September 16, 2023 • 47 mins
Are you ready to step into the shoes of a survivor, feeling her strength and pain as she bravely shares her story? In our latest episode of Latina’s State of Mind, we go on a raw and emotional journey with a guest who has lived through a harrowing tale of domestic violence. Disguised as love and support, her abusive relationship was fraught with manipulation and control, yet she found the resilience to break free.
We delve into the toxic phenomenon of "gaslighting," a manipulative tactic commonly used in abusive relationships. Our guest brings to light the real struggle of leaving such a relationship, highlighting how financial constraints often come into play. This intense conversation sheds light on the insidious nature of domestic violence, including the often overlooked psychological aspects. We also discuss the power dynamics at play in such situations, and the role society often plays in judging victims, especially in the wake of a divorce.
In a rousing narrative of survival, our guest shares her journey of overcoming abuse. Be inspired by her determination to advocate for herself from a young age and how a supportive figure in her life helped her regain control. Together, we explore the detrimental societal judgments surrounding domestic violence victims. Whether you or someone you know is facing a similar situation, our hope is this episode will provide strength, guidance, and the reaffirmation that no one is unworthy of love and happiness.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
This is Latina's State of Mind, a podcast created
by Latinas for all audiences,where we can share our
experiences about love, life andeverything in between.
Hello and welcome to anotherepisode of Latina's State of
(00:32):
Mind.
Hello, we have a special guestand we have a heavy topic, but a
very important one.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
This is your trigger warning.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I don't even know how to warn people about this.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
I guess if they feel triggered by hearing stories
about domestic violence.
This might not be the episodefor them.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
We have a dear friend , one of my favorite people here
, who has been through somerough times with this topic.
She's here to share her storywith us and hopefully we can
learn from it and get someadvice and kind of get out of it
(01:18):
like she did.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
Yeah, the story.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Do you want to tell us a little bit about your story
?
She's like yeah, yes, how didyou meet?
Speaker 4 (01:30):
him.
I was going to school inColorado Springs and I worked at
one of the malls there, and Imet him while I was working.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Was he super charming .
Speaker 4 (01:42):
Super charming, not really my type physically, but
like his actions at the verybeginning he was like, oh, he's
fun to be with.
He wanted to get to know mybest friend, he wanted to get to
know my family.
So he seemed like he was therewith all the great intentions.
(02:02):
He wanted to support me.
I was in dance in college,support me with dance, just
really interested in my life,and so it seemed like he wanted
to be a part of it.
So, yes, he was charming, heliked to go dance.
That was kind of my lovelanguage.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, he was doing all the right things.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
All the right things.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Yeah, how long were you with him before the abuse
began?
Speaker 4 (02:33):
To be honest, like I've been thinking about this a
lot, I don't think it was verylong into us getting to know
each other.
So when I first met him, I kepthim as a friend for a really
long time and I should have keptit that way, Because as a
friend he was very different.
But once we started dating, Ishould have known it when he
(02:55):
started yelling and Senya wasthere.
She knows this story, so alsowatch out for her.
So he was manipulative in thefact that he learned the things
that were important to me anduse them against me almost.
So he at that time I was verygood Mormon girl and he decided
(03:20):
to start to take the Mormondiscussion and started to go to
church and started to go tochurch and all the things as a
Mormon girl you're like, oh mygosh this is the one he's
changing his life for me.
So he started taking the Mormondiscussions and Senya and I at
that time were very good Mormongirls.
That faith meant everything tous at that time, and so when he
(03:46):
started to do that, I was likewow this has to be him, and I'm
sorry.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
how old were you?
Speaker 4 (03:52):
20.
Oh yeah, you were a kid.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
I was a baby.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
And a baby and a naive.
I was very naive for a reallylong time, like we lived in a
bubble, partly because ofreligion.
He started to take themissionary discussions and he
chose to get baptized into theMormon church.
And the night before he wassupposed to get baptized and my
whole family came up becausethis was exciting for them and
(04:19):
this is great.
And so we're at our house andwe get a call from one of our
friends that he was at a partyon base because he was in the
military with one of our otherfriends and it was just them two
with a bunch of women whosehusbands were currently deployed
(04:39):
.
That's got you.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Yeah, very interesting, yeah, interesting.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
And so our friend calls us and we're like, hmm,
let's go over.
So Jesse, me and Senya get inthe car and we're like we're
going to go over to catch him.
And as soon as we started tocome, they were headed to our
house.
Oh, so we never got to theparty, we never caught them.
But they come over to the house.
Our other friend was superdrunk and just laughing the
(05:04):
whole time.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Yeah, he was so not sure of what was happening.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
Yeah like I don't know what world he was in and
all of a sudden it became.
He's 100% gaslighted me andSenya the whole time Like he
wasn't there.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
At that point, like I remember this, because this is
so I like this guy, like we alot.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
He was doing everything right yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
And at this point, like I was like, well, they're
just going to have a littleargument and I'm just going to
let them like, like have adiscussion.
But as I was walking towardsthe house, I heard the yelling,
and the yelling was mainlycoming from him and not her.
You heard it from outside thehouse.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
And so I went back and I said, hey, don't talk to
her that way, yeah, and I lookedat her and she was shocked and
she was quiet and I rememberlike him being in my face like
up in my face yelling andcalling me names and just saying
how I was the one that wastaking her there and like it was
(06:10):
our fault, that he wasn't doinganything wrong and that we were
just being jealous.
And I was just like backup,like don't talk to me that way,
don't?
And and she's a polled her.
She just kept pulling me backbecause I was at that point like
yelling at him back and and shewas scared that.
Speaker 4 (06:29):
I thought he was going to hit her.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
So then I said go ahead, you hit me, you're gonna
hit me once and I'm gonna callthe military police and you're
gonna be in so much trouble.
And I have four brothers and Iknow the minute I tell them that
you hit me, you are gonna payfor that.
So hit me.
Yeah, and he was like I wouldnever do that, but his fist was
(06:52):
clenched.
The entire time.
Then our other friend overheardit came out, pushed him off of
us, yeah, and we went backinside and I hated him after
that, right, but I don't knowwhat he said to her and I
couldn't even tell you, like Idon't know, what he said to her
and the next day it was likenothing happened.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
I feel like he just said the right words to calm you
down.
100, you know like and thisisn't me or anything like that,
yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Well, and like I remember that day or that next
morning, my parents were like,did you guys hear the neighbors
fighting?
We almost called the cops.
My parents didn't know what wasgoing on us and I would, and I
was like that was yelling at me.
Well, I don't even think I saidit, because I probably was
trying to protect him.
(07:38):
Yeah but I have sisters and myfamily was there.
Everybody knew but my parents,and so they told that it was him
, and my family decided not togo to his baptism, but my mom
and senya and my dad.
My mom is one of those peoplethat if I believe in something
enough, she's gonna believe init too.
She's gonna support you nomatter what 100%, and she's
(08:01):
always that way with me.
She's that way with all of herkids.
Yeah um, she will always bethere for you, and she was like
no, it was, we made an excusefor him.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Yeah, and I was gonna be, and yeah.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
She, she was there, and so we go to his baptism.
He gets baptized.
It's this really beautiful day,um, and I was like, okay, he
gets a clean slate, becausethat's what a baptism is right
in any religion is you get astart over.
And it was like he gets tostart over and then, from then
on, he wasn't.
Um, he didn't show any othersigns.
(08:38):
That happened once while wewere dating and I was like, okay
, everything's gonnaEverything's gonna be great.
Um, then we did break up for awhile and during the breakup he
would have his friends reach outto me and try to talk to me, to
catch me talking to other guys.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
So like setting her up, but you were not with him
anymore.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
That wasn't with him anymore, it didn't matter though
and even one of his friendswrote me a letter on how he
didn't like how he treated meand how he I deserved better and
how he's always wanted to bewith me.
Like it was to that point senyawas always with me because we
would go out and there's someguy would be like, hey, let's
come over.
And I was like, well, why not?
(09:17):
Like I'm not with any more.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
So why not?
Speaker 4 (09:21):
And then he would use that against me Because, well,
we're not together, but I'mstill talking to you.
What yeah, so she was stilllike his property, oh yeah and
so he set me up and during thistime, I was also getting ready
to join the military, um, and Iwas joining in the spring of
(09:41):
that year.
And so, like there's a ton ofthings going on in your mind, um
, and, I think, being raised inthe religion that we were at
that time, you're supposed to bemarried by 2021.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
And I think we've talked about that here before
right how like we, we felt thatpressure.
Like you were 18, 19 and if thewomen at church they go on
missions at 21 Because they'renot good enough to be married?
Speaker 4 (10:06):
Yeah, so if you're not?
Speaker 1 (10:07):
if you're not married by 21, you go on a mission To
find a husband no, to go preachthe lord's word because you
weren't good enough for marriage.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
Yeah, kind of, I mean , yeah so they don't say that,
but that's definitely how itfeels.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
And so then there's this pressure as a young woman
like to be married to be marriedUm really young right, and
that's kind of like theexpectation that everyone has
one kind of presentation.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Or you go on a mission 21 and then you have to
come back for your mission andyou have to find somebody.
Speaker 4 (10:40):
Yeah, yeah, that sounds rough, so like we're
already dealing with that.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
Yeah, and then pressure.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
Yeah, and he knew that about me.
He knew that I wanted to bemarried and to ultimately have
kids and have a family, andBecause he knew this, he used it
as manipulation.
He provided the perfect visionfor you 100%.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
This is what you need .
Here you go, take it.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
This is what I'm right here.
Yeah, look at what I got foryou, yeah.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
Um, so I was getting ready to join the military.
We were on again, off again, um, and also during that time he
was talking to whoever he wanted.
I couldn't question that.
That was.
If I did, that was jealous butshe couldn't talk to her.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
You were the crazy, Of course can we maybe Define
gaslighting right?
Speaker 3 (11:27):
now just because we already said the word in it.
I don't know if a lot of peopleknow it.
We said the word and it's a newwish term.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Um, so this is what I have from the newport institute
.
Um, gaslighting is a form ofpsychological manipulation in
which the abuser attempts to sowso so Sorry guys to sow self
doubt and confusion in thevictim's mind.
