May 21, 2025 • 35 mins
Ever caught yourself pouring every ounce of your being into helping someone who simply wasn't ready to change? That gut-wrenching feeling when you can clearly see their potential, know exactly what would help them, yet nothing shifts? That emotional exhaustion isn't just in your head—it's real, and it's draining your precious energy.
When we invest more energy into someone else's healing than they invest in themselves, we're setting up a painful dynamic that serves nobody. Drawing from personal experience and professional coaching expertise, this episode dives deep into why we feel compelled to "fix" others and what's really happening when we try. That urge to control others' healing journey isn't random—it's actually a survival technique hardwired into our brains, telling us that if our loved ones aren't okay, somehow we won't be either.
I share vulnerable stories from my own life, including my experience as a caretaker for my diabetic father and working through my struggle with anxiety when I tried taking on my husband's problems as my own. These raw examples illuminate the fundamental truth at the heart of all transformation: it must come from within. No amount of external pressure, no matter how well-intentioned, can force someone to change who isn't ready.
But this doesn't leave us powerless. We can learn to "hold space" rather than push solutions, offer encouragement instead of enforcement, and set healthy boundaries that protect our energy while still allowing us to care deeply. The shift from being a "fixer" to becoming a "supporter" not only preserves your wellbeing but often creates the exact environment where others feel safe enough to begin their own healing journey.
If you've been carrying the emotional weight of someone else's choices, this episode offers practical tools to reclaim your energy without losing your compassion. Remember, what's yours is yours, and what's theirs is theirs. Your energy is too precious to misplace—let's redirect it where it truly serves.
Download 5 Ways to Stop Misplacing Energy HERE
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Have you ever poured your heart and your soul into
trying to help someone Wishing,hoping, maybe even begging them
to make a change?
Maybe it's a loved onestruggling with their health or
their mindset, or a patternthat's just keeping them stuck?
You can clearly see theirpotential, you know what can
(00:30):
help them and yet nothingchanges.
I get it.
I've been there and let me tellyou it's exhausting.
When you invest all of yourenergy into wishing and wanting
healing for someone else morethan they want it for themselves
, you're setting yourself up forfrustration, burnout and
heartbreak.
In this episode, I'm sharing myown personal stories of
(00:55):
misplaced energy times.
I tried so hard to wish someoneinto wellness and, more
importantly, I'll be giving yousome tools to shift your energy
in a way that actually servesyou and allows you to support
your loved ones without losingyourself in the process.
If you've ever felt like you'recarrying the emotional weight
(01:16):
of someone else's journey, thisepisode is for you.
Let's talk about how to let go,how to set boundaries and how
to reclaim your energy withoutlosing your compassion.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast, your cozy
corner of the world where we'llsip on life's lessons and
squeeze the most out of everymoment.
I'm Melissa, your coach,cheerleader and maybe even a
(01:39):
little bit like that mom whoalways has a warm hug and the
best advice waiting for you.
If you're a woman over 40feeling like life's left you a
little lost, aimless ordownright stuck, you're in the
right place.
This is where your joy, yourfreedom and your purpose come
back into focus.
Together, we'll laugh, learnand rediscover what makes you
come alive, because it's not toolate.
(02:01):
This is your time, so grab acup of something warm, settle in
and let's start creating thenext most beautiful chapter of
your life together.
Control is an illusion, and Iwould go so far as to say that
this desire to control others isactually a survival technique,
(02:26):
and I'll explain a little bitmore about that.
But where does this desire tocontrol come from?
As women, we tend to have thisdeep desire to help, to help to
heal those that we love.
And why?
What is behind this desire tohelp them heal, this desire to
(02:57):
control their process?
Like I said, it's a survivaltechnique, and it's a beautiful
survival technique, because wehave to have love, we have to
have safety, we have to havebelonging to survive in this
world, and without those threethings, our brain believes that
we're going to die.
So when we see someone that welove making choices that lead
(03:19):
them down a destructive pathwhether that's with their health
or their relationships or theirjobs or whatever it is when we
see people making those choicesthat lead them down that path,
it's, it's scary for us and ourour survival brain kicks in and
it says we've got to fix it.
(03:39):
We've got to make sure they'reokay, because if they're not
okay, then I'm not okay.
If they're not okay, then Ican't survive.
We all every single one of us onthe planet, whether you're a
man or a woman we have this deepdesire to help and heal those
we love, and it comes from thatplace of survival.
But when we spend our energytrying to help the people that
(04:07):
we love be well, it drains us.
We get drained.
When we're spending all of ourenergy focusing it on helping
other people be well, now thatmight sound really
counterintuitive coming fromsomeone who actually helps
people be well.
Now, that might sound reallycounterintuitive coming from
someone who actually helpspeople be well as my career
(04:28):
choice.
But when we're talking aboutour relationships, that's when
it becomes draining, because weare so emotionally invested in
the people that we love.
When we see them making thesechoices, when we see them
walking down these paths, wewant to help.
And when we take the energy andinvest it in them when they're
not really ready to startworking on their own healing
(04:51):
journey, it's exhausting.
We can't wish someone intowellness, we can't hope someone
into wellness, we can't forcesomeone into wellness.
But when we try to do that,it's coming from that place of
survival and I hope you can seethat.
(05:12):
And when we think aboutsurvival right, there's the four
pieces to that right.
Most people know of fight orflight, but there's also now
considered fawn and freeze, andfor the longest time it was
fight flight.
But there's also now consideredfawn and freeze, and for the
longest time it was fight flightand then they added freeze.
But now we've added fawn.
So there's fight, flight,freeze or fawn, and what this
(05:36):
really is is it's yoursympathetic nervous system
taking over and it's doing itsjob.
It's doing a beautiful job.
We do not want to beatourselves up for going into
survival mode, because that'swhat our brain does the best.
That's what that part of ourbrain is designed to do to throw
you into survival mode toactivate your sympathetic
nervous system.
(05:57):
But when that happens and we'reinvesting this energy into
fighting for others who don'twant to be fought for, it's
exhausting.
And when we're talking aboutthis control, this desire to
help other people be well, whenwe're talking about that, what
(06:18):
we're really talking about isthat fight part of the
sympathetic nervous system.
We want to fight for the peoplethat we love.
That's not a bad thing, but ifthey don't want to be fought for
, it can become a problem.
