Facing Past Wounds and Embracing Fresh Starts

Have you ever felt disconnected from your own family, like you're just roommates rather than a cohesive unit?

Our heartfelt discussion touches on this very real and painful experience. Join us as Brittany Anne, my oldest daughter, bravely opens up about her feelings of emotional abandonment and the transactional nature of past family interactions. Alongside my life wife Casey and best friend Belinda, we peel back the layers of our family's journey, reflecting on my challenges as a young mother and the importance of understanding each other's truths to mend and strengthen our bonds.

Our conversation takes us through the rugged terrain of divorce and the daunting task of co-parenting with an abusive partner. We candidly share personal stories highlighting the long-lasting effects such experiences can have on children, including PTSD and nightmares. The revelations are raw and honest, emphasizing the pivotal role of shielding children from adult conflicts and prioritizing their well-being. As we navigate these complex dynamics, we confront past mistakes and celebrate the healing journey that allows us to grow individually and as a family.

Finally, our journey leads us to the sunny yet tumultuous move to California, a symbol of change and new beginnings. We confront feelings of regret and guilt for not recognizing issues sooner, but also embrace the power of vulnerability and forgiveness. With Cameron's unwavering support as a steadfast father figure, we acknowledge the true value of chosen family and unconditional love. Through this candid exploration of vulnerability, we invite you to engage with us, fostering a community where growth and connection flourish.

This podcast dives deep into real, raw topics—think vulnerability, triggers, and childhood trauma. But just so we're super clear: I’m not a licensed therapist, mental health professional, or anything close. I’m just a human sharing stories, lessons, and life hacks based on personal experience and a whole lot of curiosity.

So, while you might find some golden nuggets here, this is not therapy and should never replace professional mental health care. If you or someone you love is going through it, please—seriously—reach out to a licensed therapist or healthcare provider. You deserve the real deal.

Need Help Now?
Here are a few amazing resources:

· 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): Call or text 988
· NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or nami.org/help
· Therapy Directory: psychologytoday.com
· Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

The opinions expressed on this show are ours and ours alone—no official organizations are responsible for what we say (or how much we overshare).

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.
Let's get naked.
Hey everyone, I'm Ann andwelcome to the let's Get Naked
podcast, where we dive deep intovulnerability.
In this space, we'll explorewhat triggers us, uncover the
patterns holding us back anddiscover how to take charge of
our own growth.
If you're ready to dig in, facethe tough stuff and transform

(00:30):
your life, then buckle up.
It's time to get naked.
Today, we're stripping it alloff with my oldest daughter,
brittany Ann.
We also are being joined byBelinda and Casey, who some of
you know from earlier podcasts.
With them, casey is my wife,life wife.
Belinda is my best friend onthe planet.
Brittany apparently has neverheard that term before Life wife

(00:51):
Life wife yeah, so, yeah.
So they're joining us as well,because they've both been
involved in our family fordecades and offer some really
great perspectives into wellCasey's practically raised
Brittany, you know, and so she's.

Speaker 3 (01:07):
She's Brittany's second mom and and blended on
the weekends in case he couldn'tbe on.
So they offer some greatperspective into that.

Speaker 1 (01:15):
So I I wanted to mention that Brittany for those
that don't know her is hasalways marched to the beat of
her own drummer and has been theone on this planet to introduce
weird to me.
She has always kept it weirdand not a little bit like full
bore open weird.
As I have grown in my on my ownjourney, I've realized how

(01:40):
amazing that is and really cometo appreciate that.
For those that don't know, Ithink weird is a compliment, the
highest compliment, becauseit's doing what you know is
authentic for yourself and notgiving a shit what anybody else
thinks, and that, to me, isamazing.
So kudos to you for what youbring to the table, for that and
welcome.

Speaker 4 (01:58):
Welcome to all the ladies.

Speaker 1 (01:59):
Yeah, exactly.
So welcome to all of you.
So we're going to dive in alittle bit and talk about some
of the things that Brittanydealt with with me as a mom,
which will bring up, hopefully,a lot of different topics that
people can take into their ownhomes and talk with their kiddos
about.
You know, I think a lot ofpeople are not as vulnerable as

(02:21):
I'm willing to be when it comesto my parenting or lack thereof.
I was a baby when I hadBrittany.
I was 19 and a few months, andso I did not bring I didn't have
an A game to bring to thatparenting situation.
You know, brittany and I havejoked around over the years
because she's always said likeyou're a better mom to you know,

(02:44):
to Wiley, around over the years, because she's always said like
you're a better mom to you know, to wiley, who's my youngest,
and it's like yeah, I'm an adultnow.
I I couldn't believe that theysent me home with a child at 19.
I still smoked.
I mean, I smoked all the waythrough my pregnancy with
britney that's terrible anddisgusting and then smoked in
the house when I had a baby.
Can you even get your headaround?
Casey just groaned.
She's like oh my, oh my God, Ihad no idea.
Yeah, no.

Speaker 3 (03:04):
I mean it's a lot.
It's so much character now.

Speaker 1 (03:08):
I mean, you know, as the older generation, we can go
around and say like, oh, wedrank from the hose and whatever
, and Brittany can be like mymom smoked in the house, like
how outrageous, truly blessed.
Yeah so, but but Brittany bringsa different perspective to
things because Brittany and Ihave really been able to embrace
our relationship as we've goneand it grows every day.

(03:29):
I appreciate her allowing me tohave a seat at her table of
life and we make progress everyday on just talking through
things.
We've started a couple of yearsago really sharing with each
other how we felt about stuff.
More so, brittany being willingto share with me about my
shortcomings and me holdingspace for her.

(03:49):
That's not an easy thing to do,as we've talked about, because
when you hold space for someoneelse and you were the villain in
their story, you have to bewilling to really have big
shoulders to do that and andalso understand that that's her

(04:09):
truth.
It doesn't matter how Iremembered it, that's how she
remembered it.

Speaker 3 (04:15):
Villain is a really strong word.
I wouldn't go that far.

