April 19, 2022 • 36 mins
In this episode, I sit down with the insanely brave, Alex Highsmith. She is a writer, producer and company member of Don, Pat & Tom, a multimedia company. Inspired by her own sobriety journey, she is also the founder of Sober Sallys, a support group created during the pandemic for sober women experiencing extreme isolation.
Alex was an actor in college, and because she was easily finding success, she had a lot of time on her hands to drink and socialize. Right out of school, she was cast in a national tour, and once again, Alex found herself protected. When the bubble burst and she was shot out into the world, Alex drank to mask her terror. Her drinking lead to Adderall, then cocaine and then meth.
Alex is part of a 12 Step Program and she takes us through what rock bottom looked like in her world. She talks about the challenges of staying sober and how little pieces of light in her life are her lifeline.
In this new phase of her life, Alex is able to support others, she has a loving partner and an adorably cute pup. She has a steady job she enjoys. She can look her mother in the face and she can sleep at night because she does not have to keep track of all of the lies needed to keep straight.
Alex is brave, she is real, she is honest. She isn't afraid to talk about the messy and the ugly. I know her words will assure many of us out there that we have been seen and we have been heard.
Some highlights in this Episode from Alex:
“I was drinking. And then I started to get into hard drugs. I went from Adderall to cocaine to meth. And I come from a nice family. I’m from Utah, I’ve got everything going for me. And that kind of darkness found me. So, I only say that because I never anticipated who I would become.”
“There’s the Big Bang. And then there’s the quiet sort of implosion. Because rock bottom in my program is seen as that every rock bottom has a trapdoor. And that’s to scare you. That’s to let you know that you can always go further than you imagined.”
“It’s about the very small stuff now, like my theatre company. I'm a really reliable part of my theatre company. That is crazy to me. People had to drag me to rehearsals because I was wasted. It was such an opportunity and I just missed it. So, now the light has changed. But there was always a light for the day, I just needed to look for it.”
Don't Miss a Beat.
Follow my Instagram for news from me, Tara Beckett:
https://www.instagram.com/letperfectburn/
Reach out to Alex Highsmith, on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/ahigh4life/
Original Music for Let Perfect Burn by Eleri Ward
https://www.instagram.com/eleriward/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tara Beckett (00:10):
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett, and you're listening to
let perfect burn.
As an actor in college, Alexfound that she was easily
finding success. In college, shehad a lot of time on her hands
(00:34):
to drink and to socialize. Whenthe protective bubble burst, and
she was shot out into the world,Alex drink to mask her terror.
Soon, Alex started to get intohard drugs, from Adderall to
cocaine to meth. She talks aboutrock bottom, that there's a big
bang. And there's a quiet sortof implosion. And she talks
(00:57):
about how she's used sobriety tohelp others, creating sober
Sally's a place of support forwomen who are struggling with
sobriety during the isolation ofthe pandemic. For Alex sobriety
is about the very small stuffnow. She says, The light has
changed. But there was always alight for the day. I just needed
(01:18):
to look for it. So Alex, I knowthat we will talk about this
later in the interview. But whenI was asking you, you know, how
would you describe yourself? Yousaid, you're a creative, which I
love, because that holds a lotof different pieces. You are a
(01:42):
member of the I think it wouldbe like a theatre company,
artistic company.
Alex Highsmith (01:48):
How do you guys call it right now we're shifting
towards multimedia publishingcompany.
Tara Beckett (01:52):
There we go. Don, Pat and Tom performed in
Edinburgh and also currentlyhave a movie that you said came
out of COVID? Yeah,
Alex Highsmith (02:01):
yeah, we're, we're fundraising for it right
now.
Tara Beckett (02:04):
Awesome. And also, you talked about a community
engaged person creatingsomething called sober Sally's.
And also, when you were speakingabout yourself, in your bio, you
said, I used to define myself asa drinker. And six years ago, I
didn't even have friends. Um, sothat's a lot of pieces of
(02:28):
yourself. And where would youlike to start?
Alex Highsmith (02:34):
Thank you for the opportunity to choose. It's
all kind of rolled into one. SoI mean, for me, I got a lot of
perspective on who I am as aperson through my arguably worst
trait, which is my addictivepersonality and my drinking. So
(02:56):
that's a good place to start,just because the rest of my life
was born out of me figuring outwhy that
Unknown (03:05):
piece was, was what it was. So let's start there.
Alex Highsmith (03:11):
Great. Yeah, so I write I used to describe
myself as a drinker, you and Iknow each other from Boston
University, where when I was inschool, I described myself as an
actor, and I always wanted to bean actor, and I was really
(03:32):
rewarded. I did really well incollege, as well as you can do
an acting school, which is justthat you get cast a lot. And
well. And there's a number ofreasons that happened, aside
from talents that, you know,just like a white girl plays or
written for white girls, it was,it was a whole bunch of stuff.
(03:54):
But it gave me a lot of time todrink and party and socialize.
And I did that really, sociallyfor a long time. And then school
ended, and we were all shot intothe real world. And I was
really, really scared. I thinkthe bubble of school was just I
(04:17):
didn't want it to end and I wasembarrassed about that, too, you
know, because I felt like I wasthis big shot who was destined
for Broadway or something. Butyeah, I was destined for other
things. I was cast in a nationaltour right after school. So I
again felt like I had it madeand then I started drinking
(04:40):
pretty consistently, and that'swhere like, it really started. I
was a daily drinker. And atfirst it was just for fun. And
then I figured out that youcould drink in the morning to
make your hangover go away. Andthen I figured out that you can
hang out with people who won'tjudge you Go for your bad
(05:00):
behavior if they're a littleworse than you. So I started
surrounding myself with peoplelike that, who didn't really
uplift me, but sort of just letme do that stuff. And I got
really, really lost. I wasdrinking, I was working in the
service industry. I was stilldoing theater, but like very
(05:24):
drunk on stage a lot. And I wasfunctional, super functional.
But like something was missing,obviously, because why did why
do we do these things to us thatI was not drinking stopped
making me happy for like thelast six years of my drinking
career. But I kept thinking, ifI did it in a different way, I
(05:47):
would figure it out. And I wouldbe an actor. And I would be
this, like, I just had thisvision of me throwing dinner
parties all the time. Like, Idon't know what job that is,
like, I just wanted to be likethis successful woman wearing
like fur. And I was I knew I wasin New York. And I knew people
(06:07):
were giving me attention. And Iwas fabulous. But that was it.
