June 17, 2025 • 37 mins
This week we dive into the transformative journey of parenthood with military spouse and mom of three Cali, exploring how she balances raising a toddler and identical twins while maintaining her personal identity and wellness.
We cover:
• The unexpected shift from career woman to stay-at-home mom
• The challenge of maintaining personal identity while dedicating yourself to motherhood
• The importance of finding community with other moms through free resources like library programs
• Strategic ways to incorporate self-care into busy mom life, even with limited time and resources
• The critical role of direct communication and co-parenting dynamics
• Practical suggestions for friends and family who want to support new moms without overstepping
• The powerful perspective that taking care of yourself is essential to being present for your children
About the Guest:
Cali Tolbert is a health and wellness professional and a Mom to a toddler and identical twins. Currently she teaches group fitness classes and stays at home with her children. Cali has her undergraduate in Kinesiology Exercise science and her Masters in Integrative Wellness. She holds certifications through ACSM, AFAA, and is a board certified health and wellness coach.
@cali_wellness
Resources:
- https://postpartum.net/
- Local Libraries
- Mom Support Groups on FB
- Postpartum yoga classes
Podcast Intro and Outro Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/moire/new-life
Thanks for listening! Find me @lessonstolearnbeforeyoudie. And if you enjoy the podcast, I'd really appreciate sharing the love (share an episode or leave me a review!)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Parker (00:00):
Hi and welcome.
Today we're joined by Cali.
Cali is a health and wellnessprofessional, a military spouse
and a mom to a toddler andidentical twins.
She currently teaches groupfitness classes and stays home
with her children.
So welcome, Cali.
Cali (00:17):
Hi, thanks for having me, parker, excited to talk today.
Parker (00:20):
Yeah, I'm excited to catch up to you and I like so in
awe because you just seem likea super mom, handling all of
your kids, illnesses and justyou know, keeping the whole
house together.
And I know you're moving soon,so I'm just I'm always impressed
by moms, but you know,especially you.
Cali (00:41):
Thank you.
We definitely have had somecraziness the past few months
with moving and sicknesses forlike a month round of sicknesses
and that was challenging withthree kids for the first time
experiencing that Um.
So yeah, we're all healthy fornow.
Hopefully for a long timehopefully for a long time.
Parker (00:56):
Yes, so, um, you have a boy and twin girls.
Was that something you alwayslike?
Knew you wanted to have kids ormultiple kids, or tell me about
that.
Cali (01:09):
Um, I, I think I always wanted growing up to be a mom
and was hoping to have kids, um,and I think I kind of always
wanted a boy and a girl, but Iwas going to be happy if I even
got, you know, one Um.
So to be a boy mom and have twogirls now is definitely like I
(01:30):
feel like exactly where I'mmeant to be, but I originally
thought maybe just like one ortwo, and my husband is um, one
of four, um, like siblings, sohe didn't really want more than
two and I wanted three kids, so.
So when we had twins I was likeI win, now we have three
Compromise two pregnancies,three kids.
Parker (01:50):
Yes.
Cali (01:50):
Yeah, but I definitely didn't imagine having twins.
But I knew I always wanted tobe a mom and, yeah, I just got
very thankful.
I'm just very thankful I dohave what I have now.
Parker (02:04):
It's funny, we actually know a lot of people with twins
because, if I'm thinking aboutit, you Kristen from high school
and from college, we know a lotof twin moms.
Cali (02:13):
Yes, and actually two of my bridesmaids both have
identical twins my friend Amandaand my friend Anne.
One has a twin identical twinboys and the other has twin
identical girls.
So we said maybe there'ssomething in the Jamie
Bridgewater water, be careful.
Yeah, it's very spontaneous tohave identical twins, like
(02:36):
there's paternal twins andidentical twins, and paternal
usually run in the family.
As people would say.
Identical twins are one babyforms and it's really bored so
it's like I'm just gonna makeanother baby to hang out with me
.
So, yeah, we were verysurprised to have twins.
Was not expecting that portion,um at all, but yeah, kind of
crazy.
Parker (02:55):
So many people have twins that we know at least you
know you have somebody else totalk to then and hopefully kind
of uh, figure it out together.
Cali (03:04):
Yes, yes, yeah, have twin support.
Parker (03:06):
Yeah, obviously we've just talked about how being a
mom has turned out slightlydifferently than you anticipated
or expected, not just becauseof having twins, but also
because I think your originalintention was to work full-time
and now you're working part-timeand then staying at home with
the kids the rest of the time.
So kind of what changed afteryou gave birth to make that
(03:32):
switch?
Cali (03:33):
Yeah, I remember when I was pregnant so many people were
asking, like, are you going tocontinue to work?
And I was like, absolutely,like I would never be able to
stay home with kids.
I always want to have a purposeis what I kind of thought.
I always want to have my workbecause I really really enjoyed
working.
At that time I was fitnesswellness coordinator at San
(03:54):
Diego State, so I got to mentorstudents, I got to, you know,
train people that teach likecredit courses and the whole
fitness program and wellnessprograms and initiatives.
So I enjoyed what I was doingso much that I never thought I
was going to quit.
And then some people, you know,feel connected to their babies
(04:14):
when they're pregnant, some atbirth, some people like later,
after birth, and Max, my first,he's three and a half now.
As soon as he was born, I waslike there's like nothing else
that's more important, importantthan this.
So I remember having thatconversation as I started to get
closer, going back to work withmy husband, and he was like you
(04:37):
know I can tell you're reallystressed out about this.
Um, let's, you know, go back towork.
It goes.
But no, like I'll support youno matter what.
And I think it's different forevery family.
You know, some people are likeyou know, um, you know, I don't
want to stay at home, and that'stotally fine.
Um, some people do want to stayat home, and that's totally
fine too, and you're maybe notable to do what you want to do
(04:58):
at the time, but depends onfinancial status and whether you
need health insurance and allthese other factors, and I was
experiencing a lot of postpartumanxiety too, so that
contributed as well.
So I went back to work for Ithink like three or four months
and since my husband military,he had 12 hour days.
(05:20):
I was doing drop off, I wasdoing pickup, I was doing all
the bottles for daycare, I wasdoing drop off, I was doing
pickup, I was doing all thebottles for daycare, I was
making dinner, I was handlingour two fur babies as well, and
it was completely, utterlyexhausting for me doing that all
by myself.
We don't have family out here.
So that switch kind of fromwhen he was born to when I
started to return to work iswhere I kind of knew and I was
(05:42):
really heartbroken because Ireally loved what I did at work
and I was lucky enough to have aboss who was supportive and
said you know, you, you can dopart-time if you want to.
We can work something out.
But for me personally for, likemy mental health it was good to
just like slow down with max.
It was not rushing in themorning to get out of the house
(06:05):
to make drop off, to come backto rushing to leave work early,
to come home to rushing to washall the bottles and get dinner
and then get him to bed on time.
So it worked out like exactlyhow it was meant to, I think,
and like I got to spend so muchtime with him and that was again
just better.
For me personally, it was stillcrazy, but yeah, not having
(06:27):
family help and everything.
That was like what worked bestfor us and I'm thankful that we
were able to do that and itworked out.
Parker (06:35):
I imagine it's also like .
I mean, it's really hard, Ithink, like you said, being kind
of on your own for the mostpart, if your husband has a
demeaning job, um to to workfull-time and have kids, like I
imagine.
Also financially it's quiteexpensive.
So I feel like it.
It is hard to juggle both and Iadmire those who do, but I
(06:57):
don't know if society isnecessarily set up to make it
easy.
Cali (07:01):
Yeah, I mean, I think like 70% of my paycheck was just
going towards daycare.
Um, it was an excessive amount.
Parker (07:08):
And then you're like I'm running around doing all this
and for like pennies, yeah.
Cali (07:12):
Yes, and it's more like if you need the health insurance.
I know a lot of people stillwant to work and thankfully I
was covered by my husband, so weactually probably ended up
saving money by me just stayinghome too, because there's not a
lot of jobs that pay likeexcessively and especially now
with three kids, there's no job,I think, in this world that
would afford daycare for allthree kids right now.
(07:33):
So unless you have like againfamily health, that can come
watch, but yeah, not set up tobe successful.
Parker (07:41):
So you decided to shift gears.
But what do you think thehardest part about being a mom
was in that transition phase.
Cali (07:51):
I think the hardest part about being a mom during that
was like taking care of myselfbecause you love this.
You know baby or your baby somuch that you're constantly
doing whatever they need andwanting to make them happy and
(08:12):
you're giving giving.
Giving not a lot ofappreciation, because you know
babies can't really show that.
