June 18, 2024 • 35 mins
Ever questioned how much of your identity is truly yours and how much is shaped by society?
Join me as we explore the profound impact of social conditioning on our beliefs, values, and entrepreneurial journeys. In today's podcast, I highlight how nature and nurture influence and mold our perceptions and actions. This episode sheds light on unnoticed ingrained beliefs, empowering you to consciously choose which ones serve your best interests.
Three Takeaways from Today's Podcast:
1. Question Long-Held Beliefs: Reflect on your beliefs and values to determine which ones are genuinely yours and which are shaped by societal expectations. Challenge these long-held beliefs to foster personal growth.
2. Practice Gratitude: Embrace a gratitude practice to shift your mindset and enhance your self-awareness. Recognizing the positive aspects of your life can help realign inherited beliefs with your personal growth goals.
3. Build a Supportive Community: Engage with a community that challenges societal norms and fosters personal growth. Surround yourself with individuals who support your journey towards self-awareness and empowerment.
Discover how to balance business with inherited habits and create positive legacies for future generations.
If this episode resonated with you, help your friends, and family in their growth journey. Let's break free from our old conditioning and embrace continuous self-improvement.
Want to attract aligned clients with less hustle and more heart?
Follow @nkbizguru on Instagram and get access to Nikisha’s 5-Star SCALE™ Framework at her More Profit, Less Chaos masterclass.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nikisha King (00:21):
Hello, gorgeous, welcome to NK Productions'
Leading Her Way podcast, wherewe see the human, evolving and
resilient spirit in you.
I'm your host, N ikisha King,and welcome to the Identity
Series.
On this episode, we're going totalk about breaking, but
creating a new cycle that willserve us on our personal path to
(00:46):
success.
Now, in this episode, I'm goingto touch on how our social
norms have shaped the sense ofself and affects our
entrepreneurial journey, howyour social norms, how your
identity, how your beliefs andvalues can either hinder you or
(01:07):
support you on your journey.
Now, in diving into thisepisode, I'm going to talk about
how our influence, ourconditioning, our identity
formation has created a mindsetwith limiting beliefs.
(01:27):
But the question is do you haveto keep that or can you create
something new?
Can you update this socialconditioning, this mindset?
Can you create somethingdifferent so that your outcome
and your future generation'soutcome can be different?
(01:48):
In other words, let's see if wecan break free from our
limiting norms and forge our ownpaths, the paths that we decide
for ourself.
Now, that is a challenge, but Iknow it's possible because I
had to do that for myself andI'm going to share with you in
(02:09):
my story.
But before we get to the story.
You know what I love doing.
I love defining what we'regoing to talk about, because if
we define it, you and I can geton the same page, and if we're
on the same page then we canunderstand each other.
And if we're on the same pagethen we can understand each
other.
So before we dive in, let'sdefine our central concept for
(02:35):
today social conditioning.
Social conditioning refers tothe process by which individuals
like you and me internalize oursocietal norms, so our values,
our beliefs.
They're often from ourupbringing.
Understand.
When you're born in a worldthey call it a clean slate.
I still think you have someform of a personality, because
I've seen it in the womb of mykids but a clean slate and the
(02:59):
norms, social norms, theconditioning of the people
raising you, whoever that is,your grandparents, your parents,
your aunts, your uncles,adoption.
It doesn't matter who thebeautiful people are.
They have beliefs and values.
Therefore, in your upbringing,what they believe becomes your
belief.
(03:20):
You're not given a choice,you're not given an option.
Even though some people believethey're giving their kids the
option, they're still managingthat child's upbringing from the
time they're born.
They're very dependent on you.
They're putting thatconditioning on that wonderful,
beautiful new human being.
So as you're growing,upbringing, they're ingraining
(03:45):
their beliefs and their beliefsare shaping your perception of
self and the world around you,influencing your behaviors, your
decisions, even as anentrepreneur.
Today, you're being driven bythose beliefs that were never
yours to begin with and you arefine if they're yours because
(04:05):
you want them to be.
But please don't misunderstandthis podcast.
It is not about telling youwhat you should or shouldn't be,
because I don't believe in theshoulds and the woulds and the
could-haves and all of thosethings.
I want to always give you anaha moment so you get to decide.
This podcast is not aboutsocietal norms and it's not
(04:26):
about giving you things that youdon't want or you don't choose
or you're unconscious to.
How do I bring this to yourconsciousness?
So you get to do what feelsright for you.
Now, as a young lady, when I wasyounger, I have two parents who
(04:46):
are from the Caribbean.
Therefore, my social norms andupbringing comes from that
Caribbean point of view.
And being young and growing up,that's what drove me until I
started to go to school in theUS, where I was born.
Drove me until I started to goto school in the US, where I was
(05:09):
born, and once I started to beexposed to the nature part I'm
assuming the part of my outsideworld, they had now the
opportunity to condition mebased on their beliefs and
values.
When I went to pre-K and K, Iwas in a Catholic school, so I
had the upbringing from aCatholic belief system.
However, the teachers teachingme were not nuns.
(05:35):
They all were not nuns.
So I didn't have the Catholicupbringing and values because
the teachers who were workingthere were not nuns.
They were regular teachers,like in regular clothing,
different lifestyles, the valuesthey received at home they
brought to the education world.
They teach me the curriculum,but they judged my good and bad
(05:58):
based on the values and beliefsthey carried.
So if we're talking in class,we're being disruptive.
That's a bad thing based ontheir understanding, based on
the curriculum, the school,whatever it is, and that might
be disruptive.
So what they would do, theywould get your attention,
sometimes they would even pullyour ears, because in the
(06:21):
Catholic school system in the80s that was still okay and that
was far better than what theyused to do way before that.
Because you have to rememberthere was also physical abuse in
the Catholic system years andyears, because that was
discipline.
Remember discipline.
Physical discipline happenedthrough slavery because it was a
(06:44):
form of getting someone in linewith what you wanted them to do
, right.
So in the 80s, as I go toschool, that was pulling of the
ears.
Thank God I've neverimplemented that with my kids
because I don't do any physicaldiscipline with my children, but
even that was a thing.
So as I'm growing up, I'mlearning from the outside world.
(07:06):
I go to high school, I'mlearning from my friends.
Right Now I'm exposed even moreto so many things sexual
conversations, activities, theway they cut school, what we do,
stealing everything, anythingopen.
I was just.
