August 27, 2025 • 29 mins
Ever feel like happiness keeps slipping through your fingers as a mom? You're not broken – you're just chasing the wrong thing.
The happiness trap is all too familiar. You've orchestrated a smooth morning, everyone's fed and out the door on time, and for a brief moment, you feel that elusive sense of contentment. Then your phone buzzes – school nurse, fever, pickup needed – and just like that, your carefully orchestrated day crumbles. That fragile happiness dissolves instantly, leaving you wondering what you're doing wrong.
Here's the truth rarely discussed: happiness was never designed to be permanent. It's a weather pattern, not a constant climate. When we chase happiness as our primary goal in motherhood, we're essentially trying to control the weather – an exercise in futility that leaves us feeling like failures when the inevitable storms roll in.
What sustains us through motherhood isn't happiness but resilience – the ability to find profound meaning amid difficulty, to breathe underwater, to discover we can hold grief and gratitude simultaneously. Resilience recognizes that you're doing sacred work in unremarkable moments – shaping neural pathways in developing brains and creating relationship templates your children will use for life.
This episode introduces five practical ways to build genuine resilience: reframing your daily rhythm around energy rather than achievement, strategically creating moments of lightness, developing a meaning-making practice, building your support ecosystem, and practicing emotional granularity.
Remember, motherhood is a love project, not a happiness project. Real, transformative love is far more complex and resilient than happiness could ever be. Your children don't need you to be happy all the time – they need you to show up and love deeply, even when it's hard. That's the gift of resilience, and that's what makes motherhood not just bearable, but profound.
Subscribe now to continue exploring the skills that build confidence and joy for both you and your children.
If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:
https://leighgermann.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you've ever felt like happiness keeps slipping
through your fingers as a mom,you are not broken.
You're just chasing the wrongthing.
Today, we're diving into whyresilience, not happiness, is
what actually sustains usthrough the sacred, messy work
of motherhood.
This is Leadership Parenting,episode number 107, why Chasing
Happiness Keeps you Stuck andwhat to Do Instead.
(00:23):
Happiness keeps you stuck andwhat to do instead.
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Germann, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
(00:44):
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
(01:05):
We are back again for anotherepisode of our Leadership
Parenting Podcast.
Today, we're going to look atsomething that might challenge
what a lot of us have been toldabout what we should be feeling
as moms in all of the thingsthat we have to do in our
self-leadership.
This is at the core of that,and we're talking about
happiness, and I want you tolook at things in different
ways, in more empowered ways, inbroader ways, and I want you to
look at things in differentways, in more empowered ways, in
(01:26):
broader ways, and I want you toset aside some of the things
that all of us think me too,about happiness for the next few
minutes together, becausehere's what I've discovered
after years of working with somany women the pursuit of
happiness might actually be thething that is keeping us
unhappy, keeping us fromsomething that is far more
(01:50):
substantial, something thatdoesn't evaporate when our
teenagers have those reallydifficult times and they slam
their doors and our hearts arejust like squeezing.
And it doesn't disappear whenour toddlers are melting down in
Target.
And it doesn't vanish whenwe'relers are melting down in
target.
And it doesn't vanish whenwe're lying awake in the middle
of the night wondering if we'redoing everything we're supposed
to be doing.
(02:10):
And I'm talking aboutresilience.
And before you roll your eyesand think, ah, this is about
bouncing back and stayingpositive, you know it's more
than that.
True resilience is far morecomplex and, honestly, far more
beautiful than that.
It's about learning to breatheunderwater.
It's about finding our footingon shifting ground.
(02:33):
It's about discovering that wecan hold grief and gratitude at
the same time in the samemoment, and exhaustion and
purpose in the exact same day.
Today we're going to explorewhy the happiness paradigm fails
us so spectacularly and what wecan build instead that actually
(02:54):
sustains us through this brutaland yet sacred work of raising
children.
So let me paint you a picture.
It could be any morning in yourhouse where you managed to get
everyone fed and out the door ontime.
Miracle, right, minor miracle.
Every day.
We do it every day.
Maybe your kitchen isrelatively clean, maybe you
(03:14):
actually have a few minutesbefore you're going to that
activity or to work or towhatever your appointment is,
and for just a brief moment youthink this went well.
I've got this.
I'm actually feeling prettyhappy right now.
Then your phone buzzes and it'sthe school nurse and your
elementary school kiddo has afever.
Can you pick him up?
(03:35):
And just like that, yourcarefully orchestrated day
crumbles.
Happiness, that fragile,beautiful thing that we've been
nurturing so carefully, canquickly dissolve.
This is the happiness trap.
Happiness, that fragile,beautiful thing that we've been
nurturing so carefully, canquickly dissolve.
This is the happiness trap.
And that is just one tinyexample that may fit for you.
You may be completely out ofthat stage.
(03:56):
But I guarantee you you have adifferent version of the
happiness trap, because we alldo.
We all have a little bit of astory in our minds that
happiness is the gold standardof a life, well-lived and worth
living for.
That, if we can just organizebetter meal prep more
efficiently, find the rightbalance, practice more
gratitude, do some kind ofpractice, even some of the
(04:21):
things we practice heremeditation, calming, whatever
that is that we will achieve astate of sustained contentment
and happiness.
But here's what nobody tells usabout happiness.
It was not designed to bepermanent.
Happiness is a pattern, even aweather pattern, if you want to
call it that.
It's not a constant climate.
(04:43):
It's meant to come and go, torise and fall with
circumstances, very much likethe infinity circle that we have
talked about before.
When we chase happiness as ourprimary goal, we're essentially
trying to control the weather.
And oh, as mothers we live inthe most unpredictable weather
imaginable because we're raisingother little people who are
(05:06):
literally learning how to belittle people, big people, and
often through trial and failure,we're navigating those
relationships, our careers, ourown growth.
