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August 10, 2025 17 mins
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(00:20):
You are listening to Lessons inthe Debris, the podcast where we
unpack the wreckage of dating,heartbreak, and healing one
story at a time.
Welcome back.
I'm Danielle Lee, and this isthe filtered photo fiasco, also
known as the moment I realized Imight be the only one still

(00:42):
using a current photo from thisdecade that hasn't been
photoshopped.
This episode is aboutexpectations, disappointment,
and leaning, and learning totrust your gut.
Even when it's Whispering Girlrun before the appetizer hits
the table.

(01:03):
So let's start at the beginning.
The first combo story I have,the classic catfish is one where
I met someone using amatchmaking service.
Where I was told, oh, he ishandsome and you guys have a lot
in common.
So there was not a profile thatI was able to see or texting

(01:26):
prior to the date.
It was show up and let's see howthis goes.
We met at a tiny little hole inthe wall, a jazz bar in a
downtown area that was known forthe romantic and speakeasy type
vibe.
He arrived before me and I wastold he would be wearing a red
shirt.

(01:46):
Well, that much was true.
He had on a long sleeve,buttoned down red shirt,
starched and all.
But beyond that, nothing waswhat I had requested, inquired
about, or said were important tome and someone as a partner.
So what now?
I sat at the high top with himand we began chatting and keep

(02:07):
in mind, I can talk to anyonefor hours.
Ask my kindergarten teacher, myfamily, my friends, I can talk
to a wall.
Straight use in conduct.
Keeping my hands to myself andtalking nonstop was something
common in my school world.

(02:28):
So it has not alleviated in myadult world either.
Now, do I like speaking topeople for hours on end with
nothing in common, or someonethat I don't see as a viable
partner?
Eh, it's not my favorite thingto do, but I can do it and I can
do it very well.

(02:49):
So I basically saw this as achallenge.
Okay, blind date, gods challengeaccepted.
No, we shared a couple ofappetizers and had a smoked old
fashioned, and we talked, and atthe end of the evening, he
walked me to my car and we saidgoodbye.
I then had to give feedback onmy experience to the matchmaker.

(03:14):
Needless to say, how I describedhim to the matchmaker was
nothing like the photo that shehad been given.
Later on, I found out that theseexclusive or expensive
matchmaking services allow menand women to join the pool of
dates for$99 a year less thanyour Amazon Prime membership.

(03:39):
Okay, let's get that straight.
Less than any dating app,membership or subscription, less
than drastically, less than amatchmaking service and.
Now less than your Amazon Primeannual membership.
So when others are seeking thematch or spending thousands of
dollars, and so therefore thateffort is not equitable.

(04:04):
So why would the effort fromeach party going into it be the
same?
It's like a gym membership.
If all you're paying is$99, areyou really gonna value the cost
and value what this experienceholds?
I don't think so.
So back to the Catfish story.
There's another classic one I amgoing to share with you about

(04:26):
this gentleman on Bumble.
His pictures weren'texceptional, but nor were they
horrible.
And the texting.
Yeah, the texting was fine.
Not magical or earth shattering,not dry, just fine.
We decided to meet up.

(04:46):
I suggested to chill wine barand he insisted on somewhere
cozy and low lighting red flag.
In hindsight, I showed up givingconfident but not thirsty vibes
and then he walked in and Iimmediately thought, who is this
man?
And where is the one from?
The pictures?

(05:07):
Y'all.
He looked at least 10 yearsolder, maybe 20, had a
completely shaved head, not evena cousin of the guy in the
profile.
It was like he borrowed someoneelse's bumble life.
We sat down, he smiled and said,wow, you look exactly like your
photos.

(05:27):
And I provided a small, weaksmile and said, thanks.
You don't.
Then he started talking abouthow women catfish and filters
and contour.
I kid you not the audacity, thekahanas, really?
So I asked, when were yourphotos taken?

(05:50):
And he said, oh, 2012 ish.
That was my cue.
I wrapped up, thanked him forthe drink, paid my half and
left, blocked him before I hitmy car door.
So the next story, the tripledate, another one.
Oh.
Oh.

