October 1, 2025 • 26 mins
If you feel like motherhood is wearing you down, you aren’t imagining it. Research shows moms’ mental health has been steadily declining over the past several years—and I know how heavy that can feel in real life. Sleepless nights, constant worry, the endless mental load, and that quiet question in the back of your mind: Am I enough?
But here’s the part I don’t want you to miss—there’s hope. Science also shows there are protective factors that buffer us against stress, protect our mental health, and actually help us thrive in motherhood. And the best part? They’re simple, doable practices you can start weaving into your day without adding more pressure.
If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:
https://leighgermann.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 00 (00:00):
.
(00:59):
Before we dive in, I want youto take a deep breath with me.
Just one intentional breath.
Does that sound weird to you?
Because what I'm gonna sharemight feel a little heavy at
first.
But I promise you, by the endof our time together, you are
(01:20):
going to feel more equipped andmore hopeful and definitely less
alone.
That's what I'm working for.
Here is some sobering news thatI think every mom needs to
hear.
Recent research from theAmerican Psychological
Association shows that mom'smental health has been declining
steadily over the past severalyears.
In 2016, about 38% of momsrated their mental health as
(01:42):
excellent.
By 2023, that number hasdropped to about 25%.
That's one in four moms feelinggreat, feeling like they're
thriving mentally andemotionally.
So that leaves the other 75% ofus, right?
When I first read thatstatistic, my heart literally
just sank.
Because I know behind every oneof those numbers is a very real
(02:04):
mom.
Maybe you, who's sometimes liesawake at 2 a.m.
and wonders if everything'sgonna be okay, if you're doing
enough, who might be snapping alittle bit more at the kids and
feeling guilty for hoursafterwards, who might be
scrolling social media andfeeling like everyone else has
figured out something that youhaven't.
Well, when you think about whatwe have all lived through
pandemic disruptions that turnedour world upside down,
(02:27):
increased social pressuresamplified by social media,
financial stress that keepsmounting, and this epidemic of
loneliness that so many moms arefacing, it makes complete sense
that we might have a little bitmore on our plates and are
struggling a little bit more.
But here is the part that Ireally want you to hear clearly.
There are things we can do.
(02:48):
There are research-backedprotective factors that buffer
us against stress and help usnot just survive, but actually
get into that 25% that feel likethey're thriving, even during
the hardest seasons of ourmotherhood.
Dr. Suniya Luther, who's beenstudying maternal mental health
for decades, calls theseresilience factors.
(03:09):
These factors are notcomplicated.
They don't require you tooverhaul your entire life or
spend a lot of money.
They're simple, they'reaccessible, and they can create
real change.
So today I want to walk youthrough five of the most
powerful protective factors formoms.
Whether you find yourself inthe top 25% thriving or in the
75% that's somewhere else belowthat, I want you to pay
(03:32):
attention and take awaysomething.
If you're already doing it,keep doing it.
Take away something from whatwe're talking about today to
move you up that ladder and helpyou feel better. As we go, I
want to share how these sameskills are woven into everything
that we are building togetherinside the leadership parenting
community.
Because protecting your mentalhealth is not about just
(03:54):
surviving, it's about also beingin a place where you can lead
your family with love, stayconnected, and have that steady
resilience that becomes yourchildren's foundation for their
lives.
So let's start with protectivefactor one: social support and
connection.
Wow, does that surprise youthat the single strongest
(04:14):
predictor of maternal mentalhealth isn't how much sleep you
get?
That did surprise me, actually.
I thought that was going to benumber one, or how much help you
have, or even how challengingyour kids are.
It's connection.
Specifically, having even oneperson in your life who truly
gets what you're going through.
Research from Harvard's studyof adult development, one of the
(04:34):
longest-running studies inhuman happiness, shows that moms
who feel connected to friends,community, or other moms show
dramatically lower rates ofdepression and anxiety.
And what else is fascinating isit's not about having tons of
friends or being really supermega social.
It's about having authenticconnections where you can be
(04:54):
real about the things that aregoing on in your life.
Brene Brown talks about this sowell when she says that shame
cannot survive being spoken inan environment of empathy.
When you text a friend and yousay, I'm hiding in the laundry
room for five minutes because Ijust yelled at my kids and I
need someone to remind me thatI'm not the worst mother in the
world.
And your friend says, Oh, metoo.
(05:15):
I had such a hard day.
You were not failing.
We're doing this.
We're doing this together.
When you have someone that youcan do that with, everything
changes.
You feel less alone, you feelless ashamed, you feel more
normal.
And that shift, it actuallyhappens in your body.
That's your nervous systemmoving from fight or flight back
into a place where you canstart to make your good
(05:35):
parenting decisions from loveinstead of overwhelm.
So this week, I want you tochoose one simple way to connect
authentically with another mom.
Do a marco polo with a friendwhere you can just be very real
and just pop in in the middle ofyour realness and connect with
her.
Maybe it's in a struggle ormaybe it's just a really happy
(05:55):
moment.
Maybe just it's what your dayactually looks like instead of
what an Instagram version ofyour day might be, right?
Where you don't care what youlook like, you don't care what
the kitchen looks like.
It could be chaos, but you areconnecting with someone.
