March 1, 2025 • 25 mins
Hess and Delbert take a deep dive into the art of listening. They share personal anecdotes and techniques on how to truly hear and connect with others. From recognizing the importance of meeting people where they are to understanding the power of being still in conversations, they explore various facets of effective communication. The discussion also touches on dealing with difficult people and the significance of empathy in fostering genuine human connections. Tune in to learn how to listen not just with your ears, but with your heart and mind, to create more meaningful interactions in your everyday life.
Update on my friend José and his cancer treatments. After the first rounds of chemo, after new scans--the good news is that the tumor in the colon has shrunk, but they have increased in his liver. His oncologist has increasd the power of the chemo to help irradicate it elsewhere. Thank you so much for your support to Jose!
https://gofund.me/e6f61999
In addition to being a podcast host, Hess is also an LCSW--if you'd like to learn more about her work as a therapist, check it out at www.jessicabollinger.com
One of her mission's is for all of our lights to shine--when we see each other and allow ourself to be seen--and we can say to the person in front of us, There You Are! the world will be an amazing place!
Delbert is a realtor in Louisville, KY, and you can find her at Kentucky Select Properties
Her philanthropic work to continue her sister Carole and niece Meghan is Carole's Kitchen. Blessings in a Backpack helps feed the many hungry students in our schools. The instagram account is: https://www.instagram.com/caroleskitchen.nonprofit?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==
...
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hess (00:00):
Here we are.
(00:02):
I'm Hess.
Welcome to, let me tell you thisabout that.
Delbert (00:06):
Hey everybody.
It's Delbert and I'm on thegreen couch again, but don't
worry.
I do get up and do stuff everyday.
I'm not always sitting here,it's just my favorite place to
be because it is beautiful outtoday.
The sky is blue.
It's not that warm out, but it'sokay.
(00:27):
The sun's out.
Hess (2) (00:29):
It's okay, you've already shaken off.
You're already done with winter,and so you have that in your
brain, and so you're notexperiencing that.
It's even gonna be 19 degreestonight.
And I look out my window and allI see is green grass.
So that's just my attitude
Delbert (00:46):
There we go.
Hess (2) (00:48):
and.
Delbert (00:48):
solved.
Hess (2) (00:49):
I'm gonna keep it.
I'm gonna keep it.
All righty.
So let me tell you this aboutthat folks.
We thought about, let's talkabout listening and how
important it is to listen and.
I was telling Delbert, it's it'smy theme.
(01:10):
I'm, I've finished writingabout.
There you are.
That, and that's the title of mybook.
There you are.
I've trademarked.
There you are.
And.
My, my feeling about there youare is then I can, if I say
There you are, I can really seethe other person and I can meet
(01:30):
the other person where they are.
It's really important for me tolisten to the other person, to
be able to really see them andget them and be able to say,
there you are.
Delbert (01:43):
I love that Hass and.
I told Hess, I think she's agreat listener.
It's really part of what you dofor a living is to be a really
good listener and to really seepeople and see where they are.
And I always feel very and heardby you.
Hess (2) (02:03):
Thanks Tabbert.
I'll write in when I see aclient as we're having a
session, if there's somethingthat comes up that we're gonna
work on the next week, I'llwrite it in the top right
corner.
And when they come back in, thenext time I see them.
I'll pull their folder out.
I'll see that, and I'll say,okay, this is where we were and
I wrote this down.
(02:24):
And it might not be where theyare right now.
And I can't have it in my head,okay, this is what we're working
on.
Let's grab it and let's go.
It might not be what's pertinentright now, so I can make up in
my head what we need to do, butit might not be the thing we
really need to do.
So I need to.
(02:45):
Decelerate.
Stop, be patient.
Cross the bridge, see what'sgoing on.
That to figure out really do weneed, what do you wanna work on
now?
Where are you right now?
Delbert (02:57):
I love that and part of listening really is meeting
people where they are right thisminute.
What do they need in thatmoment?
It's the beautiful thing abouthuman interaction.
I.
