From Swifties to Survival: Why We Cling to What Can’t Save Us

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Have you ever wondered why we celebrate celebrity engagements as though they were family events? Why devoted fans camp outside venues for days, or why political disagreements turn into vicious personal attacks? The answer lies in understanding three fundamental human needs that drive our behavior in ways we rarely recognize.

Your brain is hardwired to believe that without love, safety, and belonging, you will not survive. This isn't just psychological theory—it's neurobiological reality. When these needs go unmet, our survival brain kicks into high gear, creating a desperate search for fulfillment that can lead us to some surprising places. From Taylor Swift fandom to political tribalism, from gym memberships to harmful addictions, we're constantly seeking substitutes for what our souls truly crave.

In this revealing episode, we explore how celebrities like Taylor Swift have mastered the art of appearing to meet these needs, creating powerful emotional connections with fans who feel like part of her extended family. But there's danger in this misplaced devotion. Our nervous systems can't distinguish between true fulfillment and counterfeit comfort—they only recognize temporary relief. That's why fandom can feel like a matter of life and death, and why we'll fight to defend our chosen tribes even when logic suggests otherwise.

What if there's a more fulfilling way to meet these essential needs? What if you could stop scrambling for scraps of love, safety, and belonging and connect with their true source? This episode offers an invitation to get curious about where you're seeking substitutes in your own life and how you might find authentic fulfillment instead. Because you weren't designed to worship people who put their pants on exactly the same way you do—you were made for something much more profound.

Take a moment this week to reflect on what's truly worthy of your devotion. Your nervous system might insist these substitutes are essential for survival, but your soul knows better. Share this episode with someone who's struggling, and let's start a conversation about finding authentic love, safety, and belonging in a world full of counterfeits.

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Music by Adipsia

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Oh my word, you guys did you hear the news?
Taylor Swift is engaged, andthe media and her fandom
celebrated it as if she weretheir own daughter.
But you know what?
In my humble opinion, taylorSwift is just another person.
She puts on her pants the sameway that you do and the same way
that I do, but today we'regoing to dive into one of the

(00:26):
things that she has masteredthat sets her apart.
Before we dive in today, I needto let you know in full
transparency that I am not aSwifty.
Actually, I don't think there'sany pop star, famous person,
actor, actress that I actuallydo fawn over, though I was a

(00:46):
little bit saddened by the newsof Graham Greene's passing just
last week and honestly, there'sonly like two Taylor Swift songs
that I know are hers, and onlyone of them, because I Prevail
did an incredible cover of it.
The first time I heard TaylorSwift singing Blank Space, I
thought to myself who the heckis that?

(01:08):
That sounds really weird afterlistening to the metal version.
But I want to just say, as wedive in, today is going to be a
little bit of a soapbox episode,because there's just something
I need to share with you and itmight burst your bubble or it
might just give you a little bitof a deeper understanding about
how our brains work.

(01:29):
So grab your cup of coffee,your lemon balm tea, because
we're going to be talking aboutsomething that you probably feel
every day, sometimes withouteven knowing it.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast.
This is the place forsoul-tired women who've spent
years pouring out for everyoneelse, only to wake up exhausted,

(01:50):
anxious and wondering who theheck am I now?
I'm your host, melissa, coach,healer and fellow traveler who's
walked through burnout,breakdown and the wilderness of
losing myself, and I can tellyou you were never meant to live
stuck in survival mode.
Here we cut through the noisewith honest conversations,

(02:12):
practical tools and soul deepencouragement to help you
reconnect with who you weredesigned to be.
Together we'll move fromexhaustion and hopelessness into
clarity, flow and a life thatfeels peaceful, vibrant and
whole again.
If you're ready to stop justsurviving and start actually
living mind, body and spirit,you're in the right place.