As I matured, I became lessdependent on my parents and the
(07:28):
outside world and my inner worldstarted to give me social norms
.
And this too may happen to youor may have happened to you, and
looks different.
Right, your upbringing looksdifferent, the way that your
family raised you, dinners,family dinners.
All of that Because in myhousehold we really are obsessed
(07:49):
with family dinners, althoughwe don't have them Meaning every
day at 6.30, 5.30, we do notsit at a table, eat dinner
together, but there arehouseholds who do, and me and my
husband sometimes feel jealousand I think where does this come
from?
Because when we eat dinner, weeat dinner in the kitchen or in
the living room, and it depends.
(08:10):
Sometimes we eat in the livingroom together I don't know if
you watch those old shows wherethey watch a show but they're
eating dinner together on thosedinner trays.
Sometimes we do that.
Sometimes we eat at the table,but not all the time.
But I always check in with mykids not at the dinner table
when they get home from school,because I'm here, I'm not coming
from work.
So there are moments we reallywant this condition that was
(08:33):
given to us, that eating at thefamily dinner at a certain time
and everyone's eating the samemeal.
Right, we all know about yourkids wanting different meals,
don't we?
It's something that we areholding on to.
We constantly try and I promiseyou we try, because my husband
literally said the other daylet's start doing this.
(08:54):
I put a timer on, I put areminder on the you know what
the machines we have in ourhouse and to this day we have
not implemented this wholeeating at dinner or eating our
dinner together at the table.
And I'm like why are we livingup to this norm?
Where did this come from?
But it came from television.
(09:15):
It came from us not having it,so we're trying to do it.
It also comes from a place ofwe want to have more family time
and talk to our kids.
But I know we talk to our kidson the weekends.
Talk to our kids, but I know wetalk to our kids on the
weekends when we do family day.
I know we talk to them whenthey come home from school.
Well, I usually am alwaystrying to speak to them and do
things.
But he's right, I feel likewe're missing opportunities and
(09:37):
I'm like, how do we get better?
But somehow, some way, we'renot getting better because we
haven't decided to get better.
That's my point of view.
Once you make a decision, youfollow through.
I haven't decided I'm stillgoing why we have to do this.
Hence the reason I'm not doingit, but anyway.
So our norms, our social norms,have created these beliefs and
(10:00):
values within ourselves, andthat's what I kind of want to
say to you.
How are your social norms andconditioning your identity and I
say it's your identity, becausethese beliefs become your
identity, they become the thingthat you judge right or wrong
through this, and how does itaffect your entrepreneur journey
(10:21):
?
How does it affect you Periodentrepreneur journey.
How does it affect you Period?
So in my upbringing there wasone statement my mom would make.
Anytime I got in trouble, mymom literally thought I was
following someone.
That's why I got in trouble.
So when I would get in trouble,my mom would say to me, in her
(10:42):
conversation of being upset,yelling at me, whatever it is,
there was one statement thiswoman made to me and it was
don't be a follower, be a leader.
Every time.
So she literally wasbrainwashing me to be a leader
and in all of those times itstuck with me.
(11:04):
Every time I got in troubleBecause to this day I never was.
When I say follower, I didn'tfollow anyone.
I didn't do anything I wantedto do, I was always leading.
I even leaded with my parents.
I didn't listen to them becauseI was being a leader, but my
mom didn't realize that I had mymom and dad in my life and
(11:25):
every time they would try totell me something I'll do
whatever I wanted to do, butthey didn't realize my mom
brainwashed me to be a leader,so I'm not going to follow you.
Her following didn't say followyour parents and not anyone
else.
It just said don't be afollower.
So hence the reason I didn'tfollow anyone.
But I also didn't need theexternal validation from anyone
(11:47):
as well.
I didn't need someone'scompliment statement to validate
me as a being, because my momtold me don't be a follower, be
a leader.
And leaders don't needvalidation because leaders are
leading without caring aboutanyone's validation, and it was
(12:11):
just that value and belief sheput in me that allows me to do a
little bit more riskier things,because I don't need validation
.
And I look at this as one ofthe gifts she has given me.
And this gift has served mewell.
Right, this belief, thisconditioning have served me well
, so I keep that one.
Now there are other gifts myparents have given to me that I
(12:34):
know don't serve me well in thisstage of my life.
So one of those can be, forexample, yelling.
Right, my mom's voice carriesvery far, very loud, because her
mom, my grandmother, was avendor in a fish market and in
the Caribbean.
When you're a vendor in anymarket, you don't have a mic and
(13:00):
an amplifier.
Your amplifier is your voice.
So in order for my grandmotherto sell, she had to yell and be
loud to grab the attention ofthe consumer.
So, of course, her doing thisdaily.
When she came home, she spokewith a high volume.
When she came home, she spokewith a high volume, even
(13:20):
speaking in a normal way.
So of course, my mom picked upthis habit and of course, living
with my mom, I picked up thishabit.
I know there are moments when Iget excited, my pitch of my
voice increases and sometimes myhusband goes babe, why are you
getting so loud?
Even though I'm not arguing,fighting or doing any of that, I
(13:41):
just automatically am excitedin my conversation.
So in learning this and trustme, when I was younger I was
always told by my mom why areyou yelling?
Why are you screaming?
But I'm like I'm not yelling.
But when we tell my mom thesame thing, she says the same
thing.
She's not yelling.
So it is this constantconditioning and when I was
(14:04):
younger, I'm learning how tokeep my tone down or my volume
down, while I'm still excited ofwhatever I'm excited about.
So it's a constant managementand work to shift this gift,
this social norm, I've beengiven by my grandmother and it's
amazing because, as I mature, Idefinitely had to do work to
(14:29):
see what social norms were Icarrying?
What conditioning from myupbringing was I carrying and,
at this point in my life, was itserving me?
Did it really help me be theperson I decide I want to be?
And that's what we're talkingabout today identifying these.
(14:49):
Now, social norms are differentbecause they come from the
external world.
So, as a woman of color, youhave to understand I have a lot
of stories and I have a lot ofupbringing.
That is from a time when peopleof color, black people, were
suppressed or oppressed in theUnited States Understand
(15:16):
beautiful brown people and Idespise using colors, but it's
sometimes the identifier.
But the different races in theworld have been oppressed by
others who thought they wereinferior, and that oppression
brought about these complexideas and norms of what should
(15:39):
be about.
