January 15, 2025 • 21 mins
What if your family could be defined not just by blood, but by the connections you choose to nurture? On the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast, we explore the idea of family as a dynamic and evolving tapestry, particularly for women over 40 who may feel life's transitions keenly. Sharing my personal journey with both biological and adopted children, I illuminate how brain chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin fundamentally shape our emotional ties. Let's consider how children select role models and the transformative power of self-discovery to redefine family bonds at any point in life.
When the nest empties and the echoes of our children's laughter fade from our homes, it can feel like part of our identity is slipping away. The challenge, then, is to cultivate intentional connections that anchor us. Drawing on wisdom from my Aunt Kathy, I highlight the vital role of friendships, particularly with other women, in building a resilient support network. Through engaging stories and actionable advice, I encourage you to foster relationships that extend beyond your parental roles, ensuring you have a strong community to navigate life's inevitable changes.
🌟 Ready to Deepen Your Connections? 🌟In a world filled with distractions, building meaningful relationships can feel harder than ever. But it doesn't have to be. I've created 10 Tips for Connection—a simple, practical guide to help you: ✨ Strengthen your relationships, 💬 Communicate with authenticity, 🤝 Build bonds that truly matter. Whether it’s with family, friends, or even yourself, these tips are designed to inspire connection in a way that feels natural and fulfilling. Download your free copy today and start creating the meaningful connections you’ve been craving. Let’s make connection a priority again. 💛
Download your copy HERE
It’s time to rediscover YOU. Join the Reignite Your Flame Facebook group—a supportive community where women like you find peace, joy, and purpose. Together, we’ll nurture your mind, body, and spirit so you can shine again. Don’t wait to start your journey back to yourself.
Join Reignite Your Flame HERE
Are you a woman over 40 who is on the verge of a mental or physical breakdown? Are you ready to invite peace, joy, and excitement into your life again? Download 5 Tips to Feel Joy Again in Under 20-Mintues AND Join the Reignite Your Flame Group on Facebook where women, just like you, come together to support, encourage, and connect.
Music by Adipsia
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Melissa (00:04):
Hello sisters, I have been listening to all of my
clients and my followers, andI've heard you.
Today, I want to be talkingabout the number one thing that
you all are saying you'restruggling with at this stage of
life, and I'm going to tell youhow to fix it.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast, your cozy
(00:25):
corner of the world, where we'llsip on life's lessons and
squeeze the most out of everymoment.
I'm Melissa, your coach,cheerleader and maybe even a
little bit like that mom whoalways has a warm hug and the
best advice waiting for you.
If you're a woman over 40feeling like life's left you a
little lost, aimless ordownright stuck, you're in the
right place.
This is where your joy, yourfreedom and your purpose come
(00:48):
back into focus.
Together, we'll laugh, learnand rediscover what makes you
come alive, because it's not toolate.
This is your time, so grab acup of something warm, settle in
and let's start creating thenext most beautiful chapter of
your life together.
Start creating the next mostbeautiful chapter of your life
together.
(01:09):
When people come to me, theycome to me with this question
about like, what do I do with myempty nest?
I feel empty now that all of mykids are grown and what do I do
with that?
And this is actually a questionthat I keep asking myself, and
I've been asking myself thisquestion for several years, like
what is it that actually makesa family a family?
(01:32):
And I think this is a reallyappropriate question to be
asking these days, because thereare so many different versions
of what a family is, and I thinkyou know, when a lot of people
think of family, they just thinkof a mom, dad and the children
that they bring into the world.
But there's more to it thanthat, and what is it that makes
a family?
What is it that actuallycreates the ties that bind us
(01:56):
together?
It's a good question, aquestion, I think, that's worth
answering, a question, I thinkthat's worth really thinking
about, really pondering, becauseI have four kids and I have
five grandkids, and two of mykids are through adoption and
two of them are by birth, andall of my grandkids come from my
(02:20):
adopted children.
But it's really interestingbecause throughout the years,
we've never really thought aboutthem as being my adopted
children.
At least, I've never thoughtthat and I don't think they have
either, whenever people wouldsee us together as a family when
all the kids were living athome, they would be shocked to
(02:41):
find out that the older two weremy adopted children, because I
treat them no different.
I love them, no different thanthe two that I gave birth to.
So what is it?
What is it that makes thatpossible?
