September 10, 2025 • 27 mins
Navigating life's hardships comes with the added challenge of deciding what to share with others. Whether you're facing job loss, health concerns, or family difficulties, questions from others can feel intrusive and overwhelming. In this episode, I introduce a powerful framework called The Four Levels of Response, designed to help you know exactly what to say—and what not to say—depending on who’s asking.
At the heart of this episode is a powerful four-layer framework that puts you back in control of your narrative. You'll discover how to create different levels of response for various people in your life—from your innermost circle to casual acquaintances. This isn't about being secretive or deceptive; it's about being intentional with your truth and protecting your emotional energy. This episode offers a transformative approach to handling these sensitive conversations with confidence and grace.
If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:
https://leighgermann.com
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
When something private happens a job loss, a
health diagnosis, maybesomething going on in your kid's
life we often feel pressured toexplain ourselves.
In this episode, I'll show youhow to protect your peace and
your control by handlingquestions with confidence, using
a simple four-layer framework.
This is Leadership Parentingwhat to say when you're going
(00:21):
through a hard time.
What to say when you're goingthrough a hard time?
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
(00:43):
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hi friends, so happy to be withyou guys again today.
You know there was somethingthat I've been thinking about a
(01:03):
lot lately how, as moms, we'reconstantly navigating this
balance between being authenticand truthful and also protecting
our privacy and our peace.
I've had a couple ofexperiences this past month with
some women that are goingthrough some really hard things,
and this has been one of thethings that we've spent time
talking about how do I handle,how I explain to people some of
(01:26):
the hard things?
Here's one particular kind ofsummary of a question.
A mom came to me and she saidsomething very private happened
in my family and I feel reallyembarrassed for people to know
about it.
I definitely do not want toshare with everyone.
I don't want to feel judged.
Not want to share with everyone.
(01:48):
I don't want to feel judged.
How do I relate the appropriateamount of information without
making other people feel bad orleft out?
I'm really stuck.
So my first response this justhits me right in the heart
because it's such a real andtender place to be, and I think
everyone knows what it feelslike to be in this situation
(02:11):
when things are happening thatwe can't always control.
Sometimes it's our spouse losesa job, or we lose a job, we are
having health challenges, orsomeone in our family is maybe
your teenager makes a mistakethat affects the whole family,
or you might be making adecision for your family or your
child or you that others don'tunderstand, and it can cause us
to feel a little bit exposedwhen we think about sharing
(02:34):
information.
It could be hard to know how todo that, like we're really
vulnerable.
We have to figure out what todo and then we have to figure
out what we're going to say andhow we're going to share it with
others when people askquestions and they will ask
questions, right, because peoplegenerally care about us and
they are often curious andinterested and when we get
(02:57):
questions, I think it's verynormal for our heart to kind of
race and our mind gets scrambledup and wonder what do I even
say?
How much is too muchinformation?
How little makes me seemstandoffish or closed off to
them.
We've all been there thatfeeling of being caught off
guard or stumbling over ourwords and then replaying the
conversation for hoursafterwards wishing we had
(03:19):
handled it differently.
Well, that's what I'd like totalk about today how to get
clear on what it is you thinkand how you can control your
narrative with confidence.
And a narrative just means howyou narrate what's going on in
your life, right, it's not thatyou're making something up, it's
how you convey the informationwith confidence, and I want you
(03:42):
to know that by the end of thisepisode, I'm going to have given
you some practical tools that Ithink will help you walk into
any conversation feelingprepared and, hopefully, more
confident and peaceful.
And before we get into thehow-to, I just want you to
understand why this skill is so,so crucial for us.
First, not just for moms, but asfor all people and I've used
(04:05):
this formula that I've I'vedeveloped with people of all
ages that have a difficultycommunicating to the world
around them the things that aregoing on in their lives.
So the reason why I want you tounderstand that this is crucial
is because when we're caughtoff guard and fumbling for words
, we often end up eitheroversharing, telling people more
(04:28):
than we intended because we'renervous or, I don't know, maybe
sometimes we just want support,or we don't know how to not do
it.
We either overshare or we shutdown completely, and that can
seem really kind of cold orunfeeling or just, you know,
like not part of our community,and I think the bottom line is
(04:49):
neither of these things servesus very well.
Secondly, as mothers, we'remodeling for our children how to
handle difficult conversations,because they are going to have
them too.
They already do have them, andwhen we can navigate these
moments with more confidence andmore grace, we're going to show
our kids that it's possible tobe both honest and hold
(05:11):
boundaries.
And third, and I think this isreally important when we control
our narrative, we protect ourmental and emotional energy.
Instead of spending hoursafterwards wondering what people
will think or feeling exposedand raw, we can move forward
knowing we handled the situationas per plan, exactly as we
(05:32):
wanted to.
So what does that mean tocontrol your narrative?
I want you to think of it likethis Imagine you had your own
personal PR team and big figuresin entertainment and government
and public life.
They have PR teams that sitaround a table and craft what
they're going to tell the public.
(05:54):
Now, if you had your own PRteam, their job would be to help
you get really clear on whatyou actually believe about your
situation, and then they wouldhelp you create different
versions of your situation oryour story for different
audiences, and they would equipyou with words to say that you
(06:16):
could say with calmness, notpanic.
And then they would help youredirect the conversation when
the people you're talking towant to go places that you don't
want them to go, and that's theboundary part.
