September 24, 2025 • 28 mins
Motherhood often comes with a silent struggle that few dare name: the overwhelming feeling of depletion that can leave you feeling like a shadow of yourself. Even when we love our children fiercely, the constant giving without replenishment leads many mothers to a state of burnout that affects every aspect of life.
This powerful episode delves into why so many mothers feel worn down and what to do about it. We explore the science behind maternal depletion – how your emotional, mental and physical energy can be drained faster than it's replenished, especially under the weight of modern parenting expectations. You'll discover that these feelings aren't signs of failure but natural responses to unsustainable demands.
Whether you're in the depths of burnout or simply feeling the first signs of depletion, this episode provides the validation, permission, and practical tools to begin your journey back to wholeness. Remember: this is your life too, and you deserve to experience it fully, not just survive it.
If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:
https://leighgermann.com
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Do you ever feel a little bit tired and resentful,
even when you love your kids sodeeply?
Well, you're not alone.
So many moms silently carryexhaustion, resentment and the
sense of disappearing under theweight of doing it all.
And today we're naming what somany feel but rarely say out
loud.
This is Leadership Parenting,episode 111, why Moms Feel
(00:22):
Depleted and how to Feel Better.
111, why Moms Feel Depleted andhow to Feel Better.
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
(00:44):
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hello friends, so happy to bewith you here today.
(01:06):
Today we have another questionand answer episode on a very
important topic that I thinkapplies to all of us at one time
or another.
So I'd love to read you thequestion.
You know we get questions fromlisteners and I pull questions
from the women that I'm workingwith in sessions over the week
and I really like to find any ofthe questions that come in that
I think need to be spoken outloud.
(01:27):
So many of us have thesequestions and we don't talk
about them with each other.
So this is a great opportunityto send in an anonymous question
and get a little bit of airtimewith it.
So I want to read this questionbecause I'm really proud of
this mom for sending it in here.
It is Hi Lee.
I feel so guilty even sayingthis, but I've been feeling
(01:48):
really worn down lately.
I love my kids I really do buteverything feels heavy right now
.
I'm tired all the time.
I get frustrated so easily.
Sometimes I even feel resentful, like I'm giving everything I
have and it's still not enough.
What's wrong with me?
Am I missing something?
I don't want to feel this way.
I kind of feel like I'm lettingmy kids down and I'm letting
myself down.
(02:09):
Well, if you've ever felt thatache inside or that kind of
nudge inside that sayssomething's wrong, but I can't
put my finger on it, I just wantyou to know that you're not
alone.
I want to give a shout out tothis mom for her bravery and her
courage, because I think whatshe's saying is something that
(02:29):
we all have a hard time sayingout loud that being a mother is
not easy.
It's often has two pieces to it.
It's that feeling of I'mgrateful and I chose this, but
I'm also exhausted and I don'tknow if I love this so much.
You know, I love my kids, butI'm losing pieces of myself and
I'm tired.
I'm really tired.
(02:50):
So thanks to this mom forspeaking something that I think
we all have thought, at leastmaybe said out loud, something
that is really helpful for us totalk about today.
And I want to explore this withsome gentleness, but also a
little bit of curiosity andhopefully, ideally, with some
optimism and some hope, becauseI think what's happening is that
(03:13):
we have love and exhaustion,that kind of show up side by
side, and I think we need tostart with this that it's normal
to love our children deeply andsometimes feel completely
overwhelmed by all of thedemands of caring for them.
These two things can live sideby side.
In fact, it's often because wecare so much and give so much
(03:37):
that we feel this worn down.
And there's a name for what manymoms are describing.
Few have been taught it torecognize it, but there's a name
for it, and that is depletion.
Specifically, we can also callit burnout.
Now, I know that word mightsound a little clinical, maybe
even a little scary, but burnoutisn't reserved for people with
(04:00):
high powered careers or 80 hourwork weeks.
Here's what I wish someone hadtold me years ago Burnout is not
a character flaw.
It's not a sign that we're notcut out for this, especially
with motherhood, it's actuallyyour nervous system waving a
little white flag saying, hey, Ineed some support over here.
Depletion can happen when youremotional, mental and physical
(04:23):
energy are being depleted fasterthan they're being replenished,
and for us as moms, that'soften daily in our reality,
especially when we're constantlygiving, constantly carrying the
emotional load constantly on.
So let's talk for a secondabout what burnout or depletion
really feels like, because Idon't know that.
(04:43):
It's always obvious to us whenwe're depleted.
It can sneak up slowly.
It doesn't usually announceitself like with flashing lights
.
It builds little by littleuntil one day we realize that we
feel chronically tired, nomatter how much sleep we get,
where we're easily irritated bysmall things the noise, the mess
, the requests.
(05:04):
Maybe we feel numb ordisconnected, or like we're on
autopilot.
We might have thoughts like Ican't do this anymore.
No one notices what I'm doing.
Why does this feel so hard?
We can feel guilty for wantinga break and even more guilty for
taking one.
We might be fantasizing aboutescape we talked about this in a
(05:24):
couple of episodes ago, right,just a few days alone or getting
sick so someone else can comeand take over.
Essentially, we could stopfeeling like ourselves, and
here's one that might surpriseyou you might find yourself
going through the motions ofactivities you used to love,
even the sweet things likebedtime stories or family
dinners or even hugs, butfeeling kind of disconnected,
(05:48):
maybe from the joy, from thefeelings that once brought.
It's like it's watching yourlife through somebody else's
glasses.
I want you to think about howthis might show up for you at
different times in your life,and I want you to also hear very
clearly that this does not meanthat something's wrong with you
or that you are weak or thatyou are failing.
(06:09):
You're probably just trying tofunction under conditions that
are maybe not long-termsustainable.
You may be a little burned out,and recognizing this is not
defeat.
It's actually the first step infeeling better, and we call
that taking a first step infeeling better.
We call that wisdom.
