Teddy Frank is a Licensed Master Social Worker, a Reichian Psychotherapist with a love for leadership facilitation and coaching in the corporate arena. Teddy works locally with scientists from Colorado State University that are looking at diversity, equity, justice, and inclusion within academia. Teddy works with collective trauma healing and ancestral healing, including her own, on what she names “The Hera’s Journey.” Throughout the recording of her Let Perfect Burn episode, I kept thinking, “She does THAT too?” Teddy’s passions are boundless, her convictions pure and fiery and her quest to understand and intuit humanity is unlike any other person’s I have experienced in my lifetime.
Teddy grew up in a tumultuous and violent family where there was sexual abuse. But for Teddy, her homelife didn’t sink her, it activated her. “My awakening was at the age of 19 with the women’s movement. I mean, the feminist movement was in full swing. And I became a leader of grassroots community organizing, leading the whole on sexual crimes against women.”
Teddy is a healer by nature and so she couldn’t pass up the opportunity for us to be in dialogue together for this episode, creating a safe and grounded place for me to take a step toward. “I’m different than you, Tara, but you are also in me, and I am also in you.” We spoke about being a woman and a mother and that in society, staying good and staying quiet often leads to a wider acceptance. Daring to express pain and speaking truth to trauma rocks the boat, but it is an act that Teddy describes as ‘an awakening’ which is born out of “feeling the pain of not conforming, of questioning worth and value.”
And what was so moving was that after speaking with Teddy, I started to realize that my ‘falling apart’ was something so universal to being human and that my strength to buck the norm of the ‘perfect woman’ was dare I say it, heroic.
By the end of Teddy’s beautiful interview, I started using different words to speak to my mental health crisis, my hospitalization and my falling apart.
“I am on the Hera’s journey, and I have had an awakening that has irrevocably changed my life.”
Highlights from Teddy:
"I remember five years old, my mother was very depressed. And I was sitting at the kitchen table across from her, and she was looking off to the side. And I looked directly at her and I said, 'Mommy, are you mad at me?' And she brought her gaze back, and she said, now finally resting in my eyes, 'No, honey, why would you think that?' And I said, 'I can't see myself in your eyes.' And in that moment, my five year old wisdom self said, 'My mom is not available to me.' And that's when we start to say, 'Okay, I need to take care of myself.'"
"So in a moment, our nervous systems get wired for survival and says, 'It's not okay to express my needs.' And so we develop these patterns that become the cracks in our psyche, the shadows in our soul. And that's what we then ride upon as nice girls, or as high performers in the world. Or, as you know, the sort of conforming to the female notion, which changes culturally but by Western dominant male standard says, 'You don't express your needs too strongly, because then you're aggressive. She's aggressive, she's angry.'"
Don't Miss a Beat.
My Website, Let Perfect Burn:
https://letperfectburn.com/
Follow my Instagram for news from me, Tara Beckett:
https://www.instagram.com/letperfectburn/
Connect With Teddy Frank:
Her Website:
https://www.humanenergetics.com/
Her Li
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tara Beckett (00:23):
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett and welcome back to let
perfect burn.
My guest today is Teddy Frank, aLicensed Master social worker
rakin psychotherapist, who has alove for leadership,
facilitation and coaching in thecorporate arena. Teddy works
(00:44):
toward equity, justice andinclusion within academia as
well as collective traumahealing, and ancestral healing,
including her own on what shenames the hero's journey.
Throughout the recording of herepisode, I kept thinking she
does that to Teddy's passionsare boundless, her convictions,
(01:04):
pure and fiery and her quest tounderstand and Intuit humanity
is unlike any other person's Ihave experienced in my lifetime.
Teddy grew up in a tumultuousand violent family where there
was sexual abuse. But for Teddy,her home life didn't sink her it
activated her. My Awakening wasat the age of 19, the women's
(01:27):
movement. I mean, the feministmovement was in full swing, and
I became a leader of grassrootscommunity organizing, leading
the whole on sexual crimesagainst women. Teddy and I spoke
about being a woman and amother. And that in society
staying good and staying quietoften leads to a wider
acceptance. Daring to expresspain and speaking truth to
(01:51):
trauma rocks the boat, but it isan act that Teddy describes as
an awakening, which is born outof feeling the pain of not
conforming, of questioning,worth and value. And what was so
moving was that after speakingwith Teddy, I started to realize
that my falling apart wassomething so universal to being
(02:13):
human. And that my strength tobuck the norm of the perfect
woman was, dare I say it heroic.
By the end of Teddy's beautifulinterview, I started using
different words, to speak to mymental health crisis, my
hospitalization and my fallingapart. I am on the hero's
journey, and I have had anawakening that has irrevocably
(02:37):
changed my life.
Teddy Frank (02:52):
Welcome back, everyone, I'm Tara Beckett. And
this is let perfect burn. AndI'm really excited that you came
back. And I'm very happy thatyou get to share with my next
guest, which is Teddy Frank. AndTeddy is a lifelong spiritual
seeker. She loves peopleculture, the arts. She is a
(03:13):
student of human behavior. Andshe's a practitioner of the
continuously evolvingintegration of social justice,
mythical wisdom, creativity,transformational coaching and
group facilitation. And thatmight seem like a long
introduction for Teddy, but Iassure you she is every piece of
these words. So Teddy, welcome.
(03:36):
Thank you, Tara. And thank youfor that kind introduction. It's
exciting to be here. Yeah. Um,so Teddy, and I may or may not
work, you know, we're doing alittle experimentation. Today's
episode, I might participate inconversation more than I usually
do. Usually with let perfectburn. I like it to be about my
(03:58):
guest. And Teddy's challengingme a little bit to say, what if
we have more of a dialogue? AndI'm like, you know, I'm freaking
out. So the answer shouldprobably be yes.
Um, so, Teddy. You know, I wouldlove for you to expand a little
(04:21):
bit on your bio, just to give usa sense of, you know, what your
day to day looks like? Or whatdoes your professional and
personal and spiritual lifelooks like at this moment?
Yeah, absolutely terror. It'salways great to build ground and
build contexts. So by way ofgrounding. First off, speaking
(04:41):
of ground I live in northernrocky mountains of Colorado,
about two hours northwest ofDenver, and at about 7600 feet,
and this is where I live with myhusband and our dog Tony. We
moved from Amsterdam, where wewere living in, in Europe in
(05:07):
Amsterdam, when I was the GlobalHead of cultural transformation
for Philips, which is, for thosethat aren't familiar, used to be
a very big company is now muchmore focused on health care. And
that was an incredible episodein my life. Living in Europe was
fantastic. But you know, what'sfascinating about the
(05:29):
Netherlands is it is below sealevel. So hence the having to
come back up into the mountains.
Even though I was born andraised in New York, I am a
licensed master social worker, aReichian psychotherapist, which
means working through the body,what's often termed now these
days Cymatics. And I apply thatin one of my first loves group
(05:54):
facilitation. And I do a lot oftransformational leadership,
facilitation, as well asleadership coaching, primarily
in the corporate arena. And thenI have a very robust application
of collective trauma healingthat I do, did for many years
(06:15):
during the pandemic, severalyears, let's say, global groups
for all of us experiencing thatkind of collective trauma. And
currently, my work is focused alot on ancestral healing. And
doing some work with people inUkraine, who are obviously
(06:38):
dealing with a very real andcurrent war, and attempting to
create some level of normalityin the midst of a warzone. So
that's kind of some of the workI do as well as an application
with scientists, I love workingin innovation. So I do a lot of
(07:01):
work locally, with scientistsfrom Colorado State University,
that are looking at diversity,equity, justice, and inclusion
within academia, and also somevery cool innovations
environmentally about creatinghealthy environments,
(07:23):
particularly for marginalizedcommunities. So that's just a
little snippet of grounding.