So, when you know your layersof response ahead of time, you
walk into conversations feelingcalm and prepared instead of
(06:37):
anxious and cornered, and what Ifind is that if we don't have a
plan, if we don't feel prepared, a lot of times what I see is
that people withdraw and youmight notice this in yourself or
in other people that you lovewhen you or someone else is
going through a really hard timebecause we don't know quite how
to explain things or even letsome people in and keep some
(07:01):
people out Because we don't knowhow to do that.
We often default to letting noone in and going nowhere and not
coming out of our houses andnot talking to people and
ultimately not getting the kindof love and support that we
really need to have.
Because that's what gets usthrough these hard things, you
guys, is having the right peoplein our lives with us, helping
(07:24):
us and supporting us.
You want to be that rightperson for someone.
You're not going to be thatright person for everyone, but
you want to be that right personfor someone that they can call
and they can give you the fullyunvarnished version of
whatever's going on in theirlife and they know you're safe
enough to hold that and helpthem and walk with them in that
If you as the person that'sgoing through the hard time
(07:47):
doesn't know how to tell thedifference between who is safe
and who's not safe, and who youwant to share with and who you
don't want to share with, andhow to kind of manage that, then
it's very, very common that wejust don't share it with anyone,
and that's not good for us.
Now I know some of you might bethinking or at least I've had
this pushback before but isn'tthis being fake or manipulative
(08:10):
If you have a PR team tellingyou what you should say and I
hear you but here's the thingthis is not about lying or being
deceptive or telling a falsestory.
This is about being intentionalwith your truth.
You get to decide how much ofyour story to share and when to
share it and with whom.
That's not manipulation, thatis wisdom.
(08:30):
So I want to walk you throughthe four layers and I want to
give you some real examples thatI know many of you may be able
to relate to, either foryourself or for somebody that
you know.
So the very first level is yourprivate clarity.
This is the deepest level.
This is the story that you tellyourself.
(08:52):
This is where you get to decidewhat this means about you,
whatever's happening right, yourfamily, your future.
This is where you choose to beat peace instead of panicking,
and this might take a while,because you need to be able to
sort through the details andlisten to the thoughts and the
(09:12):
messages that you have in yourmind.
And what we want to do isanchor in truth instead of
getting swept up into that shameor fear, and our thoughts can
really spiral into negativecycles when we get caught up in
this.
This is inner work.
I would say this is probably50% of what I do every day is
(09:36):
help women sort through thekinds of stories that they have
in their mind about what's goingon in their life, and the truth
is it really doesn't matterwhat anybody else thinks.
If you know what you know, youare going to be okay.
When you don't know what youknow and you're really worried
about what everybody else knowsor thinks or what you think they
think or what you think theyknow, it's very hard to feel
(10:00):
like you're okay.
You just are untethered fromyourself.
So this is inner work, and it'snormal to feel kind of shaky
and uncertain in conversationswhen you haven't done this work,
but when you're clear aboutwhat you believe about your
situation, then that clarityliterally becomes your
foundation and your anchor.
Here's an example.
(10:20):
Let's say your husband justlost his job.
Here's an example.
Let's say your husband justlost his job.
Level one may sound like thisRemember level one is your
private clarity.
This is hard and it's scary,but it doesn't define us.
We are a strong family.
We've navigated challengesbefore and this actually could
open doors we have not evenconsidered.
We will get through thistogether, one step at a time.
(10:41):
Okay, notice, this isn't toxicpositivity.
We're acknowledging that it'shard and that it could be scary,
but we're also choosing toframe it in a way that empowers
rather than victimizes.
Okay, level two this is an innercircle.
These are for the peopleclosest to you.
What would you say to yourspouse or your best friend or
(11:05):
your mom or your sister?
These are the people who getthe fuller picture, because you
want and need their support.
But even here, you still decidehow much detail is right and
you can set boundaries aroundhow you want that support to
look.
And I think this is especiallyimportant as mothers, when we
are dealing with things that ourchildren are going through,
(11:26):
that we've got to remember thatit's not just our story to tell,
it's also their story to telland we want to have presence of
mind around that and beprotective over their privacy.
So you might have a child thatgot into trouble at school for
something and they've been askedto sit out of school for a
period of time and you're goingto have worked on your own ideas
(11:49):
about what that means, thatthis is not kind of a permanent
life sentence for your child,that everybody goes through ups
and downs and that this is alearning experience and that
you're going to get through ittogether.
That would be your level one.
But your level two your innercircle there will be people in
your life that you want to telland that will know that your
kiddo is at home when theynormally are at school and you
(12:14):
might want to share with themdetails up to the point that you
feel comfortable.
I need you to know what'shappening so you could support
our family.
Our kiddo has done something atschool that's required him to
take some time and not allowedto go back to school.
I don't feel comfortablesharing exactly what that is
right now, but I just wanted youto know because we could really
(12:37):
use your love and support.
He's feeling pretty bad aboutit and I just know how important
you are to him and I'd love foryou to be in his life in a way
that could be really supportiveto him.
Now maybe you choose to tellthem exactly what happened,
because these are your innercircle people.
Show up to our closest peoplewithout shame and guilt and let
them into the level that isappropriate that we can get that
(13:00):
support from them.
Level three this might be forpeople you interact with
regularly but aren't in yourinner circle Neighbors, parents
at school, people at church,extended family members that you
only see occasionally.
This is where you're going togive them a warm but brief
explanation and maybe even agentle redirect to move the
(13:21):
conversation in a differentdirection.
So maybe you've decided tohomeschool that child because
they were struggling withbehavior or anxiety not thriving
in traditional school, and whenother parents ask why you made
the switch to homeschooling, youmight say it's what's working
best for our family.
Right now, every kid isdifferent.
How are things going for Sarahin her new grade?
