June 3, 2025 • 41 mins
What happens when the future you've always imagined suddenly becomes impossible? Elin, who'd always pictured herself becoming a mom, experienced a miscarriage and later discovered her fertility level was practically zero after attempting to freeze her eggs, effectively closing the door on biological motherhood.
The grief shook her identity to the core, but eventually the loss opened unexpected doors to a fulfilling life that looks nothing like she originally planned.
In this episode we talk through:
- navigating the grief of a miscarriage
- discovering motherhood in nontraditional forms
- building empathy, compassion, and community
- finding joy in unexpected paths in life
About the Guest:
Elin Michel-Midelfort is from Minneapolis, Minnesota and a recent transplant to Portland, Oregon. As the oldest of four kids with a working mom, Elin grew up taking care of children at an early age and believed her life was going to look very different than it has so far turned out. When Elin had a miscarriage at 27 and at 34 learned she had no fertility, her future and identity were turned upside down. Through a grieving and learning process she found a new way to look at herself and her life. Elin currently works in investment real estate and has committed to apply this awareness to her daily life, and in adventures with her partner, Patricio, her dog Cas, and her three nephews.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Parker (00:01):
Today I'm speaking with Elin, whose story of joy and
adaptation in the face of griefdoes include topics of
miscarriage and infertility.
Please be advised if these aresensitive subjects for you.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thanks, parker.
I'm so glad to be here.
(00:21):
Today we're meeting with Elin.
Elin is from Minneapolis,minnesota, and a recent ish
transplant of Portland Oregon.
After a miscarriage at 27 andsubsequently learning at 34 that
she had no fertility, herfuture plans and identity were
turned upside down.
Elin currently works ininvestment real estate and now
(00:43):
adventures with her partner,Patricio and her dog Cass and
her three nephews.
So welcome to the show.
Elin (00:57):
Thank you, Parker.
Very nice to be here and talkwith you today.
Parker (01:06):
So kind of a heavy topic today, but an important one.
So let's start off kind of backin the history.
So you grew up as the oldest offour kids with a working mom
and you were taking care ofchildren at an early age.
How do you feel like thisshaped your desires and
expectations for your life?
Elin (01:20):
As the oldest of four with a stay-at-home dad in the 80s
and 90s, that was highlyirregular my mom is still a
practicing doctor and wasworking extremely long hours was
excited to help out and be apart of my dad's kind of
(01:48):
co-parenting.
That was needed and I, at theage of 12, because I had so much
experience taking care of mysiblings started babysitting for
other kids in my primary schooland I was really good at it,
(02:16):
but I also really enjoyed it.
I felt it was so nice to be apart of these kids' lives and
help them and, being at thattime not much older, I felt like
I could really identify withwhatever they might be going
through and found so much valuein being being part of
children's lives.
I was doing that every week andwhen I graduated college, my
first job out of college was atthe children's museum and
(02:37):
because I had been, I neverquestioned that I was going to
be part of children's lives andthat came from my mom,
unfortunately working reallylong hours, but it also taught
me about working hard andproviding for your family and
how important her family wasmeant that she was working
outside of the home, so it was adifferent dynamic, but it
(02:59):
allowed me to be really valuablewith other kids and other
families and that was reallyspecial to me early on.
Parker (03:10):
So you just always knew that you wanted to have kids and
be around kids, and that wasjust like the set for your life.
Elin (03:19):
I thought as a teenager that I would be married at 21
and have kids at 23.
Parker (03:25):
Isn't it funny how our childhood and teenage
expectations are so off, youknow that was such a funny idea.
Elin (03:40):
And I met my now ex-husband when I was 16.
And we were high schoolsweethearts.
We went to college together.
I knew that I wanted kids and Ialso felt at that time there
was a lot of indication fromolder people wait to have kids,
wait to have kids.
And my mom had me when she was34.
(04:00):
And then she had three morekids.
So in the nineties she was, shehad her youngest at when she
was 41.
So I, even though I wanted kids, I also felt like I had a lot
of time and I had no one in mylife telling me you know, you
should have kids now.
(04:21):
You know, don't wait too long.
I felt like it was the oppositein my, in my experience was you
got tons of time, tons of time.
Wait till you're older, youknow, um.
So that was an interestingdynamic, given what I've
experienced since then you didnot have kids at 21.
Parker (04:53):
Um, and unfortunately, at 27, you had a miscarriage.
Do you want to walk me throughthat?
Elin (04:55):
experience?
Yeah, I it was.
It was an interesting timebecause I had waited for what I
felt like was a long time.
I had been married for threeyears almost four and we had a
house and we got a dog and wekind of set everything into
place.
We were in a good ish place inour relationship, as good as
(05:19):
we'd been, and decided okay,we're going to try to have kids.
And I got pregnant right away,right away I think it was maybe
the first or second month thatwe had tried and I was really
excited and since, of course,learned why so many people wait
(05:40):
to tell people.
But we started telling a lot ofpeople I think about six to
eight weeks felt like that wasenough time and I, at 11 weeks,
went in for my ultrasound whichwas the expectation that this is
(06:01):
the first time that you hearthe baby's, the fetus's
heartbeat and went in and hadjelly on my stomach and the
ultrasound technician wasworking her magic and there was
no sound and I could tell fromthe look that she was giving and
(06:24):
then leaving the room thatsomething was very wrong.
The doctor came in and saidwe're not finding a heartbeat.
She looked and said it lookslike you've had a missed
miscarriage, which I had neverheard that term, but what I
(06:44):
found out that that meant wasthat my body was still acting
like I was pregnant.
It was still understanding allof that hormone and change but
the fetus was no longer growingalive, sustaining life, and so
what they said is based on that,and we don't know how long this
(07:07):
has been going on, but we aregoing to have you go into the
hospital and have a DNC, whichmeans that you are essentially
the equivalent of what somewomen do for an abortion and
they remove the pregnancy.
And it it was.
(07:31):
When I even look back on it, II went into shock, for sure,
because it was a very gray,everything was blurry, I
couldn't understand what's goingon and then, of course, having
the procedure, just I was out ofbody really.
And they asked if they, if Ishould be, if I wanted to be put
(07:52):
out for the procedure, and Isaid yes.
I didn't want to have anymemory of that.
So I came out of that in a lotof shock and a lot of emotional
pain.
I mean 11 weeks I'd already setup some of the nursery and I
had books and you know, littlethings of clothing that I had
(08:15):
started and that was a reallydevastating time.
And it was also looking back, Irealized it was the beginning.
The miscarriage was thebeginning of the end of
effectively me realizing that mymarriage was in very deep
trouble and was not meant to be.
(08:38):
I started finding that I feltreally alone.
Finding that I felt reallyalone, I felt like no one
understood the pain that thatwas, that I was at that time
around a number of other peoplewho had families started and
everyone said you want to tryagain as soon as you can, and
one.