It's the first step towardfinding your way back to
(06:32):
yourself, and I think that thereare hidden costs of us always
being on.
I mean, let's take a look at areal day in the life of a mom.
Think about what that entailsGetting up early, taking care of
kids' needs, all the meals, allthe running people around.
You might be juggling anotherjob or volunteer position.
(06:54):
We've got all of the concernsthat are going on in our
marriages, the financialdecisions and then all of the
things we talk about here onthis podcast right, like the
emotional responsibilities wehave with our children, how
we're teaching them not justkind of the basics like how to
(07:15):
walk and tie their shoes and gettheir homework done, but also
how to process their emotionsand deal with difficult
relationship decisions,especially as they get older.
It seems like the things on ourplate keep increasing not only
in number but also in weight.
I think some of the things wedon't recognize is the emotional
(07:37):
load we carry.
We did another episode a coupleof weeks back on mental load,
the things that we carry thatmaybe we don't even have written
down on a list, like being theemotional thermostat for our
family.
When someone's upset, we'reregulating them.
When there's conflict, we'remediating.
When plans change, we'readapting and trying to help
(07:59):
everyone else with thatadaptation.
And by the evening time afterbedtime and the cleanup and the
prep for the next day, I thinkyou know, collapsing on the
couch or wherever it is, yourelax, if you even get that
before it's time to go to bed.
I think that's a pretty commonexperience for us as moms, and
even then, a lot of times ourmind is still running, still
(08:22):
planning, still carrying thatmental load, and that's, you
know, another name for that iscalled cognitive overload.
And here's what most of usdon't realize Our brains were
not designed to hold this muchwithout a break.
That's the key.
When I work with moms and wetalk about the things on their
(08:43):
plate, honestly, you guys, westart to try to offload things
and sometimes it feels like wecan't get a lot off the plate,
right.
Maybe there are a few thingsthat are not necessary, but most
of what we're doing feels likeit's non-negotiable, and I think
that may be one of the thingsthat's the most discouraging
(09:04):
when we're talking aboutdepletion or feeling burned out
is.
It's like it puts us to that,in that place where we have to
decide what are we going to letgo of, and because we care about
the stuff that we've set up inour lives, that's a really hard
question and so I don't knowthat I want to go there as the
main source of our solution, ofwhat we're doing to handle this
(09:26):
feeling of burnout and depletion.
I think that the key comes inthe idea of understanding that
we need a break once in a while.
We've normalized this pace oflife that would have been
considered impossible for mostof us through human history.
All of the things that we cando now because things are
(09:46):
virtual and we can multitask.
We're doing things on the goand we don't live in a world
where we raise our kids and theyall stay close to home and just
play outside all day.
When I was raising my children,we have a very dear friend who's
the oldest of 10 children andhe called one day and said hey,
how are you doing?
I was just thinking about youand I said to him I honestly do
(10:10):
not know how your mother did it,and I think back when I think
of that conversation.
I think when I remember thefeeling I had when he called and
said how are you doing?
I remember that rush ofoverwhelm.
So I think you guys, right inthat moment when he asked me how
I was doing, I was in thatdepleted state and I was voicing
it to him.
(10:30):
I said I don't know how yourmother did it With 10 children.
I have half that number and Ijust some days don't think I can
even make it.
And he said, lee, I think youneed to use a little bit of a
different lens with this,because when his mother was
raising children she hardly leftthe house.
The kids didn't have activitiesall day long.
(10:51):
He said she didn't dometiculous laundry, she did all
the laundry and then she putlike all the socks in one big
box and all the underwear inanother big box and the kids
kind of went and found what theyneeded.
Another big box and the kidskind of went and found what they
needed and she made big batchesof food and everybody helped.
And it was not the multitaskingthat we do today, it was not
(11:12):
the multiple activities andrunning from thing to thing.
And I think that we're seeing anincrease in depletion and
burnout because we live in aworld that has really high
expectations, because we live ina world that has really high
expectations.
There's also a message that, asgood moms, we shouldn't be
tired, we shouldn't beoverwhelmed, and I think what's
(11:38):
really heartbreaking is that welearn this message so young we
don't even recognize it as achoice that we can think another
way.
I think it's just how we thinkwe're supposed to be
self-sacrificing, alwaysavailable, endlessly giving.
So that conversation with myfriend was so eye-opening to see
this successful family that Iknow his mother had raised and
(11:59):
that she actually didn'tabsolutely wear herself out in
getting that done.
I don't know, maybe we talkedto her and she would tell a
different story, but thisconversation with him really
gave me permission to start todo things a little bit
differently and not be so hardon myself.
And that's what I want to dowith you guys today.
I want you to look at howyou're feeling when you feel
(12:22):
overwhelmed and depleted andmaybe consider that you might be
a little bit burned out and askyourself where do I fit in this
equation?
What if I could take some timeto take care of myself?
What if?
Maybe this is a sign that Ineed to stop for a second and
ask what do I need?
(12:42):
And here's another questionwhat if modeling self-compassion
for me as a mom could beanother great gift that I give
my child?
I love these questions becausethey start to move us into a
solution mode where we can startthinking, instead of this is a
sign that something is wrongwith me, we start thinking this
(13:05):
is a sign that some action needsto happen, that there's a
mismatch between the demandsthat I'm facing and the
resources that are supporting me, and that's not just for
external support.
I also think that plays into theexpectations that we carry in
our heads, the pressure that wehave to be perfect, to kind of
never drop a ball, to meet everyneed.
(13:27):
With a smile and think about it.
We have more parentinginformation than any generation
before us, but somehow that'smade us feel more like we need
to do more and not less.
We've turned motherhood intothis performance instead of a
very natural relationship thathas two parties our kids and us.
And when motherhood turns intoa performance just outcome-based
(13:52):
, in service of our children andnot that relationship, that
pressure is going to wear usdown.
So it's not your fault, but itis an invitation to start caring
for yourself with the samecompassion that you are really
offering everyone else aroundyou.
So you know what gets in theway of us going in this
direction.
