176: Shelly's Mom's funeral Pt. 2

More Mormon funeral discussion? Hell yeah. In today’s episode, guest host Kirsten Morgan helps Shelly unpack the rest of her mom’s funeral, and there’s plenty of it. As an added bonus, you will get to hear Shelly’s talk that she gave from the pulpit, in a Mormon chapel, in front of hundreds of Mormons. Did she announce that she is gay? Of course she did. Did the church burn to the ground? Listen up and find out.

Music provided by Purple Planet: https://purple-planet.com.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
In this episode, dude, thisis weird. Yeah wow, okay,
but like, doesn't it make sensethough? Kind of in a way everything
does and doesn't, which makes itmake sense more. Yeah, wow,
okay. In this episode today ismy first record with someone new who is

(00:28):
not Mary. This is the thisis the first moving forward episode as a
matter of fact, and it isalso part two of the Funeral. Actually
this isn't the first episode moving forward. I mean it is already listeners are
like, what the fuck? People, okay, and they're also like,
we know, Kirsten, come on, okay. So Funeral part one I

(00:51):
recorded with Kimberly Anderson. Okay,so I guess it only makes sense that
part two I'm recording again with someonenew and this episode will out after the
Christmas episode, so you kind ofalready know what's coming people, And here
it is, which, by theway, I have not yet recorded the
Christmas episode. We'll do it towhatever fucking order we want. Maybe this

(01:14):
could be the Christmas episode, joinedus sing we wish you whatever. But
yeah, this is the intro soFuneral episode Part two. We'll take a
quick break and we'll be right back. You know what, this is raw

(01:36):
and this is real. I don'tknow how to fucking start the episode.
That's cool, seriously, so well, shit just kind of hit me.
Fuck funny. Hey, I broughta roll of toilet paper. Thank you.
I'm welcome, Okay, I guessI'm starting out and I'm trying intros.

(01:57):
I I was just saying, I'venever done the intro. How did
it go? It was like Welcometo Latter Day Lesbian, where uh the
X the story about an next morningMormon gay girl girl trying to figure out
her life, her life. AndI'm gonna say I'm Shelley because I that's

(02:19):
me now and you always have been. Yeah, I always have been,
but I always said it second okay, because I'm Mary, and then I'm
I'm Shelley. But now it's it'sI'm Shelley. And a special guest host
who will be appearing often and frequently. Introduce yourself, Kirsten. Hi,

(02:42):
my name is Kirsten, Kirsten Morganand Hi, dude, Hey dude,
Hey, this is HM. Thisis gonna be one. It's going to
be one. I didn't know Iwould get emotion, of course you are,
dude. Fuck, it's okay,cry, you know what I am

(03:07):
okay, and she is a therapistof mine, one of the many it
takes a lot to run this shitshow of Kirsten, a therapist of mine,
said, when you feel like youneed to cry, cry because the
only way you can release the chemicalsthat your body needs to release is through

(03:31):
tears. And that's why when youhave a good cry after you're like,
oh my gosh, I think Ijust needed to cry, you know,
I'm not. No, you're wayingit perfectly or what I never cried and
felt worse. No, you cryand then you're like, okay, cool,
purge, purge. Yeah. ISo this this episode I was thinking

(03:55):
would be emotional because of the content. I didn't expect to get smacked in
the face with the fact that it'snot Mary. Yeah, but fuck it,
I'm really real and it's about beingreal and about being vulnerable and about
talking about shit. So no,I'm not gonna cut the recording off and

(04:16):
have a cry and then come backand act like everything's fine. This is
going to suck. Yeah, andthat is okay. And you also don't
have to do it. You canabord mission anytime. I could. But
we're already down here in your kid'sbasement bedroom who moved up. But that's

(04:36):
another story. So where am Itoday? I am right now in Salt
Lake City. It was kind ofa last minute trip plan to come out
and visit my dad. So Ihad intended to record Funeral Part two with

(04:59):
my good b at Kirsten because weare very alike in our hearts and our
and our feels in I don't know. Kirsten's good people and she gets me,
and I know it's gonna be agreat episode. Also, can I
just like AAJA right here? Yes, Shelley is good people and this world
needs people like Shelley. Shelley hasall of the feelings and the biggest heart

(05:27):
and the capacity to feel all atonce, everything everywhere, all at once.
It's the movie. Yeahs Oscar,that's my fucking life. Where's my
fucking Oscar? Shelley's Oscar? Willyou make me wonder when I come out
again the Academy? I will makeyou an Oscar? Oh, will you

(05:48):
give it to me next time Icome out? Yeah, it's gonna maybe
no, A'll surprise it with you, But I feel like it's going to
be Oscar the Grouch, you know, Kirsten. Fuck you because you're grouchy,
just because Oscar the Grouch is theshit Oscar and Oskar like this gold

(06:08):
man with his hands together. Yes, I don't know about that, but
I do know about Oscar the Grouch, and he's super duper. It was
always my favorite in Sesame Street.Always. And right now I'm having a
feeling that the fans are saying,Wait a second, are Shelley and Kirsten
together? Are they a couple?Let's stop this right then and there before

(06:32):
before everything goes hey wire. No, the answer is no. I know
everyone's wondering, like, what's goingon with Shelley? Is she dating?
Blah blah blah. No, Kirstenand I are not dating. Kirsten is
actually married to a wonderful woman bythe name of Anne, who I adore
almost as much as Kirsten does.Kirsten is simply my heart friend. I'm

(06:56):
a confident I don't know that song. I had a party what are you
saying? And invited everyone I knew. Come on, it's Golden Girls.
Okay, sorry, no, I'veseen that much so everyone, he said,
tell me that my mom was Rose. Everyone tells me I'm right,

(07:19):
Shut the fuck up, all Rose, she's a little ding doug. Uh
huh, yep, yep. Fromwhere was it Saint Olaf that she was
from, saying, Oh my god, you're right, You're right. That's
funny. Well that was a throwback, wasn't it. It was? So

(07:42):
I'm here because I have not seenmy dad since the funeral. You know,
it's an interesting relationship with my dadbecause I love my dad. I
like my dad. I love mydad, but I never have felt the
I guess the poll to be protectiveof him. I guess so. With
my mom, I came out toUtah a lot to be with her,

(08:03):
because, for one, I knewthat she really liked having me around,
and I want wanted my mom tobe happy, and I was worried about
her, and I would come andhelp her in things, and yeah,
i'd visit my dad too. Withmy dad, I just haven't. I
don't know. Do I sound likean asshole saying I haven't wanted to come
see him. I don't mean itlike that, but let's be honest.
My life has been a complete shitstorm since the funeral, Since before the

(08:26):
funeral, I mean, I thinkeveryone at this point knows that Mary and
I broke up and then my momdied, and so it hasn't been like
I've kind of been in a greatheadspace anyway. That's an excuse, but
I'll I'm using it because it's valid. But also, your dad has been,
uh, he's been complicated. Yeah, yes, I don't know.

(08:50):
I'm not trying to put words inyour mouth, but no, you're right.
It's a little bit like your mom. It's your mom for crying out
life. Your mom, it's yourmom. She was so approachable and so
heart heart heart, and your dadhas been a little combative, you know
as much, and like more complicated. So yeah, it takes maybe a

(09:15):
little bit more energy to want tolean into that, but like you do
it right, of course you doright. Absolutely, it's no, you're
right on there. And it mademe think of I had a complicated relationship
with both of them as I wasleaving the church, because you know,
no one likes when their daughter leadsto the church and starts an anti warn

(09:37):
podcast. It doesn't really sit wellwith them. But my mom and I
got to a place of healing,of apologies and of healing and mutual respect
and mutual admiration, and it wasbeautiful. What about those apologies? Tell
me? Yeah, So, somy mom had and I have had conversations
where she has a paulologize for thingsthat she did as a mom. And

(10:05):
this is see now my mind's goinglike to Gavin and you know people with
kids when there's like this big wherethe kid rails on the parent, like
you did this and you did that. Oh, I wouldn't know anything about
not a thing, would you nevertwo weeks ago? No, Yeah,
we might need to talk about thatif you're willing at another time or whenever.