Ask one genuine question toanother mom at a pickup when
you're in pickup line or in thegrocery store or in a mom group.
(06:16):
Like just not about even this,just about how their day is
going or that you like their bagor just something.
These micro connections aredeposits literally in your
resilience bank and they willadd up faster than you think.
Okay, protective factor numbertwo: partner and family, both of
those, collaboration.
(06:38):
Here's something that mightmake you feel seen.
Research from the University ofWashington says that when moms
carry what they call the mentalload, we've talked about that
before here, that's theinvisible work of remembering
everyone's schedules,anticipating their needs,
managing emotions, coordinatingfamily life, all of that.
When moms do that, theircortisol levels stay elevated
(06:59):
all throughout the day.
But when that load gets shared,even partially, mom's stress
hormones drop significantly.
Isn't it cool that now in ourresearch we're studying the
stress hormones and theadrenaline and all of the
cortisol that's in our bodies?
That's because that is what ismaking us sick.
That is what's making usdepressed and tired.
(07:21):
That's what's causing a lot ofour anxiety.
So when you share the mentalload, you are going to feel
better.
And this isn't just about likesplitting up the chores.
And I think that that isactually very helpful also, but
it's about what researchers callshared responsibility for the
(07:42):
family well-being.
It's bigger than the chores.
It's even bigger than theaction items.
It's about your partnerunderstanding that caring for
everyone is both of your job andthat you are part of that, that
caring for your mental healthis also going to help the whole
family foundationally.
I love how John Gottman putsit.
In the healthiest families,everyone understands that mom's
(08:06):
well-being is not a luxury.
It's the cornerstone thateverything else is built on.
When mom feels supported andher needs are acknowledged, the
whole family system becomes moreresilient.
Well, here's what I want you toknow if you're feeling like
you're drowning while everyonearound you is oblivious, asking
for help is important.
I want you to consider whereyou might set a few boundaries
(08:30):
and request some support.
It's not selfish.
It's actually leadership.
If you were running a company,and your family really is a
company, but I mean it's like acompany, if you were running it
as the CEO and you were the onlyone doing everything, the
company would fail.
Good leadership is about seeingwhere your strengths are,
(08:51):
stepping into those anddelegating and sharing tasks and
helping the people around youcome up to speed so you are all
high quality kind of caregivers.
It's modeling for your childrenthat everyone in a family
deserves to have their needsacknowledged and met, even
yours.
I have a mom I worked with lastyear, especially on this, who
(09:13):
was she was getting up earlierand earlier every kind of couple
of months because she couldn'tget it all in.
And so finally her alarmclock's ringing at like, I don't
know, 4:45.
And she's getting up andpacking lunches, prepping for
school, handling morningroutines so that she could get
everything done.
And her husband was sleeping into the last minute, and her
teenage daughter was rushingaround looking for clean clothes
(09:34):
at the last minute, and shecame to me like just fuming with
resentment.
Um, and that was also under aton of guilt for feeling
resentful.
But she didn't know how tochange it without seeming like
she was nagging or complaining.
So we kind of took it out ofthe nag and complaining bucket
and we started to call itcollaborative leadership, where
(09:55):
she could approach her familynot from a place of frustration
and anger, but from a place ofclear and very kind
communication about what neededto change for everyone to do
well.
We did a family huddle.
And she basically just said,Look, I love taking care of her
family.
I just need some morepartnership here.
And she started to pass offresponsibilities to her teenage
(10:15):
daughter, who was more thancapable of handling it, and
asking her husband for somespecific support.
And the result was so good.
Her husband started getting upa little bit earlier, not crazy
early.
Not neither of them got up at4:45 anymore.
They both got up just a littlebit earlier than everyone else
and they handled the morningstogether.
(10:37):
And I think her husband evendid two mornings all by himself
so that she could actually workout or go for a walk or
something.
It was a very small shift.
It didn't explode her familylike she was afraid it was gonna
do, but it freed up energy andcalmed her nervous system in a
way that just rippled througheverything else.
And miraculously, maybe notsurprising, hopefully, to y'all,
(11:01):
her resentment melted away.
So, for you, practical step forthis.
Try holding a gentle, gentle,meaning you're calm, you're
patient, you're not angry, agentle family huddle this week.
You can say something like,I've been thinking about our
family rhythm and I want to talkabout how we can support each
other better.
Here's what's heavy for meright now.
(11:23):
How could we share some of thisload?
Even a tiny adjustment, likeyour partner handling a bedtime
routine or your kids takingownership.
This is a big one.
Kids taking ownership of onehousehold task can create some
more space for you to breathe.
And not just that, you're justnot gonna feel so alone anymore.
I think that is probably one ofthe biggest, most important
(11:45):
things for us as moms in thethick of our mothering.
Okay, protective factor numberthree, resilience through
self-care and positive emotion.
All right, I know I'm puttingthose two together, but let's
walk through that.
When I use the word self-care,what I mean is the basic
necessities that our humanbodies need to survive, but also
(12:08):
to do really well.
And that would include sleep,that would include making sure
you're eating somethingnutritional throughout the day
and movement or exercise.
And then I throw in there umsoothing your body.
And if you don't have thesethings on board, your mental
(12:28):
health will suffer.
