February 25, 2024 • 35 mins
In this episode we question the idea that alcohol gives us confidence?? On the contrary, we believe using alcohol can be detrimental to our confidence by putting us in a poor decision making state that contributes to a lowered self-esteem. Making the decision to say "No” to alcohol can be the first step to re-building our confidence. Trusting ourselves and having the belief "we can do this" slowly builds the self evidence and as the evidence starts to stack up we finally establish the self awareness needed to truly feel confident. It's starts with one good decision, one day at a time.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kelly (00:02):
Welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast
based on living alcohol free anda booze soaked world.
My name is Kelly Evans andtogether with my friends, Tracey
Djordjevic, and Lindsay Harik.
We share uncensored.
Unscripted real conversationsabout what our lives have been
like since we ditched alcoholand how we got here by sharing
(00:24):
our individual stories.
We'll show you that there isn'tjust one way to do this, no
matter where you are on yourjourney from sober, curious to
years in recovery and everyonein between, you are welcome
here, no judgment and a ton ofsupport.
Lindsey (00:40):
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to the LAF Lifepodcast.
Today's episode, we are going tochat about how to build
confidence without alcohol.
I know that when I first stoppeddrinking, I felt like I was how
do I even say this?
Flailing around, I didn't reallyknow how to behave, how to act
(01:02):
because I was so used toactually using a substance when
I was out and I didn't know howto behave or act without it.
And that's weird because I thinkjust be yourself, but I really
honestly didn't even know whothat was, which is probably why
I was drinking alcohol, when Iwas out, even though I really
(01:23):
enjoyed drinking alone, that wasmy thing.
But I found that when I quitdrinking for good, I was left
realizing that I actually hadreally low self confidence and
self esteem.
I don't know how you guys feltwhen you stopped drinking.
Yeah.
I was just like, I don't feelgood about myself.
(01:43):
I don't like the way that Ilook.
I hated the way I looked in themirror, in pictures.
I was horrified.
And I just didn't even reallyknow who I was, what I wanted
out of life, which way my lifewas going to go.
Yeah.
And things in my personal lifeweren't going well.
I was just starting the divorceprocess.
It felt like it was never goingto end, and I would have, if I
(02:10):
was still drinking, I would haveprobably used wine for a lot of
that.
But yeah, let's chat about it.
Let's chat about ways or thingsthat we can do to build our
confidence without alcohol.
Kelly (02:22):
I was going to say, when you said be yourself, alcohol
was just part of my identity.
So myself was the wine drinker.
I didn't know who I was either.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Confusing.
Yeah.
That's super scary.
It is a scary part of decidingto quit because yeah, I didn't
know who I was going to bewithout alcohol.
Lindsey (02:43):
I remember us talking about that.
Tracey (02:45):
I don't think so much.
I didn't know who I was.
I think it was more.
So getting back to a person thatI knew I was like, a previous
version of myself, because asyou guys know, I didn't start
out as a drinker.
I started drinking later inlife.
That was like.
A romance I had with myselfwhile I was drinking was the
(03:08):
thought of me as a non drinkerand also, having a partner when
I met Randy that didn't drink.
And I envied that about himbecause I saw him coming from a
place that I remembered myselfbeing in previously when I
didn't drink.
But I have to say that I didfind it took me a long time to
(03:30):
find my footing, especiallysocially without alcohol because
I was.
By nature growing up veryintroverted.
I only started coming out of myshell in my 20s.
And then, of course, withalcohol, that kind of
accelerated me into being a moreextroverted person.
For me, I feel like finding thebalance between being
(03:51):
introverted, but having yearsnow of experience.
Of building an extrovertedpersonality and trying to
balance the two and do itwithout alcohol.
I love that.
To rely on You need those smallwins along the way.
And I think, I know for mepersonally, that is what ended
up building my confidence is thelonger I went, the more
(04:14):
confident I felt.
Kelly (04:16):
Oh, for sure.
Yeah.
Realizing, like having theevidence and realizing that you
can do, that came up on our lastepisode, you can do everything
without alcohol.
Lindsey (04:27):
Right.
And it's better.
Kelly (04:29):
Yeah.
Cause you remember it all.
More present.
It wasn't going to be good.
Lindsey (04:33):
Yeah.
You're present.
Yeah.
You're not repeating yourself orworrying what you're going to
say if you already said it ornot.
So do you guys think that havingan issue with alcohol starts out
as a self esteem issue?
Oh, that's a good question.
I think it does.
And I think, did we touch onthis last episode or I recently
heard somebody else talkingabout this for sure.
(04:55):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kelly (04:56):
We did.
Tracey (04:57):
Yeah, and I think that the drinking just then feeds
into that, right?
I think the further you getalong into your drinking career,
the more insecure we get,because then we're in that shame
cycle too.
And all that stuff is feedinginto our insecurities,
especially if you're havingincreased anxiety, because
(05:18):
anxiety is directly related toall your fears and all your
worst beliefs.
Thoughts and feelings, right?
Especially about yourself.
Yeah, it's you really arefeeding in to those insecurities
and deteriorating yourconfidence with time.
So I was saying before we hoppedon that.
(05:39):
It's almost like we're killingour confidence when we're
drinking and as we're havingthat habit.
And as we're relying on alcoholto be social, we're actually
relying on it to be confident.
And that might be a factor inthe addiction, right?
Is that we don't think thatwe're going to have that
(06:01):
confidence without it, or wedepend on it or rely on it.
Kelly (06:05):
I heard somebody say on a podcast that, kids come home
their first time from drinking.
And the parents, the firstquestion they ask is, where did
you get it, instead of askingthe question, why did you do it?
And I really feel like If myparents had dug into it it would
(06:25):
have been uncovered that it wasa self esteem issue.
I needed it to socialize, butyeah, we look at it Oh my God,
they're drinking, they'rehanging out with the wrong
crowd, blah, blah, blah.
But nothing's focused on what'shappening on the inside.
I wish, on.
I heard that.
Like, why do you feel the needto get drunk every weekend?
My self esteem is so low.
(06:47):
Yeah.
My self esteem was so low when Iwas a kid that, yeah, that was
the only thing that made me feelconfident.
Falsely, obviously.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tracey (06:56):
It's definitely a false sense of confidence, but I can
relate in the sense that Idefinitely we've talked about
this Kel that, it's therepression.
Of yourself and your personalityI felt really repressed as a
child and I think that Alcoholeventually help me feel like I
(07:17):
could alleviate some of that.
Yes.
And come out of my shell like somany people talk about it being
a social lubricant but really,you should think about it in the
sense that if I am dependent onalcohol to be social or to feel
good, let's get down to the rootproblem.
I should be looking deeper intothat.
(07:38):
And, okay.
It's not something we thinkabout while we're drinking.
Kelly (07:42):
Yeah, and how many times we talk about the mommy wine
culture, and that is such adisempowering message that,
women can't handle all thethings they have going on in
their life.
So they need the alcohol, likethat's got to lower the self
esteem.
Lindsey (07:59):
The other thing too, hear me out, alcohol impairs
judgment, right?
So when you're drinking, you'remaking all kinds of horrible,
bad decisions and behavingbadly.
And the next day it results inembarrassment and shame.
So this is a way that alcoholactually destroys your
confidence because it makes youfeel bad about yourself because
(08:20):
when you're drinking, yourjudgment's impaired.
Which is normal when you'redrinking.
Yeah.
