March 22, 2022 • 37 mins
In this week's episode of Let Perfect Burn, I sit down with Sarah Tomakich, a Licensed Sex Therapist. Sarah learned to fly airplanes as a young woman in her attempt to escape her home of origin. Later in her life, Sarah's divorce brought her back to the ground— she found her own therapist and was forever changed.
Through her own therapy, Sarah began a journey of unpacking all of the pieces of herself that she had kept closeted —her perfectionism being very effective at protecting her from pain.
Sarah's devotion to her continued work on her own self-discovery is what allows her to show up for her clients as the most authentic version of herself as she can be.
Now believing with her whole heart that love is infinite and that every piece of her deserves to be seen and heard, Sarah has found another chapter in her life where both she and her clients are allowed to show up fully and allowed to believe that they are, by nature of being alive, enough.
Some highlights in this Episode from Sarah:
" It's important to be curious about ourselves and to have a way of developing a very connected inner world. To be able to ask, 'What does my inner world look like? And what does it give me? And why did I need to protect it from somebody?'"
" I needed my perfectionism. It helped me, it protected me from some things that happened to me. But now I don't want to live as protected anymore. So I think that this idea of it burning away is the idea of whatever is underneath is the woman I want."
" I no longer feel the need to be different than I am today. That what I'm offering, who I am is loving and messy and disappointing. But enough. Enough for me and enough for those around me. And that... that is my recovery."
Don't Miss a Beat.
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Original Music for Let Perfect Burn by Eleri Ward
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tara Beckett (00:16):
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett and welcome back to let
perfect perfect. Today I sitdown with Sarah Tamika, a
licensed sex therapist. Sarahsits down with me to talk about
(00:39):
early traumas, as well as herwinding path to finding her
calling as a sex therapist. Saraself compassion, and her
willingness to be the mostauthentic version of herself
that she can be is a gift to herpatients.
(01:08):
I'm here today with Sara atomichitch, full disclosure, we were
friends back in middle school.
And we were talking before westarted recording about how
Facebook and social media isthis weird thing where we see
each other's lives withoutnecessarily talking to each
other. So I'm really excited tohave you Sarah and actually get
(01:28):
to hear more about your journey.
We were also talking about thisdiary we had in middle school,
where we were practicing how tobe rageful teenagers. But we
were closeted. Like it had to goin a diary. Sarah, is this
(01:48):
something you remember?
Unknown (01:50):
I do. I remember writing to the diary and asking
it why it was so angry. Why orwhy it was so mad. I don't
remember the exact text. And Iremember being you know, very
interested in the diariesfeelings, I
Tara Beckett (02:05):
think it was Dear Diary, why are you so upset? And
why are you
Unknown (02:10):
so of course you have to be a little bit quieter. so
upset.
Tara Beckett (02:14):
No big feelings allowed? Right? And I think we
responded who the hell knows.
But I digress. Say Sara is a sextherapist and has a long journey
with some cool twists and turns.
And Sara, I would just love toknow, as you went off to
(02:37):
college, or maybe you need tostart a little bit before then
take us down your winding roadand how you got to where you are
now.
Unknown (02:45):
And so Tara and I grew up in Michigan together and so
there was an airport that wassort of in in the neighborhood
of our where we grew up. So Iwould drive by the airport all
the time and thought about thatI wanted to take a lesson so I
convinced my mom to go in andtalk to the flight school about
taking a lesson and then theflight instructor guy was really
(03:08):
cute. Yeah, and 20 years thatwould became my career for 20
years. I was a professionalpilot, I flew for families that
had a lot of money and had theirown airplanes. I was their
private pilot. Ooh, oh, yeah. SoI got to travel to many
beautiful places. I went toAspen for Christmas and seeing
(03:28):
the Four Seasons in New YorkCity, it was a very glamorous
life. Um, in the in between timethough, I got married and my I
got married and divorced. Andwhen I I quit flying after my
divorce and moved to WashingtonDC, and did took a consulting
(03:50):
job, which ended up being like aparticularly serendipitous
experience for me, becausewithin a walkable distance, I
found my therapist and I went totherapy originally presented
into therapy because I wanted mytherapist to validate for me
that I won the divorce that Iwas right I should have that I
(04:13):
was a good person and I wasright about the divorce. Well,
that really didn't work out thatway. No, and ended up have my a
therapy ended up becoming liketruthfully, a very life changing
experience for me, we really duginto sort of what it meant for
me to be an angry person to beangry, but some of the things
(04:36):
that my life had sort of thatwere confusing to me, and
inexplicable. And through thatthe course of my own therapy i i
loved therapy so much I wantedto
Tara Beckett (04:48):
be a therapist.
And so that after the divorcethat was seems like that was the
turn into something new,
Unknown (04:57):
was it and that was now looking back I've been divorced
for a long time that I can lookback and look at my divorce as
something that was very good.
For me, it was something thatreally helped me move into one
of the things that I learned inmy therapy and through the
course of unpacking my divorcewas that I really believed that
my love was so strong and sopowerful that I could turn my ex
(05:17):
husband into somebody that Ineeded him to be if he wasn't
just okay as he was, but Ineeded to fix him, I needed to
love him into fixing him, inthat it was my very strong will
that could save our marriage andcertainly not a healthy way or
way that I wanted to be inrelationship.
Tara Beckett (05:38):
And would you say he was trying to do the same.
Unknown (05:42):
I would say he was more avoiding his life. He he really,
I think he had different reasonsfor I think we both used each
other to escape our lives, he Ineeded to figure out a way to
get out of my family home. Andhe offered a way out. And I
think I did the same thing forhim. But we just we were using
(06:03):
each other for differentreasons.
(06:24):
You know, one of the things thatI like about being a career
change therapist or therapistlater in life is that I already
brought with me a lot ofopinions and a lot of feelings
about what it means to be atherapist, and what kind of
therapist I wanted to be andwho, who I was as a person.
Truthfully, the most importantthing to me about being a
therapist is showing upauthentically in therapy showing
(06:45):
up as myself. And that wassomething that my previous
career, really, you don't showup as yourself, you show up as a
part of the machine to do thework. But one of the things I
really love about being atherapist is I, I show up in
therapy as myself. And that issomething that is truly so
important to me so that I don'thave to hide or I have to. And
(07:05):
I'm not for everybody for thatreason, not for everybody. And
that's okay. But I really likethat I can show up in and I
mean, I'm a therapist.
Tara Beckett (07:14):
Absolutely. And when you say I'm a sex
therapist, what do you thinkpeople think about what you do
versus what do you do?
