January 28, 2025 • 34 mins
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up everyone, welcome to let's Dig the Podcast
, so I think I'm gonna jumpstraight into it.
So this conversation right now,it's really about how to break
toxic cycles in a relationship,and when we were going to talk
about it, I started thinkingabout all the things I want to
say about you.
I wanted to say all the thingsthat I think about all the
people that were toxic in mylife, and while I was talking, I
(00:20):
literally had this thought whatabout all the toxic things that
you have done, or the toxicthings that yourself?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
that you bring to a relationship Right.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Like me, right, and I'm like, oh snap, no, I wasn't
trying to talk about me, becauseI think all of us always think
we're the ones that's fine andwe're the one that's healthy in
every situation.
But that's not really true.
I think all of us have somestuff in us that we're allowing
ourselves to do, or do in arelationship that we're not
aware of, that we're actuallybringing poison to a
(00:49):
relationship.
It's true.
I want to talk about that rightnow.
So let me say this real quickIf you guys are looking forward
to this conversation, go aheadand hit that like button.
Send this to someone.
Matter of fact, you even hitthat little heart button if
you're watching this on YouTubeSend us some love Shout out to
all of our let's Dig crewmembers.
that's been rocking with us.
Whether you've been rockingwith us since day one or you
just found this channel, tell ushow you found this channel.
(01:10):
Tell us how we can connect withyou.
Man, we're here to help yougrow deeper relationship with
God, others and yourself.
Anything else we want to saybefore we jump in?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I think that's it.
We love y'all.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Hey, let's go.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Let's dig.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Okay.
So when you brought up this,this conversation, I was like,
yeah, man, there's some thingsthat Dan and Lee does, or I was
in a relationship, arelationship like with a friend
and slash coworker that recently.
I'm not going to talk about itbecause I think it's too soon.
Okay, Thank you.
Yeah, that it's.
It's too soon, but therelationship got toxic.
This person just walked out onme Right, straight up
(02:10):
no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Toxic cycles that picture in my mind is, honestly,
it's arguing over and overagain about the same thing.
So I really dug deep to thinkback of what that looks like in
our marriage when we firststarted and we first got married
and I told you I said I had torealize that there were more
(02:36):
things about myself that wereactually the problem of why we
were having toxic arguments overand over again, or even just
the keyword of cycles, like itjust kept repeating.
And it wasn't until the lastfew years I became more
self-aware of myself, of myemotions, of my feelings, of my
(02:57):
reactions, and why did I reactthat way?
And oh, that's the feeling thatI was actually feeling.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
It wasn't until I did that work on myself that I
could actually get us out ofthat toxic cycle and I can
actually testify and say babe,I've seen the improvement in
your like self-awareness,because several years ago we get
into argument and it would justblow up within minutes.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, I'd pop off.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
It's a situation.
It's a situation.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I would pop off and listen.
We were still in ministry and Iwould still drop bombs.
I like cuss words, Like it wasnot holy.
It was not what it was supposedto be, but I was a very
reactionary person when we werefighting.
I was very demonstrative, I wasvery um, and I was, honestly,
(03:45):
very dramatic.
It all, though, becameexplosive.
It became such a big thing, butwhen I finally started doing
the reflection and when Ifinally started actually
verbalizing I need a minute thatwas the first start.
That was the first start,because I don't know about you,
but I'm a person that I gotwords.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
They may not be good words, I got words.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
So for me, for me to have to say I need a minute.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
That's actually hard, because I feel like I have all
the words I want to say to youright now and I'm ready to fire
off.
But that wasn't true, it wasn'tthe good words, it wasn't the
correct words.
So then I.
So the first step for us waslearning to say I need a minute
and walking away.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
That really did help.
Once I started to take thatminute, that's when I actually
started to realize the feelingthat wanted me to explode on you
, to yell at you, to scream atyou, to use cuss words, all
those things it all boiled downto.
I actually felt embarrassed forwhatever reason whether it was
that I didn't have an answer.
(04:51):
I didn't know this.
I didn't you know I maybe Imade a mistake, like whatever
that situation might have been,the core feeling that made me
want to scream and yell at youand and fight so hard was I was
embarrassed and so I had toliterally say like, okay, I
didn't know what that was or Ididn't say that correctly or I
(05:11):
didn't use the right words, orwhatever.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Yeah, it's interesting because just two,
three days ago we felt sometension when we got on a phone
call.
Yeah, you called me.
I picked up, brother, we'regoing to talk about it, hey,
relax now.
No, it's okay, We're're gonnatalk about it, y'all, hey, relax
now.
No, it's okay, we're gonna talkabout it so Danny Lee calls me,
I pick up and I was at my office, I'm tuning my bass guitar,
(05:33):
trying to fix it, about torecord some bass on a track, and
she's asking me questions aboutdinner.
We have some people coming overto the house that we're walking
with and kind of doing somecounseling with them and, um,
she's like, she's like whatshould we get?
And I'm like I actually don'tknow.
And so she starts gettingflustered with me because my
tone gives her this feeling that, like I have no interest in
(05:57):
this conversation, am I tellingthe story?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
And your bass tone bass playing in the background
also gave me a tone so you canhear that I'm busy and in my
voice.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
And your bass tone bass playing in the background
also gave me a tone that youdidn't have answers, so you can
hear that I'm busy and in myvoice it sounds like I have no
interest, it sounds like I don'twant to be part of the decision
and it sounds like I'm dumpingit on you.
So it made you feel all thosethings and we start like like
poking at each other.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Actually no correction.
I literally said, okay, fine,I'll just make the decision,
I'll figure it out.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Which.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
And that did not.
So I was doing it out of anger.
I was a little flustered, but Iwas like fine, I'll just figure
it out.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
But what I'm saying is like that's something that
triggers me and which, again,we're talking about being
self-aware on, like what aresome things that we bring to a
relationship that makes itdysfunctional, which we're going
to talk about dysfunction andtoxicity and triggers and
triggers right.
Dang, I didn't know thispodcast was about all them
things.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
I'm just saying those are all valuable parts of the
toxicity.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Toxicity.
We're going to talk aboutdysfunction, we're going to talk
about triggers.
So you did this thing whereyou're like fine, fine, fine,
fine, I'm just gonna figure itout on my own.
I'm just gonna, it's good, okay, you're about to jump off the
phone and that triggers me,because sometimes there's a
thing that you do where, like,if you, if it's making you
(07:17):
uncomfortable, or or if there'sno immediate solution, or if you
feel like there's bumping theirheads, you, you're more like a,
your fight or flight and a lotof times it's flight.
It's like, fine, feel likethere's bumping of heads.
You're more like a, you'refight or flight, and a lot of
times it's flight.
It's like fine, fine, fine.
There's times we've been inargument.
You just walk away.
I'm like yo, you're just goingto walk away like this, because
you're too flustered or yourears start getting hot or you
start feeling steam.
(07:37):
So you're just like fine, I'mlike what's going on with my
voice?
They're like bro, yeah, are younot a podcaster?
Can you not talk longer thanfive minutes?
Relax, all right.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
We've been talking all day.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
We actually did a radio recording today, which was
cool.
Um, shout out to K bright radio.
Um.
So anyway, bro, that thingtriggered me because for me I'm
like, I'm a peacemaker and.
I want to sit here in it whichwe've learned in the past
there's times, if you don't havewords, or if you can't describe
your feelings, or you can'tdescribe what you're feeling,
(08:13):
you just want to either fight,because you're embarrassed that
you don't have words.