(13:42):
So this would be what you wouldshare with people that really
it's not their business to knowall the details.
Does that feel rude?
To say it's not rude.
You guys, it is not yourbusiness to know everything
about everybody and it is noteverybody's business to know
everything about you and yourfamily.
You get to decide who's in theinner circles and who are not,
(14:07):
and you don't have to tell themthat.
You just adjust your narrative,what you're going to share,
accordingly and notice theredirect at the end.
There's not a pause wherethere's more room for someone to
ask another question.
There's a very generalstatement Well, this is what's
working best for our familyright now.
Every kid is different.
(14:27):
You know I love that.
That little bit like this iscommon knowledge, don't you
agree?
And then you redirect.
How are things going for Sarahin her new grade?
You acknowledge their question,you gave a brief but kind
response.
You affirmed that differentfamilies make different choices
and then redirected to ask aboutsomething about them or those
(14:48):
look like great brownies, let'sgo get one.
Whatever redirects, this keepsthe conversation friendly while
protecting your privacy.
Okay, one more level level fourstrangers, casual conversations
.
This is for people who don'tneed details at all, and this
could include distant relativesyou see once a year, or people
(15:09):
that are just acquaintances youran into at the store, or new
people right.
Here is your response it'spolite, it's brief and it's
final.
You don't owe anyone anexplanation.
Let's go back to.
If your husband lost his job.
A distant cousin atThanksgiving says so what's John
doing for work now?
And you can smile and say, oh,he's exploring some new
(15:32):
opportunities.
Thanks for asking How's yourjob going.
And then you're done.
You've been polite, you'veacknowledged their question and
you've redirected.
So now that you understand thefour layers, I want you
basically to understand that youget to have layers right.
So I laid out four of them.
Let me give you some specifictechniques for those moments
(15:54):
when people are pushing for moreinformation or when you just
internally feel pressured toshare more than you're
comfortable with.
The first one is a common onethat you've probably heard of.
It's called the sandwich method.
This is perfect when someoneasks something that feels
invasive, but you can kind oftell what they mean, like they
(16:14):
mean.
Well, you sandwich yourboundary between two statements
that are very kind.
So it's like the soft bread,the hard meat, and then the soft
bread, so the soft part.
Thanks so much for asking.
That's really thoughtful of you.
And then here's the meat, theboundary.
I'd rather not go into detailsright now, close, soft, but I
(16:35):
really appreciate your concern.
This acknowledges their goodintentions but still firmly
protects your privacy.
Okay, next technique brokenrecord technique.
If someone keeps pressing youafter you've given your level,
any level, three, four responsebut what happened, why?
What's the real story?
Do you have a friend like that?
(16:55):
She can't help herself, right?
She just wants more details.
You calmly repeat your phrase,maybe with a little variation,
but you don't add new details.
This is what's called thebroken record.
Right In the old days, whenthere used to be LP, vinyl
records, if there was a scratchor skip on it, the needle would
just replay the same place overand over and over again.
(17:19):
So it would sound like thiswe're taking it one step at a
time.
Like I said, we're figuring outnext steps.
It's what's working for ourfamily right now and if they
push some more, you'd say well,that's how steps work, one step
at a time.
I really can't tell you thenext one.
We're not there yet.
The key is to say it with thesame calm, kind energy each time
(17:45):
, without getting defensive orannoyed, even if you kind of
feel that way inside.
Just stick to your script.
A lot of times when we'retalking with people, we feel an
obligation to answer whatthey're asking us.
And you have no obligation,clearly none.
Okay, Another one.
We call it the appreciativeredirect.
Sometimes people keep askingquestions, not because they're
(18:05):
nosy, but because they want tohelp or they think showing
interest means they care.
That's our benevolentassumption.
In these cases you canacknowledge their heart while
still redirecting, and it's alittle bit like the sandwich.
You can hear it.
I can tell you're concerned.
That means so much.
Right now, what would help mostis your prayers or your
(18:25):
friendship.
Tell me, here's the redirect.
Tell me what's going on withyour family.
I'd love to hear how Jake isdoing at college.
So sometimes when I have to dothis, I'll actually kind of
reach out and take their hand.
Oh, thank you for being soworried about me.
This means so much, but rightnow I'm just not at a place
where I can go into that.
(18:45):
But I would appreciate yourprayers, or it means a lot just
to get to see you and talk aboutsomething else.
As a matter of fact, will youtell me how that trip was to
Mexico that you guys went on, orwhatever?
Whatever you can think of, findsomething to redirect.
I think we really face so manylayers of social pressure,
(19:08):
definitely from our familymembers, that we do feel are a
little bit in our inner circlesand they sometimes feel like
they have a say in things thatreally they probably don't right
, often questioning parentingchoices, or even other parents
comparing everything from how wedo bedtimes to what we do for
activities, and even strangerscan come up and give unsolicited
(19:31):
advice in the grocery store.
And definitely then we havesocial media that puts us into
comparison with other people.
Even though maybe everyonedoesn't know it, we do that
ourselves.
So when you add a challengingsituation on top of all that
normal pressure whether it's ajob loss or something with our
children or our marriagestruggling a little bit or a
(19:54):
family crisis it could reallyfeel overwhelming.
But here's what I've learnedwhen you've done the work to
decide what you believe aboutyour situation, what you're
going to share and how you willsay it, you're no longer at the
mercy of everyone else'squestions or opinions.
You hold the power.
You get to choose how muchemotional energy you spend on
(20:15):
other people's curiosity orjudgment or need for information
, and that is not selfish.
That is a wise stewardship ofyour heart and of your energy.