But then you feel like a personwho just makes bad decisions and
then you associate that withyour personality and your
behavior and it's almost likeyou need to keep drinking to
stuff that down or forget aboutthat and then you make more bad
decisions, right?
(08:41):
And I think that reallyundermines your confidence.
Absolutely.
So one of the things that Inoticed for me is that when I
decided, okay, I'm going to makegood choices here for myself,
whatever that means for you.
For me, it was, I'm not going todrink.
And when I made that decisionand stuck with it, tick,
confidence went up.
(09:02):
I didn't drink here.
I didn't need to.
I got through the event.
I was able to hold aconversation.
I remember it all.
And I made good choices.
And I didn't, lash out atanybody.
I didn't get overly emotional.
I didn't end up in the middle ofa dance floor crying.
It's a powerful thing to feelthat you have control over your
emotions, over your thoughts,your words, and your actions.
(09:25):
And I think that is a reallygreat way or something that you
can do to boost your confidenceis just make good decisions when
you are not drinking and startwith that one.
Tracey (09:34):
But I think it starts with exactly what you said,
Linds that would be like, stepnumber 1 is or the number 1
check you made the decision tostop drinking.
You were confident enough orbelieved in yourself enough to
do it.
I was listening to a clip todayfrom Robert Downey Jr.
(09:55):
who has struggled with addictionand was, in and out of rehab and
it took him quite a few attemptsto become sober.
And he said that, being sober,isn't the hard part.
He said the hardest part of itis making the decision to stop.
For sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's number one check on theconfidence list.
(10:16):
The second you make thatdecision, you're instantly
increasing your confidence.
You are.
And then by doing all thoseother little things you said,
like going to the social event,there's next check mark, right?
Then you start checking allthose confidence boxes.
Lindsey (10:31):
And they stack up.
Yes.
And as those stack, as small asthey seem, that is.
What builds and boosts yourconfidence and your self worth.
Tracey (10:41):
Going back to when you're drinking and building the
evidence.
When you're drinking, you'reactually building the evidence
against that, right?
You're building the evidence toreinforce not being confident.
Why do we keep going back to itthen?
That's what boggles my mind.
I kept drinking despite all thenegativity that I felt about
(11:02):
myself.
All the things that happenedthat decreased my confidence.
Yeah, something that I've seenout there that scares me a
little bit is, like I loveanything that's out there that's
trending or whatever withchanging your relationship with
alcohol.
But one of the things that I sawthe other day was that somebody
(11:25):
was offering a course orwhatever on moderation.
And my struggle with moderationwas like the most soul crushing
confidence.
Stomper sucking thing that Iever could have done because I
kept making promises to myself.
(11:46):
So I would say I'm, make rulesfor myself.
I'm only going to drink on theweekends or I'm only going to
drink if friends come over.
I'm only going to.
Drink, one bottle of winetonight.
I kept making these rules andtrying to make these promises to
myself because I was not happywith my relationship with
alcohol and I kept breakingthem.
(12:09):
Like every time.
I could not moderate.
I could not moderate.
And I know all of our storiesare individual, but I can't see
how somebody where I was at withmy drinking could ever.
Moderate, right?
It's exhausting.
It is so completely exhaustingthat once I quit, like that's
(12:29):
right.
What you just said about, theactor, it's the decision.
That was the hardest part tofinally say, no, no more
moderating, no more making thesefricking rules that I cannot
stick with or promises that Ican't keep for myself.
Just.
Done.
Done.
And thank God it did stick that,time six years ago.
(12:49):
I wanted to say that in yousaying that, Kel, going back to
the confidence checkbox, theother portion of that feeding
off what Lindsay said, and nowwhat you said is that checkbox
also includes the keeping thepromise to yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You were stacking the evidenceagainst yourself again, every
(13:10):
time you broke that promise toyourself, right?
Kelly (13:13):
Yeah, and I did have I've told you guys on here before, I
did have actual calendars on mywall in my bedroom.
It was for nobody else but me tosee to check off.
I didn't drink today.
I didn't drink today.
Check, check, check.
It helped me so much.
I did it for at least Fourmonths, I wanna say.
Yeah.
But yeah, I needed to get myhighlighter and check that day
(13:35):
off at the end of every day Ithought about it, every day.
Wow.
Tracey (13:39):
That's a another great example of how you reinforced
the confidence was, trackingyour progress.
And having that as a visual foryourself because it gave you a
sense of accomplishment.
yeah.
The opposite of what I was doingbefore.
So that's a good start.
What else to build confidence?
I think going back to somethingLynn's touched on the doing
(14:01):
things to help you figure outwho you are, right?
And I know you've talked aboutthis, Kel, trying different
things, exposing yourself to newthings therapy.
Yeah, digging deep, right?
Doing the therapy, doing thework, doing the internal work to
really figure out who you areand maybe deal with some of the
(14:22):
reasons why you started drinkingin the 1st place.
And I think, as you go alongthat journey, that builds
confidence as well.
Just the understanding of it.
I just felt like, how did I gethere?
I explained to somebody theother day what therapy was to me
and it was like, it was a wayfor me to understand why I was
(14:42):
doing the things that I wasdoing that were making my life
so hard.
Wow.
Yeah, that's a good point.
That is such a good point.
Oh
Lindsey (14:50):
my gosh.
I think that's what you reallyhave to figure out, though.
Why are you doing the things tomake your life hard?
And there are answers to that.
You got to be willing to look atthem.
It
Tracey (15:05):
goes back to the self sabotage thing that we were
talking about last episode whichagain is directly related to low
self esteem, right?
Yes.
Not feeling worthy, not feelinggood enough, not feeling worthy
of certain things.
Lindsey (15:21):
And then you start drinking and that just feeds
into all that.
Right.
Yeah.
I think journaling too, writingdown the type of person you want
to be, how you see yourself whenyou're clear headed because
something that really built upmy confidence was getting
(15:41):
physically active.
And I was doing that whiledrinking, we all know you do
great workouts, but if you'rejust drinking your calories.
Your body focuses on removingtoxins and poison, right?
That is what happens when youswallow alcohol.
It goes, we're not doingdigestion anymore.
(16:05):
We're not doing fat loss andmuscle building and fat burning.
We are being poisoned and ouronly goal is to eliminate it.
So that's such a hard processfor your body to do.
You keep doing that over andover again despite trying to eat
well and be physically active.
I was going backwards.
You just look at pictures of meand I looked older.
(16:27):
I was puffy.
I was overweight.
I was so unhappy.
And that is such a confidencesucker.
Yeah.
If you don't like what you seewhen you look in the mirror,
that's, yeah.
And not saying that you have togo and be some kind of a
supermodel or something that,you're not built to be, but it's
accept yourself.
Yeah.
(16:47):
There is a version of you thatis healthy.
It's different from everybody.
And you know it, when you're notyour best, right?
When I eliminated alcohol, but Ikept adding in the positive
things like trying a new gymthat I was terrified to go to
the first day at the gym where Ilive.
I was like, hey, that's it.
(17:08):
I'm I've stopped drinking.
I'm doing my at home workouts.
I feel now that my confidence.
needs a boost, and I need totake a risk, and I need to try
something different, somethingthat I'm not, that I wouldn't
normally do.
And I found that when I stoppeddrinking, I gained that kind of
bravery.
I'm going to just try somethingthat I wouldn't normally do.
(17:31):
I'm really scared.
I'm doing it by myself.
I didn't have.
And the first day there, Iliterally almost walked out
without doing the workoutbecause they get you on the
scale, but it's not just aboutwhat the weight says.
