August 6, 2025 • 26 mins
Back-to-school season is officially here—which means earlier mornings, longer to-do lists, and a lot of big feelings. If you're feeling a little sad, scattered, or guilty about how summer went (or didn’t go), you're not alone. In this heartfelt and humor-filled episode, I’m unpacking what makes this transition so emotionally messy and sharing simple, actionable steps to help your child—and yourself—adjust with more grace and less chaos. Whether you’re clinging to summer or counting the minutes until the school bell rings, this episode is for you.
If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:
https://leighgermann.com
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Summer is almost over and it's time to transition
back to school.
And this can just bring out allthe emotions, can it, for both
parents and kids?
Today we're talking about how toease your children back into the
school routine with more calm,confidence, and connection.
This is Leadership Parenting,Episode 104.
Music Did you know thatresilience is the key to
(00:25):
confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman.
I'm a therapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore the skillsyou need to know to be confident
and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
(00:45):
This is Leadership Parentingwhere you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hello everybody and welcome backto our Leadership Parenting
Podcast.
I am really excited to be withyou guys today.
It is hard for me to imaginethat we are, at the time of this
(01:06):
recording, we are in July and weare getting close to the end of
summer, which is kind of odd tome because in my mind, summer
kind of goes through to the endof August and it used to be back
in the olden days that schooldidn't start until after Labor
Day.
And so you really did have threefull months of summer, June,
July, and August.
And now here we are in July andalready thinking about the end
(01:31):
of summer and the start ofschool.
And the families that I workwith, this is kind of a buzz.
This is kind of the thing that'son everybody's mind.
And I'm really fortunate that Iget to work with moms at all
stages of their life, right?
I have a small group of womenthat I work with that are empty
nesters and they are looking athow to navigate those challenges
(01:54):
in their life, not activelyraising children and all of the
things that come with that,right?
Having relationships with theiradult children, with their
grandchildren and then reallyjust stepping in to the
wholeness of who they are nowthat they have this time free to
focus on that.
So that's one group of peoplethat I take care of and work
with.
(02:14):
And then there's this wholeother group that are brand new
mamas and they're first timeparents.
They're going throughmatrescence, which is that
building out and understanding,taking on that role of
motherhood.
And that is such a unique time.
And I don't know that thosefolks are really thinking a lot
about school starting.
(02:35):
But then the majority of womenthat I work with are in between
with children that are schoolage, either toddlers about to go
into school or all the way up tohigh school and college age
kids.
And we and our family, this big,huge crew that I have, I've got
five kids and everybody'smarried and everybody's starting
(02:57):
to have children.
Some have three, four children.
And We've got two brand newkindergartners in our family
that are starting school thisyear.
So there's a super, super buzzof excitement in our family.
And it was really interestingbecause we have this really fun
family group text.
I don't know if you guys haveany of this.
It's kind of crazy.
(03:18):
It links us all together.
And in our family group text,one of our family members, my
son-in-law, set out a textquestion, a poll in our group
text, about how we feel aboutschool when it's starting
school.
And here were the options.
The first option, it was kind ofon a continuum.
(03:40):
The first option was I was notlooking forward to school at
all.
Anxiety crippled my soul becauseof that awful day.
That was one end of thecontinuum.
The middle choice was beingindifferent.
It was just another day in theneighborhood.
And the final choice, which wason the other end of the
continuum, was it was the bestday of the year, the
(04:00):
overwhelming excitement onlycoming second to Christmas
morning.
And then we all took this poll.
And it's really interestingbecause it caused me to start
thinking about what was myreaction to going to school?
What was my memory of that?
And as I thought through it, Ithought about all of you moms
that when you go to send yourkids to school, you know, it's
(04:23):
not just that you're sendingyour children and their stage of
readiness and there's certainexperiences.
It's also how you felt aboutschool, what that was like for
you.
So there's a lot that goes intothis.
And my answer Well, two of usactually in the family were down
on the other end where anxietywas kind of part of our school
experience.
And that was me.
(04:43):
I was one of those.
And then a large number of ourpeople were in the middle.
And then there was a group ofour family that were at 10.
It was the best day ever.
They just thought it was asclose to Christmas as possible.
So it's really had me thinkingas I'm working with the mothers
and the families in my busy,busy practice that we've got
(05:04):
this big transition thatfamilies are making from
summertime where we have ourkids home, where they're in more
in our, I don't know, do you saycontrol?
More in, we're in control oftheir time.
Let's say that.
We have more time with them.
And that comes with its own setof challenges, doesn't it?
It's a lot of time that we wantto get scheduled, have the kids
(05:24):
feel like they're active anddoing great things.
But it's also a time that wekind of get to take a break from
all the programming andscheduling.
I know that's not always thecase, but- in general, we're not
on the school timeline.
And I just think this time ofyear holds such a strange mix of
emotions.
There's anticipation for newbeginnings and a fresh start and
(05:48):
all the new people you're gonnameet and the new things you're
gonna do when school starts, butalso a little bit of loss and a
little bit of sadness that wedon't have that little cocoon
that we had over the summer thatwe get our kids all to
ourselves.
And I'm also hearing that Thislittle whisper of guilt.
Now we just did an episode onguilt, so hopefully you'll
understand what I mean.
