July 11, 2025 • 42 mins
What does it take to build a true sense of belonging in an increasingly individualized world? My good friend Sean, went from a shy first-generation Malaysian-American kid to expert community builder by being vulnerable and disciplined. Through his experiences in competitive gaming, CrossFit, and speed puzzling, he demonstrates how consistency and showing up are the foundations of developing meaningful connection.
In this episode we cover:
• How growing up as a Malaysian-American in New Jersey presented cultural integration challenges
• Transitioning from childhood shyness to becoming a community connector through consistent participation
• Finding community through niche hobbies like fighting games, CrossFit, and competitive puzzling
• Overcoming the fear of putting yourself out there when you're new to a group or activity
• The importance of acknowledging others' existence with a simple hello
• Maintaining connections by reaching out to people when they cross your mind
• Three keys to building community: consistency, acknowledgement, and accessibility
• Balancing romantic relationships with maintaining friendships and community connections
• Creating spaces where people can bring their authentic selves
You're in for a good laugh with this one as our familiar banter is ever present. Hope you enjoy the ramblings of friends!
About the Guest:
Sean Hengchua is a 1st generation American from New Jersey who has found himself in the Pacific Northwest. He has developed a knack for connecting with people earnestly.
You can find him on social @Gbursine.
Podcast Intro and Outro Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/moire/new-life
Thanks for listening! Find me @lessonstolearnbeforeyoudie. And if you enjoy the podcast, I'd really appreciate sharing the love (share an episode or leave me a review!)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Parker (00:00):
Hello and welcome.
Today we have Sean joining us.
Sean is a first generationAmerican from New Jersey who has
found himself in the PacificNorthwest and has developed a
knack for connecting with people.
Earnestly Welcome, Sean.
Hello am so excited to catch up,and you were one of my first
(00:28):
friends when I moved to Portlandbecause you included me in your
group and you invited me out onthe hottest freaking weekend of
the year.
It was like a hundred andsomething and we went out to the
beach and I'm just so gratefulfor you for doing that, and you
have a trend of doing that, ofinviting new people in the area,
um, out to social gatherings.
So is that something thatyou've always done or what kind
(00:51):
of started that habit?
Tell me a little bit about thatbackground that you know it's
funny.
Sean (00:56):
Uh, you're one of like.
There's a handful of peoplethat are like you're the first
friend I had in Portland, likewhat the?
Parker (01:01):
hell.
Technically, helen was my firstfriend, but you were very close
.
Sean (01:06):
But like yeah, no, I mean, and that's fine, but I'm really
surprised that I've come to bethat person.
Yeah, no, I.
Your question was how did I gethere?
Parker (01:18):
Yeah, like, have you always been the kind of person
who extends that olive branch tonew people?
Is that a habit you've alwayshad?
Sean (01:30):
Or kind of tell me about that background for you.
I mean, I was like a timid kidand I was super shy.
I was like an introvert, anextrovert and an introvert's
body.
So I wanted to make friends butI was really super shy growing
up so it was really hard.
I didn't have many friendsgrowing up at all you're the
opposite now so opposite, totalopposite.
But because my parents wereimmigrants and uh yeah, they
(01:52):
came to jersey from texas, frommalaysia, so it's like new, new,
new and um, people sayportland's a white city, it's
got nothing on.
Like my hometown it's like 90percent italians, like eight
percent irish people and thenone percent everything else, two
percent everything else.
(02:12):
So there was a big integration,uh hurdle that I had to uh kind
of tackle growing up and figureout, like for like you know, all
of my like primary, secondaryschool of like, how do I become,
how do I like be American withtwo Like you'll have, like the
(02:34):
Asians, that have like one whiteparent and one Asian parent and
you usually have that one whiteparent is like, oh yeah,
obviously you're going to dressup for Halloween and beg people
for candy and yeah, we're goingto and then allow, do sleepovers
and stuff.
My mother did none of that, myparents did.
We did trick-or-treating but alot of like small cultural norms
(02:54):
I'm still learning today andmaking friends and finding
commonality is something thatgrowing up, I had such a
struggle with that.
Now, when I see people in a newcity, you know and even you see
people who you think might besnobby.
Oftentimes it's just peoplebeing reserved and shy and just
(03:18):
wanting connection or justsaying, hey, I'll connect.
I'm not afraid to connect, Ijust don't know how to reach out
and make that connection.
So usually for me now my habitis like oh just saying hi and
just making eye contact, becausea lot of people even like, what
was it?
(03:39):
I remember Shallow Howe,gwyneth Paltrow was in a fat
suit and she's like, yeah, whenI went down, toco was in a fat
suit and she's like, yeah, whenI went down to the bar, my fat
suit, no one would even make eyecontact with me and I was like,
oh, like that's, that's such a,that's not like isolated to
just you know heavy set people,it's just you know any.
Parker (03:55):
Any people who are like somewhere new is like they just
want that kind of just that lowlevel connection I feel like, as
we've gotten older too, peopleare more set in their friend
groups as it is, unless you kindof are transplant, and so I
remember when I moved toPortland I was like it seems
like everybody's friendly butnobody wants to be my friend,
like they'd be polite and nicebut like it seems like their
(04:16):
group was set and they were goodand they didn't need to add any
more people, or they weren'treally open to adding more
people.
So it's kind of scary and Icould see how this could very
easily turn into like justnavigating, making friends in a
new city.
Who knows, sometimes my topicsgo off off board, but it could
(04:38):
go into the direction of, youknow, being a first generation
person.
You know we could just have youback.
Actually is what I'm feeling,and a multi-part conversation oh
my god, yeah.
Sean (04:57):
Well, you know what's funny too, though, is like um so
so what I find, too, isconsistency is everything Okay,
even if, like, uh, even if youdon't talk to anybody?
I think just being consistentand showing up and becoming a
familiar face eventually leadsto like the connection of, of,
(05:19):
of community and meeting people.
Um, something I don't usuallytalk to you or other people in
our sphere about is that I usedto play fighting games
competitively.
Parker (05:30):
That's cool.
Sean (05:32):
And there.
So the way fighting game works,games work is like there's like
15 different fighting gamesfrom three or four different
companies Back in the day, Ilike in college after this, you
know, hurdle of secondary schoolI ended up just doing a bunch
of research while I was incollege on on one of the one of
(05:53):
these niche fighting games and,um, and just like hosting
tournaments.
So this is just like a hobbyfrom nothing, right, and people
would show up and I'd be likejust pay a dollar.
You know there's all theseother tournaments that you're
paying five and ten dollars forand the way it works is like
everyone pays x amount of moneylike five, ten dollars, five
(06:13):
dollars, ten dollars and thenthey, you know they do a.
You know they just play videogames in a bracket and then the
winner takes all the money ormost of the money you can make
money if you're, you know it'slike any, if you're gonna make
money, you, uh, you can.
Or if you can play good, you canmake money.
Rather, but the consistent,just like having regular events
(06:34):
and showing up to majors, likeeventually garnered this
community and then even justbeing um a source of information
in that specific hobby, endedup creating this like this is
huge community.
That is like international.
Now that I'm like, holy crap, Inever.
(06:55):
This is like it's on a scope,that like it's beyond me and I'm
happy it's beyond me and it'sso small and so niche.
But I'm like, oh, wow, wow,like there's people all over the
world playing this game andpart of it was because of this
foundation I created uh onlineand of information and because
of like these, these uh events,um, that I ended up holding and
(07:20):
that's that's like kind of thekey right now.
I'm, we're uh, my partner and Iuh we've been puzzling
competitively in portland.
Portland has a weekly puzzlecompetition that started two
years ago and two years ago theyhad like 12 teams come every
week and now there's like 30teams every single week and on
(07:42):
the national board for uhnational speed jigsaw puzzling,
we have like two or threemembers like in the top 20 or 30
of the country.
It's.
It's really amazing um and howsmall and grassroots and kind
this community is and you justshow up.
Yeah, you don't.
You don't necessarily need toplace top five, top three every
(08:07):
time, but it's one of thosethings where, even with CrossFit
, you just show up and youeventually start to get names,
you start to meet the peoplethat are really great at this
hobby or even just that are justlike interactive, because,
unlike CrossFit CrossFit'sinteresting we will chat a
little bit, we'll warm up andthen we'll all suffer for like
(08:30):
20 minutes together, butseparately together but
separately, and we're havingthis shade, this shared
suffering, and then, maybe forfive or ten minutes after, we're
like that sucked, yeah, thatsucked.
It's such a funny connectionthat we have, uh, in crossfit,
um, and it's, it's regular, youdo it regularly.
(08:52):
You're like, oh, I'm sufferingwith this person every single
week.
What a great it's a greatbonding experience.
Parker (08:58):
But if I'm thinking about it, you've just listed
like competitive gaming for likea fighting game yeah, speed
puzzling and crossfit.
So I feel like that just showsthat there's a niche for
everyone, no matter how specificyour interest gets oh yeah and
if there's not, it seems likeyou can create something and
most likely, if you get the wordout, people show up.
