September 17, 2025 • 23 mins
Ever found yourself reacting to your children in ways you immediately regret? The space between trigger and response might be the most powerful parenting tool you've never fully utilized.
Stress, frustration, and overwhelm aren't personal failings—they're biological responses deeply wired into our nervous systems. When faced with the constant demands of parenting, our bodies interpret these challenges as threats, activating our fight-or-flight response and temporarily shutting down our capacity for rational thought. But what if just three seconds could change everything?
This episode reveals how a simple pause can completely transform your stress response. Through mindful breathing, physical grounding techniques, and practices like Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), you can create vital space between feeling triggered and choosing your response. These micro-moments of awareness aren't just coping mechanisms—they're rewiring your brain, strengthening neural pathways that lead to more intentional parenting aligned with your deepest values.
If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:
https://leighgermann.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Did you know that just a few seconds can
completely change the way youhandle stress, frustration and
overwhelm?
If you're ready to feel morepresent, calm and in control,
even in the midst of chaos, thisepisode is going to give you a
tool to make that happen.
This is Leadership Parenting,episode 110, how to Handle
Stress Better.
(00:20):
With a Pause.
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
(00:42):
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hey friends, welcome back toLeadership Parenting.
If you've been listening for awhile, or even if this is your
(01:04):
very first time, I just want totake a second to say I am so
glad that you're here.
I love having theseconversations with you each week
and if this podcast has helpedyou in any way, I have a favor
to ask Would you take just aminute to leave a quick review
or share this episode with afriend.
It's one of the best ways tohelp more moms find me.
I read every single review.
(01:26):
It means so much to hear yourthoughts, so if something in
today's episode resonates withyou, please share it with
another mom who might need ittoo.
That's how we're shaping theseconversations by addressing real
struggles and, hopefully,finding real solutions together,
and today we're talking aboutone of those struggles.
All the emotion that we get asmoms, that incredible feeling of
(01:50):
stress and overwhelm that'sjust so common as we're
parenting our children have youever reacted in a way that you
immediately regretted?
Maybe snapped at someone youlove, rushed through a
conversation without reallylistening, or maybe even felt
completely overwhelmed byeverything that's piling up
around you?
I recently worked with a momwho felt like she was constantly
(02:12):
losing her temper with her kids.
She told me I don't want toyell, but it feels like it's my
only option when everything isfalling apart.
Here's what was reallyhappening in her nervous system,
and in yours too, and mine.
When we feel overwhelmed, whenwe perceive stress, that nervous
system we have activates thefight or flight response, and
(02:33):
we've talked about this so much.
I know you might be a littlesick of it, but I really think
it's important that we recognizethis is built into us.
It is turning on and offthroughout our day.
That isn't unusual.
So when you're stressed it'sgoing to pop on and that's not a
failure or a personal weakness.
It's part of that programmingthat keeps you alive.
(02:54):
It's a survival mechanism.
Your body's going to interpretfrustration loud noises,
constant demands Okay, all thosethings we have as mothers right
?
Your nervous system interpretsall those things as threats and
shifts us into this reactivestate automatically, without our
permission.
This means that when we findourselves yelling or feeling out
(03:16):
of control, it's not because wewant to be doing that, it's not
because we lack willpower even.
It's because our body isresponding to stress in the best
way it knows how.
That mama I was working withthis was the key component of us
turning that around.
Understanding this.
We worked on one simple change,just one adding a mindful pause
(03:40):
before reacting Instead ofimmediately yelling.
When she got frustrated, shetook a deep breath, three
seconds, just three seconds, tonotice her emotions before
responding.
Over time, those brief pauseshelped her shift from reacting
impulsively to responding moreintentionally.
Does that seem impossiblesometimes to you?
(04:02):
Sometimes, even when I teach it, I think this is a miracle that
we know how to do this, that wecan actually get good at doing
this.
But you guys, I have watchedmom after mom learn this skill
and I want to talk about thattoday, because you may have
never heard of this before, ormaybe you practice it every day.
Either way, we have to keepthis top of mind because too
(04:24):
many times we are just so hardon ourselves for the kinds of
responses that are coming fromour nervous system, and when we
stay in that place of self-blameand shame and owning it as if
it's a flaw in us, it doesn'tget better.
That only turns our threatsystem on more.
It's so much better torecognize this as a process, a
(04:44):
nervous system process, and tolearn how to work with your
nervous system.
And what a nervous system needsis a pause.
That pause helps us regulatethose emotions by creating a
moment or a second of awareness.
Instead of going straight intofight or flight, we're creating
space to calm our bodies downand choose a different response,
(05:06):
and this is why we use the wordmindfulness, because we are
mindful in the moment of what'sgoing on, even when it's not
pretty.