These complex ideas and normsof what should be Today.
I was listening to a podcastfrom my coach, brooke Costello,
and Cara Lowenthal, a lawyer,and they were speaking about her
new book Cara's new book andone of the norms they spoke
about societal norms was aboutwomen in the past, the 1900s,
(16:00):
and I'm talking about women whoare not of color, and how they
were oppressed as well by theman because they couldn't have
their own bank account.
They couldn't have financials.
They took care of the kids.
Societal norms was as a woman,your responsibility is to take
care of the household, the kidsand budgeting.
(16:21):
But men didn't allow women tobudget because they wouldn't
know the numbers for the moneyand that's something they
shouldn't know.
Also, not so long ago, womendidn't have rights and they were
with their father whocontrolled their lives.
And then they got married andthen that man took over and
controlled their life.
If you notice, when you getmarried, your father is giving
(16:42):
you over to this new man.
Now this new man is supposed totake the role of your father
and being responsible for youand ensuring you're safe.
Right, it's a big societal normand, trust me, my father walked
me down the aisle and gave methe John, but I knew he wasn't
(17:04):
giving me the John in the way ofback in the days where I was
going to do all the societalnorms although I believe I still
do.
I am still responsible for mykids' activities.
My husband's stepping up tothat more now, but it's still
always on me when I have to dealwith my daughter's documents
and paperwork and up all thethings.
It always comes to me.
(17:24):
It never goes to him.
And then it's just me, right?
I always my daughter will havea trip and need a paper sign.
She will find me to sign thatpaper.
She would never go to him.
So I believe we still practicesocietal norms in our household,
in our family.
However, the one we don'tpractice is that how can I say
(17:47):
this that I don't have the rightto go out and earn, I don't
have the right to come up andshow up on this podcast and give
value and create a community ofgrowth and strength.
I have all rights to that and Iknow that because people died
for me, like Martin Luther KingJr Dr Martin Luther King Jr.
(18:08):
And in regards to that, I nowhave rights and societal norms
are still there.
But, trust me, I fight them.
I literally fight them, but Idon't fight them.
I just shift because they nolonger serve me.
I don't want to be stuck.
I don't want to be stuck by theconditioning, by what others
(18:31):
think I should be.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I am so tired of so manyconditions I carry and they
usually bog me down, and I don'tknow about you but these
societal norms, theseexpectations of what I should be
as a woman of color, are heavy,and I just want to be free of
(18:53):
it.
And in order for me to be freeof it, I have to take actions.
I have to do things different.
You have to do things different.
You have to do things differentif you choose not to keep your
old values and beliefs becausethere's something more you
desire.
And if there's something moreyou desire, I know you can have
(19:14):
it Deep down in my bones.
I know you can have it, but youhave to believe that too, and
if you don't, then it's justgoing to take a little bit
longer for you, and I just hopeit doesn't come to you the day
you have no other, you have nolife in you, the day where, if
you're on that bed and it's thattime to leave this physical
(19:38):
earth that it doesn't hit youthat you didn't get to do what
you wanted to do.
So, with that, what I wouldlike to do is tell you a couple
of actions that you can takethat will support you in your
journey.
Okay, here's some action threeaction steps that I want you to
(19:59):
take away, and I want you toimplement it in your life the
way you see fit.
Sometimes we're given actionplans but we don't do it.
And, trust me, I speak to somany people and I share advice,
and I usually don't want toshare advice.
The reason is not because Iwant to hold back, but I know
that that advice might go on.
Raisin is not because I want tohold back, but I know that that
(20:20):
vice might go on.
How can they say that biblicalterm land on cement and not be
rooted?
And some do trust me, but it'snot my business what gets like
planted and what doesn't.
I am just here to share andthey can take it in however they
want to Remember.
That's the key here.
No one has to do anything I say, and you don't ever have to do
(20:48):
anything I say.
But when you're ready, thecontent is here for you to come
back and take what you need fromit.
So some action steps.
The first one is question yourbeliefs.
Yes, question it.
I did.
I questioned my values and mybeliefs.
So one of them for me was myspirituality, my God.
(21:11):
I love God with all of my being.
I know I'm not fearful of God.
I know I'm not fearful of Godbecause God is love, god is kind
, god is energy, god is amazing.
God is not a physical constructto me.
God doesn't punish me, butthat's my belief when I was
(21:34):
growing up.
When I did bad, whatever badwas based on someone else's
opinion and values, god willpunish me.
That's what I was brought upwith, but I know now that is not
my belief.
I've decided to let go of theold understanding of God and
create an understanding thatserves me in my journey.
(21:56):
You may not believe in God Fine, but there is something that
might guide you in your journeyand have a different name or no
name, it doesn't matter, itdoesn't really.
It's up to you to know whathelps you through your day to
day, and I know what helps me.
(22:18):
So I'm going to say questionyour beliefs, take a critical
look at your beliefs and valuesthat you've inherited from the
beginning of your time and lookat this and say does it serve me
, does it serve me not?
And in order for you toquestion your beliefs, you have
to actually take time to seethem.
What are you doing?
(22:39):
What are you thinking?
You have to actually take timeto see them.
What are you doing?
What are you thinking?
Do you believe in yourhousehold that your husband
should work to the bone just tomake sure everyone's okay.
And if that works for you andyou believe that and it serves
you because you get to do theother half take care of your
home, the kids and you enjoydoing that then that works, that
(22:59):
serves you Great.
But if you feel like you're notdoing your purpose and you're
being depleted and remember yourkids leave.
So after that, what are yougoing to do and you feel like
you're lost?
Re-evaluate your beliefs.
Have the discussion withyourself first, because this is
a discussion with you.
It's not about anyone else,it's about you, right?
(23:21):
Ask yourself whether thesebeliefs align with your
authentic self and youraspirations.
It's okay to ask this question,to care about you and your
aspirations.
The people you care for willgrow up and leave.
The people you're with willleave in some form.
They'll leave in having theirown independence.
(23:44):
They'll leave in death.
They'll leave because that timeof the relationship is over.
People are not there or you'renot there till the end of time,
right, your end of time is whenyou expire or when you pass.
Your physical being leaves.
So question your beliefs,challenge the validity of the
(24:07):
ingrained norms and considerwhether they serve you.
Do they serve your growth.
Do they serve your fulfillment?
How are they serving you?