(09:18):
But oh yeah, how do you getover that discomfort of being
new or putting yourself outthere or showing up to something
or starting something of yourown?
Because it's kind of reallyscary to put yourself out there,
like even if you're sure of whoyou are.
It's like a vulnerableexperience when you don't have
(09:39):
that like safety of people whoknow you Like I don't know how
to get over that.
Sean (09:44):
It's very scary.
You'll notice that all thosethings, aside from puzzling
puzzling can be, they're allindividual things.
As soon as you get to a teamthing, it's very scary.
I uh I remember like when I Igot out, was getting out of my
last, last relationship I waslike I need to do something that
isn't just me playing games inmy room.
I need to like go and expand mycircle and just meet people and
(10:07):
the first thing I tried was aboard game meetup.
Parker (10:11):
And.
Sean (10:12):
I think twice.
I'd walk in, look at all thetables, stare around, act like I
was looking at their products,and then I'd walk out.
It's petrifying.
It's scary, yeah, it'spetrifying, and I mean it's
petrifying and I mean I had likeestablished all my other, you
know, uh, the other groups too,but it's so petrifying like, uh,
(10:32):
um, I think it's just showingup.
Parker (10:35):
I think I like black out and just like do it on a whim
and I'm like fuck it, I'm gonnago for it.
Sean (10:39):
You know yeah.
Parker (10:41):
I, um, when I first moved to Colorado Springs, I was
really struggling, and so Ikept getting ads though for for
like co-rec leagues, and so Iwas like I don't really play any
sports, but I signed up forkickball because I was like
surely if I did it in elementaryschool I can do it now.
And so I signed up for like recleague for kickball.
I did that for one or twoseasons.
(11:01):
It was all right, but I endedup meeting somebody on that
kickball.
I did that for one or twoseasons, um, it was all right,
but I ended up meeting somebodyon that kickball team who
invited me to their volleyballteam, and so now I have like a
very small, small community here.
But it is from signing up forthe volleyball team and, um,
yeah, I do feel like you kind ofjust have to bite the bullet
(11:22):
and put yourself out there, butmaybe you just find digestible
ways to do it and, like you said, like consistency, eventually
it pays off, right, yeah?
Sean (11:32):
So I did two meetups.
So the first was board games,okay, and I met the first time I
met a really nice group, andthen they kind of fizzled off
after COVID, and that's fine.
Parker (11:43):
That happens.
Sean (11:44):
Yeah, but then, yeah, I went back a couple times I was
like this is so scary, I need togo.
And sometimes that happens andsometimes, like for those kind
of things, if you have somebodylike who's willing to join you,
to go out that's where I thinkthat can help.
And you kind of for fightinggames.
(12:04):
We used to do this a lot whenarcades were a thing.
You just go play at an arcadejust to fish.
It was just kind of likeputting a hook in the water Just
to meet, just to fight somebody.
And meet somebody Just to belike oh hey, you're good, are
you competitive?
Do you play outside of here ordo you practice for competitions
?
Do you work?
(12:30):
You're like a little salesrecruiter, you, you, you have to
, because, especially infighting games, because, like
before online and before messageboards and stuff, everyone used
to just kind of like come andgo, you'd know, oh, like, uh,
they'd have long island, joe,you'd have baltimore, uh, tony,
you know, like, literally, theseare real people.
Okay, yeah, yeah, um, and wedon't necessarily like, and then
(12:51):
we don't.
We knew that not with withoutso much effort.
In like crossfit and I do judotoo uh, where somebody new will
come in and you don't have togive them the sales pitch.
You just say hey, and then it's, then it's just easy.
It's like hey, what's your name?
I'm sean.
Like let's suffer together.
Um, how long you've been doingthis, you know.
And then, and then you becomemore than just somebody at the,
(13:15):
at the gym or somebody you know.
I don't know the thing itbecomes.
Parker (13:18):
Oh, this is so, and so I know some of his, their story
yeah, it kind of feels like ifyou are the, the person who's
new or looking for community.
It's like being vulnerable,taking baby steps, putting
yourself out there and if you'rethe one that already has the
community.
Just like being kind andconsiderate enough and like
mindful enough to reach out tosomebody who you don't
(13:42):
necessarily recognize yeah yeah,but I also feel like what's the
worst that can happen?
and oftentimes I feel like theworst that can happen is either
like you have an okay with timewith somebody and you just never
talk again, or you just likedon't make a connection that day
, and I feel like that can feelreally disheartening.
But it's also like, really, isthat the worst thing that
(14:06):
happens?
You know, I don't know it's.
Sean (14:10):
It's kind of like a date too, though you have to have
respect for yourself and lovefor yourself to say well, that
didn't work out and that doesn'tmean I'm a bad person or this
is a bad event.
Parker (14:20):
It means it was just a bad connection yeah, how do you
feel like you navigate that whenyou're kind of testing things
out with a new friend, Becausenot everybody is compatible and
maybe you're not a good fit forfriends Like what do you do then
?
Sean (14:35):
You just I mean, yeah, like I said you, I think you
just have to say this is okay,maybe you're for somebody else.
Um, I'm gonna keep doing mything and be kind because you
can like.
Um, this is this may not have aplace here, but you can be.
You can not like somebody, butstill be civil.
(14:57):
You can have civil distancewith anybody, right, um, and and
yeah, like, we all have hobbiesand I saw in range my partner
like don't, we, don't, we don'tneed to yuck people's hobbies,
you know?
Um, just kind of like, do ourthing.
Um, so, yeah, sometimes, andthere's people who like, don't,
(15:19):
like it's like aggressive salespeople.
Some people I don't likeaggressive sales people.
Parker (15:24):
Like it almost makes me not want to buy from you.
Sean (15:26):
I'm like yeah, okay, yeah and some people, and I've had
people who are like I just wantto work out bro, I'm like that's
fine that's true.
Parker (15:33):
Some people come and they want the privacy and I, I'm
an extrovert.
I think you're an extrovert.
Yeah, like I.
I need the community, like forme, I feel like I've am most
fulfilled and balanced and likestable when I, when I have a
community, yeah, to vent to orhang out with or blow off some
(15:57):
steam with or kind of share, bevulnerable.
Vulnerable with, but I don'tknow like what.
Do you think the importance ofcommunity is?
Sean (16:05):
Like I think we've had moments in doing a workout where
I remember like we'd have a lotof people and I'd have one
group here chatting and onegroup here chatting and one
group here chatting, and I'mlike me, like I think you know,
I usually finish like last orsecond last.
I don't yeah, I never try torush a workout.
(16:28):
I'm just, like you know, tryingto like I'm just doing this,
I'm slow, I know I'm slow andI'm not winning a medal if I, if
I get top top two.
So I'm just like I'm just gonnafinish and then I'm just
huffing and I'm just there inthe center.
I'm like this is great.
I don't need to be connected toeverybody, but to be around a
lot of people without judgmentis great, because there's so
(16:49):
many life is short and there'sso many shitty people out there
that could be judging everythingwe do and being hateful.
That like this is this is likethis is the end goal of like, of
just existence.
You don't necessarily need toconnect to be grateful for, you
(17:09):
know, having people around you.
You know that are friendly andyou know plug in, plug out
whoever you want like.
So I.
I think that's my.
My outlook of appreciation forcommunity comes from just like I
think it comes back to thatroot of just growing with a lot
(17:30):
of like malicious people or evenjust like social ostracism and
isolation from just kind oftrying to integrate and
isolation from just kind oftrying to integrate um would you
?
Parker (17:46):
I mean um?
You're malaysian and and mostasian countries are your parents
are malaysian.
Um yeah, most asian countriesare known as a very like
community society, whereas theus is far more kind of
individualism, like.
Did your parents instill anyhabits in you to try and build a
community, or is that justsomething you were naturally
craving, because you feltdifferent?
Sean (18:07):
I think, yeah, they my.
My father, my parents didRotary which is what is Rotary?
It's?
It's just like a club for oldrich people to donate.
They're in like every town,they're in every town and I
should say, oh, I'm just, I'mdefinitely being uh cynical, um,
(18:28):
but there I.
There has been a drive foryounger uh people to okay but I
think where are you going though?
yeah, they were part of acommunity organization, but it's
such a noble organization andI've definitely been an honorary
Rotary member for years where Iwould just show up and just
help at whatever charity eventthey were doing.
Parker (18:50):
Yeah.
Sean (18:52):
And that networking and even just meeting with people
like they just do nothing, justmeeting with people like they
just do nothing.
They literally just go and have, have a meal, and then they
talk about somebody's somebody'suh charity, like once a week,
you know, or or even healthhabits once every week or every
(19:12):
other week I think it's everyweek and and then they go home.
There's no like the event isjust eating um, which I?
I mean I'm not gonna eat a lotof events surround by food right
.
Parker (19:24):
I feel like you want somebody to show up somewhere.
You offer free food right, yeahright, right, right, right,
right.
Sean (19:30):
So that definitely was one of my things.
They would host.