We're noticing and we'repausing, and these are very
compassionate practices.
Instead of beating ourselves up, kind of riding that crazy
train through the emotion thatjust takes over and gets us
(05:27):
yelling or gets us shutting down, we are starting to learn how
to drive that emotion because wehave a spacer between the
nervous system's response andwhat we choose to do.
And we start with mindfulnessbecause it allows us to be where
we are, to understand what'shappening and, ideally, what I'm
(05:47):
trying to sell you on is tooffer yourself the kindness that
you deserve so you can turn offthat threat system and decide
to respond in a way that worksso much better for you and for
your family.
When I talk about pausing, I'mnot suggesting this ideal Zen
state of perpetual calm.
I'm talking about a real lifepractice for real moms with real
(06:10):
feelings in the messiness ofeveryday life.
I'm talking about finding tinyspaces of possibility between
trigger and response, spacesthat we can practice growing
wider and wider as we get betterat this.
In that space is emotionalregulation.
(06:30):
We hear that word a lot in themental health field and also now
just in our general kinds ofconversations.
Emotional regulation is the key.
You guys, we're trying to teachit to our children and we're
trying to make sure we're usingit ourselves right.
It is the protection from thedamage that stress does.
It is the protection from thedamage to our relationships that
(06:54):
our getting dysregulated doeswhen we start to do things that
don't align with how we want toparent, like yell or storm out
of a room or withdraw and shutdown.
And we often think we have toreduce the stress externally so
that we can get this to happen.
But actually what we need to dohappens inside of us, which I
(07:16):
think is really good news,because I can't control all the
stress around me.
You get into a kitchen with abunch of kids on the road in
traffic.
Can you control the chaos andthe stress around you?
Maybe once in a while, maybeyou can get a few things running
orderly and get everybodymarching to the same drum in
(07:37):
some miraculous way once in awhile, but I raised five kids.
I couldn't ever get it tohappen every day.
So we've got to figure out away for us to calm and regulate
ourselves in the midst of thechaos.
Does that sound impossible?
Sometimes it feels impossible.
I know that I teach it and onthe regular I will often feel
(07:58):
like this just feels impossible.
However, it is not.
Let me take you inside yourbrain for a minute.
When you're stressed ortriggered, your amygdala that's
an alarm system that's in yourbrain.
It activates and it sendsstress hormones coursing through
your body.
Your prefrontal cortex is thepart of your brain that handles
(08:19):
your rational thinking and yourdecision-making, and when it
gets flooded, your whole bodygets flooded with all of this
cortisol and stress hormones.
Your prefrontal cortex doesn'twork as well as it normally does
.
We often say it goes offline.
Of course, it's not thatexactly that it really goes
offline, but it just does nottake the front seat in making
(08:41):
your decisions.
It's so hard to think clearlywhen you're upset, but when we
pause and take a deep breath, weactually create a physiological
shift and that counteracts allof those stress hormones.
Your parasympathetic nervoussystem gets activated and it
(09:02):
slows your heart rate down andit brings your prefrontal cortex
back online.
And isn't it amazing thatsomething as simple as a breath
can create such a profound shiftin your brain and your body?
People are researching this.
There are studies about this,and what most of them find is
that even brief mindfulnesspractices can reduce stress and
(09:23):
improve our cognitivefunctioning.
That's what we call that.
Prefrontal cortex is a cognitivefunction and this means that
those few seconds that we taketo breathe, to pause, before
reacting to a tantrum, or beforeraising our voice to a child,
or before letting the overwhelmkind of dictate what we do,
(09:43):
those few seconds to pause cangive our brain the space to
choose a thoughtful response.
Now we could still choose toyell, but it's our choice
instead of a reaction.
Beyond the research, I've seenthis power of pausing in
hundreds of moms.
I've worked with Women justlike you and me, who thought
(10:05):
they were doomed to reactivity,discovered that small pauses can
lead to profound shifts intheir ability to parent the way
they want to, and that theydon't just feel calmer, but they
feel more connected to theirkids, more aligned with their
values, more confident in howthey're parenting and so much
less self-critical and full ofshame.
(10:26):
The byproduct, of course, isthat, as they're emotionally
regulating themselves, they'remodeling it for their kids.
Every time you pause, you'restrengthening neural pathways in
your brain, literally rewiringthose default responses in your
(10:47):
brain, literally rewiring thosedefault responses.
What does a pause look like?
It could be a slow, deep breath.
As a matter of fact, breathingtends to be the number one way
that we start to practice thislittle bit of a pause.
But you can also pause bynoticing the ground beneath your
feet, mentally stepping backbefore you act, or even
physically stepping back.