I know already, because I'vedone this hundreds of times with
(14:13):
women, the myth that there is aperfect model of motherhood
that we should be kind ofcopying, that we should be that
model of motherhood where thehouse is always clean and the
kids are always smiling andeverybody has everything figured
out.
That is a myth.
Those moms do not exist.
I know this because I've talkedto hundreds, probably thousands
(14:36):
of moms and here's what I'velearned the ones who look like
they have it all together areoften the ones holding on the
tightest, trying the hardest,feeling the most pressure to
maintain that image, becauseperfect moms don't exist.
They never have.
But somehow we've created thisimpossible standard and then
beat ourselves up when we can'tmeet it.
So we've got to get clear thatyour worth as a mom is not
(14:58):
measured by your child'sbehavior, your house's
cleanliness, how put togetheryou appear.
It's measured by your love,your presence and your
willingness to keep growingright alongside your children.
So let's talk about what to do.
I know I get on a soapbox aboutthat, I'm sorry.
I just get so passionate aboutthe pain I see women going
(15:21):
through when they feel so alonewith this.
So we're turning that around,we're busting that myth.
Let's talk about what to do whenyou start recognizing that you
might be a little bit in thisplace, when you notice yourself
thinking something's off.
I don't feel like myselfanymore, I'm feeling a little
bit resentful, I'm tired, Idon't feel good.
Okay, here's a few steps.
(15:42):
Number one recognize what'sreally going on.
Instead of pushing the feelingsdown, blaming yourself for them
, name what's happening.
Say it just, even gently.
I think I might be a littledepleted, I might need a little
something, I might be carrying alot.
That alone creates space for ashift.
(16:04):
And if you're worried thatnaming it will make it worse, it
won't.
Secrets shame, keeping it quiet.
All of that really is whathurts us.
Truth and acknowledgement iswhat sets us free.
It opens the door to start tomake some change.
Step number two let go of theshame.
(16:25):
There is no prize for runningon empty.
There is no gold star forburnout.
You don't have to earn yourright to rest.
You don't have to justify yourneed for care.
You're a human being, not amachine.
You would not expect your phoneto run at full brightness and
energy all day without charging.
Why do we expect that ofourselves?
(16:49):
Number three rebuild thefoundation one brick at a time.
What does that mean for you?
If I said your foundation mightneed a little attention, what
does that mean to you?
Here are my thoughts on that.
Are you getting enough sleep?
Do you eat regularly?
Are you drinking enough water?
(17:11):
Do you get outside a little bit?
Do you give yourself even fiveminutes without noise?
These sound really small, but Ireally think they're the bricks
of that foundation that help uswith recovery and they actually
are very insulative orprotective against burnout.
You don't need a spa weekendand if you can get one, I would
(17:34):
grab it but you don't need a bigticket item to get out of
depletion.
You just need to pause, youneed a breath and you need
permission to honor your needs.
So I want you to think aboutthat foundation.
What feels a little shaky toyou?
And start with just one thing.
(17:55):
Maybe it's going right now andgetting a big glass of water.
Maybe, before you check yourphone in the morning, you get up
and you wash your face and youstretch a little.
Maybe it's stepping outside fora couple of really deep breaths
before you start dinner.
Did you know you could do that?
You don't have to run from onething to the next.
(18:16):
These small steps create reallybig changes over time.
Okay, step number four bigchanges over time.
Okay, step number four.
When you're burned out ordepleted, it's often hard to ask
for help, but it's even harderI'm going to tell you to keep
carrying everything silently.
So I want you to step back fora minute and ask where could I
(18:37):
get a little bit of support?
Is there one thing that youcould delegate or share, whether
it's with your partner, with afriend or even with your kids,
if they're old enough?
Let the words I need become anormal part of your vocabulary.
Does that feel odd to you orselfish to you?
You know, sometimes we knowpeople that are very comfortable
(19:00):
with saying what they need,sometimes to the extent that it
feels like they don't care aboutwhat other people need.
We tend to kind of villainizespeaking up for what we need, as
either, you know, it's verynoble to not speak about it or
it's very wrong to continuallyask people to do things for you.
We just did an episode recentlyon all or nothing thinking for
(19:25):
you.
We just did an episode recentlyon all or nothing, thinking so
easy to fall into all or nothing.
Thinking around what your needsare and expressing them.
So we're just talking aboutpicking one or two things that
maybe you could use some extrahelp with and then letting the
words I need or I could reallyuse become a normal part of your
vocabulary.
So I want you to practicesaying these phrases until they
(19:46):
feel natural Ready.
I need 10 minutes to regroup.
I need some help with dinnertonight.
I need a little break.
Would you help me with bedtimeso I can rest?
The basic message here is thatwhen you start feeling alone,
it's so important to bust thatopen and not be alone with it
anymore.
(20:08):
Okay, number five build in areset moment each day.
Here's a one minute resetpractice you can use anywhere.
Put your hand on your heart,close your eyes for 10 seconds,
take a deep breath, say toyourself I'm allowed to rest.
You can even set a timer toremind yourself once a day to do
(20:28):
this.
Did you know that when you putyour hand on your chest like
that, areas in your brain lightup as if you've been given a hug
?
Now, knowing that you've got ahug in your hand, that you can
give yourself that kind ofconnection.
It's more than just a hug.
That's nice.
What that does is physicaltouch.
It does connection in ourbodies and it gives us a sense
(20:51):
that we're actually safe.
So if you can get a hug, Iwould take it a hundred times
over.
But if you don't have thatoption and sometimes you don't
need that option you just needyourself, to stay with yourself,
to put your hand on your heart,close your eyes, take a deep
breath and say I'm allowed torest.
I think you can add to thatwhat do I need?
(21:13):
And throughout the day, itdoesn't have to be that you put
your hand on your chest.
It could be just a deep breathand a long, slow exhale and a
little question what do I needright now?
Step number six let's getreconnected to the things that
matter most to us.