So you're a fighter, or youjust want to flight like you
just want to dip.
Cause I for sure do not want tosit in this uncomfortable and
for me it's different because Iwant to sit, so you're ready to
go.
So now I got a littlefrustrated because I'm like what
are you doing?
Why are you getting off thephone?
You're like, well, because youdon't want it and you're making
me feel.
And you're making me feel,you're making me feel.
(08:34):
And I had to stop and say, okay,what did you imagine this phone
call was going to be?
Like, describe to me what youneed from me, me, what do you
need from me right now, on thisphone call, for you to not have
those feelings, because I hadeven called you out.
I said, babe, I understandyou're feeling all those things,
but I saw your phone ringing, Ipicked it up and we're having a
conversation.
(08:55):
I just have no thoughts forthis question that you have and
it's making you feel like.
And so you had to realize, okay, those were just feelings.
But he was cause you, cause youwas like, hey, I did pick up
and we're having a fullconversation, and even though I
didn't have thoughts orquestions, we both had to take a
deep breath.
We sat in it, right?
(09:15):
So I think both of us had arealization of like for you, you
got flustered with me, so youjust wanted to leave.
And I'm like no, no, no, no, no, we're not going to leave.
And for me I realized you justwant the attention of like that
you care for this.
So I had to stop pause.
I'm like, okay, like what if we?
(09:36):
How about we got Chipotle?
What if you like?
Speaker 2 (09:37):
what if you text her?
I was like, okay, yeah, textthat person, see what they want.
And I said I don't have thewords for what I need.
Like I, like you said, what didyou need from me to make this
conversation go differently?
And I said I actually don'thave those words right now.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
And so here we are realizing in this moment, right
here, it wasn't really.
First of all, it's not toxic.
Now for those, it wasn't evenan argument but what I'm saying
is 10 years ago it would havebeen toxic popping off for sure.
We would have called peoplepeople names.
We would have said comments,like you always, and you never.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Those were two words that we had to take out of our
arguments really quickly.
Yeah, you always do this andyou never, and you never make me
feel that way.
You never do this, you never dothat and that's first of all.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Those are trigger words, for sure, those are um,
are like toxic behaviorstatements and it's actually
part of dysfunction, becausedysfunction is like yo, we're
here and we're working out Likewe're making it work, but we're
always saying like you neverwork or you always I'm like.
That's dysfunction, but in thatmoment we both fully aware of
(10:41):
ourselves.
Like I know that I can soundlike I have no interest and I
can sound like you're on yourown.
I know that I can sound likethat.
So I have to look at myself andsay you know what?
Okay, what do you, what do youneed from me?
What did you imagine me saying?
And then I also had to say babe, you're saying that I'm making
(11:03):
you feel a certain type of way,so I need you to speak into that
and I appreciate you saying youknow what?
I don't have words.
Those were things that manyyears ago we wouldn't have been
able to say, those things.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
We would have never been able to verbalize that.
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
So what would you?
How do you define dysfunction?
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah, I like to the way I like to define dysfunction
and I guess we could look it uptoo, Like you could look it up.
Yeah, sure, I like to definedysfunction as something that is
working improperly.
So it's almost like it'sfunctioning, but something about
it is still broken.
Right, it's like you know.
It's like your car, you knowit's.
(11:44):
It's like you know a window,like, for example, in in in my
Jeep, the controllers to to getall the windows to go down.
I can put all the windows downfrom my controller, but the
backseat controller don't work.
So when Jordan's sitting behindme, for some reason he can't
get his window to go down.
It's dysfunctioning.
(12:05):
The window works, but it's notworking properly.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Yeah, dysfunctional is literally.
The definition is not operatingnormally or properly, and that
applies to dysfunctionalfamilies.
I think it's really importantto be retrospective of what was
your family dynamic like whenyou grew up.
I literally said to you theother day yeah, I said you
(12:31):
huffed and I said why are youbreathing at me?
What was your response?
You remember?
I don't even remember, I don'tthink you were breathing at me
yeah, but because of mychildhood and my family, my dad
huffed a lot when he would feelfrustrated and the whole house
would feel it he would just andit wasn't necessarily wrong for
him to breathe, like people haveto breathe, but because of how
(12:53):
my family was built and the theknit of us being feelers, yeah
we would all feel that breathand we'd be like dad's, mad like
it.
Just, I think our reaction to itwas dysfunctional.
I don't think him breathing wasdysfunctional, it was the way
we over felt it.
We were oversensitive to it.
So when you do it and Iremember that even when we first
(13:15):
got together, but even stillyou huffed the other day and I
was like, why are you breathing?
I mean, what did I do?
And you were like I'm actuallynot breathing at you, I just did
this thing and I can't figureout what it is, or something
very simple, but I had torecognize you exhaled which
humans have to do.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I got it.
Your boy got to breathe.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
I got to breathe that triggered me of like what did I
do wrong?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
And so it's just really important to know those
nuances about your childhood oryour family and to make sure
that you don't just carry theminto your relationship and not
even be aware of them.
Right, yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Yeah, I think, yeah, man, I, I think so many people
are living in dysfunctionalrelationships and they don't
know it.
Because it's still functioningand because it's still working,
they think it works.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
What did we just define dysfunction as?
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying.
I think a lot of people arelike, like not normally or
properly.
Yeah, so it's not normally orproperly working, but it's
working, that's just not healthy.
So, for an example, when youbecome a husband or you become a
wife, you become you know oneof someone else.
(14:32):
You guys become one, and thepurpose of it is for us to live
life together, raise children,challenge each other, encourage
each other, hold each otheraccountable.
And I think some people getmarried thinking that it's what
that person can do just for me,and they don't hold their weight
, and for me that'sdysfunctional, because the goal
(14:53):
was for us to work alongsideeach other.
The goal was not even for youto be behind me.
The goal is not for you to beahead of me.
The goal is for you to bealongside me, right, and so we
become one.
And so our goal is to make surethat we offset each other when
it comes to strengths andweaknesses.
And I think there are so manypeople that are in relationships
that they don't speak up orthey don't say anything.
Jesus said blessed are thosethat work for peace.
(15:16):
So our goal is to bepeacemakers, not peacekeepers.
So people who just keep theirmouth shut and don't say
anything, to me those are signsof some dysfunction, because
that's not how you're supposedto be working in a relationship
and that was part of me at thebeginning.
We're supposed to be fightingfor this and so some of the
dysfunction in relationshipssometimes can be subtle, or I'm
(15:37):
sorry they can be subtle.
They could be so small and youdon't think like, you're like,
oh, you think we're fine orsomeone that's passive
aggressive that's dysfunction.
People think dysfunction has tobe throwing bottles around and
punching holes in the walls andalways screaming and yelling.
No dysfunction could be youbeing passive aggressive.
(15:59):
Yeah, because passiveaggressive is basically saying
screw me, screw you, yeah.
That's a form of communicationLike I don't like me, I don't
like you, I don't like none ofthis.
But I'm going to fake it, I'mgoing to do all this type of
passive aggressive that'sdysfunction.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I used to do that at the beginning.
I could be passive aggressiveat the beginning.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Yeah, which is a form of, in my opinion, dysfunction.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
And it would make it toxic.
It would make the fights worse.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
It would make everything more unhealthy, if
that's even a way to verbalizeit.