That when I say guilt, I'mprobably talking more about
(06:10):
expectations that we had that wedidn't meet over the summer, not
necessarily that we didsomething wrong.
Go back and listen to episode103 to clarify that on guilt.
But I am hearing it.
It's coming in women's language.
Did we do enough this summer?
Did I make enough memories?
Did we use the time we hadreally well?
(06:31):
And I see moms grasping for thattime back.
Almost could we start overknowing that we're at the end of
the summer now?
What's missing that we wish wewould have done?
I also have moms that are prettyrelieved to send their kids back
to school because being home allday with kids is also
challenging.
And so sometimes there's guiltaround that.
(06:52):
I mean...
Isn't it so complex what we dealwith as moms?
I just sometimes think it's notfair how important the job is
that we have and how tender andsensitive and how deeply we feel
about things.
So let's just say that goingback to school, the transition,
just it has a lot of stuff thatgoes with it.
So if any of this resonates withyou, I want you to take a deep
(07:14):
breath.
Because I am hoping to bring yousome words of encouragement,
some practical steps that we canfollow to make this transition
more peaceful, more connected,maybe even a little bit more
meaningful for your family andhopefully just give you a space
to feel like you can think aboutit and realize that you're not
alone, that this is part ofraising kids, this ebb and flow
(07:35):
of schedules and transitions.
And I think it helps to just getprepared for it because, you
know, summer brings morefreedom, later nights, less
structure, more togetherness,and that is awesome.
But it also means that whenschool approaches, families have
to renegotiate almosteverything.
So even though it may seem likeit's a sentimental process,
there's also a logisticalprocess to it.
(07:56):
And I'd love to talk about thattoday because not only may we be
feeling this kind of up and downand this little bits of emotion,
our kids also can be feeling itas well.
They could be feeling sadness,nervousness, resistance, or even
just kind of a wild excitement.
I actually loved it when my kidswere super excited about school
because I was always so nervousabout going to school.
(08:18):
So to see kids go withoutanxiety, I think is such a
relief.
It's almost worth anything tome.
And I know with a lot of youmoms that have kids that get
really anxious, so painful forthem, so painful for us.
And we could do another episodeor maybe a series on that, on
how to help our kids who feel soanxious.
I think that that might bereally helpful, but it's just
(08:39):
unknown, right?
The school year is a new yearand friends are new and they've
never done third grade before orjunior in high school before or
whatever that stage is thatthey're moving up to can really
bring a bunch of emotions forour kids.
So all of these feelings arevery, very human.
You know, research into kids'emotional adjustment tells us
(09:03):
that these kinds of transitions,they're prime times for our
children to experience emotionaldysregulation.
Like lucky us, right?
Transitions bring dysregulationfor all of us.
Dr.
Bruce Perry's work ontrauma-informed care shows us
that any significant change,even positive ones, can activate
(09:25):
our stress response systems.
New things are different and cansometimes turn on that nervous
system and cause us to have athreat response.
But here's the encouraging news.
Transitions are also really keyopportunities for building
resilience.
And especially our goal asparents is to create safety and
(09:45):
predictability and emotionallyresponsive environments to hold
our kids, kind of give thatfoundation so that our children
can face the change so that theycan try the new things.
So it's kind of like being anice, sturdy dock and then our
kids can kind of jump off of it,swim around a little bit and
(10:07):
then come back to it.
So here are some practicalresearch-informed tools or
strategies that you can start touse today to help your kids deal
with transitions.
Strategy one, we need toacknowledge all the feelings,
theirs and ours.
Instead of trying to fix sadnessor rush into excitement about
(10:31):
school, let's just let it slowdown a little bit and let our
kids and ourselves sit with theemotions.
You're going to hear me say thisa lot because this is the core
of emotional regulation.
One of the reasons why we get sodysregulated is because we get a
wave of emotions that come andin the flurry of the emotions,
(10:53):
we often try to run from them orto tamp them down or kind of get
rid of them.
And the key is the opposite, toslow it down and feel the
emotions.
So here's some things that youcan say to your kids.
It's okay to be sad that summeris ending.
You're not alone.
I'm feeling it too.
(11:13):
We can hold on to both.
We can miss summer and be alittle bit excited about what's
ahead for the school year.
Your feelings make completesense.
I love that phrase.
Don't you love it if somebodysays that to you?
You say, oh, I'm just so sad.
And somebody goes, oh, thatmakes so much sense.
I just take a big breath asopposed to someone saying, don't
(11:35):
feel that way or you shouldn'tfeel that way.
There's something about thatacceptance of the feeling
without a question that really,really changes how you
experience the feeling.
So when we validate ourchildren's feelings, we're just
teaching them that emotions aresafe to feel.
Now, this approach is rooted inwhat we call emotion coaching.
(11:57):
We get most of our greatinformation about emotion
coaching from John Gottman, whois a leader in research in
marriage and familyrelationships.
And emotion coaching is aparenting approach that involves
recognizing and validating yourkids' emotions, even the hard
ones or the negative ones, andseeing them as opportunities for
connection and actually forteaching your kids.
(12:20):
It's about understanding theiremotional state and helping them
label their feelings and guidingthem to ways to cope with those
feelings, especially whenthey're hard.
So when we're validating ourkids' feelings, we're noticing
them.
We're letting our kids know thatwe see them.
That's the validation.
And then we're just kind ofslowing it down and letting them
have them.