If they're not, you get theopportunity to create a
different norm or condition thatwill help you and create a
better generation going forward.
(24:28):
Better cycle.
Second action cultivateself-awareness.
Omg, how I love this one.
Through introspection,mindfulness and reflection, pay
attention to your thoughts, payattention to your behaviors and
(24:54):
examine how they may influenceyour journey, your emotions,
your behavior and your thoughts.
They all align.
That thought you haveautomatically ignites a feeling
of vibration in your body andyou're going to feel a certain
(25:14):
way.
And for a fact, when you feel acertain way, your behavior is
affected by those feelings.
Your behavior is affected bythose feelings when you're sad.
Every time you're sad, thebehavior is the same.
You withdraw, you get quiet.
You withdraw, you get quiet,you start ruminating in your
(25:35):
mind.
Listen, it's not really sciencehere, people.
When you feel angry, you yell.
You either yell or you getquiet and you storm out of that
room, because you know if youstay there just a little bit
longer, you can become physical.
Or the words you say will, theywill be heavy when you're
(26:01):
feeling angry, because thethought you're having, they
don't care about me, they don'tvalue me, they don't see me,
they disrespected me.
Omg, that thought creates thatanger and that anger creates a
behavior that can be toxic.
Listen, this is so important.
(26:21):
Definitely, definitely.
Cultivate your self-awarenessin this journey of finding out
what serves you and what doesn'tand, yes, it takes time to get
really clear about thisself-awareness that is your
identity.
And then, third, embrace yourempowerment.
(26:42):
Embrace your empowerment bytaking ownership of your beliefs
and your choices.
It's yours If you got it whenyou were younger and it still
serves you today because you'remaking that decision, it's yours
.
Wear it proudly if you want to.
If you get angry and you yelland you know when you yell
(27:02):
you're just loving all of thatand you know that it's being
received, well then okay.
But if you know that you yelland it hurts the people you
truly love and you don't likehow that feels after, then what
are you going to do with that?
Definitely, embrace yourempowerment to take ownership of
(27:27):
the choices you make in regardsto the identity you have have,
recognize that, the power torewrite.
Rewrite your narrative andshape your journey
(27:48):
entrepreneurial, personaljourney on your terms.
Last year, on my birthday, Iturned 43.
I called everyone on mybirthday.
I did not wait for them to callme and I shed how I feel about
them, the love, the appreciationand the everyone was the people
who raised me my mother, myfather, my siblings and what I
(28:10):
was doing was returning the giftthat they gave me, the limited
thoughts that they gave me, thepain that they gave me, and I
just told them how much I lovethem and thank them for doing
what they did, and tears came tomy eyes, but what I was doing
was returning all of the giftsthey gave me and decided it's
time for me to stand up on mytwo feet.
I have that power, I have thatright and I recreated new gifts.
(28:32):
So as I move in my newgeneration of my children and
them, I give them new gifts.
That helps them become betterin their journey.
Can I say it's better?
That's my opinion.
That's not their opinion.
But they get small little giftsbecause of the exposure that I
provide for them.
(28:52):
But in order for me to providean exposure, a belief, a value
that might align better withwhere they are today, I had to
do the change first.
I needed the right.
I need to empower myself tomake these decisions for me as
much as you have to do the samething for you, whatever that is.
Embrace that right, empoweryourselves to make that decision
(29:16):
of what works and what doesn't,and surround yourself with
supportive people to help you,empower you on your journey, to
help you challenge your societalnorms, to help you embrace your
authentic self.
We are not built to be alone.
(29:38):
Hence the reason in our past,right, the pre, what they call
it those years of us becominghumans when we didn't have all
this tech and all this, all thisstuff, like in the ages I don't
even know what they call itprehistoric ages, who knows?
Community was so importantbecause it's how we survived.
Right, if a predator was in ourarea, if you were by yourself,
(30:02):
you were eaten.
No doubt we see it in animalsthe community, the cluster, the
grouping, but find a communitythat is beneficial to your
journey.
So, if you want to be empowered,if you want to see your beliefs
(30:23):
and you want to be able toanalyze them and check them out
and talk about them freely, finda society that allows you to do
that freely.
Get real, be open to thecoaching, the transformation and
the moments where you're goingto have valleys, because you're
going to feel very, veryuncomfortable, but know that
(30:43):
when you're uncomfortable,that's the moment where you're
going to grow.
So the three takeaways you'retaking away from this episode is
question your beliefs, questionwhat you have and is it working
for you?
Cultivate self-awareness,definitely.
Be mindful.
Check in with your behavior,emotions, your thoughts.
Check in with you and embraceempowerment.
(31:06):
Join a community that upliftsyour choices.
Know that you have the abilityto say this doesn't serve me and
I want to change it.
And it takes time.
It doesn't take a day.
It never takes a day.
Your subconscious has beenmolded for years.
To do the work is to make thechange, and that requires such
(31:28):
discipline and consistency.
So the question is are youready to break free from the
constraints of socialconditioning and forge your own
path to your success?
Are you truly ready for this?
There are moments I'm exhaustedfrom carrying so much of
(31:54):
society's point of view aboutwho I should be, what I should
be.
I am so tired and being tiredpushes me to do things like this
where I'm like one more thing.
But here's the thing If I lookat it as one more thing, it
limits me, but if I look at itas an opportunity to see the
(32:17):
people I truly appreciate andwho gets value from me showing
up every week on this podcast,then so be it.
And understand something thevalue I give here, I give it
without any commercials, withoutany return of currency or tool.
But as I do this, I am limitedbecause I'm one person.
(32:40):
So there are moments wherethere's a transfer of value,
there are moments where I haveto stand on stage and speak to
thousands of people andunderstand.
I will do that, I am doing that,I will do that, I am doing that
and I love it because if I canget with you in a room and be a
asset to you and yourempowerment and transformation,
(33:02):
then I am raising my hand forthat journey, because I truly,
truly know you can do it and Ilove seeing you go from the
place of uncertainty tocertainty, to growth.
It is one of the best giftsthat I'm going to say I give
myself.
To just be there with you isthe gift.
(33:22):
So, once again, thank you somuch for joining me on this
lengthy episode today, and Ihope it hit you exactly where it
needed to and trust.
If you found value in thisepisode, please, please, give it
to the person, share it so youcan help them in their journey
(33:43):
by one simple step.
Thank you, my love, and have abeautiful day.