So let's talk, before we close,just about a few more scenarios
, because I inevitably getpeople with a little bit of a
blank stare like saying, okay,but how does this work for my
(20:37):
situation?
And I don't know that we'll hityour exact situation as an
example, but I think goingthrough a few more might help.
Okay, when someone says you cantell me, you know that person
right, they lean in and say comeon, you can tell me, I won't
tell anyone.
Your response can be I know youwould keep it private and I
(20:57):
appreciate that.
I'm just not ready to talkabout it yet.
You don't have to justify whyyou're not ready.
If you have family members thatfeel entitled to information, I
think it's really hard becausefamily dynamics are kind of
difficult sometimes.
So I think you can say I knowyour family and you care, but I
need to handle this on my ownright now or in our own way
(21:19):
right now.
I hope you can respect that andsometimes people will hear a
little bit of information andfill in the blanks with their
own assumptions, and you don'thave to correct everything.
You can simply say there's moreto this story, but I would like
to keep that private right now,and if you've overshared and
that happens to all of us you'recaught off guard.
You're emotional.
Before you know it, you saidmore than you intended.
I think first you need to begentle with yourself.
(21:41):
Then, if it's someone you trust, you could say look, I shared
more than I probably should have.
I'd appreciate it if you couldkeep that between us while I
figure out how I want to handlethis.
I'm hoping you're starting tosee and that you have more power
and choice in how you navigatethis and how you communicate
this.
I want you to feel empowered.
I think it's great to actuallypractice this.
(22:03):
So I want you to think aboutsomething tender in your life
right now, maybe somethingyou're currently navigating or
that you're worried might comeup in a conversation, that you
need to use some wisdom in howyou're going to share
information.
And then I want you to writeout those four levels of
response.
Level one what's the storyyou're telling yourself?
(22:25):
This is, hands down, the mostimportant one and truly, if you
get this one clear in your mind,then all the rest is going to
be much easier.
It really won't matter whatother people think.
So we want to focus on what youbelieve about the situation,
how you're choosing to frame itin a way that gives you the
(22:45):
strength and the peace and theconfidence that you need.
Level two what would you sharewith your closest people?
First off, maybe, who are yourclosest people and what would
you share with them?
And then I want you to bethinking about, when you share
with someone, maybe what's thesupport you need from them, and
even consider how you might askthem for support.
(23:06):
My guess is that people reallyclose to you are going to want
to offer that.
Level three I want you to craftone or two sentences that are
going to serve as your script, aresponse for the next level of
people in your life, likeacquaintances or friends, people
that really you care about butare not in the inner circle, and
(23:27):
how you can acknowledge theirquestion kindly while protecting
your privacy.
That's going to be your goal.
I just want you to write thosethings down.
That's going to be your goal.
I just want you to write thosethings down.
And level four would be what'syour polite but brief response
for casual conversations?
And so, when you start torealize that you have this
choice and you have a plan, itis going to really help you feel
(23:51):
confident.
And once you've written them out, I then want you to practice
saying them out loud, becausewriting them is one thing,
thinking about them is one thing, writing them out is the next
thing, and then saying them outloud is even more of a
commitment.
And I know it might feel silly,but when you're caught off
guard in real life, havingpracticed these words will be
such a gift to you.
So what we're painting apicture of here is that, when
(24:13):
you really master it, you canwalk into your child's school
function or a family gatheringor a social event, knowing that
you have a clear and kindresponse, prepared for any
question that might come up.
And instead of that anxiousfeeling of I hope no one asks me
about whatever, you can feelcalm instead and really prepared
and not worrying all day aboutwhat you'll say if someone
(24:34):
brings it up.
And hopefully that means you'llgo to the event right, because
otherwise we tend to stay homebecause we just don't want to
have to face that situation.
And then, when you go home andyou're replaying the
conversations, wondering if yousaid too much or too little, you
can know that you said what youhad prepared to say and that
you don't need to give it anymore thought.
That's the gift of controllingyour narrative.
It gives you back a sense ofcontrol and your own energy.
(24:57):
So here's your takeaway.
I want you to really hear this.
Your story is yours.
You get to decide who hears it,how much they hear and when
they hear it.
And it's not being secretive,it's not shame filled, it's not
being difficult, it's justwisdom and the truth.
You get to be both authenticand boundaried.
You get to be both kind andprotective of your own heart and
(25:21):
the stories in your family.
So this week I challenge you tothink about something tender in
your life right now.
Practice creating your fourlayers of response.
Write them out, say them outloud, notice how it feels to
have that preparation.
And if you want some help withthat, go into the show notes
leighgermancom under podcast forthis episode, and you can
(25:41):
download a little list of thesefour levels and layers of
response with a little worksheetthat goes with them, so that
you can practice this.
Maybe I'll put a few examplesin there as well.
You can practice this.
Maybe I'll put a few examplesin there as well.
Remember, confidence doesn'tcome from having a perfect
situation.
None of us have that Confidencecomes from owning your power
(26:02):
and your truth and choosing howyou want to move forward with it
so that it protects you and itserves your family.
I'd love to hear how this goesfor you guys.
So send me an email, lee atleegermancom.
Even if you have a fewquestions about what you're
gonna say, send me your question.
If I get enough of them thatare similar, I'll put it on
(26:22):
another episode.
Otherwise, I'll just respond toyou.
Send me that email, lee atleegermancom.
Go, download this little cheatsheet.
I think it'll really help youand it'll give you something to
teach your kids.
It'll really help them feelconfident when they're having
tough times figuring out what tosay.
All right, that's it for today.