I was given no explanation,which was very confusing, about
(09:02):
why that happened or whetherthere was anything to do to make
sure that I would be okay totry again.
No one helped with that, and soI was left to think it was up
to my own timeline and um, andso I realized I needed to start
taking care of myself alone.
So I was.
I felt very alone at that timeand very isolated, and for me it
(09:27):
was the beginning of the end ofmy marriage, which was also
devastating.
But it was a very confusingexperience and, yeah, I felt
very alone.
I didn't feel prepared at thattime, I wasn't given resources
to talk to anyone or felt reallyembarrassed too that I had told
(09:48):
people and I didn't know how totalk about it.
So that was, that was theimmediate time around the
miscarriage at 27.
Parker (09:58):
And I imagine from what I've heard from other women who
have miscarriages is that not alot of people talk about it.
So I think it's probably a lotmore common than people realize.
But naturally it's a difficultthing to talk about and I
completely understand why peoplewouldn't.
(10:19):
But I can also understand howthat could exacerbate that
feeling of being aloneAbsolutely.
Elin (10:27):
And you start.
For me, it started the questionabout what it is to be a woman
and what it is to be considered.
You know a wife, you know amother.
All of these things startedcoming into question.
I felt like, am I not?
(10:48):
as you know, good if I, if Ican't have this experience, it's
really.
It started making me understandwhat women go through, that
have trouble getting pregnantand realizing how many people
see themselves.
As you know, it's really anidentifier for women about who
(11:09):
they are, can be, and I feellike that's a huge society
pressure, obviously, which makesit, I think, harder to talk
about when it actually happens.
Even though I knew the stats, Iknew that at that point I heard
50% of pregnancies and inmiscarriage.
A lot of times women don't knowthat they've even had one
because it's a couple of dayslate in your cycle and you're
(11:30):
not even aware that you might'vehad a chemical pregnancy.
And I knew that, and yet I Ifelt without any ability to
decipher who I talked to, how tobecause I wasn't given answers.
There was no clarity about whatthis meant, so that felt hard
to establish a way to connectwith people about it.
Parker (11:54):
And you mentioned that it started to question your
identity as a woman and allthese things and that people had
said to go ahead and try rightaway.
But your marriage was alsofalling apart, but you didn't
give up yet on being a mother,right.
Elin (12:12):
That's right.
Parker (12:13):
You eventually tried to freeze your eggs, is that right?
Elin (12:23):
eventually tried to freeze your eggs.
Is that right?
Yeah, so I.
I subsequently, after gettingout of my marriage a little
while later, I got into arelationship with someone for
six years, and they were someonethat really had had, you know,
some background in their familythat made them think I don't
want to be a parent.
That's not something I'mlooking for, and so one knowing
(12:46):
that my mom had me at 34 and myyoungest brother at 41,.
I thought okay, well, I havetime and at 32, with
communication to him.
At that time I decided to getoff my birth control and leave
things up to chance, which now,in retrospect, thinking you know
(13:07):
, very interesting that I neverended up getting pregnant at
that time.
But when that relationshipended, immediately I was
thinking I'm 34.
Parker (13:19):
This is I know when.
Elin (13:20):
I've heard so much storytelling about this is the
time when you know women'sfertility starts to wane and
it's really important toconsider whether you want kids
at this time, because you becomeyou can become a geriatric
mother, pregnancy, I guess andso I thought, okay, I'm not with
someone, but I know that I'vealways thought I would have kids
(13:43):
.
That's part of my identity isI'm going to be a mom.
And I decided, well, I havesome, I have some money, I'm
going to go preserve my chanceto be a mom.
So I'm going to go freeze myeggs, which is turns out quite
an expensive thing.
And I went in for the testingand they test I believe it's
(14:05):
called your AMH, which is yourlevel of fertility.
And I went in really excited I'mdoing the right thing, I'm
preserving the chance to do, todo this lifelong goal that I've
had identity and found out thatthe course that they need you to
(14:26):
take when you start that isessentially the first half of in
vitro.
But instead of implanting apregnancy, they freeze, freeze,
they freeze the eggs, they testfor what levels they find a
minimum to be in order to riskdoing this, which needs to be a
1.0 AMH, and mine came back at0.1 0.1, which is essentially
(14:53):
zero.
I don't know if they go all theway to zero, but at that time I
I thought like what Like?
just that can't be right, and somy mom being a doctor, I they
said that's really low and superirregular, so we're going to
have you come in and we're goingto do an ultrasound to actually
see what your ovaries look likeand understand what's maybe
(15:15):
going on.
Maybe this is an error on ourside.
Well, I went in with my mom assupport and found out that no,
indeed, it was 0.1.
And they said we will notfreeze your eggs.
You have a better chance oftrying to get pregnant on your
own.
It's you know.
They didn't say impossiblebecause I don't think they want
(15:37):
to tell women that, butessentially we can't.
I could have got pregnant maybenot but that I thought I was had
(16:04):
plenty of time.
I thought I was, I would haveplenty of time.
I preserved the chance that allwomen had fertility ending at
the same time, that it kind ofdropped off, and that's not the
case.
I found out which wasmystifying, especially knowing
that I'd had a miscarriage andthat no one had said you should
(16:27):
check this out or you shouldcheck your fertility levels.
So I went in thinking I waspreserving my chance to be a
mother, and found out that no,there's not even the option to
preserve that chance.
And so it really I.
I was in heavy, heavy grief Then, luckily, I will say, at that
(16:49):
moment in time I wasn't cravingto be a mom.
I thought, maybe because I hadso much time, it wasn't this
thing that I felt like I neededto do right now.
So the grief was just what am Iif I'm not going to be a mother
like?
That's what I see for my life,that's what I see as a source of
fulfillment for myself.
(17:12):
And so I, I went into kind of aspiritual quest at that point
to understand myself in adifferent way and I also started
to recognize, wow, I, I reallyset a pretty narrow focus for my
life, which was also feltreally debilitating when you
realize that that plan that youhave isn't going to go that
(17:35):
direction.
So I realized, when I startedto go through that grief and
feel all of that I I needed totake my blinders off and see
what else there might be for mylife.
Parker (17:51):
Um, I want to come back to that, but first I want to
talk about um, the, the griefprocess and like, if you knew
somebody else either goingthrough a miscarriage or dealing
with fertility issues like,what advice would you?
(18:12):
Great?
Elin (18:15):
question, really be who I was and not hide some of these
big questions that I was havingand big pain and sadness about
(18:41):
who I was, what I was going tobe, what was going to be in my
life, and to be able to startsharing that with people that I
trust, about what was reallygoing on and that was it, took
some time.
I don't think for a while I hadeven the vocabulary.
I'm more of an internalprocessor and so it.
(19:04):
It was not a first inclinationto start sharing that.
It was like I don't even knowwhat's going on with me.
I don't know how I feel, Idon't know what I think, I don't
know what's up or down.
It just it was like someonepulled the rug underneath, from
underneath me.