Hopefully, we're our listeners,
Tara Beckett (07:33):
who Yeah, that's amazing. And where I go from
there is there's, you know,professionally, those are the
things that you do, but therehas to be a new passions that
brought you to those places. Socan you speak a little bit out,
you know, how you grew up? Or,you know, how you became a young
adult? And how you progressthrough to be all of these
(07:55):
roles?
Teddy Frank (07:56):
Hmm, yeah, you know, and the older we get, the
more we see the spiral in ourhero's journey, or for us, as
women our hero's journey, right?
So let me speak just a littlebit to this spirals, and to the
way in which that integrates inmy life now. So I grew up in a
Jewish middle class, suburb ofNew York City Place Called
(08:23):
nourish shell. And it was duringthat literal, I'm a baby boomer,
right. So it was literally thatboom of, you know, coming back
from World War Two GI Bill,allowing people to buy houses.
And I say, people, it wasprimarily to benefit white,
(08:43):
white folks. And so that enclaveI grew up in was really ruled by
conformity. And I would say, myfirst awakening, if I look at
kind of the call in the Harrisjourney, what called me was at
that beautiful age of 13. When Ilooked around, and I said, you
(09:07):
know, I am not down with thesevalues here. It was also a war.
It was, you know, the anti warmovement, the civil rights
movement. And I would say, Tarothat my awakening at that time,
was around social justice,because it happened that and
(09:29):
I'll just tell a brief storyhere that one of the most
seminal moments in the civilrights movement in this country
was the murder by the Ku KluxKlan of three young men.
Schwerner, Goodman and Cheney,Mississippi Burning is based on
(09:52):
that story. And Michaelshorteners mother was a teacher
are in our school, Mrs.
Schwerner Gus. So this happenedbefore I turned 13. I was much
younger. But somehow I knew thatMichael Schwerner, Andrew
Goodman, who was another Jewishboy from Queens, and James
(10:15):
Chaney, who was a local AfricanAmerican youth from Mississippi,
they were down there during theFreedom Summer to help register
black voters. And it was thoughtthat if they brought a lot of
white kids, you know, fromcolleges up north down to
Mississippi, as part of this,that it would certainly gained
(10:36):
national attention. But theorganizers were well aware of
the risks. And that event, themurder of those three young men
started my awakening that thenwhen Dr. Martin Luther King was
assassinated, really caused meto get very aligned with my
(10:57):
sense of purpose. And I became astudent, a lifelong student,
really a black culture, whichinforms a lot of my thinking,
and certainly the generativityof the music. At the same time,
I kind of fell upon a bookstorein New York City, and found yoga
(11:19):
in Raja Yoga and startedpracticing yoga. And then I was
doing poetry and music, and Igot my first guitar, started
writing songs. So those threads,you know, social justice,
creativity, you know, music,art, culture, and mysticism, is
(11:41):
exactly what's been my lifestrands. And then of course,
just to save myself coming outof a very tumultuous, troubled,
violent family becoming astudent of human behavior. So
the next I'll just give you theneck that big spirals the
(12:01):
awakenings was, yeah, the age of19 women's movement, I mean, the
feminist movement was in fullswing. And I became a leader at
the, you know, kind ofgrassroots community organizing
level, leading the whole trackon sexual crimes against women
(12:23):
for the International Women'stribunal modeled on the
Nuremberg trials in New YorkCity, and then a representative
in Mexico City, forInternational Women's here 1975,
just to route it, and gotexposed to what it really means
to become empowered as a woman,cross culturally, which is a
(12:46):
very different way of looking atthings. And using my music in
that regard. And then just forthe sake of brevity, my next
term, which is wild, andhopefully for our viewers gives
us the sense that ourparticipants are listeners that
you know, life is so exciting,and sometimes comes in divergent
(13:10):
ways. So that the experiencesthat form and shape our
character can often be somethingthat looks very, very different
than how we might see ourselves.
So I ended up in corporateAmerica as a corporate leader.
So I mentioned like leadershipdevelopment by Woodstock
friends, and you know, all theselongtime friends of mine in the
(13:34):
women's movement, were like,Teddy, really? What's up with
that? So that, you know, that'sjust like the humor of life and
fun journey. Yeah, that I left,as I mentioned, is about seven
years ago, I'm in that cycle andbringing all those threads
(13:54):
together in my life.
Tara Beckett (13:58):
Ah, I love that I love hearing your story and the
idea of the spiral, right? Andthat how, yeah, you can in
retrospect, you can see all thelittle pieces and that's, that's
really cool.
Teddy Frank (14:22):
I have to say, Terry, you know, with respect to
your, you know, podcast, and thewhole notion of, you know,
perfect and perfectionism thatI've always admired people who
are really clear, have a reallyclear path, you know, do their
(14:42):
thing and then just evolve inthat, you know, with no
disrespect, more linear way. Iam not one of those people. You
know, I've never seen myself asone of those people because you
No, because there's so much thatthe human body, the human
(15:05):
instrument, and the human soulcan encompass that it is a
matter of integration and focus.
But I just want to say somethingabout that. And I'm really
interested in hoping ourconversation we can touch on
what that means in relation toour internal sense of self, and
(15:26):
self definition, as humans aswomen, in how we pursue our
greatest expression of ouressence in the world. And so you
can hear from my journey, it'sactually quite nonconforming,
right. I love it.
Tara Beckett (15:50):
Yeah, I mean, it's interesting way to figure out
how you become an advocate. And,for me, I became an advocate,
because of my very small nuclearsort of falling apart and, and
trauma that, you know, a lot ofit revolved around COVID. But
(16:11):
now I take my mental healthexperience, and I say, Hang on,
there is no room to stigmatizethis, there is no room to not
talk to somebody about all thefactors that were part of that
sickness are that illness thatneeded medical attention, that
(16:34):
should be given the same careand compassion as anyone else
who walks into a hospital. Andso I have shivers right now,
because never in my life, have Ifelt so clear about the need for
what I received, and also theabsolute dismissal that it's
anything less than human andbrave, and I have no tolerance
(16:57):
for it.
Teddy Frank (16:59):
Mm hmm. no tolerance for
Tara Beckett (17:03):
no tolerance for attempting to use it as a
weapon. It's just not okay, youknow, we don't take other kinds
of illnesses or sicknesses ortraumatic responses in the body
as something that should beshameful. And unfortunately, the
it's I think it's considered ashameful, shameful diagnosis or
(17:26):
a shameful need for treatment.
Teddy Frank (17:29):
You know, it's so powerful and, you know, I'm sure
you've heard the words apply toyou brave, courageous, you know,
independent, but it reminds meof Gabor Mateus work right now
in Gabor Ma. Tei is, you know,very seminal leader in trauma
healing, a doctor has deep rootsin you know, in the European
(17:53):
Holocaust, and he talks aboutthe myth of normal, and that
sense, and I think you No, I'malso reminded of Sylvia Plath,
you know, the brilliance of thebell jar, and Virginia Woolf and
Violeta Parra and often seen asStorni and Argentinian poet,
(18:14):
women who came up against anorm, right. And I think this is
really powerful to talk to, youknow, as Gabor Ma Tei speaks
about the myth of normal, whatis normal, and that's when I
say, and I feel as I talk aboutthis, this fierceness this
passion, you know, which youasked about, and as I listened
(18:37):
to you, the fact of breakingopen, cracking, breaking open,
having moments or periods oftime, where we fall apart, you
know, Pema children with, youknow, when things fall apart,
(19:00):
and the wisdom of allowingourselves to really embrace
soften and include the cracks,the fissures, the pain, the
shadow, the trauma of what we'veexperienced in the world, both
individually as women, yourexperience around, you know,
(19:24):
your family motherhood, being ina kind of a domestic experience,
all of that is so powerful as ashaper for us as women, and then
our collective experience atthis moment in time of being
born into a very wounded world,the wisdom of our ability to
(19:50):
really pause, reflect, andinclude the grief, the terror
and the rage. That can Power,our integration as self embodied
self directed women. So I wantto honor that and make some
(20:12):
space for you, for everyonelistening for the women who are
feeling different, sometimesfeeling the pain of not
conforming, of questioning theirworth, their value, and the
(20:33):
terrible illness of comparingourselves to others, and finding
ourselves not worthy or notmatching some false ideal.