My parents would host partiesand stuff too, so they were good
, very good, about just engagingwith people and I was
definitely a boy.
I had boy energy.
I was like all over the placeand sean, you still have boy
energy I was parkouring off of,like every wall, wall.
Parker (19:50):
You still do that that's why in their group chats
there's always some kind ofmessage about you parkouring or
Gumby-ing around, and we lovethat.
Sean (20:12):
Yeah, no, it's, it's good and it's not a bad thing to be
known by.
It could always be worse.
Parker (20:17):
Well, I mean clearly I think of you for a lot of things
more than just.
Well, I mean clearly I think ofyou for a lot of things more
than just, because, literally, Ithought of community and I
thought of you.
So, thank you.
Sean (20:42):
So, ok, your parents volunteered and they hosted, and
so they, they did havecommunity as a priority for
themselves as well.
Yeah, but it was like a long, Ithink.
So then my hurdle, though, withthat was that whole integration
component of like well, how doI make friends and how do I show
up, well, actually.
And then the other thing waslike uh, my relationship prior
was very isolating when I movedhere she's like I kind of don't
want to hang out with anybodyand I kind of just want to hang
out with you.
I was like okay, not knowing,kind of learning.
(21:06):
That was like my first bigrelationship where I was
learning what was important tome, what was healthy in a
relationship too.
And it wasn't until I got out ofthat relationship that I said
I'm going to make an effort toengage in my communities more.
And this is after moving here.
After you know, I kind ofpassed the baton off with the
(21:29):
fighting game stuff.
I had friends who were runningall the major tournaments on the
East coast on my behalf now andall the information.
You know the way games can workas they.
They kind of go and go so likethey're still a thriving
community.
But it didn't need me.
I moved here and it was kind oflike a nice soft restart on
life.
But then it wasn't until afterthat relationship that I was
like okay, how do I show up forall my activities of people and
(21:56):
how do?
I expand my circle and it justkind of was just showing up and
saying hi and engaging withpeople and kind of bringing up
the idea hey, we should dosomething.
You know, and as a man I knowtoo, like even as a man in
Portland, I'm like there's nostrings attached.
(22:20):
I'm like this is just like Iwant to engage with you, I want
to get to know you and I want tojust spend quality time with
other human beings because, um,there's a lot of things that I'm
intimidated to do, that you'renot, that you could open my eyes
for, and like, like, surprise,we went to surprise beach.
(22:41):
I would never go to surprisebeach by myself.
Yeah, but it was fun, that wasso much fun and that's yeah,
it's only because of our like wehad each other.
That was like oh, this is righthere, let's do it.
Parker (22:53):
You feel like more courageous once you have
somebody else with you andyou're you can like you said
pull each other in all thesedifferent directions.
Sean (22:59):
Yeah.
Parker (23:03):
Um, pull each other in all these different directions,
yeah, um, well, so you, when youfirst moved there, you were in
a rather isolating relationshipand now you're in quite healthy
relationship.
Yeah, love her for that.
Um, do you feel likefriendships are as important as
romantic relationships?
Because I know like romanticrelationships are almost
idolized to a certain extent,but personally I feel like
friendships are and serve adifferent purpose.
Sean (23:25):
They they do, um, but there are.
You know, friendships are justanother form of relationship and
there's healthy habits we buildengaging with each other and
showing up for each other andsupporting each other.
And you know, because we all Imean you and me, coming from the
(23:52):
East Coast we relate so muchcompared to everyone else around
here.
Parker (23:54):
We always said we had our East Coast things.
Sean (23:55):
Yeah, we do definitely have our East Coast.
We love to complain abouteverything and no one else gets
it.
And I just want to complainabout everything and no one else
gets it, and I just want tocomplain.
Thank you for validating me,and I just want to make us think
.
Parker (24:10):
I'll get over it.
I just need a bitch about it.
I just need to bitch about it.
Sean (24:18):
You know, and I'm going to , I'm going to honk, I'm going
to yell at somebody if they'redoing stupid stuff, you in the
street, um, or if they're rude.
Oh my god.
You both grilled me so hardbecause I was like maybe I'll
put my card away, and you werelike you're not human.
How could you know you have toput your card away.
Parker (24:34):
That's so rude to the people that work there yeah, I'm
gonna call you out on it likewe call?
Yes, you have.
You should call your friendsout on stuff, especially not
putting a damn card away.
What are you?
A heathen?
no, yeah okay well, now that youhave I mean, let's be honest,
we both have gotten intorelationships in the past, you
(24:57):
know few years, yeah and it doesadd another layer of something
to focus on.
So how do you feel like youbalance being there for your
friends with your own needswhether that's in your
relationship or just foryourself, like needing your own
time or needing work on yourthings like?
How do you balance that?
Sean (25:18):
wait, say that again how I balance.
Parker (25:20):
How do you balance like showing up for your friends,
with having your own needs in,say, like your personal
relationship, like or yourromantic relationship?
Sean (25:33):
Oh man, I mean you're always going to prioritize your
personal slash romanticrelationship.
I feel like yeah slash romanticrelationship.
I feel like, yeah, um, but I,even with my partner, like it's,
it's important to have friends,it's so important to have more
than just your, your, your smallworld of you and your partner,
which is, like you know, it'simportant, it's valuable it
(25:55):
can't be your everything it'snot fair I feel like it's not.
It's not fair, but also, um, Ithink just, we add flavor to
each other and and it stillcomes back to like um, we all
are different people and we allprovide opportunities to empower
and provide new experiences andinteractions with each other.
(26:18):
Um, and yeah, I think it's soimportant.
Um, and I'm sure, like even inromantic partners, you both need
breaks from each other.
Um, don't tell rachel, I saidthat I don't, I'm fine I think
it's important.
Parker (26:35):
I think sometimes guys need guys nights or girls need
girls yeah you need aninteraction that brings out a
different side of you, and Icould spend every single day
with my partner like everysingle day, but I still know and
crave and want time with otherpeople as well same same thing,
oh man attracting from him.
It's just like adding to meeven even amongst friends.
Sean (26:57):
I know you and our old group used to have, just like
your girl time.
I was like I want to be part ofthat, but I ain't no girl and I
respect sometimes we let othersinto the girl time, but
sometimes I just need girl timeyeah it's fine.
Yeah, I was like it's.
It's just, you need it.
You know, we all providedifferent things for each other
and, uh, it's healthy, it's sohealthy.
Parker (27:21):
There's a saying that, like you know, it takes a
village, but there's also asaying that I've heard recently
that, like to have a village,you have to be a villager.
I think we've become soindividualized where it's like
you really need to protect yourspace and your boundaries and
then it's gotten, you know whereit is sometimes inconvenient
(27:43):
and I want people to respecttheir needs, but also, like, if
you want people to be there foryou, even when it's hard, like I
feel like you have to sometimesbe there for them.
Sean (27:55):
You do yeah.
Parker (27:56):
Oh yeah.
Sean (27:56):
Well, even like you have to be able to reciprocate for
other people and for yourself,and even for nice things too.
This sounds really stupid, butI was like I've had my therapist
be like, hey, you need to letother people take care of you
too, otherwise your friends aregoing to think you're using them
(28:20):
or they're using you.
Not everyone wants thatrelationship and even then,
that's like you gotta let peoplecelebrate you too, like okay,
yes, yeah, like we.
Parker (28:31):
I think that's the benefit of being friends is like
you get to celebrate each otherand their wins and their
blessings and their lows andtheir struggles, and it's in the
mundane every day, like that'sa part of it.
Sean and I went on a tangent um.
It was inappropriate to do so.
(28:52):
If we had to trim something,welcome back, um.
Sean (28:57):
I have a little anecdote to share.
Um, from sandy hurricane sandy,okay, yeah 12 hit and I
remember after the storm waslike two or three days after the
storm hit, my, my familydecided to stay on the water and
we were on island for like aday and a half and after the
(29:18):
water receded, um, the water gotup to like a foot beneath our
first floor Like it was like youcould hear the water sloshing
up and we're underneath thehouse just pulling all the
insulation off and I go to mydad, like Dad, what about our
neighbors?
Don't we want to help them?
He goes and I remember himsaying he's like how can we help
the other people if we can'teven help ourselves?
(29:40):
We need to help ourselves first.
Um, and that stuck with me sohard because it's so easy for me
to to uh me being me, and thisis like a sean personality thing
to just be like, hey, like letme help, let me help, we help.
But like if, if you got thingsat home or internally you gotta
take care of, like that isalways, that should always be a
(30:02):
priority.
Parker (30:02):
Like you shouldn't burn, uh, shouldn't set yourself on
fire to keep somebody else warmyes, I mean like they say you
have to put on your own oxygenmask on the plane before you can
put on somebody else's right.
It's a balance and you have tokind of listen to your own needs
.
Yeah, um, but I have noticedpeople wanting a community but
(30:23):
just being a little bit moreindividually focused, to the
point where it's like is thisreally a need?
Sean (30:28):
or you just kind of feel like a little like yeah, right,
and sometimes it is like well,nobody's dying, just just do it.
