November 1, 2024 • 13 mins
How does your personality help you serve your team? And how might it be hindering you? As a leader, you not only take on your team's history with other leaders, but also how they perceive different traits. Join us as we dive into understanding that history, as well as the unconscious ways that your values and behaviours may be effective your team.
Are you ready to look at the shadow side of your leadership?
If you want to ensure that you are able to capitalize on your strengths, while not going too far, you should give this a listen!
To have your questions answered on the show, submit your story here: https://allthrive.ca/share-your-story
Leadership Ripples with Leah Fink is live every week at 12:00pm MST. Please join us to get answers to your leadership questions! https://www.linkedin.com/in/leah-fink-all-thrive/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Every action you take as a leader has a ripple effect
, starting with your team, goingout to the organization and
even out into people's personallives.
Here we offer you the chance tolearn from real-life stories of
leadership so you can gain adeeper understanding and level
up your own skills Fromcommunication to culture, to
power and equity, to feedback,to resolving conflict and more.
(00:23):
Join us and make sure you'recreating the ripples you want.
Welcome to Leadership Rippleswith Leah Fink.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Hello and welcome to Leadership Ripples with Leah
Fink Today on the show, we aregoing to be talking about the
dark side, and I don't just meana Star Wars thing.
I am talking about the shadowside of how we show up for
people, how some of our besttraits can sometimes become the
dark side or the worst traits,and how they can impact people
(00:52):
negatively.
Sm shares his story.
I have a new staff who I'vebeen mentoring in their position
.
One of the things that Imentioned was that our office
will be supporting them doing aDISC personality assessment, as
we like to know how to bestrelate to each other.
Everyone does one when theystart.
She asked me what I was and Isaid I was a D or dominant
(01:12):
personality type.
She had a visible reaction andwhen I asked what was wrong, she
said she really doesn't likepeople who are D personalities.
It has shifted the way shereacts to me and I feel like I
did nothing wrong.
In fact, I'm kind of annoyedthat she took this and has
decided to judge me unfavorablyand unfairly with it.
So thank you so much forsharing your story, sm, and I
(01:35):
can understand how that would bea little frustrating.
No one likes being judged.
No one likes feeling like theydidn't deserve some sort of
negative impact, and, of course,you don't want your
relationship with this new staffto be impacted by something
that you probably feel you haveno control over.
And I can also empathize withthis staff member, because when
I hear something like this, itspeaks to some sort of previous
(01:57):
bad experience, and she wouldhave had to have something
reasonable to get to this placewhere she's casting that kind of
judgment on all people withdeep personality types.
Let's look at a couple of thethings that are happening here,
then, and I'm going to startwith the reality that whenever
you are in a leadership positionor you are going to take on the
role of impacting andinteracting with the history of
(02:21):
absolutely everyone that youlead so whether they had good
leaders, whether they had badleaders, that experience is now
going to be imposed upon you andyour relationship with them,
and I think that is a big partof what happened here.
Even if that person, theprevious people that were deep
personalities, weren't inleadership roles, there's
something of their pastexperience that they're bringing
(02:41):
forward into this that is nowbeing cast onto you, and it's
also helpful when you considerthat most people's trauma and
really negative experiences comefrom leadership, specifically
either misusing unconsciously orabusing their power.
Like I said, it could beunconscious, it could be a bit
more intentional.
They recognize they're having abad impact.
(03:03):
But when you combine that pieceof bad history and there's a
power dynamic here and thisperson's experience, it all
comes together and makes thingsa little more complicated for
you as a leader.
And we've discussed on the showbefore how everyone has their
own way of dealing with thosewho have more power than them
and that just means moreinfluence over some part of
(03:24):
their life.
So as a boss, obviously youhave more influence than your
employees.
You can hire them, fire them,decide who gets promotions, all
of those kinds of things.
And to react to this power,some people people please, some
people fight against it.
But this is all for a reason,right, they're trying to get
their needs met.
They're trying to protectthemselves when they did not
(03:44):
have enough power and influenceto do that before, and so again
they're bringing this behaviorforward to interact with you.
And maybe your staff's reactionis a little bit more on that
fight against or protect, if youlook at their experience before
the couple people that hadnegative traits or bad
experiences in thatdepersonality type.