It just it was like someonepulled the rug underneath from
underneath me.
What am I doing Like?
What is my life right now?
So it took some time to realizeI I'm going to probably stay in
(19:28):
some element of this in mygrief If I don't start to write
it down, I don't start to talkabout it, I don't express those
feelings which I'm not.
I thought I was a big expressorfeelings.
But actually when someone says,feel your feelings.
Parker (19:46):
I'm like what does that?
Elin (19:49):
mean, I did a lot of crying and I also accepted that
when there were days that Ididn't want to see people with
kids, that I couldn't even talkto my friends that had easily
had kids or I didn't think couldunderstand me or would maybe
brush over that, or try and youknow, tell me the silver lining,
(20:10):
or did you try it?
adoption, or you know, trying tosolve that for me, that I
didn't need to put myself insituations that I wasn't ready
to hold my own space on and sayyou know what, no, it's not like
that for me, or no, I'm notready for that, or I don't want
to talk about that, or this iswhat's happening for me.
I had to be confident in my ownexperience first to go into
(20:34):
conversation and share that andbe vulnerable, because not
everyone's going to understandthat, especially if they've not
interacted with someone that'sbeen through fertility
challenges.
Parker (20:47):
Yeah Well, and grief is not a linear right and it can
pop up in unexpected moments andum moments, and there's likely
probably a little bit of it withyou.
But you have now gone throughthese two kind of major
experiences of loss and you'vestarted a spiritual journey
(21:11):
towards kind of figuring out whoyou are.
How did you adjust your lifeand expectations moving forward?
Elin (21:20):
It was I think, like any very painful experience, any
kind of change like that orre-identification of yourself,
it's like this canyon exists infront of you.
It's like what is next?
I'm stepping off a ledge.
There's just this huge openspace and that's really scary
(21:43):
and it's also really freeingbecause I realized I had set my
sights so specifically onbiologically having my own
children.
That to see, wow, there sistercame to me and said I'm pregnant
with her first and she wasreally scared to talk to me
(22:28):
about it, thinking I don't knowwhat this is going to trigger,
if this is going to be superpainful for Elin and luckily I
had done a lot of grieving andletting myself feel all the
feelings and be pissed off andrestrict myself in ways that
felt safe for me to get throughthe process and really allow
(22:50):
myself to be pissed and feelalone, and feel all those things
because those feelings are real.
They're not always factual,because it turns out I'm not
alone.
Of course, there's so manywomen that go through this, but
when you're, when you're in thatyou think no one understands me
, you know.
And when she told me that Ihadn't, thankfully, nothing but
(23:12):
excitement and joy for her andjust this freedom, like wow, I'm
not, I'm not resentful and Ithought that I would be.
I thought that anyone close tome that got to have that
experience that I had for solong wanted to have personally,
(23:33):
it was.
It was really freeing to sayokay, like maybe I can be close
to this person even though shegets something I don't get.
You know, there was none ofthat left, thankfully.
And what ended up happening,which was a complete change in
my life and really transformedthis huge piece of loss in my
(23:55):
life and my identity, was thatshe started asking me to come
out and visit her in PortlandOregon when she was pregnant and
when she had Talus.
I came out right away and spenta lot of time with them and I
was that time going back andforth after Talos was born,
every month, secretly, hoping,but not wanting to say, because
(24:22):
it felt too big to orchestratethat.
This little boy, who was asclose to my own genes as I was
maybe ever gonna get, was superspecial to me.
And how can I be more involvedin his life when I live in
Minnesota?
And my boss at that time cameto me and said you know, if you
(24:44):
ever think about moving toPortland, talk to me, we'll
figure it out.
Which was a shock because mycompany was only based in
Minneapolis.
And a week later my sister cameto me and said my, my best
friend, has a house openingright next to her.
There's no way you'd ever wantto move here, right, because it
was more than they needed, morethan they were willing to, you
(25:08):
know, pay for on their own.
And and I said, well, yeah callthem back and tell them yes, I
just had this huge opening formy boss and then my condo that I
was living in.
My cousin needed a place tolive.
All these pieces fell intoplace and I thought, wow, I
(25:28):
really shortchanged myself inwhat it meant to be a mom.
There are so many other waysthat I can experience motherhood
, and maybe that means being asuper close auntie to my nephew.
And so I ended up getting tospend five years living with my
sister and Talis, and then hersecond baby, and being a part of
(25:54):
their daily lives.
I could have never expected howrewarding that would be.
And they're not my, they're notmy kids, and yet they what I
realized I wanted, which didn'thave to exist just in the idea
of being a mother to my own kids, but that I want to be in a
child's life, I want to investthere, I want to have a
(26:17):
connection, have that bond youknow, have a, have an experience
that is seeing someone throughtheir life and supporting them
and loving them, and thatdoesn't have to just be from my
own biological having a kid.
Parker (26:35):
Um, as somebody who had like complicated life growing up
, I can tell you there weredefinitely parental or
influential figures in my lifethat weren't necessarily my
biological parents like I lovemy mother to death but I also
had other people who made adifference and I think the more
(26:56):
people in their lives that areinfluential, the better.
Right, like that's a supportsystem for them too.
So it can go both ways and Ijust I love how I feel like when
doors are supposed to open,they just open and it just feels
like everything falls togetherand it's almost like the
universe is like hey, and you'relike oh, like look how this is
(27:18):
all just working Literally cametogether and there's no way,
looking back, and even in themoment I realized if I would
have wanted that and tried tomanage and make that happen,
there's no way that I could havemade that happen.
Elin (27:32):
Where would I work?
Where would I live?
What would I do with my condo?
All of that happened on its own.
I didn't force that, and so itreally felt like well, I am
definitely meant to be in thiskid's life.
I'm meant to be in my sister'slife in a new way.
I'm meant to explore this wholenew life that I never thought I
would.
I've never dreamed of moving tothe West Coast.
Parker (27:56):
I didn't either growing up, but I absolutely loved it.
So, yes, well, when we werechatting before we recorded this
, you mentioned a JenniferAniston quote that you and her
have something in common, andthe quote is there's a pressure
on women to be mothers, and ifthey're not, then they're deemed
(28:19):
damaged.
Good, maybe my purpose on thisplanet isn't to procreate, maybe
I have other things I'msupposed to do, so I wanted to
ask you what do you believe yourpurpose is now, if it's not to
be a direct biological mother?
Elin (28:35):
So great that you asked that.
When I read that I thought,whoa, someone who's been in a
lot of light, a lot of pressureand probably gets asked
constantly, that would be quitea lot to have to respond to,
right and so and I identifycompletely with that I people
(28:59):
ask me all the time well, youstill have time to have kids,
and I you know, I it.
It's one of my, one of mybiggest lessons learned out of
these periods of losses Don'tassume anything about anyone.
You have no idea what someone'sgone through, and a lot of
people say that innocently, orthey feel bad or they don't know
how to address it, and sothat's their responses oh, you
(29:22):
still have time, and it's likeone.