It's about your measurements.
It's about your body fatpercent.
It's about your muscle masspercent and your visceral fat.
And I was just like, how thefuck did I get here?
(17:54):
So the longer I was physicallyactive, it was like, okay, when
I wrote down things in my bookthat I kept and sometimes, you
know what the saddest thing is,you guys, I would journal while
I was drunk and oftentimes likeblackout.
My writing, it was ridiculous,but I was writing things about
(18:14):
myself.
It was really sad, like thingsthat I really wanted in my life,
things that I really wanted formyself.
And then when I go back and I'vedone this, I like read my little
journal that I have and I seethose things.
I'm like, Oh my God, like itbrings tears to my eyes.
It was like, I am that personnow, but I had to get rid of the
alcohol to do it.
I had to add in the positivethings like the working out and
(18:36):
being consistent with it goteasier.
I didn't have the, I'm hung overtoday.
I feel like shit, I'm just notgoing to work out or whatever,
and that really added to myconfidence knowing that I was
doing something healthy formyself.
I could see, not right away, Icould see physical changes, and
it's just wow, something isgoing right, finally, and it's
(18:57):
working, but you have to beconsistent with it.
I used alcohol as an excuse tolet my, the way I looked.
Go to the wayside.
And I was trying to convincemyself that it didn't matter,
but it
Kelly (19:11):
did.
Me too.
Because I had turned 40.
When it got really bad, I hadjust turned 40.
I was like, wow, this is whathappens.
Not going to look like thatanymore, yeah, it was an excuse.
Yeah.
It was an excuse.
I love the goal setting andwanting to become this future
version of yourself.
But for me, that part of.
I had to step back and acceptmyself exactly as I was in that
(19:34):
moment.
I wasn't happy with what I saw,but I had to accept it and be
like, okay, I love you likethis.
Lindsey (19:42):
When I saw those numbers at the gym, that's what
that did for me.
These are facts.
This is reality right now.
Reality check.
And it's okay.
It is okay.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's not a not a you're going tobe better when you're this.
It's you're good right now.
You quit drinking.
You're good, girl.
Like you got this.
(20:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tracey (20:03):
I think part of the exercise component after you
stop drinking is that you becomea lot more intentional with what
you're actually doing instead ofjust going through the motions
when you're drinking, or Lynnsaid, it's like the lack of
consistency because you're hungover.
You're not feeling it.
It goes back to the piece that Ispeak to a lot.
(20:24):
The fact that I know thatalcohol was killing my
motivation.
Yeah.
I was a person who never had aproblem, pushing myself being
consistent.
I was a five, six day a week gymfor a good portion of my life.
But as my drinking started toincrease.
That kind of went to the waysideand it was more so oh, yeah, I
(20:46):
can act like I'm still thisactive person and throw it in
there a couple of times a week,but there definitely really
wasn't any real consistency toit or intention.
I wasn't doing it with any realgood intention.
I think it was just for show orfluff early at that point.
Or maybe I think for me withstuff like that, I'm like my
(21:08):
drinking's not that bad.
I'm still gonna the gym.
Yeah.
Lindsey (21:10):
Oh yeah.
Oh boy.
Tracey (21:15):
Or, yeah, you know what?
I went to the gym today so I canhave that glass of wine tonight.
Yes.
Oh, man.
Yeah, the reward, right?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I would say having goals.
Or living more intentionally,those things are what helps
build the confidence to
Kelly (21:35):
having an intention.
Yeah.
Not just like flailing aroundand be like, Oh, yeah, it's
going to happen today.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Intentionally, I think just evenwaking up feeling good starting
your day.
On a positive note, not feelinghalf assed that in itself builds
confidence because it makes youfeel like you can accomplish so
(21:57):
much more and you're ready totackle your day and that in
itself is confidence.
It is.
It really is.
Yeah.
And it never gets old.
No,
Tracey (22:08):
We've said before, it's the little things, it's those
little things that compile.
Right and build the evidence andthat's where the confidence
comes from.
Kelly (22:20):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's every day, every kindof small interaction that's
building its way to.
Where we are now, where we'remuch more comfortable in our
skin and our decisions to not bedrinking, especially in social
situations.
But I can say it probably tookme a good year and a half to
(22:41):
feel fully comfortable.
Social situations where I'llcall became really not even a
thought.
Yeah I skipped a lot of eventsin the beginning, because I was
just so unsure of myself and sonervous.
So I did skip a lot of events.
And then, yeah, just slowly I'vetalked about this before, but
always having a plan I wouldalways drive.
(23:02):
So that I could leave whenever Iwanted, but those things, yeah,
I don't need to worry about anyof that anymore over time.
I know I'm not going to drink.
And I also wanted to say, Idon't know what made me think of
this, but I think I speak forall of us.
I don't think I'm better thananybody else when I'm at an
event and people are drinking.
I really don't.
I feel like I have a superpowerthat I don't have to drink
(23:24):
anymore, but I definitely don'tfeel like I'm better than
anybody else.
I wanted to say that.
That's a confidence thing toobecause I do remember feeling
triggered by people who didn'tdrink.
Yes.
Or who would put it on Facebookthat they were alcohol free, and
I would think fuck you.
Go and tell that story somewhereelse.
(23:45):
I don't want to see that shit,but that trigger was an
indication to me about where Istood with myself and how
unconfident I felt about myselfwithout alcohol, right?
It wasn't so much a judgment onthem.
No.
But I was super triggered.
I remember feeling like that,seeing things like that, and I
(24:08):
would unfollow or I would justbe like, oh, whatever okay, you
do think you're better than allof us, or Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think it's important forour listeners to hear this
because, if you're newly alcoholfree and going to social events
for the first time and somebodydoesn't respond well to this,
it's not about you.
(24:29):
It is not about you.
It's about them.
And I have had that too.
I have had somebody not want totalk to me anymore for the rest
of the night.
Once they found out I didn'tdrink like, okay.
But not taking it personally andbeing able to carry on with your
night that's a huge confidencebooster.
Although at first that might behard I wasn't warned about that,
(24:49):
nobody said, hey, when youdecide to do this, you're going
to trigger a lot of people, justlike you were triggered and I
didn't put that together, but.
I now see, because now we're allon the other side of it, that,
oh, when I was triggered bypeople living an alcohol free
life like I am now, I now see itwasn't about them, it was about
(25:12):
me and my relationship with me,myself, right?
Oh, man.
Yeah.
And yeah, that's the other thingtoo.
I think it's funny.
I used to think I'd have to givesome sort of explanation or if
somebody asks me if I want aglass of wine, I just say, no I
don't say oh no, I don't drink.
Oh no I'm alcohol free.
You don't have to say that.
Tracey (25:32):
That's the building of the confidence, right?
Exactly.
Yeah.
I was going to say, saying nobuilds confidence.
Just
Kelly (25:41):
say no, you don't have to say anything else.
No is a complete sentence.
Tracey (25:45):
Boundaries.
Practice that.
Boundaries and saying no.
That's another confidencebooster right there.
Yes, having boundaries.
Absolutely.
Yeah, that's a super power.
Yeah, I was thinking that toowhile you were talking there,
Kel.
And then I think a huge pieceprobably for all of us is
sharing our own stories.
(26:06):
That builds a lot of confidenceas well because it helps you to
not feel alone.
And it helps you when yourealize it's helping other
people.
