starts.
Sometimes you're going throughthe motions with them while
they're still here, and nowthey're gone, and then there's a
whole nother grieving processafter that and sometimes people

(40:35):
I know this has kind of been athing with in our family.
Some people acknowledge likethat they're gone and they, you
know, celebrated at differentparts, like their birthday, or
still celebrating my Christmas,or you know even the anniversary
of when they passed.
Some people like just don'ttalk about it anymore.

Speaker 3 (41:03):
Do you think either one of those is a more healthy
way of dealing with that.
I love that.
That's a good question.
I actually believe and this isfrom personal experience we are
so different and we will breathevery differently.
Some people would rather notSome people this.
So the key is to respect thatwe are all different and we

(41:27):
cannot compare ourselves.
And I'm going to tell you astory.
My husband and I had a loss inour workplace, like our
colleague, and he actually tookhis own life.
And it was so devastating, likeit's somebody like I worked
with him, like we, you know.
So it was so devastating and Iwas so devastated and I'm

(41:48):
telling you, oh my god, like Ican't, like I'll just cry, I'll
see him everywhere.
And, yeah, my husband wouldmake fun and remember the jokes
he used to make and I'll get sooffended because I was thinking,
why would you be laughing whenwe've lost him?
Right?

(42:09):
And then, through this programand doing this work and trying
to learn every day, like Ilearned, oh, that's how he
processed his loss, so he died,that he grieves his own way.
I guess he has to bring humor,yeah, and I was like, let's sit
and cry and scream together.
And yeah, so what I'm saying isthat it's actually very, very

(42:30):
important for all of us to knowwe grieve different, and this is
even especially I've seen it ofit many times.
Let's say, a couple loses achild, which is so devastating
yes, I don't have the statistics, but the statistics of them
staying together like it's notgood.

(42:51):
And you know why?
Yeah, because they will grievedifferent, they will process
different, and that's where youneed like that's's.
I believe in grief counseling,grief therapy, support, because
to understand that you're twodifferent humans who are going
to process different is key.
Otherwise, you will actuallyseparate because of that loss.

Speaker 2 (43:13):
Oh, for sure, For sure, and it's crazy, sure, and
it's.
It's crazy.
Like you were using in yourexample the picture, if you will

(43:34):
, of what you think like griefin the dictionary, and the
picture everybody cries and it'sjust this big sad day.
You know, my husband and I havebeen working towards like
getting all of like new stuffdone in our wills, right, and
we're talking about like when wego.
It's not if you got to makethese plans, you know, like when
we go, these are the thingslike I don't want to have a like

(43:57):
crazy, sappy, sad funeral.
Like I want everybody to gettogether and have some beers and
hang out and build a big assbonfire and like have the
celebration of life, of what mylife was.
I don't want to be like this,this sad, you know thing like
great, I know that.

(44:18):
But let's talk about the goodthings.
I've always told my kids I'mlike if you have an open casket
funeral, I will haunt you forthe rest of your life, and not
in a good way.
I will wake up and I will closeit in front of you and you're
never going to forget it,because I'm so adamant about
like that's not how I want to goout and I think for me that has
been like seeing mygrandparents when they've passed

(44:41):
and the open casket funeral,and I was like that does not
look like my grandma at all, butbecause like seeing them like
that, just like stuck in my head, and so like the first thing
when I'd start thinking aboutstuff is like oh, like that just
wasn't a good experience for me.
So I think it's veryinteresting how people will look
at stuff.
You know some people are goingto be like, yes, I want to be in

(45:04):
full glory here, I wanteveryone to see me, I want you
to touch me when you walk by andknow that I'm gone.
You know I'm like I could beshot up in the air, like I
really don't care.
You know, like I want to have aparty.

(45:26):
But we have to celebrate andmany people, especially I think,
when religion kind of comesinto things and culture things
comes in, it's like how darethey do that?
Like how disrespectful.
But I'm interested to learnlike is it?
Is it more often that you seepeople kind of having like the
traditional kind of sad funeralsto send people off, having like
the traditional kind of sadfunerals to send people off, or
are you starting to see morepeople have celebrations of life

(45:46):
and have those things thatmaybe are a non-traditional way
of you know?
It's not really a celebration,but the send off.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm like I'm good withall these words.

Speaker 3 (45:57):
No, you're so good, tanya, you're doing so good.
First of all, let me just startby saying it is so beautiful
what you just said and I find,if we live intentionally and
live the life, that it's anunderstanding, that is a gift.
You're living intentional witheverything you do.
You're working life.
You want a celebration?
Ok, so I can see why you need acelebration.