You don't know.
If that person can't have kids,isn't is choosing not to for
some reason, that's not yourbusiness, but that that's not,
that's not our only path, and soI think one of the things that
was very surprising and reallyexciting about how my life has
(29:45):
changed is I identified prior toall of this as chasing fairly
typical dreams I would saypretty standard American dreams
get married, have a house, getkids, vacation, have all the
things.
And I realized that through thisI am not a very typical person
(30:08):
and there are a lot of thingsthat I get to experience because
I have a different path infront of me that is not with my
own kids, and so I think theadventuring and growing and
changing and learning and seeingmore of the world has been
super valuable and pushingmyself in different ways,
(30:29):
because I think parenthoodobviously pushes you in immense
ways.
I can't I can't even imaginewhat it pushes you to on a daily
basis, but I get to push myselfin a lot of other ways.
So how you and I met at theCrossFit gym, I could have never
imagined going to CrossFit, butI think even just moving out to
(30:49):
the west coast, like likethat's I was a pretty, I stayed
in safe places similar to thatblinder idea, I didn't think of
all these ways that my lifecould expand, and so I feel like
it's been this massiveexpansive experience of my life,
but also for myself, like whatare all these other things that
(31:10):
I enjoy that I haven't even beenable to experience?
I just this I just turned 43this summer and I surfed for the
first time on my birthday, thatseems like it would be so hard
but so cool.
Parker (31:23):
I did see you bungee jump.
I was like, oh my gosh, look ather.
Elin (31:27):
It's actually the second time I've done that and it was.
You know, I'm sure if I hadkids I would not be jumping off
a bridge and so doing somethings that make me feel alive
in different ways and value mylife in different ways.
I think that's one huge thingthat feels purposeful to me.
(31:48):
But more than that, being ableto talk about this and when I
share about myself authentically, which now I'm close with, that
they have gone through.
(32:14):
I've now met two met.
I've had friends who have hadmissed miscarriages.
That's happened twice, which isa pretty irregular thing and I
know that if I wouldn't haveshared of myself first and said
this is what happened to me,this is how it impacted me, this
is how I grew through that.
What happened to me, this ishow it impacted me, this is how
(32:35):
I grew through that, I know thatI wouldn't have been able to
engage in such intimacy andreceive that from them either.
So for me, having thiscommunity of women and learn
that there's so many challengeswomen go through to experience
motherhood, it's been reallyimpactful and it feels, um, I
feel really so much closer to alot of people.
(32:58):
I know I wouldn't have thatsame chance.
Parker (33:01):
Um, I know you've mentioned that sharing it and
building a community isincredibly important to you and
that's probably a new thing foryou, but would you recommend
other people try and findcommunity and share, like I
imagine it, in a place and timethat feels comfortable for them?
But I imagine that it iscomforting to know that somebody
(33:25):
else can understand on a levelthat others who haven't gone
through it can't understand.
Elin (33:31):
Absolutely yes, I really do recommend that there are so
many grief groups and supportgroups, and I think even more in
the last couple of years.
Perhaps it's because I'm moreopen to it, I'm looking for it
and I'm engaging with it, but Ihad no idea how many groups
there are for women who havelost pregnancies at any length
(33:58):
and it really can impact you andhow you feel about yourself and
your life and it can besomething that you can struggle
with alone.
And for me, I don't think Iwould have grieved fully and
been able to let go of myidentity as that in that way if
(34:20):
I wouldn't have shared it.
I really don't.
It was really important for meto have that strength from other
people and not feel alone andlearn what other people did to
grow and feel supported.
Parker (34:42):
Yeah, it's amazing how community can um, I don't know,
I feel like I am most alone whenI feel like I don't have a
community and most grateful, Iguess, when I do, because
community can bring joy andunderstanding and comfort and
like strength when you don'thave it.
And yeah, I just I'm so gladthat you now feel like you're in
a space to share that.
Elin (35:04):
Yes, I think it depends on everyone's timing and place and
personality.
But some people find that in aone-on-one situation maybe it's
even just therapy.
It could be with a really goodfriend, it could be.
There's a lot of anonymousgroups that I've participated in
(35:24):
that if you feel uncomfortablehaving other people know who you
are and have that kind ofpublic exposure, there are a lot
of rooms that you can go intothat are anonymous, that you
don't have to walk away andthink how is that going to
impact me later.
So I think there's so manydifferent ways and obviously
(35:45):
there's lots of books and lotsof things that you could do on
your own.
But I think sharing that withone person individually or in a
group or with a therapist orhowever you do it, that's up to
you and what's right for you.
But I highly advocate for notjust keeping that within your
own mind, your own space, to letit come out when you're ready.
Parker (36:10):
If you could go back and tell Elin at 27 something.
What would you say?
Elin (36:27):
I was not expecting to get emotional.
And there your life is going tobe full and you have a wide
array of experiences availablefor you.
Even if you want to stay inthat idea of a mother, love
(36:59):
yourself and and um, accept whatfeels really hard to face, to
not avoid it, um, yeah, and seeksupport, yeah, yeah talking to
our younger self actually alwaysseems to make us emotional, so
it's okay, yeah, yeah, sometimesit's kind of healing, actually.
Parker (37:18):
I think to to talk to a younger version of ourselves.
Yeah, see how far you come in away, or don't comfort them, you
know, um, okay, well, I wouldlove to end on a um, happy note.
We've we've talked about griefand accepting a new version of
(37:41):
your life and identity, um, andwe've talked about support.
What are you grateful for whatare you grateful?
Elin (37:51):
for it's really interesting to feel this way,
but I feel grateful for all ofit.
I don't have any regrets.
I don't.
I really don't, which is sobizarre, knowing how painful
certain parts of this have been.
I couldn't have.
I wouldn't ask that for anyone,but for me having the life that
(38:16):
I have right now.
I'm I'm grateful that I've beenable to move and be a part of
my nephew's lives and meetPatricio, my partner, and have
this huge exploration in a wholeother part of the country.
I couldn't have expected.
I feel grateful for all of itand, underneath that, even this
(38:38):
gift that it is to have gonethrough some kind of loss for me
.
Is this really deep compassionfor people who have been through
something painful?
whether that's miscarriage,fertility issues or not.
It brings me to a level ofhumility.
There's a lot of things thathave come fairly easy for me in
(38:59):
my life and this feels like avery obvious, painful lack at
certain points, like I don't getto have this thing that I
really wanted and it allows meto feel really compassionate and
a lot of empathy for people whohave gone through hard times,
(39:21):
and that's being able to connectwith other people who are in a
painful place and not having toshy away from someone that's
struggling.
I feel super grateful for that.
Away from someone that'sstruggling, I feel super
grateful for that.
