September 3, 2025 • 24 mins
In this episode of The Leadership Parenting Podcast, we’re talking about the most powerful shift you can make as a mom: choosing love over fear. You’ll learn how your nervous system toggles between threat mode and calm mode, why your body can’t tell the difference between real danger and everyday parenting stress, and how to use practical tools to reset your system in seconds. With real-life examples, stories from moms just like you, and two simple tools—the Safety Reset and the Love Question—you’ll discover how to bring grounded energy into your home. This isn’t about being perfectly in love with your life all the time. It’s about finding your way back to love again and again, and showing your kids what resilience really looks like.
If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:
https://leighgermann.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Today we're talking about the most powerful shift
you can make, choosing love overfear.
We'll look at why your nervoussystem toggles between threat
mode and calm mode, how yourbody can't tell the difference
between danger and everydaystress, and how you can reset
your system in seconds.
This is Leadership Parentinghow to shift from fear to love.
(00:21):
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
(00:41):
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hey, friends, and welcome backto our Leadership Parenting
podcast.
Today I just want to talk withyou a little bit about something
(01:04):
that's been on my mind a lot.
As I work with women, I findthat I am invited into the
deepest part of their thinkingand their dreams and their
worries, and what I'm finding isthat a lot of the time, we are
sitting in fear.
Now, I don't know if thatresonates with you, if you know
(01:28):
what I mean by fear.
I'm not talking about thathorrible fear that comes when we
watch a really scary movie or,even worse, when we're dealing
with something so scary in reallife that our bodies go into
that shocking fear state.
That certainly is a kind offear and it turns on our nervous
system and it's really meant toprotect us.
(01:49):
Fear is not necessarily a badthing when it's leading us to be
safer, but the kind of fear I'mtalking about is this low level
fears, like a sweater orsweatshirt that we put on every
day, just this low hum of worryor this feeling of being in
(02:11):
trouble or unsettled, and Idon't know that it's all the
time, but I sure know that whenwe're in it it has such an
effect on how we feel, how wethink and definitely what we do
an effect on how we feel, how wethink and definitely what we do
.
So I wanted to take a little bitof time to talk about a concept
that has really helped me whenit comes to dealing with fear,
(02:35):
and that is having twocategories that you can kind of
place yourself in.
One is that fear category andthe other something that
counters the fear.
So basically, I want theopposite of fear to be something
that we can reach for right,not just an absence of fear.
(02:56):
I want it to be like a trueopposite that has different
feelings to it, that makes usthink different thoughts and
that really encourages us to dodifferent things.
So, basically, inside of youright now is a built-in system
with two switches.
Your sympathetic nervous systemis that fight or flight or
(03:19):
freeze mode when you sensedanger, and that's meant to
protect you.
And then you have anothersystem, which is the
parasympathetic nervous system,and that's your calm and connect
mode and that lets you breatheand rest and digest all those
things that happen when you'renot in danger, and it really
(03:40):
kind of helps you feel safe.
Now here's what's wild aboutour nervous system it doesn't
know the difference between afire in your house and your
teenager rolling their eyes atyou.
It just knows threat or nothreat, safe or not safe, and I
think this is something that wereally underestimate that we
(04:02):
have within us such a sensitivenervous system that if it really
just does have two choices, itcan get very quickly flipped
into danger mode and that dangermode causes us to feel on edge
and I don't know if you've evernoticed that when you feel on
edge I don't know if you've evernoticed that when you feel on
(04:24):
edge, it's so hard to stay calm,to think clearly, like your
toddler might spill juice, andsuddenly you're snapping at
everyone, right, or you see atext from a teacher with a
little bit of a concern, and itcan feel like your whole day is
ruined and you think why didthat bother me so much?
Where is all the calm that Ikeep wishing for or even
(04:46):
training for?
If you've been working with meand I just really think we have
to normalize this, you're notbroken.
When that happens, you're notweak.
You're simply experiencing thisancient alarm system doing what
it was designed to do toprotect you, and the problem is
that it's protecting you fromthreats that really aren't that
threatening, that many timesaren't even happening.
(05:09):
They're in our imagination orthey're in our kind of
forecasting problems that mighthappen.
So if your nervous system isconstantly asking a question am
I safe or not safe?
Then it's going to answerprobably in a very binary way.
If you have anything that feelslike is off or that is worrying
(05:33):
you, it could really triggeryour not safe system.
Right, the sympathetic nervoussystem.
That's it Two modes, two waysof being in the world, and
here's the reframe that changedeverything for me.
I want you to think of it asliving from fear or love.
Fear mode kind of squeezeseverything tight.
Your shoulders creep up towardsyour ears.