This has made them wary offuture interactions.
(04:06):
And, like I said, even if thiswasn't a person in power,
weren't people in power that hadthis personality type?
You're representing not onlythis personality type that was a
negative thing but also thisleadership role, where they are
more vulnerable, where there isthis power dynamic and they have
this reaction.
So they possibly have takenthis step back in order to
protect themselves from thisdynamic, and that's very
(04:29):
understandable.
Now that does not mean in anyway that you can no longer have
a better relationship and ahealthy relationship with this
person.
You can, in fact, now be thatperson that.
Maybe that shows them thatpeople with primary D
personality types are nothorrible, but it does mean that,
with all these kind of factorsthat might be working against
that, you're going to have to bemore intentional, more
(04:50):
self-aware, more responsive tothat person, and I'm going to
break this down into twoapproaches that we can take with
this.
One is that more direct side ofhow we can approach them, and
then also looking at thisself-awareness piece overall,
and the first thing you could dois you can talk to your staff
member, you can ask them somequestions that'll help clarify
this.
You can ask what previousbehaviors they saw from people
(05:14):
with depersonality types andwhat they didn't like about them
.
What was the challenge?
What impacted them negatively?
Because, after all, personalitytypes are just a collection of
values that express themselvesthrough specific behaviors.
Well, personality types arejust a collection of values that
express themselves throughspecific behaviors.
You don't have to let go of thevalue that makes you a D
personality, but you can changethe behaviors around that.
Now the challenge with thisapproach if we come up to this
(05:36):
person and we're a D personalitytype and they've had bad
experiences with that, ds tendto be direct.
They can come across evenaggressive.
They can have a lot of energyand that might be your natural
way to approach someone andthat's not always a bad way to
approach someone.
But, considering the situation,you maybe want to handle them a
little bit more delicatelybecause otherwise this might
(05:58):
just reinforce some of thosethings that they were really
struggling with with these otherpeople.
So mitigate that as much as youcan, and one of the things you
can do is you can name that youcan recognize.
Hey, I want to ask you somequestions and I recognize that
this is my personality type.
I don't want that to continueto impact our relationship in a
(06:18):
negative way.
What are some ways we couldcommunicate around this?
I would keep this as soft asyou can.
I would give them some spaceand time to consider this Really
, watch for cues of howcomfortable they are and if they
don't accept that invitationright away, that's okay.
Don't badger them about it.
Don't keep asking questionsabout it.
Just give them some time andspace, respect that and
(06:39):
recognize that this wholeprocess might take a little
while.
That is okay.
And this is the other piece thatkind of leads into the
reflection that I hope everyoneis going to take from this is,
when we look at thesepersonality pieces, when we look
at how people interact and thekind of impact that we have on
others, there's going to be bothpositive and negative.
(07:00):
I can guarantee you, and almostguarantee at least, that in
some of those interactions thatthat person had with some people
who are primary D personalities, there were some good things
too, not everything that theyhated.
Not everything was perfect,obviously, but there are some
pieces to this, and thechallenge is when we're not
aware of this kind of shadowside that can come up about
(07:22):
these things that we value andcare about, the things that we
need in our lives.
So there is no such thing as agood personality type or bad
personality type, but there aretwo reasons that people often
perceive them as such as good orbad things.
Now I know that SM used DISC.
I use True Color, so I'm goingto talk a little bit more to
that, just so I can use my ownexpertise.
(07:43):
Then I'll loop it back around,and the first challenge that we
see is people can haveconflicting values, and this is,
in every case, not justpersonality types.
But, for example, someone whoreally values organization and
someone who really valuesspontaneity might see that
opposing thing as negativebecause it limits what they
value.
And of course, this can happenbetween people.
(08:04):
That's why we see disagreements, because people value different
things.
But they can even often happenwith ourselves.
You can have multiple valuesand needs that don't always
align perfectly with each otherand can feel a bit in conflict.
I know I've experienced this.
I can be both very logical andvery emotional.
Sometimes that part of methat's more logical judges the
piece that's emotional or viceversa, and have to kind of
(08:26):
contend with that, and that'sthe same thing we need to do in
our relationships not focusingon judging one or the other, but
recognizing we could havedifferent needs, different
values.