Tara Beckett (20:47):
Yeah, and, you know, my greatest hope for both
of my children is that they feelsafe enough to come to me and
say, Mom, I'm in so much pain,please help me. If they can do
that, yeah, I've done themajority of my work. And I
(21:08):
didn't have that available tome. I have wonderful parents.
But I grew up in a kind ofterror as a really happy really
good kid. I just didn't have itin me to say what I was going
through. And when I look back,and I look at all the little
tick marks of what happened tome leading up to my
(21:29):
hospitalization in September, Ithink to myself, because of that
perfectionism, that you held itall together, there is no human
being that would have been ableto take all of that, and not
have the same outcome of justsaying, I need to let this all
go, it's too much. So I thinkfor me, the destigmatizing needs
(21:50):
to happen is if people justwould listen and say, What have
you been through? You know, whatdid you have happened when you
were a child? What did you havehappen when you became a mother?
What did you have happen, youknow, with your partner, or your
job, or frickin fucking COVID, Imean, all of these things, if we
put them on our shoulders andexpect to carry them without
(22:12):
ever stopped smiling or taking arest, like, the outcome is
clear, and I will not live thatway ever again.
Teddy Frank (22:37):
De stigmatizing the falling apart. Right? The the
seeking of the resource ofsaying I'm not okay. Is, is
actually a sign of health.
Right? Correct. So when we'reable to say, and this is, you
know, I coach a lot of women inmy practice, and a lot of very
(23:00):
successful women, and the pointat which I enter their lives,
because you know, there's,there's always an attraction
when we get much moreintentional. So my, my way of
working is to really entersomebody's life at one of those
(23:20):
awakening moments, you know, inthe spine, one of those moments
of call, which is what you'redescribing, you know, that
sometimes the falling apart isthe awakening is entering the
dark night of the soul. It'sreally looking at I'm in pain,
and I'm not okay, because let'stalk for a moment, Tara about
(23:42):
what's normal. And whereperfectionism comes from, in a
way, right? Because that's thenature of your podcast. And it
is also something I've deeplyreflect reflected on in my life
in the way of saying, we developat a very young age from a
nervous system perspective, away to survive, right? So when
(24:06):
something happens in ourenvironment, and it doesn't have
to be catastrophic. It might bebut it might also be a kind of a
low level hum of, you know, mymother isn't coming when I call
or she doesn't feel like in mylife. I remember five years old,
my mother was very depressed.
(24:31):
And I was sitting at the kitchentable across from her, and she
was looking off to the side. AndI looked directly at her and I
said, Mommy, are you mad at me?
And she brought her gaze back,and she said, now finally
resting in my eyes. No, honey,why would you think that? And I
(24:55):
said, I can't see myself in youreyes. And in that moment, my
five year old wisdom self said,my mom is not available to
resource me. And that's when westart to say, Okay, I need to
(25:19):
take care of myself, which ofcourse, it starts earlier than
that, I need to be the one totake care of me and her, and
everybody is one expression of,I've got to be the one in
charge, I've got to be hypervigilant, I've got to really now
make sure that I don't expressmy needs, which I think is a
(25:45):
huge illness in our society, andoften is something that women
do, I'm going to be the one whois the resource for others. But
it depletes. It depletes usbecause it's actually an
abrogation of natural law, whichis I breathe out as a human co2,
(26:06):
the earth breathes out oxygen, Itake in oxygen as a resource.
And the earth takes and co2 as aresource, like the most
fundamental natural law is thatwe have reciprocal energy
exchange. So in a moment, ournervous systems get wired for
(26:30):
survival and say, it's not okayto express my needs. And so we
develop these patterns thatbecome the cracks in our psyche,
the shadows in our soul. Andthat's what we then ride upon as
nice girls, or as highperformers in the world. Or, as
you know, the sort of conformingto the female notion, which
(26:55):
changes culturally but byWestern dominant male standard
says, You don't express yourneeds too strongly, because then
you're aggressive, right? She'saggressive, she's angry, you
know, angry? Yeah. Yeah, youknow, she's angry, or, you know,
you don't express your emotions,because then you become
(27:19):
emotional, which is needed,right, which is sort of victime
or not allowed. And so the rangeof expression, and it certainly
affects males. I mean, this isnot female only is so narrow,
particularly in Westerndominated society here in the
US, let's say, is such a narrowrange, that we have to either
(27:41):
numb ourselves. Or if we becomeactivated, then we do the on
socially acceptable thing ofexpressing ourselves. And then
where does passion come in?
Where does art come in? Wheredoes love Come in? Where does
(28:01):
culture come in? Where doesempathy and caring for others
and standing up for justice comein? It comes in outside the
norm, and we relegate it, oh,that's arts and culture, or
that's, oh, that's politics or,and so what I'm saying is, the
whole stigmatization of thefalling apart is actually the
(28:25):
emergence of our deeperexpression of self and healing
as a way of saying, hey, youknow what, this ain't okay. And
I'm not okay. And I'm gonna callit out right now.
Tara Beckett (28:41):
Yeah. No, that's amazing, like thinking about,
you know, art or passion or lovelike that, it's actually should
belong in that full gamut,right? Like that. That's where
it's wrong. And awe that whenit's getting me, that would make
me really excited. I mean, Ithink when you're talking about
(29:02):
a young kid, you know, lookingback on my childhood, my
sister's four years younger, andthe story of her is that she
gave no shits, she'd get introuble. She'd go on one end,
she'd go on one end of herbedroom, and she would run like
bowl style, and then like head,like, throw herself against the
door. And this would go on forhours. And my mom would say, I
(29:25):
thought that like CPS was gonnaget called. And then I would
kind of look at that and go, Oh,that makes my mom really mad.
And like, I'm not going to dothat. I'm gonna go to my room,
whatever I'm told. And sort oflike self punish, and I'll stay
good. Yeah, and from that point,I learned over and over again,
(29:46):
you get a lot if you're good,like if you're so it just kicked
off my whole sort of persona ofthe person who doesn't quite say
anything and just keeps makingsure everybody's okay the room
is okay. If I've got enoughthings going on that are
positive that people can talkpositively about me. And now as
an adult, I look back and I'mlike, Damn, that girl had it
(30:09):
going on, you know, four yearsold, she let it rip. Yeah. And
that was awesome.
Teddy Frank (30:17):
Well, and that's a really poignant example, Tara of
activation, which you'redescribing your sister, you
know, she was activated, she wasexpressing no doubt for the
family, those things that werenot allowed, right, anger,
whatever frustration and maybeanxiety, and then the numbing
and absence in which youembodied, Oh, I better shut
(30:40):
down. And just, you know, bethat good girl. And, you know, I
think that is such a humanexpression. For, for me, it
manifested in my family, whichwas very violent, very violent
dad, and very scary place togrow up. And sexually abusive
(31:04):
place, it really comes down. AndI think this is the connection
and your story and my story, andanybody's story to safety. We
have to, from a nervous systemperspective, find some level of
survival. And I have a beautifulteacher, Thomas hubo, who's a
modern mystic. And he sayssomething so deeply touching
(31:28):
that, when we were in thatsituation, you may be witnessing
your older sister, me witnessingmy older brothers and sisters,
my dad, my mom, whatever age is,that was very young ages, we
felt it wasn't good to be here.
It wasn't safe to be here. Andso we went somewhere else and
(31:50):
buy this somewhere else. It isoften the numbing the absent
seeing the pushing down of thefear, right? Because that's
really the primary survivalmechanism is fear. And then
often disassociating. So this iswhat happens when we don't live
(32:12):
in the body, is now we're goingto use our minds as a way to
control things and push downfeelings in the body. So that's
the split between the head andthe body. And I think it's
extremely dominant in so calledwhite culture to assimilate. You
know, it means to deny the bodyto deny the emotions, for
(32:36):
example, growing up Jewishmiddle class, one of the things
you know, that we were taught,and it's a very, very mundane
thing, if you go to arestaurant, and you hear a glass
break, right, somebody drops aglass a way to break the glass.