You guys, I love you all.
(26:42):
I hope you have a really goodweek and I will talk to you next
time.
Take care, you can always findme on Instagram, at Lee German,
or on my website at Lee Germandot com.
The Leadership Parenting Podcastis for general information
purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
(27:04):
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal treat any condition,
illness or disease.
It's also not intended to belegal medical or therapeutic
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
When something private happens a job loss, a
health diagnosis, maybesomething going on in your kid's
life we often feel pressured toexplain ourselves.
In this episode, I'll show youhow to protect your peace and
your control by handlingquestions with confidence, using
a simple four-layer framework.
This is Leadership Parentingwhat to say when you're going
(00:21):
through a hard time.
What to say when you're goingthrough a hard time?
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
(00:43):
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hi friends, so happy to be withyou guys again today.
You know there was somethingthat I've been thinking about a
(01:03):
lot lately how, as moms, we'reconstantly navigating this
balance between being authenticand truthful and also protecting
our privacy and our peace.
I've had a couple ofexperiences this past month with
some women that are goingthrough some really hard things,
and this has been one of thethings that we've spent time
talking about how do I handle,how I explain to people some of
(01:26):
the hard things?
Here's one particular kind ofsummary of a question.
A mom came to me and she saidsomething very private happened
in my family and I feel reallyembarrassed for people to know
about it.
I definitely do not want toshare with everyone.
I don't want to feel judged.
Not want to share with everyone.
(01:48):
I don't want to feel judged.
How do I relate the appropriateamount of information without
making other people feel bad orleft out?
I'm really stuck.
So my first response this justhits me right in the heart
because it's such a real andtender place to be, and I think
everyone knows what it feelslike to be in this situation
(02:11):
when things are happening thatwe can't always control.
Sometimes it's our spouse losesa job, or we lose a job, we are
having health challenges, orsomeone in our family is maybe
your teenager makes a mistakethat affects the whole family,
or you might be making adecision for your family or your
child or you that others don'tunderstand, and it can cause us
to feel a little bit exposedwhen we think about sharing
(02:34):
information.
It could be hard to know how todo that, like we're really
vulnerable.
We have to figure out what todo and then we have to figure
out what we're going to say andhow we're going to share it with
others when people askquestions and they will ask
questions, right, because peoplegenerally care about us and
they are often curious andinterested and when we get
(02:57):
questions, I think it's verynormal for our heart to kind of
race and our mind gets scrambledup and wonder what do I even
say?
How much is too muchinformation?
How little makes me seemstandoffish or closed off to
them.
We've all been there thatfeeling of being caught off
guard or stumbling over ourwords and then replaying the
conversation for hoursafterwards wishing we had
(03:19):
handled it differently.
Well, that's what I'd like totalk about today how to get
clear on what it is you thinkand how you can control your
narrative with confidence.
And a narrative just means howyou narrate what's going on in
your life, right, it's not thatyou're making something up, it's
how you convey the informationwith confidence, and I want you
(03:42):
to know that by the end of thisepisode, I'm going to have given
you some practical tools that Ithink will help you walk into
any conversation feelingprepared and, hopefully, more
confident and peaceful.
And before we get into thehow-to, I just want you to
understand why this skill is so,so crucial for us.
First, not just for moms, but asfor all people and I've used
(04:05):
this formula that I've I'vedeveloped with people of all
ages that have a difficultycommunicating to the world
around them the things that aregoing on in their lives.
So the reason why I want you tounderstand that this is crucial
is because when we're caughtoff guard and fumbling for words
, we often end up eitheroversharing, telling people more
(04:28):
than we intended because we'renervous or, I don't know, maybe
sometimes we just want support,or we don't know how to not do
it.
We either overshare or we shutdown completely, and that can
seem really kind of cold orunfeeling or just, you know,
like not part of our community,and I think the bottom line is
(04:49):
neither of these things servesus very well.
Secondly, as mothers, we'remodeling for our children how to
handle difficult conversations,because they are going to have
them too.
They already do have them, andwhen we can navigate these
moments with more confidence andmore grace, we're going to show
our kids that it's possible tobe both honest and hold
(05:11):
boundaries.
And third, and I think this isreally important when we control
our narrative, we protect ourmental and emotional energy.
Instead of spending hoursafterwards wondering what people
will think or feeling exposedand raw, we can move forward
knowing we handled the situationas per plan, exactly as we
(05:32):
wanted to.
So what does that mean tocontrol your narrative?
I want you to think of it likethis Imagine you had your own
personal PR team and big figuresin entertainment and government
and public life.
They have PR teams that sitaround a table and craft what
they're going to tell the public.
(05:54):
Now, if you had your own PRteam, their job would be to help
you get really clear on whatyou actually believe about your
situation, and then they wouldhelp you create different
versions of your situation oryour story for different
audiences, and they would equipyou with words to say that you
(06:16):
could say with calmness, notpanic.
And then they would help youredirect the conversation when
the people you're talking towant to go places that you don't
want them to go, and that's theboundary part.
So, when you know your layersof response ahead of time, you
walk into conversations feelingcalm and prepared instead of
(06:37):
anxious and cornered, and what Ifind is that if we don't have a
plan, if we don't feel prepared, a lot of times what I see is
that people withdraw and youmight notice this in yourself or
in other people that you lovewhen you or someone else is
going through a really hard timebecause we don't know quite how
to explain things or even letsome people in and keep some
(07:01):
people out Because we don't knowhow to do that.
We often default to letting noone in and going nowhere and not
coming out of our houses andnot talking to people and
ultimately not getting the kindof love and support that we
really need to have.