What is it that binds ustogether?
What is it that creates thattie?
And when we're talking aboutcreating these ties, some of it
(03:02):
is choice.
Right, I choose to love them asmuch as I love my birth
children, but a lot of it has todo with our makeup, how we're
designed.
It has to do with our brain andit has to do with chemicals.
The chemicals that I'm talkingabout are dopamine, serotonin
and oxytocin, and all of theseare the really feel good
(03:25):
chemicals that your brainreleases when you're
experiencing positive emotions.
So dopamine is often called thehappy hormone.
It's released when youexperience anything that's
pleasurable.
So it could be good food likechocolate cake, hello or peanut
butter, yes.
Or it could be sex.
(03:47):
Sex releases dopamine when youhave that close intimacy with
another person, or even beingpraised can release dopamine
into your system.
So good experiences release thehappy hormone.
And then there's also serotonin, and this is known as the
feel-good hormone.
This is the one that helpsprevent depression and anxiety,
(04:09):
and releasing serotonin intoyour bloodstream is like an
antidepressant.
So serotonin and dopamine.
And then we also have oxytocin,and oxytocin is known as the
love hormone.
When you give birth to a child,your brain floods your body with
oxytocin so that you will bondwith that child.
(04:33):
It is how we are designed.
It is for survival.
We have to bond with the childthat we birth, because that
child can't survive without us,with the child that we birth,
because that child can't survivewithout us.
So it's important to have allof these chemicals released into
your body and that is whatcreates those bonds.
It's those chemicals beingreleased into your body creating
(04:56):
those bonds.
So, whether your child is afoster child or an adopted child
or a child by birth, all thosehormones have a really big part
to play, and that's a huge partof what ties us together, what
creates those bonds.
Because I have friends that Ilook at as family members and I
(05:18):
treat them as family members.
They're like family to me.
And how is that possible unlessthere's something that happens
more than just giving birth?
I don't think giving birth iswhat creates family, because how
many women give up theirchildren for adoption?
How many women neglect theirchildren?
(05:38):
I mean, there's a lot thatcreates a family and it's more
than just birth, it's choice andit's also those chemicals being
released into your bloodstream.
One of the things that I told mykids when they were younger is
that they get to choose.
One of their biggest jobs askids is to watch the adults
(06:00):
around them and choose who theywant to emulate when they grow
up.
I told them you know, you mightsee something in me that you
can't stand and you think toyourself I don't want to do that
when I grow up.
Or you might see something inyour dad that you're like yes,
that's what I want to do when Igrow up.
That's one of the biggest jobsthat kids have is to watch the
(06:21):
adults around them and decidelike who do I want to be when I
grow up?
But even as an adult, you getto choose.
I was working with a clientseveral weeks ago and she
doesn't have that great of arelationship with her mother,
like so many of us don't.
The mother wound is very, veryreal.
Not everyone has a perfect,beautiful relationship with
(06:45):
their mother and being able tohelp her see and help her
understand that she actually canchoose who she allows to speak
into her life.
That was really huge for her tomake that realization.
And I think in the church we'retold honor your father and your
mother.
And I think we get that.
(07:05):
There's different ways to honor.
We'll just say it that way.
There's different ways to honorand honor doesn't always equal
full access.
You don't get to have fullaccess to me just because you
gave birth to me.
These are really really heavyconcepts that I work on with a
lot of my clients, but I justwant you to hear this right now
(07:26):
you get to choose.
Even as an adult, you get tolook at the other adults around
you and go.
I don't want to be like that,or, yeah, I want to be like that
.
You actually get to choose.
You get to choose how youexperience this life.
So just hear that you get tochoose who you allow to mother
you.
So I'm 55 right now and I stillneed a mom.
(07:48):
I still need someone to motherme.
I still need someone to go to,to talk to, to ask questions to,
and I get to choose that.
My mom's since passed away, buteven if she was still here, I
don't always have to listen toevery single thing that she says
and take it on as gospel truth.
In my life, I get to seek outthe people that I want to speak
(08:10):
into my life, so you get tochoose too.
Okay, so we talked aboutdopamine, serotonin and oxytocin
creating those bonds right,helping us to create that family
feeling.
So what is it then?
What is it that makes the nestfeel so empty For some of us
when our kids leave home, itreally is heart-wrenching.
I have several clients rightnow that are feeling that
(08:36):
emptiness at home.