Besides, you know cuddles andthings like that.
But I'm someone who likes toknow I'm doing a good job and
there is no validation in thatto be like like you're doing a
good job.
As a mom, you just kind of feellike you're struggling each day
and making it through and doingthe best that you can each day.
So just kind of taking time totake care of yourself because
(08:36):
you're exhausted from takingcare of another human that you
kind of neglect.
Things that you might need iswhether it's as simple as like a
shower or having a socialconnection with a friend.
Um, I think that was thehardest part for me and kind of
still still is.
Parker (08:51):
What would you give some tips to other new moms to help
during that transition?
To be like quote unquotehealthy healthy.
Cali (09:00):
Um, it's important to kind of identify, I think, for you
what you need to be healthier on.
I mean, sleep is kind ofimpossible because you can't
really control that.
Luckily, max slept at like fourmonths through the night and,
you know, had regressions hereor there, but my twins are
almost one and have sleptthrough the night together eight
times in their whole life.
(09:20):
So that's not something I canreally control and they need me
all the time.
So for me, like sleep isn'tsomething that I can get a lot
of help with, but I can controllike my hydration, I can control
like staying on top of, likeeating, so I'm not, you know,
exhausted and going, you know,running on empty.
I can make time to, you know, besocial with other moms and find
(09:41):
that community.
So I think for, in terms oflike habits for other moms, like
having a community of othermoms or something that you can
feel connected with and, youknow, still bring your babies
utilizing free resources likepublic libraries will sometimes
do, you know, baby sign languagewe did that with Max so much
and then like reading time orbaby play dates, that kind of
(10:03):
knocks two birds with one stone,you know.
You get out of the house andthen you get to talk to other
moms who are also going throughit and just having that
community really kind of helpsyou push, push through and get
by and gives you something tolook forward to each week so
that you kind of have a schedule.
Otherwise it can be really easyto just like stay at home and,
you know, worry about things,but getting outside like
(10:26):
completely helps us when we'rehaving a hard time.
Parker (10:29):
Just a little bit of sunshine so like taking walks or
whatever, like, like you saidthere are some free resources um
the library one's super smartyeah are there any other ways
that you would suggest momsdeveloping like community of
moms, like Facebook groups orthings like that?
Cali (10:47):
Yeah, it's funny Cause I think for like this round, I've
used a lot of like twin momsupport groups through Facebook
or things like that.
But with Max, honestly, it wasthrough some of like the
military resources that we hadand I met moms there.
Or even just like going to aplayground and you see another
kid with like similar age,things like that, and you just
(11:07):
start talking.
You just kind of have to forceyourself to be a little bit more
social.
There are some like mom, likemommy workout groups too, that
I've seen around too.
That can be pretty cool.
So, find something that, likeyou're interested in doing as
well, that you can incorporateyour baby into, I think.
Think that's um like a good wayto input it.
Or, you know, if you're goingto walk with a friend on the
(11:27):
weekend who, um, you know,doesn't have a kid, can you know
you could bring your baby andgo do that and, um again, knock
out some physical activity andget some social connection in Um
.
So, yeah, those are just somekind of little tips there that
you could use.
Parker (11:42):
I love that.
What has been the best surpriseabout being a mom?
Cali (11:48):
Oh, I think it's just so rewarding sometimes and within
all the like challenging timesand like those hard parts, when
you do get like some of theserewarding or like surprises, it
makes up like completely for anyof the bad times that you've
had in that day.
I think right now the biggestthing is seeing my son, max,
(12:09):
interact with the twins and likemaking them laugh, or if, like
all three kids are laughing atme, my heart just kind of like
explodes.
It's just like unbelievablecuteness, with like all three of
them laughing and giggling andyou know, max helping his
sisters.
Like seeing their interactionhas been really surprising for
me and like just so rewarding tobe like, okay, they're doing
(12:31):
really great.
You know, like at times I feellike it's a little crazy but
like we're managing and, um, youknow they're happy, they're
loved, they're careful, caredfor and you know that's really
what matters at the end of theday.
Parker (12:43):
Well, and I also feel like in the early years it
probably is incrediblychallenging for different
reasons than perhaps you know,like teenage years, but those
early years have so manydevelopmental milestones that I
imagine that it gives a lot ofkind of like little
opportunities for celebration asyou see them learn how to be
(13:05):
like a human.
Cali (13:06):
Yes, yeah, the girls are kind of you know, in that stage
right now where they're takingtheir first um.
You know, like standing bythemselves and um saying like
they're trying to say max, soClara will go, like Matt, Matt,
and she'll be looking for him inhis room, so it's so cute.
That's another like rewardingpart is just seeing them learn
and, you know, stand bythemselves and you know, like
(13:30):
play peekaboo or like interactwith each other.
Yeah, All those littlemilestones you like get such
like a big heart melting,feeling like, oh my gosh,
they're accomplishing these.
That's amazing, yeah.
Parker (13:41):
I know that a lot of.
I talked to somebody else thatI'm close with who actually
started going to therapy becausethey felt like they were kind
of losing a little bit of theiridentity outside of mom, because
especially in those early yearsit is, and especially if you
take home, you stay at home, itbecomes a very kind of all
encompassing aspect of your life.
(14:02):
Right Like you spend all ofyour time trying to take care of
this little one that's soreliant on you, have you found
it to be hard to maintain anidentity like outside of mom?
Cali (14:14):
Absolutely I.
After I stayed home with Max,it was like the first few months
we were, you know, like feelinggreat, and then after a few
months I was just like great.
And then after a few months Iwas just like I'm just mom, like
there's no other activitiesthat I'm doing, it's just taking
care of this baby, which I loveso much.
And it's so hard because youdon't want to be away from them
(14:36):
but at the same time you need alittle bit of your own identity
to hold on to.
So I think it was about a yearafter he was, after I left
full-time, a year after he was,after I left full time, I came
back and started teaching groupfitness classes part-time and
that was so good for my mentalhealth even if it was just an
hour to three a week to go andbe able to have something that I
(14:57):
enjoy doing and getting againinteraction with you know,
adults and not just kind ofbabies around Um.
But that was probably the bestthing I did and still do now
with the girls.
Um, it's definitely decreased.
It was just harder to do stuffwith three, but, um, I teach
like cycling now on the weekendsand, um, that really helps me,
(15:20):
like so much to know that I havesomething that's just mine,
that I get to, you know, do forme and me solely so that, yeah,
that it's huge and it's reallyhard to maintain your own
identity within that.
You kind of lose track of thingsthat you love doing.
And I think the other thingthat helps me is knowing that
all of this is temporary, likeit's just a season, and you know
(15:44):
it's not my time to go out todinner with a bunch of
girlfriends from like five to 8PM, but I will be able to do
that in like another year whenthe girls are a little bit older
and like don't rely on me asmuch.
But you know I can do a weekendlike walk with a friend.
So I think trying to like fityour identity into different
ways that you you know they'repossible is just hard in itself
(16:07):
to to figure out.
Okay, how can I be me and howcan I incorporate that with,
like, our lifestyle?
Parker (16:12):
Yeah, when I imagine there are, like you said, like
different seasons, kind ofdepending on where they're
developmental or theiractivities, cause once they get
older I'm sure there'll be, youknow, maybe in sports or things
like that.
And then I'm sure you'reattending all of these games and
stuff, but I feel like from myperspective, it is probably
(16:33):
positive to show your kids thatyou have things for yourself, so
that it's almost like anexample for them later.
I mean, obviously you're notabandoning their needs, but it's
like I feel like prioritizingyourself shows them that you can
accomplish things and that youcan be a human and a person and
have interests, and almostencourage them to do things
(16:57):
themselves or to have things forthemselves, as you have as well
have as well.
Cali (17:08):
Yeah, yeah, I, 1000%.
I agree with that.
It's hard to like not feelguilty leaving them, but it is
so important for them to see youhave your own time and it helps
everybody, even though it canbe hard to make that happen.
And I remember when I went toteach um cycling, um, like two
months ago, my toddler, um Max,was like like oh, why do you
have to go teach cycle?
Can I come?
And I was like you know, no,mommy has to go.
(17:30):
Like you have to be 18 to go.
And um, he, like guilt, trippedme hard and I was like this is
one hour, this is the one hour aweek that mommy goes and does
something for herself.
You know, like I'll be back,we'll play.
And then, like the next um, itwas like the next day or two, he
was down here trying to ride myfitness bike.
(17:51):
So, like he understood, like,oh, like you know mommy's going
and riding a bike, like, so Iwent.
