March 29, 2022 • 35 mins
In this week's episode of Let Perfect Burn, I sit down with Lorraine Shedoudi— a yogi, a yoga teacher and the co-owner of LPY Yoga with studios in Lexington, Woburn and Burlington, Massachusetts. One of Lorraine's greatest passions is her Gratitude Adjustment— a 12-week training program for one's brain and heart that she created after the death of her mom, and a diagnosis for her young son. Above all, Lorraine seeks to cultivate a safe place to land, and the opportunity to exhale.
A graduate of U.C. Berkeley and Boston College, Lorraine’s career in counseling lead her to work in the fields of substance abuse and suicide prevention. Lorraine was always drawn to the places where it felt scary and dark, where we, as human beings, get lost.
In her day-to-day job as a substance abuse counselor, Lorraine’s physical and mental well-being began to suffer. It was then that yoga became her lifeline. She found she could still support people in the dark and scary parts of their lives, but in an environment where she could also thrive.
In her work, Lorraine asks us to remember, that even in our darkest moments, some things are working, even if it's just your breath, or the sun shining or running water or a hot shower. So that gratitude becomes something you can anchor to when your ship is in a brutal storm.
Lorraine reminds us that change, and transformation isn’t always lovely and wonderful, but often awkward and messy. She reminds people that it can feel like you are walking through fire. And Lorraine asks us to consider, “What if, instead of offering some trope to someone suffering, we hold space, learning about what they lost and what is still alive in them?”
Some highlights in this Episode from Lorraine:
" You know, it's not like I always walk in with joy and light. There are days when I think, "let's just land". That's where we're the safest, when there's not a lot being spoken about. Just that place to feel like we exhale."
" In the yoga industry, I think transformation can get mispackaged. And I try really hard not to talk about transformation as this always beautiful thing. It's awkward, it's messy, it's challenging death, and that feeling of something dying before it's reborn is really hard."
" That internal space is where we can realize that suffering is universal. And in that space, we can hold each other, until, there is room to hold ourselves."
Don't Miss a Beat.
Follow my Instagram for news from me, Tara Beckett:
https://www.instagram.com/letperfectburn/
Reach out to Lorraine Shedoudi, Yogi and Creator of The Gratitude Adjustment:
https://www.lorraineshedoudi.com/
https://www.instagram.com/shedoudi/
Original Music for Let Perfect Burn by Eleri Ward
https://www.instagram.com/eleriward/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tara Beckett (00:23):
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett. And I'm so glad you're
back to let perfect burn. Myinterview today is with Lorraine
she duty, a yogi, a yogateacher, and the CO studio owner
of lpwa Yoga. In my interview,I'm hit by how Lorraine reminds
(00:50):
us that change. Andtransformation isn't always
lovely and wonderful, but oftenawkward, messy. She reminds us
that it can feel like we arewalking through fire. And
Lorraine asks us to considerwhat if, instead of offering
some trope to someone suffering,we hold space, learning about
(01:15):
what they lost, and what isstill alive in them. Lorraine
Hey,
Unknown (01:25):
yay, Hi, I'm so glad to be here.
Tara Beckett (01:29):
So Lorraine, I hated yoga forever. And then I
came to your class. And I becameobsessed, because all of a
sudden, I found this teacher whoshowed up in this amazing,
authentic way. And it wasathletic. It was kind of it was
(01:54):
refreshing and soul inspiring.
And there was an energy youbuilt in the room that I said,
Wait a second, it's not Yoga Idislike it's the idea of yoga
that I think sometimes teacherscan come with and that I just
couldn't click into. So thankyou. You converted me. And I
(02:15):
would love to know what was yourjourney to finding this path?
Unknown (02:24):
Yeah, thank you so much. That means a lot i i do
feel like I get obsessed withwhat it means to show up and
find those connections that letus put down all the things that
even bring us to yoga. I wassomebody who was in sports a lot
as a kid. And it felt like therewas competition everywhere. It
(02:47):
was sort of a smallish townsmall schools. And I think maybe
there was that not good enoughstuff that pervaded I had an
amazing mom and really greatfamily. But I think that in that
small little community, it feltlike there was a lot of striving
and sort of pushing. And so yogawas one of those places where I
(03:08):
came in, I'm like, Ah, it's sonice to just be enough. And to
feel strong, and powerful, andstill soft and steady. And so I
think that combination ofthings, is why I became
obsessed, you know, that feelingof like, yes, it feels really
good to be in the strongphysical body. And I think, you
(03:31):
know, I also went to an allgirls high school. So body stuff
was always there too. And inyoga, I felt like it was less of
an issue. Like I really got tofeel embodied instead of about a
body. And I think I tried tobring that to practice for
myself, and then two classes,and it's all imperfect, I feel
(03:53):
like I'm still working on it.
And now it's more about a littlebit of self compassion as I look
at my kids and hear theirinternal voices come out to so I
think when you and I met, it wasreally feeling that grounded
sense of strength and connectionand being able to be okay, no
matter what was swirling withinor around us.
Tara Beckett (04:17):
Like, what was your training? And was this your
profession before?
Unknown (04:21):
That's a great question. So I moved to the east
coast for graduate school, and Igot a master's degree in
counseling psychology. It'sactually a Master's in Education
with a focus on counselingpsychology. So I worked in the
fields after graduate school,and I worked in substance abuse
primarily. And then I worked inthe research field as well. And
(04:44):
I was always drawn to thoseplaces where it feels scary and
dark, and where we get lost. Andworking in the fields of
substance abuse was a lot. Therewas not a lot of funding a ton
of need for what We were doing,and it felt really easy to get
lost. And I think I felt like myunhealthiest. When I was in grad
(05:06):
school, there was, again, thatpush of, you know, eight o'clock
classes, and I wasn't eatingwell. And so there was all these
things that ended up bringing meto yoga and feeling like, I'm so
much more alive there than I am.
When I'm at work, I'm on atwork. But I felt like I was
holding a lot of other people'sstories and trying to make
things better in a world where Ididn't know what that actually
(05:28):
meant, because it felt like wewere face to face with
suffering. And so I loved that,because it got us deep, quickly,
like there was no, you know,dancing around the issues. We
were there, and we knew what wewere working on. But so yoga
became my lifeline when I was asubstance abuse counselor. And
that just kept sucking me backinto feeling healthy. And to
(05:50):
remembering what it feels liketo enjoy life isn't work, it was
a lot of like, what gets in theway of enjoying life. And then I
found a place where I'm like,Oh, I feel alive, I feel
healthy, I feel happy. And so Ijust kept going more and more
toward that direction until Itook a yoga teacher training.
And that group, it was 60 peoplein my training, they asked five
(06:13):
people to teach for theirstudios. And I was one of them.
And so I was while I was at myfull time job, you know, kind of
squirreling away to find yogathings all the time, until I had
a meeting with my boss, and hesaid, You know, I don't think
your head's in the game anymore.
