May 24, 2022 • 38 mins
In this episode, I talk with Artist, Musician and Educator, Paige Clark Perkinson. Paige was a working actor, when she decided to start her family. She talks about her struggles with anxiety and depression while her son was still in her belly, and how after he was born, she found herself questioning if the decision to create a family meant that parts of her would have to disappear. “Things were fine for a while. And then it came time to get back in the game and start acting again. And then there was this whole piece of guilt about where I spent my time. And I felt there was this resistance of my identity being limited to only a mother from then on. I had to say that I was an actor. I am an artist. How dare you? I got really defensive for a while.”
Paige talks about raising her son, who is one quarter Korean, when both she and her mother weren’t raised in the Korean culture. “It’s been a weird experience to be singled out and excluded for something that I really don’t feel a part of. I don’t get the benefits of being part of a community. But I get the detriments of being excluded, because I look like I’m part of that community.”
What started as Paige’s “day job” working as an arts educator, has now become her primary focus. She is still an artist, she is still an actor, she is still a musician, but they have moved to the background of her life. She loves her students, she loves her job, but she acknowledges the little deaths she has had to go through in her life. “I am mourning expectations, mourning the loss of these hopes. That’s definitely how I would describe even my reaction to wanting a girl but having a boy. I was mourning the expectation. And I will be happy about what I do get. But first I need to mourn the change.”
Highlights from Paige:
"Whether it's at nine in the morning, and they're asleep or it's at eight o'clock at night, when we're in tech rehearsal and tensions are running high, I think about using my powers for good. Theater tips over into the realm of non-academic. It gets really personal and emotional and I thrive on being there for them. I gives me purpose, it gives me meaning."
"So that's how I'm approaching having a quarter racial, Korean son— helping him notice the differences in other kids around him. We live in a diverse neighborhood, I think, and in the summertime, he'll say, 'Oh their skin is brown' and I will tell him that yes, some people's skin is brown, some is peach, some is very dark and that is all okay."
"I wish at 18 I had believed that. I wish I could have stood in my own beauty and my own power at that age. Saying it now, I think I'm definitely trying to more mindfully do that for myself. I am 35. I weigh more now than I did when I was 18. But I can still say, "You're beautiful. You're enough. You look great. "
Don't Miss a Beat.
Follow my Instagram for news from me, Tara Beckett:
https://www.instagram.com/letperfectburn/
Paige Clark Perkinson on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/vpclark/
Original Music for Let Perfect Burn by Eleri Ward
https://www.instagram.com/eleriward/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tara Beckett (00:10):
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett and welcome back to let
perfect burn.
My guest today is Paige ClarkParkinson. Paige is an artist.
(00:32):
She is a performing musician.
She is an educator, she is amother, she is half Korean. All
of these different pieces of hersometimes make sense, and other
times makes her feel like inorder to continue on parts of
her must disappear. What oncewas Paige's day job of working
as an arts educator, has nowbecome her primary focus. She
(00:54):
loves her students, she lovesher job, but she acknowledges
all of the little deaths thatled her to that point. Paige
talks about mourningexpectations, mourning the loss
of hopes when life looksdifferent than what was once
imagined. Page reminds us thatsometimes we need to mourn the
(01:15):
change. So page welcome. Andtell us a little bit about why
giving me a bio is a challenge.
Paige Clark Perkinson (01:32):
Yeah, thanks, Tara. Hi. Hi, everybody.
I'm Paige. So when Tara invitedme on this podcast, I thought to
myself, oh, we'll Why do youwant me on this podcast? Do you
want me on because I am ateacher? Do you want me on?
Because I'm an actor? Do youwant me on because I am an
(01:54):
artist do you want me on becauseI'm a mother. So I'm all of
those things. And I wear allthose hats. And it's, I have all
of those identities. And it'skind of complicated for me when
someone is actually asking mequestions and interviewing me
kind of about myself in aholistic way. I show up to all
sorts of different spaces, youknow, wearing a certain hat, you
(02:18):
know, oh, this is page clerk,the the actor, this is the
musician, this is the you know,PTA No mom. But there's just so
many different aspects of myidentity, that get all tangled
up and overlap each other. It'sdefinitely not perfect. But it
(02:39):
all weaves together to be me andmy experience. And thanks for
asking about it.
Tara Beckett (02:46):
Yes, of course.
And I would love a little bitmore information and insight as
to how you got to this point, soBFA in acting, and you graduate,
and then walk us through life upuntil this point.
Paige Clark Perkinson (03:04):
Yeah, totally. So I went to Boston
University for acting, andtheater, it was a great
experience for me, everybody hasa different experience,
especially going through actingschool. So I got out of school
and did the whole actor thing, Iguess you could kind of imagine,
you know, people who aren'tactors can imagine, you know,
(03:24):
lots of different odd jobs and,you know, jobs that you can kind
of pick up on shifts on so thatyou can go off to an audition
and do shows and stuff. And Iwas, you know, working pretty
steadily and consistently intheater, while simultaneously
sort of honing my day jobs to bemore in the educational field.
(03:46):
Something that I'm really proudof is that I work in education
now. And that's something that Iknew about myself, at a really
early age. I had a reallyintensive Theatre Department
experience in high school, forbetter or for worse. And I
(04:06):
always knew that I wanted togive back to the educational
theatre world. So I've alwayssort of wanted to do that. And
I'm a very organized person. SoI thought, oh, okay, so I sort
of built a lot of, you know, Iwas like, Okay, what's the entry
level job for that? What's thenext step for that? So, while
(04:26):
I'm working at sort of fringetheatre companies in Boston, and
moving up the sort of ladderthere simultaneously, I'm
working at summer camps fortheater for little kids and I'm
doing after school programs. Andthen I finally got my foot in
the door actually being a longterm substitute for another
(04:48):
actor friend of mine. Oh,teaching Yeah, she was a theater
teacher at a school in Boston.
And she was like, I gotta go bein this show. Will you come be
my substitute teacher? And I waslike, Sure. So I was the long
term substitute teacher there,which led to a permanent job at
that school, which led to thepermanent job I have now at a
high school, being the one ofthe theater teachers, and I
(05:12):
teach public speaking, costumedesign, and I also direct some
of the shows there, we have areally great program, I'm really
proud of it. Newton South gosouth beach. So shameless plug
there. So that was all sort ofsimultaneous with this theater
career. They've always beenaspirations and goals of mine
(05:36):
for my career, kind of equallyweighted. And the theatre career
piece was really coming along ina way that I was happy with. I
think I can guess that maybe alot of actors aren't, like,
aren't ever satisfied. But I hadjust landed my first regional
(05:57):
theater gig, I was reallyexcited. It was kind of a big
deal. It was a world premiere,it was really exciting. And then
COVID hit and so we were aboutto go into tech, the day of the
March 13. So March 13, was theday we were supposed to move
(06:19):
into the theater. So, so thatjust all stopped. So when you
asked me about, like, what is itthat you do? And you know, how
do you identify as like aprofession of professional
right? Theatre has really had totake a backseat for me, for the
last two years, I haven't beenin, been able to be a working
actor. Like, for longer thanwhen I was pregnant and had my
(06:42):
child, I didn't have to take offthat long, you know, when I was
having a child. So, but teachinghas been a constant and remained
and really fed me, and really,given my life, meaning and
purpose, throughout this reallycrazy time. So that kind of
(07:03):
brings us into present day.