Yeah. Some weird romantic idea.
I do blame acting school if youwant to shit on acting school
call me. Or any art school,really. But I just like, I don't
know, I could not figure out thebalance between working and
(06:31):
playing. And it talking aboutit. Now. It's like, I try to
bring play into all of my work.
Because it's so hard to title myso I'm getting ahead of myself.
But like, the reason it's sohard to decide who I want to be
introduced as or how I want tobe introduced is because I've
(06:54):
decided that I'm just going tobe myself as much as I can in
every aspect of my life. And soI am not a sales rep. And I'm
not an actor, and I'm not agirlfriend, and I'm not just a
sister, you know, I'm all Idon't know what the word for
that is. But for a long time, Iwas just a, I was just my
(07:16):
actions. It's good to be youractions. I was just this one
action. I was just drinking. Andthen I started to get into hard
drugs. And I was straight upusing it went from Adderall to
cocaine to math. And I, youknow, I come from a nice family,
(07:37):
I'm from Utah, I've goteverything going for me. And
that that kind of darkness foundme. So I only say that because I
never anticipated who I wouldbecome, and then who I would
become again. But I hit a prettybad rock bottom with
(07:58):
I just had to leave, I had toleave where I was I couldn't pay
my bills anymore. I couldn't. Iweighed like 20 pounds less than
I do now is you know that wholething you hear and I move back
home. And for some reason oranother. I've found a way to
stop drinking. And everydaysince then, about six years ago,
(08:21):
my life has gotten better
Tara Beckett (08:34):
and would you say there's a moment or a breaking
point where you just knew it wasenough? Something had to change?
Alex Highsmith (08:48):
Yeah, there's two different there's like the
Big Bang. And then there's thequiet sort of implosion. Right?
Because rock bottom in theprogram I'm in they say every
rock bottom has a trapdoor. Andthat's to scare you. That's to
(09:10):
let you know that you can alwaysgo further than you imagined in
bad and good. Right? I foundthat to be true. So one was I
mean, I what happened? I wentinto a shift. This was like a
(09:32):
year and a half before I stoppeddrinking and drugging by the way
so it was like, but the crackhad to happen. I was such a
different person that even thethe rock bottom and the breaking
point was long because itcompared to the what I was
recovering from it had to be forme. So I mean, one was literally
(09:57):
buying meth from I'm a person Iworked with, and doing so much
of it that I couldn't work andended up getting. I've never
really even told anybody this. Iwas like, passed out on my
friend's couch and a dog peed onme. Like I, it was so
(10:18):
humiliating. And so and like, Ithought it was funny. Like, it
was just, I was in like a crackden. Like, it's crazy. I don't
say it lightly. It's just likelooking back, I can't really
believe it. So that was reallybad. I got I had to leave my job
that day, I had to sort of facefacts that I had no one. And I
(10:42):
moved home. So that was like, areally scary, sad breaking
point. And then the next one,the night, where I actually was
able to quit drinking was it wasvery quiet. I just got way too
drunk before my shift at arestaurant at home. So I had
moved back home and just kind ofstarted up again, doing what I
(11:04):
was doing. And I had to go to abig party that night for the for
the restaurant, it was like agrand reopening or something,
and I drink a bunch of vodkabefore and I got there. And I
was supposed to be ready forthis huge party. And I was like
a star server, right? I used tobe an actor, I was really
personable, like all of thesemyths, we tell ourselves or
(11:26):
whatever. And I got too drunk,and I slipped and fell in front
of the whole staff. And I justremember, like, sitting up and
looking around. And like thatwas it, you know, it was like,
this is as good as it's gonnaget. It was so lame, and
underwhelming, and like, youknow, I was this like, big shot.
(11:50):
And I was on the floor. And itwas Utah, and it was just like,
I just tell everybody, you getsick of it. I hope you get sick
of it, you know, because that'swhat happened. I did I just got
sick of my bullshit. Andluckily, I was I was that was
enough. You know, a lot ofpeople aren't in a position for
(12:11):
being sick of it to stop for itto enable them to stop. But I
was and I went home and I Ididn't drink anymore
Tara Beckett (12:30):
you know, I want you to speak if you if you can
about all those posts you haveon Instagram, where each year
there's an anniversary. Can youtalk about each of those years
and what? What do you think ofon the end that time? Yeah.
Alex Highsmith (12:49):
Thanks for just giving me a place to talk about
this. By the way. It's reallynice. And I welcome I hope it's
useful to someone it was. So theposts I started doing my third
year of sobriety, I didn't do ityear one or year two. And by the
way, my sober date is July 31.
Right? Yeah. 2017. So, the firstcouple years, I was scared, it
(13:17):
wouldn't stick. So I didn't postI didn't talk about it too much.
I also smoke pot. I'm not likesober like a lot of I just
that's what I do. I really likeplants. Personally, and feed has
been a big part. Yeah, we'vebeen a big part of my story. It
helps me a lot. So I just liketo say that as well. And it's
(13:39):
never caused me to relapse onalcohol. Not true for everybody
true for me. Right? So I postevery year because I think we
have to talk about we have totalk least talk about it.
Alcohol and drugs are so tabooself harm, and you know, mental
(14:02):
illness. It's almost trite nowbecause everyone's like so into
being upfront about their mentalhealth. But we still don't want
to talk about the nitty gritty,like, I bet people don't like
hearing that I got pissed off.
Or that like, my friend hassuicidal tendencies, or that
like, I still think about methand all of that. It's not cool.
(14:25):
It's like, and there's a lot ofpeople most people don't have a
problem. That's the thing. Likeit's there's it's a very small
percentage of humans that haveall of these addictive
tendencies, but we talk about itso it seems more prevalent.
Tara Beckett (14:41):
So Alex, when you're speaking, I am having
such a strong reaction to whatyou're saying because I find in
my experience that the crisis isreally black and white and easy
to handle for others and I thinkbeing well is really simple and
easy to handle. But the fact isI'm with what I go through that
(15:03):
middle ground is a really hotmess. And that is really hard to
both explain and understand. AndI don't know if that's something
that relates to what you've
Alex Highsmith (15:14):
only in every single way. I think I
encountered that a lot withsober Sally. And that's why I
started this group of sober andsober curious femmes. Because we
all needed help. During COVID, Istarted posting like we were
talking about on Instagram aboutmy journey in that I've managed
(15:37):
to stay sober for three years.