The the directive is Don't look.
(32:57):
Don't look is that's low class,right? So it's a class, it's a
class thing. If you want to feelmore, you know, more
sophisticated, don't look, well,what does that do? It freezes
the neck for one thing, becauseyour natural tendency would be
to look, your survival mechanismis let me see where the danger
is coming from. You freeze youreyes, you have to freeze your
shoulders in your body, and youfreeze your response. And then
(33:21):
you go through life frozen, andletting your mind override. So
it's a it's a deeply patternedway of being, which is why I
love the work I do, because it'sabout getting back in the body,
and becoming more embodied tosay, You know what, I'm afraid
right now. It's what you wantyour kids to be able to do.
(33:44):
Right is to be able to say, I'mfeeling kind of anxious about
this test tomorrow. Or it's anew class. It's September and
Oh, you got you know, oh, it's anew grade, you know, you have
all this excitement. Yeah, Imaybe have a little social
anxiety, even if a kid can't saythat. Right? Yes, being
authentic and real, and who weare what we feel, and allowing
(34:09):
ourselves to be integratedphysically, emotionally,
mentally, using the beautifulbrain that we have in service,
of acknowledging how we feel,physically and emotionally, and
then our spiritual sense of ourgreatest expression from our
(34:31):
unique blueprint of how we enterthe world and how we interact.
relationally
Tara Beckett (34:38):
Mm hmm. Yeah. And what you were just saying about
kids or children, I feel like Ican buck the norms in my family
of how I parent and that Iparent, differently in a lot of
ways. In You know, allowingextreme anger if my child's
(35:04):
angry Yeah, as long as he isn'thurting anyone or hurting
anything, it's like, it's okayto sit in this right. And I
think it does come from thatplace of, to my best of my
ability, I'm hoping to let themtake something out, let the
steam out, I guess before itexplodes, you know, just based
(35:26):
on my own personal experience,but I think sometimes that can
get you a lot of looks,especially when you're in
public, and you're acknowledginglike, it's a tough moment, and
I'm not gonna hurry us out thedoor. We're gonna sit with it.
And then maybe when we can catchour breath, we'll leave, right?
Yeah, it's just a little bitdifferent.
Teddy Frank (35:45):
Totally. And, you know, I raised my kids, I love
children. I've always lovedchildren. And when I had my own
children, I have two sons, whoare now 31 and 33, almost 34,
and almost three to theirbirthdays are coming. You know,
the first thing is just, youknow, that empathizing of what
(36:07):
are they feeling right now? AndI would say to my husband, you
know, the first thing that Ilook at, if they're young and
crying, are they hungry? Yeah,yeah. Are they tired? You know,
assuming that they're not indiapers anymore, right? Those
out then what else is going on?
And what I found, interestingly,is my older son, I really had to
(36:30):
help encourage his expression,because he became very
accountable, very responsibleearly on, yeah, beautiful,
beautiful, beautiful soul,beautiful human being who is
extremely empathic, but not asexpressive, right? He, he really
holds. So it was allowingexpression, my younger son was
(36:51):
the reverse, like, he would, youknow, well, and so allowing that
expression, and then I found Ihad to really introduce calming
mechanisms for containing, socompletely opposite one
encouraging full expression, andthe other allowing the
expression but finding a way tohelp calm and contain. So you
(37:12):
know, I love what you're saying,which is you work with the
emotional temperament of yourchild in a way that serves them.
And we call it co regulates,right that if mom is okay, and
it could be primary caregiver,but if mom is okay, then we
become the safe harbor theanchor for our children. And
(37:38):
that's true for us as humanbeings, we need each other. The
older we grow, you know, in away, the more in a sense, we
become anchors for each other.
And I just want to mention,that's collective healing is
when we literally can becomeresources, and have and build
(38:02):
the capacity to hold the pain ofthe world in pockets, right, in
places that really move uswhether it's female empowerment,
which is a lot of the work, Ithink that you do. Gender
violence, which is a lot of thework, I've been involved in anti
racism, which is a lot of thework I'm involved in, to be able
(38:26):
to also hold that suffering andpain, like your child having a
meltdown. People are havingmeltdowns all over the world,
and we're having collectivemeltdowns. So we do it
individually familiarly. There'sa whole ancestral lineage that
comes into play. And then thatsense of the collective where do
(38:48):
I feel moved to be a hold ahost, which is why I love your
podcast so much, and why Iencourage you know, your
listeners to really not only youknow, listen and support, but
also extend if you feel thatthis is a place where you feel
held, because you Tara aresomebody who has opened a space
(39:13):
for women to heal, andspecifically around D
stigmatizing mental health,mental illness, wellness,
perfectionism, which is a kindof an illness, then spread the
word, spread the word and reallyallows you to become a
collective healing space.
Tara Beckett (39:33):
Yes, that's, that's the ultimate goal. You
know, it's like, you know, andI'm, I'm writing my memoir, I'm
hoping 2023 It's coming outFingers crossed. And this and
even social media, you know,it's all about for me, Hey, you
(39:53):
don't have to keep doing howwe've been doing it. Right.
Like, I am a far better man.
Other to my children after Godgoing through a mental health
crisis than I was, when theywere born. It's just because at
that point, I still couldn't tapinto all of the resources that I
had inside of me. I couldn'tthey were in a box, right? And
(40:14):
so in a lot of ways, I don'tthink I could give my children
everything that I had. And now Ican say, unequivocally, oh,
they've got 100% of me, thatdoesn't make me a perfect
parent. That doesn't make me aperfect mother. But I am they're
completely open and accessible.
(40:35):
And just to say, you know, what,if you think you need to mother
like a print Pinterest page? No.
It's a lie. It's a lie. Yeah. Soif we just started to say to
mothers, you know, especiallywith my memoir, if, if somebody
could pick it up, and an OB GYNoffice at their six week
(40:55):
appointment, where theybasically say, Thanks for
shooting out the kid, see youlater, you're cleared to have a
penis inside of you again. Andif they had my book, and to say,
It's okay, if you're a mess,just because they said, you
know, sort of discarded you andsay peace out have fun. Like,
you are allowed to say, I'm notbetter yet. I'm not there yet.
(41:16):
I'm not connected to my childyet. Breastfeeding sucks, like,
just to be able to say, use yourvoice new mothers, I swear to
God, I didn't. But if you do,I've done my job.
Teddy Frank (41:30):
Yeah. Well, it's touching, as you say that, you
know, and to really feel theisolation of new mothers and
have the birthing experienceoften. One thing I would say
from my experience is that womentogether are so powerful, that
(41:52):
collectivizing, who we are aswomen, which is why I run the
groups I run, and also move intothis sense of separation is, in
fact, a symptom of trauma. Thatis one of the deepest symptoms
of trauma, regardless of how itgets expressed. And to recognize
(42:16):
that So becoming unifiedourselves personally, which is
through therapy, throughcounseling, right, through
support groups, and then beingable to connect relationally.
That's what I meant by COregulation, in collective
spaces. For women, to be able todo that with women, is an
(42:38):
amazing healing experience. So Idefinitely encourage it's
wonderful. You're writing yourmemoirs, you know, I continue to
do my music, my poetry, myfacilitation, my workshops, my
individual coaching, because forme, healing is all about
(43:00):
integration, and healing,separation with self and with
others, and that really elevatesour sense of wholeness and of
uniqueness, and allowingourselves to be us, which by
nature, is different. I'mdifferent than you, Tara. And
(43:21):
you are also in me, and I amright. So in you. So it's the
uniqueness and the connection.
So hopefully, yes, just from ourbrief conversation together
today, you know, your listeners,I mean, it elevates me to talk
to you to see the light in youreyes, and the pain and include
(43:42):
that in my experience of you.