(46:19):
So the challenge of all of usis to be like Tanya, like let's
live life, let's celebrate lifeso that when we're gone, we're
gone, it's not time to.
You know, yes, there's emotionsto miss us, there's emotions,
but that's not the big picturebecause we live.
So I love, love what you justsaid.
So, in today's world, what weare seeing, there's actually a

(46:41):
shift.
I feel like there's a shift inthe industry where people are
more celebrating the life.
Okay, the people are not doingthe more traditional way anymore
.
So there's a shift.
However, the more traditionalcomes when it's a sudden,
sometimes like, of course,sudden.

(47:01):
Oh yeah, kids, accidents, like,very, like this, this, this.
Then it there's more becauseeverybody has deep questions
that, if you want to know, whenpeople ask deeper questions and
they go deeper, it's like whatis the meaning of life and death
.
It's when there's a big, sudden, unexpected oh my goodness, why

(47:24):
them right?
Then people actually need thattraditional, maybe religious, to
get some hope and get somequestions answered.
That's what I've experienced.
Yeah, however, tanya, I'm notgoing to lie to you, I'm like
you.
No, no, no, no, I want peopleto like I've experienced.
Yeah, however, tanya, I'm notgoing to lie to you, I'm like
you.
No, no, no, no, I want peopleto.
I've even told my mom she livesvery far.

(47:45):
I said, mom, when I die, don'teven think that you're coming
for the funeral.
You know I will be buried Right.
And we had to agree on thatbecause I said, mom, I want to
be remembered me like the way Iam and the people that I love

(48:05):
we've talked already, they don'tneed to come see me.

Speaker 2 (48:07):
Like, don't wait until then, let's talk today.
Yeah, don't wait till I'm gone.
That's gonna be a very goodconversation.
But so many times you're like,oh, I have time or I'm thinking
about this.
I am such a huge believer inwhen somebody is on your heart
and you're thinking about people, like there's a reason for that

(48:29):
and I think, if anything,coming together in all of this,
it's like don't wait tilltomorrow to do the things that
you know you can do today.
You know, reach out to yourfriends.
Stop, read the book.
If you want to read the book.
You know like I love listeningto people that work with hospice

(48:50):
and they talk about they'resuch special people.
Oh my god, I just feel likethey're angels.
But just hearing people talkabout, like what people talk
about when they're basically ontheir deathbed, like they know,
you know, it's a terminalillness and what they talk about
Nobody talks about.
Like I should have worked more,you know, like I should have.

(49:13):
I should have bought this Ishould have.
You know, it's not aboutpossessions, it's not about
money.
This I should have, you know,it's not about possessions, it's
not about money.
It's not about working.
It's not like all these thingsthat we're achieving so much so,
but people want their family,they want their friends, they
want their animals, they wanttheir like all those things that
just make us human.

(49:35):
You know that we can robots canwork and they can do all these
things, and if we've seenanything, there's so much that
is even being taken over by AIand robots and all these things,
like you, can always bereplaced at work.
You can always be replaced inin those high achieving things.
Somebody's always achievingmore than you are, and it's
great to want more of thosethings, but don't forget about

(49:57):
the things that matter most,like reach out to those people
that you love your friends.
You know, if you feel like Idon't have any friends, I don't
have anything.
That's what this community isfor, you know.
Reach out to us.
We'd love to cheer you on.
You know.
It's just so important that youdon't wait in hopes that.
You know it's going to getbetter someday.

(50:19):
It's going to do this.
You know, what can we do todayto try to move that forward and
take that rock out of yourbackpack, you know.

Speaker 3 (50:28):
I love it.
Tanya, two points that you justsaid and I can tell time is
running.
Anyway, one thing you know whatyou're right.
So let me start by love waynedyer illustration.
He cut a pocket out of his suitto remind himself he's not
taking anything with him whenhe's gone.

(50:49):
I love that illustration so much, but okay, so what does that
mean?
That?
Just what you said we need morerelationships.
We need more like the memorieswe create with people we love,
because the things that work,yes, they're good, but those
relationships are key, okay.
However, what stops us fromhaving those relationships when

(51:11):
your backpack is so full?
It does ruin relationships,because when your backpack is so
full, you might have all thethings going well in your world,
but you're just like thepressure that even you're so
grumpy, nobody wants to bearound you and then you don't
have a nice relationship withpeople.

(51:33):
So, if we walk light, begrateful in our hearts, cut that
pocket out of our suit and knowwe will take it with us and be
open when you see people, justgreet them with love.
I love what Brendan said.
When he makes eye contact withsomeone, he says I wish you love

(51:54):
, health and something else.
But isn't that such a beautifulsaying.
Like he just loves randompeople.
I don't love random people.

