February 19, 2024 • 43 mins
In this episode we discuss things we wish we knew or someone told us when we were drinking. As we dive into some of the things, like how drinking increases anxiety or how lonely drinking can be we also question whether if we knew any of these things would they have stopped us. The reality is probably not but is there one thing or a certain person in our lives that could have said something to us that would have helped change our relationship with alcohol sooner. This episode is NOT about regrets, we all appreciate that people get to where they need to be in their our own time and we are all happy with the paths we took to get us here. We hope this episode speaks to the people out there that may be where we were right now and need to hear this!!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kelly (00:02):
Welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast
based on living alcohol free anda booze soaked world.
My name is Kelly Evans andtogether with my friends, Tracey
Djordjevic, and Lindsay Harik.
We share uncensored.
Unscripted real conversationsabout what our lives have been
like since we ditched alcoholand how we got here by sharing
(00:24):
our individual stories.
We'll show you that there isn'tjust one way to do this, no
matter where you are on yourjourney from sober, curious to
years in recovery and everyonein between, you are welcome
here, no judgment and a ton ofsupport.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to the LAF Life podcast,Season 3, Episode 12.
(00:47):
Tonight, we are going to chatabout things that we wish we
knew or maybe things that wewish people had said to us while
we were drinking.
I believe that my path is mypath and it's unfolded the way
it's supposed to but it's moreof a curiosity.
Like I was thinking the otherday I wonder if I knew this
(01:07):
thing back then, if I would havequit sooner.
So I don't know.
Welcome guys.
Let's chat.
Hey.
Hey.
I think this is a great topic.
When you suggested it forepisode topic, I was like, Ooh,
this is a really good one.
Yeah, sorry,
Tracey (01:25):
I thought you were going to go in and
Kelly (01:29):
just give me a moment to collect your thoughts because
yes, I thought there was morecoming.
Okay.
Yeah, so one of the big thingsthat I wonder if I had known
sooner is how it increasesanxiety, because my whole life,
it's no surprise.
(01:49):
But in my early 30s, I wasdiagnosed with an anxiety
disorder.
And I think I started drinkingmore after I got that diagnosis
slash label.
But because of that 1st, 20minutes it takes it away for 20
minutes, but I honestly didn'tknow that it made it worse.
Tracey (02:07):
I have that on my list here too.
That was my number 1 because Ididn't realize that either.
And as you girls know, that wasa big driver for me in the end.
I started realizing, and Mikehelped me out with that too,
because he had mentioned he quitdrinking before me that he
noticed his anxiety got betterwhen he stopped drinking.
(02:28):
I was having it every day and itwas something that I suffered
from in my 20s when I didn'tdrink.
That I didn't have it for years,and then as my drinking
increased, it came back with avengeance.
Then, like I said, it was, like,daily and for me, that was,
like, daily suffering, right?
To wake up every day feelinganxious.
(02:50):
So that ended up being a hugedriver for me.
To stop drinking, but I don'tknow what would have stopped me
had I known sooner if I wasn'texperiencing that anxiety right
away.
I wasn't experiencing it mywhole drinking career.
I only started experiencing itas my drinking increased.
(03:11):
Right.
Lindsey (03:12):
And it's even worse for me, I have been taking anxiety
medication since really reallyyoung 19, I was consuming
alcohol and using medication atthe same time, and I didn't put
it together.
First of all, that's not a goodcombination.
That is so unhealthy and it'snot safe to be doing that.
(03:33):
And I'm typically somebody thatfollows rules and listens to
doctors.
The bottle comes with do notconsume alcohol.
And I was just like, whatever,and for me, I noticed it a lot
the next day, the anxiety.
The morning after was off thecharts and it's the physical
(03:54):
symptoms of it the sweating, theracing heart, the feeling like
just sheer panic was horrible.
Did I know that alcohol added tothat?
And cause those symptoms.
Probably a little bit because ithappened every time I drank or
drank really heavily.
Did I know it from a scientificpoint of view and how it worked?
(04:18):
No
Tracey (04:19):
anxiety, right?
That's a term I've only learnedsince we've been doing this
podcast.
And even though the same thingwhen I was having it every
morning, like it was the morningafter.
Obviously, you're not having itduring because you're just
coming in.
Or numbing anything you'refeeling, but yeah, it's the
morning after it's the waking upand that's what you're left with
(04:41):
after all the chemical imbalanceyou've created in your head.
Lindsey (04:46):
And that's exhausting.
It's just absolutely exhaustingand embarrassing.
Kelly (04:49):
It was a cycle too.
I remember just like waiting forrelief so being so anxious
during the day and then knowingthat the relief was going to
come.
After the kids went to bed and Icracked open another bottle of
wine.
Yeah.
And then it's just that 20minutes of relief.
And the medication portion isreally important to Linds.
(05:10):
I'm glad you mentioned that.
Because yeah, we had an episodeabout that and it is serious.
It's something to seriouslyconsider.
So hopefully someone's listeningto this and takes That take away
if they're still drinking aswe're talking about things we
wish we knew.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
(05:31):
Another 1 that I thought of washow it destroys our gut and our
microbiome.
I've just not learned.
Yeah, I've learned so much withit.
And I did have an auto immunedisease which it was caused by
auto immune diseases are causedby inflammation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Destroying our gut with alcoholcauses inflammation in our body.
And that's where that anxietycan come from and depression can
(05:55):
come from.
And I had psoriasis, I hadGraves disease, so many things
were happening in my body thatdue to inflammation and alcohol
completely destroys the gut andthe microbiome.
Like you can't have a healthygut when you're consuming
alcohol.
A lot of the serotonin too comesfrom your gut.
That's what the research and alot of scientific studies and
(06:18):
articles say that serotonin, alot of people think it's a brain
chemical, but a lot of itoriginates in the gut.
So if you're pouring alcoholinto your body, guess what
you're also messing with.
If you're destroying your gutyeah, depression and anxiety can
be.
Heightened absolutely, or causedby, yeah.
(06:40):
Yeah,
Tracey (06:40):
I think even the fact that alcohol is poison, I didn't
realize that when I wasdrinking.
Yeah because it's, put out intothe world, like it has some sort
of health benefits.
I did not realize that it wasactually poison in my body until
doing this podcast and educatingmyself.
I didn't realize any of thosethings and stuff until I started
(07:03):
really educating myself,listening to other podcasts,
reading books associated withalcohol to really start
understanding the effects on thebody.
Kelly (07:13):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's something too.
I think I heard that right atthe very end.
Of, my drinking career when Iwas trying to still moderate and
find ways to keep it in my life,but I did hear that it does
cause cancer.
And it's a group a carcinogen,which is the same as asbestos
and cigarettes and, like it's inthat same group, it causes
(07:37):
cancer causes 7 different typesof cancer.
And we know that now, and that'seven moderate amounts.
It's not just heavy drinkers.
Lindsey (07:45):
Why do you think people ignore that though?
I'm even trying to think rightnow back to when I was drinking.
I knew that.
I knew that alcohol and cancerwere related, but why do you
think that people choose to justignore that and continue to
drink and consume it anyways?
Kelly (08:01):
I think it's marketed to us like Trace just said, it's
marketed to us like it'ssomething good to have in our
lives.
We have a lot of money to bemade.
People consuming alcohol andbeing addicted to society wants
us to drink it.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And I think it's lies.
We tell ourselves to justify,right?
Even smoking.
(08:22):
I used to smoke.
I knew when I smoked thatsmoking causes cancer, but I
still did it.
And it's an addiction.
It's because there's an elementof it that's addictive and
you're addicted to whether it bejust even the routine of it,
right?
If you're not physicallyaddicted.
Or the relief or whatever youfeel from it.
(08:46):
And again, it's that societalpressure that it's what's
everybody's doing and it's inevery social situation and
everything that you do.
It's so normalized.
Yeah.
And there's a saying out therethat recently, I just can't
stand hearing it, but everythingin moderation.
Yeah.
Really?
(09:06):
Everything in moderation?
Everything?
Even the stuff that might giveyou cancer?
Really?
It's the attitude towards that.
I don't, yeah.
Why would you put somethingCocaine in moderation?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh.
I, you know what?
One of the things that I wish Iwould have known about alcohol
or somebody would have talked tome about is how alone you feel.
(09:28):
Yeah.
Yeah.
When drinking goes from just asocial thing that you do a
couple times a year to somethingthat you do on the weekends,
like for me, it increased overtime.
I was never somebody thatpartied, especially in my early
twenties.
I was in school.
I was focused on university.
(09:48):
I was, doing all that kind ofstuff.
But I find that when I got outinto the real world, got the big
girl job, got my home, stufflike that, and life and stress
started piling up, it seemedlike the thing to do, like to go
out and unwind, or after workdrinks, or to have it with
dinner, or the weekend it wasthe way to relax.
(10:09):
And I think we always see,alcohol commercials don't, Have
people sitting alone on a couchwatching Netflix drinking their
product.
It's like you're at a socialgathering and you're at a
concert and you're having somuch fun.
But I really felt I felt alone.
I was like, I don't think ifpeople know how much I'm
actually drinking on weekendsbecause I'm doing it by myself
(10:31):
and I have to be by myself tokeep it a secret.