Parker (39:36):
I don't think there's enough of that in this world
right now, as people that cansay I don't know exactly what
you're going through, but I'vebeen through some pain and I can
identify that that's super hardand I can give you some grace,
yeah, so I do feel like empathyis very much needed in this
world, and I know that youexperience joy and a full life
(39:56):
and I know that you bless andcomfort the people around you,
and I'm just so grateful to havemet you and gotten to spend
time with you and, hopefully,that I get to share some of this
message with other people whomight need to hear it.
Elin (40:19):
Super honored to share it and to know you and be a friend
to you and be in each other'slives.
It's been awesome.
I look forward to more.
Parker (40:31):
All right.
Well, that is our time today,so thank you so much.
Thanks, parker.
Today I'm speaking with Elin, whose story of joy and
adaptation in the face of griefdoes include topics of
miscarriage and infertility.
Please be advised if these aresensitive subjects for you.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thanks, parker.
I'm so glad to be here.
(00:21):
Today we're meeting with Elin.
Elin is from Minneapolis,minnesota, and a recent ish
transplant of Portland Oregon.
After a miscarriage at 27 andsubsequently learning at 34 that
she had no fertility, herfuture plans and identity were
turned upside down.
Elin currently works ininvestment real estate and now
(00:43):
adventures with her partner,Patricio and her dog Cass and
her three nephews.
So welcome to the show.
Elin (00:57):
Thank you, Parker.
Very nice to be here and talkwith you today.
Parker (01:06):
So kind of a heavy topic today, but an important one.
So let's start off kind of backin the history.
So you grew up as the oldest offour kids with a working mom
and you were taking care ofchildren at an early age.
How do you feel like thisshaped your desires and
expectations for your life?
Elin (01:20):
As the oldest of four with a stay-at-home dad in the 80s
and 90s, that was highlyirregular my mom is still a
practicing doctor and wasworking extremely long hours was
excited to help out and be apart of my dad's kind of
(01:48):
co-parenting.
That was needed and I, at theage of 12, because I had so much
experience taking care of mysiblings started babysitting for
other kids in my primary schooland I was really good at it,
(02:16):
but I also really enjoyed it.
I felt it was so nice to be apart of these kids' lives and
help them and, being at thattime not much older, I felt like
I could really identify withwhatever they might be going
through and found so much valuein being being part of
children's lives.
I was doing that every week andwhen I graduated college, my
first job out of college was atthe children's museum and
(02:37):
because I had been, I neverquestioned that I was going to
be part of children's lives andthat came from my mom,
unfortunately working reallylong hours, but it also taught
me about working hard andproviding for your family and
how important her family wasmeant that she was working
outside of the home, so it was adifferent dynamic, but it
(02:59):
allowed me to be really valuablewith other kids and other
families and that was reallyspecial to me early on.
Parker (03:10):
So you just always knew that you wanted to have kids and
be around kids, and that wasjust like the set for your life.
Elin (03:19):
I thought as a teenager that I would be married at 21
and have kids at 23.
Parker (03:25):
Isn't it funny how our childhood and teenage
expectations are so off, youknow that was such a funny idea.
Elin (03:40):
And I met my now ex-husband when I was 16.
And we were high schoolsweethearts.
We went to college together.
I knew that I wanted kids and Ialso felt at that time there
was a lot of indication fromolder people wait to have kids,
wait to have kids.
And my mom had me when she was34.
(04:00):
And then she had three morekids.
So in the nineties she was, shehad her youngest at when she
was 41.
So I, even though I wanted kids, I also felt like I had a lot
of time and I had no one in mylife telling me you know, you
should have kids now.
(04:21):
You know, don't wait too long.
I felt like it was the oppositein my, in my experience was you
got tons of time, tons of time.
Wait till you're older, youknow, um.
So that was an interestingdynamic, given what I've
experienced since then you didnot have kids at 21.
Parker (04:53):
Um, and unfortunately, at 27, you had a miscarriage.
Do you want to walk me throughthat?
Elin (04:55):
experience?
Yeah, I it was.
It was an interesting timebecause I had waited for what I
felt like was a long time.
I had been married for threeyears almost four and we had a
house and we got a dog and wekind of set everything into
place.
We were in a good ish place inour relationship, as good as
(05:19):
we'd been, and decided okay,we're going to try to have kids.
And I got pregnant right away,right away I think it was maybe
the first or second month thatwe had tried and I was really
excited and since, of course,learned why so many people wait
(05:40):
to tell people.
But we started telling a lot ofpeople I think about six to
eight weeks felt like that wasenough time and I, at 11 weeks,
went in for my ultrasound whichwas the expectation that this is
(06:01):
the first time that you hearthe baby's, the fetus's
heartbeat and went in and hadjelly on my stomach and the
ultrasound technician wasworking her magic and there was
no sound and I could tell fromthe look that she was giving and
(06:24):
then leaving the room thatsomething was very wrong.
The doctor came in and saidwe're not finding a heartbeat.
She looked and said it lookslike you've had a missed
miscarriage, which I had neverheard that term, but what I
(06:44):
found out that that meant wasthat my body was still acting
like I was pregnant.
It was still understanding allof that hormone and change but
the fetus was no longer growingalive, sustaining life, and so
what they said is based on that,and we don't know how long this
(07:07):
has been going on, but we aregoing to have you go into the
hospital and have a DNC, whichmeans that you are essentially
the equivalent of what somewomen do for an abortion and
they remove the pregnancy.
And it it was.
(07:31):
When I even look back on it, II went into shock, for sure,
because it was a very gray,everything was blurry, I
couldn't understand what's goingon and then, of course, having
the procedure, just I was out ofbody really.
And they asked if they, if Ishould be, if I wanted to be put
(07:52):
out for the procedure, and Isaid yes.
I didn't want to have anymemory of that.
So I came out of that in a lotof shock and a lot of emotional
pain.
I mean 11 weeks I'd already setup some of the nursery and I
had books and you know, littlethings of clothing that I had
(08:15):
started and that was a reallydevastating time.
And it was also looking back, Irealized it was the beginning.
The miscarriage was thebeginning of the end of
effectively me realizing that mymarriage was in very deep
trouble and was not meant to be.
(08:38):
I started finding that I feltreally alone.
Finding that I felt reallyalone, I felt like no one
understood the pain that thatwas, that I was at that time
around a number of other peoplewho had families started and
everyone said you want to tryagain as soon as you can, and
one.
I was given no explanation,which was very confusing, about
(09:02):
why that happened or whetherthere was anything to do to make
sure that I would be okay totry again.
No one helped with that, and soI was left to think it was up
to my own timeline and um, andso I realized I needed to start
taking care of myself alone.
So I was.
I felt very alone at that timeand very isolated, and for me it
(09:27):
was the beginning of the end ofmy marriage, which was also
devastating.
But it was a very confusingexperience and, yeah, I felt
very alone.
I didn't feel prepared at thattime, I wasn't given resources
to talk to anyone or felt reallyembarrassed too that I had told
(09:48):
people and I didn't know how totalk about it.