You know our depletion and ourburnout often show up when we
(21:36):
are very disconnected from thethings that matter most to us.
And I know that sounds a littlestrange because of course we're
doing a lot of things thatreally matter to us.
We're taking care of our kids,we're making meals, we're
working.
We're doing all of the thingsthat we care about, of course.
But I'm talking about some ofthe things that you might be
disconnected from within you andyour life, that really fuel you
(22:01):
.
So I want you to ask yourselfwhat do I miss about me?
What lights me up even a littlebit?
So I want you to think back toa minute when you truly felt
like yourself, when you were amom.
Maybe it was reading a bedtimestory or having a dance party,
or baking, or just sittingquietly on the front steps of
(22:22):
your porch.
What was different about thatmoment and how can you create a
little more space in your dayand in your life for moments
like that, where you feel alittle more like yourself?
Rebuilding starts by coming backto your center.
I think that's why the hand onthe chest is so powerful.
We're getting centered back towho we are underneath all of the
(22:45):
chaos and the demands and, fromthat place, getting clear and
looking at what we might need.
And then, step number seventalking to someone.
Sometimes burnout runs deep andif you're feeling stuck or low,
like this has been going on fortoo long, I think it really
helps to talk to somebody aboutit.
(23:05):
That's often the reason whypeople reach out and make an
appointment with a therapist orgo to a support group or even
just get involved with a friendgroup where you're able to have
some trusted friends that canhelp you navigate this and talk
through it.
Your mom may have been throughthis, you may have sisters that
(23:26):
are going through it and if youdon't, don't worry, there are
plenty of us around you that youprobably don't know about that
are also feeling this way.
We shouldn't try to go thisalone, and I think that the more
we talk about it with eachother, the less stigmatizing it
will be, the less shame we'llfeel about it.
Of course, we could talk aboutall the wonderful things we love
about motherhood, and we should, but also make room for that
(23:49):
real feeling that can reallycome from when we get worn out
and feel alone.
And if you're thinking that youdon't have time for any of this
, or that your family won't beable to put up with it because
they need you to keep going,going, going, I want you to
remember that when you do this,you're not taking away from your
family.
You're actually.
(24:09):
It's an investment and it helpsyour family because you're
feeling better.
It's more than just getting arest once in a while.
It's about putting things inplace in a systematic way that
gives you periods of time ofrecovery or of interesting
things that you wanna do orplaces where you're able to show
(24:29):
up as who you are in the middleof your mothering.
So this might mean that youneed to make space for this.
You might have to say no tosome commitments that don't
align as close to your values.
It might mean that you need tolower your expectations a little
bit, a little bit of yourstandards in some areas so you
can be more present for yourselfand others.
(24:51):
It might mean having honestconversations with your family
about sharing responsibilities.
Remember, you're not trying todo less because you're lazy.
You're trying to do less so youcan show up as the person you
actually want to be and enjoythis period of your life when
you're raising children.
I think the power is the rippleeffect that this has on our
(25:11):
families.
When we start addressing theburnout that we feel, your whole
family benefits.
Because you're less depleted,you're more patient.
When you're more patient,you're more connected.
When you're more connected,your children feel more secure.
When your children feel moresecure, everything thrives.
So your healing creates aripple effect of health in your
(25:32):
family.
I want to say this again Ifyou're in the thick of parenting
tired, stretched, feeling alittle bit of a shadow of
yourself you are not failing.
You are feeling the cost ofcare without replenishment, and
that's something we can work on,that's something you can heal
from.
You are allowed to need stuff,you're allowed to rest, you are
(25:54):
allowed to come home to yourselfand you are allowed to be a
work in progress.
You do not have to figure allthis out today.
You just have to take the nextsmall, kind step toward caring
for yourself.
So to our listener, there's aphrase in her question.
Let me read it again.
Sometimes I feel resentful,like I'm giving everything I
(26:15):
have and it's still not enough.
And then she says what's wrongwith me?
So the answer nothing.
Nothing's wrong with you Givingeverything you have and it's
still not enough.
That's because you're in thewrong model.
Giving everything you have willnever be enough, because you're
not responsible to giveeverything you have.
Everything you have isn't goingto be enough to solve every
(26:37):
problem that your family faces.
It's enough to burn you out,and so we want you to be able to
front load the care that youneed.
So, sweet mama, ask yourselfwhat do I need?
What am I most desperate for?
I couldn't begin to guess foreach one of you, for all of you,
(26:57):
what the thing is that you need.
But I promise you this if youask yourself and you quietly
listen and it might take you acouple of times of asking and a
little bit of time to get usedto the answer coming, but if you
do it, it will come.
And if you can honor that anddo one small thing to start to
(27:20):
replenish and restore, it willpay off, because the depletion
and the exhaustion will lift.
Will you still be tired?
Yes, because this is a reallydemanding job.
But will you be burned out?
The answer, hopefully, is no.
That's what we're going for.
So I hope that answers thisquestion.
(27:41):
I hope that it gets your mindthinking on ideas of what you
can do to fill your own bucket alittle bit, because this is
your life too.
I just love that thought.
You're raising children andwe're gifting huge amounts of
time, decades of our lives, toour children, but you know what,
guys, you don't get thosedecades back.
(28:02):
This is also your life.
We can, in tandem, take care ofour family and take care of
ourself.
Thank you for the question.
Thank you for the time that weget to spend today and I look
forward to talking to you allnext week.
Take care If you feel likethese ideas really speak to you
(28:23):
but you're not sure how toactually apply them in your own
life, I want you to know youdon't have to do it alone.
I'm currently opening a fewone-to-one coaching spots for
moms who are ready to go deeperand get personalized support as
they build their own resilience.
This is where we takeeverything we talk about here
and we tailor it to your life,your story, your goals.
(28:43):
If that sounds like somethingyou're craving, just head to
leighgermancom and click onone-to-one coaching.
We'll set up a free call totalk about where you are, where
you wanna be and whethercoaching is the right next step
for you.