We have to understand.
When we are considering thewellness of the people around us
(06:39):
, when we're considering theirmental, emotional, spiritual,
physical wellness, consideringtheir mental, emotional,
spiritual, physical wellness, weneed to understand, we must
understand.
We have to understand that truechange, true transformation,
comes from within, not fromexternal pressure.
If you're walking a healingjourney, you're probably doing
(07:03):
it because you decided youwanted to do it.
You decided that's it, I'm done, I want to be well.
It's not because someoneberated you into being well.
I remember back when I was a BoyScout Master and there is a at
that time.
I'm not sure if it still exists, but at that time there was
this premier leadership coursecalled Wood Badge that they
(07:29):
wanted all leaders to go throughIf you were in a position of
leadership in the Boy Scouts.
They wanted you to attend thiscourse and I know why.
It's an absolutely wonderfulcourse.
But I remember for probablythree years people would come up
to me and say you need to signup, you need to sign up, you
need to sign up, you need tosign up.
And I always told them when I'mready to sign up, I will sign
(07:54):
up.
You can't pressure me from theoutside and I knew that about
myself and I would tell themstop trying to pressure me.
When it's time for me to go, Iwill go, and I did.
Stop trying to pressure me.
When it's time for me to go, Iwill go, and I did.
When it was time, I did, Isigned up and I went and it was
(08:14):
wonderful.
But true transformation is aninternal decision.
It's not something you canberate someone into.
It's not someone that you can.
You can't force someone to wantto be well.
You just cannot do it.
And I've said that for years,even before I became a coach.
I just knew that intrinsically,that transformation was a
personal decision.
Whatever the transformation is,whether it's releasing weight,
(08:37):
something having to do with yourjob, something having to do
with your emotional health oryour spiritual health.
It's always a personal decision.
It cannot be coerced.
You cannot coerce someone tomake a decision that's good for
them.
It has to be something thatthey desire.
And I have a perfect examplefor you.
(08:59):
My dad has been diabetic hisentire life.
Entire life since he was about12 years old and he's he's going
to be 80 this year and most ofhis life he just ate whatever he
wanted and then took insulin tocounteract that.
And as a type one diabeticdiagnosed in the 1950s, that was
(09:19):
their, that was theirunderstanding of the disease at
the time Eat whatever you want,take insulin to counteract it,
because kind of that's what ourbodies do.
Naturally, we eat things andour body produces insulin to
counteract it.
But his whole life, up untilabout three years ago, that's
how he managed and I say managedloosely managed his diabetes.
(09:41):
But what would happen if you'refamiliar with diabetes, when
you eat carbohydrates?
Carbohydrates spikes your bloodsugar, obviously, and then he
would take insulin to counteractthat.
So anytime he would eat, hisblood sugar would spike and then
he would take insulin and thenit would plummet, spike, plummet
, spike, plummet all day long.
(10:02):
Spike, plummet, spike, plummetall day long.
Well, I became his caretaker acouple of years ago and I
presented him with opportunities.
I presented him with options.
Here's a way that you could eatthat could prevent those spikes
and drops from happening.
Here's a way that you couldmove that would help increase
(10:23):
your energy.
Just offering him options, butnot demanding that he make those
changes.
And, as a result, over the lasttwo years he's made so many
beautiful changes in his dietand how he does things that his
blood sugar is fairly levelalmost every day.
But I didn't force him to do it.
(10:45):
I didn't say you can only eatthese foods, you can only do
these things.
I just presented opportunitiesand gave him the choice, and
when he would come to me and sayI think I'm done doing that,
we'd be done doing it.
Transformation has to come fromwithin.
You cannot coerce someone to bewell.
Come from within.
(11:07):
You cannot coerce someone to bewell.
So what are some signs that youare misplacing your energy when
it comes to the people that youlove, the people that you want
to see?
Well, what are some of thesigns that you could be on the
lookout for that will let youknow that you're misplacing your
energy?
This is a big one the constantworry or obsessing over someone
else's healing journey.
I come from a family ofworriers.
(11:31):
My mom was a worrier.
She worried all the time.
We used to joke if there wasn'tsomething to worry about, she
would make something up to worryabout.
But when we're talking aboutour misplaced energy, if you
find yourself worryingconstantly or obsessing over
someone else's healing journey,that's probably a sign to you
(11:55):
that you're misplacing yourenergy.
And what do I mean by misplacingyour energy?
Let me talk about that realquick.
Let's say we have 100% energyeach day and on that graph,
(12:23):
let's say 20% of your energy isspent on exercise, 20% is spent
on eating.
That leaves you with 60%.
Another 20% might be spent onyour job, another 20% might be
spent on your home and then youhave another 20% left.
What do you do with that 20%?
Spend time with your family, etcetera, et cetera.
We only have 100% energy.
And if you think about all thethings that are important to you
(12:45):
in your life and you figure outhow much energy you're actually
spending on each one of thosethings, if you start to worry,
if you start to obsess oversomeone else's healing journey,
it's going to take up energyfrom somewhere.
It has to take energy fromsomewhere.
I always love to tell peopleyou can do anything you set your
mind to.
I always love to tell peopleyou can do anything you set your
(13:07):
mind to.
You can really do anything inthis life, and as a mom, as a
wife, as just a woman in general.
We are all powerful Hear usroar but we can't do everything
all at once.
You can do everything.
You can do everything you wantin this life, but you can't do
them all at the same time.
It is physically impossible todo everything all at the same
(13:27):
time.
So, if we're thinking about theworrying and obsessing that
takes energy it might not takephysical energy, but it
definitely takes mental energyand spiritual energy to be
worrying or obsessing oversomeone else.
So think about where thatenergy might be coming from, and
would it be better spent onsomething else, something that
(13:50):
would actually make a differencein your life?
Because I have no control overwhat someone else does
Absolutely zero control overwhat someone else does.
I have zero control over whatmy dad chooses to do.
I can't worry about what he's.
That's him.
Another sign that you might bemisplacing your energy is if
(14:15):
you're feeling responsible forsomeone else's choices or
progress.
Again, they are making thechoices for their life.
But if you find yourselffeeling responsible, believing
that you are the one makingtheir choices possible or not
(14:37):
possible, that's a sign thatyou're misplacing your energy.