And we're not always gonna getit perfect, if we try to be good
listeners, that's the firststep,
Hess (2) (03:19):
Yeah, and we have to suspend what we think in our own
head.
Delbert (03:22):
right?
Hess (2) (03:23):
to suspend my world and I'll get a little clear
little back.
I'll have my little visa andcross the bridge over to the
other person's world.
Delbert (03:36):
Right and that really is there they are.
I was telling Hess that I don'tfeel like I'm a very good
listener.
I have a story, honey, foreverything that ever happened on
Earth, I think, and a lot oftimes when somebody tells me
something.
(03:56):
Personal or that they'reembarrassed about, or maybe
that's a struggle for them.
I always try to make them feelless alone with one of my
stories, and I really have triedto stop doing that because I
think in that moment people justwanna be heard.
They just want you to hear'em.
They wanna express themselves.
(04:17):
And I'm gonna try to startpracticing that a little bit
better.
Hess (2) (04:22):
Say more Delbert about how you listen to vibes.
Delbert (04:26):
Oh I don't know why it's just something in me, but I
am good in picking up on vibes.
I am good about picking up onpeople's reactions and their
demeanor and I was telling Hesswhen we were talking earlier, I
said, I'm not a great listenerwith my ears, but I'm a really
(04:50):
good listener with my eyes andwith my heart.
I really do try to watch whatpeople are saying to me with
their actions.
And I was given an example aboutthe pantry at Seneca.
It's our biggest pantry and.
My friend Bobby, is just reallyinto getting the kids into
(05:13):
cooking healthy meals and hecooks a special recipe using the
pantry ingredients, and thenwe'll bring some fresh
vegetables and fruit and stuffin, but he tries to make it
really simple warm.
Especially in the winter, wecook warm foods I was telling
Hess that a lot of the kids willeat it, eat the recipe while
(05:35):
they're there and love it.
But very few of them were takingthe recipe and the ingredients
home, and just had a sneakingsuspicion that they didn't have
anything to cook with at home.
And.
So the last time we had pantry,I took a signup sheet and I
said, if you don't have anythingto cook with at home, I want you
(05:58):
to sign up on this sheet if youwould like a crockpot to cook
with.
And almost half of the kidssigned up for a crock pot.
And so we were able to get'em,crockpots and ha pass'em out
this week with another volunteerfrom Sacred Heart from the
school Hess.
And I went to, made a crockpotrecipe book with little
(06:20):
handwritten messages.
And then my niece, Lizzie, mylittle spiritual sister, she
came and helped and it was justthe most amazing day and that
was really.
One time that I did listen good,but just with my heart and with
my observation of what was goingon, I just had a intuition about
(06:43):
it, and so I, I can pick up onvibes in rooms.
I, I love it when people feelwelcome if I have a party or
throw an event.
I want people to be met at thedoor as soon as they walk in.
I wanna know what they like.
Do they want a glass of water?
Do they want a glass of wine?
(07:03):
Do they like lemonade?
I like to know and I like tojust make everybody feel at home
because when everybody feelscomfortable.
And feels good.
There's just a vibe in the air.
And that's what was going on atSeneca this past week when
everybody had something theycould take home to prepare a
(07:23):
meal with for their family.
before maybe we would give out10 bags of the recipe, and I
think we gave up 20 or more,this past week to the kids.
So that was super exciting.
And.
Hess (2) (07:42):
So you doubled the amount of.
Things that they took back tofix the recipe because they had
that crockpot to fix it in.
Delbert (07:50):
They had the means, right?
So I'm gonna try to startlistening as good with my ears
as I do with my heart, reallypractice on that.
And just, I always wanna fixeverything for people.
I'm an oldest grandchild andoldest child.
And I
Hess (2) (08:07):
now you're not talking about food, fixing food for
people.
You're talking about fixing.
Fixing what?
Delbert (08:13):
yeah, we all know I'm a terrible cook.
I'm not trying to fix some food,but, no, I just, if somebody has
a problem, they tell me aboutit.
I just wanna fix it.
And really, I just think peoplejust want you to hear'em out and
let'em sort, let them talkthrough it themselves.