You can always find me onInstagram, at leighgerman, or on
(29:05):
my website at leighgermancom.
The Leadership ParentingPodcast is for general
information purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal medical or therapeutic
(29:28):
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
Do you ever feel a little bit tired and resentful,
even when you love your kids sodeeply?
Well, you're not alone.
So many moms silently carryexhaustion, resentment and the
sense of disappearing under theweight of doing it all.
And today we're naming what somany feel but rarely say out
loud.
This is Leadership Parenting,episode 111, why Moms Feel
(00:22):
Depleted and how to Feel Better.
111, why Moms Feel Depleted andhow to Feel Better.
Did you know that resilience isthe key to confidence and joy?
As moms, it's what we want forour kids, but it's also what we
need for ourselves.
My name is Leigh Gurman, I'm atherapist and I'm a mom.
Join me as we explore theskills you need to know to be
(00:44):
confident and joyful.
Then get ready to teach theseskills to your kids.
This is Leadership Parenting,where you learn how to lead your
family by showing them the way.
Hello friends, so happy to bewith you here today.
(01:06):
Today we have another questionand answer episode on a very
important topic that I thinkapplies to all of us at one time
or another.
So I'd love to read you thequestion.
You know we get questions fromlisteners and I pull questions
from the women that I'm workingwith in sessions over the week
and I really like to find any ofthe questions that come in that
I think need to be spoken outloud.
(01:27):
So many of us have thesequestions and we don't talk
about them with each other.
So this is a great opportunityto send in an anonymous question
and get a little bit of airtimewith it.
So I want to read this questionbecause I'm really proud of
this mom for sending it in here.
It is Hi Lee.
I feel so guilty even sayingthis, but I've been feeling
(01:48):
really worn down lately.
I love my kids I really do buteverything feels heavy right now
.
I'm tired all the time.
I get frustrated so easily.
Sometimes I even feel resentful, like I'm giving everything I
have and it's still not enough.
What's wrong with me?
Am I missing something?
I don't want to feel this way.
I kind of feel like I'm lettingmy kids down and I'm letting
myself down.
(02:09):
Well, if you've ever felt thatache inside or that kind of
nudge inside that sayssomething's wrong, but I can't
put my finger on it, I just wantyou to know that you're not
alone.
I want to give a shout out tothis mom for her bravery and her
courage, because I think whatshe's saying is something that
(02:29):
we all have a hard time sayingout loud that being a mother is
not easy.
It's often has two pieces to it.
It's that feeling of I'mgrateful and I chose this, but
I'm also exhausted and I don'tknow if I love this so much.
You know, I love my kids, butI'm losing pieces of myself and
I'm tired.
I'm really tired.
(02:50):
So thanks to this mom forspeaking something that I think
we all have thought, at leastmaybe said out loud, something
that is really helpful for us totalk about today.
And I want to explore this withsome gentleness, but also a
little bit of curiosity andhopefully, ideally, with some
optimism and some hope, becauseI think what's happening is that
(03:13):
we have love and exhaustion,that kind of show up side by
side, and I think we need tostart with this that it's normal
to love our children deeply andsometimes feel completely
overwhelmed by all of thedemands of caring for them.
These two things can live sideby side.
In fact, it's often because wecare so much and give so much
(03:37):
that we feel this worn down.
And there's a name for what manymoms are describing.
Few have been taught it torecognize it, but there's a name
for it, and that is depletion.
Specifically, we can also callit burnout.
Now, I know that word mightsound a little clinical, maybe
even a little scary, but burnoutisn't reserved for people with
(04:00):
high powered careers or 80 hourwork weeks.
Here's what I wish someone hadtold me years ago Burnout is not
a character flaw.
It's not a sign that we're notcut out for this, especially
with motherhood, it's actuallyyour nervous system waving a
little white flag saying, hey, Ineed some support over here.
Depletion can happen when youremotional, mental and physical
(04:23):
energy are being depleted fasterthan they're being replenished,
and for us as moms, that'soften daily in our reality,
especially when we're constantlygiving, constantly carrying the
emotional load constantly on.
So let's talk for a secondabout what burnout or depletion
really feels like, because Idon't know that.
(04:43):
It's always obvious to us whenwe're depleted.
It can sneak up slowly.
It doesn't usually announceitself like with flashing lights
.
It builds little by littleuntil one day we realize that we
feel chronically tired, nomatter how much sleep we get,
where we're easily irritated bysmall things the noise, the mess
, the requests.
(05:04):
Maybe we feel numb ordisconnected, or like we're on
autopilot.
We might have thoughts like Ican't do this anymore.
No one notices what I'm doing.
Why does this feel so hard?
We can feel guilty for wantinga break and even more guilty for
taking one.
We might be fantasizing aboutescape we talked about this in a
(05:24):
couple of episodes ago, right,just a few days alone or getting
sick so someone else can comeand take over.
Essentially, we could stopfeeling like ourselves, and
here's one that might surpriseyou you might find yourself
going through the motions ofactivities you used to love,
even the sweet things likebedtime stories or family
dinners or even hugs, butfeeling kind of disconnected,
(05:48):
maybe from the joy, from thefeelings that once brought.
It's like it's watching yourlife through somebody else's
glasses.
I want you to think about howthis might show up for you at
different times in your life,and I want you to also hear very
clearly that this does not meanthat something's wrong with you
or that you are weak or thatyou are failing.
(06:09):
You're probably just trying tofunction under conditions that
are maybe not long-termsustainable.
You may be a little burned out,and recognizing this is not
defeat.
It's actually the first step infeeling better, and we call
that taking a first step infeeling better.
We call that wisdom.
It's the first step towardfinding your way back to
(06:32):
yourself, and I think that thereare hidden costs of us always
being on.
I mean, let's take a look at areal day in the life of a mom.
Think about what that entailsGetting up early, taking care of
kids' needs, all the meals, allthe running people around.