And after having no presence onsocial media, really, I came out
and I was like, producing aplay, I was traveling with my
group to Edinburgh, I was in areally great relationship still
am I and then the next year, Ihad even more good things to say
about what sobriety gave me. Andthen the next year, I had even
(15:59):
more and people started to comeout of the woodwork and say,
Thanks for Thanks for talkingabout something that note, you
know, is is scary to talk about,because I'm going through it
too. And so I got all of thosepeople together. And we started
sober, Sally, and it ischallenging, because every
single person in that group hasa different recovery process.
(16:20):
Some people are really in it.
Some people like, I'm not, I'mstill I'm messy, but I have
chosen not to drink alcohol andfor the rest of my life. And I
know that people never saynever, and all that stuff, but
it's just working out for me sofar. And I hope that I can stay
that way. But like, I'm going toSeville in a couple of weeks,
(16:45):
and I use wine country, right?
Like I have to, I have tograpple with. But I'm not going
to do it. I go and I talk topeople I for me, I go to an AAA
meeting or sober Sally meeting,and I just have to hear people
who have been trying to drinksuccessfully for way longer than
me. And it reminds me that I'mgood. I'm gonna keep doing
(17:07):
what's working. So I check in alot. But to talk about that gray
area. We're different peopleevery day. Like, how is one
modality? One technique ofquitting or getting better
supposed to work every day?
(17:30):
Like, no, it absolutely can. Andthe other thing is like we've
only just started researchingall of this shit. Like there's
been like no research onalcoholism on self harm on on
Bipolar disorder is very, veryconfusing for doctors right now.
And that is a big part of myfamily story to lots of I lost
(17:53):
my dad to mental health anddrugs when I was 14. And my
sister openly struggles withthat. And I feel like I'm going
off the rails here. But
Tara Beckett (18:09):
no, it's okay.
It's all related.
Alex Highsmith (18:12):
We have to talk about the messy we have to talk
about us trying to get better.
Like, I'm really scared for theday that I slip up. But I also
think I would post about it,because I know how important it
is. And I know that every timeI'm open about something I get,
like 1000 times that back
Tara Beckett (18:41):
Is there something in particular that you find most
challenging right now or givesyou the most challenge in sort
of luring you back to oldcoping?
Alex Highsmith (18:57):
Yeah, that's a great question. Yeah, I mean, my
there's some stuff in my familygoing on right now. I have a
sister who's recovering from atraumatic brain injury and it's
really hard for her obviously.
But this is one of the first bigthings that's happened. God
(19:20):
knows I used to have a drinkafter talking with her or
worrying about her. I don't havethat now. I don't I want to just
relax. I want to I want to notthink about any of this shit,
any of it the world andeverybody you know what? What's
going on? Pick your poison, youknow? I mean, and I still go
(19:41):
out. I couldn't for a long time.
I've started going out again,not even just because of COVID
because of sobriety and youknow, drugs come out and see I
saw a plate of cocaine the othernight and it was like I had spa
I'm on my back like, oh myreaction my, I could feel my
(20:04):
eyes dilate like I was in LooneyTunes, my mouth started
watering, like I my body wantsthat. But that is not a normal
response to drugs Ladies andgentleman, no matter who you
hang out with no matter how manypeople you see, and this is
important for city people torealize, nope, I was I was in
(20:24):
the country in Utah. It's trueeverywhere. You just need to
know that the way your friendgroup does stuff is not the way
the whole world works. It's notand I'm not even like trying to
school people. It's just Itraveled around a lot. I was in
a small town in Ogden. I was inthe city and Seattle, I lived in
Boston, I'm I hung out withtownies, I hung out with super
(20:46):
fancy actors all of it andthere's a lot of different ways
to socialize and do things and Ihad a standard that I wasn't not
correct about and there's everyday I think about can I be
normal? Can I just go to happyhour can't I like why not? It
(21:09):
really fucking sucks to be likeeverybody else and everybody
feels that way at one point oranother yeah
Tara Beckett (21:21):
yeah, I am also sober right now and I don't know
you know I'm not I'm trying notto think add but I'm the kind of
medication I take for who Idon't know if it's depression
bipolar knows I'm just kind oflike over it. Like whatever
makes me feel like crap youknow, it's just not a good thing
(21:42):
to mix with it right? Like notnot a great idea. But I know in
going out I will get so iratenow that I'm like one non
alcoholic beer people is thattoo much to put on your menu?
This
Alex Highsmith (21:55):
is a PSA for all gets so angry. There's no excuse
anymore. There are hundreds uponhundreds folic options. And
guys, you can charge soberpeople weigh more than you
charge them for a glass ofwater. But that's a whole the
whole world needs to wake up andsee that like getting fucked up
as a group is is weird. Weird.
Fine, and it's fun. Yeah, youcan you totally but it's not the
(22:24):
only thing I have no idea what'sgoing to happen. And I joke with
some of my sober friends aboutrelapsing all the time. Like I'm
waiting to get nuked I'm likewaiting for the zombie
(22:44):
apocalypse because then I willgo relapse eat my brain I'm six
almost six years alcohol andhard drug free and I'm still
planning for the special daywhen I can go completely
obliterate my entire life. Likethat's never going away. It's
just not it's how I'm one butevery day I check in to see now
(23:05):
and because I've got the backlogof alcohol and drugs out of my
system I'm able to check in moreaccurately and that's what
everybody owes themselves islike a check in period so you
don't have to be sober I meanyou can do whatever you got
Danwon and you obviously welland whenever anybody tells me
(23:26):
that this is how I should dosomething I will immediately do
it the other way or like nagthem or something but in my in
my bad self in my insight self
Unknown (23:39):
but like
Alex Highsmith (23:41):
man given you're given your body just a chance to
be itself is is useful or it wasfor me
Tara Beckett (23:58):
I get really angry about the cracking open because
now I feel like I can't puteverything back in the air. So
it's like Am I just going tohave episodes like this my whole
life like is this is this what Isigned up for when I got honest
with myself?