In this moment doesn't make onegood or bad, but recognizing it
allows us to work together.
Now, that's nice to say, that'sa great thing to be aware of.
But the second reason and Ithink what comes up even more
(08:48):
often that people can bejudgmental about different
personality types is because wedon't, of course, always display
the best traits of ourpersonality, the best behavior
around our values.
From when we're nice and calmand regulated, we are showing
the true strengths of thepersonality, of the values, of
the behavior that we have.
So the person who valuesrelationship and communication,
(09:12):
checks in on people, sees howthey're doing in a really
genuine way and makes them feelvery cared for, that person who
values structure can make plansthat really support everyone and
lead to successful outcomes.
That person who values researchcan find the absolute best
solution to a problem.
Or someone who values fun canreally raise the energy of the
(09:32):
whole environment, of everyonearound them.
But we're not always nice andcalm and regulated.
We are often under stress andfor most people, unfortunately,
the workplace is a stressfulenvironment.
It increases our stress.
Now, when we are stressed, allthose lovely traits that are
helpful and supportive forothers can become the reverse.
That person that valuesrelationship and connection can
(09:56):
quickly become smothering asthey're seeking this connection
and understanding just need tobe close to that person.
Someone who values structureand is now stressed is becoming
this micromanaging taskmaster asthey're seeking control of the
situation to feel better.
Someone who values researchmight become cold and uncaring
(10:16):
as they focus on having thatanswer because that answer will
make them less stressed.
Or someone who values fun canstart to disrupt anything they
see as constraining that funfrom happening, including
structure and other people.
They can just try to push thatto the side.
Coming back to DISC SM, you canconsider what are some of those
shadow sides of depersonalitytypes.
(10:37):
We already know that somepeople may already have a
challenge with, say, thedirectness because they have
opposing values.
But on top of that, what doesdirect look like when you're
stressed?
Is it as healthy?
Or are there some things thatyou notice that show up that
could be those challengingbehaviors.
And once again, this is alllogical.
(10:57):
This is all how people aretrying to meet their needs.
This is all related to ourvalues, what we care about, but
we can really be having quite anunintended negative impact on
people.
Once again, nothing is bad, butyou are literally showing
people the worst side of howyou're expressing that value,
and even beyond personality.
If you've listened to the showbefore, you know we talk a lot
(11:18):
about spectrums of behavior andhow, when you're calm and
conscious and responsive, youcan move along those spectrums
and really make the bestpossible decision for the
situation, for the person andit's not affected by that stress
piece.
You can really be responsive inthat moment, not reactive.
And if you look at thosespectrums, really what they are
(11:40):
is different values that mightbe opposing each other.
Right, being more firm withboundaries, being more flexible
with boundaries you can think ofsome of those values that come
from that.
Be more focused on task, beingmore focused on relationship you
can see the different valuesbehind that.
So, once again, not good or bad, just different places on the
spectrum to move.
And in the same way, when we'restressed, we tend to get stuck
(12:03):
on those spectrums.
Right, if we prefer task, wemight get stressed.
We have to really finish tasks.
We ignore all thoserelationship pieces and, again,
that doesn't become a helpfulsituation that becomes a
situation where you're showingalmost a negative trait of that
task focusedness, SM.
I hope you're able to recognizeand maybe take less personally
(12:24):
the ways that the staff isreacting towards you, because it
isn't all on you that this hashappened before, but you really
do have a great ability and thisopportunity to now interact
with them in this new way thatyou can be really intentional,
really supportive and help themreconnect with you in an even
stronger way.
And hopefully you also gained alittle bit more awareness and
(12:45):
had a chance to reflect oversome of those pieces that you
might see as your strengths andalso recognizing.
Sometimes they might be comingacross in a way that could
potentially even be very harmfulbased on the state you're in.
I look forward very much to ourconversation.
As a reminder to our listeners,if you have a story to share or
a question, we would love tohear it and you can do that by
(13:05):
clicking the link in thedescription and as a thank you
then I'll do a follow up withyou to make sure your questions
fully answered and as a thankyou for supporting us in the
show, and I just want to thankyou so much for listening and
learning Shadow work.
When we do this, looking atsome of those negative things
can be hard, can feel icky andwe don't want to face it.