If you look at the word toxic Ilooked up the word toxic it's
containing or being poisonousmaterial, especially when
capable of causing death orserious debilitate.
I can't even say this wordDebilitation, debilitation or
(16:50):
serious.
It's debilitating, debilitating.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
Word of the day.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
You guys know that I am a Haitian man and I speak
queer.
We baby.
Okay, you have to understandthis.
Come on, you have to understandthis Probably, queer.
Yeah, so it can literally likecut somebody short.
It can cause someone to not dieon the outside, but someone to
(17:15):
die on the inside.
That's what toxic behavior cando.
And passive aggressivenessright, even forms of and this is
I had to check myself Y'allready for this?
Right, even forms of and thisis I had to check myself y'all
ready for this?
Even forms of sarcasm istoxicity when it comes to
dysfunctional relationships?
(17:36):
Right, it's a way of medicatingand it's a way of covering up
how you really feel so aboutthat some more sometimes I can
hide how I really feel behindsarcasm.
That's true, it's like a defensemechanism, it's a defense
mechanism, and so those that aresometimes the most sarcastic
(17:56):
people in the room whichsometimes I can be you got to
look out for people like us,because you actually don't know
how I really feel we hide behindsarcasm.
So I have to check myself somany different times because
that, right, there can be a formof toxic behavior in
relationship that I could bring,basically causing someone to
down inside, because youactually can't even see what's
(18:18):
happening on the outside or onthe inside and it's not syncing
up.
So to me is it can literallycause something to malfunction.
So here we are working and I'mlike that's great.
You might say something likethat's.
So to me it can literally causesomething to malfunction.
So here we are working and I'mlike that's great.
You might say something likethat's great, love it, straight
sarcasm and hate it on theinside.
I've had, I've had, I've workedwith people, I've had
subordinates, people that'sworked on me and they'll be on
(18:40):
me and say great, love it.
And I'm like you don't reallymean that.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
You don't really mean that, but like the worst is
when, cause I, when I hear theword sarcasm, I hear it or think
of it more often as in humor.
Yeah, so oftentimes it is usedas humor, but you're talking
about, like, where it's actuallyso manipulative, cause that's
what it is at its core it's somanipulative.
You actually don't know.
You actually don't know.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Like.
There've been times wheresomeone's like is at its core.
It's so manipulative youactually don't know, you
actually don't know.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Like there've been times where someone's like, wow
those shoes.
And I'm like, is that a goodthing or a bad thing?
I don't know, Because it cameoff like sarcasm.
Like wait, are you making funof my shoes, or am I supposed to
say thank you?
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Exactly, and so it's toxic.
It's toxic behavior why?
Because something in itcontains some type of poisonous
material that can cause someoneto die on the inside.
And who knows who's dying onthe inside.
The person that had to usesarcasm on the outside is really
(19:40):
dying on the inside, becausetheir inside and outside don't
add up, or the person that was,you know, sarcastically
projected onto is on the outside.
Thank you, oh, this is great.
And on the inside, thinkinglike I don't know if this is the
truth You're saying both ofthem are affected by the poison.
Everybody's affected by it andto me, these are behaviors of a
dysfunctional relationship.
So, whether you are a sibling,whether you are a spouse,
(20:02):
whether you are a boyfriend orgirlfriend, whether you are a
coworker or you are a supervisoror a manager, like all of these
are things that yo.
I think we really got to checkourselves and think like what
type of toxic behaviors am Ibringing into a relationship?
It may not just be yelling andscreaming and fighting.
(20:22):
Sometimes it's subtle sarcasm,sometimes it's passive
aggressiveness.
Sometimes it's passiveaggressiveness.
Sometimes it's you trying to bea peacekeeper, right, knowing
that you're in a relationshipthat might be physically abusive
, mentally abusive, emotionallyabusive, emotionally abusive
yeah, and you're letting it goby.
I'm like you're enablingsomebody to add on to this
(20:45):
relationship.
Well, why?
Because he paid my bills?
Oh, so your bills are working.
Oh why?
Because your car note's fine,or he went and got my car fixed
right, or that person is payingfor this person.
So it seems like it'sfunctioning, but it's
dysfunctioning.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
That's really good.
Listen if y'all are enjoyingthis conversation.
Please, please, please, don'tforget to like this video,
comment on it, send it tosomeone who's maybe in a toxic
relationship and struggling toidentify these characteristics
that we're talking about.
But it is so important for usto build healthy relationships
and, honestly, that is one ofour core reasons and why we are
(21:21):
here.
We are here to help you grow adeeper relationship with God,
others and yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, if you're listening to this on Apple and
you're listening to this onSpotify, if you wouldn't mind
hit that like, write a review,actually Send this to somebody
and jump over to YouTube too andsee our beautiful faces.
Sometimes you got to see whatwe're working with.
We have a lot of peopleactually in some different
countries that's been trackingwith us on spotify and apple, so
(21:50):
really appreciate you guys.
You guys probably even see thishat that I'm rocking right now
on youtube.
This is the ldc trucker hat.
It's really our mission to helppeople grow deeper relationships
with god, others and themselves, and so you guys already know
about our hoodie.
You know about other things ourbags, our stickers.
Grab one of man.
It's from the new lifecollection.
Um, we just love being able tocreate things that people can
(22:11):
share their stories and walkalongside people.
Um, if you guys have reallybeen enjoying this like even on
YouTube, you can even hit thatlittle heart button right there
Show us some real love.
Um, I gave a shout out lastepisode to our brother Wayne,
sent you a hat already, brotherman.
Appreciate you, man, for allyour support.
Appreciate for everybody that'sbeen praying for us.
We have a lot of people that'sbeen rocking with us, and so you
(22:32):
guys are the reason why we keepjumping back on in front of
these cameras every single week.
man, Talk back with us.
We love you guys.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
man, I mean, I think there's so much more that we
could even say about thisconversation For sure.
I wanted to read a scripture,though Let me find it.
It was James 1, 19, 20.
It says understand this, mydear brothers and sisters you
must all be quick to listen,slow to speak and slow to get
angry.
(22:59):
Human anger does not produce therighteousness God God desires,
and for me that was a very hugelesson.
To help aid our marriage to behealthier was that I had to
control my anger and my emotionsand my frustration.
The anger literally canovertake every other emotion,
(23:23):
where I couldn't understand thatI was actually embarrassed, I
couldn't actually understandthat I was hurt or I was sad.
The anger just literally itmutes everything else around you
and it overtakes it and then itcauses things to explode, and
so then it would explode andthen we'd have to come back
hours later.
So for me, learning to listenfirst, learning not to open my
(23:47):
mouth right away, even thoughwords will come out, don't open
your mouth right away.
Um, verbalizing, I need a minute, and not like I'm done, cause
that used to be me as well.
Like I'm done, I'm just notdoing this anymore.
Like it is a different factorin a disagreement, when I say
I'm done, I'm walking away, orI'm, I just really need a minute
(24:10):
, that is completely different.
You react completely differentwhen I say I just need a minute
Cause I feel like I'm going toblow and I don't want to.
So when I say I need a minute,it helps me give a second, calm
down, take a breath, get mythoughts together.
Yeah, that's true.
And then so like those twoapproaches are very different in
an argument.
But those are some things thatI've just had to learn in our
(24:34):
marriage to give us healthieroptions for arguing, because
this is one thing I wanted tosay is we've had couples ask us
do we ever argue?