Alex Highsmith (24:18):
That makes me want to cry I don't know why I
think I've totally been there. Ican I just kind of keep
repeating this. And I just hadlike I'm so thankful for my I
call it alcoholism. Now it'salcohol use disorder as another
way people are talking about it.
But like, I was like how am Igoing to live this way? I
(24:39):
literally could not even thinkof spending a day after another
day without my quote unquotemedicine right to make it okay,
right? Like how am I and I justI wish I could convey to like
everyone listening how differentI was because I can I cannot
believe it. And, and it wassimply because I just trusted
(25:04):
that I was going to stay that,you know, my physical body would
be there the next morning. Andlike, it just changed, like it
has nothing to do with us, Tara.
That's the other thing. Like weget out of the fucking way. It's
I don't know if it's God or likethe universe or Gaia, but like,
(25:26):
it's actually I got I havenothing to do with me, right?
Like it was I was controllingeverything and like, worried
about how I was gonna act andlike, worried about my episodes
because I didn't have episodes.
And like, it's so much biggerthan that. Like, when I stopped
focusing on my response to tolife, all I was left with was
(25:51):
life. Unlike life is manageable.
It's stupid, but it's boring,but it's manageable. I hated
being bored. I hated theminutiae of life. And that's
like, now, that's what I'm leftwith. Because I don't have
(26:16):
partying. But like, no joke,every, like, almost every moment
feels like I'm not like a party.
But it definitely feels like Ican survive it and maybe have
fun in it.
Tara Beckett (26:47):
Alex, if you could talk to your 18 year old self.
What would you tell her
Alex Highsmith (27:00):
don't sleep with the married guy. Don't first,
just straight up. And I guessthe thing under that is
respecting yourself is notboring. And that nobody's paying
(27:25):
attention to how much I drink orparty. And nobody is going to
notice
Unknown (27:36):
that I quit.
Alex Highsmith (27:39):
And that acting is just a job. And that like me
by myself, without anythingadded to it.
Unknown (27:54):
Is is really good.
Alex Highsmith (27:57):
And that if I stick with that person, I'm
gonna get friends. I'm gonna getto live in New York City. I'm
gonna meet the love of my life.
I'm gonna get a dog. I'm goingto be on a podcast talking about
stuff. I'm gonna like have agroup of people who want to know
what I think like, it's Oh, man,I wish I could have told that
(28:20):
girl to just like, hold on.
Yeah.
Tara Beckett (28:26):
Yeah. Can we talked a little bit about the
struggle, the daily struggle? Wetalked a little bit about maybe
the boringness of when you and Ihave taken away some of those
(28:46):
extremes. What is the light inyour life right now?
Alex Highsmith (28:57):
So people talked about this stuff when I was in
early days, and I tried drinkinga lot quitting a lot before I
got a stretch. And I was alwayslike, if you tell me that yoga,
or a bath will make me feelbetter. I will fuck you up. I
(29:18):
fucking hate that. And I stillhate it. I remember I was like,
had no money. I was sleeping onmy girlfriend's couch. God bless
her. She let me stay on hercouch. She was a few years older
than me. She moved to the citywith $10,000 Like, did not have
a drug or alcohol problem, whichI didn't even know was an
option. And she was like, noticethat I was frankly tweaking and
she was like, You should reallyjust try some, like sun
(29:40):
salutations to kill her. I swearto God in my like, I would have
done something. And it's justlike, that stuff doesn't. It
doesn't apply until until like alot of other basic needs are
met. Right? Yeah. Like I'm notgonna like how Have a fruity
(30:00):
bath with candles until I canfucking afford candles, or like
a quiet apartment or relax. Andthat being said, that's the shit
that I love now, like all these,but it built up to that I I went
from never from constantlyhaving an overdrawn bank account
(30:25):
and being woken up in the nightby the lies I had to keep
straights to people andemployers. So when I stopped
drinking and dropped it all thelies and pretending I, my light
was like a good night's sleep.
And like being able to look mymother in the eye. Those things
(30:49):
meant a lot. And I try not toforget that now. Because now I'm
at the point where I built mybank account up in the right
way. And I didn't skip any stepsI don't think aside from like,
being white and middle class anda woman, you know, like all that
stuff, but all that stuff. Butlike, I just, I did the next
(31:13):
right thing. That's what theytell you in my program. And
that's what I've heard in evenlike religious and philosophy,
philosophical conversations,just do the next right thing.
It's the next indicated thing.
And for me, after drinking dailyfor years and years and years,
(31:33):
the next right thing was like totake a shower, and to not drink.
And then slowly the next rightthing was get a job, but not
anywhere that I would maybe betriggered. So I got a really low
paying job at a coffee shop inthe morning. And I just knew I
needed to work. And and I did itfor a while and I met some good
(31:56):
people and one of the regularsat my coffee shop job was the
owner of a pet food company whoneeded a sales rep. And so he
hired me and I got this job thatI wasn't not qualified for at
all but I had a driver'slicense. And I was good to drive
now and I it was just crazy. SoI took that job. And and now my
(32:22):
light is like I got a dogbecause I had that job I've
always wanted like a baby butnot a baby. I really respect all
you moms out there. Oh my Godand I want one so bad but it's
not right in our life yet butlike, My dog is my light walking
around Prospect Park in themorning and not having a
(32:43):
hangover and not wishing that Iwas somebody else is my life.
Like it's very small stuff now.
Like my theatre company. I'm abig part I'm a really reliable
part of my theatre company. Thatis crazy to me like people have
to drag to rehearsals at the endof days and I was wasted like it
(33:03):
was such an opportunity and Ijust missed it so like the the
light changed Yes, the lightalways changed but there was
always a light for the day. If Ilooked for it perfect
Tara Beckett (33:39):
perfect for you What does let perfect burn mean?
Yes,
Alex Highsmith (33:43):
I've been thinking about this question
because I know you ask yourguests. What am I gonna say? I
think for me what perfect burnmeans let all of my preconceived
notions though because in mymind, whatever I've decided the
(34:09):
future is or whatever I'vedecided my ways is perfect.
That's that's why I decidedthat's why I envisioned it. But
as I get older and more sober Irealized that I envisioned it
that way because that's what Iknow. That's just that's what
(34:31):
I've seen. That's what I know.
And I don't know very much i I'mso glad I know that now and I'm
sure when I listen to this in 10years I'll be like shut up Alex.