(13:28):
So kudos to you for listeningto this, considering some of
these pieces and applying themto your own leadership.
Thank you so much for listeningand, as we close, remember to
ask yourself what ripples areyou going to create this week?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
We hope you enjoyed the episode.
Make sure to subscribe, commentand connect with Leah at
meetleahca.
Every action you take as a leader has a ripple effect
, starting with your team, goingout to the organization and
even out into people's personallives.
Here we offer you the chance tolearn from real-life stories of
leadership so you can gain adeeper understanding and level
up your own skills Fromcommunication to culture, to
power and equity, to feedback,to resolving conflict and more.
(00:23):
Join us and make sure you'recreating the ripples you want.
Welcome to Leadership Rippleswith Leah Fink.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Hello and welcome to Leadership Ripples with Leah
Fink Today on the show, we aregoing to be talking about the
dark side, and I don't just meana Star Wars thing.
I am talking about the shadowside of how we show up for
people, how some of our besttraits can sometimes become the
dark side or the worst traits,and how they can impact people
(00:52):
negatively.
Sm shares his story.
I have a new staff who I'vebeen mentoring in their position
.
One of the things that Imentioned was that our office
will be supporting them doing aDISC personality assessment, as
we like to know how to bestrelate to each other.
Everyone does one when theystart.
She asked me what I was and Isaid I was a D or dominant
(01:12):
personality type.
She had a visible reaction andwhen I asked what was wrong, she
said she really doesn't likepeople who are D personalities.
It has shifted the way shereacts to me and I feel like I
did nothing wrong.
In fact, I'm kind of annoyedthat she took this and has
decided to judge me unfavorablyand unfairly with it.
So thank you so much forsharing your story, sm, and I
(01:35):
can understand how that would bea little frustrating.
No one likes being judged.
No one likes feeling like theydidn't deserve some sort of
negative impact, and, of course,you don't want your
relationship with this new staffto be impacted by something
that you probably feel you haveno control over.
And I can also empathize withthis staff member, because when
I hear something like this, itspeaks to some sort of previous
(01:57):
bad experience, and she wouldhave had to have something
reasonable to get to this placewhere she's casting that kind of
judgment on all people withdeep personality types.
Let's look at a couple of thethings that are happening here,
then, and I'm going to startwith the reality that whenever
you are in a leadership positionor you are going to take on the
role of impacting andinteracting with the history of
(02:21):
absolutely everyone that youlead so whether they had good
leaders, whether they had badleaders, that experience is now
going to be imposed upon you andyour relationship with them,
and I think that is a big partof what happened here.
Even if that person, theprevious people that were deep
personalities, weren't inleadership roles, there's
something of their pastexperience that they're bringing
(02:41):
forward into this that is nowbeing cast onto you, and it's
also helpful when you considerthat most people's trauma and
really negative experiences comefrom leadership, specifically
either misusing unconsciously orabusing their power.
Like I said, it could beunconscious, it could be a bit
more intentional.
They recognize they're having abad impact.
(03:03):
But when you combine that pieceof bad history and there's a
power dynamic here and thisperson's experience, it all
comes together and makes thingsa little more complicated for
you as a leader.
And we've discussed on the showbefore how everyone has their
own way of dealing with thosewho have more power than them
and that just means moreinfluence over some part of
(03:24):
their life.
So as a boss, obviously youhave more influence than your
employees.
You can hire them, fire them,decide who gets promotions, all
of those kinds of things.
And to react to this power,some people people please, some
people fight against it.
But this is all for a reason,right, they're trying to get
their needs met.
They're trying to protectthemselves when they did not
(03:44):
have enough power and influenceto do that before, and so again
they're bringing this behaviorforward to interact with you.
And maybe your staff's reactionis a little bit more on that
fight against or protect, if youlook at their experience before
the couple people that hadnegative traits or bad
experiences in thatdepersonality type.
This has made them wary offuture interactions.
(04:06):
And, like I said, even if thiswasn't a person in power,
weren't people in power that hadthis personality type?
You're representing not onlythis personality type that was a
negative thing but also thisleadership role, where they are
more vulnerable, where there isthis power dynamic and they have
this reaction.