So that was, that was theimmediate time around the
miscarriage at 27.
Parker (09:58):
And I imagine from what I've heard from other women who
have miscarriages is that not alot of people talk about it.
So I think it's probably a lotmore common than people realize.
But naturally it's a difficultthing to talk about and I
completely understand why peoplewouldn't.
(10:19):
But I can also understand howthat could exacerbate that
feeling of being aloneAbsolutely.
Elin (10:27):
And you start.
For me, it started the questionabout what it is to be a woman
and what it is to be considered.
You know a wife, you know amother.
All of these things startedcoming into question.
I felt like, am I not?
(10:48):
as you know, good if I, if Ican't have this experience, it's
really.
It started making me understandwhat women go through, that
have trouble getting pregnantand realizing how many people
see themselves.
As you know, it's really anidentifier for women about who
(11:09):
they are, can be, and I feellike that's a huge society
pressure, obviously, which makesit, I think, harder to talk
about when it actually happens.
Even though I knew the stats, Iknew that at that point I heard
50% of pregnancies and inmiscarriage.
A lot of times women don't knowthat they've even had one
because it's a couple of dayslate in your cycle and you're
(11:30):
not even aware that you might'vehad a chemical pregnancy.
And I knew that, and yet I Ifelt without any ability to
decipher who I talked to, how tobecause I wasn't given answers.
There was no clarity about whatthis meant, so that felt hard
to establish a way to connectwith people about it.
Parker (11:54):
And you mentioned that it started to question your
identity as a woman and allthese things and that people had
said to go ahead and try rightaway.
But your marriage was alsofalling apart, but you didn't
give up yet on being a mother,right.
Elin (12:12):
That's right.
Parker (12:13):
You eventually tried to freeze your eggs, is that right?
Elin (12:23):
eventually tried to freeze your eggs.
Is that right?
Yeah, so I.
I subsequently, after gettingout of my marriage a little
while later, I got into arelationship with someone for
six years, and they were someonethat really had had, you know,
some background in their familythat made them think I don't
want to be a parent.
That's not something I'mlooking for, and so one knowing
(12:46):
that my mom had me at 34 and myyoungest brother at 41,.
I thought okay, well, I havetime and at 32, with
communication to him.
At that time I decided to getoff my birth control and leave
things up to chance, which now,in retrospect, thinking you know
(13:07):
, very interesting that I neverended up getting pregnant at
that time.
But when that relationshipended, immediately I was
thinking I'm 34.
Parker (13:19):
This is I know when.
Elin (13:20):
I've heard so much storytelling about this is the
time when you know women'sfertility starts to wane and
it's really important toconsider whether you want kids
at this time, because you becomeyou can become a geriatric
mother, pregnancy, I guess andso I thought, okay, I'm not with
someone, but I know that I'vealways thought I would have kids
(13:43):
.
That's part of my identity isI'm going to be a mom.
And I decided, well, I havesome, I have some money, I'm
going to go preserve my chanceto be a mom.
So I'm going to go freeze myeggs, which is turns out quite
an expensive thing.
And I went in for the testingand they test I believe it's
(14:05):
called your AMH, which is yourlevel of fertility.
And I went in really excited I'mdoing the right thing, I'm
preserving the chance to do, todo this lifelong goal that I've
had identity and found out thatthe course that they need you to
(14:26):
take when you start that isessentially the first half of in
vitro.
But instead of implanting apregnancy, they freeze, freeze,
they freeze the eggs, they testfor what levels they find a
minimum to be in order to riskdoing this, which needs to be a
1.0 AMH, and mine came back at0.1 0.1, which is essentially
(14:53):
zero.
I don't know if they go all theway to zero, but at that time I
I thought like what Like?
just that can't be right, and somy mom being a doctor, I they
said that's really low and superirregular, so we're going to
have you come in and we're goingto do an ultrasound to actually
see what your ovaries look likeand understand what's maybe
(15:15):
going on.
Maybe this is an error on ourside.
Well, I went in with my mom assupport and found out that no,
indeed, it was 0.1.
And they said we will notfreeze your eggs.
You have a better chance oftrying to get pregnant on your
own.
It's you know.
They didn't say impossiblebecause I don't think they want
(15:37):
to tell women that, butessentially we can't.
I could have got pregnant maybenot but that I thought I was had
(16:04):
plenty of time.
I thought I was, I would haveplenty of time.
I preserved the chance that allwomen had fertility ending at
the same time, that it kind ofdropped off, and that's not the
case.
I found out which wasmystifying, especially knowing
that I'd had a miscarriage andthat no one had said you should
(16:27):
check this out or you shouldcheck your fertility levels.
So I went in thinking I waspreserving my chance to be a
mother, and found out that no,there's not even the option to
preserve that chance.
And so it really I.
I was in heavy, heavy grief Then, luckily, I will say, at that
(16:49):
moment in time I wasn't cravingto be a mom.
I thought, maybe because I hadso much time, it wasn't this
thing that I felt like I neededto do right now.
So the grief was just what am Iif I'm not going to be a mother
like?
That's what I see for my life,that's what I see as a source of
fulfillment for myself.
(17:12):
And so I, I went into kind of aspiritual quest at that point
to understand myself in adifferent way and I also started
to recognize, wow, I, I reallyset a pretty narrow focus for my
life, which was also feltreally debilitating when you
realize that that plan that youhave isn't going to go that
(17:35):
direction.
So I realized, when I startedto go through that grief and
feel all of that I I needed totake my blinders off and see
what else there might be for mylife.
Parker (17:51):
Um, I want to come back to that, but first I want to
talk about um, the, the griefprocess and like, if you knew
somebody else either goingthrough a miscarriage or dealing
with fertility issues like,what advice would you?
(18:12):
Great?
Elin (18:15):
question, really be who I was and not hide some of these
big questions that I was havingand big pain and sadness about
(18:41):
who I was, what I was going tobe, what was going to be in my
life, and to be able to startsharing that with people that I
trust, about what was reallygoing on and that was it, took
some time.
I don't think for a while I hadeven the vocabulary.
I'm more of an internalprocessor and so it.
(19:04):
It was not a first inclinationto start sharing that.
It was like I don't even knowwhat's going on with me.
I don't know how I feel, Idon't know what I think, I don't
know what's up or down.
It just it was like someonepulled the rug underneath, from
underneath me.
It just it was like someonepulled the rug underneath from
underneath me.
What am I doing Like?
What is my life right now?
So it took some time to realizeI I'm going to probably stay in
(19:28):
some element of this in mygrief If I don't start to write
it down, I don't start to talkabout it, I don't express those
feelings which I'm not.
I thought I was a big expressorfeelings.
But actually when someone says,feel your feelings.
Parker (19:46):
I'm like what does that?