And I said, it's not, you know,my head was definitely in yoga
(06:35):
taught at 6am and 6pm, whileworking full time in Cambridge,
so I would take the train, teacha class change, go to my full
time job, go back to the yogastudio, teach a class take the
train home until I was justspent. So when I got an offer to
manage a studio, it felt likethat's it. This is the stuff
that's where I want to be. So Istill feel like there's a little
(06:59):
bit of a pole in what I want todo with people who are in those
places where it feels like lifeis really scary. And there's not
much of a lifeline. And then Iget to do yoga and still work
with you know, where we allstrive to be healthy and happy
and supported. So yeah, now it'sfull time yoga and running
(07:20):
studios.
Tara Beckett (07:25):
It's funny that you were talking about, you're
drawn to the dark places. Iremember, I had gone through a
miscarriage and I had justcompleted, like the DNC to
remove the fetus. And, you know,I was finally clear to go back
to working out and I just wasthinking to myself, I need yoga
(07:50):
with Lorraine, you know, I needher energy. And I just remember
you came over to me, and youassisted me. And I just remember
pouring tears, right? And it waslike, you could sense it, there
was something about your energythat you could feel the dark
places and be there for someone,you know, whether it's in the
(08:12):
Substance Abuse and that track,but even moving over to yoga,
you still are helping peopletremendously.
Unknown (08:21):
Yeah, it's interesting, I think that it's such a tricky
place as humans who feel somuch, you know, to never know
what somebody is walking in thedoor with. And the same thing
I'm, you know, it's not like Ialways walk in with like, joy
and light, you know, there aredays when it's like, what are we
here to do, and like, let's justland and I think that's where
(08:42):
we're the safest when there'snot a lot being spoken about.
And just a place to kind of feellike feel like we exhale.
Because parenting taking care ofelderly parents just being
humans, there's such acommonality, even if our the
things we're experiencing isdifferent. I think it feels so
nice to just know that we're notthe only ones in this ship that
(09:07):
is often in the storm. Yeah. Andso I think that's why in
teaching, I like to find thatidea of an anchor, like
something that keeps us here, nomatter what's kind of rocking
our little boat in the in thestorm of life. So it's
interesting to be able to feelthe dark and know that there's
(09:27):
light and some days they sort ofyou know, it's like that symbol
of like, we need both. Sometimesone outweighs the other and
we're just trying to find ourway back to enough of each one
Tara Beckett (09:43):
I'd love to talk to you about your the gratitude
project. Oh, yeah, yeah. Andbecause I was thinking about it
and because I found training inquotes through my childhood of
kind of a knee jerk reaction togratitude, if that makes sense,
(10:04):
especially as a perfectionist,yes, I would always talk about
how grateful I was and pushdown. Like you said, the light
in the dark, I always presentedthe light, right? It's coming at
you like, seven. And I am tryingto balance out that, whether you
call it dark or yes process, butthat I can feel grief and
(10:27):
gratitude simultaneously. And Ijust would love you to speak
about the project and whatyou've discovered in that
project you created.
Unknown (10:35):
Yeah, it's one of my favorite things in the whole
wide world, because so I had areally, you know, all of us have
our seasons that feel like theyare challenging and trying, and
we're not sure how they're gonnago. So I had a year, I think it
was 2017, where my mom wasdiagnosed with cancer. And so I
knew that I was going to be one.
They live on the West Coast, I'mon the East Coast, I'm really
(10:58):
close to my family. And thedistance always felt like one of
those things like, Am I doing itright? Like, should I be
physically there if I love themas much as I do. And so the VA
diagnosis was one of thosethings where it felt like holy
hell, I know, I'm going to bewalking through the fire, and I
don't want to do it alone. And Ihave issues with my sister.
(11:24):
She's the oldest, I'm theyoungest. And I think even just
saying that there's that dynamicof the kid who moves away, and
you know, has a blissful lifeand the oldest who stays behind
and takes care of the parents,especially in the situation. So
I knew that was gonna kind ofcome to a head. So I got a
therapist. And it almost didn'teven matter who the therapist
was, I just needed a warm bodyand a chair, who I could like,
(11:47):
pour things out, too. And myfirst session, the therapist was
incredible. And she said, Youknow, I lost my sister before I
could resolve issues with her.
And I think we're drawn to eachother for a lot of reasons. And
so she was with me, and preppedme every time I flew home, which
was a lot that year, my momwasn't doing well, I'd fly home,
and I two kids. And so it took alot of juggling, and on that six
(12:10):
hour plane ride, there was a lotof mental preparation. Through
my therapy sessions, it was alot of meditation and working on
the dark sides that come up inthe fear and old issues of maybe
not feeling seen or loved. Andso that whole year was really
(12:31):
just walking toward the fire andfeeling like it was okay if
you're imperfect, when you'rethere, there's no perfect when
there are so many personalitiesand people and emotions. And so
we just got good at creatingsome space. And one of the
things that helped me the most,when I would go there, I got to
be a little bit of an observer.
(12:52):
So when something came at me, soif it was that like little kid
who felt unseen or unloved, mytherapist helped me just kind of
watch it, instead of being partof the dynamic, the dynamic of
needing to be loved, you know,like so there was enough space
to do all the things and fromthat year, being super present,
(13:14):
when my mom was dying, and rightthere when she passed and able
to connect well with my sister,and we work together through all
of it. My mom has a huge family.
And so we planned this ceremonythat she would have been proud
of and days that we feltgrateful for. And it was amazing
to feel like something I was soafraid of came together so
beautifully. It wasn't that allthe things were fixed. He was
(13:36):
just able to move through in away that felt like I could feel
my feet on the ground. I couldfeel when my heart would race or
feel like it was breaking, or itwas just so real and present.
And I wasn't as afraid as Ithought I'd be. And so that
started the idea of like, wow,this meditation stuff works,
(13:58):
having support works. And thenlater that year, so my mom died
at the beginning of 2018. My sonwas diagnosed with type one
diabetes. And it was one ofthose things where we went to
the you know, checkup to figureout what was going on. And the
doctor said, you're going toneed to go straight to
children's don't even go home. Ican call you an ambulance. If
(14:20):
you don't feel safe driving. I'mlike, we'll be fine. My husband
came we went straight toChildren's Hospital. And they
just like, we walked in andthey're like, it's so good to
see you. We'll take care ofeverything. We'll teach you
everything you need to knowyou'll spend the night and I
remember laying in you know thattiny bed next to Adam's bed,
feeling so goddamn grateful thatI was in children's and knew
what was going on. There were somany people on other floors and
(14:42):
other beds, other moms who werein the same place with a very
different lack of answers. Wehad so many answers so many
resources. We weren't the onlyones. And so that marched me
forward with this idea of evenwhen our hearts are raking and
we're not sure what to do.
There's room to feel supported,and grateful and wise, even when
(15:08):
you're just completely lost andscared. So from that year, I
kind of looked closely at whatwas working, and what was
challenging. And so gratitude isreally used as a tool so that we
don't get sucked into like, thisis awful. I'm in children's
hospital, it's horrible. What'swhat's this going to mean for
the future? It felt like what mybrain got to do was, I'm so glad
(15:29):
these nurses are so skilled, I'mso glad my kid is right here
next to me, I'm so glad myhusband took the youngest and is
going to get him to preschool.