Hey, before you go, I got agolden opportunity for you.
Yes, you, it's a chance that'stoo good to pass up.
A chance to work with meone-on-one, practically for free
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(34:05):
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But what if I told you I canhelp you get rid of that feeling
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And remember, don't tell anyoneabout this great opportunity.
It's just between you and me.
Hello, gorgeous, welcome to NK Productions'
Leading Her Way podcast, wherewe see the human, evolving and
resilient spirit in you.
I'm your host, N ikisha King,and welcome to the Identity
Series.
On this episode, we're going totalk about breaking, but
creating a new cycle that willserve us on our personal path to
(00:46):
success.
Now, in this episode, I'm goingto touch on how our social
norms have shaped the sense ofself and affects our
entrepreneurial journey, howyour social norms, how your
identity, how your beliefs andvalues can either hinder you or
(01:07):
support you on your journey.
Now, in diving into thisepisode, I'm going to talk about
how our influence, ourconditioning, our identity
formation has created a mindsetwith limiting beliefs.
(01:27):
But the question is do you haveto keep that or can you create
something new?
Can you update this socialconditioning, this mindset?
Can you create somethingdifferent so that your outcome
and your future generation'soutcome can be different?
(01:48):
In other words, let's see if wecan break free from our
limiting norms and forge our ownpaths, the paths that we decide
for ourself.
Now, that is a challenge, but Iknow it's possible because I
had to do that for myself andI'm going to share with you in
(02:09):
my story.
But before we get to the story.
You know what I love doing.
I love defining what we'regoing to talk about, because if
we define it, you and I can geton the same page, and if we're
on the same page then we canunderstand each other.
And if we're on the same pagethen we can understand each
other.
So before we dive in, let'sdefine our central concept for
(02:35):
today social conditioning.
Social conditioning refers tothe process by which individuals
like you and me internalize oursocietal norms, so our values,
our beliefs.
They're often from ourupbringing.
Understand.
When you're born in a worldthey call it a clean slate.
I still think you have someform of a personality, because
I've seen it in the womb of mykids but a clean slate and the
(02:59):
norms, social norms, theconditioning of the people
raising you, whoever that is,your grandparents, your parents,
your aunts, your uncles,adoption.
It doesn't matter who thebeautiful people are.
They have beliefs and values.
Therefore, in your upbringing,what they believe becomes your
belief.
(03:20):
You're not given a choice,you're not given an option.
Even though some people believethey're giving their kids the
option, they're still managingthat child's upbringing from the
time they're born.
They're very dependent on you.
They're putting thatconditioning on that wonderful,
beautiful new human being.
So as you're growing,upbringing, they're ingraining
(03:45):
their beliefs and their beliefsare shaping your perception of
self and the world around you,influencing your behaviors, your
decisions, even as anentrepreneur.
Today, you're being driven bythose beliefs that were never
yours to begin with and you arefine if they're yours because
(04:05):
you want them to be.
But please don't misunderstandthis podcast.
It is not about telling youwhat you should or shouldn't be,
because I don't believe in theshoulds and the woulds and the
could-haves and all of thosethings.
I want to always give you anaha moment so you get to decide.
This podcast is not aboutsocietal norms and it's not
(04:26):
about giving you things that youdon't want or you don't choose
or you're unconscious to.
How do I bring this to yourconsciousness?
So you get to do what feelsright for you.
Now, as a young lady, when I wasyounger, I have two parents who
(04:46):
are from the Caribbean.
Therefore, my social norms andupbringing comes from that
Caribbean point of view.
And being young and growing up,that's what drove me until I
started to go to school in theUS, where I was born.
Drove me until I started to goto school in the US, where I was
(05:09):
born, and once I started to beexposed to the nature part I'm
assuming the part of my outsideworld, they had now the
opportunity to condition mebased on their beliefs and
values.
When I went to pre-K and K, Iwas in a Catholic school, so I
had the upbringing from aCatholic belief system.
However, the teachers teachingme were not nuns.
(05:35):
They all were not nuns.
So I didn't have the Catholicupbringing and values because
the teachers who were workingthere were not nuns.
They were regular teachers,like in regular clothing,
different lifestyles, the valuesthey received at home they
brought to the education world.
They teach me the curriculum,but they judged my good and bad
(05:58):
based on the values and beliefsthey carried.
So if we're talking in class,we're being disruptive.
That's a bad thing based ontheir understanding, based on
the curriculum, the school,whatever it is, and that might
be disruptive.
So what they would do, theywould get your attention,
sometimes they would even pullyour ears, because in the
(06:21):
Catholic school system in the80s that was still okay and that
was far better than what theyused to do way before that.
Because you have to rememberthere was also physical abuse in
the Catholic system years andyears, because that was
discipline.
Remember discipline.
Physical discipline happenedthrough slavery because it was a
(06:44):
form of getting someone in linewith what you wanted them to do
, right.
So in the 80s, as I go toschool, that was pulling of the
ears.
Thank God I've neverimplemented that with my kids
because I don't do any physicaldiscipline with my children, but
even that was a thing.
So as I'm growing up, I'mlearning from the outside world.
(07:06):
I go to high school, I'mlearning from my friends.
Right Now I'm exposed even moreto so many things sexual
conversations, activities, theway they cut school, what we do,
stealing everything, anythingopen.
I was just.
As I matured, I became lessdependent on my parents and the
(07:28):
outside world and my inner worldstarted to give me social norms
.
And this too may happen to youor may have happened to you, and
looks different.
Right, your upbringing looksdifferent, the way that your
family raised you, dinners,family dinners.
All of that Because in myhousehold we really are obsessed
(07:49):
with family dinners, althoughwe don't have them Meaning every
day at 6.30, 5.30, we do notsit at a table, eat dinner
together, but there arehouseholds who do, and me and my
husband sometimes feel jealousand I think where does this come
from?
Because when we eat dinner, weeat dinner in the kitchen or in
the living room, and it depends.
(08:10):
Sometimes we eat in the livingroom together I don't know if
you watch those old shows wherethey watch a show but they're
eating dinner together on thosedinner trays.
Sometimes we do that.
Sometimes we eat at the table,but not all the time.
But I always check in with mykids not at the dinner table
when they get home from school,because I'm here, I'm not coming
from work.
So there are moments we reallywant this condition that was
(08:33):
given to us, that eating at thefamily dinner at a certain time
and everyone's eating the samemeal.