Yeah,
Kelly (26:17):
it still feels vulnerable for me sometimes, sharing
something so personal.
But the fact that I get messagesfrom people and, like Trace like
told me afterwards that she wasreading things that I was
posting, it's worth it.
To me, and not everybody has toshare their story, but Tracey's
right.
It does help you.
And it also helps keep youaccountable.
Lindsey (26:39):
That's true.
We've said before, I feel nowlike vulnerability is a
superpower.
And to me, vulnerability buildsconfidence because you have to
be comfortable with yourself andwhere you're at.
In order to be vulnerable andshare.
So if you aren't comfortablewith yourself or where you're at
(27:02):
in life and you're lackingconfidence, you're not going to
be sharing your story.
Kelly (27:06):
If there's still any shame associated with it people
are still have shame attached tothat because there is a stigma
that we all need to be drinking.
It's changing,
Tracey (27:18):
it is changing a lot.
It's amazing actually.
It's crazy how quickly it'shappened if I think about the
awareness now in comparison towhen we started this podcast, if
I think about even the podcastin the space, when we started.
And it felt like there was veryfew, and now it seems like
(27:39):
they're all over the place,right?
Yeah.
There's so many of them, andthere seems like there's one
popping up every other day.
Lindsey (27:46):
Yeah.
The community brings a sense ofconfidence too, right?
Yeah, knowing that there'speople just like you.
Exactly.
Kelly (27:52):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
That's good stuff.
Yeah, I'm trying to think ofmore things.
I know we had a goodconversation.
I think the last episode beforewe broke about confidence.
But to me, it's just like agradual thing.
yeah, talked about stacking themup and celebrating the little
(28:13):
wins and keeping the promises toyourself.
It's the little things.
Tracey (28:17):
Yeah.
And it's just gradual to thepoint where I feel like you
don't notice it.
And then one day it's just holyshit.
Kelly (28:25):
I've created a whole new life.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
That's what I feel like.
Like, when did this happen?
Look, I'm in my new studio.
Yeah.
Exactly.
How'd I get here?
Yeah.
Life is pretty crazy.
Lindsey (28:45):
I'm really trying to think of different.
Kelly (28:50):
I'm thinking about the young people, like Maddie at
that age where self esteem is soimportant.
Tracey (28:57):
That's the thing, like the prime age for self esteem
where we're so challenged withit is like 13, right?
Yes.
Grade nine.
Ooh.
Yeah, so it starts young and itstarts at exactly the same time
as we start to get influenced bythese outside things and
(29:19):
exposure to these outsidethings.
Yeah, I don't know what's thebest answer for how you instill
that in your kids other thanreally just supporting them
being themselves.
Kelly (29:32):
Being themselves and what they think about themselves is
so much more important than whatother people think of them.
Yes.
Tracey (29:40):
And I think just having open conversations, making them
feel like they can talk to younot judging.
That's a big thing.
Yeah, I remember Maddie camehome from a party once and you
were just like, so did youdrink?
That's a powerful question.
It's I'm not going to judge youif you did, and you can tell me
if you did, yeah, not havinglike that fear mongering that
(30:01):
our parents did, right?
Did you drink?
Kelly (30:05):
Yeah, exactly.
More like the approach, right?
Yeah, or leaving the house, nodrinking.
Yes.
No other conversation aboutanything else.
Just no drinking.
But that's the thing.
I think that by not saying thosethings, you're actually
instilling confidence becauseyou're having faith in your
children that they're going tomake those decisions for
(30:27):
themselves.
Yes, and you're giving them theconfidence to say, I believe
that you can make that decisionfor yourself and you're going to
make the right choice.
Yes, I think we have to givethem as scary as it is the
freedom to make choices and makemistakes to and be confident and
(30:50):
comfortable that they're goingto make the right ones.
If they do make a mistake, orthey do try something, not going
at it from a place of judgmentand understanding that there is
going to be an element and Isaid this to my daughter it's a
curiosity.
And that curiosity is going toexist and it's not a bad thing.
(31:12):
It's actually a very good thingto have a sense of curiosity.
If you're trying it out of that,then understandably.
Because that's going to happenamongst peers, but I think your
point was very strong there,Kel, that.
I think we need to make surethat we're asking the question
as to why did they try to?
(31:34):
Yeah, I think that's animportant piece.
And if the answer to that isbecause all my friends were
doing it, or people were pushingme to do it, then.
You might want to be concernedat that point that it does have
to do with someone's selfesteem.
Or if your child says to you, Idid it because I was
uncomfortable.
In the social situation, yeah,there's, I didn't feel
(31:56):
comfortable or I felt awkward.
So I thought it would help.
Then that's a red flag tosomething you want to.
dulve too, I think.
Lindsey (32:06):
I think that happens to a lot of adults.
I probably drank in situationswhere I went in knowing or
feeling like I didn't want to,but I did it anyways because I
felt uncomfortable or I feltawkward.
I don't regret it.
I don't regret drinking alcoholbecause I think, I wish this
didn't happen late in life, thisrealization that I don't need
(32:29):
anything outside myself tovalidate me or for me to be
myself.
I just need to just be right.
I wish that came sooner, but Iknow now, right?
Yeah.
This was not all it was crackedup to be and it's actually, it's
very ironic that it's advertisedand marketed to boost
(32:52):
confidence, but it actually doesthe opposite.
You get this false sense ofconfidence or this temporary
relief.
But,
Tracey (33:00):
and then wake up the next day regretting everything
you did the
Lindsey (33:04):
night before.
The long term effects are sodetrimental.
Show us pictures of that in youradvertisements.
Exactly.
The long term effects are sodetrimental to your self image
that it really just, it reallyjust degrades your confidence.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Kelly (33:21):
We talked about this last time, so deep down when you know
you're not doing somethingthat's, or you are doing
something that's not good foryour health in general,
Lindsey (33:28):
It's not a good feeling.
You're not confident.
No.
It's the inner conflict too,right?
You're having that innerconflict with yourself.
Yeah, that's not buildingconfidence either.
You're doing the opposite.
What feels good for you.
So you're doing the opposite.
Kelly (33:47):
That was me.
Yes, I can relate to that somuch.
Tracey (33:51):
And going back to Linz, we've talked about going back to
the kids.
Adults can also feel peerpressure to drink.
Absolutely.
Lots of times you go into asituation and you're like, I'm
not going to drink tonight, oryou're thinking, I'm not really
feeling like drinking.
And then next thing you know,someone's putting a drink in
your hand or in front of you anddrinking.
(34:12):
And as we all know, for us, Itwouldn't just be one then.
No.
Never.
Yeah.
Adults can feel the peerpressure too.
Yeah.
And that's the lack ofconfidence.
Giving in to the peer pressureis a lack of self esteem and
lack of confidence.
Yeah.
For sure.
Go back and listen to our, didwe do a self love episode?
(34:33):
Yeah.
We did.
Yeah.
We did.
Kelly (34:35):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Give yourself some more love.
Tracey (34:39):
Yes.
That's another way to buildconfidence for sure.
Yes.
Yes.
Self care.
Do our 30 day self carechallenge.
Yes.
I think that's a wrap.
Thank you once again for tuningin to the LAF Life podcast.
You can find us on Instagram atLAF Life podcast.
We also have a website.
(34:59):
So don't forget to check thatout.
laflifepodcast.
com.
We'll see you back here nextTuesday.
With another brand new episode.
Until then, you guys know whatto do.
Keep laughing.
Kelly (35:15):
Thank you for listening.