Highly, highly highly recommendthat you check in with yourself
when you're feeling thatfeeling.
If I could just tell you howmany times someone told me all I
have to do is cook better foodfor the people in my home,
(14:57):
because people in my family westruggle.
We struggle with our weight.
It goes up and down, up anddown, up and down.
We struggle.
It's a commonality, it's acommon thread among the people
of my family and I cannot tellyou the number of times people
would come to me and say of myfamily.
And I cannot tell you thenumber of times people would
come to me and say if you justcooked better food, they would
be healthier.
I can tell you I cooked a goodfood.
(15:18):
I cook everything from scratch.
We ate well, but I have nocontrol over how much they
choose to eat.
I have no control over whetheror not they run down to the gas
station and buy snacks.
I have no control over whatthey choose when our kids are
(15:40):
little.
Sure, we are the voice.
We are the voice that tellsthem what they can and cannot do
, what they should and shouldnot do.
But once they are cognizant andmaking their own decisions,
that's on them.
Cognizant and making their owndecisions, that's on them.
Just seriously, the number oftimes people tried to shame me
for how someone in my familylooked or behaved, I am not
(16:05):
responsible for that.
That is their choice.
I could cook the absolutelymost wonderful, 100% healthiest
food on the entire planet, butif they choose to eat a ton of
it or if they choose to go getjunk food, I have no control
over that.
Pardon my language.
They are grown ass, adults andthey can make their own
(16:27):
decisions.
It's not on me.
So the next time you startfeeling that responsibility or
someone tries to shame you inthat, remember it's their
decision to do the thingsthey're doing.
Here's another sign If you startfeeling emotional exhaustion,
frustration or even resentment.
(16:49):
I have worked with severalclients who feel resentful
toward their partner becausetheir partner is making bad
choices.
They're frustrated that they'remaking these choices.
They send me pictures Look atwhat he's choosing.
Look at what he's choosing,look at what he's doing.
And I have to remind them.
Yes, that's terrible, it's notgood for their health.
(17:13):
I know the issues that they'redealing with, but again, that's
their choice.
That is a grown-ass person whocan run to the grocery store or
the convenience store and getthe junk that they want.
It is not on you, but it doesbecome exhausting.
It does become emotionallyexhausting, it can be
(17:35):
frustrating, it can lead toresentment.
Look at the work that I'm doingon myself and you're over there
like a bump on a log.
It can lead to that resentment.
So, again, remembering mychoices for me, their choices
for them.
And here's a big one If you'reneglecting your own well-being
(17:59):
while you're worrying, obsessing, stressing over someone else's
healing journey, that is a hugelag, a huge warning sign for you
.
And I'll tell you a littlestory about that.
Back when I was going throughmenopause, I started struggling
with anxiety, like really,really crippling anxiety and
(18:22):
depression.
So I sought out a therapist andI started going to see a
therapist and through our monthstogether, what we really
realized the bottom line was Iwas trying to take on my
husband's problems and make themmine, because I was frustrated
(18:48):
and feeling resentment over hischoices and I was feeling
responsible for his choices,resentment over his choices, and
I was feeling responsible forhis choices.
So I started neglecting my ownhealth, my own wellness, my own
journey and took his on.
I tried to take his on, I triedto wish him to wellness.
I was putting all of my energyinto making sure he was okay, to
(19:13):
the point where I wasneglecting myself.
So if you find that you areneglecting your own well-being
while placing all of this energyinto wishing and hoping and
obsessing over someone else,huge, huge, huge red flag.
If you find that you're walkingaway from your good, healthy
(19:33):
food habits, that you're walkingaway from your good, healthy
food habits, if you're walkingaway from your good movement
habits, if you're walking awayfrom your good spiritual habits
in exchange for worrying andobsessing over them, huge red
flag.
So those are some of the signsthat can let you know you're
misplacing your energy.
(19:53):
But what can you do, right?
So now we know what it lookslike if I'm doing it.
But now what?
What do I do now?
Well, there's a few things thatyou can do that'll really,
really help Yourself in thisprocess, because that's what
we're here for.
We're here to talk about you.
If you're listening, it'sbecause you want to know how you
(20:15):
can help yourself right.
So the first thing that you cando and I love this term, it's a
huge coaching term, it'ssomething that we say hold space
, so you can hold space for thatother person instead of pushing
solutions on them.
Have you ever had someone whojust reaches out to you and goes
(20:38):
, oh my gosh, this is the mostamazing thing.
You should read it.
This is the most amazing thing.
You should listen to it.
This is the most amazing thing.
You should cook it.
This is the most amazing.
And it goes on and on and on.
And they really mean well, butthey're pushing.
They're pushing solutions, andwhat holds even more power is
holding space.
(20:58):
So what do I mean by that?
I was working with a client justthe other day and we were
talking about this exact topicand the thing that we came to
was how to hold space.
I would love for you to justkind of close your eyes, if
you're not driving close youreyes and think about a beautiful
space.
You know that could be a field,it could be a meadow, it could
(21:21):
be the beach, it could be.
If you're a sports fan, itcould be an arena.
Whatever it is.
Pick a beautiful space where youcan place that person in your
mind.
You're placing them in abeautiful space, a beautiful
space where they can be 100%themselves, a beautiful space
(21:45):
where they can hold their ownhealing journey while you're
looking in from the outside.
I don't want you to be in thatspace with them, but I want you
to be looking into that in fromthe outside.
I don't want you to be in thatspace with them, but I want you
to be looking into that spacefrom the outside.
This is what holding space isCreating a place inside of your
mind where they can existbeautifully, 100% themselves.
(22:08):
No expectations on your end, noobsession, no worrying, because
they're in a beautiful, safespace where they can be 100%
themselves, where they can 100%make their choices for
themselves, where they can existinside your heart, inside your
(22:34):
mind, but safely.
The other thing that you can dowhen you're holding space for
someone is to practice presence,and we went over this in
episode six of the podcast, sogo back and listen if you're
curious about practicingpresence.
But when you hold space forsomeone and you're present with
(22:58):
them where they are, that is sopowerful.
They recognize on asubconscious level that you are
safe, that you're not going toforce them to do things that
they don't want to do, to dothings that they're not ready to
(23:18):
do.
Practicing presence speaksdirectly to their subconscious,
directly to that part of thebrain that's always on alert for
danger.
