April 23, 2025 • 28 mins
Grief touches us all, yet we rarely understand its full complexity until we drown in it. Beyond the passing of loved ones, grief emerges when we lose jobs, places, relationships, and even versions of ourselves we've outgrown. When was the last time you allowed yourself to fully feel a loss instead of pushing forward?
In this deeply personal episode, I share my journey of avoiding grief for decades and the surprising breakthrough that came in my fifties. After rushing past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to reach acceptance throughout my life, my brother's passing changed everything. For the first time, I allowed myself to experience the full weight of loss without shutting down. This newfound emotional connection transformed not just how I processed his death but how I experienced a later move from Guam—marking the first time I genuinely missed a place I'd left behind.
The truth about grief is stunningly simple yet profoundly difficult to embrace: we are all born sensitive beings meant to experience the full spectrum of human emotion. When we shut down grief, we also inadvertently close ourselves to joy. Through practical approaches like writing memory-focused letters, seeking professional support, and practicing presence within each stage of grief, we can honor our losses while still finding moments of light.
Whether you're personally navigating grief or supporting someone through it, remember that grief follows no timeline. Loneliness often hits hardest about six weeks after loss, when most support has faded. Your presence then—a simple "how can I help?" rather than "let me know if you need anything"—could be exactly what someone needs to feel less alone in their ocean of grief.
Ready to bring more mindfulness to your grief process? Download my free guide "Five Ways to Practice Presence" and start finding moments of peace even amid loss.
It’s time to rediscover YOU. Join the Reignite Your Flame Facebook group—a supportive community where women like you find peace, joy, and purpose. Together, we’ll nurture your mind, body, and spirit so you can shine again. Don’t wait to start your journey back to yourself.
Join Reignite Your Flame HERE
Are you a woman over 40 who is on the verge of a mental or physical breakdown? Are you ready to invite peace, joy, and excitement into your life again? Download 5 Tips to Feel Joy Again in Under 20-Mintues AND Join the Reignite Your Flame Group on Facebook where women, just like you, come together to support, encourage, and connect.
Music by Adipsia
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Grief is one of the most powerful, complex and
deeply personal experiences youwill ever go through.
It can sometimes feel like anoverwhelming wave, it can knock
you off balance when you leastexpect it, and yet it is
something that we all experienceat some point in our lives.
(00:25):
In today's episode, I'm openingup about my own journey with
grief the raw, the real and theunexpected moments that changed
me.
I'll also be sharing some toolsand insights that can help you
move through grief rather thanfeeling stuck in it.
Whether you're grieving a loss,a season of life, or even a
version of yourself you've hadto let go of, you are not alone.
(00:48):
Let's have an honest,compassionate conversation about
grief, how we process it, howwe honor it and how we slowly
begin to feel light again.
Take a deep breath, grab a cozydrink.
Let's get to it.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast, your cozy
corner of the world where we'llsip on life's lessons and
(01:09):
squeeze the most out of everymoment.
I'm Melissa, your coach,cheerleader and maybe even a
little bit like that mom whoalways has a warm hug and the
best advice waiting for you.
If you're a woman over 40,feeling like life's left you a
little lost, aimless ordownright stuck.
You're in the right place.
This is where your joy, yourfreedom and your purpose come
(01:30):
back into focus.
Together we'll laugh, learn andrediscover what makes you come
alive.
Because it's not too late, thisis your time, so grab a cup of
something warm, settle in andlet's start creating the next
most beautiful chapter of yourlife together.
I think when we hear the termgrief, we always think about
(01:50):
losing a loved one, the death ofa loved one, someone that we
love, passing away, whether ithas two legs or four legs or no
legs irrelevant we always kindof think.
I feel like we think it's aboutthe loss of that individual.
But grief isn't always aboutthe death of a loved one.
(02:13):
It literally can be aboutlosing a job, moving away from
somewhere that you've loved,being connected in some way and
then losing that connection.
Grief covers all of thosethings and more.
It's not always about physicaldeath, and I really feel like
(02:38):
that's something that we don'tremember in our daily lives.
It could be grief over losing aformer version of yourself.
Like I said in the intro, it canbe about anything.
It can be about relationships,it can be about losing your
(02:59):
favorite food.
You know what if you woke uptomorrow and you could no longer
eat the foods that you love.
I've had that happen withfriends of mine.
Friends of mine have gottensick and they've had to go
through elimination diets andrealized they can't eat the
things that they've always loved.
Personally, I can't eat thethings that I love because they
are not good for me, and one ofthe things that I find kind of
(03:25):
interesting and sad about myselfis I never really grieved
before a couple of years ago.
Here I am in my mid-50s andgrief was something that was
really foreign to me and eventhough I didn't really
experience it myself, I didn'tallow myself to experience it.
(03:45):
I understood it and I couldhave empathy for other people
going through grief, but I neverallowed myself to grieve and it
was actually a survivalmechanism for myself when we're
younger.
I remember I had a really goodfriend up until I was 11 years
(04:08):
old and then we moved and thatwas really hard and I think it
was after that that I juststopped allowing myself to
grieve.
And I do remember coming upagainst other things in my life
that I had lost, you knowthrough my teen years and stuff
like that and how hard it hitand I would just close myself
off, not allow myself to grieve,you know, because if I didn't
(04:31):
feel it it didn't hurt, right.
But the problem with that iswhen we shut ourself off to
emotions emotions that weconsider bad, emotions like
grief when we shut ourself offto emotions, we shut ourself off
to everything.