We're trying to do this in aparallel fashion where we're
continuing to grow and we'rehelping our children in their
trajectory, and the culturalnarrative tells us that if we
(05:29):
just do it right, if we'reorganized enough or patient
enough or present enough,happiness will be our reward.
But what happens when you doeverything right and you still
feel overwhelmed?
Does that happen to you?
It happens to me often, when welove our children fiercely and
we still feel all touched out bybedtime.
Right, we are talking so muchabout what to do for kids, what
(05:52):
they need.
They need all this stuff andsometimes you guys, we are done.
We're out of our extra giving,we're out of our ideas, we're
out of our creativity, we're outof our generosity.
What happens when you'regrateful for your life and
simultaneously exhausted by it?
I think what happens with thewomen I work with is they begin
(06:14):
to wonder what's wrong withthem, and this is where the
happiness myth becomesdangerous.
It turns our normal humancomplexity into personal
failures.
Well, I've been doing a lot ofthinking about this, especially
as I'm trying to communicatethis concept to women every day.
Recently, I was sitting acrossfrom a woman who is in the
(06:35):
deepest, darkest valley of herlife.
She had some really seriousproblems going on in her
relationships.
She had a teenager thatwouldn't speak to her.
She felt like she was failingat everything that mattered
most.
I think she had some healthproblems.
The pain radiating from her waspalpable and my heart ached for
what she was carrying.
(06:56):
I was not happy in that moment.
How could I be?
But something else was present,something deeper and more
stable than happiness, and itwas in my heart.
She wasn't feeling it yet, buthow can I walk into situations
like that on a daily basis,which I do?
I actually do every day.
When I'm in that situation Ican feel peace.
(07:18):
If I couldn't feel peace then Ihonestly wouldn't continue to
do this job.
That's called burnout and manytherapists and coaches and
people working to help othersthat are in those growth phases
they get burned out and that'sbecause if you don't anchor into
peace, it's very hard totolerate that kind of distress.
(07:39):
So I noticed in that time,especially as I was preparing
for this episode, I noticed thatI was still feeling peaceful,
and it wasn't because hersituation was peaceful, but it
was because I could see what shecouldn't see yet.
I knew with certainty, thecertainty that comes from
walking alongside hundreds andhundreds of women through their
hardest seasons.
I know that we will sit in thesame situation months from now
(08:04):
and she's going to tell me abouta breakthrough that seemed
impossible to her today.
She's going to have gainedskills she didn't know she
needed.
She's going to have gainedperspective that could only come
through this particulardifficulty and strengths that
she never knew she possessed.
I can see that in her futureand, knowing that, that absolute
trust in the rise that followsthe fall, that allows me to show
(08:28):
up to the most painful storieswith purpose and even joy, but
rarely happiness this is whatsustains me in my work.
Not the comfort of like easysessions, but the profound
meaning of bearing witness totransformation, even when
transformation looks likedevastation in its early stages.
(08:50):
Now that seems like a prettybleak picture.
I have the best job in theworld.
I work with the best people inthe world.
I work with women who arestriving for really important
big goals in their lives.
I feel a lot of peace andconfidence and hope about that,
(09:11):
because I believe in resilienceand this is exactly what
motherhood is asking of all ofus.
We show up to our children'shardest moments.
We show up for them when theytantrum.
We show up when they haveheartbreaks or failures or all
the fear that they experience,not because the moments feel
good to us, but because we canhold a vision that they can't
(09:32):
see yet.
We know that they're meltingdown as a toddler is not a
constant state for them.
They're just learning emotionalregulation.
We know that the teenager whohates us for setting boundaries
will thank us someday.
And you guys can I tell youthat is absolutely true.
I have five children, fivechildren that are like any other
(09:53):
child in your household, thathad a hard time with boundaries
at different times in theirraising, and each one of them
are now setting boundaries fortheir children.
They see it because your littlekids right now they can't see
it.
Your teenagers can't see it.
As parents, we know thestruggles our kids are facing
now are building the verymuscles they'll need for the
(10:15):
challenges ahead.
And if you don't know that allthe time, that's normal and
human.
But you need to know that youcan get to that.
That is a resilient lens thatyou look at your children's
experiences through and thathelps you stay calm and
confident and you pass that onto your child.
It's the best parenting tipthat I have to give parents is
(10:37):
that if you're not afraid, yourkids won't be afraid.
This is resilience and action,the ability to find profound
meaning and purpose in the midstof our difficulty, sustained by
a very long view of love andmeaning.
So in motherhood we need boththings.
We need moments of surface joyright, the times where we can
(11:01):
belly laugh with our kids, beingreally proud of them when they
show up and they mastersomething new or they've kind of
gotten a concept, and you're soproud of them, the pleasure of
having some quiet moments inyour home.
We also need access to a deeperpeace, because that's what
sustains us when all thatsurface stuff gets choppy.
(11:23):
And resilience is what teachesus to move fluidly between these
two depths right.
It allows us to dive deep whenwe need stability and rise to
the surface when joy isavailable.
It's what lets us say I'm nothappy right now, and that's
actually okay because I canstill find my footing here.
(11:44):
I remember a season when one ofmy kids was going through what
felt like the world's longestdevelopmental stage.
Sleep was erratic, emotionswere volcanic, every outing felt
like an extreme kind ofchallenge.
I was not happy, it was hard,but late at night, after
everyone was finally asleep, Iwould sit in my rocking chair
(12:05):
and feel this profound sense ofrightness.
I don't know how else toexplain it.
This is what I'm made for.
I get emotional thinking aboutit, because who else is going to
do this for this kid?
I get emotional thinking aboutit because who else is going to
do this for this kid?
This kid who is struggling withthe same struggles?
It's not just a week of it,it's not just a month of it.
We've been going at some ofthese struggles for a really
(12:26):
long time and no one else isgoing to do this for this kid
but me.
This is what I'm made for Notthe chaos, but loving through
the chaos.
Not the sleepless nights, butshowing up in spite of them, and
that is resilience.
That's a form of peace, and forme, that was.