And when we do that, we'reteaching them that emotions are
(12:42):
safe to feel.
And that is going to make thewhole transition much easier to
do, much less scary.
Okay, strategy number two.
One of the hard things aboutmaking transitions is that we go
from doing one thing to doing adifferent thing.
And that really happens when wego back to school.
(13:03):
And our bodies thrive onrhythms.
So abrupt changes to our bodilyrhythms, and that's gonna be
mostly with things like sleepingand eating, those abrupt changes
could really feel jarring justto our bodies.
So biologically, right,physiologically, and to our
nervous systems.
Because often with summer, we'vehad a slower, more gentle pace.
(13:25):
Lots of research on this too.
Circadian rhythm research showsus that gradual shifts to these
bodily functions like sleep andmeals, they're processed more
easily by our internal clocksthan sudden changes.
So let me say that again.
Gradual shifts are better thansudden changes.
So if you're like our house andwe tend to stay up late when
(13:47):
there's nothing that we have tobe at the next morning and kids
are up playing games or watchingmovies or doing whatever we do
because we don't have that hardstop because we don't have an
early morning the next morning.
Our family sometimes came, allof that fun kind of came to a
screeching halt when schoolstarted.
And I had years where I had muchbetter planning and then years
(14:09):
where we kind of just went fullthrottle in the summer kind of
mode until school started, youknow, like that next day.
And it was a harder transition.
Looking back, I could see howmuch more our kids had to
struggle with just getting backinto that routine.
And it's not just like, I don'twant to do it.
(14:30):
I don't want to go to bed earlyand get up early in the morning.
It's that their circadianrhythms in their body clocks,
we're not used to it.
So what you can do as a mom ingetting ready for this
transition back to school is tostart now making some gradual
shifts.
Start to move your bedtime andyour wake times earlier by a few
(14:53):
minutes every couple of days.
So in other words, let's startputting elements of the school
day back into our lives, evenbefore the school day starts.
Now, you may get some resistancefrom this because these are
precious last days of summer,but I think you can do some
things that aren't too painful.
If you have dinner during theschool year around the same time
(15:16):
every night, let's start doingthat now before school starts.
You can also move your bedtimesback a few minutes every couple
of days so that you're getting,instead of going to bed at nine
o'clock at night for yourlittles, maybe you're starting
at 8.45, then you move it backto 8.30.
You can even practice maybe evena week or two before school
(15:37):
starts, how you go about yourmorning routine and set a timer
and make it silly.
I've worked with a family whosemom was like brilliant at making
things fun.
And so she would do things likehide little notes or hide little
rewards.
I don't think it was like candy.
I think she said she just evengot like a little jar of cotton
(15:58):
balls and she would hide acotton ball in the area where...
her kids had to kind of do thenext thing on their list.
So there was a cotton ball bytheir backpack.
There was a cotton ball in theirshoes.
There was a cotton ball by theirtoothbrush.
And then they would show up withall of their cotton balls.
And it was kind of like a race.
I don't even think she gave thema reward for it.
(16:18):
It was all in the fun and thegame of finding the cotton
balls.
You know, for some of our kids,structure is really hard.
They resist it.
And also learning can be reallyhard.
So I think when we make anythingfun, like going into schedules
and helping kids find routinesand be in their routine and own
(16:39):
their routine, trying to makethat fun can really speak their
language and help themexperience in a way that they
can remember.
So if you put it to music or youput it in a game, they can start
to learn it, especially thelittler that they are.
Okay, another strategy.
Research is showing thatchildren with consistent
(17:00):
nurturing rituals feel moresecure and confident when they
enter school environments.
And I think it's because ritualscreate emotional safety and
belonging.
So I want you to think aboutwhat your end of summer or
beginning of school rituals looklike.
I love the idea of sittingaround and sharing your favorite
summer memory.
(17:20):
What did we do this summer thatyou really loved?
What would you like to do again?
How can we put that on ourschedule for next summer?
And when it comes to back toschool rituals, what's something
that you could do that your kidskind of feel your security and
your love?
Can you write a first day noteand tuck it into their lunchbox
or create a special hug or ahandshake for drop-offs?
(17:44):
Or even start a ritual whereevery night at dinner after a
school day, you talk about thehighlights or the challenges.
You know, sometimes we call itroses and thorns, right?
The positives and the negatives.
There are lots of rituals thatwe could do that really kind of
serve as that foundation andthat glue for our kids.
(18:04):
Because when you think aboutthem going into school, really
what's happening is they aregoing out in an independent way
away from us, away from thesecurity of their family.
And we want this.
So we're not trying to preventthat in any way, but we just
want that nice, secure ritual tofeel like a safe thing that they
(18:24):
can count on.
So be thinking about what youalready do and what rituals you
might institute that couldprovide this for your kids.
And if you want to learn alittle bit more about how to
create rituals that really wrapyour kids in love, we did a
whole episode on that.
It was episode number 63.
I think it's really worth alisten, especially as you're
(18:45):
looking at instituting newrituals in your family to help
your kids with thesetransitions.
Okay.
Here's an interesting strategythat I've seen some families
use.
We can work with our kids'confidence by preparing them for
the things that they're worriedabout.