(10:26):
I mean, we can talk aboutit now, but this is more
about yeah, the deal. Okay, So the healing with my mom and
I became it was her apologizing tome. But that wasn't what I needed.
I needed her to understand why thingshad hurt me, and she did
and that so when she did,and that was the apology that just healed

(10:50):
me and any kind of resentment Ihad toward her gone, and that moved
forward into just loving her and understandingthat the things that she did as a
parent growing up that were harmful tome, it was because of the way
she was raised. It was becauseof the pressures put on her. Was

(11:13):
because of how she thought she wassupposed to act and I'm just being in
a cult, Yes, you haveto act this way. Yes, And
so she did, yeah, andalso realizing that it was unfair of me
as I left the cult, andI say, I saw, holy shit,

(11:35):
what a bunch of harmful, fuckingbullshit, Like I see it right,
Yeah, And so my anger isthere, and so I'm pissed that
she doesn't see it. I didn'ttry to get her to see it,
but the fact that she the waythat she hurt me, I guess growing
up from the cult, Now thatI'm seeing it's just such a bunch of

(11:58):
bullshit. It made me like,how could you not? You know what
I'm saying. Yeah, And nowthat I'm the anger isn't swirling anymore.
I can see why she did thingsthat she did because of the cult,
and I'm not pissed off at her. I'm like, yeah, of course
you said those things. She's avictim too, exactly, you said those

(12:20):
things, you did those things.I forgive it, and you actually are
seeing how it hurt me, right, And that was very healing, And
from that point it was just somuch easier to have this love relationship between
her and I now my dad.I know my dad loves me. I
know he does. I know hewould do anything for me. But he

(12:43):
and I never had that moment.He's never said I'm sorry this made you
feel that way. He's never acknowledgedlike actually when I have This has been
years ago at this point, likethree four years when I when I did
tell him things that he said ordid because of the church and how they
hurt me, he just brushed itoff and laughed. So did he really

(13:07):
laugh? Yeah, he laughed like, oh yeah, your life was so
hard ha ha, you know,just kind of being a dip. Okay.
And again I'm not holding that againsthim, not acknowledging, not validating
absolutely, okay absolutely and saying likeokay, okay, poor poor you.
Oh gosh, life was so hard, you know. And again I'm not

(13:28):
mad about that anymore. But Ican see why I haven't had this closure
in bond with my dad. Butagain, to be honest, my dad's
not super touchy feely anyway, Sonone of it's kind of a shocker that
I, you know, I don'tcall my dad every day. I don't.
I'm not like, oh my god, I want to call my dad
and tell him blah blah blah.They're just that never has been there,

(13:48):
it still isn't now, And soI never felt like this huge pull to
like, oh, I need togo spend time with my dad. I
need to go spend time with mydad, because there's just I don't know
just is this makes sense? Yesit does. And from what I know
of you, you've had struggles withyour dad where he will call you,

(14:11):
and he will call you over andover and over again. It's like over
and over with nothing important to sayexcept what he wants to tell me.
There's never there's never been a closerelationship, right there was nothing to do.
He's not asking you about how youare and stuff like that, and
that's you know, he has dementia. Of course, it's your your mother

(14:37):
had demensia. You know, he'she's dealing with all of that. I'm
not providing excuses. I'm just sayingI don't think there really needs to be
an excuse, like your dad iswho your dad is, and your mom
is who your mom is, andI don't know, I've had to come
up with a lot of acceptance rightnow with my own family and just kind

(15:01):
of having to be like, theseare grown ass people that have made their
own grown ass decisions, and Iget frustrated, and but I mean,
we can we can do that atanother time. We'll have a care since
frustrated episode. Yeah, oh god. If we kept going on frustrations,

(15:22):
this would be like a seventeen hourfrustration and listeners would be like, I
thought this was funeral part two andthen it turned into an airing of grievances.
Yes, best of us, Yes, oh god, okay, that's
funny. But yeah, it's ofcourse, like you're not being like I
want to chill with my dad andhave conversations with my dad because your dad's

(15:46):
been difficult. Yeah, it's beenreally hard, especially over the last five
years for sure. Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So
this is my first time coming backout to see him. The reason I've
come out is, you know,he doesn't he hasn't called me much lately.
But I talked to my two brothersabout it, and they're like,

(16:07):
yeah, dad's losing his shit,like Dad's ginny skinny, Dad's whatever.
And this is when I so justto revisit this. I have my oldest
brother named David. He lives inthe area he's not a great human.
He's caused a lot of problems withinthe family and with my parents. And
that's like, that's like a Scandal'sepisode right there. So if you're wondering

(16:27):
what that is, yeah, itturns out David's kind of a Doche the
douchiest. So I was like,you know what, I need to go
out and see Dad before Christmas.Like, come on, don't I can
do this. So I booked aticket, and then my brother Mark,
Oh, I'm sorry, David's theoldest. Then there's Mike, and he's

(16:47):
a doctor. They live in Florida. He and I get along great.
Then there's Mark, uh, helives in Washington State. He and I
get along great. Never any issuesbetween the three of us anymore, which
is awesome. And so anyway way, Mark was like, well, I'm
going to fly out too, youknow, maybe we can overlap by day
and hang out like sweet. Andthen my brother Mike was like, oh,
well, hey, I'm going tobe in Hawaii and I'll be flying

(17:08):
actually into Salt Lake to pick upmy daughters to go to Boise. So
I think we're all gonna overlap bylike a day. Look at you guys,
circle in the wall, I know, hashtag tender Mercy or some shit.
Yeah, it's a homecoming, totalhomecoming. I don't know. As
I'm talking and I'm like, thisis the this is the first episode in

(17:30):
the new year for me, withit being solo. I'm just having all
of these ideas pop into my headabout things that I want to talk about,
and so I'm just I don't know. I know, we should have
brought a notepad. We will neverforget this, okay. But the one
thing I thought about was, like, the relationships that have healed with me
and my two brothers. It's beenfucking awesome. And I'll talk about them

(17:52):
in the future episode because there's thereis a lot of healing after culting,
you know, Yeah, you canleave the cults and heal people who are
still in it. Yeah, andI'm experiencing that and it's wonderful. It's
not always wonderful, and it's notwith all people, but you know,
the ones that are they really matter. Anyway, I digress. So I
flew into town and Kirsten picked meup and let me crash on her couch,

(18:17):
which was awesome. Met the wifeand she's amazing, and then the
next day, I Kirsten dropped meoff over where my dad lives. So
my dad he is not good,you guys, he is. So I'll
back it up for a second.When it was COVID, that was kind

(18:37):
of when all the shit started hittingthe fan with my parents. If you
all remember that my dad had quiteating, he had dropped a lot of
weight. He was skinny. Heweighed about one hundred and seventy pounds,
like just super skinny, like dude, what the hell? And we got
them all moved out. And thisthis entire stories in previous episodes, so
I'm not going to redo it.Like, go back and listen again if
you don't know the story started episodeThank you, Fie, thank you.

(19:03):
This is the first time I've beenlike co podcasting with someone where I wasn't
the one to say that it isfun to see progression. Oh yeah,
no, I for sure. Andyou're missing out on stories if you don't
go back to episode one. Okay, So he was like one hundred and
seventy pounds roughly, we got himmove, got him up to like hovering
around one seventy five one seventy six, which was Doable's skinny but better my

(19:30):
dad now weighs. This morning,he weighed one hundred and thirty eight pounds.
Oh no, he is six footone. Okay, yeah, he
shouldn't be that skinny. And listen, I you know, my brother Mark
has flown out here a lot oftimes. He lives in Washington States.

(19:51):
He flies out a lot to checkon my dad, and so we're all
aware, you know. But Ithink the combination of having all three of
us together was like, okay,to get shit done. And so I
sat for two days and watched mydad and it was basically he just wanted
to lay in bed. He wouldget up and go to the bathroom and

(20:11):
then go back and lay in bed. But yeah, all day, you
know, his he might be shuttingdown his organs. Oh yeah, might
be shutting down. Did they tellyou that at the care centers? They
say, hey, listen, Maybethey didn't say anything about organs specific organs
shutting down. But of course,the less you eat, the less energy

(20:33):
you have, which makes you eatless, and then you sleep more and
you eat less and you move less. And yeah, I mean it's I
feel like it's the natural progression.Yeah, definitely. I mean, any
hospice person would tell you, Yeah, that's this is Yeah, it shuts
down, sure, yeah, andyou stop eating. Yeah, and yep,

(20:55):
and he's he doesn't he doesn't wantto eat. And so if no
one's there actively putting food in hismouth, it just doesn't want to eat.
I mean he'll like go grab apopsicle out of the freezer from time
to time. Yeah, but clearlyif you've dropped that much weight since you
know, my mom died in Augustof just this last year of twenty twenty
three, so yeah, last year, that's a lot of weight to drop,

(21:18):
yeah quickly. Yeah, he usedto be super social, mister social
guy. Now he's a hermit.He doesn't want visitors because I think he's
embarrassed. I don't know, thisis me putting words in his mouth.
What do you mean about visitors wholike the other residents or yeah, I

(21:41):
mean he doesn't go out of hisroom on his own anymore. And if
someone comes over to visit, likeMark's son Luke comes to visit sometimes,
and it's just kind of a painfulsort of it's like because he's got to
get out of bed, you know, and what if he's had an accident,
and yeah, maybe he just youknow, he just wants to go
to sleep, Like, oh,this person is staying a really long time.