Mentally stepping back beforeyou act, or even physically
stepping back, counting silentlyto three, whispering a phrase
(11:08):
to yourself, feeling thesensation of your hands,
observing emotions rising withinyou, without judgment.
It sounds small, but theselittle moments of awareness are
changing everything for usinside.
Pauses matter for us because weare often living the lives of
our children and I don't meanactually living their lives, but
(11:29):
as adults we're living withinthe realm of toddlers and
teenagers and all the stages inbetween, and our job is constant
and their emotions andstruggles are literally all
around us all the time and wedon't get breaks, maybe for a
few hours if you have kids inschool or you go to work, but
it's all waiting for you whenyou arrive back home together.
(11:52):
Right, there are a lot ofemotions going around, we're
swimming in them and I want youto think of your nervous system
kind of like a stress bucket.
Every frustration, everydeadline, every tantrum, every
demand fills it up and if younever drain that bucket it
overflows.
So pauses are like tinydrainage holes, letting stress
(12:12):
out in manageable amounts so youdon't reach that overflow point
.
One mom I worked with describedit this way Before I started
practicing pauses, I felt like Iwas always one step behind
myself, constantly reacting andthen regretting.
Do you ever feel that way?
I'm constantly reacting andthen constantly regretting it.
(12:34):
It's like this cycle ofself-punishment, right, like I
can't stop the cycle.
That's what she used to tell me.
And then she said, when Ilearned to pause, I started to
feel like I caught up again,like I was actually present in
my life while it was happening.
She said she could feel atrigger coming and then paused,
created a space around thetrigger before it kind of pushed
(12:59):
the automatic button and then,you know it kind of her stress
took over.
She found this tiny sliver ofwhat she called freedom between
what happens and how sheresponds to it.
That sliver of freedom isavailable to all of us and it
grows wider with our practice,creating more room for our
intentional choices as we parent.
(13:21):
Okay, so I want you to bethinking what does a pause look
like for you?
I think, first, it's importantto start with.
When do you get that sense offeeling overwhelmed?
Do you know what that feelslike in your body?
We spend a lot of time talkingabout identifying your emotions.
I love the emotional body scan.
What am I feeling?
(13:41):
Where is it in my body?
How big is it?
When you're feeling that highemotion, that's when you know
you need to take a pause,because emotions are the things
that cause us to act in the waythat we act.
So I want you to be thinkingabout where do you need a pause?
And when you have those bigemotions, do you notice how
(14:02):
quickly, right after the bigemotion, the frustration I mean,
it's never love and joy andgratitude that causes us to lose
our temper?
Right, it's those big, gnarlyemotions that tend to come up
like a volcano, and then wereact.
So I want you to pinpoint sometimes when that happens for you.
That's where you want a pause,and you don't need an hour of
(14:28):
meditation to bring mindfulnessand pauses into your life.
There's some simple ways to doit.
We're talking about pauses onthe run, we're talking about
pauses in the moment, pauses inthe middle, and the best way by
far to practice doing pauses isto work with your breath.
So I love the idea of athree-second breath you breathe
(14:50):
in and then you breathe out andyou kind of count mentally,
count to three, breathe in two,three and then exhale slowly.
This is worth practicing, youguys.
This slow, deep breath does somany things for you.
Not only does it delay yourreaction, it fills your body
(15:11):
with oxygen.
It tells your nervous systemthat you are safe enough to
pause and breathe.
If you have a wild animalchasing you, you are not going
to stop and take a slowthree-second breath, and your
nervous system knows that.
It senses that when you chooseconsciously to breathe slowly,
you are manually turning downthe threat system, and that is
(15:35):
so powerful.
So that's the first, easiestkind of baseline way to put a
space into your life to bemindful and to put a pause there
.
Let's talk about a couple ofother ways that you can pause.
At any point in the day you canpause and name one thing that
you're grateful for.
This is going to shift yourmindset literally in seconds.
(15:57):
Researchers study the chemicalsin the brain releasing dopamine
.
Serotonin when we have somekind of gratitude pass across
our thoughts and in our mind.
The feel-good neurotransmittershelp us counteract those stress
hormones.
When your emotions are runninghigh, you can place your hand on
(16:17):
your heart.
This touch activates your vagusnerve, which regulates your
nervous system.
It's also a powerfulself-compassion exercise.
When you put your hand on yourchest In between your activities
, those little transitionsbetween what you're doing
shifting from the car to thehouse or moving from room to
room, finishing an email orclearing a table I want you to
(16:41):
take a deep breath and noticeyour body.
These transition moments arenatural opportunities to reset.
I kind of think of them asclearing what's going on inside
before moving to the next thing.