It may not be right at firstbecause we are pretty strong and
capable and willing and able togo on fumes for a long time,
but going on fumes isn'tsustainable.
Living on a fast run all thetime is not sustainable.
So think about it this way: every time that you pause and (12:47):
undefined
take a deep breath beforeresponding to your child's big
emotion instead of reacting fromyour own kind of stress or call
to action, you are alsopracticing self-care.
Every time you step outside for30 seconds just to take a
breath and feel the sun on yourface, I like to do that right
(13:09):
before dinner.
I know it seems like we don'thave time for that, but if you
could just like leave the chaosinside, maybe a minute.
Give yourself 60 seconds andjust breathe for a second.
Every time you do that, you arefueling yourself.
You are offloading stress andgiving your body resilience.
Every time you put on a songthat lifts your spirits while
(13:30):
you're making dinner, you'recreating what researchers call
positive affect.
And that's why I put these twothings together: self-care and
positive emotion.
Because we need these littlemicro resets for our bodies,
tiny moments where we're givingourselves kind of gas to keep
going.
And we need positive affect oruplifting things to keep the
(13:55):
mood elevated.
Music is a great way to dothis.
Sunshine is a great way to dothis.
Breathing is a great way to dothis.
I love what one of our moms inmy community said.
I used to think self-care meantthat I needed to find time for
a whole workout or a really longbath.
Since I never had time forthat, I never took care of
myself.
But now I know that self-carecan be the way I talk to myself
(14:18):
in my head, even, right?
That breathing while my kidsare arguing or tantruming or
playing that music that makes mesmile, even as I'm getting
tasks done.
So she's exactly right.
Self-care is about learning tobe gentle with ourselves
throughout the day and do thosemicro resets.
Research from UC Berkeley showsthat moms who practice small,
(14:40):
consistent acts ofself-compassion, which all of
these things would be veryself-compassionate if we could
give them to ourselves, the waywe speak to ourselves in a kind
way, like we would speak to afriend, or taking moments to
acknowledge our own efforts,those moms report lower levels
of parenting stress and higherlevels of satisfaction in their
(15:01):
life.
So, practical step for you.
I want you to choose one thingthat will bring you joy,
something very small thatreliably shifts your energy in a
positive direction.
Maybe it's that music playlistor a photo on your phone that
makes you smile, or a phrasethat you can repeat when you're
feeling overwhelmed, like I'mdoing the best I can with what
(15:22):
we've got right now, and that'senough.
I want you to do something thatfeeds your body, either in that
nutritional way, or themovement, or getting some sleep,
and start looking at tinymoments of care and positive
emotion that are going toprotect your wellness.
Okay, protective factor numberfour emotional warmth and secure
(15:47):
attachment.
Isn't it interesting that aprotective factor for us is how
securely attached we feel withour kids and how warm we are
with them?
I just found that reallyfascinating as I studied it.
We know that children whoexperience consistent emotional
warmth.
Do you know what I mean byemotional warmth?
That means attentiveness, thatmeans openness and gentleness
(16:11):
instead of kind of harshness ordistance or abruptness.
So kids who experienceconsistent emotional warmth from
their mothers at age three showstronger emotional security and
social confidence all the waythrough age 14 and beyond.
That's what the research wason.
That means that the warmth youoffer your kids today is
(16:33):
literally shaping their capacityfor resilience for years to
come.
But here's the part I thinkwill bring you so much relief.
Warmth doesn't mean you have tobe cheerful or endlessly
patient.
Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson,who've kind of researched
attachment and especially aregreat with parenting with kids,
they're clear about this.
They note that what createssecurity in children isn't
(16:56):
perfect parenting, it's reallyabout the repair.
So warmth is about circlingback after a hard moment and
saying, I was stressed, I raisedmy voice, I'm so sorry.
That wasn't about you.
You matter to me, and I loveyou even when I'm having a hard
day.
That's a repair moment that wehave with our kids.
(17:18):
And when your kids see that,they know that even when you
mess up, your relationship issafe and the love is constant.
This is what we're constantlykind of hammering away in our
leadership parenting contenthere in this podcast.
Connection, not perfection,that's what creates resilience
in families.
So when connection getsdisrupted because we lose our
(17:40):
tempers or we're distracted orwe're just so tired, we're we're
not on our game, we canpractice emotional warmth with
our kids through repair andacknowledge their feelings and
be affectionate and give themattention.
And it will repair anythingthat got disrupted.
And we're supporting theirdevelopment.
(18:01):
So why do we include this asbeing protective for you?
It's because this is our job.
This is our profession.
We do this 24-7, day in and dayout.
And if we're not feeling likewe've got this connection with
our kids, it can feel sodiscouraging.
So, practical takeaway.
(18:22):
Each night this week, offer oneintentional moment of warmth to
each of your children.
It might be two minutes ofsnuggle time.
Look them in the eye and say, Iam so glad that you are my kid.
Or rub their back while theyfall asleep.
And if you have a hard momentduring the day, I want you to
practice that repair.
(18:42):
These small acts add up tolifelong emotional security for
your children and ongoingconnection and support for you.
Okay, protective factor numberfive, community engagement.