(05:55):
You can see threats everywherein your kid's behavior, in your
partner's tone, in that lookfrom another mom.
You might be reacting fromsurvival, not from your wisdom.
Everything can feel urgent andoverwhelming, and I think this
is when we tend to beshort-tempered and parent from
(06:17):
that sense of control instead ofour bigger plan.
Our connection Now, theopposite of that isn't just
neutral.
The opposite of that I'm goingto call the love mode.
That's expansive, that's whereyou breathe easier and deeper,
you think clearer and you seeoptions instead of just problems
(06:38):
.
This is the part that lets usbe much more compassionate and
intentional instead of soreactive, and ultimately, we
live in a sense of trust andpeace, and I think this makes
our challenges feel moremanageable because we're not
meeting them with a sense offear or panic.
Now, I'm not talking about thattoxic positivity, right, it
(07:03):
doesn't mean that you'repretending everything is fine.
It means that you're meetingwhatever's happening from a
place of groundedness instead ofpanic, is happening from a
place of groundedness instead ofpanic.
So I had this thing happen to meearlier this week.
I woke up and I just kind offelt heavy.
I don't know if I had a baddream or if I was worried about
(07:25):
something, and it just wasn't atthe top of my mind.
All I know is that as I went onmy walk that morning I try to
go on a walk every morning and Iget up early and I don't worry
about what I look like.
I just put on some walkingshoes and I don't brush my hair
and I don't wear makeup.
So I kind of just sometimes Iput on a hat and I just go.
(07:46):
And this morning, when I waswalking, I just felt this
heaviness.
I felt a little bit of tensionand I don't know if you know
what that feels like.
It's just like a little weight,something kind of heavy on my
chest as I was walking.
I put my hand there on my chestand asked myself what am I
feeling right now?
(08:06):
And realized that as I wentthrough all of the list of
feelings is it happy?
No, sad, not really.
Is it angry?
No, it's kind of fear.
It wasn't some huge crisis, itwas just a low hum of fear.
For me, that fear comes up whenI am thinking a lot about my
(08:27):
family, if everybody's okayright, or if I'm evaluating
myself, if worried that I'm notdoing a good enough job.
I think all of us have timeswhen our nervous system shifts
on, and I don't think it'salways something that we're
aware of until you start tonotice little signs in your body
.
And that's what was happeningfor me, and my guess is that
(08:51):
this happens to you too, becauseI think we can get really
caught up in trying to figureout what's wrong, and when we've
got that little inkling ofsomething feeling heavy or a
little bit of an unsettlednessand I call that being in the
fear mode something reallyinteresting happens Our mind
(09:13):
starts to try to figure out whyour body feels that way, which
leads us often to more fearfulthoughts, and it can become this
cycle where we start scanningfor the thing that might be
wrong, because we notice thatour nervous system is turned on.
I like the idea of being ableto say I've got two choices I've
(09:34):
got fear and love.
Fear means that my nervoussystem is activated and I'm just
kind of worried about something, or I'm on edge, and love would
be that I feel peaceful andcalm.
Not toxic positivity, not toxicpositivity, just I'm okay.
(09:59):
So, as I was walking, I startedthinking about what it would
feel like if I felt calmer andmore peaceful.
Could I switch over into thatfeeling of love?
I made it an experiment and Istarted focusing on a little bit
more of what was around me.
I started to use my five senses.
Right, I could look at the sky,I could see the colors, I
(10:21):
listened to the birds the thingsI genuinely love about walking
I started to pay attention to,and then I started to shift my
mind over.
What are some things that aregoing on in my life that I
really appreciate right now.
Things about my family, aboutthe women I get to work with.
And as I turned my thoughts towhat was okay, what was safe in
(10:43):
my life, I noticed a shift in mylife.
I noticed a shift in my body.
I noticed that that fearstarted to soften and it felt
different.
You know, the same problemsthat I had to deal with.
They're still there.
All the tasks to-dos, all thosethings were still waiting for
me, but I wasn't.
(11:05):
When I got back home, I feltlighter, not because anything
radically changed, but because Iwas able to switch my whole
nervous system a little bit overinto that love zone.
Why am I talking to you aboutthat?
Because this awareness givesyou an opportunity to actively
(11:26):
do something, to step into thatpeaceful calm that truly all of
us deserve to feel, so much morethan we do.
Because when we aredisconnected from that, when
we're feeling on edge, when wejust have that feeling of fear I
think this is what they meanwhen they talk about stress is
(11:47):
so damaging to our bodies.
You know, stress isn't a badthing in and of itself.
Stress is what actually buildsour muscles.
Stress is what helps us learnnew things.
Stress in itself isn't awful.
It's how it turns on ournervous system and causes us to
feel like we're in trouble or tofeel afraid, and causes us to
(12:08):
feel like we're in trouble or tofeel afraid.