(12:49):
My ability to find meaning inthe midst of difficulty helped
me be steady even when otherthings felt really rocky or
uncertain.
So I think our culture gets thisreally wrong about motherhood.
It mistakes visibility forvalue.
In other words, I think,especially our age.
(13:09):
Now we live in an Instagramworld that celebrates highlight
reels and perfection andorganization and like things
that look effortless, but thereal work of motherhood is
largely invisible.
You wipe the same counter 17times a day.
You have the same conversationabout homework for the 14th time
(13:31):
this month.
You negotiate between siblingswho are arguing about who
breathed their air.
You lie in bed with a child whocan't sleep over and over
again.
None of this looks likehappiness work.
It feels so ordinary andrepetitive and mind-numbing.
And yet this is the invisiblearchitecture of secure
(13:53):
attachment.
This is how trust in yourchild's brain gets built.
This is how they learn thosekids, that they can live in a
world where someone notices themand shows up consistently and
even makes room for their messymistakes and their big emotions.
And because it doesn't generatethe dopamine hit of obvious
(14:14):
achievement, we can dismiss itand we think I'm just surviving.
Today.
I didn't really do anythingthat important.
What did I get done?
And this is where the happinessparadigm fails us completely.
It has no framework forhonoring the profound importance
of ordinary presence.
I get so passionate about thisbecause resilience just sees it
(14:37):
differently.
Resilience recognizes thatyou're doing sacred work in
unremarkable moments, thatyou're shaping neural pathways
of developing brains, thatyou're creating a template that
they will use to navigaterelationships for the rest of
their lives.
No pressure here.
Right, we are modeling to themhow to make it in a world that
(15:01):
they have to navigate.
I want this perspective to shiftand change things for you.
Instead of measuring your dayby moments of happiness, I want
you to recognize the deepercurrents of meaning that are
running through even the mostmundane activities.
When you do this, you start tosee the repetitive work of
(15:21):
caring is actually therepetitive work of love, and
love is never wasted, even whenit feels invisible.
So here's something I want youto consider.
What if your unhappiness isn'ta problem to solve, but
information that you need toreceive?
Because I think we've beentaught to fear negative emotions
(15:43):
and see them as evidence thatsomething is wrong with us.
But what if unhappiness isactually your internal guidance
system working exactly as itshould?
What if it's your psyche's wayof saying hey, I need to pay
attention to something here,something needs my attention.
Think about the seasons when youfelt most depleted as a mother.
(16:03):
It might be now For me it isnot now I'm through the most
heavy depletion-orientedseasons, but I remember them
Without exception.
Those are the times when Ididn't have many of my own needs
met, when I was operating froma very empty cup, when I was
trying to be everything toeveryone and giving very little
(16:24):
to myself.
So in those times, unhappinessis not a character deficiency,
it was actually an alert systemfor me.
It was wisdom.
It was my internal alarm systemsaying this pace is
unsustainable.
This pattern of giving isdepleting your reserves.
You're signed up for too manyactivities.
(16:46):
You need some rest.
You're doing this alone.
You need to remember that youare more than just your role as
a caretaker.
What I'm saying is that we canhave two kinds of unhappiness.
We can have unhappiness that islike defining us in general
because we're focused on thewrong measurement.
We're saying that happinessshould mean everything goes well
(17:08):
all the time.
Well, that will be an epic failevery time.
And we can also haveunhappiness that that bubbles
up.
That is an indicator, it's analarm, an indicator light, and
that is your wisdom.
So I'm not telling you thatyou're not allowed to be
unhappy.
Please hear that.
(17:28):
What I'm telling you is we'vegot to really listen to these
messages and make sure that wemake sense of them with clarity
and not just fall into myths andtraps, because resilient
mothers that we are training tobe, we learn to listen to the
wisdom rather than judge itright.
(17:48):
We don't panic when happinessfeels elusive.
Instead, we get curious and wesay what is this feeling trying
to tell me, what do I need rightnow?
Where in my life am I out ofalignment?
Maybe with my values or mylimits right?
Maybe I'm over scheduled, overcommitted, or maybe in my
(18:09):
thinking, I'm evaluating myselfwith all the wrong metrics.
Unhappiness is something we wantto pay attention to, and
sometimes the answer ispractical, like you need more
sleep, you might need help withmanaging the household, you
might need time with friends whosee you more than someone's
(18:29):
mother.
Sometimes it's even deeper thanthat.
You might need to reconnectwith parts of yourself that have
been dormant, that you've setaside in your mothering, or
maybe that you never feltallowed to open up in the first
place.
Or maybe you need permission tostart aligning your days with
things that feel better to you.
(18:50):
I think this is emotionalintelligence in action.
This is resilience doing itswork, not by forcing positivity,
but by creating conditionswhere wellbeing that is
authentic can emerge.
So how do we actually go aboutdoing this?
How do we move from thehappiness kind of hamster wheel
(19:11):
to something more sustainableand deeper?
I'd like to give you fivepractices that help build
genuine resilience to do justthat.
First, let's reframe our dailyrhythm around our energy, not
our achievement.
Okay, think about that for aminute Energy, not achievement.
(19:32):
Instead of asking, did Iaccomplish everything on my
list, I want you to ask whatgave me energy today and what
drained it.
I want you to start payingattention to the activities you
do, or the relationships thatyou have, and the environments
that restore you versus thosethat deplete you.
This isn't about eliminatingall things that are draining
(19:54):
that's impossible in motherhoodbut it is about being
intentional, about incorporatingthe things that you feel
restore your energy.
So that's number one.
You have permission to do that.
By the way, did you know thatthere are some things that
you're going to kind of committo do that you don't ever really
love?
Get those done as quickly asyou possibly can.
(20:14):
Make sure you have enoughthings in your day that do honor
the energy building focus thatyou want to have.
Second practice the art ofstrategically going to the
surface to get a little break.
Okay, so think of it.