This last protective factormight surprise you, but it's
been one of the most powerfuldiscoveries in recent maternal
(19:04):
mental health research.
The profound impact ofcreativity and community
engagement on a mom'swell-being.
There's some studies out of theUK and Australia that have
shown that when moms engage increative activities with other
people.
Okay, let's talk about whatcreative activities are: singing
groups, art classes, bookclubs, community walks, dance
(19:25):
classes.
You notice all of those thingshave places for connection with
other women and expression, thatcreativity of any kind.
When women participate in thesethings, they experience
significant decreases in anxietyand depression.
But more than that, they startto say things like, I feel like
myself again, rather than just Iam somebody else's mother.
(19:48):
That's my new job.
Group creative activitiesactivate multiple areas of the
brain simultaneously.
I love that.
It's not just social connectionand it's not just being
creative in your kitchen.
It's that you put those twothings together.
And those areas of the brain,they've noted, are parts of the
brain that are responsible forjoy and connection, learning,
(20:11):
and identity.
So when moms engage in theseactivities, their cortisol
levels drop and their sense ofpersonal identity strengthen.
And that is very cool becauseour mom job lasts from the
moment we have the baby forever.
When do we ever get the timewhen we're off duty and we can
say, I am just me?
(20:32):
I have raised five kids.
They are all out of the houseand they all have babies.
I am still identified in mymind as their mom.
Probably still one of mybiggest identity identify
identifiers.
But we can build out the otherparts of our identity and really
lean into them.
And you don't have to wait tillthey're out of the house.
(20:54):
So joining a choir.
I used to go to a quiltinggroup.
I had these dear friends thattaught me how to quilt.
I my mom was very ill andpassing away, and I was really
sad.
And I was talking with afriend, and she said, Come to
this group and we will just talkwith you.
You don't have to do anything.
And they were all quilting.
And I said, I think I want tolearn how to make a quilt for my
(21:15):
mom.
And so they all helped me dothis.
And it was this beautiful griefprocess for me.
My mother was so thrilled toreceive a quilt that I made for
her.
But I went to this quiltinggroup.
They called it creative therapybecause I'm a therapist.
So when I joined them, theyrenamed the group.
And we got to talk and visitand work on things.
(21:37):
And it was my sanity for years.
So find your group, a creativeTuesday, rotate hosting, do a
cookbook club, learn to paint,pull a group of women together
and go walking.
I don't want you to think aboutit like adding another item to
an already overwhelmed list ofto-dos.
I just want you to recognizethat your identity as a
(21:59):
creative, curious, growingperson does not disappear when
you become a mother.
It just needs intentionalnurturing to rise up above all
the other things that we have onour list.
So your takeaway from this,find something that you can A,
be a little bit creative orlearn, or something that's just
(22:20):
not on your mom-to-do list, andB do it with someone else or a
couple of people to get thatgroup effect.
So let's take a minute to recapthese five protective factors
that can make a real differencein your mental health as a mom.
Social support and deepconnection with people who
understand your experience.
Second, partner and familycollaboration that acknowledges
(22:43):
your needs and shares the load.
Three, self-care and positiveemotion, tiny daily practices
that help your nervous systemstay stable and recover from the
stressful times.
Four, emotional warmth andsecure attachment with your
children so that you can be awarm and responsive parent and
(23:04):
feel really good about yourparenting.
And five, finding a creativecommunity engagement in some way
that feeds your identity beyondyour role as a mother.
Please don't think you have toimplement all of these or do
them all at once.
This isn't about you doing morethings that cause you more
pressure.
I just want you to recognizethat when you weave even small
(23:25):
versions of these protectivefactors into your day, you're
going to build a safety netaround your wellness and give
yourself the kind of support andcare that allows you to show up
as the mom you really want tobe.
And you don't have to earn thatcare.
When you prioritize yourwell-being, you ask for help,
you do things you enjoy, andyou're staying connected.
(23:46):
You're giving your kids areally great gift.
You're showing them what itlooks like to be a whole,
healthy human being who cannavigate all the hard things
that you're doing in life withgrace, but you can also seek
support that you're a realperson.
So thank you for being here withme today, for prioritizing your
own education, your ownknowledge set, your own growth
(24:09):
and well-being, and for doingthe most important work of
raising our next generation withso much love.
You know, these kids, they'rephenomenal, aren't they?
What they have within them,they are our next generation and
you are the ones raising them.
I don't want you to be afraidof that.
You've got everything you needto do this, and my job is to
(24:29):
help you remember to take careof yourself too.
So keep going.
You're building resilience inyourself and in your family
every single day.
I will talk to y'all next week.
Take care.
If you feel like these ideasreally speak to you, but you're
not sure how to actually applythem in your own life, I want
you to know you don't have to doit alone.
(24:50):
I'm currently opening a fewone-to-one coaching spots for
moms who are ready to go deeperand get personalized support as
they build their own resilience.
This is where we takeeverything we talk about here
and we tailor it to your life,your story, your goals.
If that sounds like somethingyou're craving, just head to
legerman.com and click onone-to-one coaching.
(25:11):
We'll set up a free call totalk about where you are, where
you want to be, and whethercoaching is the right next step
for you.
You can always find me onInstagram @LeighGermann or on
my website at eighgermann.com.