So they're seeking to gainpower and control over the other
person by distorting theirreality and forcing them to
(11:57):
question their own judgment andintuition.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Yeah, that's kind of that making you feel crazy,
feeling yeah, ahead at thatpoint, yes, it's your fault.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Everything was always my fault when I was with him.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
Um, but fast forward, I go to the military.
And right before I go he waslike let's go to the courthouse
and get married.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Oh and I tell that's a red flag I had left to
california.
At that time I was living here.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Did he take that opportunity that you weren't?
Speaker 1 (12:24):
I think, so I think so.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
You didn't have any support.
He's like oh, let me take hernow.
Speaker 4 (12:29):
Oh, yep because she left and he would use a lot of
stuff.
He would just be like he's like, let's, we got up one morning
and he's like, let's, go getmarried.
Also, mind you, when you're inthe military and you you're
married, you get extra money.
Stupid me at that time didn'tthink it was because he wanted
extra money because he loves meand wants me yeah to be married.
(12:51):
He wanted it for the money.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
He wanted the benefits.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
I do know that there's a bunch of benefits,
yeah he wanted, because hewanted to get out of the
barracks as soon as you're ifyou're a soldier and you're
single, you live in the barracksif you're a soldier, dorms yeah
basically the dorms, and ifyou're married, you get to go
live off post or you can.
You can have your own apartmentand you get bah and, like
military members that aremarried, they get lots of money.
(13:17):
Nice, because you get your basepay and then your bah, which is
your cost of living.
Well, um, but I was stupid andI didn't know that.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
And so you're not stupid.
Yeah, you can't blame yourself.
Speaker 4 (13:28):
I feel like I was a little stupid, but so he was
like let's go get married, let'snot tell anyone, not even my
best friend, not my sisters whoI'm super close with, not my mom
.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (13:40):
Nobody.
And then I leave for basic inlike three days and I don't tell
anybody that I got married andI get to basic and basic
training.
I think for all Of the militarybranches they break you down to
build you back up right.
And so, like you get there andyou feel like the lowest of the
low, you're like why did Ichoose this for my life?
(14:01):
Um, and I get there one nightand I was doing fire guards.
So you have to do 24 hour fireguard and you get your battle
buddy and you have to stay upfor two hours Like guarding your
post, making sure that nobodybreaks into the barracks.
And I was like I'm gonna writemy mom a letter and tell her I
got married because I can't keepsecrets from her.
And at that time there's myfamily can't Communicate besides
(14:22):
letters to me.
There's maybe a phone callevery three weeks.
Basic training is a lotdifferent nowadays because they
get their cell phones.
We didn't get that like we had.
they told us not even to Bringour cell phone.
Um, so I go to basic, I tell mymom a letter, she writes me
back and she's like can we getthis annulled?
And that was gonna be the Planwhen I got back and out of the
(14:43):
mill or out of basic trainingwas to get an annullment.
Why?
Um?
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Did you tell her that you weren't really happy with
your decision, or she could justfeel it?
Speaker 4 (14:51):
She could feel it, yeah, and I think when I got to
basic I met so many friends andI found um A confidence in
myself because that's that'shard because if you made it
through basic yeah, then.
I was like, okay, if I learnedhow to shoot a gun Never touched
a gun before I joined themilitary and I've learned how to
run and do all these reallytough things by myself, then I
(15:13):
don't really need him.
And I made some really greatfriends and they kind of make
you see a part of you that youdidn't know was there, because
this is the person that you haveto rely on Essentially if
you're going to war.
That is going to take care ofyour back, make sure that you
come back safe.
And so I got to basic.
I'm in.
Basic it's send my mom thisletter and she sends me back
(15:34):
this letter and I was like, okay, that will be the plan.
And also, while I was gone, henever wrote me.
I was about to ask did you haveany communication with?
Like?
He wrote me like once, maybeonce or twice, and I was gone
from May to September.
Wow, yes, he should write me atleast once a week, you think a
(15:55):
niece.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
That was like she wrote years old wrote her all
the time.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
Yeah, my niece Tiana wrote me.
My mom wrote me every day.
My dad wrote me all the time.
My grandma wrote me.
My grandpa wrote me like mybrother.
My youngest brother wasprobably the best person at
writing me.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
He wrote me all the time and the more letters you
get, the better you feel, I bet,and probably so long.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
It shows that.
Not only that, but it showsthat people care about you.
Yes, they're thinking about you.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
I was like oh, you don't have to do this and and so
when he didn't write me and Imade all these other friends in
the military and they make mesee my worth I was like, ok,
yeah, I'm going to do theenolment, it'll be fine.
And then I get out of basic,get out of AIT and in the
military and I don't know ifit's changed it was really hard
for a soldier member to soldiermember to get divorce because
(16:44):
the divorce rate in the militaryis so high.
They tried everything theycould not for us to get an
enolment or divorce.
That it was.
Let's go go to counseling first, do all these things first, and
I don't know if that's the same.
I had every intention ofleaving him and like it just
wasn't the right time.
If we're meant to be, we'll.
We'll end up back togethertogether or whatever.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
I forgot that he was part of the military.
Now it makes me think he, heknew better that you needed
exactly.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
Yes, yes, you should know exactly like he'd been
through basic and he know he hadway more experience in the
military than you did.
Yeah, yeah.
Damn because that's how I methim was.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
He was in the military and I was going to
college.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
Yeah, and so I got back, I couldn't leave him and
everything was OK for a littlebit, like a month.
Oh, because then he got ordersthat he was going to deploy and
so, like we were married, but Inever really lived with him,
ever like a couple of monthshere and there, but he was
getting ready to deploy and hewas jealous.
(17:48):
He was a very jealous person,but at that time that makes you
feel like, oh, he just loves methat much.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
He cares about me.
He cares about me.
I think it's that teenager.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
I mean that makes you and also like where they both
talk about love or whatever.
Somebody shows you that theycare about you in different ways
and oh, if he loves me, he'sjealous.
It's just, it's not anythingelse.
We romanticize.
Yeah, jealousy Right.
Speaker 4 (18:14):
Especially when you're younger, exactly.
And so he gets ready to deploy.
The weekend before he deploysthere was a party with all of
his unit and I was friends witha lot of the people in his unit
and some of the girls and allthese things, but they were
having a party and he wasn'tgoing to take me.
Like we did all this stuff withour friends and he was going to
(18:36):
go, and one of my friends whowas also in the military she,
she got mad at him and she waslike, fine, she'll just come
with us because I want to hangout with her.
But, why wouldn't you want tohang out with your wife?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
You're about to leave for a year.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
And so we go to this party and I already know he
didn't really want me therebecause he wasn't going to take
me.
But so we go to this party andI can't remember I think I was
like sitting.
It was at a hotel.
I was sitting on a bed likewatching TV because I'm also not
a huge party person especiallythen I wasn't, but I like to be
(19:11):
around people but I was sittingon the bed like watching TV or
something.
And this guy comes up to me andhe asked me the time and I see
the other guy over therewatching.
This guy hit on me and he comesup out of nowhere and this guy
is like like you're so lucky,sorry, no, like no ill intent,
(19:33):
she's beautiful.
Like he was, he was veryrespectful, he was not trying to
disrespect in any way and hetold him that.
But at that moment I sawsomething change in him.
He was blinded by rage, yes,and he was like we're leaving
the party and he grabs me by theback of my shirt, like I'm a
little kid almost and startedpushing me out.
(19:54):
And people are watching and noone saying anything and he's
like pushing me out and hestarted kicking the back of my
legs and I was like okay, I likemaybe he drank.
I couldn't remember, I wasn'tdrinking at this point.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Did you think that it would escalate to more than
that?
Speaker 4 (20:11):
I got scared for my life and so I was driving.
No, I wasn't.
I was driving and he wasyelling at me so much that I
pulled over and I was like Ican't drive if you're going to
yell at me like that.
And so we switched and at thatpoint he grabbed my head and
threw me through my head againstthe car.
And of course it was my fault,because the guy was hitting on
(20:32):
me and I was like what?
And so he did that through myhead against the car and all of
a sudden I hear ringing in myears and I could feel like my
ears swell up and I was justholding it and I was crying
because now I'm hurt.
And in that instance he startscrying what?
And yeah, and I just love youso much, it hurts me to hurt you
(20:57):
.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (20:58):
That and I was like, and I knew if I said anything he
would get kicked out of themilitary, and I was just like,
so I go home and I'm shocked,like I'm in like almost like an
outer body experience, because Iremember like laying in bed and
being terrified that I wasn'tgoing to wake up in the morning
(21:18):
and like I didn't know what todo.
But I got home and I go to bedand I wake up and I'm still like
my head hurts, my ear hurts andI was like I have to go to the
emergency room.
I have to.
And he's like, okay, I'll takeyou.
And this is where I wish therewas more talk about domestic
violence and resources, becausewe went on base, we went to the
(21:39):
hospital, we go to the emergencyroom and the first thing they
ask is is this a domesticviolence case?
But I'm with the the abuser.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
How can you yeah, how can you even sign all of this?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Yeah you can't.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
And so I was like, um no, I and he made up a story on
the spot of what happened to meon the spot and I don't know.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
but that should have been a red flag to the, to the
person, to the perceptionist, orwhatever.
But he was giving, yeah, he wasmaking up the story, yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:10):
Cause they like check me in in everything, and they
asked if I wanted him to go backthere with me.
But how can I say no when he'sgoing to be the one that has to
take me home?
In my head?
I don't know.
I can say no, he can stay backthere, and then I can tell my
story and then I know they lockhim up and get him away from me
(22:31):
and then I can call my mom andshe can come save me, right,
like I didn't know any of that.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Well, and at this point you're 21.
21.
And how do you have you everbeen taught to advocate for
yourself in front of like?
We don't get taught to advocatefor ourselves with a provider,
with a doctor, until we're like29, 30s, like when we have all
these, even then, yeah.
So, like you can at 21,.
(22:57):
You're not thinking.
I can ask for something else.
I can say no idea.
Let me be by myself.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
But I feel like you can't say that yeah, exactly.