Tara Beckett (07:09):
Yes. And Paige, my heart kind of started beating
quickly, because I had a verysimilar experience is that I was
about to step back into aprofessional identity. And, and
I, you know, I had a four monthold at home, and I had my first
(07:30):
gig for my professionalphotography business. And that
was the last gig. And so there'sthis way in which we can feel
like we get to the top of themountain. And it's just kidding,
right? It
Paige Clark Perkinson (07:43):
was really, it's really scary. And
especially with all this timesitting at home, and especially
in 2020, you know, it was justlike this feeling of losing all
my momentum, you know, and beingafraid that it would never come
back. You know, so and I stilldon't know what it's going to
be. But I think I'm in a betterplace. Now as far as like, Well,
(08:06):
if the momentum doesn't comeback, like we're, we've got
other stuff to do. We've gotother ways to make meaning in
life and other really importantother really important things.
Tara Beckett (08:31):
What about your students? Like, what do you, I
guess, find meaning and find joyin teaching? Yeah, for
Paige Clark Perkinson (08:40):
sure. I mean, teaching theatre and
public speaking, anythingcreative, I think, but
particularly my field is just sosuch gift, because it really
allows them to open up a lotmore to to me particularly than
they might to some other teacherthat they spend time with. I
(09:01):
also am a part of the the afterschool theater program, which is
you know, for, for and includesreally self selected kids who
like really want to do it andwant to be I want to be there.
And so they want to be it feelslike they want to be with me,
and I want to be with them. Andso it's really nice to be a I
feel very honored to be atrusted adult for them. And I
(09:27):
don't take that lightly. BecauseI think I might have written it
to you when we were sort oftalking about what we're
planning. What we're gonna talkabout is I had my high school
drama teacher was a trustedadult who did not use their
position of power in a veryresponsible way. There was a lot
(09:47):
of emotional abuse and not justnot productive, not healthy
relationships going on there.
Aside from all of the reallygreat opportunities in stuff
that we had, as far as you know,learning about theater and doing
what we did. But from that ageon, I really thought, wow, this
person has a lot of power overme and over us, my friends. When
(10:11):
I grow up, I want to use mypowers for good. Mm hmm. Kind of
like a superhero or something.
So like, that's kind of how Ifeel when I go in to, you know,
see the kids, whether it's, youknow, at nine in the morning,
you know, and they're like,asleep or it's, you know, at
eight o'clock at night, whenwe're in tech rehearsal and
(10:32):
tensions are running high, youknow, I think about you know,
use your powers for good page,use your powers for good and you
know, theater for sure. Tipsover into the realm of not
academic, it gets it can getreally personal and emotional,
and, and I really thrive onbeing being there for them. I
(10:54):
like that gives me purpose givesme meaning.
Tara Beckett (11:08):
So I know you mentioned your child, right,
that you, you know, came back toacting quicker than COVID.
Right? Or that you were able toso talk to me about, you know,
flipping into Paige's personallife. So you know, having having
this child and what that did toyour life.
Paige Clark Perkinson (11:32):
I'm just thinking about him like Baby,
baby. So my son is going to besix at the end of March. So he's
big, he is not baby anymore, buthe was baby. So anyway. Well, I
have often started talking aboutyou know, my pregnancy and
having a kid when, with saying,the people always tell you about
(11:53):
post, like warn you aboutpostpartum depression, but they
don't warn you about whateverit's called before that, like
pre Farda gestationaldepression. I don't, I don't
know what you would call it. Idon't even know what you call
it. But I got super depressedwhen I was later on in my
pregnancy, not because of thepregnancy itself, but just
(12:17):
because how it was affecting andgoing to affect my life, and
particularly my acting career. Iwas talking about that sort of
momentum with acting and stufflike that. And before I started
showing, I was starting to get alittle momentum again, too. And
I was gonna say no, and like,not take some jobs, because I
(12:37):
knew that they were going tolike, they were going to open on
my due date. I was like, Oh,
Tara Beckett (12:42):
you didn't want to try that?
Paige Clark Perkinson (12:46):
I'm a risk taker. Right, right, I did
take a risk. I was I directed aplay that was that started
rehearsals of two weeks beforethe due date and the fine week,
but he came, he came a weekearly. I was in rows over like
five days. And I was like, Oops,it's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
(13:09):
But anyway, so. So I was feelingthat sort of like that, that
feeling of being held back whenhe was still in my belly, you
know, and well, what does thatmean? Does that mean I'm, I'm a
bad mother, because I resent mychild. And he's not even here
yet. That bad. So, um, so thatwas like, really a place to
(13:34):
start, like a rough place tostart, I think.
Tara Beckett (13:39):
And then it sort of transit was that unexpected?
I think it was less of like, Iknew it was going
Paige Clark Perkinson (13:50):
to change my life. And I knew I was gonna
make things different. I didn'tknow I was gonna feel that bad
about it. You know? Yeah. Likeit was, Oh, of course, you're
gonna have a baby, everything'sgonna change. You're gonna have
to find different ways to workgigs, and you're gonna have to
(14:10):
different find different ways todo everything. But I didn't
expect it to just make me feelbummed me out so much, you know,
and I mean, hormones is probablyhave something to say about
that. But But yeah, so that wasreally surprising and upsetting.
So we sought help, we got Yeah,we got into we got into therapy,
(14:30):
a plus on therapy, highlyrecommend would recommend. And,
and then it became, like, youknow, I worked through some of
those feelings and stuff andafter, you know, the baby came
out. Things were fine for awhile, and and then it came time
(14:53):
to like, get back in the gameand like start start acting
again and stuff. And then therewas that whole piece of, of
guilt It's about where I where Ispent my time. And also, this
resistance, I was gonna say thisearlier, this resistance of my
(15:13):
identity being limited to only amother from now on. I really
resisted that for a long time. Iwas like, I'm an actor. I'm an
artist. How dare you a littlebit. I got really defensive for
a while too. Because we werelike, Oh, well, you're a mom.
Now you can't do those types ofthings. I heard that a lot.
(15:36):
Really? Yeah. And sometimes itwas like very lovingly, it's
like, oh, well, you're a mum.
Now, I don't expect you to,like, come out for this or to go
out, stay out late with me. Oryou know, sometimes it was very
nice and caring from a caringplace. And then sometimes it was
like, Oh, well, you're a mum,now you can expect to be XYZ.
And I really resisted that. Ireally didn't like that. I got
(16:00):
really defensive about that. So.
So that was like, That was earlydays in. Yep. Motherhood.
Tara Beckett (16:08):
And the early days are a hot mess, regardless.
Paige Clark Perkinson (16:11):
Right?