And if they ask you for youropinion, if they ask me for my
opinion, I'll give it to'em.
(08:34):
I'm just gonna little lesstalkie a little more listening,
listening.
Hess (2) (08:41):
I was hearing somebody talk yesterday about working
with difficult people and whatthe gist of it was like, I.
Get outta your head that thisperson's difficult because
that's a judgment.
And if we're there, we're we'reputting up a wall.
Just being present and lettingthat person finish a sentence,
(09:04):
letting them, how often we don'tlet someone just finish their
sentence.
And that, we can think this iswhat they're gonna say.
Let me tell you this about thatDelbert, that's what's popping
in for me right now.
I grew up where there wasn't alot of communication going on,
and when somebody, when I was akid and I witnessed like people
(09:29):
finishing each other'ssentences, that's what I thought
was good listening, and yeah,and I am doing my internship.
As a child victim advocate witha child victim advocate.
I wasn't the child victimadvocate, but I was in Woodford
County working with the childvictim advocate.
(09:49):
One of the supervisors there.
I'm 36 years old than Delbert.
I'd gone back to school to getmy Master's of social work, so I
was older when I did that, but Iam with that supervisor and I
just really wanna demonstratewith her that I'm really
interested in what she's saying.
So I'm like.
Finishing the sentences and shesays, would you please stop and
(10:14):
let me finish?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that well, oh, wake up.
That woke me up.
Wow.
Oh, I do that.
You are right.
And it really is pretty magicaljust to allow somebody to finish
their sentence.
Don't go into what you thinkthey might say next.
(10:36):
Just.
Don't even make up that theymight be difficult.
Just be present.
Listen.
And it might be somebody thatyou don't really like or don't
really wanna work with.
I, I've been studying up onrelationships with narcissists
and they say that you should bea rock with the narcissist.
Not fight back just be still.
(11:00):
Not reply back, not give themanything that's gonna confront
them and then they don't fireback even more at you.
Yeah,
Delbert (11:08):
Sophie taught me that to be the rock.
Hess (2) (11:12):
say more about that.
Delbert (11:14):
She just said, when she's had to deal with people
that were difficult in the past,that she just becomes a rock.
And I'm like, oh wow.
Interesting.
And.
I just pictured her becominglike a little rock, and
everything bouncing off of her,which is what you know, you
shouldn't let people's wordspenetrate you like an arrow,
right?
(11:35):
If you become a rock and youvisualize that in your mind, the
words and the hurt bounce offmore easily, right?
Hess (2) (11:44):
Yeah.
Delbert (11:45):
word.
Hess (2) (11:46):
Yeah.
Delbert (11:47):
And you just don't let the emotion show, and that is
the best way to get rid of anarcissist and to have them stop
talking to you.
Hess (2) (11:57):
Yes.
So that's listening to yourselfand feeling strong in yourself
and being still, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Delbert (12:07):
And being still.
And that's, I don't know aboutyou Hess, but I feel like that's
something like our generation,like we weren't supposed to be
still unless we were in church.
Like we were not supposed to belazy.
We were always supposed to bedoing something.
And and it is hard to be stillwhen you were raised that way.
(12:28):
I.
Hess (2) (12:30):
Hmm.
You had all those siblings.
That there's a whole lot ofaction going on.
There wasn't much stillness inyour house.
Yeah.
Delbert (12:39):
As an adult, I find that I enjoy the stillness more
and more.
but it's something that youreally do have to reset yourself
for, right.
Is a reset button insideyourself.
I'm so glad you brought up therock though.
That's really good.
Sometimes we gotta be the rock.
Hess (2) (12:59):
And if we're still in ourself in that, we don't have
to allow those, any arrows topierce in, and we don't have to,
then we don't have to react tothose arrows.
And then we don't give someonethat's inappropriate.
That's satisfaction that theystuck an arrow in us.
Delbert (13:17):
Because that's all they want is a reaction or they want
your response, so maybe they canturn that on you or It's almost
like gasoline.
It's like fuel for the nextthing.
And if you are just that rock,it just stops it.