That has to be theresponsibility of the providers
to be like he has to be youcoming in, that's, and they stay
.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
That could have changed everything everything,
because he has to come back withme and they check me out and
then we leave the hospital.
They discharge me, like I theygave me.
When you're in the military youcan't just call out sick, right
?
So they had to write me a notefor like two weeks.
She needs to do light duty,basically because she has a
(23:37):
concussion.
Because he hit my head so hardI had a concussion and the place
where he hit is also like where, like you're hearing, that's
probably why you had the ringingin my ear.
Like it could have been.
It could have changed my life.
Yeah, totally.
Um.
So we get discharged and thenhe's like, sucking up to me, of
(24:00):
course, like where do you wantto go to dinner?
And just trying to baby me, andlike I couldn't, I didn't even
know how to think because I feltso alone.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, I and yeah at 21, you don't really have any.
Yeah, yeah, thoughts, thoughts.
You're not kidding, no, it'sright.
Speaker 4 (24:22):
And so we go out to dinner and then two days later
he's deployed and I was like,okay, like this, will, it's
better with him gone and then Icould really focus on being in
the military and getting myfriends.
And I told nobody about thatfor a long time.
Um, I didn't.
Nobody knew.
The people at the party sawsomething happen.
(24:42):
They might have theirspeculations, but I kept that a
secret for a really long time.
And then, fast forward, he camehome on R and R.
You get two weeks off whenyou're deployed to rest.
And so he came home for his Rand R and um, something we were
(25:02):
going to like do pictures orsomething I can't remember.
Um, and he's like go get mywallet.
And I got his wallet and Ithrew it down.
We were, we had stairs and abanister and he's like throw me
my wallet.
I threw him his wallet, heasked me to throw it and it hit
him in the eye and that set himoff and like he grabbed me.
Like as soon as I did that, Isaw his face and I started
(25:24):
running up the stairs and hegrabbed me by my hair and pulled
me down the stairs and like Iremember him kicking me like
pushing me down and kicking me,and he was built like a football
player.
He's a lot bigger than me Um andI was, yeah, like he kicked me
and pushed me down and again itwas my fault.
Wow.
I have no words, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
I'm sitting here like and disbelief.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
If I hated him before , you can hate him more.
Yeah, he can go fuck himself.
He's not a good person.
Speaker 4 (25:55):
Um, and that shocked me again and I didn't say
anything for a long time.
He deployed, he left, and then,while he was deployed, I
started talking to my friendsand they're like, just leave him
, like you don't have kids, justleave him.
And so that I started gettinganother confidence.
I was like, dude, I wentthrough basic training by myself
(26:16):
with, not his, for I don't needhim.
And so I started getting aconfidence.
Um, and I remember I sent himand I still have this picture in
a photo album there was apicture of me and my younger
sister that I sent him and hisresponse to that picture was I
was getting fat.
And if I showed you guys thepicture now, I was like where is
that?
Like, the 21 year old fat is awhole different type of fat than
(26:41):
30s and 40s.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
Cause I was like I don't mean, I'm sorry, but
you're a small girl.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Yeah, exactly.
Now can you imagine?
Speaker 4 (26:49):
21 and I was in the military was 125 pounds, wow,
wow.
But I was getting fat in thispicture and I remember him
saying that to me and I was likehe's such a jerk.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Like, probably because he was noticing that you
were gaining confidence and hehad to like yeah, 100% Like yes,
and so he was deployed.
Speaker 4 (27:11):
And then I started getting a confidence and I was
like I'm going to leave him, andso I told my mom everything.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Oh, that had to be difficult.
Speaker 4 (27:19):
I don't like to break my mom's heart and and now
having kids, I could understandmy mom at that point.
My mom was the hardest part mymom and my dad.
My dad may be worse, becausethat's your dad and no one's
supposed to touch his baby girl,Um.
So I, I finally told my parentsand I had a plan in motion as
(27:39):
soon as he gets back, I wasn'tgoing to, I was going to go to
the military MP and tell mystory and I was going to get him
out and I wasn't going to benear him and I was stronger, Um,
and that was the plan.
And during this time I met mynow husband, Um, and he not that
, uh, not that anybody needsvalidation from somebody else to
(28:01):
become stronger, but sometimesyou meet that person and you're
like, wow, this person is.
They validated me and he's.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
I think people see things in you that at certain
points in your life you don'tsee you in yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
And it.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
I think it brings that light that you already have
, but you don't see out ahundred percent, so I think
that's.
Speaker 4 (28:23):
So I met him and once the other guy got home from
being deployed, he manipulatedme again, and not that I wasn't
strong enough to get out, but Ialso was pregnant at the time
with my husband's my nowhusband's baby.
And in the military you're notsupposed to cheat like that.
(28:43):
Adultery is like you will loseyour rank, and so I was.
To me, I was a sinner.
I was this horrible personcause I got pregnant by a, not
my husband, and like I didn'tknow how to get out of it now,
cause now I have to play thatthis baby that I'm going to have
is my husband's baby.
So now he has more control.
So now he has more control.
(29:06):
Um, and so he came back from themilitary, but then when he got
out, he did his time, he leftand I was pregnant still and I
was like, perfect, he leaves, Ican get a divorce, an
abandonment divorce, whatever.
However, um, luckily, we neverhad a house together, we didn't
have kids together, and I neverchanged my last name.
That should also maybe be asign not that you have to change
(29:30):
your last name, cause, likesome people love their last
names and you don't have to butI never even took his last name.
You never wanted to know.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
No, no, not at all.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
I was like you know, I like my last name, um.
So the plan was well, he gotout of it.
He got out and I could justleave him, and then I can have a
baby, and I'll be a single one,and I can do that.
And then, of course, like twomonths not even two months, it
was like the month that I wasdue he comes back out of nowhere
, like you had no support at allthroughout eight months.
(30:01):
Basically, While I was pregnant,my family took care of me Like
I remember.
Um, when I found out I was, Iknew I was pregnant.
Um, mama Chagua was making eggson Thanksgiving and the smell
made me throw up, and so I wentto the bathroom and she comes,
following me, and she's like areyou pregnant?
And you know she only speaksSpanish, so I have to speak
Spanish with her and I'm tall.
(30:21):
I bawled to her.
She was the first person toknow and I know she never told
anyone.
She never told me.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Never told me, not even you, not even me Not.
I had to find out because ofyou Like.
Speaker 4 (30:34):
I told Mama Chagua she was the first person I told
Um and I, like I had a horriblepregnancy with my first, like I
was sick.
All three of my kids I wasalways sick.
I'm not somebody that'ssupposed to be pregnant.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
I don't think she's going to get pregnant.
I'm going to get pregnant.
Speaker 4 (30:52):
Um, but yeah, so he came back um right before I was
due and played the whole role ofI'm going to take care of you
yeah.
Look at this guy yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
Yeah, I don't even know him A hundred.
Speaker 4 (31:07):
He's the worst person .
We hate him.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
Um he's good to hate, him.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
But yeah, he comes back and he tries to play on
this role that he was going totake on his adulterous wife and
her baby.
Like that was the role he was.
And he even told like westarted going to church again
and while he was deployed, I wasgoing to church and I told my
bishop what he did to me and thebishops like we'll keep him
safe away from you, and thebishop is kind of like a priest,
(31:36):
a priest type of thing like ahigher yeah Person and okay yeah
.
And so before he came back, thebishop had my back and he was
like we'll keep you safe, allthese things.
And then when he comes back andhe goes to church, he
manipulated all the church and Iwas the terrible person because
I got pregnant by somebody elseand they no longer cared that
(31:57):
he used to beat me, or stillbeats me.
It's now.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Everything else is your fault.
Everything's my fault.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
So it's kind of like validating everything he told
you before oh, 100% from yourchurch.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
Yes, yeah, from the people.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
You trust them.
Speaker 4 (32:09):
Yes, 100% Um my family still never.
My siblings never liked himLike when I was, when I kept
taking him back and taking himback.
I drove them crazy, rightfully,because, as a sibling, how do
you watch your sibling keepgoing through it and you keep
telling them no, but they keepdoing it and I understand how my
(32:30):
family felt.
But it was super isolatingbecause the only person at that
time that I felt really loved mewas my mom, because she never
turned her back.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
You felt like everyone was judging you for
your decisions, but, at the sametime, that was the only thing
that you could do at that point.
Speaker 4 (32:48):
Yeah, and I know having younger siblings and
watching them go through things,I feel the same.
I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, I'msorry I put you guys through
that.
Speaker 2 (32:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:58):
Because it's hard, because when you care about
somebody and they don't listenand they keep putting themselves
in that situation and you don'tknow the full situation, it's
really easy to have a snapjudgment.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Do you think?
Well, I know that thisexperience changed our life in
many ways.
If somebody's listening to usright now that's going through
this in any way, what would yousay to them?
All of us can say I'll neverget myself in that situation.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
I think we've all of us have said I will never be in
those shoes.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
I will never stay after something like that
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
But once that's happened to you, I think your
brain changes your chemistry,everything changes, and you
probably have heard so manygaslighting things that make you
think it's all your fault.
And then there's that powercontrol dynamic where you don't
have any control of that.
What do you think that youcould have heard at that moment?
(33:58):
Or at one point, thing thatcould have changed your mind,
that could have seen the redflag that I was still worthy,
that I'm not damaged, thatpeople love you.
Speaker 4 (34:09):
Because it was really easy going through that to feel
like people thought I deservedto go through what I went
through Because you kept goingback, because I kept going back
and because I essentiallycheated on him and got pregnant,
like, even though he cheatedand did whatever he want, I got
caught and so I deserved thatand it was very isolating.
(34:32):
But if I would have never gotpregnant and had my oldest, I
never would have left him.
Oh wow.
Speaker 3 (34:38):
Because you might have killed you 100%.
So basically, your baby savedyou, he saved my life 100%.
Speaker 4 (34:45):
The last time he hurt me, my parents were coming up
to watch my son so I could go tothe military ball and we
weren't living together at thetime.
But he was over and he saw mycurrent husband and one of my
battle buddies.
They were texting me.
I couldn't, I wasn't going todrink and when we were at the
military ball, because I had ababy and I'm breastfeeding.