So it was kind of like helearned, like oh, it's important
to like exercise, um, maybe inhis head, but yeah, it's funny,
he was really trying to guilttrip me there, but I was like
it's better for everybody andyou get to spend time with dad
too, like undivided attentionthere.
So it's good for them to see youhave something and especially,
(18:15):
like the moms who work full timeand everything, it's so good
for them to see like, oh, likeyou know, my mom can, you know,
do all of this and still takecare of me.
So it goes both ways and I feellike it's so challenging again
to figure out like what worksbest.
But yeah, it's good to havesome separation, as much as you
want to be with them all thetime sometimes, or you know just
(18:36):
like need it.
Parker (18:37):
Yeah, do you think it kind of helps provide some like
small independence, because Iimagine eventually you want them
to be like independent andhaving little bits where they
kind of miss you or whatever.
Cali (18:49):
Yeah, for sure.
I think it totally helps withtheir independence and, just you
know, letting them, lettingthem figure out what to do
without mom for a little bit how?
Parker (18:58):
how do you counteract the mom guilt Cause I am not a
mom, but every mom I've talkedto has mentioned mom guilt, like
how?
Cali (19:07):
do you?
Yeah, how do you counteractthat?
Yeah, um, I think I'm stilltrying to figure it out.
Um, but even with three, I, youknow, I go out and I just feel
like horrible that the girls arelike crying for dad while
they're trying to get down for anap, cause they rely on me so
much.
Yeah, um, but yeah, I'm likethey're crying now.
(19:28):
They're like, oh, mom, don'tget me up from nap.
But like I know my sister's gotit so putting in my head, like
you know my sister or you knowDaniel's capable of doing this,
like they're in good hands,they're safe.
Um, and like I know I will bebetter refreshed when I come
back, and I do whenever I teach,like a class on the weekend, or
I just go to the grocery storeby myself or, you know, do
physical therapy, like I didthis morning, I come back with
(19:51):
so much more energy and so muchmore patience and it essentially
like makes me a better in abetter mood to be a better mom
for that day, whereas if it'sjust me kind of here and not
getting a break, like thepatience runs low, especially
when there's lack of sleep.
So, um, yeah, you just have tokind of battle it and I, I see a
counselor too.
So I'm like, or you know,seeing a counselor if you're
(20:15):
able to, and, um, you know,stresses happen and it's okay to
ask for help.
So, um, we like talk abouttactics and like mind shifts and
things like that.
So it better helps me to kindof handle whatever's you know
going on for the day.
Parker (20:31):
Yeah, You're more capable if you're like at least
filling into yourself a littlebit.
Cali (20:36):
Yeah.
Parker (20:36):
Yeah, for sure, that makes sense.
You mentioned your sister'sthere and I know she doesn't
live there, but she's visiting.
What do you think are somehelpful things that others can
do for new moms withoutoverstepping?
Cali (20:52):
Yeah, that, I think, is different to a family versus
like friends.
My family, I'm not like ashamedto be like hey, can you wash
bottles for me?
Like, hey, can you take thebaby or can you walk the dogs?
Um, it's easy to give moredirection with family.
I think, especially if it'smore like your family versus
(21:13):
like a mother-in-law orfather-in-law, might be more
difficult to relay that.
So, um, with friends, I thinkthe most helpful thing.
Um, I had a friend who cameover and just said hey, I want
to come over for an hour.
She had a toddler and she'slike you know, my son can play
with Max.
I want to wash bottles or doanything.
Does you know this thisSaturday?
(21:34):
You know what time for an hourwould work this Saturday, and it
wasn't.
Versus just saying like, hey, isthere anything I can do for you
?
Cause I think as a mom you haveso much going on in your brain
and if someone asks you, youknow what else or what can they
do.
Sometimes for me at least, it'sthere's so many things, but I
(21:55):
don't want to burden you withthem, so I'm going to just say
like oh no, we're good, butthanks for offering like so
sweet, but inside.
I'm like there are a hundreddifferent things in the back of
my head that I would love helpwith, but I feel guilty like
asking for help.
So I've been a little bitbetter now with the twins of you
know asking for help if I need,like my neighbor, like hey, can
you come over and watch thegirls for 10 minutes so I can
(22:17):
just walk the dogs really quick,or you know little things like
that.
Um, but for, like, new moms,like in the early stages, I
think the meal trains were crazyhelpful because everybody needs
to eat, everybody needs tohydrate.
You know like things like thatcan be done.
So if a mom doesn't have a mealtrain set up, you can message
(22:37):
her and say like hey, do youhave a meal train set up?
If not, can I set up somethingfor you?
How many meals a week?
Can I set up something for you?
How many meals a week?
We have a spouse group.
We have a spouse group and inthat spouse group they always
set up a meal chain for new momsand they set up.
You know we went two days aweek or however much you want,
donating gift cards, but thatwas super crazy helpful for us
(23:00):
and it was a way, like you said,we're not overstepping, because
sometimes, if you're in thetrenches, you don't want company
over.
Sometimes you do so givingoptions being like hey, I want
to come over and help you.
Would it be more helpful tohold the baby so you can sleep
or do laundry?
Yeah, and like would Saturdaywork?
Or when Monday?
But like giving options versusjust like let me know a date
(23:21):
that works, because maybe thatworks for some people, but for
me it didn't.
Parker (23:29):
I was like giving options helps narrow it down,
Right, Because if it's too openended you're like I don't know
dude or like, but if you're liketwo or three options of
activities or dates, you're likeokay, this works, and if one of
them didn't work you'd be likeno, but actually I need this, or
would this time work?
And I feel like it just givesyou something a starting place
to bounce off of.
I like the laundry idea too,because I imagine you go through
a lot of laundry, it'sliterally laundry every single
(23:52):
day, and I used to.
Cali (23:53):
I used to make fun of my old roommate because she would
do her laundry and put it in thedry or put it in the hamper and
it was clean and it would staythere for like a week.
And he was like why don't youjust fold it on the same day?
And I always messaged her andI'm like I have two bins of
laundry that I've been sittingthere for three days, like I
know what you felt now, um, butI was also going to say to just
(24:13):
it doesn't hurt, though, to justsay like hey, I'm here for you
If you need anything.
The power of those words doeshold a lot to a new mom.
So even if you're not able tolike do much and just be like a
venting ear or things like that,that can go a long way too if
you're not able to likephysically set up something or
come over.
But gosh, I had a mom who justI don't know her like crazy well
, but I met her a few times andshe saw one of my stories that I
(24:37):
was struggling so hard on sleepand she was like hey, what's
your email?
And I sent it to her and shesent me a Starbucks gift card.
It was like, please go treatyourself to coffee.
And I'm like I barely even knowthis mom and you know just like
kind little gestures, gestureslike that really go a long way.
Parker (24:54):
You know, that's amazing Um, I have a lot of friends who
I feel like are having babies,so I always want to know what I
can do for them because, Ihaven't been through it and I
don't know, and I imagine it'spretty overwhelming when you're
a mom for the first time,because it's I don't know if mom
tuition really like kicks inimmediately.
(25:14):
I feel like I would be likeGoogling everything, like is
this normal?
Cali (25:17):
I still Google sometimes and I have three, but I'm still
like, is this normal?
Like what is this?
How much it's the first timeyou hit three right, so yeah
yeah, yeah, oh yeah, you stilluse dr google, I think, even now
um, I, yeah, I definitely feellike the identity thing and the
health thing are two importantaspects about being a mom.
Parker (25:40):
That's like you are still a person outside of that
um and I heard this, thisquestion, phrased once that like
was to a parent and it was likeevery parent says they're
willing to like die for theirkids.
And then I was like but are youwilling to live for your kids?
Like, are you willing tomaintain your own health and
(26:02):
well-being enough that you'reactually like living for them
and sticking around for them too, like, and I think that is.
It was really powerful when Iheard it and I'm not even a mom,
so I can't imagine.
Cali (26:14):
Yeah, oh gosh, yeah, that is such a powerful quote.
I've heard that as well.
And yeah, it's like if youagain aren't taking care of
yourself, you're not going to beable to kind of like,
physically keep up with thethings that at hand.
And again, if you're notaddressing, like, your mental
health and you're doing yourselflike a disservice to take care
of yourself, and if you're not,you know, trying to get a little
(26:37):
bit stronger, things like thatit's going to be harder for you.
So there's so much that goes on.
Like no one should feel guiltyfor not doing something.
But when you look at it interms of, like what can I do to
make myself better for my kids,then it clicks a little bit more
.
And you're like, okay, like Ido want to, you know, do some
cardio or do some strengthtraining so I'm able to carry
both of my toes at the same time.