Speaker 2 (52:05):
That's it.
That's the theme of the wholepodcast.
Just love random people.
Seriously Like, how many timesdo you like see people like on
the road driving People are sopissed off they're flipping
people off.
They're doing all this andhonking and freaking out and I'm
like, just wait, smile, itmakes them more upset and it's

(52:25):
so crazy that smiling can makepeople upset.
But it's just truly like whatyou said about Brendan.
When that guy looks at you, helooks like he's pulling your
soul out, but he's reallyconnecting with you.
And if you really want to makepeople feel something, look at
them, look them in the eyes, andif you really want to feel

(52:47):
something, do that to yourselfin the mirror.
I know I was listening to jamiekern lima um ed, my let was on
jamie kern lima's and she wastalking to him about that and
she said when was the last timeyou really looked yourself in
the mirror?
And he lost it, which of course, makes me lose it and I was

(53:11):
just like, oh my gosh, but ifyou really get into the
stillness of stuff and look atyourself in the mirror, if you
can't have a good relationshipwith yourself, you sure as hell
can't have good relationshipswith anybody else.
No, and that starts by lookingat all of the stuff we've been

(53:32):
talking about today.
I think so many times peoplefeel so ashamed of things.
Being ashamed of things is sucha waste of time.
It really is Like if thingshave happened and you've done
something wrong, apologize forit and move on.
But why do we have to carrythat shame with us for so long?
Sometimes we are carrying shameand it's not even shameful

(53:54):
things to anybody else.
I know that's been a problemfor me in like my current
marriage, even like things thathappened in my other marriage,
and I was just like I had stillhad those rocks carrying them
around.
I was like it was like thisshameful thing.
And now I can have thoseconversations with my husband
now and he's like why, why wouldyou feel shameful for that?
Like that's not yours, you know, but it's so interesting, like

(54:17):
really looking at therelationship with yourself first
so that you can have thosebeautiful relationships with
other people.
So I just love this.

Speaker 3 (54:30):
Next time make it three hours.
I cannot believe it's time yetlike I've had it just felt like
we just sat here and had abeautiful visit with a good cup
of tea with my friend.
Thank you so much.
Yes, this has been great.

Speaker 2 (54:44):
Oh my gosh, it is so beautiful and I knew it would be
like this and we'll just haveto have another one so we can
continue conversations.
But before you leave, because Ihave to ask everyone this
question Number one if peoplewant to connect with you online,
jennifer, where is the bestplace for them to find you?

Speaker 3 (55:04):
I love it.
The best place is Instagram andit's Jennifer Tom SLC, and
which means Stronger LifeConnections, and our website is
long.
I'll text you.
It's stronger life connections.

Speaker 2 (55:23):
I have it already, girl.
I'll just put it in the shownotes and it'll be a quick
little click of a link so thatthey can get to you.
Um, I love that so much.
So many amazing resources.
And remember this isn't just ifyou've experienced a physical
death.
This can be the loss ofanything that is going on in

(55:44):
your life, and I want to checkout the program that you were
talking about, because there'sstuff that you know we're all
dealing with, stuff I think wecan always.
These are the tools that youcan't have enough of.
I really, really feel like that, because shit just hits you in
different angles and you need tobe able to bat it all away.
But at the end of this podcast,jennifer, I always ask everybody

(56:05):
because I'm fascinated with theway people react.
When I say, hey, I have apodcast, it's called Ladies
Kicking Ass, and instantlypeople perk up.
And if they perk up, I knowthey're my people.
And when I met you at Ultra andwe were talking about it and I
said that, your eyes perked upand I was like she's one of my
people, she's one of my people.

(56:26):
So, in the interest of beingone of my dear people, when you
hear the phrase ladies kickingass.
What does that mean to you inyour life?

Speaker 3 (56:36):
Oh, my gosh, what a beautiful question.
I just love that you didn'teven prepare me for this.
This is so great.
Like I love ladies kicking ass,I just feel like powerful at
this power, this flow, thisbeauty, those three things.
I don't know why they came tome, but I feel power, flow and
beauty, and those combined isladies kicking ass for sure.

Speaker 2 (56:58):
Oh, oh well, you are all three of those things, my
sweet friend.
So thank you so much forspending your time with us today
, and until next time, ladies,keep kicking ass, yes.

Speaker 1 (57:13):
Thanks for being part of the ladies kicking ass
community.
Cheers to all you badass womenout there.
Keep rocking your power,igniting your fire and making
waves in the service industry.
If you loved today's episode,please do me a quick favor.
Take a screenshot, post it andtag us at Ladies Kickin' Ass.
Be sure to include the link toyour favorite episode.

(57:33):
Your support in spreading theword means the world to us as we
aim to empower even more women.
Hit that subscribe button tostay tuned for more kick-ass
episodes.
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