The Leadership Parenting Podcastis for general information
(25:32):
purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness, ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal, medical, or therapeutic
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
(25:53):
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
.
(00:59):
Before we dive in, I want youto take a deep breath with me.
Just one intentional breath.
Does that sound weird to you?
Because what I'm gonna sharemight feel a little heavy at
first.
But I promise you, by the endof our time together, you are
(01:20):
going to feel more equipped andmore hopeful and definitely less
alone.
That's what I'm working for.
Here is some sobering news thatI think every mom needs to
hear.
Recent research from theAmerican Psychological
Association shows that mom'smental health has been declining
steadily over the past severalyears.
In 2016, about 38% of momsrated their mental health as
(01:42):
excellent.
By 2023, that number hasdropped to about 25%.
That's one in four moms feelinggreat, feeling like they're
thriving mentally andemotionally.
So that leaves the other 75% ofus, right?
When I first read thatstatistic, my heart literally
just sank.
Because I know behind every oneof those numbers is a very real
(02:04):
mom.
Maybe you, who's sometimes liesawake at 2 a.m.
and wonders if everything'sgonna be okay, if you're doing
enough, who might be snapping alittle bit more at the kids and
feeling guilty for hoursafterwards, who might be
scrolling social media andfeeling like everyone else has
figured out something that youhaven't.
Well, when you think about whatwe have all lived through
pandemic disruptions that turnedour world upside down,
(02:27):
increased social pressuresamplified by social media,
financial stress that keepsmounting, and this epidemic of
loneliness that so many moms arefacing, it makes complete sense
that we might have a little bitmore on our plates and are
struggling a little bit more.
But here is the part that Ireally want you to hear clearly.
There are things we can do.
(02:48):
There are research-backedprotective factors that buffer
us against stress and help usnot just survive, but actually
get into that 25% that feel likethey're thriving, even during
the hardest seasons of ourmotherhood.
Dr. Suniya Luther, who's beenstudying maternal mental health
for decades, calls theseresilience factors.
(03:09):
These factors are notcomplicated.
They don't require you tooverhaul your entire life or
spend a lot of money.
They're simple, they'reaccessible, and they can create
real change.
So today I want to walk youthrough five of the most
powerful protective factors formoms.
Whether you find yourself inthe top 25% thriving or in the
75% that's somewhere else belowthat, I want you to pay
(03:32):
attention and take awaysomething.
If you're already doing it,keep doing it.
Take away something from whatwe're talking about today to
move you up that ladder and helpyou feel better. As we go, I
want to share how these sameskills are woven into everything
that we are building togetherinside the leadership parenting
community.
Because protecting your mentalhealth is not about just
(03:54):
surviving, it's about also beingin a place where you can lead
your family with love, stayconnected, and have that steady
resilience that becomes yourchildren's foundation for their
lives.
So let's start with protectivefactor one: social support and
connection.
Wow, does that surprise youthat the single strongest
(04:14):
predictor of maternal mentalhealth isn't how much sleep you
get?
That did surprise me, actually.
I thought that was going to benumber one, or how much help you
have, or even how challengingyour kids are.
It's connection.
Specifically, having even oneperson in your life who truly
gets what you're going through.
Research from Harvard's studyof adult development, one of the
(04:34):
longest-running studies inhuman happiness, shows that moms
who feel connected to friends,community, or other moms show
dramatically lower rates ofdepression and anxiety.
And what else is fascinating isit's not about having tons of
friends or being really supermega social.
It's about having authenticconnections where you can be
(04:54):
real about the things that aregoing on in your life.
Brene Brown talks about this sowell when she says that shame
cannot survive being spoken inan environment of empathy.
When you text a friend and yousay, I'm hiding in the laundry
room for five minutes because Ijust yelled at my kids and I
need someone to remind me thatI'm not the worst mother in the
world.
And your friend says, Oh, metoo.
(05:15):
I had such a hard day.
You were not failing.
We're doing this.
We're doing this together.
When you have someone that youcan do that with, everything
changes.
You feel less alone, you feelless ashamed, you feel more
normal.
And that shift, it actuallyhappens in your body.
That's your nervous systemmoving from fight or flight back
into a place where you canstart to make your good
(05:35):
parenting decisions from loveinstead of overwhelm.
So this week, I want you tochoose one simple way to connect
authentically with another mom.
Do a marco polo with a friendwhere you can just be very real
and just pop in in the middle ofyour realness and connect with
her.
Maybe it's in a struggle ormaybe it's just a really happy
(05:55):
moment.
Maybe just it's what your dayactually looks like instead of
what an Instagram version ofyour day might be, right?
Where you don't care what youlook like, you don't care what
the kitchen looks like.
It could be chaos, but you areconnecting with someone.
Ask one genuine question toanother mom at a pickup when
you're in pickup line or in thegrocery store or in a mom group.
(06:16):
Like just not about even this,just about how their day is
going or that you like their bagor just something.
These micro connections aredeposits literally in your
resilience bank and they willadd up faster than you think.
Okay, protective factor numbertwo: partner and family, both of
those, collaboration.
(06:38):
Here's something that mightmake you feel seen.