And so it felt like I wasn'tsucked into that drain of
despair. It was like, Yes, wedid buy support. And so
gratitude can feel sort ofsticky for some people, or it
can feel like toxic positivity,we really want it to be just a
way to remember, even in ourdarkest moments, some things are
(15:52):
working, even if it's just yourbreath, or the sun shining, or
running water or a hot shower,you know, those basic things
where it's like, oh, there'ssomething I can anchor to. So it
brings us back to that. And thenwe use meditation, so that it
feels like I'm just gonna learnhow to feel my emotions to sit
to watch without so muchreactivity. And so those are the
(16:15):
two main tools. And then weweave in other stuff, you know,
support from community, selfcompassion, flow, and being able
to find, you know, the thingsthat light us up again, with
creativity. So that's myproject, it's generally a 12
week session where we haveweekly check ins, so that we get
to think about meditation andgratitude as practices. And then
(16:38):
we share what's going on and howit's feeling where things are
sticky, where things are easy.
And the wisdom of the group isreally my favorite part. And so
that's what it looks like. Andthat's where it came from. So
that it feels like it canencompass all the moments of
challenging, wonderful and oneisn't better than another, we
(17:00):
need both. And so we generallystart at checkins with a live
meditation. And then we do somecoursework to keep training our
brains and feeling like we havewhat we need when stuff hits the
fan, or even when things feellike life feels really great at
this season. So that all thingsare welcome.
Tara Beckett (17:23):
I am remembering something, I might be
paraphrasing, but from yogaclass where we just started
laying on the ground, and it'slike just laying on this ground.
There's so much going right atthis moment. And that struck me
as I am breathing. I am here,right? I am athletic today, I
(17:44):
have the strength to parent in areally tough time. And so that
broke my idea of gratitude. Thatit was it didn't have to be that
toxic kind of positive. I had tobe fake, right, I had to put up
a front. But instead it feltlike, oh, noticing, right, and
that was so different. And Ihear you and that a diagnosis
(18:09):
came for my son. And I neededsomething at the end of every
day to really ground us. And Ijust started to say to him, you
know, the, you know, the lightin you I see. Right. And I love
you are so loved. And the thirdone was, you are enough just how
(18:30):
you are. And it was this way inwhich that's how we would close
our Snuggles. And it just mademe feel like no matter the
absolute shit show of the dayand how much pain we were
working through. I just cameback to he's my light, you know,
and we're just gonna keep going.
But yeah, it was it was a yogalesson from you. So
Unknown (18:56):
that that is beautiful.
It was really interesting. I dida 21 day meditation challenge
just with people who wanted tosign up and someone said, I feel
really behind. I'm not keepingup I'm not doing and I said,
Alright, so your homework is goto a place where you can see
someone you love. Maybe they'resleeping, right? Because
(19:16):
sometimes when they're rushingaround, it's hard to feel like
Oh, I love them. So go spend ittiny moment with your love. And
just soak it in. And that ideaof when they're at peace or at
rest, we can remember that itdoes feel worth it. And you
know, I think some days I'mlike, this is worth it right? So
(19:36):
much work. So those moments, Ilove that at the end of the day,
there's that reminder of like,Oh, I see your light. And I love
that we get to do this togetherand your love just as you are
how incredible. And so the nextgrowing edge that I have is a 21
day self compassion challengeFinding out, okay, so it's so
(20:00):
it's so funny, I feel like and Iwas, you know, doing all the
literature putting everythingtogether. And one of the things
a woman who really does a ton ofthe research with her name is
Dr. Kristin Neff. And on herwebsite, it says you might feel
like it gets harder before itgets easier, you'll start to
notice all the places where youdidn't have self compassion,
maybe is a little one or in yourlife. And so it can come up like
(20:23):
warning, you know. So as I'mgoing through everything, I'm
like, Oh, it hit it hityesterday. And I was like, Oh my
gosh, there are a lot of placeswhere it feels like, I just
wanted to push and keep pushing.
And it's just that pattern, thatit's so much easier for me to
look at somebody that I love andsay, Oh, you're enough, you're
(20:46):
beautiful, you're wonderful.
It's all going to be okay.
Whereas then I'm sitting thereand like, is it gonna be okay?
Can somebody tell me that it'sgonna be okay, you know? Yeah,
then that internal voice has toreally get trained. And I also
realized, I'm less compassionatewith my husband, because it's
almost like he's an extension ofme, are you? So I'm like, you
(21:06):
can't, you know, act like that.
Like, come on. Keep going.
You've got this. So it wasreally just one of those things
of like, careful what you wishfor. Because, yeah, like when
you wish for strength, you'reforced to be so strong when you
wish for patients, all thethings that make you impatient
are right there. Yeah, yournose.
Tara Beckett (21:35):
I'm remembering before I made a decision to go
to the hospital for depressionand anxiety. I was trying this
like outpatient program to justsee if I could, you know, stay
home. And I just remember, likethe intake. They were like,
(21:56):
what's wrong? And I had theflood of shame, right? Like,
shame, and I wasn't ready forit. And I didn't know how much I
hated myself for what I wasgoing through. And so it was so
crazy. Because I would never sayto anyone else, what you're
doing is shameful. Or you don'tdeserve treatment or help. Or,
(22:20):
Oh, you're such a bag of likespoiled goods. Right. But that
voice Yeah, was right there. Andthat was a big, you know, it's
something I still deal with oflike, what's wrong with you that
you couldn't sort of keep ittogether? And then the other
voice is saying, Wow, I'm soglad you went through the fire,
(22:41):
like you said, you know, so selfcompassion is tough.
Unknown (22:45):
Oh, it's a lot. Right.
And I know it's true. So thereare a couple of stories that
come up for me, kind of fromBuddhist texts, and one of them
is the one about the second dartor the second arrow. Do you know
that one? I don't. Okay. So, youknow, the story goes, the Buddha
was talking and he said, whenwhen something happens to you,
it's inevitable. That's thefirst start, you know, things
(23:06):
will happen, people will die.
The days are challenging,there'll be darts coming at you
from every direction, the thingyou can avoid is the second dart
and that's your reaction to whatyou feel. So let the feeling be
there without us throwing thesecond dirt at yourself. For
example, when I'm tired anddrained, it's like, oh, what's
(23:27):
the matter with you? Why are youso tired and drained instead of
when if if you came to me andsaid I'm so tired? Oh, don't
worry, just lay down. You'vebeen doing a lot. It's okay.
Well, we'll take care of it withsome rest, right? Instead of me
saying Lorraine, it's okay. Justrest. It's one day you'll be
fine. Right? My internal waslike, suck it up. Keep going.
(23:48):
What's wrong with you? Right?
Why aren't you going at the paceof everybody else in the world?
So same thing, like just thefirst start, you're tired? It's
okay. You're struggling? It'sokay. Instead of like you, peace
of whatever. Why are youstruggling with that? You know,
I didn't ever say that toanyone. I would never say that
out loud. But the tape inside,you know, is so quick to go to
(24:09):
that inner critic. And then theother one is, someone said, when
your inner critic comes up, makethem a nice cup of tea, have
them sit aside, maybe thankthem, like, I get it, you're
trying to take care of me andthank you. And I'm just gonna
keep going about my day. So thetwo of them have a way of
playing together that idea oflike, don't throw the second
(24:30):
dirty yourself. And we all havean inner critic, is there a way
we can just you know, set themdown, let them be happy doing a
wordle or spending their energydoing something else. And then
we can go on and kind of livewith that same way that you just
put your hand on your heart,offer a little bit of grace, and
that breath and then it's okay,again, you're normal for
(24:52):
suffering. It means that you'rehuman and you feel and you see I
mean, look at this world who'snot suffering You know, if
you're not suffering, there'ssomething wrong with you. Right.
