From Excommunication to the Savior's Embrace: Martin Onken's Story (Part 2) - Latter-Day Lights

How far can mercy reach when a decades-long double life finally unravels, shaking a ward’s trust and a family’s heart?

This week on Latter-day Lights, Scott and Alisha welcome back Martin Onken for Part Two of his story—the hope-filled conclusion to his twelve-year journey of repentance.

In part one, Martin opened up about a lonely, complicated childhood that left him hungry for love and belonging. Leaning on his relationship with God to seek out the acceptance he was lacking, he found purpose in the Church and eventually served as a bishop. In time, however, he began living a double life, entering a 30-year extramarital affair that ultimately came to light, and led to a heartbreaking disciplinary council and excommunication.

In part two, Martin shares hard-won practices that rebuilt his soul: Consistently showing up to support groups and recovery programs, listening to those who saw him past his wrongdoings, retaking missionary lessons, and reflecting on temple grounds. He shares what it was like to tell his children the truth, navigate the difficult decision to separate from his wife, find love again after heartbreak, and rebuild his trust with family, all the while patiently seeking permission to officially return to the Church.

Each of these steps nudged Martin closer to approval for rebaptism, and revealed that Heavenly Father was guiding the process all along.

By the end of this episode, you’ll feel steadier about walking your own path back to God no matter how far off you’ve strayed. Expect practical tools, compassionate perspectives, and a renewed witness that no one is too far gone for the Savior’s relentless mercy.

*** Please SHARE Martin's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***

To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/7K4-ZboOnZQ

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To WATCH part one of Martin's story, visit: https://youtu.be/8IvvCcAoGWc

To READ Scott’s new book “Faith to Stay” for free, visit: https://www.faithtostay.com/

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Episode Transcript

Scott Brandley (00:00):
Hey everyone.
I'm Scott Brandley.
And I'm Alisha Coakley.
Every member of the church hasa story to share, one that can
instill faith, invite growth andinspire others.
In the second half of thisspecial two-part episode we're
going to hear howexcommunication, divorce,
repentance and rebaptism taughtone man that no one is too gone

(00:22):
to receive God's mercy andforgiveness.
Welcome to Latter-day Lights.
Hey everyone, welcome back toanother episode of Latter-day
Lights.
We're so glad you're here withus tonight and we have a very

(00:42):
special treat the second half ofMartin Onken's story.
We're super excited to hear it.
Welcome back, martin.

Martin Onken (00:49):
Welcome.
Thank you very much.
I'm glad to be here.

Alisha Coakley (00:53):
Yeah, we are very much looking forward to
being able to hear the rest ofyour story.
You kind of left us on acliffhanger last night.
Do you want real quick to justkind of give folks who are
listening maybe a really briefrecap of sort of where you left
off, kind of a little bit aboutwhat happened in the first

(01:14):
episode?

Martin Onken (01:17):
Sure, sure, no problem.
Yeah, so where we left off isthat my wife discovered my
second life, my split life, andso now everything is out in the
open, and we got that waybecause of this 30-year

(01:38):
relationship that I had with,with another woman, all as what
I felt was a solution to feelingand participating in a loving,
affectionate, supportiverelationship filled with love,
and I didn't really get thatwhen I was a child.

(02:01):
So I searched for it in a lotof different places and got
involved in some long-termrelationships that were really
destructive, thinking that I wasfinding that passion and the
love and the commitment and thedesire and the power that comes

(02:21):
in what I thought was a realrelationship, and so the latest
of which was this 30-yearrelationship that got really
intense.
And so my wife found out aboutit one day, simply by chance,
checking through my laptop.
She knew who the woman was andthere was nothing I could do.

(02:44):
I'd used up on my lies, I'dused up on my stories.
There was nothing else for meto say except that you're right,
and I did all that.
And so that's where we are.
We're sitting in our living room, in our family room, really,
and she's got this laptop on herdesk and she is shocked.

(03:08):
She is like speechless.
She's just staring at it,staring at me, staring at it.
I'm thinking, like what is shelooking at, you know?
And soon tears came to her eyesand I knew what it was and I
figured okay, you know what?
I can't hide from this anylonger.

(03:29):
I can't keep making up stories,I can't keep lying, I can't
keep creating these fabricationsthat were getting wilder and
wilder and wilder, I mean, thelatest of which was that I had
told her I was doing aconsulting job in the state of

(03:53):
Georgia when really I was inHawaii with this woman on my
getaway trip.
I mean, my stories were justgetting out of control as I was
trying to maintain thatrelationship but keep juggling
both of my lives and my churchlife.
So I had three different livesthat I was really trying to
juggle and it was just gettingtoo much and I thought, okay,

(04:17):
whatever happens is going tohappen.
I may never feel this love orthis acceptance that I'm looking
for, you know, but I just can'tkeep doing what I'm doing.
It's just not working anymore,that load of, you know, trying

(04:50):
to keep all my lives togetherand my lies and my stories, and
to keep them, you know, kind ofnear the front of my brain so
that if I needed them I couldpull them out at any time.
So that all just went away andI, my, my heart just opened up
and it was like, okay, take yourbest shot.
You know, if I die, I die, andI really was pretty convinced

(05:10):
that I was not going to be ableto survive it.
Now, a couple of years down theroad, I did have heart failure
and so I told you that that.
You know, it did affect me thatmuch.
But we're jumping ahead alittle bit.
So we're there, I'm giving up,I'm ready to face the firing

(05:34):
squad.
I know that there's going to bea lot of bullets and arrows
shot my way and I'm just like,okay, you know, I was already
starting to point some of thoseto myself, um, and it took me a
long time to stop shooting atmyself.
That was, that was one of mybiggest challenges really.
Um, but my wife ex-wife suregot off to a really good start.

(05:58):
Um, she was, uh, so angry.
She was so angry and really thehealing started right then,
because it's like I didn't knowwhy she was angry.
I didn't get why she was soangry.

(06:20):
She used words like betrayal,like our life was a lie, like
her life is ruined, her futureis ruined.
She mentioned all these things.
So I'm going like, wait aminute, you were happy all this
time.
You know, I didn't reallybother you with a lot of stuff.
You were able to, you know, doyour profession and do your

(06:42):
hobbies and things like that,and I didn't really bother you
and you seemed to be reallyhappy.
And so I was really confused andand I realized at that time was
like how far I let this go,that even I was, you know,
really buying my own stories inmy own lives, and I think that
is part of addiction.

(07:02):
You know that you do startbelieving your own stories and
my own lies, and I think that ispart of addiction.
You know that you do startbelieving your own stories.
You know it becomes a matter ofsurvival sometimes, you know,
or at least sanity, and so,anyway, that realization kind of
started me on this path ofsaying you know what I need to

(07:23):
come clean because I don't getit.
I don't get it.
And my wife did say for a longtime you don't get it, martin,
you don't get it.
And I'm going like, oh wait aminute.
You know, but I did all thisgood stuff too.
Look at all this good stuff.
You know I'm a really good dad.
I've done everything for thekids.
You know I helped my youngestson get into west point.

(07:45):
You know, while he was servinghis mission I did all his
application and admission stuff.
You know I was, I was, you know, I was there, you know, and you
know, and I was doing reallygreat in the church and and you
know I was helping a lot ofpeople, um and anyway.

(08:06):
So it was like doesn't thatcount for something?
She says no, that counts fornothing.
Really, yes, because youdestroyed our life, you
destroyed our history, youdestroyed our past, because I
don't know what was true andwhat was not true, I don't know

(08:26):
what were real feelings and whatwere not real feelings.
Everything that she built herfoundation on was destroyed,
just like my facade and mypersona was destroyed to her.
Her life was destroyed and herfuture was destroyed because she

(08:49):
thought she was going to have ahusband.
Now she was just convinced, youknow, she was never going to be
married again, never had a, havea husband or another serious
relationship, that she was goingto be alone for the rest of her
life.
And so she was, you know,panicked on one hand and super
angry on the other hand.
Wanting to forgive me on onehand, but on the other hand, not

(09:13):
knowing if she could ever trustme again would be this doubt.
And so we talked for hours andhours, and days, and days and
days, and the days turned intoweeks when we kept talking, and
the weeks turned into months,and we kept talking and we

(09:33):
didn't tell anybody about it.
This was just a burden that sheand I carried to see if we
could resurrect thisrelationship.
And if we could, then maybesomehow we could keep it to
ourselves and the kids or nobodyelse would suffer.
That was kind of like theunwritten plan that we had.