Just do some like kind of like.
I think you are you the onethat said just do the thing yeah
, that was my first episode.
Parker (30:41):
Oh, my god, I love you.
Did you one that said just dothe thing.
Sean (30:43):
Yeah, that was my first episode.
Parker (30:45):
Oh, my God, I love you, did you listen.
Sean (30:45):
Yeah, sean, yeah.
So I think you just got to doit.
Parker (30:49):
Yeah, there's a balance, though.
I do hear you, if you're incrisis mode, you need to look
out for yourself, but part oflike showing up for each other's
celebrations and difficultiesis like showing up other
celebrations and difficulties islike showing up, right.
Sean (31:05):
Yeah, well, that's even like internal, your internal
struggles of just being shy andbeing timid is like sometimes.
Sometimes you just just go andyou don't have to contribute.
You don't have to, you know,overextend yourself, don't feel
like you need to do more than be, to be more than yourself,
because people aren't lookingfor people to be, uh, what they
(31:26):
want.
Parker (31:26):
They're looking for people to be what they are right
yeah so like they want the realyou you want the real you yeah,
and if they don't meet the realyou, eventually the real you is
going to.
Yeah, yeah no, maybe, though,like you said, like maybe, you
just kind of have to putyourself out there and that
doesn't feel like comfortable,but still you, that's you making
(31:51):
the brave decision, even if itfeels like out of comfort zone.
If you could give somebody ahandful of advice, like you know
, the three top things to builda community, what would you say?
Sean (32:07):
those pieces of advice are oh, let me go to my list.
Parker (32:12):
Look, he prepped.
Sean (32:13):
He prepped.
I mean, obviously the leadthing is always consistency.
Okay, I like that Just likeshowing up I'm just showing up
and being reliable, whether it'sbeing part of another community
or trying to start a community.
Right is just showing up andbeing reliable so that, even if
(32:35):
somebody skips like one week orone day, be like, oh well, so,
and so will be there on this dayand then you know, just
reliability of just beingpresent, is important.
The other thing is justacknowledging people's existence
(32:55):
and just saying hi, you don'teven need to like go into
something deep, but like hello,people sometimes just want you
to know that they're there andknow that they exist.
And I think just accessibility,too, Like that's.
I mean, that goes on anotherlevel, but like of just like
outside of an event or a hobby,is how do you, how do you keep
(33:21):
things alive when it's nothappening?
It's like, well, if anyone everthinks or wants to reach out or
wants to connect you, you know,you've, you know make yourself
accessible in some way, shape orform.
And that's what all thediscords and phone.
You know everyone's got a cellphone now and it's so easy to
kind of just connect witheverybody, Instagram or whatever
(33:41):
.
You know everyone's got a cellphone now and it's so easy to
kind of just connect witheverybody, Instagram or whatever
you know, depending on how inor out of the mud of social
websites and stuff you want toget deep into.
Parker (33:52):
If I'm thinking about like maintaining a community too
.
Yeah, one thing that I've triedreally really hard to do
recently Well, actually no, overtime, sometimes I'm better at
it, sometimes I'm not.
But like if somebody crosses mymind, I try and shoot them a
text.
That's just like, hey, thinkingof you, like hope you're doing
well, yeah.
Even if it's not to start aconversation just to be like,
(34:14):
hey, you crossed my mind, likeI'm thinking about you, even if
we don't have the capacity tolike do something or catch up or
whatever.
Like that acknowledgement is agreat way to to maintain in my
mind oh, that's huge, oh,actually.
Sean (34:31):
So there's another.
What's it called?
It's uh.
What's it called when babies,uh, when you play peekaboo?
Parker (34:39):
Oh, the object permanence Is that it.
Sean (34:44):
So there's emotional object permanence, which is like
if I say, hey, parker, I thinkof you, hope you're okay, and
then you don't respond, andemotional object permanence is
like, oh my God, she didn'trespond.
She must hate me, she mustreally think I'm a POS because I
haven't responded.
(35:05):
But that's like just because,like, if you don't say anything,
I assume that you have a, youremotional.
It's horrible.
I start catastrophizing.
That's really dangerous to have.
Parker (35:19):
And I think when you say that Because you don't know
what's going on in their lifeeither.
Sean (35:22):
No, no, no, exactly they might be going through stuff and
they might be like you mighthave just made their day and
they just didn't have the timeto get back to you.
And most people are like I'm ahorrible responder anyway.
So I think it's important tohave the self-confidence to say,
hey, I send this message withlove, with care, and you do with
what you need to and I hopeyou're okay.
And that's the most sincerestway of I think also of doing
(35:48):
that not just for the otherperson, but for yourself, so
that you don't get like, oh God,I haven't heard from Parker.
Okay, I reached out to you, no,I get it though.
Parker (36:00):
Sometimes people are not in a place to respond and it
could just be the timing.
It could be that they opened itwhile they were busy and meant
to get back to you later andthen never did.
Like there's so many thingsthat could be going on.
They could be in a state ofcrisis, but it usually makes
somebody a day like it's nevergonna hurt somebody's day to be
like oh, they reached out to meunless you're like a stalker,
which we're not exactly, yeahand uh, yeah, I think it's like
(36:23):
being earnest showing up.
I love, I love your advice ofjust kind of being consistent
and, um, I think for me I wouldsay, like, just find, find
something that interests you.
Like there are a lot ofcommunity groups or things.
Like you, find a place wherethe people are yeah, it's a
farmer's market or a tournamentor a rec league or a puzzling
(36:48):
competition or a coffee shop orlike whatever.
There are book clubs now andall kinds of things.
Here's the other thing, thoughI will say it is easier in a
city where a lot of these thingsexist, and it has been a while
since I've lived in a rural area.
So I want to be mindful for my,my country folk back in the day
(37:08):
that, um, you can create thatin your small town too.
Like small towns, everyoneknows everyone.
So, um, you could create thatcommunity though, like, and I
bet if you post in your localfacebook group like tom, jim and
sally will show up or at leasttalk about it.
Sean (37:29):
So, if you're consistent, like you said, it's amazing how
the world's getting and how easyit is to just kind of find a
central hub yeah, and I likewhat you said about just like
creating those spaces too.
Parker (37:41):
Like you created the gaming thing or like I don't
know, I just like maybe servingothers in some small ways and is
actually helpful too, like yousaid, creating um resources for
people or information or thingslike that.
Sean (37:58):
Like, yeah, well, like meetups meetups are good,
depending on what.
Like I did the board gamemeetup and that I guess I love
board games, but I was so scaredI haven't done one since.
Um, but then I did.
I did a crochet circle with abunch of fabric did that's right
, yeah, I'm still part of thatgroup and I'm I'm like I need to
(38:20):
go to this every week because Ihave this connection with these
people, uh with with these gals.
Parker (38:26):
They're really nice, I have to be every week.
You can just go every so often.
Sean (38:29):
Yeah it's well, it's monthly and and like you know
the month.
They have weekly ones too, butit's for for them and then even
for, in that case, for other men, because it's such a woman
dominated hobby like I.
Gotta make this place safe formen too you are.
Parker (38:47):
You're crocheting.
You've made some impressivethings.
Man, how do you feel like ifyou were to create one of those
environments?
How do you feel like you makeit approachable for somebody who
is new and like like.
How do you feel like you makeit approachable for somebody who
is new and like like, how doyou not make it the board game
environment, but make it likethe puzzling environment?
Sean (39:05):
you know what I mean uh, I think you like kind of
establish, like you, god, itreally depends on the hobby.
Like puzzling is easy becauseyou have teams, board games is
hard because, like you're justlike, oh, I'm just looking for,
and some people are better atthat, I'm so shy, I'm shy in
those cases.
Parker (39:23):
Um I'm shy when I walk in and it's like a big group,
like it feels overwhelming.
So there either needs to belike somebody to come out and be
like hi and like welcome me in.
This is a lot to take in,whereas, like if there's just
like a straggler here and there,I can approach one person yeah
I don't I just struggle whenit's a large group.
Sean (39:41):
It's still hard from yeah, it is hard from the outside.
So then it's just finding theniche, that niche, hobby or club
or thing that that might beable to integrate, and just
checking it out, just show.
Just showing up is kind of thefirst step in seeing, because
sometimes maybe it's just notyour vibe yeah, that's true.
Parker (39:59):
Um, okay, last question.
I promise, if you could go backand tell little sean in new
jersey, who is scared and justwant friends, what would you
tell sean, little sean then?
Sean (40:13):
oh, little sean had to cope.
Parker (40:14):
Little sean knew this is now it's gonna get better I was
like I asked this question toevery guest and some people are
like so compassionate and you'relike little sean, buck up, you
got it I literally like Iliterally was trying to, to
self-soothe myself as a kid,being like it's gonna get better
.
Sean (40:32):
It's because the kids are horrible.
These are horrible.
We talk about identity.
I had so many nicknames thatweren't sean that I'm like no, I
picked my nickname and now it'sSean.
Parker (40:44):
Wait, your nickname.