Speaker 1 (04:18):
You understand what I'm saying in some of the things
where I didn't do you right.
I am the villain in that story,you know, and so it isn't it's
just a choice of words.
Where it's I'm not the risingstar who was like, oh my God,
I'm going to champion for you.
I didn't do you right for a lotof your childhood and I
understand that.
Looking back, I really do.

(04:38):
I look back at the time when youwere little.
Little.
I didn't have a clue, you know.
I look at people who areparents now excellent, they do
such a great job and they'repaying attention and they're
whatever.
I had no idea.
I was just trying to keepbabies alive, you know, and keep
food on the table, and thethings that happen when you're

(05:00):
19 and 20 years old.
All of my friends were outtalking about what color nail
polish they were going to do orfiguring out their hairstyles,
and I was trying to figure outhow to, in a budget, put formula
and pampers and, you know, keepyour biological dad from you
know whatever he was doing youknow, or whatever that looked
like.

Speaker 2 (05:18):
You know what I?

Speaker 1 (05:19):
mean so.
So it was not a great thing.
I moved away from my family whocould have been my support
system, but I moved down toArizona when I was pregnant with
you, so I literally had no onedown here.
And then, da-da-da-da, in comes, belinda which Savior, you know
, became friends with her when Iwas pregnant with you.

(05:40):
She was the one that watchedyou when I went back to work and
really incorporated her intoher kiddos, you know.
So I feel so honored to besitting here with this group of
women, because Casey has, youknow, been with our family for
15 long time, since she waseight yeah, since so 20 years,
right?
So so Blinda's been in my lifeand in our family's life for 30

(06:02):
years and Casey has been for 20years.
I mean, this is, these womenthat are sitting here have
probably done more to raise youthan I ever did, you know.
And so I do come from a placeof it takes a village, right,
and I realize my shortcomingswith things, and I never was
like don't parent my kid ordon't tell me how to parent my
kid.

(06:22):
I was like I'm open tosuggestions, I don't parent my
kid or don't tell me how toparent my kid.
I was like I'm open tosuggestions.
I don't know what the hell I'mdoing here, you know, because I
just I didn't, I didn't, and sothat's a big thing.
They have great stories aboutwho you are as a person and what
you brought to the table, andso you know, I can only imagine

(06:43):
the things that they say behindclosed doors, open doors to open
.
Yeah, right, I mean, we say itright out in the front of my
back behind my back.
Yeah, exactly so so tell me,tell me what that was like for
you when you were younger andhaving the different people that
were involved in parenting youand know you were a product of

(07:04):
divorce early on.
Right by I left your biologicaldad when you were five and you
know what do you remember aboutthat time?
Or what do you remember aboutearly childhood that sticks out
to you as far as challenges orthings that were going right?
Or you know, what does thatlook like for you?

Speaker 3 (07:23):
yeah, um, there were definitely a lot of times where
I felt like very alone and um,almost like an afterthought or
like I didn't belong, like I wasin the way kind of, um, you
know, just something else tohave to be moved around, not
necessarily like I brought joyor value to anything, it was

(07:45):
just like, oh you know, I getyou here, get you there, get you
fed, like it just felt likevery transactional.
I think for a long time growingup, like you know, we didn't
really like hug as a family.
There wasn't really much likeaffection between a lot of
people and, yeah, and havinglike so many different nannies
or family members, or I justfelt like I didn't get to see my

(08:07):
actual family very much.
We were just, we all had ourown lives.
It felt like we were just kindof roommates.
We all shared the house together, but ultimately it was just,
you know, going from one placeto another.
There wasn't a lot of stabilityand not to say that yeah, that,
yeah, like I mean, we werealways fed and we always had a
place to sleep at night.
It was never, um, aboutscarcity as much as it was just,

(08:30):
yeah, feeling like emotionallyabandoned.
You know, like you.
You couldn't really talk toanybody.
There wasn't a real connectionyou could make.
It was just kind of we'regetting through this, everybody,
just get to the end of the day.

Speaker 1 (08:42):
It was yeah, yeah, brittany was very, she was a
very emotional child.
Still am.
She's a very emotional person,you know, and for me she's a
cancer like me.
She's a cancer like me.
You notice my necklace.
She's a cancer like Casey.
I love it.
So, she was definitelychallenging for me, specifically

(09:03):
because I Definitelychallenging for me, specifically
because I for those that don'tknow didn't deal with emotion
for decades, like I didn't dealwith any of it.
I pushed it down.
It wasn't something that was.
It was messy, it wasuncomfortable for me.
I didn't have any interest inpursuing that or figuring that
out.
I thought that was a sign ofweakness which I think caused

(09:25):
problems with us.
You know, I wasn't able to bethe mom that really was able to
support you how you deserve tobe supported.
I set a horrible example foryou girls, specifically because
I think I started getting itfigured out, more so as time
went on, but definitely before Igot sober.
It was very transactional andit's interesting to hear you use

(09:48):
that phrase in describing ourhousehold and our family,
because that's exactly what itfeels like when you say that.
You know, and I think for achild, what a terrible thing.
You know, that hurts my heartfor you as that child, because I
would want to protect a littlegirl that didn't feel like she

(10:10):
was supported in all the waysyou know and uh, and I don't
remember a lot about theconversations or anything that
maybe would have been brought upother than yes, you just okay,
we're going here, we're doingthis, we're you know, lunch at
this time, dinner at this time.

Speaker 3 (10:24):
You're gonna wake up at time.
You're going to wake up at thistime.

Speaker 1 (10:25):
You're going to go to bed at this time.

Speaker 3 (10:26):
It was very much.
We knew what we had to do andthen we were just kind of in our
room, yeah, and it'sinteresting because I feel like
that's how I ran things.