And I don't want to give theappearance that we don't argue.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
I don't want to give the appearance that if you argue
you're in a toxic relationship,it doesn't always mean that.
Sure, but do we argue in ahealthier way than we did at the
beginning?
Absolutely.
Have we learned a lot of skillsand traits that we've talked
about today that help us behealthier?
In those ways, we're going todisagree.
We have two differentbackgrounds.
(25:08):
We have two different childhoodimpacts.
There's so many things thatmake us different.
So, yes, we are going to argue,there are going to be conflict,
but conflict resolution is whatyou need.
You need those skill sets andwhether that's reaching out to a
therapist and having someonewalk you through how to learn
how to resolve those issues,whether it's a therapist to help
(25:30):
you, okay, I think you'reactually a little codependent
and we need to work on that.
There's so many things thatsometimes you just need outside
help to help you resolve thosethings and work through them.
Um, but year plus, becausewe've been working on ourselves
so much.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
I'd say last three years.
Yeah, I do not remember thelast time we've had a big
explosive argument no, I can'tremember.
And it's all because, first ofall, the spirit of God that
we've allowed to overtake ourthoughts and overtake our minds
and emotions and emotions, ofcourse, right, because we're led
by the spirit and not our, our,our emotions, um, and it's us
(26:15):
doing work in ourselves.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
Yeah, cause no one can control your emotions but
you.
It has to be me, and I've hadto learn that the hard way and I
always try to teach our kidsthat, like, if you're crying,
like I tell our five-year-oldgirl all the time, baby, who can
stop making you cry?
Only you can stop making youcry.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Yeah, and I've noticed all the work that you've
put in, like, even when we'rearguing things like that or we
have a huge disagreement onsomething like I, I'm able to
notice you being able todifferentiate the times where
it's just your feelings.
And it's like this is making mefeel like and I appreciate that
because that would havetriggered me too sometimes,
cause I'm like feel, and Iappreciate that because that
(26:55):
would have triggered me toosometimes, cause I'm like I'm
working so hard on my wordsbecause, before I can find words
to anger you, I could findwords and it would make me some
controlling, narcissistic typeof dude, knowing that the person
that could anger you becomesyour master.
Because, think about it, angeris one of the ways that Satan
can get inside of us.
When you get angry, it opensyourself up, and so someone that
(27:17):
can anger you can control you.
And so, early on in ourmarriage, if I want to get the
upper hand, I just knew how toanger you.
And so for us now realizinglike, wow, man, god, I really
need you to work on me, work onmy heart.
Reveal to me so, daily, weekly,I always pray, say God, reveal
to me the dark sins, the darkthings that I don't even know,
(27:40):
like, bring it to the surface sothat I can repent and turn from
those things.
And it's so important, man, ifI would say this to anybody
that's really trying to figureout in a dysfunctional, toxic
relationship am I the one that'smaking it toxic or is this
other person making it toxic?
Jesus says before you checksomebody else, check yourself.
He says before you help yourbrother, take the wood chip out
(28:00):
of their eye.
He says take the big old woodblock that's out of your eye
first.
He's not telling you to notcheck your brother, he's saying
just check yourself first.
So I've learned, man, how do Icheck myself?
It's literally by humblingmyself.
So even this person that Imentioned at the top of this
conversation, that walked out ofmy life like I had to call them
and say if I've ever doneanything to mislead you, I said
(28:23):
I'm sorry, I had to humblemyself because it's easy to poke
at everyone else.
It's easy to poke at everyoneelse, but I'm realizing the
bigger person is the person thathumbles themselves and say you
know what, if I did something,I'm so sorry and I hope you can
forgive me.
And I've learned that.
We've learned that, practicingthat in our relationship,
learning to say sorry.
So it's humbling yourself,owning when you're like man,
(28:47):
maybe this is me and if this isme, give that other person that
you trust an opportunity to helpthem or to help you by
revealing to you like yo, thisis where you're going.
But you know what?
I'm going to say this right now.
I don't want no one trying tocheck me before they check
themselves.
It's true.
So even for me, before I cometo you and say, babe, I think
you did this, this, and that Ialways start off with like hey,
(29:08):
so I'm going to do better here.
Right so I'm going to do betterhere.
It happened the other day,happened on that phone call.
Yeah, there was something thathappened last Sunday.
I had to call you out on it onour way to lunch and you quick
said well, we should have donethis, this and that.
And before I even checked you,I said you know what, I hear you
and I'll do better next time.
Yeah, and right away you werelike well too, that right, there
(29:34):
is a healthy relationship whenwe're all checking ourselves.
So humble yourself, checkyourself first, man, and find
the right people to be inrelationship with.
That can do the same thing.
And when both people havehumbled themselves and check
themselves, then we can startcorrecting each other.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
That's all I got to say and I don't want to end this
episode in this chat before wesay that if you are in a toxic
relationship, if you're in anunhealthy relationship and you
have done everything you can onyourself and that relationship
remains toxic, you don't have tostay there Right.
Like we shared, uh very earlyon when we relaunched this
(30:09):
podcast, it's coming up on ayear anniversary or it's a year
now is a year now.
Yeah, it was two years of ofBrittany.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
All of your friends.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Yes.
So two years, um this month Ilost a friend to um domestic
violence and that relationship Inever knew was physically
abusive.
I knew it was manipulating andit was abusive emotionally.
And so I do want to say if youare in a toxic relationship that
is manipulative or emotionallyabusive or physically abusive,
(30:43):
that doesn't mean you have tostay, you can leave.
If you have done everything youcan to create a healthy
relationship and the otherperson is not willing to do that
, you don't have to stay.
But I wanted to end with 1Corinthians 13, because that's
what it all boils down to.
When you're in a relationshipwith someone, you love them.
(31:06):
Whether it's a familyrelationship, whether it is a
romantic relationship, love isthe foundation.
And so I want to remind us allthat love is patient, love is
kind, it does not envy, it doesnot boast, it is not proud, it
does not dishonor others, it isnot self-seeking, it is not
(31:29):
easily angered, oh Lord.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Easily angered, oh Lord.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, alwaystrust, always hopes and always
perseveres.
And so I just wanted to leave uswith that thought that that is
what love looks like, the loveof God in your relationship.
(31:51):
It protects you, it preserves,it, keeps you safe.
It does not point fingers, itdoes not attack, it does not
gaslight, it does not manipulate, it actually does not
physically hurt you ever.
And so I just want to end thisconversation with whatever
toxicity is in your relationship, try to heal it, try to do what
(32:14):
you can on your part, and ifthat is not enough, you don't
have to stay.
And this is the definition ofwhat love looks like.
It is love.
It is God sending his son,jesus to die on the cross for us
, to give us eternal life.
That is true love.
God is love.
And so that's just how I wantedto end this conversation.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Yeah, man, that's cool.
That's cool.
Once again, if you've enjoyedthis conversation, hit that like
button.
Send this to someone that youknow that might be in a
dysfunctional relationship.
Send this to someone that youcare, save this for later,
bookmark it.
Hit that heart.
But more importantly, man, welove you guys.
God loves you, jesus loves you,and that's the standard for
(32:56):
love, and no one should have totolerate toxic relationships,
especially when God loves us.
And so we love you guys.
Man, let's connect, let's stayin touch and we'll see you next
time.
Peace.