You might be juggling anotherjob or volunteer position.
(06:54):
We've got all of the concernsthat are going on in our
marriages, the financialdecisions and then all of the
things we talk about here onthis podcast right, like the
emotional responsibilities wehave with our children, how
we're teaching them not justkind of the basics like how to
(07:15):
walk and tie their shoes and gettheir homework done, but also
how to process their emotionsand deal with difficult
relationship decisions,especially as they get older.
It seems like the things on ourplate keep increasing not only
in number but also in weight.
I think some of the things wedon't recognize is the emotional
(07:37):
load we carry.
We did another episode a coupleof weeks back on mental load,
the things that we carry thatmaybe we don't even have written
down on a list, like being theemotional thermostat for our
family.
When someone's upset, we'reregulating them.
When there's conflict, we'remediating.
When plans change, we'readapting and trying to help
(07:59):
everyone else with thatadaptation.
And by the evening time afterbedtime and the cleanup and the
prep for the next day, I thinkyou know, collapsing on the
couch or wherever it is, yourelax, if you even get that
before it's time to go to bed.
I think that's a pretty commonexperience for us as moms, and
even then, a lot of times ourmind is still running, still
(08:22):
planning, still carrying thatmental load, and that's, you
know, another name for that iscalled cognitive overload.
And here's what most of usdon't realize Our brains were
not designed to hold this muchwithout a break.
That's the key.
When I work with moms and wetalk about the things on their
(08:43):
plate, honestly, you guys, westart to try to offload things
and sometimes it feels like wecan't get a lot off the plate,
right.
Maybe there are a few thingsthat are not necessary, but most
of what we're doing feels likeit's non-negotiable, and I think
that may be one of the thingsthat's the most discouraging
(09:04):
when we're talking aboutdepletion or feeling burned out
is.
It's like it puts us to that,in that place where we have to
decide what are we going to letgo of, and because we care about
the stuff that we've set up inour lives, that's a really hard
question and so I don't knowthat I want to go there as the
main source of our solution, ofwhat we're doing to handle this
(09:26):
feeling of burnout and depletion.
I think that the key comes inthe idea of understanding that
we need a break once in a while.
We've normalized this pace oflife that would have been
considered impossible for mostof us through human history.
All of the things that we cando now because things are
(09:46):
virtual and we can multitask.
We're doing things on the goand we don't live in a world
where we raise our kids and theyall stay close to home and just
play outside all day.
When I was raising my children,we have a very dear friend who's
the oldest of 10 children andhe called one day and said hey,
how are you doing?
I was just thinking about youand I said to him I honestly do
(10:10):
not know how your mother did it,and I think back when I think
of that conversation.
I think when I remember thefeeling I had when he called and
said how are you doing?
I remember that rush ofoverwhelm.
So I think you guys, right inthat moment when he asked me how
I was doing, I was in thatdepleted state and I was voicing
it to him.
(10:30):
I said I don't know how yourmother did it With 10 children.
I have half that number and Ijust some days don't think I can
even make it.
And he said, lee, I think youneed to use a little bit of a
different lens with this,because when his mother was
raising children she hardly leftthe house.
The kids didn't have activitiesall day long.
(10:51):
He said she didn't dometiculous laundry, she did all
the laundry and then she putlike all the socks in one big
box and all the underwear inanother big box and the kids
kind of went and found what theyneeded.
Another big box and the kidskind of went and found what they
needed and she made big batchesof food and everybody helped.
And it was not the multitaskingthat we do today, it was not
(11:12):
the multiple activities andrunning from thing to thing.
And I think that we're seeing anincrease in depletion and
burnout because we live in aworld that has really high
expectations, because we live ina world that has really high
expectations.
There's also a message that, asgood moms, we shouldn't be
tired, we shouldn't beoverwhelmed, and I think what's
(11:38):
really heartbreaking is that welearn this message so young we
don't even recognize it as achoice that we can think another
way.
I think it's just how we thinkwe're supposed to be
self-sacrificing, alwaysavailable, endlessly giving.
So that conversation with myfriend was so eye-opening to see
this successful family that Iknow his mother had raised and
(11:59):
that she actually didn'tabsolutely wear herself out in
getting that done.
I don't know, maybe we talkedto her and she would tell a
different story, but thisconversation with him really
gave me permission to start todo things a little bit
differently and not be so hardon myself.
And that's what I want to dowith you guys today.
I want you to look at howyou're feeling when you feel
(12:22):
overwhelmed and depleted andmaybe consider that you might be
a little bit burned out and askyourself where do I fit in this
equation?
What if I could take some timeto take care of myself?
What if?
Maybe this is a sign that Ineed to stop for a second and
ask what do I need?
(12:42):
And here's another questionwhat if modeling self-compassion
for me as a mom could beanother great gift that I give
my child?
I love these questions becausethey start to move us into a
solution mode where we can startthinking, instead of this is a
sign that something is wrongwith me, we start thinking this
(13:05):
is a sign that some action needsto happen, that there's a
mismatch between the demandsthat I'm facing and the
resources that are supporting me, and that's not just for
external support.
I also think that plays into theexpectations that we carry in
our heads, the pressure that wehave to be perfect, to kind of
never drop a ball, to meet everyneed.
(13:27):
With a smile and think about it.
We have more parentinginformation than any generation
before us, but somehow that'smade us feel more like we need
to do more and not less.
We've turned motherhood intothis performance instead of a
very natural relationship thathas two parties our kids and us.
And when motherhood turns intoa performance just outcome-based
(13:52):
, in service of our children andnot that relationship, that
pressure is going to wear usdown.
So it's not your fault, but itis an invitation to start caring
for yourself with the samecompassion that you are really
offering everyone else aroundyou.
So you know what gets in theway of us going in this
direction.
I know already, because I'vedone this hundreds of times with
(14:13):
women, the myth that there is aperfect model of motherhood
that we should be kind ofcopying, that we should be that
model of motherhood where thehouse is always clean and the
kids are always smiling andeverybody has everything figured
out.