Please give us a five starrating like and subscribe, share
on social media and tell yourfriends.
We love getting your feedbackand ideas of what you'd like to
hear on upcoming episodes of theLAF life podcast.
If you yourself are livingalcohol free and want to share
your story here, please reachout.
Welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast
based on living alcohol free anda booze soaked world.
My name is Kelly Evans andtogether with my friends, Tracey
Djordjevic, and Lindsay Harik.
We share uncensored.
Unscripted real conversationsabout what our lives have been
like since we ditched alcoholand how we got here by sharing
(00:24):
our individual stories.
We'll show you that there isn'tjust one way to do this, no
matter where you are on yourjourney from sober, curious to
years in recovery and everyonein between, you are welcome
here, no judgment and a ton ofsupport.
Lindsey (00:40):
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to the LAF Lifepodcast.
Today's episode, we are going tochat about how to build
confidence without alcohol.
I know that when I first stoppeddrinking, I felt like I was how
do I even say this?
Flailing around, I didn't reallyknow how to behave, how to act
(01:02):
because I was so used toactually using a substance when
I was out and I didn't know howto behave or act without it.
And that's weird because I thinkjust be yourself, but I really
honestly didn't even know whothat was, which is probably why
I was drinking alcohol, when Iwas out, even though I really
(01:23):
enjoyed drinking alone, that wasmy thing.
But I found that when I quitdrinking for good, I was left
realizing that I actually hadreally low self confidence and
self esteem.
I don't know how you guys feltwhen you stopped drinking.
Yeah.
I was just like, I don't feelgood about myself.
(01:43):
I don't like the way that Ilook.
I hated the way I looked in themirror, in pictures.
I was horrified.
And I just didn't even reallyknow who I was, what I wanted
out of life, which way my lifewas going to go.
Yeah.
And things in my personal lifeweren't going well.
I was just starting the divorceprocess.
It felt like it was never goingto end, and I would have, if I
(02:10):
was still drinking, I would haveprobably used wine for a lot of
that.
But yeah, let's chat about it.
Let's chat about ways or thingsthat we can do to build our
confidence without alcohol.
Kelly (02:22):
I was going to say, when you said be yourself, alcohol
was just part of my identity.
So myself was the wine drinker.
I didn't know who I was either.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Confusing.
Yeah.
That's super scary.
It is a scary part of decidingto quit because yeah, I didn't
know who I was going to bewithout alcohol.
Lindsey (02:43):
I remember us talking about that.
Tracey (02:45):
I don't think so much.
I didn't know who I was.
I think it was more.
So getting back to a person thatI knew I was like, a previous
version of myself, because asyou guys know, I didn't start
out as a drinker.
I started drinking later inlife.
That was like.
A romance I had with myselfwhile I was drinking was the
(03:08):
thought of me as a non drinkerand also, having a partner when
I met Randy that didn't drink.
And I envied that about himbecause I saw him coming from a
place that I remembered myselfbeing in previously when I
didn't drink.
But I have to say that I didfind it took me a long time to
(03:30):
find my footing, especiallysocially without alcohol because
I was.
By nature growing up veryintroverted.
I only started coming out of myshell in my 20s.
And then, of course, withalcohol, that kind of
accelerated me into being a moreextroverted person.
For me, I feel like finding thebalance between being
(03:51):
introverted, but having yearsnow of experience.
Of building an extrovertedpersonality and trying to
balance the two and do itwithout alcohol.
I love that.
To rely on You need those smallwins along the way.
And I think, I know for mepersonally, that is what ended
up building my confidence is thelonger I went, the more
(04:14):
confident I felt.
Kelly (04:16):
Oh, for sure.
Yeah.
Realizing, like having theevidence and realizing that you
can do, that came up on our lastepisode, you can do everything
without alcohol.
Lindsey (04:27):
Right.
And it's better.
Kelly (04:29):
Yeah.
Cause you remember it all.
More present.
It wasn't going to be good.
Lindsey (04:33):
Yeah.
You're present.
Yeah.
You're not repeating yourself orworrying what you're going to
say if you already said it ornot.
So do you guys think that havingan issue with alcohol starts out
as a self esteem issue?
Oh, that's a good question.
I think it does.
And I think, did we touch onthis last episode or I recently
heard somebody else talkingabout this for sure.
(04:55):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kelly (04:56):
We did.
Tracey (04:57):
Yeah, and I think that the drinking just then feeds
into that, right?
I think the further you getalong into your drinking career,
the more insecure we get,because then we're in that shame
cycle too.
And all that stuff is feedinginto our insecurities,
especially if you're havingincreased anxiety, because
(05:18):
anxiety is directly related toall your fears and all your
worst beliefs.
Thoughts and feelings, right?
Especially about yourself.
Yeah, it's you really arefeeding in to those insecurities
and deteriorating yourconfidence with time.
So I was saying before we hoppedon that.
(05:39):
It's almost like we're killingour confidence when we're
drinking and as we're havingthat habit.
And as we're relying on alcoholto be social, we're actually
relying on it to be confident.
And that might be a factor inthe addiction, right?
Is that we don't think thatwe're going to have that
(06:01):
confidence without it, or wedepend on it or rely on it.
Kelly (06:05):
I heard somebody say on a podcast that, kids come home
their first time from drinking.
And the parents, the firstquestion they ask is, where did
you get it, instead of askingthe question, why did you do it?
And I really feel like If myparents had dug into it it would
(06:25):
have been uncovered that it wasa self esteem issue.
I needed it to socialize, butyeah, we look at it Oh my God,
they're drinking, they'rehanging out with the wrong
crowd, blah, blah, blah.
But nothing's focused on what'shappening on the inside.
I wish, on.
I heard that.
Like, why do you feel the needto get drunk every weekend?
My self esteem is so low.
(06:47):
Yeah.
My self esteem was so low when Iwas a kid that, yeah, that was
the only thing that made me feelconfident.
Falsely, obviously.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tracey (06:56):
It's definitely a false sense of confidence, but I can
relate in the sense that Idefinitely we've talked about
this Kel that, it's therepression.
Of yourself and your personalityI felt really repressed as a
child and I think that Alcoholeventually help me feel like I
(07:17):
could alleviate some of that.
Yes.
And come out of my shell like somany people talk about it being
a social lubricant but really,you should think about it in the
sense that if I am dependent onalcohol to be social or to feel
good, let's get down to the rootproblem.
I should be looking deeper intothat.
(07:38):
And, okay.
It's not something we thinkabout while we're drinking.
Kelly (07:42):
Yeah, and how many times we talk about the mommy wine
culture, and that is such adisempowering message that,
women can't handle all thethings they have going on in
their life.
So they need the alcohol, likethat's got to lower the self
esteem.
Lindsey (07:59):
The other thing too, hear me out, alcohol impairs
judgment, right?
So when you're drinking, you'remaking all kinds of horrible,
bad decisions and behavingbadly.
And the next day it results inembarrassment and shame.
So this is a way that alcoholactually destroys your
confidence because it makes youfeel bad about yourself because
(08:20):
when you're drinking, yourjudgment's impaired.
Which is normal when you'redrinking.
Yeah.
But then you feel like a personwho just makes bad decisions and
then you associate that withyour personality and your
behavior and it's almost likeyou need to keep drinking to
stuff that down or forget aboutthat and then you make more bad
decisions, right?
(08:41):
And I think that reallyundermines your confidence.
Absolutely.