And then I feel bad, becauselike I said, like struggle
things. But like, also, like,mixed in with were like,
gorgeous, beautiful, like, youknow, had a really easy time
breastfeeding and like snugglesand like, he was a really
healthy kid. Like, everythingwas great. Like, he's a good
boy. Yeah,
Tara Beckett (16:38):
but what I'm hearing though, is there's
something about being okay withboth right? Like, feeling what
you felt doesn't negate howlovely those other moments are.
Paige Clark Perkinson (16:53):
Ah, that's so nice. Like, I feel
like my shoulders just likedrop. Yeah, my jaw clenched
here, you say that? Like but butlike, there were definitely
there was definitely like ninemonths there were like,
something in my brain justwouldn't click into believing
that that was true.
Tara Beckett (17:26):
I really can empathize with what you were
saying as well about reallypushing away that mother label.
Because there's, I think that inthere. To me, it felt like there
was some grief if that was theonly thing that defined me. And
yet, I was grateful to become amother. So how do you make both
(17:49):
of those things have space forboth of those things?
Paige Clark Perkinson (17:53):
Yeah, for sure. And I just I just didn't
want it to be a limiting thing.
A similar sort of mourningprocess happen is kind of
ongoing. When I'm when I say I'ma teacher a little bit, because
teacher was just supposed to bemy day job, quote, unquote. And
now it's huge. And it's integralto who I am and what I do and
(18:15):
what I love, and where I spendmost of my time, so why wouldn't
I be happy about that? But notbeing able to say I'm an actor,
or I'm an artist? First, all thetime. Only? There's a little bit
of mourning for that, about thatfor me?
Tara Beckett (18:38):
Yes, yes. And that morning, morning can be there. I
always try to remind myself andI'm really bad at it. But I want
to get it tattooed somewhere onmy forehead so I can see it in
the mirror. But I keep trying tohave some compassion for those
times where I feel like I shouldbe more grateful. And why am I
(19:01):
feeling this way? I should bemore grateful. And it's like,
you know what, you can havegratitude and really be grateful
and also miss what you've shed.
Right? And I just really have topractice that that without
judging the person who'smourning or grieving or angry.
Paige Clark Perkinson (19:23):
Yeah.
Good for you for being able todo that. Tara. Let me let me
know when you
Tara Beckett (19:31):
tell me how to Oh, no, no, let's be clear. I
practice I am good at it about3% of the time but
Paige Clark Perkinson (19:40):
okay, okay. Wow, that would be nice.
That sounds nice.
Tara Beckett (19:56):
I would love you to talk about as well. And you
know, your story that you sharedwith me briefly about finding
out You're having a boy. Oh,
Paige Clark Perkinson (20:07):
yeah. It feels so silly. Now. It feels so
silly now.
Tara Beckett (20:13):
I'm gonna leave because ashen. Okay.
Paige Clark Perkinson (20:17):
Well also because, okay, I'll just tell,
I'll just tell you, yeah, tellyour listeners. So when my
husband and I decided to starttrying to have a child, I
thought in my head, oh, I want alittle girl, I want a little
girl. Because I'm a girl. And Ifigured what have something in
common. And also, I'm a girl whohas a very strong relationship
(20:41):
with my mother. Even to thisday, I consider her one of my
closest friends. I think mymom's pretty cool. I wanted
that. I wanted to do that. Sowhen we went to the ultrasound
after however many months orwhatever, weeks, and they told
me it was a boy, who was reallyupset, I was really sad. I was
(21:05):
like, really holding it in. ButI was really sad. And I had a
good cry in the car with myhusband. And he was so he was so
gracious towards me, he had somuch grace for me. And I was
like, Well, now, now, I'm notgonna have that relationship
(21:25):
with me, he's not going to havethat relationship with me that I
have with my mom. And so that'skind of like, what the initial
thing was. We definitely Idefinitely didn't want to do the
thing where like, Oh, I'll besurprised on the, on the
delivery day, right? Because Iknew that I had these hopes that
I need to work through. Right.
So I was like, okay, and I'veworked through them. And, you
(21:48):
know, we definitely, Idefinitely came to understand
that like, well, one, like, sexand gender don't matter. As much
as I thought they did. You know,this was, what, six years ago,
so even then, I've since then,I've learned so much my students
(22:09):
have helped me learn so muchabout, you know, gender and
gender expression and like,relationships and all of that.
So that was actually a realrelief, like learning more about
that. I'm really enlightening.
And also a mom can have a close,wonderful relationship with
(22:34):
their child, no matter no matterwhat, no matter what gender they
are, no matter what sex theyare, no matter what their
abilities our disabilities are.
So you know, and it's somethingthat, that I have to invest in
the Oso. Working towards thatwas was important. And I say
it's so silly. I said, I said atthe beginning when I was telling
(22:57):
you the story, I was like, Oh,that's a silly to me now,
because he's obsessed with me.
He's obsessed with me. He heknows he has a penis. He knows
that girls have vaginas. And hedoesn't care. He's like, I'm
obsessed with mommy. I wantmommy all the time. Daddy who?
So? So what, uh, what whatFoley? Was was me.
Tara Beckett (23:26):
Yeah, I mean, I can really I have two boys. So
yeah. I thought about
Paige Clark Perkinson (23:33):
having trying to have another one so
that I could have a girl butthen I'd be like, No, then I'll
have to.
Tara Beckett (23:38):
And you know, it has definitely I can understand
that feeling right? Because Ijust had it in my mind. I was
gonna have girls I just I don'tknow why I was so positive. But
the same thing like the 20 weekultrasound, they're like you're
having a boy. And I was reallyexcited because I you know,
(24:00):
experienced miscarriage beforethat. But it took my head some
time to wrap around. Like, okay,like, I'm an already weird,
funky mom. I don't really wantto make the nursery out of
trucks. Like how do I make thisas sparkly as possible? With my
(24:20):
husband always also being okaywith it. Right. So yeah, I also
was just like, Wait a second. Idon't have to be someone
different. Because I'm having aboy. Right? I can, like bring
myself to him. But it took alittle mental gymnastics to
figure out how to do that.
Paige Clark Perkinson (24:38):
Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I mean,
again, I mean, our conversationis like coming back to this,
this idea of of mourning,mourning these expectations or
mourning, mourning the loss ofthese hopes and stuff. And just
sort of working through thatworking through those feelings.
So that would that's deaf. Thatdefinitely is how I would
describe my reaction to I'mchanging my expectations of
(25:02):
like, wanting a girl but havinga boy. It's like, oh, I'm
mourning that expectation like,I, that's not what I'm gonna
get. And I will be happy aboutwhat I do get. But first I need
to mourn this change, right?
Tara Beckett (25:17):
Well, and Paige, I don't know, if you had something
similar, but I know that Ireally wanted to teach a girl
how to be a woman, that wassomething I was really looking
forward to of just being like,you know, as you as your body
develops, and as you'relearning, you know, your own
sexuality, and I wanted to bethere. And I think there's
(25:40):
something about a boy were deadif there's a dad in the picture.