Because that's what gets usthrough these hard things, you
guys, is having the right peoplein our lives with us, helping
(07:24):
us and supporting us.
You want to be that rightperson for someone.
You're not going to be thatright person for everyone, but
you want to be that right personfor someone that they can call
and they can give you the fullyunvarnished version of
whatever's going on in theirlife and they know you're safe
enough to hold that and helpthem and walk with them in that
If you as the person that'sgoing through the hard time
(07:47):
doesn't know how to tell thedifference between who is safe
and who's not safe, and who youwant to share with and who you
don't want to share with, andhow to kind of manage that, then
it's very, very common that wejust don't share it with anyone,
and that's not good for us.
Now I know some of you might bethinking or at least I've had
this pushback before but isn'tthis being fake or manipulative
(08:10):
If you have a PR team tellingyou what you should say and I
hear you but here's the thingthis is not about lying or being
deceptive or telling a falsestory.
This is about being intentionalwith your truth.
You get to decide how much ofyour story to share and when to
share it and with whom.
That's not manipulation, thatis wisdom.
(08:30):
So I want to walk you throughthe four layers and I want to
give you some real examples thatI know many of you may be able
to relate to, either foryourself or for somebody that
you know.
So the very first level is yourprivate clarity.
This is the deepest level.
This is the story that you tellyourself.
(08:52):
This is where you get to decidewhat this means about you,
whatever's happening right, yourfamily, your future.
This is where you choose to beat peace instead of panicking,
and this might take a while,because you need to be able to
sort through the details andlisten to the thoughts and the
(09:12):
messages that you have in yourmind.
And what we want to do isanchor in truth instead of
getting swept up into that shameor fear, and our thoughts can
really spiral into negativecycles when we get caught up in
this.
This is inner work.
I would say this is probably50% of what I do every day is
(09:36):
help women sort through thekinds of stories that they have
in their mind about what's goingon in their life, and the truth
is it really doesn't matterwhat anybody else thinks.
If you know what you know, youare going to be okay.
When you don't know what youknow and you're really worried
about what everybody else knowsor thinks or what you think they
think or what you think theyknow, it's very hard to feel
(10:00):
like you're okay.
You just are untethered fromyourself.
So this is inner work, and it'snormal to feel kind of shaky
and uncertain in conversationswhen you haven't done this work,
but when you're clear aboutwhat you believe about your
situation, then that clarityliterally becomes your
foundation and your anchor.
Here's an example.
(10:20):
Let's say your husband justlost his job.
Here's an example.
Let's say your husband justlost his job.
Level one may sound like thisRemember level one is your
private clarity.
This is hard and it's scary,but it doesn't define us.
We are a strong family.
We've navigated challengesbefore and this actually could
open doors we have not evenconsidered.
We will get through thistogether, one step at a time.
(10:41):
Okay, notice, this isn't toxicpositivity.
We're acknowledging that it'shard and that it could be scary,
but we're also choosing toframe it in a way that empowers
rather than victimizes.
Okay, level two this is an innercircle.
These are for the peopleclosest to you.
What would you say to yourspouse or your best friend or
(11:05):
your mom or your sister?
These are the people who getthe fuller picture, because you
want and need their support.
But even here, you still decidehow much detail is right and
you can set boundaries aroundhow you want that support to
look.
And I think this is especiallyimportant as mothers, when we
are dealing with things that ourchildren are going through,
(11:26):
that we've got to remember thatit's not just our story to tell,
it's also their story to telland we want to have presence of
mind around that and beprotective over their privacy.
So you might have a child thatgot into trouble at school for
something and they've been askedto sit out of school for a
period of time and you're goingto have worked on your own ideas
(11:49):
about what that means, thatthis is not kind of a permanent
life sentence for your child,that everybody goes through ups
and downs and that this is alearning experience and that
you're going to get through ittogether.
That would be your level one.
But your level two your innercircle there will be people in
your life that you want to telland that will know that your
kiddo is at home when theynormally are at school and you
(12:14):
might want to share with themdetails up to the point that you
feel comfortable.
I need you to know what'shappening so you could support
our family.
Our kiddo has done something atschool that's required him to
take some time and not allowedto go back to school.
I don't feel comfortablesharing exactly what that is
right now, but I just wanted youto know because we could really
(12:37):
use your love and support.
He's feeling pretty bad aboutit and I just know how important
you are to him and I'd love foryou to be in his life in a way
that could be really supportiveto him.
Now maybe you choose to tellthem exactly what happened,
because these are your innercircle people.
Show up to our closest peoplewithout shame and guilt and let
them into the level that isappropriate that we can get that
(13:00):
support from them.
Level three this might be forpeople you interact with
regularly but aren't in yourinner circle Neighbors, parents
at school, people at church,extended family members that you
only see occasionally.
This is where you're going togive them a warm but brief
explanation and maybe even agentle redirect to move the
(13:21):
conversation in a differentdirection.
So maybe you've decided tohomeschool that child because
they were struggling withbehavior or anxiety not thriving
in traditional school, and whenother parents ask why you made
the switch to homeschooling, youmight say it's what's working
best for our family.
Right now, every kid isdifferent.
How are things going for Sarahin her new grade?
(13:42):
So this would be what you wouldshare with people that really
it's not their business to knowall the details.
Does that feel rude?
To say it's not rude.
You guys, it is not yourbusiness to know everything
about everybody and it is noteverybody's business to know
everything about you and yourfamily.
You get to decide who's in theinner circles and who are not,
(14:07):
and you don't have to tell themthat.
