June 26, 2024 • 8 mins
In today's episode we discuss perfectionism and how to recover from this daunting and extremely exhausting trait.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
there's nothing about you thatis not good enough.
(00:02):
You are good enough because youare you.
And that it's just as simple asthat.
Happy Wednesday guys, or ifyou're listening to this at a
different time, wherever youfound this episode, whatever day
and time, happy whatever day itis.
This is Laning Imperfect.
I'm your host Jen Lander.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner and I wanted to
(00:25):
talk to you guys today aboutperfectionism.
I am a recovering Perfectionist.
I won't say fully recovered.
There are days and times where Istill will default to this type
of mindset.
And I have to be veryintentional about what I'm
doing.
So the goal here is this is avery brief episode, but we're
going to get into it.
(00:45):
come up with ways that thingsthat I have personally tried to
help, um, decrease some of thatoverwhelming, daunting, feel
trap and exhaustedperfectionism.
Cause that crap is not fun.
And if you're listening to thisand you're a perfectionist, you
know exactly what I'm talkingabout.
So we're going to try to breakthis down a little bit.
(01:06):
Um, so.
Perfectionism, it's not justabout wanting to do well.
Perfectionism is the belief thatanything less than perfect is a
failure.
So imagine your brain as asculptor's studio.
In someone's healthy mind thatisn't struggling with
perfectionism, the goal is tocreate a beautiful sculpture,
(01:27):
but flaws are seen asopportunities for improvement.
But in a perfectionist's aperfectionist's mind, the
slightest imperfection is areason to smash the sculpture
and start all over again.
So it's not, we're not, youknow, we're not looking for, oh
my gosh, this is imperfect, likeimperfect, you know, oh, look at
(01:49):
this beautiful opportunity andthis flaw here.
I could turn this into, youknow, Something else unique, you
know, about the, about thesculpture.
Nope.
It is, this is trash.
I can't stand it and I'mthrowing it on the floor and
we're, we're starting fromscratch, brand new.
There's been many times in mylife where I mean, I'm not a
sculptor, like, I, I would loveto be an artist, and people who
(02:11):
have ADHD are very, um, verycreative.
I have ADHD, so I know thatthere's a creative side to me.
My mom also has ADHD, and she issuch a great artist.
But I, that, somehow that, like,skipped me.
I don't know.
I can, I can draw stick figures,and I don't even think those are
that great.
So, anyways.
(02:33):
I'm totally going on, I'm goingoff script here.
But I, my whole point is I'vehad periods in my life where,
especially writing something,whether it's a homework
assignment or typing somethingup where I'm like, this is
trash.
And like, I don't just startfrom where I am or try to fix it
while I'm reading through.
It's like, nope, I'm startingall over again.
(02:55):
And I have absolutely,especially through middle
school, high school.
even elementary, where I wouldjust get so ticked off because
I'm like, this is not good.
This is so trash.
And I would rip, rip up whateverI was working on, which that's
also very discouraging.
I mean, It's just to be so hardon yourself, you know, and feel
(03:16):
like what you're doing is afailure is, it's just so
discouraging.
And I don't want anyone to feelthat way.
I certainly don't like to feelthat way.
And I don't like that anyoneelse is feeling that way.
So we are sticking together.
We're our people, and we're justgoing to figure out the ways
that can help us navigatethrough this.
Because the constant striving.
can have serious consequences.
(03:37):
It can cause anxiety,depression, and even social
isolation.
Um, I mean, those are all commonthings that we see with people
who struggle with perfectionism.
Anxiety has been a big part ofmy life and something that I
have worked very hard toovercome.
And I am pleased to say that I'min a much better place when it
comes to anxiety, because I veryintentionally found ways to help
(04:01):
decrease that anxiety.
And that's my goal, is to helpyou guys find those, those
things as well.
Um, so there's a couple thingsthat we could do.
So, number one, I want you tochallenge your inner critic.
Cause you know that thing isloud as heck.
So that voice in your head, um,it, like, it's not even
whispering.
It's pretty much yelling at youthat you're not good enough.
(04:23):
Challenge its authority.
Would you talk to a friend thatway?