So when you sit down with yourkiddos and you find out what are
(19:07):
the things that you're mostexcited about and what are the
things that are feeling a littlebit scary or hard for you, a lot
of times kids will...
talk about what it is they'reworried about, whether it's
their meeting new friends,having a new teacher.
Sometimes the past challenges ofthe years before are coming back
and they're starting to feel alittle nervous about some
(19:27):
things.
And so I think it's really greatto be able to talk about this
with our kids, not just shut itdown.
Remember, this goes back to thatemotion coaching where you're
saying, okay, tell me more abouthow you're feeling about that.
And after you've done enoughlistening and validating, I
think it's a great idea tobrainstorm and problem solve,
how could we help you feel moreprepared for this?
(19:51):
Lots of ways to do this, butsome of the funnest ways are
kind of role-playing, knowingwhat to say when you meet a new
classmate.
I remember us in our familypracticing going to school the
first time and practicing whatam I going to say to the
teacher?
What would I say to the nurse ifI didn't feel good and I needed
(20:11):
to call home?
Or how do I ask help from myteacher?
Or even like one of my kids Iremember was worried that they
would have to go to the bathroomand they didn't know how to ask
the teacher if they could havepermission to go to the
bathroom.
They seem like silly things, butsometimes our kids are worrying
about stuff that they just don'thave the experience yet to know
how it's going to go.
Role-playing is such a great,fun thing to do with your kids.
(20:35):
And you can make it silly, youcan make it light and take turns
role-playing.
When you identify worries thatyour kids are having, I love to
play the what if game.
The goal of the what if game isto take our worries and turn
them into how we would solve theproblem.
So we could sit around the tableand say, what if I forgot my
(20:58):
lunch money?
What if you can't find thebathroom?
What if someone says somethingmean to you?
And then you as parents and yourother kids can start to
brainstorm that.
I don't think we need to kind ofcreate problems.
If you have kids that are superexcited about going, then you
maybe don't even need to playthe what if game.
(21:18):
But especially for your kidsthat feel a little bit nervous,
this is a great way to practice.
Remember, we always want kids tobe able to have that permission
to feel what they feel.
And our job is to let them knowthat they're safe enough to go
ahead and do the scary thinganyway.
So when we're playing the whatif game, we are preparing them.
(21:40):
Another strategy is to take alittle bit of time and this
might be part of your ritualwork, you know, where you're
bringing your family togetherand create a family mission for
the school year.
You can ask each person, what doyou want this school year to
feel like?
This year, our family ischoosing to be curious, kind,
(22:02):
and brave.
You can write it on a poster orhave the kids make artwork to
display.
This gets you thinking aboutwhere you want to go, how your
family wants to feel, and whatyou can do to keep it top of
mind and remind each other thatonce again, you have this really
safe place at home, which giveskids a little bit of courage to
(22:24):
go out and do the brave thing.
And I guess the last strategy Ihave is for us as parents.
You might be feeling the sadnessof letting go or the elation of
getting back into a normalschedule.
One thing I love to do is toreflect on the things I loved
most about the summer and seehow I could implement some of
those into the school year.
(22:45):
If I could prioritize maybethose moments of snuggling
before bed because I didn't feelso hurried to get everybody to
sleep because we had to wake upreally early.
Is there a way for me to hold alittle bit of that sweetness and
bring it into our school yearschedule.
Our Saturdays became reallyimportant for our adventure days
(23:05):
or our times where we restedfrom all of the things that we
had scheduled.
And this is another little bugI'll put in your ear.
Be prepared to pace yourselfthis school year, to not
overcommit and jump on thehighly scheduled train that
school sometimes turns into.
You know, transitions are oftenhard, not because something is
(23:28):
wrong, but because somethingchanges.
And change by its very naturestirs things up.
But it also creates space for usto grow, right?
For new discoveries.
And literally, this is how webuild our resilience.
So as you support your childrenin being that safe place,
listening with your whole heart,adjusting slowly and
(23:50):
intentionally, you're makingroom for all the feelings that
you and your children are havingaround the transition.
I want you to practice thesephrases because you might need
them in the coming months.
You're capable of handling hardthings.
I believe in you.
Mistakes are how we learn.
You do not have to be perfect.
(24:10):
I love you exactly as you are.
And we will figure this outtogether.
I carefully chose each one ofthose statements because I
deeply, deeply believe in them.
And I want you to also.
That's another way that you wrapthem in strength and you give
them the security and the safetythat they need to go out and do
(24:31):
all those big things that theyneed to do this school year.
And finally, here's something Iwant to say to you.
You're allowed to be thrilledschool is starting and
heartbroken at the same time.
You're allowed to feel thatlittle pain when you see their
backpack lined up by the door,especially if it just felt like
yesterday you were strappingthem into a car seat.
You're allowed to feel sad thatthe summer is over and that
(24:53):
maybe it didn't look exactly theway you hoped.
But can I remind you ofsomething?
You were there.
You've loved them.
Even on the messy days, evenwhen you were tired, even when
you forgot all the things likesunscreen or screen time limits.
You know, just being there, itis enough.
So as this new chapter beginswith this school year, you don't
(25:14):
have to be the most organized orupbeat version of yourself.
You just have to keep showing upwith that softness, with
intention, with the belief thatyour family can do things
together, even hard things.
Well, that is it for today.
Friends, if this episode washelpful for you in any way, I
would love for you to share itwith someone else who is walking
(25:36):
through the same transition.