So they possibly have takenthis step back in order to
protect themselves from thisdynamic, and that's very
(04:29):
understandable.
Now that does not mean in anyway that you can no longer have
a better relationship and ahealthy relationship with this
person.
You can, in fact, now be thatperson that.
Maybe that shows them thatpeople with primary D
personality types are nothorrible, but it does mean that,
with all these kind of factorsthat might be working against
that, you're going to have to bemore intentional, more
(04:50):
self-aware, more responsive tothat person, and I'm going to
break this down into twoapproaches that we can take with
this.
One is that more direct side ofhow we can approach them, and
then also looking at thisself-awareness piece overall,
and the first thing you could dois you can talk to your staff
member, you can ask them somequestions that'll help clarify
this.
You can ask what previousbehaviors they saw from people
(05:14):
with depersonality types andwhat they didn't like about them
.
What was the challenge?
What impacted them negatively?
Because, after all, personalitytypes are just a collection of
values that express themselvesthrough specific behaviors.
Well, personality types arejust a collection of values that
express themselves throughspecific behaviors.
You don't have to let go of thevalue that makes you a D
personality, but you can changethe behaviors around that.
Now the challenge with thisapproach if we come up to this
(05:36):
person and we're a D personalitytype and they've had bad
experiences with that, ds tendto be direct.
They can come across evenaggressive.
They can have a lot of energyand that might be your natural
way to approach someone andthat's not always a bad way to
approach someone.
But, considering the situation,you maybe want to handle them a
little bit more delicatelybecause otherwise this might
(05:58):
just reinforce some of thosethings that they were really
struggling with with these otherpeople.
So mitigate that as much as youcan, and one of the things you
can do is you can name that youcan recognize.
Hey, I want to ask you somequestions and I recognize that
this is my personality type.
I don't want that to continueto impact our relationship in a
(06:18):
negative way.
What are some ways we couldcommunicate around this?
I would keep this as soft asyou can.
I would give them some spaceand time to consider this Really
, watch for cues of howcomfortable they are and if they
don't accept that invitationright away, that's okay.
Don't badger them about it.
Don't keep asking questionsabout it.
Just give them some time andspace, respect that and
(06:39):
recognize that this wholeprocess might take a little
while.
That is okay.
And this is the other piece thatkind of leads into the
reflection that I hope everyoneis going to take from this is,
when we look at thesepersonality pieces, when we look
at how people interact and thekind of impact that we have on
others, there's going to be bothpositive and negative.
(07:00):
I can guarantee you, and almostguarantee at least, that in
some of those interactions thatthat person had with some people
who are primary D personalities, there were some good things
too, not everything that theyhated.
Not everything was perfect,obviously, but there are some
pieces to this, and thechallenge is when we're not
aware of this kind of shadowside that can come up about
(07:22):
these things that we value andcare about, the things that we
need in our lives.
So there is no such thing as agood personality type or bad
personality type, but there aretwo reasons that people often
perceive them as such as good orbad things.
Now I know that SM used DISC.
I use True Color, so I'm goingto talk a little bit more to
that, just so I can use my ownexpertise.
(07:43):
Then I'll loop it back around,and the first challenge that we
see is people can haveconflicting values, and this is,
in every case, not justpersonality types.
But, for example, someone whoreally values organization and
someone who really valuesspontaneity might see that
opposing thing as negativebecause it limits what they
value.
And of course, this can happenbetween people.
(08:04):
That's why we see disagreements, because people value different
things.
But they can even often happenwith ourselves.
You can have multiple valuesand needs that don't always
align perfectly with each otherand can feel a bit in conflict.
I know I've experienced this.
I can be both very logical andvery emotional.
Sometimes that part of methat's more logical judges the
piece that's emotional or viceversa, and have to kind of
(08:26):
contend with that, and that'sthe same thing we need to do in
our relationships not focusingon judging one or the other, but
recognizing we could havedifferent needs, different
values.
In this moment doesn't make onegood or bad, but recognizing it
allows us to work together.
Now, that's nice to say, that'sa great thing to be aware of.
But the second reason and Ithink what comes up even more
(08:48):
often that people can bejudgmental about different
personality types is because wedon't, of course, always display
the best traits of ourpersonality, the best behavior
around our values.