You don't know anything. Youthink you know but you don't
call I hope I don't relapse.
(35:03):
What do you have? That is sogood that it can't get better
that there's no room forimprovement? And improvement
sounds boring too. I'm veryattuned to these words that are
like, Oh, work. And like, Ah, Ihave to, like, because work is
hard. Like, it's I don't want tobe like, I'm good how I am. But
(35:25):
like, you know, we all know weall need a lot of help. Yeah.
There are so many of us outthere that want to that want to
let go of what we think we'rejust like, I'm so thankful that
you've put this platform outhere to to lay it out there. I
think we really need it.
Tara Beckett (35:43):
Course. Yeah. And I think we really need your
voice and it takes a lot to comeon and give your story to
listeners. And I feel honored.
And also to just feel like eventhough our stories are not the
same, there's there's acommonality so I think you're
(36:05):
going to your story will alsohelp people who might be
struggling in a different way tojust know that there's someone
out there who's speaking truthand will make them feel seen and
heard. So it's a big deal, Alex,and I'm so thankful, man.
Alex Highsmith (36:23):
Thanks, Tara.
Birth
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett, and you're listening to
let perfect burn.
As an actor in college, Alexfound that she was easily
finding success. In college, shehad a lot of time on her hands
(00:34):
to drink and to socialize. Whenthe protective bubble burst, and
she was shot out into the world,Alex drink to mask her terror.
Soon, Alex started to get intohard drugs, from Adderall to
cocaine to meth. She talks aboutrock bottom, that there's a big
bang. And there's a quiet sortof implosion. And she talks
(00:57):
about how she's used sobriety tohelp others, creating sober
Sally's a place of support forwomen who are struggling with
sobriety during the isolation ofthe pandemic. For Alex sobriety
is about the very small stuffnow. She says, The light has
changed. But there was always alight for the day. I just needed
(01:18):
to look for it. So Alex, I knowthat we will talk about this
later in the interview. But whenI was asking you, you know, how
would you describe yourself? Yousaid, you're a creative, which I
love, because that holds a lotof different pieces. You are a
(01:42):
member of the I think it wouldbe like a theatre company,
artistic company.
Alex Highsmith (01:48):
How do you guys call it right now we're shifting
towards multimedia publishingcompany.
Tara Beckett (01:52):
There we go. Don, Pat and Tom performed in
Edinburgh and also currentlyhave a movie that you said came
out of COVID? Yeah,
Alex Highsmith (02:01):
yeah, we're, we're fundraising for it right
now.
Tara Beckett (02:04):
Awesome. And also, you talked about a community
engaged person creatingsomething called sober Sally's.
And also, when you were speakingabout yourself, in your bio, you
said, I used to define myself asa drinker. And six years ago, I
didn't even have friends. Um, sothat's a lot of pieces of
(02:28):
yourself. And where would youlike to start?
Alex Highsmith (02:34):
Thank you for the opportunity to choose. It's
all kind of rolled into one. SoI mean, for me, I got a lot of
perspective on who I am as aperson through my arguably worst
trait, which is my addictivepersonality and my drinking. So
(02:56):
that's a good place to start,just because the rest of my life
was born out of me figuring outwhy that
Unknown (03:05):
piece was, was what it was. So let's start there.
Alex Highsmith (03:11):
Great. Yeah, so I write I used to describe
myself as a drinker, you and Iknow each other from Boston
University, where when I was inschool, I described myself as an
actor, and I always wanted to bean actor, and I was really
(03:32):
rewarded. I did really well incollege, as well as you can do
an acting school, which is justthat you get cast a lot. And
well. And there's a number ofreasons that happened, aside
from talents that, you know,just like a white girl plays or
written for white girls, it was,it was a whole bunch of stuff.
(03:54):
But it gave me a lot of time todrink and party and socialize.
And I did that really, sociallyfor a long time. And then school
ended, and we were all shot intothe real world. And I was
really, really scared. I thinkthe bubble of school was just I
(04:17):
didn't want it to end and I wasembarrassed about that, too, you
know, because I felt like I wasthis big shot who was destined
for Broadway or something. Butyeah, I was destined for other
things. I was cast in a nationaltour right after school. So I
again felt like I had it madeand then I started drinking
(04:40):
pretty consistently, and that'swhere like, it really started. I
was a daily drinker. And atfirst it was just for fun. And
then I figured out that youcould drink in the morning to
make your hangover go away. Andthen I figured out that you can
hang out with people who won'tjudge you Go for your bad
(05:00):
behavior if they're a littleworse than you. So I started
surrounding myself with peoplelike that, who didn't really
uplift me, but sort of just letme do that stuff. And I got
really, really lost. I wasdrinking, I was working in the
service industry. I was stilldoing theater, but like very
(05:24):
drunk on stage a lot. And I wasfunctional, super functional.
But like something was missing,obviously, because why did why
do we do these things to us thatI was not drinking stopped
making me happy for like thelast six years of my drinking
career. But I kept thinking, ifI did it in a different way, I
(05:47):
would figure it out. And I wouldbe an actor. And I would be
this, like, I just had thisvision of me throwing dinner
parties all the time. Like, Idon't know what job that is,
like, I just wanted to be likethis successful woman wearing
like fur. And I was I knew I wasin New York. And I knew people
(06:07):
were giving me attention. And Iwas fabulous. But that was it.
Yeah. Some weird romantic idea.
I do blame acting school if youwant to shit on acting school
call me. Or any art school,really. But I just like, I don't
know, I could not figure out thebalance between working and
(06:31):
playing. And it talking aboutit. Now. It's like, I try to
bring play into all of my work.
Because it's so hard to title myso I'm getting ahead of myself.