Speaker 1 (10:36):
It's like I'm doing all the things, I'm hitting all
the points, project's done andeveryone has whatever, but there
was not like, hey, let'ssnuggle up on the couch and
watch a movie.
And I look at that from from aperspective of being a mom, and
you would think that would bereally important to do with your
children, you know.
So.
Then what does that look like?
After the fact, which you know,we've talked about, how I'm

(11:00):
honored to still be sitting hereand have Brittany want to have
a relationship with me, becauseI realized that I did all of
those things wrong, you know,and not in a.
I don't say that to be like, oh, you know anything other than
just acknowledging.

Speaker 2 (11:13):
But just acknowledging, I was.

Speaker 1 (11:15):
I was I was.
My focus was elsewhere, youknow.
And so to be able to heal thatstuff with Brittany has been
really the honor of my life,because she is open enough to
have those conversations with meand we've had the conversations
where she's told me the hardthings and where I've listened
and held her while she cries andscreams and all of the things,

(11:38):
because she's not wrong in anyof the feelings that she has.
And I think what a cool storyto be able to help you heal from
trauma that I caused.
You know, obviously you haveyour own road and your own path
of being able to go down to kindof fix those things, you know,
fix those things in yourself.
But I think I hope that it'seasier to be able to do that

(12:01):
when you have someone that's onthe other side of that, that's
willing to own up to all ofthose pieces.
Whether I remember it that wayor not, it doesn't matter, you
know.
And so I always liken that towhen you say you know, you
called your biological dad andsaid like I want, you know, to
try to work through some stuff,and he was like it wasn't like
that.
And I always just remember likewell, it wasn't like that for.

(12:21):
But how dare you not hold spacefor her Because that's what it
was like for her?
You know, when you look at thatyour childhood as an example
obviously I have my own set ofthings, that I'm looking through
different lenses and myperspective as the parent you're
the child in that situationwho's not being supported for
all of the emotional needs thatyou have.

(12:43):
Or, you know, sure great, youwere always fed, you always had
clothes, but that's literallylike the bare minimum.
You know we're supposed to.
You know, hold space for ourchildren and help them grow
emotionally and help them, youknow, deal with all of life,
whatever that is.
That was not a place I camefrom.
You know, like you said, havinga bunch of nannies, having
people I mean, thank God Caseywas as constant in your life,

(13:05):
thank God Belinda was a constantin your life, but hopefully
these ladies were able to offeryou know some stability in that
way as well, because I was outto lunch.
You know, may I ask you, uh,when you first realized that I
was an alcoholic?

Speaker 3 (13:24):
You know, for a long time I just thought that's how
adults were you just.
You just party all the time,like that's.
That's the benefit of being anadult is you get alcohol and so
for a long time.
And you know, like the weekendsI would spend over with Chris,
like in getting to see auntiedrinking and stuff, and it was
like no matter where I would go,it was always adults, always
drinking.
So I didn't realize that anyonereally was an alcoholic until

(13:46):
Emily went to rehab the firsttime, and you know, with Aunt
Maureen, and I think that'sreally when stuff, you know,
after I had left home, was whenI started to know.
But even then I had no ideabecause we didn't talk, like I
was in the dark.
And yeah, I think even now,like I look back on some of that
stuff and I've, I had no idea.

(14:08):
You know, nobody really told melike what a parent is supposed
to be or would not.
And I think about, like some ofthe stories I've told my
friends of, like the way that Iwas treated by you or Chris or
whatever, and it was like likethat's not healthy, like that's
not normal, and it's like well,like well, that was how I grew
up, like that's just normal tome.
So yeah, I didn't even know thatyou had a problem until it was

(14:32):
already way too bad.
I thought that that's just howadults were and that was
interesting that was my mom,that was my dad.
That's all I knew.

Speaker 4 (14:39):
I think too, because you you weren't a sloppy drunk,
you didn't know.
You were nice, you were fun.

Speaker 1 (14:44):
Yeah, you didn't, you were fun, that's when you would
cuddle me is when you weredrunk, then you'd pet my hair.

Speaker 3 (14:50):
Remember like blinda with dogs when she would kick
exactly that's when you get downright.

Speaker 2 (14:56):
That's when the best times happen exactly.

Speaker 3 (14:58):
So I was like, oh, that's, that's why people drink
is it's fun, it's good?

Speaker 4 (15:01):
yes for her for you, just yeah, having a good time
with your friends doing whateverexactly.
I can see how you would havebeen completely oblivious yeah,
I had no idea.

Speaker 3 (15:10):
I mean, it was even a problem.

Speaker 4 (15:12):
I was taking care of you guys at that time and I
didn't notice either you know, Iknew she drank, I knew she had
a good time.

Speaker 3 (15:18):
But yeah, but it was like everybody drinks, right,
you know like that's.

Speaker 4 (15:21):
I thought it was casual.

Speaker 3 (15:22):
I thought that's just what happened, so drinks right
you know, like that's I thoughtit was casual.

Speaker 1 (15:27):
That's just what happened.

Speaker 2 (15:27):
So when did you know I was an alcoholic?
Oh, that day we sat at thearrogant butcher and I said do
you think you'll ever stop?
And you go, no, and I'm likewhy?
It's because I don't want to.
And we you were at the condo wewent to go have lunch.
The only reason why I eventhought about it is because I

(15:54):
was already thinking about it inmyself and, being in an already
alcoholic family my dad, mygrandfather, my uncles I
recognize it, but like still indenial and also just unaware
because we were young.

(16:15):
So it wasn't like I had all theanswers or I knew.
It was just.
I think that time in my lifethere were so many things that I
knew weren't right and I wasquestioning.
I wasn't obviously talking toanyone about it, but there was
definitely things that I wasquestioning about myself and

(16:40):
yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:41):
So Brittany, do you go back and start reconciling
some of the stuff?
Do you realize that you have tofix the junk from your
childhood and do?

Speaker 3 (16:50):
you.
So how do you?
How do you feel?

Speaker 1 (16:52):
like you do the work associated with that.