(22:02):
I just want to go to sleep. Yeah, So he the enjoyment
in his life is nothing. Idon't He didn't smile the whole time I
was there, And of course Icracked jokes because I'm the funny one,
you know, I don't say,but he didn't laugh. He just looks

(22:23):
exhausted, exhausted. So he wasin the act of living side of Jamestown.
It's the retirement or the senior whatwould we call what is it called?
We called him old folks homes backin the day. We don't do
that anymore. Yes, we're gonnago with that. My mom before she

(22:44):
passed, was in the memory careside, which has a lot more lot
Yes, yeah, and so decisionwas made. I'm like Mike, Mark,
I think Dad's got to go tomemory care. This is this is
fucking nuts. And we talked aboutit like yeah, you know, will
help him make the decision, butthe decision has kind of been made.

(23:06):
So to what happened all day todayis Mike and Mark and I with zero
help from David, of course,because he doesn't help us douche town.
Yeah, because yeah, douchetown whoactually lives in town but cannot help.
Oh, I know I will anyway, but I get protective of Yes,

(23:27):
I really slap well, I justkind of want to be like, hey,
you you you like I'm kind oflike McFly you, hey you take
her damn hands off her? LikeI just get I don't know. I
mean, I say things like Iwant to slap him in the stupid face,

(23:48):
and I mean it, but whatI ever actually sat? I wouldn't.
I just said could, No,I couldn't. Okay, I know
you shouldn't anyway. I just Iwant to slap him on his stupid mouth.
Not ever, I'm so rude anyway, continue cut that out. No,
I leave it in Dan Dan anyway, So we spent all day today

(24:15):
moving my dad. Well, firstwe talked to this warning and it was
like, hey, dad, sothis is kind of what we're thinking.
Do you think it's a good idea? And he just shut down. Yeah,
because he'll lay in bed and openhis eyes and talk sort of.
But he basically pretended like he hadfallen back asleep immediately. I know he
hadn't. He just shut down,And so we just said, okay,

(24:37):
Dad, well we feel like thisis the best thing for everyone, and
so we're going to do this andit's going to be fine. You can
just lay here and nap and we'lltake care of it. So yeah,
that we all fucking day was movingall of my dad's ship and my day
into a new room. Okay,good, I'm glad that happened. Is

(24:59):
he does he remember? Like what'shis His long term memory is decent,
But when we told him we weremoving him and why, then he he
you know, for plaly the firstcouple of hours he was asking us every
twenty thirty minutes, what are wewhat are you doing? Why are we
doing this? This is ridiculous.Yeah, okay, so memory care,

(25:22):
Yeah, definitely, I wonder Iremember. I mean not to laugh,
but no, you're you're right,You're right. It's just gallows humor at
this point. Yeah. So again, that was today, and that's why
I'm out here my dad. Idon't know if he'll be around much longer.

(25:44):
I don't know at this rate.No, will he eat more in
the memory care He'll have more opportunity, he'll have more people wanting him to
eat and trying to get him toeat. But at the end of the
day, if dude's over it,he's over it. And the sounds a
little cold. Maybe it's because I'mkind of I've kind of stepped back emotionally

(26:04):
from my dad way more than Idid my mom, and I just if
I look at it logically, homeboyis miserable. Well, it sounds like
acceptance, Like maybe you have gonethrough several of okay, so the grieving
process, Yeah, all of thosesteps. Right, maybe you've done a

(26:26):
lot of them already, especially withyour mama, but with your pops,
you've probably already gone through it.You're not denying it, right, right,
You're not angry, right, AndI don't know. You're right,
I'm not angry. I don't misshim. That sounds bad maybe, but

(26:47):
I don't like It's not like I'mworried about losing this relationship that I have
with my father because it just reallyisn't much of one. Yeah, that's
fair. Really, Yes, Isound I feel No, No, you
don't. It's okay to admit that. It's not even admittance. It's okay

(27:10):
to acknowledge that you just don't havea close relationship with your pops and especially
not lately. But it's okay,Like you're not a bad person. I
mean, it just is what itis. And I hate that phrase is
but but it is what it is. It actually fits, it actually is,

(27:38):
And I think we beat ourselves upover shit like that. And if
I can just give you some mercy. You came here to help your pops
who needed to be in memory care. That's what it's called, who needed
to be in memory care. Youshowed up, you're here. Are you

(28:00):
going to be all huggy and we'reall gonna understand each other's jokes and isn't
this great? And like let's nuzzleeach other. No, that's never been
your relationship, and especially now atthe end of his life, it's not.
He doesn't want that. He wantsto go to sleep. Yeah,
he's done. He doesn't want toeat, he doesn't really, he's confused,

(28:23):
and he's like, what the fuckare you doing with my shit?
Yeah? Yeah, Well what we'redoing with your shit is we're moving you
to a place where people are goingto care for you and help you to
eat. As long as you're interested, that's it. But that his whole
life has been that. That's true. As long as you're interested. Shit.

(28:47):
Yeah, I guess he's always beenthe one to kind of call the
shots, you know. Yeah,and I guess it's only fitting that he
calls the shots on the way outtoo, Yeah, your joys. Yeah,
and he's shitting himself, yeah,and pissing himself. I don't mean
to be crude. I really's areally bad way, but like it's real,

(29:08):
Okay, I don't Yeah, I'mjust kind of a sailor in my
mouth. But like if I wasdefecating and urinating on myself, take me
out, please, please, Likeif someone has to help me clean myself
off. I mean I would appreciatethat people doing that, but I would

(29:29):
be very sad. Yeah, andI would kind of be like, I
can't take care of myself anymore,so maybe I just want to go.
Yeah, And especially someone like mydad, who has never leaned on anyone
for help ever. He's always beenthe one. He's doing it all.
He's the doer. So to havehim be the one who has to have
someone like clean him off, canyou imagine? God? No, I

(29:56):
mean I know only okay, we'rein our forties, but even when I
get sick at this age, I'mjust kind of a lone wolf. Yeah,
I kind of want to. Idon't want people watching me throw up.
No, no, no, no, I want people to, you
know, after I've thrown up andI've handled my shit in the bathroom,

(30:19):
but I've done all of the girl'sbodily fluids. Do I want someone to
tell me that they love me?Do I want them to stroke my head
and tell me I'm pretty? I'mjust kidding, but I know you're not.
But but I don't want people tosee me do that, because that's

(30:41):
your most vulnerable, Like you feellike you're going to die. Yep,
you feel literally shitty. Yeah,that would suck us so bad. And
he's like, okay, well,I'm just this dude that just shit himself.
It's horrible here I am, andnow someone has to help me because

(31:03):
I can't do it. Yeah,that would be so hard. I know
everyone has their like culpability with that. Yeah, but I think my level
is like way low. I belike, you know what, I've shipped
myself five times now, I'm over, Bring me the smothering pillow right,
where's that drip? Please? Withthe more y and me where it is?

(31:29):
My mom my? Mom? Shewould pee yourself and be like,
guess what, I just peed andlaugh like it because it was such a
different personality, Like that is socute, that's so Rose, Honey,
it's so Rod back in Saint ohOff when I pissed myself. Oh my
god, wasn't Wasn't that great?That's awesome? Yeah, point being that

(31:56):
sounds horrible. I hope my dadgoes sooner rather than lay or for the
sake of everyone involved. I thinkit's the most I think it's the kindest
thing that can happen at this point. Anyway, That's why I'm here,
and I'm sure I will be doingmore episodes about my dad as things progress.
But yeah, we were going tostart with the funeral part two,

(32:17):
and then Kirsten walked in the door. I was already her house, and
she's like, we need to talkabout your dad because it's fresh and it
just happened. I'm like, fuck, you know what, Yeah, you're
right because it's in my head andI'm it's why you're here right now.
That's true, good point, Thatis why I'm out here. Literally.
Okay, so we've covered that.Okay, about your pop, Dad's in

(32:38):
memory care, go there. Wego. This was literally just a few
hours ago. Yeah, no,yeah, this is what I was doing
all this This is bullshit. It'shard. Okay, So let's talk about
your mom's funeral. Yeah, soI made some notes. Oh good,
and check this out my mom's funeral. Who was back in August, And

(33:01):
I recorded that funeral episode with Kimberlyjust a few days later. It was
very fresh and wow, just afew days later, Yeah it was.
It was fresh in my mind smokes. And then yeah, I just kind
of forgot about it. Not forgotabout it, but like you all know,
my life has been a shit stormfor the rest of twenty twenty three,

(33:25):
so many other things I've had tobe dealing with, and so when
I was realizing, shit, Ineed to do Funeral part two, I
was like, well, I shouldprobably listen to Funeral Funeral part one because
I don't remember it. I listenedto it. I don't know, like
a week ago. That shit tookme back there. I was crying while