Unknown (07:26):
Yes, I think that's a great question. My friends who
are sex therapists here and Italked about this, we're like we
people must imagine we had likethese crazy sex lives that no
one knows about, you reallyenjoy our sex lives are so much
less important. But I'm a sextherapist, because I think that
I'm the kind of therapist thatwants nothing to be taboo. And
what we talk about, I liketalking about death, sex, joy,
(07:50):
pleasure, pain, all of thosekinds of things. And I think
when I'm a sex therapist, itsends the message that you can
come in, and we can talk aboutanything, I'm open to anything,
anything that is on your mind iswelcome in my office. And so
that's how I conceptualize beinga sex therapist. And sex is part
of all of us were born from sex,or most of us are having it or
(08:11):
would like to be having it. Andso it's a big part of life, just
like death. And so these are thethings that I want to talk
about, I want to talk about thethings that are really impacting
our lives. And I think that mysex therapy banner really
advertises that, that thatopenness.
Tara Beckett (08:28):
And I'm just thinking, we grew up, I would
like to call it like plainvanilla ice cream Michigan. Yes.
And I didn't understand how whatpleasure was, or, you know, all
I knew was that the peoplehaving sex in high school, were
(08:48):
kind of the dirty kids, or youdidn't talk about it at all. And
it just didn't seem like therewas any healthy conversation
available to us where we lived.
Unknown (08:59):
No, and I think that's one of the things that I like
about being a sex therapist isthat one of the fun parts is I
get to be sort of like an adultsex educator, which means I can
send her pleasure I don't haveto pretend that sex isn't fun,
or the sex isn't enjoyable orthat sex is something that we
should want to desire and, andthat arousal is a part of our
(09:20):
life. I get to dig into thatwith people. And I do think that
sex education as children islimited, because I think there
is sometimes secrecy involved,like, here's a thing that's
going to happen, but like yousaid, the connotations or it can
be that it's bad, it's dirty. Wedon't talk about it, we talk
about it only medically, andthere is no emotion connected to
(09:43):
it when sex is a very emotionalcan be a very emotional,
Tara Beckett (09:46):
absolutely, and I it in good and bad ways. Right?
Like, trauma can come from sexpleasure can come from sex. You
know, the whole gamut feels likeit's available just in talking
about that topic. But
Unknown (10:00):
just in that topic, and that's what's so cool about it's
this umbrella topic that thereis no one way to talk about it.
But there's always an emotionalaccess point to sex there it is
not. You are not devoid ofyourself when you're having sex.
And if you are that's there's anemotional experience is
happening because of that.
Tara Beckett (10:30):
When you were saying that flying was an exit
out of your home, what were youescaping?
Unknown (10:39):
That's a good question.
I think I had a very confusingchildhood. My parents were kids
when they had me. And one of myfavorite authors, Alice Miller
talks about how often people whogrow up to be therapists were
therapists, when they were kidsin the way that we had to
negotiate the emotional lives ofour parents. And I think that
(11:01):
that really encapsulates meaningone of the one of my gifts as a
therapist is that I can navigatethe emotional lives of people,
but I had a lot of practice init. And I started very young. I
joke sometimes with my motherthat she's my first patient, but
it's it's a joke based inreality, you know, she she was a
young, very young when she hadme and I think that it was a
(11:23):
confusing time for her and verymuch a confusing time for me as
a child.
(11:49):
My husband and I were dating soI'm, I'm re I got remarried. And
my husband I put together for afew years. But when we were
dating, I lived in thisapartment it was across the
street was a Coney Island. Whichif you're from Michigan, Oh,
yeah. 1/3 like, oh, you know,right after
Tara Beckett (12:06):
every football game.
Unknown (12:08):
Every mobile game, the Coney Island. So we were across
the street at the Coney Island,and one of his ex wife's
relatives saw us there andreported to his ex wife that I
was five foot 10. This is animportant part of the story. So
(12:29):
she texted him later that night.
I know your girlfriend is fivefoot 10. And we sort of thought
that was curious, but we didn'treally think much of it. If you
fast forward three years later,his daughter, their shared
child, got on my bike, and wassurprised that she could ride on
it because she said to myhusband, I'm surprised I can
(12:51):
ride on Thurs bike because she'sfive foot 10. So an important
part of the story is that I amnot five foot 10. I have since
adulthood been five foot seven.
But I think part of what happenswhen we're kids is we, there's
folklore that exists aroundthings. So like, for instance,
(13:11):
I'm a five foot 10 woman. Andthis was the folklore of their
family. And even in the face ofour own realities, our own.
Standing next to me seeing thatI was that I was five foot
seven, can't necessarily betrusted. Because when one of our
parents tells us this person isfive foot 10, that becomes our
reality. And so part of my jobis therapists and part of our
(13:34):
jobs as adults, I think is tolook at Can I trust myself? Can
I trust that Sarah is five footseven? Can I trust that? That my
reality and the way that Iexperienced my reality is real
instead of integrating? What arethe folklore from our families?
And that I think really is ourjob as adults is to figure out
what's real and what's what waspart of the folklore of our
(13:55):
family.
Tara Beckett (13:56):
Yeah, so Sarah, that is hitting me hard in that.
I feel like I'm just now at 40coming into an authentic self.
And that can be really excitingthat I actually got there. And
it can feel really sad that Ididn't know how to for a long
(14:20):
time. And did you have a similarexperience or something
different when it came to, youknow, being this person you are
now
Unknown (14:30):
I had a very similar experience. And I think that one
of the things I admire aboutwhat you're doing here is you're
modeling that healing happens incommunity, right? We need
helpers to find, find our ownreality to find our own truth to
learn that we can trustourselves. And what you're doing
with this podcast is creatingthat, that group of helpers to
(14:50):
say this is how I arrived onthis journey. And that was a
similar experience. For me myexperience of figuring out what
in my life was a five foot sevenwoman. And what I had been told
is a five foot 10 woman, thatspace and those three inches
created so much grief for me,because of all the people that I
(15:11):
want to trust and all of us wantto trust her life are the adult
caregivers want to believe thatthey're helping us find our own
reality. That is, it isn'talways the case. And I think
that the that space in betweenthere creates so much can create
so much sadness. And that was myjourney was really getting in
touch with that, that grief. Andtruthfully, like we talked to
(15:32):
our earlier a lot of rage. Whydon't you tell me? Why didn't
you tell me she was five footseven? Why? Why was this like
this and that was really, reallya hard journey for me because I
felt I had to first go to myanger to get to my grief be one
(15:53):
of the best parts of my journeywas my journey into forgiveness.
And it wasn't forgiving them forfor doing the best that they
could. But it was forgivingmyself for needing more and not
getting it to say that it wasokay that I needed more that I
didn't get and I forgive myselffor for, for wanting so badly
that I that I squashed her, thatI squash that person. And that,
(16:18):
that journey for me forgiveness,I just play with it a little bit
differently. Forgiveness is forme to be gentle with that person
who needed more, and didn't getwhat she needed. But it's not
for my parents, it's for me, myparents were doing the best they
could. And the forgiveness comesfrom me wanting more and not
(16:38):
being able to get.
Tara Beckett (16:40):
And for me wanting more and not even asking.
Unknown (16:45):
Correct not even knowing how to ask
Tara Beckett (16:49):
or feeling like if I did ask. I was crumbling, some
kind of image that if itcrumbled, what does that mean?
And do I have any value if I'mnot doing the thing?