So when you're in that stressedmode, when you're in that fear
mode, everything looks different.
We talk about lenses.
We've talked about lenses injust recent episodes.
Your child's meltdown looks likedefiance or disrespect, or your
partner's different approach inhandling a problem might feel
like a criticism of yourapproach, or you might get stuck
(12:29):
in comparison mode right.
Other moms' strengths andtalents might seem like
comparing to like the worstthings that you do and can make
us feel inept or less than Likewe don't want to live in that
state.
It just squeezes down our joyin our life.
(12:51):
But when you're focused in thiskind of calm, loving state,
your nervous system knows you'resafe.
The exact same situations justlook completely different.
The meltdown is just yourlittle person having big
feelings that they don't knowhow to handle.
Right, it's not about you.
It's not a permanent situation.
(13:12):
Your partner's approach can bedifferent than yours.
It doesn't have to take you,don't have to take it personal.
Other moms can be, you know,friends that you celebrate with
instead of feeling like they'rejudging you or you're comparing
to them.
I just think our perspectivejust literally widens and we see
what we need instead ofshutting down and feeling like
(13:34):
we have to get defensive.
So opportunities instead ofdisasters.
A mom last week that I wasworking with told me that
bedtime with her four-year-oldevery night felt like this.
It felt like a battle, like shewas trying to get this little
guy to sleep and he didn't wantto go to sleep and she was so
(13:55):
desperate for sleep and timealone.
And every time she was goingtoward bedtime she realized she
was in kind of this place offear.
Her nervous system was ready,bracing to do battle.
Place of fear, her nervoussystem was ready, bracing to do
battle.
And so we talked about this,not so much all the details of
(14:15):
what she could do differently orwhat, but just to check in
before she walked in that roomto put her little guy to bed.
Could she just check in and sayam I in fear or in love right
now, and how could I switch overand feel calm and safe?
And how could I switch over andfeel calm and safe?
And as she did this, she took afew deep breaths and she
reminded herself that her littleboy was not her enemy and
(14:38):
bedtime was not her enemy, andshe just needed to help him feel
safe enough to go to sleep andshe needed to feel like it was
safe enough to have thesebedtimes.
And as she did this, shenoticed that things shifted a
little bit.
It's not that it was easier toput him to bed right away, but
she didn't feel so upset aboutit.
(15:00):
Now I know that this sounds soabstract, so let's see if we can
bring it down just a little bitwith a couple of ideas how to
actually physically, somaticallythat's what we call working
with your body somatically shiftfrom fear to love in a moment
when you're actually activated.
(15:20):
Here's your go-to tool.
It's just one of maybe a dozentools we have, so I want you to
just try this one and noticethat there may be some things.
I'm going to give you likethree steps.
One of these steps, if not allof them, should be able to help
you make a switch into feelingcalmer and therefore safer and
(15:41):
more in that love state.
So, step number one put yourhand on your chest.
If you want to, you can evenput one on your belly.
Now, this looks a littlestrange, I know.
When I was walking through theneighborhood I thought I'm the
lady walking through theneighborhood with my hand on my
chest and my belly.
I really don't care, but itlooks a little odd.
(16:03):
But if you can let that go,what you're doing when you put a
hand to your chest is literallycalming your nervous system.
We know that it activates thesame kind of neural pathways
that getting a hug activates,and this is something you can
just do for yourself.
It calms and soothes you.
That's step number one.
(16:24):
Nothing else but that.
Number two take one slow breathin through your nose and then
exhale through your mouth, andas you do that, let your
shoulders drop.
One time might not be enough.
Maybe you do it two or threetimes, but as you're doing that,
you're literally going in andturning down your sympathetic
(16:45):
nervous system.
That's one of those automaticprocesses you're breathing that
you actually have control over,and when your body is breathing
deeply and slowly, your nervoussystem has no other option but
to kind of drop the level ofalarm.
Number three try gently swayingor rocking side to side, just
(17:09):
like we instinctively do withour babies when they're upset,
and what that does is it calmsthe nervous system, and that's
why it calms our babies.
Step number four Now I want youto just have a statement that
you use right now.
In this moment, I am safe, evenif everything else feels
(17:29):
chaotic.
You can be calm and safe inyour own skin.
Sometimes what I do is I put myhand on my chest and I say
breathe in safety, breathe inlove.
Now, once again, I know itsounds woo, woo, but I'm telling
(17:50):
you you guys, when you try thisand it calms you down, you
don't care, right.
It works because you'respeaking your nervous systems
language.
You're speaking in breath work,you're speaking in movement and
you're changing the pathway inyour brain by signaling safety
with a statement that tells youI am safe Now.