So the ones that are feeling andthinking and want to heal others
and take care of others aregoing to be the ones who are
bearing the brunt of the burden.
So I think that can help tolike, it's just and we used to
(25:15):
say this and substance abuse,the people who come to us and
need help are generally thesensitive ones who feel so
deeply that it's almost too muchto keep seeing and sensing. And
so they put a little barrierbetween them, and what they feel
and see in the sense and therest of the world. And so that
barriers, whatever they wouldpick up. And so our job is to
(25:38):
remind them, it's okay to besensitive and to feel. And to
even, you know, part of themwere anticipating what was next
because they were so good atanticipating
Tara Beckett (25:51):
there's a little connection happening for me
about gratitude. And then whatyou just said, which is when I
was experiencing extremesuicidality, right? I sometimes
received see back of your lifeis so good. What, what is it?
(26:11):
Tell me what it is. And throughtherapy, which I love, they're
like, it just gives me suchinsight to what I how I
function, why I function. Butwhat I came to understand was,
I'm an artist, I'm an empath.
And it was because of everythingthat had come up in my life in
the present. And because I hadunboxed a lot from the past, it
(26:33):
was this flood of feelings Icouldn't handle all at once. And
so I saw escape, right? I waslike, remove me from pain. I
can't, I can't. And so I thinkthere's a lot of my work is
about sitting, right, likesitting with that emotion. And
like you said, put an armaround. Yeah, that girl or that
(26:55):
woman that it was too much forand just say it was too much for
you. It still is. So sit withme. And we'll let it pass. And
rather than run, you know, andlook, look to run, but to be
honest, I still want to runthere's still days that I'm
like, get me out.
Unknown (27:15):
Yeah, absolutely. And it feels like we're crawling out
of our own skin, or it feelslike we don't even have skin,
you know, those two things, Ifeel like I feel and see a lot.
And you're right, everybodyelse's, like your life is great
looking you and from the outsideis so different than being on
the inside. And so I thinkthat's what we try and get to in
(27:37):
the gratitude adjustment. And inthe self compassion, meditation
challenge and all the things,it's easy to look at somebody
and say, Oh, look at you,everything's so beautiful in the
background of that screen that Isee. Whereas when you hear their
voice, and when you unitethrough what we experience, it
doesn't matter what we have, orwhat it looks like. That
(27:59):
internal space is where we canconnect and realize that
suffering is universal. And sowe can hold each other until
there's room to be able to holdourselves. And sometimes letting
it shine outward is so mucheasier, right? Like we're
learning, it's easy to look atour kids and be like You are
wonderful and perfect and alwaysloved. And then when we go to
(28:22):
lay our head on the pillow,instead of replaying the things
we didn't do well that day, youknow, hopefully, we have that
same mantra that runs through.
And that's where we alsoencourage a little bit of
gratitude practice when the headis when our heads are on the
pillow. And we're quick to go tothe places where we didn't
measure up to some invisibleyardstick. That's when we say,
so nice to have that warm cup ofcoffee, that hot shower, my
(28:46):
neighbor, the bus driver, theteacher, whoever it was right
there, because I would havemissed it. If I was just looking
at what I did or didn't do. Sojust constantly having a space
where all the things when itcomes down to it don't matter so
much. But that internal spacethat I'm cultivating is what
(29:06):
will sustain me, you know, andkind of one of the things that
losing my mom did for me it wasalso helped me to look at what's
really important. And that'salso where the gratitude
adjustment came from is likewhat's really important and what
do we need as humans as weprogress and keep going to those
places where when we saygoodbye? How's it gonna feel and
what's it gonna look like? And Ithink Buddhists use death in a
(29:30):
different way than you know, wedo they they look at it in a way
of recognizing impermanence andhaving a space to remember, you
know, this is where we are now.
That is where we'll be and sowhat's the in between for us and
can it help us live lives thatfeel steady and grounded in the
(29:51):
time that we have here?
Yesterday, I had a prettychallenging It's all the things
of like, Am I doing it right? Isthis ever going to be what I
want it to be? And so I feltlike maybe there was a moment
where you said, maybe there'ssomething that's dying, maybe
there's some image of perfectionor a need for something is just
(30:13):
passing away, and can I feel itand let it go. Instead of
feeling like a moth to theflame, sometimes when it feels
like this suffering, sometimes Ifeel like I go toward it more.
And it becomes that thing that,you know, attracts me and I
won't let it go. And I keepbeing pulled to it instead of
(30:33):
like, Oh, it's just the processof transformation. You know,
that butterfly when it thinksit's gonna die, and everything
is over, or the caterpillar, andthen it becomes. So I think
you're right, there's a lot tolearn in that idea of maybe
we're just shedding something.
And the experience that you wentthrough is confronting all the
things that we're probably toldthat we're not allowed to feel
(30:56):
or look at or experience, andhow can we go right toward that
and get the support that weneed. So that something within
us, you know, the perfection,burns away, and there's room to
really be genuine and real inthe messiness of life. And I
(31:17):
think that we sometimes get soldthis idea of change and
transformation being lovely andwonderful. And you know, I think
in the yoga industry, it getsMiss packaged. And I think that
I try really hard not tocall transforming
transformation, this wonderfullybeautiful, like, it's awkward,
it's messy, it's challengingdeath, that feeling of something
(31:38):
dying before it's reborn isreally hard. And so I think one
of the things that we can do inall of this is remind people
like, yes, it's gonna feel likeyou're walking through the fire.
But you can really sit next tothose feelings, and let them be
felt and let them change if theydo, right. If there's always a
(31:58):
little bit of sadness, that'sokay, too, because I think
that's what keeps us connected.
And when somebody says, Oh, Ilost my mom, or I'm going
through a really challengingtime, what we've gone through is
what allows us to really justhold them and not have to fill
the space with like, Oh, it'llget better. Oh, it's meant to
be, you know, some short thing.
You know, you just hold them,probably without saying anything
(32:20):
more, maybe it's like, tell meabout, tell me about your mom,
she must have been amazing rain.
And so that even gets me chokedup, because there's something
about learning about what theylost and keeping it alive, just
enough to sustain them too. Yes.
Tara Beckett (32:40):
Tell me about your mom, she must have been an
amazing person.
Unknown (32:45):
Thank you, she was incredible. It's one of those
things, when you become a mom,that it's you realize how much
they actually do and hold. So Ithink I'm just like, I think
there was a lot of time where Iwas super grateful, because she
(33:05):
would swoop in and like save andhelp save the day. And now I'm
just realizing how much theyactually hold, right how much we
hold. And just having some roomand some gratitude for all of
those kind of invisible handsthat keep us going. So now I
definitely feel like her spiritis so strong, and guides me to
(33:29):
be surrounded with other reallypowerful women. So I'm her
youngest, which means and mysister was really just a strong
force as well, a lot like mymom. And I was quick to just go
along with the program, youknow, I'll be in the backseat,
tell me when to be there, youknow, and I'm still sort of like
that in my friendships a littlebit like, Oh, I'll tell me when
(33:50):
to get ready. And you drive.