What's up everyone, welcome to let's Dig the Podcast
, so I think I'm gonna jumpstraight into it.
So this conversation right now,it's really about how to break
toxic cycles in a relationship,and when we were going to talk
about it, I started thinkingabout all the things I want to
say about you.
I wanted to say all the thingsthat I think about all the
people that were toxic in mylife, and while I was talking, I
(00:20):
literally had this thought whatabout all the toxic things that
you have done, or the toxicthings that yourself?
Speaker 2 (00:26):
that you bring to a relationship Right.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Like me, right, and I'm like, oh snap, no, I wasn't
trying to talk about me, becauseI think all of us always think
we're the ones that's fine andwe're the one that's healthy in
every situation.
But that's not really true.
I think all of us have somestuff in us that we're allowing
ourselves to do, or do in arelationship that we're not
aware of, that we're actuallybringing poison to a
(00:49):
relationship.
It's true.
I want to talk about that rightnow.
So let me say this real quickIf you guys are looking forward
to this conversation, go aheadand hit that like button.
Send this to someone.
Matter of fact, you even hitthat little heart button if
you're watching this on YouTubeSend us some love Shout out to
all of our let's Dig crewmembers.
that's been rocking with us.
Whether you've been rockingwith us since day one or you
just found this channel, tell ushow you found this channel.
(01:10):
Tell us how we can connect withyou.
Man, we're here to help yougrow deeper relationship with
God, others and yourself.
Anything else we want to saybefore we jump in?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I think that's it.
We love y'all.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
Hey, let's go.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Let's dig.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
Okay.
So when you brought up this,this conversation, I was like,
yeah, man, there's some thingsthat Dan and Lee does, or I was
in a relationship, arelationship like with a friend
and slash coworker that recently.
I'm not going to talk about itbecause I think it's too soon.
Okay, Thank you.
Yeah, that it's.
It's too soon, but therelationship got toxic.
This person just walked out onme Right, straight up
(02:10):
no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Toxic cycles that picture in my mind is, honestly,
it's arguing over and overagain about the same thing.
So I really dug deep to thinkback of what that looks like in
our marriage when we firststarted and we first got married
and I told you I said I had torealize that there were more
(02:36):
things about myself that wereactually the problem of why we
were having toxic arguments overand over again, or even just
the keyword of cycles, like itjust kept repeating.
And it wasn't until the lastfew years I became more
self-aware of myself, of myemotions, of my feelings, of my
(02:57):
reactions, and why did I reactthat way?
And oh, that's the feeling thatI was actually feeling.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
It wasn't until I did that work on myself that I
could actually get us out ofthat toxic cycle and I can
actually testify and say babe,I've seen the improvement in
your like self-awareness,because several years ago we get
into argument and it would justblow up within minutes.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, I'd pop off.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
It's a situation.
It's a situation.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I would pop off and listen.
We were still in ministry and Iwould still drop bombs.
I like cuss words, Like it wasnot holy.
It was not what it was supposedto be, but I was a very
reactionary person when we werefighting.
I was very demonstrative, I wasvery um, and I was, honestly,
(03:45):
very dramatic.
It all, though, becameexplosive.
It became such a big thing, butwhen I finally started doing
the reflection and when Ifinally started actually
verbalizing I need a minute thatwas the first start.
That was the first start,because I don't know about you,
but I'm a person that I gotwords.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
They may not be good words, I got words.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
So for me, for me to have to say I need a minute.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
That's actually hard, because I feel like I have all
the words I want to say to youright now and I'm ready to fire
off.
But that wasn't true, it wasn'tthe good words, it wasn't the
correct words.
So then I.
So the first step for us waslearning to say I need a minute
and walking away.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
That really did help.
Once I started to take thatminute, that's when I actually
started to realize the feelingthat wanted me to explode on you
, to yell at you, to scream atyou, to use cuss words, all
those things it all boiled downto.
I actually felt embarrassed forwhatever reason whether it was
that I didn't have an answer.
(04:51):
I didn't know this.
I didn't you know I maybe Imade a mistake, like whatever
that situation might have been,the core feeling that made me
want to scream and yell at youand and fight so hard was I was
embarrassed and so I had toliterally say like, okay, I
didn't know what that was or Ididn't say that correctly or I
(05:11):
didn't use the right words, orwhatever.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Yeah, it's interesting because just two,
three days ago we felt sometension when we got on a phone
call.
Yeah, you called me.
I picked up, brother, we'regoing to talk about it, hey,
relax now.
No, it's okay, We're're gonnatalk about it, y'all, hey, relax
now.
No, it's okay, we're gonna talkabout it so Danny Lee calls me,
I pick up and I was at my office, I'm tuning my bass guitar,
(05:33):
trying to fix it, about torecord some bass on a track, and
she's asking me questions aboutdinner.
We have some people coming overto the house that we're walking
with and kind of doing somecounseling with them and, um,
she's like, she's like whatshould we get?
And I'm like I actually don'tknow.
And so she starts gettingflustered with me because my
tone gives her this feeling that, like I have no interest in
(05:57):
this conversation, am I tellingthe story?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
And your bass tone bass playing in the background
also gave me a tone so you canhear that I'm busy and in my
voice.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
And your bass tone bass playing in the background
also gave me a tone that youdidn't have answers, so you can
hear that I'm busy and in myvoice it sounds like I have no
interest, it sounds like I don'twant to be part of the decision
and it sounds like I'm dumpingit on you.
So it made you feel all thosethings and we start like like
poking at each other.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Actually no correction.
I literally said, okay, fine,I'll just make the decision,
I'll figure it out.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Which.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
And that did not.
So I was doing it out of anger.
I was a little flustered, but Iwas like fine, I'll just figure
it out.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
But what I'm saying is like that's something that
triggers me and which, again,we're talking about being
self-aware on, like what aresome things that we bring to a
relationship that makes itdysfunctional, which we're going
to talk about dysfunction andtoxicity and triggers and
triggers right.
Dang, I didn't know thispodcast was about all them
things.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
I'm just saying those are all valuable parts of the
toxicity.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Toxicity.
We're going to talk aboutdysfunction, we're going to talk
about triggers.
So you did this thing whereyou're like fine, fine, fine,
fine, I'm just gonna figure itout on my own.
I'm just gonna, it's good, okay, you're about to jump off the
phone and that triggers me,because sometimes there's a
thing that you do where, like,if you, if it's making you
(07:17):
uncomfortable, or or if there'sno immediate solution, or if you
feel like there's bumping theirheads, you, you're more like a,
your fight or flight and a lotof times it's flight.
It's like, fine, feel likethere's bumping of heads.
You're more like a, you'refight or flight, and a lot of
times it's flight.
It's like fine, fine, fine.
There's times we've been inargument.
You just walk away.
I'm like yo, you're just goingto walk away like this, because
you're too flustered or yourears start getting hot or you
start feeling steam.
(07:37):
So you're just like fine, I'mlike what's going on with my
voice?
They're like bro, yeah, are younot a podcaster?
Can you not talk longer thanfive minutes?
Relax, all right.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
We've been talking all day.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
We actually did a radio recording today, which was
cool.
Um, shout out to K bright radio.
Um.
So anyway, bro, that thingtriggered me because for me I'm
like, I'm a peacemaker and.
I want to sit here in it whichwe've learned in the past
there's times, if you don't havewords, or if you can't describe
your feelings, or you can'tdescribe what you're feeling,
(08:13):
you just want to either fight,because you're embarrassed that
you don't have words.