And hopefully, you know, yourexperience of me. As you Yeah,
it's me in that for yourlisteners to really feel this is
a healing space of integratingself and relating and connecting
(44:03):
relationally with others.
Tara Beckett (44:16):
Ah, Teddy, thank you. And I've been so honored to
have this chat with you thisconversation and yeah, it does
feel like I've never thought ofthe podcast that way. But like
an opening of a door and saying,I want to hear from you. If you
have a story that you'd like totell, please reach out. Because
that would be the ultimate goalthat you know, we just keep this
(44:38):
momentum of these voices coming.
That would be amazing. And so Iend every episode with the
question of, you know, Teddy,what does let perfect burn mean
to you?
Teddy Frank (44:53):
Hmm. I love that title. You know, it's really
having In the incendiaryfierceness of the passion as a
woman to say, Fuck normal, thehell with conformity, and yet
(45:18):
into that alive, vibrant, vitalsense of essence, who am I, as a
unique blueprint, an expressionof universal energy that can
(45:43):
become more and more who I wasmeant to be, who I was born to
be, not who I was conditionedand conformed to be who I am on
norm to be who I am, in all myre form, transform me. That's
(46:09):
what needs to me,Teddy, thank you. Thank you and
everybody, Teddy Frank. Youknow, there's gonna be
information of how to check herout. And I have some personal
friends and people I know thathave worked with her and every
single person is like, it wasamazing. So definitely, you
know, she's there. So, thank youso much, Teddy.
(46:32):
Thank you, Tara.
Perfect.
Hi, I'm Tara Beckett and welcome back to let
perfect burn.
My guest today is Teddy Frank, aLicensed Master social worker
rakin psychotherapist, who has alove for leadership,
facilitation and coaching in thecorporate arena. Teddy works
(00:44):
toward equity, justice andinclusion within academia as
well as collective traumahealing, and ancestral healing,
including her own on what shenames the hero's journey.
Throughout the recording of herepisode, I kept thinking she
does that to Teddy's passionsare boundless, her convictions,
(01:04):
pure and fiery and her quest tounderstand and Intuit humanity
is unlike any other person's Ihave experienced in my lifetime.
Teddy grew up in a tumultuousand violent family where there
was sexual abuse. But for Teddy,her home life didn't sink her it
activated her. My Awakening wasat the age of 19, the women's
(01:27):
movement. I mean, the feministmovement was in full swing, and
I became a leader of grassrootscommunity organizing, leading
the whole on sexual crimesagainst women. Teddy and I spoke
about being a woman and amother. And that in society
staying good and staying quietoften leads to a wider
acceptance. Daring to expresspain and speaking truth to
(01:51):
trauma rocks the boat, but it isan act that Teddy describes as
an awakening, which is born outof feeling the pain of not
conforming, of questioning,worth and value. And what was so
moving was that after speakingwith Teddy, I started to realize
that my falling apart wassomething so universal to being
(02:13):
human. And that my strength tobuck the norm of the perfect
woman was, dare I say it heroic.
By the end of Teddy's beautifulinterview, I started using
different words, to speak to mymental health crisis, my
hospitalization and my fallingapart. I am on the hero's
journey, and I have had anawakening that has irrevocably
(02:37):
changed my life.
Teddy Frank (02:52):
Welcome back, everyone, I'm Tara Beckett. And
this is let perfect burn. AndI'm really excited that you came
back. And I'm very happy thatyou get to share with my next
guest, which is Teddy Frank. AndTeddy is a lifelong spiritual
seeker. She loves peopleculture, the arts. She is a
(03:13):
student of human behavior. Andshe's a practitioner of the
continuously evolvingintegration of social justice,
mythical wisdom, creativity,transformational coaching and
group facilitation. And thatmight seem like a long
introduction for Teddy, but Iassure you she is every piece of
these words. So Teddy, welcome.
(03:36):
Thank you, Tara. And thank youfor that kind introduction. It's
exciting to be here. Yeah. Um,so Teddy, and I may or may not
work, you know, we're doing alittle experimentation. Today's
episode, I might participate inconversation more than I usually
do. Usually with let perfectburn. I like it to be about my
(03:58):
guest. And Teddy's challengingme a little bit to say, what if
we have more of a dialogue? AndI'm like, you know, I'm freaking
out. So the answer shouldprobably be yes.
Um, so, Teddy. You know, I wouldlove for you to expand a little
(04:21):
bit on your bio, just to give usa sense of, you know, what your
day to day looks like? Or whatdoes your professional and
personal and spiritual lifelooks like at this moment?
Yeah, absolutely terror. It'salways great to build ground and
build contexts. So by way ofgrounding. First off, speaking
(04:41):
of ground I live in northernrocky mountains of Colorado,
about two hours northwest ofDenver, and at about 7600 feet,
and this is where I live with myhusband and our dog Tony. We
moved from Amsterdam, where wewere living in, in Europe in
(05:07):
Amsterdam, when I was the GlobalHead of cultural transformation
for Philips, which is, for thosethat aren't familiar, used to be
a very big company is now muchmore focused on health care. And
that was an incredible episodein my life. Living in Europe was
fantastic. But you know, what'sfascinating about the
(05:29):
Netherlands is it is below sealevel. So hence the having to
come back up into the mountains.
Even though I was born andraised in New York, I am a
licensed master social worker, aReichian psychotherapist, which
means working through the body,what's often termed now these
days Cymatics. And I apply thatin one of my first loves group
(05:54):
facilitation. And I do a lot oftransformational leadership,
facilitation, as well asleadership coaching, primarily
in the corporate arena. And thenI have a very robust application
of collective trauma healingthat I do, did for many years
(06:15):
during the pandemic, severalyears, let's say, global groups
for all of us experiencing thatkind of collective trauma. And
currently, my work is focused alot on ancestral healing. And
doing some work with people inUkraine, who are obviously
(06:38):
dealing with a very real andcurrent war, and attempting to
create some level of normalityin the midst of a warzone. So
that's kind of some of the workI do as well as an application
with scientists, I love workingin innovation. So I do a lot of
(07:01):
work locally, with scientistsfrom Colorado State University,
that are looking at diversity,equity, justice, and inclusion
within academia, and also somevery cool innovations
environmentally about creatinghealthy environments,
(07:23):
particularly for marginalizedcommunities. So that's just a
little snippet of grounding.
Hopefully, we're our listeners,
Tara Beckett (07:33):
who Yeah, that's amazing. And where I go from
there is there's, you know,professionally, those are the
things that you do, but therehas to be a new passions that
brought you to those places. Socan you speak a little bit out,
you know, how you grew up? Or,you know, how you became a young
adult? And how you progressthrough to be all of these
(07:55):
roles?
Teddy Frank (07:56):
Hmm, yeah, you know, and the older we get, the
more we see the spiral in ourhero's journey, or for us, as
women our hero's journey, right?
So let me speak just a littlebit to this spirals, and to the
way in which that integrates inmy life now. So I grew up in a
Jewish middle class, suburb ofNew York City Place Called
(08:23):
nourish shell. And it was duringthat literal, I'm a baby boomer,
right. So it was literally thatboom of, you know, coming back
from World War Two GI Bill,allowing people to buy houses.
And I say, people, it wasprimarily to benefit white,
(08:43):
white folks. And so that enclaveI grew up in was really ruled by
conformity. And I would say, myfirst awakening, if I look at
kind of the call in the Harrisjourney, what called me was at
that beautiful age of 13. When Ilooked around, and I said, you
(09:07):
know, I am not down with thesevalues here. It was also a war.
It was, you know, the anti warmovement, the civil rights
movement. And I would say, Tarothat my awakening at that time,
was around social justice,because it happened that and
(09:29):
I'll just tell a brief storyhere that one of the most
seminal moments in the civilrights movement in this country
was the murder by the Ku KluxKlan of three young men.
Schwerner, Goodman and Cheney,Mississippi Burning is based on
(09:52):
that story. And Michaelshorteners mother was a teacher
are in our school, Mrs.