Right, we all know about yourkids wanting different meals,
don't we?
It's something that we areholding on to.
We constantly try and I promiseyou we try, because my husband
literally said the other daylet's start doing this.
(08:54):
I put a timer on, I put areminder on the you know what
the machines we have in ourhouse and to this day we have
not implemented this wholeeating at dinner or eating our
dinner together at the table.
And I'm like why are we livingup to this norm?
Where did this come from?
But it came from television.
(09:15):
It came from us not having it,so we're trying to do it.
It also comes from a place ofwe want to have more family time
and talk to our kids.
But I know we talk to our kidson the weekends.
Talk to our kids, but I know wetalk to our kids on the
weekends when we do family day.
I know we talk to them whenthey come home from school.
Well, I usually am alwaystrying to speak to them and do
things.
But he's right, I feel likewe're missing opportunities and
(09:37):
I'm like, how do we get better?
But somehow, some way, we'renot getting better because we
haven't decided to get better.
That's my point of view.
Once you make a decision, youfollow through.
I haven't decided I'm stillgoing why we have to do this.
Hence the reason I'm not doingit, but anyway.
So our norms, our social norms,have created these beliefs and
(10:00):
values within ourselves, andthat's what I kind of want to
say to you.
How are your social norms andconditioning your identity and I
say it's your identity, becausethese beliefs become your
identity, they become the thingthat you judge right or wrong
through this, and how does itaffect your entrepreneur journey
(10:21):
?
How does it affect you Periodentrepreneur journey.
How does it affect you Period?
So in my upbringing there wasone statement my mom would make.
Anytime I got in trouble, mymom literally thought I was
following someone.
That's why I got in trouble.
So when I would get in trouble,my mom would say to me, in her
(10:42):
conversation of being upset,yelling at me, whatever it is,
there was one statement thiswoman made to me and it was
don't be a follower, be a leader.
Every time.
So she literally wasbrainwashing me to be a leader
and in all of those times itstuck with me.
(11:04):
Every time I got in troubleBecause to this day I never was.
When I say follower, I didn'tfollow anyone.
I didn't do anything I wantedto do, I was always leading.
I even leaded with my parents.
I didn't listen to them becauseI was being a leader, but my
mom didn't realize that I had mymom and dad in my life and
(11:25):
every time they would try totell me something I'll do
whatever I wanted to do, butthey didn't realize my mom
brainwashed me to be a leader,so I'm not going to follow you.
Her following didn't say followyour parents and not anyone
else.
It just said don't be afollower.
So hence the reason I didn'tfollow anyone.
But I also didn't need theexternal validation from anyone
(11:47):
as well.
I didn't need someone'scompliment statement to validate
me as a being, because my momtold me don't be a follower, be
a leader.
And leaders don't needvalidation because leaders are
leading without caring aboutanyone's validation, and it was
(12:11):
just that value and belief sheput in me that allows me to do a
little bit more riskier things,because I don't need validation
.
And I look at this as one ofthe gifts she has given me.
And this gift has served mewell.
Right, this belief, thisconditioning have served me well
, so I keep that one.
Now there are other gifts myparents have given to me that I
(12:34):
know don't serve me well in thisstage of my life.
So one of those can be, forexample, yelling.
Right, my mom's voice carriesvery far, very loud, because her
mom, my grandmother, was avendor in a fish market and in
the Caribbean.
When you're a vendor in anymarket, you don't have a mic and
(13:00):
an amplifier.
Your amplifier is your voice.
So in order for my grandmotherto sell, she had to yell and be
loud to grab the attention ofthe consumer.
So, of course, her doing thisdaily.
When she came home, she spokewith a high volume.
When she came home, she spokewith a high volume, even
(13:20):
speaking in a normal way.
So of course, my mom picked upthis habit and of course, living
with my mom, I picked up thishabit.
I know there are moments when Iget excited, my pitch of my
voice increases and sometimes myhusband goes babe, why are you
getting so loud?
Even though I'm not arguing,fighting or doing any of that, I
(13:41):
just automatically am excitedin my conversation.
So in learning this and trustme, when I was younger I was
always told by my mom why areyou yelling?
Why are you screaming?
But I'm like I'm not yelling.
But when we tell my mom thesame thing, she says the same
thing.
She's not yelling.
So it is this constantconditioning and when I was
(14:04):
younger, I'm learning how tokeep my tone down or my volume
down, while I'm still excited ofwhatever I'm excited about.
So it's a constant managementand work to shift this gift,
this social norm, I've beengiven by my grandmother and it's
amazing because, as I mature, Idefinitely had to do work to
(14:29):
see what social norms were Icarrying?
What conditioning from myupbringing was I carrying and,
at this point in my life, was itserving me?
Did it really help me be theperson I decide I want to be?
And that's what we're talkingabout today identifying these.
(14:49):
Now, social norms are differentbecause they come from the
external world.
So, as a woman of color, youhave to understand I have a lot
of stories and I have a lot ofupbringing.
That is from a time when peopleof color, black people, were
suppressed or oppressed in theUnited States Understand
(15:16):
beautiful brown people and Idespise using colors, but it's
sometimes the identifier.
But the different races in theworld have been oppressed by
others who thought they wereinferior, and that oppression
brought about these complexideas and norms of what should
(15:39):
be about.
These complex ideas and normsof what should be Today.
I was listening to a podcastfrom my coach, brooke Costello,
and Cara Lowenthal, a lawyer,and they were speaking about her
new book Cara's new book andone of the norms they spoke
about societal norms was aboutwomen in the past, the 1900s,
(16:00):
and I'm talking about women whoare not of color, and how they
were oppressed as well by theman because they couldn't have
their own bank account.
They couldn't have financials.
They took care of the kids.
Societal norms was as a woman,your responsibility is to take
care of the household, the kidsand budgeting.
(16:21):
But men didn't allow women tobudget because they wouldn't
know the numbers for the moneyand that's something they
shouldn't know.
Also, not so long ago, womendidn't have rights and they were
with their father whocontrolled their lives.
And then they got married andthen that man took over and
controlled their life.
If you notice, when you getmarried, your father is giving
(16:42):
you over to this new man.
Now this new man is supposed totake the role of your father
and being responsible for youand ensuring you're safe.
Right, it's a big societal normand, trust me, my father walked
me down the aisle and gave methe John, but I knew he wasn't
(17:04):
giving me the John in the way ofback in the days where I was
going to do all the societalnorms although I believe I still
do.