I didn't realize it at the time, but after my physical
(04:55):
breakdown I realized, you know,not allowing myself to feel
those things and holding it allinside and allowing that energy
to become trapped in my body ledto my physical breakdown.
My physical breakdown didn'tjust happen.
I mean, it was years in themaking, and I'll share more
about that in another episodecoming up.
(05:16):
I'll share more about what Iwent through, my experiences.
But shutting all that stuff offharmed me in a major way.
So when I was younger, right, Ididn't allow myself to grieve.
I would shut it off, pretend itwasn't happening and move on,
(05:36):
right, move on, keep moving,keep moving, keep moving, run,
run, run, run from that grief,run from the pain.
And I think back and again.
This is something I realizedjust recently.
But I think back out of all ofthe moves that we've done,
because we're a former militaryfamily, we moved every three
(05:56):
years like clockwork rightCreate new friends and then
leave.
Create new friends and thenleave.
Create new friends and thenleave.
Create new friends and thenleave, get involved in
organizations, get involved injust, and then leave.
And I never really grieved theleaving.
I typically would startshutting myself off about six
(06:21):
months before leaving so that wecould just leave, no big deal,
it's just time to move.
Oh well, bye, friends.
Hopefully we'll stay in touch,maybe, maybe not.
But I didn't grieve.
We just kept moving.
I kept moving, I kept.
Yeah, I cried, but I don'tbelieve I allowed myself to
(06:52):
really, truly grieve because I'dgotten so good at shutting it
off, I had gotten so good atshoving it down, I had gotten so
good at not letting thingsbother me at shoving it down.
I had gotten so good at notletting things bother me.
I was fine.
My sister would ask me do youmiss mom sometimes?
And I'm like no, not really.
(07:17):
And she can't understand thatbecause she's much more in tune
with her emotions than I am orthan I used to be anyway, and I
didn't grieve.
I remember very clearly becausemy mom was non-responsive at
this time.
I remember very clearly sayingto her I know you're a prideful
woman and you don't want us tosee your passing, so I'm going
(07:39):
to lay down here and I'm goingto close my eyes, take a little
rest and you are free to go.
And about 10 minutes after Idid that, she breathed her last
and I heard the death rattle.
If anyone's ever been at thebedside you know what that is.
And I heard the death rattle.
I woke my dad up and I saidthis is it, she's leaving.
And we came together around herbed and we were with her when
(08:05):
she passed.
There are stages of grief thatpeople typically go through
right Denial, anger, bargaining,depression and acceptance.
I skipped all of those.
I skipped the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression
and I immediately went toacceptance in all of these
situations.
And I immediately went toacceptance in, like all of these
(08:26):
situations, every time we wouldmove, anytime a pet would pass
away, anytime someone I lovedwould pass away.
I would just go past all ofthose other stages and
immediately to acceptance.
But I know, for me it was aboutprotection.
I was protecting myself, I wasprotecting my heart and shutting
all of that off and shoving itdown, moving right past all
(08:50):
those other stages and goingstraight to acceptance.
Well, it was their time, timefor them to go.
No big deal.
That sounds so callous now thatI look back at it, but that's
where I was at that time.
But I had my first true griefexperience as an adult when my
brother passed away two and ahalf years ago.
(09:11):
In the last episode my sisterand I talked a little bit about
our brother.
I look at grief like an oceanlittle island out in the middle
of the Pacific and there weresome beaches where the waves
were nice and gentle, and thenthere were other beaches that
would crash.
The waves would just crash.
(09:32):
And that's kind of the waygrief is.
Sometimes it's crashing,sometimes it knocks you off
balance and sometimes it's justthis gentle, soothing covering.
Yeah, and when my sister and Iwere talking about my brother in
the last episode, that broughtforward some of those gentle
(09:54):
grief waves.
Sunday in church we sang a songI'd never heard before, so I
don't even remember the tune,but I can read to you what the
lyrics were oh, the overwhelming, never-ending reckless love of
God.
It chases me down fights tillI'm found.
Never-ending reckless love ofGod.
It chases me down fights tillI'm found and leaves the 99.
I couldn't earn it, I didn'tdeserve it.
Still, you gave yourself away.
(10:15):
Oh, the overwhelming,never-ending, reckless love of
God.
And as I was singing this song,just waves of grief about my
brother were coming back in.
And then, of course, course, ithad me thinking about my entire
grief journey as it surroundsmy brother.
So we were living on Guam.
I'm going to go ahead and sharethis story with you.
(10:37):
We were living on Guam and I wascoming back to the States to
visit.
I had a retreat to go to andthen I was going to stay for
about a month and go visitfamily and friends all over the
United States.
We've got people everywhere.
So after my retreat, I went tovisit our oldest son in Northern
(10:57):
California.
I stayed there for about a weekand then I flew to.
Where did I go next?
I flew to Florida to visit mydad and my brother.
He was going to meet me inFlorida and take a little road
trip with me.
My dad had been caring for mycar while I was overseas, but I
was going to take it up to myson in North Carolina and my
(11:20):
brother was going to join me onthat road trip, because I love
road trips.
He loves road trips and he wasjust so excited to be able to
spend time with me.
As an adult We'd never reallyspent a lot of time together as
adults.
You know, we didn't have thebest relationship as kids, as
most people probably have thatexperience.
(11:40):
And then, as we became adults,we each went our own ways and we
did our own things and raisedour families etc.
Etc.
So we didn't really have awhole lot of time together.
And he reached out to me whenhe found out I was coming back
and what my plans were and wewere going to road trip together
.
I was so excited about that.
So I'm at my dad's.