So you're a fighter, or youjust want to flight like you
just want to dip.
Cause I for sure do not want tosit in this uncomfortable and
for me it's different because Iwant to sit, so you're ready to
go.
So now I got a littlefrustrated because I'm like what
are you doing?
Why are you getting off thephone?
You're like, well, because youdon't want it and you're making
me feel.
And you're making me feel,you're making me feel.
(08:34):
And I had to stop and say, okay,what did you imagine this phone
call was going to be?
Like, describe to me what youneed from me, me, what do you
need from me right now, on thisphone call, for you to not have
those feelings, because I hadeven called you out.
I said, babe, I understandyou're feeling all those things,
but I saw your phone ringing, Ipicked it up and we're having a
conversation.
(08:55):
I just have no thoughts forthis question that you have and
it's making you feel like.
And so you had to realize, okay, those were just feelings.
But he was cause you, cause youwas like, hey, I did pick up
and we're having a fullconversation, and even though I
didn't have thoughts orquestions, we both had to take a
deep breath.
We sat in it, right?
(09:15):
So I think both of us had arealization of like for you, you
got flustered with me, so youjust wanted to leave.
And I'm like no, no, no, no, no, we're not going to leave.
And for me I realized you justwant the attention of like that
you care for this.
So I had to stop pause.
I'm like, okay, like what if we?
(09:36):
How about we got Chipotle?
What if you like?
Speaker 2 (09:37):
what if you text her?
I was like, okay, yeah, textthat person, see what they want.
And I said I don't have thewords for what I need.
Like I, like you said, what didyou need from me to make this
conversation go differently?
And I said I actually don'thave those words right now.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
And so here we are realizing in this moment, right
here, it wasn't really.
First of all, it's not toxic.
Now for those, it wasn't evenan argument but what I'm saying
is 10 years ago it would havebeen toxic popping off for sure.
We would have called peoplepeople names.
We would have said comments,like you always, and you never.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Those were two words that we had to take out of our
arguments really quickly.
Yeah, you always do this andyou never, and you never make me
feel that way.
You never do this, you never dothat and that's first of all.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Those are trigger words, for sure, those are um,
are like toxic behaviorstatements and it's actually
part of dysfunction, becausedysfunction is like yo, we're
here and we're working out Likewe're making it work, but we're
always saying like you neverwork or you always I'm like.
That's dysfunction, but in thatmoment we both fully aware of
(10:41):
ourselves.
Like I know that I can soundlike I have no interest and I
can sound like you're on yourown.
I know that I can sound likethat.
So I have to look at myself andsay you know what?
Okay, what do you, what do youneed from me?
What did you imagine me saying?
And then I also had to say babe, you're saying that I'm making
(11:03):
you feel a certain type of way,so I need you to speak into that
and I appreciate you saying youknow what?
I don't have words.
Those were things that manyyears ago we wouldn't have been
able to say, those things.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
We would have never been able to verbalize that.
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
So what would you?
How do you define dysfunction?
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah, I like to the way I like to define dysfunction
and I guess we could look it uptoo, Like you could look it up.
Yeah, sure, I like to definedysfunction as something that is
working improperly.
So it's almost like it'sfunctioning, but something about
it is still broken.
Right, it's like you know.
It's like your car, you knowit's.
(11:44):
It's like you know a window,like, for example, in in in my
Jeep, the controllers to to getall the windows to go down.
I can put all the windows downfrom my controller, but the
backseat controller don't work.
So when Jordan's sitting behindme, for some reason he can't
get his window to go down.
It's dysfunctioning.
(12:05):
The window works, but it's notworking properly.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Yeah, dysfunctional is literally.
The definition is not operatingnormally or properly, and that
applies to dysfunctionalfamilies.
I think it's really importantto be retrospective of what was
your family dynamic like whenyou grew up.
I literally said to you theother day yeah, I said you
(12:31):
huffed and I said why are youbreathing at me?
What was your response?
You remember?
I don't even remember, I don'tthink you were breathing at me
yeah, but because of mychildhood and my family, my dad
huffed a lot when he would feelfrustrated and the whole house
would feel it he would just andit wasn't necessarily wrong for
him to breathe, like people haveto breathe, but because of how
(12:53):
my family was built and the theknit of us being feelers, yeah
we would all feel that breathand we'd be like dad's, mad like
it.
Just, I think our reaction to itwas dysfunctional.
I don't think him breathing wasdysfunctional, it was the way
we over felt it.
We were oversensitive to it.
So when you do it and Iremember that even when we first
(13:15):
got together, but even stillyou huffed the other day and I
was like, why are you breathing?
I mean, what did I do?
And you were like I'm actuallynot breathing at you, I just did
this thing and I can't figureout what it is, or something
very simple, but I had torecognize you exhaled which
humans have to do.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I got it.
Your boy got to breathe.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
I got to breathe that triggered me of like what did I
do wrong?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
And so it's just really important to know those
nuances about your childhood oryour family and to make sure
that you don't just carry theminto your relationship and not
even be aware of them.
Right, yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Yeah, I think, yeah, man, I, I think so many people
are living in dysfunctionalrelationships and they don't
know it.
Because it's still functioningand because it's still working,
they think it works.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
What did we just define dysfunction as?
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying.
I think a lot of people arelike, like not normally or
properly.
Yeah, so it's not normally orproperly working, but it's
working, that's just not healthy.
So, for an example, when youbecome a husband or you become a
wife, you become you know oneof someone else.
(14:32):
You guys become one, and thepurpose of it is for us to live
life together, raise children,challenge each other, encourage
each other, hold each otheraccountable.
And I think some people getmarried thinking that it's what
that person can do just for me,and they don't hold their weight
, and for me that'sdysfunctional, because the goal
(14:53):
was for us to work alongsideeach other.
The goal was not even for youto be behind me.
The goal is not for you to beahead of me.
The goal is for you to bealongside me, right, and so we
become one.
And so our goal is to make surethat we offset each other when
it comes to strengths andweaknesses.
And I think there are so manypeople that are in relationships
that they don't speak up orthey don't say anything.
Jesus said blessed are thosethat work for peace.
(15:16):
So our goal is to bepeacemakers, not peacekeepers.
So people who just keep theirmouth shut and don't say
anything, to me those are signsof some dysfunction, because
that's not how you're supposedto be working in a relationship
and that was part of me at thebeginning.
We're supposed to be fightingfor this and so some of the
dysfunction in relationshipssometimes can be subtle, or I'm
(15:37):
sorry they can be subtle.
They could be so small and youdon't think like, you're like,
oh, you think we're fine orsomeone that's passive
aggressive that's dysfunction.
People think dysfunction has tobe throwing bottles around and
punching holes in the walls andalways screaming and yelling.
No dysfunction could be youbeing passive aggressive.
(15:59):
Yeah, because passiveaggressive is basically saying
screw me, screw you, yeah.
That's a form of communicationLike I don't like me, I don't
like you, I don't like none ofthis.
But I'm going to fake it, I'mgoing to do all this type of
passive aggressive that'sdysfunction.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I used to do that at the beginning.
I could be passive aggressiveat the beginning.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Yeah, which is a form of, in my opinion, dysfunction.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
And it would make it toxic.
It would make the fights worse.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
It would make everything more unhealthy, if
that's even a way to verbalizeit.