(35:07):
So I told all my friends I'mlike I'll be your guys's DD.
And so all my friends were liketexting me that day, like hey,
what time can you get us?
And he saw a text from my friendand he pushed me up our stairs
and we had this big window.
And he pushed me at the windowand I thought he was going to
push me out.
Oh, my baby was in the cribsleeping and I thought he was
(35:30):
going to push me out and I hadbruises on my arms and that was
the moment that I was like Ikicked him out and I couldn't be
there.
Like my, my baby does notdeserve that energy.
And I kicked him out.
Good for you.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
I'm glad you did that .
Even through that difficultmoment that you're probably not
thinking right, you had theright moment to say hey, this is
it yeah, that was.
Speaker 4 (35:56):
I was like my son can't see this ever, and so I
kicked him out.
My parents got there.
I had bruises all over my armsand I had to go to this military
ball in the dress that I hadshowed off my arms and my mom
tried to help me put makeup on.
My mom when I was in themilitary, right after I told her
(36:18):
what happened to me, I was TDY,and when you go TDY, this is
just kind of rewinding just alittle bit, because I wasn't
pregnant or anything at thistime I went TDY to Texas.
So I had to go to Texas forduty, for like.
I was there for like a month.
But while I was there my mom wasin Colorado Springs and she
decided to go to my unit and oneof my sergeants he was like a
(36:44):
big brother to me she went andtold him everything that I was
going through and so he knewwhen this guy got back from
deployment what could happen.
So he always kept a filter outfor me.
He was like a big brother, 100%.
So when I go to the militaryball, he knew this.
A lot of my friends knew what Ihad been through and they saw
(37:07):
the bruises on my arm and my nowhusband and a bunch of our
friends.
They left.
I have no idea where they went.
I have no idea what they didbecause he will not still tell
me to this day, but they wentsomewhere.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Yeah, we'll keep it.
His has beat, because hedeserves it.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
I mean.
I mean I'm okay with notknowing.
Speaker 4 (37:27):
I don't know if you're okay, I don't want to
know.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
I want to know.
I want to know the feel, thepleasure of knowing that
somebody hurt him.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Yeah, that's true, but I know it was probably very
painful.
So I'm like, yeah, I'll keepthat to myself.
I know this is going to be along episode.
No, you're fine.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Should we cut this episode to do a little bit of
Diana's daily shit and then comeback in the mood?
Speaker 2 (37:57):
We're a little bit, but I also think we're going to
be talking shit.
So what I mean?
Do a little bit of it, let's doit.
Diana's daily shit.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
First and foremost.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
If you are an abuser, fuck you.
Yes, I want to point that we'regoing to be talking about
something that ever so slightlykind of related.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
But not really.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
We're going to be talking about the Joe Jonas and
Sophie Turner situation rightnow and the attempt to slander
Sophie.
Excuse me, boo, I'm not a JoeJonas fan.
I'm not even a Sophie Turnerfan.
I am Good for you, I'm Sophie,anyways.
(38:44):
But I just I'm verydisappointed by the media of
still trying to push thenarrative that she is an
irresponsible woman because shewent out for drinks after I
believe it was a work party,some sort of like work party and
I'm just disappointed by themedia that they're trying to
slander her.
They're trying to point her outas a, like, a bad mom parent, a
(39:11):
terrible partner to Joe, like,excuse me.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Doesn't he tour all over the country all the time?
Why are we judging him?
Speaker 3 (39:18):
And I mean he's performing drunk several times.
Yeah, we've seen videos.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
And I was just.
I mean and of course this isall over social media, but he
has I'm not a fan, so I don'tknow I can confirm but he has
songs where he states that he'slike stumbling out of bars or
something like that and I'm like, ok, so it's OK for you to
party, but not for her.
But not for her.
And not only that.
The thing that really bothersme too is that he was in his
(39:44):
late twenties and she was either21 or 22 when they got married.
So she was, she was a child,young, really.
Yeah, she was in her.
She was that young?
No, she's, she's not.
I mean, they've been togetherfor quite a hot minute now, but
she was twenty twenty one whenthey got married and married for
years.
I wish I could tell you Look itup in a little bit but she was a
(40:09):
kid, you know, she was naiveand she was most likely like
entailed in this glamour life ofthe singer or whatever.
And I mean she had her own fame, of course, but he was.
He's so known that it wasprobably a great relationship
for a little bit.
He had his babies.
Good for them.
(40:30):
She's been a good mother andthen, now that she's actually
going out and feeling better,now she's in a fit because
people don't understand.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
there's like so many changes when you have babies and
there's all these things, andmaybe she's just trying to like
lose a little and have some fun.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
But it was one time that she's been out.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
Yeah, it's the only time they've seen her only photo
that they've been posting overand over again and out of that
photo, that's what it is.
Yeah, oh my gosh, but don't youthink?
Speaker 4 (41:01):
that's how it happens with women.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yeah, exactly, there's a divorce and a woman
goes out.
Speaker 4 (41:06):
She's wild and partying and sleeping with
everyone.
Speaker 1 (41:09):
Yeah, yeah, and the saint of a man.
Speaker 4 (41:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Staying at home with those kids.
Speaker 4 (41:15):
Baby's feeding his kids.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
Baby's feeding them Baby's feeding your own kids.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
Yeah, I'm sorry, you're just being a parent what.
Yes, so one thing that the agerelated thing is that okay, her
mind grew not only from havingchildren, but just herself, like
once you're 25 ish and older.
At least for me, it happenedthat I started changing my
mindset.
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
So did her mindset.
Let me surface this.
Did her mindset change, and wasthat not good enough for him?
But she wasn't this littlenaive girl anymore.
He's like oh wait, I don't likeyou anymore.
Now you have actual thoughts.
Let me divorce you.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
Now you have actual thoughts Like it.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
But anyways, I feel like this doesn't always just
happen with celebrities.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
No, it does.
Speaker 2 (42:06):
This happens with women regular, regular women all
the time, and we need to stop.
Yes, like first of all, mindyour own fucking business
Exactly let's.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
Let's cover that first.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
Mind your own business.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
Who cares?
Speaker 2 (42:20):
if you are invited into someone's business, your
both sides.
Yeah at least try.
Speaker 1 (42:26):
So we use two sides to every story, exactly Three
sides I've heard Four Her side,and then the truth.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
But yeah, I first of all mind your own business.
If you are included in thisbusiness, try to be.
You know, as neutral, neutro ispossible.
Yeah, or at least try to learnabout the situation and use
yourself from it.
Speaker 3 (42:50):
Don't use something like that, Like the one time
that she went out.
How are you going to use thatwhen you don't know the full
story?
Exactly when he is drunk allthe time.
Like you can't use that againsther for being out because she
has kids.
Like I was watching a video andthis lady was like I am a great
mom and I like to party and Ican be both at the same time.
Yes, and it doesn't changeanything.
(43:10):
Exactly 100% with her.
Speaker 2 (43:13):
She's grown, she's rich Right mom, I'm sorry, can
she not party a little bit?
She's hard working.
Speaker 1 (43:21):
Moms, you can party.
Yes, Do it.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Yeah, I'm not a mom.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
You've earned it.
I approve this message.
You've earned it.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
No, really, though they have earned it.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
Kids are shit Also that and you carried them for
nine months in your body and whoknows what happened in that
delivery room.
You're the only one.
No one wants to you deserve it.
Anyways, that's my little rantfor today.
I like it.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
Mind your own fucking business.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
I like it, thanks.
Do we have closing thoughts?
Speaker 3 (43:55):
I think we have a lot of closing thoughts.
Well, is there anything elseyou want to say before we go?
Speaker 4 (44:06):
If anybody's listening to this and going
through anything, even if it'sjust manipulation, getting
screamed at.
It doesn't have to be physical.
Abuse is abuse physical, mental, emotional, physical.
Try to find your voice andthere are resources to get out
and there are people that wantto support you.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
You're not alone.
I think you said something verykey and I love that.
I feel like society tells ussometimes that we're not worthy
if we do certain things.
If, especially, we grew upreligious, so you lose your
virginity before you're married,you're definitely not worthy.
So you deserve all the thingsthat have been happening to you
(44:46):
so you have that narrative inyour brain If you allow somebody
to touch you in a way thathappened, then you're not worthy
and all these things.
But at the end of the day,you're worthy of wonderful,
beautiful things.
You're worthy of people lovingand respecting you.
You're worthy of being happy.
You're worthy of happiness.
Speaker 2 (45:08):
Anyone on this earth.
If you have the chance to be onearth, that's it.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
You're worthy of all the good things, all of the good
things.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
Yeah, I think I've been thinking and it had nothing
to do with you, and I feel thatthat's how it is.
In a lot of these situations itwas not you, it was not your
fault, it was not because youwere doing this or that.
It's that person.
Whatever they're carrying andwhatever they're dealing with,
it's 100% them.
It has nothing to do with you.
If you're receiving it, it'snot you.
(45:36):
It's not you at all.
Speaker 2 (45:38):
Yep, it didn't start with you.
Speaker 4 (45:40):
And it won't probably , unfortunately, be the last one
Exactly.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:45):
And we had statistics that maybe we can share online.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
Yeah, we can put them up on the post so people can
see some of the statistics wefound it's rough to read, but I
think it's important that peopleread these because, it's
important and then I would liketo share the National Domestic
Violence Hotline, which is1-800-799-SAFE, and you can text
(46:12):
also 88788.
Speaker 1 (46:17):
There's so many resources, there's reading
material that tells you thedifference between power and
control some gaslighting stuff.
There's so much help.
Please, please, please, loveyourself, know that you're
worthy.
We love you, we want you to behappy.
(46:38):
Your family loves you, eventhough, like you said, it felt
so.
She felt so isolated, shewasn't alone, and I know it's
hard to see it when you're inthat situation, but you're not
alone.
Anything else Well.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
I just want to thank you for coming and sharing your
story.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
I love you so much.
Yeah, we love you and we're soproud of you.
Speaker 4 (47:01):
I love you guys.
Speaker 1 (47:02):
Yeah, thank you for sharing your story and thank you
for being so brave.
Yes, thank you, and thank youfor listening to us.
Yeah, hope you guys have alovely night.