We're talking about going deepfor the meaning and the kind of
(20:36):
hard stuff that we have to dothat pay off for us later.
But then we're also talkingabout going to the surface,
where there's light and air andsunshine, and skimming for a
while, feeling good.
So, just like a deep sea diverneeds to come up for air.
You need regular moments oflightness and joy, but here's
(20:56):
the key I want you to make themstrategic, not accidental.
Maybe it's 10 minutes of musicthat makes you want to dance,
maybe it's texting a friend andhaving a little text thread
running back and forth becauseyou have such a connection, and
maybe they make you laugh.
Maybe it's stepping outside andfeeling the sun on your face.
(21:17):
I remember every day in thethick of parenting, when it was
the most difficult for me, whenall my kids were at home and
they were all in differentschools.
I had five kids in 10 years,and so by the time that I had a
kindergartner, I had a highschooler and I had a middle
schooler and I had elementaryschool kids, and so I was just
(21:38):
torn in all differentdirections.
Every day before kids came homeon the bus, I would sit on the
front step of my house and justsit in the sunshine for 10
minutes, doing nothing.
It was my reset, recharge timebefore I started my full day,
because you know, moms, whenyour kids come home at three or
three 30, you have a full dayahead of you.
(21:59):
Moms, when your kids come homeat three or three 30, you have a
full day ahead of you.
You're not at the end of yourday like most people in a work
day, and if you work outside thehome, then you're you've got
two full days happening afterthree o'clock.
So I think having a littlereset time, having a strategic
time that you come to thesurface and you get a little
lightness, is so important.
(22:20):
Okay, third, develop yourmeaning, making practice.
At the end of each day, I wantyou to think of three ways you
invested in what mattered mostthat day.
This is not a guilt exercise.
I don't want you to say, oh, Idid nothing today and then feel
guilty.
I want you to notice that Idon't care how rough of a day
(22:40):
you had.
I bet you, if I sat with you,we could find three things where
you did something that matteredto you.
This might be that you stayedcalm when your child had a
meltdown, showing her thatemotions are safe with you, or
that you had a difficultconversation with one of your
kids about boundaries, eventhough it was uncomfortable, or
that you said no to a commitmentso you could be more present or
(23:03):
have a little more time to takecare of yourself, or maybe that
you just chose to drink watertoday or you ate lunch for the
first time this week, becauseusually you skip it.
This practice is training yourbrain to recognize significance
in seemingly ordinary moments.
This is such a big key for usbecause our day is filled with
ordinary moments and we need tosee the significance in them.
(23:27):
Fourth, build your supportecosystem.
Intentionally.
I was having a conversationwith my daughters yesterday and
we were talking about how muchwomen need each other and I
think it's so helpful to findpeople who see you, who
understand your life, who canhold space for both your
struggles and your strength.
It might be a few closefriends, it might be a mother's
(23:50):
group or your family members whotruly get it.
The key is, hopefully,reciprocity relationships where
you can both give and receivesupport.
In our day today, without closefamily networks and close
neighborhoods, we do much of ourwork completely alone, and we
(24:11):
can change that.
This is why, hopefully, youknow I'm in your corner and I
may not actually know you orever have an opportunity to be
in the same room with you.
I would love that with everyone of you, but you know that
you are not alone, because I amsharing with you common things
that all these mothers that Imeet with also share.
(24:32):
That's why, when we meettogether as a group and we work
on these things, we multiply ourimpact and our growth, because
we don't do it alone.
Okay, fifth practice, what wecall emotional granularity.
It's a big word.
Instead of the broad categoriesof happy or unhappy, let's get
(24:57):
granular.
That means specific about whatyou're feeling.
I love the idea of holding twoconcepts in your hand at the
same time.
When we do this with kids, whenwe teach it with kids, I put
two rocks in their hand and Isay this rock is happy and this
rock is scared.
Do you ever find that you feelboth happy and scared at the
same time?
Or whatever it is that we'retalking about, I think we can
(25:20):
feel overwhelmed but proud,right, tired but satisfied,
frustrated but determined.
When we're able to get down intothe specifics about what we're
feeling, it helps us respond toour emotions more effectively
rather than getting swept awayby them, because if, once again,
(25:40):
that binary category right, allor nothing means always.
We end up in nothing becauseyou can't be in the always.
That's not how the universeworks.
So that's five things that canget you started Now.
You don't have to do all fivethings that can get you started
Now.
You don't have to do all five.
(26:01):
Maybe you pick one, one thingthat your wisdom spoke to you
when I mentioned it and if youneed to rewind, listen to those
five things again and before youplay it on replay, ask yourself
I'm going to listen to thesefive things.
Which of these five do I needright now?
Your wisdom, when you ask it,will tell you, and if you don't
(26:23):
think it happens, it's becauseyou're not used to asking and
listening.
The more you practice it, theeasier and more smoothly it will
happen.
These are practices that buildyour capacity for the long game
of motherhood, and that's whatwe are in the ability to find
meaning in difficulty and accesspeace and chaos and trust that
(26:44):
you can handle whatever comesnext.
Let me leave you with thisthought Motherhood is a love
project.
It's not a happiness project,and love real, transformative
love is far more complex andresilient than happiness could
ever be, because you're showingup in the middle of the night
with sick kids and going throughteenage years when your kids
(27:06):
seem to hate everything youstand for.
And love is helping you endurethrough your own mistakes
because, honestly, at everystage with every child, you've
never done it before right, evenif you've had teenagers before,
you haven't had that particularteenager before, and we go into
seasons of our own doubt andour own moments of feeling like
(27:27):
we have no idea what we'redoing.
So the most beautiful thing isthat love does not require
happiness, although I reallybelieve it creates joy as a
byproduct and love doesn'tdemand perfection, though it can
transform our imperfection andhelp us be stronger.
When happiness tells us that ifwe're not smiling, we're
(27:47):
failing, resilience will tellyou that sometimes the most
important work happens whenyou're not smiling, when you're
holding space for difficultemotions, when you're making
hard decisions, when you chooselove, even when love is very
expensive.