Schwerner Gus. So this happenedbefore I turned 13. I was much
younger. But somehow I knew thatMichael Schwerner, Andrew
Goodman, who was another Jewishboy from Queens, and James
(10:15):
Chaney, who was a local AfricanAmerican youth from Mississippi,
they were down there during theFreedom Summer to help register
black voters. And it was thoughtthat if they brought a lot of
white kids, you know, fromcolleges up north down to
Mississippi, as part of this,that it would certainly gained
(10:36):
national attention. But theorganizers were well aware of
the risks. And that event, themurder of those three young men
started my awakening that thenwhen Dr. Martin Luther King was
assassinated, really caused meto get very aligned with my
(10:57):
sense of purpose. And I became astudent, a lifelong student,
really a black culture, whichinforms a lot of my thinking,
and certainly the generativityof the music. At the same time,
I kind of fell upon a bookstorein New York City, and found yoga
(11:19):
in Raja Yoga and startedpracticing yoga. And then I was
doing poetry and music, and Igot my first guitar, started
writing songs. So those threads,you know, social justice,
creativity, you know, music,art, culture, and mysticism, is
(11:41):
exactly what's been my lifestrands. And then of course,
just to save myself coming outof a very tumultuous, troubled,
violent family becoming astudent of human behavior. So
the next I'll just give you theneck that big spirals the
(12:01):
awakenings was, yeah, the age of19 women's movement, I mean, the
feminist movement was in fullswing. And I became a leader at
the, you know, kind ofgrassroots community organizing
level, leading the whole trackon sexual crimes against women
(12:23):
for the International Women'stribunal modeled on the
Nuremberg trials in New YorkCity, and then a representative
in Mexico City, forInternational Women's here 1975,
just to route it, and gotexposed to what it really means
to become empowered as a woman,cross culturally, which is a
(12:46):
very different way of looking atthings. And using my music in
that regard. And then just forthe sake of brevity, my next
term, which is wild, andhopefully for our viewers gives
us the sense that ourparticipants are listeners that
you know, life is so exciting,and sometimes comes in divergent
(13:10):
ways. So that the experiencesthat form and shape our
character can often be somethingthat looks very, very different
than how we might see ourselves.
So I ended up in corporateAmerica as a corporate leader.
So I mentioned like leadershipdevelopment by Woodstock
friends, and you know, all theselongtime friends of mine in the
(13:34):
women's movement, were like,Teddy, really? What's up with
that? So that, you know, that'sjust like the humor of life and
fun journey. Yeah, that I left,as I mentioned, is about seven
years ago, I'm in that cycle andbringing all those threads
(13:54):
together in my life.
Tara Beckett (13:58):
Ah, I love that I love hearing your story and the
idea of the spiral, right? Andthat how, yeah, you can in
retrospect, you can see all thelittle pieces and that's, that's
really cool.
Teddy Frank (14:22):
I have to say, Terry, you know, with respect to
your, you know, podcast, and thewhole notion of, you know,
perfect and perfectionism thatI've always admired people who
are really clear, have a reallyclear path, you know, do their
(14:42):
thing and then just evolve inthat, you know, with no
disrespect, more linear way. Iam not one of those people. You
know, I've never seen myself asone of those people because you
No, because there's so much thatthe human body, the human
(15:05):
instrument, and the human soulcan encompass that it is a
matter of integration and focus.
But I just want to say somethingabout that. And I'm really
interested in hoping ourconversation we can touch on
what that means in relation toour internal sense of self, and
(15:26):
self definition, as humans aswomen, in how we pursue our
greatest expression of ouressence in the world. And so you
can hear from my journey, it'sactually quite nonconforming,
right. I love it.
Tara Beckett (15:50):
Yeah, I mean, it's interesting way to figure out
how you become an advocate. And,for me, I became an advocate,
because of my very small nuclearsort of falling apart and, and
trauma that, you know, a lot ofit revolved around COVID. But
(16:11):
now I take my mental healthexperience, and I say, Hang on,
there is no room to stigmatizethis, there is no room to not
talk to somebody about all thefactors that were part of that
sickness are that illness thatneeded medical attention, that
(16:34):
should be given the same careand compassion as anyone else
who walks into a hospital. Andso I have shivers right now,
because never in my life, have Ifelt so clear about the need for
what I received, and also theabsolute dismissal that it's
anything less than human andbrave, and I have no tolerance
(16:57):
for it.
Teddy Frank (16:59):
Mm hmm. no tolerance for
Tara Beckett (17:03):
no tolerance for attempting to use it as a
weapon. It's just not okay, youknow, we don't take other kinds
of illnesses or sicknesses ortraumatic responses in the body
as something that should beshameful. And unfortunately, the
it's I think it's considered ashameful, shameful diagnosis or
(17:26):
a shameful need for treatment.
Teddy Frank (17:29):
You know, it's so powerful and, you know, I'm sure
you've heard the words apply toyou brave, courageous, you know,
independent, but it reminds meof Gabor Mateus work right now
in Gabor Ma. Tei is, you know,very seminal leader in trauma
healing, a doctor has deep rootsin you know, in the European
(17:53):
Holocaust, and he talks aboutthe myth of normal, and that
sense, and I think you No, I'malso reminded of Sylvia Plath,
you know, the brilliance of thebell jar, and Virginia Woolf and
Violeta Parra and often seen asStorni and Argentinian poet,
(18:14):
women who came up against anorm, right. And I think this is
really powerful to talk to, youknow, as Gabor Ma Tei speaks
about the myth of normal, whatis normal, and that's when I
say, and I feel as I talk aboutthis, this fierceness this
passion, you know, which youasked about, and as I listened
(18:37):
to you, the fact of breakingopen, cracking, breaking open,
having moments or periods oftime, where we fall apart, you
know, Pema children with, youknow, when things fall apart,
(19:00):
and the wisdom of allowingourselves to really embrace
soften and include the cracks,the fissures, the pain, the
shadow, the trauma of what we'veexperienced in the world, both
individually as women, yourexperience around, you know,
(19:24):
your family motherhood, being ina kind of a domestic experience,
all of that is so powerful as ashaper for us as women, and then
our collective experience atthis moment in time of being
born into a very wounded world,the wisdom of our ability to
(19:50):
really pause, reflect, andinclude the grief, the terror
and the rage. That can Power,our integration as self embodied
self directed women. So I wantto honor that and make some
(20:12):
space for you, for everyonelistening for the women who are
feeling different, sometimesfeeling the pain of not
conforming, of questioning theirworth, their value, and the
(20:33):
terrible illness of comparingourselves to others, and finding
ourselves not worthy or notmatching some false ideal.
Tara Beckett (20:47):
Yeah, and, you know, my greatest hope for both
of my children is that they feelsafe enough to come to me and
say, Mom, I'm in so much pain,please help me. If they can do
that, yeah, I've done themajority of my work. And I
(21:08):
didn't have that available tome. I have wonderful parents.
But I grew up in a kind ofterror as a really happy really
good kid. I just didn't have itin me to say what I was going
through. And when I look back,and I look at all the little
tick marks of what happened tome leading up to my
(21:29):
hospitalization in September, Ithink to myself, because of that
perfectionism, that you held itall together, there is no human
being that would have been ableto take all of that, and not
have the same outcome of justsaying, I need to let this all
go, it's too much. So I thinkfor me, the destigmatizing needs
(21:50):
to happen is if people justwould listen and say, What have
you been through? You know, whatdid you have happened when you
were a child? What did you havehappen when you became a mother?
What did you have happen, youknow, with your partner, or your
job, or frickin fucking COVID, Imean, all of these things, if we
put them on our shoulders andexpect to carry them without
(22:12):
ever stopped smiling or taking arest, like, the outcome is
clear, and I will not live thatway ever again.
Teddy Frank (22:37):
De stigmatizing the falling apart. Right? The the
seeking of the resource ofsaying I'm not okay. Is, is
actually a sign of health.