Unknown (17:04):
If I mean, my husband, I were talking about this the
other day, one of the valuessomething I value about myself
still to this day. But that wassomething I placed an even
higher value on early in lifewas my competence, right? I
could figure things out. Ididn't need someone to help me I
could sorta I could do thesethings. And I think that that
(17:25):
that was a way that it washarder to say I need help. I
need something I need more. Idon't know I have needs like to
be able to turn it back and sayI need is a difficult thing to
do.
Tara Beckett (17:37):
And I'm also, like you said, with creating
community. I'm hoping that we aswomen can need can get hungry
for honesty and falling down andfalling apart or being joyful.
Like we can also celebratetogether. Heck yeah, we did
(17:59):
something. But I just feel likefor me, I've always felt pretty
silenced. If I go outside, youknow, by society if I go outside
those limits those limits.
Unknown (18:14):
Yeah, I I couldn't agree more. I think being messy
person or being playful.
Sometimes it's very difficult asan adult right to say really
want to find that playfulnessand that messiness, and I don't
need to know how this is goingto turn out for it to be okay
isn't necessarily what you'resupposed to do on your
competence. Good thing.
Tara Beckett (18:38):
And, you know, I, you asked me, you know, when I
reached out to you and wanted tohave you on, you're like, how
did you know, I was aperfectionist? And I'm like, I
don't know, I had an inkling,right, and what is being a
perfectionist to you? And, youknow, I feel like, I don't know
that it'll ever leave me and Idon't know how you feel about
(19:01):
it.
Unknown (19:03):
I don't think it ever does leave me I think it's, it's
I liked that you framed in yourintro, sort of being in
recovery. I like a recoverymodel, which is the way that my
perfectionism is a high value tome because it was something I
needed at the time to feel myown value to feel valued by
(19:24):
others. And it's still there ifI need it. It's still there.
It's still accessible to me. ButI think for me, being a
perfectionist was kind of what Italked about with my ex husband
was loving people with anexpectation that they'd be
different. And one of the thingsthat you're able to recognize
and identify my perfectionism ormy rigid way that I looked at
(19:47):
people was to be open and lovingto people as they come to me is
to say, I don't need you to beany different than you are
today. And that's kind of thatof course always starts with us
right was that I know longerfeel the need to be different
than I am today that what I'moffering who I am is is loving
and messy and disappointing andRowson. But Enough enough for me
(20:11):
and enough for those around me.
And that is, that is my recovery
Tara Beckett (20:24):
my therapist who I also have a very close
relationship, just because shehas been there for all of the
stuff, right, and you justformed this bond with this
person who has held you in allof these states. And I was
really, really frustrated withmy session yesterday, because,
you know, I'm changingmedication. And it is so
(20:46):
frustrating because this symptomover here goes away, but then
you feel like you want to throwup all day. And so it could feel
like this will never end it'llnever get better. What is the
point? And, you know, thinkingabout perfectionism as a
recovery, or mental health as arecovery, trauma as a recovery
(21:06):
is, you know, the boat is slowmoving. It's not, it's not like
the perfectionist, snap yourfingers. Will it to be so it's
not that way. Oh, I wish it was
Unknown (21:19):
this. It wish it was too. And this is such a hard
thing. And I think about this alot. Oh, we logically like I
logically knew for a long time,like whatever I was doing wasn't
working. But it was the way Iknew how to do it was the way.
And it was it's very difficultto sort of integrate your
logical experience with youremotional experience, which is
much harder, which is just muchmore, I want to say ruthless in
(21:43):
the way that it's honest withyou.
Tara Beckett (21:56):
In your second marriage, can you just talk
about meeting your currenthusband? And how was that
different than your firstmarriage?
Unknown (22:08):
That's such a good question. Because I think about
this a lot. So I met my husbandwhen I was in my late 30s. And I
think that I had already beenthrough my therapy, I was really
looking for a relationship wherewe both could just show up as
ourselves where it didn't haveto be something that was this
(22:29):
pre preconceived notion of whatwhat a good marriage looks like.
And I think that that'ssomething that I will say the
thing I am the most proud of inmy life is my marriage is my and
my husband, because we show upwhen it's messy when it's
difficult. And he is certainlymy biggest cheerleader and, and
(22:50):
he really is like, such awonderful confidant. And I
really give that the credit toboth of us for being able to
show up. And even when it wasn'teasy. You know, I hate when this
is hard for me, because I hatewhen people are like me are just
so so hard. We're just such hardwork. And I think it is marriage
is hard work. But I like thework the hard work that we do,
(23:13):
because it's about being inconnection with each other. It's
about not losing sight of theconnection. And that is
something that is really, reallyvaluable to me. And really
something that I am very proudof in my life is that the work
that I had done, letting go ofmy perfectionist tendencies and
my expectations that people hadto meet a certain standard to be
(23:34):
lovable has really brought me alot of peace and a lot of joy in
my marriage.
Tara Beckett (23:39):
It's awesome. So Sarah, like you were talking
about with a five foot 10 Five,seven story. He has children
from another marriage. Yeah. Canyou speak to that? And how how
to navigate that.
Unknown (23:53):
I don't know that. You know, one of the things that's I
work with quite a few stepparents, I think I wrote to you
about this too is that parents,I think it's such a hard label
because I'm, I'm not a mother bythe standard of motherhood that
means that I have born a childor adopted a child to raise. I
(24:15):
define motherhood a bit morebroadly. That is for me to
decide. But I'm but I do nothave children of my own. And I
think that each family is sodifferent and blended families
are so challenging in their ownway. And I think that, again,
we're dealing with you come intoa family with their own
(24:37):
folklore. And then you're justsort of this person that's in
this new role and I reallyprefer in the way that my step
family is arranged to be myhusband's wife. Like that's the
role that feels most comfortableto me. I don't feel like their
stepmother. I would love to betheir step friend or their stuff
is connected with them in a waythat I care about them a Make
(25:00):
sure their favorite ice cream isin the freezer. And I do these
little things to make sure thatthey're comfortable in my home.
But I don't take, I don't worryabout their future, I don't
worry in the same way that amother would do. So I think that
that, but every person has tofind what works for them. And
one of the one of my clientswho's come into a step role,
(25:24):
which she and I were talkingabout this about how there's a
way people will say things likeyou knew what you were getting
into, you knew what you signedup for, you know, the kids will
always come first. And there'sall these tropes around step,
family hood, that can be verydifficult when you're in the
situation to say, did I knowwhat I was getting into? Will
(25:45):
the children always come first,because just to pick apart that
the children are will alwayscome first thing, it sets it up
where love is a pie, and there'sonly so much love to go around.
And one of the ways my husbandand I have decided to do it is
that are real in ourrelationship, the marriage
(26:07):
prioritizes the children. So wedecided together that the
children are a priority, butthere is no, he loves one of us
more or less than anybody else.
Yep, love is infinite. And hehas an infinite love to give.