You just adjust your narrative,what you're going to share,
accordingly and notice theredirect at the end.
There's not a pause wherethere's more room for someone to
ask another question.
There's a very generalstatement Well, this is what's
working best for our familyright now.
Every kid is different.
(14:27):
You know I love that.
That little bit like this iscommon knowledge, don't you
agree?
And then you redirect.
How are things going for Sarahin her new grade?
You acknowledge their question,you gave a brief but kind
response.
You affirmed that differentfamilies make different choices
and then redirected to ask aboutsomething about them or those
(14:48):
look like great brownies, let'sgo get one.
Whatever redirects, this keepsthe conversation friendly while
protecting your privacy.
Okay, one more level level fourstrangers, casual conversations
.
This is for people who don'tneed details at all, and this
could include distant relativesyou see once a year, or people
(15:09):
that are just acquaintances youran into at the store, or new
people right.
Here is your response it'spolite, it's brief and it's
final.
You don't owe anyone anexplanation.
Let's go back to.
If your husband lost his job.
A distant cousin atThanksgiving says so what's John
doing for work now?
And you can smile and say, oh,he's exploring some new
(15:32):
opportunities.
Thanks for asking How's yourjob going.
And then you're done.
You've been polite, you'veacknowledged their question and
you've redirected.
So now that you understand thefour layers, I want you
basically to understand that youget to have layers right.
So I laid out four of them.
Let me give you some specifictechniques for those moments
(15:54):
when people are pushing for moreinformation or when you just
internally feel pressured toshare more than you're
comfortable with.
The first one is a common onethat you've probably heard of.
It's called the sandwich method.
This is perfect when someoneasks something that feels
invasive, but you can kind oftell what they mean, like they
(16:14):
mean.
Well, you sandwich yourboundary between two statements
that are very kind.
So it's like the soft bread,the hard meat, and then the soft
bread, so the soft part.
Thanks so much for asking.
That's really thoughtful of you.
And then here's the meat, theboundary.
I'd rather not go into detailsright now, close, soft, but I
(16:35):
really appreciate your concern.
This acknowledges their goodintentions but still firmly
protects your privacy.
Okay, next technique brokenrecord technique.
If someone keeps pressing youafter you've given your level,
any level, three, four responsebut what happened, why?
What's the real story?
Do you have a friend like that?
(16:55):
She can't help herself, right?
She just wants more details.
You calmly repeat your phrase,maybe with a little variation,
but you don't add new details.
This is what's called thebroken record.
Right In the old days, whenthere used to be LP, vinyl
records, if there was a scratchor skip on it, the needle would
just replay the same place overand over and over again.
(17:19):
So it would sound like thiswe're taking it one step at a
time.
Like I said, we're figuring outnext steps.
It's what's working for ourfamily right now and if they
push some more, you'd say well,that's how steps work, one step
at a time.
I really can't tell you thenext one.
We're not there yet.
The key is to say it with thesame calm, kind energy each time
(17:45):
, without getting defensive orannoyed, even if you kind of
feel that way inside.
Just stick to your script.
A lot of times when we'retalking with people, we feel an
obligation to answer whatthey're asking us.
And you have no obligation,clearly none.
Okay, Another one.
We call it the appreciativeredirect.
Sometimes people keep askingquestions, not because they're
(18:05):
nosy, but because they want tohelp or they think showing
interest means they care.
That's our benevolentassumption.
In these cases you canacknowledge their heart while
still redirecting, and it's alittle bit like the sandwich.
You can hear it.
I can tell you're concerned.
That means so much.
Right now, what would help mostis your prayers or your
(18:25):
friendship.
Tell me, here's the redirect.
Tell me what's going on withyour family.
I'd love to hear how Jake isdoing at college.
So sometimes when I have to dothis, I'll actually kind of
reach out and take their hand.
Oh, thank you for being soworried about me.
This means so much, but rightnow I'm just not at a place
where I can go into that.
(18:45):
But I would appreciate yourprayers, or it means a lot just
to get to see you and talk aboutsomething else.
As a matter of fact, will youtell me how that trip was to
Mexico that you guys went on, orwhatever?
Whatever you can think of, findsomething to redirect.
I think we really face so manylayers of social pressure,
(19:08):
definitely from our familymembers, that we do feel are a
little bit in our inner circlesand they sometimes feel like
they have a say in things thatreally they probably don't right
, often questioning parentingchoices, or even other parents
comparing everything from how wedo bedtimes to what we do for
activities, and even strangerscan come up and give unsolicited
(19:31):
advice in the grocery store.
And definitely then we havesocial media that puts us into
comparison with other people.
Even though maybe everyonedoesn't know it, we do that
ourselves.
So when you add a challengingsituation on top of all that
normal pressure whether it's ajob loss or something with our
children or our marriagestruggling a little bit or a
(19:54):
family crisis it could reallyfeel overwhelming.
But here's what I've learnedwhen you've done the work to
decide what you believe aboutyour situation, what you're
going to share and how you willsay it, you're no longer at the
mercy of everyone else'squestions or opinions.
You hold the power.
You get to choose how muchemotional energy you spend on
(20:15):
other people's curiosity orjudgment or need for information
, and that is not selfish.
That is a wise stewardship ofyour heart and of your energy.
So let's talk, before we close,just about a few more scenarios
, because I inevitably getpeople with a little bit of a
blank stare like saying, okay,but how does this work for my
(20:37):
situation?
And I don't know that we'll hityour exact situation as an
example, but I think goingthrough a few more might help.
Okay, when someone says you cantell me, you know that person
right, they lean in and say comeon, you can tell me, I won't
tell anyone.