I had just gotten to my dad's,probably an hour before the
(12:03):
phone rang and he called to letus know that they found a tumor
in his colon and he was going infor surgery to have the
blockage removed because it wascancer.
And my dad and I flew out toLas Vegas to be there for his
surgery and it was a beautifultime at his bedside and that was
(12:25):
the beginning of his cancerjourney.
And his cancer was diagnosedand 84 days later he passed away
.
But we got the call from mysister-in-law that his time was
coming close to an end.
So I flew back to the UnitedStates to be at my brother's
bedside.
I had no return date.
(12:46):
It was an open-ended ticket andI had been up until this point.
I had been doing so muchpersonal work.
I had been working with.
I had worked with a therapist.
I had worked with coaches.
As an aromatherapist, I used myaromatherapy tools.
As a holistic, intuitive healer, I did what I could for myself.
(13:07):
It's always hard to work foryourself, healer.
I did what I could for myself.
It's always hard to work foryourself.
It's so important to have otherpeople who can speak into your
life, which is why I was workingwith coaches to help me become
a better me.
When he passed away and the daysleading up to his passing, I
allowed myself to feel.
(13:27):
I allowed myself to his passing.
I allowed myself to feel, Iallowed myself to be present.
I allowed myself to justexperience being there.
It's not like I've never beenwith someone who'd passed away
before.
I have.
I've been with people who'vepassed away.
I used to volunteer for hospice, I've been there at the bedside
, but this was the first time Iactually allowed myself the
(13:50):
chance to grieve, the chance tofeel the weight of his passing.
And then fast forward anotheryear and we got word that my
husband's time at his office inGuam was done and we were going
to be moving back to the States.
Well, I'd moved so many timesbefore.
No big deal, right?
(14:10):
No big deal.
Well, this time it was becauseI had allowed myself to
experience my emotions.
Working with my coaches, I hadlearned to connect with my
emotions.
I believe that we are all bornsensitive beings, every single
(14:33):
one of us.
The reason I believe that isbecause we need our senses to
survive this life.
We have to be able to feel,hear, see, touch, smell.
We have to be able to do thosethings to be able to get through
this life.
How do you know something's hotif you can't feel that it's hot
?
Like?
We need our senses, and whenwe're lacking a sense, the other
(14:54):
senses are heightened.
We are all born sensitivebeings.
We are meant to experience thefull range of human emotion on
this planet.
That's part of our sensing.
That's part of our ability tosurvive.
So I had learned to allowmyself to feel again.
So here we are, leaving Guamand I'm thinking to myself no
big deal, this is fine.
(15:14):
We've moved so many timesbefore, but this is the first
time.
We've been back in the Statesfor a couple of years now, but I
miss it.
I actually grieve leaving Guam.
I miss Guam, I miss my friendsthere, I miss my experience of
the island.
This is the first time I'veever missed somewhere that I've
(15:35):
moved from.
This is the first time I'veever longed to go back to
somewhere and it's because I nowallow myself to actually feel
emotions.
Grief is an emotion.
Grief is something we need toallow ourselves to feel, to
again have that full experienceof being human.
(15:57):
But how can you move throughthe stages of grief?
How can you make it through andstill be okay?
Because that feeling of lossagain going back to the very
beginning, whether it's a person, a pet, a place, an experience,
(16:19):
regardless of what it is how inthe world can you manage the
heaviness of that grief?
There are a lot of ways and youknow what you can do a Google
search.
There are podcasts about grief,there are coaches that focus on
grief, there are therapiststhat focus on grief.
(16:39):
There is so much out thereabout grief, but my personal
experience of grief the thingthat helped me the most
experience of grief, the thingthat helped me the most.
I was participating in amentorship program here where I
live, and the topic that we weretalking about was death one day
and I shared this experience ofbeing at my brother's bedside.
(17:03):
But I also shared that I'mstill struggling with it.
And here it is, you know, ayear and a half, two years later
, still struggling with it.
And at the time that I was inthis mentorship program and all
my aromatherapy friends outthere might understand this I
was experiencing phantasmia Nowthat's a fancy word for
(17:24):
olfactory hallucination as I wasgoing through this mentorship
program.
This went on for a couple ofmonths.
I was smelling cigarette smoke,cigarette smoke constantly,
smelling cigarette smoke.
Now, there's a number ofpossible reasons to experience
phantasmia.
It could be like sinusinfection, migraines, head
(17:45):
injuries, but I was experiencingit because of the loss.
I was experiencing thisphantasmia because my brain was
struggling to make sense of thisloss, to get through this grief
.
But I'm smelling this cigarettesmoke constantly and it was
just the weirdest experience.
(18:06):
And when I shared that in thementoring group, my mentor, he
said, well, have you worked yourway through the grief?
And I was like, well, notreally.
So he suggested and this is myfirst suggestion for you, if
you're working through griefyourself, is to write a letter,
and not just a letter about thegrief, right?
Not that A letter.
I wrote a letter to my brotherabout all of the wonderful
(18:30):
things I remember about him, allof the fun that we had growing
up, the experiences that weshared, and it was really
cathartic to write it all downand get it out of my head and
out of my heart, because whenyou write things physically,
write things with your hand, youuse a different part of your
(18:51):
brain.
It wakes up new neuralconnections and new pathways.
So writing that letter was ahuge part of my grief process.
So if you're going through astage of grief and again,
doesn't matter what it's relatedto and I want to tell you this
also Again, doesn't matter whatit's related to, and I want to
(19:12):
tell you this also no one cantell you and I want you to hear
this no one can tell you thatsomething is not worth grieving.