(18:12):
Is this going to solve everyparenting challenge you have?
Is it going to make every worrygo away?
It won't, but it's not meant to.
It's going to change the energythat you bring to those things
and that will give you anopportunity to have everything
else change.
(18:33):
Here's another tool, and thisone is so simple you might want
to dismiss it, but please do notThroughout your day, especially
when you feel that familiaredge rising.
I want you to pause and askyourself am I in fear or am I in
love right now?
That's it.
I don't even want you to changeanything.
(18:53):
Just ask that question, becausehere's what happens the moment
you ask.
You've already created spacebetween you and whatever it is
that you're feeling.
You've moved from beinghijacked by your emotions to
having some conscious choiceabout them.
If you realize that you're infear, don't judge it, just ask
(19:16):
well, what would it feel like tobe in love right now?
Or what would love do here?
And sometimes love looks likesetting a boundary.
Sometimes it looks like gettinga drink of water or just taking
a break to breathe and calmyour system down.
Yesterday one of my kids calledme, very frustrated about
something going on with them,and my first instinct was to
(19:38):
jump into problem solving modebecause I hate it when my kids
are struggling and I don't wantthem to hurt.
But I caught myself and I askedam I in fear or love?
But I caught myself and I askedam I in fear or love?
And honestly, I was in fearbecause I could hear that little
edge of worry in their voiceand it triggered that inside of
(19:59):
me and I realized that I couldwork on that right in that
second.
So I took a deep breath and Ithought what would love look
like right now?
A deep breath and I thoughtwhat would love look like right
now?
And I could feel this kind ofrelaxing of my chest.
You know what love would do?
It would just listen, it wouldtrust that my child just needed
(20:22):
to talk about it and they didn'tneed to solve everything in
that moment.
So I just listened and you knowwhat, after about five minutes
of getting it all out, they saidthanks, mom, I just needed to
say that the problem maybewasn't completely gone, but what
my nervous system did was toget into a calm, safe mode, and
(20:45):
their nervous system moved backinto a safer, more loving place.
Let me tell you why this mattersbeyond just having more
peaceful days, though that'spretty great too.
When you learn to consciouslychoose love over fear.
Even just map yourself firstand figure out where you're at,
your brain's open to choosing toswitch over, and you are
(21:08):
literally rewiring pathways inyour brain new pathways, new
default responses.
But even more than that, you'remodeling that for your kids,
because they're watching usright.
They're absorbing not just whatwe say, but how we move through
the world.
When they see you pause andbreathe and choose love, they're
(21:29):
learning that they can do thattoo.
Breathe and choose love they'relearning that they can do that
too.
I don't want you to try to be aflawless mom None of us are that
but a grounded mom, a presentmom, someone who can get herself
to step over the line from fearinto safety and trust.
You have a choice.
(21:50):
In every moment you get tochoose, and the beautiful thing
is that when you change yourenergy, things around you shift.
Your family feels it, yourpartner feels it and your
friends kind of can feel it too,and we co-regulate with each
other because calm is alsocontagious.
We know fear is very contagious, but calm is actually way more
(22:15):
powerful than fear, just likelove is more powerful than fear.
And when you operate from loveinstead of fear, you kind of
give the message and invitationto everyone around you to do the
same.
This is what I have to practiceevery time I go in to meet with
someone, as I'm workingone-on-one with them and it
(22:35):
grounds me and it grounds them.
I'm still working on it.
I'm not perfect.
I still pop into that fear mode, but when you can catch it and
recognize there's something Ican do, it's amazing.
So here's your phrase for thisweek love or fear.
I want you to write itsomewhere where you see it Maybe
actually say love, I'm choosinglove over fear.
(22:57):
I can switch from fear to love.
Whatever works for you.
Make it your screensaver, right.
Write a little note.
Then practice asking yourselfthat question Am I in fear or am
I in love?
Right now, if you're listeningto this and thinking, I want
this, but I really need helpmaking it happen in my real life
(23:18):
, I have something that mighthelp For a short time.
I'm offering a few freecoaching calls to help you
practice this exact skill, whereyou can switch out of fear into
love.
We'll talk about your specifictriggers and I'll give you a few
tools to make this shift inreal time.
If you want one of those spots,head to leighgermancom, where
(23:41):
it says one-to-one coaching, andfill out that form and grab
your spot.
You don't need to be a mom wholives in fear mode.
You became a mom to lovefiercely.
You don't need to be a mom wholives in fear mode.
You became a mom to lovefiercely, to raise incredible
human beings, to be the safeplace they can always come home
to.
And that's exactly who you are.
Sometimes we just need toremind ourselves and our nervous
(24:03):
system of that.