Hopefully it'll be a little bitof support for you all as you
head into this school year.
I look forward to talking to youall next week.
Take good care.
You can always find me onInstagram at Lee Gurman or on my
website at leegurman.com.
(25:57):
Thanks again and take care.
Summer is almost over and it's time to transition
back to school.
And this can just bring out allthe emotions, can it, for both
parents and kids?
Today we're talking about how toease your children back into the
school routine with more calm,confidence, and connection.
This is Leadership Parenting,Episode 104.
Music Did you know thatresilience is the key to
(00:25):
confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman.
I'm a therapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore the skillsyou need to know to be confident
and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
(00:45):
This is Leadership Parentingwhere you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hello everybody and welcome backto our Leadership Parenting
Podcast.
I am really excited to be withyou guys today.
It is hard for me to imaginethat we are, at the time of this
(01:06):
recording, we are in July and weare getting close to the end of
summer, which is kind of odd tome because in my mind, summer
kind of goes through to the endof August and it used to be back
in the olden days that schooldidn't start until after Labor
Day.
And so you really did have threefull months of summer, June,
July, and August.
And now here we are in July andalready thinking about the end
(01:31):
of summer and the start ofschool.
And the families that I workwith, this is kind of a buzz.
This is kind of the thing that'son everybody's mind.
And I'm really fortunate that Iget to work with moms at all
stages of their life, right?
I have a small group of womenthat I work with that are empty
nesters and they are looking athow to navigate those challenges
(01:54):
in their life, not activelyraising children and all of the
things that come with that,right?
Having relationships with theiradult children, with their
grandchildren and then reallyjust stepping in to the
wholeness of who they are nowthat they have this time free to
focus on that.
So that's one group of peoplethat I take care of and work
with.
(02:14):
And then there's this wholeother group that are brand new
mamas and they're first timeparents.
They're going throughmatrescence, which is that
building out and understanding,taking on that role of
motherhood.
And that is such a unique time.
And I don't know that thosefolks are really thinking a lot
about school starting.
(02:35):
But then the majority of womenthat I work with are in between
with children that are schoolage, either toddlers about to go
into school or all the way up tohigh school and college age
kids.
And we and our family, this big,huge crew that I have, I've got
five kids and everybody'smarried and everybody's starting
(02:57):
to have children.
Some have three, four children.
And We've got two brand newkindergartners in our family
that are starting school thisyear.
So there's a super, super buzzof excitement in our family.
And it was really interestingbecause we have this really fun
family group text.
I don't know if you guys haveany of this.
It's kind of crazy.
(03:18):
It links us all together.
And in our family group text,one of our family members, my
son-in-law, set out a textquestion, a poll in our group
text, about how we feel aboutschool when it's starting
school.
And here were the options.
The first option, it was kind ofon a continuum.
(03:40):
The first option was I was notlooking forward to school at
all.
Anxiety crippled my soul becauseof that awful day.
That was one end of thecontinuum.
The middle choice was beingindifferent.
It was just another day in theneighborhood.
And the final choice, which wason the other end of the
continuum, was it was the bestday of the year, the
(04:00):
overwhelming excitement onlycoming second to Christmas
morning.
And then we all took this poll.
And it's really interestingbecause it caused me to start
thinking about what was myreaction to going to school?
What was my memory of that?
And as I thought through it, Ithought about all of you moms
that when you go to send yourkids to school, you know, it's
(04:23):
not just that you're sendingyour children and their stage of
readiness and there's certainexperiences.
It's also how you felt aboutschool, what that was like for
you.
So there's a lot that goes intothis.
And my answer Well, two of usactually in the family were down
on the other end where anxietywas kind of part of our school
experience.
And that was me.
(04:43):
I was one of those.
And then a large number of ourpeople were in the middle.
And then there was a group ofour family that were at 10.
It was the best day ever.
They just thought it was asclose to Christmas as possible.
So it's really had me thinkingas I'm working with the mothers
and the families in my busy,busy practice that we've got
(05:04):
this big transition thatfamilies are making from
summertime where we have ourkids home, where they're in more
in our, I don't know, do you saycontrol?
More in, we're in control oftheir time.
Let's say that.
We have more time with them.
And that comes with its own setof challenges, doesn't it?
It's a lot of time that we wantto get scheduled, have the kids
(05:24):
feel like they're active anddoing great things.
But it's also a time that wekind of get to take a break from
all the programming andscheduling.
I know that's not always thecase, but- in general, we're not
on the school timeline.
And I just think this time ofyear holds such a strange mix of
emotions.
There's anticipation for newbeginnings and a fresh start and
(05:48):
all the new people you're gonnameet and the new things you're
gonna do when school starts, butalso a little bit of loss and a
little bit of sadness that wedon't have that little cocoon
that we had over the summer thatwe get our kids all to
ourselves.
And I'm also hearing that Thislittle whisper of guilt.
Now we just did an episode onguilt, so hopefully you'll
understand what I mean.
That when I say guilt, I'mprobably talking more about
(06:10):
expectations that we had that wedidn't meet over the summer, not
necessarily that we didsomething wrong.
Go back and listen to episode103 to clarify that on guilt.
But I am hearing it.
It's coming in women's language.
Did we do enough this summer?
Did I make enough memories?
Did we use the time we hadreally well?