Speaker 3 (16:55):
Oh, honestly, it's been a lot of different weird
things for me growing up,because I think and one thing I
brought up to you not too longago of like the brushing your
teeth thing, you know, you'dalways, you'd always ask us,
like, did you brush your teeth?
And whether or not we had wecould just say yes and get away
with it.
And, um, I always, for whateverreason in my head, you know,

(17:16):
because stuff was so scheduledin our lives, it was like, you
know, you wake up, you go to bed, like we're doing these things,
that's what you do.
I always thought I had to brushmy teeth, like when I woke up
and when I went to bed.
But I'm weird and I like to eatmy breakfast and then brush my
teeth because I don't want tohave toothpaste, like I like
orange juice, it's a whole thing, yeah, but ultimately, like you

(17:37):
know, I I thought you couldn't.
I, you know you have that weirdbrain block of like, well, I
missed the window to brush myteeth, it's not, I don't have to
.

Speaker 1 (17:45):
Exactly like I always thought it was a rebellious
like middle fingered him, momthing, oh I in my mind it.

Speaker 3 (17:51):
There's a schedule for things and I missed that
appointment and in the past yearI've broken that cycle of like.
I can brush my teeth literallyanytime, anywhere, no one can
stop me, no one's going to tellme it's too late in the day,
like it can be before breakfast,it could be after, I just and
just so many weird little thingslike that where you have to,

(18:12):
it's crazy.

Speaker 2 (18:13):
You can do it as many times as you want to.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (18:16):
With whatever flavor toothpaste you like you know,
you can even pick the color ofyour toothbrush.
You have so many options as anadult, endless.

Speaker 3 (18:23):
And as a kid, I think you, just, you know you think
things are one way becausesomebody told you that one time,
or you know you don'tunderstand to like think further
past something.
You're just like that's whatthe parents said, that's what I
have to do, whatever it is, andyou just don't think beyond that
.
So now as an adult, it's likeoh, I'm realizing I have all
these weird things in my head ofthat's not how things have to

(18:45):
be, that's not how I have to dothings, it's not how I feel and
you can just fix your shit rightand you can just fix your shit.

Speaker 1 (18:51):
I think once you realize that, it blows your mind
wide open because it's like Ihave control over any of this
stuff.
So I love that awakening foryou, because you realize it
doesn't matter what it is you do.
Say you put your pants on oneleg at a time or you put your
whatever.
It doesn't matter, you'relooking at it and you go.
Does that resonate with me?

(19:12):
Do I want to do it that way?
Because once you open your eyesto things, I feel like
everything becomes somethingthat you're curious about you
know, whatever it is it's?
why do I do it this way?
And even if you can't rememberand go back and figure it out,
you can say is this how I wantto do this?
Is this how I want to believethings?
You know, I was raised this way, to be X, y, z or blah, blah,

(19:34):
blah, blah, blah.
Does this land with me?
Does this resonate with me?
And if it doesn't, how do Iwant to change that?
What does land with me?
And that can also always change.
You don't have to just be set insomething that you were dealt
when you were growing up.
You know, I think the structureof things I felt like was
important to me.
You know, I felt like when Ifirst split up from from Chris,

(19:57):
it was okay, two weeks on, twoweeks off that was before really
cell phones and so I would haveto go two weeks without seeing
the girls or talking to them.
It was torture.
I mean, that's literallytorture, but it's like I would
shut that off because of theemotions associated with that
and it was all business, becauseI just I wouldn't, I wasn't
willing to allow myself to feelthat.

(20:19):
You know, and that feels grossto even say out loud right now
that I protected myself in that,without figuring out a better
way to work around that for yougirls.
You know, I think I think goingthrough a divorce with kids is
torture, just torture.

(20:40):
I mean little kids, it'storture.

Speaker 3 (20:44):
It was a messy divorce, it was yeah I saw the
messages he wrote like what ascumbag.
It's pretty bad.
Like props to you for gettingout of that abuse it's it's
pretty bad.

Speaker 1 (20:56):
It's a lot of that stuff is awful and and also you
know he was so hurt that hedidn't know to protect you girls
, you know you both were soyoung.

Speaker 3 (21:04):
Yeah, we totally were kids.
I was 24 years old, I had had.

Speaker 1 (21:07):
No, seriously I had you when I was 19.
I had emily when I was 22, youknow.
Then I'm going through adivorce at 24.
What does that even look like?
And I wouldn't change any of itfor the world.
But I look at some of the stuffthat I navigated at a very
young age.
I handled my own divorcebecause I couldn't afford an
attorney.
I, you know, dealt with justall of the things getting a

(21:29):
restraining order because it gotreally bad, and just trying to
protect you.
But he was very spiteful, youknow.
I would tell him and he knewhow I felt when we were married.
But you can't let the girlswatch movies that are not
appropriate, aged for them,right?
And he would do shit to spiteme where he would let you girls
watch R-rated movies, likehorror movies, when you were

(21:49):
little little girls.

Speaker 2 (21:50):
I was there, I know it was terrible.

Speaker 1 (21:52):
And it has fucked you both up from stuff like that.
Well, I mean, it still does,right, the stuff that Emily
still talks about and it's likegreat job.
Great job, Chris.
I've forgiven him for me, butgreat job.
So, for parents that arelistening when you're dealing
with a divorce, who cares howhurt you are with whatever that
situation is?
You guys are adults.

(22:13):
Protect those kids.
Don't bring them into.
You know the fact that youcan't.
Your feelings are hurt and youcan't get over that.
Someone decided to leave, sowhat?
Who cares?
Protect those kids, because nowyou have adults that are now
having to unpack all of the shitthat was handed down to you
during all of that time.

Speaker 3 (22:33):
I have nightmares for years, absolutely.
I mean mean I've just barelygotten over my night terrors.

Speaker 1 (22:39):
yeah, the ptsd medication I've been prescribed
right exactly as a 28 year oldwoman right, because because
someone wasn't adult enough tosay like, let's not do this to
our kids, they're, they'recoming from a place of spike to
the other parent.
I mean that's just.
And again, I don't think that Idid everything perfectly either
, but I look back at that.