It costs you a lot.
So the best news is that ourkids don't need us to be happy
all the time.
(28:07):
They just need us to show upand love deeply, even when it's
so hard and complicated.
That's the gift of resilienceand that's what you're training
for.
So I want you to take a deepbreath and release yourself from
the tyranny of constanthappiness.
I love that phrase.
I hope you have a great weekthis week and find those moments
(28:27):
of peace and joy.
You're doing very sacred workin very ordinary moments.
I will talk to you all nextweek, take care moments.
I will talk to you all nextweek, take care.
You can always find me onInstagram at Leigh Germann, or
on my website atLeighGermann.com.
The Leadership ParentingPodcast is for general
(28:49):
information purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal, medical or therapeutic
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
(29:11):
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
If you've ever felt like happiness keeps slipping
through your fingers as a mom,you are not broken.
You're just chasing the wrongthing.
Today, we're diving into whyresilience, not happiness, is
what actually sustains usthrough the sacred, messy work
of motherhood.
This is Leadership Parenting,episode number 107, why Chasing
Happiness Keeps you Stuck andwhat to Do Instead.
(00:23):
Happiness keeps you stuck andwhat to do instead.
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Germann, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
(00:44):
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
(01:05):
We are back again for anotherepisode of our Leadership
Parenting Podcast.
Today, we're going to look atsomething that might challenge
what a lot of us have been toldabout what we should be feeling
as moms in all of the thingsthat we have to do in our
self-leadership.
This is at the core of that,and we're talking about
happiness, and I want you tolook at things in different
ways, in more empowered ways, inbroader ways, and I want you to
look at things in differentways, in more empowered ways, in
(01:26):
broader ways, and I want you toset aside some of the things
that all of us think me too,about happiness for the next few
minutes together, becausehere's what I've discovered
after years of working with somany women the pursuit of
happiness might actually be thething that is keeping us
unhappy, keeping us fromsomething that is far more
(01:50):
substantial, something thatdoesn't evaporate when our
teenagers have those reallydifficult times and they slam
their doors and our hearts arejust like squeezing.
And it doesn't disappear whenour toddlers are melting down in
Target.
And it doesn't vanish whenwe'relers are melting down in
target.
And it doesn't vanish whenwe're lying awake in the middle
of the night wondering if we'redoing everything we're supposed
to be doing.
(02:10):
And I'm talking aboutresilience.
And before you roll your eyesand think, ah, this is about
bouncing back and stayingpositive, you know it's more
than that.
True resilience is far morecomplex and, honestly, far more
beautiful than that.
It's about learning to breatheunderwater.
It's about finding our footingon shifting ground.
(02:33):
It's about discovering that wecan hold grief and gratitude at
the same time in the samemoment, and exhaustion and
purpose in the exact same day.
Today we're going to explorewhy the happiness paradigm fails
us so spectacularly and what wecan build instead that actually
(02:54):
sustains us through this brutaland yet sacred work of raising
children.
So let me paint you a picture.
It could be any morning in yourhouse where you managed to get
everyone fed and out the door ontime.
Miracle, right, minor miracle.
Every day.
We do it every day.
Maybe your kitchen isrelatively clean, maybe you
(03:14):
actually have a few minutesbefore you're going to that
activity or to work or towhatever your appointment is,
and for just a brief moment youthink this went well.
I've got this.
I'm actually feeling prettyhappy right now.
Then your phone buzzes and it'sthe school nurse and your
elementary school kiddo has afever.
Can you pick him up?
(03:35):
And just like that, yourcarefully orchestrated day
crumbles.
Happiness, that fragile,beautiful thing that we've been
nurturing so carefully, canquickly dissolve.
This is the happiness trap.
Happiness, that fragile,beautiful thing that we've been
nurturing so carefully, canquickly dissolve.
This is the happiness trap.
And that is just one tinyexample that may fit for you.
You may be completely out ofthat stage.
(03:56):
But I guarantee you you have adifferent version of the
happiness trap, because we alldo.
We all have a little bit of astory in our minds that
happiness is the gold standardof a life, well-lived and worth
living for.
That, if we can just organizebetter meal prep more
efficiently, find the rightbalance, practice more
gratitude, do some kind ofpractice, even some of the
(04:21):
things we practice heremeditation, calming, whatever
that is that we will achieve astate of sustained contentment
and happiness.
But here's what nobody tells usabout happiness.
It was not designed to bepermanent.
Happiness is a pattern, even aweather pattern, if you want to
call it that.
It's not a constant climate.
(04:43):
It's meant to come and go, torise and fall with
circumstances, very much likethe infinity circle that we have
talked about before.
When we chase happiness as ourprimary goal, we're essentially
trying to control the weather.
And oh, as mothers we live inthe most unpredictable weather
imaginable because we're raisingother little people who are
(05:06):
literally learning how to belittle people, big people, and
often through trial and failure,we're navigating those
relationships, our careers, ourown growth.
We're trying to do this in aparallel fashion where we're
continuing to grow and we'rehelping our children in their
trajectory, and the culturalnarrative tells us that if we
(05:29):
just do it right, if we'reorganized enough or patient
enough or present enough,happiness will be our reward.
But what happens when you doeverything right and you still
feel overwhelmed?
Does that happen to you?
It happens to me often, when welove our children fiercely and
we still feel all touched out bybedtime.
Right, we are talking so muchabout what to do for kids, what
(05:52):
they need.
They need all this stuff andsometimes you guys, we are done.
We're out of our extra giving,we're out of our ideas, we're
out of our creativity, we're outof our generosity.
What happens when you'regrateful for your life and
simultaneously exhausted by it?
I think what happens with thewomen I work with is they begin
(06:14):
to wonder what's wrong withthem, and this is where the
happiness myth becomesdangerous.
It turns our normal humancomplexity into personal
failures.