(06:31):
And I see moms grasping for thattime back.
Almost could we start overknowing that we're at the end of
the summer now?
What's missing that we wish wewould have done?
I also have moms that are prettyrelieved to send their kids back
to school because being home allday with kids is also
challenging.
And so sometimes there's guiltaround that.
(06:52):
I mean...
Isn't it so complex what we dealwith as moms?
I just sometimes think it's notfair how important the job is
that we have and how tender andsensitive and how deeply we feel
about things.
So let's just say that goingback to school, the transition,
just it has a lot of stuff thatgoes with it.
So if any of this resonates withyou, I want you to take a deep
(07:14):
breath.
Because I am hoping to bring yousome words of encouragement,
some practical steps that we canfollow to make this transition
more peaceful, more connected,maybe even a little bit more
meaningful for your family andhopefully just give you a space
to feel like you can think aboutit and realize that you're not
alone, that this is part ofraising kids, this ebb and flow
(07:35):
of schedules and transitions.
And I think it helps to just getprepared for it because, you
know, summer brings morefreedom, later nights, less
structure, more togetherness,and that is awesome.
But it also means that whenschool approaches, families have
to renegotiate almosteverything.
So even though it may seem likeit's a sentimental process,
there's also a logisticalprocess to it.
(07:56):
And I'd love to talk about thattoday because not only may we be
feeling this kind of up and downand this little bits of emotion,
our kids also can be feeling itas well.
They could be feeling sadness,nervousness, resistance, or even
just kind of a wild excitement.
I actually loved it when my kidswere super excited about school
because I was always so nervousabout going to school.
(08:18):
So to see kids go withoutanxiety, I think is such a
relief.
It's almost worth anything tome.
And I know with a lot of youmoms that have kids that get
really anxious, so painful forthem, so painful for us.
And we could do another episodeor maybe a series on that, on
how to help our kids who feel soanxious.
I think that that might bereally helpful, but it's just
(08:39):
unknown, right?
The school year is a new yearand friends are new and they've
never done third grade before orjunior in high school before or
whatever that stage is thatthey're moving up to can really
bring a bunch of emotions forour kids.
So all of these feelings arevery, very human.
You know, research into kids'emotional adjustment tells us
(09:03):
that these kinds of transitions,they're prime times for our
children to experience emotionaldysregulation.
Like lucky us, right?
Transitions bring dysregulationfor all of us.
Dr.
Bruce Perry's work ontrauma-informed care shows us
that any significant change,even positive ones, can activate
(09:25):
our stress response systems.
New things are different and cansometimes turn on that nervous
system and cause us to have athreat response.
But here's the encouraging news.
Transitions are also really keyopportunities for building
resilience.
And especially our goal asparents is to create safety and
(09:45):
predictability and emotionallyresponsive environments to hold
our kids, kind of give thatfoundation so that our children
can face the change so that theycan try the new things.
So it's kind of like being anice, sturdy dock and then our
kids can kind of jump off of it,swim around a little bit and
(10:07):
then come back to it.
So here are some practicalresearch-informed tools or
strategies that you can start touse today to help your kids deal
with transitions.
Strategy one, we need toacknowledge all the feelings,
theirs and ours.
Instead of trying to fix sadnessor rush into excitement about
(10:31):
school, let's just let it slowdown a little bit and let our
kids and ourselves sit with theemotions.
You're going to hear me say thisa lot because this is the core
of emotional regulation.
One of the reasons why we get sodysregulated is because we get a
wave of emotions that come andin the flurry of the emotions,
(10:53):
we often try to run from them orto tamp them down or kind of get
rid of them.
And the key is the opposite, toslow it down and feel the
emotions.
So here's some things that youcan say to your kids.
It's okay to be sad that summeris ending.
You're not alone.
I'm feeling it too.
(11:13):
We can hold on to both.
We can miss summer and be alittle bit excited about what's
ahead for the school year.
Your feelings make completesense.
I love that phrase.
Don't you love it if somebodysays that to you?
You say, oh, I'm just so sad.
And somebody goes, oh, thatmakes so much sense.
I just take a big breath asopposed to someone saying, don't
(11:35):
feel that way or you shouldn'tfeel that way.
There's something about thatacceptance of the feeling
without a question that really,really changes how you
experience the feeling.
So when we validate ourchildren's feelings, we're just
teaching them that emotions aresafe to feel.
Now, this approach is rooted inwhat we call emotion coaching.
(11:57):
We get most of our greatinformation about emotion
coaching from John Gottman, whois a leader in research in
marriage and familyrelationships.
And emotion coaching is aparenting approach that involves
recognizing and validating yourkids' emotions, even the hard
ones or the negative ones, andseeing them as opportunities for
connection and actually forteaching your kids.
(12:20):
It's about understanding theiremotional state and helping them
label their feelings and guidingthem to ways to cope with those
feelings, especially whenthey're hard.
So when we're validating ourkids' feelings, we're noticing
them.
We're letting our kids know thatwe see them.
That's the validation.
And then we're just kind ofslowing it down and letting them
have them.
And when we do that, we'reteaching them that emotions are
(12:42):
safe to feel.
And that is going to make thewhole transition much easier to
do, much less scary.
Okay, strategy number two.
One of the hard things aboutmaking transitions is that we go
from doing one thing to doing adifferent thing.