(33:45):
I was listening. It was like, oh no, this still is in
me, this still hurts. There'sstill so much of course, yeah,
that's your mama. Yeah. Itwas interesting because I hadn't thought about it,
and I'm like, oh, letme listen to that episode real quick
so I know where to pick itup again. Oh fuck, I was

(34:08):
shit, you're going to be scratchingthe surface for yes many years? Oh
god, probably, I know.So not a recap, but I remember
at the end of the episode ofpart one, Kimberly was guessing that I
will well have said a bunch ofswear words in the talk that I was

(34:29):
going to give in the funeral.Yeah, but guess what, No,
I didn't swear at all. Soall of you who had money bets saying
that I would say swear words,No, you lost? Yell lost?
Yeah lost? What'd you do?Well? I'm I'm gonna tell you all
right. The things that hit melistening to that episode again was basically,

(34:50):
again, you know, the wholefeeling like I needed to ask permission from
prese to authority, like that wholeit's just still in there. I don't
I don't know at what point andex Mormon gets in their lives where it
doesn't feel and the dressing of thebody and putting on the temple clothes all
that shit. Yeah yeah, AndI you know, listeners write in and
let me know, if you've beenout for a long time, have you

(35:14):
finally gotten to the point where youdon't once in a while have this feeling
that you need to ask some dudespermission for something, even the smallest thing.
Is that? Do we ever getout of that completely? Kirsten?
Does that hit you ever? Still? Yes? I The way it hits
me is I was telling you myshot buddy Kennedy. I'm a hairdresser and

(35:38):
she's a coworker of mine. Hertherapist said that the biggest fear for men
is being laughed at. That makessense, not being taken seriously. The
biggest fear for women is being killed, shit eaten. There you go crazy

(36:04):
from laugh to someone might beat theship out of me. So yeah,
I walk around this world as awoman, and I am careful with certain
people and and it's usually men,interesting sometimes it's really rude women. But
whatever, whatever, Karen, allthe cute Karens that wonderful they're called?

(36:30):
Who started that? Can we callthem? I don't know, Blaren's make
up a whole last name if they'refrom utably McLarens and Okay Blarenson, Okay
Blair and mcclarens. We talk toyourn but yeah, I do. I

(36:55):
don't know. I'm I'm I'm strong, I'm I'm a tough chick. Yeah,
but I also know that this worldhasn't caught up with how I feel
about myself, right, and sosometimes I gotta be like, okay,
ding dong, who thinks you're incharge of me? I almost feel like

(37:21):
it's like they're there. Hey,you know, like it's almost like running
preschool. Not all men, okay, listeners, not all men, we
get it, no for the experiencerebut you know, male listeners, you
know that there are douchebags out there, and women are It's not easy.

(37:46):
It's not easy to be a woman. I'm literally afraid of being hurt,
especially where I work downtown, LikeI keep my eye on everything. Yeah,
yeah, I guess maybe it's justsomething that just is always in you.
I don't know. Re Listening tothat episode, it was weird for
me to be like, oh yeah, I instantly reverted to feeling like I

(38:07):
needed to ask a man's permission forsomething like the fuck you know? Yeah,
so I don't I'm hoping dude,I hear that. Don't you wish
you could do it over and belike, yes, hey, guess what,
motherfucker, I'm going to put theveil over my mom's face and you
have nothing to do with it.Yeah, I'm giving shit what you think

(38:27):
I might put it over my facefirst, just to desecrate that shit,
And then I know, I knowno, But that's the thing, like
you you learn, you do,you do. I just was kind of
I'm not surprised. It just hitme again, like oh yeah, there's
there is still some submissive ass Mormonwife part of me that's not been healed

(38:51):
completely yet. Do and that's okay. You're DNA, like you're literally genetic
memory. I've heard of it.Like when I hear the bagpipes, I'm
like, oh my god, I'mhomesick. Yeah, like I've I've never
been to Ireland, Scotland or Wales, but that's where my people come from.
And when I hear Celtic music,I'm like, oh I'm homesick.

(39:14):
Well shit, that is genetic memory, bitch. Yeah yeah, well yeah
that did. That should definitely hithits in DNA. It is, it
is, it is, and it'sokay, Like here you are talking about
it, being like I can't believeI asked for permission. Okay, so
what Yeah, well, I'm gladyou want me to slap you on the
face for it than you maybe myass. Okay, I'll slap for it.

(39:38):
I'm sure i'd be like, goodjob. Look at you. You
look at you, just going like, hey, that was fucked up,
dude. That's all we can dois people. You're right, like,
why do we beat ourselves up?I shouldn't beating myself up. I shouldn't
be rolling my eyes about what Idid. Just be No, well,
it was an experience. And guesswhat I'm going to talk about it,
you know, and look you haveself realization, like you're like, oh,

(40:05):
this happened. I'm aware. That'sevolution. Well ship, Yeah,
because I didn't. I wasn't awareI was doing that. So the next
time your mom dies, just givingfucking a kirs, didn't you only die
once? I don't know. Maybewe don't know. We don't know all
things. Jury's out. That's true, that's true. I mean Lazarus had

(40:27):
to die twice, right, Idon't care. Didn't care. I don't
care. That's good. Yeah,So are you this is gonna take all
night to get through this? Well, no, it's life, love it,
I'm having a great time. I'mjust talking with you. How we
go that's true? Okay, butgo okay, let's talk about your mom.

(40:50):
So okay, okay, focus,focus, well the bulk of no,
you know this is great. Okay, I'm and I'm easy to de
real you are easy. I'm aboutit and you're all about railing the fuck
I'm dirty. It's funny to me. Okay. Oh shit, Okay.

(41:15):
So, so my brother Mark wasthe one who was assigned, I guess,
to put together the program for thefuneral. And when he asked me
if I wanted to talk at thefuneral, that was a beautiful moment because
to me that signified kind of hiscomplete I don't want to say acceptance of

(41:38):
me, because it makes it soundlike he didn't accept me, but his
complete trust that I loved my momand respected my mom and would say good
things. Well, here's the thing, dude, Like you're walking into a
Mormon chapel with all of your tattoois and your gayness. And I'm sure

(42:02):
he was like, I wonder howthis is gonna go. But guess what,
man, Yeah, it's not hisgoddamn decision. And of course you
would be appropriate Jesus, but ofcourse you will. Of course, yeah,
of course I would. But Icould like that. I like that
I could see for you, likeI could see if this steps sure,

(42:23):
if this had been like four yearsago or something. I don't know,
because there was a time in Markand I didn't talk because there was some
anger about me leaving the church inthe podcast all that my health. But
I could see where he would havemaybe been like I don't think we want
her to talk. I don't know. Maybe maybe maybe not. I don't
know, but you don't know.I don't. But the fact that Mark

(42:45):
and I and Mike we really bondedover the love that we have for our
mom as she was passing away,and that I think that I we all
saw each other like like truly sawthe human uh and the love that we
have for a mom, and thattrumped everything. Yeah, that over,

(43:06):
you know. Now it did causethe problem, not a problem, but
in the previous episode, the funeralepisode, there was an issue of is
Shelley allowed to touch the veil orwhatever? And you know, go back
and listen if you forgot, you'llfind out what happened. But and you
were a badass, and you didexactly what I was gonna do. That's
right, that is your mom wantedthat. Yes, please. So when

(43:29):
I was going to prepare this talk, it's like, God, what am
I what? I don't know whatam I going to say? Because I
didn't expect for a second that Iwould be asked to be on the program
to talk. I just didn't seeit come in. I don't know why
I didn't. I just assumed andI don't know why, but I but
that's what happened in my head.It took it took me a bit to

(43:50):
kind of come to terms with whatI was going to say. The first
thing I thought was, well,I'm just going to read some quotes from
other people about my mom because that'ssafe and it's easy and whatever. But
then I just kind of felt likeI want to give more. You know,
there's more in me than that.What did you say? Well,
I am so glad you asked that, because I have an audio recording of

(44:15):
my talk that I will share witheveryone right after we take this break.
Oh yes, m hmm, beright back. I didn't get a chance

(44:37):
to print this out. Sorry.I've been working on what to say for
a while, but it's hard becausewe have eighteen kids hanging out in Airbnb
with not enough adults and there's beenfires to put out. I'm kidding.
They're great, great kids, butthere's so much fun, just like m

(45:00):
Jay, that I get distracted andhave to go, you know, paint
nails with everyone to celebrate Grandma orseeing teat teep, Guten appetite and all
the things that Grandma was famous for. I'm Shelley, I'm the youngest and
only daughter, and I just wantto say that I'm actually the favorite.