It just stops it because there'sno reaction, there's no, fuel.
Hess (2) (13:36):
Right.
It's funny, isn't it, that we,our topic is listening.
And then we've moved into what'sit like to be with somebody
that's not only narcissist, butsomebody that's difficult.
Delbert (13:49):
That's when it's hard for us to listen sometimes.
What comes up for me too, aboutlistening is.
Sometimes you'll be in a classor a meeting or something and pe
people interrupt the speaker andask questions in between the
presentation and that drives mecrazy.
Hess (2) (14:10):
Because it might stop the flow of the presentation.
Delbert (14:12):
I think.
So I, yeah unless they say, feelfree to interject any questions.
but I don't think it'srespectful of other people's
time either.
Hess (2) (14:23):
I got you.
Delbert, something that's comingup for me right now in our flow
of conversation is with phonesnow we're able to witness some
things that go on in outsidethere in the world when someone
brings their phone out and theyvideotape something.
(14:44):
And in the George Floydincident, we were able to be
there and be present.
To all of those minutes that hewas being held down and choked.
And then as an individual and somany individuals that witnessed
that, then we're able toascertain our own feelings about
(15:06):
that.
And it's important and that theopportunity to get this
eyewitness from a lot ofdifferent people to be able to
interpret.
To say this is not made upbehind closed doors, and we're
able to see it just out frontcenter what actually happened.
(15:28):
I think that's important.
That's another way that welisten to things that happen out
there.
Delbert (15:35):
That's a good point.
I like that.
Yeah.
We're, we have access to so muchmore, And I do prefer live
stream.
When they go, they show justexactly what happened live,
opposed to somebody'sinterpretation of it.
'cause we get way too much ofthat now.
Lot of times, on both sides ofthe aisle, people aren't
(16:00):
listening to what the person isactually saying.
then we get all these differentversions of the truth.
Hess (2) (16:07):
Mm-hmm.
Delbert (16:08):
Think in this time in the world, it's so important to
listen to each other, see eachother where we are, to be
empathetic and give the person achance give people a chance and
to really listen with an openheart and an open mind.
Hess (2) (16:29):
Absolutely.
Because that's the only way Ican really walk in their shoes
or feel what it's like to weartheir shoes.
Delbert (16:38):
Exactly.
Hess (2) (16:39):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Delbert (16:41):
about brotherhood and sisterhood and just being kind.
Being kind.
And.
I think we're just gonna screwup.
Like I said, I'm not always agreat listener because I have so
much to tell.
I think, I don't really, but Ithink I do.
(17:03):
But just to try to be better, I.
Hess (2) (17:08):
Yeah.
Yeah, because we can all getinto our own interpretation if
we don't really listen, if Idon't, if I don't set myself
aside and get my little gladbag, clear bag with my visa in
it and cross the bridge into theother person's world.
Delbert (17:23):
Exactly.
Hess (2) (17:25):
Yeah.
It's about getting information,as much information as we can
before we make thatinterpretation.
Delbert (17:32):
That's the perfect way to, to say it.
Our brains love information.
Let's gather it about our fellowman and take it all in and make
a loving decision about each andevery person that we encounter.
That's how we work everythingout.
(17:52):
How we'll work out this world.
Do you wanna hear my quote?
Hess (2) (17:57):
Yeah, let's hear your quote.
Delbert (18:00):
From Paul Tillage, and it's short because I shouldn't
be talking a lot.
I should be listening.
The first duty of love tolisten.
Hess (2) (18:15):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And when we listen, sometimes wecould feel uncomfortable and we
gotta be able to feel thediscomfort
Delbert (18:23):
Yeah,
Hess (2) (18:24):
of listen.
Delbert (18:25):
Take a deep breath and be in the moment.
Ground yourself and be still.
Hess (2) (18:32):
Yeah.
Listen to yourself.
Yeah.
Good.
Bert Steep stuff.
Thanks listeners for joining in.
I think you know where we're atright now, and we love you.
We're so glad that you're herelistening and we wanna show up.
These conversations help usprocess difficult things during
(18:54):
the week.