It's your real name, not Sean.
Sean (40:49):
Well, people call me Jackie Chan, which is fine, but
in the context of being the onlyAsian person, oh my God.
Parker (40:59):
If you guys could see my face right now.
Sean (41:06):
Oh my God, if you guys could see my face right now.
Oh my god, uh, and yeah, someother like less uh pc names that
uh weren't necessarily great,had them all too.
So, um, yeah, younger sean, uh,you know, it's always gonna get
better, tomorrow's always gonnabe better and usually, uh, no
one's dying sean, yeah, I adoreyou.
Parker (41:26):
Thank you so much for talking.
Anything else you want to add,uh?
Sean (41:33):
I mean no, just be brave, and you know love yourself, you
know love it.
Thanks for listening thank youso much.
Hello and welcome.
Today we have Sean joining us.
Sean is a first generationAmerican from New Jersey who has
found himself in the PacificNorthwest and has developed a
knack for connecting with people.
Earnestly Welcome, Sean.
Hello am so excited to catch up,and you were one of my first
(00:28):
friends when I moved to Portlandbecause you included me in your
group and you invited me out onthe hottest freaking weekend of
the year.
It was like a hundred andsomething and we went out to the
beach and I'm just so gratefulfor you for doing that, and you
have a trend of doing that, ofinviting new people in the area,
um, out to social gatherings.
So is that something thatyou've always done or what kind
(00:51):
of started that habit?
Tell me a little bit about thatbackground that you know it's
funny.
Sean (00:56):
Uh, you're one of like.
There's a handful of peoplethat are like you're the first
friend I had in Portland, likewhat the?
Parker (01:01):
hell.
Technically, helen was my firstfriend, but you were very close
.
Sean (01:06):
But like yeah, no, I mean, and that's fine, but I'm really
surprised that I've come to bethat person.
Yeah, no, I.
Your question was how did I gethere?
Parker (01:18):
Yeah, like, have you always been the kind of person
who extends that olive branch tonew people?
Is that a habit you've alwayshad?
Sean (01:30):
Or kind of tell me about that background for you.
I mean, I was like a timid kidand I was super shy.
I was like an introvert, anextrovert and an introvert's
body.
So I wanted to make friends butI was really super shy growing
up so it was really hard.
I didn't have many friendsgrowing up at all you're the
opposite now so opposite, totalopposite.
But because my parents wereimmigrants and uh yeah, they
(01:52):
came to jersey from texas, frommalaysia, so it's like new, new,
new and um, people sayportland's a white city, it's
got nothing on.
Like my hometown it's like 90percent italians, like eight
percent irish people and thenone percent everything else, two
percent everything else.
(02:12):
So there was a big integration,uh hurdle that I had to uh kind
of tackle growing up and figureout, like for like you know, all
of my like primary, secondaryschool of like, how do I become,
how do I like be American withtwo Like you'll have, like the
(02:34):
Asians, that have like one whiteparent and one Asian parent and
you usually have that one whiteparent is like, oh yeah,
obviously you're going to dressup for Halloween and beg people
for candy and yeah, we're goingto and then allow, do sleepovers
and stuff.
My mother did none of that, myparents did.
We did trick-or-treating but alot of like small cultural norms
(02:54):
I'm still learning today andmaking friends and finding
commonality is something thatgrowing up, I had such a
struggle with that.
Now, when I see people in a newcity, you know and even you see
people who you think might besnobby.
Oftentimes it's just peoplebeing reserved and shy and just
(03:18):
wanting connection or justsaying, hey, I'll connect.
I'm not afraid to connect, Ijust don't know how to reach out
and make that connection.
So usually for me now my habitis like oh just saying hi and
just making eye contact, becausea lot of people even like, what
was it?
(03:39):
I remember Shallow Howe,gwyneth Paltrow was in a fat
suit and she's like, yeah, whenI went down, toco was in a fat
suit and she's like, yeah, whenI went down to the bar, my fat
suit, no one would even make eyecontact with me and I was like,
oh, like that's, that's such a,that's not like isolated to
just you know heavy set people,it's just you know any.
Parker (03:55):
Any people who are like somewhere new is like they just
want that kind of just that lowlevel connection I feel like, as
we've gotten older too, peopleare more set in their friend
groups as it is, unless you kindof are transplant, and so I
remember when I moved toPortland I was like it seems
like everybody's friendly butnobody wants to be my friend,
like they'd be polite and nicebut like it seems like their
(04:16):
group was set and they were goodand they didn't need to add any
more people, or they weren'treally open to adding more
people.
So it's kind of scary and Icould see how this could very
easily turn into like justnavigating, making friends in a
new city.
Who knows, sometimes my topicsgo off off board, but it could
(04:38):
go into the direction of, youknow, being a first generation
person.
You know we could just have youback.
Actually is what I'm feeling,and a multi-part conversation oh
my god, yeah.
Sean (04:57):
Well, you know what's funny too, though, is like um so
so what I find, too, isconsistency is everything Okay,
even if, like, uh, even if youdon't talk to anybody?
I think just being consistentand showing up and becoming a
familiar face eventually leadsto like the connection of, of,
(05:19):
of community and meeting people.
Um, something I don't usuallytalk to you or other people in
our sphere about is that I usedto play fighting games
competitively.
Parker (05:30):
That's cool.
Sean (05:32):
And there.
So the way fighting game works,games work is like there's like
15 different fighting gamesfrom three or four different
companies Back in the day, Ilike in college after this, you
know, hurdle of secondary schoolI ended up just doing a bunch
of research while I was incollege on on one of the one of
(05:53):
these niche fighting games and,um, and just like hosting
tournaments.
So this is just like a hobbyfrom nothing, right, and people
would show up and I'd be likejust pay a dollar.
You know there's all theseother tournaments that you're
paying five and ten dollars forand the way it works is like
everyone pays x amount of moneylike five, ten dollars, five
(06:13):
dollars, ten dollars and thenthey, you know they do a.
You know they just play videogames in a bracket and then the
winner takes all the money ormost of the money you can make
money if you're, you know it'slike any, if you're gonna make
money, you, uh, you can.
Or if you can play good, you canmake money.
Rather, but the consistent,just like having regular events
(06:34):
and showing up to majors, likeeventually garnered this
community and then even justbeing um a source of information
in that specific hobby, endedup creating this like this is
huge community.
That is like international.
Now that I'm like, holy crap, Inever.
(06:55):
This is like it's on a scope,that like it's beyond me and I'm
happy it's beyond me and it'sso small and so niche.
But I'm like, oh, wow, wow,like there's people all over the
world playing this game andpart of it was because of this
foundation I created uh onlineand of information and because
of like these, these uh events,um, that I ended up holding and
(07:20):
that's that's like kind of thekey right now.
I'm, we're uh, my partner and Iuh we've been puzzling
competitively in portland.
Portland has a weekly puzzlecompetition that started two
years ago and two years ago theyhad like 12 teams come every
week and now there's like 30teams every single week and on
(07:42):
the national board for uhnational speed jigsaw puzzling,
we have like two or threemembers like in the top 20 or 30
of the country.
It's.
It's really amazing um and howsmall and grassroots and kind
this community is and you justshow up.
Yeah, you don't.
You don't necessarily need toplace top five, top three every
(08:07):
time, but it's one of thosethings where, even with CrossFit
, you just show up and youeventually start to get names,
you start to meet the peoplethat are really great at this
hobby or even just that are justlike interactive, because,
unlike CrossFit CrossFit'sinteresting we will chat a
little bit, we'll warm up andthen we'll all suffer for like
(08:30):
20 minutes together, butseparately together but
separately, and we're havingthis shade, this shared
suffering, and then, maybe forfive or ten minutes after, we're
like that sucked, yeah, thatsucked.
It's such a funny connectionthat we have, uh, in crossfit,
um, and it's, it's regular, youdo it regularly.
(08:52):
You're like, oh, I'm sufferingwith this person every single
week.
What a great it's a greatbonding experience.
Parker (08:58):
But if I'm thinking about it, you've just listed
like competitive gaming for likea fighting game yeah, speed
puzzling and crossfit.
So I feel like that just showsthat there's a niche for
everyone, no matter how specificyour interest gets oh yeah and
if there's not, it seems likeyou can create something and
most likely, if you get the wordout, people show up.
(09:18):
But oh yeah, how do you getover that discomfort of being
new or putting yourself outthere or showing up to something
or starting something of yourown?
Because it's kind of reallyscary to put yourself out there,
like even if you're sure of whoyou are.
It's like a vulnerableexperience when you don't have
(09:39):
that like safety of people whoknow you Like I don't know how
to get over that.
Sean (09:44):
It's very scary.
You'll notice that all thosethings, aside from puzzling
puzzling can be, they're allindividual things.
As soon as you get to a teamthing, it's very scary.
I uh I remember like when I Igot out, was getting out of my
last, last relationship I waslike I need to do something that
isn't just me playing games inmy room.
I need to like go and expand mycircle and just meet people and
(10:07):
the first thing I tried was aboard game meetup.