And, you know, it was my ideathat I couldn't teach my son
that. But I can write, like, Ithink it's
Paige Clark Perkinson (25:51):
like, even more beneficial, or, like,
even more empowering to have astrong female role model in a
young man's life. You know,that's what I was you and I,
like, our brains like shifted tothe same idea the same time
because I was like, I now I'm,like, super excited to be the
(26:11):
strong woman in my son's life,to teach him how to, you know,
ask for consent and how to givehim a sense and how to, how to
stand up for you know, nonconforming people and how to,
you know, how to treat women,you know, what, you know, stuff
(26:36):
like that? Because because he'sobsessed with me, what's what's
except what's acceptable to me,is so important to him.
Tara Beckett (26:57):
You are an Asian American? And can you speak a
little bit to that identity,both for yourself and how you
pass that down to your son?
Paige Clark Perkinson (27:07):
Um, yeah, that's a good one, you know,
what's funny, is when you saidthat, I thought I thought you
were gonna say, as a as anactor, and as a as a theatre
artist. And it ain't easy. Letme tell you, um, because only
only recently has it been, like,cool to have an ethnic heritage,
(27:30):
really. And there's been I've,you know, for better or for
worse, I've gotten some work, alot of work be, you know, being
tokenized. You know, myself andstuff, and also like being
excluded because I am too ethnicor not ethnic enough or right
ethnicity. And like, who gets totell this story? Like, stuff
(27:55):
like that? There's a lot of who,and I don't I think we might
need to have another podcast.
Yes. That question. Yeah. So tojust generally touch on that.
That's a long, long slog. Thatalso like makes me feel really
self conscious and insecure, ontop of the fact that, am I just
a mom, am I just a teacher? Am Iallowed to still be an actor? On
(28:17):
top of that, I'm also an AsianAmerican. So am I allowed to be
here? Like there's this constantsort of questioning myself that
I have to really work hard tosilence? Just to get out of bed
to go to the audition? So, yes.
(28:37):
So there's that. But I'm in amore on a more personal level.
Um, just to share a little bitmore more about my heritage. My
mom was adopted from Korea. SoI'm half Korean, my mother is
Korean. And she was adopted whenshe was really small. So she is
not really culturally Korean atall. And she was definitely
(29:00):
raised in a time and place likemostly in Virginia, where it was
not cool to explore her culturalheritage. So we weren't really
raised in our I have a sister,Billy. We weren't culturally
raised Korean either. So it'sdefinitely been a weird
experience to be sort of singledout and excluded for for
(29:26):
something that I really don'tfeel a part of. I don't get the
benefits of you know, being apart of a community. But I get
the detriments of beingexcluded, because I look like
I'm a part of that community, ifthat makes sense. Yes.
straddling a line. Yeah. And Ican imagine that lots of
biracial people may experiencethat. That feeling. But
(29:50):
recently, I've been you know,when I reached adulthood, and
had sort of more autonomy aboutlike, how I spend my time and
like what I did and stuff, Istarted exploring just a little
A bit more about my heritage,just just a little, you know,
toe toe dipping type of stuff.
And that's kind of that'sactually kind of how I'm raising
my son is just to to know, andbe aware of his differences,
(30:13):
like what makes him different,and what makes him the same from
other people. And, thankfully,when we see more representation
in TV or cartoons and stuff, I'mlike, Look, he's Asian, you're
Asian. And my husband's heritageis Scottish. He's not from
(30:34):
Scotland, but his heritage isScottish. And he's very proud of
it. And so, you know, we watchbrave, and I'm like, they're
Scottish. You're Scottish. He'slike, Huh. So, you know, giving
him all the information is, iswhat I'm trying to do at this
point, or as much as his littlesix year old brain can can
(30:56):
handle at this point, you know,and giving him all the tools so
that he can sort of make his owndecisions. Telling him things
like, you know, he's actuallyobserved, you know, like, why is
that boy wearing a skirt skirtsare for girls. I'm like, No, but
anybody can wear a skirt. Askirt is just a skirt. And he
(31:17):
goes, Huh, so then he can chooseif he wants to wear a skirt or
not. And he's like, why is thatboy kissing a boy. And I'm like,
sometimes boys kiss boys,sometimes boys kiss girls,
sometimes girls kissing girls,you kiss who you like, and he's
like, oh, so that he can choosewho he likes. Hopefully, without
without too much outsidepressure. Um, so if someone you
(31:39):
know, makes fun of him forhaving hooded eyelids like they
did me, he won't go. Why are yousaying that to me? I'm the same
as you. I don't understand or,you know, it's going to hurt
still, but then he'll be like,Yeah, I'm Korean. I'm different
from you. What? Yes, yes.
(32:03):
Hopefully, you know.
So, so that's kind of how I'mapproaching, you know, having,
you know, being biracial andhaving a quarter racial, Korean
son, and also, like, helping himnotice the differences in other
kids around him. You know, welive in a nicely diverse
(32:24):
neighborhood, I think and, youknow, in the summertime, he's
like, Oh, their skin is brown.
And I'm like, yeah, somepeople's skin is brown, some is
is peach and some says, youknow, like, very dark, and
that's all okay, you know, sojust trying to give him as much
information and helping himnotice, notice the differences
and being okay with thedifferences.
Tara Beckett (32:54):
Going back, you were saying that when you
decided that you would usepowers for good back when you
had, you know, a young person'sexperience with theater. I'm
just wondering if you could lookback and speak to that 18 year
old self and what you might tellher?
Paige Clark Perkinson (33:13):
Yeah, there's, I was my, my parents
actually are, like, got rid ofall my old stuff. So they sent
me all my old stuff to reallyget out of our house. And they
were like, and they sent me likemy old like, photo albums and
stuff. And I was like, lookingthrough them. And I was like,
Oh, I looked so good. Like, andthis is very, it's gonna start
(33:35):
very superficial, but then it'sgonna get nice. It's gonna get a
little deeper than I promise,but like, you, you I would say
to 18 year old page, you areperfect. Just the way you are.
And that sounds so trite. Butit's so true. And I needed
someone to say that. I mean, Ineeded someone to say that who I
(33:58):
would believe, right? Whichsucks about being 18, right?
Because I'm like, God bless myparents, especially my dad. My
dad was always like, here's howbeautiful you can do anything.
You got this and I'll just like,Shut up dad. So shame on me,
but, but you know what I mean?
Like, if I could have just like,made myself believe one thing
when I was 18 is like you areenough. You are perfect. The way
(34:22):
you are. The sort of dark likethe erotic version of it is
like, it didn't get any betterthan this. Like, that's not very
nice, but like, like, but youknow what I mean? Like, like, at
18. I was like, oh, like, youknow, at 18 in the early 2000s.
(34:47):
We were all wearing those superlow, like waisted jeans and I
was like, Oh, my tummies likesticking out and stuff. I was
like, Girl, it was not though. Iwas looking at those pictures.
It's like no, it's You're great,you look great, you're tight,
you keeping it tight. I waslike, what an idiot. Like that
was like you were a fool. Like,why would you anyway, so I
(35:08):
digress. All that is to say, Iwish, I wish I had believed
that, like, I wish I could havestood in my own beauty and my
own power at that age, and youknow, saying it now, I think I'm
definitely trying to moremindfully do that for myself
(35:30):
now. 35, right. So you can youknow, like, I weigh more now
than I did when I was 18. But Ican still say like, You're
beautiful. You're enough likeyou. You look great. You know?