(06:11):
I have plenty.
I have plenty, plenty, plenty ofthese.
I once drove across town forbrunch with a man whose profile
was giving, I would say quote,corporate chic.
I think wallet, selfies insuits, clean shaven, standing
confidently outside a downtownbuilding.
When I got to the cafe, I wavedat someone I thought might be

(06:34):
him.
He didn't even wave back becausehe didn't recognize me.
Why?
Because I looked like the photosand he hadn't updated his, since
Obama in off ice S, he had longhair now, like shoulder length,
had gained some weight, which isnot an issue at all for me.

(06:59):
But none of that was reflectedin his online profile.
But when he finally walked over,I genuinely asked, did I get
catfished or did you just gothrough a full rebrand?
He had no idea what I wastalking about.
He thinks he still looks likethat.

(07:22):
And another one, I'm gonna callhim the filter king.
And then, okay, there is thefilter king, a man who used
Snapchat and face tune like hislife depended on it.
Skin blur to baby smoothperfection, eyes artificially
brightened.
Backgrounds were edited out.

(07:44):
He showed up and then listened.
Listen.
He wasn't unattractive.
He was just unrecognizable.
He said, oh, you're evenprettier in person.
And I replied, that's what I washoping for too.
See, you'll learn as you get tohear my podcast.
In each episode.

(08:04):
I do have a flare for sarcasm.
That is something that I learnedearly and use often.
However, I won't use it to.
Embarrass someone or at someoneelse's expense.
But this was like, he wasn'tpicking up what I was putting
down, let's just say.
So we spent the whole datepretending everything was

(08:25):
normal, but I left with thislike ache.
Not because it didn't work, butbecause it didn't start from
something of truth.
Like why lie?
So here's what I've learnedthrough these small experiences.
It's not about vanity and itshouldn't be.
It's about honesty, aboutstarting something new without

(08:51):
portraying yourself with a mask.
Because if I'm showing up asmyself, no heavy filters, no
misleading angles, not a lot ofmakeup.
Why can't you?
These moments chipped away atme.
Not because I didn't feelbeautiful or worthy, not because

(09:11):
I felt like my time and trustwere disposable.
Every false photo tells a silentstory.
You wouldn't want me as I am.
And that's heartbreaking.
I mean, even when it's not yourheartbreak to bear.
And I've also learned this.

(09:31):
Their filter is.
Not your fault.
Let me say that again.
Their filter is not your fault.
Their insecurity is not yourburden and your worth is not
tied to their deception.

(09:51):
So for this episode, my red flagreflection is if someone won't
show you who they are from thestart.
They really aren't ready for areal connection.
So filtered photos, half true.
Some performance dating.
It's all emotional bait.
Don't bite.
If the profile is suspiciouslycurated, overly edited, or just

(10:14):
too good to be true, it probablyis.
You deserve to be met in truthnot fantasy land.
If these stories felt familiar,know this, you are not alone.
The dating pool may be murky,but clarity always starts within

(10:35):
you.
So in the next episode, we'redigging into emotional labor is
not a love language.
So bring your boundaries andyour beverage.
Keep what serves you.
Leave the rest and the debris.

Danielle (10:52):
You’re listening to Lessons in the Debris the
podcast where we unpack thewreckage of dating, heartbreak,
and healing one story at a time.
[INTRO MUSIC FADES OUT] DANIELLE(LIVE): Welcome back.
I’m Danielle Lea, and this is“The Filtered Photo Fiasco” also

known as (11:09):
the moment I realized I might be the only one still
using a current photo from thisdecade that hasn't een
photoshopped.
This episode is aboutexpectations, disappointment,
and learning to trust yourgut...
even when it's whispering“girl,run” before the appetizer hits
the table.
Let’s start at the beginning.

STORY 1 (11:30):
THE CLASSIC CATFISH The first story I have for you is
the classic catfish.
We met on using a matchmakingservice where I was told he is
handsome and you guys have a lotin common.
So there was not a profile ortexting prior to the date it was

(11:51):
show up and let's see.
We met at a tiny hole in thewall jazz bar in a downtown area
that was known for the romanticand speakeasy type vibe.
He arrived before me and I wastold he would be wearing a red
shirt.
Well that much was true he hadon a long sleeve button down red

(12:15):
shirt starched and all.
But beyond that nothing was whatI had requested inquired about
or said were important to me...
So what now?
I sat at the high top and webegan chatting.
I can speak to anyone for hoursso I basically saw this as a
challenge.
Challenge accepted.