No-transcript.
Everyone on this planet isunique.
Everyone is different.
Every relationship we have,every connection that we make is
(19:33):
unique to us.
No one can tell you what isworth grieving and no one can
tell you how long grief shouldlast.
No one.
Do not let anyone ever tell youthat.
Anyone ever tell you that.
I had a friend one time, anolder lady whose husband passed
away and I was friends with oneof her children.
(19:56):
She called me one day, really,really, really upset, and this
was several months after thepassing of her husband.
She called me really upsetbecause her children were
telling her that she needed tochange the message on her
answering machine because theydidn't like calling and hearing
their dad's voice.
It was very hard for them.
Well, I told her.
(20:16):
I said you know what?
That is your husband's voice.
And she told me it gives hercomfort to hear the voice.
I said you tell your kids stopcalling if it's too hard for
them, because that's what'smaking it possible for you to
get through the grief.
Don't let anyone tell you howlong grief should last, but
(20:38):
writing that letter to mybrother was a huge part of my
grief process.
So if you're going through agrief process, maybe writing a
letter could be cathartic foryou as well.
So if you're going through agrief process, maybe writing a
letter could be cathartic foryou as well.
Like I said earlier, there aretherapists that focus on grief.
There's coaches that focus ongrief.
There are people who can walkbeside you as you move through
(21:00):
your grief.
Just find ways to invite joyinto your life.
Find ways to bring joy into thegrief.
I know that sounds crazy, butit's totally possible.
It is totally possible to findjoy even through grief.
(21:20):
Grief takes its own time.
Don't let anybody tell you howlong your grief should last, and
the timing is different foreveryone and the timing is
different for each griefsituation.
Just because it took, you know,six months for you to grieve
one thing doesn't mean that'swhat it's going to be every
(21:41):
single time Because, again, youare unique.
The people, the animals, thethings that you connect with are
unique to you.
Every single one of them isgoing to have its own grieving
period.
And be gracious with yourself,be gentle with yourself as you
(22:02):
move through the stages, as youallow grief its time, as you
allow grief it's time.
But the other thing I want toencourage you to do through
grief is seek presence at alltimes.
Seek presence at each of thestages of grief, whether you go
through them quickly or you takeyour time moving through the
(22:24):
stages.
Go through each stage withpresence, and I actually have a
gift for you that might help.
You know, what if you couldslow down through the grief?
What if you could breathethrough the grief?
And I know this sounds kind ofcounterintuitive, but what if
(22:46):
you could actually enjoy themoment that you're in?
Because sometimes grief isremembering the good things,
right, but what if you couldactually enjoy that moment
without feeling guilt or withoutfeeling stressed?
How great would that be.
And that's exactly why I createdFive Ways to Practice Presence.
It's a free guide for you tohelp you feel more grounded and
(23:07):
connected, reduce the overwhelmof the grief in just a few
minutes a day, and to experiencemore peace, joy and clarity, no
matter where you are, whetheryou're going through grief or
you're just moving through life.
Presence isn't about doing more.
I want you to hear thatPresence is not about doing more
(23:28):
.
It's about fully living in themoments that you have right now,
and this guide gives you simple, practical ways to bring more
mindfulness and calm into youreveryday life, starting right
now.
So if you're ready to stoprushing through everything,
especially the grief, right,like I used to do, moving right
(23:49):
to acceptance, if you're readyto stop rushing through it and
start truly living it, justdownload Five Ways to Practice
Presence today, and I willinclude that link in the show
notes.
It's yours, it's free, just gograb it.
And I want you to breathe inand exhale and allow grief its
(24:13):
time.
One more thing I want to tellyou before we close today If you
are not experiencing griefright now, but you have someone
in your life who is, this issomething that I found so
helpful when I was outside ofgrief right.
Remember, at the beginning Isaid I didn't allow myself to
(24:35):
grieve, but I could have empathytowards those who were and
understand their experience.
I had a friend this is a longtime ago, decades ago whose
husband passed away and I didn'treach out to her right away.
And the reason I did that?
Intentionally because in themoments immediately following
(25:01):
the grief moment whether that'sthe passing of someone or the
moving or whatever it is Usuallyin those first two weeks
everybody in their pet monkey isreaching out.
How can I help?
Let me know if you needanything.
Blah, blah, blah.
Here's some food, here's a card, here's some flowers.
(25:24):
In those first two weeks you'reinundated, right.
You're surrounded by people,you're surrounded by love,
you're surrounded by compassion.
After those first two weeks, itkind of starts to taper off and
you get the occasional card orthe occasional hey, just
checking in, but after about sixweeks people forget.
We are so forgetful, people areso forgetful.
(25:46):
And after about six weekspeople start to forget.
People not start to.
They have forgotten.
They're caught up in their ownlives, they're busy moving on.
And here you are, six weeks out, and now the grief hits brand
new.
It hits all over again, becausenow you're alone.
Now you're alone.
(26:07):
So I waited after my friend'shusband passed away for a couple
of months, and then I reachedout hey, would you like to get
together?
Let's do something, let's go,let's do whatever, pick a thing
that you enjoy doing with thatperson, because it's at that
point where the lonelinessreally hits hard.
(26:27):
So I encourage you, if you'renot in a moment of grief, but
you know someone who is, giveyourself that few weeks and then
check in with them and theninvite them to go do something
and then ask them how can I help?
I think that is such a powerfulquestion.
Rather than let me know if youneed anything, how can I help?
(26:51):
How can I support you?