(09:54):
And so we did that.
And little by little we starteddoing things together.
We would travel a little bitand we would go out to dinner
again and stuff like that, and,um, we don't always keep talking
about it, but a little bylittle we would try to normalize
our lives again, you know, justtaking one little step at a

(10:16):
time, you know, and to see if,if there was something there
that could be salvaged.
You know, of course, I know shewanted every detail of
everything and so I did that.
That was really a strugglebecause I had compartmentalized
so much stuff that half the timeI wasn't sure if I was really

(10:38):
telling her the exact truth,because she wanted information
from me faster than I could giveit to her, because she wanted
information from me faster thanI could give it to her, and so
she would think that I was stilllying or I was still trying to
spin things and stuff like that.
So it got to be pretty tense attimes, really tense at times.
But we were doing better.

(11:00):
We were really getting better.
It was just the two of us,nobody else.
We didn't go into anycounseling at that time.
We didn't talk to anypriesthood leaders no, friends,
kids for sure.
They were going to be the lastones we talked to about it.
But that's the way it was.

(11:21):
And then one day, about a yearlater in fact I'm going to say
maybe to the day later exactly ayear I get a call from my stake
president.
I'm serving as a bishop now,and that's a whole other story

(11:50):
about how I could do that.
Yeah, but anyway.
So I was serving as a bishopand he calls me and he says I
need to talk to you and I needto talk to you now.
I go, I said, well, I'm in abishopry meeting right now with
my bishopry.
You know how about if we meettomorrow or something he says no
, he says just end your meeting,I'm coming right over to your

(12:16):
office and we need to sit andhave a talk.
Yeah, I kind of knew what wascoming.
You know, I had this, just thisfeeling that even for a few
days before that phone call, Iwas trying to prepare for the
bishopric meeting and the agendaand the topics that we would
talk about, and makingassignments and callings and

(12:38):
ministering and all that stuff.
And I just usually I have a lotof impressions from the Spirit
on what needs to be done and soforth and I have an outline in
my mind of what needs to go on.
There was nothing.
Nothing came to me for severaldays before it was just gone and

(13:01):
I'm praying for the Spirit totell me some things.
And nothing, nothing.
And when he called me I knewthat's what it was that he found
out for some reason.
And the Lord's justice andmercy is said no more.

(13:23):
This has to end now and thehealing needs to begin right now
.
And so I did.
I ended the meeting.
He came right over like 10minutes later.
He must have been parked in theparking lot, I don't know.
It was like right there and heand I were pretty close.
We were pretty close, we werepretty close, we respected each

(13:52):
other really well.
And he sat down in the chairacross from me and he says I
want to have this talk thatevery state president hates to
have, that we pray that we willnever have.
And he said I had thisconversation.

(14:13):
This woman came to my office andthis is what she told me she
had this relationship with you.
She said she gave me receipts,she gave me proof, she gave me
pictures.
And what do you have to say?
And I said yeah, that's true,that's true.

(14:36):
And she goes what were youthinking?
I remember so clearly hearingthose words.
What were you thinking?
And my mind was just blank.
It was just like frozen.
I couldn't think of anything.
And I said I wasn't thinking, Ididn't act on thinking.

(15:00):
And he goes well, you know, I'mreleasing you right now.
And I go yeah, I know.
He says give me your keys, wow.
He says we're going to haveseveral more phone conversations
.
And then he asked me some otherquestions that he had to like

(15:22):
did you steal money from thechurch?
You know, was she a member ofthe church?
Were you?
You know those kind ofquestions.
And I answered those questionsand he says we're going to have
several more conversations andprobably have to meet again.
He says I think you probablyknow where this is going.
And I said yeah, I said I do.

(16:06):
And he says I'm not 100 sure ifthat's where it's going to be,
if that's the Lord's will, butif it is, it is.
And then just to trust God,that Heavenly Father, in some
way, that I wouldn't die fromthis experience and that I
didn't know how that wouldhappen but that I could survive

(16:26):
it.
I couldn't even imagine how Icould survive it, how I could
survive without thatrelationship, without the church
, without my kids, without myfriends.
I was sure that all of that wasgoing to just explode and not
disappear, but it would all befocused towards me with anger

(16:50):
and disappointment and shame andridicule.
So I said okay.
So I gave him my keys and Ileft the office and I never came
back to that office.
Wow, I never came back to thatoffice.

(17:12):
Really, yeah.
Later on he told me we weretalking when he says you know
you should not return to theward.
In fact, you should probablynot come back to the state, you
should find another ward inanother state somewhere.

Alisha Coakley (17:30):
And so we Do you feel like that?
Did it feel compassionate ordid it feel judgy, when he said
that, like what was your feelingover that?
Like?
Were you like okay, that's arelief.
Like what?

Martin Onken (17:53):
What did you think over?
Like were you?
Were you like, okay, that's arelief, like what?
What do you know, I?
I felt like he was trying toprotect the ward and the stake
for me that I was a, you know, abad influence I don't don't
know what other words to chooseand that it would just, you know
, the story would come outsooner or later.
I tried really hard to geteverybody to keep it quiet, but

(18:16):
the story came out within acouple of days and the rumors
started going around and Ibelieve that he tried to keep
things, um, private, but forsome reason it didn't.
And I can't I'm not even goingto go there on why or how that
happened but I think he was, um,trying to protect the ward and

(18:40):
the state from those from thoserumors and stories and gossip
and all that.
I had pretty high visibility inthe stakes, so I think that it
would have been hard for peopleto understand.
So I think that's why he did it.
I don't think he had any realpersonal regard for my feelings

(19:03):
at that point.
It was like you know, this isyour consequence, you're going
to have to deal with it, and youknow I was like, yeah, okay, I
told him whatever, whatever,that's what you think you know.
So.
So anyway, within a week youknow he had a disciplinary

(19:26):
counsel and that was the fastestdisciplinary counsel I have
ever seen.
Oh my gosh, I can't.
I'm thinking back on it.
So I'm going to give you somedetails because it's my
experience.

(19:47):
Not that I'm sizing the churchor my priesthood leaders, I'm
not.
I'm just explaining myexperience because I want people
to understand that, no matterhow bad it gets, no matter how
hopeless you think it is, nomatter how unfair it is or mean

(20:07):
or cruel it is or whatever, youcan survive it.
The gospel gives you strengthto survive it.
The Holy Ghost even though Ididn't have the gift of the Holy
Ghost, then it's still there.
Heavenly Father's love, theSavior, the Atonement, is still
there, so, anyway.

(20:27):
So I'm not even relying on anyof that stuff now.
I'm just trying to survive.
I'm trying to breathe oneminute at a time.
So I go to the disciplinarycouncil.
Okay, there's nobody there withme, like the new bishop isn't
with me.
A member of there's nobodythere with me.
Like the new bishop isn't withme.

(20:48):
A member of the statepresident's with me?
Nobody, I'm just there bymyself.
He meets with the high councilfor I don't know, some time
before I'm asked to come intothe room, before I'm asked to
come into the room, and he doesa really short explanation of

(21:14):
the charge and he does not allowfor any discussion or any
questions or anything like thatwhich there was in other
councils that I've been on theother side of the table and to
try and get some feeling of whatwas going on.
There was no high councildiscussion or anything.

(21:35):
After I left the room, thestate presidency went and for
maybe 20 or 30 minutes spent theprivate time I was asked to
come back in.
He announced that I wasexcommunicated pretty
matter-of-factly, without anyexplanation of how or what or

(21:59):
what they were thinking or whatinspiration they got, 18, or
what inspiration they got.
And so he told me that I shouldstand there where I was, at the

(22:19):
end of the table and to you knowthat he would excuse the high
council and that they shouldfile by me and give me any words
of wisdom or any counsel oranything.
And so they did, one by one.
They walked up to me and theylooked me in the eye and I knew
a lot of those guys reallyreally well.

(22:41):
You know, I knew their familiesand anyway, that was
unbelievably difficult.
I had to really hold it inbecause for the first time I
felt like crying.
I didn't when I confessed to mywife or she found out, you know

(23:03):
, I didn't when I talked to thestake president, but I did.
Then I felt like I let them alldown, and several of them, you
know.
Let me know that I let themdown.
And so, anyway, they all left.
I went into the stakepresident's office and met with

(23:27):
the stake presidency there forabout 45 minutes.
It was even more difficult thanbefore.
Yeah, the closing comments were, you know, ok, martin.
Well, you know you have achoice.
You can either stay in thechurch or you can leave.