The trick is, I guess believingit, you know? Yes. Yes, that's
(35:50):
what I would tell myself if Icould talk to 218 year old me
Tara Beckett (36:07):
Paige, it's been lovely to have you on. Before we
go, I would love for you toshare what let perfect burn.
Brings up when you
Paige Clark Perkinson (36:20):
let perfect burn means burn it down.
Just burn it all to the ground.
There's so much going wrong inthe world right now. There's so
much trauma and struggle andhardship for everyone. Don't add
more to yourself by hold holdingyourself to this standard of
(36:44):
quote unquote perfect. So take amatch and light that word
perfect on fire and let theashes blow away in the wind. And
just let yourself breathe alittle a little easier.
Tara Beckett (37:04):
I love it. Paid.
It's been such a pleasure tohave you on I had a good few
belly laughs which we'redefinitely on a Monday. Right.
Take care and I would love to dothat part two sometime so we can
really dig in and go that inthat other direction. But I
(37:24):
appreciate you sharing yourselfand your story and thank you.
Paige Clark Perkinson (37:31):
Thank you for having me. That's cool.
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett and welcome back to let
perfect burn.
My guest today is Paige ClarkParkinson. Paige is an artist.
(00:32):
She is a performing musician.
She is an educator, she is amother, she is half Korean. All
of these different pieces of hersometimes make sense, and other
times makes her feel like inorder to continue on parts of
her must disappear. What oncewas Paige's day job of working
as an arts educator, has nowbecome her primary focus. She
(00:54):
loves her students, she lovesher job, but she acknowledges
all of the little deaths thatled her to that point. Paige
talks about mourningexpectations, mourning the loss
of hopes when life looksdifferent than what was once
imagined. Page reminds us thatsometimes we need to mourn the
(01:15):
change. So page welcome. Andtell us a little bit about why
giving me a bio is a challenge.
Paige Clark Perkinson (01:32):
Yeah, thanks, Tara. Hi. Hi, everybody.
I'm Paige. So when Tara invitedme on this podcast, I thought to
myself, oh, we'll Why do youwant me on this podcast? Do you
want me on because I am ateacher? Do you want me on?
Because I'm an actor? Do youwant me on because I am an
(01:54):
artist do you want me on becauseI'm a mother. So I'm all of
those things. And I wear allthose hats. And it's, I have all
of those identities. And it'skind of complicated for me when
someone is actually asking mequestions and interviewing me
kind of about myself in aholistic way. I show up to all
sorts of different spaces, youknow, wearing a certain hat, you
(02:18):
know, oh, this is page clerk,the the actor, this is the
musician, this is the you know,PTA No mom. But there's just so
many different aspects of myidentity, that get all tangled
up and overlap each other. It'sdefinitely not perfect. But it
(02:39):
all weaves together to be me andmy experience. And thanks for
asking about it.
Tara Beckett (02:46):
Yes, of course.
And I would love a little bitmore information and insight as
to how you got to this point, soBFA in acting, and you graduate,
and then walk us through life upuntil this point.
Paige Clark Perkinson (03:04):
Yeah, totally. So I went to Boston
University for acting, andtheater, it was a great
experience for me, everybody hasa different experience,
especially going through actingschool. So I got out of school
and did the whole actor thing, Iguess you could kind of imagine,
you know, people who aren'tactors can imagine, you know,
(03:24):
lots of different odd jobs and,you know, jobs that you can kind
of pick up on shifts on so thatyou can go off to an audition
and do shows and stuff. And Iwas, you know, working pretty
steadily and consistently intheater, while simultaneously
sort of honing my day jobs to bemore in the educational field.
(03:46):
Something that I'm really proudof is that I work in education
now. And that's something that Iknew about myself, at a really
early age. I had a reallyintensive Theatre Department
experience in high school, forbetter or for worse. And I
(04:06):
always knew that I wanted togive back to the educational
theatre world. So I've alwayssort of wanted to do that. And
I'm a very organized person. SoI thought, oh, okay, so I sort
of built a lot of, you know, Iwas like, Okay, what's the entry
level job for that? What's thenext step for that? So, while
(04:26):
I'm working at sort of fringetheatre companies in Boston, and
moving up the sort of ladderthere simultaneously, I'm
working at summer camps fortheater for little kids and I'm
doing after school programs. Andthen I finally got my foot in
the door actually being a longterm substitute for another
(04:48):
actor friend of mine. Oh,teaching Yeah, she was a theater
teacher at a school in Boston.
And she was like, I gotta go bein this show. Will you come be
my substitute teacher? And I waslike, Sure. So I was the long
term substitute teacher there,which led to a permanent job at
that school, which led to thepermanent job I have now at a
high school, being the one ofthe theater teachers, and I
(05:12):
teach public speaking, costumedesign, and I also direct some
of the shows there, we have areally great program, I'm really
proud of it. Newton South gosouth beach. So shameless plug
there. So that was all sort ofsimultaneous with this theater
career. They've always beenaspirations and goals of mine
(05:36):
for my career, kind of equallyweighted. And the theatre career
piece was really coming along ina way that I was happy with. I
think I can guess that maybe alot of actors aren't, like,
aren't ever satisfied. But I hadjust landed my first regional
(05:57):
theater gig, I was reallyexcited. It was kind of a big
deal. It was a world premiere,it was really exciting. And then
COVID hit and so we were aboutto go into tech, the day of the
March 13. So March 13, was theday we were supposed to move
(06:19):
into the theater. So, so thatjust all stopped. So when you
asked me about, like, what is itthat you do? And you know, how
do you identify as like aprofession of professional
right? Theatre has really had totake a backseat for me, for the
last two years, I haven't beenin, been able to be a working
actor. Like, for longer thanwhen I was pregnant and had my
(06:42):
child, I didn't have to take offthat long, you know, when I was
having a child. So, but teachinghas been a constant and remained
and really fed me, and really,given my life, meaning and
purpose, throughout this reallycrazy time. So that kind of
(07:03):
brings us into present day.
Tara Beckett (07:09):
Yes. And Paige, my heart kind of started beating
quickly, because I had a verysimilar experience is that I was
about to step back into aprofessional identity. And, and
I, you know, I had a four monthold at home, and I had my first
(07:30):
gig for my professionalphotography business. And that
was the last gig. And so there'sthis way in which we can feel
like we get to the top of themountain. And it's just kidding,
right? It
Paige Clark Perkinson (07:43):
was really, it's really scary. And
especially with all this timesitting at home, and especially
in 2020, you know, it was justlike this feeling of losing all
my momentum, you know, and beingafraid that it would never come
back. You know, so and I stilldon't know what it's going to
be. But I think I'm in a betterplace. Now as far as like, Well,
(08:06):
if the momentum doesn't comeback, like we're, we've got
other stuff to do. We've gotother ways to make meaning in
life and other really importantother really important things.