I want to remind you, though,I'm not a grief coach.
I've been there, I get it, Ifeel it, I know it, I've
experienced it and I'm here foryou.
How can I support you?
Thanks so much for spending alittle time with me today on the
Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast.
(27:12):
I hope you're walking away withsomething that sparks joy, hope
or a fresh perspective for yourjourney.
If you loved today's episode,let's keep the conversation
going.
You can find more inspiration,coaching tips and resources over
at my website,LemonBalmcoachingcom.
Don't forget to follow me onsocial media for encouragement
and updates, and you'll find meon Instagram and Facebook at
(27:34):
Lemon Balm Coaching.
And hey, if you're looking fora supportive, uplifting
community of amazing women justlike you, come join us in the
Reignite your Flame Facebookgroup.
It's a safe, welcoming spacewhere we share, grow and cheer
each other on, and you can findthe link on my website or just
search for Reignite your Flameon Facebook.
Remember, honey, just beyourself.
(27:54):
The world needs what only youhave to offer.
Take care and I'll see you inthe next episode.
Grief is one of the most powerful, complex and
deeply personal experiences youwill ever go through.
It can sometimes feel like anoverwhelming wave, it can knock
you off balance when you leastexpect it, and yet it is
something that we all experienceat some point in our lives.
(00:25):
In today's episode, I'm openingup about my own journey with
grief the raw, the real and theunexpected moments that changed
me.
I'll also be sharing some toolsand insights that can help you
move through grief rather thanfeeling stuck in it.
Whether you're grieving a loss,a season of life, or even a
version of yourself you've hadto let go of, you are not alone.
(00:48):
Let's have an honest,compassionate conversation about
grief, how we process it, howwe honor it and how we slowly
begin to feel light again.
Take a deep breath, grab a cozydrink.
Let's get to it.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast, your cozy
corner of the world where we'llsip on life's lessons and
(01:09):
squeeze the most out of everymoment.
I'm Melissa, your coach,cheerleader and maybe even a
little bit like that mom whoalways has a warm hug and the
best advice waiting for you.
If you're a woman over 40,feeling like life's left you a
little lost, aimless ordownright stuck.
You're in the right place.
This is where your joy, yourfreedom and your purpose come
(01:30):
back into focus.
Together we'll laugh, learn andrediscover what makes you come
alive.
Because it's not too late, thisis your time, so grab a cup of
something warm, settle in andlet's start creating the next
most beautiful chapter of yourlife together.
I think when we hear the termgrief, we always think about
(01:50):
losing a loved one, the death ofa loved one, someone that we
love, passing away, whether ithas two legs or four legs or no
legs irrelevant we always kindof think.
I feel like we think it's aboutthe loss of that individual.
But grief isn't always aboutthe death of a loved one.
(02:13):
It literally can be aboutlosing a job, moving away from
somewhere that you've loved,being connected in some way and
then losing that connection.
Grief covers all of thosethings and more.
It's not always about physicaldeath, and I really feel like
(02:38):
that's something that we don'tremember in our daily lives.
It could be grief over losing aformer version of yourself.
Like I said in the intro, it canbe about anything.
It can be about relationships,it can be about losing your
(02:59):
favorite food.
You know what if you woke uptomorrow and you could no longer
eat the foods that you love.
I've had that happen withfriends of mine.
Friends of mine have gottensick and they've had to go
through elimination diets andrealized they can't eat the
things that they've always loved.
Personally, I can't eat thethings that I love because they
are not good for me, and one ofthe things that I find kind of
(03:25):
interesting and sad about myselfis I never really grieved
before a couple of years ago.
Here I am in my mid-50s andgrief was something that was
really foreign to me and eventhough I didn't really
experience it myself, I didn'tallow myself to experience it.
(03:45):
I understood it and I couldhave empathy for other people
going through grief, but I neverallowed myself to grieve and it
was actually a survivalmechanism for myself when we're
younger.
I remember I had a really goodfriend up until I was 11 years
(04:08):
old and then we moved and thatwas really hard and I think it
was after that that I juststopped allowing myself to
grieve.
And I do remember coming upagainst other things in my life
that I had lost, you knowthrough my teen years and stuff
like that and how hard it hitand I would just close myself
off, not allow myself to grieve,you know, because if I didn't
(04:31):
feel it it didn't hurt, right.
But the problem with that iswhen we shut ourself off to
emotions emotions that weconsider bad, emotions like
grief when we shut ourself offto emotions, we shut ourself off
to everything.
I didn't realize it at the time, but after my physical
(04:55):
breakdown I realized, you know,not allowing myself to feel
those things and holding it allinside and allowing that energy
to become trapped in my body ledto my physical breakdown.
My physical breakdown didn'tjust happen.
I mean, it was years in themaking, and I'll share more
about that in another episodecoming up.
(05:16):
I'll share more about what Iwent through, my experiences.
But shutting all that stuff offharmed me in a major way.
So when I was younger, right, Ididn't allow myself to grieve.
I would shut it off, pretend itwasn't happening and move on,
(05:36):
right, move on, keep moving,keep moving, keep moving, run,
run, run, run from that grief,run from the pain.
And I think back and again.
This is something I realizedjust recently.
But I think back out of all ofthe moves that we've done,
because we're a former militaryfamily, we moved every three
(05:56):
years like clockwork rightCreate new friends and then
leave.
Create new friends and thenleave.
Create new friends and thenleave.
Create new friends and thenleave, get involved in
organizations, get involved injust, and then leave.
And I never really grieved theleaving.