It speaks directly to theirsurvival brain.
The power of presence.
That's the power of presence.
(23:39):
So hold space for people in yourlife.
Hold space for the people inyour life who desperately need
it.
Right, because you're on theoutside.
You can see the choices thatthey're making.
You can see that the thingsthat they're doing are leading
down a path that is not good.
You can clearly see it, butdon't push solutions on them.
(24:02):
Hold space, because they haveto make their choices and you
get to make your choices.
This is your choice.
This is your choice to holdspace.
This is your choice to bepresent.
This is your choice to listenand accept and place them in
(24:29):
that space in your brain.
That's safe and you can seethat they're safe.
You can see that they are safe,that they are okay, even with
the choices that they're making.
Another thing that you can do isencourage them.
Encourage, not enforce.
We want to support peoplewithout smothering them.
We want to be there for them.
We want to say things like thatwas great.
(24:51):
Look what you just did.
Wow.
Instead of choosing fried fish,you chose baked fish.
That's great.
Encouragement, not enforcement.
Well, no, I'm not going to cookfried fish for you anymore,
because it's bad for you.
We're only having baked fishfrom now on.
That's enforcement.
Wow.
(25:11):
I'm so proud of you for goingto the fast food place and
getting grilled chicken insteadof fried chicken.
That's awesome.
I'm proud of you.
Encouragement over enforcement.
Offer words of building upinstead of words of breaking
down, because our wordsabsolutely matter.
(25:34):
Use your words to build peopleup instead of breaking them down
.
And again, I know we've alreadysaid this, but it can be really
hard.
It can be really hard whenwe're talking about the people
that we love, because we areemotionally involved.
We are emotionally involvedbecause that part of our brain
needs to survive and we're notsure if we can survive without
(25:58):
them, right?
So we're going to do everythingwe can to make sure that
they're well.
Another thing that you can dothat is so, so, so helpful is
setting up a healthy boundaryfor yourself.
Boundaries protect you and them.
Boundaries protect your energyand their energy, so you can
protect yourself while stillcaring deeply for the other
(26:21):
person.
Healthy boundaries are soimportant in really every area
of life, but this is a reallybig one, especially for the
people who do obsess, who doworry about the health and
wellbeing of their partners, oftheir family members, of their
friends, of their coworkers.
I mean, some people are sodeeply feeling that they care
(26:43):
about the stranger on the streetthat way, so a healthy boundary
is so important.
So a healthy boundary is soimportant.
How do you set healthyboundaries?
That is a topic for anotherepisode.
But, going back to holdingspace, you can create boundaries
just like that.
You can create boundariesaround yourself where you say
(27:03):
I'm okay if I worry about thispart of their well-being, I'm
not okay if I worry about thatpart of their wellbeing.
Boundaries are personal.
Boundaries are very, verypersonal.
What works for me may not workfor you.
What works for your neighbormay not work for your coworker.
Boundaries are so important,especially when we're talking
(27:27):
about this type of energy, thistype of worrying energy, this
type of obsessing energy.
These are negative energiesthat will drag you down, get
stuck in your body and createsymptoms and eventually morph
into disease if you're notcareful.
So we want to make sure we'resetting those healthy boundaries
around our energy, around ourthoughts, around our actions
(27:51):
when it comes to the health andwell-being of those that we love
.
Another beautiful tool that youcan use for yourself, because
we're talking about you, we'renot talking about them.
They are grown-ass people whocan make their own choices, but
we can redirect our focus when Isee that I'm starting to worry
(28:12):
or obsess.
I can redirect my energy backinto my own healing journey,
back into my own personal growth.
So some of you listening mightreally consider yourself a fixer
.
Like I fix things, I helppeople be well, I do it, but
remembering we can't forceanyone to do anything that
(28:38):
they're not willing to do.
Right?
I cannot obsess over someoneelse's health.
Their choices are theirs, mychoices are mine.
How can you go from being afixer to being a supporter?
Like we were talking about thatsupportive energy, right, that
encouragement, holding space.
How can you go from being afixer to being a supporter?
Well, the first thing is torelease the guilt of not being
(29:01):
able to heal someone else.
I want to say that againRelease the guilt of not being
able to heal someone else.
A lot of the people that I talkto are healers.
We're healers.
We want people to be well.
(29:22):
That's what I do as a coach.
I want people to be well.
That's what I do as anaromatherapist I want people to
be well.
I'm a healer at heart, and whenI can't force someone to heal,
when I can't force someone to bewell, there can be guilt in
that.
There can be some guilt there.
So, releasing that guilt,letting it go, when you see that
(29:47):
the person you love is stillchoosing to be unwell, when you
find yourself worrying, when youfind yourself obsessing, when
you find yourself frustrated orresentful, the best thing that
you can do is stop Right there.
Wherever it is that you'restarting to feel those feelings,
(30:08):
stop, take a step back, moveout of that space.
Take a step back, take a deepbreath and remember what's mine
(30:32):
is mine and what's theirs istheirs.
If you feel like you've beenpouring your energy into
everything and everyone, yet youstill feel unfulfilled,
exhausted and stuck, you're notalone.
So many people spend theirenergy in ways that do not serve
and they don't even realize it.
That's why I created the freeguide Five Ways to Stop
(30:53):
Misplacing your Energy, and thisis for women who desire to
learn to love others well, whilemaintaining a healthy boundary
around their energy.
In this guide, I offer you fiveways that you can shift from
misplacing your energy toplacing it where it's actually
(31:14):
going to do good.
Your energy is precious, soit's time to stop misplacing it
on things that do not serve youand start using it to create
peace, joy and fulfillment inyour life.
I'm going to place a link intothe show notes where you can
download it today.
You do not have to stay stuckin exhaustion.
(31:35):
You can shift your energy inthe right direction, starting
today.
Thank you so much for tuninginto this episode of the Lemon
Balm Coaching Podcast.
If this message resonated withyou, I just ask that you
subscribe to the podcast, sharethe podcast and take care of you
and your energy.
(31:57):
Remember what's yours is yoursand what's theirs is theirs.
Also, remember that you weredesigned with special gifts and
talents to bring to this world.
You are not a mistake.
You were not born in the wrongcentury.
The world needs you, the true,authentic healing you right here
(32:19):
and right now.
Thanks so much for spending alittle time with me today on the
Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast.