I'll go wherever you want to go.
And so I think she's surroundedme with some people that are
like her strong and able to takethe reins and help me out and
guide me. And then she's alsoleft me with her fear side of
when something feels like I needto speak up or get in there
create, I'm able to do that,too. So yeah, I feel like we're
(34:13):
lucky to find each other, youknow, other women on this path
that can see us and hold us andsupport us. And I feel grateful
that we've had the guides thatwe had, and they're never really
gone. Right. I think we alwayshave those things and those
people kind of coursing throughus and guiding us in really
lovely almost invisible ways.
Tara Beckett (34:36):
Thank you so much, Larry. Thank you. It's a
pleasure.
Unknown (34:38):
Always.
Tara Beckett (34:39):
We'll be together soon. Yes, in the studio or
otherwise. Yes.
Unknown (34:44):
That sounds great.
Yeah, I know you have some greatplans for future guests. So I'm
going to be listening closelyfollowing along and happy to
jump in anytime in the nearfuture. Okay, thank you. All
right. You perfect perfect
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett. And I'm so glad you're
back to let perfect burn. Myinterview today is with Lorraine
she duty, a yogi, a yogateacher, and the CO studio owner
of lpwa Yoga. In my interview,I'm hit by how Lorraine reminds
(00:50):
us that change. Andtransformation isn't always
lovely and wonderful, but oftenawkward, messy. She reminds us
that it can feel like we arewalking through fire. And
Lorraine asks us to considerwhat if, instead of offering
some trope to someone suffering,we hold space, learning about
(01:15):
what they lost, and what isstill alive in them. Lorraine
Hey,
Unknown (01:25):
yay, Hi, I'm so glad to be here.
Tara Beckett (01:29):
So Lorraine, I hated yoga forever. And then I
came to your class. And I becameobsessed, because all of a
sudden, I found this teacher whoshowed up in this amazing,
authentic way. And it wasathletic. It was kind of it was
(01:54):
refreshing and soul inspiring.
And there was an energy youbuilt in the room that I said,
Wait a second, it's not Yoga Idislike it's the idea of yoga
that I think sometimes teacherscan come with and that I just
couldn't click into. So thankyou. You converted me. And I
(02:15):
would love to know what was yourjourney to finding this path?
Unknown (02:24):
Yeah, thank you so much. That means a lot i i do
feel like I get obsessed withwhat it means to show up and
find those connections that letus put down all the things that
even bring us to yoga. I wassomebody who was in sports a lot
as a kid. And it felt like therewas competition everywhere. It
(02:47):
was sort of a smallish townsmall schools. And I think maybe
there was that not good enoughstuff that pervaded I had an
amazing mom and really greatfamily. But I think that in that
small little community, it feltlike there was a lot of striving
and sort of pushing. And so yogawas one of those places where I
(03:08):
came in, I'm like, Ah, it's sonice to just be enough. And to
feel strong, and powerful, andstill soft and steady. And so I
think that combination ofthings, is why I became
obsessed, you know, that feelingof like, yes, it feels really
good to be in the strongphysical body. And I think, you
(03:31):
know, I also went to an allgirls high school. So body stuff
was always there too. And inyoga, I felt like it was less of
an issue. Like I really got tofeel embodied instead of about a
body. And I think I tried tobring that to practice for
myself, and then two classes,and it's all imperfect, I feel
(03:53):
like I'm still working on it.
And now it's more about a littlebit of self compassion as I look
at my kids and hear theirinternal voices come out to so I
think when you and I met, it wasreally feeling that grounded
sense of strength and connectionand being able to be okay, no
matter what was swirling withinor around us.
Tara Beckett (04:17):
Like, what was your training? And was this your
profession before?
Unknown (04:21):
That's a great question. So I moved to the east
coast for graduate school, and Igot a master's degree in
counseling psychology. It'sactually a Master's in Education
with a focus on counselingpsychology. So I worked in the
fields after graduate school,and I worked in substance abuse
primarily. And then I worked inthe research field as well. And
(04:44):
I was always drawn to thoseplaces where it feels scary and
dark, and where we get lost. Andworking in the fields of
substance abuse was a lot. Therewas not a lot of funding a ton
of need for what We were doing,and it felt really easy to get
lost. And I think I felt like myunhealthiest. When I was in grad
(05:06):
school, there was, again, thatpush of, you know, eight o'clock
classes, and I wasn't eatingwell. And so there was all these
things that ended up bringing meto yoga and feeling like, I'm so
much more alive there than I am.
When I'm at work, I'm on atwork. But I felt like I was
holding a lot of other people'sstories and trying to make
things better in a world where Ididn't know what that actually
(05:28):
meant, because it felt like wewere face to face with
suffering. And so I loved that,because it got us deep, quickly,
like there was no, you know,dancing around the issues. We
were there, and we knew what wewere working on. But so yoga
became my lifeline when I was asubstance abuse counselor. And
that just kept sucking me backinto feeling healthy. And to
(05:50):
remembering what it feels liketo enjoy life isn't work, it was
a lot of like, what gets in theway of enjoying life. And then I
found a place where I'm like,Oh, I feel alive, I feel
healthy, I feel happy. And so Ijust kept going more and more
toward that direction until Itook a yoga teacher training.
And that group, it was 60 peoplein my training, they asked five
(06:13):
people to teach for theirstudios. And I was one of them.
And so I was while I was at myfull time job, you know, kind of
squirreling away to find yogathings all the time, until I had
a meeting with my boss, and hesaid, You know, I don't think
your head's in the game anymore.
And I said, it's not, you know,my head was definitely in yoga
(06:35):
taught at 6am and 6pm, whileworking full time in Cambridge,
so I would take the train, teacha class change, go to my full
time job, go back to the yogastudio, teach a class take the
train home until I was justspent. So when I got an offer to
manage a studio, it felt likethat's it. This is the stuff
that's where I want to be. So Istill feel like there's a little
(06:59):
bit of a pole in what I want todo with people who are in those
places where it feels like lifeis really scary. And there's not
much of a lifeline. And then Iget to do yoga and still work
with you know, where we allstrive to be healthy and happy
and supported. So yeah, now it'sfull time yoga and running
(07:20):
studios.
Tara Beckett (07:25):
It's funny that you were talking about, you're
drawn to the dark places. Iremember, I had gone through a
miscarriage and I had justcompleted, like the DNC to
remove the fetus. And, you know,I was finally clear to go back
to working out and I just wasthinking to myself, I need yoga
(07:50):
with Lorraine, you know, I needher energy. And I just remember
you came over to me, and youassisted me. And I just remember
pouring tears, right? And it waslike, you could sense it, there
was something about your energythat you could feel the dark
places and be there for someone,you know, whether it's in the
(08:12):
Substance Abuse and that track,but even moving over to yoga,
you still are helping peopletremendously.
Unknown (08:21):
Yeah, it's interesting, I think that it's such a tricky
place as humans who feel somuch, you know, to never know
what somebody is walking in thedoor with. And the same thing
I'm, you know, it's not like Ialways walk in with like, joy
and light, you know, there aredays when it's like, what are we
here to do, and like, let's justland and I think that's where
(08:42):
we're the safest when there'snot a lot being spoken about.