That is a myth.
Those moms do not exist.
I know this because I've talkedto hundreds, probably thousands
(14:36):
of moms and here's what I'velearned the ones who look like
they have it all together areoften the ones holding on the
tightest, trying the hardest,feeling the most pressure to
maintain that image, becauseperfect moms don't exist.
They never have.
But somehow we've created thisimpossible standard and then
beat ourselves up when we can'tmeet it.
So we've got to get clear thatyour worth as a mom is not
(14:58):
measured by your child'sbehavior, your house's
cleanliness, how put togetheryou appear.
It's measured by your love,your presence and your
willingness to keep growingright alongside your children.
So let's talk about what to do.
I know I get on a soapbox aboutthat, I'm sorry.
I just get so passionate aboutthe pain I see women going
(15:21):
through when they feel so alonewith this.
So we're turning that around,we're busting that myth.
Let's talk about what to do whenyou start recognizing that you
might be a little bit in thisplace, when you notice yourself
thinking something's off.
I don't feel like myselfanymore, I'm feeling a little
bit resentful, I'm tired, Idon't feel good.
Okay, here's a few steps.
(15:42):
Number one recognize what'sreally going on.
Instead of pushing the feelingsdown, blaming yourself for them
, name what's happening.
Say it just, even gently.
I think I might be a littledepleted, I might need a little
something, I might be carrying alot.
That alone creates space for ashift.
(16:04):
And if you're worried thatnaming it will make it worse, it
won't.
Secrets shame, keeping it quiet.
All of that really is whathurts us.
Truth and acknowledgement iswhat sets us free.
It opens the door to start tomake some change.
Step number two let go of theshame.
(16:25):
There is no prize for runningon empty.
There is no gold star forburnout.
You don't have to earn yourright to rest.
You don't have to justify yourneed for care.
You're a human being, not amachine.
You would not expect your phoneto run at full brightness and
energy all day without charging.
Why do we expect that ofourselves?
(16:49):
Number three rebuild thefoundation one brick at a time.
What does that mean for you?
If I said your foundation mightneed a little attention, what
does that mean to you?
Here are my thoughts on that.
Are you getting enough sleep?
Do you eat regularly?
Are you drinking enough water?
(17:11):
Do you get outside a little bit?
Do you give yourself even fiveminutes without noise?
These sound really small, but Ireally think they're the bricks
of that foundation that help uswith recovery and they actually
are very insulative orprotective against burnout.
You don't need a spa weekendand if you can get one, I would
(17:34):
grab it but you don't need a bigticket item to get out of
depletion.
You just need to pause, youneed a breath and you need
permission to honor your needs.
So I want you to think aboutthat foundation.
What feels a little shaky toyou?
And start with just one thing.
(17:55):
Maybe it's going right now andgetting a big glass of water.
Maybe, before you check yourphone in the morning, you get up
and you wash your face and youstretch a little.
Maybe it's stepping outside fora couple of really deep breaths
before you start dinner.
Did you know you could do that?
You don't have to run from onething to the next.
(18:16):
These small steps create reallybig changes over time.
Okay, step number four bigchanges over time.
Okay, step number four.
When you're burned out ordepleted, it's often hard to ask
for help, but it's even harderI'm going to tell you to keep
carrying everything silently.
So I want you to step back fora minute and ask where could I
(18:37):
get a little bit of support?
Is there one thing that youcould delegate or share, whether
it's with your partner, with afriend or even with your kids,
if they're old enough?
Let the words I need become anormal part of your vocabulary.
Does that feel odd to you orselfish to you?
You know, sometimes we knowpeople that are very comfortable
(19:00):
with saying what they need,sometimes to the extent that it
feels like they don't care aboutwhat other people need.
We tend to kind of villainizespeaking up for what we need, as
either, you know, it's verynoble to not speak about it or
it's very wrong to continuallyask people to do things for you.
We just did an episode recentlyon all or nothing thinking for
(19:25):
you.
We just did an episode recentlyon all or nothing, thinking so
easy to fall into all or nothing.
Thinking around what your needsare and expressing them.
So we're just talking aboutpicking one or two things that
maybe you could use some extrahelp with and then letting the
words I need or I could reallyuse become a normal part of your
vocabulary.
So I want you to practicesaying these phrases until they
(19:46):
feel natural Ready.
I need 10 minutes to regroup.
I need some help with dinnertonight.
I need a little break.
Would you help me with bedtimeso I can rest?
The basic message here is thatwhen you start feeling alone,
it's so important to bust thatopen and not be alone with it
anymore.
(20:08):
Okay, number five build in areset moment each day.
Here's a one minute resetpractice you can use anywhere.
Put your hand on your heart,close your eyes for 10 seconds,
take a deep breath, say toyourself I'm allowed to rest.
You can even set a timer toremind yourself once a day to do
(20:28):
this.
Did you know that when you putyour hand on your chest like
that, areas in your brain lightup as if you've been given a hug
?
Now, knowing that you've got ahug in your hand, that you can
give yourself that kind ofconnection.
It's more than just a hug.
That's nice.
What that does is physicaltouch.
It does connection in ourbodies and it gives us a sense
(20:51):
that we're actually safe.
So if you can get a hug, Iwould take it a hundred times
over.
But if you don't have thatoption and sometimes you don't
need that option you just needyourself, to stay with yourself,
to put your hand on your heart,close your eyes, take a deep
breath and say I'm allowed torest.
I think you can add to thatwhat do I need?
(21:13):
And throughout the day, itdoesn't have to be that you put
your hand on your chest.
It could be just a deep breathand a long, slow exhale and a
little question what do I needright now?
Step number six let's getreconnected to the things that
matter most to us.
You know our depletion and ourburnout often show up when we
(21:36):
are very disconnected from thethings that matter most to us.
And I know that sounds a littlestrange because of course we're
doing a lot of things thatreally matter to us.
We're taking care of our kids,we're making meals, we're
working.