Whether all their kids arealready gone or if the emptiness
is looming ahead, they'refeeling it.
They're feeling the emptinessinside depression, and they just
don't even know what to do withthemselves anymore.
So what is it that makes ournest feel so empty?
Well, one of the big thingsthat all of those chemicals do
(08:59):
the oxytocin, the dopamine andthe serotonin.
One of the things that thosechemicals do is they create that
family feeling, like we alreadytalked about.
What is the family feeling,though?
It is love, safety andbelonging, and you have to have
love, safety and belonging inthis life to survive.
It is how we are designed.
(09:21):
I always think back to cavemenwhen I think about design.
Right, because that's early man, we're just now walking the
earth.
However you believe man gothere is irrelevant to me.
I believe the scriptures andwhat the scriptures say about
how we got here, but it reallydoesn't matter what you believe
about how we got here.
The point is we are designedvery, very simply.
(09:44):
Our brain, the survival part ofour brain, must have love,
safety and belonging.
It must have those three thingsto survive.
So think about cavemen.
They had to have safety.
Safety comes in numbers.
Safety also comes inside thecave.
The moment they step out of thecave they're not safe, right,
(10:06):
they could die at any moment,but inside the cave they had
safety.
They had belonging with othercavemen and the way that they
had that belonging was to loveeach other, to care for each
other, to help each other, tocare for each other, to help
each other, to provide for eachother love, safety and belonging
.
So I always think of cavemenwhen I think about how we are
designed.
We're designed very simply weneed those three things to
(10:30):
survive this life.
Without those three things wewill perish.
So, even though we're living inthis modern age and we're not
in caves anymore, we still needthose three things.
Our brains still need love,safety and belonging to survive,
and if any one of those threethings is stripped away, our
(10:52):
brain thinks that we will die.
Your brain thinks that you willdie if love, safety and
belonging are not present.
So let's think about kidsleaving home.
Think about the decades you'vespent pouring into your kids,
(11:14):
the decades that you have setyourself aside in your own needs
, the decades that you probablyput your husband's needs aside
as well, because the kids needyou.
Right, the kids need you, andthere's nothing wrong with
pouring into our children.
I did the same thing.
I was a stay-at-home mom for 20years and I poured everything I
had into my children.
(11:35):
I took my job as a parent veryseriously.
I wanted to make sure that mykids could survive in the world
without me, so I gave everythingto them, and when they left
home, that love was gone.
Like, who do I love now, if Idon't have my kids to love on,
who do I love?
Yes, I still had my spouse, butit wasn't the same.
(11:59):
It's not the same kind of lovethat we pour into our kids, that
we pour into our spouse or thatwe pour back into ourselves.
So we spend all this time lovingour children, creating that
safety net for them, giving thema space to belong.
Even through the teenage years,when they're intentionally
separating, they know they stillbelong at home, they know they
(12:20):
still have a place to call theirown.
And as our kids start to leave,as they drive away, and we're
standing in the driveway cryingour eyes out and our husbands
are trying to console us, ourhusbands don't understand.
In general, they don't get itbecause they haven't done what
we've done.
We've spent all of our energypouring into those children,
(12:43):
pouring into our kids.
And when they drive away, thatpart of our brain that needs
love, safety and belonging feelsit all being ripped away and it
believes that it will die.
Consciously, we know that's notthe case.
Consciously we know we're notgoing to die just because our
kids drive away, but because ofhow our brain is designed, our
(13:07):
brain believes death is imminent.
Without that love, safety andbelonging that we have spent
decades fostering, it believeswe're going to die and we're
just standing there waving ourkids goodbye.
And we know that they'releaving.
We know that it's good for them, we know it's the natural next
step, but that part of our brainis freaking out.
(13:29):
So that's what makes our nestfeel so empty.
It's that our brain believeswe're going to die without our
kids being at home.
Consciously, we understand it'sthe next step, we've prepared
them for this, but that part ofourselves, that part of our
brain, doesn't understand.
(13:50):
It can't understand because itswhole purpose is to keep us
safe.
Its whole purpose is to keep usalive.
And when love, safety andbelonging are driving away, it
feels like it's going to die.
Of safety and belonging aredriving away, it feels like it's
going to die.
And, like I said, our husbandsdon't really get it.
They can't console us becauseit's not a conscious thought,
it's not a conscious process.