Speaker 3 (47:17):
Thank you for listening to Latina State of
Mind produced by us, yourawesome hosts Diana, senia and
Nancy.
Special shout out to Jerome oureditor.
Don't forget to follow us onInstagram at LSOM underscore
podcast and on Facebook atLatina State of Mind.
Hasta la próxima.
This is Latina's State of Mind, a podcast created
by Latinas for all audiences,where we can share our
experiences about love, life andeverything in between.
Hello and welcome to anotherepisode of Latina's State of
(00:32):
Mind.
Hello, we have a special guestand we have a heavy topic, but a
very important one.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
This is your trigger warning.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I don't even know how to warn people about this.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
I guess if they feel triggered by hearing stories
about domestic violence.
This might not be the episodefor them.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
We have a dear friend , one of my favorite people here
, who has been through somerough times with this topic.
She's here to share her storywith us and hopefully we can
learn from it and get someadvice and kind of get out of it
(01:18):
like she did.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
Yeah, the story.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Do you want to tell us a little bit about your story
?
She's like yeah, yes, how didyou meet?
Speaker 4 (01:30):
him.
I was going to school inColorado Springs and I worked at
one of the malls there, and Imet him while I was working.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Was he super charming .
Speaker 4 (01:42):
Super charming, not really my type physically, but
like his actions at the verybeginning he was like, oh, he's
fun to be with.
He wanted to get to know mybest friend, he wanted to get to
know my family.
So he seemed like he was therewith all the great intentions.
(02:02):
He wanted to support me.
I was in dance in college,support me with dance, just
really interested in my life,and so it seemed like he wanted
to be a part of it.
So, yes, he was charming, heliked to go dance.
That was kind of my lovelanguage.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, he was doing all the right things.
Speaker 4 (02:26):
All the right things.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Yeah, how long were you with him before the abuse
began?
Speaker 4 (02:33):
To be honest, like I've been thinking about this a
lot, I don't think it was verylong into us getting to know
each other.
So when I first met him, I kepthim as a friend for a really
long time and I should have keptit that way, Because as a
friend he was very different.
But once we started dating, Ishould have known it when he
(02:55):
started yelling and Senya wasthere.
She knows this story, so alsowatch out for her.
So he was manipulative in thefact that he learned the things
that were important to me anduse them against me almost.
So he at that time I was verygood Mormon girl and he decided
(03:20):
to start to take the Mormondiscussion and started to go to
church and started to go tochurch and all the things as a
Mormon girl you're like, oh mygosh this is the one he's
changing his life for me.
So he started taking the Mormondiscussions and Senya and I at
that time were very good Mormongirls.
That faith meant everything tous at that time, and so when he
(03:46):
started to do that, I was likewow this has to be him, and I'm
sorry.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
how old were you?
Speaker 4 (03:52):
20.
Oh yeah, you were a kid.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
I was a baby.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
And a baby and a naive.
I was very naive for a reallylong time, like we lived in a
bubble, partly because ofreligion.
He started to take themissionary discussions and he
chose to get baptized into theMormon church.
And the night before he wassupposed to get baptized and my
whole family came up becausethis was exciting for them and
(04:19):
this is great.
And so we're at our house andwe get a call from one of our
friends that he was at a partyon base because he was in the
military with one of our otherfriends and it was just them two
with a bunch of women whosehusbands were currently deployed
(04:39):
.
That's got you.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Yeah, very interesting, yeah, interesting.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
And so our friend calls us and we're like, hmm,
let's go over.
So Jesse, me and Senya get inthe car and we're like we're
going to go over to catch him.
And as soon as we started tocome, they were headed to our
house.
Oh, so we never got to theparty, we never caught them.
But they come over to the house.
Our other friend was superdrunk and just laughing the
(05:04):
whole time.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Yeah, he was so not sure of what was happening.
Speaker 4 (05:07):
Yeah like I don't know what world he was in and
all of a sudden it became.
He's 100% gaslighted me andSenya the whole time Like he
wasn't there.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
At that point, like I remember this, because this is
so I like this guy, like we alot.
Speaker 3 (05:26):
He was doing everything right yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
And at this point, like I was like, well, they're
just going to have a littleargument and I'm just going to
let them like, like have adiscussion.
But as I was walking towardsthe house, I heard the yelling,
and the yelling was mainlycoming from him and not her.
You heard it from outside thehouse.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
And so I went back and I said, hey, don't talk to
her that way, yeah, and I lookedat her and she was shocked and
she was quiet and I rememberlike him being in my face like
up in my face yelling andcalling me names and just saying
how I was the one that wastaking her there and like it was
(06:10):
our fault, that he wasn't doinganything wrong and that we were
just being jealous.
And I was just like backup,like don't talk to me that way,
don't?
And and she's a polled her.
She just kept pulling me backbecause I was at that point like
yelling at him back and and shewas scared that.
Speaker 4 (06:29):
I thought he was going to hit her.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
So then I said go ahead, you hit me, you're gonna
hit me once and I'm gonna callthe military police and you're
gonna be in so much trouble.
And I have four brothers and Iknow the minute I tell them that
you hit me, you are gonna payfor that.
So hit me.
Yeah, and he was like I wouldnever do that, but his fist was
(06:52):
clenched.
The entire time.
Then our other friend overheardit came out, pushed him off of
us, yeah, and we went backinside and I hated him after
that, right, but I don't knowwhat he said to her and I
couldn't even tell you, like Idon't know, what he said to her
and the next day it was likenothing happened.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
I feel like he just said the right words to calm you
down.
100, you know like and thisisn't me or anything like that,
yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Well, and like I remember that day or that next
morning, my parents were like,did you guys hear the neighbors
fighting?
We almost called the cops.
My parents didn't know what wasgoing on us and I would, and I
was like that was yelling at me.
Well, I don't even think I saidit, because I probably was
trying to protect him.
(07:38):
Yeah but I have sisters and myfamily was there.
Everybody knew but my parents,and so they told that it was him
, and my family decided not togo to his baptism, but my mom
and senya and my dad.
My mom is one of those peoplethat if I believe in something
enough, she's gonna believe init too.
She's gonna support you nomatter what 100%, and she's
(08:01):
always that way with me.
She's that way with all of herkids.
Yeah um, she will always bethere for you, and she was like
no, it was, we made an excusefor him.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Yeah, and I was gonna be, and yeah.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
She, she was there, and so we go to his baptism.
He gets baptized.
It's this really beautiful day,um, and I was like, okay, he
gets a clean slate, becausethat's what a baptism is right
in any religion is you get astart over.
And it was like he gets tostart over and then, from then
on, he wasn't.
Um, he didn't show any othersigns.
(08:38):
That happened once while wewere dating and I was like, okay
, everything's gonnaEverything's gonna be great.
Um, then we did break up for awhile and during the breakup he
would have his friends reach outto me and try to talk to me, to
catch me talking to other guys.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
So like setting her up, but you were not with him
anymore.
Speaker 4 (08:56):
That wasn't with him anymore, it didn't matter though
and even one of his friendswrote me a letter on how he
didn't like how he treated meand how he I deserved better and
how he's always wanted to bewith me.
Like it was to that point senyawas always with me because we
would go out and there's someguy would be like, hey, let's
come over.
And I was like, well, why not?
(09:17):
Like I'm not with any more.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
So why not?
Speaker 4 (09:21):
And then he would use that against me Because, well,
we're not together, but I'mstill talking to you.
What yeah, so she was stilllike his property, oh yeah and
so he set me up and during thistime, I was also getting ready
to join the military, um, and Iwas joining in the spring of
(09:41):
that year.
And so, like there's a ton ofthings going on in your mind, um
, and, I think, being raised inthe religion that we were at
that time, you're supposed to bemarried by 2021.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
And I think we've talked about that here before
right how like we, we felt thatpressure.
Like you were 18, 19 and if thewomen at church they go on
missions at 21 Because they'renot good enough to be married?
Speaker 4 (10:06):
Yeah, so if you're not?
Speaker 1 (10:07):
if you're not married by 21, you go on a mission To
find a husband no, to go preachthe lord's word because you
weren't good enough for marriage.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
Yeah, kind of, I mean , yeah so they don't say that,
but that's definitely how itfeels.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
And so then there's this pressure as a young woman
like to be married to be marriedUm really young right, and
that's kind of like theexpectation that everyone has
one kind of presentation.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Or you go on a mission 21 and then you have to
come back for your mission andyou have to find somebody.
Speaker 4 (10:40):
Yeah, yeah, that sounds rough, so like we're
already dealing with that.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
Yeah, and then pressure.
Speaker 4 (10:45):
Yeah, and he knew that about me.
He knew that I wanted to bemarried and to ultimately have
kids and have a family, andBecause he knew this, he used it
as manipulation.
He provided the perfect visionfor you 100%.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
This is what you need .
Here you go, take it.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
This is what I'm right here.
Yeah, look at what I got foryou, yeah.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
Um, so I was getting ready to join the military.
We were on again, off again, um, and also during that time he
was talking to whoever he wanted.
I couldn't question that.
That was.
If I did, that was jealous butshe couldn't talk to her.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
You were the crazy, Of course can we maybe Define
gaslighting right?
Speaker 3 (11:27):
now just because we already said the word in it.
I don't know if a lot of peopleknow it.
We said the word and it's a newwish term.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Um, so this is what I have from the newport institute
.
Um, gaslighting is a form ofpsychological manipulation in
which the abuser attempts to sowso so Sorry guys to sow self
doubt and confusion in thevictim's mind.
So they're seeking to gainpower and control over the other
person by distorting theirreality and forcing them to
(11:57):
question their own judgment andintuition.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
Yeah, that's kind of that making you feel crazy,
feeling yeah, ahead at thatpoint, yes, it's your fault.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Everything was always my fault when I was with him.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
Um, but fast forward, I go to the military.
And right before I go he waslike let's go to the courthouse
and get married.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Oh and I tell that's a red flag I had left to
california.
At that time I was living here.
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Did he take that opportunity that you weren't?
Speaker 1 (12:24):
I think, so I think so.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
You didn't have any support.
He's like oh, let me take hernow.
Speaker 4 (12:29):
Oh, yep because she left and he would use a lot of
stuff.