So one of the things that Inoticed for me is that when I
decided, okay, I'm going to makegood choices here for myself,
whatever that means for you.
For me, it was, I'm not going todrink.
And when I made that decisionand stuck with it, tick,
confidence went up.
(09:02):
I didn't drink here.
I didn't need to.
I got through the event.
I was able to hold aconversation.
I remember it all.
And I made good choices.
And I didn't, lash out atanybody.
I didn't get overly emotional.
I didn't end up in the middle ofa dance floor crying.
It's a powerful thing to feelthat you have control over your
emotions, over your thoughts,your words, and your actions.
(09:25):
And I think that is a reallygreat way or something that you
can do to boost your confidenceis just make good decisions when
you are not drinking and startwith that one.
Tracey (09:34):
But I think it starts with exactly what you said,
Linds that would be like, stepnumber 1 is or the number 1
check you made the decision tostop drinking.
You were confident enough orbelieved in yourself enough to
do it.
I was listening to a clip todayfrom Robert Downey Jr.
(09:55):
who has struggled with addictionand was, in and out of rehab and
it took him quite a few attemptsto become sober.
And he said that, being sober,isn't the hard part.
He said the hardest part of itis making the decision to stop.
For sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's number one check on theconfidence list.
(10:16):
The second you make thatdecision, you're instantly
increasing your confidence.
You are.
And then by doing all thoseother little things you said,
like going to the social event,there's next check mark, right?
Then you start checking allthose confidence boxes.
Lindsey (10:31):
And they stack up.
Yes.
And as those stack, as small asthey seem, that is.
What builds and boosts yourconfidence and your self worth.
Tracey (10:41):
Going back to when you're drinking and building the
evidence.
When you're drinking, you'reactually building the evidence
against that, right?
You're building the evidence toreinforce not being confident.
Why do we keep going back to itthen?
That's what boggles my mind.
I kept drinking despite all thenegativity that I felt about
(11:02):
myself.
All the things that happenedthat decreased my confidence.
Yeah, something that I've seenout there that scares me a
little bit is, like I loveanything that's out there that's
trending or whatever withchanging your relationship with
alcohol.
But one of the things that I sawthe other day was that somebody
(11:25):
was offering a course orwhatever on moderation.
And my struggle with moderationwas like the most soul crushing
confidence.
Stomper sucking thing that Iever could have done because I
kept making promises to myself.
(11:46):
So I would say I'm, make rulesfor myself.
I'm only going to drink on theweekends or I'm only going to
drink if friends come over.
I'm only going to.
Drink, one bottle of winetonight.
I kept making these rules andtrying to make these promises to
myself because I was not happywith my relationship with
alcohol and I kept breakingthem.
(12:09):
Like every time.
I could not moderate.
I could not moderate.
And I know all of our storiesare individual, but I can't see
how somebody where I was at withmy drinking could ever.
Moderate, right?
It's exhausting.
It is so completely exhaustingthat once I quit, like that's
(12:29):
right.
What you just said about, theactor, it's the decision.
That was the hardest part tofinally say, no, no more
moderating, no more making thesefricking rules that I cannot
stick with or promises that Ican't keep for myself.
Just.
Done.
Done.
And thank God it did stick that,time six years ago.
(12:49):
I wanted to say that in yousaying that, Kel, going back to
the confidence checkbox, theother portion of that feeding
off what Lindsay said, and nowwhat you said is that checkbox
also includes the keeping thepromise to yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You were stacking the evidenceagainst yourself again, every
(13:10):
time you broke that promise toyourself, right?
Kelly (13:13):
Yeah, and I did have I've told you guys on here before, I
did have actual calendars on mywall in my bedroom.
It was for nobody else but me tosee to check off.
I didn't drink today.
I didn't drink today.
Check, check, check.
It helped me so much.
I did it for at least Fourmonths, I wanna say.
Yeah.
But yeah, I needed to get myhighlighter and check that day
(13:35):
off at the end of every day Ithought about it, every day.
Wow.
Tracey (13:39):
That's a another great example of how you reinforced
the confidence was, trackingyour progress.
And having that as a visual foryourself because it gave you a
sense of accomplishment.
yeah.
The opposite of what I was doingbefore.
So that's a good start.
What else to build confidence?
I think going back to somethingLynn's touched on the doing
(14:01):
things to help you figure outwho you are, right?
And I know you've talked aboutthis, Kel, trying different
things, exposing yourself to newthings therapy.
Yeah, digging deep, right?
Doing the therapy, doing thework, doing the internal work to
really figure out who you areand maybe deal with some of the
(14:22):
reasons why you started drinkingin the 1st place.
And I think, as you go alongthat journey, that builds
confidence as well.
Just the understanding of it.
I just felt like, how did I gethere?
I explained to somebody theother day what therapy was to me
and it was like, it was a wayfor me to understand why I was
(14:42):
doing the things that I wasdoing that were making my life
so hard.
Wow.
Yeah, that's a good point.
That is such a good point.
Oh
Lindsey (14:50):
my gosh.
I think that's what you reallyhave to figure out, though.
Why are you doing the things tomake your life hard?
And there are answers to that.
You got to be willing to look atthem.
It
Tracey (15:05):
goes back to the self sabotage thing that we were
talking about last episode whichagain is directly related to low
self esteem, right?
Yes.
Not feeling worthy, not feelinggood enough, not feeling worthy
of certain things.
Lindsey (15:21):
And then you start drinking and that just feeds
into all that.
Right.
Yeah.
I think journaling too, writingdown the type of person you want
to be, how you see yourself whenyou're clear headed because
something that really built upmy confidence was getting
(15:41):
physically active.
And I was doing that whiledrinking, we all know you do
great workouts, but if you'rejust drinking your calories.
Your body focuses on removingtoxins and poison, right?
That is what happens when youswallow alcohol.
It goes, we're not doingdigestion anymore.
(16:05):
We're not doing fat loss andmuscle building and fat burning.
We are being poisoned and ouronly goal is to eliminate it.
So that's such a hard processfor your body to do.
You keep doing that over andover again despite trying to eat
well and be physically active.
I was going backwards.
You just look at pictures of meand I looked older.
(16:27):
I was puffy.
I was overweight.
I was so unhappy.
And that is such a confidencesucker.
Yeah.
If you don't like what you seewhen you look in the mirror,
that's, yeah.
And not saying that you have togo and be some kind of a
supermodel or something that,you're not built to be, but it's
accept yourself.
Yeah.
(16:47):
There is a version of you thatis healthy.
It's different from everybody.
And you know it, when you're notyour best, right?
When I eliminated alcohol, but Ikept adding in the positive
things like trying a new gymthat I was terrified to go to
the first day at the gym where Ilive.
I was like, hey, that's it.
(17:08):
I'm I've stopped drinking.
I'm doing my at home workouts.
I feel now that my confidence.
needs a boost, and I need totake a risk, and I need to try
something different, somethingthat I'm not, that I wouldn't
normally do.
And I found that when I stoppeddrinking, I gained that kind of
bravery.
I'm going to just try somethingthat I wouldn't normally do.
(17:31):
I'm really scared.
I'm doing it by myself.
I didn't have.
And the first day there, Iliterally almost walked out
without doing the workoutbecause they get you on the
scale, but it's not just aboutwhat the weight says.
It's about your measurements.
It's about your body fatpercent.
It's about your muscle masspercent and your visceral fat.
And I was just like, how thefuck did I get here?