Elin (19:49):
mean, I did a lot of crying and I also accepted that
when there were days that Ididn't want to see people with
kids, that I couldn't even talkto my friends that had easily
had kids or I didn't think couldunderstand me or would maybe
brush over that, or try and youknow, tell me the silver lining,
(20:10):
or did you try it?
adoption, or you know, trying tosolve that for me, that I
didn't need to put myself insituations that I wasn't ready
to hold my own space on and sayyou know what, no, it's not like
that for me, or no, I'm notready for that, or I don't want
to talk about that, or this iswhat's happening for me.
I had to be confident in my ownexperience first to go into
(20:34):
conversation and share that andbe vulnerable, because not
everyone's going to understandthat, especially if they've not
interacted with someone that'sbeen through fertility
challenges.
Parker (20:47):
Yeah Well, and grief is not a linear right and it can
pop up in unexpected moments andum moments, and there's likely
probably a little bit of it withyou.
But you have now gone throughthese two kind of major
experiences of loss and you'vestarted a spiritual journey
(21:11):
towards kind of figuring out whoyou are.
How did you adjust your lifeand expectations moving forward?
Elin (21:20):
It was I think, like any very painful experience, any
kind of change like that orre-identification of yourself,
it's like this canyon exists infront of you.
It's like what is next?
I'm stepping off a ledge.
There's just this huge openspace and that's really scary
(21:43):
and it's also really freeingbecause I realized I had set my
sights so specifically onbiologically having my own
children.
That to see, wow, there sistercame to me and said I'm pregnant
with her first and she wasreally scared to talk to me
(22:28):
about it, thinking I don't knowwhat this is going to trigger,
if this is going to be superpainful for Elin and luckily I
had done a lot of grieving andletting myself feel all the
feelings and be pissed off andrestrict myself in ways that
felt safe for me to get throughthe process and really allow
(22:50):
myself to be pissed and feelalone, and feel all those things
because those feelings are real.
They're not always factual,because it turns out I'm not
alone.
Of course, there's so manywomen that go through this, but
when you're, when you're in thatyou think no one understands me
, you know.
And when she told me that Ihadn't, thankfully, nothing but
(23:12):
excitement and joy for her andjust this freedom, like wow, I'm
not, I'm not resentful and Ithought that I would be.
I thought that anyone close tome that got to have that
experience that I had for solong wanted to have personally,
(23:33):
it was.
It was really freeing to sayokay, like maybe I can be close
to this person even though shegets something I don't get.
You know, there was none ofthat left, thankfully.
And what ended up happening,which was a complete change in
my life and really transformedthis huge piece of loss in my
(23:55):
life and my identity, was thatshe started asking me to come
out and visit her in PortlandOregon when she was pregnant and
when she had Talus.
I came out right away and spenta lot of time with them and I
was that time going back andforth after Talos was born,
every month, secretly, hoping,but not wanting to say, because
(24:22):
it felt too big to orchestratethat.
This little boy, who was asclose to my own genes as I was
maybe ever gonna get, was superspecial to me.
And how can I be more involvedin his life when I live in
Minnesota?
And my boss at that time cameto me and said you know, if you
(24:44):
ever think about moving toPortland, talk to me, we'll
figure it out.
Which was a shock because mycompany was only based in
Minneapolis.
And a week later my sister cameto me and said my, my best
friend, has a house openingright next to her.
There's no way you'd ever wantto move here, right, because it
was more than they needed, morethan they were willing to, you
(25:08):
know, pay for on their own.
And and I said, well, yeah callthem back and tell them yes, I
just had this huge opening formy boss and then my condo that I
was living in.
My cousin needed a place tolive.
All these pieces fell intoplace and I thought, wow, I
(25:28):
really shortchanged myself inwhat it meant to be a mom.
There are so many other waysthat I can experience motherhood
, and maybe that means being asuper close auntie to my nephew.
And so I ended up getting tospend five years living with my
sister and Talis, and then hersecond baby, and being a part of
(25:54):
their daily lives.
I could have never expected howrewarding that would be.
And they're not my, they're notmy kids, and yet they what I
realized I wanted, which didn'thave to exist just in the idea
of being a mother to my own kids, but that I want to be in a
child's life, I want to investthere, I want to have a
(26:17):
connection, have that bond youknow, have a, have an experience
that is seeing someone throughtheir life and supporting them
and loving them, and thatdoesn't have to just be from my
own biological having a kid.
Parker (26:35):
Um, as somebody who had like complicated life growing up
, I can tell you there weredefinitely parental or
influential figures in my lifethat weren't necessarily my
biological parents like I lovemy mother to death but I also
had other people who made adifference and I think the more
(26:56):
people in their lives that areinfluential, the better.
Right, like that's a supportsystem for them too.
So it can go both ways and Ijust I love how I feel like when
doors are supposed to open,they just open and it just feels
like everything falls togetherand it's almost like the
universe is like hey, and you'relike oh, like look how this is
(27:18):
all just working Literally cametogether and there's no way,
looking back, and even in themoment I realized if I would
have wanted that and tried tomanage and make that happen,
there's no way that I could havemade that happen.
Elin (27:32):
Where would I work?
Where would I live?
What would I do with my condo?
All of that happened on its own.
I didn't force that, and so itreally felt like well, I am
definitely meant to be in thiskid's life.
I'm meant to be in my sister'slife in a new way.
I'm meant to explore this wholenew life that I never thought I
would.
I've never dreamed of moving tothe West Coast.
Parker (27:56):
I didn't either growing up, but I absolutely loved it.
So, yes, well, when we werechatting before we recorded this
, you mentioned a JenniferAniston quote that you and her
have something in common, andthe quote is there's a pressure
on women to be mothers, and ifthey're not, then they're deemed
(28:19):
damaged.
Good, maybe my purpose on thisplanet isn't to procreate, maybe
I have other things I'msupposed to do, so I wanted to
ask you what do you believe yourpurpose is now, if it's not to
be a direct biological mother?
Elin (28:35):
So great that you asked that.
When I read that I thought,whoa, someone who's been in a
lot of light, a lot of pressureand probably gets asked
constantly, that would be quitea lot to have to respond to,
right and so and I identifycompletely with that I people
(28:59):
ask me all the time well, youstill have time to have kids,
and I you know, I it.
It's one of my, one of mybiggest lessons learned out of
these periods of losses Don'tassume anything about anyone.
You have no idea what someone'sgone through, and a lot of
people say that innocently, orthey feel bad or they don't know
how to address it, and sothat's their responses oh, you
(29:22):
still have time, and it's likeone.
You don't know.
If that person can't have kids,isn't is choosing not to for
some reason, that's not yourbusiness, but that that's not,
that's not our only path, and soI think one of the things that
was very surprising and reallyexciting about how my life has
(29:45):
changed is I identified prior toall of this as chasing fairly
typical dreams I would saypretty standard American dreams
get married, have a house, getkids, vacation, have all the
things.
