Why Your Nervous System Needs a Village

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What does it mean to truly support another human being? Not with empty phrases like "thoughts and prayers" or "reach out if you need anything," but with genuine, grounded presence that acknowledges our shared humanity.

This episode dives deep into the three fundamental needs hardwired into our nervous systems: love, safety, and belonging. These aren't optional luxuries—they're neurological imperatives for survival. When any one of these needs goes unmet, our brains panic as if our very lives are threatened. Many of us carry these deficits from childhood into adulthood, constantly searching for what we missed in relationships, communities, or even addictions.

The foundation for meeting these needs traditionally begins in family, but family takes many forms. Sometimes it's grandparents raising children, chosen family stepping up, or mentors filling crucial gaps. True support isn't about judgment or taking over—it's about asking "How can I help you today?" and then actually showing up. It might look like holding a baby so a mother can shower, respecting your adult children's parenting choices, or simply sitting in silence with someone who's struggling.

But, you know what? You can't effectively support others if you're dysregulated yourself. Your own healing journey must come first. By learning to regulate our emotions and nervous systems, we not only model wholeness for the next generation but create capacity for authentic connection in a world that desperately needs it.

Ready to break cycles and create ripples of positive change? Join our community of women walking the path toward greater peace, compassion, and wholeness. Connect with me on Instagram @LemonBalmCoaching or in our free Facebook community "Reignite Your Flame" where soul-tired women gather to find support, inspiration, and practical tools for their journey.

It’s time to rediscover YOU. Join the Reignite Your Flame Facebook group—a supportive community where women like you find peace, joy, and purpose. Together, we’ll nurture your mind, body, and spirit so you can shine again.  Don’t wait to start your journey back to yourself. 
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Music by Adipsia

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hey friend, welcome back to the Lemon Balm Coaching
Podcast.
Today we're diving into a topicthat I believe could change the
way we show up for one another.
Support, not just lip serviceor thoughts and prayers.
Support, but real, grounded,life-giving presence.
As women, moms, grandmas,aunties, friends we all play a

(00:26):
role in shaping how the nextgeneration experiences the three
things that every single one ofus was designed to need.
Without those three things, oursurvival brain panics.
With them, we thrive.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast.
I'm Melissa, your coach,cheerleader and maybe even a

(00:47):
little bit like that mom whoalways has a warm hug and the
best advice waiting for you.
If you're a woman over 40feeling like life's left you a
little lost, aimless ordownright stuck, you're in the
right place.
This is where your joy, yourfreedom and your purpose come
back into focus.
So grab a cup of something warm, settle in and let's start

(01:07):
creating the next most beautifulchapter of your life together.
Hey friends, welcome back tothe show.
If you are new here, hello, I'mMelissa.
I am so glad that you're tuningin today.
If you've been around for awhile, you know a couple of
things about me.
Number one I'm a realist.

(01:31):
A lot of people think the glassis half empty or the glass is
half full.
I look at it and say what'sinside.
I'm pragmatic, I call things asthey are, and I may not be an
overly emotional person, but Iam deeply compassionate.
And today we're talking aboutsomething that sits at the core
of who I am and what I believethe world needs more of right
now, which is support.

(01:51):
I am a mom of four.
My oldest is in his forties, myyoungest is in his thirties.
I am a me-ma to five grandkidsmy oldest one is getting ready
to start driving and my youngestone is just entering school.
And I've walked along my kidsthrough all kinds of seasons

(02:13):
Kids, no kids, infertility,choosing not to have children.
I've always believed that myrole is not to pressure,
manipulate, hover or guilt them,but to support them.
You I'm sure have heard thephrase it takes a village to
raise a child.
Now, that doesn't mean swoopingin and parenting everybody

(02:35):
else's kids.
What I think it means iscreating a web of support so
families don't have to do italone.
But what does support look like?
Support can look like sayinghow can I help you?
Today, a lot of people sayreach out if you need something,
but I don't know how manypeople actually say how can I

(02:57):
show up for you today?
So that's the first thing.
Support looks like asking theright question how can I help
you today?
Support can also look likeholding the baby so mama can
take a shower or eat in peace.
Support also looks likerespecting your adult children's
choices instead of underminingthem with grandparent privileges

(03:22):
.
I remember when my oldest sonand his wife were planning on
having their first child.
People would come to me and say, oh, aren't you just looking
forward to spoiling them?
And I would reply with no, I'mlooking forward to supporting my
children and how they're goingto raise their children.
So you might be listening tothis episode as a grandmother

(03:46):
like me.
You might be listening to thisepisode as a mom with older kids
who maybe don't have their ownkids yet, or you might be the
awesome auntie who never hadchildren of her own.
You might be listening to thisepisode as a younger woman and
wanting children.
Regardless of where you are,regardless of which stage you

(04:07):
are at, regardless of what kindof woman you are, I want you to
think about the ones in yourlife who are younger than you,
the ones that we view aschildren, right, the ones that
are younger than you, because,in my opinion, support isn't
just for moms with babies.
Support isn't just for momswith babies.
It is about all of us, becauseevery single one of us child,

(04:35):
parent, grandparent, greatgrandparent we're designed with
the three same basic survivalneeds.
So this is the part I want youto lean into today.
This is the part that makes allthe difference.
The three needs that we have.
We need love, we need safety,we need belonging.
Neurologically, these are notnice to haves.
They are wired into your brainfor survival.