(45:22):
Sorry, I'm speaking after you.Mark. You can't dispute that my mom
was born to be a grandma.She crushed Grandma hoood. I hope I
can be half the grandma. Idon't need grandkids yet, so don't start

(45:44):
there. She was the type thatwould just when my kids were little,
I lived in Utah, and shewould just call out of the blue and
say, hey, can I comepick up the kids to do something fun.
Now, there was no guarantee thatshe would buckle them in the car
seat correctly, no guarantee that shewouldn't just feed them jello and bananas,

(46:07):
but it was always a guarantee thatthey would feel loved and have a blast
with Grandma Jay, and they hadno idea that their lives were in danger,
so it didn't matter. They justhad a great time. My mom,
she was a rule follower unless shedidn't want to follow that rule,

(46:30):
and then she was very good atlooking the other way. Some of the
fondest memories I have of my momwas when she would take me to the
store before girls camp and we wouldload up a cart with everything you would
need to pull pranks for a week, everything from Barbie dolls and plastic dinosaurs

(46:52):
and huge underwear to raise the topof the flag pole before morning devotional to
vasilene and saran wrap to booby trapthe porta potties. She was about it.
She was always up for a goodprank, and she never told on

(47:13):
me, which I appreciated that shewas my prank confidante. I could talk
for hours, literally about how funmy mom was. Any of you who
know her, you're like, yeah, it does. She's fun, But
she being a prankster that my momwas, you almost weren't sure she would

(47:34):
be that way because she was alwayssmiling and so nice, But that twinkle
sometimes wasn't that she was happy tosee you. Sometimes it's like, oh,
yeah, it's going down and youwouldn't know, and it was coming,
and I'm a little worried that she'splanning something right now. So if
I'm like this, that's what's happening. My mom was also the popular lady

(47:57):
her whole life, but actually inthe memory care center, the staff there,
they were so impressed how many peoplewould come see her every single day.
And I'm not just talking about thefive or more times per day that
my dad would visit. One ofmy favorite pictures is my loyal dad when
he had COVID peering into my mom'swindow just to see her, and the

(48:25):
look on my mom's face was awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I
haven't lived in Utah for almost twentyyears, but when I got messaged,
when I posted on social media thatmy mom had passed or that she was

(48:45):
getting ready to pass and that shewas in the memory care unit, I
would have people that I had noidea who they were, know that I
was her daughter, and they wouldmessage me, how can I go see
your mom? What time can Igo see your mom? When can I
go see your mom? For me, that's just such a beautiful thing.
Everyone wanted to be around her,and I know they left visiting her coming

(49:07):
in happier and more uplifted and havinga brighter view on life just from the
time that they were able to sharewith my mom. And that's exactly how
I felt too. Over the pastcouple of years, I was able to
fly out dozens of times to helpcare for her, but I know the
love I felt from her every singletime I visited. Made every long layover,

(49:30):
every ridiculous jet lag, all themist sleep, all the mist work,
missing my kids, it was allworth it to spend those moments with
the most wonderful woman in the world. Speaking of social media, when I
posted on Facebook about my mom's passing, my post became flooded with replies and

(49:52):
I felt really popular. But itwas about my mom, So I'm going
to give that to She affected everyoneshe met and always for the better.
And I'd like to just share reallyquickly some of these posts with you,
not all of them, because we'dbe here past funeral potatoes. She was

(50:14):
truly one of a kind, hasa heart of gold, and she will
be missed. I absolutely loved yourmom, worked with her for years.
She brought so much joy to mylife. Quote I loved you, Dixie,
my childhood friend. Close quote Ilove Dixie. She was one of
the best people I have ever known, with a heart of gold, hugs

(50:37):
and a heart your mom was anabsolute angel to our family, ward and
neighborhood. Dixie always made me feelso welcome in the Burro Up family.
She was a vivacious and fun personand will be greatly missed. Dixie lit
up every room she entered with herenergy and love. That's so true.

(50:58):
You just couldn't be sad around her, couldn't. It was impossible. Nothing
but memories of her being so kind, helpful, and loving to everyone.
I always loved her smiles and herhugs. I always thought your mom was
amazing. I knew your mother fromjunior and senior high school. We dated
many times. Sorry, Dad,it didn't work out. It's okay.

(51:23):
You got the girl school dances,nears parties, attending in those days,
church eating, saccarm meetings. Shewas a great friend. What a great
lady. She always made all ofus feel like we were her kids.
Even after the mission, we wouldsee her in Eagle Mountain and she would
treat my wife and my kids thesame way. She will be missed.
Thank you for sharing her with us. The Cookie Grandma will be missed.

(51:49):
She was such a light. Loveher so much so sincerely blessed to be
one of her missionaries. Sending youall my loving prayers. There is no
one else like her. She livedacross the street from my parents for years
and we loved to play at theCookie Grandma's house. I remember playing in
their playhouse when when we were little. She was the sweetest person ever.

(52:13):
If any of you did not geta chance to play in the playhouse,
y's I'm sorry. I'm sorry,this is maybe amazing. She was one
of a kind and one of thekindest souls. We love the Cookie Grandma.
By the way, COVID did notget Cookie Grandma down. I have
seen pictures of her leaning over therailing on her porch with long tongs to

(52:36):
hand the cookies to the children asthey lined up so safety first, but
she wasn't gonna drop the ball onthat. We love her so much and
are so grateful for the memories thatwe made with her. She was so
wonderful with my kiddos and loved wearingher unicorn pajamas with my daughter. Who

(52:57):
got those for her? By theway, manyone want to admit to that.
Nope, Okay, she probably boughtthem herself. Sister Johnson was such
an amazing mom. I remember beinga brand new missionary, half scared to
death, and she made me feelso loved and welcome to the mission field.
I love your mom so much.She called to seeing happy birthday to
me on my birthday. I'll neverforget it or the unconditional love she offered.

(53:22):
I'm not sure until my mom gotquite old that she ever ever missed
a birthday for my kids. Ihave seven, by the way, so
there's plenty of time to miss one. But she always called, and the
kids were always happy, and italways was just Grandma and Grandpa singing Happy
Birthday. What a wonderful gift tomy kids. We got to be their

(53:43):
neighbor for a short, wonderful timethey were Grandma and Grandpa Jay. My
kids loved going down to their houseand they always had cookies and kindness to
share. I love her smile.She never let a challenge get her down.
As missionaries, she showed true leadershipand courage. She made sure that
we knew that if she could doit, then we could do it.
Absolutely one of the sweetest, kindest, loveliest women I've ever known. I

(54:06):
feel so blessed and grateful for thetime I was able to be in the
mission president with her and President Johnson. I remember how determined she was to
learn better German. I remember herworking in the kitchen one day with her
German helper, and they would practiceGerman as they were cleaning and meal prepping.
She always had a smile and alwaysbrought a smile to my face and
heart. This one's a little longer, but I love it. This was

(54:28):
from one of her past missionaries.He says, my first month in the
mission fields, Sister Johnson and Igot to talking about how it's going,
and when we did, she beganto sob. She just cried and cried
and unloaded on me how hard itwas and how the language was daunting.
And I was right there with her, expressing what empathy I could, while
being like, oh my gosh,what do I do. This sweet lady's

(54:50):
just crying and I don't know howto help, And on top of that,
she's hugging me. Me pause onthe hugging thing. My mom gave
the best hugs. And she's thetype that if you're like hanging out and
then you go, oh, I'mgonna run in my car and get something,
she's gonna hug you before you goto your car, and then she's
gonna hug you when you come backin. Like it's been years, but
she just gave like that. UhAnyway, he says it was so powerful

(55:14):
for me going forward because I knewI had this friend that was going through
what I was going through. ButI also knew that she loved me and
trusted me with that kind of vulnerability. My mom was never afraid to be
vulnerable, and it gave me strengthto be okay being vulnerable as well.
He says, I can't really describehow I felt about it except that it
was a beautiful breakdown that we shared. And going forward, I watched her

(55:37):
fight and I thought, if shecan, I can. And I never
worried about what she thought of meor my efforts. I just knew she
loved me for being there. Yeah, that was my mom. She loved
everyone, She judged no one.So for those of you who don't know,

(55:58):
I was raised in the church andI chose a different path a few
years ago, and I know thatwas hard for my mom. When I
told my mom I was gay.I know that was hard for her too.
But you know what she did.She found and joined an LGBTQ support
group so she could get to knowsome gaze to better understand me. That's

(56:22):
who my mom was. She lovedfirst. She never judged. I never,
once in my life have felt judgmentfor my mom. Only love.
There's no one my mom couldn't love, and there was no one my mom
wouldn't love. I'd like to endby bearing my mom's testimony for her,

(56:45):
since she can't do it for herselfnow. If she was standing right here
right now, she would say,I know that Heavenly Father lives, and
that Jesus gave his life to theweak and all returned to live with him
again. And I know the Churchis true. I'm grateful for the restored
Gospel that teaches us that families areforever. I'm grateful for all the missionaries

(57:12):
in the world who are sharing thegospel. Reading the scriptures and going to
the temple helps me feel closer tomy heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for
everything I have been blessed with andI love every single one of you in
the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. Yeah, so that's that was it.