Speaker 3 (22:52):
You didn't actively go out of your way to hurt us.

Speaker 1 (22:56):
I was just trying to protect you.
I was a ding-dong kid out tolunch myself just trying to keep
my head above water.
But I wasn't trying to spiteanyone by doing damage.

Speaker 3 (23:05):
No, that's one thing.
That's always crazy to me too,looking back on that, because I
remember going over to his houseon the weekends and he just
always had bad things to sayabout you.
There was never and yeah, if heever mentioned you at all, it
was to say something bad.
And you know, for me it waslike oh well, she's not that bad
, you know in my head.
I was like, whatever, he's gothis own trauma and it is like,

(23:26):
as an adult looking back on thatnow, I mean like that was just
so, so weird, like you neversaid a single thing about him
ever, like good or bad like notin front of you girls, not never
girls.
It wasn't, yeah, he actuallywas trying to turn us on you,
but it's like you were the oneprotecting us.
You're the one caring for us.
We were never likeuncomfortable or scared to be
around you.
Yeah, like it's just crazy, likethe manipulation that an adult

(23:49):
can have on a child and someoneyou're supposed to look up to
and trust and is supposed tocare about you, a place that's
supposed to be safe and yeah to,to manipulate you, for to get
back at your ex or, um, you know, because you're a bigger guy,
because you think, oh, I've gotthe power and it's like to
whatever people's sick, twistedminds have for playing like keep

(24:10):
kids out of it at the end ofthe day, please, just you're
absolutely right and I justthink for the rest of their life
, and especially because we have50 divorce rate right, half the
half the people are goingthrough divorce.

Speaker 1 (24:21):
I think half of the people that stay married don't
want to stay married, but theythink that they're doing the
right thing for the kids andit's like how are we not all
fucked up?
right, how are we not all fuckedup?
Because we're all dealing withthose things from our parents,
regardless of what it is thatthey're bringing to the table
and again, I realize everyone'sdoing the best that they can.
But that was something that wasreally important to me to not

(24:42):
talk bad about him in front ofyou girls, because who cares
that?
I think he's an asshole.
That was still your dad, youknow, and so I remember when we
were living at the Bernil house,so you must have been when we
lived there.

Speaker 3 (24:54):
You must have been 20 yeah, right so I don't, you
know, I've been out to collegejust for a very brief, yeah,
brief time.

Speaker 1 (25:02):
But I remember you, I still remember we were standing
in between closets over in myside of the house and you said
to me mom, I just want you toknow that I realized that you,
it must have really been hardfor you to not talk bad about
him.
Uh, and I get it and I get itand I really felt like you

(25:24):
understood that because I hurtin all of that stuff.
You know that he did somehorrible things throughout our
divorce.
I mean he was mean, he was mean, he was mean, he was so hurt
and he was so mean and it wasjust like to not speak out and
and vent and whatever.
But I always Cameron and I werealways very cognizant of not

(25:44):
speaking in front of you kids,not saying bad things about him
to you guys, knowing that youwould figure it out as you got
older and just to be able toreally love on you and try to
keep you guys safe in thatsituation.
But what a horrible feeling tohave your kiddos and then have
to send them over to their dadfor every other weekend or, you
know, whatever the parentingschedule was at whatever time

(26:06):
throughout.
Literally it was the mosthelpless feeling on the planet,
you know.

Speaker 3 (26:13):
I know this, like you know you can't go back and
change anything, but I wish youhad said something, because I
mean, obviously, like you can'tjust be like, oh you know, watch
out, he might be abusive.
But I had so many experiencesthat I've told people about
growing up and you know,obviously now I recognize that
it was abuse in so manydifferent ways.

(26:33):
But you know, as a kid, talkingto other friends and whatever,
and I didn't realize so many,you know, I think even told you,
like when I was 12, that whatwas happening and you're like oh
yeah, like that's not okay andlike then we had less time with
him, but like I didn't realizehe was abusing me.
Or you know, like a lot of thethings I thought like well,
that's just how dads are, likethat's just, that's normal,

(26:54):
that's casual, like I had noidea that what, like, what was
happening to me, was somethingthat I could have avoided.
Or that, you know, like thatthat's not what love is, that's
not.
You know, I don't know it.
Just so many things where I wishyou, you know, could have just
taken me out of there.
I wish I didn't have to bearound him.

(27:18):
I wish I didn't have to gothrough all those things but
ultimately, um, yeah, like youdon't know it's abuse, you don't
know that.
You think it's that's your dad.
That's just what dads do.
Like he's the dad, that's thedad thing, and no, like abuse is
not.
It's not in every relationship,it's not casual.
Dad should not be allowed to dothat.
No one should be allowed to dothat.

Speaker 1 (27:33):
It's not love what specifically are you talking
about?
Man, just like, if you'rewilling to share, yeah, if
you're not willing to share,please feel free to say like
being slapped in the face, beingchoked, being bullied.

Speaker 3 (27:46):
Basically, he bullied , he was a bully.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
He bullied me and my sister.

Speaker 3 (27:50):
I mean, you know, making us think that like he had
these like sick mental gameswhere he would like try to get
us to believe something and thenbe like, oh no, it's just a
joke, just a joke.
Or, like you know, have us, Idon't know, he was just, he was
very cruel and, you know, when Ilook back I think like he was
like a fun uncle, you know, likeyou know, like he would take us

(28:10):
to lego land or we'd go toglamis, we'd have all this fun
and then he'd get drunk.
And then you know, you, just youhope that you were asleep
already or somewhere else andthat he was busy enough doing
his own thing that he wouldn'tbother you.
But, um, yeah, if, if it waswhere you were still awake,

(28:30):
doing whatever, or he felt soinclined to be that angry.
You know, it's just unfortunatethat adults can hurt kids.