And just a place to kind of feellike feel like we exhale.
Because parenting taking care ofelderly parents just being
humans, there's such acommonality, even if our the
things we're experiencing isdifferent. I think it feels so
nice to just know that we're notthe only ones in this ship that
(09:07):
is often in the storm. Yeah. Andso I think that's why in
teaching, I like to find thatidea of an anchor, like
something that keeps us here, nomatter what's kind of rocking
our little boat in the in thestorm of life. So it's
interesting to be able to feelthe dark and know that there's
(09:27):
light and some days they sort ofyou know, it's like that symbol
of like, we need both. Sometimesone outweighs the other and
we're just trying to find ourway back to enough of each one
Tara Beckett (09:43):
I'd love to talk to you about your the gratitude
project. Oh, yeah, yeah. Andbecause I was thinking about it
and because I found training inquotes through my childhood of
kind of a knee jerk reaction togratitude, if that makes sense,
(10:04):
especially as a perfectionist,yes, I would always talk about
how grateful I was and pushdown. Like you said, the light
in the dark, I always presentedthe light, right? It's coming at
you like, seven. And I am tryingto balance out that, whether you
call it dark or yes process, butthat I can feel grief and
(10:27):
gratitude simultaneously. And Ijust would love you to speak
about the project and whatyou've discovered in that
project you created.
Unknown (10:35):
Yeah, it's one of my favorite things in the whole
wide world, because so I had areally, you know, all of us have
our seasons that feel like theyare challenging and trying, and
we're not sure how they're gonnago. So I had a year, I think it
was 2017, where my mom wasdiagnosed with cancer. And so I
knew that I was going to be one.
They live on the West Coast, I'mon the East Coast, I'm really
(10:58):
close to my family. And thedistance always felt like one of
those things like, Am I doing itright? Like, should I be
physically there if I love themas much as I do. And so the VA
diagnosis was one of thosethings where it felt like holy
hell, I know, I'm going to bewalking through the fire, and I
don't want to do it alone. And Ihave issues with my sister.
(11:24):
She's the oldest, I'm theyoungest. And I think even just
saying that there's that dynamicof the kid who moves away, and
you know, has a blissful lifeand the oldest who stays behind
and takes care of the parents,especially in the situation. So
I knew that was gonna kind ofcome to a head. So I got a
therapist. And it almost didn'teven matter who the therapist
was, I just needed a warm bodyand a chair, who I could like,
(11:47):
pour things out, too. And myfirst session, the therapist was
incredible. And she said, Youknow, I lost my sister before I
could resolve issues with her.
And I think we're drawn to eachother for a lot of reasons. And
so she was with me, and preppedme every time I flew home, which
was a lot that year, my momwasn't doing well, I'd fly home,
and I two kids. And so it took alot of juggling, and on that six
(12:10):
hour plane ride, there was a lotof mental preparation. Through
my therapy sessions, it was alot of meditation and working on
the dark sides that come up inthe fear and old issues of maybe
not feeling seen or loved. Andso that whole year was really
(12:31):
just walking toward the fire andfeeling like it was okay if
you're imperfect, when you'rethere, there's no perfect when
there are so many personalitiesand people and emotions. And so
we just got good at creatingsome space. And one of the
things that helped me the most,when I would go there, I got to
be a little bit of an observer.
(12:52):
So when something came at me, soif it was that like little kid
who felt unseen or unloved, mytherapist helped me just kind of
watch it, instead of being partof the dynamic, the dynamic of
needing to be loved, you know,like so there was enough space
to do all the things and fromthat year, being super present,
(13:14):
when my mom was dying, and rightthere when she passed and able
to connect well with my sister,and we work together through all
of it. My mom has a huge family.
And so we planned this ceremonythat she would have been proud
of and days that we feltgrateful for. And it was amazing
to feel like something I was soafraid of came together so
beautifully. It wasn't that allthe things were fixed. He was
(13:36):
just able to move through in away that felt like I could feel
my feet on the ground. I couldfeel when my heart would race or
feel like it was breaking, or itwas just so real and present.
And I wasn't as afraid as Ithought I'd be. And so that
started the idea of like, wow,this meditation stuff works,
(13:58):
having support works. And thenlater that year, so my mom died
at the beginning of 2018. My sonwas diagnosed with type one
diabetes. And it was one ofthose things where we went to
the you know, checkup to figureout what was going on. And the
doctor said, you're going toneed to go straight to
children's don't even go home. Ican call you an ambulance. If
(14:20):
you don't feel safe driving. I'mlike, we'll be fine. My husband
came we went straight toChildren's Hospital. And they
just like, we walked in andthey're like, it's so good to
see you. We'll take care ofeverything. We'll teach you
everything you need to knowyou'll spend the night and I
remember laying in you know thattiny bed next to Adam's bed,
feeling so goddamn grateful thatI was in children's and knew
what was going on. There were somany people on other floors and
(14:42):
other beds, other moms who werein the same place with a very
different lack of answers. Wehad so many answers so many
resources. We weren't the onlyones. And so that marched me
forward with this idea of evenwhen our hearts are raking and
we're not sure what to do.
There's room to feel supported,and grateful and wise, even when
(15:08):
you're just completely lost andscared. So from that year, I
kind of looked closely at whatwas working, and what was
challenging. And so gratitude isreally used as a tool so that we
don't get sucked into like, thisis awful. I'm in children's
hospital, it's horrible. What'swhat's this going to mean for
the future? It felt like what mybrain got to do was, I'm so glad
(15:29):
these nurses are so skilled, I'mso glad my kid is right here
next to me, I'm so glad myhusband took the youngest and is
going to get him to preschool.
And so it felt like I wasn'tsucked into that drain of
despair. It was like, Yes, wedid buy support. And so
gratitude can feel sort ofsticky for some people, or it
can feel like toxic positivity,we really want it to be just a
way to remember, even in ourdarkest moments, some things are
(15:52):
working, even if it's just yourbreath, or the sun shining, or
running water or a hot shower,you know, those basic things
where it's like, oh, there'ssomething I can anchor to. So it
brings us back to that. And thenwe use meditation, so that it
feels like I'm just gonna learnhow to feel my emotions to sit
to watch without so muchreactivity. And so those are the
(16:15):
two main tools. And then weweave in other stuff, you know,
support from community, selfcompassion, flow, and being able
to find, you know, the thingsthat light us up again, with
creativity. So that's myproject, it's generally a 12
week session where we haveweekly check ins, so that we get
to think about meditation andgratitude as practices. And then
(16:38):
we share what's going on and howit's feeling where things are
sticky, where things are easy.
And the wisdom of the group isreally my favorite part. And so
that's what it looks like. Andthat's where it came from. So
that it feels like it canencompass all the moments of
challenging, wonderful and oneisn't better than another, we
(17:00):
need both. And so we generallystart at checkins with a live
meditation. And then we do somecoursework to keep training our
brains and feeling like we havewhat we need when stuff hits the
fan, or even when things feellike life feels really great at
this season. So that all thingsare welcome.