Like you bought all thoseCrockpots, Delbert and you threw
your back out, but you didn'tfeel it while you were in the
motion of doing it.
It was afterwards you realizedthat you threw your back out
And,
Delbert (19:06):
so excited.
Hess (2) (19:07):
Yeah.
And as Lester Holt says, takecare of yourself and take care
of other people.
Delbert (19:13):
That's right.
Hess (2) (19:14):
Yeah.
Delbert (19:14):
Lester.
Try to get home every night towatch Lester and listen to him.
Hess (2) (19:20):
Y'all, peace and love.
We love you and share this.
Take care.
Delbert (19:27):
Bye friends.
Peace and love.
We love you and we're listening.
Here we are.
(00:02):
I'm Hess.
Welcome to, let me tell you thisabout that.
Delbert (00:06):
Hey everybody.
It's Delbert and I'm on thegreen couch again, but don't
worry.
I do get up and do stuff everyday.
I'm not always sitting here,it's just my favorite place to
be because it is beautiful outtoday.
The sky is blue.
It's not that warm out, but it'sokay.
(00:27):
The sun's out.
Hess (2) (00:29):
It's okay, you've already shaken off.
You're already done with winter,and so you have that in your
brain, and so you're notexperiencing that.
It's even gonna be 19 degreestonight.
And I look out my window and allI see is green grass.
So that's just my attitude
Delbert (00:46):
There we go.
Hess (2) (00:48):
and.
Delbert (00:48):
solved.
Hess (2) (00:49):
I'm gonna keep it.
I'm gonna keep it.
All righty.
So let me tell you this aboutthat folks.
We thought about, let's talkabout listening and how
important it is to listen and.
I was telling Delbert, it's it'smy theme.
(01:10):
I'm, I've finished writingabout.
There you are.
That, and that's the title of mybook.
There you are.
I've trademarked.
There you are.
And.
My, my feeling about there youare is then I can, if I say
There you are, I can really seethe other person and I can meet
(01:30):
the other person where they are.
It's really important for me tolisten to the other person, to
be able to really see them andget them and be able to say,
there you are.
Delbert (01:43):
I love that Hass and.
I told Hess, I think she's agreat listener.
It's really part of what you dofor a living is to be a really
good listener and to really seepeople and see where they are.
And I always feel very and heardby you.
Hess (2) (02:03):
Thanks Tabbert.
I'll write in when I see aclient as we're having a
session, if there's somethingthat comes up that we're gonna
work on the next week, I'llwrite it in the top right
corner.
And when they come back in, thenext time I see them.
I'll pull their folder out.
I'll see that, and I'll say,okay, this is where we were and
I wrote this down.
(02:24):
And it might not be where theyare right now.
And I can't have it in my head,okay, this is what we're working
on.
Let's grab it and let's go.
It might not be what's pertinentright now, so I can make up in
my head what we need to do, butit might not be the thing we
really need to do.
So I need to.
(02:45):
Decelerate.
Stop, be patient.
Cross the bridge, see what'sgoing on.
That to figure out really do weneed, what do you wanna work on
now?
Where are you right now?
Delbert (02:57):
I love that and part of listening really is meeting
people where they are right thisminute.
What do they need in thatmoment?
It's the beautiful thing abouthuman interaction.
I.
And we're not always gonna getit perfect, if we try to be good
listeners, that's the firststep,
Hess (2) (03:19):
Yeah, and we have to suspend what we think in our own
head.
Delbert (03:22):
right?
Hess (2) (03:23):
to suspend my world and I'll get a little clear
little back.
I'll have my little visa andcross the bridge over to the
other person's world.
Delbert (03:36):
Right and that really is there they are.
I was telling Hess that I don'tfeel like I'm a very good
listener.
I have a story, honey, foreverything that ever happened on
Earth, I think, and a lot oftimes when somebody tells me
something.
(03:56):
Personal or that they'reembarrassed about, or maybe
that's a struggle for them.
I always try to make them feelless alone with one of my
stories, and I really have triedto stop doing that because I
think in that moment people justwanna be heard.