If you look at the word toxic Ilooked up the word toxic it's
containing or being poisonousmaterial, especially when
capable of causing death orserious debilitate.
I can't even say this wordDebilitation, debilitation or
(16:50):
serious.
It's debilitating, debilitating.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
Word of the day.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
You guys know that I am a Haitian man and I speak
queer.
We baby.
Okay, you have to understandthis.
Come on, you have to understandthis Probably, queer.
Yeah, so it can literally likecut somebody short.
It can cause someone to not dieon the outside, but someone to
(17:15):
die on the inside.
That's what toxic behavior cando.
And passive aggressivenessright, even forms of and this is
I had to check myself Y'allready for this?
Right, even forms of and thisis I had to check myself y'all
ready for this?
Even forms of sarcasm istoxicity when it comes to
dysfunctional relationships?
(17:36):
Right, it's a way of medicatingand it's a way of covering up
how you really feel so aboutthat some more sometimes I can
hide how I really feel behindsarcasm.
That's true, it's like a defensemechanism, it's a defense
mechanism, and so those that aresometimes the most sarcastic
(17:56):
people in the room whichsometimes I can be you got to
look out for people like us,because you actually don't know
how I really feel we hide behindsarcasm.
So I have to check myself somany different times because
that, right, there can be a formof toxic behavior in
relationship that I could bring,basically causing someone to
down inside, because youactually can't even see what's
(18:18):
happening on the outside or onthe inside and it's not syncing
up.
So to me is it can literallycause something to malfunction.
So here we are working and I'mlike that's great.
You might say something likethat's.
So to me it can literally causesomething to malfunction.
So here we are working and I'mlike that's great.
You might say something likethat's great, love it, straight
sarcasm and hate it on theinside.
I've had, I've had, I've workedwith people, I've had
subordinates, people that'sworked on me and they'll be on
(18:40):
me and say great, love it.
And I'm like you don't reallymean that.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
You don't really mean that, but like the worst is
when, cause I, when I hear theword sarcasm, I hear it or think
of it more often as in humor.
Yeah, so oftentimes it is usedas humor, but you're talking
about, like, where it's actuallyso manipulative, cause that's
what it is at its core it's somanipulative.
You actually don't know.
You actually don't know.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Like.
There've been times wheresomeone's like is at its core.
It's so manipulative youactually don't know, you
actually don't know.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Like there've been times where someone's like, wow
those shoes.
And I'm like, is that a goodthing or a bad thing?
I don't know, Because it cameoff like sarcasm.
Like wait, are you making funof my shoes, or am I supposed to
say thank you?
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Exactly, and so it's toxic.
It's toxic behavior why?
Because something in itcontains some type of poisonous
material that can cause someoneto die on the inside.
And who knows who's dying onthe inside.
The person that had to usesarcasm on the outside is really
(19:40):
dying on the inside, becausetheir inside and outside don't
add up, or the person that was,you know, sarcastically
projected onto is on the outside.
Thank you, oh, this is great.
And on the inside, thinkinglike I don't know if this is the
truth You're saying both ofthem are affected by the poison.
Everybody's affected by it andto me, these are behaviors of a
dysfunctional relationship.
So, whether you are a sibling,whether you are a spouse,
(20:02):
whether you are a boyfriend orgirlfriend, whether you are a
coworker or you are a supervisoror a manager, like all of these
are things that yo.
I think we really got to checkourselves and think like what
type of toxic behaviors am Ibringing into a relationship?
It may not just be yelling andscreaming and fighting.
(20:22):
Sometimes it's subtle sarcasm,sometimes it's passive
aggressiveness.
Sometimes it's passiveaggressiveness.
Sometimes it's you trying to bea peacekeeper, right, knowing
that you're in a relationshipthat might be physically abusive
, mentally abusive, emotionallyabusive, emotionally abusive
yeah, and you're letting it goby.
I'm like you're enablingsomebody to add on to this
(20:45):
relationship.
Well, why?
Because he paid my bills?
Oh, so your bills are working.
Oh why?
Because your car note's fine,or he went and got my car fixed
right, or that person is payingfor this person.
So it seems like it'sfunctioning, but it's
dysfunctioning.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
That's really good.
Listen if y'all are enjoyingthis conversation.
Please, please, please, don'tforget to like this video,
comment on it, send it tosomeone who's maybe in a toxic
relationship and struggling toidentify these characteristics
that we're talking about.
But it is so important for usto build healthy relationships
and, honestly, that is one ofour core reasons and why we are
(21:21):
here.
We are here to help you grow adeeper relationship with God,
others and yourself.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, if you're listening to this on Apple and
you're listening to this onSpotify, if you wouldn't mind
hit that like, write a review,actually Send this to somebody
and jump over to YouTube too andsee our beautiful faces.
Sometimes you got to see whatwe're working with.
We have a lot of peopleactually in some different
countries that's been trackingwith us on spotify and apple, so
(21:50):
really appreciate you guys.
You guys probably even see thishat that I'm rocking right now
on youtube.
This is the ldc trucker hat.
It's really our mission to helppeople grow deeper relationships
with god, others and themselves, and so you guys already know
about our hoodie.
You know about other things ourbags, our stickers.
Grab one of man.
It's from the new lifecollection.
Um, we just love being able tocreate things that people can
(22:11):
share their stories and walkalongside people.
Um, if you guys have reallybeen enjoying this like even on
YouTube, you can even hit thatlittle heart button right there
Show us some real love.
Um, I gave a shout out lastepisode to our brother Wayne,
sent you a hat already, brotherman.
Appreciate you, man, for allyour support.
Appreciate for everybody that'sbeen praying for us.
We have a lot of people that'sbeen rocking with us, and so you
(22:32):
guys are the reason why we keepjumping back on in front of
these cameras every single week.
man, Talk back with us.
We love you guys.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
man, I mean, I think there's so much more that we
could even say about thisconversation For sure.
I wanted to read a scripture,though Let me find it.
It was James 1, 19, 20.
It says understand this, mydear brothers and sisters you
must all be quick to listen,slow to speak and slow to get
angry.
(22:59):
Human anger does not produce therighteousness God God desires,
and for me that was a very hugelesson.
To help aid our marriage to behealthier was that I had to
control my anger and my emotionsand my frustration.
The anger literally canovertake every other emotion,
(23:23):
where I couldn't understand thatI was actually embarrassed, I
couldn't actually understandthat I was hurt or I was sad.
The anger just literally itmutes everything else around you
and it overtakes it and then itcauses things to explode, and
so then it would explode andthen we'd have to come back
hours later.
So for me, learning to listenfirst, learning not to open my
(23:47):
mouth right away, even thoughwords will come out, don't open
your mouth right away.
Um, verbalizing, I need a minute, and not like I'm done, cause
that used to be me as well.
Like I'm done, I'm just notdoing this anymore.
Like it is a different factorin a disagreement, when I say
I'm done, I'm walking away, orI'm, I just really need a minute
(24:10):
, that is completely different.
You react completely differentwhen I say I just need a minute
Cause I feel like I'm going toblow and I don't want to.
So when I say I need a minute,it helps me give a second, calm
down, take a breath, get mythoughts together.
Yeah, that's true.
And then so like those twoapproaches are very different in
an argument.
But those are some things thatI've just had to learn in our
(24:34):
marriage to give us healthieroptions for arguing, because
this is one thing I wanted tosay is we've had couples ask us
do we ever argue?
