Contingent Self-Esteem?

If your confidence soars after a win and sinks at the first stumble, you’re not alone. We unpack the hidden cost of contingent self-esteem—the kind that depends on likes, invites, revenue spikes, and perfect days—and show a kinder, stronger path to feeling solid no matter what the scoreboard says.

And, as a special bonus, I want to give you FREE access to my signature course, Slay Your Year (usually $997)! All you have to do is:

• Leave a review of this podcast.
• Email a screenshot of your review to [e-mail]

Simple as that!

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Let It Be Easy with Susie Moore.
Let's talk today, my friends,about something called
contingent self-esteem.
Now, self-esteem is somethingthat we talk about a lot in
self-coaching society.

(00:21):
And what self-esteem is and howit shows up, we interpret
differently.
It's as if we feel as if ourself-esteem is good on days when
we feel good, when life isworking out, and then the
self-esteem suddenly evaporateswhen there's a mistake.
Maybe when you think that you'vemessed up, maybe you're not

(00:43):
invited to that event.
Maybe you see people doingthings that are cooler than you,
or they feel further ahead intheir lives, and then all of a
sudden your self-esteem goes outthe window.
This is what it means to havecontingent self-esteem versus
authentic self-esteem.
Authentic self-esteem, in short,is feeling good no matter what

(01:08):
is going on on the outside ofyour life.
Whether people love you or not,whether you're invited or not,
whether you have the most uhimpressive outfit or not,
whether you've had a goodbusiness year or not.
When our self-esteem iscontingent on life going well,
it is exhausting.

(01:29):
When you live your life andmeasure how you feel based on
outcomes, maybe it's likes,maybe it's cash in the bank,
maybe it's your productivity,maybe it's how your body looks,
it's different for everybody.
You don't actually possessauthentic self-esteem.
You are borrowing it, rentingit, let's say, from temporary

(01:51):
results.
And if that's you, if you onlytend to feel good when life is
working well in air quotes, whenthings are just going
swimmingly, even if it's justfor a short period, aren't you
tired?
Oh, I've lived this way.
When my value has feltconditional to me on being a top

(02:11):
employee, on being an awesomefriend, on being someone who is
always having fun, on someonewho's always making moves.
It's like the results can bethere, but the peace itself,
that thing that we actuallyyearn for and want the most, it
can never quite like it cannever quite land, it can never
quite arrive in our lives.
There isn't a uh an open doorfor it because a door keeps

(02:33):
closing, blowing open andclosing based on what's going on
in the outside of ourexperience.
And it does feel fragile becauseit is, it is fragile, it's
contingent on things going theway that we want them to go.
This is why, and you may evenconsider yourself a very high
achiever, we sometimes feelanxious even after winning.

(02:56):
We're like, okay, so what's thenext win?
How am I gonna sustain this?
Real self-esteem, lastingself-esteem exists no matter
what, even after you've messedup, even after you drank too
much, even after you didn'tfollow through on that thing,
you miss the deadline.

(03:17):
It's not a negotiable thing.
It's not to say we don't want totake different actions and make
different decisions, that's aseparate conversation.
But authentic self-esteem isalways going to be rooted in you
knowing your inherentworthiness, no matter what you
do, no matter what you've done,no matter what you fail to do.

(03:40):
It's not a negotiation ever.
If you want more help with this,I really hope to see you in
self-coaching society at somepoint, perhaps in the new year,
so that we can really understandwhat it is to feel good, to be
relaxed with ourselves, and tobe in this place of acceptance
of who we are no matter what.

(04:02):
Until tomorrow, my friends.
So much love and ease.
Hey friend, I've got somethingreally cool for you.
I want to give you free accessto my signature course called
Slay Your Year, which typicallysells for$997.
You can check it out, all thedetails at SlayYour Year.com.

(04:24):
All you have to do to get accessis leave me a review, leave a
review of this podcast on ApplePodcasts, take a snapshot of it,
and send it to info atsusymour.com.
That's info at susie more.com,and we'll get you set up with
access.