(02:36):
Let's dive in.
So let's start with Taylor.
Recently, the media practicallyexploded over her engagement.
I remember watching videos ofnewscasters announcing it as if
they were announcing their ownengagement.
There were articles everywhere,fans losing their minds people

(02:59):
I know personally talking aboutit as if it were their own
daughter getting a ring.
But I'm not here to bash TaylorSwift.
I actually kind of want to talkabout something that she's
really really good at.
First, I do think she's apretty talented songwriter.
Like I said, I've heard some ofher songs done by other people

(03:20):
and I actually really like them.
Not a fan of listening toTaylor herself, I don't like her
voice, but I don't really likemany female singers anyway.
But one of the things that Ithink it's so important to
realize is that she is brilliantat knowing and playing to her

(03:41):
audience.
But again, she does put herpants on exactly the same way
that you do in the morning.
She's not divine.
She's not otherworldly.
What she is is a master atunderstanding the three basic
human needs love, safety andbelonging and that's why her

(04:03):
fandom feel like they are partof her family.
This is why politicians canwhip crowds into devotion.
That's why entire cultures cancenter around celebrities or
teams.
There's an urgency here that Iwant you to hear.
There's an urgency here that Iwant you to hear.

(04:25):
When one of your three basicneeds is not met, your survival
brain kicks into high gear andscreams that you are going to
die.
Your survival brain literallybelieves that without love,
safety and belonging, you willdie.
So let's break them down.

(04:50):
Love From the moment that we areborn, we're wired to seek
connection.
Think about that infant that isplaced immediately into their
mother's arms after giving birth.
And we know that love isn'tjust about romance, it's about
affirmation, it's aboutnurturing, it's about being

(05:11):
wanted.
That initial moment when thebaby is placed into the mother's
arms triggers the co-regulationof the nervous system.
And without love, nervoussystem.
And without love, without thatconnection, the nervous system
interprets that as fatal.
Babies who aren't held enough,don't thrive.

(05:34):
Even if they are given all ofthe nutrients that they need,
they do not thrive.
And adults, we're really nodifferent.
We're really no different.
We may not cry in our cribs,but our mind, our body, our
spirits, they deteriorate whenlove is scarce.

(05:55):
Let's talk about safety.
Safety is the second thing thatis required for survival.
We crave security physical,emotional and spiritual and this
is why we cling to our routines.
We will stay in jobs long afterthey are productive.

(06:15):
We will stay in relationshipsthat are not life giving because
fear of losing our safety holdsus hostage, even if the thing
that you are stuck in, you knowthat it is detrimental.
True safety.
True safety says I can breathehere.

(06:39):
True safety calms the centralnervous system.
But without safety, withouttrue, honest to goodness safety,
your body will stay stuck infight or flight mode.
What about belonging?
This is the third of our basicneeds.
This one is actually huge.
Belonging is different fromfitting in, though, and I want

(07:01):
you to hear that.
We can all fit in for a time.
We can all play the chameleonfor a time, but belonging is
being accepted as your true self, and when belonging is missing,
we will hustle for it.
We will join groups, we willplace labels on ourselves, we'll

(07:22):
follow teams, we'll followfandoms.
Think about the sports fanspainting their faces.
Think about political partiesand how people doggedly follow
them, or Swifties camping outfor days just so that they can
scream the lyrics out.
Together, these three needslove, safety and belonging are

(07:44):
non-negotiables.
Your brain was wired to believethat without them, you will not
survive.
We must have love, safety andbelonging, but here's where it
gets a little bit tricky,because when those needs are not
met in healthy ways, we willgrab for substitutes.

(08:07):
We will seek for anything tofill that void.
We'll go for memberships, likegyms.
Think about all the gym ratsthat are out there.
They're always at the gymbecause there they feel like
they belong.
We'll join social clubs.
We'll get subscription boxes,even because they give us an

(08:27):
identity, a tribe, right?
Think about all the peopletalking about this is my tribe.
This is my tribe.
We'll grab for substitutes likefandoms, like becoming a Swifty.
We'll follow celebrities.
We'll follow their careers.
We'll know what they had forbreakfast.
We'll know what gown they woreat the latest gala.
That parades around theirmillions of dollars.

(08:49):
Think about politicians and howpeople rally behind them.
Right now, we have such adivision in our country with
people following a particularpolitician or particular party,
even influencers online.
There are people that you knowby name probably, who are.
They're just an influencer.
They're not anything fancy.