Because if people really knewhow much I was consuming, then
somebody might say to me, Hey,lens holy shit.
You've had two whole bottles ofwine tonight by yourself.
You can't even talk, and I thinkalcohol is a substance that
wants you to feel like you'restuck because then you have to
(10:51):
keep drinking it to keepstuffing down that feeling and
it wants you to keep consumingit and it wants you to be.
The furthest away from who youreally are, so there's that
disconnect because somebody whoknows and is aware of all these
things isn't going to put it intheir body, is how I feel.
All of us here, we've been onboth sides of it, I was a
(11:14):
weekend binge drinker.
I never drank every day, butwhen I drank on the weekends, I
drank a lot and it was wine andI feel like sometimes people
will be upset by things I saylike this or things that I post
on social media, but I'm like,I've experienced both sides of
it.
Not drinking for four years.
(11:36):
I'm like, holy shit.
I'm the most myself that I'veever been.
And people drink to loosen upand, just like you shared that
thing in our group just now,Tracey, you gain confidence, but
you're actually doing theopposite.
You have no confidence if you'reusing alcohol, if you need
something to quote unquote, beyourself, you're not being
(11:57):
yourself.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I felt so alone holy shit.
I know I have to stop drinkingor I have to moderate and I've
done it.
I went six months withoutdrinking, three months without
drinking.
And then I was like, see, Idon't have a problem, but I did
a lot of drinking by myself andI loved it.
(12:18):
I preferred to drink alonebecause I just felt, I don't
know.
Nobody was going to judge me.
No one was going to say anythingto me.
I would go to parties or familygatherings and be like, Oh my
God, is it time to leave yet?
I'm just going to go home andget a bottle of wine and just,
watch Netflix.
So I don't know.
And then when you get aroundpeople, if people find out.
(12:39):
That's when it's, everythingcomes to a halt because,, I
think yeah, alcohol does itsbest work on you when you're
doing it alone and by yourself.
And it wants you to feel thatway so that you keep drinking
it.
Tracey (12:52):
Yeah, that's a good point.
Kelly (12:54):
That's a good point.
So sad.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Tracey (13:01):
I had here that I wish when I was questioning my
drinking and trying to speak toother people about it, that
somebody would have validatedwhat I was feeling instead of
trying to make it seem like itwas normal by drinking.
Oh,
Kelly (13:16):
so what would you say just, I'm not comfortable with
my drinking or what would you,
Tracey (13:21):
I would just be saying like, wow, I think I'm drinking
too much, I keep having wineduring the week, blah, blah,
blah.
And my friends at the time wereall like, ah, no, I do that too.
Lindsey (13:34):
Did you actually ask other people or did you actually
say something out loud tosomebody?
Tracey (13:38):
Yeah I would say I'd talk about it openly, or I would
even talk about mommy wineculture.
Yeah I would talk about the factthat I feel like, drinking is
getting bad for women.
Yeah.
And, I feel like I'm a part ofthat.
And why is that, and I think Ishould be concerned about my
drinking and then people wouldjust be like, no, I didn't who
(14:02):
doesn't drink wine, blah, blah,blah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, I probably wasn'tasking the right people but I
maybe gone to you, Kel, becauseyou had stopped drinking before
me and had those conversations.
I'm sure you.
Would have enlightened me andvalidated how I was feeling and
told me it was normal to feelthat way about my drinking and
(14:24):
that maybe I need to assess myrelationship with alcohol.
Lindsey (14:28):
I think you know.
You're asking those questionsbecause something inside of you
is going, alarm bells, we can'tdo this anymore.
This isn't you.
And I think that could be also anegative, like relying on
outside people to validate whatyou already know.
I think talking about it outloud helps you process it.
But even people who really careabout you, like your health and
(14:49):
wellbeing and they want you tobe around and they want you to
be healthy I think sometimesyou're right, asking the right
people, if you're hanging outwith people who would like to
drink with you and you make achange, that leaves them feeling
oh what am I going to do now?
Yeah.
But going back to what you saidtoo, Linz I did a lot of my
drinking alone as well.
(15:10):
Yeah.
So I think that was part of thefacade, was that people thought,
I didn't have a problem becauseI didn't really know how much I
was drinking.
I can.
Yeah, I agree with that.
Yeah.
I was never really out ofcontrol drunk, I really held my
alcohol.
So even if I was in socialsituations where a lot of
alcohol was consumed, or we werepartying per se.
(15:33):
Yeah, I still held myselftogether.
So I didn't come across to a lotof people like having a drinking
problem or, being a heavydrinker say even my close
friends, my best friend waslike, you never drank a lot
around me.
So I didn't think much of itbecause she doesn't drink.
So I would moderate my drinkingwhen I was with her.
(15:55):
But then I'd come home and drinkby myself.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, if I was at an event wherethere wasn't a lot of drinking,
I always went home and drank.
Or even at an event that Therewas a lot of drinking.
I'd finish the night off withmore drinking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Unlike a Tuesday night.
(16:15):
Yeah.
Wow.
One of the things I wonder if Iwish I had known how much more
clarity in general I would have,I was in my thirties.
Super ambitious career wise, andthere was stuff that I would get
stuck on personal developmenttype stuff.
(16:35):
And yeah, if I wasn't drinking,I wouldn't have had those
problems.
But that's the bottom line.
It kept me stuck in areas and itkept me dragging my ass.
Yeah yeah.
Yeah.
Tracey (16:47):
In relation to that, Kel, I had.
I wish I knew how much preciouswasted energy and potential that
it took for me.
Because, I'm thriving now inlife, but I feel like a bit of a
late bloomer, right?
I feel like it held me back.
What could I have accomplishedearlier had I not been drinking?
(17:08):
I always have that question tomyself now
Kelly (17:12):
and I didn't want to do this topic like to dwell or, do
all of that.
I get what you're saying traceto yeah, it's, it makes me sad
sometimes to think of what Istruggled with because of
alcohol.
For myself I think my path wasmy path.
It happened exactly the way itwas supposed to happen.
I stopped drinking at 43, andIt's yeah, late bloomer, we call
(17:34):
it, but maybe that's just, Ifeel like we're both going to be
50 this year.
So we're just getting startedwith this beautiful life.
Tracey (17:40):
Hey, not that I feel bad about it because I got there.
Yes.
That is one of the things Ithink about, as far as I wish I
had a known how much time I wasreally wasting or energy I was
putting into that.
And I've said before for me, Iknew it was eating out my
motivation and I have alwaysbeen a motivated driven person
(18:03):
and it took that part of me awaytemporarily.
Kelly (18:07):
Yeah.
Lindsey (18:08):
I feel like I wish I would have known it was okay to
not drink.
Yes! You know what I mean?
I broke that for like my numberone thing.
Ah! Like it was okay to say noand no thank you.
And you actually, sorry.
No.
Go.
You actually don't need it foranything.
(18:29):
And I thought I needed it tosocialize.
I thought I needed it to havefun.
I thought I needed it to relax.
I thought I needed it tocelebrate.
And now I know I didn't need itfor any of those things.
You don't need it in your lifefor anything.
I know.
That's what I wish.
I wish I would have known thatsaying no was okay and it was
the thing and you.
Don't have to drink, but thenit's like you think what am I
(18:51):
going to do for fun or everybodyelse is drinking or what are
people going to think about me?
Who cares, it just goes back towhat we're saying earlier, how
ingrained it is in us.
It's so marketed to us that itis part of what we do.
And that's what kept me stuck toall of this is just reminding
me, it's taking me back to thesocial circles that I was in and
(19:11):
the types of events that I wasgoing to and looking at towards
the end.
When I was already in that selfloathing waking up with the
anxiety and, just reallybreaking all these promises to
myself about moderation andstuff like that.
It just reminds me of lookingaround and being like, are all
of these, and it was women,mostly that was around, are all
(19:31):
these women waking up tomorrowand hating themselves too?
Do they all feel this way aboutthemselves?
Why can't I figure this out?
How come they can all drink?
They seem to be doing great.
And I didn't feel like I was,and that's right now I see that
now when I was in it, I didn'tsee that.
But yeah, of course, some ofthem weren't.
And a lot of people wereprobably looking at me in the
(19:52):
same category.
Cause I look like I had my shittogether.
Tracey (19:57):
How many of those women were going home and drinking
more, right?
Kelly (20:00):
Exactly.
Yeah, I know.
I wasn't the only one.
I know that now, but that's likethat lonely feeling you're
talking about.
I had that too.
That is my whole motivation whyI decided to share about this so
publicly in the first placebecause I really felt like I was
the only one that felt that way.
Now I know that's not truebecause my gosh, this podcast,
we've met so many people andI've got you guys and yeah.
(20:23):
I wish I would have known thatthe truth of what it was didn't
align with who I wanted to be.
I was always working towardsbeing physically fit, and I
wanted clear skin, and I wantedto just shine, and I wanted to
do well at work, and when Ithink about all the things that
I wanted a great marriage, and Iwanted to be, with an amazing
(20:45):
person and have this amazingpartnership with somebody, but
all of that.
All those things that I wanted,I actually was the opposite when
I was drinking, I was breakingout and had the worst skin of my
life.
I was so out of shape and justhad so much body fat, puffiness,
inflammation all over.