These are just a couple ofexamples of how we can start to
look for spaces in between thethings that are going on in our
lives.
It's like sometimes I feel likewe're living in this one run on
(17:04):
sentence right when there's nocommas, there's no periods,
there's no dashes.
It's just one thing afteranother.
We go into activity afteractivity and emotion after
emotion.
So as you start to practiceputting little spaces in between
the things that you're doing,you're starting to train
yourself to manage the momentumin your life.
(17:27):
And there's another powerfultool that can help you pause in
the heat of the moment.
It's the emotional freedomtechnique, or EFT, and it's
sometimes called tapping.
This is something you can doanywhere in just a minute or two
, and it's sometimes calledtapping.
This is something you can doanywhere in just a minute or two
and it can bring your stresslevel down very quickly when you
feel yourself starting to getheightened or lose your patience
.
Eft combines this gentletapping on specific acupressure
(17:51):
points with calming thoughts orphrases that you combine with
that tapping, and the idea isthat when you stimulate these
points on your body, placeswhere energy pathways in your
body are close to the surface,you're sending a message of
safety and calm directly to yournervous system and you're
basically telling your brainit's okay, I don't need to be on
(18:11):
high alert.
And our research is showing usthat just five minutes of
tapping like this can reducecortisol, that stress hormone,
by as much as 40 or 50%, andthat's a big shift from such a
small action that you can doyourself.
So for moms, one of the easiestplaces for us to use the tapping
is on the collarbone point.
So let me walk through it withyou really quickly.
(18:33):
You can find this spot in yourcollarbone by placing your
fingers in the hollow of yourkind of throat in between the
space where your two collarbonescome together and then slightly
go to the right or to the left,just a few fingers, and
there'll be a slightly tenderspot there.
That's the spot that we'relooking for, and you don't have
(18:54):
to stay on that spot perfectly,but you're going to take four
fingers not your thumb, justfour fingers and lightly tap on
that spot and take a slow breathin and out, and as you breathe
you're going to be continuallytapping on that point with your
four fingers and just keeping asteady rhythm, not too hard,
(19:15):
just enough that you feel it.
And while you tap, you can thensay that calming phrase to
yourself, something like I canhandle this, this is just a
minute, this is not forever.
I'm safe, I'm capable.
I get to choose how I respond.
I want you to pick a phrase thatresonates with you the
combination of tapping andtaking a breath and using these
(19:39):
affirmations, these affirmingwords.
They help you anchor your pauseand it helps you calm both your
body and your mind.
When you do this, you'reactively shifting your
physiology.
You're moving from fight orflight into a calmer, more
centered state, and we all needmore of that, don't we?
So here's my invitation thenext time you feel tension
(19:59):
rising in your body, in thoseemotions, I want you to just
pause, take a breath andremember some of the simple
tools we've talked about forcreating space for us in the
middle of our busiest moments.
Remember, you don't need an hourof quiet or a perfect routine,
just a few seconds to make a bigdifference.
You could take a three secondbreath, letting your inhale and
(20:22):
exhale reset that nervous system.
You can place your hand on yourheart, reminding yourself that
you're safe, that you'resupported.
You could pause to notice onething you're grateful for.
You could shift that mindtowards steadiness and
perspective, and you can trytapping gently on your
collarbone point to combine abreath and those affirming words
to calm your body and yourthoughts.
(20:44):
If you'd like some extraguidance on understanding how to
do that tapping, I've recordeda short video demonstration to
walk you through the techniquestep-by-step, so you can find it
by going to my website andclicking on this episode's show
notes, and you can download thatdemonstration and it will give
you a clear picture of where totap and how to use it when you
need it the most.
So remember, pausing isn'tabout being Zen, it's about
(21:08):
giving yourself space, that'sall, to come back to calm so you
can show up as the person thatyou want to be and just take
care of yourself.
Give yourself that space tofeel better, and every time you
do this you will bestrengthening those pathways and
strengthening your resilience.
I'd love to hear how this goesfor you.
Please let me know.
You can send me an email, lee,at leegermancom, and check out
(21:32):
that video so you can learn howto calm your body down very
quickly with that tappingexercise.
We all need to learn how tocalm your body down very quickly
with that tapping exercise.
We all need to learn how to dothis so we can take really good
care of ourselves and then takegood care of our families.
I'll see y'all next week.
Take care, if you feel likethese ideas really speak to you
but you're not sure how toactually apply them in your own
(21:54):
life, I want you to know youdon't have to do it alone.
I'm currently opening a fewone-to-one coaching spots for
moms who are ready to go deeperand get personalized support as
they build their own resilience.
This is where we takeeverything we talk about here
and we tailor it to your life,your story, your goals.