(14:11):
It's all part of that survivalbrain.
It's underneath the surface andmost of the time we don't even
know what's going on.
We just know that we're fallingapart, right?
So how can you fix it?
What can you do to make thatempty nest not feel so empty?
There's a word, it's one word.
I'm going to tell you the oneword it's intention.
The word is intention.
(14:32):
That is how you can make yourempty nest not feel so empty is
with intention.
So, wherever you are on thespectrum of life, whether your
kids are still at home, maybeolder, preparing to leave, go
off to college, go off into theworld, whatever it is that
they're going to do, or yourkids are already gone.
(14:56):
Regardless of what stage you'rein, with intention you can make
this better.
With intention, you can makeyour emptiness not feel so empty
.
But what are you going to beintentional about?
Is it just a thought process?
Are you manifesting something?
What are you doing?
You're connecting.
Through intentional connection,you can help that emptiness not
(15:19):
feel so empty.
You can create love, safety andbelonging elsewhere in your
life.
You can create it with friends.
You can create it with yourspouse Now, if your kids are
still home.
Start now.
Don't wait until your kidsleave to do this.
Start now If they've alreadygone, start now.
It's not too late.
(15:40):
I want to share with yousomething that my Aunt Kathy
said.
I hope everybody in the worldhas an Aunt Kathy, because my
Aunt Kathy is really amazing.
She was an air hostess back inthe 60s and she stayed doing
that throughout her life, allthe way up to retirement.
She chose to not have any kidsbut instead to pour into her
(16:01):
nieces and nephews, which, Imean, we're all just so grateful
for.
Everybody should have an AuntKathy in their lives.
But one of the things that AuntKathy said to me and this was
before I ever got married, itwas before I had kids, way
before my nest was empty, and Idon't even know if she realizes
the impact that this had on me.
But one of the things that shesaid to me was foster your
(16:25):
connections with yourgirlfriends, because men will
come and go, but yourgirlfriends are there for life,
and I mean just science alone.
Men don't live as long as womendo.
So if you are married to a man,more than likely he's gonna
pass away before you and you'regoing to be left again without
(16:48):
love, safety and belonging.
So foster your connection withyour girlfriends, because
girlfriends are there for life.
And I have to tell you I'veseen this for her.
I've seen this in her life.
She is in her 80s right now.
Her husband has passed awayseveral years ago and her
(17:09):
friends sustain her.
Her friends give her that love,safety and belonging.
She has friends that will drivehours and hours and hours to
see her.
She has friends that she goesout with every night of the week
and just enjoys their presence.
Create connections outside ofyour kids, and I know this is
(17:31):
not easy.
I don't know if I could havedone it.
I was so involved in my kids'lives.
I call it my mom bubble.
I was in my mom bubble for over20 years and everything I did
was for my kids.
Start now fostering thoseconnections with your
girlfriends.
Create that love, safety andbelonging outside of your kids,
(17:55):
even if it's just once a month.
Set aside time to get togetherwith your girlfriends.
Set aside time to build thoseconnections, because that is
going to make it.
It's not going to make itperfect, right.
Your kids are still going toleave home.
It's still going to hurt, butyou'll have connection outside
(18:18):
of your relationship with yourkids.
You'll have love, safety andbelonging that is just yours.
Are you ready to deepen yourconnections?
In a world filled withdistractions, building
meaningful relationships canfeel harder than ever, but it
doesn't have to be.
I've created 10 Tips forConnection a simple, practical
guide to help you strengthenyour relationships.
(18:38):
10 Tips for Connection a simple, practical guide to help you
strengthen your relationships,communicate with authenticity
and build bonds that trulymatter, whether it's with your
family, friends or even justyourself.
These tips are designed toinspire connection in a way that
feels natural and fulfilling.
So download your free copytoday and start creating the
(19:00):
meaningful connections thatyou've been craving in your life
.
Maybe you haven't been cravingthem, but they are connections
that you need to create thatlove, safety and belonging in
your life, outside of your mombubble.
So let's make connection apriority again.
So that's it.
Create connections withintention.
(19:22):
So that's it.
Create connections withintention.
Whether your home is still full, you're verging on the empty
nest or your kids have alreadyfallen, being intentional and
creating those connections thattell your brain that you have
love, safety and belonging isthe one thing you can do to
relieve the emptiness causedwhen your kids take their
natural next step out into theworld.