(21:05):
I was trying to go to the gymand drink, smoothies and eat
well, but After a night of bingedrinking, I'm eating crap, and
I'm saying and doing things thatare so far from who I am as a
person, and who I want to be, infront of others, it just was
like, such a disconnection, butyet I thought at the time,
(21:29):
Drinking was something that wasgonna make me feel more free and
it was cool and I could relaxand I could de stress, but I was
actually causing myself morestress because I was doing and
saying things and looking acertain way, the opposite of
what I actually wanted.
I just wish I knew thatsubstance just didn't align with
(21:52):
the life that I wanted formyself and who I wanted to be as
a person and who I knew I wasdeep down.
That was your intuition tellingyou that.
Crazy.
Yeah.
It was hard to give it up.
Isn't that crazy?
I know.
God.
I know, I wish I understood thatit wasn't aligning with the
healthy lifestyle.
(22:12):
I was trying to create either.
But again, it goes back to we'resold this idea that it has
health benefits and that it'snormal, especially wine.
Or that it's glamorous, right?
Yeah.
As you're, you're counteractingall your hard work in other
areas of life every time you'rehaving a drink.
The going to the gym, the greensmoothies, the keeping your
(22:36):
nutrition in check.
And then 8 p.
m.
rolls around slugging a bottleof wine, yeah, and washing it
all down with that bag of Lays.
Hello.
Yeah, no, that's so true.
Yeah, I can so relate to that,Trace.
(22:58):
Yeah, I went to the gym almostevery single day.
Even when my kids were likelittle babies and toddlers, I'd
drag them to the gym and startit with the smoothie, make them
healthy meals to make our wholefamily healthy meals.
And then 8 PM rolled around andlet's put that toxic.
Chemical and fatty, fatty foodand they're crazy, but yeah,
(23:19):
there's something about that.
When your intuition is tellingyou you've got two different
things going on and your soul,your intuition is saying this is
what you want.
This is what's for you.
This is your path.
And then you do the opposite ofthat.
You're completely abandoningyourself.
And I think that's where so muchof the suffering and so much of
(23:39):
the struggle comes from is thatyou knowing deep down how you're
abandoning yourself.
And then that pain is so greatthat you numb it with the
substance.
It's a true internal conflict,really.
It is.
For me, it was.
Yes.
I'm thinking why would I do thatto myself?
Maybe I didn't think I deservedit.
(23:59):
I deserved the life that Iwanted or the partner that I
wanted or the, yeah, the personthat I wanted to be because
yeah, you're right.
You're treating yourself like agarbage can and that's not
something you would do tosomebody that you actually
loved.
Yeah.
Tracey (24:15):
Like self sabotage, right?
Kelly (24:17):
Yeah, at the deserved level, I think Lindsay's got
something there.
Tracey (24:20):
Yeah, I agree with you, Linds, and I think that comes
from our childhood trauma.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
For sure.
I would agree with that.
I could tell you that I thinkfor sure there was, sometimes I
felt like I've intentionallyheld myself back in life,
because I've been my own worstenemy.
(24:41):
And using alcohol being 1 ofthose things, exactly from what
you're saying that in thatperiod of my life, I didn't feel
I deserved it.
Yeah.
I didn't feel worthy of it orout of fear.
We talk about fear a lot fearthat.
If I went after what I wanted,maybe I wasn't going to be
successful or fail or, so yes.
(25:04):
Yeah, and it goes back to theconfidence piece too.
Yeah.
Self esteem.
Yeah, that we gain, thankfully,after we stop drinking.
Yeah, as we reconnect and get intune with ourselves.
Kelly (25:18):
I don't regret it though.
That's the funny thing.
I don't have any regrets.
No, I don't regret it because Ifeel like I needed to go through
all of that.
Yes.
Tracey (25:29):
Yeah, I don't regret the path either.
I regret some of the decisions Imade along the way, although I
do think or question.
Could I had more success soonerif I wasn't drinking?
Yes.
But I don't regret the fact thatI did or that it, I got to where
I am now at this time, because Ithink everything's about timing
Lindsey (25:53):
Yes.
Tracey (25:53):
And who's to say that I would have been ready for
certain things at a differenttime in my life.
And all the things that I'vegained and learned through the
experience of drinking and thenstop drinking I would never have
those life experiences withoutdoing that.
Yeah, for sure.
(26:14):
Or the knowledge we have now,that we're fortunate enough to
be sharing with other people.
Are in the same or similar placewe were at yeah.
Kelly (26:24):
And I guess the motivation behind this topic
was, maybe somebody will hearsomething that will help them
get unstuck sooner, sooner thanif they didn't hear it.
Yeah, we'll do that already.
Exactly.
Tracey (26:39):
I wanted to mention because this is something that I
think people do need to be awareof and I've seen it recently in
a lot of posts from people inour community.
That people should understandthat the hardest part of not
drinking is not the notdrinking.
It's the sitting with yourfeelings and processing them.
That is truly the hard part andthe hard work.
(27:02):
It's not having the drink.
It's so true.
Lindsey (27:06):
As I sit here and try to process what you just said, I
feel like, yeah drinkingdefinitely made it, I don't want
to say easier, because Drinkingprolonged everything.
It actually made processingthings or learning things harder
because you just don't faceanything.
(27:28):
You just completely numb out andcheck out of reality and you
think that you're doing yourselfa favor.
by doing that, or that you'retaking the stress off but you're
actually just piling it on.
That's something that I wish Iwould have known, or somebody
would have said to me this isn'tgonna help you relax, it's not
gonna help you de stress, it'snot gonna help you be a better
(27:50):
person.
You're self sabotaging yourself.
And I really, I had control overone decision, it was Not having
that first drink because if Ihad that first drink, I was
having more it was hard to sayno to more after that first
drink, yeah and a lot of times Iwas okay not having the one
(28:10):
drink, not having the firstdrink, but I knew enough that if
I had one, it wasn't just goingto be one drink.
Tracey (28:18):
Yeah, I think we all have that problem.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kelly (28:21):
Yeah.
Yeah,
Tracey (28:23):
that's why we're here today.
Kelly (28:25):
Yeah.
But I'm still like that withcoffee like why would somebody
drink a cup of coffee?
Yeah.
I love coffee.
Tracey (28:38):
I love coffee too.
Kelly (28:41):
Going back to what we were just saying about trauma,
right?
I'm sure I've shared this on thepodcast before, but just in case
somebody's listening thinkingabout trauma, I had a really
good analogy from my therapistonce.
And she said, trauma is like,there's this hole in the ground.
It's a hole and it's there andit's going to stay there until
(29:03):
you look at it and deal with it.
But what we do instead is westart to build a platform.
So we build our life and webuild our platform over top.
And, maybe sometimes if thathole underneath starts to bother
us, or we think about it, wedrink.
But then we continue to buildthis platform and build this
life.
But meanwhile, that holeunderneath still there.
(29:26):
It's bigger.
And, eventually the wholebecomes bigger than the
platform.
And that's when that's whathappened with me.
Okay, nice platform, but you gotto deal with this thing.
Yeah,
Tracey (29:41):
sinks inside the hole.
Just so people, if they're notwatching the video, they'll get
a visual
Kelly (29:49):
of what you're saying there.
Sorry, I'm using my hands.
Yeah, you're using your hands.
This is a podcast.
Yeah.
But that helped me a lot tounderstand that it doesn't go
anywhere.
Tracey (30:00):
it's a great analogy.
It's so true.
Yeah.
And what you said is true too,Linz.
It does take longer to process.
It really does.
Kelly (30:08):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When you were saying that I wasthinking like, it's in the
moment, in that short momentwhere it feels uncomfortable,
it's easier to drink, but you'recompounding, what compounds from
that is, is disastrous really.
Yeah.
I saw something online thatsaid, beware of things or
(30:31):
substances that cause Instantdopamine hits with little
effort.
You have to be really cautiouswith those things.
Yes.
And that is alcohol.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
So I'm curious.
Do you guys think that there'sanything that anybody could have
(30:51):
said to you along the way?
I feel like you did havesomebody in your life, your
previous relationship where itwas talked about, like I didn't
have any of that.
So sometimes, I think, wow, I'mcurious to know, if somebody had
said something to me or saidgirl, you are just.
(31:12):
Are you sure you want to drinklike this?
Are you sure you want to havethat drink?
It's last call and you'reordering two more drinks.
Like really?
I'm curious.
What do you guys think?
Could anybody have said anythingto you?
Do you think that would havebeen like, Whoa, okay.
Maybe I need to reign it in.
Tracey (31:29):
I think if someone I cared about had that
conversation with me, I wouldhave taken it to heart.
Say Randy had that conversationwith me.
Or even, if somebody reached outand they were struggling and
said, I need your help, will youdo this with me?
I think those type of thingswould have motivated me for
(31:50):
sure.
I can't go back in time and havethat happen, but I think it
would.
I think it would have affectedme or say if Maddie said
something to me.
I definitely think that.
I would've Yeah.
Taken it to heart.
And I kinda get stubborn aboutthat stuff too.
Yeah.
I have a stubborn I wonder if Iwould've gotten defensive Yeah.
(32:10):
About it.
Oh really?
You think I have a drinkingproblem?
I'll show you and I won't drink.
I can get like on the flip sideof that really quick.