I typically would startshutting myself off about six
(06:21):
months before leaving so that wecould just leave, no big deal,
it's just time to move.
Oh well, bye, friends.
Hopefully we'll stay in touch,maybe, maybe not.
But I didn't grieve.
We just kept moving.
I kept moving, I kept.
Yeah, I cried, but I don'tbelieve I allowed myself to
(06:52):
really, truly grieve because I'dgotten so good at shutting it
off, I had gotten so good atshoving it down, I had gotten so
good at not letting thingsbother me at shoving it down.
I had gotten so good at notletting things bother me.
I was fine.
My sister would ask me do youmiss mom sometimes?
And I'm like no, not really.
(07:17):
And she can't understand thatbecause she's much more in tune
with her emotions than I am orthan I used to be anyway, and I
didn't grieve.
I remember very clearly becausemy mom was non-responsive at
this time.
I remember very clearly sayingto her I know you're a prideful
woman and you don't want us tosee your passing, so I'm going
(07:39):
to lay down here and I'm goingto close my eyes, take a little
rest and you are free to go.
And about 10 minutes after Idid that, she breathed her last
and I heard the death rattle.
If anyone's ever been at thebedside you know what that is.
And I heard the death rattle.
I woke my dad up and I saidthis is it, she's leaving.
And we came together around herbed and we were with her when
(08:05):
she passed.
There are stages of grief thatpeople typically go through
right Denial, anger, bargaining,depression and acceptance.
I skipped all of those.
I skipped the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression
and I immediately went toacceptance in all of these
situations.
And I immediately went toacceptance in, like all of these
(08:26):
situations, every time we wouldmove, anytime a pet would pass
away, anytime someone I lovedwould pass away.
I would just go past all ofthose other stages and
immediately to acceptance.
But I know, for me it was aboutprotection.
I was protecting myself, I wasprotecting my heart and shutting
all of that off and shoving itdown, moving right past all
(08:50):
those other stages and goingstraight to acceptance.
Well, it was their time, timefor them to go.
No big deal.
That sounds so callous now thatI look back at it, but that's
where I was at that time.
But I had my first true griefexperience as an adult when my
brother passed away two and ahalf years ago.
(09:11):
In the last episode my sisterand I talked a little bit about
our brother.
I look at grief like an oceanlittle island out in the middle
of the Pacific and there weresome beaches where the waves
were nice and gentle, and thenthere were other beaches that
would crash.
The waves would just crash.
(09:32):
And that's kind of the waygrief is.
Sometimes it's crashing,sometimes it knocks you off
balance and sometimes it's justthis gentle, soothing covering.
Yeah, and when my sister and Iwere talking about my brother in
the last episode, that broughtforward some of those gentle
(09:54):
grief waves.
Sunday in church we sang a songI'd never heard before, so I
don't even remember the tune,but I can read to you what the
lyrics were oh, the overwhelming, never-ending reckless love of
God.
It chases me down fights tillI'm found.
Never-ending reckless love ofGod.
It chases me down fights tillI'm found and leaves the 99.
I couldn't earn it, I didn'tdeserve it.
Still, you gave yourself away.
(10:15):
Oh, the overwhelming,never-ending, reckless love of
God.
And as I was singing this song,just waves of grief about my
brother were coming back in.
And then, of course, course, ithad me thinking about my entire
grief journey as it surroundsmy brother.
So we were living on Guam.
I'm going to go ahead and sharethis story with you.
(10:37):
We were living on Guam and I wascoming back to the States to
visit.
I had a retreat to go to andthen I was going to stay for
about a month and go visitfamily and friends all over the
United States.
We've got people everywhere.
So after my retreat, I went tovisit our oldest son in Northern
(10:57):
California.
I stayed there for about a weekand then I flew to.
Where did I go next?
I flew to Florida to visit mydad and my brother.
He was going to meet me inFlorida and take a little road
trip with me.
My dad had been caring for mycar while I was overseas, but I
was going to take it up to myson in North Carolina and my
(11:20):
brother was going to join me onthat road trip, because I love
road trips.
He loves road trips and he wasjust so excited to be able to
spend time with me.
As an adult We'd never reallyspent a lot of time together as
adults.
You know, we didn't have thebest relationship as kids, as
most people probably have thatexperience.
(11:40):
And then, as we became adults,we each went our own ways and we
did our own things and raisedour families etc.
Etc.
So we didn't really have awhole lot of time together.
And he reached out to me whenhe found out I was coming back
and what my plans were and wewere going to road trip together
.
I was so excited about that.
So I'm at my dad's.
I had just gotten to my dad's,probably an hour before the
(12:03):
phone rang and he called to letus know that they found a tumor
in his colon and he was going infor surgery to have the
blockage removed because it wascancer.
And my dad and I flew out toLas Vegas to be there for his
surgery and it was a beautifultime at his bedside and that was
(12:25):
the beginning of his cancerjourney.
And his cancer was diagnosedand 84 days later he passed away
.
But we got the call from mysister-in-law that his time was
coming close to an end.
So I flew back to the UnitedStates to be at my brother's
bedside.
I had no return date.
(12:46):
It was an open-ended ticket andI had been up until this point.
I had been doing so muchpersonal work.
I had been working with.
I had worked with a therapist.
I had worked with coaches.
As an aromatherapist, I used myaromatherapy tools.
As a holistic, intuitive healer, I did what I could for myself.
(13:07):
It's always hard to work foryourself, healer.
I did what I could for myself.
It's always hard to work foryourself.
It's so important to have otherpeople who can speak into your
life, which is why I was workingwith coaches to help me become
a better me.