And I realized that through thisI am not a very typical person
(30:08):
and there are a lot of thingsthat I get to experience because
I have a different path infront of me that is not with my
own kids, and so I think theadventuring and growing and
changing and learning and seeingmore of the world has been
super valuable and pushingmyself in different ways,
(30:29):
because I think parenthoodobviously pushes you in immense
ways.
I can't I can't even imaginewhat it pushes you to on a daily
basis, but I get to push myselfin a lot of other ways.
So how you and I met at theCrossFit gym, I could have never
imagined going to CrossFit, butI think even just moving out to
(30:49):
the west coast, like likethat's I was a pretty, I stayed
in safe places similar to thatblinder idea, I didn't think of
all these ways that my lifecould expand, and so I feel like
it's been this massiveexpansive experience of my life,
but also for myself, like whatare all these other things that
(31:10):
I enjoy that I haven't even beenable to experience?
I just this I just turned 43this summer and I surfed for the
first time on my birthday, thatseems like it would be so hard
but so cool.
Parker (31:23):
I did see you bungee jump.
I was like, oh my gosh, look ather.
Elin (31:27):
It's actually the second time I've done that and it was.
You know, I'm sure if I hadkids I would not be jumping off
a bridge and so doing somethings that make me feel alive
in different ways and value mylife in different ways.
I think that's one huge thingthat feels purposeful to me.
(31:48):
But more than that, being ableto talk about this and when I
share about myself authentically, which now I'm close with, that
they have gone through.
(32:14):
I've now met two met.
I've had friends who have hadmissed miscarriages.
That's happened twice, which isa pretty irregular thing and I
know that if I wouldn't haveshared of myself first and said
this is what happened to me,this is how it impacted me, this
is how I grew through that.
What happened to me, this ishow it impacted me, this is how
(32:35):
I grew through that, I know thatI wouldn't have been able to
engage in such intimacy andreceive that from them either.
So for me, having thiscommunity of women and learn
that there's so many challengeswomen go through to experience
motherhood, it's been reallyimpactful and it feels, um, I
feel really so much closer to alot of people.
(32:58):
I know I wouldn't have thatsame chance.
Parker (33:01):
Um, I know you've mentioned that sharing it and
building a community isincredibly important to you and
that's probably a new thing foryou, but would you recommend
other people try and findcommunity and share, like I
imagine it, in a place and timethat feels comfortable for them?
But I imagine that it iscomforting to know that somebody
(33:25):
else can understand on a levelthat others who haven't gone
through it can't understand.
Elin (33:31):
Absolutely yes, I really do recommend that there are so
many grief groups and supportgroups, and I think even more in
the last couple of years.
Perhaps it's because I'm moreopen to it, I'm looking for it
and I'm engaging with it, but Ihad no idea how many groups
there are for women who havelost pregnancies at any length
(33:58):
and it really can impact you andhow you feel about yourself and
your life and it can besomething that you can struggle
with alone.
And for me, I don't think Iwould have grieved fully and
been able to let go of myidentity as that in that way if
(34:20):
I wouldn't have shared it.
I really don't.
It was really important for meto have that strength from other
people and not feel alone andlearn what other people did to
grow and feel supported.
Parker (34:42):
Yeah, it's amazing how community can um, I don't know,
I feel like I am most alone whenI feel like I don't have a
community and most grateful, Iguess, when I do, because
community can bring joy andunderstanding and comfort and
like strength when you don'thave it.
And yeah, I just I'm so gladthat you now feel like you're in
a space to share that.
Elin (35:04):
Yes, I think it depends on everyone's timing and place and
personality.
But some people find that in aone-on-one situation maybe it's
even just therapy.
It could be with a really goodfriend, it could be.
There's a lot of anonymousgroups that I've participated in
(35:24):
that if you feel uncomfortablehaving other people know who you
are and have that kind ofpublic exposure, there are a lot
of rooms that you can go intothat are anonymous, that you
don't have to walk away andthink how is that going to
impact me later.
So I think there's so manydifferent ways and obviously
(35:45):
there's lots of books and lotsof things that you could do on
your own.
But I think sharing that withone person individually or in a
group or with a therapist orhowever you do it, that's up to
you and what's right for you.
But I highly advocate for notjust keeping that within your
own mind, your own space, to letit come out when you're ready.
Parker (36:10):
If you could go back and tell Elin at 27 something.
What would you say?
Elin (36:27):
I was not expecting to get emotional.
And there your life is going tobe full and you have a wide
array of experiences availablefor you.
Even if you want to stay inthat idea of a mother, love
(36:59):
yourself and and um, accept whatfeels really hard to face, to
not avoid it, um, yeah, and seeksupport, yeah, yeah talking to
our younger self actually alwaysseems to make us emotional, so
it's okay, yeah, yeah, sometimesit's kind of healing, actually.
Parker (37:18):
I think to to talk to a younger version of ourselves.
Yeah, see how far you come in away, or don't comfort them, you
know, um, okay, well, I wouldlove to end on a um, happy note.
We've we've talked about griefand accepting a new version of
(37:41):
your life and identity, um, andwe've talked about support.
What are you grateful for whatare you grateful?
Elin (37:51):
for it's really interesting to feel this way,
but I feel grateful for all ofit.
I don't have any regrets.
I don't.
I really don't, which is sobizarre, knowing how painful
certain parts of this have been.
I couldn't have.
I wouldn't ask that for anyone,but for me having the life that
(38:16):
I have right now.
I'm I'm grateful that I've beenable to move and be a part of
my nephew's lives and meetPatricio, my partner, and have
this huge exploration in a wholeother part of the country.
I couldn't have expected.
I feel grateful for all of itand, underneath that, even this
(38:38):
gift that it is to have gonethrough some kind of loss for me
.
Is this really deep compassionfor people who have been through
something painful?
whether that's miscarriage,fertility issues or not.
It brings me to a level ofhumility.
There's a lot of things thathave come fairly easy for me in
(38:59):
my life and this feels like avery obvious, painful lack at
certain points, like I don't getto have this thing that I
really wanted and it allows meto feel really compassionate and
a lot of empathy for people whohave gone through hard times,
(39:21):
and that's being able to connectwith other people who are in a
painful place and not having toshy away from someone that's
struggling.
I feel super grateful for that.
Away from someone that'sstruggling, I feel super
grateful for that.
Parker (39:36):
I don't think there's enough of that in this world
right now, as people that cansay I don't know exactly what
you're going through, but I'vebeen through some pain and I can
identify that that's super hardand I can give you some grace,
yeah, so I do feel like empathyis very much needed in this
world, and I know that youexperience joy and a full life
(39:56):
and I know that you bless andcomfort the people around you,
and I'm just so grateful to havemet you and gotten to spend
time with you and, hopefully,that I get to share some of this
message with other people whomight need to hear it.
Elin (40:19):
Super honored to share it and to know you and be a friend
to you and be in each other'slives.
It's been awesome.
I look forward to more.
Parker (40:31):
All right.
Well, that is our time today,so thank you so much.
Thanks, parker.
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