(19:43):
Connect, allow that dopamine,serotonin and oxytocin to flow.
Thanks so much for spending alittle time with me today on the
Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast.
I hope you're walking away withsomething that sparks joy, hope
or a fresh perspective for yourjourney.
If you loved today's episode,let's keep the conversation
(20:08):
going.
You can find more inspiration,coaching tips and resources over
at my website,lemonbalmcoachingcom.
Don't forget to follow me onsocial media for encouragement
and updates, and you'll find meon Instagram and Facebook at
Lemon Balm Coaching.
And hey, if you're looking fora supportive, uplifting
community of amazing women justlike you.
Come join us in the Reigniteyour Flame Facebook group.
It's a safe, welcoming spacewhere we share, grow and cheer
(20:31):
each other on, and you can findthe link on my website or just
search for Reignite your Flameon Facebook.
Remember, honey, just beyourself.
The world needs what only youhave to offer.
Take care and I'll see you inthe next episode.
Hello sisters, I have been listening to all of my
clients and my followers, andI've heard you.
Today, I want to be talkingabout the number one thing that
you all are saying you'restruggling with at this stage of
life, and I'm going to tell youhow to fix it.
Welcome to the Lemon BalmCoaching Podcast, your cozy
(00:25):
corner of the world, where we'llsip on life's lessons and
squeeze the most out of everymoment.
I'm Melissa, your coach,cheerleader and maybe even a
little bit like that mom whoalways has a warm hug and the
best advice waiting for you.
If you're a woman over 40feeling like life's left you a
little lost, aimless ordownright stuck, you're in the
right place.
This is where your joy, yourfreedom and your purpose come
(00:48):
back into focus.
Together, we'll laugh, learnand rediscover what makes you
come alive, because it's not toolate.
This is your time, so grab acup of something warm, settle in
and let's start creating thenext most beautiful chapter of
your life together.
Start creating the next mostbeautiful chapter of your life
together.
(01:09):
When people come to me, theycome to me with this question
about like, what do I do with myempty nest?
I feel empty now that all of mykids are grown and what do I do
with that?
And this is actually a questionthat I keep asking myself, and
I've been asking myself thisquestion for several years, like
what is it that actually makesa family a family?
(01:32):
And I think this is a reallyappropriate question to be
asking these days, because thereare so many different versions
of what a family is, and I thinkyou know, when a lot of people
think of family, they just thinkof a mom, dad and the children
that they bring into the world.
But there's more to it thanthat, and what is it that makes
a family?
What is it that actuallycreates the ties that bind us
(01:56):
together?
It's a good question, aquestion, I think, that's worth
answering, a question, I thinkthat's worth really thinking
about, really pondering, becauseI have four kids and I have
five grandkids, and two of mykids are through adoption and
two of them are by birth, andall of my grandkids come from my
(02:20):
adopted children.
But it's really interestingbecause throughout the years,
we've never really thought aboutthem as being my adopted
children.
At least, I've never thoughtthat and I don't think they have
either, whenever people wouldsee us together as a family when
all the kids were living athome, they would be shocked to
(02:41):
find out that the older two weremy adopted children, because I
treat them no different.
I love them, no different thanthe two that I gave birth to.
So what is it?
What is it that makes thatpossible?
What is it that binds ustogether?
What is it that creates thattie?
And when we're talking aboutcreating these ties, some of it
(03:02):
is choice.
Right, I choose to love them asmuch as I love my birth
children, but a lot of it has todo with our makeup, how we're
designed.
It has to do with our brain andit has to do with chemicals.
The chemicals that I'm talkingabout are dopamine, serotonin
and oxytocin, and all of theseare the really feel good
(03:25):
chemicals that your brainreleases when you're
experiencing positive emotions.
So dopamine is often called thehappy hormone.
It's released when youexperience anything that's
pleasurable.
So it could be good food likechocolate cake, hello or peanut
butter, yes.
Or it could be sex.
(03:47):
Sex releases dopamine when youhave that close intimacy with
another person, or even beingpraised can release dopamine
into your system.
So good experiences release thehappy hormone.
And then there's also serotonin, and this is known as the
feel-good hormone.
This is the one that helpsprevent depression and anxiety,
(04:09):
and releasing serotonin intoyour bloodstream is like an
antidepressant.