I am still responsible for mykids' activities.
My husband's stepping up tothat more now, but it's still
always on me when I have to dealwith my daughter's documents
and paperwork and up all thethings.
It always comes to me.
(17:24):
It never goes to him.
And then it's just me, right?
I always my daughter will havea trip and need a paper sign.
She will find me to sign thatpaper.
She would never go to him.
So I believe we still practicesocietal norms in our household,
in our family.
However, the one we don'tpractice is that how can I say
(17:47):
this that I don't have the rightto go out and earn, I don't
have the right to come up andshow up on this podcast and give
value and create a community ofgrowth and strength.
I have all rights to that and Iknow that because people died
for me, like Martin Luther KingJr Dr Martin Luther King Jr.
(18:08):
And in regards to that, I nowhave rights and societal norms
are still there.
But, trust me, I fight them.
I literally fight them, but Idon't fight them.
I just shift because they nolonger serve me.
I don't want to be stuck.
I don't want to be stuck by theconditioning, by what others
(18:31):
think I should be.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I am so tired of so manyconditions I carry and they
usually bog me down, and I don'tknow about you but these
societal norms, theseexpectations of what I should be
as a woman of color, are heavy,and I just want to be free of
(18:53):
it.
And in order for me to be freeof it, I have to take actions.
I have to do things different.
You have to do things different.
You have to do things differentif you choose not to keep your
old values and beliefs becausethere's something more you
desire.
And if there's something moreyou desire, I know you can have
(19:14):
it Deep down in my bones.
I know you can have it, but youhave to believe that too, and
if you don't, then it's justgoing to take a little bit
longer for you, and I just hopeit doesn't come to you the day
you have no other, you have nolife in you, the day where, if
you're on that bed and it's thattime to leave this physical
(19:38):
earth that it doesn't hit youthat you didn't get to do what
you wanted to do.
So, with that, what I wouldlike to do is tell you a couple
of actions that you can takethat will support you in your
journey.
Okay, here's some action threeaction steps that I want you to
(19:59):
take away, and I want you toimplement it in your life the
way you see fit.
Sometimes we're given actionplans but we don't do it.
And, trust me, I speak to somany people and I share advice,
and I usually don't want toshare advice.
The reason is not because Iwant to hold back, but I know
that that advice might go on.
Raisin is not because I want tohold back, but I know that that
(20:20):
vice might go on.
How can they say that biblicalterm land on cement and not be
rooted?
And some do trust me, but it'snot my business what gets like
planted and what doesn't.
I am just here to share andthey can take it in however they
want to Remember.
That's the key here.
No one has to do anything I say, and you don't ever have to do
(20:48):
anything I say.
But when you're ready, thecontent is here for you to come
back and take what you need fromit.
So some action steps.
The first one is question yourbeliefs.
Yes, question it.
I did.
I questioned my values and mybeliefs.
So one of them for me was myspirituality, my God.
(21:11):
I love God with all of my being.
I know I'm not fearful of God.
I know I'm not fearful of Godbecause God is love, god is kind
, god is energy, god is amazing.
God is not a physical constructto me.
God doesn't punish me, butthat's my belief when I was
(21:34):
growing up.
When I did bad, whatever badwas based on someone else's
opinion and values, god willpunish me.
That's what I was brought upwith, but I know now that is not
my belief.
I've decided to let go of theold understanding of God and
create an understanding thatserves me in my journey.
(21:56):
You may not believe in God Fine, but there is something that
might guide you in your journeyand have a different name or no
name, it doesn't matter, itdoesn't really.
It's up to you to know whathelps you through your day to
day, and I know what helps me.
(22:18):
So I'm going to say questionyour beliefs, take a critical
look at your beliefs and valuesthat you've inherited from the
beginning of your time and lookat this and say does it serve me
, does it serve me not?
And in order for you toquestion your beliefs, you have
to actually take time to seethem.
What are you doing?
(22:39):
What are you thinking?
You have to actually take timeto see them.
What are you doing?
What are you thinking?
Do you believe in yourhousehold that your husband
should work to the bone just tomake sure everyone's okay.
And if that works for you andyou believe that and it serves
you because you get to do theother half take care of your
home, the kids and you enjoydoing that then that works, that
(22:59):
serves you Great.
But if you feel like you're notdoing your purpose and you're
being depleted and remember yourkids leave.
So after that, what are yougoing to do and you feel like
you're lost?
Re-evaluate your beliefs.
Have the discussion withyourself first, because this is
a discussion with you.
It's not about anyone else,it's about you, right?
(23:21):
Ask yourself whether thesebeliefs align with your
authentic self and youraspirations.
It's okay to ask this question,to care about you and your
aspirations.
The people you care for willgrow up and leave.
The people you're with willleave in some form.
They'll leave in having theirown independence.
(23:44):
They'll leave in death.
They'll leave because that timeof the relationship is over.
People are not there or you'renot there till the end of time,
right, your end of time is whenyou expire or when you pass.
Your physical being leaves.
So question your beliefs,challenge the validity of the
(24:07):
ingrained norms and considerwhether they serve you.
Do they serve your growth.
Do they serve your fulfillment?
How are they serving you?
If they're not, you get theopportunity to create a
different norm or condition thatwill help you and create a
better generation going forward.
(24:28):
Better cycle.
Second action cultivateself-awareness.
Omg, how I love this one.
Through introspection,mindfulness and reflection, pay
attention to your thoughts, payattention to your behaviors and
(24:54):
examine how they may influenceyour journey, your emotions,
your behavior and your thoughts.
They all align.
That thought you haveautomatically ignites a feeling
of vibration in your body andyou're going to feel a certain
(25:14):
way.
And for a fact, when you feel acertain way, your behavior is
affected by those feelings.
Your behavior is affected bythose feelings when you're sad.
Every time you're sad, thebehavior is the same.
You withdraw, you get quiet.
You withdraw, you get quiet,you start ruminating in your
(25:35):
mind.
Listen, it's not really sciencehere, people.
When you feel angry, you yell.
You either yell or you getquiet and you storm out of that
room, because you know if youstay there just a little bit
longer, you can become physical.
Or the words you say will, theywill be heavy when you're
(26:01):
feeling angry, because thethought you're having, they
don't care about me, they don'tvalue me, they don't see me,
they disrespected me.