Yes.
Just to prove a point to behonest with you.
Yeah don't tell me what to do.
Okay.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't take well to being toldwhat to do.
Yeah.
So anyways, so yeah, I feel likefor that reason.
(32:34):
I probably would have maybe ifsomebody said
Kelly (32:36):
yeah, that's a good point.
Maddie, I feel like 1 of my kidshad said something to me.
Probably not.
Nobody could have said anythingto me while I was drinking on a
drinking night, whatever, maybethe next morning if a friend
caught you when you'revulnerable?
Yeah.
With some anxiety?
Maybe.
Feeling shame and guilt.
(32:57):
In a gentle, really gentle way.
I'm worried about you.
That kind of thing, that wouldprobably.
Or I know who you are.
This isn't.
This isn't you.
That's a good one.
Oh, yeah.
So maybe somebody's listeningthat knows somebody that they
want to say something to.
And those, I would say, yeah,like that would be being gentle
(33:21):
and saying this is not you.
This is not you.
This is not you.
But that's the thing.
I had a previous partner saywhoa, last night was ridiculous.
I would just feel shame andguilt and utter embarrassment
and humiliation.
I wanted to crawl in a hole anddie and just be like, I didn't
(33:42):
do that.
Or Oh my God, I wasn't that bad.
Was I?
But it was ridiculous.
I think if, yeah, if anybody'slistening, you just approach it
super gentle, but just.
Also, try to point out thepositives of the person like,
Hey, I know who you really aredeep down and what you're doing
to yourself it doesn't alignwith who you are, you're acting
(34:04):
really out of character and Eventhe health effects, the gut
stuff, the brain stuff, what itdoes to your cells, what it does
to your brain, actual brainmatter.
There's a lot of stuff that goeson, especially when you're binge
drinking, it's so dangerous.
And that person might alreadyknow that, right?
(34:24):
If somebody is wanting to talkto somebody I would say, yeah,
approach it.
Even if the person doesn't looklike they're full of shame.
Yeah.
And, guilt, then know that inyour mind, like they're probably
already feeling shame.
So shame can be a part of that.
No conversation.
Yeah,
Tracey (34:44):
I think you have to come at it.
From a place of love, right?
Yes, like in your situationLinds, you probably weren't
receptive to it because of howthat person approached it.
Because they were approaching itfrom more of a shame, exactly
that and almost using it as a.
Yeah, weapon against you.
(35:04):
Yes.
So it doesn't surprise me.
You probably had that fuck you.
I'm going to drink.
Yep.
Right to that approach.
So I always say, and I say thisto my team at work all the time
and I.
100 percent believe this, and Idon't know where it came from,
(35:25):
or I think it's just through,the experience of life that
everything is in your approach,how you want anybody to respond
to you is going to be based onhow you approach them.
Lindsey (35:37):
Repetition to sometimes, if different people
or telling you the same thing,or you hear it more than once,
maybe it is time to evaluate.
your relationship with alcohol.
If you're constantly runninginto issues with partners,
you're constantly getting intoarguments and fights and the
next day you have to repairdamage that you did.
(35:59):
If you are losing things likeyour wallet, your phone, your
keys, or there's injuries, theserepetitive things are there to
tell you something, right?
It's just a matter of time, howlong are you going to continue
ignoring these things, and justthink about how you feel, the
next day do you look back at thenight before and you're like,
(36:20):
I'm proud of the person I wasyesterday.
And if the answer is, if theanswer is no, you're not,
something's got to change.
I have to read you something.
Oh.
One of our listeners and myfriend sent this to me today,
and it said, Since I've beensober, not once have I looked in
the mirror and wanted to escapefrom the person looking back at
(36:41):
me.
Oh, I just got goosebumps andit's so true.
Oh God.
It really wasn't until, yeah, itreally wasn't until I realized
that I needed to get rid ofalcohol, that was going to be
(37:01):
the thing.
That changed my whole life.
It wasn't until that.
Yeah.
That I could also do that lookin the mirror and I wasn't like
shuddering to myself.
I didn't feel shame or I didn'tfeel embarrassment.
I like what I see.
I tell myself, I love you when Ilook in the mirror, whether it's
(37:21):
out loud or in my head I feellike you go, Hey girl, I think
you're right.
I do that, but yeah, cause I do,times drinking alcohol and just
oh, man, or the worst nextmorning, the worst, worse than
the mirror were photos and I'mnot talking just about the
(37:44):
physical because that was.
It was awful too, for me.
It was more like your, the eyesand you just are, I was, at
least me, I was not lookinggood.
I was not looking my best, OhGod, I've always been like take
my makeup off, before I went tobed, but those nights where I
didn't just waking up with thecrusty mascara and the in there
(38:06):
or falling asleep with contactsin my eyes, waking up in pain
and just, yeah, I don't eventhink I could look at myself in
the mirror to be honest.
Yeah.
I don't even think I would havebeen able to.
Yeah.
Thank goodness.
I'm just really glad that Idon't drink.
I know.
Me too.
It's a lot of reminiscing for metonight.
(38:27):
Yeah.
Very happy to be on the otherside of it.
And something, sorry Trace, justsomething that Lindsay said
reminded me you really have noidea of what's going to be on
the other side.
All of us can attest to the factthat it's But really you
couldn't have convinced me Iknew I had to quit drinking, but
(38:49):
nobody could have convinced methat it was going to be better.
I just couldn't stand myselfanymore.
So I have to convince me thatwas the issue.
Yeah, that was my first thing.
Yeah.
Until I got to the very end andwas like, I can't do this
anymore.
But I had no idea what was onthe other side.
I'm pretty sure my intuition wastelling me that my life was
going to change drastically andit did but yeah, I spent a lot
(39:12):
of my life trying to figureeverything out before it
happened and there's no point inthat, just trust, trust that
you're on a path, trust yourintuition.
What were you going to say,Trace?
Tracey (39:25):
No, I'm just going to say exactly what you girls are
saying, I said it many times andI'll say it to anybody I talk to
about this subject.
It's the best decision I evermade for myself.
Kelly (39:36):
Yep.
Everything followed thatdecision.
Zero regrets.
I can tell you that much.
It just amazes me every daygoing back to the clarity piece.
Just That, I never wake upfeeling that shame or guilt or,
and I'm coming from a placethat's authentically me.
(39:57):
I don't have those aftermathfeelings of, oh my God, why did
I say that to that person?
Why did I do that?
Or what did I say?
Yeah, that would.
Tracey (40:06):
I'm expressing myself in a way that doesn't feel like me
and I feel like I got toquestion everything about myself
and where did that come from?
Something I always respected andadmired about Randy when I met
him and I drank was the factthat he was never in an altered
state.
And now I get to be that personand I love it.
(40:29):
I love it.
I know what I'm doing every day.
I know where I'm coming from.
I'm confident in the decisionsI'm making and the feelings I'm
having.
And I know they're and they'recoming from a true authentic
place.
And what more could you ask for?
Kelly (40:44):
Yeah.
And those feelings.
Are not always easy.
No, like it's that trust in ourability to get through whatever
life throws at us, right?
We've all gone through reallytough things since we quit
drinking.
And, it's having that.
Proof that evidence.
Oh no, I don't, I never neededalcohol for this.
(41:06):
I can get through this thing andI can go to a wedding and I can
go to a funeral and I can, likeall of the things have happened
in our lives that we've beenable to do it clear headed and
completely present andourselves.
That's the best thing we get tobe ourselves.
Tracey (41:22):
And that's the thing, those feelings are tough, but
they're yours, and they're real,and they're raw, and you don't
have to question where they comefrom, because you know they've
come from truly what's insideyou, not from some sort of
altered state that you putyourself in.
Yeah, as tough as it is to dealwith them.
(41:45):
You can feel so much betterabout them because, it's coming
from a real place.
Kelly (41:50):
And on the other side of those things, like working
through those things is whereyou get confidence.
That's where true confidence,real self esteem comes from is
actually dealing with life andnot numbing it out.
Yes.
The consistency of doing thatand showing up for yourself and
handling things one at a time.
(42:12):
And as time goes on and you dothat more and more, you have
that confidence holy shit, I cando this.
I don't need this in my life.
And at first.
You feel like a, you're flailingin water and a baby, you don't
know what to do.
And oh my God, it can be scary,right?
It can be overwhelming, but youjust have to stay with it.
(42:33):
Try to stay calm through it andjust keep going because it gets
easier and you build confidenceas you go.
Tracey (42:42):
Yeah.
The more you do it or the moreyou experience that, as hard as
it is, every time youexperience.
Feelings that you have toprocess it does get easier and
you do get better at it and youget a better understanding of
yourself and you build thatconfidence and you feel
empowered
Lindsey (43:02):
so good.
Should we wrap up?
Does anybody have anything elseto say?
Or a thought that didn't getout?
No?
Yeah, I think I'm good too.
Everybody, that is a wrap onthis episode.
You can find us On Instagram atLAF Life Podcast and we have a
Facebook page as well with thesame name.
(43:22):
Don't forget to check out ourbrand new website, laflife
podcast.com, and we will be backhere next Tuesday with a brand
new episode.
So until then, you guys knowwhat to do.
Keep laughing.
Kelly (43:37):
Thank you for listening.