I hope you're walking away withsomething that sparks joy, hope
or a fresh perspective for yourjourney.
If you loved today's episode,let's keep the conversation
going.
You can find more inspiration,coaching tips and resources over
(32:40):
at my website,lemonbalmcoachingcom.
Don't forget to follow me onsocial media for encouragement
and updates, and you'll find meon Instagram and Facebook at
Lemon Balm Coaching.
And hey, if you're looking fora supportive, uplifting
community of amazing women justlike you, come join us in the
Reignite your Flame Facebookgroup.
It's a safe, welcoming spacewhere we share, grow and cheer
(33:01):
each other on, and you can findthe link on my website or just
search for Reignite your Flameon Facebook.
Remember, honey, just beyourself.
The world needs what only youhave to offer.
Take care and I'll see you inthe next episode.
Have you ever poured your heart and your soul into
trying to help someone Wishing,hoping, maybe even begging them
to make a change?
Maybe it's a loved onestruggling with their health or
their mindset, or a patternthat's just keeping them stuck?
You can clearly see theirpotential, you know what can
(00:30):
help them and yet nothingchanges.
I get it.
I've been there and let me tellyou it's exhausting.
When you invest all of yourenergy into wishing and wanting
healing for someone else morethan they want it for themselves
, you're setting yourself up forfrustration, burnout and
heartbreak.
In this episode, I'm sharing myown personal stories of
(00:55):
misplaced energy times.
I tried so hard to wish someoneinto wellness and, more
importantly, I'll be giving yousome tools to shift your energy
in a way that actually servesyou and allows you to support
your loved ones without losingyourself in the process.
If you've ever felt like you'recarrying the emotional weight
(01:16):
of someone else's journey, thisepisode is for you.
Let's talk about how to let go,how to set boundaries and how
to reclaim your energy withoutlosing your compassion.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast, your cozy
corner of the world where we'llsip on life's lessons and
squeeze the most out of everymoment.
I'm Melissa, your coach,cheerleader and maybe even a
(01:39):
little bit like that mom whoalways has a warm hug and the
best advice waiting for you.
If you're a woman over 40feeling like life's left you a
little lost, aimless ordownright stuck, you're in the
right place.
This is where your joy, yourfreedom and your purpose come
back into focus.
Together, we'll laugh, learnand rediscover what makes you
come alive, because it's not toolate.
(02:01):
This is your time, so grab acup of something warm, settle in
and let's start creating thenext most beautiful chapter of
your life together.
Control is an illusion, and Iwould go so far as to say that
this desire to control others isactually a survival technique,
(02:26):
and I'll explain a little bitmore about that.
But where does this desire tocontrol come from?
As women, we tend to have thisdeep desire to help, to help to
heal those that we love.
And why?
What is behind this desire tohelp them heal, this desire to
(02:57):
control their process?
Like I said, it's a survivaltechnique, and it's a beautiful
survival technique, because wehave to have love, we have to
have safety, we have to havebelonging to survive in this
world, and without those threethings, our brain believes that
we're going to die.
So when we see someone that welove making choices that lead
(03:19):
them down a destructive pathwhether that's with their health
or their relationships or theirjobs or whatever it is when we
see people making those choicesthat lead them down that path,
it's, it's scary for us and ourour survival brain kicks in and
it says we've got to fix it.
(03:39):
We've got to make sure they'reokay, because if they're not
okay, then I'm not okay.
If they're not okay, then Ican't survive.
We all every single one of us onthe planet, whether you're a
man or a woman we have this deepdesire to help and heal those
we love, and it comes from thatplace of survival.
But when we spend our energytrying to help the people that
(04:07):
we love be well, it drains us.
We get drained.
When we're spending all of ourenergy focusing it on helping
other people be well, now thatmight sound really
counterintuitive coming fromsomeone who actually helps
people be well.
Now, that might sound reallycounterintuitive coming from
someone who actually helpspeople be well as my career
(04:28):
choice.
But when we're talking aboutour relationships, that's when
it becomes draining, because weare so emotionally invested in
the people that we love.
When we see them making thesechoices, when we see them
walking down these paths, wewant to help.
And when we take the energy andinvest it in them when they're
not really ready to startworking on their own healing
(04:51):
journey, it's exhausting.
We can't wish someone intowellness, we can't hope someone
into wellness, we can't forcesomeone into wellness.
But when we try to do that,it's coming from that place of
survival and I hope you can seethat.
(05:12):
And when we think aboutsurvival right, there's the four
pieces to that right.
Most people know of fight orflight, but there's also now
considered fawn and freeze, andfor the longest time it was
fight flight.
But there's also now consideredfawn and freeze, and for the
longest time it was fight flightand then they added freeze.
But now we've added fawn.
So there's fight, flight,freeze or fawn, and what this
(05:36):
really is is it's yoursympathetic nervous system
taking over and it's doing itsjob.
It's doing a beautiful job.
We do not want to beatourselves up for going into
survival mode, because that'swhat our brain does the best.
That's what that part of ourbrain is designed to do to throw
you into survival mode toactivate your sympathetic
nervous system.
(05:57):
But when that happens and we'reinvesting this energy into
fighting for others who don'twant to be fought for, it's
exhausting.
And when we're talking aboutthis control, this desire to
help other people be well, whenwe're talking about that, what
(06:18):
we're really talking about isthat fight part of the
sympathetic nervous system.
We want to fight for the peoplethat we love.
That's not a bad thing, but ifthey don't want to be fought for
, it can become a problem.
We have to understand.
When we are considering thewellness of the people around us
(06:39):
, when we're considering theirmental, emotional, spiritual,
physical wellness, consideringtheir mental, emotional,
spiritual, physical wellness, weneed to understand, we must
understand.
We have to understand that truechange, true transformation,
comes from within, not fromexternal pressure.
If you're walking a healingjourney, you're probably doing
(07:03):
it because you decided youwanted to do it.
You decided that's it, I'm done, I want to be well.
It's not because someoneberated you into being well.
I remember back when I was a BoyScout Master and there is a at
that time.
I'm not sure if it still exists, but at that time there was
this premier leadership coursecalled Wood Badge that they
(07:29):
wanted all leaders to go throughIf you were in a position of
leadership in the Boy Scouts.
They wanted you to attend thiscourse and I know why.