But like, the reason it's sohard to decide who I want to be
introduced as or how I want tobe introduced is because I've
(06:54):
decided that I'm just going tobe myself as much as I can in
every aspect of my life. And soI am not a sales rep. And I'm
not an actor, and I'm not agirlfriend, and I'm not just a
sister, you know, I'm all Idon't know what the word for
that is. But for a long time, Iwas just a, I was just my
(07:16):
actions. It's good to be youractions. I was just this one
action. I was just drinking. Andthen I started to get into hard
drugs. And I was straight upusing it went from Adderall to
cocaine to math. And I, youknow, I come from a nice family,
(07:37):
I'm from Utah, I've goteverything going for me. And
that that kind of darkness foundme. So I only say that because I
never anticipated who I wouldbecome, and then who I would
become again. But I hit a prettybad rock bottom with
(07:58):
I just had to leave, I had toleave where I was I couldn't pay
my bills anymore. I couldn't. Iweighed like 20 pounds less than
I do now is you know that wholething you hear and I move back
home. And for some reason oranother. I've found a way to
stop drinking. And everydaysince then, about six years ago,
(08:21):
my life has gotten better
Tara Beckett (08:34):
and would you say there's a moment or a breaking
point where you just knew it wasenough? Something had to change?
Alex Highsmith (08:48):
Yeah, there's two different there's like the
Big Bang. And then there's thequiet sort of implosion. Right?
Because rock bottom in theprogram I'm in they say every
rock bottom has a trapdoor. Andthat's to scare you. That's to
(09:10):
let you know that you can alwaysgo further than you imagined in
bad and good. Right? I foundthat to be true. So one was I
mean, I what happened? I wentinto a shift. This was like a
(09:32):
year and a half before I stoppeddrinking and drugging by the way
so it was like, but the crackhad to happen. I was such a
different person that even thethe rock bottom and the breaking
point was long because itcompared to the what I was
recovering from it had to be forme. So I mean, one was literally
(09:57):
buying meth from I'm a person Iworked with, and doing so much
of it that I couldn't work andended up getting. I've never
really even told anybody this. Iwas like, passed out on my
friend's couch and a dog peed onme. Like I, it was so
(10:18):
humiliating. And so and like, Ithought it was funny. Like, it
was just, I was in like a crackden. Like, it's crazy. I don't
say it lightly. It's just likelooking back, I can't really
believe it. So that was reallybad. I got I had to leave my job
that day, I had to sort of facefacts that I had no one. And I
(10:42):
moved home. So that was like, areally scary, sad breaking
point. And then the next one,the night, where I actually was
able to quit drinking was it wasvery quiet. I just got way too
drunk before my shift at arestaurant at home. So I had
moved back home and just kind ofstarted up again, doing what I
(11:04):
was doing. And I had to go to abig party that night for the for
the restaurant, it was like agrand reopening or something,
and I drink a bunch of vodkabefore and I got there. And I
was supposed to be ready forthis huge party. And I was like
a star server, right? I used tobe an actor, I was really
personable, like all of thesemyths, we tell ourselves or
(11:26):
whatever. And I got too drunk,and I slipped and fell in front
of the whole staff. And I justremember, like, sitting up and
looking around. And like thatwas it, you know, it was like,
this is as good as it's gonnaget. It was so lame, and
underwhelming, and like, youknow, I was this like, big shot.
(11:50):
And I was on the floor. And itwas Utah, and it was just like,
I just tell everybody, you getsick of it. I hope you get sick
of it, you know, because that'swhat happened. I did I just got
sick of my bullshit. Andluckily, I was I was that was
enough. You know, a lot ofpeople aren't in a position for
(12:11):
being sick of it to stop for itto enable them to stop. But I
was and I went home and I Ididn't drink anymore
Tara Beckett (12:30):
you know, I want you to speak if you if you can
about all those posts you haveon Instagram, where each year
there's an anniversary. Can youtalk about each of those years
and what? What do you think ofon the end that time? Yeah.
Alex Highsmith (12:49):
Thanks for just giving me a place to talk about
this. By the way. It's reallynice. And I welcome I hope it's
useful to someone it was. So theposts I started doing my third
year of sobriety, I didn't do ityear one or year two. And by the
way, my sober date is July 31.
Right? Yeah. 2017. So, the firstcouple years, I was scared, it
(13:17):
wouldn't stick. So I didn't postI didn't talk about it too much.
I also smoke pot. I'm not likesober like a lot of I just
that's what I do. I really likeplants. Personally, and feed has
been a big part. Yeah, we'vebeen a big part of my story. It
helps me a lot. So I just liketo say that as well. And it's
(13:39):
never caused me to relapse onalcohol. Not true for everybody
true for me. Right? So I postevery year because I think we
have to talk about we have totalk least talk about it.
Alcohol and drugs are so tabooself harm, and you know, mental
(14:02):
illness. It's almost trite nowbecause everyone's like so into
being upfront about their mentalhealth. But we still don't want
to talk about the nitty gritty,like, I bet people don't like
hearing that I got pissed off.
Or that like, my friend hassuicidal tendencies, or that
like, I still think about methand all of that. It's not cool.
(14:25):
It's like, and there's a lot ofpeople most people don't have a
problem. That's the thing. Likeit's there's it's a very small
percentage of humans that haveall of these addictive
tendencies, but we talk about itso it seems more prevalent.
Tara Beckett (14:41):
So Alex, when you're speaking, I am having
such a strong reaction to whatyou're saying because I find in
my experience that the crisis isreally black and white and easy
to handle for others and I thinkbeing well is really simple and
easy to handle. But the fact isI'm with what I go through that
(15:03):
middle ground is a really hotmess. And that is really hard to
both explain and understand. AndI don't know if that's something
that relates to what you've
Alex Highsmith (15:14):
only in every single way. I think I
encountered that a lot withsober Sally. And that's why I
started this group of sober andsober curious femmes. Because we
all needed help. During COVID, Istarted posting like we were
talking about on Instagram aboutmy journey in that I've managed
(15:37):
to stay sober for three years.
And after having no presence onsocial media, really, I came out
and I was like, producing aplay, I was traveling with my
group to Edinburgh, I was in areally great relationship still
am I and then the next year, Ihad even more good things to say
about what sobriety gave me. Andthen the next year, I had even
(15:59):
more and people started to comeout of the woodwork and say,
Thanks for Thanks for talkingabout something that note, you
know, is is scary to talk about,because I'm going through it
too. And so I got all of thosepeople together. And we started
sober, Sally, and it ischallenging, because every
single person in that group hasa different recovery process.
(16:20):
Some people are really in it.
Some people like, I'm not, I'mstill I'm messy, but I have
chosen not to drink alcohol andfor the rest of my life. And I
know that people never saynever, and all that stuff, but
it's just working out for me sofar. And I hope that I can stay
that way. But like, I'm going toSeville in a couple of weeks,
(16:45):
and I use wine country, right?