(23:50):
If you leave, you're going todisappear from history.
You're not going to make adifference in anybody's life.
You'll just disappear.
If you stay, for the next while, you're going to be known as
the guy with the truck.
For the next while, you'regoing to be known as the guy
with the truck that people cancount on If they need it trash
hauled or they need to move.

(24:10):
You're going to be the guy.
You're the guy with the truck.
One of the counselors said tome and he was pretty
compassionate.
He said whatever you do, justkeep going to church, just show
up, don't stop going to church.

(24:33):
And the other counselor said tome he said, yeah, you were a
good bishop and you did a lot ofgood service in the stake and
to your family, but you couldhave been so much better.
If you would have been so muchbetter, if you would have been
worthy, you could have been somuch more.
And I just was crushed by thosecomments.

(24:54):
You know, it was a time when Ifelt like I needed that love,
that I was looking for somecompassion, some understanding,
some acceptance, some credit, atleast for some of the good
things I did, and it was likenone of that.
None of that, you know, andthat really affected me for a

(25:19):
while.
I knew that I was going to keepgoing to church.
I knew that I was going to dowhatever it takes to get
re-baptized.
But I thought, man, they arereally making it tough.
And they did.
And you know what?
Looking back on it now, I stillfeel like growing up when I

(25:39):
think about it.
But we have to endure unfairthings.
It's part of the gospel, theexperience, that's part of our
testimonies, that's part of ourtrinal faith that it is going to
be unfair a lot of times.

(26:00):
And so, you know, I just had toaccept it.
I didn't try.
My brain was too jumbled to tryto understand it anyway, so I
didn't really try because Ididn't have the capability of
doing that.
So I just said, okay, you knowyou're right, you're right.
I just taught myself I have tobe submissive to my priesthood

(26:24):
authority, my priesthood leaders, whatever it is right or wrong.
You know it's more importantfor me to be submissive than for
the process to be fair.
You know that's part ofrepentance is being submissive,
and so I did so.
I left there and so we did so Ileft there and that, yeah, that

(26:51):
was that was.

Alisha Coakley (26:51):
I just have to say I'm so sorry that you went
through that, because I mean I'mstruggling.
I'm struggling with what I wantto say right now.
I want to ask Scott Scott, youwere a bishop, you've been in
Bishop Rick, you know all the,all the things in leadership.
I'm sure you've probably had tobe on the other side of that
disciplinary council before,right?

(27:12):
So, like, how do you, how doyou feel about the way things
are handled?
Do you feel like that kind ofcommon to see things like that?
Is that?
I mean, do you guys just Idon't know like let me just hear
from Scott.

Scott Brandley (27:38):
Well, I haven't seen people react that way, but
this is a you know, maybe it'sbecause it was such an extreme
case and they were shook.
I, I, I didn't.
I didn't see anything to thatlevel In any disciplinary
councils that I had.
I'd really tried to beChrist-like and actually felt an
increase of love towards theperson at the end.

(28:00):
But, yeah, it's hard to be toput, you know, to be put in that
position.
Um, I don't know.
And and like you said earlier,martin, like you, you were in
other councils where it probablyfelt like there was an increase

(28:22):
of love and you had thatcompassion, right.
So right.
But I liked what you said.
You know you, you needed to, tolearn to be submissive, and
maybe that's why it had to gothat way.
Maybe if they were, if it was,if you didn't have to learn that
lesson, you might not be whoyou are today.

Martin Onken (28:43):
Yeah.

Scott Brandley (28:45):
You know, and that that that's probably hard,
but it that there could be areason why it had to go down the
way it did, I would.
I would probably say in mostcases there's an outpouring of
love, yeah.

Alisha Coakley (29:01):
That's what I've heard, and so it just makes me
sad that you didn't feel thatway, and I know that there's
other people who have felt thesame way that you feel too,
where they felt like they werebeing harshly judged or whatever
else.
And of course, the heavenlyfather only has imperfect people

(29:23):
to work with.
Right Like even the moststalwart, righteous, strongest
testimony, people are still justpeople and we still make huge
mistakes and have bad days andget hangry and you know what I
mean Like and let our personalprejudices kind of like sway us
sometimes, and so I dounderstand that and I think that

(29:46):
it's great that you are havingcompassion on on them, despite
you not feeling like you hadthat compassion given to you.

Martin Onken (29:57):
So yeah, you know I.
Yeah, I mean I think thatcompassion would have been great
and I definitely would havepreferred it.
Yeah, I mean, I think thatcompassion would have been great
and I definitely would havepreferred it.
Yeah, you know, but I got a lotof compassion later, you know,
it's not like the wholerepentance process was just in

(30:17):
that one meeting, right right,you know, it continued for 12
years, you know, before I wasrebaptized.
So I mean, I felt a lot ofcompassion and love during that
time.

Alisha Coakley (30:32):
So, but you didn't have to go 12 years Like
that, wasn't like thedisciplinary council saying it
had to be 12 years.
They gave you what five-ish?
They said at least five.

Martin Onken (30:43):
No, they didn't say.
They didn't say you know, thestake president didn't say how
long it would be.
He had to go back to Salt Lakeand ask them, because I asked
him how long is this going to be?
He says I don't know.
He says it could be a long time.
He says I don't think it'sgoing to be a year, I don't
think it's going to be a year.
And I go okay, I can believethat.

(31:05):
Anyway, he had to go back toSalt Lake and they wrote him
back and they said in his wordshe said they told me to don't
bother calling them for fiveyears, that they're not even
going to think about it for fiveyears.
Those are his words, not mine.

(31:25):
So I go okay, so I've got fiveyears at least.
So you know, I figured that'sfair.
You know more than fair, really, when you think about you know

(31:45):
if what my wife said had anytruth to it at all, about the
ramifications of what I did andhow I did it, then you know,
five years is probably lenientyou know,
So you know, but my thing wasreally and I think this is
really a key that you do have tobe submissive, just to whatever
comes.
You just have to continuebreathing and taking one step at

(32:08):
a time and you have to trust.
You have to trust in what youhad in the past, whatever
testimony you had in the past,that will get you through.
You know, even if it was reallyweak and mine wasn't weak, but
it was really corrupted andtwisted, you know, with a lot of
satan stuff in there.
So, um, you know, but whatlittle you have, you know, you

(32:33):
just hold on to.
You know, and that's what I did.
And so, submissive and obedient, whatever I needed to do,
whatever anybody you know that Iloved or that had any authority
or stewardship over me, I wasjust going to be obedient.
I wasn't going to judge it forwhether it was nice or kind or
whatever.

Alisha Coakley (32:54):
You're just sustaining them in their
callings.

Martin Onken (32:57):
Yes, right, yep, at least I knew that being
submissive and obedient, thatwas good, that was something
good I could do, you know, andthat was something positive I
could do.
And as I did that, and Iconsciously had to tell myself

(33:18):
I'm doing this out of obedience,it's only out of obedience,
because I don't want to be here,I don't want to do this, I
don't want to do this, I don'twant to face this, but I'm doing
it out of obedience or I'mdoing it out of submissiveness.
And that attitude, you know,brought me strength, because I

(33:42):
was for sure that I couldn'tsurvive this.
I knew that I, physically, wasgoing to die, I would have a
heart attack, I would have astroke, I would have something,
you know.
But doing that and realizing,okay, I'm doing these things, I
wish I could say out of faith orout of love or whatever.
No, right now I was justwhite-knuckling it and for these

(34:02):
days, these weeks, these months, that was good enough and
that's how I had to take it.
And I think that, you know, Ithink there's a lot of truth in
that.
When I think back about it, Ithink, yeah, you know, if you
start second guessing it andtrying to find out what's fair
or right, or what's doctrinal ornot, or this or that.

(34:24):
You're just going to get into abigger rat hole.
Because I think when you havebeen in chronic sin, your brain
doesn't work right.
Chronic sin is an addiction andjust like an addiction, your
brain synapses start misfiringand misconnecting.
Your brain synapses startmisfiring and misconnecting, and

(34:44):
so you're not really able tocome to a proper evaluation or
conclusion.
So don't even try.
Just try obey, be obedient, besubmissive, and then you can
take the next step after that,when the Lord tells you what it
is.