It's an absolutely wonderfulcourse.
But I remember for probablythree years people would come up
to me and say you need to signup, you need to sign up, you
need to sign up, you need tosign up.
And I always told them when I'mready to sign up, I will sign
(07:54):
up.
You can't pressure me from theoutside and I knew that about
myself and I would tell themstop trying to pressure me.
When it's time for me to go, Iwill go, and I did.
Stop trying to pressure me.
When it's time for me to go, Iwill go, and I did.
When it was time, I did, Isigned up and I went and it was
(08:14):
wonderful.
But true transformation is aninternal decision.
It's not something you canberate someone into.
It's not someone that you can.
You can't force someone to wantto be well.
You just cannot do it.
And I've said that for years,even before I became a coach.
I just knew that intrinsically,that transformation was a
personal decision.
Whatever the transformation is,whether it's releasing weight,
(08:37):
something having to do with yourjob, something having to do
with your emotional health oryour spiritual health.
It's always a personal decision.
It cannot be coerced.
You cannot coerce someone tomake a decision that's good for
them.
It has to be something thatthey desire.
And I have a perfect examplefor you.
(08:59):
My dad has been diabetic hisentire life.
Entire life since he was about12 years old and he's he's going
to be 80 this year and most ofhis life he just ate whatever he
wanted and then took insulin tocounteract that.
And as a type one diabeticdiagnosed in the 1950s, that was
(09:19):
their, that was theirunderstanding of the disease at
the time Eat whatever you want,take insulin to counteract it,
because kind of that's what ourbodies do.
Naturally, we eat things andour body produces insulin to
counteract it.
But his whole life, up untilabout three years ago, that's
how he managed and I say managedloosely managed his diabetes.
(09:41):
But what would happen if you'refamiliar with diabetes, when
you eat carbohydrates?
Carbohydrates spikes your bloodsugar, obviously, and then he
would take insulin to counteractthat.
So anytime he would eat, hisblood sugar would spike and then
he would take insulin and thenit would plummet, spike, plummet
, spike, plummet all day long.
(10:02):
Spike, plummet, spike, plummetall day long.
Well, I became his caretaker acouple of years ago and I
presented him with opportunities.
I presented him with options.
Here's a way that you could eatthat could prevent those spikes
and drops from happening.
Here's a way that you couldmove that would help increase
(10:23):
your energy.
Just offering him options, butnot demanding that he make those
changes.
And, as a result, over the lasttwo years he's made so many
beautiful changes in his dietand how he does things that his
blood sugar is fairly levelalmost every day.
But I didn't force him to do it.
(10:45):
I didn't say you can only eatthese foods, you can only do
these things.
I just presented opportunitiesand gave him the choice, and
when he would come to me and sayI think I'm done doing that,
we'd be done doing it.
Transformation has to come fromwithin.
You cannot coerce someone to bewell.
Come from within.
(11:07):
You cannot coerce someone to bewell.
So what are some signs that youare misplacing your energy when
it comes to the people that youlove, the people that you want
to see?
Well, what are some of thesigns that you could be on the
lookout for that will let youknow that you're misplacing your
energy?
This is a big one the constantworry or obsessing over someone
else's healing journey.
I come from a family ofworriers.
(11:31):
My mom was a worrier.
She worried all the time.
We used to joke if there wasn'tsomething to worry about, she
would make something up to worryabout.
But when we're talking aboutour misplaced energy, if you
find yourself worryingconstantly or obsessing over
someone else's healing journey,that's probably a sign to you
(11:55):
that you're misplacing yourenergy.
And what do I mean by misplacingyour energy?
Let me talk about that realquick.
Let's say we have 100% energyeach day and on that graph,
(12:23):
let's say 20% of your energy isspent on exercise, 20% is spent
on eating.
That leaves you with 60%.
Another 20% might be spent onyour job, another 20% might be
spent on your home and then youhave another 20% left.
What do you do with that 20%?
Spend time with your family, etcetera, et cetera.
We only have 100% energy.
And if you think about all thethings that are important to you
(12:45):
in your life and you figure outhow much energy you're actually
spending on each one of thosethings, if you start to worry,
if you start to obsess oversomeone else's healing journey,
it's going to take up energyfrom somewhere.
It has to take energy fromsomewhere.
I always love to tell peopleyou can do anything you set your
mind to.
I always love to tell peopleyou can do anything you set your
(13:07):
mind to.
You can really do anything inthis life, and as a mom, as a
wife, as just a woman in general.
We are all powerful Hear usroar but we can't do everything
all at once.
You can do everything.
You can do everything you wantin this life, but you can't do
them all at the same time.
It is physically impossible todo everything all at the same
(13:27):
time.
So, if we're thinking about theworrying and obsessing that
takes energy it might not takephysical energy, but it
definitely takes mental energyand spiritual energy to be
worrying or obsessing oversomeone else.
So think about where thatenergy might be coming from, and
would it be better spent onsomething else, something that
(13:50):
would actually make a differencein your life?
Because I have no control overwhat someone else does
Absolutely zero control overwhat someone else does.
I have zero control over whatmy dad chooses to do.
I can't worry about what he's.
That's him.
Another sign that you might bemisplacing your energy is if
(14:15):
you're feeling responsible forsomeone else's choices or
progress.
Again, they are making thechoices for their life.
But if you find yourselffeeling responsible, believing
that you are the one makingtheir choices possible or not
(14:37):
possible, that's a sign thatyou're misplacing your energy.
Highly, highly highly recommendthat you check in with yourself
when you're feeling thatfeeling.
If I could just tell you howmany times someone told me all I
have to do is cook better foodfor the people in my home,
(14:57):
because people in my family westruggle.
We struggle with our weight.
It goes up and down, up anddown, up and down.
We struggle.
It's a commonality, it's acommon thread among the people
of my family and I cannot tellyou the number of times people
would come to me and say of myfamily.
And I cannot tell you thenumber of times people would
come to me and say if you justcooked better food, they would
be healthier.
I can tell you I cooked a goodfood.
(15:18):
I cook everything from scratch.
We ate well, but I have nocontrol over how much they
choose to eat.
I have no control over whetheror not they run down to the gas
station and buy snacks.
I have no control over whatthey choose when our kids are
(15:40):
little.
Sure, we are the voice.