And so there is no he loves thechildren more, or he loves me
more. He loves all of us. And heloves all of us in the infinite
way that love exists. But Ithink that that prioritizing of
(26:28):
love has somebody on top is anold folklore from a lot of
people's families to
Tara Beckett (26:37):
absolutely or.
Yeah, and I'm just thinkingabout the trope that you
mentioned about No, the childrenwill come first it almost feels
like it's setting up the thepartner and the Partnership for
failure. Right? Like, sorry,sorry, Sarah, you're never going
(26:58):
to get what you know, the asmuch as you need, you're gonna
go hungry if you marry this man.
Unknown (27:06):
Amen. And I think that that's why 67% of second
marriages end in divorce isbecause we have these faulty
tropes around love being a pielovers out of high love can and
one of the things that canhappen is if you set it up where
the children always be thepriority and you come second, if
you have a need, where does yourneed go that and the children
(27:27):
know this, they can explain thatthey don't do this
intentionally. But they sensethis imbalance. And so they know
that they can, they can separatethe the parent and the step
adults from each other becauseof the that when you make love
hierarchical, it sets everybodyup for feeling uncomfortable for
feeling boundary lists. And whenyou when you I think when you
(27:50):
set it up where the adultscontain the children, whether
it's a step family situation, ora family of origin situation,
the adults contain the children.
It doesn't, you don't dividepeople, you're all there
together for the same reason.
Tara Beckett (28:04):
Yes, and I am guessing there's either in your
own therapy or as you work, Istruggle as a perfectionist to
remember that triangle ofactually, you at the top is the
most important thing. And thenyour partnership, and then your
family, right. And even withkids that I you know had had
(28:30):
through my body, right or if youhave stepchildren in your
family. It feels likeremembering that triangle every
single day because I alwaysflipped the triangle upside down
and put me at the bottom.
Unknown (28:48):
And this will be model for children that right is that
our needs are always coming lastwhen we are comfortable in our
triangle saying that I haveneeds and I'm comfortable owning
those needs, even if they makeothers uncomfortable. We're
modeling autonomy we're modelingneeds. And one of the ways
people talk us out of thosethings is to tell us that we're
(29:09):
being selfish by doing that.
It's selfish for us to have ourown needs and our own wants and
our own desires, their ownhobbies. And I think it's part
of our job to just not buy it.
Don't buy it
Tara Beckett (29:22):
not buy it. No, no, no I'm
Unknown (29:25):
a better person when I can show up fulfilled. My face
(30:00):
therapist, therapist is anauthor. And he wrote a book and
he says that he believes thattherapists like doing therapy
because it's like being intherapy all the time. In their
instance, like, I love that,because I'm like, Yes, that is
why I love being a therapist,because my, my, the people that
I work with Teach me as much asI hold space for them. And so I
(30:22):
don't I think my divorce was agift to me in that way, seeing
the way that it helped me seethat what I was doing wasn't
working, that what I was doingwas or was the hamster on a
wheel that was going somewhere,was only going to wear me out.
And so yes, I feel very thankfulfor my discovery. feel thankful
I found the therapist who isright for me, because that can
(30:43):
be a journey to it's findingyour therapist. Yes.
Tara Beckett (30:47):
And, Sarah, I feel like we're coming full circle.
And that. Just, you know, inmiddle school, we had that rage
closeted anger. And I think weare definitely on this journey
of not being closeted anymore.
And it feels good.
Unknown (31:10):
Right? It feels good to be out in the open and be like,
Yes, I get angry. Yes, I have afull range of emotions of which
I am not going to mute forothers comfort. And not that I'm
not not that you and I are bothconscientious and kind of giving
people but these are things thatit's just we're tired. I'm tired
of pretending that it's okay,because now I know it's not and
(31:32):
I can't pretend anymore.
Tara Beckett (31:33):
Yeah. And it's freeing. Is it it's, you know,
it's Yes. To just circle back tothat sex therapist, it's our
guest.
(31:55):
In I don't want to call itconclusion, because I really
hope we can just keep thisconversation going. It's awesome
to talk to you. And just to hearyour story. What does let
perfect burn bring up for you?
Unknown (32:12):
Know, I really like the work that you're doing. Because
I think that it's such animportant thing for for each of
us. And I think what you justlike we were talking about
modeling before your modelingthat there is no right way to do
this. There's no right way tofigure out how to unwind the
stories of our life, how tofigure out if the stories of our
(32:33):
life are our own stories, orthey were stories that were told
to us that we've integrated in Ilike watching this with you and
being a witness with you, too.
You get to figure that out. AndI saw I think what let perfect
burn means is I needed myperfectionism. It helped me it
protected me from some thingsthat happened to me. But now I
(32:56):
don't want to be I don't want tolive as protected anymore. And
so I think that idea of itburning is that idea of it's
slowly eroding away the ideathat whatever's underneath is
who I want.
Tara Beckett (33:13):
Yeah, one of me is a good way to say it, because
that is what continued therapyand continued work in this
space. asks me to walk up tothis person and give her a look,
right?
Unknown (33:28):
Yes, absolutely. Give her a look. Ask her what she's
doing there. How does she Whatdoes she look like? You know,
one of the one of the activitiesI do with my clients all the
time, see, like, what does shelike? How old? Is she? Where?
Where did she get lost? What isshe hiding behind? I mean, not?
Because I think it's importantto be curious about our selling,
(33:49):
this is my this will. This is myguiding mantra is it I think
it's always important to becurious about ourselves, and
that way of developing a veryconnected inner world. What does
my inner world like? And whatdoes it give me? And what did it
why did I need to protect itfrom somebody?
Tara Beckett (34:07):
Yes. And my therapist one time, not one time
recently, actually. I had thisidea that if I was struggling
with mental health, there wassomething to fix. If I was doing
my perfectionist thing again, Iwasn't being authentic. There's
something to fix. And she said,Tara, like, there's going to be
(34:30):
times you put your lipstick onand present in a way where you
got everything together. Andthere's going to be times where
you call me with no makeupsobbing and you can't stop,
right? But put an arm around allthose women and give her love
and compassion that she has allthese different moments. And
that just because you had thiscrisis that really affected your
(34:52):
life and that you're doing allthis work, doesn't mean that all
those pieces should disappear.
Right? So
Unknown (35:00):
Oh, I love that so much because I really do think that
those were all pieces like I'mpart of my perfectionist as part
of me she protected me she wasthere she's there when I need
all of her my angry part youknow what I don't have to access
her as often she's there if Ineed to protect myself, she's
there to defend and advocate forme. But, and then there's the
(35:22):
sad part of that gets to comeout and play to win. It's really
meaningful. But there is the,the all of those. I love that. I
love this that your therapistgave you this image because it's
all of those pieces are piecesof Austin. None of them need to
be discarded or changed orfixed.
