Curiosity Killed the Shame (Not the Cat)

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Some days are harder than others, and that soul-deep exhaustion you're feeling might be more than just physical tiredness. It might be your body's way of sending you an important message.

When I was going through my toughest times—experiencing unexplainable aches, inflammation, and brain fog—doctors kept running tests and prescribing medications. But no one asked about my life circumstances or emotional well-being. They were giving me pills when what I needed was a pause to get curious about what was really happening beneath my symptoms.

This episode explores the profound difference between judgment and curiosity in our healing journey. When we judge ourselves harshly for not "being over it" or for "doing that thing again," we activate our sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight), creating an internal environment where healing becomes physiologically impossible. Your body simply cannot heal when it feels unsafe, and self-judgment is one of the quickest ways to create that feeling of danger.

Curiosity, however, activates our parasympathetic nervous system—creating the safety our bodies need to heal. We explore practical questions you can use to cultivate curiosity about your mind ("What else could be true?"), your body ("What sensation am I experiencing right now?"), and your spirit (remembering that even God welcomes your difficult questions). These gentle inquiries open pathways to connection with yourself and others that judgment simply cannot access.

Remember, your healing journey isn't linear, but you don't have to walk it alone. Reach out and connect with our community of compassionate women who understand what you're going through. You are exactly where you're meant to be, and the world needs the healing, whole version of you.

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Music by Adipsia

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
As we get started today, I'm going to be Captain
Obvious for just a moment andI'm going to state something
that you all know, but sometimesit needs to be said.
Some days are harder thanothers and if you're here today
and it's feeling pretty hard,you're not alone.
I know I got a full night ofsleep last night, but I'm

(00:26):
feeling exhausted today and youknow, sometimes when we're tired
it's more than just tiredness,it's a soul deep depletion.
I remember back when I wasgoing through it.
Man, I was my, I was feeling itand feeling it hard.
My body was screaming at me.
Man, I was feeling it andfeeling it hard.
My body was screaming at me.

(00:48):
Unexplainable aches,inflammation that you could feel
all over your body, brain fog,and I would go to doctor after
doctor, specialist afterspecialist, having test after
test and blood draw after blooddraw, and they didn't have any
answers for me.
I knew it wasn't a physicalissue, but none of these doctors

(01:12):
asked me about my life, aboutwhat I was going through, what I
was experiencing, whatstressors I had going on.
They never asked me about myhistory.
They were just checking myfunction and according to all
the tests, I was functioningfine.
But deep down I knew I was not.

(01:32):
They were throwingprescriptions at me.
They were giving me pills whenI needed a pause, and it wasn't
until I got curious, until Istarted asking different
questions of myself, thathealing became possible.
Healing doesn't begin withanswers.

(01:56):
It begins with better questions.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast.
I'm Melissa, your coach,cheerleader and maybe even a
little bit like that mom whoalways has a warm hug and the
best advice waiting for you.
If you're a woman over 40feeling like life's left you a
little lost, aimless ordownright stuck, you're in the

(02:18):
right place.
This is where your joy, yourfreedom and your purpose come
back into focus.
So grab a cup of something warm, settle in and let's start
creating the next most beautifulchapter of your life together.
I don't know if you've everheard the phrase curiosity over
judgment, but curiosity inviteshealing while judgment blocks it

(02:43):
.
Healing while judgment blocksit.
And I don't know about you, butthere was a time in my life
where sometimes it was conscious, sometimes it was unconscious,
but I would beat myself uphaving an interaction with my
spouse and beat myself upbecause, oh my gosh, there I go
again, doing that again, or whycan't I just get over whatever.

(03:05):
This is this emotionalbreakdown?
Why can't I just heal fromwhatever is going on in my body?
What's wrong with me?
I should be past this by now.
Those types of judgmentalcomments actually stop the
healing process.
It feels like it's productive.

(03:27):
For some reason we feel like ifwe can beat ourselves up enough
, we might come out on the otherend better.
But it doesn't work that way.
Judgment actually triggers thestress response.
It triggers your sympatheticnervous system.
When I think about thesympathetic versus the
parasympathetic nervous system,I like to think about cavemen.

(03:51):
Bear with me, just follow mylogic here.
Cavemen had a very clearexample of what is unsafe versus
what is safe.
If they left their cave, theycould be attacked by a
saber-toothed tiger.
They could be trampled by amastodon.

(04:12):
When cavemen were out of thecave, life was unsafe.
So that is your sympatheticnervous system coming online.
When they would walk out of thecave, their sympathetic nervous
system everything in theirbrain would heighten.
They would always be on thelookout for what was unsafe.
But while they were in theircave, they were safe.