(09:10):
Again, they put their pants onexactly the same way, but we
know who they are.
We know what they had forbreakfast.
We know what book they readlast, because they offer
belonging by proxy.
If I know everything that'sgoing on with Taylor Swift and
you know everything that's goingon with Taylor Swift, we belong
to a Swifty group and sometimeswe'll even grab for substitutes

(09:35):
like addictions, food, alcohol,shopping, scrolling, because
they simulate safety and comforteven while destroying us when
we are starved for love, safetyor belonging.
Our nervous system doesn't knowthe difference between true

(09:55):
fulfillment and counterfeitfulfillment.
It just knows that it needsrelief.
It needs love, safety andbelonging.
And that's why fawning oversomeone who puts their pants on
just like you do can bedangerous, because it feels like
survival.
So let's call it what it is.
This is misplaced worship.

(10:17):
We were designed to orienttoward the one who is love, the
one who is safety, the one inwhom we find our true belonging.
But when that verticalrelationship is a little bit
shaky, we'll reach outhorizontally for substitutes.
There was a song back in theearly 90s by the group Plum

(10:38):
called God-Shaped Hole.
In the early 90s by the groupPlum called God-Shaped Hole.
The chorus went something likethere's a God-shaped hole in all
of us and there's only one thatcan fill that.
But this is why people fightviciously over political parties
.
And you know I'm speaking thetruth.
All you have to do is open upyour phone, turn on the news and
you see it happening.

(10:59):
Is open up your phone, turn onthe news and you see it
happening.
This is why fan armies will goto war over their favorite pop
star.
This isn't a passion.
Some people think, oh, they'rejust passionate about this
person or this thing, when it'sreally their brain screaming out
for survival, screaming out forlove, safety and belonging.
And their brain has decidedthat belonging to this group or

(11:22):
worshiping this person is thedifference between life or death
.
Logically, we know that's notthe case, but our survival brain
doesn't operate on logic.
But I want you to know there isonly one worthy of that kind of
devotion.
And, spoiler alert, it's notTaylor Swift, it's not Graham

(11:44):
Greene, it's not your favoritepolitician.
So what I encourage you to dothis week is just get curious
about how you are filling thosethree needs.
Like where are you chasing love?
Looking for love in all thewrong places?
Where are you chasing love?
Where are you trading truesafety for counterfeit control?

(12:08):
Where are you hustling forbelonging rather than resting in
the truth that you alreadybelong?
Your nervous system may screamthat without these external
fixes, you will not survive.
But God, two of the mostpowerful words in the universe

(12:32):
but God whispers.
You already have love, safetyand belonging with me.
So love, safety and belonging,these are not just things right.
These aren't luxuries.
This is what your survivalbrain was designed to seek at

(12:59):
all costs.
But love, safety and belongingcannot be filled truly filled by
fandoms, addictions orpolitical parties.
They can only be filled by theone who designed you, the one
who gave you that whole.
So here's your invitation Justtake some time this week journal
, if that's your thing, ormeditate on it.

(13:21):
Sit with this question where amI trying to meet my survival
needs?
In places that I know willnever satisfy me.
And you know that that is thetruth, because if you're here
listening, more than likely youhave spent most of your life
trying to fill those needs andit hasn't worked yet.

(13:44):
So when you're ready to godeeper, I want you to know I'm
here.
I'd love to walk with you.
Just reach out, let's talk,because you do not have to
scramble for scraps of love,safety and belonging.
I'm going to say that again youdo not have to scramble for

(14:06):
scraps of love, safety andbelonging.
You were designed for love,safety and belonging.
You were made to flourish inthem.
If this episode stirredsomething in you, I just ask
that you share it with a friend,someone who's struggling,
someone who might be seekinglove, safety and belonging in

(14:28):
the wrong places.
So, friend, stop fawning overthe people who put on their
pants exactly the same way youdo.
Stop fawning over what is notworthy of your worship and step
into the freedom that comes fromthe one who designed you for

(14:51):
love, safety and belonging.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
I am truly honored that you'vespent this time with me and I
hope you're walking away withsomething that brings you a
little more peace, clarity andhope.
If you want to keep theconversation going, you can
connect with me over onInstagram at Lemon Balm Coaching

(15:12):
, or join our free Facebookcommunity.
Reignite your Flame.
It's where soul-tired womengather to find support,
inspiration and real tools fortheir journey.
You'll also find information atLemonBalmCoachingcom.
If you enjoyed this episode, goahead and follow the podcast,
leave a quick review and shareit with a friend who needs to

(15:33):
hear the message.
Every follow, review and sharehelps more women discover that
they were designed to thrive.
Until next time, keep breathing, keep leaning into what matters
and keep choosing peace.