(05:00):
When one of them is missing,your nervous system panics as if
you are literally going to die.
In a perfect world, a baby feelsall three.
The moment that they're born,the moment that they're laid
into their mother's arms, love,safety and belonging exist Then

(05:21):
dad, siblings, grandparents,aunts, uncles, friends,
community.
The family was designed as thefoundation where these three
basic needs are met.
But I know that you know andall we have to do is look around
at the world around us that noteveryone got that.

(05:41):
Not everyone felt love, safetyand belonging in their family of
origin.
Many people didn't.
And those that do not get thosethree basic needs met, grow into
adults who are still hustlingfor love and safety and

(06:02):
belonging in all kinds of places.
They look for it inrelationships, addictions,
fandoms, political parties,because our brains will find a
way to fill that void.
We will find it somewhere If wedo not have love, safety and

(06:24):
belonging, if we do not havelove, safety and belonging, our
brains will look for it anywherethey can find it.
And this is why support mattersso deeply, because family isn't
always mom and dad and 2.5 kids, right.
Sometimes it's a grandma that'sraising the babies.
Sometimes it's a chosen family,sometimes it's foster families,

(06:48):
sometimes it's you, an aunt, aneighbor or a mentor that's
stepping in to fill that void.
When we as a society fail tosupport families, we're leaving
the moms, the dads, thegrandparents, the foster parents
isolated and overwhelmed.
When we shame women instead ofasking how can I help, we're

(07:13):
starving the next generation oftheir three needs of love,
safety and belonging.
But when we step in withhumility and compassion, with
humility and compassion, itcreates ripple effects, positive
ripple effects, ripple effectsof love, safety and belonging.

(07:36):
It's easy to sit on thesidelines and judge parents
right.
How many of you have done thisbefore you became a parent.
I'd never let my kid do that.
I'll never treat my child thatway.
But the truth is none of usknow what we're going to do
until we are in the thick of it,until we are stressed out to
the max.
But real, true support is notjudgment, it is presence.
Now I want to get spicy forjust a second.

(08:00):
How do we teach our children tobe okay?
How do we show them and letthem experience that love,
safety and belonging?
The only way to do that is foryou to be okay yourself.
If you do not know how toregulate yourself, your emotions
, your triggers, your stress,you will have a hard time

(08:23):
supporting others.
You might think you'resupporting them by showing up to
help, but if you are stressedout while you're helping, you're
not helping.
As parents, we're meant tomodel regulation for our kids,
but if you never learned how toregulate yourself, you are going

(08:44):
to perpetuate that cycle.
Even if you show up with a goodheart to support someone who
needs help, if you're showing updysregulated and stressed out,
you are continuing the cycleSupport knowing how to support

(09:04):
someone else.
The cycle Support knowing howto support someone else starts
with supporting yourself.
We have to learn how to regulateour own central nervous systems
.
We need to learn how to breathedeeply, pause, choose
differently and we need to showthe next generation what
wholeness looks like.
And what wholeness looks like.

(09:31):
I'm not saying we have toarrive.
We just have to be in theprocess of healing, because
right now we are in a culturalmoment where people are starving
for love, safety and belonging.
All you have to do is turn onthe news, open up your social
feeds to see the outcome ofpeople who are starving for love

(09:57):
, safety and belonging.
The world feels off right now.
The energy has shifted andeveryone is feeling it, and if
we don't step into our ownhealing journey, we will
continue spiraling in hate andvitriol, venom and disconnection
.

(10:18):
So here's my invitation for youTake a deep breath today and
look around and ask the questionhow can I support the people in
my life today?
And ask the question how can Isupport the people in my life
today?
Maybe even go and ask them howcan I support you today?
Support doesn't have to bedramatic.

(10:38):
We don't have to dropeverything and run to someone's
rescue.
It could be a simple offer likehey, could I hold the baby for
a little bit so you can take abreath.
Hey, would you like me to comeover and watch the kids for a
while?
Would you like to go grab a cupof coffee?
Maybe you need to offer a wordof encouragement to someone.
Or, oh my gosh, and this is sopowerful, you guys.
Maybe support is just sittingin the mess with someone and not

(11:05):
saying a word, and for you getcurious about where you are
trying to meet your needs forlove, safety and belonging.
Are you building them inhealthy, life-giving ways, or
are you hustling for scrapssomewhere else?
You do not have to do thisalone, my friend.

(11:28):
This episode is all aboutsupport, and if you need support
in your own healing journey,whether you're a mom, a grandma,
an auntie or a woman trying tohold it all together, I am here
to walk with you.
You can reach out to me throughthe show notes or even come
join my private Facebookcommunity.

(11:49):
I have a dream where our worldis full of people walking around
on their healing journey,people who don't give into
triggers, people who don't liveinside of their victimhood and
their hate, but who live outpeace, compassion and wholeness,

(12:11):
and that starts with supportingyou.
So until next time, in thewords of Truman from the Truman
Show.
Good afternoon, good eveningand good night.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
I am truly honored that you'vespent this time with me and I

(12:31):
hope you're walking away withsomething that brings you a
little more peace, clarity andhope.
If you want to keep theconversation going, you can
connect with me over onInstagram at Lemon Balm Coaching
, or join our free Facebookcommunity.
Reignite your Flame.
It's where soul-tired womengather to find support,
inspiration and real tools fortheir journey.
You'll also find information atlemonbalmcoachingcom.

(12:53):
If you enjoyed this episode, goahead and follow the podcast,
leave a quick review and shareit with a friend who needs to
hear the message.
Every follow, review and sharehelps more women discover that
they were designed to thrive.
Until next time, keep breathing, keep leaning into what matters
and keep choosing peace.