Alisha Coakley (35:05):
Right.

Martin Onken (35:06):
And so that's what I did.

Alisha Coakley (35:10):
So what did your wife think about this?
I mean, I'm assuming thatafterwards you went and you told
her everything that happened,and did you guys still decide to
keep everything quiet?
Did you decide?

Martin Onken (35:22):
to share with your family and yeah, she said, well
, you deserved it.
You know, really you're anidiot you're a, you know bleep,
bleep, you know so I just I haveto interject.

Alisha Coakley (35:41):
I just feel so sad because and and maybe this
is coming from um we had anotherbishop that had been
excommunicated, that was on, andhe was just.
He's such a sweet guy and justhearing his story and hearing
your story, I just for me, Ifeel like Satan's going to try

(36:01):
to attack every one of us, right, Like obviously.
But I feel like sometimes heputs a lot more effort into the
people who are trying to do themost right, who are trying to do
the most good, who are tryingto be the most righteous and
stuff, and so he, like he knowswhere our Achilles heels are, he
knows exactly what it's goingto take for us to fall, and he's

(36:22):
patient in waiting for us tomake sure that the fall is a
huge fall, Like he doesn't justwant us to like kind of like
stumble a little bit, no, andand like our past bishop that
was on, and and just otherguests too, in general, it just

(36:44):
makes me feel like what kind ofI mean, I don't want to say
cliche, but like almost likewhat kind of huge purpose or or
what type of warrior were youthat Satan set his sights on you
to fall so hard and to temptyou so badly and then to have

(37:06):
everybody else judge you on topof that, you know, and to use
the trauma that you had as achild against you like that's
just sneaky on his part, Right.
And of course you can look atthe black and white of it and
say part Right.
And of course you can look atthe black and white of it and
say Martin cheated on his wifefor 30 years Right.

(37:28):
But it's so much deeper than allof that.
There's so many layers involvedin it and it just makes me so
sad that unfortunately you youweren't given the opportunity to
have other people peel backthose layers, that they were
just judging them based on thesurface.
You know, and I know Christ isthe ultimate onion peeler.
How are you going to call itRight?

(37:49):
That's the most important hecan.
He can get to the very centerof all of it and he can figure
out exactly how we need to getback in line with being right.
But I just get.
I just get so sad when I hearstories like this, where there's

(38:09):
just that missing Christ-likecompassion on the person because
you think you should have knownbetter, and that should be
enough to justify judgment.

Scott Brandley (38:22):
That makes sense I'm gonna make people angry I'm
so sorry, I think, along thoselines, Alisha.
it is one of the things that Itry to do as a bishop was put
myself in the shoes of theperson across from the desk, and
that's really hard sometimeswhen they're telling you all the

(38:45):
crappy things they've done.
But when you do it, when itdoes click and you're able to
see a glimpse of that person'slife and all the difficult
things that they've had to gothrough, you really do start to
feel true compassion and lovefor that person in a completely

(39:06):
different way and it almost goesfrom like anger, you know hate,
almost like this, not hate, butlike disappointment, right, and
then it goes to love andcompassion and but that's, it's
a.

Alisha Coakley (39:22):
It's hard to make that, to cross that chasm
sometimes for people well, I cansee how, especially when, as
humans, we have a tendency towant to pick sides right, like
you, it's so easy to pick justthe side of the one who didn't
know what was going on.

(39:43):
The wife in in this, in thisinstance.
Right, I think you know what,scott, I'm just going to blame
you.
You have I've told you thisbefore You've always been my
favorite Bishop Like and I loveso many of my Bishops, but you I
I feel like when it comes tobishops, I was super spoiled by
having Scott as my bishop.
He really did constantly showso much compassion for everybody

(40:08):
in every circumstance, like hejust could see so deeply into
who they were, what they werestruggling with, you know what
needed to be said and done andlike he was just always like the
biggest cheerleader foreveryone.

Martin Onken (40:19):
So I'm I'm spoiled and I appreciate you and your
former bishophood, but there's alesson in that and that you
know we all need to learn to bemore compassionate.
You know that that is a veryunique kind of love that
Heavenly Father has for us, youknow.

(40:42):
And I think another one is hope.
I had to speak at a separatemeeting about that this last
week, about the infinite powerof hope.
So I think that in our learningto be more Christ-like, you
know how's that thing go about.
If I want to learn to be strong, heavenly Father gives me

(41:03):
challenges and things like that.
Well, maybe you know, if I needto learn to be compassionate,
then he's going to give me sometrials.
That you know.
We all, on both sides of thatfence, need to learn to be
compassionate about theperpetrator and the victim.
Both need compassion, and so Ithink that that's a thing to to

(41:26):
learn and so, um, that's adifficult one to learn.
It's really difficult.
It's a difficult one to learn.
So, so, yeah, so, anyway, wewent through that.
Of course, we knew, especiallyas soon as the disciplinary

(41:47):
council was over, that word wasgoing to get out quick, because
I had like, dropped off theradar.
One Sunday I'm there, the nextSunday they're calling a new
bishop.
I mean, you know people weregoing to start talking and stuff
, so we knew that.
You know we need to tell thekids, because we didn't want to

(42:07):
hear it.
You know, on Facebook orInstagram or whatever, you know,
we didn told them everything.

(42:28):
Told them well, not all thedetails, but I told them that I
was excommunicated for thislong-term relationship and you
know that I was going to begoing through this process and
you know that their mom wasreally hurting and that you know
they should be compassionatewith her, and so you know that

(42:48):
she was, you know, the victim.
You know it wasn't a time topick sides or anything like that
, and so it's like you knowshe's the one that needs it.
Now I'll go through therepentance process.
You know that I need to gothrough and you know, it'll all
work out, but they were super,super hurt and to go through

(43:10):
each one of them one by one, andone evening, you know, after
getting out of that disciplinarycouncil and then having to meet
with them like that night orthe next night, was just like oh
, that you know, but um yeah, Ican see how you would think that
you weren't going to live yeahbecause just the anxiety and the

(43:34):
just oh man, I, I can't evenimagine how hard that was yeah,
yeah, of course that was a biglie
because I did live and I'mbetter off now, and I'm a better
man now than I was then.
So you know, that's another oneof Satan's wise right, yeah.

(43:54):
I think Elder Holland calls itso anyway, so I did that.
My wife and I started going tocounseling.
Both the stake president andthe counselor suggested that we
not do anything for a year, andso we accepted that counsel and

(44:18):
that for a year we would just,you know, let things cool down
and you know kind of, you know,be guided by the spirit and pray
and meditate, and that wasalready after a year of you guys
working on it.

Alisha Coakley (44:36):
Yeah so this is now going into two years later.
Right Right, okay, it yeah.
So this is now going into twoyears later.

Martin Onken (44:41):
All right, okay, yeah, and so that's what we did.
And so we said, okay, we won'tmake a decision for a year, but
we'll go to counseling and we'llmeet with our priesthood
leaders and you know, the ReliefSociety president and the
people in the wards that wewould be in and the new bishops

(45:05):
and stuff like that.
And so we did that.
That was also more of like whatwe had in the first year,
except now we had all theseissues with the kids, Because,
remember, I have four kids andthey all had varying responses

(45:32):
and questions and feelings thatwe had to go through.
I finally did, about two monthsafter I talked to the kids, I
did have a meeting with them all.
We all met in Atlanta and Iflew them all out there and we
rented an Airbnb and I just hadto, like, tell them what was

(45:57):
going on in my brain.
I just had to tell them whatwas going on in my brain, and it
was good that we all gottogether and that I wanted to be
honest with them, but my brainwasn't organized enough to give
them a really satisfying answer.

(46:17):
So the girls heard mainly thatI was a sex maniac and the guys
said you're so stupid, whydidn't you talk to anybody?
You know we were here.
You didn't talk to us.
We're adults, you know, and so,but I felt that I needed to be

(46:38):
as honest as I could with themand unfortunately it was still a
jumble, I think it probably,looking back, it probably would
have been better if I waited sixmonths or more, and you know, I
had something a little bit moreconcrete to share with them.

Alisha Coakley (46:55):
Did they ask about your other child?

Martin Onken (46:58):
They did.

Alisha Coakley (46:58):
Did they want to meet other child?
They did.
Did they want to meet oranything, or did they just kind?
Of want to they did.