And that really happens when wego back to school.
(13:03):
And our bodies thrive onrhythms.
So abrupt changes to our bodilyrhythms, and that's gonna be
mostly with things like sleepingand eating, those abrupt changes
could really feel jarring justto our bodies.
So biologically, right,physiologically, and to our
nervous systems.
Because often with summer, we'vehad a slower, more gentle pace.
(13:25):
Lots of research on this too.
Circadian rhythm research showsus that gradual shifts to these
bodily functions like sleep andmeals, they're processed more
easily by our internal clocksthan sudden changes.
So let me say that again.
Gradual shifts are better thansudden changes.
So if you're like our house andwe tend to stay up late when
(13:47):
there's nothing that we have tobe at the next morning and kids
are up playing games or watchingmovies or doing whatever we do
because we don't have that hardstop because we don't have an
early morning the next morning.
Our family sometimes came, allof that fun kind of came to a
screeching halt when schoolstarted.
And I had years where I had muchbetter planning and then years
(14:09):
where we kind of just went fullthrottle in the summer kind of
mode until school started, youknow, like that next day.
And it was a harder transition.
Looking back, I could see howmuch more our kids had to
struggle with just getting backinto that routine.
And it's not just like, I don'twant to do it.
(14:30):
I don't want to go to bed earlyand get up early in the morning.
It's that their circadianrhythms in their body clocks,
we're not used to it.
So what you can do as a mom ingetting ready for this
transition back to school is tostart now making some gradual
shifts.
Start to move your bedtime andyour wake times earlier by a few
(14:53):
minutes every couple of days.
So in other words, let's startputting elements of the school
day back into our lives, evenbefore the school day starts.
Now, you may get some resistancefrom this because these are
precious last days of summer,but I think you can do some
things that aren't too painful.
If you have dinner during theschool year around the same time
(15:16):
every night, let's start doingthat now before school starts.
You can also move your bedtimesback a few minutes every couple
of days so that you're getting,instead of going to bed at nine
o'clock at night for yourlittles, maybe you're starting
at 8.45, then you move it backto 8.30.
You can even practice maybe evena week or two before school
(15:37):
starts, how you go about yourmorning routine and set a timer
and make it silly.
I've worked with a family whosemom was like brilliant at making
things fun.
And so she would do things likehide little notes or hide little
rewards.
I don't think it was like candy.
I think she said she just evengot like a little jar of cotton
(15:58):
balls and she would hide acotton ball in the area where...
her kids had to kind of do thenext thing on their list.
So there was a cotton ball bytheir backpack.
There was a cotton ball in theirshoes.
There was a cotton ball by theirtoothbrush.
And then they would show up withall of their cotton balls.
And it was kind of like a race.
I don't even think she gave thema reward for it.
(16:18):
It was all in the fun and thegame of finding the cotton
balls.
You know, for some of our kids,structure is really hard.
They resist it.
And also learning can be reallyhard.
So I think when we make anythingfun, like going into schedules
and helping kids find routinesand be in their routine and own
(16:39):
their routine, trying to makethat fun can really speak their
language and help themexperience in a way that they
can remember.
So if you put it to music or youput it in a game, they can start
to learn it, especially thelittler that they are.
Okay, another strategy.
Research is showing thatchildren with consistent
(17:00):
nurturing rituals feel moresecure and confident when they
enter school environments.
And I think it's because ritualscreate emotional safety and
belonging.
So I want you to think aboutwhat your end of summer or
beginning of school rituals looklike.
I love the idea of sittingaround and sharing your favorite
summer memory.
(17:20):
What did we do this summer thatyou really loved?
What would you like to do again?
How can we put that on ourschedule for next summer?
And when it comes to back toschool rituals, what's something
that you could do that your kidskind of feel your security and
your love?
Can you write a first day noteand tuck it into their lunchbox
or create a special hug or ahandshake for drop-offs?
(17:44):
Or even start a ritual whereevery night at dinner after a
school day, you talk about thehighlights or the challenges.
You know, sometimes we call itroses and thorns, right?
The positives and the negatives.
There are lots of rituals thatwe could do that really kind of
serve as that foundation andthat glue for our kids.
(18:04):
Because when you think aboutthem going into school, really
what's happening is they aregoing out in an independent way
away from us, away from thesecurity of their family.
And we want this.
So we're not trying to preventthat in any way, but we just
want that nice, secure ritual tofeel like a safe thing that they
(18:24):
can count on.
So be thinking about what youalready do and what rituals you
might institute that couldprovide this for your kids.
And if you want to learn alittle bit more about how to
create rituals that really wrapyour kids in love, we did a
whole episode on that.
It was episode number 63.
I think it's really worth alisten, especially as you're
(18:45):
looking at instituting newrituals in your family to help
your kids with thesetransitions.
Okay.
Here's an interesting strategythat I've seen some families
use.
We can work with our kids'confidence by preparing them for
the things that they're worriedabout.
So when you sit down with yourkiddos and you find out what are
(19:07):
the things that you're mostexcited about and what are the
things that are feeling a littlebit scary or hard for you, a lot
of times kids will...
talk about what it is they'reworried about, whether it's
their meeting new friends,having a new teacher.
Sometimes the past challenges ofthe years before are coming back
and they're starting to feel alittle nervous about some
(19:27):
things.