(17:54):
So the longer I was physicallyactive, it was like, okay, when
I wrote down things in my bookthat I kept and sometimes, you
know what the saddest thing is,you guys, I would journal while
I was drunk and oftentimes likeblackout.
My writing, it was ridiculous,but I was writing things about
(18:14):
myself.
It was really sad, like thingsthat I really wanted in my life,
things that I really wanted formyself.
And then when I go back and I'vedone this, I like read my little
journal that I have and I seethose things.
I'm like, Oh my God, like itbrings tears to my eyes.
It was like, I am that personnow, but I had to get rid of the
alcohol to do it.
I had to add in the positivethings like the working out and
(18:36):
being consistent with it goteasier.
I didn't have the, I'm hung overtoday.
I feel like shit, I'm just notgoing to work out or whatever,
and that really added to myconfidence knowing that I was
doing something healthy formyself.
I could see, not right away, Icould see physical changes, and
it's just wow, something isgoing right, finally, and it's
(18:57):
working, but you have to beconsistent with it.
I used alcohol as an excuse tolet my, the way I looked.
Go to the wayside.
And I was trying to convincemyself that it didn't matter,
but it
Kelly (19:11):
did.
Me too.
Because I had turned 40.
When it got really bad, I hadjust turned 40.
I was like, wow, this is whathappens.
Not going to look like thatanymore, yeah, it was an excuse.
Yeah.
It was an excuse.
I love the goal setting andwanting to become this future
version of yourself.
But for me, that part of.
I had to step back and acceptmyself exactly as I was in that
(19:34):
moment.
I wasn't happy with what I saw,but I had to accept it and be
like, okay, I love you likethis.
Lindsey (19:42):
When I saw those numbers at the gym, that's what
that did for me.
These are facts.
This is reality right now.
Reality check.
And it's okay.
It is okay.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's not a not a you're going tobe better when you're this.
It's you're good right now.
You quit drinking.
You're good, girl.
Like you got this.
(20:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tracey (20:03):
I think part of the exercise component after you
stop drinking is that you becomea lot more intentional with what
you're actually doing instead ofjust going through the motions
when you're drinking, or Lynnsaid, it's like the lack of
consistency because you're hungover.
You're not feeling it.
It goes back to the piece that Ispeak to a lot.
(20:24):
The fact that I know thatalcohol was killing my
motivation.
Yeah.
I was a person who never had aproblem, pushing myself being
consistent.
I was a five, six day a week gymfor a good portion of my life.
But as my drinking started toincrease.
That kind of went to the waysideand it was more so oh, yeah, I
(20:46):
can act like I'm still thisactive person and throw it in
there a couple of times a week,but there definitely really
wasn't any real consistency toit or intention.
I wasn't doing it with any realgood intention.
I think it was just for show orfluff early at that point.
Or maybe I think for me withstuff like that, I'm like my
(21:08):
drinking's not that bad.
I'm still gonna the gym.
Yeah.
Lindsey (21:10):
Oh yeah.
Oh boy.
Tracey (21:15):
Or, yeah, you know what?
I went to the gym today so I canhave that glass of wine tonight.
Yes.
Oh, man.
Yeah, the reward, right?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I would say having goals.
Or living more intentionally,those things are what helps
build the confidence to
Kelly (21:35):
having an intention.
Yeah.
Not just like flailing aroundand be like, Oh, yeah, it's
going to happen today.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Intentionally, I think just evenwaking up feeling good starting
your day.
On a positive note, not feelinghalf assed that in itself builds
confidence because it makes youfeel like you can accomplish so
(21:57):
much more and you're ready totackle your day and that in
itself is confidence.
It is.
It really is.
Yeah.
And it never gets old.
No,
Tracey (22:08):
We've said before, it's the little things, it's those
little things that compile.
Right and build the evidence andthat's where the confidence
comes from.
Kelly (22:20):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's every day, every kindof small interaction that's
building its way to.
Where we are now, where we'remuch more comfortable in our
skin and our decisions to not bedrinking, especially in social
situations.
But I can say it probably tookme a good year and a half to
(22:41):
feel fully comfortable.
Social situations where I'llcall became really not even a
thought.
Yeah I skipped a lot of eventsin the beginning, because I was
just so unsure of myself and sonervous.
So I did skip a lot of events.
And then, yeah, just slowly I'vetalked about this before, but
always having a plan I wouldalways drive.
(23:02):
So that I could leave whenever Iwanted, but those things, yeah,
I don't need to worry about anyof that anymore over time.
I know I'm not going to drink.
And I also wanted to say, Idon't know what made me think of
this, but I think I speak forall of us.
I don't think I'm better thananybody else when I'm at an
event and people are drinking.
I really don't.
I feel like I have a superpowerthat I don't have to drink
(23:24):
anymore, but I definitely don'tfeel like I'm better than
anybody else.
I wanted to say that.
That's a confidence thing toobecause I do remember feeling
triggered by people who didn'tdrink.
Yes.
Or who would put it on Facebookthat they were alcohol free, and
I would think fuck you.
Go and tell that story somewhereelse.
(23:45):
I don't want to see that shit,but that trigger was an
indication to me about where Istood with myself and how
unconfident I felt about myselfwithout alcohol, right?
It wasn't so much a judgment onthem.
No.
But I was super triggered.
I remember feeling like that,seeing things like that, and I
(24:08):
would unfollow or I would justbe like, oh, whatever okay, you
do think you're better than allof us, or Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think it's important forour listeners to hear this
because, if you're newly alcoholfree and going to social events
for the first time and somebodydoesn't respond well to this,
it's not about you.
(24:29):
It is not about you.
It's about them.
And I have had that too.
I have had somebody not want totalk to me anymore for the rest
of the night.
Once they found out I didn'tdrink like, okay.
But not taking it personally andbeing able to carry on with your
night that's a huge confidencebooster.
Although at first that might behard I wasn't warned about that,
(24:49):
nobody said, hey, when youdecide to do this, you're going
to trigger a lot of people, justlike you were triggered and I
didn't put that together, but.
I now see, because now we're allon the other side of it, that,
oh, when I was triggered bypeople living an alcohol free
life like I am now, I now see itwasn't about them, it was about
(25:12):
me and my relationship with me,myself, right?
Oh, man.
Yeah.
And yeah, that's the other thingtoo.
I think it's funny.
I used to think I'd have to givesome sort of explanation or if
somebody asks me if I want aglass of wine, I just say, no I
don't say oh no, I don't drink.
Oh no I'm alcohol free.
You don't have to say that.
Tracey (25:32):
That's the building of the confidence, right?
Exactly.
Yeah.
I was going to say, saying nobuilds confidence.
Just
Kelly (25:41):
say no, you don't have to say anything else.
No is a complete sentence.
Tracey (25:45):
Boundaries.
Practice that.
Boundaries and saying no.
That's another confidencebooster right there.
Yes, having boundaries.
Absolutely.
Yeah, that's a super power.
Yeah, I was thinking that toowhile you were talking there,
Kel.
And then I think a huge pieceprobably for all of us is
sharing our own stories.
(26:06):
That builds a lot of confidenceas well because it helps you to
not feel alone.
And it helps you when yourealize it's helping other
people.
Yeah,
Kelly (26:17):
it still feels vulnerable for me sometimes, sharing
something so personal.
But the fact that I get messagesfrom people and, like Trace like
told me afterwards that she wasreading things that I was
posting, it's worth it.
To me, and not everybody has toshare their story, but Tracey's
right.
It does help you.