Research from the University ofWashington says that when moms
carry what they call the mentalload, we've talked about that
before here, that's theinvisible work of remembering
everyone's schedules,anticipating their needs,
managing emotions, coordinatingfamily life, all of that.
When moms do that, theircortisol levels stay elevated
(06:59):
all throughout the day.
But when that load gets shared,even partially, mom's stress
hormones drop significantly.
Isn't it cool that now in ourresearch we're studying the
stress hormones and theadrenaline and all of the
cortisol that's in our bodies?
That's because that is what ismaking us sick.
That is what's making usdepressed and tired.
(07:21):
That's what's causing a lot ofour anxiety.
So when you share the mentalload, you are going to feel
better.
And this isn't just about likesplitting up the chores.
And I think that that isactually very helpful also, but
it's about what researchers callshared responsibility for the
(07:42):
family well-being.
It's bigger than the chores.
It's even bigger than theaction items.
It's about your partnerunderstanding that caring for
everyone is both of your job andthat you are part of that, that
caring for your mental healthis also going to help the whole
family foundationally.
I love how John Gottman putsit.
In the healthiest families,everyone understands that mom's
(08:06):
well-being is not a luxury.
It's the cornerstone thateverything else is built on.
When mom feels supported andher needs are acknowledged, the
whole family system becomes moreresilient.
Well, here's what I want you toknow if you're feeling like
you're drowning while everyonearound you is oblivious, asking
for help is important.
I want you to consider whereyou might set a few boundaries
(08:30):
and request some support.
It's not selfish.
It's actually leadership.
If you were running a company,and your family really is a
company, but I mean it's like acompany, if you were running it
as the CEO and you were the onlyone doing everything, the
company would fail.
Good leadership is about seeingwhere your strengths are,
(08:51):
stepping into those anddelegating and sharing tasks and
helping the people around youcome up to speed so you are all
high quality kind of caregivers.
It's modeling for your childrenthat everyone in a family
deserves to have their needsacknowledged and met, even
yours.
I have a mom I worked with lastyear, especially on this, who
(09:13):
was she was getting up earlierand earlier every kind of couple
of months because she couldn'tget it all in.
And so finally her alarmclock's ringing at like, I don't
know, 4:45.
And she's getting up andpacking lunches, prepping for
school, handling morningroutines so that she could get
everything done.
And her husband was sleeping into the last minute, and her
teenage daughter was rushingaround looking for clean clothes
(09:34):
at the last minute, and shecame to me like just fuming with
resentment.
Um, and that was also under aton of guilt for feeling
resentful.
But she didn't know how tochange it without seeming like
she was nagging or complaining.
So we kind of took it out ofthe nag and complaining bucket
and we started to call itcollaborative leadership, where
(09:55):
she could approach her familynot from a place of frustration
and anger, but from a place ofclear and very kind
communication about what neededto change for everyone to do
well.
We did a family huddle.
And she basically just said,Look, I love taking care of her
family.
I just need some morepartnership here.
And she started to pass offresponsibilities to her teenage
(10:15):
daughter, who was more thancapable of handling it, and
asking her husband for somespecific support.
And the result was so good.
Her husband started getting upa little bit earlier, not crazy
early.
Not neither of them got up at4:45 anymore.
They both got up just a littlebit earlier than everyone else
and they handled the morningstogether.
(10:37):
And I think her husband evendid two mornings all by himself
so that she could actually workout or go for a walk or
something.
It was a very small shift.
It didn't explode her familylike she was afraid it was gonna
do, but it freed up energy andcalmed her nervous system in a
way that just rippled througheverything else.
And miraculously, maybe notsurprising, hopefully, to y'all,
(11:01):
her resentment melted away.
So, for you, practical step forthis.
Try holding a gentle, gentle,meaning you're calm, you're
patient, you're not angry, agentle family huddle this week.
You can say something like,I've been thinking about our
family rhythm and I want to talkabout how we can support each
other better.
Here's what's heavy for meright now.
(11:23):
How could we share some of thisload?
Even a tiny adjustment, likeyour partner handling a bedtime
routine or your kids takingownership.
This is a big one.
Kids taking ownership of onehousehold task can create some
more space for you to breathe.
And not just that, you're justnot gonna feel so alone anymore.
I think that is probably one ofthe biggest, most important
(11:45):
things for us as moms in thethick of our mothering.
Okay, protective factor numberthree, resilience through
self-care and positive emotion.
All right, I know I'm puttingthose two together, but let's
walk through that.
When I use the word self-care,what I mean is the basic
necessities that our humanbodies need to survive, but also
(12:08):
to do really well.
And that would include sleep,that would include making sure
you're eating somethingnutritional throughout the day
and movement or exercise.
And then I throw in there umsoothing your body.
And if you don't have thesethings on board, your mental
(12:28):
health will suffer.
It may not be right at firstbecause we are pretty strong and
capable and willing and able togo on fumes for a long time,
but going on fumes isn'tsustainable.
Living on a fast run all thetime is not sustainable.
So think about it this way: every time that you pause and (12:47):
undefined
take a deep breath beforeresponding to your child's big
emotion instead of reacting fromyour own kind of stress or call
to action, you are alsopracticing self-care.