And so I think it's really greatto be able to talk about this
with our kids, not just shut itdown.
Remember, this goes back to thatemotion coaching where you're
saying, okay, tell me more abouthow you're feeling about that.
And after you've done enoughlistening and validating, I
think it's a great idea tobrainstorm and problem solve,
how could we help you feel moreprepared for this?
(19:51):
Lots of ways to do this, butsome of the funnest ways are
kind of role-playing, knowingwhat to say when you meet a new
classmate.
I remember us in our familypracticing going to school the
first time and practicing whatam I going to say to the
teacher?
What would I say to the nurse ifI didn't feel good and I needed
(20:11):
to call home?
Or how do I ask help from myteacher?
Or even like one of my kids Iremember was worried that they
would have to go to the bathroomand they didn't know how to ask
the teacher if they could havepermission to go to the
bathroom.
They seem like silly things, butsometimes our kids are worrying
about stuff that they just don'thave the experience yet to know
how it's going to go.
Role-playing is such a great,fun thing to do with your kids.
(20:35):
And you can make it silly, youcan make it light and take turns
role-playing.
When you identify worries thatyour kids are having, I love to
play the what if game.
The goal of the what if game isto take our worries and turn
them into how we would solve theproblem.
So we could sit around the tableand say, what if I forgot my
(20:58):
lunch money?
What if you can't find thebathroom?
What if someone says somethingmean to you?
And then you as parents and yourother kids can start to
brainstorm that.
I don't think we need to kind ofcreate problems.
If you have kids that are superexcited about going, then you
maybe don't even need to playthe what if game.
(21:18):
But especially for your kidsthat feel a little bit nervous,
this is a great way to practice.
Remember, we always want kids tobe able to have that permission
to feel what they feel.
And our job is to let them knowthat they're safe enough to go
ahead and do the scary thinganyway.
So when we're playing the whatif game, we are preparing them.
(21:40):
Another strategy is to take alittle bit of time and this
might be part of your ritualwork, you know, where you're
bringing your family togetherand create a family mission for
the school year.
You can ask each person, what doyou want this school year to
feel like?
This year, our family ischoosing to be curious, kind,
(22:02):
and brave.
You can write it on a poster orhave the kids make artwork to
display.
This gets you thinking aboutwhere you want to go, how your
family wants to feel, and whatyou can do to keep it top of
mind and remind each other thatonce again, you have this really
safe place at home, which giveskids a little bit of courage to
(22:24):
go out and do the brave thing.
And I guess the last strategy Ihave is for us as parents.
You might be feeling the sadnessof letting go or the elation of
getting back into a normalschedule.
One thing I love to do is toreflect on the things I loved
most about the summer and seehow I could implement some of
those into the school year.
(22:45):
If I could prioritize maybethose moments of snuggling
before bed because I didn't feelso hurried to get everybody to
sleep because we had to wake upreally early.
Is there a way for me to hold alittle bit of that sweetness and
bring it into our school yearschedule.
Our Saturdays became reallyimportant for our adventure days
(23:05):
or our times where we restedfrom all of the things that we
had scheduled.
And this is another little bugI'll put in your ear.
Be prepared to pace yourselfthis school year, to not
overcommit and jump on thehighly scheduled train that
school sometimes turns into.
You know, transitions are oftenhard, not because something is
(23:28):
wrong, but because somethingchanges.
And change by its very naturestirs things up.
But it also creates space for usto grow, right?
For new discoveries.
And literally, this is how webuild our resilience.
So as you support your childrenin being that safe place,
listening with your whole heart,adjusting slowly and
(23:50):
intentionally, you're makingroom for all the feelings that
you and your children are havingaround the transition.
I want you to practice thesephrases because you might need
them in the coming months.
You're capable of handling hardthings.
I believe in you.
Mistakes are how we learn.
You do not have to be perfect.
(24:10):
I love you exactly as you are.
And we will figure this outtogether.
I carefully chose each one ofthose statements because I
deeply, deeply believe in them.
And I want you to also.
That's another way that you wrapthem in strength and you give
them the security and the safetythat they need to go out and do
(24:31):
all those big things that theyneed to do this school year.
And finally, here's something Iwant to say to you.
You're allowed to be thrilledschool is starting and
heartbroken at the same time.
You're allowed to feel thatlittle pain when you see their
backpack lined up by the door,especially if it just felt like
yesterday you were strappingthem into a car seat.
You're allowed to feel sad thatthe summer is over and that
(24:53):
maybe it didn't look exactly theway you hoped.
But can I remind you ofsomething?
You were there.
You've loved them.
Even on the messy days, evenwhen you were tired, even when
you forgot all the things likesunscreen or screen time limits.
You know, just being there, itis enough.
So as this new chapter beginswith this school year, you don't
(25:14):
have to be the most organized orupbeat version of yourself.
You just have to keep showing upwith that softness, with
intention, with the belief thatyour family can do things
together, even hard things.
Well, that is it for today.
Friends, if this episode washelpful for you in any way, I
would love for you to share itwith someone else who is walking
(25:36):
through the same transition.
Hopefully it'll be a little bitof support for you all as you
head into this school year.
I look forward to talking to youall next week.
Take good care.
You can always find me onInstagram at Lee Gurman or on my
website at leegurman.com.
(25:57):
Thanks again and take care.
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