(12:35):
Now we shared a couple ofappetizers and had smoked old
fashions and talked.
At the end of the evening hewalked me to my car and we said
goodbye.
I then had to give feedback onmy experience...
needless to say how I describedhim to the matchmaker was
nothing like his photo.

(12:57):
Later I found out these"exclusive" or"expensive"
match-making services allow menand women to join the pool for
$99.
When others seeking the matchare spending thousands so the
effort is not equal.
Another classic catfish story-wemet on Bumble and his pics
weren't exceptional nor werethey horrible and the texting...

(13:18):
The texting was fine.
Not magical, not dry.
Just… fine.
We decided to meet up.
I suggested a chill wine bar.
He insisted on somewhere“cozyand low lighting” red flag in
hindsight.
I showed up giving“confident butnot thirsty” vibes.
And then he walked in.
And I immediately thought… whois this man and where is the one

(13:42):
from the pictures?
Y’all.
He looked AT LEAST ten yearsolder, had a completely shaved
head, and not even a cousin ofthe guy in the profile.
It was like he borrowed someoneelse’s Bumble life.
We sat down.
He smiled and said,“Wow, youlook exactly like your photos.”
I smiled and said,“Thanks… youdon’t.” Then he started talking

(14:07):
about how women catfish withfilters and contour I kid you
not.
The audacity.
So I asked:“When were thosephotos taken?” And he said:
“2012…ish.” That was my cue.
I wrapped up, thanked him forthe drink, paid my half, and
left.
Blocked him before I hit my cardoor.

STORY 2 (14:27):
THE TRIPLE TAKE Another one?
Oh, I’ve got more.
I once drove across town forbrunch with a man whose profile
was giving“corporate chic.”Think well-lit selfies in suits,
clean-shaven, standingconfidently outside a downtown
building.
When I got to the café and wavedat someone I thought might be

(14:48):
him he didn’t even wave back.
Because he didn’t recognize ME.
Why?
Because*I* looked like my photosand*he* hadn’t updated his since
Obama was in office.
He had long hair now.
Like shoulder-length.
Had gained weight which isn’tthe issue but none of that was
reflected online.
When he finally walked over, Igenuinely asked,“Did I get

(15:12):
catfished or did you just gothrough a full rebrand?” STORY

3 (15:17):
THE FILTER KING And then there was Filter King.
A man who used Snapseed andFacetune like his life depended
on it.
Skin blurred to baby-smoothperfection.
Eyes artificially brightened.
Backgrounds edited out.
He showed up and… listen, hewasn’t unattractive.
He was just unrecognizable.
He said,“You’re even prettier inperson.” And I replied,“That’s

(15:40):
what I was hoping for, too.” Wespent the whole date pretending
everything was normal.
But I left with this ache notbecause it didn’t work, but
because it didn’t start fromtruth.

REFLECTION (15:53):
Here’s what I’ve learned through these

experiences (15:56):
It’s not about vanity.
It’s about**honesty**.
About starting something newwithout a mask.
Because if I’m showing up asmyself no heavy filters, no
misleading angles why can’t you?
These moments chipped away atme.
Not because I didn’t feelbeautiful or worthy but because
I felt like my time and trustwere disposable.

(16:18):
Every false photo tells a silentstory:“You wouldn’t want me as I
am.” And that’s heartbreakingeven when it’s not your
heartbreak.

But I’ve also learned this: Their filter isn’t your fault. (16:27):
undefined
Their insecurity isn’t yourburden.
And your worth is not tied totheir deception.

RED FLAG REFLECTION (16:37):
Red Flag#2: If someone won’t show you who
they are from the start they’renot ready for real connection.
Filtered photos, half-truths,and performance dating… it’s all
emotional bait.
Don’t bite.
If the profile is suspiciouslycurated, overly edited, or just
too good to be true it probablyis.

(16:58):
You deserve to be met in truth,not fantasy.

OUTRO (17:02):
If these stories felt familiar, know this you’re not
alone.
The dating pool may be murky,but clarity always starts with
you.
Next episode, we’re digging into“Emotional Labor Is Not a Love
Language.” So bring yourboundaries and a beverage.
[OUTRO MUSIC FADES IN] Keep whatserves you.

(17:22):
Leave the rest in the debris.
[OUTRO MUSIC FADES OUT]
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