Martin Onken (47:04):
They did, they did , they wanted to meet her and in
fact I think three at least two, if not three of them did meet
her Did oh, wow, yeah, yeah, didyou talk to her, too, about or
did she always know, or like howmuch information did she have?

(47:26):
Well, she knew all about myother family and the kids and my
whole life.
You know, I didn't keep that asecret from them.
That was really my primary life, so to speak, gotcha, because
that was really my primary life,so to speak, gotcha.
So, yeah, they had a pleasantdinner.
They now live in differentplaces, in different states, so

(47:47):
they don't really get together,but they do communicate on
Instagram and whatever elseTikTok or whatever else they do,
so they do keep in some contact.

Alisha Coakley (48:01):
So that's at least like one of the silver
linings, right.
Like to do all of this comingout.
It was painful, but now atleast your children all get to
build a little relationship witheach other.
So that's one piece of healing.

Martin Onken (48:16):
Yeah, yeah of healing, yeah, yeah.
And really my oldest son.
Recently he heard me mention myfamily and that I had four kids
and afterwards he said well,how come you didn't say you have
five kids?
I?
was like, oh yeah, you know whatI should have, You're right, he
was right.

(48:36):
And so I said, yeah, I'll fixthat't.
I won't do that again.
So I'm still, you know, tryingto unscramble the brain.
I can't believe how difficultthat is.
I can't believe how difficultit is because satan still

(48:57):
hammers us, I, I think, whenwe're going through repentance
and we have the possibility ofall of the blessings and the
powers that come with repentanceand the faith that can result
from it, I think that he workson us extra hard.
I know that when I was serving,there were a lot of people that

(49:19):
went through repentance, thatwere really, really had more and
more temptations and more andmore weaknesses than ever in
their lives.
The next big thing thathappened was that the year comes
now, so it's the end of thissecond year, and for the whole

(49:45):
year I've been sitting on pinsand needles trying to read my
wife as to what she wants to do,and we were doing pretty well.
It was, you know, I'm going tocall it platonic, because I just
don't know how else to describeit.
It was more friendly ratherthan intimate or close or

(50:11):
personal, but it was.
You know, there wasn't anyfighting or anything like that.
There were moments when she wascrying a lot and stuff like
that, and I can certainlyunderstand that, you know.
Just as it comes back to her,the reality kind of comes back.
But anyway, then the yearhappens and she says nothing,

(50:34):
it's just like a regular day.
And a week later she saysnothing.
And I asked her, I said well,you know what's, what are you
thinking?
It's been about a year and shesays, ah, she says I don't know
yet, and I go okay, and anywayit's.
Then it's like a month later andstill no decision.
And I'm thinking here's, youknow, this is the biggest

(50:57):
decision of our lives now.
And I said well, what do youthink?
You know, we need to make adecision on what we're doing.
Are you going to stay or not,you know, and she says, well,
I'm here, aren't I?
And that just crushed me.

(51:19):
That just crushed me and it'strue, she was there.
So I guess you know that's theanswer, that she's going to
stick around.
But it made me think like, oh,you know, she's sticking around
for the kids or, you know, forthe finances or for, you know,
the social network or whateveryou know, and it just and I

(51:45):
think it crushed me more than Ishould have let it crush me, but
it just, it just did.
I felt like you know I was, Iwas, um, working hard enough and
doing the right things, thatyou know we could have taken a

(52:07):
timeout or an extension orwhatever you know, um, but it
was just and it was just areminder to me that you know,
she, she wasn't able to give anyother kind of love than that,
and so I had a big struggle withthat and I even went to the

(52:32):
counselor at the time and thecounselor says, oh, you're
making too much of it, youshouldn't expect any more than
that.
That that's just the wayrelationships are and that's the
way marriages are.
And then that you know thatkind of a level of love or
intimacy doesn't come very often, that you know it's now your

(52:56):
life, you're in a comfort zoneand you're kind of on autopilot.
And you know you're kind of onautopilot and you're getting
your joy from the grandkids orfrom your retirement or whatever
.
And I just couldn't buy that.
But because both the counselorand my ex-wife said that I was
just like it was like a prisonsentence to me.

(53:18):
I'm sorry, it was like a prisonsentence to me.
I'm sorry.
It just felt like am I going tohave to live with this forever?
Is this all there is?
And at that time I had prettymuch in the back of my mind
maybe I hadn't really admittedit to myself that I was going to

(53:39):
like give up on it.
It's just like, okay, if that'sall there is.
You know I can't do this andyou know that was a real
breaking point for me.
That was a deal killer, and sodidn't share any of that with
the kids or anything like that.

(54:00):
Didn't share that with anybodyelse except that counselor.
I did stop going to thatcounselor like one or two weeks
later it was like okay,Understandably so.
She came so highly recommendedand you know, all the bishops

(54:25):
and all the local stakes usedher when they needed to have
counselors and so I felt reallycomfortable with that.
But you know it was like shesays, well, if you stay together
you could be such a powercouple in the church and it's
just like, oh okay, that has noappeal really, you know.
So I did find another counselorand he was also a member of the

(54:48):
church in a different state andhe specialized in addictions
and stuff and he really helpedme out quite a bit.
That was really, really a goodthing and, yeah, he was the guy
I needed.
He helped me to really seethings a lot more clearly,

(55:13):
because everything was adecision.
It was like, well, do you wantto come back next week or not?
I'm forcing you, you know, ifyou like doing this, do not.
He got me writing in a journalwhich I think is critical to
have a journal of your feelings,a feelings journal.
I think that when you're goingthrough repentance, you really
need that, because you have somany different feelings that are
going on.

(55:33):
You need to write them down andI think that that's super,
super important them down, and Ithink that that's super, super
important.
You know, he helped me to seehow active Heavenly Father
really was in my life.
And as I think about it, youknow, and as he was kind of

(55:53):
leading me to that with thiskind of questions, it's like,
yeah, you know what?
Back then, you know, when I washaving all those problems right
after the excommunication withthe kids and all that stuff,
there were a couple of guys fromthe ward.
One was a bishop before me whowas so nonjudgmental and he'd

(56:14):
just drive up or come up in hisbike because he was a big
bicyclist in my house.
Just seeing how you are, justseeing how you are Just want to
be your friend, that's all Justlet you know I love you, yeah,
and there was another guy thesame guy we served together when
we were working with the youngsingle adults and he would call

(56:37):
me and say, let's have lunch.
No, let's go to a ball game.
And say, let's have lunch.
No, let's go to a ball game.
You know, let's go fishing.
You know, and you know what Iwas so filled with shame at that
time that I pushed him away.
I pushed him away.
It's just like I can't, I can'tface you, I can't, you know,

(56:59):
not talk about the elephant inthe room.
I just couldn't do it.
But that was.
Heavenly Father sent them to meright away when I needed it.
You know they were both.
You know one was the ex-bishop,the other guy was a high
counselor and it was just likeand then he was soon after a

(57:19):
bishop.
You know, he sent me somepowerhouse guys that I love and
that I've had relationships withthem, and I just couldn't face
it.
I still had so much, you know,this facade going on that I
couldn't do it.
I started going to a lot ofsupport groups my son, my oldest

(57:42):
son.
When I told him, the firstthing out of his mouth was you
need to go to an ARP meeting.
That's the first thing he saidI go, oh, okay, Well, okay, I'm
going to be obedient, so I'mgoing to go.
So I did go, and it was alsoone of the best things that I
could do.

Alisha Coakley (58:00):
ARP for those listening is addiction recovery
right.

Martin Onken (58:05):
Right, yep, yep, and so they're church-sponsored
programs.
And so I found one about 20miles away and so I started
going to that one and that wasan amazing experience, because I
really feel that sin isaddictive.