(57:38):
Yeah, it still just kind ofgets me to listen to it.
I don't know, I just whatare you feeling over there, Kirsten?
Well, I mean just sorry,look at me crying like I never do
that. Anyone who knows me knowsI cry over everything. But I was

(57:59):
just really sweet, and it makesme think about sorry. And I don't
know if you can hear that.I'm unrolling toilet paper and ripping it off
and dabbing my eyes. I mean, the first thing I was thinking was
I wish I knew your mom.I wish I had known her, you

(58:21):
know. I met her briefly,Yeah, for a second. She was
so happy and cute. And Iremember when we were moving stuff out of
their house for them to go intoassisted living, so many neighbors drop by,
yeah, and kept talking about cookiesand are they okay? And what's

(58:44):
going on and you know, andstuff and please tell Dixie which And by
the way, I love the nameDixie, for she would have given herself
that name. It's just it's ahappy enjoys I don't know. It was
just cute to see all the neighborsdropping by and the little kids. There

(59:07):
were so many little ones, yeah, that kept coming by and being like,
what's going on? Like all theselesbians moving a whole bunch of shit
out Dixie. Right, I'm like, oh, hi, little ones,
because you know, I turned intoMary Poppins every time. But their parents
were with them and they were askingafter your parents. Yeah, I wish

(59:31):
I had known your dad too.It sounds like he was a good grandpa
or I mean, he is agood grandpa. Obviously now he's in a
different space, but I wish Ihad gotten to know him too. I
know he's been difficult, but itsounds like when they were together and they're

(59:57):
sweet, minds were intact, theywere really really good and people loved them
and I don't know, and thenat the end, dude, I gotta
say this shit right now. You'reso brave. Thank you. You said
that in a Mormon chapel. I'mgay. Yeah, I sure did.

(01:00:23):
Yeah, are you planning to saythat? It's yes and no. It's
one of those things where you thinkabout and you're like, but I don't
know if I will like, we'llsee right, well, like we're gonna
read the room or whatever, right, And I remember it just felt like

(01:00:44):
it's it's like because of who Iam being gay and the way that my
mom handled it, like this wasmy story that I owned that only I
knew about how how fucking badass mymom was and how much she loved.

(01:01:05):
No one else had that story,you know, I don't know's it's ah,
how do I put this? It'slike, so there's people who were
good and kind and awesome and wonderfuland they're amazing and I love that and
that's great, Okay. My momis one of those people. My mom
is also one of those people whowill love through the difficult things that they're

(01:01:27):
not necessarily supposed to love through,you know what I mean. Yeah,
like those of you who aren't sureabout this, Mormon teachings now are like,
yeah, you know, love thegays, but don't let them make
you gay it. But it usedto be, you know, in the
kind of like in the years whenI was coming out, it was you
just weren't accepted, you know.And this is only six years ago.

(01:01:50):
When I came out six seven yearsago, and so but what my mom
would have heard her whole life aboutthe gays was how horrible and it could
wicked and evil and and you knowhow they're choosing to sin and then and
they're destroying the traditional family. Andso she went through all of that training
and brainwashing. But because my mom'sheart is so pure and beautiful. When

(01:02:15):
I came out of the closet andmy dad was like, Oh, as
long as you don't act on yourfeelings, blah blah, I'm like he's
doing. He's like, you know, the hardline of the church. And
my mom is like finding an LGBTQplus group to join, to meet some
gaze And it craped me up becauseshe told me she's like, I'm meeting
some gays meeting. I'm like,oh my god, Rose. I mean

(01:02:36):
they say this is so cute.Oh yeah, well she's roseantics she is
she is. So I don't know. I just felt like it was almost
my responsibility to share that story becauseit's so I don't know, like my
brothers could never share that story.They don't have that story. They don't
have that the gay thing. Idon't know. I don't know how to
say this right. That is oneof the biggest things that's ever happened in

(01:03:00):
your life. And same for me. When I came out to my parents,
I was like I'd come out toa lot of people. Yeah.
My mom was like, Kirsten,do you have something you'd like to tell
me? It was over the fuck. It was over the phone. It

(01:03:22):
was like and she's like, Kirsten. She literally said this, Kirsten,
come out with it. Oh sheknew. Oh, Doc Gatar was on
point for sure. But but thatwas a moment in my life that was

(01:03:43):
like, that was a life eventfor me absolutely, just like like having
a child, having a breakup,you don't forget that shit, having a
death, yeah, getting married yep, coming out to your mom, yeah,
coming out to your dad, Yeah, it is so important and so

(01:04:08):
full of whatever it's going to beabsolutely gosh. And I love that your
mom was like I'm going to gomeet some gays. Yeah, so her
and yeah, and again it's likemy mom was so kind and giving in
every single way, and she waskind of giving in a way that like

(01:04:31):
kind of bucked the system. Youknow. Yeah, well she's your mom.
She's my fucking mom, right,and is your mama? Yes?
Yes? And I felt in themoment when I decided like, yeah,
I'm going to say this, itwas like I can't not share this.
No, this is too big,this is too much who my mom is.
Yes, right, oh, ohI'm sorry. I thought you meant

(01:04:55):
about coming out. Yeah, sharingthat story at the funeral. Yes,
yes, I love that you didthat. You know what, this fucking
world needs to hear about the gays. We're out here. Just we ain't
going nowhere bitches. No, yeah, we're just getting gay or no,
I'm just kidding. Bet that thinglike it's like either are you aren't pregnant?

(01:05:16):
I don't know, I don't know. You know, I'm glad that
I did. We too tell thatstory for a numerous reasons, but one
of them is after the funeral,so many people came up to me in
a way that I know they wouldn'thave come up to me had I not
told that story. And it wasit was hugs of people that I'm not

(01:05:39):
sure I knew, And thank youso much for what you shared, for
what you shared. Yes, andmy brother spoke to and people like shook
his hand and was like that wasa nice talk. But it was different
yes with me, because I knowthat there are so many current LDS people
out there who either are gay orhave children who are, and are like,

(01:06:00):
oh my god, well how doI what do I believe this?
And how do I whatever that?And yeah, I would have I would
have missed the opportunity to share somethingso beautiful about my mom had I been
afraid to say that. So Ifucking said it. I'm so like not
that. You know, I hateit when people say I'm so proud of
you, because but I am soimpressed and inspired and relieved, believed,

(01:06:27):
relieved because people need to talk aboutthis, and you know, you did
it in a way where people aren'tgoing to clutch their pearls and have a
cow and if they do, theycan actually fuck off, right, But
you bringing that in that's inspiring andit's so important and I am relieved because

(01:06:50):
this world needs to fucking get withit. Thank you. And your mom
got with it. She got sheoldest fuck got with that. She because
she loved me. You know thisis I love it. So I this

(01:07:11):
is touchy going forward with the podcast. I don't want to told myself,
I don't really want to talk aboutme and Mary type stuff, but there
is something I want to say andby the end of our time together.
And this wasn't It's not about thebreakup. This is just kind of our

(01:07:32):
differing opinions. She didn't agree alot with some of the things that I
did concerning the church. For example, she did not want to approve of,
like whatever, of me burying mymom's testimony for her. Didn't think
I should have done the veil,didn't think I should have, you know,

(01:07:54):
even spoken spoke. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have given a talk
at the funeral. Yeah, andevery you know, Mary has every right
to that opinion, absolutely, Ithink though talking with you about it since
hereson, since you are also exMormon, and you also have people still

(01:08:15):
in the church, Like I justfeel really strongly that there are people still
in the church. They are stuckfor one reason or another, whether they
somehow still believe that bullshit, orthere's pressure, whatever it is, they're
stuck and they are gay or transor whatever, or they have family who

(01:08:38):
is this way. And so forme to be able to use my life
experiences and who I am and putthat out there in a fucking creepy Mormon
church with all the weird shit thata lot of people would say, why
would you even go in there?You hate that, you hate everything about

(01:08:59):
it, Why would you and goto the fucking funeral? Like, well,
I don't think anyone would say that, not out loud, you know.
I do know people who would neverstep in foot into it a and
that's okay, and that's on andthat's that's your story. Yeah, yeah,
whatever. Everyone's experience is different.Absolutely. For me, I feel

(01:09:19):
like still participating in things in away that is comfortable for me, and
even if it's a little uncomfortable forme whatever, Well, yeah, if
I can see myself. First ofall, it was your mother's funeral,
thank you. Second fall, itwas going into a Mormon church of course,
that's where your mother had her course. And I wasn't going to boycott

(01:09:41):
that Shit's gonna happen with my momtoo. Yeah, probably most of our
listeners. That shit either has happenedor will happen, will happen, and
talking about it is awesome. Andhad I shied away from the veil part,
you know, I was. Iis told by some people that why
would you even want to be there? If if and take part in these

(01:10:05):
horrible rituals, and I that wasn'tmy focus. My focus was being there
for my mother and dressing her anddressing her and that and that respect.
I mean, obviously it's all stupidbullshit. It is all stupid bullshit.
Of course it didn't matter to her. Yes, and you, as you
said in your talks, were herfavorite. Absolutely was her favor. You're

(01:10:30):
a woman. I want a womandressing me. Yeah. Yeah, well
actually I just want to be putinto the incenter, I know, taking
all my clothes up slowly gently withmusic playing in the back, kidding.
Oh god, that handles. Ohyour dad has stopped fucking ache kres ten

(01:10:53):
you that's it. You're never comingback on the show started. You're right,
I know you are correct Callum's humor. Any I know I was thinking
I was thinking too about me buryingmy mom's testimony for her. And again
this was something that Mary and Ikind of butted heads about a lot.
Again, she has her opinion andthat's awesome, and I have my opinion.