Please give us a five starrating like and subscribe, share
on social media and tell yourfriends.
We love getting your feedbackand ideas of what you'd like to
hear on upcoming episodes of theLAF life podcast.
If you yourself are livingalcohol free and want to share
your story here, please reachout.
Welcome to the LAF life podcast, a lifestyle podcast
based on living alcohol free anda booze soaked world.
My name is Kelly Evans andtogether with my friends, Tracey
Djordjevic, and Lindsay Harik.
We share uncensored.
Unscripted real conversationsabout what our lives have been
like since we ditched alcoholand how we got here by sharing
(00:24):
our individual stories.
We'll show you that there isn'tjust one way to do this, no
matter where you are on yourjourney from sober, curious to
years in recovery and everyonein between, you are welcome
here, no judgment and a ton ofsupport.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to the LAF Life podcast,Season 3, Episode 12.
(00:47):
Tonight, we are going to chatabout things that we wish we
knew or maybe things that wewish people had said to us while
we were drinking.
I believe that my path is mypath and it's unfolded the way
it's supposed to but it's moreof a curiosity.
Like I was thinking the otherday I wonder if I knew this
(01:07):
thing back then, if I would havequit sooner.
So I don't know.
Welcome guys.
Let's chat.
Hey.
Hey.
I think this is a great topic.
When you suggested it forepisode topic, I was like, Ooh,
this is a really good one.
Yeah, sorry,
Tracey (01:25):
I thought you were going to go in and
Kelly (01:29):
just give me a moment to collect your thoughts because
yes, I thought there was morecoming.
Okay.
Yeah, so one of the big thingsthat I wonder if I had known
sooner is how it increasesanxiety, because my whole life,
it's no surprise.
(01:49):
But in my early 30s, I wasdiagnosed with an anxiety
disorder.
And I think I started drinkingmore after I got that diagnosis
slash label.
But because of that 1st, 20minutes it takes it away for 20
minutes, but I honestly didn'tknow that it made it worse.
Tracey (02:07):
I have that on my list here too.
That was my number 1 because Ididn't realize that either.
And as you girls know, that wasa big driver for me in the end.
I started realizing, and Mikehelped me out with that too,
because he had mentioned he quitdrinking before me that he
noticed his anxiety got betterwhen he stopped drinking.
(02:28):
I was having it every day and itwas something that I suffered
from in my 20s when I didn'tdrink.
That I didn't have it for years,and then as my drinking
increased, it came back with avengeance.
Then, like I said, it was, like,daily and for me, that was,
like, daily suffering, right?
To wake up every day feelinganxious.
(02:50):
So that ended up being a hugedriver for me.
To stop drinking, but I don'tknow what would have stopped me
had I known sooner if I wasn'texperiencing that anxiety right
away.
I wasn't experiencing it mywhole drinking career.
I only started experiencing itas my drinking increased.
(03:11):
Right.
Lindsey (03:12):
And it's even worse for me, I have been taking anxiety
medication since really reallyyoung 19, I was consuming
alcohol and using medication atthe same time, and I didn't put
it together.
First of all, that's not a goodcombination.
That is so unhealthy and it'snot safe to be doing that.
(03:33):
And I'm typically somebody thatfollows rules and listens to
doctors.
The bottle comes with do notconsume alcohol.
And I was just like, whatever,and for me, I noticed it a lot
the next day, the anxiety.
The morning after was off thecharts and it's the physical
(03:54):
symptoms of it the sweating, theracing heart, the feeling like
just sheer panic was horrible.
Did I know that alcohol added tothat?
And cause those symptoms.
Probably a little bit because ithappened every time I drank or
drank really heavily.
Did I know it from a scientificpoint of view and how it worked?
(04:18):
No
Tracey (04:19):
anxiety, right?
That's a term I've only learnedsince we've been doing this
podcast.
And even though the same thingwhen I was having it every
morning, like it was the morningafter.
Obviously, you're not having itduring because you're just
coming in.
Or numbing anything you'refeeling, but yeah, it's the
morning after it's the waking upand that's what you're left with
(04:41):
after all the chemical imbalanceyou've created in your head.
Lindsey (04:46):
And that's exhausting.
It's just absolutely exhaustingand embarrassing.
Kelly (04:49):
It was a cycle too.
I remember just like waiting forrelief so being so anxious
during the day and then knowingthat the relief was going to
come.
After the kids went to bed and Icracked open another bottle of
wine.
Yeah.
And then it's just that 20minutes of relief.
And the medication portion isreally important to Linds.
(05:10):
I'm glad you mentioned that.
Because yeah, we had an episodeabout that and it is serious.
It's something to seriouslyconsider.
So hopefully someone's listeningto this and takes That take away
if they're still drinking aswe're talking about things we
wish we knew.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
(05:31):
Another 1 that I thought of washow it destroys our gut and our
microbiome.
I've just not learned.
Yeah, I've learned so much withit.
And I did have an auto immunedisease which it was caused by
auto immune diseases are causedby inflammation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Destroying our gut with alcoholcauses inflammation in our body.
And that's where that anxietycan come from and depression can
(05:55):
come from.
And I had psoriasis, I hadGraves disease, so many things
were happening in my body thatdue to inflammation and alcohol
completely destroys the gut andthe microbiome.
Like you can't have a healthygut when you're consuming
alcohol.
A lot of the serotonin too comesfrom your gut.
That's what the research and alot of scientific studies and
(06:18):
articles say that serotonin, alot of people think it's a brain
chemical, but a lot of itoriginates in the gut.
So if you're pouring alcoholinto your body, guess what
you're also messing with.
If you're destroying your gutyeah, depression and anxiety can
be.
Heightened absolutely, or causedby, yeah.
(06:40):
Yeah,
Tracey (06:40):
I think even the fact that alcohol is poison, I didn't
realize that when I wasdrinking.
Yeah because it's, put out intothe world, like it has some sort
of health benefits.
I did not realize that it wasactually poison in my body until
doing this podcast and educatingmyself.
I didn't realize any of thosethings and stuff until I started
(07:03):
really educating myself,listening to other podcasts,
reading books associated withalcohol to really start
understanding the effects on thebody.
Kelly (07:13):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's something too.
I think I heard that right atthe very end.
Of, my drinking career when Iwas trying to still moderate and
find ways to keep it in my life,but I did hear that it does
cause cancer.
And it's a group a carcinogen,which is the same as asbestos
and cigarettes and, like it's inthat same group, it causes
(07:37):
cancer causes 7 different typesof cancer.
And we know that now, and that'seven moderate amounts.
It's not just heavy drinkers.
Lindsey (07:45):
Why do you think people ignore that though?
I'm even trying to think rightnow back to when I was drinking.
I knew that.
I knew that alcohol and cancerwere related, but why do you
think that people choose to justignore that and continue to
drink and consume it anyways?
Kelly (08:01):
I think it's marketed to us like Trace just said, it's
marketed to us like it'ssomething good to have in our
lives.
We have a lot of money to bemade.
People consuming alcohol andbeing addicted to society wants
us to drink it.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And I think it's lies.
We tell ourselves to justify,right?
Even smoking.
(08:22):
I used to smoke.
I knew when I smoked thatsmoking causes cancer, but I
still did it.
And it's an addiction.
It's because there's an elementof it that's addictive and
you're addicted to whether it bejust even the routine of it,
right?
If you're not physicallyaddicted.
Or the relief or whatever youfeel from it.
(08:46):
And again, it's that societalpressure that it's what's
everybody's doing and it's inevery social situation and
everything that you do.
It's so normalized.
Yeah.
And there's a saying out therethat recently, I just can't
stand hearing it, but everythingin moderation.
Yeah.
Really?
(09:06):
Everything in moderation?
Everything?
Even the stuff that might giveyou cancer?
Really?
It's the attitude towards that.
I don't, yeah.
Why would you put somethingCocaine in moderation?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh.
I, you know what?
One of the things that I wish Iwould have known about alcohol
or somebody would have talked tome about is how alone you feel.
(09:28):
Yeah.
Yeah.
When drinking goes from just asocial thing that you do a
couple times a year to somethingthat you do on the weekends,
like for me, it increased overtime.
I was never somebody thatpartied, especially in my early
twenties.
I was in school.
I was focused on university.
(09:48):
I was, doing all that kind ofstuff.
But I find that when I got outinto the real world, got the big
girl job, got my home, stufflike that, and life and stress
started piling up, it seemedlike the thing to do, like to go
out and unwind, or after workdrinks, or to have it with
dinner, or the weekend it wasthe way to relax.
(10:09):
And I think we always see,alcohol commercials don't, Have
people sitting alone on a couchwatching Netflix drinking their
product.
It's like you're at a socialgathering and you're at a
concert and you're having somuch fun.
But I really felt I felt alone.
I was like, I don't think ifpeople know how much I'm
actually drinking on weekendsbecause I'm doing it by myself
(10:31):
and I have to be by myself tokeep it a secret.
Because if people really knewhow much I was consuming, then
somebody might say to me, Hey,lens holy shit.
You've had two whole bottles ofwine tonight by yourself.
You can't even talk, and I thinkalcohol is a substance that
wants you to feel like you'restuck because then you have to
(10:51):
keep drinking it to keepstuffing down that feeling and
it wants you to keep consumingit and it wants you to be.