(58:27):
Going to a support group anaddiction support group is
critical and I went to thepornography one, but pornography
wasn't my issue.
It never was an issue, right,but it was kind of related
because there were some sexualissues involved.
So I went and just the contentof the meetings and the 12 steps

(58:54):
and the humility and thedesperation of the guys that
were there was just incredibleand the spirit was so strong
there.
So that was really a greatexperience.
I started also going to othergroups.
I went to, like codependencygroups and I went to several

(59:18):
other support groups AA, becausewe have a support group for
everything these days, you know.
So I went to those groups andeach one of them I got a little
bit out of One.
Then the codependency group.
I really learned an importantprinciple that really helped me,
because they were all talkingabout how their brains are crazy

(59:38):
and they can't control thethoughts and feelings in their
brains.
And the woman who was leadingthis group she shared with us on
how she copes with it and itwas like one of those wow
moments for me because she saidwell, what I do.
She says when I start feelinglike crazy and discombobulated

(01:00:00):
and jittery, she says I go towherever I am and I put my timer
on my watch for 15 minutes andthen I go in a closet, turn off
the lights and close the closetand I sit there and for 15
minutes I allow myself to thinkevery crazy thought that I can

(01:00:20):
think of Every one of them 15minutes of craziness.
But as soon as that timer goesoff, I stop and I reset the
timer for 15 minutes and forthose 15 minutes I think only of
the really good things in mylife good things in my life.
I thought, wow, for me that waslike one way to separate that

(01:00:45):
craziness from reality, thereality that I had created with
Heavenly Father's reality.
And so we did that same thingand it works.
It's like, oh man, that was thegreatest thing.
Yeah, I love that.

Alisha Coakley (01:01:04):
Yeah, I really do.
I'm like I'm going to give it atry.

Martin Onken (01:01:09):
I know there's probably whoever's listening to
this is probably going to say,hmm, why?
Maybe you know?

Scott Brandley (01:01:16):
Alisha, you better be careful.
You might be in that closet allday.

Alisha Coakley (01:01:20):
I probably will.

Martin Onken (01:01:26):
But it also taught me that I had power to control
my feelings, that my feelingsdidn't have to control me, or my
compulsions or my sins didn'thave to control me, or my
compulsions or my sins didn'thave to control me, that I had
the ability to turn them off andto change the things I was
thinking and feeling.

(01:01:46):
And I never felt like I hadthat power before.
And that simple exercise waslike one of the really
enlightening moments, you know,of my whole recovery process,
and I believe that that's one ofthe moments that Heavenly
Father gave me, you know,because I would have never

(01:02:06):
thought about going to acodependency meeting.
You know, it's just like that'snot me.
Why would?

Alisha Coakley (01:02:11):
I go there.

Martin Onken (01:02:12):
You know I'm bad enough in the pornography
meeting, you know.
So anyway, I also after theaddiction recovery meeting,
which is always held in a churchbuilding, right.
So the one that I went to wasreally near the Los Angeles
Temple.
So I would go to the templeafter every meeting.

(01:02:33):
So once a week I went to thetemple and you know I couldn't
get in but I could sit there.
They have, you know, a greatvisitor center there and I would
sit there in front of thevisitor center and I would
listen to the music in thebackground and you know I would
look at the statues and I couldlook at the temple, I could
remember my experiences in thetemple and to do that every week

(01:02:58):
kind of helped bring somesanity back to me.
You know that I am going toHeavenly Father.
I'm not waiting for Him to cometo me, I am going to Him.
I am going to the most sacredplace that I can go as close as
I can get, and I'm going.
Every week After I do thesupport group I'm going there

(01:03:23):
and that was really, reallygreat.
So one of the times that I wentthere I decide, okay, you know
what, I'm kind of getting alittle bit better.
So I need to start over withthe gospel and so I am going to

(01:03:45):
take the missionary lessonsagain from ground zero.
And so I went into the visitorcenter and it was like five
minutes till nine, you know,because after my meeting it's
late, the visitor center isgetting ready to close, and I
talked to a couple of sistermissionaries and I said I want

(01:04:06):
to take the lessons again herein the visitor center with you
and they said okay, we can dothat.
So I said, okay, every weekI'll be back here at 830, you
know, every week on Tuesdaynights.
So I came back, so the nextnight, next Tuesday, I go there

(01:04:30):
and those same two sistermissionaries who were super,
super strong, super spiritual,super loving and kind they
weren't on duty and so they said, oh, they're not here, but
these other two sistermissionaries are there and I go
oh geez.
Oh.
So anyways, I said, okay, it's8.30.

(01:04:52):
We got 30 minutes, okay.
So I tell them my story, or alittle bit of my story, as much
as you can tell a sistermissionary right, without
totally freaking them out, butenough to invite the Spirit and
let them know how desperate I amand what I need to do, and that
I'm going through thisrepentance and this, and that

(01:05:22):
three moments for me during myrepentance is that I'm telling
my story and these two sistermissionaries, their eyes are
really big and they're reallyquiet.
I know they don't know what tosay.
And then I finally get my storyand I said, okay, I'm ready to
start the lesson.
So wherever you want to start,sisters, let's go.
And one sister she says to me,she says well, before we get

(01:05:43):
started, she says I have to tellyou something.
She says I never wanted to goon a mission, that was not in my
plans, but I've been out on mymission for two months now.
She said, and one of thereasons I didn't want to go on a
mission was because my fatherwas really active in the church

(01:06:08):
and he was excommunicated and itbroke him, wow, and I didn't
know how to help him.
I didn't know what I could dofor him, and so I decided the
only thing I could do was to goon a mission and hopefully the

(01:06:29):
blessings that my family willreceive will help my father.
And then she says to me hearingyour story helps me understand
what he's going through and ithelps me love him more than I

(01:06:50):
did before.
And I'm so grateful thatHeavenly Father brought you to
me, because I only work here inthe temple.
She says, I'm only a couple oftimes a month because I am in a
family work.
And that was a testimony to methat heavenly father, during our

(01:07:12):
, our weakest moments, when weleast deserve it, we'll use us
and we'll be with us and remindus that he isn't done with us,
that there's still good in us,that if we just take it one step
at a time, start with thebasics, be obedient, be

(01:07:36):
submissive, be humble, do it hisway, not my way.
And that was a great moment andit just strengthened my
conviction.
You know that Heavenly Fathercan't abandon us.
He can't.

(01:07:56):
He still sees the good in us,the good that I believe, though
I buried there somewhere, hestill sees it, even when all
that sin is coming to theforefront, is being exposed and
all the weaknesses, and thatstill continues during the
repentance process.

(01:08:17):
But he still sees only the goodand he uses that good, and he
did.
I never saw that sistermissionary again.
I was there back there everyweek for six months or more.
Wow, I never saw her, but Iknew that Heavenly Father used

(01:08:39):
me to help her, that was just anamazing experience.

Alisha Coakley (01:08:43):
I'll never forget that that was just an
amazing experience.

Martin Onken (01:08:50):
I'll never forget that.
So I continued going on throughthe repentance process.
I did decide to leave my wife.
And so that was really difficult.

(01:09:12):
That kind of pushed her overthe edge.
She was really, really angry,and you know I don't blame her.
I mean, she built a lifeexpecting certain things from me
, and I was always telling herthat you know, yes, you can
trust me, you know we're goingto build a life together yes,

(01:09:35):
we're sealed, and you know we'regoing to build an eternity
together and have families andso forth, and I just couldn't, I
just couldn't, I just couldn't.
And so that's how I did it.
And so that's when things got,you know, really rough between

(01:09:58):
my wife and I.
We don't talk now.
You know that was probablyeight, nine years ago.
Wow, we don't talk.
She ended up, you know, yeah,she ended up doing a lot of
really harmful stuff.

(01:10:19):
One of those things was thatshe posted on the blog all our
dirty laundry, so to speak, withnames and dates and everything.
A lot of people then contactingme and saying what is this?
Look at what we're readingonline and stuff.

(01:10:41):
So at that point too, too, thekids really felt like they had
to choose a side right.
So it was really difficult onthem, yeah, really difficult on
them.
I didn't realize how difficultit would be on her, or?

Alisha Coakley (01:11:04):
on them.

Martin Onken (01:11:06):
We're realize how difficult it would be on her or
on them.
We're still recovering.
My youngest daughter does notspeak much.
I mean she lets me see mygrandkids.
She has three of my grandkids,so she lets me see them whenever

(01:11:26):
I'm in town.
But the third child she had, Iwasn't there for the birth.
In fact, I didn't even know shewas pregnant until she was
having the delivery and one ofthe other kids said your
daughter's going to have a baby.
And I go what?
Wow, yeah, so they're.
Yeah, that's your daughter'sgoing to have a baby.

(01:11:46):
And I go what?
Wow, yeah, so there, yeah, thatis still a tragedy.
It's difficult for me becauseit's like I really felt like I
was being selfish.
You know that I could havestayed.