When he passed away and the daysleading up to his passing, I
allowed myself to feel.
(13:27):
I allowed myself to his passing.
I allowed myself to feel, Iallowed myself to be present.
I allowed myself to justexperience being there.
It's not like I've never beenwith someone who'd passed away
before.
I have.
I've been with people who'vepassed away.
I used to volunteer for hospice, I've been there at the bedside
, but this was the first time Iactually allowed myself the
(13:50):
chance to grieve, the chance tofeel the weight of his passing.
And then fast forward anotheryear and we got word that my
husband's time at his office inGuam was done and we were going
to be moving back to the States.
Well, I'd moved so many timesbefore.
No big deal, right?
(14:10):
No big deal.
Well, this time it was becauseI had allowed myself to
experience my emotions.
Working with my coaches, I hadlearned to connect with my
emotions.
I believe that we are all bornsensitive beings, every single
(14:33):
one of us.
The reason I believe that isbecause we need our senses to
survive this life.
We have to be able to feel,hear, see, touch, smell.
We have to be able to do thosethings to be able to get through
this life.
How do you know something's hotif you can't feel that it's hot
?
Like?
We need our senses, and whenwe're lacking a sense, the other
(14:54):
senses are heightened.
We are all born sensitivebeings.
We are meant to experience thefull range of human emotion on
this planet.
That's part of our sensing.
That's part of our ability tosurvive.
So I had learned to allowmyself to feel again.
So here we are, leaving Guamand I'm thinking to myself no
big deal, this is fine.
(15:14):
We've moved so many timesbefore, but this is the first
time.
We've been back in the Statesfor a couple of years now, but I
miss it.
I actually grieve leaving Guam.
I miss Guam, I miss my friendsthere, I miss my experience of
the island.
This is the first time I'veever missed somewhere that I've
(15:35):
moved from.
This is the first time I'veever longed to go back to
somewhere and it's because I nowallow myself to actually feel
emotions.
Grief is an emotion.
Grief is something we need toallow ourselves to feel, to
again have that full experienceof being human.
(15:57):
But how can you move throughthe stages of grief?
How can you make it through andstill be okay?
Because that feeling of lossagain going back to the very
beginning, whether it's a person, a pet, a place, an experience,
(16:19):
regardless of what it is how inthe world can you manage the
heaviness of that grief?
There are a lot of ways and youknow what you can do a Google
search.
There are podcasts about grief,there are coaches that focus on
grief, there are therapiststhat focus on grief.
(16:39):
There is so much out thereabout grief, but my personal
experience of grief the thingthat helped me the most
experience of grief, the thingthat helped me the most.
I was participating in amentorship program here where I
live, and the topic that we weretalking about was death one day
and I shared this experience ofbeing at my brother's bedside.
(17:03):
But I also shared that I'mstill struggling with it.
And here it is, you know, ayear and a half, two years later
, still struggling with it.
And at the time that I was inthis mentorship program and all
my aromatherapy friends outthere might understand this I
was experiencing phantasmia Nowthat's a fancy word for
(17:24):
olfactory hallucination as I wasgoing through this mentorship
program.
This went on for a couple ofmonths.
I was smelling cigarette smoke,cigarette smoke constantly,
smelling cigarette smoke.
Now, there's a number ofpossible reasons to experience
phantasmia.
It could be like sinusinfection, migraines, head
(17:45):
injuries, but I was experiencingit because of the loss.
I was experiencing thisphantasmia because my brain was
struggling to make sense of thisloss, to get through this grief
.
But I'm smelling this cigarettesmoke constantly and it was
just the weirdest experience.
(18:06):
And when I shared that in thementoring group, my mentor, he
said, well, have you worked yourway through the grief?
And I was like, well, notreally.
So he suggested and this is myfirst suggestion for you, if
you're working through griefyourself, is to write a letter,
and not just a letter about thegrief, right?
Not that A letter.
I wrote a letter to my brotherabout all of the wonderful
(18:30):
things I remember about him, allof the fun that we had growing
up, the experiences that weshared, and it was really
cathartic to write it all downand get it out of my head and
out of my heart, because whenyou write things physically,
write things with your hand, youuse a different part of your
(18:51):
brain.
It wakes up new neuralconnections and new pathways.
So writing that letter was ahuge part of my grief process.
So if you're going through astage of grief and again,
doesn't matter what it's relatedto and I want to tell you this
also Again, doesn't matter whatit's related to, and I want to
(19:12):
tell you this also no one cantell you and I want you to hear
this no one can tell you thatsomething is not worth grieving.
No-transcript.
Everyone on this planet isunique.
Everyone is different.
Every relationship we have,every connection that we make is
(19:33):
unique to us.
No one can tell you what isworth grieving and no one can
tell you how long grief shouldlast.
No one.
Do not let anyone ever tell youthat.
Anyone ever tell you that.
I had a friend one time, anolder lady whose husband passed
away and I was friends with oneof her children.
(19:56):
She called me one day, really,really, really upset, and this
was several months after thepassing of her husband.
She called me really upsetbecause her children were
telling her that she needed tochange the message on her
answering machine because theydidn't like calling and hearing
their dad's voice.
It was very hard for them.
Well, I told her.
(20:16):
I said you know what?
That is your husband's voice.
And she told me it gives hercomfort to hear the voice.
I said you tell your kids stopcalling if it's too hard for
them, because that's what'smaking it possible for you to
get through the grief.
Don't let anyone tell you howlong grief should last, but
(20:38):
writing that letter to mybrother was a huge part of my
grief process.