If that sounds like somethingyou're craving, just head to
(22:14):
leighgermancom and click onone-to-one coaching, we'll set
up a free call to talk aboutwhere you are, where you want to
be and whether coaching is theright next step for you.
You can always find me onInstagram, at leighgerman, or on
my website, at leighgermancom.
(22:35):
The Leadership Parenting Podcastis for general information
purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal, medical or therapeutic
(22:56):
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
Did you know that just a few seconds can
completely change the way youhandle stress, frustration and
overwhelm?
If you're ready to feel morepresent, calm and in control,
even in the midst of chaos, thisepisode is going to give you a
tool to make that happen.
This is Leadership Parenting,episode 110, how to Handle
Stress Better.
(00:20):
With a Pause.
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
(00:42):
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hey friends, welcome back toLeadership Parenting.
If you've been listening for awhile, or even if this is your
(01:04):
very first time, I just want totake a second to say I am so
glad that you're here.
I love having theseconversations with you each week
and if this podcast has helpedyou in any way, I have a favor
to ask Would you take just aminute to leave a quick review
or share this episode with afriend.
It's one of the best ways tohelp more moms find me.
I read every single review.
(01:26):
It means so much to hear yourthoughts, so if something in
today's episode resonates withyou, please share it with
another mom who might need ittoo.
That's how we're shaping theseconversations by addressing real
struggles and, hopefully,finding real solutions together,
and today we're talking aboutone of those struggles.
All the emotion that we get asmoms, that incredible feeling of
(01:50):
stress and overwhelm that'sjust so common as we're
parenting our children have youever reacted in a way that you
immediately regretted?
Maybe snapped at someone youlove, rushed through a
conversation without reallylistening, or maybe even felt
completely overwhelmed byeverything that's piling up
around you?
I recently worked with a momwho felt like she was constantly
(02:12):
losing her temper with her kids.
She told me I don't want toyell, but it feels like it's my
only option when everything isfalling apart.
Here's what was reallyhappening in her nervous system,
and in yours too, and mine.
When we feel overwhelmed, whenwe perceive stress, that nervous
system we have activates thefight or flight response, and
(02:33):
we've talked about this so much.
I know you might be a littlesick of it, but I really think
it's important that we recognizethis is built into us.
It is turning on and offthroughout our day.
That isn't unusual.
So when you're stressed it'sgoing to pop on and that's not a
failure or a personal weakness.
It's part of that programmingthat keeps you alive.
(02:54):
It's a survival mechanism.
Your body's going to interpretfrustration loud noises,
constant demands Okay, all thosethings we have as mothers right
?
Your nervous system interpretsall those things as threats and
shifts us into this reactivestate automatically, without our
permission.
This means that when we findourselves yelling or feeling out
(03:16):
of control, it's not because wewant to be doing that, it's not
because we lack willpower even.
It's because our body isresponding to stress in the best
way it knows how.
That mama I was working withthis was the key component of us
turning that around.
Understanding this.
We worked on one simple change,just one adding a mindful pause
(03:40):
before reacting Instead ofimmediately yelling.
When she got frustrated, shetook a deep breath, three
seconds, just three seconds, tonotice her emotions before
responding.
Over time, those brief pauseshelped her shift from reacting
impulsively to responding moreintentionally.
Does that seem impossiblesometimes to you?
(04:02):
Sometimes, even when I teach it, I think this is a miracle that
we know how to do this, that wecan actually get good at doing
this.
But you guys, I have watchedmom after mom learn this skill
and I want to talk about thattoday, because you may have
never heard of this before, ormaybe you practice it every day.
Either way, we have to keepthis top of mind because too
(04:24):
many times we are just so hardon ourselves for the kinds of
responses that are coming fromour nervous system, and when we
stay in that place of self-blameand shame and owning it as if
it's a flaw in us, it doesn'tget better.
That only turns our threatsystem on more.
It's so much better torecognize this as a process, a
(04:44):
nervous system process, and tolearn how to work with your
nervous system.
And what a nervous system needsis a pause.
That pause helps us regulatethose emotions by creating a
moment or a second of awareness.
Instead of going straight intofight or flight, we're creating
space to calm our bodies downand choose a different response,
(05:06):
and this is why we use the wordmindfulness, because we are
mindful in the moment of what'sgoing on, even when it's not
pretty.
We're noticing and we'repausing, and these are very
compassionate practices.
Instead of beating ourselves up, kind of riding that crazy
train through the emotion thatjust takes over and gets us
(05:27):
yelling or gets us shutting down, we are starting to learn how
to drive that emotion because wehave a spacer between the
nervous system's response andwhat we choose to do.