Unless you're a pretty crappyfriend, which I really doubt
that.
There's no way that you'retelling your friend that they're
not good enough.
I mean, that's not a friend,right?
So talk to yourself the way thatyou would talk to a friend.
And I'm here to tell you.
You know, you, you absolutelyare good enough.
There's, there's nothing aboutyou that is not good enough.
(04:46):
You are good enough because youare you.
And that it's just as simple asthat.
So remind yourself of this andgive yourself some self
compassion because that'scrucial to, to progress.
Two, I want you to embrace thepower of good enough.
So instead of aiming for thatnon existent perfect, Set
(05:06):
realistic, achievable goals.
So think of it like climbing amountain, reaching the base camp
is still a success, even if thesummit is miles away.
So celebrate the little winsalong the way.
And that's the next thing I wantyou to celebrate the journey.
It's not the destination.
It's something that I've saidmultiple times in the past,
celebrate the journey.
(05:28):
Perfectionism focuses solely onthe final product.
So learn to appreciate.
The learning and growth thathappens along the way.
So this might even soundannoying or frustrating if
you're someone very heavily intoperfectionism and you're just
beginning your journey on this.
I understand.
I understand that it can feelvery annoying and maybe even a
(05:51):
little invalidating when I'mjust saying, Oh, you know,
celebrate the little wins alongthe way.
Well, I still want you to do itbecause I have done it and I
know that it's helpful and Ihave helped people do the same
thing.
Even when they were in the sameplace where they're like, this
is stupid, this isn't going towork.
Yeah.
You, you would be surprised.
So please incorporate this.
(06:11):
I have done since, gosh, I thinkit's been November.
Every week, I have a list ofthings that I'm celebrating,
like big wins and small wins.
And you better believe, I'vemade it a habit of weekly
celebrating small wins.
And I've said this before too,I'm not up there, you know,
throwing myself a big freakinparty and having like cake and
(06:33):
ice cream every week celebratingthis.
If you want to do that,absolutely, I'm all for it.
But it doesn't have to be that,is what I'm saying.
It is just a It can be as simpleas a little, you know, you know,
it's a pat on the back, like,good job.
Acknowledge and say, yes, thiswas a good job.
I'm celebrating this win, big orsmall.
Um, and then there's a quickexercise that you can try to, to
(06:56):
challenge your inner critic thatI want you to try.
And you're going to need a pieceof paper and a pen for this.
So if you're driving, just tryto come back to this later.
But if you're not, then, um, Iwant you to write down, you can
even think through this too, butit's always better to write it
down on paper because it bringsclarity.
So write down a recent situationwhere your inner critic went
(07:17):
into overdrive.
Now, imagine a wise andcompassionate friend responding
to you in that situation.
What would they say?
Write down their message ofencouragement and self
compassion.
So it's taking you out of itright now, like your kind of
thoughts, and it's replacing itwith, what would a friend tell
(07:37):
me right now?
So that you can kind of get outof your head and you're breaking
up that inner critic andThinking about someone else,
like what would they say to mein this situation?
Because that can be veryencouraging.
So after that exercise, I mean,you can even take it a step
further and call a friend andsee what they would actually say
(07:58):
to you, you know, cause I'm sureit's not, you're a piece of crap
and you're not good enough.
And like I said, if you aregetting that message from
someone that you think is afriend, then you need to kick
them to the curb because that isnot a friend.
Okay.
Um, but I would even, like Isaid, Give them a call and see
what they would say for a littleextra boost of encouragement.
Um, but it is progress, notperfection.
(08:19):
Okay.
I hope you have a beautiful weekand I will see you next week.
Thank you so much for joining meon this episode of landing
imperfect.
I truly appreciate you being apart of this community and
sharing this journey with me.
If you do want to connectfurther, then don't hesitate to
follow me on Instagram at Jendot Lander.
I would love to hear yourthoughts, any questions or any
stories that you want to share.
(08:39):
So, DME there, I also have awebsite.
It's a landing and perfectwebsite where I share a blog
post about my podcast, and thenyou can join my email list.
I have a PDF that providesanxiety and stress management
tools that you can.
And use as well when you join myemail list.
So check it out.