Tara Beckett (08:31):
What about your students? Like, what do you, I
guess, find meaning and find joyin teaching? Yeah, for
Paige Clark Perkinson (08:40):
sure. I mean, teaching theatre and
public speaking, anythingcreative, I think, but
particularly my field is just sosuch gift, because it really
allows them to open up a lotmore to to me particularly than
they might to some other teacherthat they spend time with. I
(09:01):
also am a part of the the afterschool theater program, which is
you know, for, for and includesreally self selected kids who
like really want to do it andwant to be I want to be there.
And so they want to be it feelslike they want to be with me,
and I want to be with them. Andso it's really nice to be a I
feel very honored to be atrusted adult for them. And I
(09:27):
don't take that lightly. BecauseI think I might have written it
to you when we were sort oftalking about what we're
planning. What we're gonna talkabout is I had my high school
drama teacher was a trustedadult who did not use their
position of power in a veryresponsible way. There was a lot
(09:47):
of emotional abuse and not justnot productive, not healthy
relationships going on there.
Aside from all of the reallygreat opportunities in stuff
that we had, as far as you know,learning about theater and doing
what we did. But from that ageon, I really thought, wow, this
person has a lot of power overme and over us, my friends. When
(10:11):
I grow up, I want to use mypowers for good. Mm hmm. Kind of
like a superhero or something.
So like, that's kind of how Ifeel when I go in to, you know,
see the kids, whether it's, youknow, at nine in the morning,
you know, and they're like,asleep or it's, you know, at
eight o'clock at night, whenwe're in tech rehearsal and
(10:32):
tensions are running high, youknow, I think about you know,
use your powers for good page,use your powers for good and you
know, theater for sure. Tipsover into the realm of not
academic, it gets it can getreally personal and emotional,
and, and I really thrive onbeing being there for them. I
(10:54):
like that gives me purpose givesme meaning.
Tara Beckett (11:08):
So I know you mentioned your child, right,
that you, you know, came back toacting quicker than COVID.
Right? Or that you were able toso talk to me about, you know,
flipping into Paige's personallife. So you know, having having
this child and what that did toyour life.
Paige Clark Perkinson (11:32):
I'm just thinking about him like Baby,
baby. So my son is going to besix at the end of March. So he's
big, he is not baby anymore, buthe was baby. So anyway. Well, I
have often started talking aboutyou know, my pregnancy and
having a kid when, with saying,the people always tell you about
(11:53):
post, like warn you aboutpostpartum depression, but they
don't warn you about whateverit's called before that, like
pre Farda gestationaldepression. I don't, I don't
know what you would call it. Idon't even know what you call
it. But I got super depressedwhen I was later on in my
pregnancy, not because of thepregnancy itself, but just
(12:17):
because how it was affecting andgoing to affect my life, and
particularly my acting career. Iwas talking about that sort of
momentum with acting and stufflike that. And before I started
showing, I was starting to get alittle momentum again, too. And
I was gonna say no, and like,not take some jobs, because I
(12:37):
knew that they were going tolike, they were going to open on
my due date. I was like, Oh,
Tara Beckett (12:42):
you didn't want to try that?
Paige Clark Perkinson (12:46):
I'm a risk taker. Right, right, I did
take a risk. I was I directed aplay that was that started
rehearsals of two weeks beforethe due date and the fine week,
but he came, he came a weekearly. I was in rows over like
five days. And I was like, Oops,it's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
(13:09):
But anyway, so. So I was feelingthat sort of like that, that
feeling of being held back whenhe was still in my belly, you
know, and well, what does thatmean? Does that mean I'm, I'm a
bad mother, because I resent mychild. And he's not even here
yet. That bad. So, um, so thatwas like, really a place to
(13:34):
start, like a rough place tostart, I think.
Tara Beckett (13:39):
And then it sort of transit was that unexpected?
I think it was less of like, Iknew it was going
Paige Clark Perkinson (13:50):
to change my life. And I knew I was gonna
make things different. I didn'tknow I was gonna feel that bad
about it. You know? Yeah. Likeit was, Oh, of course, you're
gonna have a baby, everything'sgonna change. You're gonna have
to find different ways to workgigs, and you're gonna have to
(14:10):
different find different ways todo everything. But I didn't
expect it to just make me feelbummed me out so much, you know,
and I mean, hormones is probablyhave something to say about
that. But But yeah, so that wasreally surprising and upsetting.
So we sought help, we got Yeah,we got into we got into therapy,
(14:30):
a plus on therapy, highlyrecommend would recommend. And,
and then it became, like, youknow, I worked through some of
those feelings and stuff andafter, you know, the baby came
out. Things were fine for awhile, and and then it came time
(14:53):
to like, get back in the gameand like start start acting
again and stuff. And then therewas that whole piece of, of
guilt It's about where I where Ispent my time. And also, this
resistance, I was gonna say thisearlier, this resistance of my
(15:13):
identity being limited to only amother from now on. I really
resisted that for a long time. Iwas like, I'm an actor. I'm an
artist. How dare you a littlebit. I got really defensive for
a while too. Because we werelike, Oh, well, you're a mom.
Now you can't do those types ofthings. I heard that a lot.
(15:36):
Really? Yeah. And sometimes itwas like very lovingly, it's
like, oh, well, you're a mum.
Now, I don't expect you to,like, come out for this or to go
out, stay out late with me. Oryou know, sometimes it was very
nice and caring from a caringplace. And then sometimes it was
like, Oh, well, you're a mum,now you can expect to be XYZ.
And I really resisted that. Ireally didn't like that. I got
(16:00):
really defensive about that. So.
So that was like, That was earlydays in. Yep. Motherhood.
Tara Beckett (16:08):
And the early days are a hot mess, regardless.
Paige Clark Perkinson (16:11):
Right?
And then I feel bad, becauselike I said, like struggle
things. But like, also, like,mixed in with were like,
gorgeous, beautiful, like, youknow, had a really easy time
breastfeeding and like snugglesand like, he was a really
healthy kid. Like, everythingwas great. Like, he's a good
boy. Yeah,
Tara Beckett (16:38):
but what I'm hearing though, is there's
something about being okay withboth right? Like, feeling what
you felt doesn't negate howlovely those other moments are.
Paige Clark Perkinson (16:53):
Ah, that's so nice. Like, I feel
like my shoulders just likedrop. Yeah, my jaw clenched
here, you say that? Like but butlike, there were definitely
there was definitely like ninemonths there were like,
something in my brain justwouldn't click into believing
that that was true.
Tara Beckett (17:26):
I really can empathize with what you were
saying as well about reallypushing away that mother label.
Because there's, I think that inthere. To me, it felt like there
was some grief if that was theonly thing that defined me. And
yet, I was grateful to become amother. So how do you make both
(17:49):
of those things have space forboth of those things?
Paige Clark Perkinson (17:53):
Yeah, for sure. And I just I just didn't
want it to be a limiting thing.
A similar sort of mourningprocess happen is kind of
ongoing. When I'm when I say I'ma teacher a little bit, because
teacher was just supposed to bemy day job, quote, unquote. And
now it's huge. And it's integralto who I am and what I do and
(18:15):
what I love, and where I spendmost of my time, so why wouldn't
I be happy about that? But notbeing able to say I'm an actor,
or I'm an artist? First, all thetime. Only? There's a little bit
of mourning for that, about thatfor me?