And we start with mindfulnessbecause it allows us to be where
we are, to understand what'shappening and, ideally, what I'm
(05:47):
trying to sell you on is tooffer yourself the kindness that
you deserve so you can turn offthat threat system and decide
to respond in a way that worksso much better for you and for
your family.
When I talk about pausing, I'mnot suggesting this ideal Zen
state of perpetual calm.
I'm talking about a real lifepractice for real moms with real
(06:10):
feelings in the messiness ofeveryday life.
I'm talking about finding tinyspaces of possibility between
trigger and response, spacesthat we can practice growing
wider and wider as we get betterat this.
In that space is emotionalregulation.
(06:30):
We hear that word a lot in themental health field and also now
just in our general kinds ofconversations.
Emotional regulation is the key.
You guys, we're trying to teachit to our children and we're
trying to make sure we're usingit ourselves right.
It is the protection from thedamage that stress does.
It is the protection from thedamage to our relationships that
(06:54):
our getting dysregulated doeswhen we start to do things that
don't align with how we want toparent, like yell or storm out
of a room or withdraw and shutdown.
And we often think we have toreduce the stress externally so
that we can get this to happen.
But actually what we need to dohappens inside of us, which I
(07:16):
think is really good news,because I can't control all the
stress around me.
You get into a kitchen with abunch of kids on the road in
traffic.
Can you control the chaos andthe stress around you?
Maybe once in a while, maybeyou can get a few things running
orderly and get everybodymarching to the same drum in
(07:37):
some miraculous way once in awhile, but I raised five kids.
I couldn't ever get it tohappen every day.
So we've got to figure out away for us to calm and regulate
ourselves in the midst of thechaos.
Does that sound impossible?
Sometimes it feels impossible.
I know that I teach it and onthe regular I will often feel
(07:58):
like this just feels impossible.
However, it is not.
Let me take you inside yourbrain for a minute.
When you're stressed ortriggered, your amygdala that's
an alarm system that's in yourbrain.
It activates and it sendsstress hormones coursing through
your body.
Your prefrontal cortex is thepart of your brain that handles
(08:19):
your rational thinking and yourdecision-making, and when it
gets flooded, your whole bodygets flooded with all of this
cortisol and stress hormones.
Your prefrontal cortex doesn'twork as well as it normally does
.
We often say it goes offline.
Of course, it's not thatexactly that it really goes
offline, but it just does nottake the front seat in making
(08:41):
your decisions.
It's so hard to think clearlywhen you're upset, but when we
pause and take a deep breath, weactually create a physiological
shift and that counteracts allof those stress hormones.
Your parasympathetic nervoussystem gets activated and it
(09:02):
slows your heart rate down andit brings your prefrontal cortex
back online.
And isn't it amazing thatsomething as simple as a breath
can create such a profound shiftin your brain and your body?
People are researching this.
There are studies about this,and what most of them find is
that even brief mindfulnesspractices can reduce stress and
(09:23):
improve our cognitivefunctioning.
That's what we call that.
Prefrontal cortex is a cognitivefunction and this means that
those few seconds that we taketo breathe, to pause, before
reacting to a tantrum, or beforeraising our voice to a child,
or before letting the overwhelmkind of dictate what we do,
(09:43):
those few seconds to pause cangive our brain the space to
choose a thoughtful response.
Now we could still choose toyell, but it's our choice
instead of a reaction.
Beyond the research, I've seenthis power of pausing in
hundreds of moms.
I've worked with Women justlike you and me, who thought
(10:05):
they were doomed to reactivity,discovered that small pauses can
lead to profound shifts intheir ability to parent the way
they want to, and that theydon't just feel calmer, but they
feel more connected to theirkids, more aligned with their
values, more confident in howthey're parenting and so much
less self-critical and full ofshame.
(10:26):
The byproduct, of course, isthat, as they're emotionally
regulating themselves, they'remodeling it for their kids.
Every time you pause, you'restrengthening neural pathways in
your brain, literally rewiringthose default responses in your
(10:47):
brain, literally rewiring thosedefault responses.
What does a pause look like?
It could be a slow, deep breath.
As a matter of fact, breathingtends to be the number one way
that we start to practice thislittle bit of a pause.
But you can also pause bynoticing the ground beneath your
feet, mentally stepping backbefore you act, or even
physically stepping back.
Mentally stepping back beforeyou act, or even physically
stepping back, counting silentlyto three, whispering a phrase
(11:08):
to yourself, feeling thesensation of your hands,
observing emotions rising withinyou, without judgment.
It sounds small, but theselittle moments of awareness are
changing everything for usinside.