So serotonin and dopamine.
And then we also have oxytocin,and oxytocin is known as the
love hormone.
When you give birth to a child,your brain floods your body with
oxytocin so that you will bondwith that child.
(04:33):
It is how we are designed.
It is for survival.
We have to bond with the childthat we birth, because that
child can't survive without us,with the child that we birth,
because that child can't survivewithout us.
So it's important to have allof these chemicals released into
your body and that is whatcreates those bonds.
It's those chemicals beingreleased into your body creating
(04:56):
those bonds.
So, whether your child is afoster child or an adopted child
or a child by birth, all thosehormones have a really big part
to play, and that's a huge partof what ties us together, what
creates those bonds.
Because I have friends that Ilook at as family members and I
(05:18):
treat them as family members.
They're like family to me.
And how is that possible unlessthere's something that happens
more than just giving birth?
I don't think giving birth iswhat creates family, because how
many women give up theirchildren for adoption?
How many women neglect theirchildren?
(05:38):
I mean, there's a lot thatcreates a family and it's more
than just birth, it's choice andit's also those chemicals being
released into your bloodstream.
One of the things that I told mykids when they were younger is
that they get to choose.
One of their biggest jobs askids is to watch the adults
(06:00):
around them and choose who theywant to emulate when they grow
up.
I told them you know, you mightsee something in me that you
can't stand and you think toyourself I don't want to do that
when I grow up.
Or you might see something inyour dad that you're like yes,
that's what I want to do when Igrow up.
That's one of the biggest jobsthat kids have is to watch the
(06:21):
adults around them and decidelike who do I want to be when I
grow up?
But even as an adult, you getto choose.
I was working with a clientseveral weeks ago and she
doesn't have that great of arelationship with her mother,
like so many of us don't.
The mother wound is very, veryreal.
Not everyone has a perfect,beautiful relationship with
(06:45):
their mother and being able tohelp her see and help her
understand that she actually canchoose who she allows to speak
into her life.
That was really huge for her tomake that realization.
And I think in the church we'retold honor your father and your
mother.
And I think we get that.
(07:05):
There's different ways to honor.
We'll just say it that way.
There's different ways to honorand honor doesn't always equal
full access.
You don't get to have fullaccess to me just because you
gave birth to me.
These are really really heavyconcepts that I work on with a
lot of my clients, but I justwant you to hear this right now
(07:26):
you get to choose.
Even as an adult, you get tolook at the other adults around
you and go.
I don't want to be like that,or, yeah, I want to be like that
.
You actually get to choose.
You get to choose how youexperience this life.
So just hear that you get tochoose who you allow to mother
you.
So I'm 55 right now and I stillneed a mom.
(07:48):
I still need someone to motherme.
I still need someone to go to,to talk to, to ask questions to,
and I get to choose that.
My mom's since passed away, buteven if she was still here, I
don't always have to listen toevery single thing that she says
and take it on as gospel truth.
In my life, I get to seek outthe people that I want to speak
(08:10):
into my life, so you get tochoose too.
Okay, so we talked aboutdopamine, serotonin and oxytocin
creating those bonds right,helping us to create that family
feeling.
So what is it then?
What is it that makes the nestfeel so empty For some of us
when our kids leave home, itreally is heart-wrenching.
I have several clients rightnow that are feeling that
(08:36):
emptiness at home.
Whether all their kids arealready gone or if the emptiness
is looming ahead, they'refeeling it.
They're feeling the emptinessinside depression, and they just
don't even know what to do withthemselves anymore.
So what is it that makes ournest feel so empty?
Well, one of the big thingsthat all of those chemicals do
(08:59):
the oxytocin, the dopamine andthe serotonin.
One of the things that thosechemicals do is they create that
family feeling, like we alreadytalked about.
What is the family feeling,though?
It is love, safety andbelonging, and you have to have
love, safety and belonging inthis life to survive.
It is how we are designed.
(09:21):
I always think back to cavemenwhen I think about design.
Right, because that's early man, we're just now walking the
earth.
However you believe man gothere is irrelevant to me.
I believe the scriptures andwhat the scriptures say about
how we got here, but it reallydoesn't matter what you believe
about how we got here.
The point is we are designedvery, very simply.
(09:44):
Our brain, the survival part ofour brain, must have love,
safety and belonging.
It must have those three thingsto survive.