Like I have to, I have tograpple with. But I'm not going
to do it. I go and I talk topeople I for me, I go to an AAA
meeting or sober Sally meeting,and I just have to hear people
who have been trying to drinksuccessfully for way longer than
me. And it reminds me that I'mgood. I'm gonna keep doing
(17:07):
what's working. So I check in alot. But to talk about that gray
area. We're different peopleevery day. Like, how is one
modality? One technique ofquitting or getting better
supposed to work every day?
(17:30):
Like, no, it absolutely can. Andthe other thing is like we've
only just started researchingall of this shit. Like there's
been like no research onalcoholism on self harm on on
Bipolar disorder is very, veryconfusing for doctors right now.
And that is a big part of myfamily story to lots of I lost
(17:53):
my dad to mental health anddrugs when I was 14. And my
sister openly struggles withthat. And I feel like I'm going
off the rails here. But
Tara Beckett (18:09):
no, it's okay.
It's all related.
Alex Highsmith (18:12):
We have to talk about the messy we have to talk
about us trying to get better.
Like, I'm really scared for theday that I slip up. But I also
think I would post about it,because I know how important it
is. And I know that every timeI'm open about something I get,
like 1000 times that back
Tara Beckett (18:41):
Is there something in particular that you find most
challenging right now or givesyou the most challenge in sort
of luring you back to oldcoping?
Alex Highsmith (18:57):
Yeah, that's a great question. Yeah, I mean, my
there's some stuff in my familygoing on right now. I have a
sister who's recovering from atraumatic brain injury and it's
really hard for her obviously.
But this is one of the first bigthings that's happened. God
(19:20):
knows I used to have a drinkafter talking with her or
worrying about her. I don't havethat now. I don't I want to just
relax. I want to I want to notthink about any of this shit,
any of it the world andeverybody you know what? What's
going on? Pick your poison, youknow? I mean, and I still go
(19:41):
out. I couldn't for a long time.
I've started going out again,not even just because of COVID
because of sobriety and youknow, drugs come out and see I
saw a plate of cocaine the othernight and it was like I had spa
I'm on my back like, oh myreaction my, I could feel my
(20:04):
eyes dilate like I was in LooneyTunes, my mouth started
watering, like I my body wantsthat. But that is not a normal
response to drugs Ladies andgentleman, no matter who you
hang out with no matter how manypeople you see, and this is
important for city people torealize, nope, I was I was in
(20:24):
the country in Utah. It's trueeverywhere. You just need to
know that the way your friendgroup does stuff is not the way
the whole world works. It's notand I'm not even like trying to
school people. It's just Itraveled around a lot. I was in
a small town in Ogden. I was inthe city and Seattle, I lived in
Boston, I'm I hung out withtownies, I hung out with super
(20:46):
fancy actors all of it andthere's a lot of different ways
to socialize and do things and Ihad a standard that I wasn't not
correct about and there's everyday I think about can I be
normal? Can I just go to happyhour can't I like why not? It
(21:09):
really fucking sucks to be likeeverybody else and everybody
feels that way at one point oranother yeah
Tara Beckett (21:21):
yeah, I am also sober right now and I don't know
you know I'm not I'm trying notto think add but I'm the kind of
medication I take for who Idon't know if it's depression
bipolar knows I'm just kind oflike over it. Like whatever
makes me feel like crap youknow, it's just not a good thing
(21:42):
to mix with it right? Like notnot a great idea. But I know in
going out I will get so iratenow that I'm like one non
alcoholic beer people is thattoo much to put on your menu?
This
Alex Highsmith (21:55):
is a PSA for all gets so angry. There's no excuse
anymore. There are hundreds uponhundreds folic options. And
guys, you can charge soberpeople weigh more than you
charge them for a glass ofwater. But that's a whole the
whole world needs to wake up andsee that like getting fucked up
as a group is is weird. Weird.
Fine, and it's fun. Yeah, youcan you totally but it's not the
(22:24):
only thing I have no idea what'sgoing to happen. And I joke with
some of my sober friends aboutrelapsing all the time. Like I'm
waiting to get nuked I'm likewaiting for the zombie
(22:44):
apocalypse because then I willgo relapse eat my brain I'm six
almost six years alcohol andhard drug free and I'm still
planning for the special daywhen I can go completely
obliterate my entire life. Likethat's never going away. It's
just not it's how I'm one butevery day I check in to see now
(23:05):
and because I've got the backlogof alcohol and drugs out of my
system I'm able to check in moreaccurately and that's what
everybody owes themselves islike a check in period so you
don't have to be sober I meanyou can do whatever you got
Danwon and you obviously welland whenever anybody tells me
(23:26):
that this is how I should dosomething I will immediately do
it the other way or like nagthem or something but in my in
my bad self in my insight self
Unknown (23:39):
but like
Alex Highsmith (23:41):
man given you're given your body just a chance to
be itself is is useful or it wasfor me
Tara Beckett (23:58):
I get really angry about the cracking open because
now I feel like I can't puteverything back in the air. So
it's like Am I just going tohave episodes like this my whole
life like is this is this what Isigned up for when I got honest
with myself?
Alex Highsmith (24:18):
That makes me want to cry I don't know why I
think I've totally been there. Ican I just kind of keep
repeating this. And I just hadlike I'm so thankful for my I
call it alcoholism. Now it'salcohol use disorder as another
way people are talking about it.
But like, I was like how am Igoing to live this way? I
(24:39):
literally could not even thinkof spending a day after another
day without my quote unquotemedicine right to make it okay,
right? Like how am I and I justI wish I could convey to like
everyone listening how differentI was because I can I cannot
believe it. And, and it wassimply because I just trusted
(25:04):
that I was going to stay that,you know, my physical body would
be there the next morning. Andlike, it just changed, like it
has nothing to do with us, Tara.
That's the other thing. Like weget out of the fucking way. It's
I don't know if it's God or likethe universe or Gaia, but like,
(25:26):
it's actually I got I havenothing to do with me, right?
Like it was I was controllingeverything and like, worried
about how I was gonna act andlike, worried about my episodes
because I didn't have episodes.
And like, it's so much biggerthan that. Like, when I stopped
focusing on my response to tolife, all I was left with was
(25:51):
life. Unlike life is manageable.