So if you're going through agrief process, maybe writing a
letter could be cathartic foryou as well.
So if you're going through agrief process, maybe writing a
letter could be cathartic foryou as well.
Like I said earlier, there aretherapists that focus on grief.
There's coaches that focus ongrief.
There are people who can walkbeside you as you move through
(21:00):
your grief.
Just find ways to invite joyinto your life.
Find ways to bring joy into thegrief.
I know that sounds crazy, butit's totally possible.
It is totally possible to findjoy even through grief.
(21:20):
Grief takes its own time.
Don't let anybody tell you howlong your grief should last, and
the timing is different foreveryone and the timing is
different for each griefsituation.
Just because it took, you know,six months for you to grieve
one thing doesn't mean that'swhat it's going to be every
(21:41):
single time Because, again, youare unique.
The people, the animals, thethings that you connect with are
unique to you.
Every single one of them isgoing to have its own grieving
period.
And be gracious with yourself,be gentle with yourself as you
(22:02):
move through the stages, as youallow grief its time, as you
allow grief it's time.
But the other thing I want toencourage you to do through
grief is seek presence at alltimes.
Seek presence at each of thestages of grief, whether you go
through them quickly or you takeyour time moving through the
(22:24):
stages.
Go through each stage withpresence, and I actually have a
gift for you that might help.
You know, what if you couldslow down through the grief?
What if you could breathethrough the grief?
And I know this sounds kind ofcounterintuitive, but what if
(22:46):
you could actually enjoy themoment that you're in?
Because sometimes grief isremembering the good things,
right, but what if you couldactually enjoy that moment
without feeling guilt or withoutfeeling stressed?
How great would that be.
And that's exactly why I createdFive Ways to Practice Presence.
It's a free guide for you tohelp you feel more grounded and
(23:07):
connected, reduce the overwhelmof the grief in just a few
minutes a day, and to experiencemore peace, joy and clarity, no
matter where you are, whetheryou're going through grief or
you're just moving through life.
Presence isn't about doing more.
I want you to hear thatPresence is not about doing more
(23:28):
.
It's about fully living in themoments that you have right now,
and this guide gives you simple, practical ways to bring more
mindfulness and calm into youreveryday life, starting right
now.
So if you're ready to stoprushing through everything,
especially the grief, right,like I used to do, moving right
(23:49):
to acceptance, if you're readyto stop rushing through it and
start truly living it, justdownload Five Ways to Practice
Presence today, and I willinclude that link in the show
notes.
It's yours, it's free, just gograb it.
And I want you to breathe inand exhale and allow grief its
(24:13):
time.
One more thing I want to tellyou before we close today If you
are not experiencing griefright now, but you have someone
in your life who is, this issomething that I found so
helpful when I was outside ofgrief right.
Remember, at the beginning Isaid I didn't allow myself to
(24:35):
grieve, but I could have empathytowards those who were and
understand their experience.
I had a friend this is a longtime ago, decades ago whose
husband passed away and I didn'treach out to her right away.
And the reason I did that?
Intentionally because in themoments immediately following
(25:01):
the grief moment whether that'sthe passing of someone or the
moving or whatever it is Usuallyin those first two weeks
everybody in their pet monkey isreaching out.
How can I help?
Let me know if you needanything.
Blah, blah, blah.
Here's some food, here's a card, here's some flowers.
(25:24):
In those first two weeks you'reinundated, right.
You're surrounded by people,you're surrounded by love,
you're surrounded by compassion.
After those first two weeks, itkind of starts to taper off and
you get the occasional card orthe occasional hey, just
checking in, but after about sixweeks people forget.
We are so forgetful, people areso forgetful.
(25:46):
And after about six weekspeople start to forget.
People not start to.
They have forgotten.
They're caught up in their ownlives, they're busy moving on.
And here you are, six weeks out, and now the grief hits brand
new.
It hits all over again, becausenow you're alone.
Now you're alone.
(26:07):
So I waited after my friend'shusband passed away for a couple
of months, and then I reachedout hey, would you like to get
together?
Let's do something, let's go,let's do whatever, pick a thing
that you enjoy doing with thatperson, because it's at that
point where the lonelinessreally hits hard.
(26:27):
So I encourage you, if you'renot in a moment of grief, but
you know someone who is, giveyourself that few weeks and then
check in with them and theninvite them to go do something
and then ask them how can I help?
I think that is such a powerfulquestion.
Rather than let me know if youneed anything, how can I help?
(26:51):
How can I support you?
I want to remind you, though,I'm not a grief coach.
I've been there, I get it, Ifeel it, I know it, I've
experienced it and I'm here foryou.
How can I support you?
Thanks so much for spending alittle time with me today on the
Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast.
(27:12):
I hope you're walking away withsomething that sparks joy, hope
or a fresh perspective for yourjourney.
If you loved today's episode,let's keep the conversation
going.
You can find more inspiration,coaching tips and resources over
at my website,LemonBalmcoachingcom.
Don't forget to follow me onsocial media for encouragement
and updates, and you'll find meon Instagram and Facebook at
(27:34):
Lemon Balm Coaching.
And hey, if you're looking fora supportive, uplifting
community of amazing women justlike you, come join us in the
Reignite your Flame Facebookgroup.
It's a safe, welcoming spacewhere we share, grow and cheer
each other on, and you can findthe link on my website or just
search for Reignite your Flameon Facebook.
Remember, honey, just beyourself.
(27:54):
The world needs what only youhave to offer.
Take care and I'll see you inthe next episode.
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