Tara Beckett (35:40):
Yes. Well, Sara, oh, this is so fun. I love the
work you're doing is so real andbrave. And you know, your
patients are so lucky to haveyou in their camp. Just to
really be able to have somebodywho shows up in the way you
clearly show up for them. Thatis huge. Which you and I both
(36:02):
know is when you get thatperson. They really are integral
to your self discovery. So it'sbeen a pleasure and hang
Unknown (36:11):
in there if you haven't found if you haven't found the
right therapist. Keep looking.
Yeah, this it's not you it's youhaven't found the right match?
Tara Beckett (36:20):
Yes, absolutely.
So and you know, Sarah and Iwill say a million times
listeners. Therapy is this thingwhere if you are interested in
that authentic self anddiscovering her like you said
find the right person but theywill take you on a ride that is
so worth it.
Unknown (36:41):
I could not agree more.
Tara Beckett (36:44):
Well Sarah, thank you so much. And let's keep this
conversation going. Please, bye.
Perfect. Perfect
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett and welcome back to let
perfect perfect. Today I sitdown with Sarah Tamika, a
licensed sex therapist. Sarahsits down with me to talk about
(00:39):
early traumas, as well as herwinding path to finding her
calling as a sex therapist. Saraself compassion, and her
willingness to be the mostauthentic version of herself
that she can be is a gift to herpatients.
(01:08):
I'm here today with Sara atomichitch, full disclosure, we were
friends back in middle school.
And we were talking before westarted recording about how
Facebook and social media isthis weird thing where we see
each other's lives withoutnecessarily talking to each
other. So I'm really excited tohave you Sarah and actually get
(01:28):
to hear more about your journey.
We were also talking about thisdiary we had in middle school,
where we were practicing how tobe rageful teenagers. But we
were closeted. Like it had to goin a diary. Sarah, is this
(01:48):
something you remember?
Unknown (01:50):
I do. I remember writing to the diary and asking
it why it was so angry. Why orwhy it was so mad. I don't
remember the exact text. And Iremember being you know, very
interested in the diariesfeelings, I
Tara Beckett (02:05):
think it was Dear Diary, why are you so upset? And
why are you
Unknown (02:10):
so of course you have to be a little bit quieter. so
upset.
Tara Beckett (02:14):
No big feelings allowed? Right? And I think we
responded who the hell knows.
But I digress. Say Sara is a sextherapist and has a long journey
with some cool twists and turns.
And Sara, I would just love toknow, as you went off to
(02:37):
college, or maybe you need tostart a little bit before then
take us down your winding roadand how you got to where you are
now.
Unknown (02:45):
And so Tara and I grew up in Michigan together and so
there was an airport that wassort of in in the neighborhood
of our where we grew up. So Iwould drive by the airport all
the time and thought about thatI wanted to take a lesson so I
convinced my mom to go in andtalk to the flight school about
taking a lesson and then theflight instructor guy was really
(03:08):
cute. Yeah, and 20 years thatwould became my career for 20
years. I was a professionalpilot, I flew for families that
had a lot of money and had theirown airplanes. I was their
private pilot. Ooh, oh, yeah. SoI got to travel to many
beautiful places. I went toAspen for Christmas and seeing
(03:28):
the Four Seasons in New YorkCity, it was a very glamorous
life. Um, in the in between timethough, I got married and my I
got married and divorced. Andwhen I I quit flying after my
divorce and moved to WashingtonDC, and did took a consulting
(03:50):
job, which ended up being like aparticularly serendipitous
experience for me, becausewithin a walkable distance, I
found my therapist and I went totherapy originally presented
into therapy because I wanted mytherapist to validate for me
that I won the divorce that Iwas right I should have that I
(04:13):
was a good person and I wasright about the divorce. Well,
that really didn't work out thatway. No, and ended up have my a
therapy ended up becoming liketruthfully, a very life changing
experience for me, we really duginto sort of what it meant for
me to be an angry person to beangry, but some of the things
(04:36):
that my life had sort of thatwere confusing to me, and
inexplicable. And through thatthe course of my own therapy i i
loved therapy so much I wantedto
Tara Beckett (04:48):
be a therapist.
And so that after the divorcethat was seems like that was the
turn into something new,
Unknown (04:57):
was it and that was now looking back I've been divorced
for a long time that I can lookback and look at my divorce as
something that was very good.
For me, it was something thatreally helped me move into one
of the things that I learned inmy therapy and through the
course of unpacking my divorcewas that I really believed that
my love was so strong and sopowerful that I could turn my ex
(05:17):
husband into somebody that Ineeded him to be if he wasn't
just okay as he was, but Ineeded to fix him, I needed to
love him into fixing him, inthat it was my very strong will
that could save our marriage andcertainly not a healthy way or
way that I wanted to be inrelationship.
Tara Beckett (05:38):
And would you say he was trying to do the same.
Unknown (05:42):
I would say he was more avoiding his life. He he really,
I think he had different reasonsfor I think we both used each
other to escape our lives, he Ineeded to figure out a way to
get out of my family home. Andhe offered a way out. And I
think I did the same thing forhim. But we just we were using
(06:03):
each other for differentreasons.
(06:24):
You know, one of the things thatI like about being a career
change therapist or therapistlater in life is that I already
brought with me a lot ofopinions and a lot of feelings
about what it means to be atherapist, and what kind of
therapist I wanted to be andwho, who I was as a person.
Truthfully, the most importantthing to me about being a
therapist is showing upauthentically in therapy showing
(06:45):
up as myself. And that wassomething that my previous
career, really, you don't showup as yourself, you show up as a
part of the machine to do thework. But one of the things I
really love about being atherapist is I, I show up in
therapy as myself. And that issomething that is truly so
important to me so that I don'thave to hide or I have to. And
(07:05):
I'm not for everybody for thatreason, not for everybody. And
that's okay. But I really likethat I can show up in and I
mean, I'm a therapist.
Tara Beckett (07:14):
Absolutely. And when you say I'm a sex
therapist, what do you thinkpeople think about what you do
versus what do you do?
Unknown (07:26):
Yes, I think that's a great question. My friends who
are sex therapists here and Italked about this, we're like we
people must imagine we had likethese crazy sex lives that no
one knows about, you reallyenjoy our sex lives are so much
less important. But I'm a sextherapist, because I think that
I'm the kind of therapist thatwants nothing to be taboo. And
what we talk about, I liketalking about death, sex, joy,
(07:50):
pleasure, pain, all of thosekinds of things. And I think
when I'm a sex therapist, itsends the message that you can
come in, and we can talk aboutanything, I'm open to anything,
anything that is on your mind iswelcome in my office. And so
that's how I conceptualize beinga sex therapist. And sex is part
of all of us were born from sex,or most of us are having it or
(08:11):
would like to be having it. Andso it's a big part of life, just
like death. And so these are thethings that I want to talk
about, I want to talk about thethings that are really impacting
our lives. And I think that mysex therapy banner really
advertises that, that thatopenness.
Tara Beckett (08:28):
And I'm just thinking, we grew up, I would
like to call it like plainvanilla ice cream Michigan. Yes.