Pauses matter for us because weare often living the lives of
our children and I don't meanactually living their lives, but
(11:29):
as adults we're living withinthe realm of toddlers and
teenagers and all the stages inbetween, and our job is constant
and their emotions andstruggles are literally all
around us all the time and wedon't get breaks, maybe for a
few hours if you have kids inschool or you go to work, but
it's all waiting for you whenyou arrive back home together.
(11:52):
Right, there are a lot ofemotions going around, we're
swimming in them and I want youto think of your nervous system
kind of like a stress bucket.
Every frustration, everydeadline, every tantrum, every
demand fills it up and if younever drain that bucket it
overflows.
So pauses are like tinydrainage holes, letting stress
(12:12):
out in manageable amounts so youdon't reach that overflow point
.
One mom I worked with describedit this way Before I started
practicing pauses, I felt like Iwas always one step behind
myself, constantly reacting andthen regretting.
Do you ever feel that way?
I'm constantly reacting andthen constantly regretting it.
(12:34):
It's like this cycle ofself-punishment, right, like I
can't stop the cycle.
That's what she used to tell me.
And then she said, when Ilearned to pause, I started to
feel like I caught up again,like I was actually present in
my life while it was happening.
She said she could feel atrigger coming and then paused,
created a space around thetrigger before it kind of pushed
(12:59):
the automatic button and then,you know it kind of her stress
took over.
She found this tiny sliver ofwhat she called freedom between
what happens and how sheresponds to it.
That sliver of freedom isavailable to all of us and it
grows wider with our practice,creating more room for our
intentional choices as we parent.
(13:21):
Okay, so I want you to bethinking what does a pause look
like for you?
I think, first, it's importantto start with.
When do you get that sense offeeling overwhelmed?
Do you know what that feelslike in your body?
We spend a lot of time talkingabout identifying your emotions.
I love the emotional body scan.
What am I feeling?
(13:41):
Where is it in my body?
How big is it?
When you're feeling that highemotion, that's when you know
you need to take a pause,because emotions are the things
that cause us to act in the waythat we act.
So I want you to be thinkingabout where do you need a pause?
And when you have those bigemotions, do you notice how
(14:02):
quickly, right after the bigemotion, the frustration I mean,
it's never love and joy andgratitude that causes us to lose
our temper?
Right, it's those big, gnarlyemotions that tend to come up
like a volcano, and then wereact.
So I want you to pinpoint sometimes when that happens for you.
That's where you want a pause,and you don't need an hour of
(14:28):
meditation to bring mindfulnessand pauses into your life.
There's some simple ways to doit.
We're talking about pauses onthe run, we're talking about
pauses in the moment, pauses inthe middle, and the best way by
far to practice doing pauses isto work with your breath.
So I love the idea of athree-second breath you breathe
(14:50):
in and then you breathe out andyou kind of count mentally,
count to three, breathe in two,three and then exhale slowly.
This is worth practicing, youguys.
This slow, deep breath does somany things for you.
Not only does it delay yourreaction, it fills your body
(15:11):
with oxygen.
It tells your nervous systemthat you are safe enough to
pause and breathe.
If you have a wild animalchasing you, you are not going
to stop and take a slowthree-second breath, and your
nervous system knows that.
It senses that when you chooseconsciously to breathe slowly,
you are manually turning downthe threat system, and that is
(15:35):
so powerful.
So that's the first, easiestkind of baseline way to put a
space into your life to bemindful and to put a pause there
.
Let's talk about a couple ofother ways that you can pause.
At any point in the day you canpause and name one thing that
you're grateful for.
This is going to shift yourmindset literally in seconds.
(15:57):
Researchers study the chemicalsin the brain releasing dopamine
.
Serotonin when we have somekind of gratitude pass across
our thoughts and in our mind.
The feel-good neurotransmittershelp us counteract those stress
hormones.
When your emotions are runninghigh, you can place your hand on
(16:17):
your heart.
This touch activates your vagusnerve, which regulates your
nervous system.
It's also a powerfulself-compassion exercise.
When you put your hand on yourchest In between your activities
, those little transitionsbetween what you're doing
shifting from the car to thehouse or moving from room to
room, finishing an email orclearing a table I want you to
(16:41):
take a deep breath and noticeyour body.
These transition moments arenatural opportunities to reset.
I kind of think of them asclearing what's going on inside
before moving to the next thing.
These are just a couple ofexamples of how we can start to
look for spaces in between thethings that are going on in our
lives.
It's like sometimes I feel likewe're living in this one run on
(17:04):
sentence right when there's nocommas, there's no periods,
there's no dashes.
It's just one thing afteranother.
We go into activity afteractivity and emotion after
emotion.
So as you start to practiceputting little spaces in between
the things that you're doing,you're starting to train
yourself to manage the momentumin your life.