Alisha Coakley (01:12:11):
You know I do know and at the same time, too,
I just like I understand kind ofwhere you're coming from,
because it's hard, especiallywhen you think about the
scripture that talks about menare that they might have joy,
and if you feel like that joy isa big piece of something that's

(01:12:34):
missing in a relationship, Ican see how it would feel like
such a hard decision to stay orto go like logistically, yes,
you could stay and you could bea power couple and it could be
this great thing and all thesethings.
But at the same time, we, justyou just don't know, like you

(01:12:55):
know, are you ever going to getback to a place where it feels
like a real marriage, you know,where you feel like there's the
love that's coming from bothsides in a way that both people
need.
So I can understand how that canbe really, really hard and at
the same time, your wife I cansee how she too can could, could
be so hurt and so upset becauseshe felt like she, she forgave,

(01:13:19):
she kept trying, she kept, youknow, like I don't know.
So, there, I don't thinkthere's there's.
I truly don't think thatthere's a right or wrong in a
situation like that.

(01:13:40):
Put the rest of it in heavenlyfather's hands, knowing that he
can get us wherever we need togo, and it it might look a
little different than what weoriginally thought, but he's not
going to leave any one of usalone.
He's not going to leave yourex-wife alone or your children

(01:14:02):
or you.
Everyone's going to be lovedand taken care of in a way that
they need, you know it just maynot look like how they want it
to look.

Martin Onken (01:14:12):
Yeah, Well, it's definitely a process we're still
going through each one of themdifferently.
Yeah, yeah, so it's.
Yeah, I mean, it's just likefrom my viewpoint.
You don't want to make it anyworse by, you know, creating

(01:14:36):
sides.
So you just have to kind ofjust say, okay, this is the
decision I made I had to make,and just give them a rough idea
why and not go into the details,because then they're going to
want to pick sides at leastthat's what I thought, and it
did happen.

(01:14:56):
They picked sides, you know,for whatever reason.
You know I don't want to gothere, but, um, they did, you
know, and and if that helps themfeel better about it or accept
it or whatever, then that youknow.

Scott Brandley (01:15:14):
that's that's good, you know, but it is still
something that we're workingthrough um, yeah, I mean that
divorce is something that takesa long time to figure out.
My parents got divorced when Iwas really young and it took
them decades to become goodfriends again.

(01:15:38):
But towards the end, before mydad passed away, they would
there's they had both gottenremarried and there's.
They would get together andplay cards, they'd have game
nights together and stuff wowwow, you never know, right, you
never know what's gonna happen.
Right?
Like time does heal wounds,perspective changes things.

(01:16:01):
Um, you know, and and we canlook at things as we get older
and more mature, even your kids,and maybe even your ex-wife,
will be able to look back andsee things from a different
perspective.

Martin Onken (01:16:15):
Right, with more experience under their belts
hopefully, yeah, right before weget too old and die.

Alisha Coakley (01:16:23):
Yeah, maybe we'll have to figure it out on
the other side.
You know, yeah, I always.
I almost wonder, sometimes,though, if that'll be a little
easier for us to fullyunderstand, like if we don't
have the barrier that's here inour human form, right, like if
we're actually able tounderstand every part of every

(01:16:47):
person, why they did what theydid, what they went through, how
their brain was working.
You know, like I like to thinkthat, hopefully, on the other
side, we have such a clearknowledge of it that it makes it
almost impossible for us toharbor any type of hurt or
grudges or then like vengefulfeelings or any of that kind of

(01:17:11):
stuff.

Martin Onken (01:17:11):
So I think I think we'll have a window to that.
I think we'll still have ouragency, but I think that we'll
have a window to thatunderstanding if we choose to
look in that window.
Yeah, right, yeah, but I did.
I did end up remarrying.
I was single for about twoyears a little over two years

(01:17:34):
and I muddied up the situationagain because I ended up
marrying a woman that worked forme in our little RV company,
and so the kids knew her reallywell.
Debbie, my wife, knew her, andsomehow they got the impression

(01:17:55):
that I was having a relationshipwith her this whole time when I
wasn't Right.
But she did, and I datedseveral other women, but she did
, or does, express that kind ofa relationship that has lots of

(01:18:20):
intimacy and no judgment.
When I told her bits and piecesof my story, she goes I don't
need to hear the whole story.
She said I'm not here to judgeyou, I'm just here to love you.
Wow, so I don't need to hearanything.
And so you know that went along way.

Alisha Coakley (01:18:48):
Yeah.

Martin Onken (01:18:49):
And she's also the kind of woman that I say is,
you know, she's the first toarrive and the last to leave,
you know, like at a party orsomething, she's the first to be
there to help out and set upand whatever, and the last one
to leave and take out the trash.
It's just the kind of personshe is and serving others, and

(01:19:10):
so those are really two strong,uh, characteristics that I was
looking for, and so yeah yeah,we've been married a few years
now and it's, it's great, it's agreat relationship.
Good, she's not a member of thechurch, but she, she's really
strong in her faith.
She's not a member of thechurch, but she's really strong
in her faith, she's Catholic,and so, yeah, we get along great

(01:19:31):
, so that's probably, but youdid get re-baptized.
I did.
Yeah, I did get re-baptized.
And yeah, I did.
I just recently had myblessings restored, like three
months ago, wow aww.
Yeah, I did.
I just recently had myblessings restored, like three
months ago, wow so yeah, so thatwas awesome.

(01:19:52):
So I went through, oh my gosh, Iward hopped so many times and
each time the bishop was great,each time the state president
was great.
And then not this last stakepresident, but the one before

(01:20:19):
that was helping me getrebaptized.
And we applied for rebaptismwhen we got turned down.
And he goes we got turned down.
He says I know a lot of thoseguys personally, I thought for
sure we'd get you in.
And so he says this to me.
He says there must be somethingelse.

(01:20:40):
Are you missing something ordid you not do something?
Did you forget something?
And I go no man, I've gonethrough all of these bishops,
all these stake presidents.
I've had to tell bits andpieces of my story to each of
them, you know.
And no, he says well, he saysthere must be something.

(01:21:04):
He says give me a week or twoto think about it and we'll meet
again.
And so two weeks later he callsme and he says let's meet.
And the first thing he says iswell, did you think of anything?
And I go yes, I did.
And I completely forgot aboutthat.
The other daughter, Icompletely forgot about that.

(01:21:30):
The other daughter, that Ididn't want to reopen anything
with the other woman becausethat just might have caused a
lot of problems on every frontand so I couldn't really I felt
I could be wrong, but I didn'tfeel like I could have a
relationship with that daughteryet because of the thing with
her mom, and so I put her out ofmy mind for a long time because

(01:21:54):
I had so many other thingsgoing on.
I told him I think that's whatit is.
And he says you're darn tootin', it is, that's exactly what it
is.
So he says let's meet again intwo weeks and see what you have
to say.
And sure enough, during thosetwo weeks I made contact with
her.
She's very lukewarm about it,but I did make contact with her

(01:22:18):
and talk to her.
And so you know thatrelationship has got a long way
to go.
But she did talk to me and so Icame back and reported that to
him.
He says okay, I'm going to writeyou another letter.
He says you don't have to writethe letter, but I'll write the
letter.
So he wrote the letter againand then three months later I

(01:22:42):
was approved to be rebaptized.
So he was there during mybaptism.
Another previous statepresident was there, three
bishops were there.
There was like 50 people there.
I was expecting one or twopeople, like I'm used to seeing.
That was the biggest baptismI've seen in a long time.

(01:23:04):
It's just really sweet, reallysweet, really sweet.
That's great.
And then, two weeks after mybaptism, that stake president
dies.

Alisha Coakley (01:23:17):
Oh, wow.

Martin Onken (01:23:19):
He'd had a terminal illness all this time.
Oh, man and he was meeting withme and giving me great counsel,
and this counsel about you knowwhat else is there?
There's something else, and Ithink I was his last big project
, so to speak.
I'm so grateful for that that,again, that's heavenly father

(01:23:43):
matched me up with thatparticular stake president for
that thing that needed to happen.

Scott Brandley (01:23:48):
Yeah, yeah.

Martin Onken (01:23:52):
And now I've got another stake president who's
young and got a lot of life andenergy and enthusiasm, and he
came and he was able to get myblessings restored.
And so I go to the temple forthe first time and I have a

(01:24:15):
really good friend of mine whois in another state but he's
been visiting me every week.
He's another one of thesepeople that Heavenly Father sent
me.
He's another one of thesepeople that Heavenly Father sent
me One night when I was reallydown and I called him out of the
clear blue and I said Do youthink that anybody could sin

(01:24:35):
enough to have Heavenly Fathergive up on them?
And he said to me he says I'mcoming right over and since that
day, like nine years ago, he'sbeen every.
Well, he wasn't coming everyweek for a long time and every
month he still comes and visits.
He doesn't have to, but he's inanother state.