And it also helps keep youaccountable.
Lindsey (26:39):
That's true.
We've said before, I feel nowlike vulnerability is a
superpower.
And to me, vulnerability buildsconfidence because you have to
be comfortable with yourself andwhere you're at.
In order to be vulnerable andshare.
So if you aren't comfortablewith yourself or where you're at
(27:02):
in life and you're lackingconfidence, you're not going to
be sharing your story.
Kelly (27:06):
If there's still any shame associated with it people
are still have shame attached tothat because there is a stigma
that we all need to be drinking.
It's changing,
Tracey (27:18):
it is changing a lot.
It's amazing actually.
It's crazy how quickly it'shappened if I think about the
awareness now in comparison towhen we started this podcast, if
I think about even the podcastin the space, when we started.
And it felt like there was veryfew, and now it seems like
(27:39):
they're all over the place,right?
Yeah.
There's so many of them, andthere seems like there's one
popping up every other day.
Lindsey (27:46):
Yeah.
The community brings a sense ofconfidence too, right?
Yeah, knowing that there'speople just like you.
Exactly.
Kelly (27:52):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
That's good stuff.
Yeah, I'm trying to think ofmore things.
I know we had a goodconversation.
I think the last episode beforewe broke about confidence.
But to me, it's just like agradual thing.
yeah, talked about stacking themup and celebrating the little
(28:13):
wins and keeping the promises toyourself.
It's the little things.
Tracey (28:17):
Yeah.
And it's just gradual to thepoint where I feel like you
don't notice it.
And then one day it's just holyshit.
Kelly (28:25):
I've created a whole new life.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
That's what I feel like.
Like, when did this happen?
Look, I'm in my new studio.
Yeah.
Exactly.
How'd I get here?
Yeah.
Life is pretty crazy.
Lindsey (28:45):
I'm really trying to think of different.
Kelly (28:50):
I'm thinking about the young people, like Maddie at
that age where self esteem is soimportant.
Tracey (28:57):
That's the thing, like the prime age for self esteem
where we're so challenged withit is like 13, right?
Yes.
Grade nine.
Ooh.
Yeah, so it starts young and itstarts at exactly the same time
as we start to get influenced bythese outside things and
(29:19):
exposure to these outsidethings.
Yeah, I don't know what's thebest answer for how you instill
that in your kids other thanreally just supporting them
being themselves.
Kelly (29:32):
Being themselves and what they think about themselves is
so much more important than whatother people think of them.
Yes.
Tracey (29:40):
And I think just having open conversations, making them
feel like they can talk to younot judging.
That's a big thing.
Yeah, I remember Maddie camehome from a party once and you
were just like, so did youdrink?
That's a powerful question.
It's I'm not going to judge youif you did, and you can tell me
if you did, yeah, not havinglike that fear mongering that
(30:01):
our parents did, right?
Did you drink?
Kelly (30:05):
Yeah, exactly.
More like the approach, right?
Yeah, or leaving the house, nodrinking.
Yes.
No other conversation aboutanything else.
Just no drinking.
But that's the thing.
I think that by not saying thosethings, you're actually
instilling confidence becauseyou're having faith in your
children that they're going tomake those decisions for
(30:27):
themselves.
Yes, and you're giving them theconfidence to say, I believe
that you can make that decisionfor yourself and you're going to
make the right choice.
Yes, I think we have to givethem as scary as it is the
freedom to make choices and makemistakes to and be confident and
(30:50):
comfortable that they're goingto make the right ones.
If they do make a mistake, orthey do try something, not going
at it from a place of judgmentand understanding that there is
going to be an element and Isaid this to my daughter it's a
curiosity.
And that curiosity is going toexist and it's not a bad thing.
(31:12):
It's actually a very good thingto have a sense of curiosity.
If you're trying it out of that,then understandably.
Because that's going to happenamongst peers, but I think your
point was very strong there,Kel, that.
I think we need to make surethat we're asking the question
as to why did they try to?
(31:34):
Yeah, I think that's animportant piece.
And if the answer to that isbecause all my friends were
doing it, or people were pushingme to do it, then.
You might want to be concernedat that point that it does have
to do with someone's selfesteem.
Or if your child says to you, Idid it because I was
uncomfortable.
In the social situation, yeah,there's, I didn't feel
(31:56):
comfortable or I felt awkward.
So I thought it would help.
Then that's a red flag tosomething you want to.
dulve too, I think.
Lindsey (32:06):
I think that happens to a lot of adults.
I probably drank in situationswhere I went in knowing or
feeling like I didn't want to,but I did it anyways because I
felt uncomfortable or I feltawkward.
I don't regret it.
I don't regret drinking alcoholbecause I think, I wish this
didn't happen late in life, thisrealization that I don't need
(32:29):
anything outside myself tovalidate me or for me to be
myself.
I just need to just be right.
I wish that came sooner, but Iknow now, right?
Yeah.
This was not all it was crackedup to be and it's actually, it's
very ironic that it's advertisedand marketed to boost
(32:52):
confidence, but it actually doesthe opposite.
You get this false sense ofconfidence or this temporary
relief.
But,
Tracey (33:00):
and then wake up the next day regretting everything
you did the
Lindsey (33:04):
night before.
The long term effects are sodetrimental.
Show us pictures of that in youradvertisements.
Exactly.
The long term effects are sodetrimental to your self image
that it really just, it reallyjust degrades your confidence.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Kelly (33:21):
We talked about this last time, so deep down when you know
you're not doing somethingthat's, or you are doing
something that's not good foryour health in general,
Lindsey (33:28):
It's not a good feeling.
You're not confident.
No.
It's the inner conflict too,right?
You're having that innerconflict with yourself.
Yeah, that's not buildingconfidence either.
You're doing the opposite.
What feels good for you.
So you're doing the opposite.
Kelly (33:47):
That was me.
Yes, I can relate to that somuch.
Tracey (33:51):
And going back to Linz, we've talked about going back to
the kids.
Adults can also feel peerpressure to drink.
Absolutely.
Lots of times you go into asituation and you're like, I'm
not going to drink tonight, oryou're thinking, I'm not really
feeling like drinking.
And then next thing you know,someone's putting a drink in
your hand or in front of you anddrinking.
(34:12):
And as we all know, for us, Itwouldn't just be one then.
No.
Never.
Yeah.
Adults can feel the peerpressure too.
Yeah.
And that's the lack ofconfidence.
Giving in to the peer pressureis a lack of self esteem and
lack of confidence.
Yeah.
For sure.
Go back and listen to our, didwe do a self love episode?
(34:33):
Yeah.
We did.
Yeah.
We did.
Kelly (34:35):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Give yourself some more love.
Tracey (34:39):
Yes.
That's another way to buildconfidence for sure.
Yes.
Yes.
Self care.
Do our 30 day self carechallenge.
Yes.
I think that's a wrap.
Thank you once again for tuningin to the LAF Life podcast.
You can find us on Instagram atLAF Life podcast.
We also have a website.
(34:59):
So don't forget to check thatout.
laflifepodcast.
com.
We'll see you back here nextTuesday.
With another brand new episode.
Until then, you guys know whatto do.
Keep laughing.
Kelly (35:15):
Thank you for listening.
Please give us a five starrating like and subscribe, share
on social media and tell yourfriends.
We love getting your feedbackand ideas of what you'd like to
hear on upcoming episodes of theLAF life podcast.
If you yourself are livingalcohol free and want to share
your story here, please reachout.
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