All right, go choose love today, you guys.
I'll see y'all next week.
Take care.
You can always find me onInstagram at Lee German, or on
my website at LeeGermancom.
The Leadership ParentingPodcast is for general
information purposes only.
(24:24):
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal medical or therapeutic
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
your individual circumstances.
(24:45):
Thanks again and take care.
Today we're talking about the most powerful shift
you can make, choosing love overfear.
We'll look at why your nervoussystem toggles between threat
mode and calm mode, how yourbody can't tell the difference
between danger and everydaystress, and how you can reset
your system in seconds.
This is Leadership Parentinghow to shift from fear to love.
(00:21):
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
(00:41):
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hey, friends, and welcome backto our Leadership Parenting
podcast.
Today I just want to talk withyou a little bit about something
(01:04):
that's been on my mind a lot.
As I work with women, I findthat I am invited into the
deepest part of their thinkingand their dreams and their
worries, and what I'm finding isthat a lot of the time, we are
sitting in fear.
Now, I don't know if thatresonates with you, if you know
(01:28):
what I mean by fear.
I'm not talking about thathorrible fear that comes when we
watch a really scary movie or,even worse, when we're dealing
with something so scary in reallife that our bodies go into
that shocking fear state.
That certainly is a kind offear and it turns on our nervous
system and it's really meant toprotect us.
(01:49):
Fear is not necessarily a badthing when it's leading us to be
safer, but the kind of fear I'mtalking about is this low level
fears, like a sweater orsweatshirt that we put on every
day, just this low hum of worryor this feeling of being in
(02:11):
trouble or unsettled, and Idon't know that it's all the
time, but I sure know that whenwe're in it it has such an
effect on how we feel, how wethink and definitely what we do
an effect on how we feel, how wethink and definitely what we do
.
So I wanted to take a little bitof time to talk about a concept
that has really helped me whenit comes to dealing with fear,
(02:35):
and that is having twocategories that you can kind of
place yourself in.
One is that fear category andthe other something that
counters the fear.
So basically, I want theopposite of fear to be something
that we can reach for right,not just an absence of fear.
(02:56):
I want it to be like a trueopposite that has different
feelings to it, that makes usthink different thoughts and
that really encourages us to dodifferent things.
So, basically, inside of youright now is a built-in system
with two switches.
Your sympathetic nervous systemis that fight or flight or
(03:19):
freeze mode when you sensedanger, and that's meant to
protect you.
And then you have anothersystem, which is the
parasympathetic nervous system,and that's your calm and connect
mode and that lets you breatheand rest and digest all those
things that happen when you'renot in danger, and it really
(03:40):
kind of helps you feel safe.
Now here's what's wild aboutour nervous system it doesn't
know the difference between afire in your house and your
teenager rolling their eyes atyou.
It just knows threat or nothreat, safe or not safe, and I
think this is something that wereally underestimate that we
(04:02):
have within us such a sensitivenervous system that if it really
just does have two choices, itcan get very quickly flipped
into danger mode and that dangermode causes us to feel on edge
and I don't know if you've evernoticed that when you feel on
edge I don't know if you've evernoticed that when you feel on
(04:24):
edge, it's so hard to stay calm,to think clearly, like your
toddler might spill juice, andsuddenly you're snapping at
everyone, right, or you see atext from a teacher with a
little bit of a concern, and itcan feel like your whole day is
ruined and you think why didthat bother me so much?
Where is all the calm that Ikeep wishing for or even
(04:46):
training for?
If you've been working with meand I just really think we have
to normalize this, you're notbroken.
When that happens, you're notweak.
You're simply experiencing thisancient alarm system doing what
it was designed to do toprotect you, and the problem is
that it's protecting you fromthreats that really aren't that
threatening, that many timesaren't even happening.
(05:09):
They're in our imagination orthey're in our kind of
forecasting problems that mighthappen.
So if your nervous system isconstantly asking a question am
I safe or not safe?
Then it's going to answerprobably in a very binary way.
If you have anything that feelslike is off or that is worrying
(05:33):
you, it could really triggeryour not safe system.
Right, the sympathetic nervoussystem.
That's it Two modes, two waysof being in the world, and
here's the reframe that changedeverything for me.
I want you to think of it asliving from fear or love.
Fear mode kind of squeezeseverything tight.
Your shoulders creep up towardsyour ears.
(05:55):
You can see threats everywherein your kid's behavior, in your
partner's tone, in that lookfrom another mom.
You might be reacting fromsurvival, not from your wisdom.
Everything can feel urgent andoverwhelming, and I think this
is when we tend to beshort-tempered and parent from
(06:17):
that sense of control instead ofour bigger plan.
Our connection Now, theopposite of that isn't just
neutral.