It's stupid, but it's boring,but it's manageable. I hated
being bored. I hated theminutiae of life. And that's
like, now, that's what I'm leftwith. Because I don't have
(26:16):
partying. But like, no joke,every, like, almost every moment
feels like I'm not like a party.
But it definitely feels like Ican survive it and maybe have
fun in it.
Tara Beckett (26:47):
Alex, if you could talk to your 18 year old self.
What would you tell her
Alex Highsmith (27:00):
don't sleep with the married guy. Don't first,
just straight up. And I guessthe thing under that is
respecting yourself is notboring. And that nobody's paying
(27:25):
attention to how much I drink orparty. And nobody is going to
notice
Unknown (27:36):
that I quit.
Alex Highsmith (27:39):
And that acting is just a job. And that like me
by myself, without anythingadded to it.
Unknown (27:54):
Is is really good.
Alex Highsmith (27:57):
And that if I stick with that person, I'm
gonna get friends. I'm gonna getto live in New York City. I'm
gonna meet the love of my life.
I'm gonna get a dog. I'm goingto be on a podcast talking about
stuff. I'm gonna like have agroup of people who want to know
what I think like, it's Oh, man,I wish I could have told that
(28:20):
girl to just like, hold on.
Yeah.
Tara Beckett (28:26):
Yeah. Can we talked a little bit about the
struggle, the daily struggle? Wetalked a little bit about maybe
the boringness of when you and Ihave taken away some of those
(28:46):
extremes. What is the light inyour life right now?
Alex Highsmith (28:57):
So people talked about this stuff when I was in
early days, and I tried drinkinga lot quitting a lot before I
got a stretch. And I was alwayslike, if you tell me that yoga,
or a bath will make me feelbetter. I will fuck you up. I
(29:18):
fucking hate that. And I stillhate it. I remember I was like,
had no money. I was sleeping onmy girlfriend's couch. God bless
her. She let me stay on hercouch. She was a few years older
than me. She moved to the citywith $10,000 Like, did not have
a drug or alcohol problem, whichI didn't even know was an
option. And she was like, noticethat I was frankly tweaking and
she was like, You should reallyjust try some, like sun
(29:40):
salutations to kill her. I swearto God in my like, I would have
done something. And it's justlike, that stuff doesn't. It
doesn't apply until until like alot of other basic needs are
met. Right? Yeah. Like I'm notgonna like how Have a fruity
(30:00):
bath with candles until I canfucking afford candles, or like
a quiet apartment or relax. Andthat being said, that's the shit
that I love now, like all these,but it built up to that I I went
from never from constantlyhaving an overdrawn bank account
(30:25):
and being woken up in the nightby the lies I had to keep
straights to people andemployers. So when I stopped
drinking and dropped it all thelies and pretending I, my light
was like a good night's sleep.
And like being able to look mymother in the eye. Those things
(30:49):
meant a lot. And I try not toforget that now. Because now I'm
at the point where I built mybank account up in the right
way. And I didn't skip any stepsI don't think aside from like,
being white and middle class anda woman, you know, like all that
stuff, but all that stuff. Butlike, I just, I did the next
(31:13):
right thing. That's what theytell you in my program. And
that's what I've heard in evenlike religious and philosophy,
philosophical conversations,just do the next right thing.
It's the next indicated thing.
And for me, after drinking dailyfor years and years and years,
(31:33):
the next right thing was like totake a shower, and to not drink.
And then slowly the next rightthing was get a job, but not
anywhere that I would maybe betriggered. So I got a really low
paying job at a coffee shop inthe morning. And I just knew I
needed to work. And and I did itfor a while and I met some good
(31:56):
people and one of the regularsat my coffee shop job was the
owner of a pet food company whoneeded a sales rep. And so he
hired me and I got this job thatI wasn't not qualified for at
all but I had a driver'slicense. And I was good to drive
now and I it was just crazy. SoI took that job. And and now my
(32:22):
light is like I got a dogbecause I had that job I've
always wanted like a baby butnot a baby. I really respect all
you moms out there. Oh my Godand I want one so bad but it's
not right in our life yet butlike, My dog is my light walking
around Prospect Park in themorning and not having a
(32:43):
hangover and not wishing that Iwas somebody else is my life.
Like it's very small stuff now.
Like my theatre company. I'm abig part I'm a really reliable
part of my theatre company. Thatis crazy to me like people have
to drag to rehearsals at the endof days and I was wasted like it
(33:03):
was such an opportunity and Ijust missed it so like the the
light changed Yes, the lightalways changed but there was
always a light for the day. If Ilooked for it perfect
Tara Beckett (33:39):
perfect for you What does let perfect burn mean?
Yes,
Alex Highsmith (33:43):
I've been thinking about this question
because I know you ask yourguests. What am I gonna say? I
think for me what perfect burnmeans let all of my preconceived
notions though because in mymind, whatever I've decided the
(34:09):
future is or whatever I'vedecided my ways is perfect.
That's that's why I decidedthat's why I envisioned it. But
as I get older and more sober Irealized that I envisioned it
that way because that's what Iknow. That's just that's what
(34:31):
I've seen. That's what I know.
And I don't know very much i I'mso glad I know that now and I'm
sure when I listen to this in 10years I'll be like shut up Alex.
You don't know anything. Youthink you know but you don't
call I hope I don't relapse.
(35:03):
What do you have? That is sogood that it can't get better
that there's no room forimprovement? And improvement
sounds boring too. I'm veryattuned to these words that are
like, Oh, work. And like, Ah, Ihave to, like, because work is
hard. Like, it's I don't want tobe like, I'm good how I am. But
(35:25):
like, you know, we all know weall need a lot of help. Yeah.
There are so many of us outthere that want to that want to
let go of what we think we'rejust like, I'm so thankful that
you've put this platform outhere to to lay it out there. I
think we really need it.
Tara Beckett (35:43):
Course. Yeah. And I think we really need your
voice and it takes a lot to comeon and give your story to
listeners. And I feel honored.
And also to just feel like eventhough our stories are not the
same, there's there's acommonality so I think you're
(36:05):
going to your story will alsohelp people who might be
struggling in a different way tojust know that there's someone
out there who's speaking truthand will make them feel seen and
heard. So it's a big deal, Alex,and I'm so thankful, man.
Alex Highsmith (36:23):
Thanks, Tara.
Birth
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