(26:57):
Like you know little thingslike that.
So you have to find the rightmotivation to do that.
And I feel like that quote is sopowerful because pretty much
everybody, like you said, woulddie for your kids.
But you're like I have to takecare of myself in order to do
that.
Just like that airplane.
Um, like the mask quote, youknow, before taking care of
others, like you're not going tobe able to help them if you're
not taking care of yourself, andyou get so drained out, giving
(27:20):
your energy away, that it's hardto focus on yourself for sure.
Um, yeah, just one little thingat a time.
You can't do it all.
Parker (27:28):
Yeah, I imagine most moms feel like there's not a lot
of time and I imagine likeprioritizing one aspect for
yourself and either finding waysto fit it into your life, like
while the kids are done for anap, doing some at home Pilates,
youtube video or something orlike yeah, like you said, going
(27:49):
on a walk with your kids, or youknow, and I know it, like
everybody's situation isdifferent depending on finances,
whether they're a single parentor not, whether they're, you
know, spouses home or not.
But if you have a spouse who isaround, like, I imagine that you
(28:10):
could advocate for like hey, Ineed this hour a week to do
something for myself.
Yeah, and hopefully you wouldreciprocate right, like yes.
Cali (28:20):
Yeah.
Parker (28:20):
I'm a firm believer that like dads are not babysitting,
they're like parents.
But I personally, I feel likeif I could be a dad instead of a
mom, I would want to be aparent far more likely, because
I feel like they get praised fordoing anything, whereas I feel
like moms are expected and thenget criticized if they don't go
(28:44):
way above and beyond when it'slike men get yeah, yeah, I went
to like a work function, Iremember, with Max and it was
seven months and someone waslike, well, who's watching the
baby?
Cali (28:55):
and like, like he's with his dad and they're like, oh,
that's so nice of him, like it'shis dad, like, yeah, he's a
good parent.
He shows up like he's notbabysitting, like, and sometimes
I say like Daniel's watchingthem, but like he would also say
like Cali's at home watchingthem, but I try to be really
careful with that.
(29:15):
But, yeah, having like twinsnow I think I'm really good and
Daniel and I are both a lot.
My husband, daniel's, and I area lot better at explaining what
we need and when, like herecognizes when I'm really
overwhelmed and it's like youknow, why don't you go lay down?
I will take the kids for youknow, 30 minutes to an hour like
(29:38):
go lay down.
Or I'll tell him like, hey, Ireally just need to like go do
something, whether it's like thegym or target or coffee run,
like I just I need to get outfor a little bit, and we're
really good at communicating.
I think this now.
It was really hard initially tofigure that out and be direct
about what we need, but I thinkwe both do a better job now of
like recognizing and then askingthe other person like hey, what
do you need to again show upand be fully here, whether it's
(30:02):
sleep or just time out or umexercise?
You know things like that.
Yeah, it's, it's takes two.
Parker (30:11):
I imagine that transition to like as a couple
is is huge.
Do you have any tips around,like figuring out how to be
parents together, Because it'snot just on you?
Cali (30:22):
Yeah, I think with Max it was really hard initially,
initially and I think probablyfirst time moms it's always
going to be hard and figure itout and we did some couples
counseling together to help withthat um.
But I think with twins it waskind of like we were supposed to
have twins because it actuallygave me like I could not do both
(30:44):
at the same time all the time.
So like I have to be okay, tobe like okay, like you take
Claire, I take Emma or you knowwe switch um.
So now we are both doing like50 50 of everything, whereas
when it was just Max, like Iheld him all the time, I did
most of the things because I wasstaying at home with him.
And now it's like we're bothfully present, splitting things
like tag teaming, everything, um.
(31:04):
But initially like just couplescounseling helped because it's
hard to communicate with, likewe're both fully present,
splitting things like tagteaming everything, but
initially like just couplescounseling helped because it's
hard to communicate with whatyou need and again, especially
on lack of sleep, that makeseverything so difficult and like
Tighten emotions.
Parker (31:21):
I'm sure.
Cali (31:21):
Yeah, yeah, emotions are high, like stress is high and
versus like being resentfulbecause I was so resentful that
Daniel got to go to workinitially when I was staying
home like, well, he gets to goand have a break all day, but in
reality he's going to work andlike having a full day.
Then coming home to, you know,chaos at home, and I'll say now
(31:42):
with, like, the twins, and thathe comes home in a good mood,
like somehow he can switch,maybe have his time like
decompressing at home, but thenas soon as the you know
everybody goes down, it's likeokay, like we finally have a
little bit of calm, like youknow, now we can have our own
time, but you really just don'thave time to do your own thing,
like, and if you're going towork and coming back again, like
(32:05):
if I was working full time, Ihave no idea how I would like
handle that, even like drop-offsand pickups and things like
that.
So, um, yeah, we work a lotbetter now with having the twins
, because you're kind of forcedto adapt and learn in that.
But, yeah, it's helped usbecome, I think, better at
parenting together by havingmore kids, which is kind of
(32:25):
funny.
Um, but yeah, we justcommunicate a lot better and,
like you know, you have to stepup because there's more kids,
which is kind of funny.
But yeah, we just communicate alot better and, like you know,
you have to step up becausethere's more kids than adults,
like somebody has to have a kidat all times.
Parker (32:37):
Yeah, so I'm guessing it's like communicating your
needs, maybe having some privateconversations later, like after
the kids go to bed about whatyou need like after the kids go
to bed, about what you need.
Cali (32:51):
Um, yeah, like it's hard to be direct and in a positive
way versus just being resentfuland being like you know you need
to do this or you know now.
It's like, hey, bottles need tobe done and max needs a shower.
Like which one do you want todo?
Parker (33:01):
um, so like just communicating that with and
giving options, but do you guyshave like standard, you do this,
he does that.
Or do you guys just likestandard, you do this, he does
that.
Or do you guys just kind oftake it day by day and it's like
here's things that need to getdone, who wants to take what?
Cali (33:14):
I think now we've kind of gotten to a good realm of like,
what is his task and what's mine, but we still offer Um, but
like, since I'm primarily likepumping mostly and you're still
a little bit, but since I'mpumping a lot, like I hate
washing the bottles, I hatewashing the pump parts, so like
he does that at the end of theday and he's cleaning.
Yes, he's cooking, I'm doing allthe laundry.
(33:34):
He doesn't touch the laundry.
I hate cooking.
I have to do it sometimes.
But, um, yeah, he's like cook,I'm cleaning, cleaning, I'm like
getting the girls down, usuallyfor bed.
He's usually helping with Maxand doing, like, bath time with
the kids.
Um, but yeah, some of thosethings are interchangeable.
Like, um, you know, do you wantto start Max's bath and um,
(33:56):
I'll get the girls changed orwe'll switch so that we both are
spending time, um, with everykid, you know but you've also
experienced solo parenting rightBecause he's been deployed,
since you've had kids.
Parker (34:09):
So, then would you suggest, like paying for an hour
or asking somebody to come overfor an hour, like if you are
solo?
Are there other tips that youwould would give somebody if
they don't have somebody verylucky to have a lot of family
(34:30):
come out and like take shifts.
Cali (34:31):
So if Daniel was gone for like three weeks, I had like my
sister come out and mymother-in-law and then my mom,
um, but I honestly, I just nowgot a babysitter.
About two months ago it took methis long to feel comfortable
finding someone to watch thekids that I didn't know so much
and, um, I wish I would havedone it sooner because she's
come over and just like takingthe girls on a wagon ride and I
(34:51):
have literally just like sathere for like 30 minutes or like
stretched, or I took Maxindividually to a swim lesson
while she stayed here with thegirls and I had solo time with
Max.
So, yeah, if you can afford it Iknow some people say like three
days a week they'll have help,or, um, you know, if it's just
every Friday, you have like atwo to three hour block and you
(35:12):
schedule all of yourappointments that you might need
then, cause that's the otherthings I schedule, like my
dentist, and you know all theseappointments around when
family's coming and they're allcoming from the East coast to
California, so it's not reallyfeasible, but we've been lucky
to have great family support.
But yeah, I just found thatbabysitter and now I'm like
we're moving and I'm like got tostart another one, it'll be
(35:33):
okay, probably take another fouryears.
Parker (35:36):
Um, okay, so uh, as we wrap up, if you could go back
and talk to you when you justhad Max, kind of, what would you
say to yourself if you couldtalk to Cali three years ago?
Cali (35:50):
Well, I wish I could show her what she's doing now,
because I remember thinking onebaby was so challenging.
Now am I ever going to getthrough this?