(01:24:57):
You know I'm not really hiswife, so anyway.
So yeah, the new stakepresident I have was able to get
my blessings restored.
So I go to the temple for thefirst time and now they have
this new deal right and I'vebeen out of it for 12 years, so

(01:25:20):
like you could go to your toolsand there's like all the names
that are temple-ready and I'mlike what, and so there was a
relative.
So the first time I went back, Iwent back for an uncle on my
mom's side awesome and it wasjust a great experience that to

(01:25:41):
be able to not only go to thetemple with my good friend
that's been visiting me for allthese years and to to uh take a
family member through and so umyeah, so that's great.
I have callings now I gotcalled to be the uh assistant,
uh organist in the.

(01:26:02):
I don't know how to play theorgan.
I'm the assistant organistbecause now I guess you can do
the computer part on it.
Oh wow.
And I do the ward program and Iam now kind of like a
substitute teacher that they getme to do stuff.
I am a senior missionarybecause I'm serving with the

(01:26:24):
addiction recovery program, soI'm a convertible.
I never, went on a mission, butnow I'm serving with the
addiction recovery program, soI'm a convert to church.
I never went on a mission butnow I'm on my mission.
And my mission is to try tohelp people come back to the
church, especially people whohave been, you know, abandoned

(01:26:45):
or offended or driven away fromthe church, whether it's the
church people or whether it'stheir own little deal or
whatever.
But those people who got youknow, been offended or have a
grudge against the church, tryand reach them and however I can
I don't know how that's goingto happen because I'm just in my
cubbyhole but whoever it is, tolet them know that it's much,

(01:27:09):
much better Coming back, it'sworth the effort.
And one friend said he sayswell, you got to live 10 years
anyway.
You might as well do itrepenting.
I mean, what else are you goingto do?

Alisha Coakley (01:27:20):
right, I love that perspective.
What?

Martin Onken (01:27:23):
You know you're going to live anyway.
Yeah, the best use of your time.
I want to spread that that, nomatter how bad it looks, no
matter how many times you messup, it doesn't really faze
Heavenly Father, he's a good, hegets us, yeah it's a really

(01:27:45):
good way to put it, and so Ihave a really good way to put it
, and so I have a really strongtestimony of that that the
Savior really did atone for eachone of us individually and he
experienced each of our sins andeach of our weaknesses and
really looked at him and thoughtabout him and said I can

(01:28:06):
imagine how Martin feels, I canimagine what he's afraid of or
what he's tempted by, and I knowthat, I can feel that and I'm
going to die for it anyway.
And that's the God I worship now.
That's a great God.
That's my God now, and so Iwant to show that he's

(01:28:28):
everyone's god.
However, I can do that.

Alisha Coakley (01:28:31):
That's my deal martin I just love I just love
everything about you, like you,like your whole demeanor is just
so full of hope.
You know and I don't know,maybe that was I was feeling a
little model bear during yourstory for you, because you just

(01:28:52):
have this beautiful outlook onlife and I know, maybe it wasn't
always so.
I know you've struggled and youprobably still have your days
and stuff, but the the way I'mfeeling right now is just that
you, but the way I'm feelingright now is just that you
definitely have a specialconnection with the Savior and a
special love for others that isreally hard for some people to

(01:29:16):
have and I just, I don't know,I'm just so glad that I was able
to meet you and to hear yourstory today, thank you.

Martin Onken (01:29:23):
Yeah, I love you guys.
You guys are awesome.

Scott Brandley (01:29:31):
You guys are very uplifting for me.
Like your story, you go to sucha a dark place in your life for
so long and then, like likeAlisha said, there's hope at the
end because you are able toshow everyone that's watching
and everyone that you tell yourstory.
Even if you're in the darkest,deepest hole, you can still come

(01:29:55):
out of it and be at the topagain.
You know what I mean.
You can be redeemed, you canreach the top, and you're living
proof of it.

Martin Onken (01:30:10):
Yeah, even when you can't imagine what the end
is and that you've lost all hopeof what it might be, and you
for sure feel that you've blownit.
Maybe you have in your own mind, but not in Heavenly Father's

(01:30:31):
mind.
To him, it's like you're aknucklehead, but I got all this
other stuff for you.
Now let's get going, getyourself together, let's go.
We got stuff to do.
I really believe that that isthe real God, that is our God,

(01:30:51):
that is our Father, you know.
And so it's just like, okay, Idon't feel like I have a lot to
make up.
I just feel like, okay, I'mjust going to follow his plan
and whatever he wants me to do,I'll do that.
I'll be submissive, I'll beobedient and I'll be as loving
as I can, and I won't make thesame mistakes that I made before

(01:31:15):
.

Scott Brandley (01:31:16):
Probably a good idea.

Martin Onken (01:31:17):
Yeah anybody else along the way, you know, then
I'm eager, I'm anxious, I wantto do it.
I love that Because I tried todo it alone and that's what got
one of the things that got meinto trouble, and so I don't

(01:31:39):
want to let anybody else bealone.
If I can help it.

Alisha Coakley (01:31:44):
That's wonderful , oh, martin Gosh.
Thank you so so much.

Martin Onken (01:31:51):
I like I said I mean coming on for two parts is
like you did a lot of work.

Alisha Coakley (01:31:59):
You did a lot of work and the audience doesn't
know this, but we we had toreschedule a few different times
for part two, and then at onepoint we started recording.
Well, we heard part two.

Scott Brandley (01:32:10):
Part of it.

Martin Onken (01:32:12):
Yeah, this could have been part three.

Scott Brandley (01:32:15):
And I forgot to push record on the podcast.

Alisha Coakley (01:32:19):
Scott did forget to push record, and that's okay
.
I I actually I think that thisall was working out well because
I I love the the overalldirection that this version of
part two went.
You know, I think the first one, uh, I was having an off day, I

(01:32:39):
was a little miss grouchy pants, so so I think that this is
this is just really full of hopeand hope and I felt the spirit
during it and I just reallyreally appreciate you coming on
here today and sharing yourstory with us.
Thank, you.
Thank you, it's an honor.

Martin Onken (01:32:56):
And it was a safe place for me to do this for the
first time you made me feelreally safe.
The both of you did.
Oh good, that helped quite abit.
You have no idea.

Scott Brandley (01:33:06):
Good.
Well, I feel like we're likelongtime friends now.
I mean we all the times we metand talk.

Martin Onken (01:33:16):
Exactly Sure.
You two are awesome.
I wish you much luck and muchsuccess with the, with the
podcast and your whole programand your whole mission and your
ministry.
Really it's awesome.

Alisha Coakley (01:33:31):
We need it Well, same to you.
You're definitely much needed.

Martin Onken (01:33:37):
Thank you, I'll try yeah.

Alisha Coakley (01:33:42):
Oh, awesome.

Scott Brandley (01:33:44):
Yeah Well, thanks Martin for coming back on
the show a second time andthanks everyone for tuning in
for another episode ofLatter-day Lights.

Alisha Coakley (01:33:53):
If you want to help Martin get his story out
there, go hit that share buttonand let's share his light and
his hope and help other peopleto know that even when things
look the worst, there's alwayshope and god's always going to
be there for us amen, yeah, andfor anyone who's listening and

(01:34:17):
who maybe maybe you've nevershared your story before, like
martin, and you're kind offeeling the little tingles and
the butterflies and the and thelittle nervous feelings that we
know we get whenever we'resupposed to bear our testimony
or say something in the templeor speak up in the middle of a
classroom.
If you're feeling thosefeelings, we want to hear from
you.
So be sure that you guys reachout to us, uh,

(01:34:38):
latterdaylightsatgmailcom, oryou can head over to our lights
are, to our website,latterdaylightscom, and fill out
the form at the bottom of thepage.
We would love to be able tohear your story and to share
some more light with the world.

Martin Onken (01:34:53):
Great.
Thank you Super.

Alisha Coakley (01:34:57):
All right, guys.
Well, that's all we have foryou this week.
Make sure you tune in next weekfor another episode of
Latter-day Light.
Have a good one.

Scott Brandley (01:35:05):
You too Bye-bye.

Martin Onken (01:35:06):
Good night, bye-bye.