(04:33):
They were calm.
Their parasympathetic nervoussystem was online.
So out of the cave is unsafe.
In the cave was safe, out ofthe cave was sympathetic.
Inside the cave wasparasympathetic.
Now, when you are beingself-judgmental, when you are

(04:55):
beating yourself up for doingthe thing again, you're in the
sympathetic nervous system.
You are outside of the cave andremember our brains.
I've said this before on thepodcast, but our brains can't
tell the difference between areal or perceived stress.
A real stress would be thesaber-toothed tiger is getting

(05:17):
ready to eat me.
A perceived stress is I don'tknow what I'm going to do to
make ends meet this month.
Stress is stress and it doesn'tmatter if it's a real stress or
one that we're just worryingabout something.
We're making up Judgment.
Self-judgment triggers thestress response.

(05:41):
Self-judgment puts your nervoussystem into fight or flight.
We're beating ourselves up, wethink it's going to be
productive, but what's happeningis we're stopping the healing
process.
When your body feels unsafe, itwill not heal.

(06:02):
I'm going to say that againwhen your body feels unsafe, it
will not heal, period.
So, regardless of what kind ofstress you have going on, your
body feels unsafe, it cannotheal.
I'm actually thinking of aparticular client right now who

(06:25):
has a variety of autoimmuneissues, which is right.
Your body is attacking itself.
Right.
The body knows it is unsafe, itcannot heal.
The body is attacking itself,activating the sympathetic

(06:47):
nervous system, passing judgmenton itself.
It cannot heal.
Judgment narrows the thoughtprocess.
Judgment says there's only oneway to be okay and we've got to
clear all this crap out to beokay.
Judgment increases cortisol, ittightens up muscles, it steals

(07:12):
your sleep and judgmentdisconnects you from grace.
It says God must bedisappointed in me.
Judgment tells us I'm a failure.
Judgment tells your body you'reworthless.
Judgment activates thesympathetic nervous system and

(07:35):
shuts down the healing process.
And shuts down the healingprocess.
But curiosity, on the other hand, curiosity is a healing posture
.
Judgment demands perfection,but curiosity invites connection
.
I love that saying Judgmentdemands perfection, but

(08:03):
curiosity invites connection.
Why do I love that so much?
Because I believe we weredesigned for community and
connection.
That is part of our makeupConnection first with God,
connection with ourselves mind,body, spirit and then connection
with others.
And if we're sitting injudgment of ourselves, we're
shutting off the ability toconnect with God, with our own
selves and with other people.

(08:24):
And I know you know what I'mtalking about, because when
you've been beating yourself up,it feels very alone, you feel
very isolated, and isolation isone of the biggest tools that
the enemy uses to attack us.
So if we can be sitting injudgment of ourselves, we're
isolating ourselves, we'rebreaking off connection.

(08:45):
But curiosity invitesconnection.
It invites connection firstwith the one who designed us,
and it invites connectionmind-body-spirit, and ultimately
it invites connection outwardwith the people around us.
Ultimately, it invitesconnection outward with the
people around us.
Curiosity looks like figuringout what's really going on
underneath this fatigue.
I woke up tired this morning,even though I got a full night

(09:12):
of sleep.
I could have just poweredthrough it and said you know, I
got to get all these things donetoday, got to get that podcast
episode recorded, got to getthings edited, got to get things
posted, got to do all this, gotto do all that.
I could have done that.
But instead I said, wow, I wokeup so tired.
What is going on there?

(09:32):
What's going on underneath thesurface?
I got curious about thisfatigue.
Right, I could have beat myselfup.
I could have just poweredthrough.
Hello, I'm Gen X, it's kind ofwhat we're good at.
I could have just poweredthrough.
It could have been Wonder Woman.
But instead I got curiosity.
I got curious.
I got curiosity, I got curious.

(09:55):
I asked myself the question likewhat is it?
Why am I so tired today?
Like I, literally I know I gota full night of sleep.
What is making me so tired?
And I got curious about it.
And that opened up theopportunity for me to connect

(10:19):
mind, body and spirit, to checkin and go.
What's really going on here?
Sometimes the symptom you'reexperiencing is actually acting
as a protective mechanism.
So for me, this tiredness todaywas just a reminder that I need
a little bit more rest today.
I need to be kinder to my bodyand my spirit.

(10:40):
Sometimes the symptoms areshowing up to protect us.
So what is this symptom tryingto protect me from?
And then curiosity also mightlook like where did I learn to
push through this type of pain?
Like, where did I learn that wejust have to show up no matter
what and put on a smile andpretend everything's okay?

(11:00):
Like I learned that in mychildhood.
I was thinking about that thismorning as I was reading a book
and it had some reallythoughtful questions in it.
And like, as a child, I learnedthat to belong in my family and
this isn't something that theytold me, it's just something
that my little mind decided Tobelong I had to perform.