And now I'm doing three kidsplus two dogs and like doing
that.
So I think, like telling myself, you know, it's important that
they're cared for, they're fedand they're loved.
(36:10):
And if you're doing thosethings, um, you know you're
doing great to not be so likehard on yourself and um, expect
these, you know standards, likeyou're going to have meltdowns,
you're going to have good days,you're going to have bad, and um
, yeah, take care of yourselfand know that you're doing a
really good job.
And um, you'll make it.
(36:31):
You'll make it through it andit's just a season.
That's literally what I wouldprobably tell myself to make it
a little easier.
Parker (36:39):
Well, thank you so much for joining us today.
Cali (36:42):
Thank you so much for having me.
It was good to talk to you.
Hi and welcome.
Today we're joined by Cali.
Cali is a health and wellnessprofessional, a military spouse
and a mom to a toddler andidentical twins.
She currently teaches groupfitness classes and stays home
with her children.
So welcome, Cali.
Cali (00:17):
Hi, thanks for having me, parker, excited to talk today.
Parker (00:20):
Yeah, I'm excited to catch up to you and I like so in
awe because you just seem likea super mom, handling all of
your kids, illnesses and justyou know, keeping the whole
house together.
And I know you're moving soon,so I'm just I'm always impressed
by moms, but you know,especially you.
Cali (00:41):
Thank you.
We definitely have had somecraziness the past few months
with moving and sicknesses forlike a month round of sicknesses
and that was challenging withthree kids for the first time
experiencing that Um.
So yeah, we're all healthy fornow.
Hopefully for a long timehopefully for a long time.
Parker (00:56):
Yes, so, um, you have a boy and twin girls.
Was that something you alwayslike?
Knew you wanted to have kids ormultiple kids, or tell me about
that.
Cali (01:09):
Um, I, I think I always wanted growing up to be a mom
and was hoping to have kids, um,and I think I kind of always
wanted a boy and a girl, but Iwas going to be happy if I even
got, you know, one Um.
So to be a boy mom and have twogirls now is definitely like I
(01:30):
feel like exactly where I'mmeant to be, but I originally
thought maybe just like one ortwo, and my husband is um, one
of four, um, like siblings, sohe didn't really want more than
two and I wanted three kids, so.
So when we had twins I was likeI win, now we have three
Compromise two pregnancies,three kids.
Parker (01:50):
Yes.
Cali (01:50):
Yeah, but I definitely didn't imagine having twins.
But I knew I always wanted tobe a mom and, yeah, I just got
very thankful.
I'm just very thankful I dohave what I have now.
Parker (02:04):
It's funny, we actually know a lot of people with twins
because, if I'm thinking aboutit, you Kristen from high school
and from college, we know a lotof twin moms.
Cali (02:13):
Yes, and actually two of my bridesmaids both have
identical twins my friend Amandaand my friend Anne.
One has a twin identical twinboys and the other has twin
identical girls.
So we said maybe there'ssomething in the Jamie
Bridgewater water, be careful.
Yeah, it's very spontaneous tohave identical twins, like
(02:36):
there's paternal twins andidentical twins, and paternal
usually run in the family.
As people would say.
Identical twins are one babyforms and it's really bored so
it's like I'm just gonna makeanother baby to hang out with me
.
So, yeah, we were verysurprised to have twins.
Was not expecting that portion,um at all, but yeah, kind of
crazy.
Parker (02:55):
So many people have twins that we know at least you
know you have somebody else totalk to then and hopefully kind
of uh, figure it out together.
Cali (03:04):
Yes, yes, yeah, have twin support.
Parker (03:06):
Yeah, obviously we've just talked about how being a
mom has turned out slightlydifferently than you anticipated
or expected, not just becauseof having twins, but also
because I think your originalintention was to work full-time
and now you're working part-timeand then staying at home with
the kids the rest of the time.
So kind of what changed afteryou gave birth to make that
(03:32):
switch?
Cali (03:33):
Yeah, I remember when I was pregnant so many people were
asking, like, are you going tocontinue to work?
And I was like, absolutely,like I would never be able to
stay home with kids.
I always want to have a purposeis what I kind of thought.
I always want to have my workbecause I really really enjoyed
working.
At that time I was fitnesswellness coordinator at San
(03:54):
Diego State, so I got to mentorstudents, I got to, you know,
train people that teach likecredit courses and the whole
fitness program and wellnessprograms and initiatives.
So I enjoyed what I was doingso much that I never thought I
was going to quit.
And then some people, you know,feel connected to their babies
(04:14):
when they're pregnant, some atbirth, some people like later,
after birth, and Max, my first,he's three and a half now.
As soon as he was born, I waslike there's like nothing else
that's more important, importantthan this.
So I remember having thatconversation as I started to get
closer, going back to work withmy husband, and he was like you
(04:37):
know I can tell you're reallystressed out about this.
Um, let's, you know, go back towork.
It goes.
But no, like I'll support youno matter what.
And I think it's different forevery family.
You know, some people are likeyou know, um, you know, I don't
want to stay at home, and that'stotally fine.
Um, some people do want to stayat home, and that's totally
fine too, and you're maybe notable to do what you want to do
(04:58):
at the time, but depends onfinancial status and whether you
need health insurance and allthese other factors, and I was
experiencing a lot of postpartumanxiety too, so that
contributed as well.
So I went back to work for Ithink like three or four months
and since my husband military,he had 12 hour days.
(05:20):
I was doing drop off, I wasdoing pickup, I was doing all
the bottles for daycare, I wasdoing drop off, I was doing
pickup, I was doing all thebottles for daycare, I was
making dinner, I was handlingour two fur babies as well, and
it was completely, utterlyexhausting for me doing that all
by myself.
We don't have family out here.
So that switch kind of fromwhen he was born to when I
started to return to work iswhere I kind of knew and I was
(05:42):
really heartbroken because Ireally loved what I did at work
and I was lucky enough to have aboss who was supportive and
said you know, you, you can dopart-time if you want to.
We can work something out.
But for me personally for, likemy mental health it was good to
just like slow down with max.
It was not rushing in themorning to get out of the house
(06:05):
to make drop off, to come backto rushing to leave work early,
to come home to rushing to washall the bottles and get dinner
and then get him to bed on time.
So it worked out like exactlyhow it was meant to, I think,
and like I got to spend so muchtime with him and that was again
just better.
For me personally, it was stillcrazy, but yeah, not having
(06:27):
family help and everything.
That was like what worked bestfor us and I'm thankful that we
were able to do that and itworked out.
Parker (06:35):
I imagine it's also like .
I mean, it's really hard, Ithink, like you said, being kind
of on your own for the mostpart, if your husband has a
demeaning job, um to to workfull-time and have kids, like I
imagine.
Also financially it's quiteexpensive.
So I feel like it.
It is hard to juggle both and Iadmire those who do, but I
(06:57):
don't know if society isnecessarily set up to make it
easy.
Cali (07:01):
Yeah, I mean, I think like 70% of my paycheck was just
going towards daycare.
Um, it was an excessive amount.
Parker (07:08):
And then you're like I'm running around doing all this
and for like pennies, yeah.
Cali (07:12):
Yes, and it's more like if you need the health insurance.
I know a lot of people stillwant to work and thankfully I
was covered by my husband, so weactually probably ended up
saving money by me just stayinghome too, because there's not a
lot of jobs that pay likeexcessively and especially now
with three kids, there's no job,I think, in this world that
would afford daycare for allthree kids right now.
(07:33):
So unless you have like againfamily health, that can come
watch, but yeah, not set up tobe successful.
Parker (07:41):
So you decided to shift gears.
But what do you think thehardest part about being a mom
was in that transition phase.
Cali (07:51):
I think the hardest part about being a mom during that
was like taking care of myselfbecause you love this.
You know baby or your baby somuch that you're constantly
doing whatever they need andwanting to make them happy and
(08:12):
you're giving giving.
Giving not a lot ofappreciation, because you know
babies can't really show that.
Besides, you know cuddles andthings like that.
But I'm someone who likes toknow I'm doing a good job and
there is no validation in thatto be like like you're doing a
good job.
As a mom, you just kind of feellike you're struggling each day
and making it through and doingthe best that you can each day.
So just kind of taking time totake care of yourself because
(08:36):
you're exhausted from takingcare of another human that you
kind of neglect.
Things that you might need iswhether it's as simple as like a
shower or having a socialconnection with a friend.
Um, I think that was thehardest part for me and kind of
still still is.
Parker (08:51):
What would you give some tips to other new moms to help
during that transition?
To be like quote unquotehealthy healthy.