So think about cavemen.
They had to have safety.
Safety comes in numbers.
Safety also comes inside thecave.
The moment they step out of thecave they're not safe, right,
(10:06):
they could die at any moment,but inside the cave they had
safety.
They had belonging with othercavemen and the way that they
had that belonging was to loveeach other, to care for each
other, to help each other, tocare for each other, to help
each other, to provide for eachother love, safety and belonging
.
So I always think of cavemenwhen I think about how we are
designed.
We're designed very simply weneed those three things to
(10:30):
survive this life.
Without those three things wewill perish.
So, even though we're living inthis modern age and we're not
in caves anymore, we still needthose three things.
Our brains still need love,safety and belonging to survive,
and if any one of those threethings is stripped away, our
(10:52):
brain thinks that we will die.
Your brain thinks that you willdie if love, safety and
belonging are not present.
So let's think about kidsleaving home.
Think about the decades you'vespent pouring into your kids,
(11:14):
the decades that you have setyourself aside in your own needs
, the decades that you probablyput your husband's needs aside
as well, because the kids needyou.
Right, the kids need you, andthere's nothing wrong with
pouring into our children.
I did the same thing.
I was a stay-at-home mom for 20years and I poured everything I
had into my children.
(11:35):
I took my job as a parent veryseriously.
I wanted to make sure that mykids could survive in the world
without me, so I gave everythingto them, and when they left
home, that love was gone.
Like, who do I love now, if Idon't have my kids to love on,
who do I love?
Yes, I still had my spouse, butit wasn't the same.
(11:59):
It's not the same kind of lovethat we pour into our kids, that
we pour into our spouse or thatwe pour back into ourselves.
So we spend all this time lovingour children, creating that
safety net for them, giving thema space to belong.
Even through the teenage years,when they're intentionally
separating, they know they stillbelong at home, they know they
(12:20):
still have a place to call theirown.
And as our kids start to leave,as they drive away, and we're
standing in the driveway cryingour eyes out and our husbands
are trying to console us, ourhusbands don't understand.
In general, they don't get itbecause they haven't done what
we've done.
We've spent all of our energypouring into those children,
(12:43):
pouring into our kids.
And when they drive away, thatpart of our brain that needs
love, safety and belonging feelsit all being ripped away and it
believes that it will die.
Consciously, we know that's notthe case.
Consciously we know we're notgoing to die just because our
kids drive away, but because ofhow our brain is designed, our
(13:07):
brain believes death is imminent.
Without that love, safety andbelonging that we have spent
decades fostering, it believeswe're going to die and we're
just standing there waving ourkids goodbye.
And we know that they'releaving.
We know that it's good for them, we know it's the natural next
step, but that part of our brainis freaking out.
(13:29):
So that's what makes our nestfeel so empty.
It's that our brain believeswe're going to die without our
kids being at home.
Consciously, we understand it'sthe next step, we've prepared
them for this, but that part ofourselves, that part of our
brain, doesn't understand.
(13:50):
It can't understand because itswhole purpose is to keep us
safe.
Its whole purpose is to keep usalive.
And when love, safety andbelonging are driving away, it
feels like it's going to die.
Of safety and belonging aredriving away, it feels like it's
going to die.
And, like I said, our husbandsdon't really get it.
They can't console us becauseit's not a conscious thought,
it's not a conscious process.
(14:11):
It's all part of that survivalbrain.
It's underneath the surface andmost of the time we don't even
know what's going on.
We just know that we're fallingapart, right?
So how can you fix it?
What can you do to make thatempty nest not feel so empty?
There's a word, it's one word.
I'm going to tell you the oneword it's intention.
The word is intention.
(14:32):
That is how you can make yourempty nest not feel so empty is
with intention.
So, wherever you are on thespectrum of life, whether your
kids are still at home, maybeolder, preparing to leave, go
off to college, go off into theworld, whatever it is that
they're going to do, or yourkids are already gone.
(14:56):
Regardless of what stage you'rein, with intention you can make
this better.
With intention, you can makeyour emptiness not feel so empty
.
But what are you going to beintentional about?
Is it just a thought process?
Are you manifesting something?
What are you doing?
You're connecting.
Through intentional connection,you can help that emptiness not
(15:19):
feel so empty.
You can create love, safety andbelonging elsewhere in your
life.
You can create it with friends.