(01:11:15):
That's awesome. Yeah, of courseI don't fault anything there. I'm
just I'm kind of pointing out,like a clear different way of seeing things,
and not everyone sees everything the sameway, and that's that's healthy,
actually, for not everyone to seeeverything the same way. For me to
have done everything that I did inthe funeral for my mom, dressing her
that was for her. It wasn'tfor the church. It was for her

(01:11:38):
because I knew she would want that, like having me be the one to
place the veil. And by theway, I did not place the veil
over her face. They said Icould put on the sides of her face,
and I fucking chose that in aheartbeat, Thank God. Right,
All these things that I wasn't supposedto be allowed to do, but I
did them anyway for my mom.In my mind, I'm like, if

(01:12:01):
I'm doing all these things for mymom, why would I not do the
last thing for her and bear hertestimony? Oh? I would you know?
Oh yeah, I mean yeah,the testimony thing. Whow that is
hard for sure. I bet thosewords coming out of your mouth where like
they feel very weird. Gig yesGod, and listen to me say that,

(01:12:27):
And I bet you listeners are likewhat the fuck listening to me say
them again? It's kind of likejarring because I did used to say those
things when I believed them, andnow I know it's bullshit. And now
I'm saying them again and it soundsword coming from my mouth. But again,
it's like this was an act formy mom, and I made it
clear these are my mom's words formy mom. And I'm sure a lot

(01:12:48):
of people aren't going to agree withthat, and I honestly would love to
hear opinions on that because there's alot of different opinions right right in.
Seriously, this is a good conversationto have because they want to give that
email if I can think of it, well, we can put that in
the show notes. Sorry, I'mstill getting my my mind wrapped around the

(01:13:09):
fact that I'm doing this podcast still, which I love that I am.
And again, Kirsten, thank youfor helping me out on this first one.
Out the door. You're welcome,sister. Thanks sister. Oh god,
I'm kidding. Oh. I wasgonna also apologize. I shouldn't preapologized,
but when I first started the audiorecording of me speaking like there was

(01:13:33):
like one measure of some random Mormonsong dude hearing organ inside of a Mormon
church. I don't care how longyou've been out of the church. That
shit will send ugly shivers, like, eh, God, I'm in a
church, right did you feel thatwhen you heard it? You're like,
oh, I'm in a church rightnow. Yeahah, and trigger warned for

(01:13:54):
sure. My wife is a pianist. And when it comes to funerals sometimes
you know, just depending on whoit is, you know, very close
people like her best friend, Aaron'shusband, his mom passed away. Okay,
Aaron was going to and did singat the funeral and Anne accompanied her.

(01:14:20):
But Anne also played all of themusic on the organ, and she
was like, I haven't played theorgan for a while. I'm like,
that's right, bitch, you've beenplaying my never mind, but playing your

(01:14:40):
organ. But it was just butit was so interesting, like how that
sounds. Of course Anne mastered itand it was gorgeous and amazing. But
yeah, I just went to thefuneral of one of my oldest friends from
childhood, her mom, Bonnie pastthat woman took us to dance classes,

(01:15:05):
picture us up from school, allof these things. And I'm like,
okay, I'm going to another Mormonfuneral. Here we go, gide up
and I walked in and of courseOregon and you're like, this is literally
the same thing. Yeah, andthen you sing an opening him, then

(01:15:27):
you sing a closing him. God, they do this everywhere, everywhere,
every time. It's a template.It's really not creative. It's discouraged to
be creative. Actually, we're I'mjust gonna have a fucking DJ at my
funeral and there will be no prayingand there will be an open bar.
There you go, everyone get drunk, and let's let's talk about Shelley and

(01:15:54):
what a dang dong she was allding dong all the time. After after
after my talk, the bishop spokenext, and he was the bishop that
I had, that was the onewho said I wasn't allowed to do shit.
And I tuned him out so fastI couldn't even tell you what he

(01:16:15):
said. It could have been beautiful, it probably wasn't. I tuned him.
It probably was not. I tunedhim out, and I was texting
friends and I was on Facebook becauseI don't I don't want to end that
funeral with that man's voice. Itturns into a sermon. He has a

(01:16:38):
Mormon sermon. Yes, yeah,I don't want that ship like, let's
let's end it on my mom lovedthe Gates. How about that? Yeah?
That end in my mind, thatmy drop my podium, that would
have that would have been the wayto do it for sure. So we
are and again everyone, thank youfor your patience. I'm still feeling figuring

(01:17:00):
out the timing of all these things. I'm looking at how much time we've
been in. I think we mayhave to make another commercial break. I
promise that this will run smoothly aswe continue on. Yeah, so don't
give up, people, Let's cutto commercial. Yeah, don't puss out.
Yeah, don't do that. Allright, We'll be right back,

(01:17:24):
enter back. Okay, So here'sthe thing. Now is the time that
you Normally I would do patrons,but I'm like, I've been in Utah
for a few days. I'm notprepared. I have nothing. We are
going to not do patrons today,and I apologize for that, but we
will be catching up on that.I wanted to talk just a few more
minutes about the rest of the weekthat I spent in Utah after the funeral,

(01:17:46):
because again, as I'm going forwardwith the podcast on my own,
I feel like a lot of thingsthat I want to talk about is healing.
You know, I've had a lotof years of angry podcast and don't
get me wrong. Shit gets meangry. Still yeah, me too,
of course, right, yeah,absolutely for bullshit. Still, yes,

(01:18:06):
I know, and there is rightyeah, And it's okay to be angry
and listen. Just because I'm kindof healing over some shit and fixing some
relationships, it doesn't mean you haveto. It doesn't mean that you're required
to grieving process. Yes, andthere are some relationships I have that I

(01:18:27):
don't want to fix. I'm like, suck it, I don't need this.
But there are some relationships within myfamily especially that have been healed and
it's fucking awesome. So the restof the week, a few days,
I guess it was after my mom'sfuneral, we stayed in this big airban
bead. It was my two brothers. My oldest brother was not invited because

(01:18:49):
he's an asshole piece of shit,So me, my two brothers and all
of their families and then my oldestbrother his children came, and his ex
wife came because she's awesome. Oh, so to have in this group,
it was probably at this point.I mean, none of my kids are
Mormon, and mine kids are thebulk of the family. Only Mark's kids,

(01:19:12):
if I'm thinking right, are stillMormon. So there's four Mormon kids
out of like nineteen, but allof the grown ups were Mormon except for
me. There was just something sotouching and healing and beautiful to watch all
of these cousins hang out, youknow, and there's the cousins that went
on missions and they don't swear,and they you know, they they're quote

(01:19:34):
unquote good Mormon kids. They're faithful, they're faithful. They didn't for a
second make my kids feel anything butloved adored, Like, oh my gosh,
let's hang out, what's the latestwhatever game? Like it didn't matter
what anyone believed in that house afterthe funeral was done. That's how the

(01:19:58):
kids are these days. Yes,the kids are like soon as all of
you grown ups figure out how toget your shit together and be right.
Seriously, yeah, I mean,and if I'm being honest, I was
a little I don't know if nervouswas the word, but I was kind
of wondering, right because my kids, my kids are very not Mormon.