Cali (09:00):
Um, it's important to kind of identify, I think, for you
what you need to be healthier on.
I mean, sleep is kind ofimpossible because you can't
really control that.
Luckily, max slept at like fourmonths through the night and,
you know, had regressions hereor there, but my twins are
almost one and have sleptthrough the night together eight
times in their whole life.
(09:20):
So that's not something I canreally control and they need me
all the time.
So for me, like sleep isn'tsomething that I can get a lot
of help with, but I can controllike my hydration, I can control
like staying on top of, likeeating, so I'm not, you know,
exhausted and going, you know,running on empty.
I can make time to, you know, besocial with other moms and find
(09:41):
that community.
So I think for, in terms oflike habits for other moms, like
having a community of othermoms or something that you can
feel connected with and, youknow, still bring your babies
utilizing free resources likepublic libraries will sometimes
do, you know, baby sign languagewe did that with Max so much
and then like reading time orbaby play dates, that kind of
(10:03):
knocks two birds with one stone,you know.
You get out of the house andthen you get to talk to other
moms who are also going throughit and just having that
community really kind of helpsyou push, push through and get
by and gives you something tolook forward to each week so
that you kind of have a schedule.
Otherwise it can be really easyto just like stay at home and,
you know, worry about things,but getting outside like
(10:26):
completely helps us when we'rehaving a hard time.
Parker (10:29):
Just a little bit of sunshine so like taking walks or
whatever, like, like you saidthere are some free resources um
the library one's super smartyeah are there any other ways
that you would suggest momsdeveloping like community of
moms, like Facebook groups orthings like that?
Cali (10:47):
Yeah, it's funny Cause I think for like this round, I've
used a lot of like twin momsupport groups through Facebook
or things like that.
But with Max, honestly, it wasthrough some of like the
military resources that we hadand I met moms there.
Or even just like going to aplayground and you see another
kid with like similar age,things like that, and you just
(11:07):
start talking.
You just kind of have to forceyourself to be a little bit more
social.
There are some like mom, likemommy workout groups too, that
I've seen around too.
That can be pretty cool.
So, find something that, likeyou're interested in doing as
well, that you can incorporateyour baby into, I think.
Think that's um like a good wayto input it.
Or, you know, if you're goingto walk with a friend on the
(11:27):
weekend who, um, you know,doesn't have a kid, can you know
you could bring your baby andgo do that and, um again, knock
out some physical activity andget some social connection in Um
.
So, yeah, those are just somekind of little tips there that
you could use.
Parker (11:42):
I love that.
What has been the best surpriseabout being a mom?
Cali (11:48):
Oh, I think it's just so rewarding sometimes and within
all the like challenging timesand like those hard parts, when
you do get like some of theserewarding or like surprises, it
makes up like completely for anyof the bad times that you've
had in that day.
I think right now the biggestthing is seeing my son, max,
(12:09):
interact with the twins and likemaking them laugh, or if, like
all three kids are laughing atme, my heart just kind of like
explodes.
It's just like unbelievablecuteness, with like all three of
them laughing and giggling andyou know, max helping his
sisters.
Like seeing their interactionhas been really surprising for
me and like just so rewarding tobe like, okay, they're doing
(12:31):
really great.
You know, like at times I feellike it's a little crazy but
like we're managing and, um, youknow they're happy, they're
loved, they're careful, caredfor and you know that's really
what matters at the end of theday.
Parker (12:43):
Well, and I also feel like in the early years it
probably is incrediblychallenging for different
reasons than perhaps you know,like teenage years, but those
early years have so manydevelopmental milestones that I
imagine that it gives a lot ofkind of like little
opportunities for celebration asyou see them learn how to be
(13:05):
like a human.
Cali (13:06):
Yes, yeah, the girls are kind of you know, in that stage
right now where they're takingtheir first um.
You know, like standing bythemselves and um saying like
they're trying to say max, soClara will go, like Matt, Matt,
and she'll be looking for him inhis room, so it's so cute.
That's another like rewardingpart is just seeing them learn
and, you know, stand bythemselves and you know, like
(13:30):
play peekaboo or like interactwith each other.
Yeah, All those littlemilestones you like get such
like a big heart melting,feeling like, oh my gosh,
they're accomplishing these.
That's amazing, yeah.
Parker (13:41):
I know that a lot of.
I talked to somebody else thatI'm close with who actually
started going to therapy becausethey felt like they were kind
of losing a little bit of theiridentity outside of mom, because
especially in those early yearsit is, and especially if you
take home, you stay at home, itbecomes a very kind of all
encompassing aspect of your life.
(14:02):
Right Like you spend all ofyour time trying to take care of
this little one that's soreliant on you, have you found
it to be hard to maintain anidentity like outside of mom?
Cali (14:14):
Absolutely I.
After I stayed home with Max,it was like the first few months
we were, you know, like feelinggreat, and then after a few
months I was just like great.
And then after a few months Iwas just like I'm just mom, like
there's no other activitiesthat I'm doing, it's just taking
care of this baby, which I loveso much.
And it's so hard because youdon't want to be away from them
(14:36):
but at the same time you need alittle bit of your own identity
to hold on to.
So I think it was about a yearafter he was, after I left
full-time, a year after he was,after I left full time, I came
back and started teaching groupfitness classes part-time and
that was so good for my mentalhealth even if it was just an
hour to three a week to go andbe able to have something that I
(14:57):
enjoy doing and getting againinteraction with you know,
adults and not just kind ofbabies around Um.
But that was probably the bestthing I did and still do now
with the girls.
Um, it's definitely decreased.
It was just harder to do stuffwith three, but, um, I teach
like cycling now on the weekendsand, um, that really helps me,
(15:20):
like so much to know that I havesomething that's just mine,
that I get to, you know, do forme and me solely so that, yeah,
that it's huge and it's reallyhard to maintain your own
identity within that.
You kind of lose track of thingsthat you love doing.
And I think the other thingthat helps me is knowing that
all of this is temporary, likeit's just a season, and you know
(15:44):
it's not my time to go out todinner with a bunch of
girlfriends from like five to 8PM, but I will be able to do
that in like another year whenthe girls are a little bit older
and like don't rely on me asmuch.
But you know I can do a weekendlike walk with a friend.
So I think trying to like fityour identity into different
ways that you you know they'repossible is just hard in itself
(16:07):
to to figure out.
Okay, how can I be me and howcan I incorporate that with,
like, our lifestyle?
Parker (16:12):
Yeah, when I imagine there are, like you said, like
different seasons, kind ofdepending on where they're
developmental or theiractivities, cause once they get
older I'm sure there'll be, youknow, maybe in sports or things
like that.
And then I'm sure you'reattending all of these games and
stuff, but I feel like from myperspective, it is probably
(16:33):
positive to show your kids thatyou have things for yourself, so
that it's almost like anexample for them later.
I mean, obviously you're notabandoning their needs, but it's
like I feel like prioritizingyourself shows them that you can
accomplish things and that youcan be a human and a person and
have interests, and almostencourage them to do things
(16:57):
themselves or to have things forthemselves, as you have as well
have as well.
Cali (17:08):
Yeah, yeah, I, 1000%.
I agree with that.
It's hard to like not feelguilty leaving them, but it is
so important for them to see youhave your own time and it helps
everybody, even though it canbe hard to make that happen.
And I remember when I went toteach um cycling, um, like two
months ago, my toddler, um Max,was like like oh, why do you
have to go teach cycle?
Can I come?
And I was like you know, no,mommy has to go.
(17:30):
Like you have to be 18 to go.
And um, he, like guilt, trippedme hard and I was like this is
one hour, this is the one hour aweek that mommy goes and does
something for herself.
You know, like I'll be back,we'll play.
And then, like the next um, itwas like the next day or two, he
was down here trying to ride myfitness bike.
(17:51):
So, like he understood, like,oh, like you know mommy's going
and riding a bike, like, so Iwent.
So it was kind of like helearned, like oh, it's important
to like exercise, um, maybe inhis head, but yeah, it's funny,
he was really trying to guilttrip me there, but I was like
it's better for everybody andyou get to spend time with dad
too, like undivided attentionthere.
So it's good for them to see youhave something and especially,
(18:15):
like the moms who work full timeand everything, it's so good
for them to see like, oh, likeyou know, my mom can, you know,
do all of this and still takecare of me.
So it goes both ways and I feellike it's so challenging again
to figure out like what worksbest.
But yeah, it's good to havesome separation, as much as you
want to be with them all thetime sometimes, or you know just
(18:36):
like need it.
Parker (18:37):
Yeah, do you think it kind of helps provide some like
small independence, because Iimagine eventually you want them
to be like independent andhaving little bits where they
kind of miss you or whatever.