Every time you step outside for30 seconds just to take a
breath and feel the sun on yourface, I like to do that right
(13:09):
before dinner.
I know it seems like we don'thave time for that, but if you
could just like leave the chaosinside, maybe a minute.
Give yourself 60 seconds andjust breathe for a second.
Every time you do that, you arefueling yourself.
You are offloading stress andgiving your body resilience.
Every time you put on a songthat lifts your spirits while
(13:30):
you're making dinner, you'recreating what researchers call
positive affect.
And that's why I put these twothings together: self-care and
positive emotion.
Because we need these littlemicro resets for our bodies,
tiny moments where we're givingourselves kind of gas to keep
going.
And we need positive affect oruplifting things to keep the
(13:55):
mood elevated.
Music is a great way to dothis.
Sunshine is a great way to dothis.
Breathing is a great way to dothis.
I love what one of our moms inmy community said.
I used to think self-care meantthat I needed to find time for
a whole workout or a really longbath.
Since I never had time forthat, I never took care of
myself.
But now I know that self-carecan be the way I talk to myself
(14:18):
in my head, even, right?
That breathing while my kidsare arguing or tantruming or
playing that music that makes mesmile, even as I'm getting
tasks done.
So she's exactly right.
Self-care is about learning tobe gentle with ourselves
throughout the day and do thosemicro resets.
Research from UC Berkeley showsthat moms who practice small,
(14:40):
consistent acts ofself-compassion, which all of
these things would be veryself-compassionate if we could
give them to ourselves, the waywe speak to ourselves in a kind
way, like we would speak to afriend, or taking moments to
acknowledge our own efforts,those moms report lower levels
of parenting stress and higherlevels of satisfaction in their
(15:01):
life.
So, practical step for you.
I want you to choose one thingthat will bring you joy,
something very small thatreliably shifts your energy in a
positive direction.
Maybe it's that music playlistor a photo on your phone that
makes you smile, or a phrasethat you can repeat when you're
feeling overwhelmed, like I'mdoing the best I can with what
(15:22):
we've got right now, and that'senough.
I want you to do something thatfeeds your body, either in that
nutritional way, or themovement, or getting some sleep,
and start looking at tinymoments of care and positive
emotion that are going toprotect your wellness.
Okay, protective factor numberfour emotional warmth and secure
(15:47):
attachment.
Isn't it interesting that aprotective factor for us is how
securely attached we feel withour kids and how warm we are
with them?
I just found that reallyfascinating as I studied it.
We know that children whoexperience consistent emotional
warmth.
Do you know what I mean byemotional warmth?
That means attentiveness, thatmeans openness and gentleness
(16:11):
instead of kind of harshness ordistance or abruptness.
So kids who experienceconsistent emotional warmth from
their mothers at age three showstronger emotional security and
social confidence all the waythrough age 14 and beyond.
That's what the research wason.
That means that the warmth youoffer your kids today is
(16:33):
literally shaping their capacityfor resilience for years to
come.
But here's the part I thinkwill bring you so much relief.
Warmth doesn't mean you have tobe cheerful or endlessly
patient.
Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson,who've kind of researched
attachment and especially aregreat with parenting with kids,
they're clear about this.
They note that what createssecurity in children isn't
(16:56):
perfect parenting, it's reallyabout the repair.
So warmth is about circlingback after a hard moment and
saying, I was stressed, I raisedmy voice, I'm so sorry.
That wasn't about you.
You matter to me, and I loveyou even when I'm having a hard
day.
That's a repair moment that wehave with our kids.
(17:18):
And when your kids see that,they know that even when you
mess up, your relationship issafe and the love is constant.
This is what we're constantlykind of hammering away in our
leadership parenting contenthere in this podcast.
Connection, not perfection,that's what creates resilience
in families.
So when connection getsdisrupted because we lose our
(17:40):
tempers or we're distracted orwe're just so tired, we're we're
not on our game, we canpractice emotional warmth with
our kids through repair andacknowledge their feelings and
be affectionate and give themattention.
And it will repair anythingthat got disrupted.
And we're supporting theirdevelopment.
(18:01):
So why do we include this asbeing protective for you?
It's because this is our job.
This is our profession.
We do this 24-7, day in and dayout.
And if we're not feeling likewe've got this connection with
our kids, it can feel sodiscouraging.
So, practical takeaway.
(18:22):
Each night this week, offer oneintentional moment of warmth to
each of your children.
It might be two minutes ofsnuggle time.
Look them in the eye and say, Iam so glad that you are my kid.
Or rub their back while theyfall asleep.
And if you have a hard momentduring the day, I want you to
practice that repair.
(18:42):
These small acts add up tolifelong emotional security for
your children and ongoingconnection and support for you.
Okay, protective factor numberfive, community engagement.
This last protective factormight surprise you, but it's
been one of the most powerfuldiscoveries in recent maternal
(19:04):
mental health research.
The profound impact ofcreativity and community
engagement on a mom'swell-being.
There's some studies out of theUK and Australia that have
shown that when moms engage increative activities with other
people.
Okay, let's talk about whatcreative activities are: singing
groups, art classes, bookclubs, community walks, dance
(19:25):
classes.
You notice all of those thingshave places for connection with
other women and expression, thatcreativity of any kind.