Tara Beckett (18:38):
Yes, yes. And that morning, morning can be there. I
always try to remind myself andI'm really bad at it. But I want
to get it tattooed somewhere onmy forehead so I can see it in
the mirror. But I keep trying tohave some compassion for those
times where I feel like I shouldbe more grateful. And why am I
(19:01):
feeling this way? I should bemore grateful. And it's like,
you know what, you can havegratitude and really be grateful
and also miss what you've shed.
Right? And I just really have topractice that that without
judging the person who'smourning or grieving or angry.
Paige Clark Perkinson (19:23):
Yeah.
Good for you for being able todo that. Tara. Let me let me
know when you
Tara Beckett (19:31):
tell me how to Oh, no, no, let's be clear. I
practice I am good at it about3% of the time but
Paige Clark Perkinson (19:40):
okay, okay. Wow, that would be nice.
That sounds nice.
Tara Beckett (19:56):
I would love you to talk about as well. And you
know, your story that you sharedwith me briefly about finding
out You're having a boy. Oh,
Paige Clark Perkinson (20:07):
yeah. It feels so silly. Now. It feels so
silly now.
Tara Beckett (20:13):
I'm gonna leave because ashen. Okay.
Paige Clark Perkinson (20:17):
Well also because, okay, I'll just tell,
I'll just tell you, yeah, tellyour listeners. So when my
husband and I decided to starttrying to have a child, I
thought in my head, oh, I want alittle girl, I want a little
girl. Because I'm a girl. And Ifigured what have something in
common. And also, I'm a girl whohas a very strong relationship
(20:41):
with my mother. Even to thisday, I consider her one of my
closest friends. I think mymom's pretty cool. I wanted
that. I wanted to do that. Sowhen we went to the ultrasound
after however many months orwhatever, weeks, and they told
me it was a boy, who was reallyupset, I was really sad. I was
(21:05):
like, really holding it in. ButI was really sad. And I had a
good cry in the car with myhusband. And he was so he was so
gracious towards me, he had somuch grace for me. And I was
like, Well, now, now, I'm notgonna have that relationship
(21:25):
with me, he's not going to havethat relationship with me that I
have with my mom. And so that'skind of like, what the initial
thing was. We definitely Idefinitely didn't want to do the
thing where like, Oh, I'll besurprised on the, on the
delivery day, right? Because Iknew that I had these hopes that
I need to work through. Right.
So I was like, okay, and I'veworked through them. And, you
(21:48):
know, we definitely, Idefinitely came to understand
that like, well, one, like, sexand gender don't matter. As much
as I thought they did. You know,this was, what, six years ago,
so even then, I've since then,I've learned so much my students
(22:09):
have helped me learn so muchabout, you know, gender and
gender expression and like,relationships and all of that.
So that was actually a realrelief, like learning more about
that. I'm really enlightening.
And also a mom can have a close,wonderful relationship with
(22:34):
their child, no matter no matterwhat, no matter what gender they
are, no matter what sex theyare, no matter what their
abilities our disabilities are.
So you know, and it's somethingthat, that I have to invest in
the Oso. Working towards thatwas was important. And I say
it's so silly. I said, I said atthe beginning when I was telling
(22:57):
you the story, I was like, Oh,that's a silly to me now,
because he's obsessed with me.
He's obsessed with me. He heknows he has a penis. He knows
that girls have vaginas. And hedoesn't care. He's like, I'm
obsessed with mommy. I wantmommy all the time. Daddy who?
So? So what, uh, what whatFoley? Was was me.
Tara Beckett (23:26):
Yeah, I mean, I can really I have two boys. So
yeah. I thought about
Paige Clark Perkinson (23:33):
having trying to have another one so
that I could have a girl butthen I'd be like, No, then I'll
have to.
Tara Beckett (23:38):
And you know, it has definitely I can understand
that feeling right? Because Ijust had it in my mind. I was
gonna have girls I just I don'tknow why I was so positive. But
the same thing like the 20 weekultrasound, they're like you're
having a boy. And I was reallyexcited because I you know,
(24:00):
experienced miscarriage beforethat. But it took my head some
time to wrap around. Like, okay,like, I'm an already weird,
funky mom. I don't really wantto make the nursery out of
trucks. Like how do I make thisas sparkly as possible? With my
(24:20):
husband always also being okaywith it. Right. So yeah, I also
was just like, Wait a second. Idon't have to be someone
different. Because I'm having aboy. Right? I can, like bring
myself to him. But it took alittle mental gymnastics to
figure out how to do that.
Paige Clark Perkinson (24:38):
Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I mean,
again, I mean, our conversationis like coming back to this,
this idea of of mourning,mourning these expectations or
mourning, mourning the loss ofthese hopes and stuff. And just
sort of working through thatworking through those feelings.
So that would that's deaf. Thatdefinitely is how I would
describe my reaction to I'mchanging my expectations of
(25:02):
like, wanting a girl but havinga boy. It's like, oh, I'm
mourning that expectation like,I, that's not what I'm gonna
get. And I will be happy aboutwhat I do get. But first I need
to mourn this change, right?
Tara Beckett (25:17):
Well, and Paige, I don't know, if you had something
similar, but I know that Ireally wanted to teach a girl
how to be a woman, that wassomething I was really looking
forward to of just being like,you know, as you as your body
develops, and as you'relearning, you know, your own
sexuality, and I wanted to bethere. And I think there's
(25:40):
something about a boy were deadif there's a dad in the picture.
And, you know, it was my ideathat I couldn't teach my son
that. But I can write, like, Ithink it's
Paige Clark Perkinson (25:51):
like, even more beneficial, or, like,
even more empowering to have astrong female role model in a
young man's life. You know,that's what I was you and I,
like, our brains like shifted tothe same idea the same time
because I was like, I now I'm,like, super excited to be the
(26:11):
strong woman in my son's life,to teach him how to, you know,
ask for consent and how to givehim a sense and how to, how to
stand up for you know, nonconforming people and how to,
you know, how to treat women,you know, what, you know, stuff
(26:36):
like that? Because because he'sobsessed with me, what's what's
except what's acceptable to me,is so important to him.
Tara Beckett (26:57):
You are an Asian American? And can you speak a
little bit to that identity,both for yourself and how you
pass that down to your son?
Paige Clark Perkinson (27:07):
Um, yeah, that's a good one, you know,
what's funny, is when you saidthat, I thought I thought you
were gonna say, as a as anactor, and as a as a theatre
artist. And it ain't easy. Letme tell you, um, because only
only recently has it been, like,cool to have an ethnic heritage,
(27:30):
really. And there's been I've,you know, for better or for
worse, I've gotten some work, alot of work be, you know, being
tokenized. You know, myself andstuff, and also like being
excluded because I am too ethnicor not ethnic enough or right
ethnicity. And like, who gets totell this story? Like, stuff
(27:55):
like that? There's a lot of who,and I don't I think we might
need to have another podcast.