He would just be like he's like, let's, we got up one morning
and he's like, let's, go getmarried.
Also, mind you, when you're inthe military and you you're
married, you get extra money.
Stupid me at that time didn'tthink it was because he wanted
extra money because he loves meand wants me yeah to be married.
(12:51):
He wanted it for the money.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
He wanted the benefits.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
I do know that there's a bunch of benefits,
yeah he wanted, because hewanted to get out of the
barracks as soon as you're ifyou're a soldier and you're
single, you live in the barracksif you're a soldier, dorms yeah
basically the dorms, and ifyou're married, you get to go
live off post or you can.
You can have your own apartmentand you get bah and, like
military members that aremarried, they get lots of money.
(13:17):
Nice, because you get your basepay and then your bah, which is
your cost of living.
Well, um, but I was stupid andI didn't know that.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
And so you're not stupid.
Yeah, you can't blame yourself.
Speaker 4 (13:28):
I feel like I was a little stupid, but so he was
like let's go get married, let'snot tell anyone, not even my
best friend, not my sisters whoI'm super close with, not my mom
.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (13:40):
Nobody.
And then I leave for basic inlike three days and I don't tell
anybody that I got married andI get to basic and basic
training.
I think for all Of the militarybranches they break you down to
build you back up right.
And so, like you get there andyou feel like the lowest of the
low, you're like why did Ichoose this for my life?
(14:01):
Um, and I get there one nightand I was doing fire guards.
So you have to do 24 hour fireguard and you get your battle
buddy and you have to stay upfor two hours Like guarding your
post, making sure that nobodybreaks into the barracks.
And I was like I'm gonna writemy mom a letter and tell her I
got married because I can't keepsecrets from her.
And at that time there's myfamily can't Communicate besides
(14:22):
letters to me.
There's maybe a phone callevery three weeks.
Basic training is a lotdifferent nowadays because they
get their cell phones.
We didn't get that like we had.
they told us not even to Bringour cell phone.
Um, so I go to basic, I tell mymom a letter, she writes me
back and she's like can we getthis annulled?
And that was gonna be the Planwhen I got back and out of the
(14:43):
mill or out of basic trainingwas to get an annullment.
Why?
Um?
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Did you tell her that you weren't really happy with
your decision, or she could justfeel it?
Speaker 4 (14:51):
She could feel it, yeah, and I think when I got to
basic I met so many friends andI found um A confidence in
myself because that's that'shard because if you made it
through basic yeah, then.
I was like, okay, if I learnedhow to shoot a gun Never touched
a gun before I joined themilitary and I've learned how to
run and do all these reallytough things by myself, then I
(15:13):
don't really need him.
And I made some really greatfriends and they kind of make
you see a part of you that youdidn't know was there, because
this is the person that you haveto rely on Essentially if
you're going to war.
That is going to take care ofyour back, make sure that you
come back safe.
And so I got to basic.
I'm in.
Basic it's send my mom thisletter and she sends me back
(15:34):
this letter and I was like, okay, that will be the plan.
And also, while I was gone, henever wrote me.
I was about to ask did you haveany communication with?
Like?
He wrote me like once, maybeonce or twice, and I was gone
from May to September.
Wow, yes, he should write me atleast once a week, you think a
(15:55):
niece.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
That was like she wrote years old wrote her all
the time.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
Yeah, my niece Tiana wrote me.
My mom wrote me every day.
My dad wrote me all the time.
My grandma wrote me.
My grandpa wrote me like mybrother.
My youngest brother wasprobably the best person at
writing me.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
He wrote me all the time and the more letters you
get, the better you feel, I bet,and probably so long.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
It shows that.
Not only that, but it showsthat people care about you.
Yes, they're thinking about you.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
I was like oh, you don't have to do this and and so
when he didn't write me and Imade all these other friends in
the military and they make mesee my worth I was like, ok,
yeah, I'm going to do theenolment, it'll be fine.
And then I get out of basic,get out of AIT and in the
military and I don't know ifit's changed it was really hard
for a soldier member to soldiermember to get divorce because
(16:44):
the divorce rate in the militaryis so high.
They tried everything theycould not for us to get an
enolment or divorce.
That it was.
Let's go go to counseling first, do all these things first, and
I don't know if that's the same.
I had every intention ofleaving him and like it just
wasn't the right time.
If we're meant to be, we'll.
We'll end up back togethertogether or whatever.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
I forgot that he was part of the military.
Now it makes me think he, heknew better that you needed
exactly.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
Yes, yes, you should know exactly like he'd been
through basic and he know he hadway more experience in the
military than you did.
Yeah, yeah.
Damn because that's how I methim was.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
He was in the military and I was going to
college.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
Yeah, and so I got back, I couldn't leave him and
everything was OK for a littlebit, like a month.
Oh, because then he got ordersthat he was going to deploy and
so, like we were married, but Inever really lived with him,
ever like a couple of monthshere and there, but he was
getting ready to deploy and hewas jealous.
(17:48):
He was a very jealous person,but at that time that makes you
feel like, oh, he just loves methat much.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
He cares about me.
He cares about me.
I think it's that teenager.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
I mean that makes you and also like where they both
talk about love or whatever.
Somebody shows you that theycare about you in different ways
and oh, if he loves me, he'sjealous.
It's just, it's not anythingelse.
We romanticize.
Yeah, jealousy Right.
Speaker 4 (18:14):
Especially when you're younger, exactly.
And so he gets ready to deploy.
The weekend before he deploysthere was a party with all of
his unit and I was friends witha lot of the people in his unit
and some of the girls and allthese things, but they were
having a party and he wasn'tgoing to take me.
Like we did all this stuff withour friends and he was going to
(18:36):
go, and one of my friends whowas also in the military she,
she got mad at him and she waslike, fine, she'll just come
with us because I want to hangout with her.
But, why wouldn't you want tohang out with your wife?
Speaker 2 (18:46):
You're about to leave for a year.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
And so we go to this party and I already know he
didn't really want me therebecause he wasn't going to take
me.
But so we go to this party andI can't remember I think I was
like sitting.
It was at a hotel.
I was sitting on a bed likewatching TV because I'm also not
a huge party person especiallythen I wasn't, but I like to be
(19:11):
around people but I was sittingon the bed like watching TV or
something.
And this guy comes up to me andhe asked me the time and I see
the other guy over therewatching.
This guy hit on me and he comesup out of nowhere and this guy
is like like you're so lucky,sorry, no, like no ill intent,
(19:33):
she's beautiful.
Like he was, he was veryrespectful, he was not trying to
disrespect in any way and hetold him that.
But at that moment I sawsomething change in him.
He was blinded by rage, yes,and he was like we're leaving
the party and he grabs me by theback of my shirt, like I'm a
little kid almost and startedpushing me out.
(19:54):
And people are watching and noone saying anything and he's
like pushing me out and hestarted kicking the back of my
legs and I was like okay, I likemaybe he drank.
I couldn't remember, I wasn'tdrinking at this point.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Did you think that it would escalate to more than
that?
Speaker 4 (20:11):
I got scared for my life and so I was driving.
No, I wasn't.
I was driving and he wasyelling at me so much that I
pulled over and I was like Ican't drive if you're going to
yell at me like that.
And so we switched and at thatpoint he grabbed my head and
threw me through my head againstthe car.
And of course it was my fault,because the guy was hitting on
(20:32):
me and I was like what?
And so he did that through myhead against the car and all of
a sudden I hear ringing in myears and I could feel like my
ears swell up and I was justholding it and I was crying
because now I'm hurt.
And in that instance he startscrying what?
And yeah, and I just love youso much, it hurts me to hurt you
(20:57):
.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (20:58):
That and I was like, and I knew if I said anything he
would get kicked out of themilitary, and I was just like,
so I go home and I'm shocked,like I'm in like almost like an
outer body experience, because Iremember like laying in bed and
being terrified that I wasn'tgoing to wake up in the morning
(21:18):
and like I didn't know what todo.
But I got home and I go to bedand I wake up and I'm still like
my head hurts, my ear hurts andI was like I have to go to the
emergency room.
I have to.
And he's like, okay, I'll takeyou.
And this is where I wish therewas more talk about domestic
violence and resources, becausewe went on base, we went to the
(21:39):
hospital, we go to the emergencyroom and the first thing they
ask is is this a domesticviolence case?
But I'm with the the abuser.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
How can you yeah, how can you even sign all of this?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Yeah you can't.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
And so I was like, um no, I and he made up a story on
the spot of what happened to meon the spot and I don't know.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
but that should have been a red flag to the, to the
person, to the perceptionist, orwhatever.
But he was giving, yeah, he wasmaking up the story, yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:10):
Cause they like check me in in everything, and they
asked if I wanted him to go backthere with me.
But how can I say no when he'sgoing to be the one that has to
take me home?
In my head?
I don't know.
I can say no, he can stay backthere, and then I can tell my
story and then I know they lockhim up and get him away from me
(22:31):
and then I can call my mom andshe can come save me, right,
like I didn't know any of that.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Well, and at this point you're 21.
21.
And how do you have you everbeen taught to advocate for
yourself in front of like?
We don't get taught to advocatefor ourselves with a provider,
with a doctor, until we're like29, 30s, like when we have all
these, even then, yeah.
So, like you can at 21,.
(22:57):
You're not thinking.
I can ask for something else.
I can say no idea.
Let me be by myself.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
But I feel like you can't say that yeah, exactly.
That has to be theresponsibility of the providers
to be like he has to be youcoming in, that's, and they stay
.
Speaker 4 (23:15):
That could have changed everything everything,
because he has to come back withme and they check me out and
then we leave the hospital.
They discharge me, like I theygave me.
When you're in the military youcan't just call out sick, right
?
So they had to write me a notefor like two weeks.
She needs to do light duty,basically because she has a
(23:37):
concussion.
Because he hit my head so hardI had a concussion and the place
where he hit is also like where, like you're hearing, that's
probably why you had the ringingin my ear.
Like it could have been.
It could have changed my life.
Yeah, totally.
Um.
So we get discharged and thenhe's like, sucking up to me, of
(24:00):
course, like where do you wantto go to dinner?