The furthest away from who youreally are, so there's that
disconnect because somebody whoknows and is aware of all these
things isn't going to put it intheir body, is how I feel.
All of us here, we've been onboth sides of it, I was a
(11:14):
weekend binge drinker.
I never drank every day, butwhen I drank on the weekends, I
drank a lot and it was wine andI feel like sometimes people
will be upset by things I saylike this or things that I post
on social media, but I'm like,I've experienced both sides of
it.
Not drinking for four years.
(11:36):
I'm like, holy shit.
I'm the most myself that I'veever been.
And people drink to loosen upand, just like you shared that
thing in our group just now,Tracey, you gain confidence, but
you're actually doing theopposite.
You have no confidence if you'reusing alcohol, if you need
something to quote unquote, beyourself, you're not being
(11:57):
yourself.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I felt so alone holy shit.
I know I have to stop drinkingor I have to moderate and I've
done it.
I went six months withoutdrinking, three months without
drinking.
And then I was like, see, Idon't have a problem, but I did
a lot of drinking by myself andI loved it.
(12:18):
I preferred to drink alonebecause I just felt, I don't
know.
Nobody was going to judge me.
No one was going to say anythingto me.
I would go to parties or familygatherings and be like, Oh my
God, is it time to leave yet?
I'm just going to go home andget a bottle of wine and just,
watch Netflix.
So I don't know.
And then when you get aroundpeople, if people find out.
(12:39):
That's when it's, everythingcomes to a halt because,, I
think yeah, alcohol does itsbest work on you when you're
doing it alone and by yourself.
And it wants you to feel thatway so that you keep drinking
it.
Tracey (12:52):
Yeah, that's a good point.
Kelly (12:54):
That's a good point.
So sad.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Tracey (13:01):
I had here that I wish when I was questioning my
drinking and trying to speak toother people about it, that
somebody would have validatedwhat I was feeling instead of
trying to make it seem like itwas normal by drinking.
Oh,
Kelly (13:16):
so what would you say just, I'm not comfortable with
my drinking or what would you,
Tracey (13:21):
I would just be saying like, wow, I think I'm drinking
too much, I keep having wineduring the week, blah, blah,
blah.
And my friends at the time wereall like, ah, no, I do that too.
Lindsey (13:34):
Did you actually ask other people or did you actually
say something out loud tosomebody?
Tracey (13:38):
Yeah I would say I'd talk about it openly, or I would
even talk about mommy wineculture.
Yeah I would talk about the factthat I feel like, drinking is
getting bad for women.
Yeah.
And, I feel like I'm a part ofthat.
And why is that, and I think Ishould be concerned about my
drinking and then people wouldjust be like, no, I didn't who
(14:02):
doesn't drink wine, blah, blah,blah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, I probably wasn'tasking the right people but I
maybe gone to you, Kel, becauseyou had stopped drinking before
me and had those conversations.
I'm sure you.
Would have enlightened me andvalidated how I was feeling and
told me it was normal to feelthat way about my drinking and
(14:24):
that maybe I need to assess myrelationship with alcohol.
Lindsey (14:28):
I think you know.
You're asking those questionsbecause something inside of you
is going, alarm bells, we can'tdo this anymore.
This isn't you.
And I think that could be also anegative, like relying on
outside people to validate whatyou already know.
I think talking about it outloud helps you process it.
But even people who really careabout you, like your health and
(14:49):
wellbeing and they want you tobe around and they want you to
be healthy I think sometimesyou're right, asking the right
people, if you're hanging outwith people who would like to
drink with you and you make achange, that leaves them feeling
oh what am I going to do now?
Yeah.
But going back to what you saidtoo, Linz I did a lot of my
drinking alone as well.
(15:10):
Yeah.
So I think that was part of thefacade, was that people thought,
I didn't have a problem becauseI didn't really know how much I
was drinking.
I can.
Yeah, I agree with that.
Yeah.
I was never really out ofcontrol drunk, I really held my
alcohol.
So even if I was in socialsituations where a lot of
alcohol was consumed, or we werepartying per se.
(15:33):
Yeah, I still held myselftogether.
So I didn't come across to a lotof people like having a drinking
problem or, being a heavydrinker say even my close
friends, my best friend waslike, you never drank a lot
around me.
So I didn't think much of itbecause she doesn't drink.
So I would moderate my drinkingwhen I was with her.
(15:55):
But then I'd come home and drinkby myself.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, if I was at an event wherethere wasn't a lot of drinking,
I always went home and drank.
Or even at an event that Therewas a lot of drinking.
I'd finish the night off withmore drinking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Unlike a Tuesday night.
(16:15):
Yeah.
Wow.
One of the things I wonder if Iwish I had known how much more
clarity in general I would have,I was in my thirties.
Super ambitious career wise, andthere was stuff that I would get
stuck on personal developmenttype stuff.
(16:35):
And yeah, if I wasn't drinking,I wouldn't have had those
problems.
But that's the bottom line.
It kept me stuck in areas and itkept me dragging my ass.
Yeah yeah.
Yeah.
Tracey (16:47):
In relation to that, Kel, I had.
I wish I knew how much preciouswasted energy and potential that
it took for me.
Because, I'm thriving now inlife, but I feel like a bit of a
late bloomer, right?
I feel like it held me back.
What could I have accomplishedearlier had I not been drinking?
(17:08):
I always have that question tomyself now
Kelly (17:12):
and I didn't want to do this topic like to dwell or, do
all of that.
I get what you're saying traceto yeah, it's, it makes me sad
sometimes to think of what Istruggled with because of
alcohol.
For myself I think my path wasmy path.
It happened exactly the way itwas supposed to happen.
I stopped drinking at 43, andIt's yeah, late bloomer, we call
(17:34):
it, but maybe that's just, Ifeel like we're both going to be
50 this year.
So we're just getting startedwith this beautiful life.
Tracey (17:40):
Hey, not that I feel bad about it because I got there.
Yes.
That is one of the things Ithink about, as far as I wish I
had a known how much time I wasreally wasting or energy I was
putting into that.
And I've said before for me, Iknew it was eating out my
motivation and I have alwaysbeen a motivated driven person
(18:03):
and it took that part of me awaytemporarily.
Kelly (18:07):
Yeah.
Lindsey (18:08):
I feel like I wish I would have known it was okay to
not drink.
Yes! You know what I mean?
I broke that for like my numberone thing.
Ah! Like it was okay to say noand no thank you.
And you actually, sorry.
No.
Go.
You actually don't need it foranything.
(18:29):
And I thought I needed it tosocialize.
I thought I needed it to havefun.
I thought I needed it to relax.
I thought I needed it tocelebrate.
And now I know I didn't need itfor any of those things.
You don't need it in your lifefor anything.
I know.
That's what I wish.
I wish I would have known thatsaying no was okay and it was
the thing and you.
Don't have to drink, but thenit's like you think what am I
(18:51):
going to do for fun or everybodyelse is drinking or what are
people going to think about me?
Who cares, it just goes back towhat we're saying earlier, how
ingrained it is in us.
It's so marketed to us that itis part of what we do.
And that's what kept me stuck toall of this is just reminding
me, it's taking me back to thesocial circles that I was in and
(19:11):
the types of events that I wasgoing to and looking at towards
the end.
When I was already in that selfloathing waking up with the
anxiety and, just reallybreaking all these promises to
myself about moderation andstuff like that.
It just reminds me of lookingaround and being like, are all
of these, and it was women,mostly that was around, are all
(19:31):
these women waking up tomorrowand hating themselves too?
Do they all feel this way aboutthemselves?
Why can't I figure this out?
How come they can all drink?
They seem to be doing great.
And I didn't feel like I was,and that's right now I see that
now when I was in it, I didn'tsee that.
But yeah, of course, some ofthem weren't.
And a lot of people wereprobably looking at me in the
(19:52):
same category.
Cause I look like I had my shittogether.
Tracey (19:57):
How many of those women were going home and drinking
more, right?
Kelly (20:00):
Exactly.
Yeah, I know.
I wasn't the only one.
I know that now, but that's likethat lonely feeling you're
talking about.
I had that too.
That is my whole motivation whyI decided to share about this so
publicly in the first placebecause I really felt like I was
the only one that felt that way.
Now I know that's not truebecause my gosh, this podcast,
we've met so many people andI've got you guys and yeah.
(20:23):
I wish I would have known thatthe truth of what it was didn't
align with who I wanted to be.
I was always working towardsbeing physically fit, and I
wanted clear skin, and I wantedto just shine, and I wanted to
do well at work, and when Ithink about all the things that
I wanted a great marriage, and Iwanted to be, with an amazing
(20:45):
person and have this amazingpartnership with somebody, but
all of that.
All those things that I wanted,I actually was the opposite when
I was drinking, I was breakingout and had the worst skin of my
life.
I was so out of shape and justhad so much body fat, puffiness,
inflammation all over.
(21:05):
I was trying to go to the gymand drink, smoothies and eat
well, but After a night of bingedrinking, I'm eating crap, and
I'm saying and doing things thatare so far from who I am as a
person, and who I want to be, infront of others, it just was
like, such a disconnection, butyet I thought at the time,
(21:29):
Drinking was something that wasgonna make me feel more free and
it was cool and I could relaxand I could de stress, but I was
actually causing myself morestress because I was doing and
saying things and looking acertain way, the opposite of
what I actually wanted.