Speaker 1 (28:42):
Yeah, you're absolutely right, it is.
You know, how do you feel likeyou're healing from that, from
any of that?
That's trauma, that'sdefinitely trauma, and it hurts
my heart to think about a childwho's hoping that they're asleep
once their dad starts drinking,hoping that they don't have to

(29:04):
have interactions or hoping that.
I mean God, that breaks myheart.
Yes, that happens.
And here's the thing, this isthe thing that sucks People that
talk about with their kids andsplitting up and the other
parent having say that shithappens.
And I went to the court withdifferent things and there's

(29:24):
like there's nothing we can doabout it because that's just,
you know, that's his way ofparenting or that's this or that
, and it's like you can't getyour head around.

Speaker 3 (29:32):
Not everyone should be allowed to be a parent.
Right, absolutely.
But you just can't get yourhead around.

Speaker 1 (29:36):
The courts aren't there to help in those types of
situations.
But also, who are you helpingfrom?
Because I wasn't the best toyou either.
I mean, yes, I providedstructure and I didn't abuse you
guys and like in that way,whatever, but I wasn't also a
great parent.
So that's part of coming fromthe other side of that now and
like, what are you doing to healfrom stuff like that, because
you don't want to carry thatbaggage around?
You don't want to carry thatbaggage around if you ever

(29:58):
decided you wanted to be a mom,you know and, and you don't want
to carry that baggage around sothat you have all of those
triggers.
You got a mind, mind, field oftrigger opportunities in your
entire childhood.
So what do you do to to work onfixing that shit?

Speaker 3 (30:12):
I've definitely um had a lot of therapy over the
years, which I think has helpeda lot.
I think a big thing too isbeing able to talk with you and,
you know, with my sister, who'salso gone through some of the
experiences.
We haven't been able to have aton of conversations because it
is so emotional for us.

(30:32):
It, you know we do.
We just bring out the worst ineach other and especially
getting to that point ofemotional intensity, I mean I
don't think either of us hasreally fully delved into
everything that happened.
Um, because it is.
You know, there are periods oftime where she lived with him or
I lived with him, or you know,we both did and, um, we've both

(30:54):
just been through a lot withthat situation and I am doing my
best to talk about it to youknow, I'm on I don't know.
I think I've always beendepressed, but like I'm on
antidepressants, I'm on, yeah,my anxiety for my PTSD.
I've got all sorts of stuffgoing on that I'm working on.

(31:14):
You've introduced me to Reikiand what is the sound, the
breath works, breath works,amazing, amazing.
Would recommend 10 out of 10.
Get yourself a gal.

Speaker 2 (31:25):
Get yourself a gal.

Speaker 3 (31:27):
Yeah, I mean and that's the thing I think we've
talked about too is it's alifelong process.
It's not like you just stepthrough a door and you're like
right, then I'm healed.
It's, um, it's every day, it's.
I'm writing in my journal.
I have a little gratitude listI make every day, or as often as
I can.
Yeah, exactly, and as it comesup, looking at the positive side

(31:48):
of things, remembering, likeall the people that I do love,
all the good relationships thatI have, and it is just putting
the past behind you, letting itstay behind you and just
continuing to look forward.
And you know, pushing, pushinglove, positivity being the
change you want to see.
So, yeah, Interesting.

(32:08):
Did you?
Guys well I mean wow, is itthat good?
What would you like?
What would you like me to say?
What would you like me to sayafter?

Speaker 1 (32:17):
what you just shared Neato, neato, neato.
I mean my kiddos and my familyhave an exclusive opportunity to
bust my balls at any moment.

Speaker 3 (32:28):
So you just never know what's going to come out.
Have you talked about oursafety word as a family?
Oh, my God, it was instilledbecause of me, because I have so
many problems.

Speaker 1 (32:37):
wow, britney has anger issues, which I again.
You look back at where she'scome from and you can't blame
her for that.
You know there was a lot ofangry stuff that that came from
all sorts of stuff from allsorts of things.
So so britney does have a quicktrigger to to shoot first and
and not even worry about thebody count after the fact.

(32:59):
So one of my Cameron will sayit's one of my finer parenting
moments.

Speaker 3 (33:03):
No, honestly, that changed the game for our family
with that night.

Speaker 1 (33:07):
Yeah, so the girls would get into it, which made it
super uncomfortable for Wiley,because there's a seven-year
difference between Wiley andEmily, and so he's this little
boy who's just thinking he'sgoing through, and then Brittany
comes in, just guns a-blazing,you know, and Emily and her
would just get into it.

Speaker 3 (33:23):
Emily knows how to start the fire underneath me in
the worst way.
Emily knows how to push thebuttons.

Speaker 1 (33:27):
So, we as a family installed a safe word, which is
trigger fish, in our family andwe all had to sign a contract.
Contract which is if we're at aplace where somebody wants to
shut the conversation downbecause someone else is coming
in too hard on it or whatever,it is just not comfortable at
the time, it doesn't even matteryou don't have to have an

(33:48):
excuse, you can just triggerfish.
That, and we've been, I think,pretty good.
I mean, that was five, four orfive years ago that we
implemented that and I feel likethat's really been a game
changer for our family, becauseyou and Emily know how to push
each other's buttons.
Oh seriously.

Speaker 3 (34:02):
Does.

Speaker 1 (34:02):
Emily remind you of Chris?
Is that part of like when yousay you guys doing the work and
like working through some ofthat stuff together and how hard
that is, does she remind you of?
I mean, obviously of that timefor sure, but is that a thing?

Speaker 3 (34:19):
Kind of her but does is that a thing kind of?
I think more of my problem isthat I remind her of Chris and I
can, I like I feel the way thatshe treats me and the way I
don't know.
I guess I, yeah, being aroundher reminds me of that time and
I think, especially because westill have so much trauma and
you know things to talk aboutthat we just potentially may
never talk about I mean, thoseare sores or wounds or you know

(34:41):
it's just icky yuck.
That is always kind of betweenus.
That is unfortunate.
I would love to break throughthat or, you know, clean up that
emotional mess, but I don'tknow.
There's a lot of trauma therefor sure.