Well, I've been doing a lot ofthinking about this, especially
as I'm trying to communicatethis concept to women every day.
Recently, I was sitting acrossfrom a woman who is in the
(06:35):
deepest, darkest valley of herlife.
She had some really seriousproblems going on in her
relationships.
She had a teenager thatwouldn't speak to her.
She felt like she was failingat everything that mattered
most.
I think she had some healthproblems.
The pain radiating from her waspalpable and my heart ached for
what she was carrying.
(06:56):
I was not happy in that moment.
How could I be?
But something else was present,something deeper and more
stable than happiness, and itwas in my heart.
She wasn't feeling it yet, buthow can I walk into situations
like that on a daily basis,which I do?
I actually do every day.
When I'm in that situation Ican feel peace.
(07:18):
If I couldn't feel peace then Ihonestly wouldn't continue to
do this job.
That's called burnout and manytherapists and coaches and
people working to help othersthat are in those growth phases
they get burned out and that'sbecause if you don't anchor into
peace, it's very hard totolerate that kind of distress.
(07:39):
So I noticed in that time,especially as I was preparing
for this episode, I noticed thatI was still feeling peaceful,
and it wasn't because hersituation was peaceful, but it
was because I could see what shecouldn't see yet.
I knew with certainty, thecertainty that comes from
walking alongside hundreds andhundreds of women through their
hardest seasons.
I know that we will sit in thesame situation months from now
(08:04):
and she's going to tell me abouta breakthrough that seemed
impossible to her today.
She's going to have gainedskills she didn't know she
needed.
She's going to have gainedperspective that could only come
through this particulardifficulty and strengths that
she never knew she possessed.
I can see that in her futureand, knowing that, that absolute
trust in the rise that followsthe fall, that allows me to show
(08:28):
up to the most painful storieswith purpose and even joy, but
rarely happiness this is whatsustains me in my work.
Not the comfort of like easysessions, but the profound
meaning of bearing witness totransformation, even when
transformation looks likedevastation in its early stages.
(08:50):
Now that seems like a prettybleak picture.
I have the best job in theworld.
I work with the best people inthe world.
I work with women who arestriving for really important
big goals in their lives.
I feel a lot of peace andconfidence and hope about that,
(09:11):
because I believe in resilienceand this is exactly what
motherhood is asking of all ofus.
We show up to our children'shardest moments.
We show up for them when theytantrum.
We show up when they haveheartbreaks or failures or all
the fear that they experience,not because the moments feel
good to us, but because we canhold a vision that they can't
(09:32):
see yet.
We know that they're meltingdown as a toddler is not a
constant state for them.
They're just learning emotionalregulation.
We know that the teenager whohates us for setting boundaries
will thank us someday.
And you guys can I tell youthat is absolutely true.
I have five children, fivechildren that are like any other
(09:53):
child in your household, thathad a hard time with boundaries
at different times in theirraising, and each one of them
are now setting boundaries fortheir children.
They see it because your littlekids right now they can't see
it.
Your teenagers can't see it.
As parents, we know thestruggles our kids are facing
now are building the verymuscles they'll need for the
(10:15):
challenges ahead.
And if you don't know that allthe time, that's normal and
human.
But you need to know that youcan get to that.
That is a resilient lens thatyou look at your children's
experiences through and thathelps you stay calm and
confident and you pass that onto your child.
It's the best parenting tipthat I have to give parents is
(10:37):
that if you're not afraid, yourkids won't be afraid.
This is resilience and action,the ability to find profound
meaning and purpose in the midstof our difficulty, sustained by
a very long view of love andmeaning.
So in motherhood we need boththings.
We need moments of surface joyright, the times where we can
(11:01):
belly laugh with our kids, beingreally proud of them when they
show up and they mastersomething new or they've kind of
gotten a concept, and you're soproud of them, the pleasure of
having some quiet moments inyour home.
We also need access to a deeperpeace, because that's what
sustains us when all thatsurface stuff gets choppy.
(11:23):
And resilience is what teachesus to move fluidly between these
two depths right.
It allows us to dive deep whenwe need stability and rise to
the surface when joy isavailable.
It's what lets us say I'm nothappy right now, and that's
actually okay because I canstill find my footing here.
(11:44):
I remember a season when one ofmy kids was going through what
felt like the world's longestdevelopmental stage.
Sleep was erratic, emotionswere volcanic, every outing felt
like an extreme kind ofchallenge.
I was not happy, it was hard,but late at night, after
everyone was finally asleep, Iwould sit in my rocking chair
(12:05):
and feel this profound sense ofrightness.
I don't know how else toexplain it.
This is what I'm made for.
I get emotional thinking aboutit, because who else is going to
do this for this kid?
I get emotional thinking aboutit because who else is going to
do this for this kid?
This kid who is struggling withthe same struggles?
It's not just a week of it,it's not just a month of it.
We've been going at some ofthese struggles for a really
(12:26):
long time and no one else isgoing to do this for this kid
but me.
This is what I'm made for Notthe chaos, but loving through
the chaos.
Not the sleepless nights, butshowing up in spite of them, and
that is resilience.
That's a form of peace, and forme, that was.
(12:49):
My ability to find meaning inthe midst of difficulty helped
me be steady even when otherthings felt really rocky or
uncertain.
So I think our culture gets thisreally wrong about motherhood.
It mistakes visibility forvalue.
In other words, I think,especially our age.
(13:09):
Now we live in an Instagramworld that celebrates highlight
reels and perfection andorganization and like things
that look effortless, but thereal work of motherhood is
largely invisible.
You wipe the same counter 17times a day.
You have the same conversationabout homework for the 14th time
(13:31):
this month.
You negotiate between siblingswho are arguing about who
breathed their air.
You lie in bed with a child whocan't sleep over and over
again.
None of this looks likehappiness work.
It feels so ordinary andrepetitive and mind-numbing.
And yet this is the invisiblearchitecture of secure
(13:53):
attachment.
This is how trust in yourchild's brain gets built.