Your response can be I know youwould keep it private and I
(20:57):
appreciate that.
I'm just not ready to talkabout it yet.
You don't have to justify whyyou're not ready.
If you have family members thatfeel entitled to information, I
think it's really hard becausefamily dynamics are kind of
difficult sometimes.
So I think you can say I knowyour family and you care, but I
need to handle this on my ownright now or in our own way
(21:19):
right now.
I hope you can respect that andsometimes people will hear a
little bit of information andfill in the blanks with their
own assumptions, and you don'thave to correct everything.
You can simply say there's moreto this story, but I would like
to keep that private right now,and if you've overshared and
that happens to all of us you'recaught off guard.
You're emotional.
Before you know it, you saidmore than you intended.
I think first you need to begentle with yourself.
(21:41):
Then, if it's someone you trust, you could say look, I shared
more than I probably should have.
I'd appreciate it if you couldkeep that between us while I
figure out how I want to handlethis.
I'm hoping you're starting tosee and that you have more power
and choice in how you navigatethis and how you communicate
this.
I want you to feel empowered.
I think it's great to actuallypractice this.
(22:03):
So I want you to think aboutsomething tender in your life
right now, maybe somethingyou're currently navigating or
that you're worried might comeup in a conversation, that you
need to use some wisdom in howyou're going to share
information.
And then I want you to writeout those four levels of
response.
Level one what's the storyyou're telling yourself?
(22:25):
This is, hands down, the mostimportant one and truly, if you
get this one clear in your mind,then all the rest is going to
be much easier.
It really won't matter whatother people think.
So we want to focus on what youbelieve about the situation,
how you're choosing to frame itin a way that gives you the
(22:45):
strength and the peace and theconfidence that you need.
Level two what would you sharewith your closest people?
First off, maybe, who are yourclosest people and what would
you share with them?
And then I want you to bethinking about, when you share
with someone, maybe what's thesupport you need from them, and
even consider how you might askthem for support.
(23:06):
My guess is that people reallyclose to you are going to want
to offer that.
Level three I want you to craftone or two sentences that are
going to serve as your script, aresponse for the next level of
people in your life, likeacquaintances or friends, people
that really you care about butare not in the inner circle, and
(23:27):
how you can acknowledge theirquestion kindly while protecting
your privacy.
That's going to be your goal.
I just want you to write thosethings down.
That's going to be your goal.
I just want you to write thosethings down.
And level four would be what'syour polite but brief response
for casual conversations?
And so, when you start torealize that you have this
choice and you have a plan, itis going to really help you feel
(23:51):
confident.
And once you've written them out, I then want you to practice
saying them out loud, becausewriting them is one thing,
thinking about them is one thing, writing them out is the next
thing, and then saying them outloud is even more of a
commitment.
And I know it might feel silly,but when you're caught off
guard in real life, havingpracticed these words will be
such a gift to you.
So what we're painting apicture of here is that, when
(24:13):
you really master it, you canwalk into your child's school
function or a family gatheringor a social event, knowing that
you have a clear and kindresponse, prepared for any
question that might come up.
And instead of that anxiousfeeling of I hope no one asks me
about whatever, you can feelcalm instead and really prepared
and not worrying all day aboutwhat you'll say if someone
(24:34):
brings it up.
And hopefully that means you'llgo to the event right, because
otherwise we tend to stay homebecause we just don't want to
have to face that situation.
And then, when you go home andyou're replaying the
conversations, wondering if yousaid too much or too little, you
can know that you said what youhad prepared to say and that
you don't need to give it anymore thought.
That's the gift of controllingyour narrative.
It gives you back a sense ofcontrol and your own energy.
(24:57):
So here's your takeaway.
I want you to really hear this.
Your story is yours.
You get to decide who hears it,how much they hear and when
they hear it.
And it's not being secretive,it's not shame filled, it's not
being difficult, it's justwisdom and the truth.
You get to be both authenticand boundaried.
You get to be both kind andprotective of your own heart and
(25:21):
the stories in your family.
So this week I challenge you tothink about something tender in
your life right now.
Practice creating your fourlayers of response.
Write them out, say them outloud, notice how it feels to
have that preparation.
And if you want some help withthat, go into the show notes
leighgermancom under podcast forthis episode, and you can
(25:41):
download a little list of thesefour levels and layers of
response with a little worksheetthat goes with them, so that
you can practice this.
Maybe I'll put a few examplesin there as well.
You can practice this.
Maybe I'll put a few examplesin there as well.
Remember, confidence doesn'tcome from having a perfect
situation.
None of us have that Confidencecomes from owning your power
(26:02):
and your truth and choosing howyou want to move forward with it
so that it protects you and itserves your family.
I'd love to hear how this goesfor you guys.
So send me an email, lee atleegermancom.
Even if you have a fewquestions about what you're
gonna say, send me your question.
If I get enough of them thatare similar, I'll put it on
(26:22):
another episode.
Otherwise, I'll just respond toyou.
Send me that email, lee atleegermancom.
Go, download this little cheatsheet.
I think it'll really help youand it'll give you something to
teach your kids.
It'll really help them feelconfident when they're having
tough times figuring out what tosay.
All right, that's it for today.
You guys, I love you all.
(26:42):
I hope you have a really goodweek and I will talk to you next
time.
Take care, you can always findme on Instagram, at Lee German,
or on my website at Lee Germandot com.
The Leadership Parenting Podcastis for general information
purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
(27:04):
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal treat any condition,
illness or disease.
It's also not intended to belegal medical or therapeutic
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
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