And I don't want to give theappearance that we don't argue.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
I don't want to give the appearance that if you argue
you're in a toxic relationship,it doesn't always mean that.
Sure, but do we argue in ahealthier way than we did at the
beginning?
Absolutely.
Have we learned a lot of skillsand traits that we've talked
about today that help us behealthier?
In those ways, we're going todisagree.
We have two differentbackgrounds.
(25:08):
We have two different childhoodimpacts.
There's so many things thatmake us different.
So, yes, we are going to argue,there are going to be conflict,
but conflict resolution is whatyou need.
You need those skill sets andwhether that's reaching out to a
therapist and having someonewalk you through how to learn
how to resolve those issues,whether it's a therapist to help
(25:30):
you, okay, I think you'reactually a little codependent
and we need to work on that.
There's so many things thatsometimes you just need outside
help to help you resolve thosethings and work through them.
Um, but year plus, becausewe've been working on ourselves
so much.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
I'd say last three years.
Yeah, I do not remember thelast time we've had a big
explosive argument no, I can'tremember.
And it's all because, first ofall, the spirit of God that
we've allowed to overtake ourthoughts and overtake our minds
and emotions and emotions, ofcourse, right, because we're led
by the spirit and not our, our,our emotions, um, and it's us
(26:15):
doing work in ourselves.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
Yeah, cause no one can control your emotions but
you.
It has to be me, and I've hadto learn that the hard way and I
always try to teach our kidsthat, like, if you're crying,
like I tell our five-year-oldgirl all the time, baby, who can
stop making you cry?
Only you can stop making youcry.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Yeah, and I've noticed all the work that you've
put in, like, even when we'rearguing things like that or we
have a huge disagreement onsomething like I, I'm able to
notice you being able todifferentiate the times where
it's just your feelings.
And it's like this is making mefeel like and I appreciate that
because that would havetriggered me too sometimes,
cause I'm like feel, and Iappreciate that because that
(26:55):
would have triggered me toosometimes, cause I'm like I'm
working so hard on my wordsbecause, before I can find words
to anger you, I could findwords and it would make me some
controlling, narcissistic typeof dude, knowing that the person
that could anger you becomesyour master.
Because, think about it, angeris one of the ways that Satan
can get inside of us.
When you get angry, it opensyourself up, and so someone that
(27:17):
can anger you can control you.
And so, early on in ourmarriage, if I want to get the
upper hand, I just knew how toanger you.
And so for us now realizinglike, wow, man, god, I really
need you to work on me, work onmy heart.
Reveal to me so, daily, weekly,I always pray, say God, reveal
to me the dark sins, the darkthings that I don't even know,
(27:40):
like, bring it to the surface sothat I can repent and turn from
those things.
And it's so important, man, ifI would say this to anybody
that's really trying to figureout in a dysfunctional, toxic
relationship am I the one that'smaking it toxic or is this
other person making it toxic?
Jesus says before you checksomebody else, check yourself.
He says before you help yourbrother, take the wood chip out
(28:00):
of their eye.
He says take the big old woodblock that's out of your eye
first.
He's not telling you to notcheck your brother, he's saying
just check yourself first.
So I've learned, man, how do Icheck myself?
It's literally by humblingmyself.
So even this person that Imentioned at the top of this
conversation, that walked out ofmy life like I had to call them
and say if I've ever doneanything to mislead you, I said
(28:23):
I'm sorry, I had to humblemyself because it's easy to poke
at everyone else.
It's easy to poke at everyoneelse, but I'm realizing the
bigger person is the person thathumbles themselves and say you
know what, if I did something,I'm so sorry and I hope you can
forgive me.
And I've learned that.
We've learned that, practicingthat in our relationship,
learning to say sorry.
So it's humbling yourself,owning when you're like man,
(28:47):
maybe this is me and if this isme, give that other person that
you trust an opportunity to helpthem or to help you by
revealing to you like yo, thisis where you're going.
But you know what?
I'm going to say this right now.
I don't want no one trying tocheck me before they check
themselves.
It's true.
So even for me, before I cometo you and say, babe, I think
you did this, this, and that Ialways start off with like hey,
(29:08):
so I'm going to do better here.
Right so I'm going to do betterhere.
It happened the other day,happened on that phone call.
Yeah, there was something thathappened last Sunday.
I had to call you out on it onour way to lunch and you quick
said well, we should have donethis, this and that.
And before I even checked you,I said you know what, I hear you
and I'll do better next time.
Yeah, and right away you werelike well too, that right, there
(29:34):
is a healthy relationship whenwe're all checking ourselves.
So humble yourself, checkyourself first, man, and find
the right people to be inrelationship with.
That can do the same thing.
And when both people havehumbled themselves and check
themselves, then we can startcorrecting each other.
Speaker 2 (29:45):
That's all I got to say and I don't want to end this
episode in this chat before wesay that if you are in a toxic
relationship, if you're in anunhealthy relationship and you
have done everything you can onyourself and that relationship
remains toxic, you don't have tostay there Right.
Like we shared, uh very earlyon when we relaunched this
(30:09):
podcast, it's coming up on ayear anniversary or it's a year
now is a year now.
Yeah, it was two years of ofBrittany.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
All of your friends.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Yes.
So two years, um this month Ilost a friend to um domestic
violence and that relationship Inever knew was physically
abusive.
I knew it was manipulating andit was abusive emotionally.
And so I do want to say if youare in a toxic relationship that
is manipulative or emotionallyabusive or physically abusive,
(30:43):
that doesn't mean you have tostay, you can leave.
If you have done everything youcan to create a healthy
relationship and the otherperson is not willing to do that
, you don't have to stay.
But I wanted to end with 1Corinthians 13, because that's
what it all boils down to.
When you're in a relationshipwith someone, you love them.
(31:06):
Whether it's a familyrelationship, whether it is a
romantic relationship, love isthe foundation.
And so I want to remind us allthat love is patient, love is
kind, it does not envy, it doesnot boast, it is not proud, it
does not dishonor others, it isnot self-seeking, it is not
(31:29):
easily angered, oh Lord.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Easily angered, oh Lord.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, alwaystrust, always hopes and always
perseveres.
And so I just wanted to leave uswith that thought that that is
what love looks like, the loveof God in your relationship.
(31:51):
It protects you, it preserves,it, keeps you safe.
It does not point fingers, itdoes not attack, it does not
gaslight, it does not manipulate, it actually does not
physically hurt you ever.
And so I just want to end thisconversation with whatever
toxicity is in your relationship, try to heal it, try to do what
(32:14):
you can on your part, and ifthat is not enough, you don't
have to stay.
And this is the definition ofwhat love looks like.
It is love.
It is God sending his son,jesus to die on the cross for us
, to give us eternal life.
That is true love.
God is love.
And so that's just how I wantedto end this conversation.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Yeah, man, that's cool.
That's cool.
Once again, if you've enjoyedthis conversation, hit that like
button.
Send this to someone that youknow that might be in a
dysfunctional relationship.
Send this to someone that youcare, save this for later,
bookmark it.
Hit that heart.
But more importantly, man, welove you guys.
God loves you, jesus loves you,and that's the standard for
(32:56):
love, and no one should have totolerate toxic relationships,
especially when God loves us.
And so we love you guys.
Man, let's connect, let's stayin touch and we'll see you next
time.
Peace.
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