Speaker 2 (34:57):
It's just so fucked up, you know, like they didn't
do any of that and they have tofucking clean it up.
I know You're absolutely right,I mean and I'm talking from the
hot seat also, becauseobviously you grew up with my
kids same ages and I'm justsitting here listening to her

(35:17):
and thinking, well, chelsea wasnext to her for most of that.
So I'm I'm hearing you and it'svery helpful and it's very
impressive that you have come sofar, such a long way in such a
short period of time, which alot of us are doing these days.
Yeah, but you know, like doingthe work and doing all the

(35:41):
things that you're doing, nodoubt you'll be, you'll be,
you're already on your way.
So it's really good, but yeah,it's really fucked up.

Speaker 1 (35:51):
It's work.
It's work, you know, and Idon't you know, when we talk
about, yes, it's painful and yes, it's all the things.
But as you're working throughthese things, whatever they are
that are coming up, don't youfeel lighter in doing that?

Speaker 2 (36:03):
Don't you feel lighter as you?

Speaker 1 (36:04):
fix your shit and it's like again.
I always say this the traumathat happened to you when you
were a child is not your fault,but it is your responsibility to
fix it, because if you take thethings that you had that
happened to you as a child,which you have a whole pile of
them, I mean you're never goingto run out of material.
You have a whole pile of them.
But if you don't fix those andthen something comes in and
triggers that something in youand then you lash out at other

(36:27):
people, how is that?

Speaker 3 (36:29):
fair?
It's not.

Speaker 1 (36:30):
It's not, it's not, and you always take it out on
the people that are closest toyou.
So for me, it's when somethingtriggers me get curious.
Get curious.
Where is this coming from?
And is this something that Iwant to bring forward in my
adult life?
Cause I'm an adult now and Idon't have to come from the same
place of that hurt, woundedchild that dealt with the
abusive dad that dealt with youknow all of the trauma that came

(36:53):
from all of the things.
Yeah, you know Like everybodyhas a fucked up story from their
childhood.
You know I know very few peoplethat are like my childhood was
great.
I do know a few, but I knowvery few people.
I can count them on two fingers.
You know Everybody else hadshit that was messed up in
different, varying degrees fromdifferent adults in their lives

(37:14):
and in their past.
So it's like great degrees fromdifferent adults in their lives
and in their in their past.
So it's like great, but let'sclean that up.
And a lot of stuff you don'teven realize is a thing until it
sparks something and you comeout and you get triggered and if
you come from a place of anger,which is your mo right, every
time you get angry aboutsomething, get curious.
You know, because you know it'scoming from a place, if you're
defending something inside ofyourself that it was like, why

(37:34):
does that hurt?
You know?
You know it's like the wholebanana.
If you cut a banana, you can'treally tell from the outside
right, you're a beautiful woman.
You touch that spot, it's brownon the inside.
That wound doesn't just go awayunless you fix it, you know.
So fix it.
But you have to be willing tolook at that and then be curious
about it.
What did you see, casey, fromthe outside of things when the

(37:56):
kids were growing up?
I know you were part of theshuffling them, helping shuffle
them back and forth betweenhouseholds.

Speaker 4 (38:05):
Well, I definitely saw Brittany and Emily's
relationship get rough at times.
The one I remember mostspecifically is I think you
choked her or something,something about a hot dog.

Speaker 1 (38:19):
It got it got really broke Emily's nose.
Yeah, she fell on the ground.
Okay, she fell on the ground.
She didn't fall on the ground,no big deal, um.

Speaker 4 (38:29):
So there was a lot of just a lot of tension at times
with that um.
I also remember a time where Ihad to step away from you guys
because I just didn't know whatelse to do, but overall I felt
like you guys were just beingregular sisters.
But something that made methink of you guys when you were

(38:49):
little that made me really sadis how excited you were to see
your dad at the airport when youguys would be on your way to go
visit him and dropping you off,and seeing how excited you were
to see your dad at the airportwhen you guys would be on your
way to go visit him and droppingyou off and seeing how excited
you were, I didn't realize thatyou guys felt that way, that you
were, um, waiting for him tofall asleep and not be around.

(39:10):
So that was really hard for meto hear right now.
Um, it almost feels like you'rejust being passed on to whoever
and I feel guilty in some waynot even realizing that you felt
that way.
So I'm sorry if I ever let youdown in that way.

Speaker 3 (39:32):
No, you were there to catch me.
There's a bunch of people there, unfortunately.
No, you were there to catch me,you know it's a bunch of people
there unfortunately, it wasn'ther actual biological parents.

Speaker 4 (39:40):
Yeah, I mean they were the ones playing the hot
potato.

Speaker 3 (39:41):
Everybody else was there to be there for support,
but I don't know.

Speaker 4 (39:46):
I feel like I should have been more in tune with
something like that.

Speaker 3 (39:50):
We were very strong, you know, we didn't really let
on.
It's like we had like bruisesall over our legs or arms or
anything.

Speaker 4 (39:57):
Let on, it's like we had like bruises all over our
legs or arms or anything.

Speaker 3 (39:58):
It was and I think at the time, you guys didn't even
maybe realize.
Yeah, I know, because I thoughtthat was what parents were.
I thought that was normal.

Speaker 1 (40:02):
I don't think you do.
I literally, even after I wentthrough that whole divorce it, I
didn't realize how abusive thatwas until I've gotten healthy
and looking back at how thecontrol, how how you know when
someone is super controlling ofyou.
What a, what a mental abusesituation that is or you know
the mental and emotional abuse.
He was a mind game guy.