Tara Beckett (17:23):
I am remembering something, I might be
paraphrasing, but from yogaclass where we just started
laying on the ground, and it'slike just laying on this ground.
There's so much going right atthis moment. And that struck me
as I am breathing. I am here,right? I am athletic today, I
(17:44):
have the strength to parent in areally tough time. And so that
broke my idea of gratitude. Thatit was it didn't have to be that
toxic kind of positive. I had tobe fake, right, I had to put up
a front. But instead it feltlike, oh, noticing, right, and
that was so different. And Ihear you and that a diagnosis
(18:09):
came for my son. And I neededsomething at the end of every
day to really ground us. And Ijust started to say to him, you
know, the, you know, the lightin you I see. Right. And I love
you are so loved. And the thirdone was, you are enough just how
(18:30):
you are. And it was this way inwhich that's how we would close
our Snuggles. And it just mademe feel like no matter the
absolute shit show of the dayand how much pain we were
working through. I just cameback to he's my light, you know,
and we're just gonna keep going.
But yeah, it was it was a yogalesson from you. So
Unknown (18:56):
that that is beautiful.
It was really interesting. I dida 21 day meditation challenge
just with people who wanted tosign up and someone said, I feel
really behind. I'm not keepingup I'm not doing and I said,
Alright, so your homework is goto a place where you can see
someone you love. Maybe they'resleeping, right? Because
(19:16):
sometimes when they're rushingaround, it's hard to feel like
Oh, I love them. So go spend ittiny moment with your love. And
just soak it in. And that ideaof when they're at peace or at
rest, we can remember that itdoes feel worth it. And you
know, I think some days I'mlike, this is worth it right? So
(19:36):
much work. So those moments, Ilove that at the end of the day,
there's that reminder of like,Oh, I see your light. And I love
that we get to do this togetherand your love just as you are
how incredible. And so the nextgrowing edge that I have is a 21
day self compassion challengeFinding out, okay, so it's so
(20:00):
it's so funny, I feel like and Iwas, you know, doing all the
literature putting everythingtogether. And one of the things
a woman who really does a ton ofthe research with her name is
Dr. Kristin Neff. And on herwebsite, it says you might feel
like it gets harder before itgets easier, you'll start to
notice all the places where youdidn't have self compassion,
maybe is a little one or in yourlife. And so it can come up like
(20:23):
warning, you know. So as I'mgoing through everything, I'm
like, Oh, it hit it hityesterday. And I was like, Oh my
gosh, there are a lot of placeswhere it feels like, I just
wanted to push and keep pushing.
And it's just that pattern, thatit's so much easier for me to
look at somebody that I love andsay, Oh, you're enough, you're
(20:46):
beautiful, you're wonderful.
It's all going to be okay.
Whereas then I'm sitting thereand like, is it gonna be okay?
Can somebody tell me that it'sgonna be okay, you know? Yeah,
then that internal voice has toreally get trained. And I also
realized, I'm less compassionatewith my husband, because it's
almost like he's an extension ofme, are you? So I'm like, you
(21:06):
can't, you know, act like that.
Like, come on. Keep going.
You've got this. So it wasreally just one of those things
of like, careful what you wishfor. Because, yeah, like when
you wish for strength, you'reforced to be so strong when you
wish for patients, all thethings that make you impatient
are right there. Yeah, yournose.
Tara Beckett (21:35):
I'm remembering before I made a decision to go
to the hospital for depressionand anxiety. I was trying this
like outpatient program to justsee if I could, you know, stay
home. And I just remember, likethe intake. They were like,
(21:56):
what's wrong? And I had theflood of shame, right? Like,
shame, and I wasn't ready forit. And I didn't know how much I
hated myself for what I wasgoing through. And so it was so
crazy. Because I would never sayto anyone else, what you're
doing is shameful. Or you don'tdeserve treatment or help. Or,
(22:20):
Oh, you're such a bag of likespoiled goods. Right. But that
voice Yeah, was right there. Andthat was a big, you know, it's
something I still deal with oflike, what's wrong with you that
you couldn't sort of keep ittogether? And then the other
voice is saying, Wow, I'm soglad you went through the fire,
(22:41):
like you said, you know, so selfcompassion is tough.
Unknown (22:45):
Oh, it's a lot. Right.
And I know it's true. So thereare a couple of stories that
come up for me, kind of fromBuddhist texts, and one of them
is the one about the second dartor the second arrow. Do you know
that one? I don't. Okay. So, youknow, the story goes, the Buddha
was talking and he said, whenwhen something happens to you,
it's inevitable. That's thefirst start, you know, things
(23:06):
will happen, people will die.
The days are challenging,there'll be darts coming at you
from every direction, the thingyou can avoid is the second dart
and that's your reaction to whatyou feel. So let the feeling be
there without us throwing thesecond dirt at yourself. For
example, when I'm tired anddrained, it's like, oh, what's
(23:27):
the matter with you? Why are youso tired and drained instead of
when if if you came to me andsaid I'm so tired? Oh, don't
worry, just lay down. You'vebeen doing a lot. It's okay.
Well, we'll take care of it withsome rest, right? Instead of me
saying Lorraine, it's okay. Justrest. It's one day you'll be
fine. Right? My internal waslike, suck it up. Keep going.
(23:48):
What's wrong with you? Right?
Why aren't you going at the paceof everybody else in the world?
So same thing, like just thefirst start, you're tired? It's
okay. You're struggling? It'sokay. Instead of like you, peace
of whatever. Why are youstruggling with that? You know,
I didn't ever say that toanyone. I would never say that
out loud. But the tape inside,you know, is so quick to go to
(24:09):
that inner critic. And then theother one is, someone said, when
your inner critic comes up, makethem a nice cup of tea, have
them sit aside, maybe thankthem, like, I get it, you're
trying to take care of me andthank you. And I'm just gonna
keep going about my day. So thetwo of them have a way of
playing together that idea oflike, don't throw the second
(24:30):
dirty yourself. And we all havean inner critic, is there a way
we can just you know, set themdown, let them be happy doing a
wordle or spending their energydoing something else. And then
we can go on and kind of livewith that same way that you just
put your hand on your heart,offer a little bit of grace, and
that breath and then it's okay,again, you're normal for
(24:52):
suffering. It means that you'rehuman and you feel and you see I
mean, look at this world who'snot suffering You know, if
you're not suffering, there'ssomething wrong with you. Right.
So the ones that are feeling andthinking and want to heal others
and take care of others aregoing to be the ones who are
bearing the brunt of the burden.
So I think that can help tolike, it's just and we used to
(25:15):
say this and substance abuse,the people who come to us and
need help are generally thesensitive ones who feel so
deeply that it's almost too muchto keep seeing and sensing. And
so they put a little barrierbetween them, and what they feel
and see in the sense and therest of the world. And so that
barriers, whatever they wouldpick up. And so our job is to
(25:38):
remind them, it's okay to besensitive and to feel. And to
even, you know, part of themwere anticipating what was next
because they were so good atanticipating
Tara Beckett (25:51):
there's a little connection happening for me
about gratitude. And then whatyou just said, which is when I
was experiencing extremesuicidality, right? I sometimes
received see back of your lifeis so good. What, what is it?