Right? Correct. So when we'reable to say, and this is, you
know, I coach a lot of women inmy practice, and a lot of very
(23:00):
successful women, and the pointat which I enter their lives,
because you know, there's,there's always an attraction
when we get much moreintentional. So my, my way of
working is to really entersomebody's life at one of those
(23:20):
awakening moments, you know, inthe spine, one of those moments
of call, which is what you'redescribing, you know, that
sometimes the falling apart isthe awakening is entering the
dark night of the soul. It'sreally looking at I'm in pain,
and I'm not okay, because let'stalk for a moment, Tara about
(23:42):
what's normal. And whereperfectionism comes from, in a
way, right? Because that's thenature of your podcast. And it
is also something I've deeplyreflect reflected on in my life
in the way of saying, we developat a very young age from a
nervous system perspective, away to survive, right? So when
(24:06):
something happens in ourenvironment, and it doesn't have
to be catastrophic. It might bebut it might also be a kind of a
low level hum of, you know, mymother isn't coming when I call
or she doesn't feel like in mylife. I remember five years old,
my mother was very depressed.
(24:31):
And I was sitting at the kitchentable across from her, and she
was looking off to the side. AndI looked directly at her and I
said, Mommy, are you mad at me?
And she brought her gaze back,and she said, now finally
resting in my eyes. No, honey,why would you think that? And I
(24:55):
said, I can't see myself in youreyes. And in that moment, my
five year old wisdom self said,my mom is not available to
resource me. And that's when westart to say, Okay, I need to
(25:19):
take care of myself, which ofcourse, it starts earlier than
that, I need to be the one totake care of me and her, and
everybody is one expression of,I've got to be the one in
charge, I've got to be hypervigilant, I've got to really now
make sure that I don't expressmy needs, which I think is a
(25:45):
huge illness in our society, andoften is something that women
do, I'm going to be the one whois the resource for others. But
it depletes. It depletes usbecause it's actually an
abrogation of natural law, whichis I breathe out as a human co2,
(26:06):
the earth breathes out oxygen, Itake in oxygen as a resource.
And the earth takes and co2 as aresource, like the most
fundamental natural law is thatwe have reciprocal energy
exchange. So in a moment, ournervous systems get wired for
(26:30):
survival and say, it's not okayto express my needs. And so we
develop these patterns thatbecome the cracks in our psyche,
the shadows in our soul. Andthat's what we then ride upon as
nice girls, or as highperformers in the world. Or, as
you know, the sort of conformingto the female notion, which
(26:55):
changes culturally but byWestern dominant male standard
says, You don't express yourneeds too strongly, because then
you're aggressive, right? She'saggressive, she's angry, you
know, angry? Yeah. Yeah, youknow, she's angry, or, you know,
you don't express your emotions,because then you become
(27:19):
emotional, which is needed,right, which is sort of victime
or not allowed. And so the rangeof expression, and it certainly
affects males. I mean, this isnot female only is so narrow,
particularly in Westerndominated society here in the
US, let's say, is such a narrowrange, that we have to either
(27:41):
numb ourselves. Or if we becomeactivated, then we do the on
socially acceptable thing ofexpressing ourselves. And then
where does passion come in?
Where does art come in? Wheredoes love Come in? Where does
(28:01):
culture come in? Where doesempathy and caring for others
and standing up for justice comein? It comes in outside the
norm, and we relegate it, oh,that's arts and culture, or
that's, oh, that's politics or,and so what I'm saying is, the
whole stigmatization of thefalling apart is actually the
(28:25):
emergence of our deeperexpression of self and healing
as a way of saying, hey, youknow what, this ain't okay. And
I'm not okay. And I'm gonna callit out right now.
Tara Beckett (28:41):
Yeah. No, that's amazing, like thinking about,
you know, art or passion or lovelike that, it's actually should
belong in that full gamut,right? Like that. That's where
it's wrong. And awe that whenit's getting me, that would make
me really excited. I mean, Ithink when you're talking about
(29:02):
a young kid, you know, lookingback on my childhood, my
sister's four years younger, andthe story of her is that she
gave no shits, she'd get introuble. She'd go on one end,
she'd go on one end of herbedroom, and she would run like
bowl style, and then like head,like, throw herself against the
door. And this would go on forhours. And my mom would say, I
(29:25):
thought that like CPS was gonnaget called. And then I would
kind of look at that and go, Oh,that makes my mom really mad.
And like, I'm not going to dothat. I'm gonna go to my room,
whatever I'm told. And sort oflike self punish, and I'll stay
good. Yeah, and from that point,I learned over and over again,
(29:46):
you get a lot if you're good,like if you're so it just kicked
off my whole sort of persona ofthe person who doesn't quite say
anything and just keeps makingsure everybody's okay the room
is okay. If I've got enoughthings going on that are
positive that people can talkpositively about me. And now as
an adult, I look back and I'mlike, Damn, that girl had it
(30:09):
going on, you know, four yearsold, she let it rip. Yeah. And
that was awesome.
Teddy Frank (30:17):
Well, and that's a really poignant example, Tara of
activation, which you'redescribing your sister, you
know, she was activated, she wasexpressing no doubt for the
family, those things that werenot allowed, right, anger,
whatever frustration and maybeanxiety, and then the numbing
and absence in which youembodied, Oh, I better shut
(30:40):
down. And just, you know, bethat good girl. And, you know, I
think that is such a humanexpression. For, for me, it
manifested in my family, whichwas very violent, very violent
dad, and very scary place togrow up. And sexually abusive
(31:04):
place, it really comes down. AndI think this is the connection
and your story and my story, andanybody's story to safety. We
have to, from a nervous systemperspective, find some level of
survival. And I have a beautifulteacher, Thomas hubo, who's a
modern mystic. And he sayssomething so deeply touching
(31:28):
that, when we were in thatsituation, you may be witnessing
your older sister, me witnessingmy older brothers and sisters,
my dad, my mom, whatever age is,that was very young ages, we
felt it wasn't good to be here.
It wasn't safe to be here. Andso we went somewhere else and
(31:50):
buy this somewhere else. It isoften the numbing the absent
seeing the pushing down of thefear, right? Because that's
really the primary survivalmechanism is fear. And then
often disassociating. So this iswhat happens when we don't live
(32:12):
in the body, is now we're goingto use our minds as a way to
control things and push downfeelings in the body. So that's
the split between the head andthe body. And I think it's
extremely dominant in so calledwhite culture to assimilate. You
know, it means to deny the bodyto deny the emotions, for
(32:36):
example, growing up Jewishmiddle class, one of the things
you know, that we were taught,and it's a very, very mundane
thing, if you go to arestaurant, and you hear a glass
break, right, somebody drops aglass a way to break the glass.
The the directive is Don't look.
(32:57):
Don't look is that's low class,right? So it's a class, it's a
class thing. If you want to feelmore, you know, more
sophisticated, don't look, well,what does that do? It freezes
the neck for one thing, becauseyour natural tendency would be
to look, your survival mechanismis let me see where the danger
is coming from. You freeze youreyes, you have to freeze your
shoulders in your body, and youfreeze your response. And then
(33:21):
you go through life frozen, andletting your mind override. So
it's a it's a deeply patternedway of being, which is why I
love the work I do, because it'sabout getting back in the body,
and becoming more embodied tosay, You know what, I'm afraid
right now. It's what you wantyour kids to be able to do.