The opposite of that I'm goingto call the love mode.
That's expansive, that's whereyou breathe easier and deeper,
you think clearer and you seeoptions instead of just problems
(06:38):
.
This is the part that lets usbe much more compassionate and
intentional instead of soreactive, and ultimately, we
live in a sense of trust andpeace, and I think this makes
our challenges feel moremanageable because we're not
meeting them with a sense offear or panic.
Now, I'm not talking about thattoxic positivity, right, it
(07:03):
doesn't mean that you'repretending everything is fine.
It means that you're meetingwhatever's happening from a
place of groundedness instead ofpanic, is happening from a
place of groundedness instead ofpanic.
So I had this thing happen to meearlier this week.
I woke up and I just kind offelt heavy.
I don't know if I had a baddream or if I was worried about
(07:25):
something, and it just wasn't atthe top of my mind.
All I know is that as I went onmy walk that morning I try to
go on a walk every morning and Iget up early and I don't worry
about what I look like.
I just put on some walkingshoes and I don't brush my hair
and I don't wear makeup.
So I kind of just sometimes Iput on a hat and I just go.
(07:46):
And this morning, when I waswalking, I just felt this
heaviness.
I felt a little bit of tensionand I don't know if you know
what that feels like.
It's just like a little weight,something kind of heavy on my
chest as I was walking.
I put my hand there on my chestand asked myself what am I
feeling right now?
(08:06):
And realized that as I wentthrough all of the list of
feelings is it happy?
No, sad, not really.
Is it angry?
No, it's kind of fear.
It wasn't some huge crisis, itwas just a low hum of fear.
For me, that fear comes up whenI am thinking a lot about my
(08:27):
family, if everybody's okayright, or if I'm evaluating
myself, if worried that I'm notdoing a good enough job.
I think all of us have timeswhen our nervous system shifts
on, and I don't think it'salways something that we're
aware of until you start tonotice little signs in your body
.
And that's what was happeningfor me, and my guess is that
(08:51):
this happens to you too, becauseI think we can get really
caught up in trying to figureout what's wrong, and when we've
got that little inkling ofsomething feeling heavy or a
little bit of an unsettlednessand I call that being in the
fear mode something reallyinteresting happens Our mind
(09:13):
starts to try to figure out whyour body feels that way, which
leads us often to more fearfulthoughts, and it can become this
cycle where we start scanningfor the thing that might be
wrong, because we notice thatour nervous system is turned on.
I like the idea of being ableto say I've got two choices I've
(09:34):
got fear and love.
Fear means that my nervoussystem is activated and I'm just
kind of worried about something, or I'm on edge, and love would
be that I feel peaceful andcalm.
Not toxic positivity, not toxicpositivity, just I'm okay.
(09:59):
So, as I was walking, I startedthinking about what it would
feel like if I felt calmer andmore peaceful.
Could I switch over into thatfeeling of love?
I made it an experiment and Istarted focusing on a little bit
more of what was around me.
I started to use my five senses.
Right, I could look at the sky,I could see the colors, I
(10:21):
listened to the birds the thingsI genuinely love about walking
I started to pay attention to,and then I started to shift my
mind over.
What are some things that aregoing on in my life that I
really appreciate right now.
Things about my family, aboutthe women I get to work with.
And as I turned my thoughts towhat was okay, what was safe in
(10:43):
my life, I noticed a shift in mylife.
I noticed a shift in my body.
I noticed that that fearstarted to soften and it felt
different.
You know, the same problemsthat I had to deal with.
They're still there.
All the tasks to-dos, all thosethings were still waiting for
me, but I wasn't.
(11:05):
When I got back home, I feltlighter, not because anything
radically changed, but because Iwas able to switch my whole
nervous system a little bit overinto that love zone.
Why am I talking to you aboutthat?
Because this awareness givesyou an opportunity to actively
(11:26):
do something, to step into thatpeaceful calm that truly all of
us deserve to feel, so much morethan we do.
Because when we aredisconnected from that, when
we're feeling on edge, when wejust have that feeling of fear I
think this is what they meanwhen they talk about stress is
(11:47):
so damaging to our bodies.
You know, stress isn't a badthing in and of itself.
Stress is what actually buildsour muscles.
Stress is what helps us learnnew things.
Stress in itself isn't awful.
It's how it turns on ournervous system and causes us to
feel like we're in trouble or tofeel afraid, and causes us to
(12:08):
feel like we're in trouble or tofeel afraid.
So when you're in that stressedmode, when you're in that fear
mode, everything looks different.
We talk about lenses.
We've talked about lenses injust recent episodes.