We are the voice that tellsthem what they can and cannot do
, what they should and shouldnot do.
But once they are cognizant andmaking their own decisions,
that's on them.
Cognizant and making their owndecisions, that's on them.
Just seriously, the number oftimes people tried to shame me
for how someone in my familylooked or behaved, I am not
(16:05):
responsible for that.
That is their choice.
I could cook the absolutelymost wonderful, 100% healthiest
food on the entire planet, butif they choose to eat a ton of
it or if they choose to go getjunk food, I have no control
over that.
Pardon my language.
They are grown ass, adults andthey can make their own
(16:27):
decisions.
It's not on me.
So the next time you startfeeling that responsibility or
someone tries to shame you inthat, remember it's their
decision to do the thingsthey're doing.
Here's another sign If you startfeeling emotional exhaustion,
frustration or even resentment.
(16:49):
I have worked with severalclients who feel resentful
toward their partner becausetheir partner is making bad
choices.
They're frustrated that they'remaking these choices.
They send me pictures Look atwhat he's choosing.
Look at what he's choosing,look at what he's doing.
And I have to remind them.
Yes, that's terrible, it's notgood for their health.
(17:13):
I know the issues that they'redealing with, but again, that's
their choice.
That is a grown-ass person whocan run to the grocery store or
the convenience store and getthe junk that they want.
It is not on you, but it doesbecome exhausting.
It does become emotionallyexhausting, it can be
(17:35):
frustrating, it can lead toresentment.
Look at the work that I'm doingon myself and you're over there
like a bump on a log.
It can lead to that resentment.
So, again, remembering mychoices for me, their choices
for them.
And here's a big one If you'reneglecting your own well-being
(17:59):
while you're worrying, obsessing, stressing over someone else's
healing journey, that is a hugelag, a huge warning sign for you
.
And I'll tell you a littlestory about that.
Back when I was going throughmenopause, I started struggling
with anxiety, like really,really crippling anxiety and
(18:22):
depression.
So I sought out a therapist andI started going to see a
therapist and through our monthstogether, what we really
realized the bottom line was Iwas trying to take on my
husband's problems and make themmine, because I was frustrated
(18:48):
and feeling resentment over hischoices and I was feeling
responsible for his choices,resentment over his choices, and
I was feeling responsible forhis choices.
So I started neglecting my ownhealth, my own wellness, my own
journey and took his on.
I tried to take his on, I triedto wish him to wellness.
I was putting all of my energyinto making sure he was okay, to
(19:13):
the point where I wasneglecting myself.
So if you find that you areneglecting your own well-being
while placing all of this energyinto wishing and hoping and
obsessing over someone else,huge, huge, huge red flag.
If you find that you're walkingaway from your good, healthy
(19:33):
food habits, that you're walkingaway from your good, healthy
food habits, if you're walkingaway from your good movement
habits, if you're walking awayfrom your good spiritual habits
in exchange for worrying andobsessing over them, huge red
flag.
So those are some of the signsthat can let you know you're
misplacing your energy.
(19:53):
But what can you do, right?
So now we know what it lookslike if I'm doing it.
But now what?
What do I do now?
Well, there's a few things thatyou can do that'll really,
really help Yourself in thisprocess, because that's what
we're here for.
We're here to talk about you.
If you're listening, it'sbecause you want to know how you
(20:15):
can help yourself right.
So the first thing that you cando and I love this term, it's a
huge coaching term, it'ssomething that we say hold space
, so you can hold space for thatother person instead of pushing
solutions on them.
Have you ever had someone whojust reaches out to you and goes
(20:38):
, oh my gosh, this is the mostamazing thing.
You should read it.
This is the most amazing thing.
You should listen to it.
This is the most amazing thing.
You should cook it.
This is the most amazing.
And it goes on and on and on.
And they really mean well, butthey're pushing.
They're pushing solutions, andwhat holds even more power is
holding space.
(20:58):
So what do I mean by that?
I was working with a client justthe other day and we were
talking about this exact topicand the thing that we came to
was how to hold space.
I would love for you to justkind of close your eyes, if
you're not driving close youreyes and think about a beautiful
space.
You know that could be a field,it could be a meadow, it could
(21:21):
be the beach, it could be.
If you're a sports fan, itcould be an arena.
Whatever it is.
Pick a beautiful space where youcan place that person in your
mind.
You're placing them in abeautiful space, a beautiful
space where they can be 100%themselves, a beautiful space
(21:45):
where they can hold their ownhealing journey while you're
looking in from the outside.
I don't want you to be in thatspace with them, but I want you
to be looking into that in fromthe outside.
I don't want you to be in thatspace with them, but I want you
to be looking into that spacefrom the outside.
This is what holding space isCreating a place inside of your
mind where they can existbeautifully, 100% themselves.
(22:08):
No expectations on your end, noobsession, no worrying, because
they're in a beautiful, safespace where they can be 100%
themselves, where they can 100%make their choices for
themselves, where they can existinside your heart, inside your
(22:34):
mind, but safely.
The other thing that you can dowhen you're holding space for
someone is to practice presence,and we went over this in
episode six of the podcast, sogo back and listen if you're
curious about practicingpresence.
But when you hold space forsomeone and you're present with
(22:58):
them where they are, that is sopowerful.
They recognize on asubconscious level that you are
safe, that you're not going toforce them to do things that
they don't want to do, to dothings that they're not ready to
(23:18):
do.
Practicing presence speaksdirectly to their subconscious,
directly to that part of thebrain that's always on alert for
danger.
It speaks directly to theirsurvival brain.
The power of presence.
That's the power of presence.
(23:39):
So hold space for people in yourlife.
Hold space for the people inyour life who desperately need
it.
Right, because you're on theoutside.
You can see the choices thatthey're making.
You can see that the thingsthat they're doing are leading
down a path that is not good.
You can clearly see it, butdon't push solutions on them.
(24:02):
Hold space, because they haveto make their choices and you
get to make your choices.
This is your choice.
This is your choice to holdspace.
This is your choice to bepresent.
This is your choice to listenand accept and place them in
(24:29):
that space in your brain.
That's safe and you can seethat they're safe.
You can see that they are safe,that they are okay, even with
the choices that they're making.
Another thing that you can do isencourage them.
Encourage, not enforce.
We want to support peoplewithout smothering them.
We want to be there for them.