(33:44):
Right is to be able to say, I'mfeeling kind of anxious about
this test tomorrow. Or it's anew class. It's September and
Oh, you got you know, oh, it's anew grade, you know, you have
all this excitement. Yeah, Imaybe have a little social
anxiety, even if a kid can't saythat. Right? Yes, being
authentic and real, and who weare what we feel, and allowing
(34:09):
ourselves to be integratedphysically, emotionally,
mentally, using the beautifulbrain that we have in service,
of acknowledging how we feel,physically and emotionally, and
then our spiritual sense of ourgreatest expression from our
(34:31):
unique blueprint of how we enterthe world and how we interact.
relationally
Tara Beckett (34:38):
Mm hmm. Yeah. And what you were just saying about
kids or children, I feel like Ican buck the norms in my family
of how I parent and that Iparent, differently in a lot of
ways. In You know, allowingextreme anger if my child's
(35:04):
angry Yeah, as long as he isn'thurting anyone or hurting
anything, it's like, it's okayto sit in this right. And I
think it does come from thatplace of, to my best of my
ability, I'm hoping to let themtake something out, let the
steam out, I guess before itexplodes, you know, just based
(35:26):
on my own personal experience,but I think sometimes that can
get you a lot of looks,especially when you're in
public, and you're acknowledginglike, it's a tough moment, and
I'm not gonna hurry us out thedoor. We're gonna sit with it.
And then maybe when we can catchour breath, we'll leave, right?
Yeah, it's just a little bitdifferent.
Teddy Frank (35:45):
Totally. And, you know, I raised my kids, I love
children. I've always lovedchildren. And when I had my own
children, I have two sons, whoare now 31 and 33, almost 34,
and almost three to theirbirthdays are coming. You know,
the first thing is just, youknow, that empathizing of what
(36:07):
are they feeling right now? AndI would say to my husband, you
know, the first thing that Ilook at, if they're young and
crying, are they hungry? Yeah,yeah. Are they tired? You know,
assuming that they're not indiapers anymore, right? Those
out then what else is going on?
And what I found, interestingly,is my older son, I really had to
(36:30):
help encourage his expression,because he became very
accountable, very responsibleearly on, yeah, beautiful,
beautiful, beautiful soul,beautiful human being who is
extremely empathic, but not asexpressive, right? He, he really
holds. So it was allowingexpression, my younger son was
(36:51):
the reverse, like, he would, youknow, well, and so allowing that
expression, and then I found Ihad to really introduce calming
mechanisms for containing, socompletely opposite one
encouraging full expression, andthe other allowing the
expression but finding a way tohelp calm and contain. So you
(37:12):
know, I love what you're saying,which is you work with the
emotional temperament of yourchild in a way that serves them.
And we call it co regulates,right that if mom is okay, and
it could be primary caregiver,but if mom is okay, then we
become the safe harbor theanchor for our children. And
(37:38):
that's true for us as humanbeings, we need each other. The
older we grow, you know, in away, the more in a sense, we
become anchors for each other.
And I just want to mention,that's collective healing is
when we literally can becomeresources, and have and build
(38:02):
the capacity to hold the pain ofthe world in pockets, right, in
places that really move uswhether it's female empowerment,
which is a lot of the work, Ithink that you do. Gender
violence, which is a lot of thework, I've been involved in anti
racism, which is a lot of thework I'm involved in, to be able
(38:26):
to also hold that suffering andpain, like your child having a
meltdown. People are havingmeltdowns all over the world,
and we're having collectivemeltdowns. So we do it
individually familiarly. There'sa whole ancestral lineage that
comes into play. And then thatsense of the collective where do
(38:48):
I feel moved to be a hold ahost, which is why I love your
podcast so much, and why Iencourage you know, your
listeners to really not only youknow, listen and support, but
also extend if you feel thatthis is a place where you feel
held, because you Tara aresomebody who has opened a space
(39:13):
for women to heal, andspecifically around D
stigmatizing mental health,mental illness, wellness,
perfectionism, which is a kindof an illness, then spread the
word, spread the word and reallyallows you to become a
collective healing space.
Tara Beckett (39:33):
Yes, that's, that's the ultimate goal. You
know, it's like, you know, andI'm, I'm writing my memoir, I'm
hoping 2023 It's coming outFingers crossed. And this and
even social media, you know,it's all about for me, Hey, you
(39:53):
don't have to keep doing howwe've been doing it. Right.
Like, I am a far better man.
Other to my children after Godgoing through a mental health
crisis than I was, when theywere born. It's just because at
that point, I still couldn't tapinto all of the resources that I
had inside of me. I couldn'tthey were in a box, right? And
(40:14):
so in a lot of ways, I don'tthink I could give my children
everything that I had. And now Ican say, unequivocally, oh,
they've got 100% of me, thatdoesn't make me a perfect
parent. That doesn't make me aperfect mother. But I am they're
completely open and accessible.
(40:35):
And just to say, you know, what,if you think you need to mother
like a print Pinterest page? No.
It's a lie. It's a lie. Yeah. Soif we just started to say to
mothers, you know, especiallywith my memoir, if, if somebody
could pick it up, and an OB GYNoffice at their six week
(40:55):
appointment, where theybasically say, Thanks for
shooting out the kid, see youlater, you're cleared to have a
penis inside of you again. Andif they had my book, and to say,
It's okay, if you're a mess,just because they said, you
know, sort of discarded you andsay peace out have fun. Like,
you are allowed to say, I'm notbetter yet. I'm not there yet.
(41:16):
I'm not connected to my childyet. Breastfeeding sucks, like,
just to be able to say, use yourvoice new mothers, I swear to
God, I didn't. But if you do,I've done my job.
Teddy Frank (41:30):
Yeah. Well, it's touching, as you say that, you
know, and to really feel theisolation of new mothers and
have the birthing experienceoften. One thing I would say
from my experience is that womentogether are so powerful, that
(41:52):
collectivizing, who we are aswomen, which is why I run the
groups I run, and also move intothis sense of separation is, in
fact, a symptom of trauma. Thatis one of the deepest symptoms
of trauma, regardless of how itgets expressed. And to recognize
(42:16):
that So becoming unifiedourselves personally, which is
through therapy, throughcounseling, right, through
support groups, and then beingable to connect relationally.
That's what I meant by COregulation, in collective
spaces. For women, to be able todo that with women, is an
(42:38):
amazing healing experience. So Idefinitely encourage it's
wonderful. You're writing yourmemoirs, you know, I continue to
do my music, my poetry, myfacilitation, my workshops, my
individual coaching, because forme, healing is all about
(43:00):
integration, and healing,separation with self and with
others, and that really elevatesour sense of wholeness and of
uniqueness, and allowingourselves to be us, which by
nature, is different. I'mdifferent than you, Tara. And
(43:21):
you are also in me, and I amright. So in you. So it's the
uniqueness and the connection.
So hopefully, yes, just from ourbrief conversation together
today, you know, your listeners,I mean, it elevates me to talk
to you to see the light in youreyes, and the pain and include
(43:42):
that in my experience of you.
And hopefully, you know, yourexperience of me. As you Yeah,
it's me in that for yourlisteners to really feel this is
a healing space of integratingself and relating and connecting
(44:03):
relationally with others.
Tara Beckett (44:16):
Ah, Teddy, thank you. And I've been so honored to
have this chat with you thisconversation and yeah, it does
feel like I've never thought ofthe podcast that way. But like
an opening of a door and saying,I want to hear from you. If you
have a story that you'd like totell, please reach out. Because
that would be the ultimate goalthat you know, we just keep this
(44:38):
momentum of these voices coming.
That would be amazing. And so Iend every episode with the
question of, you know, Teddy,what does let perfect burn mean
to you?
Teddy Frank (44:53):
Hmm. I love that title. You know, it's really
having In the incendiaryfierceness of the passion as a
woman to say, Fuck normal, thehell with conformity, and yet
(45:18):
into that alive, vibrant, vitalsense of essence, who am I, as a
unique blueprint, an expressionof universal energy that can
(45:43):
become more and more who I wasmeant to be, who I was born to
be, not who I was conditionedand conformed to be who I am on
norm to be who I am, in all myre form, transform me. That's
(46:09):
what needs to me,Teddy, thank you. Thank you and
everybody, Teddy Frank. Youknow, there's gonna be
information of how to check herout. And I have some personal
friends and people I know thathave worked with her and every
single person is like, it wasamazing. So definitely, you
know, she's there. So, thank youso much, Teddy.
(46:32):
Thank you, Tara.
Perfect.
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