Parker (10:11):
And.
Sean (10:12):
I think twice.
I'd walk in, look at all thetables, stare around, act like I
was looking at their products,and then I'd walk out.
It's petrifying.
It's scary, yeah, it'spetrifying, and I mean it's
petrifying and I mean I had likeestablished all my other, you
know, uh, the other groups too,but it's so petrifying like, uh,
(10:32):
um, I think it's just showingup.
Parker (10:35):
I think I like black out and just like do it on a whim
and I'm like fuck it, I'm gonnago for it.
Sean (10:39):
You know yeah.
Parker (10:41):
I, um, when I first moved to Colorado Springs, I was
really struggling, and so Ikept getting ads though for for
like co-rec leagues, and so Iwas like I don't really play any
sports, but I signed up forkickball because I was like
surely if I did it in elementaryschool I can do it now.
And so I signed up for like recleague for kickball.
I did that for one or twoseasons.
(11:01):
It was all right, but I endedup meeting somebody on that
kickball.
I did that for one or twoseasons, um, it was all right,
but I ended up meeting somebodyon that kickball team who
invited me to their volleyballteam, and so now I have like a
very small, small community here.
But it is from signing up forthe volleyball team and, um,
yeah, I do feel like you kind ofjust have to bite the bullet
(11:22):
and put yourself out there, butmaybe you just find digestible
ways to do it and, like you said, like consistency, eventually
it pays off, right, yeah?
Sean (11:32):
So I did two meetups.
So the first was board games,okay, and I met the first time I
met a really nice group, andthen they kind of fizzled off
after COVID, and that's fine.
Parker (11:43):
That happens.
Sean (11:44):
Yeah, but then, yeah, I went back a couple times I was
like this is so scary, I need togo.
And sometimes that happens andsometimes, like for those kind
of things, if you have somebodylike who's willing to join you,
to go out that's where I thinkthat can help.
And you kind of for fightinggames.
(12:04):
We used to do this a lot whenarcades were a thing.
You just go play at an arcadejust to fish.
It was just kind of likeputting a hook in the water Just
to meet, just to fight somebody.
And meet somebody Just to belike oh hey, you're good, are
you competitive?
Do you play outside of here ordo you practice for competitions
?
Do you work?
(12:30):
You're like a little salesrecruiter, you, you, you have to
, because, especially infighting games, because, like
before online and before messageboards and stuff, everyone used
to just kind of like come andgo, you'd know, oh, like, uh,
they'd have long island, joe,you'd have baltimore, uh, tony,
you know, like, literally, theseare real people.
Okay, yeah, yeah, um, and wedon't necessarily like, and then
(12:51):
we don't.
We knew that not with withoutso much effort.
In like crossfit and I do judotoo uh, where somebody new will
come in and you don't have togive them the sales pitch.
You just say hey, and then it's, then it's just easy.
It's like hey, what's your name?
I'm sean.
Like let's suffer together.
Um, how long you've been doingthis, you know.
And then, and then you becomemore than just somebody at the,
(13:15):
at the gym or somebody you know.
I don't know the thing itbecomes.
Parker (13:18):
Oh, this is so, and so I know some of his, their story
yeah, it kind of feels like ifyou are the, the person who's
new or looking for community.
It's like being vulnerable,taking baby steps, putting
yourself out there and if you'rethe one that already has the
community.
Just like being kind andconsiderate enough and like
mindful enough to reach out tosomebody who you don't
(13:42):
necessarily recognize yeah yeah,but I also feel like what's the
worst that can happen?
and oftentimes I feel like theworst that can happen is either
like you have an okay with timewith somebody and you just never
talk again, or you just likedon't make a connection that day
, and I feel like that can feelreally disheartening.
But it's also like, really, isthat the worst thing that
(14:06):
happens?
You know, I don't know it's.
Sean (14:10):
It's kind of like a date too, though you have to have
respect for yourself and lovefor yourself to say well, that
didn't work out and that doesn'tmean I'm a bad person or this
is a bad event.
Parker (14:20):
It means it was just a bad connection yeah, how do you
feel like you navigate that whenyou're kind of testing things
out with a new friend, Becausenot everybody is compatible and
maybe you're not a good fit forfriends Like what do you do then
?
Sean (14:35):
You just I mean, yeah, like I said you, I think you
just have to say this is okay,maybe you're for somebody else.
Um, I'm gonna keep doing mything and be kind because you
can like.
Um, this is this may not have aplace here, but you can be.
You can not like somebody, butstill be civil.
(14:57):
You can have civil distancewith anybody, right, um, and and
yeah, like, we all have hobbiesand I saw in range my partner
like don't, we, don't, we don'tneed to yuck people's hobbies,
you know?
Um, just kind of like, do ourthing.
Um, so, yeah, sometimes, andthere's people who like, don't,
(15:19):
like it's like aggressive salespeople.
Some people I don't likeaggressive sales people.
Parker (15:24):
Like it almost makes me not want to buy from you.
Sean (15:26):
I'm like yeah, okay, yeah and some people, and I've had
people who are like I just wantto work out bro, I'm like that's
fine that's true.
Parker (15:33):
Some people come and they want the privacy and I, I'm
an extrovert.
I think you're an extrovert.
Yeah, like I.
I need the community, like forme, I feel like I've am most
fulfilled and balanced and likestable when I, when I have a
community, yeah, to vent to orhang out with or blow off some
(15:57):
steam with or kind of share, bevulnerable.
Vulnerable with, but I don'tknow like what.
Do you think the importance ofcommunity is?
Sean (16:05):
Like I think we've had moments in doing a workout where
I remember like we'd have a lotof people and I'd have one
group here chatting and onegroup here chatting and one
group here chatting, and I'mlike me, like I think you know,
I usually finish like last orsecond last.
I don't yeah, I never try torush a workout.
(16:28):
I'm just, like you know, tryingto like I'm just doing this,
I'm slow, I know I'm slow andI'm not winning a medal if I, if
I get top top two.
So I'm just like I'm just gonnafinish and then I'm just
huffing and I'm just there inthe center.
I'm like this is great.
I don't need to be connected toeverybody, but to be around a
lot of people without judgmentis great, because there's so
(16:49):
many life is short and there'sso many shitty people out there
that could be judging everythingwe do and being hateful.
That like this is this is likethis is the end goal of like, of
just existence.
You don't necessarily need toconnect to be grateful for, you
(17:09):
know, having people around you.
You know that are friendly andyou know plug in, plug out
whoever you want like.
So I.
I think that's my.
My outlook of appreciation forcommunity comes from just like I
think it comes back to thatroot of just growing with a lot
(17:30):
of like malicious people or evenjust like social ostracism and
isolation from just kind oftrying to integrate and
isolation from just kind oftrying to integrate um would you
?
Parker (17:46):
I mean um?
You're malaysian and and mostasian countries are your parents
are malaysian.
Um yeah, most asian countriesare known as a very like
community society, whereas theus is far more kind of
individualism, like.
Did your parents instill anyhabits in you to try and build a
community, or is that justsomething you were naturally
craving, because you feltdifferent?
Sean (18:07):
I think, yeah, they my.
My father, my parents didRotary which is what is Rotary?
It's?
It's just like a club for oldrich people to donate.
They're in like every town,they're in every town and I
should say, oh, I'm just, I'mdefinitely being uh cynical, um,
(18:28):
but there I.
There has been a drive foryounger uh people to okay but I
think where are you going though?
yeah, they were part of acommunity organization, but it's
such a noble organization andI've definitely been an honorary
Rotary member for years where Iwould just show up and just
help at whatever charity eventthey were doing.
Parker (18:50):
Yeah.
Sean (18:52):
And that networking and even just meeting with people
like they just do nothing, justmeeting with people like they
just do nothing.
They literally just go and have, have a meal, and then they
talk about somebody's somebody'suh charity, like once a week,
you know, or or even healthhabits once every week or every
(19:12):
other week I think it's everyweek and and then they go home.
There's no like the event isjust eating um, which I?
I mean I'm not gonna eat a lotof events surround by food right
.
Parker (19:24):
I feel like you want somebody to show up somewhere.
You offer free food right, yeahright, right, right, right,
right.
Sean (19:30):
So that definitely was one of my things.
They would host.
My parents would host partiesand stuff too, so they were good
, very good, about just engagingwith people and I was
definitely a boy.
I had boy energy.
I was like all over the placeand sean, you still have boy
energy I was parkouring off of,like every wall, wall.
Parker (19:50):
You still do that that's why in their group chats
there's always some kind ofmessage about you parkouring or
Gumby-ing around, and we lovethat.
Sean (20:12):
Yeah, no, it's, it's good and it's not a bad thing to be
known by.
It could always be worse.
Parker (20:17):
Well, I mean clearly I think of you for a lot of things
more than just.
Well, I mean clearly I think ofyou for a lot of things more
than just, because, literally, Ithought of community and I
thought of you.
So, thank you.
Sean (20:42):
So, ok, your parents volunteered and they hosted, and
so they, they did havecommunity as a priority for
themselves as well.