We want to say things like thatwas great.
(24:51):
Look what you just did.
Wow.
Instead of choosing fried fish,you chose baked fish.
That's great.
Encouragement, not enforcement.
Well, no, I'm not going to cookfried fish for you anymore,
because it's bad for you.
We're only having baked fishfrom now on.
That's enforcement.
Wow.
(25:11):
I'm so proud of you for goingto the fast food place and
getting grilled chicken insteadof fried chicken.
That's awesome.
I'm proud of you.
Encouragement over enforcement.
Offer words of building upinstead of words of breaking
down, because our wordsabsolutely matter.
(25:34):
Use your words to build peopleup instead of breaking them down
.
And again, I know we've alreadysaid this, but it can be really
hard.
It can be really hard whenwe're talking about the people
that we love, because we areemotionally involved.
We are emotionally involvedbecause that part of our brain
needs to survive and we're notsure if we can survive without
(25:58):
them, right?
So we're going to do everythingwe can to make sure that
they're well.
Another thing that you can dothat is so, so, so helpful is
setting up a healthy boundaryfor yourself.
Boundaries protect you and them.
Boundaries protect your energyand their energy, so you can
protect yourself while stillcaring deeply for the other
(26:21):
person.
Healthy boundaries are soimportant in really every area
of life, but this is a reallybig one, especially for the
people who do obsess, who doworry about the health and
wellbeing of their partners, oftheir family members, of their
friends, of their coworkers.
I mean, some people are sodeeply feeling that they care
(26:43):
about the stranger on the streetthat way, so a healthy boundary
is so important.
So a healthy boundary is soimportant.
How do you set healthyboundaries?
That is a topic for anotherepisode.
But, going back to holdingspace, you can create boundaries
just like that.
You can create boundariesaround yourself where you say
(27:03):
I'm okay if I worry about thispart of their well-being, I'm
not okay if I worry about thatpart of their wellbeing.
Boundaries are personal.
Boundaries are very, verypersonal.
What works for me may not workfor you.
What works for your neighbormay not work for your coworker.
Boundaries are so important,especially when we're talking
(27:27):
about this type of energy, thistype of worrying energy, this
type of obsessing energy.
These are negative energiesthat will drag you down, get
stuck in your body and createsymptoms and eventually morph
into disease if you're notcareful.
So we want to make sure we'resetting those healthy boundaries
around our energy, around ourthoughts, around our actions
(27:51):
when it comes to the health andwell-being of those that we love
.
Another beautiful tool that youcan use for yourself, because
we're talking about you, we'renot talking about them.
They are grown-ass people whocan make their own choices, but
we can redirect our focus when Isee that I'm starting to worry
(28:12):
or obsess.
I can redirect my energy backinto my own healing journey,
back into my own personal growth.
So some of you listening mightreally consider yourself a fixer
.
Like I fix things, I helppeople be well, I do it, but
remembering we can't forceanyone to do anything that
(28:38):
they're not willing to do.
Right?
I cannot obsess over someoneelse's health.
Their choices are theirs, mychoices are mine.
How can you go from being afixer to being a supporter?
Like we were talking about thatsupportive energy, right, that
encouragement, holding space.
How can you go from being afixer to being a supporter?
Well, the first thing is torelease the guilt of not being
(29:01):
able to heal someone else.
I want to say that againRelease the guilt of not being
able to heal someone else.
A lot of the people that I talkto are healers.
We're healers.
We want people to be well.
(29:22):
That's what I do as a coach.
I want people to be well.
That's what I do as anaromatherapist I want people to
be well.
I'm a healer at heart, and whenI can't force someone to heal,
when I can't force someone to bewell, there can be guilt in
that.
There can be some guilt there.
So, releasing that guilt,letting it go, when you see that
(29:47):
the person you love is stillchoosing to be unwell, when you
find yourself worrying, when youfind yourself obsessing, when
you find yourself frustrated orresentful, the best thing that
you can do is stop Right there.
Wherever it is that you'restarting to feel those feelings,
(30:08):
stop, take a step back, moveout of that space.
Take a step back, take a deepbreath and remember what's mine
(30:32):
is mine and what's theirs istheirs.
If you feel like you've beenpouring your energy into
everything and everyone, yet youstill feel unfulfilled,
exhausted and stuck, you're notalone.
So many people spend theirenergy in ways that do not serve
and they don't even realize it.
That's why I created the freeguide Five Ways to Stop
(30:53):
Misplacing your Energy, and thisis for women who desire to
learn to love others well, whilemaintaining a healthy boundary
around their energy.
In this guide, I offer you fiveways that you can shift from
misplacing your energy toplacing it where it's actually
(31:14):
going to do good.
Your energy is precious, soit's time to stop misplacing it
on things that do not serve youand start using it to create
peace, joy and fulfillment inyour life.
I'm going to place a link intothe show notes where you can
download it today.
You do not have to stay stuckin exhaustion.
(31:35):
You can shift your energy inthe right direction, starting
today.
Thank you so much for tuninginto this episode of the Lemon
Balm Coaching Podcast.
If this message resonated withyou, I just ask that you
subscribe to the podcast, sharethe podcast and take care of you
and your energy.
(31:57):
Remember what's yours is yoursand what's theirs is theirs.
Also, remember that you weredesigned with special gifts and
talents to bring to this world.
You are not a mistake.
You were not born in the wrongcentury.
The world needs you, the true,authentic healing you right here
(32:19):
and right now.
Thanks so much for spending alittle time with me today on the
Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast.
I hope you're walking away withsomething that sparks joy, hope
or a fresh perspective for yourjourney.
If you loved today's episode,let's keep the conversation
going.
You can find more inspiration,coaching tips and resources over
(32:40):
at my website,lemonbalmcoachingcom.
Don't forget to follow me onsocial media for encouragement
and updates, and you'll find meon Instagram and Facebook at
Lemon Balm Coaching.
And hey, if you're looking fora supportive, uplifting
community of amazing women justlike you, come join us in the
Reignite your Flame Facebookgroup.
It's a safe, welcoming spacewhere we share, grow and cheer
(33:01):
each other on, and you can findthe link on my website or just
search for Reignite your Flameon Facebook.
Remember, honey, just beyourself.
The world needs what only youhave to offer.
Take care and I'll see you inthe next episode.
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