My website will be linked in myshow notes.
So don't hesitate to reach
there's nothing about you thatis not good enough.
(00:02):
You are good enough because youare you.
And that it's just as simple asthat.
Happy Wednesday guys, or ifyou're listening to this at a
different time, wherever youfound this episode, whatever day
and time, happy whatever day itis.
This is Laning Imperfect.
I'm your host Jen Lander.
I'm a psychiatric nursepractitioner and I wanted to
(00:25):
talk to you guys today aboutperfectionism.
I am a recovering Perfectionist.
I won't say fully recovered.
There are days and times where Istill will default to this type
of mindset.
And I have to be veryintentional about what I'm
doing.
So the goal here is this is avery brief episode, but we're
going to get into it.
(00:45):
come up with ways that thingsthat I have personally tried to
help, um, decrease some of thatoverwhelming, daunting, feel
trap and exhaustedperfectionism.
Cause that crap is not fun.
And if you're listening to thisand you're a perfectionist, you
know exactly what I'm talkingabout.
So we're going to try to breakthis down a little bit.
(01:06):
Um, so.
Perfectionism, it's not justabout wanting to do well.
Perfectionism is the belief thatanything less than perfect is a
failure.
So imagine your brain as asculptor's studio.
In someone's healthy mind thatisn't struggling with
perfectionism, the goal is tocreate a beautiful sculpture,
(01:27):
but flaws are seen asopportunities for improvement.
But in a perfectionist's aperfectionist's mind, the
slightest imperfection is areason to smash the sculpture
and start all over again.
So it's not, we're not, youknow, we're not looking for, oh
my gosh, this is imperfect, likeimperfect, you know, oh, look at
(01:49):
this beautiful opportunity andthis flaw here.
I could turn this into, youknow, Something else unique, you
know, about the, about thesculpture.
Nope.
It is, this is trash.
I can't stand it and I'mthrowing it on the floor and
we're, we're starting fromscratch, brand new.
There's been many times in mylife where I mean, I'm not a
sculptor, like, I, I would loveto be an artist, and people who
(02:11):
have ADHD are very, um, verycreative.
I have ADHD, so I know thatthere's a creative side to me.
My mom also has ADHD, and she issuch a great artist.
But I, that, somehow that, like,skipped me.
I don't know.
I can, I can draw stick figures,and I don't even think those are
that great.
So, anyways.
(02:33):
I'm totally going on, I'm goingoff script here.
But I, my whole point is I'vehad periods in my life where,
especially writing something,whether it's a homework
assignment or typing somethingup where I'm like, this is
trash.
And like, I don't just startfrom where I am or try to fix it
while I'm reading through.
It's like, nope, I'm startingall over again.
(02:55):
And I have absolutely,especially through middle
school, high school.
even elementary, where I wouldjust get so ticked off because
I'm like, this is not good.
This is so trash.
And I would rip, rip up whateverI was working on, which that's
also very discouraging.
I mean, It's just to be so hardon yourself, you know, and feel
(03:16):
like what you're doing is afailure is, it's just so
discouraging.
And I don't want anyone to feelthat way.
I certainly don't like to feelthat way.
And I don't like that anyoneelse is feeling that way.
So we are sticking together.
We're our people, and we're justgoing to figure out the ways
that can help us navigatethrough this.
Because the constant striving.
can have serious consequences.
(03:37):
It can cause anxiety,depression, and even social
isolation.
Um, I mean, those are all commonthings that we see with people
who struggle with perfectionism.
Anxiety has been a big part ofmy life and something that I
have worked very hard toovercome.
And I am pleased to say that I'min a much better place when it
comes to anxiety, because I veryintentionally found ways to help
(04:01):
decrease that anxiety.
And that's my goal, is to helpyou guys find those, those
things as well.
Um, so there's a couple thingsthat we could do.
So, number one, I want you tochallenge your inner critic.
Cause you know that thing isloud as heck.
So that voice in your head, um,it, like, it's not even
whispering.
It's pretty much yelling at youthat you're not good enough.
(04:23):
Challenge its authority.
Would you talk to a friend thatway?
Unless you're a pretty crappyfriend, which I really doubt
that.