They just want you to hear'em.
They wanna express themselves.
(04:17):
And I'm gonna try to startpracticing that a little bit
better.
Hess (2) (04:22):
Say more Delbert about how you listen to vibes.
Delbert (04:26):
Oh I don't know why it's just something in me, but I
am good in picking up on vibes.
I am good about picking up onpeople's reactions and their
demeanor and I was telling Hesswhen we were talking earlier, I
said, I'm not a great listenerwith my ears, but I'm a really
(04:50):
good listener with my eyes andwith my heart.
I really do try to watch whatpeople are saying to me with
their actions.
And I was given an example aboutthe pantry at Seneca.
It's our biggest pantry and.
My friend Bobby, is just reallyinto getting the kids into
(05:13):
cooking healthy meals and hecooks a special recipe using the
pantry ingredients, and thenwe'll bring some fresh
vegetables and fruit and stuffin, but he tries to make it
really simple warm.
Especially in the winter, wecook warm foods I was telling
Hess that a lot of the kids willeat it, eat the recipe while
(05:35):
they're there and love it.
But very few of them were takingthe recipe and the ingredients
home, and just had a sneakingsuspicion that they didn't have
anything to cook with at home.
And.
So the last time we had pantry,I took a signup sheet and I
said, if you don't have anythingto cook with at home, I want you
(05:58):
to sign up on this sheet if youwould like a crockpot to cook
with.
And almost half of the kidssigned up for a crock pot.
And so we were able to get'em,crockpots and ha pass'em out
this week with another volunteerfrom Sacred Heart from the
school Hess.
And I went to, made a crockpotrecipe book with little
(06:20):
handwritten messages.
And then my niece, Lizzie, mylittle spiritual sister, she
came and helped and it was justthe most amazing day and that
was really.
One time that I did listen good,but just with my heart and with
my observation of what was goingon, I just had a intuition about
(06:43):
it, and so I, I can pick up onvibes in rooms.
I, I love it when people feelwelcome if I have a party or
throw an event.
I want people to be met at thedoor as soon as they walk in.
I wanna know what they like.
Do they want a glass of water?
Do they want a glass of wine?
(07:03):
Do they like lemonade?
I like to know and I like tojust make everybody feel at home
because when everybody feelscomfortable.
And feels good.
There's just a vibe in the air.
And that's what was going on atSeneca this past week when
everybody had something theycould take home to prepare a
(07:23):
meal with for their family.
before maybe we would give out10 bags of the recipe, and I
think we gave up 20 or more,this past week to the kids.
So that was super exciting.
And.
Hess (2) (07:42):
So you doubled the amount of.
Things that they took back tofix the recipe because they had
that crockpot to fix it in.
Delbert (07:50):
They had the means, right?
So I'm gonna try to startlistening as good with my ears
as I do with my heart, reallypractice on that.
And just, I always wanna fixeverything for people.
I'm an oldest grandchild andoldest child.
And I
Hess (2) (08:07):
now you're not talking about food, fixing food for
people.
You're talking about fixing.
Fixing what?
Delbert (08:13):
yeah, we all know I'm a terrible cook.
I'm not trying to fix some food,but, no, I just, if somebody has
a problem, they tell me aboutit.
I just wanna fix it.
And really, I just think peoplejust want you to hear'em out and
let'em sort, let them talkthrough it themselves.
And if they ask you for youropinion, if they ask me for my
opinion, I'll give it to'em.
(08:34):
I'm just gonna little lesstalkie a little more listening,
listening.
Hess (2) (08:41):
I was hearing somebody talk yesterday about working
with difficult people and whatthe gist of it was like, I.
Get outta your head that thisperson's difficult because
that's a judgment.
And if we're there, we're we'reputting up a wall.
Just being present and lettingthat person finish a sentence,
(09:04):
letting them, how often we don'tlet someone just finish their
sentence.
And that, we can think this iswhat they're gonna say.
Let me tell you this about thatDelbert, that's what's popping
in for me right now.