I just wish I knew thatsubstance just didn't align with
(21:52):
the life that I wanted formyself and who I wanted to be as
a person and who I knew I wasdeep down.
That was your intuition tellingyou that.
Crazy.
Yeah.
It was hard to give it up.
Isn't that crazy?
I know.
God.
I know, I wish I understood thatit wasn't aligning with the
healthy lifestyle.
(22:12):
I was trying to create either.
But again, it goes back to we'resold this idea that it has
health benefits and that it'snormal, especially wine.
Or that it's glamorous, right?
Yeah.
As you're, you're counteractingall your hard work in other
areas of life every time you'rehaving a drink.
The going to the gym, the greensmoothies, the keeping your
(22:36):
nutrition in check.
And then 8 p.
m.
rolls around slugging a bottleof wine, yeah, and washing it
all down with that bag of Lays.
Hello.
Yeah, no, that's so true.
Yeah, I can so relate to that,Trace.
(22:58):
Yeah, I went to the gym almostevery single day.
Even when my kids were likelittle babies and toddlers, I'd
drag them to the gym and startit with the smoothie, make them
healthy meals to make our wholefamily healthy meals.
And then 8 PM rolled around andlet's put that toxic.
Chemical and fatty, fatty foodand they're crazy, but yeah,
(23:19):
there's something about that.
When your intuition is tellingyou you've got two different
things going on and your soul,your intuition is saying this is
what you want.
This is what's for you.
This is your path.
And then you do the opposite ofthat.
You're completely abandoningyourself.
And I think that's where so muchof the suffering and so much of
(23:39):
the struggle comes from is thatyou knowing deep down how you're
abandoning yourself.
And then that pain is so greatthat you numb it with the
substance.
It's a true internal conflict,really.
It is.
For me, it was.
Yes.
I'm thinking why would I do thatto myself?
Maybe I didn't think I deservedit.
(23:59):
I deserved the life that Iwanted or the partner that I
wanted or the, yeah, the personthat I wanted to be because
yeah, you're right.
You're treating yourself like agarbage can and that's not
something you would do tosomebody that you actually
loved.
Yeah.
Tracey (24:15):
Like self sabotage, right?
Kelly (24:17):
Yeah, at the deserved level, I think Lindsay's got
something there.
Tracey (24:20):
Yeah, I agree with you, Linds, and I think that comes
from our childhood trauma.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
For sure.
I would agree with that.
I could tell you that I thinkfor sure there was, sometimes I
felt like I've intentionallyheld myself back in life,
because I've been my own worstenemy.
(24:41):
And using alcohol being 1 ofthose things, exactly from what
you're saying that in thatperiod of my life, I didn't feel
I deserved it.
Yeah.
I didn't feel worthy of it orout of fear.
We talk about fear a lot fearthat.
If I went after what I wanted,maybe I wasn't going to be
successful or fail or, so yes.
(25:04):
Yeah, and it goes back to theconfidence piece too.
Yeah.
Self esteem.
Yeah, that we gain, thankfully,after we stop drinking.
Yeah, as we reconnect and get intune with ourselves.
Kelly (25:18):
I don't regret it though.
That's the funny thing.
I don't have any regrets.
No, I don't regret it because Ifeel like I needed to go through
all of that.
Yes.
Tracey (25:29):
Yeah, I don't regret the path either.
I regret some of the decisions Imade along the way, although I
do think or question.
Could I had more success soonerif I wasn't drinking?
Yes.
But I don't regret the fact thatI did or that it, I got to where
I am now at this time, because Ithink everything's about timing
Lindsey (25:53):
Yes.
Tracey (25:53):
And who's to say that I would have been ready for
certain things at a differenttime in my life.
And all the things that I'vegained and learned through the
experience of drinking and thenstop drinking I would never have
those life experiences withoutdoing that.
Yeah, for sure.
(26:14):
Or the knowledge we have now,that we're fortunate enough to
be sharing with other people.
Are in the same or similar placewe were at yeah.
Kelly (26:24):
And I guess the motivation behind this topic
was, maybe somebody will hearsomething that will help them
get unstuck sooner, sooner thanif they didn't hear it.
Yeah, we'll do that already.
Exactly.
Tracey (26:39):
I wanted to mention because this is something that I
think people do need to be awareof and I've seen it recently in
a lot of posts from people inour community.
That people should understandthat the hardest part of not
drinking is not the notdrinking.
It's the sitting with yourfeelings and processing them.
That is truly the hard part andthe hard work.
(27:02):
It's not having the drink.
It's so true.
Lindsey (27:06):
As I sit here and try to process what you just said, I
feel like, yeah drinkingdefinitely made it, I don't want
to say easier, because Drinkingprolonged everything.
It actually made processingthings or learning things harder
because you just don't faceanything.
(27:28):
You just completely numb out andcheck out of reality and you
think that you're doing yourselfa favor.
by doing that, or that you'retaking the stress off but you're
actually just piling it on.
That's something that I wish Iwould have known, or somebody
would have said to me this isn'tgonna help you relax, it's not
gonna help you de stress, it'snot gonna help you be a better
(27:50):
person.
You're self sabotaging yourself.
And I really, I had control overone decision, it was Not having
that first drink because if Ihad that first drink, I was
having more it was hard to sayno to more after that first
drink, yeah and a lot of times Iwas okay not having the one
(28:10):
drink, not having the firstdrink, but I knew enough that if
I had one, it wasn't just goingto be one drink.
Tracey (28:18):
Yeah, I think we all have that problem.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kelly (28:21):
Yeah.
Yeah,
Tracey (28:23):
that's why we're here today.
Kelly (28:25):
Yeah.
But I'm still like that withcoffee like why would somebody
drink a cup of coffee?
Yeah.
I love coffee.
Tracey (28:38):
I love coffee too.
Kelly (28:41):
Going back to what we were just saying about trauma,
right?
I'm sure I've shared this on thepodcast before, but just in case
somebody's listening thinkingabout trauma, I had a really
good analogy from my therapistonce.
And she said, trauma is like,there's this hole in the ground.
It's a hole and it's there andit's going to stay there until
(29:03):
you look at it and deal with it.
But what we do instead is westart to build a platform.
So we build our life and webuild our platform over top.
And, maybe sometimes if thathole underneath starts to bother
us, or we think about it, wedrink.
But then we continue to buildthis platform and build this
life.
But meanwhile, that holeunderneath still there.
(29:26):
It's bigger.
And, eventually the wholebecomes bigger than the
platform.
And that's when that's whathappened with me.
Okay, nice platform, but you gotto deal with this thing.
Yeah,
Tracey (29:41):
sinks inside the hole.
Just so people, if they're notwatching the video, they'll get
a visual
Kelly (29:49):
of what you're saying there.
Sorry, I'm using my hands.
Yeah, you're using your hands.
This is a podcast.
Yeah.
But that helped me a lot tounderstand that it doesn't go
anywhere.
Tracey (30:00):
it's a great analogy.
It's so true.
Yeah.
And what you said is true too,Linz.
It does take longer to process.
It really does.
Kelly (30:08):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When you were saying that I wasthinking like, it's in the
moment, in that short momentwhere it feels uncomfortable,
it's easier to drink, but you'recompounding, what compounds from
that is, is disastrous really.
Yeah.
I saw something online thatsaid, beware of things or
(30:31):
substances that cause Instantdopamine hits with little
effort.
You have to be really cautiouswith those things.
Yes.
And that is alcohol.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
So I'm curious.
Do you guys think that there'sanything that anybody could have
(30:51):
said to you along the way?
I feel like you did havesomebody in your life, your
previous relationship where itwas talked about, like I didn't
have any of that.
So sometimes, I think, wow, I'mcurious to know, if somebody had
said something to me or saidgirl, you are just.
(31:12):
Are you sure you want to drinklike this?
Are you sure you want to havethat drink?
It's last call and you'reordering two more drinks.
Like really?
I'm curious.
What do you guys think?
Could anybody have said anythingto you?
Do you think that would havebeen like, Whoa, okay.
Maybe I need to reign it in.
Tracey (31:29):
I think if someone I cared about had that
conversation with me, I wouldhave taken it to heart.
Say Randy had that conversationwith me.
Or even, if somebody reached outand they were struggling and
said, I need your help, will youdo this with me?
I think those type of thingswould have motivated me for
(31:50):
sure.
I can't go back in time and havethat happen, but I think it
would.
I think it would have affectedme or say if Maddie said
something to me.
I definitely think that.
I would've Yeah.
Taken it to heart.
And I kinda get stubborn aboutthat stuff too.
Yeah.
I have a stubborn I wonder if Iwould've gotten defensive Yeah.
(32:10):
About it.
Oh really?
You think I have a drinkingproblem?
I'll show you and I won't drink.
I can get like on the flip sideof that really quick.
Yes.
Just to prove a point to behonest with you.
Yeah don't tell me what to do.
Okay.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't take well to being toldwhat to do.
Yeah.
So anyways, so yeah, I feel likefor that reason.