(26:11):
Tell me what it is. And throughtherapy, which I love, they're
like, it just gives me suchinsight to what I how I
function, why I function. Butwhat I came to understand was,
I'm an artist, I'm an empath.
And it was because of everythingthat had come up in my life in
the present. And because I hadunboxed a lot from the past, it
(26:33):
was this flood of feelings Icouldn't handle all at once. And
so I saw escape, right? I waslike, remove me from pain. I
can't, I can't. And so I thinkthere's a lot of my work is
about sitting, right, likesitting with that emotion. And
like you said, put an armaround. Yeah, that girl or that
(26:55):
woman that it was too much forand just say it was too much for
you. It still is. So sit withme. And we'll let it pass. And
rather than run, you know, andlook, look to run, but to be
honest, I still want to runthere's still days that I'm
like, get me out.
Unknown (27:15):
Yeah, absolutely. And it feels like we're crawling out
of our own skin, or it feelslike we don't even have skin,
you know, those two things, Ifeel like I feel and see a lot.
And you're right, everybodyelse's, like your life is great
looking you and from the outsideis so different than being on
the inside. And so I thinkthat's what we try and get to in
(27:37):
the gratitude adjustment. And inthe self compassion, meditation
challenge and all the things,it's easy to look at somebody
and say, Oh, look at you,everything's so beautiful in the
background of that screen that Isee. Whereas when you hear their
voice, and when you unitethrough what we experience, it
doesn't matter what we have, orwhat it looks like. That
(27:59):
internal space is where we canconnect and realize that
suffering is universal. And sowe can hold each other until
there's room to be able to holdourselves. And sometimes letting
it shine outward is so mucheasier, right? Like we're
learning, it's easy to look atour kids and be like You are
wonderful and perfect and alwaysloved. And then when we go to
(28:22):
lay our head on the pillow,instead of replaying the things
we didn't do well that day, youknow, hopefully, we have that
same mantra that runs through.
And that's where we alsoencourage a little bit of
gratitude practice when the headis when our heads are on the
pillow. And we're quick to go tothe places where we didn't
measure up to some invisibleyardstick. That's when we say,
so nice to have that warm cup ofcoffee, that hot shower, my
(28:46):
neighbor, the bus driver, theteacher, whoever it was right
there, because I would havemissed it. If I was just looking
at what I did or didn't do. Sojust constantly having a space
where all the things when itcomes down to it don't matter so
much. But that internal spacethat I'm cultivating is what
(29:06):
will sustain me, you know, andkind of one of the things that
losing my mom did for me it wasalso helped me to look at what's
really important. And that'salso where the gratitude
adjustment came from is likewhat's really important and what
do we need as humans as weprogress and keep going to those
places where when we saygoodbye? How's it gonna feel and
what's it gonna look like? And Ithink Buddhists use death in a
(29:30):
different way than you know, wedo they they look at it in a way
of recognizing impermanence andhaving a space to remember, you
know, this is where we are now.
That is where we'll be and sowhat's the in between for us and
can it help us live lives thatfeel steady and grounded in the
(29:51):
time that we have here?
Yesterday, I had a prettychallenging It's all the things
of like, Am I doing it right? Isthis ever going to be what I
want it to be? And so I feltlike maybe there was a moment
where you said, maybe there'ssomething that's dying, maybe
there's some image of perfectionor a need for something is just
(30:13):
passing away, and can I feel itand let it go. Instead of
feeling like a moth to theflame, sometimes when it feels
like this suffering, sometimes Ifeel like I go toward it more.
And it becomes that thing that,you know, attracts me and I
won't let it go. And I keepbeing pulled to it instead of
(30:33):
like, Oh, it's just the processof transformation. You know,
that butterfly when it thinksit's gonna die, and everything
is over, or the caterpillar, andthen it becomes. So I think
you're right, there's a lot tolearn in that idea of maybe
we're just shedding something.
And the experience that you wentthrough is confronting all the
things that we're probably toldthat we're not allowed to feel
(30:56):
or look at or experience, andhow can we go right toward that
and get the support that weneed. So that something within
us, you know, the perfection,burns away, and there's room to
really be genuine and real inthe messiness of life. And I
(31:17):
think that we sometimes get soldthis idea of change and
transformation being lovely andwonderful. And you know, I think
in the yoga industry, it getsMiss packaged. And I think that
I try really hard not tocall transforming
transformation, this wonderfullybeautiful, like, it's awkward,
it's messy, it's challengingdeath, that feeling of something
(31:38):
dying before it's reborn isreally hard. And so I think one
of the things that we can do inall of this is remind people
like, yes, it's gonna feel likeyou're walking through the fire.
But you can really sit next tothose feelings, and let them be
felt and let them change if theydo, right. If there's always a
(31:58):
little bit of sadness, that'sokay, too, because I think
that's what keeps us connected.
And when somebody says, Oh, Ilost my mom, or I'm going
through a really challengingtime, what we've gone through is
what allows us to really justhold them and not have to fill
the space with like, Oh, it'llget better. Oh, it's meant to
be, you know, some short thing.
You know, you just hold them,probably without saying anything
(32:20):
more, maybe it's like, tell meabout, tell me about your mom,
she must have been amazing rain.
And so that even gets me chokedup, because there's something
about learning about what theylost and keeping it alive, just
enough to sustain them too. Yes.
Tara Beckett (32:40):
Tell me about your mom, she must have been an
amazing person.
Unknown (32:45):
Thank you, she was incredible. It's one of those
things, when you become a mom,that it's you realize how much
they actually do and hold. So Ithink I'm just like, I think
there was a lot of time where Iwas super grateful, because she
(33:05):
would swoop in and like save andhelp save the day. And now I'm
just realizing how much theyactually hold, right how much we
hold. And just having some roomand some gratitude for all of
those kind of invisible handsthat keep us going. So now I
definitely feel like her spiritis so strong, and guides me to
(33:29):
be surrounded with other reallypowerful women. So I'm her
youngest, which means and mysister was really just a strong
force as well, a lot like mymom. And I was quick to just go
along with the program, youknow, I'll be in the backseat,
tell me when to be there, youknow, and I'm still sort of like
that in my friendships a littlebit like, Oh, I'll tell me when
(33:50):
to get ready. And you drive.
I'll go wherever you want to go.
And so I think she's surroundedme with some people that are
like her strong and able to takethe reins and help me out and
guide me. And then she's alsoleft me with her fear side of
when something feels like I needto speak up or get in there
create, I'm able to do that,too. So yeah, I feel like we're
(34:13):
lucky to find each other, youknow, other women on this path
that can see us and hold us andsupport us. And I feel grateful
that we've had the guides thatwe had, and they're never really
gone. Right. I think we alwayshave those things and those
people kind of coursing throughus and guiding us in really
lovely almost invisible ways.
Tara Beckett (34:36):
Thank you so much, Larry. Thank you. It's a
pleasure.
Unknown (34:38):
Always.
Tara Beckett (34:39):
We'll be together soon. Yes, in the studio or
otherwise. Yes.
Unknown (34:44):
That sounds great.
Yeah, I know you have some greatplans for future guests. So I'm
going to be listening closelyfollowing along and happy to
jump in anytime in the nearfuture. Okay, thank you. All
right. You perfect perfect
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