And I didn't understand how whatpleasure was, or, you know, all
I knew was that the peoplehaving sex in high school, were
(08:48):
kind of the dirty kids, or youdidn't talk about it at all. And
it just didn't seem like therewas any healthy conversation
available to us where we lived.
Unknown (08:59):
No, and I think that's one of the things that I like
about being a sex therapist isthat one of the fun parts is I
get to be sort of like an adultsex educator, which means I can
send her pleasure I don't haveto pretend that sex isn't fun,
or the sex isn't enjoyable orthat sex is something that we
should want to desire and, andthat arousal is a part of our
(09:20):
life. I get to dig into thatwith people. And I do think that
sex education as children islimited, because I think there
is sometimes secrecy involved,like, here's a thing that's
going to happen, but like yousaid, the connotations or it can
be that it's bad, it's dirty. Wedon't talk about it, we talk
about it only medically, andthere is no emotion connected to
(09:43):
it when sex is a very emotionalcan be a very emotional,
Tara Beckett (09:46):
absolutely, and I it in good and bad ways. Right?
Like, trauma can come from sexpleasure can come from sex. You
know, the whole gamut feels likeit's available just in talking
about that topic. But
Unknown (10:00):
just in that topic, and that's what's so cool about it's
this umbrella topic that thereis no one way to talk about it.
But there's always an emotionalaccess point to sex there it is
not. You are not devoid ofyourself when you're having sex.
And if you are that's there's anemotional experience is
happening because of that.
Tara Beckett (10:30):
When you were saying that flying was an exit
out of your home, what were youescaping?
Unknown (10:39):
That's a good question.
I think I had a very confusingchildhood. My parents were kids
when they had me. And one of myfavorite authors, Alice Miller
talks about how often people whogrow up to be therapists were
therapists, when they were kidsin the way that we had to
negotiate the emotional lives ofour parents. And I think that
(11:01):
that really encapsulates meaningone of the one of my gifts as a
therapist is that I can navigatethe emotional lives of people,
but I had a lot of practice init. And I started very young. I
joke sometimes with my motherthat she's my first patient, but
it's it's a joke based inreality, you know, she she was a
young, very young when she hadme and I think that it was a
(11:23):
confusing time for her and verymuch a confusing time for me as
a child.
(11:49):
My husband and I were dating soI'm, I'm re I got remarried. And
my husband I put together for afew years. But when we were
dating, I lived in thisapartment it was across the
street was a Coney Island. Whichif you're from Michigan, Oh,
yeah. 1/3 like, oh, you know,right after
Tara Beckett (12:06):
every football game.
Unknown (12:08):
Every mobile game, the Coney Island. So we were across
the street at the Coney Island,and one of his ex wife's
relatives saw us there andreported to his ex wife that I
was five foot 10. This is animportant part of the story. So
(12:29):
she texted him later that night.
I know your girlfriend is fivefoot 10. And we sort of thought
that was curious, but we didn'treally think much of it. If you
fast forward three years later,his daughter, their shared
child, got on my bike, and wassurprised that she could ride on
it because she said to myhusband, I'm surprised I can
(12:51):
ride on Thurs bike because she'sfive foot 10. So an important
part of the story is that I amnot five foot 10. I have since
adulthood been five foot seven.
But I think part of what happenswhen we're kids is we, there's
folklore that exists aroundthings. So like, for instance,
(13:11):
I'm a five foot 10 woman. Andthis was the folklore of their
family. And even in the face ofour own realities, our own.
Standing next to me seeing thatI was that I was five foot
seven, can't necessarily betrusted. Because when one of our
parents tells us this person isfive foot 10, that becomes our
reality. And so part of my jobis therapists and part of our
(13:34):
jobs as adults, I think is tolook at Can I trust myself? Can
I trust that Sarah is five footseven? Can I trust that? That my
reality and the way that Iexperienced my reality is real
instead of integrating? What arethe folklore from our families?
And that I think really is ourjob as adults is to figure out
what's real and what's what waspart of the folklore of our
(13:55):
family.
Tara Beckett (13:56):
Yeah, so Sarah, that is hitting me hard in that.
I feel like I'm just now at 40coming into an authentic self.
And that can be really excitingthat I actually got there. And
it can feel really sad that Ididn't know how to for a long
(14:20):
time. And did you have a similarexperience or something
different when it came to, youknow, being this person you are
now
Unknown (14:30):
I had a very similar experience. And I think that one
of the things I admire aboutwhat you're doing here is you're
modeling that healing happens incommunity, right? We need
helpers to find, find our ownreality to find our own truth to
learn that we can trustourselves. And what you're doing
with this podcast is creatingthat, that group of helpers to
(14:50):
say this is how I arrived onthis journey. And that was a
similar experience. For me myexperience of figuring out what
in my life was a five foot sevenwoman. And what I had been told
is a five foot 10 woman, thatspace and those three inches
created so much grief for me,because of all the people that I
(15:11):
want to trust and all of us wantto trust her life are the adult
caregivers want to believe thatthey're helping us find our own
reality. That is, it isn'talways the case. And I think
that the that space in betweenthere creates so much can create
so much sadness. And that was myjourney was really getting in
touch with that, that grief. Andtruthfully, like we talked to
(15:32):
our earlier a lot of rage. Whydon't you tell me? Why didn't
you tell me she was five footseven? Why? Why was this like
this and that was really, reallya hard journey for me because I
felt I had to first go to myanger to get to my grief be one
(15:53):
of the best parts of my journeywas my journey into forgiveness.
And it wasn't forgiving them forfor doing the best that they
could. But it was forgivingmyself for needing more and not
getting it to say that it wasokay that I needed more that I
didn't get and I forgive myselffor for, for wanting so badly
that I that I squashed her, thatI squash that person. And that,
(16:18):
that journey for me forgiveness,I just play with it a little bit
differently. Forgiveness is forme to be gentle with that person
who needed more, and didn't getwhat she needed. But it's not
for my parents, it's for me, myparents were doing the best they
could. And the forgiveness comesfrom me wanting more and not
(16:38):
being able to get.
Tara Beckett (16:40):
And for me wanting more and not even asking.
Unknown (16:45):
Correct not even knowing how to ask
Tara Beckett (16:49):
or feeling like if I did ask. I was crumbling, some
kind of image that if itcrumbled, what does that mean?
And do I have any value if I'mnot doing the thing?
Unknown (17:04):
If I mean, my husband, I were talking about this the
other day, one of the valuessomething I value about myself
still to this day. But that wassomething I placed an even
higher value on early in lifewas my competence, right? I
could figure things out. Ididn't need someone to help me I
could sorta I could do thesethings. And I think that that
(17:25):
that was a way that it washarder to say I need help. I
need something I need more. Idon't know I have needs like to
be able to turn it back and sayI need is a difficult thing to
do.
Tara Beckett (17:37):
And I'm also, like you said, with creating
community. I'm hoping that we aswomen can need can get hungry
for honesty and falling down andfalling apart or being joyful.
Like we can also celebratetogether. Heck yeah, we did
(17:59):
something. But I just feel likefor me, I've always felt pretty
silenced. If I go outside, youknow, by society if I go outside
those limits those limits.