Omg, that thought creates thatanger and that anger creates a
behavior that can be toxic.
Listen, this is so important.
(26:21):
Definitely, definitely.
Cultivate your self-awarenessin this journey of finding out
what serves you and what doesn'tand, yes, it takes time to get
really clear about thisself-awareness that is your
identity.
And then, third, embrace yourempowerment.
(26:42):
Embrace your empowerment bytaking ownership of your beliefs
and your choices.
It's yours If you got it whenyou were younger and it still
serves you today because you'remaking that decision, it's yours
.
Wear it proudly if you want to.
If you get angry and you yelland you know when you yell
(27:02):
you're just loving all of thatand you know that it's being
received, well then okay.
But if you know that you yelland it hurts the people you
truly love and you don't likehow that feels after, then what
are you going to do with that?
Definitely, embrace yourempowerment to take ownership of
(27:27):
the choices you make in regardsto the identity you have have,
recognize that, the power torewrite.
Rewrite your narrative andshape your journey
(27:48):
entrepreneurial, personaljourney on your terms.
Last year, on my birthday, Iturned 43.
I called everyone on mybirthday.
I did not wait for them to callme and I shed how I feel about
them, the love, the appreciationand the everyone was the people
who raised me my mother, myfather, my siblings and what I
(28:10):
was doing was returning the giftthat they gave me, the limited
thoughts that they gave me, thepain that they gave me, and I
just told them how much I lovethem and thank them for doing
what they did, and tears came tomy eyes, but what I was doing
was returning all of the giftsthey gave me and decided it's
time for me to stand up on mytwo feet.
I have that power, I have thatright and I recreated new gifts.
(28:32):
So as I move in my newgeneration of my children and
them, I give them new gifts.
That helps them become betterin their journey.
Can I say it's better?
That's my opinion.
That's not their opinion.
But they get small little giftsbecause of the exposure that I
provide for them.
(28:52):
But in order for me to providean exposure, a belief, a value
that might align better withwhere they are today, I had to
do the change first.
I needed the right.
I need to empower myself tomake these decisions for me as
much as you have to do the samething for you, whatever that is.
Embrace that right, empoweryourselves to make that decision
(29:16):
of what works and what doesn't,and surround yourself with
supportive people to help you,empower you on your journey, to
help you challenge your societalnorms, to help you embrace your
authentic self.
We are not built to be alone.
(29:38):
Hence the reason in our past,right, the pre, what they call
it those years of us becominghumans when we didn't have all
this tech and all this, all thisstuff, like in the ages I don't
even know what they call itprehistoric ages, who knows?
Community was so importantbecause it's how we survived.
Right, if a predator was in ourarea, if you were by yourself,
(30:02):
you were eaten.
No doubt we see it in animalsthe community, the cluster, the
grouping, but find a communitythat is beneficial to your
journey.
So, if you want to be empowered,if you want to see your beliefs
(30:23):
and you want to be able toanalyze them and check them out
and talk about them freely, finda society that allows you to do
that freely.
Get real, be open to thecoaching, the transformation and
the moments where you're goingto have valleys, because you're
going to feel very, veryuncomfortable, but know that
(30:43):
when you're uncomfortable,that's the moment where you're
going to grow.
So the three takeaways you'retaking away from this episode is
question your beliefs, questionwhat you have and is it working
for you?
Cultivate self-awareness,definitely.
Be mindful.
Check in with your behavior,emotions, your thoughts.
Check in with you and embraceempowerment.
(31:06):
Join a community that upliftsyour choices.
Know that you have the abilityto say this doesn't serve me and
I want to change it.
And it takes time.
It doesn't take a day.
It never takes a day.
Your subconscious has beenmolded for years.
To do the work is to make thechange, and that requires such
(31:28):
discipline and consistency.
So the question is are youready to break free from the
constraints of socialconditioning and forge your own
path to your success?
Are you truly ready for this?
There are moments I'm exhaustedfrom carrying so much of
(31:54):
society's point of view aboutwho I should be, what I should
be.
I am so tired and being tiredpushes me to do things like this
where I'm like one more thing.
But here's the thing If I lookat it as one more thing, it
limits me, but if I look at itas an opportunity to see the
(32:17):
people I truly appreciate andwho gets value from me showing
up every week on this podcast,then so be it.
And understand something thevalue I give here, I give it
without any commercials, withoutany return of currency or tool.
But as I do this, I am limitedbecause I'm one person.
(32:40):
So there are moments wherethere's a transfer of value,
there are moments where I haveto stand on stage and speak to
thousands of people andunderstand.
I will do that, I am doing that,I will do that, I am doing that
and I love it because if I canget with you in a room and be a
asset to you and yourempowerment and transformation,
(33:02):
then I am raising my hand forthat journey, because I truly,
truly know you can do it and Ilove seeing you go from the
place of uncertainty tocertainty, to growth.
It is one of the best giftsthat I'm going to say I give
myself.
To just be there with you isthe gift.
(33:22):
So, once again, thank you somuch for joining me on this
lengthy episode today, and Ihope it hit you exactly where it
needed to and trust.
If you found value in thisepisode, please, please, give it
to the person, share it so youcan help them in their journey
(33:43):
by one simple step.
Thank you, my love, and have abeautiful day.
Hey, before you go, I got agolden opportunity for you.
Yes, you, it's a chance that'stoo good to pass up.
A chance to work with meone-on-one, practically for free
.
Imagine waving a magic wand andsaying goodbye to feeling
(34:05):
completely overwhelmed, anxiousand all those feelings that keep
you stuck from selling yourservices.
You know that feeling where youcan't make decisions.
You're on the hamster wheel.
I know I was there.
But what if I told you I canhelp you get rid of that feeling
forever?
Not only five minutes, 10minutes, but forever.
Yes, to the point where workingon your newsletter website,
(34:28):
creating content, feels like abreeze.
This week, I only have fourexclusive spots for a one-to-one
opportunity with me.
It's not a webinar, it's not aworkshop.
It's only you and me for 60minutes where I'll teach you my
aha method to get rid of thatoverwhelmed feeling forever.
Listen, don't walk, but runover to focusnakishakingcom it's
(34:54):
in the show notes and grab oneof my limited spots.
It's limited and so many peoplekeep asking for it, so it's
going to be gone in a second.
And remember, don't tell anyoneabout this great opportunity.
It's just between you and me.
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