This is how they learn thosekids, that they can live in a
world where someone notices themand shows up consistently and
even makes room for their messymistakes and their big emotions.
And because it doesn't generatethe dopamine hit of obvious
(14:14):
achievement, we can dismiss itand we think I'm just surviving.
Today.
I didn't really do anythingthat important.
What did I get done?
And this is where the happinessparadigm fails us completely.
It has no framework forhonoring the profound importance
of ordinary presence.
I get so passionate about thisbecause resilience just sees it
(14:37):
differently.
Resilience recognizes thatyou're doing sacred work in
unremarkable moments, thatyou're shaping neural pathways
of developing brains, thatyou're creating a template that
they will use to navigaterelationships for the rest of
their lives.
No pressure here.
Right, we are modeling to themhow to make it in a world that
(15:01):
they have to navigate.
I want this perspective to shiftand change things for you.
Instead of measuring your dayby moments of happiness, I want
you to recognize the deepercurrents of meaning that are
running through even the mostmundane activities.
When you do this, you start tosee the repetitive work of
(15:21):
caring is actually therepetitive work of love, and
love is never wasted, even whenit feels invisible.
So here's something I want youto consider.
What if your unhappiness isn'ta problem to solve, but
information that you need toreceive?
Because I think we've beentaught to fear negative emotions
(15:43):
and see them as evidence thatsomething is wrong with us.
But what if unhappiness isactually your internal guidance
system working exactly as itshould?
What if it's your psyche's wayof saying hey, I need to pay
attention to something here,something needs my attention.
Think about the seasons when youfelt most depleted as a mother.
(16:03):
It might be now For me it isnot now I'm through the most
heavy depletion-orientedseasons, but I remember them
Without exception.
Those are the times when Ididn't have many of my own needs
met, when I was operating froma very empty cup, when I was
trying to be everything toeveryone and giving very little
(16:24):
to myself.
So in those times, unhappinessis not a character deficiency,
it was actually an alert systemfor me.
It was wisdom.
It was my internal alarm systemsaying this pace is
unsustainable.
This pattern of giving isdepleting your reserves.
You're signed up for too manyactivities.
(16:46):
You need some rest.
You're doing this alone.
You need to remember that youare more than just your role as
a caretaker.
What I'm saying is that we canhave two kinds of unhappiness.
We can have unhappiness that islike defining us in general
because we're focused on thewrong measurement.
We're saying that happinessshould mean everything goes well
(17:08):
all the time.
Well, that will be an epic failevery time.
And we can also haveunhappiness that that bubbles
up.
That is an indicator, it's analarm, an indicator light, and
that is your wisdom.
So I'm not telling you thatyou're not allowed to be
unhappy.
Please hear that.
(17:28):
What I'm telling you is we'vegot to really listen to these
messages and make sure that wemake sense of them with clarity
and not just fall into myths andtraps, because resilient
mothers that we are training tobe, we learn to listen to the
wisdom rather than judge itright.
(17:48):
We don't panic when happinessfeels elusive.
Instead, we get curious and wesay what is this feeling trying
to tell me, what do I need rightnow?
Where in my life am I out ofalignment?
Maybe with my values or mylimits right?
Maybe I'm over scheduled, overcommitted, or maybe in my
(18:09):
thinking, I'm evaluating myselfwith all the wrong metrics.
Unhappiness is something we wantto pay attention to, and
sometimes the answer ispractical, like you need more
sleep, you might need help withmanaging the household, you
might need time with friends whosee you more than someone's
(18:29):
mother.
Sometimes it's even deeper thanthat.
You might need to reconnectwith parts of yourself that have
been dormant, that you've setaside in your mothering, or
maybe that you never feltallowed to open up in the first
place.
Or maybe you need permission tostart aligning your days with
things that feel better to you.
(18:50):
I think this is emotionalintelligence in action.
This is resilience doing itswork, not by forcing positivity,
but by creating conditionswhere wellbeing that is
authentic can emerge.
So how do we actually go aboutdoing this?
How do we move from thehappiness kind of hamster wheel
(19:11):
to something more sustainableand deeper?
I'd like to give you fivepractices that help build
genuine resilience to do justthat.
First, let's reframe our dailyrhythm around our energy, not
our achievement.
Okay, think about that for aminute Energy, not achievement.
(19:32):
Instead of asking, did Iaccomplish everything on my
list, I want you to ask whatgave me energy today and what
drained it.
I want you to start payingattention to the activities you
do, or the relationships thatyou have, and the environments
that restore you versus thosethat deplete you.
This isn't about eliminatingall things that are draining
(19:54):
that's impossible in motherhoodbut it is about being
intentional, about incorporatingthe things that you feel
restore your energy.
So that's number one.
You have permission to do that.
By the way, did you know thatthere are some things that
you're going to kind of committo do that you don't ever really
love?
Get those done as quickly asyou possibly can.
(20:14):
Make sure you have enoughthings in your day that do honor
the energy building focus thatyou want to have.
Second practice the art ofstrategically going to the
surface to get a little break.
Okay, so think of it.
We're talking about going deepfor the meaning and the kind of
(20:36):
hard stuff that we have to dothat pay off for us later.
But then we're also talkingabout going to the surface,
where there's light and air andsunshine, and skimming for a
while, feeling good.
So, just like a deep sea diverneeds to come up for air.
You need regular moments oflightness and joy, but here's
(20:56):
the key I want you to make themstrategic, not accidental.
Maybe it's 10 minutes of musicthat makes you want to dance,
maybe it's texting a friend andhaving a little text thread
running back and forth becauseyou have such a connection, and
maybe they make you laugh.
Maybe it's stepping outside andfeeling the sun on your face.
(21:17):
I remember every day in thethick of parenting, when it was
the most difficult for me, whenall my kids were at home and
they were all in differentschools.
I had five kids in 10 years,and so by the time that I had a
kindergartner, I had a highschooler and I had a middle
schooler and I had elementaryschool kids, and so I was just
(21:38):
torn in all differentdirections.