From when we're nice and calmand regulated, we are showing
the true strengths of thepersonality, of the values, of
the behavior that we have.
So the person who valuesrelationship and communication,
(09:12):
checks in on people, sees howthey're doing in a really
genuine way and makes them feelvery cared for, that person who
values structure can make plansthat really support everyone and
lead to successful outcomes.
That person who values researchcan find the absolute best
solution to a problem.
Or someone who values fun canreally raise the energy of the
(09:32):
whole environment, of everyonearound them.
But we're not always nice andcalm and regulated.
We are often under stress andfor most people, unfortunately,
the workplace is a stressfulenvironment.
It increases our stress.
Now, when we are stressed, allthose lovely traits that are
helpful and supportive forothers can become the reverse.
That person that valuesrelationship and connection can
(09:56):
quickly become smothering asthey're seeking this connection
and understanding just need tobe close to that person.
Someone who values structureand is now stressed is becoming
this micromanaging taskmaster asthey're seeking control of the
situation to feel better.
Someone who values researchmight become cold and uncaring
(10:16):
as they focus on having thatanswer because that answer will
make them less stressed.
Or someone who values fun canstart to disrupt anything they
see as constraining that funfrom happening, including
structure and other people.
They can just try to push thatto the side.
Coming back to DISC SM, you canconsider what are some of those
shadow sides of depersonalitytypes.
(10:37):
We already know that somepeople may already have a
challenge with, say, thedirectness because they have
opposing values.
But on top of that, what doesdirect look like when you're
stressed?
Is it as healthy?
Or are there some things thatyou notice that show up that
could be those challengingbehaviors.
And once again, this is alllogical.
(10:57):
This is all how people aretrying to meet their needs.
This is all related to ourvalues, what we care about, but
we can really be having quite anunintended negative impact on
people.
Once again, nothing is bad, butyou are literally showing
people the worst side of howyou're expressing that value,
and even beyond personality.
If you've listened to the showbefore, you know we talk a lot
(11:18):
about spectrums of behavior andhow, when you're calm and
conscious and responsive, youcan move along those spectrums
and really make the bestpossible decision for the
situation, for the person andit's not affected by that stress
piece.
You can really be responsive inthat moment, not reactive.
And if you look at thosespectrums, really what they are
(11:40):
is different values that mightbe opposing each other.
Right, being more firm withboundaries, being more flexible
with boundaries you can think ofsome of those values that come
from that.
Be more focused on task, beingmore focused on relationship you
can see the different valuesbehind that.
So, once again, not good or bad, just different places on the
spectrum to move.
And in the same way, when we'restressed, we tend to get stuck
(12:03):
on those spectrums.
Right, if we prefer task, wemight get stressed.
We have to really finish tasks.
We ignore all thoserelationship pieces and, again,
that doesn't become a helpfulsituation that becomes a
situation where you're showingalmost a negative trait of that
task focusedness, SM.
I hope you're able to recognizeand maybe take less personally
(12:24):
the ways that the staff isreacting towards you, because it
isn't all on you that this hashappened before, but you really
do have a great ability and thisopportunity to now interact
with them in this new way thatyou can be really intentional,
really supportive and help themreconnect with you in an even
stronger way.
And hopefully you also gained alittle bit more awareness and
(12:45):
had a chance to reflect oversome of those pieces that you
might see as your strengths andalso recognizing.
Sometimes they might be comingacross in a way that could
potentially even be very harmfulbased on the state you're in.
I look forward very much to ourconversation.
As a reminder to our listeners,if you have a story to share or
a question, we would love tohear it and you can do that by
(13:05):
clicking the link in thedescription and as a thank you
then I'll do a follow up withyou to make sure your questions
fully answered and as a thankyou for supporting us in the
show, and I just want to thankyou so much for listening and
learning Shadow work.
When we do this, looking atsome of those negative things
can be hard, can feel icky andwe don't want to face it.
(13:28):
So kudos to you for listeningto this, considering some of
these pieces and applying themto your own leadership.
Thank you so much for listeningand, as we close, remember to
ask yourself what ripples areyou going to create this week?
Speaker 1 (13:42):
We hope you enjoyed the episode.
Make sure to subscribe, commentand connect with Leah at
meetleahca.
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