(11:24):
It doesn't mean perform onstage, though I did, but perform
in the family, perform aroundthe house, perform I had to
perform.
So where did I learn to pushthrough?
That was kind of where Ilearned that.
I learned it as a child.
But curiosity curiosity puts usback in the cave, puts us back

(11:46):
into safety, puts us back into aplace where we can be
vulnerable, where we can be open, puts us back into the
parasympathetic nervous system.
Remember, outside the cave,sympathetic, I could be trampled
by a mastodon.
Inside the cave, I belong andI'm safe, and this is where

(12:06):
healing happens.
This is our body's naturalintelligence.
This is how we were designed.
Our brains are constantlyseeking love, safety and
belonging.
And when we don't find it, ourbrain believes I'm going to die.
That's the sympathetic nervoussystem coming online.

(12:28):
So there's some ways that youcan practice curiosity in the
mind, body and spirit.
Right, that's kind of whatwe're about over here the
holistic model whole mind, wholebody, whole spirit.
Some people really love tojournal.
I love journals.
I have a ton of journals, but Idon't always know what to write

(12:49):
in them.
My daughter-in-law and my sonand my grandkids gave me a
beautiful journal for Mother'sDay.
I have not written a word in ityet because to me this journal
feels almost sacred.
So I want to make sure thatwhen I write in it, I'm writing
in it the things that are goingto be sacred.

(13:11):
But some people really love tojust journal, get it all out
there, get it out of their heads, get it down on paper, and so
there's some journaling that youcould do to practice curiosity.
So this is the mind curiosity.
So one of the questions that Ireally love, especially when I'm

(13:31):
in a situation where I'm notfeeling safe right, is what else
could be true?
Like I may not be feeling goodtoday Is what else could be true
.
Like I may not be feeling goodtoday, but what else could be
true about this day?
Like I may be tired today, butwhat else can be true even in
the tiredness?
What part of me is needing love, connection and safety right

(13:54):
now?
Connection and safety right now.
Because we are all made up ofparts, right, we have a part
that's responsible for helpingus go to sleep at night, a part
that's responsible for waking usup, a part that's responsible
for having fun, a part that'sresponsible for being serious.
But what part of me is needingthat love, safety and belonging

(14:16):
right now.
Part of me is needing that love, safety and belonging right now
, and actually take time to becurious about that.
Another question that you canask that's going to kind of
throw you back is what did Ineed when I learned to survive
in this way?
Like I said, when I woke upthis morning, I could have just
powered through because that'swhat I knew.

(14:36):
I had to perform.
I had to perform to be lovedand to belong.
But what did I actually needwhen I learned to survive in
that way?
I needed that belonging, butwhat is it that you needed when
you learned to survive in thatway?
So those are some curiosityquestions around the mind.

(15:00):
But some curiosity questionsabout the body is like I love
this.
What sensation am Iexperiencing right now?
This one is really huge toreconnect with your body.
I work with so many people whoare disconnected from their
bodies.
They might not feel pain, theymight not experience the

(15:28):
physical response of emotions.
So, taking time to sit and askyourself what am I actually
noticing in my body right now?
And ask yourself what am Iactually noticing in my body
right now?
I did this with my dad.
We were coming back fromNashville and it was the middle
of the night and I asked him.
I said how are you feelingright now?
He goes, I don't know and Isaid well, you know, take a

(15:50):
moment and kind of do a scan ofyour body.
Have you ever done a body scan?
Body scan is a great way to seewhat is going on in your body.
Have you ever done a body scan?
Body scan is a great way to seewhat is going on in your body.
You start at your toes and yougo up your foot and to your
ankle and your calf and yourknee and your thigh and just ask
you know, what am I feelingright now in my ankles?

(16:10):
What am I feeling in my knees?
What am I feeling in my hips?
And just go all the way up thebody and when you get to your
head, go back down, becausesometimes it takes some time for
our bodies to actually answerthe question, especially if you
have been disconnected from yourbody.

(16:32):
So you could ask yourself thesequestions.
I like to do this at night whenI'm laying in bed, before I go
to sleep, like just kind ofchecking in with my body, see
how my body is feeling, whatpart of me is asking for some
support, what part of me isasking for some love?
Another question you can askand I love this one too as an

(16:52):
emotion code practitioner iswhere does this emotion reside
in my body?
Sometimes, when I'm doing anemotion code session with
someone, that's a question thatI ask and I let the subconscious
answer like where is thisemotion stuck in my body?
And then another question youcan ask as you're checking in
with your body is can I still beme even if this is not resolved

(17:20):
?
Can I still be me even if thisissue is not resolved?
Because we all have the rightto be ourselves.
I want you to hear that again.
I feel like I need to repeatthat you have the right to be

(17:42):
who you are.
Some of the tools you can use tocheck in with your body are
tools like the emotion code.
If you're not familiar with theemotion code, reach out to me.
You can send me a DM directlythrough Buzzsprout, which is
where I host the podcast.
You can email me.
You can find me on Facebook andsend me a DM that way If you're
interested in learning moreabout the emotion code.