Every day before kids came homeon the bus, I would sit on the
front step of my house and justsit in the sunshine for 10
minutes, doing nothing.
It was my reset, recharge timebefore I started my full day,
because you know, moms, whenyour kids come home at three or
three 30, you have a full dayahead of you.
(21:59):
Moms, when your kids come homeat three or three 30, you have a
full day ahead of you.
You're not at the end of yourday like most people in a work
day, and if you work outside thehome, then you're you've got
two full days happening afterthree o'clock.
So I think having a littlereset time, having a strategic
time that you come to thesurface and you get a little
lightness, is so important.
(22:20):
Okay, third, develop yourmeaning, making practice.
At the end of each day, I wantyou to think of three ways you
invested in what mattered mostthat day.
This is not a guilt exercise.
I don't want you to say, oh, Idid nothing today and then feel
guilty.
I want you to notice that Idon't care how rough of a day
(22:40):
you had.
I bet you, if I sat with you,we could find three things where
you did something that matteredto you.
This might be that you stayedcalm when your child had a
meltdown, showing her thatemotions are safe with you, or
that you had a difficultconversation with one of your
kids about boundaries, eventhough it was uncomfortable, or
that you said no to a commitmentso you could be more present or
(23:03):
have a little more time to takecare of yourself, or maybe that
you just chose to drink watertoday or you ate lunch for the
first time this week, becauseusually you skip it.
This practice is training yourbrain to recognize significance
in seemingly ordinary moments.
This is such a big key for usbecause our day is filled with
ordinary moments and we need tosee the significance in them.
(23:27):
Fourth, build your supportecosystem.
Intentionally.
I was having a conversationwith my daughters yesterday and
we were talking about how muchwomen need each other and I
think it's so helpful to findpeople who see you, who
understand your life, who canhold space for both your
struggles and your strength.
It might be a few closefriends, it might be a mother's
(23:50):
group or your family members whotruly get it.
The key is, hopefully,reciprocity relationships where
you can both give and receivesupport.
In our day today, without closefamily networks and close
neighborhoods, we do much of ourwork completely alone, and we
(24:11):
can change that.
This is why, hopefully, youknow I'm in your corner and I
may not actually know you orever have an opportunity to be
in the same room with you.
I would love that with everyone of you, but you know that
you are not alone, because I amsharing with you common things
that all these mothers that Imeet with also share.
(24:32):
That's why, when we meettogether as a group and we work
on these things, we multiply ourimpact and our growth, because
we don't do it alone.
Okay, fifth practice, what wecall emotional granularity.
It's a big word.
Instead of the broad categoriesof happy or unhappy, let's get
(24:57):
granular.
That means specific about whatyou're feeling.
I love the idea of holding twoconcepts in your hand at the
same time.
When we do this with kids, whenwe teach it with kids, I put
two rocks in their hand and Isay this rock is happy and this
rock is scared.
Do you ever find that you feelboth happy and scared at the
same time?
Or whatever it is that we'retalking about, I think we can
(25:20):
feel overwhelmed but proud,right, tired but satisfied,
frustrated but determined.
When we're able to get down intothe specifics about what we're
feeling, it helps us respond toour emotions more effectively
rather than getting swept awayby them, because if, once again,
(25:40):
that binary category right, allor nothing means always.
We end up in nothing becauseyou can't be in the always.
That's not how the universeworks.
So that's five things that canget you started Now.
You don't have to do all fivethings that can get you started
Now.
You don't have to do all five.
(26:01):
Maybe you pick one, one thingthat your wisdom spoke to you
when I mentioned it and if youneed to rewind, listen to those
five things again and before youplay it on replay, ask yourself
I'm going to listen to thesefive things.
Which of these five do I needright now?
Your wisdom, when you ask it,will tell you, and if you don't
(26:23):
think it happens, it's becauseyou're not used to asking and
listening.
The more you practice it, theeasier and more smoothly it will
happen.
These are practices that buildyour capacity for the long game
of motherhood, and that's whatwe are in the ability to find
meaning in difficulty and accesspeace and chaos and trust that
(26:44):
you can handle whatever comesnext.
Let me leave you with thisthought Motherhood is a love
project.
It's not a happiness project,and love real, transformative
love is far more complex andresilient than happiness could
ever be, because you're showingup in the middle of the night
with sick kids and going throughteenage years when your kids
(27:06):
seem to hate everything youstand for.
And love is helping you endurethrough your own mistakes
because, honestly, at everystage with every child, you've
never done it before right, evenif you've had teenagers before,
you haven't had that particularteenager before, and we go into
seasons of our own doubt andour own moments of feeling like
(27:27):
we have no idea what we'redoing.
So the most beautiful thing isthat love does not require
happiness, although I reallybelieve it creates joy as a
byproduct and love doesn'tdemand perfection, though it can
transform our imperfection andhelp us be stronger.
When happiness tells us that ifwe're not smiling, we're
(27:47):
failing, resilience will tellyou that sometimes the most
important work happens whenyou're not smiling, when you're
holding space for difficultemotions, when you're making
hard decisions, when you chooselove, even when love is very
expensive.
It costs you a lot.
So the best news is that ourkids don't need us to be happy
all the time.
(28:07):
They just need us to show upand love deeply, even when it's
so hard and complicated.
That's the gift of resilienceand that's what you're training
for.
So I want you to take a deepbreath and release yourself from
the tyranny of constanthappiness.
I love that phrase.
I hope you have a great weekthis week and find those moments
(28:27):
of peace and joy.
You're doing very sacred workin very ordinary moments.
I will talk to you all nextweek, take care moments.
I will talk to you all nextweek, take care.
You can always find me onInstagram at Leigh Germann, or
on my website atLeighGermann.com.
The Leadership ParentingPodcast is for general
(28:49):
information purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal, medical or therapeutic
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
(29:11):
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.