Yes. That question. Yeah. So tojust generally touch on that.
That's a long, long slog. Thatalso like makes me feel really
self conscious and insecure, ontop of the fact that, am I just
a mom, am I just a teacher? Am Iallowed to still be an actor? On
(28:17):
top of that, I'm also an AsianAmerican. So am I allowed to be
here? Like there's this constantsort of questioning myself that
I have to really work hard tosilence? Just to get out of bed
to go to the audition? So, yes.
(28:37):
So there's that. But I'm in amore on a more personal level.
Um, just to share a little bitmore more about my heritage. My
mom was adopted from Korea. SoI'm half Korean, my mother is
Korean. And she was adopted whenshe was really small. So she is
not really culturally Korean atall. And she was definitely
(29:00):
raised in a time and place likemostly in Virginia, where it was
not cool to explore her culturalheritage. So we weren't really
raised in our I have a sister,Billy. We weren't culturally
raised Korean either. So it'sdefinitely been a weird
experience to be sort of singledout and excluded for for
(29:26):
something that I really don'tfeel a part of. I don't get the
benefits of you know, being apart of a community. But I get
the detriments of beingexcluded, because I look like
I'm a part of that community, ifthat makes sense. Yes.
straddling a line. Yeah. And Ican imagine that lots of
biracial people may experiencethat. That feeling. But
(29:50):
recently, I've been you know,when I reached adulthood, and
had sort of more autonomy aboutlike, how I spend my time and
like what I did and stuff, Istarted exploring just a little
A bit more about my heritage,just just a little, you know,
toe toe dipping type of stuff.
And that's kind of that'sactually kind of how I'm raising
my son is just to to know, andbe aware of his differences,
(30:13):
like what makes him different,and what makes him the same from
other people. And, thankfully,when we see more representation
in TV or cartoons and stuff, I'mlike, Look, he's Asian, you're
Asian. And my husband's heritageis Scottish. He's not from
(30:34):
Scotland, but his heritage isScottish. And he's very proud of
it. And so, you know, we watchbrave, and I'm like, they're
Scottish. You're Scottish. He'slike, Huh. So, you know, giving
him all the information is, iswhat I'm trying to do at this
point, or as much as his littlesix year old brain can can
(30:56):
handle at this point, you know,and giving him all the tools so
that he can sort of make his owndecisions. Telling him things
like, you know, he's actuallyobserved, you know, like, why is
that boy wearing a skirt skirtsare for girls. I'm like, No, but
anybody can wear a skirt. Askirt is just a skirt. And he
(31:17):
goes, Huh, so then he can chooseif he wants to wear a skirt or
not. And he's like, why is thatboy kissing a boy. And I'm like,
sometimes boys kiss boys,sometimes boys kiss girls,
sometimes girls kissing girls,you kiss who you like, and he's
like, oh, so that he can choosewho he likes. Hopefully, without
without too much outsidepressure. Um, so if someone you
(31:39):
know, makes fun of him forhaving hooded eyelids like they
did me, he won't go. Why are yousaying that to me? I'm the same
as you. I don't understand or,you know, it's going to hurt
still, but then he'll be like,Yeah, I'm Korean. I'm different
from you. What? Yes, yes.
(32:03):
Hopefully, you know.
So, so that's kind of how I'mapproaching, you know, having,
you know, being biracial andhaving a quarter racial, Korean
son, and also, like, helping himnotice the differences in other
kids around him. You know, welive in a nicely diverse
(32:24):
neighborhood, I think and, youknow, in the summertime, he's
like, Oh, their skin is brown.
And I'm like, yeah, somepeople's skin is brown, some is
is peach and some says, youknow, like, very dark, and
that's all okay, you know, sojust trying to give him as much
information and helping himnotice, notice the differences
and being okay with thedifferences.
Tara Beckett (32:54):
Going back, you were saying that when you
decided that you would usepowers for good back when you
had, you know, a young person'sexperience with theater. I'm
just wondering if you could lookback and speak to that 18 year
old self and what you might tellher?
Paige Clark Perkinson (33:13):
Yeah, there's, I was my, my parents
actually are, like, got rid ofall my old stuff. So they sent
me all my old stuff to reallyget out of our house. And they
were like, and they sent me likemy old like, photo albums and
stuff. And I was like, lookingthrough them. And I was like,
Oh, I looked so good. Like, andthis is very, it's gonna start
(33:35):
very superficial, but then it'sgonna get nice. It's gonna get a
little deeper than I promise,but like, you, you I would say
to 18 year old page, you areperfect. Just the way you are.
And that sounds so trite. Butit's so true. And I needed
someone to say that. I mean, Ineeded someone to say that who I
(33:58):
would believe, right? Whichsucks about being 18, right?
Because I'm like, God bless myparents, especially my dad. My
dad was always like, here's howbeautiful you can do anything.
You got this and I'll just like,Shut up dad. So shame on me,
but, but you know what I mean?
Like, if I could have just like,made myself believe one thing
when I was 18 is like you areenough. You are perfect. The way
(34:22):
you are. The sort of dark likethe erotic version of it is
like, it didn't get any betterthan this. Like, that's not very
nice, but like, like, but youknow what I mean? Like, like, at
18. I was like, oh, like, youknow, at 18 in the early 2000s.
(34:47):
We were all wearing those superlow, like waisted jeans and I
was like, Oh, my tummies likesticking out and stuff. I was
like, Girl, it was not though. Iwas looking at those pictures.
It's like no, it's You're great,you look great, you're tight,
you keeping it tight. I waslike, what an idiot. Like that
was like you were a fool. Like,why would you anyway, so I
(35:08):
digress. All that is to say, Iwish, I wish I had believed
that, like, I wish I could havestood in my own beauty and my
own power at that age, and youknow, saying it now, I think I'm
definitely trying to moremindfully do that for myself
(35:30):
now. 35, right. So you can youknow, like, I weigh more now
than I did when I was 18. But Ican still say like, You're
beautiful. You're enough likeyou. You look great. You know?
The trick is, I guess believingit, you know? Yes. Yes, that's
(35:50):
what I would tell myself if Icould talk to 218 year old me
Tara Beckett (36:07):
Paige, it's been lovely to have you on. Before we
go, I would love for you toshare what let perfect burn.
Brings up when you
Paige Clark Perkinson (36:20):
let perfect burn means burn it down.
Just burn it all to the ground.
There's so much going wrong inthe world right now. There's so
much trauma and struggle andhardship for everyone. Don't add
more to yourself by hold holdingyourself to this standard of
(36:44):
quote unquote perfect. So take amatch and light that word
perfect on fire and let theashes blow away in the wind. And
just let yourself breathe alittle a little easier.
Tara Beckett (37:04):
I love it. Paid.
It's been such a pleasure tohave you on I had a good few
belly laughs which we'redefinitely on a Monday. Right.
Take care and I would love to dothat part two sometime so we can
really dig in and go that inthat other direction. But I
(37:24):
appreciate you sharing yourselfand your story and thank you.
Paige Clark Perkinson (37:31):
Thank you for having me. That's cool.
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