Unknown (18:14):
Yeah, I I couldn't agree more. I think being messy
person or being playful.
Sometimes it's very difficult asan adult right to say really
want to find that playfulnessand that messiness, and I don't
need to know how this is goingto turn out for it to be okay
isn't necessarily what you'resupposed to do on your
competence. Good thing.
Tara Beckett (18:38):
And, you know, I, you asked me, you know, when I
reached out to you and wanted tohave you on, you're like, how
did you know, I was aperfectionist? And I'm like, I
don't know, I had an inkling,right, and what is being a
perfectionist to you? And, youknow, I feel like, I don't know
that it'll ever leave me and Idon't know how you feel about
(19:01):
it.
Unknown (19:03):
I don't think it ever does leave me I think it's, it's
I liked that you framed in yourintro, sort of being in
recovery. I like a recoverymodel, which is the way that my
perfectionism is a high value tome because it was something I
needed at the time to feel myown value to feel valued by
(19:24):
others. And it's still there ifI need it. It's still there.
It's still accessible to me. ButI think for me, being a
perfectionist was kind of what Italked about with my ex husband
was loving people with anexpectation that they'd be
different. And one of the thingsthat you're able to recognize
and identify my perfectionism ormy rigid way that I looked at
(19:47):
people was to be open and lovingto people as they come to me is
to say, I don't need you to beany different than you are
today. And that's kind of thatof course always starts with us
right was that I know longerfeel the need to be different
than I am today that what I'moffering who I am is is loving
and messy and disappointing andRowson. But Enough enough for me
(20:11):
and enough for those around me.
And that is, that is my recovery
Tara Beckett (20:24):
my therapist who I also have a very close
relationship, just because shehas been there for all of the
stuff, right, and you justformed this bond with this
person who has held you in allof these states. And I was
really, really frustrated withmy session yesterday, because,
you know, I'm changingmedication. And it is so
(20:46):
frustrating because this symptomover here goes away, but then
you feel like you want to throwup all day. And so it could feel
like this will never end it'llnever get better. What is the
point? And, you know, thinkingabout perfectionism as a
recovery, or mental health as arecovery, trauma as a recovery
(21:06):
is, you know, the boat is slowmoving. It's not, it's not like
the perfectionist, snap yourfingers. Will it to be so it's
not that way. Oh, I wish it was
Unknown (21:19):
this. It wish it was too. And this is such a hard
thing. And I think about this alot. Oh, we logically like I
logically knew for a long time,like whatever I was doing wasn't
working. But it was the way Iknew how to do it was the way.
And it was it's very difficultto sort of integrate your
logical experience with youremotional experience, which is
much harder, which is just muchmore, I want to say ruthless in
(21:43):
the way that it's honest withyou.
Tara Beckett (21:56):
In your second marriage, can you just talk
about meeting your currenthusband? And how was that
different than your firstmarriage?
Unknown (22:08):
That's such a good question. Because I think about
this a lot. So I met my husbandwhen I was in my late 30s. And I
think that I had already beenthrough my therapy, I was really
looking for a relationship wherewe both could just show up as
ourselves where it didn't haveto be something that was this
(22:29):
pre preconceived notion of whatwhat a good marriage looks like.
And I think that that'ssomething that I will say the
thing I am the most proud of inmy life is my marriage is my and
my husband, because we show upwhen it's messy when it's
difficult. And he is certainlymy biggest cheerleader and, and
(22:50):
he really is like, such awonderful confidant. And I
really give that the credit toboth of us for being able to
show up. And even when it wasn'teasy. You know, I hate when this
is hard for me, because I hatewhen people are like me are just
so so hard. We're just such hardwork. And I think it is marriage
is hard work. But I like thework the hard work that we do,
(23:13):
because it's about being inconnection with each other. It's
about not losing sight of theconnection. And that is
something that is really, reallyvaluable to me. And really
something that I am very proudof in my life is that the work
that I had done, letting go ofmy perfectionist tendencies and
my expectations that people hadto meet a certain standard to be
(23:34):
lovable has really brought me alot of peace and a lot of joy in
my marriage.
Tara Beckett (23:39):
It's awesome. So Sarah, like you were talking
about with a five foot 10 Five,seven story. He has children
from another marriage. Yeah. Canyou speak to that? And how how
to navigate that.
Unknown (23:53):
I don't know that. You know, one of the things that's I
work with quite a few stepparents, I think I wrote to you
about this too is that parents,I think it's such a hard label
because I'm, I'm not a mother bythe standard of motherhood that
means that I have born a childor adopted a child to raise. I
(24:15):
define motherhood a bit morebroadly. That is for me to
decide. But I'm but I do nothave children of my own. And I
think that each family is sodifferent and blended families
are so challenging in their ownway. And I think that, again,
we're dealing with you come intoa family with their own
(24:37):
folklore. And then you're justsort of this person that's in
this new role and I reallyprefer in the way that my step
family is arranged to be myhusband's wife. Like that's the
role that feels most comfortableto me. I don't feel like their
stepmother. I would love to betheir step friend or their stuff
is connected with them in a waythat I care about them a Make
(25:00):
sure their favorite ice cream isin the freezer. And I do these
little things to make sure thatthey're comfortable in my home.
But I don't take, I don't worryabout their future, I don't
worry in the same way that amother would do. So I think that
that, but every person has tofind what works for them. And
one of the one of my clientswho's come into a step role,
(25:24):
which she and I were talkingabout this about how there's a
way people will say things likeyou knew what you were getting
into, you knew what you signedup for, you know, the kids will
always come first. And there'sall these tropes around step,
family hood, that can be verydifficult when you're in the
situation to say, did I knowwhat I was getting into? Will
(25:45):
the children always come first,because just to pick apart that
the children are will alwayscome first thing, it sets it up
where love is a pie, and there'sonly so much love to go around.
And one of the ways my husbandand I have decided to do it is
that are real in ourrelationship, the marriage
(26:07):
prioritizes the children. So wedecided together that the
children are a priority, butthere is no, he loves one of us
more or less than anybody else.
Yep, love is infinite. And hehas an infinite love to give.
And so there is no he loves thechildren more, or he loves me
more. He loves all of us. And heloves all of us in the infinite
way that love exists. But Ithink that that prioritizing of
(26:28):
love has somebody on top is anold folklore from a lot of
people's families to
Tara Beckett (26:37):
absolutely or.
Yeah, and I'm just thinkingabout the trope that you
mentioned about No, the childrenwill come first it almost feels
like it's setting up the thepartner and the Partnership for
failure. Right? Like, sorry,sorry, Sarah, you're never going
(26:58):
to get what you know, the asmuch as you need, you're gonna
go hungry if you marry this man.