And just trying to baby me, andlike I couldn't, I didn't even
know how to think because I feltso alone.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, I and yeah at 21, you don't really have any.
Yeah, yeah, thoughts, thoughts.
You're not kidding, no, it'sright.
Speaker 4 (24:22):
And so we go out to dinner and then two days later
he's deployed and I was like,okay, like this, will, it's
better with him gone and then Icould really focus on being in
the military and getting myfriends.
And I told nobody about thatfor a long time.
Um, I didn't.
Nobody knew.
The people at the party sawsomething happen.
(24:42):
They might have theirspeculations, but I kept that a
secret for a really long time.
And then, fast forward, he camehome on R and R.
You get two weeks off whenyou're deployed to rest.
And so he came home for his Rand R and um, something we were
(25:02):
going to like do pictures orsomething I can't remember.
Um, and he's like go get mywallet.
And I got his wallet and Ithrew it down.
We were, we had stairs and abanister and he's like throw me
my wallet.
I threw him his wallet, heasked me to throw it and it hit
him in the eye and that set himoff and like he grabbed me.
Like as soon as I did that, Isaw his face and I started
(25:24):
running up the stairs and hegrabbed me by my hair and pulled
me down the stairs and like Iremember him kicking me like
pushing me down and kicking me,and he was built like a football
player.
He's a lot bigger than me Um andI was, yeah, like he kicked me
and pushed me down and again itwas my fault.
Wow.
I have no words, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
I'm sitting here like and disbelief.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
If I hated him before , you can hate him more.
Yeah, he can go fuck himself.
He's not a good person.
Speaker 4 (25:55):
Um, and that shocked me again and I didn't say
anything for a long time.
He deployed, he left, and then,while he was deployed, I
started talking to my friendsand they're like, just leave him
, like you don't have kids, justleave him.
And so that I started gettinganother confidence.
I was like, dude, I wentthrough basic training by myself
(26:16):
with, not his, for I don't needhim.
And so I started getting aconfidence.
Um, and I remember I sent himand I still have this picture in
a photo album there was apicture of me and my younger
sister that I sent him and hisresponse to that picture was I
was getting fat.
And if I showed you guys thepicture now, I was like where is
that?
Like, the 21 year old fat is awhole different type of fat than
(26:41):
30s and 40s.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
Cause I was like I don't mean, I'm sorry, but
you're a small girl.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Yeah, exactly.
Now can you imagine?
Speaker 4 (26:49):
21 and I was in the military was 125 pounds, wow,
wow.
But I was getting fat in thispicture and I remember him
saying that to me and I was likehe's such a jerk.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Like, probably because he was noticing that you
were gaining confidence and hehad to like yeah, 100% Like yes,
and so he was deployed.
Speaker 4 (27:11):
And then I started getting a confidence and I was
like I'm going to leave him, andso I told my mom everything.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Oh, that had to be difficult.
Speaker 4 (27:19):
I don't like to break my mom's heart and and now
having kids, I could understandmy mom at that point.
My mom was the hardest part mymom and my dad.
My dad may be worse, becausethat's your dad and no one's
supposed to touch his baby girl,Um.
So I, I finally told my parentsand I had a plan in motion as
(27:39):
soon as he gets back, I wasn'tgoing to, I was going to go to
the military MP and tell mystory and I was going to get him
out and I wasn't going to benear him and I was stronger, Um,
and that was the plan.
And during this time I met mynow husband, Um, and he not that
, uh, not that anybody needsvalidation from somebody else to
(28:01):
become stronger, but sometimesyou meet that person and you're
like, wow, this person is.
They validated me and he's.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
I think people see things in you that at certain
points in your life you don'tsee you in yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
And it.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
I think it brings that light that you already have
, but you don't see out ahundred percent, so I think
that's.
Speaker 4 (28:23):
So I met him and once the other guy got home from
being deployed, he manipulatedme again, and not that I wasn't
strong enough to get out, but Ialso was pregnant at the time
with my husband's my nowhusband's baby.
And in the military you're notsupposed to cheat like that.
(28:43):
Adultery is like you will loseyour rank, and so I was.
To me, I was a sinner.
I was this horrible personcause I got pregnant by a, not
my husband, and like I didn'tknow how to get out of it now,
cause now I have to play thatthis baby that I'm going to have
is my husband's baby.
So now he has more control.
So now he has more control.
(29:06):
Um, and so he came back from themilitary, but then when he got
out, he did his time, he leftand I was pregnant still and I
was like, perfect, he leaves, Ican get a divorce, an
abandonment divorce, whatever.
However, um, luckily, we neverhad a house together, we didn't
have kids together, and I neverchanged my last name.
That should also maybe be asign not that you have to change
(29:30):
your last name, cause, likesome people love their last
names and you don't have to butI never even took his last name.
You never wanted to know.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
No, no, not at all.
Speaker 4 (29:39):
I was like you know, I like my last name, um.
So the plan was well, he gotout of it.
He got out and I could justleave him, and then I can have a
baby, and I'll be a single one,and I can do that.
And then, of course, like twomonths not even two months, it
was like the month that I wasdue he comes back out of nowhere
, like you had no support at allthroughout eight months.
(30:01):
Basically, While I was pregnant,my family took care of me Like
I remember.
Um, when I found out I was, Iknew I was pregnant.
Um, mama Chagua was making eggson Thanksgiving and the smell
made me throw up, and so I wentto the bathroom and she comes,
following me, and she's like areyou pregnant?
And you know she only speaksSpanish, so I have to speak
Spanish with her and I'm tall.
(30:21):
I bawled to her.
She was the first person toknow and I know she never told
anyone.
She never told me.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Never told me, not even you, not even me Not.
I had to find out because ofyou Like.
Speaker 4 (30:34):
I told Mama Chagua she was the first person I told
Um and I, like I had a horriblepregnancy with my first, like I
was sick.
All three of my kids I wasalways sick.
I'm not somebody that'ssupposed to be pregnant.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
I don't think she's going to get pregnant.
I'm going to get pregnant.
Speaker 4 (30:52):
Um, but yeah, so he came back um right before I was
due and played the whole role ofI'm going to take care of you
yeah.
Look at this guy yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
Yeah, I don't even know him A hundred.
Speaker 4 (31:07):
He's the worst person .
We hate him.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
Um he's good to hate, him.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
But yeah, he comes back and he tries to play on
this role that he was going totake on his adulterous wife and
her baby.
Like that was the role he was.
And he even told like westarted going to church again
and while he was deployed, I wasgoing to church and I told my
bishop what he did to me and thebishops like we'll keep him
safe away from you, and thebishop is kind of like a priest,
(31:36):
a priest type of thing like ahigher yeah Person and okay yeah
.
And so before he came back, thebishop had my back and he was
like we'll keep you safe, allthese things.
And then when he comes back andhe goes to church, he
manipulated all the church and Iwas the terrible person because
I got pregnant by somebody elseand they no longer cared that
(31:57):
he used to beat me, or stillbeats me.
It's now.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Everything else is your fault.
Everything's my fault.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
So it's kind of like validating everything he told
you before oh, 100% from yourchurch.
Speaker 4 (32:07):
Yes, yeah, from the people.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
You trust them.
Speaker 4 (32:09):
Yes, 100% Um my family still never.
My siblings never liked himLike when I was, when I kept
taking him back and taking himback.
I drove them crazy, rightfully,because, as a sibling, how do
you watch your sibling keepgoing through it and you keep
telling them no, but they keepdoing it and I understand how my
(32:30):
family felt.
But it was super isolatingbecause the only person at that
time that I felt really loved mewas my mom, because she never
turned her back.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
You felt like everyone was judging you for
your decisions, but, at the sametime, that was the only thing
that you could do at that point.
Speaker 4 (32:48):
Yeah, and I know having younger siblings and
watching them go through things,I feel the same.
I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, I'msorry I put you guys through
that.
Speaker 2 (32:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:58):
Because it's hard, because when you care about
somebody and they don't listenand they keep putting themselves
in that situation and you don'tknow the full situation, it's
really easy to have a snapjudgment.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Do you think?
Well, I know that thisexperience changed our life in
many ways.
If somebody's listening to usright now that's going through
this in any way, what would yousay to them?
All of us can say I'll neverget myself in that situation.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
I think we've all of us have said I will never be in
those shoes.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
I will never stay after something like that
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
But once that's happened to you, I think your
brain changes your chemistry,everything changes, and you
probably have heard so manygaslighting things that make you
think it's all your fault.
And then there's that powercontrol dynamic where you don't
have any control of that.
What do you think that youcould have heard at that moment?
(33:58):
Or at one point, thing thatcould have changed your mind,
that could have seen the redflag that I was still worthy,
that I'm not damaged, thatpeople love you.
Speaker 4 (34:09):
Because it was really easy going through that to feel
like people thought I deservedto go through what I went
through Because you kept goingback, because I kept going back
and because I essentiallycheated on him and got pregnant,
like, even though he cheatedand did whatever he want, I got
caught and so I deserved thatand it was very isolating.
(34:32):
But if I would have never gotpregnant and had my oldest, I
never would have left him.
Oh wow.
Speaker 3 (34:38):
Because you might have killed you 100%.
So basically, your baby savedyou, he saved my life 100%.
Speaker 4 (34:45):
The last time he hurt me, my parents were coming up
to watch my son so I could go tothe military ball and we
weren't living together at thetime.
But he was over and he saw mycurrent husband and one of my
battle buddies.
They were texting me.
I couldn't, I wasn't going todrink and when we were at the
military ball, because I had ababy and I'm breastfeeding.
(35:07):
So I told all my friends I'mlike I'll be your guys's DD.
And so all my friends were liketexting me that day, like hey,
what time can you get us?
And he saw a text from my friendand he pushed me up our stairs
and we had this big window.
And he pushed me at the windowand I thought he was going to
push me out.
Oh, my baby was in the cribsleeping and I thought he was
(35:30):
going to push me out and I hadbruises on my arms and that was
the moment that I was like Ikicked him out and I couldn't be
there.
Like my, my baby does notdeserve that energy.
And I kicked him out.
Good for you.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
I'm glad you did that .