(18:02):
I'm not going to go into thattoday, but that is a one way
that you can actually reconnectwith your body.
It's incredible Breathworkthere's tons of breathwork that
you can do.
There's coaches out there thatspecialize in breath work.
Breath work is a great way toconnect with your body.
How can you get curious aroundthe spirit?
So, mind body, spirit right.

(18:23):
How can you get curious aboutyour spirit?
This is something that I loveto remind people of, especially
people that are angry with God.
God is not afraid of thequestions that you have.
He literally can handle them.
He welcomes them.
So ask your questions, ask them.
Even Jesus asked on the crossmy God, why have you forsaken me

(18:46):
?
Like, literally, god can handlewhatever question that you have
.
So ask them, because healing isoften found in the pause that
we take between our pain andpeace.
So ask the questions, go to himand ask, and if you're not sure
how to do that, I'm here,please reach out.

(19:08):
So mind body, spirit, becurious.
You're allowed to ask questions, you're allowed to search,
you're allowed to wonder.
It's okay.
It's actually a good thing.
The problem is, I think, that somany of us are so busy and so
focused on getting the nextthing done that we forget to be

(19:31):
curious.
I, you know, I've got my myto-do list, I've got my, my
calendar and these things needto be done.
You know the things on mycalendar need to be done and I'm
a doer by nature, so I want toget them done.
And sometimes sometimes youknow being totally transparent
with you sometimes I forget, Iforget to be curious, sometimes
I forget to slow down and stop.

(19:52):
But it's okay to search, it'sokay to wonder, it's okay to
search, it's okay to wonder,it's okay to be curious, it's
okay to ask questions.
Curiosity is an activeexperience.
It's powerful.

(20:12):
Curiosity disrupts the shameand it brings things to light
and it helps to move you forward.
When we're in judgment ofourselves, it puts us into the
sympathetic nervous system andprevents us from healing,
prevents us from moving forward.
It's like it puts on thoseblinders that don't allow you to
see anything else.
Curiosity opens up ourcreativity, opens us up to

(20:33):
solutions to the problems thatwe're having.
And I'm curious like what isone story you've been telling
yourself that you're ready toquestion with kindness.
How can you be curious todayabout that?
One thing, and I want to remindyou your healing journey isn't a

(20:56):
linear journey.
Healing happens up and down.
Nothing happens in a straightline, but I want you to remember
you don't have to walk yourhealing journey alone.
You can have support, you canhave a guide.
I want to remind you that Ihave a community on Facebook

(21:18):
that you can find support.
You can find other women, othercompassionate women who are
experiencing the same thingsthat you're going through in
life.
So many of us feel like we arealone.
We are the only ones goingthrough whatever it is that
we're going through, but I wantto remind you there is nothing

(21:39):
new under the sun.
Everything that you areexperiencing, someone has
experienced before you, andthat's not to minimize what
you're going through at all,because your experience is true,
your experience is valid, butyou're not alone and, like I
said before, you can find me onFacebook, you can find me on
Instagram.
Send me a DM.

(22:00):
If you've got questions or youhad a realization today that
you'd love to share with me, Iwould love to hear it.
Just simply reach out and shareit with me.
I would be honored to supportyou right where you are, and I
just want to remind you.
You are exactly where you aremeant to be.
I trust in Providence If youare here today listening to this

(22:21):
episode, there is a reason, andyou were designed perfectly
with gifts and talents to bringto this world, and the world
needs you.
The world needs the healing youand if you're ready to start
your healing journey, reach outand let me know.

(22:42):
I would love to support you onyour path.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
I am truly honored that you'vespent this time with me and I
hope you're walking away withsomething that brings you a
little more peace, clarity andhope.
If you want to keep theconversation going, you can
connect with me over onInstagram at Lemon Balm Coaching

(23:03):
, or join our free Facebookcommunity.
Reignite your Flame.
It's where soul-tired womengather to find support,
inspiration and real tools fortheir journey.
You'll also find information atLemonBbalmcoachingcom.
If you enjoyed this episode, goahead and follow the podcast,
leave a quick review and shareit with a friend who needs to

(23:24):
hear the message.
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Until next time, keep breathing, keep leaning into what matters
and keep choosing peace.