Yeah, but it was like a long, Ithink.
So then my hurdle, though, withthat was that whole integration
component of like well, how doI make friends and how do I show
up, well, actually.
And then the other thing waslike uh, my relationship prior
was very isolating when I movedhere she's like I kind of don't
want to hang out with anybodyand I kind of just want to hang
out with you.
I was like okay, not knowing,kind of learning.
(21:06):
That was like my first bigrelationship where I was
learning what was important tome, what was healthy in a
relationship too.
And it wasn't until I got out ofthat relationship that I said
I'm going to make an effort toengage in my communities more.
And this is after moving here.
After you know, I kind ofpassed the baton off with the
(21:29):
fighting game stuff.
I had friends who were runningall the major tournaments on the
East coast on my behalf now andall the information.
You know the way games can workas they.
They kind of go and go so likethey're still a thriving
community.
But it didn't need me.
I moved here and it was kind oflike a nice soft restart on
life.
But then it wasn't until afterthat relationship that I was
like okay, how do I show up forall my activities of people and
(21:56):
how do?
I expand my circle and it justkind of was just showing up and
saying hi and engaging withpeople and kind of bringing up
the idea hey, we should dosomething.
You know, and as a man I knowtoo, like even as a man in
Portland, I'm like there's nostrings attached.
(22:20):
I'm like this is just like Iwant to engage with you, I want
to get to know you and I want tojust spend quality time with
other human beings because, um,there's a lot of things that I'm
intimidated to do, that you'renot, that you could open my eyes
for, and like, like, surprise,we went to surprise beach.
(22:41):
I would never go to surprisebeach by myself.
Yeah, but it was fun, that wasso much fun and that's yeah,
it's only because of our like wehad each other.
That was like oh, this is righthere, let's do it.
Parker (22:53):
You feel like more courageous once you have
somebody else with you andyou're you can like you said
pull each other in all thesedifferent directions.
Sean (22:59):
Yeah.
Parker (23:03):
Um, pull each other in all these different directions,
yeah, um, well, so you, when youfirst moved there, you were in
a rather isolating relationshipand now you're in quite healthy
relationship.
Yeah, love her for that.
Um, do you feel likefriendships are as important as
romantic relationships?
Because I know like romanticrelationships are almost
idolized to a certain extent,but personally I feel like
friendships are and serve adifferent purpose.
Sean (23:25):
They they do, um, but there are.
You know, friendships are justanother form of relationship and
there's healthy habits we buildengaging with each other and
showing up for each other andsupporting each other.
And you know, because we all Imean you and me, coming from the
(23:52):
East Coast we relate so muchcompared to everyone else around
here.
Parker (23:54):
We always said we had our East Coast things.
Sean (23:55):
Yeah, we do definitely have our East Coast.
We love to complain abouteverything and no one else gets
it.
And I just want to complainabout everything and no one else
gets it, and I just want tocomplain.
Thank you for validating me,and I just want to make us think
.
Parker (24:10):
I'll get over it.
I just need a bitch about it.
I just need to bitch about it.
Sean (24:18):
You know, and I'm going to , I'm going to honk, I'm going
to yell at somebody if they'redoing stupid stuff, you in the
street, um, or if they're rude.
Oh my god.
You both grilled me so hardbecause I was like maybe I'll
put my card away, and you werelike you're not human.
How could you know you have toput your card away.
Parker (24:34):
That's so rude to the people that work there yeah, I'm
gonna call you out on it likewe call?
Yes, you have.
You should call your friendsout on stuff, especially not
putting a damn card away.
What are you?
A heathen?
no, yeah okay well, now that youhave I mean, let's be honest,
we both have gotten intorelationships in the past, you
(24:57):
know few years, yeah and it doesadd another layer of something
to focus on.
So how do you feel like youbalance being there for your
friends with your own needswhether that's in your
relationship or just foryourself, like needing your own
time or needing work on yourthings like?
How do you balance that?
Sean (25:18):
wait, say that again how I balance.
Parker (25:20):
How do you balance like showing up for your friends,
with having your own needs in,say, like your personal
relationship, like or yourromantic relationship?
Sean (25:33):
Oh man, I mean you're always going to prioritize your
personal slash romanticrelationship.
I feel like yeah slash romanticrelationship.
I feel like, yeah, um, but I,even with my partner, like it's,
it's important to have friends,it's so important to have more
than just your, your, your smallworld of you and your partner,
which is, like you know, it'simportant, it's valuable it
(25:55):
can't be your everything it'snot fair I feel like it's not.
It's not fair, but also, um, Ithink just, we add flavor to
each other and and it stillcomes back to like um, we all
are different people and we allprovide opportunities to empower
and provide new experiences andinteractions with each other.
(26:18):
Um, and yeah, I think it's soimportant.
Um, and I'm sure, like even inromantic partners, you both need
breaks from each other.
Um, don't tell rachel, I saidthat I don't, I'm fine I think
it's important.
Parker (26:35):
I think sometimes guys need guys nights or girls need
girls yeah you need aninteraction that brings out a
different side of you, and Icould spend every single day
with my partner like everysingle day, but I still know and
crave and want time with otherpeople as well same same thing,
oh man attracting from him.
It's just like adding to meeven even amongst friends.
Sean (26:57):
I know you and our old group used to have, just like
your girl time.
I was like I want to be part ofthat, but I ain't no girl and I
respect sometimes we let othersinto the girl time, but
sometimes I just need girl timeyeah it's fine.
Yeah, I was like it's.
It's just, you need it.
You know, we all providedifferent things for each other
and, uh, it's healthy, it's sohealthy.
Parker (27:21):
There's a saying that, like you know, it takes a
village, but there's also asaying that I've heard recently
that, like to have a village,you have to be a villager.
I think we've become soindividualized where it's like
you really need to protect yourspace and your boundaries and
then it's gotten, you know whereit is sometimes inconvenient
(27:43):
and I want people to respecttheir needs, but also, like, if
you want people to be there foryou, even when it's hard, like I
feel like you have to sometimesbe there for them.
Sean (27:55):
You do yeah.
Parker (27:56):
Oh yeah.
Sean (27:56):
Well, even like you have to be able to reciprocate for
other people and for yourself,and even for nice things too.
This sounds really stupid, butI was like I've had my therapist
be like, hey, you need to letother people take care of you
too, otherwise your friends aregoing to think you're using them
(28:20):
or they're using you.
Not everyone wants thatrelationship and even then,
that's like you gotta let peoplecelebrate you too, like okay,
yes, yeah, like we.
Parker (28:31):
I think that's the benefit of being friends is like
you get to celebrate each otherand their wins and their
blessings and their lows andtheir struggles, and it's in the
mundane every day, like that'sa part of it.
Sean and I went on a tangent um.
It was inappropriate to do so.
(28:52):
If we had to trim something,welcome back, um.
Sean (28:57):
I have a little anecdote to share.
Um, from sandy hurricane sandy,okay, yeah 12 hit and I
remember after the storm waslike two or three days after the
storm hit, my, my familydecided to stay on the water and
we were on island for like aday and a half and after the
(29:18):
water receded, um, the water gotup to like a foot beneath our
first floor Like it was like youcould hear the water sloshing
up and we're underneath thehouse just pulling all the
insulation off and I go to mydad, like Dad, what about our
neighbors?
Don't we want to help them?
He goes and I remember himsaying he's like how can we help
the other people if we can'teven help ourselves?
(29:40):
We need to help ourselves first.
Um, and that stuck with me sohard because it's so easy for me
to to uh me being me, and thisis like a sean personality thing
to just be like, hey, like letme help, let me help, we help.
But like if, if you got thingsat home or internally you gotta
take care of, like that isalways, that should always be a
(30:02):
priority.
Parker (30:02):
Like you shouldn't burn, uh, shouldn't set yourself on
fire to keep somebody else warmyes, I mean like they say you
have to put on your own oxygenmask on the plane before you can
put on somebody else's right.
It's a balance and you have tokind of listen to your own needs
.
Yeah, um, but I have noticedpeople wanting a community but
(30:23):
just being a little bit moreindividually focused, to the
point where it's like is thisreally a need?
Sean (30:28):
or you just kind of feel like a little like yeah, right,
and sometimes it is like well,nobody's dying, just just do it.
Just do some like kind of like.
I think you are you the onethat said just do the thing yeah
, that was my first episode.
Parker (30:41):
Oh, my god, I love you.
Did you one that said just dothe thing.
Sean (30:43):
Yeah, that was my first episode.
Parker (30:45):
Oh, my God, I love you, did you listen.
Sean (30:45):
Yeah, sean, yeah.
So I think you just got to doit.
Parker (30:49):
Yeah, there's a balance, though.
I do hear you, if you're incrisis mode, you need to look
out for yourself, but part oflike showing up for each other's
celebrations and difficultiesis like showing up other
celebrations and difficulties islike showing up, right.
Sean (31:05):
Yeah, well, that's even like internal, your internal
struggles of just being shy andbeing timid is like sometimes.