I grew up where there wasn't alot of communication going on,
and when somebody, when I was akid and I witnessed like people
(09:29):
finishing each other'ssentences, that's what I thought
was good listening, and yeah,and I am doing my internship.
As a child victim advocate witha child victim advocate.
I wasn't the child victimadvocate, but I was in Woodford
County working with the childvictim advocate.
(09:49):
One of the supervisors there.
I'm 36 years old than Delbert.
I'd gone back to school to getmy Master's of social work, so I
was older when I did that, but Iam with that supervisor and I
just really wanna demonstratewith her that I'm really
interested in what she's saying.
So I'm like.
Finishing the sentences and shesays, would you please stop and
(10:14):
let me finish?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that well, oh, wake up.
That woke me up.
Wow.
Oh, I do that.
You are right.
And it really is pretty magicaljust to allow somebody to finish
their sentence.
Don't go into what you thinkthey might say next.
(10:36):
Just.
Don't even make up that theymight be difficult.
Just be present.
Listen.
And it might be somebody thatyou don't really like or don't
really wanna work with.
I, I've been studying up onrelationships with narcissists
and they say that you should bea rock with the narcissist.
Not fight back just be still.
(11:00):
Not reply back, not give themanything that's gonna confront
them and then they don't fireback even more at you.
Yeah,
Delbert (11:08):
Sophie taught me that to be the rock.
Hess (2) (11:12):
say more about that.
Delbert (11:14):
She just said, when she's had to deal with people
that were difficult in the past,that she just becomes a rock.
And I'm like, oh wow.
Interesting.
And.
I just pictured her becominglike a little rock, and
everything bouncing off of her,which is what you know, you
shouldn't let people's wordspenetrate you like an arrow,
right?
(11:35):
If you become a rock and youvisualize that in your mind, the
words and the hurt bounce offmore easily, right?
Hess (2) (11:44):
Yeah.
Delbert (11:45):
word.
Hess (2) (11:46):
Yeah.
Delbert (11:47):
And you just don't let the emotion show, and that is
the best way to get rid of anarcissist and to have them stop
talking to you.
Hess (2) (11:57):
Yes.
So that's listening to yourselfand feeling strong in yourself
and being still, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Delbert (12:07):
And being still.
And that's, I don't know aboutyou Hess, but I feel like that's
something like our generation,like we weren't supposed to be
still unless we were in church.
Like we were not supposed to belazy.
We were always supposed to bedoing something.
And and it is hard to be stillwhen you were raised that way.
(12:28):
I.
Hess (2) (12:30):
Hmm.
You had all those siblings.
That there's a whole lot ofaction going on.
There wasn't much stillness inyour house.
Yeah.
Delbert (12:39):
As an adult, I find that I enjoy the stillness more
and more.
but it's something that youreally do have to reset yourself
for, right.
Is a reset button insideyourself.
I'm so glad you brought up therock though.
That's really good.
Sometimes we gotta be the rock.
Hess (2) (12:59):
And if we're still in ourself in that, we don't have
to allow those, any arrows topierce in, and we don't have to,
then we don't have to react tothose arrows.
And then we don't give someonethat's inappropriate.
That's satisfaction that theystuck an arrow in us.
Delbert (13:17):
Because that's all they want is a reaction or they want
your response, so maybe they canturn that on you or It's almost
like gasoline.
It's like fuel for the nextthing.
And if you are just that rock,it just stops it.
It just stops it because there'sno reaction, there's no, fuel.
Hess (2) (13:36):
Right.
It's funny, isn't it, that we,our topic is listening.
And then we've moved into what'sit like to be with somebody
that's not only narcissist, butsomebody that's difficult.
Delbert (13:49):
That's when it's hard for us to listen sometimes.
What comes up for me too, aboutlistening is.
Sometimes you'll be in a classor a meeting or something and pe
people interrupt the speaker andask questions in between the
presentation and that drives mecrazy.
Hess (2) (14:10):
Because it might stop the flow of the presentation.
Delbert (14:12):
I think.
So I, yeah unless they say, feelfree to interject any questions.
but I don't think it'srespectful of other people's
time either.