Unknown (27:06):
Amen. And I think that that's why 67% of second
marriages end in divorce isbecause we have these faulty
tropes around love being a pielovers out of high love can and
one of the things that canhappen is if you set it up where
the children always be thepriority and you come second, if
you have a need, where does yourneed go that and the children
(27:27):
know this, they can explain thatthey don't do this
intentionally. But they sensethis imbalance. And so they know
that they can, they can separatethe the parent and the step
adults from each other becauseof the that when you make love
hierarchical, it sets everybodyup for feeling uncomfortable for
feeling boundary lists. And whenyou when you I think when you
(27:50):
set it up where the adultscontain the children, whether
it's a step family situation, ora family of origin situation,
the adults contain the children.
It doesn't, you don't dividepeople, you're all there
together for the same reason.
Tara Beckett (28:04):
Yes, and I am guessing there's either in your
own therapy or as you work, Istruggle as a perfectionist to
remember that triangle ofactually, you at the top is the
most important thing. And thenyour partnership, and then your
family, right. And even withkids that I you know had had
(28:30):
through my body, right or if youhave stepchildren in your
family. It feels likeremembering that triangle every
single day because I alwaysflipped the triangle upside down
and put me at the bottom.
Unknown (28:48):
And this will be model for children that right is that
our needs are always coming lastwhen we are comfortable in our
triangle saying that I haveneeds and I'm comfortable owning
those needs, even if they makeothers uncomfortable. We're
modeling autonomy we're modelingneeds. And one of the ways
people talk us out of thosethings is to tell us that we're
(29:09):
being selfish by doing that.
It's selfish for us to have ourown needs and our own wants and
our own desires, their ownhobbies. And I think it's part
of our job to just not buy it.
Don't buy it
Tara Beckett (29:22):
not buy it. No, no, no I'm
Unknown (29:25):
a better person when I can show up fulfilled. My face
(30:00):
therapist, therapist is anauthor. And he wrote a book and
he says that he believes thattherapists like doing therapy
because it's like being intherapy all the time. In their
instance, like, I love that,because I'm like, Yes, that is
why I love being a therapist,because my, my, the people that
I work with Teach me as much asI hold space for them. And so I
(30:22):
don't I think my divorce was agift to me in that way, seeing
the way that it helped me seethat what I was doing wasn't
working, that what I was doingwas or was the hamster on a
wheel that was going somewhere,was only going to wear me out.
And so yes, I feel very thankfulfor my discovery. feel thankful
I found the therapist who isright for me, because that can
(30:43):
be a journey to it's findingyour therapist. Yes.
Tara Beckett (30:47):
And, Sarah, I feel like we're coming full circle.
And that. Just, you know, inmiddle school, we had that rage
closeted anger. And I think weare definitely on this journey
of not being closeted anymore.
And it feels good.
Unknown (31:10):
Right? It feels good to be out in the open and be like,
Yes, I get angry. Yes, I have afull range of emotions of which
I am not going to mute forothers comfort. And not that I'm
not not that you and I are bothconscientious and kind of giving
people but these are things thatit's just we're tired. I'm tired
of pretending that it's okay,because now I know it's not and
(31:32):
I can't pretend anymore.
Tara Beckett (31:33):
Yeah. And it's freeing. Is it it's, you know,
it's Yes. To just circle back tothat sex therapist, it's our
guest.
(31:55):
In I don't want to call itconclusion, because I really
hope we can just keep thisconversation going. It's awesome
to talk to you. And just to hearyour story. What does let
perfect burn bring up for you?
Unknown (32:12):
Know, I really like the work that you're doing. Because
I think that it's such animportant thing for for each of
us. And I think what you justlike we were talking about
modeling before your modelingthat there is no right way to do
this. There's no right way tofigure out how to unwind the
stories of our life, how tofigure out if the stories of our
(32:33):
life are our own stories, orthey were stories that were told
to us that we've integrated in Ilike watching this with you and
being a witness with you, too.
You get to figure that out. AndI saw I think what let perfect
burn means is I needed myperfectionism. It helped me it
protected me from some thingsthat happened to me. But now I
(32:56):
don't want to be I don't want tolive as protected anymore. And
so I think that idea of itburning is that idea of it's
slowly eroding away the ideathat whatever's underneath is
who I want.
Tara Beckett (33:13):
Yeah, one of me is a good way to say it, because
that is what continued therapyand continued work in this
space. asks me to walk up tothis person and give her a look,
right?
Unknown (33:28):
Yes, absolutely. Give her a look. Ask her what she's
doing there. How does she Whatdoes she look like? You know,
one of the one of the activitiesI do with my clients all the
time, see, like, what does shelike? How old? Is she? Where?
Where did she get lost? What isshe hiding behind? I mean, not?
Because I think it's importantto be curious about our selling,
(33:49):
this is my this will. This is myguiding mantra is it I think
it's always important to becurious about ourselves, and
that way of developing a veryconnected inner world. What does
my inner world like? And whatdoes it give me? And what did it
why did I need to protect itfrom somebody?
Tara Beckett (34:07):
Yes. And my therapist one time, not one time
recently, actually. I had thisidea that if I was struggling
with mental health, there wassomething to fix. If I was doing
my perfectionist thing again, Iwasn't being authentic. There's
something to fix. And she said,Tara, like, there's going to be
(34:30):
times you put your lipstick onand present in a way where you
got everything together. Andthere's going to be times where
you call me with no makeupsobbing and you can't stop,
right? But put an arm around allthose women and give her love
and compassion that she has allthese different moments. And
that just because you had thiscrisis that really affected your
(34:52):
life and that you're doing allthis work, doesn't mean that all
those pieces should disappear.
Right? So
Unknown (35:00):
Oh, I love that so much because I really do think that
those were all pieces like I'mpart of my perfectionist as part
of me she protected me she wasthere she's there when I need
all of her my angry part youknow what I don't have to access
her as often she's there if Ineed to protect myself, she's
there to defend and advocate forme. But, and then there's the
(35:22):
sad part of that gets to comeout and play to win. It's really
meaningful. But there is the,the all of those. I love that. I
love this that your therapistgave you this image because it's
all of those pieces are piecesof Austin. None of them need to
be discarded or changed orfixed.
Tara Beckett (35:40):
Yes. Well, Sara, oh, this is so fun. I love the
work you're doing is so real andbrave. And you know, your
patients are so lucky to haveyou in their camp. Just to
really be able to have somebodywho shows up in the way you
clearly show up for them. Thatis huge. Which you and I both
(36:02):
know is when you get thatperson. They really are integral
to your self discovery. So it'sbeen a pleasure and hang
Unknown (36:11):
in there if you haven't found if you haven't found the
right therapist. Keep looking.
Yeah, this it's not you it's youhaven't found the right match?
Tara Beckett (36:20):
Yes, absolutely.
So and you know, Sarah and Iwill say a million times
listeners. Therapy is this thingwhere if you are interested in
that authentic self anddiscovering her like you said
find the right person but theywill take you on a ride that is
so worth it.
Unknown (36:41):
I could not agree more.
Tara Beckett (36:44):
Well Sarah, thank you so much. And let's keep this
conversation going. Please, bye.
Perfect. Perfect
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