Sometimes you just just go andyou don't have to contribute.
You don't have to, you know,overextend yourself, don't feel
like you need to do more than be, to be more than yourself,
because people aren't lookingfor people to be, uh, what they
(31:26):
want.
Parker (31:26):
They're looking for people to be what they are right
yeah so like they want the realyou you want the real you yeah,
and if they don't meet the realyou, eventually the real you is
going to.
Yeah, yeah no, maybe, though,like you said, like maybe, you
just kind of have to putyourself out there and that
doesn't feel like comfortable,but still you, that's you making
(31:51):
the brave decision, even if itfeels like out of comfort zone.
If you could give somebody ahandful of advice, like you know
, the three top things to builda community, what would you say?
Sean (32:07):
those pieces of advice are oh, let me go to my list.
Parker (32:12):
Look, he prepped.
Sean (32:13):
He prepped.
I mean, obviously the leadthing is always consistency.
Okay, I like that Just likeshowing up I'm just showing up
and being reliable, whether it'sbeing part of another community
or trying to start a community.
Right is just showing up andbeing reliable so that, even if
(32:35):
somebody skips like one week orone day, be like, oh well, so,
and so will be there on this dayand then you know, just
reliability of just beingpresent, is important.
The other thing is justacknowledging people's existence
(32:55):
and just saying hi, you don'teven need to like go into
something deep, but like hello,people sometimes just want you
to know that they're there andknow that they exist.
And I think just accessibility,too, Like that's.
I mean, that goes on anotherlevel, but like of just like
outside of an event or a hobby,is how do you, how do you keep
(33:21):
things alive when it's nothappening?
It's like, well, if anyone everthinks or wants to reach out or
wants to connect you, you know,you've, you know make yourself
accessible in some way, shape orform.
And that's what all thediscords and phone.
You know everyone's got a cellphone now and it's so easy to
kind of just connect witheverybody, Instagram or whatever
(33:41):
.
You know everyone's got a cellphone now and it's so easy to
kind of just connect witheverybody, Instagram or whatever
you know, depending on how inor out of the mud of social
websites and stuff you want toget deep into.
Parker (33:52):
If I'm thinking about like maintaining a community too
.
Yeah, one thing that I've triedreally really hard to do
recently Well, actually no, overtime, sometimes I'm better at
it, sometimes I'm not.
But like if somebody crosses mymind, I try and shoot them a
text.
That's just like, hey, thinkingof you, like hope you're doing
well, yeah.
Even if it's not to start aconversation just to be like,
(34:14):
hey, you crossed my mind, likeI'm thinking about you, even if
we don't have the capacity tolike do something or catch up or
whatever.
Like that acknowledgement is agreat way to to maintain in my
mind oh, that's huge, oh,actually.
Sean (34:31):
So there's another.
What's it called?
It's uh.
What's it called when babies,uh, when you play peekaboo?
Parker (34:39):
Oh, the object permanence Is that it.
Sean (34:44):
So there's emotional object permanence, which is like
if I say, hey, parker, I thinkof you, hope you're okay, and
then you don't respond, andemotional object permanence is
like, oh my God, she didn'trespond.
She must hate me, she mustreally think I'm a POS because I
haven't responded.
(35:05):
But that's like just because,like, if you don't say anything,
I assume that you have a, youremotional.
It's horrible.
I start catastrophizing.
That's really dangerous to have.
Parker (35:19):
And I think when you say that Because you don't know
what's going on in their lifeeither.
Sean (35:22):
No, no, no, exactly they might be going through stuff and
they might be like you mighthave just made their day and
they just didn't have the timeto get back to you.
And most people are like I'm ahorrible responder anyway.
So I think it's important tohave the self-confidence to say,
hey, I send this message withlove, with care, and you do with
what you need to and I hopeyou're okay.
And that's the most sincerestway of I think also of doing
(35:48):
that not just for the otherperson, but for yourself, so
that you don't get like, oh God,I haven't heard from Parker.
Okay, I reached out to you, no,I get it though.
Parker (36:00):
Sometimes people are not in a place to respond and it
could just be the timing.
It could be that they opened itwhile they were busy and meant
to get back to you later andthen never did.
Like there's so many thingsthat could be going on.
They could be in a state ofcrisis, but it usually makes
somebody a day like it's nevergonna hurt somebody's day to be
like oh, they reached out to meunless you're like a stalker,
which we're not exactly, yeahand uh, yeah, I think it's like
(36:23):
being earnest showing up.
I love, I love your advice ofjust kind of being consistent
and, um, I think for me I wouldsay, like, just find, find
something that interests you.
Like there are a lot ofcommunity groups or things.
Like you, find a place wherethe people are yeah, it's a
farmer's market or a tournamentor a rec league or a puzzling
(36:48):
competition or a coffee shop orlike whatever.
There are book clubs now andall kinds of things.
Here's the other thing, thoughI will say it is easier in a
city where a lot of these thingsexist, and it has been a while
since I've lived in a rural area.
So I want to be mindful for my,my country folk back in the day
(37:08):
that, um, you can create thatin your small town too.
Like small towns, everyoneknows everyone.
So, um, you could create thatcommunity though, like, and I
bet if you post in your localfacebook group like tom, jim and
sally will show up or at leasttalk about it.
Sean (37:29):
So, if you're consistent, like you said, it's amazing how
the world's getting and how easyit is to just kind of find a
central hub yeah, and I likewhat you said about just like
creating those spaces too.
Parker (37:41):
Like you created the gaming thing or like I don't
know, I just like maybe servingothers in some small ways and is
actually helpful too, like yousaid, creating um resources for
people or information or thingslike that.
Sean (37:58):
Like, yeah, well, like meetups meetups are good,
depending on what.
Like I did the board gamemeetup and that I guess I love
board games, but I was so scaredI haven't done one since.
Um, but then I did.
I did a crochet circle with abunch of fabric did that's right
, yeah, I'm still part of thatgroup and I'm I'm like I need to
(38:20):
go to this every week because Ihave this connection with these
people, uh with with these gals.
Parker (38:26):
They're really nice, I have to be every week.
You can just go every so often.
Sean (38:29):
Yeah it's well, it's monthly and and like you know
the month.
They have weekly ones too, butit's for for them and then even
for, in that case, for other men, because it's such a woman
dominated hobby like I.
Gotta make this place safe formen too you are.
Parker (38:47):
You're crocheting.
You've made some impressivethings.
Man, how do you feel like ifyou were to create one of those
environments?
How do you feel like you makeit approachable for somebody who
is new and like like.
How do you feel like you makeit approachable for somebody who
is new and like like, how doyou not make it the board game
environment, but make it likethe puzzling environment?
Sean (39:05):
you know what I mean uh, I think you like kind of
establish, like you, god, itreally depends on the hobby.
Like puzzling is easy becauseyou have teams, board games is
hard because, like you're justlike, oh, I'm just looking for,
and some people are better atthat, I'm so shy, I'm shy in
those cases.
Parker (39:23):
Um I'm shy when I walk in and it's like a big group,
like it feels overwhelming.
So there either needs to belike somebody to come out and be
like hi and like welcome me in.
This is a lot to take in,whereas, like if there's just
like a straggler here and there,I can approach one person yeah
I don't I just struggle whenit's a large group.
Sean (39:41):
It's still hard from yeah, it is hard from the outside.
So then it's just finding theniche, that niche, hobby or club
or thing that that might beable to integrate, and just
checking it out, just show.
Just showing up is kind of thefirst step in seeing, because
sometimes maybe it's just notyour vibe yeah, that's true.
Parker (39:59):
Um, okay, last question.
I promise, if you could go backand tell little sean in new
jersey, who is scared and justwant friends, what would you
tell sean, little sean then?
Sean (40:13):
oh, little sean had to cope.
Parker (40:14):
Little sean knew this is now it's gonna get better I was
like I asked this question toevery guest and some people are
like so compassionate and you'relike little sean, buck up, you
got it I literally like Iliterally was trying to, to
self-soothe myself as a kid,being like it's gonna get better
.
Sean (40:32):
It's because the kids are horrible.
These are horrible.
We talk about identity.
I had so many nicknames thatweren't sean that I'm like no, I
picked my nickname and now it'sSean.
Parker (40:44):
Wait, your nickname.
It's your real name, not Sean.
Sean (40:49):
Well, people call me Jackie Chan, which is fine, but
in the context of being the onlyAsian person, oh my God.
Parker (40:59):
If you guys could see my face right now.
Sean (41:06):
Oh my God, if you guys could see my face right now.
Oh my god, uh, and yeah, someother like less uh pc names that
uh weren't necessarily great,had them all too.
So, um, yeah, younger sean, uh,you know, it's always gonna get
better, tomorrow's always gonnabe better and usually, uh, no
one's dying sean, yeah, I adoreyou.
Parker (41:26):
Thank you so much for talking.
Anything else you want to add,uh?
Sean (41:33):
I mean no, just be brave, and you know love yourself, you
know love it.
Thanks for listening thank youso much.
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