Hess (2) (14:23):
I got you.
Delbert, something that's comingup for me right now in our flow
of conversation is with phonesnow we're able to witness some
things that go on in outsidethere in the world when someone
brings their phone out and theyvideotape something.
(14:44):
And in the George Floydincident, we were able to be
there and be present.
To all of those minutes that hewas being held down and choked.
And then as an individual and somany individuals that witnessed
that, then we're able toascertain our own feelings about
(15:06):
that.
And it's important and that theopportunity to get this
eyewitness from a lot ofdifferent people to be able to
interpret.
To say this is not made upbehind closed doors, and we're
able to see it just out frontcenter what actually happened.
(15:28):
I think that's important.
That's another way that welisten to things that happen out
there.
Delbert (15:35):
That's a good point.
I like that.
Yeah.
We're, we have access to so muchmore, And I do prefer live
stream.
When they go, they show justexactly what happened live,
opposed to somebody'sinterpretation of it.
'cause we get way too much ofthat now.
Lot of times, on both sides ofthe aisle, people aren't
(16:00):
listening to what the person isactually saying.
then we get all these differentversions of the truth.
Hess (2) (16:07):
Mm-hmm.
Delbert (16:08):
Think in this time in the world, it's so important to
listen to each other, see eachother where we are, to be
empathetic and give the person achance give people a chance and
to really listen with an openheart and an open mind.
Hess (2) (16:29):
Absolutely.
Because that's the only way Ican really walk in their shoes
or feel what it's like to weartheir shoes.
Delbert (16:38):
Exactly.
Hess (2) (16:39):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Delbert (16:41):
about brotherhood and sisterhood and just being kind.
Being kind.
And.
I think we're just gonna screwup.
Like I said, I'm not always agreat listener because I have so
much to tell.
I think, I don't really, but Ithink I do.
(17:03):
But just to try to be better, I.
Hess (2) (17:08):
Yeah.
Yeah, because we can all getinto our own interpretation if
we don't really listen, if Idon't, if I don't set myself
aside and get my little gladbag, clear bag with my visa in
it and cross the bridge into theother person's world.
Delbert (17:23):
Exactly.
Hess (2) (17:25):
Yeah.
It's about getting information,as much information as we can
before we make thatinterpretation.
Delbert (17:32):
That's the perfect way to, to say it.
Our brains love information.
Let's gather it about our fellowman and take it all in and make
a loving decision about each andevery person that we encounter.
That's how we work everythingout.
(17:52):
How we'll work out this world.
Do you wanna hear my quote?
Hess (2) (17:57):
Yeah, let's hear your quote.
Delbert (18:00):
From Paul Tillage, and it's short because I shouldn't
be talking a lot.
I should be listening.
The first duty of love tolisten.
Hess (2) (18:15):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And when we listen, sometimes wecould feel uncomfortable and we
gotta be able to feel thediscomfort
Delbert (18:23):
Yeah,
Hess (2) (18:24):
of listen.
Delbert (18:25):
Take a deep breath and be in the moment.
Ground yourself and be still.
Hess (2) (18:32):
Yeah.
Listen to yourself.
Yeah.
Good.
Bert Steep stuff.
Thanks listeners for joining in.
I think you know where we're atright now, and we love you.
We're so glad that you're herelistening and we wanna show up.
These conversations help usprocess difficult things during
(18:54):
the week.
Like you bought all thoseCrockpots, Delbert and you threw
your back out, but you didn'tfeel it while you were in the
motion of doing it.
It was afterwards you realizedthat you threw your back out
And,
Delbert (19:06):
so excited.
Hess (2) (19:07):
Yeah.
And as Lester Holt says, takecare of yourself and take care
of other people.
Delbert (19:13):
That's right.
Hess (2) (19:14):
Yeah.
Delbert (19:14):
Lester.
Try to get home every night towatch Lester and listen to him.
Hess (2) (19:20):
Y'all, peace and love.
We love you and share this.
Take care.
Delbert (19:27):
Bye friends.
Peace and love.
We love you and we're listening.
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com