Cali (18:49):
Yeah, for sure.
I think it totally helps withtheir independence and, just you
know, letting them, lettingthem figure out what to do
without mom for a little bit how?
Parker (18:58):
how do you counteract the mom guilt Cause I am not a
mom, but every mom I've talkedto has mentioned mom guilt, like
how?
Cali (19:07):
do you?
Yeah, how do you counteractthat?
Yeah, um, I think I'm stilltrying to figure it out.
Um, but even with three, I, youknow, I go out and I just feel
like horrible that the girls arelike crying for dad while
they're trying to get down for anap, cause they rely on me so
much.
Yeah, um, but yeah, I'm likethey're crying now.
(19:28):
They're like, oh, mom, don'tget me up from nap.
But like I know my sister's gotit so putting in my head, like
you know my sister or you knowDaniel's capable of doing this,
like they're in good hands,they're safe.
Um, and like I know I will bebetter refreshed when I come
back, and I do whenever I teach,like a class on the weekend, or
I just go to the grocery storeby myself or, you know, do
physical therapy, like I didthis morning, I come back with
(19:51):
so much more energy and so muchmore patience and it essentially
like makes me a better in abetter mood to be a better mom
for that day, whereas if it'sjust me kind of here and not
getting a break, like thepatience runs low, especially
when there's lack of sleep.
So, um, yeah, you just have tokind of battle it and I, I see a
counselor too.
So I'm like, or you know,seeing a counselor if you're
(20:15):
able to, and, um, you know,stresses happen and it's okay to
ask for help.
So, um, we like talk abouttactics and like mind shifts and
things like that.
So it better helps me to kindof handle whatever's you know
going on for the day.
Parker (20:31):
Yeah, You're more capable if you're like at least
filling into yourself a littlebit.
Cali (20:36):
Yeah.
Parker (20:36):
Yeah, for sure, that makes sense.
You mentioned your sister'sthere and I know she doesn't
live there, but she's visiting.
What do you think are somehelpful things that others can
do for new moms withoutoverstepping?
Cali (20:52):
Yeah, that, I think, is different to a family versus
like friends.
My family, I'm not like ashamedto be like hey, can you wash
bottles for me?
Like, hey, can you take thebaby or can you walk the dogs?
Um, it's easy to give moredirection with family.
I think, especially if it'smore like your family versus
(21:13):
like a mother-in-law orfather-in-law, might be more
difficult to relay that.
So, um, with friends, I thinkthe most helpful thing.
Um, I had a friend who cameover and just said hey, I want
to come over for an hour.
She had a toddler and she'slike you know, my son can play
with Max.
I want to wash bottles or doanything.
Does you know this thisSaturday?
(21:34):
You know what time for an hourwould work this Saturday, and it
wasn't.
Versus just saying like, hey, isthere anything I can do for you
?
Cause I think as a mom you haveso much going on in your brain
and if someone asks you, youknow what else or what can they
do.
Sometimes for me at least, it'sthere's so many things, but I
(21:55):
don't want to burden you withthem, so I'm going to just say
like oh no, we're good, butthanks for offering like so
sweet, but inside.
I'm like there are a hundreddifferent things in the back of
my head that I would love helpwith, but I feel guilty like
asking for help.
So I've been a little bitbetter now with the twins of you
know asking for help if I need,like my neighbor, like hey, can
you come over and watch thegirls for 10 minutes so I can
(22:17):
just walk the dogs really quick,or you know little things like
that.
Um, but for, like, new moms,like in the early stages, I
think the meal trains were crazyhelpful because everybody needs
to eat, everybody needs tohydrate.
You know like things like thatcan be done.
So if a mom doesn't have a mealtrain set up, you can message
(22:37):
her and say like hey, do youhave a meal train set up?
If not, can I set up somethingfor you?
How many meals a week?
Can I set up something for you?
How many meals a week?
We have a spouse group.
We have a spouse group and inthat spouse group they always
set up a meal chain for new momsand they set up.
You know we went two days aweek or however much you want,
donating gift cards, but thatwas super crazy helpful for us
(23:00):
and it was a way, like you said,we're not overstepping, because
sometimes, if you're in thetrenches, you don't want company
over.
Sometimes you do so givingoptions being like hey, I want
to come over and help you.
Would it be more helpful tohold the baby so you can sleep
or do laundry?
Yeah, and like would Saturdaywork?
Or when Monday?
But like giving options versusjust like let me know a date
(23:21):
that works, because maybe thatworks for some people, but for
me it didn't.
Parker (23:29):
I was like giving options helps narrow it down,
Right, Because if it's too openended you're like I don't know
dude or like, but if you're liketwo or three options of
activities or dates, you're likeokay, this works, and if one of
them didn't work you'd be likeno, but actually I need this, or
would this time work?
And I feel like it just givesyou something a starting place
to bounce off of.
I like the laundry idea too,because I imagine you go through
a lot of laundry, it'sliterally laundry every single
(23:52):
day, and I used to.
Cali (23:53):
I used to make fun of my old roommate because she would
do her laundry and put it in thedry or put it in the hamper and
it was clean and it would staythere for like a week.
And he was like why don't youjust fold it on the same day?
And I always messaged her andI'm like I have two bins of
laundry that I've been sittingthere for three days, like I
know what you felt now, um, butI was also going to say to just
(24:13):
it doesn't hurt, though, to justsay like hey, I'm here for you
If you need anything.
The power of those words doeshold a lot to a new mom.
So even if you're not able tolike do much and just be like a
venting ear or things like that,that can go a long way too if
you're not able to likephysically set up something or
come over.
But gosh, I had a mom who justI don't know her like crazy well
, but I met her a few times andshe saw one of my stories that I
(24:37):
was struggling so hard on sleepand she was like hey, what's
your email?
And I sent it to her and shesent me a Starbucks gift card.
It was like, please go treatyourself to coffee.
And I'm like I barely even knowthis mom and you know just like
kind little gestures, gestureslike that really go a long way.
Parker (24:54):
You know, that's amazing Um, I have a lot of friends who
I feel like are having babies,so I always want to know what I
can do for them because, Ihaven't been through it and I
don't know, and I imagine it'spretty overwhelming when you're
a mom for the first time,because it's I don't know if mom
tuition really like kicks inimmediately.
(25:14):
I feel like I would be likeGoogling everything, like is
this normal?
Cali (25:17):
I still Google sometimes and I have three, but I'm still
like, is this normal?
Like what is this?
How much it's the first timeyou hit three right, so yeah
yeah, yeah, oh yeah, you stilluse dr google, I think, even now
um, I, yeah, I definitely feellike the identity thing and the
health thing are two importantaspects about being a mom.
Parker (25:40):
That's like you are still a person outside of that
um and I heard this, thisquestion, phrased once that like
was to a parent and it was likeevery parent says they're
willing to like die for theirkids.
And then I was like but are youwilling to live for your kids?
Like, are you willing tomaintain your own health and
(26:02):
well-being enough that you'reactually like living for them
and sticking around for them too, like, and I think that is.
It was really powerful when Iheard it and I'm not even a mom,
so I can't imagine.
Cali (26:14):
Yeah, oh gosh, yeah, that is such a powerful quote.
I've heard that as well.
And yeah, it's like if youagain aren't taking care of
yourself, you're not going to beable to kind of like,
physically keep up with thethings that at hand.
And again, if you're notaddressing, like, your mental
health and you're doing yourselflike a disservice to take care
of yourself, and if you're not,you know, trying to get a little
(26:37):
bit stronger, things like thatit's going to be harder for you.
So there's so much that goes on.
Like no one should feel guiltyfor not doing something.
But when you look at it interms of, like what can I do to
make myself better for my kids,then it clicks a little bit more
.
And you're like, okay, like Ido want to, you know, do some
cardio or do some strengthtraining so I'm able to carry
both of my toes at the same time.
(26:57):
Like you know little thingslike that.
So you have to find the rightmotivation to do that.
And I feel like that quote is sopowerful because pretty much
everybody, like you said, woulddie for your kids.
But you're like I have to takecare of myself in order to do
that.
Just like that airplane.
Um, like the mask quote, youknow, before taking care of
others, like you're not going tobe able to help them if you're
not taking care of yourself, andyou get so drained out, giving
(27:20):
your energy away, that it's hardto focus on yourself for sure.
Um, yeah, just one little thingat a time.
You can't do it all.