(17:27):
And there's another powerfultool that can help you pause in
the heat of the moment.
It's the emotional freedomtechnique, or EFT, and it's
sometimes called tapping.
This is something you can doanywhere in just a minute or two
, and it's sometimes calledtapping.
This is something you can doanywhere in just a minute or two
and it can bring your stresslevel down very quickly when you
feel yourself starting to getheightened or lose your patience
.
Eft combines this gentletapping on specific acupressure
(17:51):
points with calming thoughts orphrases that you combine with
that tapping, and the idea isthat when you stimulate these
points on your body, placeswhere energy pathways in your
body are close to the surface,you're sending a message of
safety and calm directly to yournervous system and you're
basically telling your brainit's okay, I don't need to be on
(18:11):
high alert.
And our research is showing usthat just five minutes of
tapping like this can reducecortisol, that stress hormone,
by as much as 40 or 50%, andthat's a big shift from such a
small action that you can doyourself.
So for moms, one of the easiestplaces for us to use the tapping
is on the collarbone point.
So let me walk through it withyou really quickly.
(18:33):
You can find this spot in yourcollarbone by placing your
fingers in the hollow of yourkind of throat in between the
space where your two collarbonescome together and then slightly
go to the right or to the left,just a few fingers, and
there'll be a slightly tenderspot there.
That's the spot that we'relooking for, and you don't have
(18:54):
to stay on that spot perfectly,but you're going to take four
fingers not your thumb, justfour fingers and lightly tap on
that spot and take a slow breathin and out, and as you breathe
you're going to be continuallytapping on that point with your
four fingers and just keeping asteady rhythm, not too hard,
(19:15):
just enough that you feel it.
And while you tap, you can thensay that calming phrase to
yourself, something like I canhandle this, this is just a
minute, this is not forever.
I'm safe, I'm capable.
I get to choose how I respond.
I want you to pick a phrase thatresonates with you the
combination of tapping andtaking a breath and using these
(19:39):
affirmations, these affirmingwords.
They help you anchor your pauseand it helps you calm both your
body and your mind.
When you do this, you'reactively shifting your
physiology.
You're moving from fight orflight into a calmer, more
centered state, and we all needmore of that, don't we?
So here's my invitation thenext time you feel tension
(19:59):
rising in your body, in thoseemotions, I want you to just
pause, take a breath andremember some of the simple
tools we've talked about forcreating space for us in the
middle of our busiest moments.
Remember, you don't need an hourof quiet or a perfect routine,
just a few seconds to make a bigdifference.
You could take a three secondbreath, letting your inhale and
(20:22):
exhale reset that nervous system.
You can place your hand on yourheart, reminding yourself that
you're safe, that you'resupported.
You could pause to notice onething you're grateful for.
You could shift that mindtowards steadiness and
perspective, and you can trytapping gently on your
collarbone point to combine abreath and those affirming words
to calm your body and yourthoughts.
(20:44):
If you'd like some extraguidance on understanding how to
do that tapping, I've recordeda short video demonstration to
walk you through the techniquestep-by-step, so you can find it
by going to my website andclicking on this episode's show
notes, and you can download thatdemonstration and it will give
you a clear picture of where totap and how to use it when you
need it the most.
So remember, pausing isn'tabout being Zen, it's about
(21:08):
giving yourself space, that'sall, to come back to calm so you
can show up as the person thatyou want to be and just take
care of yourself.
Give yourself that space tofeel better, and every time you
do this you will bestrengthening those pathways and
strengthening your resilience.
I'd love to hear how this goesfor you.
Please let me know.
You can send me an email, lee,at leegermancom, and check out
(21:32):
that video so you can learn howto calm your body down very
quickly with that tappingexercise.
We all need to learn how tocalm your body down very quickly
with that tapping exercise.
We all need to learn how to dothis so we can take really good
care of ourselves and then takegood care of our families.
I'll see y'all next week.
Take care, if you feel likethese ideas really speak to you
but you're not sure how toactually apply them in your own
(21:54):
life, I want you to know youdon't have to do it alone.
I'm currently opening a fewone-to-one coaching spots for
moms who are ready to go deeperand get personalized support as
they build their own resilience.
This is where we takeeverything we talk about here
and we tailor it to your life,your story, your goals.
If that sounds like somethingyou're craving, just head to
(22:14):
leighgermancom and click onone-to-one coaching, we'll set
up a free call to talk aboutwhere you are, where you want to
be and whether coaching is theright next step for you.
You can always find me onInstagram, at leighgerman, or on
my website, at leighgermancom.
(22:35):
The Leadership Parenting Podcastis for general information
purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal, medical or therapeutic
(22:56):
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
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