(32:34):
I probably would have maybe ifsomebody said
Kelly (32:36):
yeah, that's a good point.
Maddie, I feel like 1 of my kidshad said something to me.
Probably not.
Nobody could have said anythingto me while I was drinking on a
drinking night, whatever, maybethe next morning if a friend
caught you when you'revulnerable?
Yeah.
With some anxiety?
Maybe.
Feeling shame and guilt.
(32:57):
In a gentle, really gentle way.
I'm worried about you.
That kind of thing, that wouldprobably.
Or I know who you are.
This isn't.
This isn't you.
That's a good one.
Oh, yeah.
So maybe somebody's listeningthat knows somebody that they
want to say something to.
And those, I would say, yeah,like that would be being gentle
(33:21):
and saying this is not you.
This is not you.
This is not you.
But that's the thing.
I had a previous partner saywhoa, last night was ridiculous.
I would just feel shame andguilt and utter embarrassment
and humiliation.
I wanted to crawl in a hole anddie and just be like, I didn't
(33:42):
do that.
Or Oh my God, I wasn't that bad.
Was I?
But it was ridiculous.
I think if, yeah, if anybody'slistening, you just approach it
super gentle, but just.
Also, try to point out thepositives of the person like,
Hey, I know who you really aredeep down and what you're doing
to yourself it doesn't alignwith who you are, you're acting
(34:04):
really out of character and Eventhe health effects, the gut
stuff, the brain stuff, what itdoes to your cells, what it does
to your brain, actual brainmatter.
There's a lot of stuff that goeson, especially when you're binge
drinking, it's so dangerous.
And that person might alreadyknow that, right?
(34:24):
If somebody is wanting to talkto somebody I would say, yeah,
approach it.
Even if the person doesn't looklike they're full of shame.
Yeah.
And, guilt, then know that inyour mind, like they're probably
already feeling shame.
So shame can be a part of that.
No conversation.
Yeah,
Tracey (34:44):
I think you have to come at it.
From a place of love, right?
Yes, like in your situationLinds, you probably weren't
receptive to it because of howthat person approached it.
Because they were approaching itfrom more of a shame, exactly
that and almost using it as a.
Yeah, weapon against you.
(35:04):
Yes.
So it doesn't surprise me.
You probably had that fuck you.
I'm going to drink.
Yep.
Right to that approach.
So I always say, and I say thisto my team at work all the time
and I.
100 percent believe this, and Idon't know where it came from,
(35:25):
or I think it's just through,the experience of life that
everything is in your approach,how you want anybody to respond
to you is going to be based onhow you approach them.
Lindsey (35:37):
Repetition to sometimes, if different people
or telling you the same thing,or you hear it more than once,
maybe it is time to evaluate.
your relationship with alcohol.
If you're constantly runninginto issues with partners,
you're constantly getting intoarguments and fights and the
next day you have to repairdamage that you did.
(35:59):
If you are losing things likeyour wallet, your phone, your
keys, or there's injuries, theserepetitive things are there to
tell you something, right?
It's just a matter of time, howlong are you going to continue
ignoring these things, and justthink about how you feel, the
next day do you look back at thenight before and you're like,
(36:20):
I'm proud of the person I wasyesterday.
And if the answer is, if theanswer is no, you're not,
something's got to change.
I have to read you something.
Oh.
One of our listeners and myfriend sent this to me today,
and it said, Since I've beensober, not once have I looked in
the mirror and wanted to escapefrom the person looking back at
(36:41):
me.
Oh, I just got goosebumps andit's so true.
Oh God.
It really wasn't until, yeah, itreally wasn't until I realized
that I needed to get rid ofalcohol, that was going to be
(37:01):
the thing.
That changed my whole life.
It wasn't until that.
Yeah.
That I could also do that lookin the mirror and I wasn't like
shuddering to myself.
I didn't feel shame or I didn'tfeel embarrassment.
I like what I see.
I tell myself, I love you when Ilook in the mirror, whether it's
(37:21):
out loud or in my head I feellike you go, Hey girl, I think
you're right.
I do that, but yeah, cause I do,times drinking alcohol and just
oh, man, or the worst nextmorning, the worst, worse than
the mirror were photos and I'mnot talking just about the
(37:44):
physical because that was.
It was awful too, for me.
It was more like your, the eyesand you just are, I was, at
least me, I was not lookinggood.
I was not looking my best, OhGod, I've always been like take
my makeup off, before I went tobed, but those nights where I
didn't just waking up with thecrusty mascara and the in there
(38:06):
or falling asleep with contactsin my eyes, waking up in pain
and just, yeah, I don't eventhink I could look at myself in
the mirror to be honest.
Yeah.
I don't even think I would havebeen able to.
Yeah.
Thank goodness.
I'm just really glad that Idon't drink.
I know.
Me too.
It's a lot of reminiscing for metonight.
(38:27):
Yeah.
Very happy to be on the otherside of it.
And something, sorry Trace, justsomething that Lindsay said
reminded me you really have noidea of what's going to be on
the other side.
All of us can attest to the factthat it's But really you
couldn't have convinced me Iknew I had to quit drinking, but
(38:49):
nobody could have convinced methat it was going to be better.
I just couldn't stand myselfanymore.
So I have to convince me thatwas the issue.
Yeah, that was my first thing.
Yeah.
Until I got to the very end andwas like, I can't do this
anymore.
But I had no idea what was onthe other side.
I'm pretty sure my intuition wastelling me that my life was
going to change drastically andit did but yeah, I spent a lot
(39:12):
of my life trying to figureeverything out before it
happened and there's no point inthat, just trust, trust that
you're on a path, trust yourintuition.
What were you going to say,Trace?
Tracey (39:25):
No, I'm just going to say exactly what you girls are
saying, I said it many times andI'll say it to anybody I talk to
about this subject.
It's the best decision I evermade for myself.
Kelly (39:36):
Yep.
Everything followed thatdecision.
Zero regrets.
I can tell you that much.
It just amazes me every daygoing back to the clarity piece.
Just That, I never wake upfeeling that shame or guilt or,
and I'm coming from a placethat's authentically me.
(39:57):
I don't have those aftermathfeelings of, oh my God, why did
I say that to that person?
Why did I do that?
Or what did I say?
Yeah, that would.
Tracey (40:06):
I'm expressing myself in a way that doesn't feel like me
and I feel like I got toquestion everything about myself
and where did that come from?
Something I always respected andadmired about Randy when I met
him and I drank was the factthat he was never in an altered
state.
And now I get to be that personand I love it.
(40:29):
I love it.
I know what I'm doing every day.
I know where I'm coming from.
I'm confident in the decisionsI'm making and the feelings I'm
having.
And I know they're and they'recoming from a true authentic
place.
And what more could you ask for?
Kelly (40:44):
Yeah.
And those feelings.
Are not always easy.
No, like it's that trust in ourability to get through whatever
life throws at us, right?
We've all gone through reallytough things since we quit
drinking.
And, it's having that.
Proof that evidence.
Oh no, I don't, I never neededalcohol for this.
(41:06):
I can get through this thing andI can go to a wedding and I can
go to a funeral and I can, likeall of the things have happened
in our lives that we've beenable to do it clear headed and
completely present andourselves.
That's the best thing we get tobe ourselves.
Tracey (41:22):
And that's the thing, those feelings are tough, but
they're yours, and they're real,and they're raw, and you don't
have to question where they comefrom, because you know they've
come from truly what's insideyou, not from some sort of
altered state that you putyourself in.
Yeah, as tough as it is to dealwith them.
(41:45):
You can feel so much betterabout them because, it's coming
from a real place.
Kelly (41:50):
And on the other side of those things, like working
through those things is whereyou get confidence.
That's where true confidence,real self esteem comes from is
actually dealing with life andnot numbing it out.
Yes.
The consistency of doing thatand showing up for yourself and
handling things one at a time.
(42:12):
And as time goes on and you dothat more and more, you have
that confidence holy shit, I cando this.
I don't need this in my life.
And at first.
You feel like a, you're flailingin water and a baby, you don't
know what to do.
And oh my God, it can be scary,right?
It can be overwhelming, but youjust have to stay with it.
(42:33):
Try to stay calm through it andjust keep going because it gets
easier and you build confidenceas you go.
Tracey (42:42):
Yeah.
The more you do it or the moreyou experience that, as hard as
it is, every time youexperience.
Feelings that you have toprocess it does get easier and
you do get better at it and youget a better understanding of
yourself and you build thatconfidence and you feel
empowered
Lindsey (43:02):
so good.
Should we wrap up?
Does anybody have anything elseto say?
Or a thought that didn't getout?
No?
Yeah, I think I'm good too.
Everybody, that is a wrap onthis episode.
You can find us On Instagram atLAF Life Podcast and we have a
Facebook page as well with thesame name.
(43:22):
Don't forget to check out ourbrand new website, laflife
podcast.com, and we will be backhere next Tuesday with a brand
new episode.
So until then, you guys knowwhat to do.
Keep laughing.
Kelly (43:37):
Thank you for listening.
Please give us a five starrating like and subscribe, share
on social media and tell yourfriends.
We love getting your feedbackand ideas of what you'd like to
hear on upcoming episodes of theLAF life podcast.
If you yourself are livingalcohol free and want to share
your story here, please reachout.
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