There's no way that you'retelling your friend that they're
not good enough.
I mean, that's not a friend,right?
So talk to yourself the way thatyou would talk to a friend.
And I'm here to tell you.
You know, you, you absolutelyare good enough.
There's, there's nothing aboutyou that is not good enough.
(04:46):
You are good enough because youare you.
And that it's just as simple asthat.
So remind yourself of this andgive yourself some self
compassion because that'scrucial to, to progress.
Two, I want you to embrace thepower of good enough.
So instead of aiming for thatnon existent perfect, Set
(05:06):
realistic, achievable goals.
So think of it like climbing amountain, reaching the base camp
is still a success, even if thesummit is miles away.
So celebrate the little winsalong the way.
And that's the next thing I wantyou to celebrate the journey.
It's not the destination.
It's something that I've saidmultiple times in the past,
celebrate the journey.
(05:28):
Perfectionism focuses solely onthe final product.
So learn to appreciate.
The learning and growth thathappens along the way.
So this might even soundannoying or frustrating if
you're someone very heavily intoperfectionism and you're just
beginning your journey on this.
I understand.
I understand that it can feelvery annoying and maybe even a
(05:51):
little invalidating when I'mjust saying, Oh, you know,
celebrate the little wins alongthe way.
Well, I still want you to do itbecause I have done it and I
know that it's helpful and Ihave helped people do the same
thing.
Even when they were in the sameplace where they're like, this
is stupid, this isn't going towork.
Yeah.
You, you would be surprised.
So please incorporate this.
(06:11):
I have done since, gosh, I thinkit's been November.
Every week, I have a list ofthings that I'm celebrating,
like big wins and small wins.
And you better believe, I'vemade it a habit of weekly
celebrating small wins.
And I've said this before too,I'm not up there, you know,
throwing myself a big freakinparty and having like cake and
(06:33):
ice cream every week celebratingthis.
If you want to do that,absolutely, I'm all for it.
But it doesn't have to be that,is what I'm saying.
It is just a It can be as simpleas a little, you know, you know,
it's a pat on the back, like,good job.
Acknowledge and say, yes, thiswas a good job.
I'm celebrating this win, big orsmall.
Um, and then there's a quickexercise that you can try to, to
(06:56):
challenge your inner critic thatI want you to try.
And you're going to need a pieceof paper and a pen for this.
So if you're driving, just tryto come back to this later.
But if you're not, then, um, Iwant you to write down, you can
even think through this too, butit's always better to write it
down on paper because it bringsclarity.
So write down a recent situationwhere your inner critic went
(07:17):
into overdrive.
Now, imagine a wise andcompassionate friend responding
to you in that situation.
What would they say?
Write down their message ofencouragement and self
compassion.
So it's taking you out of itright now, like your kind of
thoughts, and it's replacing itwith, what would a friend tell
(07:37):
me right now?
So that you can kind of get outof your head and you're breaking
up that inner critic andThinking about someone else,
like what would they say to mein this situation?
Because that can be veryencouraging.
So after that exercise, I mean,you can even take it a step
further and call a friend andsee what they would actually say
(07:58):
to you, you know, cause I'm sureit's not, you're a piece of crap
and you're not good enough.
And like I said, if you aregetting that message from
someone that you think is afriend, then you need to kick
them to the curb because that isnot a friend.
Okay.
Um, but I would even, like Isaid, Give them a call and see
what they would say for a littleextra boost of encouragement.
Um, but it is progress, notperfection.
(08:19):
Okay.
I hope you have a beautiful weekand I will see you next week.
Thank you so much for joining meon this episode of landing
imperfect.
I truly appreciate you being apart of this community and
sharing this journey with me.
If you do want to connectfurther, then don't hesitate to
follow me on Instagram at Jendot Lander.
I would love to hear yourthoughts, any questions or any
stories that you want to share.
(08:39):
So, DME there, I also have awebsite.
It's a landing and perfectwebsite where I share a blog
post about my podcast, and thenyou can join my email list.
I have a PDF that providesanxiety and stress management
tools that you can.
And use as well when you join myemail list.
So check it out.
My website will be linked in myshow notes.
So don't hesitate to reach
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