Even through that difficultmoment that you're probably not
thinking right, you had theright moment to say hey, this is
it yeah, that was.
Speaker 4 (35:56):
I was like my son can't see this ever, and so I
kicked him out.
My parents got there.
I had bruises all over my armsand I had to go to this military
ball in the dress that I hadshowed off my arms and my mom
tried to help me put makeup on.
My mom when I was in themilitary, right after I told her
(36:18):
what happened to me, I was TDY,and when you go TDY, this is
just kind of rewinding just alittle bit, because I wasn't
pregnant or anything at thistime I went TDY to Texas.
So I had to go to Texas forduty, for like.
I was there for like a month.
But while I was there my mom wasin Colorado Springs and she
decided to go to my unit and oneof my sergeants he was like a
(36:44):
big brother to me she went andtold him everything that I was
going through and so he knewwhen this guy got back from
deployment what could happen.
So he always kept a filter outfor me.
He was like a big brother, 100%.
So when I go to the militaryball, he knew this.
A lot of my friends knew what Ihad been through and they saw
(37:07):
the bruises on my arm and my nowhusband and a bunch of our
friends.
They left.
I have no idea where they went.
I have no idea what they didbecause he will not still tell
me to this day, but they wentsomewhere.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
Yeah, we'll keep it.
His has beat, because hedeserves it.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
I mean.
I mean I'm okay with notknowing.
Speaker 4 (37:27):
I don't know if you're okay, I don't want to
know.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
I want to know.
I want to know the feel, thepleasure of knowing that
somebody hurt him.
Speaker 2 (37:37):
Yeah, that's true, but I know it was probably very
painful.
So I'm like, yeah, I'll keepthat to myself.
I know this is going to be along episode.
No, you're fine.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Should we cut this episode to do a little bit of
Diana's daily shit and then comeback in the mood?
Speaker 2 (37:57):
We're a little bit, but I also think we're going to
be talking shit.
So what I mean?
Do a little bit of it, let's doit.
Diana's daily shit.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
First and foremost.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
If you are an abuser, fuck you.
Yes, I want to point that we'regoing to be talking about
something that ever so slightlykind of related.
Speaker 3 (38:22):
But not really.
Speaker 2 (38:23):
We're going to be talking about the Joe Jonas and
Sophie Turner situation rightnow and the attempt to slander
Sophie.
Excuse me, boo, I'm not a JoeJonas fan.
I'm not even a Sophie Turnerfan.
I am Good for you, I'm Sophie,anyways.
(38:44):
But I just I'm verydisappointed by the media of
still trying to push thenarrative that she is an
irresponsible woman because shewent out for drinks after I
believe it was a work party,some sort of like work party and
I'm just disappointed by themedia that they're trying to
slander her.
They're trying to point her outas a, like, a bad mom parent, a
(39:11):
terrible partner to Joe, like,excuse me.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Doesn't he tour all over the country all the time?
Why are we judging him?
Speaker 3 (39:18):
And I mean he's performing drunk several times.
Yeah, we've seen videos.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
And I was just.
I mean and of course this isall over social media, but he
has I'm not a fan, so I don'tknow I can confirm but he has
songs where he states that he'slike stumbling out of bars or
something like that and I'm like, ok, so it's OK for you to
party, but not for her.
But not for her.
And not only that.
The thing that really bothersme too is that he was in his
(39:44):
late twenties and she was either21 or 22 when they got married.
So she was, she was a child,young, really.
Yeah, she was in her.
She was that young?
No, she's, she's not.
I mean, they've been togetherfor quite a hot minute now, but
she was twenty twenty one whenthey got married and married for
years.
I wish I could tell you Look itup in a little bit but she was a
(40:09):
kid, you know, she was naiveand she was most likely like
entailed in this glamour life ofthe singer or whatever.
And I mean she had her own fame, of course, but he was.
He's so known that it wasprobably a great relationship
for a little bit.
He had his babies.
Good for them.
(40:30):
She's been a good mother andthen, now that she's actually
going out and feeling better,now she's in a fit because
people don't understand.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
there's like so many changes when you have babies and
there's all these things, andmaybe she's just trying to like
lose a little and have some fun.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
But it was one time that she's been out.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
Yeah, it's the only time they've seen her only photo
that they've been posting overand over again and out of that
photo, that's what it is.
Yeah, oh my gosh, but don't youthink?
Speaker 4 (41:01):
that's how it happens with women.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yeah, exactly, there's a divorce and a woman
goes out.
Speaker 4 (41:06):
She's wild and partying and sleeping with
everyone.
Speaker 1 (41:09):
Yeah, yeah, and the saint of a man.
Speaker 4 (41:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Staying at home with those kids.
Speaker 4 (41:15):
Baby's feeding his kids.
Speaker 1 (41:16):
Baby's feeding them Baby's feeding your own kids.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
Yeah, I'm sorry, you're just being a parent what.
Yes, so one thing that the agerelated thing is that okay, her
mind grew not only from havingchildren, but just herself, like
once you're 25 ish and older.
At least for me, it happenedthat I started changing my
mindset.
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
So did her mindset.
Let me surface this.
Did her mindset change, and wasthat not good enough for him?
But she wasn't this littlenaive girl anymore.
He's like oh wait, I don't likeyou anymore.
Now you have actual thoughts.
Let me divorce you.
Speaker 1 (41:55):
Now you have actual thoughts Like it.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
But anyways, I feel like this doesn't always just
happen with celebrities.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
No, it does.
Speaker 2 (42:06):
This happens with women regular, regular women all
the time, and we need to stop.
Yes, like first of all, mindyour own fucking business
Exactly let's.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
Let's cover that first.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
Mind your own business.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
Who cares?
Speaker 2 (42:20):
if you are invited into someone's business, your
both sides.
Yeah at least try.
Speaker 1 (42:26):
So we use two sides to every story, exactly Three
sides I've heard Four Her side,and then the truth.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
But yeah, I first of all mind your own business.
If you are included in thisbusiness, try to be.
You know, as neutral, neutro ispossible.
Yeah, or at least try to learnabout the situation and use
yourself from it.
Speaker 3 (42:50):
Don't use something like that, Like the one time
that she went out.
How are you going to use thatwhen you don't know the full
story?
Exactly when he is drunk allthe time.
Like you can't use that againsther for being out because she
has kids.
Like I was watching a video andthis lady was like I am a great
mom and I like to party and Ican be both at the same time.
Yes, and it doesn't changeanything.
(43:10):
Exactly 100% with her.
Speaker 2 (43:13):
She's grown, she's rich Right mom, I'm sorry, can
she not party a little bit?
She's hard working.
Speaker 1 (43:21):
Moms, you can party.
Yes, Do it.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Yeah, I'm not a mom.
Speaker 1 (43:25):
You've earned it.
I approve this message.
You've earned it.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
No, really, though they have earned it.
Speaker 1 (43:31):
Kids are shit Also that and you carried them for
nine months in your body and whoknows what happened in that
delivery room.
You're the only one.
No one wants to you deserve it.
Anyways, that's my little rantfor today.
I like it.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
Mind your own fucking business.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
I like it, thanks.
Do we have closing thoughts?
Speaker 3 (43:55):
I think we have a lot of closing thoughts.
Well, is there anything elseyou want to say before we go?
Speaker 4 (44:06):
If anybody's listening to this and going
through anything, even if it'sjust manipulation, getting
screamed at.
It doesn't have to be physical.
Abuse is abuse physical, mental, emotional, physical.
Try to find your voice andthere are resources to get out
and there are people that wantto support you.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
You're not alone.
I think you said something verykey and I love that.
I feel like society tells ussometimes that we're not worthy
if we do certain things.
If, especially, we grew upreligious, so you lose your
virginity before you're married,you're definitely not worthy.
So you deserve all the thingsthat have been happening to you
(44:46):
so you have that narrative inyour brain If you allow somebody
to touch you in a way thathappened, then you're not worthy
and all these things.
But at the end of the day,you're worthy of wonderful,
beautiful things.
You're worthy of people lovingand respecting you.
You're worthy of being happy.
You're worthy of happiness.
Speaker 2 (45:08):
Anyone on this earth.
If you have the chance to be onearth, that's it.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
You're worthy of all the good things, all of the good
things.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
Yeah, I think I've been thinking and it had nothing
to do with you, and I feel thatthat's how it is.
In a lot of these situations itwas not you, it was not your
fault, it was not because youwere doing this or that.
It's that person.
Whatever they're carrying andwhatever they're dealing with,
it's 100% them.
It has nothing to do with you.
If you're receiving it, it'snot you.
(45:36):
It's not you at all.
Speaker 2 (45:38):
Yep, it didn't start with you.
Speaker 4 (45:40):
And it won't probably , unfortunately, be the last one
Exactly.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:45):
And we had statistics that maybe we can share online.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
Yeah, we can put them up on the post so people can
see some of the statistics wefound it's rough to read, but I
think it's important that peopleread these because, it's
important and then I would liketo share the National Domestic
Violence Hotline, which is1-800-799-SAFE, and you can text
(46:12):
also 88788.
Speaker 1 (46:17):
There's so many resources, there's reading
material that tells you thedifference between power and
control some gaslighting stuff.
There's so much help.
Please, please, please, loveyourself, know that you're
worthy.
We love you, we want you to behappy.
(46:38):
Your family loves you, eventhough, like you said, it felt
so.
She felt so isolated, shewasn't alone, and I know it's
hard to see it when you're inthat situation, but you're not
alone.
Anything else Well.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
I just want to thank you for coming and sharing your
story.
Speaker 1 (46:57):
I love you so much.
Yeah, we love you and we're soproud of you.
Speaker 4 (47:01):
I love you guys.
Speaker 1 (47:02):
Yeah, thank you for sharing your story and thank you
for being so brave.
Yes, thank you, and thank youfor listening to us.
Yeah, hope you guys have alovely night.
Speaker 3 (47:17):
Thank you for listening to Latina State of
Mind produced by us, yourawesome hosts Diana, senia and
Nancy.
Special shout out to Jerome oureditor.
Don't forget to follow us onInstagram at LSOM underscore
podcast and on Facebook atLatina State of Mind.
Hasta la próxima.
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