You can create it with yourspouse Now, if your kids are
still home.
Start now.
Don't wait until your kidsleave to do this.
Start now If they've alreadygone, start now.
It's not too late.
(15:40):
I want to share with yousomething that my Aunt Kathy
said.
I hope everybody in the worldhas an Aunt Kathy, because my
Aunt Kathy is really amazing.
She was an air hostess back inthe 60s and she stayed doing
that throughout her life, allthe way up to retirement.
She chose to not have any kidsbut instead to pour into her
(16:01):
nieces and nephews, which, Imean, we're all just so grateful
for.
Everybody should have an AuntKathy in their lives.
But one of the things that AuntKathy said to me and this was
before I ever got married, itwas before I had kids, way
before my nest was empty, and Idon't even know if she realizes
the impact that this had on me.
But one of the things that shesaid to me was foster your
(16:25):
connections with yourgirlfriends, because men will
come and go, but yourgirlfriends are there for life,
and I mean just science alone.
Men don't live as long as womendo.
So if you are married to a man,more than likely he's gonna
pass away before you and you'regoing to be left again without
(16:48):
love, safety and belonging.
So foster your connection withyour girlfriends, because
girlfriends are there for life.
And I have to tell you I'veseen this for her.
I've seen this in her life.
She is in her 80s right now.
Her husband has passed awayseveral years ago and her
(17:09):
friends sustain her.
Her friends give her that love,safety and belonging.
She has friends that will drivehours and hours and hours to
see her.
She has friends that she goesout with every night of the week
and just enjoys their presence.
Create connections outside ofyour kids, and I know this is
(17:31):
not easy.
I don't know if I could havedone it.
I was so involved in my kids'lives.
I call it my mom bubble.
I was in my mom bubble for over20 years and everything I did
was for my kids.
Start now fostering thoseconnections with your
girlfriends.
Create that love, safety andbelonging outside of your kids,
(17:55):
even if it's just once a month.
Set aside time to get togetherwith your girlfriends.
Set aside time to build thoseconnections, because that is
going to make it.
It's not going to make itperfect, right.
Your kids are still going toleave home.
It's still going to hurt, butyou'll have connection outside
(18:18):
of your relationship with yourkids.
You'll have love, safety andbelonging that is just yours.
Are you ready to deepen yourconnections?
In a world filled withdistractions, building
meaningful relationships canfeel harder than ever, but it
doesn't have to be.
I've created 10 Tips forConnection a simple, practical
guide to help you strengthenyour relationships.
(18:38):
10 Tips for Connection a simple, practical guide to help you
strengthen your relationships,communicate with authenticity
and build bonds that trulymatter, whether it's with your
family, friends or even justyourself.
These tips are designed toinspire connection in a way that
feels natural and fulfilling.
So download your free copytoday and start creating the
(19:00):
meaningful connections thatyou've been craving in your life
.
Maybe you haven't been cravingthem, but they are connections
that you need to create thatlove, safety and belonging in
your life, outside of your mombubble.
So let's make connection apriority again.
So that's it.
Create connections withintention.
(19:22):
So that's it.
Create connections withintention.
Whether your home is still full, you're verging on the empty
nest or your kids have alreadyfallen, being intentional and
creating those connections thattell your brain that you have
love, safety and belonging isthe one thing you can do to
relieve the emptiness causedwhen your kids take their
natural next step out into theworld.
(19:43):
Connect, allow that dopamine,serotonin and oxytocin to flow.
Thanks so much for spending alittle time with me today on the
Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast.
I hope you're walking away withsomething that sparks joy, hope
or a fresh perspective for yourjourney.
If you loved today's episode,let's keep the conversation
(20:08):
going.
You can find more inspiration,coaching tips and resources over
at my website,lemonbalmcoachingcom.
Don't forget to follow me onsocial media for encouragement
and updates, and you'll find meon Instagram and Facebook at
Lemon Balm Coaching.
And hey, if you're looking fora supportive, uplifting
community of amazing women justlike you.
Come join us in the Reigniteyour Flame Facebook group.
It's a safe, welcoming spacewhere we share, grow and cheer
(20:31):
each other on, and you can findthe link on my website or just
search for Reignite your Flameon Facebook.
Remember, honey, just beyourself.
The world needs what only youhave to offer.
Take care and I'll see you inthe next episode.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!