Your child's meltdown looks likedefiance or disrespect, or your
partner's different approach inhandling a problem might feel
like a criticism of yourapproach, or you might get stuck
(12:29):
in comparison mode right.
Other moms' strengths andtalents might seem like
comparing to like the worstthings that you do and can make
us feel inept or less than Likewe don't want to live in that
state.
It just squeezes down our joyin our life.
(12:51):
But when you're focused in thiskind of calm, loving state,
your nervous system knows you'resafe.
The exact same situations justlook completely different.
The meltdown is just yourlittle person having big
feelings that they don't knowhow to handle.
Right, it's not about you.
It's not a permanent situation.
(13:12):
Your partner's approach can bedifferent than yours.
It doesn't have to take you,don't have to take it personal.
Other moms can be, you know,friends that you celebrate with
instead of feeling like they'rejudging you or you're comparing
to them.
I just think our perspectivejust literally widens and we see
what we need instead ofshutting down and feeling like
(13:34):
we have to get defensive.
So opportunities instead ofdisasters.
A mom last week that I wasworking with told me that
bedtime with her four-year-oldevery night felt like this.
It felt like a battle, like shewas trying to get this little
guy to sleep and he didn't wantto go to sleep and she was so
(13:55):
desperate for sleep and timealone.
And every time she was goingtoward bedtime she realized she
was in kind of this place offear.
Her nervous system was ready,bracing to do battle.
Place of fear, her nervoussystem was ready, bracing to do
battle.
And so we talked about this,not so much all the details of
(14:15):
what she could do differently orwhat, but just to check in
before she walked in that roomto put her little guy to bed.
Could she just check in and sayam I in fear or in love right
now, and how could I switch overand feel calm and safe?
And how could I switch over andfeel calm and safe?
And as she did this, she took afew deep breaths and she
reminded herself that her littleboy was not her enemy and
(14:38):
bedtime was not her enemy, andshe just needed to help him feel
safe enough to go to sleep andshe needed to feel like it was
safe enough to have thesebedtimes.
And as she did this, shenoticed that things shifted a
little bit.
It's not that it was easier toput him to bed right away, but
she didn't feel so upset aboutit.
(15:00):
Now I know that this sounds soabstract, so let's see if we can
bring it down just a little bitwith a couple of ideas how to
actually physically, somaticallythat's what we call working
with your body somatically shiftfrom fear to love in a moment
when you're actually activated.
(15:20):
Here's your go-to tool.
It's just one of maybe a dozentools we have, so I want you to
just try this one and noticethat there may be some things.
I'm going to give you likethree steps.
One of these steps, if not allof them, should be able to help
you make a switch into feelingcalmer and therefore safer and
(15:41):
more in that love state.
So, step number one put yourhand on your chest.
If you want to, you can evenput one on your belly.
Now, this looks a littlestrange, I know.
When I was walking through theneighborhood I thought I'm the
lady walking through theneighborhood with my hand on my
chest and my belly.
I really don't care, but itlooks a little odd.
(16:03):
But if you can let that go,what you're doing when you put a
hand to your chest is literallycalming your nervous system.
We know that it activates thesame kind of neural pathways
that getting a hug activates,and this is something you can
just do for yourself.
It calms and soothes you.
That's step number one.
(16:24):
Nothing else but that.
Number two take one slow breathin through your nose and then
exhale through your mouth, andas you do that, let your
shoulders drop.
One time might not be enough.
Maybe you do it two or threetimes, but as you're doing that,
you're literally going in andturning down your sympathetic
(16:45):
nervous system.
That's one of those automaticprocesses you're breathing that
you actually have control over,and when your body is breathing
deeply and slowly, your nervoussystem has no other option but
to kind of drop the level ofalarm.
Number three try gently swayingor rocking side to side, just
(17:09):
like we instinctively do withour babies when they're upset,
and what that does is it calmsthe nervous system, and that's
why it calms our babies.
Step number four Now I want youto just have a statement that
you use right now.
In this moment, I am safe, evenif everything else feels
(17:29):
chaotic.
You can be calm and safe inyour own skin.
Sometimes what I do is I put myhand on my chest and I say
breathe in safety, breathe inlove.
Now, once again, I know itsounds woo, woo, but I'm telling
(17:50):
you you guys, when you try thisand it calms you down, you
don't care, right.
It works because you'respeaking your nervous systems
language.
You're speaking in breath work,you're speaking in movement and
you're changing the pathway inyour brain by signaling safety
with a statement that tells youI am safe Now.
(18:12):
Is this going to solve everyparenting challenge you have?
Is it going to make every worrygo away?
It won't, but it's not meant to.
It's going to change the energythat you bring to those things
and that will give you anopportunity to have everything
else change.