(01:20:20):
Okay, they dress very not Mormon, they talk very not Mormon. The
younger ones don't even know what,Like you pray before a meal like this
doesn't even dawn on them, whichI love, by the way, like
none of this is in their head. The younger ones don't even remember religion,
and then the older ones were kindof raised in it, and they

(01:20:40):
know that their cousins that are theirsame age, that they grew up with
in the same city for a while, like they know there's differences there now
word like all the people that wegrew up with, yeah, that have
now left the church. But thenyou go to a funeral of her friend's
mom. Yeah, and you aregonna into a whole bunch of more and

(01:21:00):
you know, yep what the gigis and you're like, okay, right,
yeah, and that's so. Yeah, and your kids are going through
that too, that's so they andthey don't yeah, you know it is.
It's interesting because my older kids theyknow the Mormon beliefs, and they
know which of their cousins still believethat, and they don't fucking care because

(01:21:23):
they're Mormon cousins. Don't treat themany differently, And they wouldn't go up
to their Mormon cousins and be like, you know what, you're fucking crazy,
get out of that. There's respectabsolutely, and the Mormon cousins when
my kids swear, because they do, and I think it's awesome. Mormon

(01:21:44):
cousins aren't like ay Man language.It doesn't. No, nobody is judging
anybody. And this makes me sohappy for that generation. This says,
this is gen Z. This isthe age of all these cousins. Roughly
in the gen Z area. Thereare a lot of like judgmental ass whole
gen Z Mormon kids. Of course, of course there's going to be.
But for some reason, this myfamily and I don't know there, I

(01:22:06):
don't know. I don't know whatI'm saying here, except for it was
beautiful to see believers and non believersgiving zero shits about who believed what and
hanging out like buds, yes,and just doing fun crazy shit. Yay.
I loved it. Yay, goodYes. And so I'm like,

(01:22:28):
it's gonna be okay, you know, for me, it's getting okay,
it's getting better. Yes, right, and it is going to be okay,
of course it is. But howsweet for that Yeah, after experience
like here you are, Mom's ina casket, this is permanent, this
is done. Yeah, And thento have that sweet experience with your kids

(01:22:55):
it was awesome and just be likeokay, and like basically you come out
to a whole chapel full of peopleare yep, from the podium. It
was amazing. With my sleeves pushedup so my tattoos could show. I
noticed. Did you see me pushingthem up? No? I just noticed
on the video. What are yougonna do cover your tattoos? No?

(01:23:17):
Fuck off? No, anyone thatcan't handle tattoos. No, not at
all, speaking of this isn't speakingof tattoos, but speaking of I guess
desecreating something holy like your is.So my aunt Beverly and if you remember
the funeral part one, she wasthe woman in the room for when we

(01:23:40):
were dressing my mom, who waslike, Shelley, who would you like
to say the prayer? Which Iwasn't expecting. I'm like, holy shit,
this Mormon woman just like like gaveme the mic, you know,
which I was. She stepped in. Yeah, that's bitches sticking together.
That's right, that is bitches stickingtogether. Yep. So she had told
me about something that she had I'dheard about people doing, which was decorating

(01:24:02):
a casket before it goes into theground. So Mike and Mark and I
we picked out a white casket formy mom because she would have liked that
and it makes a great canvas.So and I will throw some pictures up
on social media after this episode comesout, seeing and check them out.
But god, I haven't what Ihaven't seen these pictures? What kind of

(01:24:25):
a friend are you? When we'redone recording, I shall show you the
pictures. Kelly's busy. Listen,life's been a bit. Okay, we're
pulling through. I went to Walmartbefore the funeral and I bought so many
stickers and glitter glue sticks and apuffy paint and paint markers and whatever I

(01:24:49):
could find. And after they dedicatedthis and this is what was kind of
funny to me. So they dothe dedicatory prayer at the gravesite and you
have to have the priest to dothat, and shit, I'm like,
blah blah blah. He refinished withthat. And then I'm like, kids,
grandkids came here. All the grandkidscame up, and I passed out
all of this stuff and they blemedmy mom's casket out like you wouldn't believe.

(01:25:16):
Yeah, I'm like, god,this is how Grandma would want it.
Oh, she was dancing in hergrave. She was like whoa.
And the kids had so much fun. This was so bonding for the kids
because they were writing down tunny.Yeah. They were like, oh my
gosh, I remember when Grandma saidthis when she lost her mind, and

(01:25:38):
it was like some stupid thing likeit was just so good. That's so
sweet, Shelley. Yes, that'sso cool that you. Okay, well,
I guess we're friends forever. Imean, we already knew that.
But it was beautiful. God,damn it, dude, that is so
thank you. It was You're agood human. This world needs more of

(01:26:02):
you. Thank you. And nowI'm going to figure out how to clone
me. Thank you for finishing mysonnus are we finishing these other sentences?
And sandwiches? God? That's sosweet? Holy shit. Has anyone ever
done that ever? I don't know. My aunt Beverley was just like I

(01:26:23):
heard of someone doing this once.I'm like, oh my gosh. Yeah,
one would want their casket bedazzled.It would be Dixie. We bedazzled
the ship out of it in likeninety degree weather. It will I'll show
you pictures. If you were,you were sweating and crafting. Damn right,
I'm like grandkids. Hell yeah,and Dixie. My mom she was

(01:26:45):
all crafty and ship too. Imean she never finished a craft because she
was that type like you. Idon't know where from, I don't know.
I don't know why half my kidscan't focus on their lives either,
what kid can I know? Yeah, we we the grand kids, blinged
it up and they will not forgetthat. Now. Having now, after
talking about this, I'm like,my dad's funeral is gonna suck. It's

(01:27:09):
gonna be a sister. Oh God, please don't ask me to talk at
my dad's funeral. I'll be like, oh, let me tell you about
the time that he bored me toknow. I'm just kidding, but it
will never it could never match mygrandma or it could never match my mom's
funeral. Ever. Well, andthat's not his vibe, No, not

(01:27:30):
at all. He vibe was like, bedazzle the shit out of my casket.
Yeah, your dad's vibe is moreformal, and it's gonna be but
you know, he will do ithowever he wants it, and I'll yeah,
I'll sleep through it because it'll beboring. I'm just kidding. I'm
not kidding. Actually, I don'tknow, but it'll be a good excuse
to get all the grandkids together,get in through a party, which is

(01:27:51):
what we did. Yes, Soyeah, the cousins, the believers and
the non believers get together and gonobody cares what we believe. It's your
friends. I know. That's good. How's it going. Yes? I
love seeing all these kids together.They're just the biggest group of dorky,

(01:28:12):
fun kids. They're just they're amazing. So I am very lucky. And
there you go. And I lovethat you have that perspective too. It's
taken a while to get that,it really has. There was a lot
of years where it was just angerat anything having to do with Mormonism and
well, and you have to leaveit and kind and avoid it and be

(01:28:32):
like no, I'm standing my ground. I have to. Like, it's
really hard to leave a cult.Oh yeah, yeah, so you have
to create distance. But then youcan come back and be like, okay,
dang dongs, like here we arenot part of it anymore. But
I love you, yeah, absolutely, And everyone has their own journey and

(01:28:53):
some people might not ever want tocome back to any part of it,
and that's that's fine too. Youdo what's safe for you. You do
it, what's good for you you. I'm just talking about my my journey,
and this is how it's how it'sbeen, and it's I love that
there's been some healing of relationships andI'll talk about that more in other episodes
because I you know, there's alot of that going on. So yeah,

(01:29:14):
well shit, I think we didit. Yes, dude, listeners,
thank you for being patient. Ifyou've been rolling your eyes whatever,
sorry, not sorry. This iswhere we're at and it's gonna We're just
gonna keep keep at it and heythings and yes, stop apologizing. Oh
you're right. People fucking love you. Oh it has been hard for me

(01:29:38):
to make this decision to do thison my own. Serious me too,
proud of scared to death, butdon't be scared. People love you,
don't apologize. Yeah you know what? Yeah? Not sorry? Not sorry?
No sorry? Man? How dowe end this? How does it
usually end? We have to thankDan? Thanks for leaving it in,
Dan, Thanks to Dan, Thanksalso for cutting things out because we have

(01:30:00):
prottled on. I guess we'll seeyou next time. And until then,
steer clear of colts, Steer clearof colts and also, everyone, we
have to finish it. Steer clearof colts because they are no joke.
They are no joke. Okay,now what do you want to say.
I want to say, take yourright hand, okay, bend to the
waist and slap your ass for me, big slap. We had an ass

(01:30:27):
slap in good time. We havehad an ass slap in good time.
But I want everyone to slap theirown asses. Okay, do it?
Okay, done it? Yeah,slap it? Did you do it?
Slap your ass, gamer, slapyour ass. Oh my gosh. It's
almost like the Mickey Mouse Club wherethey call it the name of the of
the My wife, Ann slap yourass and I'll do it for you later.

(01:30:51):
Okay, lonely, old jolly,you'll just go to bed lonely tonight.
So that's awesome. Thank you allright, y'all again, thanks for
listening. We love you, andbye bye h