When women participate in thesethings, they experience
significant decreases in anxietyand depression.
But more than that, they startto say things like, I feel like
myself again, rather than just Iam somebody else's mother.
(19:48):
That's my new job.
Group creative activitiesactivate multiple areas of the
brain simultaneously.
I love that.
It's not just social connectionand it's not just being
creative in your kitchen.
It's that you put those twothings together.
And those areas of the brain,they've noted, are parts of the
brain that are responsible forjoy and connection, learning,
(20:11):
and identity.
So when moms engage in theseactivities, their cortisol
levels drop and their sense ofpersonal identity strengthen.
And that is very cool becauseour mom job lasts from the
moment we have the baby forever.
When do we ever get the timewhen we're off duty and we can
say, I am just me?
(20:32):
I have raised five kids.
They are all out of the houseand they all have babies.
I am still identified in mymind as their mom.
Probably still one of mybiggest identity identify
identifiers.
But we can build out the otherparts of our identity and really
lean into them.
And you don't have to wait tillthey're out of the house.
(20:54):
So joining a choir.
I used to go to a quiltinggroup.
I had these dear friends thattaught me how to quilt.
I my mom was very ill andpassing away, and I was really
sad.
And I was talking with afriend, and she said, Come to
this group and we will just talkwith you.
You don't have to do anything.
And they were all quilting.
And I said, I think I want tolearn how to make a quilt for my
(21:15):
mom.
And so they all helped me dothis.
And it was this beautiful griefprocess for me.
My mother was so thrilled toreceive a quilt that I made for
her.
But I went to this quiltinggroup.
They called it creative therapybecause I'm a therapist.
So when I joined them, theyrenamed the group.
And we got to talk and visitand work on things.
(21:37):
And it was my sanity for years.
So find your group, a creativeTuesday, rotate hosting, do a
cookbook club, learn to paint,pull a group of women together
and go walking.
I don't want you to think aboutit like adding another item to
an already overwhelmed list ofto-dos.
I just want you to recognizethat your identity as a
(21:59):
creative, curious, growingperson does not disappear when
you become a mother.
It just needs intentionalnurturing to rise up above all
the other things that we have onour list.
So your takeaway from this,find something that you can A,
be a little bit creative orlearn, or something that's just
(22:20):
not on your mom-to-do list, andB do it with someone else or a
couple of people to get thatgroup effect.
So let's take a minute to recapthese five protective factors
that can make a real differencein your mental health as a mom.
Social support and deepconnection with people who
understand your experience.
Second, partner and familycollaboration that acknowledges
(22:43):
your needs and shares the load.
Three, self-care and positiveemotion, tiny daily practices
that help your nervous systemstay stable and recover from the
stressful times.
Four, emotional warmth andsecure attachment with your
children so that you can be awarm and responsive parent and
(23:04):
feel really good about yourparenting.
And five, finding a creativecommunity engagement in some way
that feeds your identity beyondyour role as a mother.
Please don't think you have toimplement all of these or do
them all at once.
This isn't about you doing morethings that cause you more
pressure.
I just want you to recognizethat when you weave even small
(23:25):
versions of these protectivefactors into your day, you're
going to build a safety netaround your wellness and give
yourself the kind of support andcare that allows you to show up
as the mom you really want tobe.
And you don't have to earn thatcare.
When you prioritize yourwell-being, you ask for help,
you do things you enjoy, andyou're staying connected.
(23:46):
You're giving your kids areally great gift.
You're showing them what itlooks like to be a whole,
healthy human being who cannavigate all the hard things
that you're doing in life withgrace, but you can also seek
support that you're a realperson.
So thank you for being here withme today, for prioritizing your
own education, your ownknowledge set, your own growth
(24:09):
and well-being, and for doingthe most important work of
raising our next generation withso much love.
You know, these kids, they'rephenomenal, aren't they?
What they have within them,they are our next generation and
you are the ones raising them.
I don't want you to be afraidof that.
You've got everything you needto do this, and my job is to
(24:29):
help you remember to take careof yourself too.
So keep going.
You're building resilience inyourself and in your family
every single day.
I will talk to y'all next week.
Take care.
If you feel like these ideasreally speak to you, but you're
not sure how to actually applythem in your own life, I want
you to know you don't have to doit alone.
(24:50):
I'm currently opening a fewone-to-one coaching spots for
moms who are ready to go deeperand get personalized support as
they build their own resilience.
This is where we takeeverything we talk about here
and we tailor it to your life,your story, your goals.
If that sounds like somethingyou're craving, just head to
legerman.com and click onone-to-one coaching.
(25:11):
We'll set up a free call totalk about where you are, where
you want to be, and whethercoaching is the right next step
for you.
You can always find me onInstagram @LeighGermann or on
my website at eighgermann.com.
The Leadership Parenting Podcastis for general information
(25:32):
purposes only.
It is not therapy and shouldnot take the place of meeting
with a qualified mental healthprofessional.
The information on this podcastis not intended to diagnose or
treat any condition, illness, ordisease.
It's also not intended to belegal, medical, or therapeutic
advice.
Please consult your doctor ormental health professional for
(25:53):
your individual circumstances.
Thanks again and take care.
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