(18:33):
Here's another tool, and thisone is so simple you might want
to dismiss it, but please do notThroughout your day, especially
when you feel that familiaredge rising.
I want you to pause and askyourself am I in fear or am I in
love right now?
That's it.
I don't even want you to changeanything.
(18:53):
Just ask that question, becausehere's what happens the moment
you ask.
You've already created spacebetween you and whatever it is
that you're feeling.
You've moved from beinghijacked by your emotions to
having some conscious choiceabout them.
If you realize that you're infear, don't judge it, just ask
(19:16):
well, what would it feel like tobe in love right now?
Or what would love do here?
And sometimes love looks likesetting a boundary.
Sometimes it looks like gettinga drink of water or just taking
a break to breathe and calmyour system down.
Yesterday one of my kids calledme, very frustrated about
something going on with them,and my first instinct was to
(19:38):
jump into problem solving modebecause I hate it when my kids
are struggling and I don't wantthem to hurt.
But I caught myself and I askedam I in fear or love?
But I caught myself and I askedam I in fear or love?
And honestly, I was in fearbecause I could hear that little
edge of worry in their voiceand it triggered that inside of
(19:59):
me and I realized that I couldwork on that right in that
second.
So I took a deep breath and Ithought what would love look
like right now?
A deep breath and I thoughtwhat would love look like right
now?
And I could feel this kind ofrelaxing of my chest.
You know what love would do?
It would just listen, it wouldtrust that my child just needed
(20:22):
to talk about it and they didn'tneed to solve everything in
that moment.
So I just listened and you knowwhat, after about five minutes
of getting it all out, they saidthanks, mom, I just needed to
say that the problem maybewasn't completely gone, but what
my nervous system did was toget into a calm, safe mode, and
(20:45):
their nervous system moved backinto a safer, more loving place.
Let me tell you why this mattersbeyond just having more
peaceful days, though that'spretty great too.
When you learn to consciouslychoose love over fear.
Even just map yourself firstand figure out where you're at,
your brain's open to choosing toswitch over, and you are
(21:08):
literally rewiring pathways inyour brain new pathways, new
default responses.
But even more than that, you'remodeling that for your kids,
because they're watching usright.
They're absorbing not just whatwe say, but how we move through
the world.
When they see you pause andbreathe and choose love, they're
(21:29):
learning that they can do thattoo.
Breathe and choose love they'relearning that they can do that
too.
I don't want you to try to be aflawless mom None of us are that
but a grounded mom, a presentmom, someone who can get herself
to step over the line from fearinto safety and trust.
You have a choice.
(21:50):
In every moment you get tochoose, and the beautiful thing
is that when you change yourenergy, things around you shift.
Your family feels it, yourpartner feels it and your
friends kind of can feel it too,and we co-regulate with each
other because calm is alsocontagious.
We know fear is very contagious, but calm is actually way more
(22:15):
powerful than fear, just likelove is more powerful than fear.
And when you operate from loveinstead of fear, you kind of
give the message and invitationto everyone around you to do the
same.
This is what I have to practiceevery time I go in to meet with
someone, as I'm workingone-on-one with them and it
(22:35):
grounds me and it grounds them.
I'm still working on it.
I'm not perfect.
I still pop into that fear mode, but when you can catch it and
recognize there's something Ican do, it's amazing.
So here's your phrase for thisweek love or fear.
I want you to write itsomewhere where you see it Maybe
actually say love, I'm choosinglove over fear.
(22:57):
I can switch from fear to love.
Whatever works for you.
Make it your screensaver, right.
Write a little note.
Then practice asking yourselfthat question Am I in fear or am
I in love?
Right now, if you're listeningto this and thinking, I want
this, but I really need helpmaking it happen in my real life
(23:18):
, I have something that mighthelp For a short time.
I'm offering a few freecoaching calls to help you
practice this exact skill, whereyou can switch out of fear into
love.
We'll talk about your specifictriggers and I'll give you a few
tools to make this shift inreal time.
If you want one of those spots,head to leighgermancom, where
(23:41):
it says one-to-one coaching, andfill out that form and grab
your spot.
You don't need to be a mom wholives in fear mode.
You became a mom to lovefiercely.
You don't need to be a mom wholives in fear mode.
You became a mom to lovefiercely, to raise incredible
human beings, to be the safeplace they can always come home
to.
And that's exactly who you are.
Sometimes we just need toremind ourselves and our nervous
(24:03):
system of that.
All right, go choose love today, you guys.
I'll see y'all next week.
Take care.
You can always find me onInstagram at Lee German, or on
my website at LeeGermancom.
The Leadership ParentingPodcast is for general
information purposes only.
(24:24):
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal medical or therapeutic
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
your individual circumstances.
(24:45):
Thanks again and take care.
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