We're doing all of the thingsthat we care about, of course.
But I'm talking about some ofthe things that you might be
disconnected from within you andyour life, that really fuel you
(22:01):
.
So I want you to ask yourselfwhat do I miss about me?
What lights me up even a littlebit?
So I want you to think back toa minute when you truly felt
like yourself, when you were amom.
Maybe it was reading a bedtimestory or having a dance party,
or baking, or just sittingquietly on the front steps of
(22:22):
your porch.
What was different about thatmoment and how can you create a
little more space in your dayand in your life for moments
like that, where you feel alittle more like yourself?
Rebuilding starts by coming backto your center.
I think that's why the hand onthe chest is so powerful.
We're getting centered back towho we are underneath all of the
(22:45):
chaos and the demands and, fromthat place, getting clear and
looking at what we might need.
And then, step number seventalking to someone.
Sometimes burnout runs deep andif you're feeling stuck or low,
like this has been going on fortoo long, I think it really
helps to talk to somebody aboutit.
(23:05):
That's often the reason whypeople reach out and make an
appointment with a therapist orgo to a support group or even
just get involved with a friendgroup where you're able to have
some trusted friends that canhelp you navigate this and talk
through it.
Your mom may have been throughthis, you may have sisters that
(23:26):
are going through it and if youdon't, don't worry, there are
plenty of us around you that youprobably don't know about that
are also feeling this way.
We shouldn't try to go thisalone, and I think that the more
we talk about it with eachother, the less stigmatizing it
will be, the less shame we'llfeel about it.
Of course, we could talk aboutall the wonderful things we love
about motherhood, and we should, but also make room for that
(23:49):
real feeling that can reallycome from when we get worn out
and feel alone.
And if you're thinking that youdon't have time for any of this
, or that your family won't beable to put up with it because
they need you to keep going,going, going, I want you to
remember that when you do this,you're not taking away from your
family.
You're actually.
(24:09):
It's an investment and it helpsyour family because you're
feeling better.
It's more than just getting arest once in a while.
It's about putting things inplace in a systematic way that
gives you periods of time ofrecovery or of interesting
things that you wanna do orplaces where you're able to show
(24:29):
up as who you are in the middleof your mothering.
So this might mean that youneed to make space for this.
You might have to say no tosome commitments that don't
align as close to your values.
It might mean that you need tolower your expectations a little
bit, a little bit of yourstandards in some areas so you
can be more present for yourselfand others.
(24:51):
It might mean having honestconversations with your family
about sharing responsibilities.
Remember, you're not trying todo less because you're lazy.
You're trying to do less so youcan show up as the person you
actually want to be and enjoythis period of your life when
you're raising children.
I think the power is the rippleeffect that this has on our
(25:11):
families.
When we start addressing theburnout that we feel, your whole
family benefits.
Because you're less depleted,you're more patient.
When you're more patient,you're more connected.
When you're more connected,your children feel more secure.
When your children feel moresecure, everything thrives.
So your healing creates aripple effect of health in your
(25:32):
family.
I want to say this again Ifyou're in the thick of parenting
tired, stretched, feeling alittle bit of a shadow of
yourself you are not failing.
You are feeling the cost ofcare without replenishment, and
that's something we can work on,that's something you can heal
from.
You are allowed to need stuff,you're allowed to rest, you are
(25:54):
allowed to come home to yourselfand you are allowed to be a
work in progress.
You do not have to figure allthis out today.
You just have to take the nextsmall, kind step toward caring
for yourself.
So to our listener, there's aphrase in her question.
Let me read it again.
Sometimes I feel resentful,like I'm giving everything I
(26:15):
have and it's still not enough.
And then she says what's wrongwith me?
So the answer nothing.
Nothing's wrong with you Givingeverything you have and it's
still not enough.
That's because you're in thewrong model.
Giving everything you have willnever be enough, because you're
not responsible to giveeverything you have.
Everything you have isn't goingto be enough to solve every
(26:37):
problem that your family faces.
It's enough to burn you out,and so we want you to be able to
front load the care that youneed.
So, sweet mama, ask yourselfwhat do I need?
What am I most desperate for?
I couldn't begin to guess foreach one of you, for all of you,
(26:57):
what the thing is that you need.
But I promise you this if youask yourself and you quietly
listen and it might take you acouple of times of asking and a
little bit of time to get usedto the answer coming, but if you
do it, it will come.
And if you can honor that anddo one small thing to start to
(27:20):
replenish and restore, it willpay off, because the depletion
and the exhaustion will lift.
Will you still be tired?
Yes, because this is a reallydemanding job.
But will you be burned out?
The answer, hopefully, is no.
That's what we're going for.
So I hope that answers thisquestion.
(27:41):
I hope that it gets your mindthinking on ideas of what you
can do to fill your own bucket alittle bit, because this is
your life too.
I just love that thought.
You're raising children andwe're gifting huge amounts of
time, decades of our lives, toour children, but you know what,
guys, you don't get thosedecades back.
(28:02):
This is also your life.
We can, in tandem, take care ofour family and take care of
ourself.
Thank you for the question.
Thank you for the time that weget to spend today and I look
forward to talking to you allnext week.
Take care If you feel likethese ideas really speak to you
(28:23):
but you're not sure how toactually apply them in your own
life, I want you to know youdon't have to do it alone.
I'm currently opening a fewone-to-one coaching spots for
moms who are ready to go deeperand get personalized support as
they build their own resilience.
This is where we takeeverything we talk about here
and we tailor it to your life,your story, your goals.
(28:43):
If that sounds like somethingyou're craving, just head to
leighgermancom and click onone-to-one coaching.
We'll set up a free call totalk about where you are, where
you wanna be and whethercoaching is the right next step
for you.
You can always find me onInstagram, at leighgerman, or on
(29:05):
my website at leighgermancom.
The Leadership ParentingPodcast is for general
information purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal medical or therapeutic
(29:28):
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.