Parker (27:28):
Yeah, I imagine most moms feel like there's not a lot
of time and I imagine likeprioritizing one aspect for
yourself and either finding waysto fit it into your life, like
while the kids are done for anap, doing some at home Pilates,
youtube video or something orlike yeah, like you said, going
(27:49):
on a walk with your kids, or youknow, and I know it, like
everybody's situation isdifferent depending on finances,
whether they're a single parentor not, whether they're, you
know, spouses home or not.
But if you have a spouse who isaround, like, I imagine that you
(28:10):
could advocate for like hey, Ineed this hour a week to do
something for myself.
Yeah, and hopefully you wouldreciprocate right, like yes.
Cali (28:20):
Yeah.
Parker (28:20):
I'm a firm believer that like dads are not babysitting,
they're like parents.
But I personally, I feel likeif I could be a dad instead of a
mom, I would want to be aparent far more likely, because
I feel like they get praised fordoing anything, whereas I feel
like moms are expected and thenget criticized if they don't go
(28:44):
way above and beyond when it'slike men get yeah, yeah, I went
to like a work function, Iremember, with Max and it was
seven months and someone waslike, well, who's watching the
baby?
Cali (28:55):
and like, like he's with his dad and they're like, oh,
that's so nice of him, like it'shis dad, like, yeah, he's a
good parent.
He shows up like he's notbabysitting, like, and sometimes
I say like Daniel's watchingthem, but like he would also say
like Cali's at home watchingthem, but I try to be really
careful with that.
(29:15):
But, yeah, having like twinsnow I think I'm really good and
Daniel and I are both a lot.
My husband, daniel's, and I area lot better at explaining what
we need and when, like herecognizes when I'm really
overwhelmed and it's like youknow, why don't you go lay down?
I will take the kids for youknow, 30 minutes to an hour like
(29:38):
go lay down.
Or I'll tell him like, hey, Ireally just need to like go do
something, whether it's like thegym or target or coffee run,
like I just I need to get outfor a little bit, and we're
really good at communicating.
I think this now.
It was really hard initially tofigure that out and be direct
about what we need, but I thinkwe both do a better job now of
like recognizing and then askingthe other person like hey, what
do you need to again show upand be fully here, whether it's
(30:02):
sleep or just time out or umexercise?
You know things like that.
Yeah, it's, it's takes two.
Parker (30:11):
I imagine that transition to like as a couple
is is huge.
Do you have any tips around,like figuring out how to be
parents together, Because it'snot just on you?
Cali (30:22):
Yeah, I think with Max it was really hard initially,
initially and I think probablyfirst time moms it's always
going to be hard and figure itout and we did some couples
counseling together to help withthat um.
But I think with twins it waskind of like we were supposed to
have twins because it actuallygave me like I could not do both
(30:44):
at the same time all the time.
So like I have to be okay, tobe like okay, like you take
Claire, I take Emma or you knowwe switch um.
So now we are both doing like50 50 of everything, whereas
when it was just Max, like Iheld him all the time, I did
most of the things because I wasstaying at home with him.
And now it's like we're bothfully present, splitting things
like tag teaming, everything, um.
(31:04):
But initially like just couplescounseling helped because it's
hard to communicate with, likewe're both fully present,
splitting things like tagteaming everything, but
initially like just couplescounseling helped because it's
hard to communicate with whatyou need and again, especially
on lack of sleep, that makeseverything so difficult and like
Tighten emotions.
Parker (31:21):
I'm sure.
Cali (31:21):
Yeah, yeah, emotions are high, like stress is high and
versus like being resentfulbecause I was so resentful that
Daniel got to go to workinitially when I was staying
home like, well, he gets to goand have a break all day, but in
reality he's going to work andlike having a full day.
Then coming home to, you know,chaos at home, and I'll say now
(31:42):
with, like, the twins, and thathe comes home in a good mood,
like somehow he can switch,maybe have his time like
decompressing at home, but thenas soon as the you know
everybody goes down, it's likeokay, like we finally have a
little bit of calm, like youknow, now we can have our own
time, but you really just don'thave time to do your own thing,
like, and if you're going towork and coming back again, like
(32:05):
if I was working full time, Ihave no idea how I would like
handle that, even like drop-offsand pickups and things like
that.
So, um, yeah, we work a lotbetter now with having the twins
, because you're kind of forcedto adapt and learn in that.
But, yeah, it's helped usbecome, I think, better at
parenting together by havingmore kids, which is kind of
(32:25):
funny.
Um, but yeah, we justcommunicate a lot better and,
like you know, you have to stepup because there's more kids,
which is kind of funny.
But yeah, we just communicate alot better and, like you know,
you have to step up becausethere's more kids than adults,
like somebody has to have a kidat all times.
Parker (32:37):
Yeah, so I'm guessing it's like communicating your
needs, maybe having some privateconversations later, like after
the kids go to bed about whatyou need like after the kids go
to bed, about what you need.
Cali (32:51):
Um, yeah, like it's hard to be direct and in a positive
way versus just being resentfuland being like you know you need
to do this or you know now.
It's like, hey, bottles need tobe done and max needs a shower.
Like which one do you want todo?
Parker (33:01):
um, so like just communicating that with and
giving options, but do you guyshave like standard, you do this,
he does that.
Or do you guys just likestandard, you do this, he does
that.
Or do you guys just kind oftake it day by day and it's like
here's things that need to getdone, who wants to take what?
Cali (33:14):
I think now we've kind of gotten to a good realm of like,
what is his task and what's mine, but we still offer Um, but
like, since I'm primarily likepumping mostly and you're still
a little bit, but since I'mpumping a lot, like I hate
washing the bottles, I hatewashing the pump parts, so like
he does that at the end of theday and he's cleaning.
Yes, he's cooking, I'm doing allthe laundry.
(33:34):
He doesn't touch the laundry.
I hate cooking.
I have to do it sometimes.
But, um, yeah, he's like cook,I'm cleaning, cleaning, I'm like
getting the girls down, usuallyfor bed.
He's usually helping with Maxand doing, like, bath time with
the kids.
Um, but yeah, some of thosethings are interchangeable.
Like, um, you know, do you wantto start Max's bath and um,
(33:56):
I'll get the girls changed orwe'll switch so that we both are
spending time, um, with everykid, you know but you've also
experienced solo parenting rightBecause he's been deployed,
since you've had kids.
Parker (34:09):
So, then would you suggest, like paying for an hour
or asking somebody to come overfor an hour, like if you are
solo?
Are there other tips that youwould would give somebody if
they don't have somebody verylucky to have a lot of family
(34:30):
come out and like take shifts.
Cali (34:31):
So if Daniel was gone for like three weeks, I had like my
sister come out and mymother-in-law and then my mom,
um, but I honestly, I just nowgot a babysitter.
About two months ago it took methis long to feel comfortable
finding someone to watch thekids that I didn't know so much
and, um, I wish I would havedone it sooner because she's
come over and just like takingthe girls on a wagon ride and I
(34:51):
have literally just like sathere for like 30 minutes or like
stretched, or I took Maxindividually to a swim lesson
while she stayed here with thegirls and I had solo time with
Max.
So, yeah, if you can afford it Iknow some people say like three
days a week they'll have help,or, um, you know, if it's just
every Friday, you have like atwo to three hour block and you
(35:12):
schedule all of yourappointments that you might need
then, cause that's the otherthings I schedule, like my
dentist, and you know all theseappointments around when
family's coming and they're allcoming from the East coast to
California, so it's not reallyfeasible, but we've been lucky
to have great family support.
But yeah, I just found thatbabysitter and now I'm like
we're moving and I'm like got tostart another one, it'll be
(35:33):
okay, probably take another fouryears.
Parker (35:36):
Um, okay, so uh, as we wrap up, if you could go back
and talk to you when you justhad Max, kind of, what would you
say to yourself if you couldtalk to Cali three years ago?
Cali (35:50):
Well, I wish I could show her what she's doing now,
because I remember thinking onebaby was so challenging.
Now am I ever going to getthrough this?
And now I'm doing three kidsplus two dogs and like doing
that.
So I think, like telling myself, you know, it's important that
they're cared for, they're fedand they're loved.
(36:10):
And if you're doing thosethings, um, you know you're
doing great to not be so likehard on yourself and um, expect
these, you know standards, likeyou're going to have meltdowns,
you're going to have good days,you're going to have bad, and um
, yeah, take care of yourselfand know that you're doing a
really good job.
And um, you'll make it.
(36:31):
You'll make it through it andit's just a season.
That's literally what I wouldprobably tell myself to make it
a little easier.
Parker (36:39):
Well, thank you so much for joining us today.
Cali (36:42):
Thank you so much for having me.
It was good to talk to you.
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