(40:23):
I mean, he was just and again.
I look back at that and he'snot the villain in my story
anymore.
I've forgiven him because hewas a broken man.
I look at the childhood that hewas raised in.
He was a man, you know so, doesit make it okay?
Of course it doesn't, but hurtpeople, hurt people.
There's a reason there's thatsaying, you know, and so he was
trying to take control overthings, because he never had

(40:44):
that when he was growing up youknow.
So then that was his power ofbeing able to control other
people.
But I look at it and I thinkhow did I even fall into that?
I just remember you.
I remember that Mother's Daywhen we left and and I came back
, we were gone for a couple ofhours.
Blinda and I went to a spa andthe girls were still really
young and he chewed into me inthe front fucking yard on

(41:06):
Mother's Day because I was gonean extra half hour hour,
whatever the hell it was that wewere gone and just belittled me
Like I can't even tell you, andI thought what am I doing here?
You know, I've started tounpack all of that stuff mainly
after the ayahuasca thing, whereit it became apparent that I
needed to work on those things,but I I didn't really take it

(41:29):
for the emotional and mentalabuse that it really was until
much later I just thought, yeah,that's fucked up and whatever.
But no, there's a lot of thatstuff.
That's really bad, because Iwould.

Speaker 3 (41:40):
Also, nobody was paying attention to us as kids,
you know everybody was doingtheir own thing and, yeah, like
we were passed around.
It wasn't like nobody wasasking us how we were doing,
like what was our day, like whathad happened.
It was just like, okay, well,now you're home, now you know,
go wash up, we're gonna havedinner.
Okay, well, dinner, we're goingto watch TV for an hour and
then go to bed.
I mean, it was, everything waslike very transactional, the

(42:01):
transactional word that hitshome for me because, I don't
disagree with that.

Speaker 1 (42:05):
You know, that's what it felt like from my side too,
because I thought that that waswhat I was supposed to be doing
is making certain that you hadthe things and the projects were
done, and if it wasn't me thatwas doing that, making certain
that I had people in place,either nannies or other people
that would be able to providethat.
But I look back at that,cameron, and I will say like, oh
, who was that one?
Or Wiley will be like, well,who was that one?

(42:26):
Nanny?
And I think I start doing themath and I'm like it doesn't
feel like stability.
You know that I provided to youguys, even though, and
especially, absolute crazinessof like, okay, we're going to
rip your whole entire house downand we're going to move you
over here.

Speaker 3 (42:39):
And now we're going to move you over here.
Use your bedroom in the diningroom.
I mean, oh my God, use aplastic siding wall for our
bedroom.
Yeah, we're going to do a homerenovation project.

Speaker 1 (42:46):
Don't worry, kids, all of your bedrooms are gone.
You're sleeping in the livingtoo.
Oh my god, it just happened.
I am a lunatic.

Speaker 2 (42:59):
I am a lunatic and then it goes back to belinda
with the bing bing jumping onthe trampoline.

Speaker 3 (43:01):
Well, you've always ran hard.

Speaker 2 (43:02):
Yeah, I mean especially especially when
you're married to chris likethat's all I remember is you
always moving, moving, moving,moving, doing something, doing
something, and and yeah, it didmake me I was exhausted just
watching.

Speaker 1 (43:17):
Yeah, and why did I feel like I had to do that?
I mean, I I look back at someof that and it's like I'm
exhausted just thinking about it.

Speaker 2 (43:25):
You're running from your demons part of your people
pleasing yeah, I did.

Speaker 1 (43:29):
You know it's crazy.
I I feel like I probably wasvery people pleasing in that in
that moment, because it was likeI'm going to be the perfect,
I'm going to be the perfect wife, I'm going to make sure that I
have everything held together,I'm going to be the the mom
who's got the cute kids and theblah, blah, blah, blah.
And I don't think I ever paidattention to anything inside
myself, ever when it came to allof that, because I had already

(43:49):
known that you just pusheverything down and just as long
as you keep doing that, thatworks until it doesn't right,
until the wheels come off.
Of that.
When you're 39 years old, youknow.
That's when I got sober andrealized like, oh, you're
supposed to show your emotions,those pesky things that keep
coming like that right exactly,but like when you would, when
you would have emotionaloutbreaks when you were a

(44:11):
teenager and dealing, or a childof any age, I'd close myself in
a bathtub or closet situation.

Speaker 3 (44:16):
So you would hear me as well and you would still hear
me and you would come down andsay can you stop crying so loud?
She's not wrong, and I wouldcry as hard as I could into a
pillow, I mean, I would cry allthe time.

Speaker 2 (44:28):
She's not wrong.

Speaker 3 (44:28):
I was crying for attention, essentially, and
couldn't get a break Nobodywanted to hear me crying.
Nobody wanted to help me.
It's very sad, doesn't thatfeel terrible?

Speaker 2 (44:38):
I'm just thinking of all the things that I did not to
you, but to my kids it's justand and then indirectly to you,
because half the time you werethere too.
So it's like anything that Idid to chelsea I did to you,
sorry I saw some nasty shit, forsure.

Speaker 3 (44:54):
But yeah, you know, I had my own parents to deal with
so ultimately I was just gladthat you weren't hitting me, you
know.
So yeah, there was a lot ofabuse on all sides, from all
sorts of parents, from all sortsof things.
I mean I've people aredisgusting no, because I know it
.

Speaker 2 (45:13):
yeah, I mean, I relive it in my head.

Speaker 4 (45:16):
Yeah, you know, and for a very long time, I've
always looked up to you.
And especially as a mom, not inall, I know, I was like red flag
, red flag, but this is thething, because the way I
interacted with you when I wasat home taking care of them yes,
you weren't there, but to me Iwas like she's getting shit done

(45:38):
, she's making a life for them.
So, seeing how you wouldinteract, I knew that you
weren't perfect.
I knew that there were thingsthat you could work on, but
there were things that I knowspecifically that I've taken
away from how you parent andlooking back, it's like maybe I
shouldn't have picked up thatone, like nothing major, but I

(45:58):
remember you used to tell thekids, like if they would ask you
something, and not in a meanway, you would more in a way of
like, yeah, whatever, but youwould say I don't care, whatever
, I don't care, I don't care.
And I say that to my kids allthe time and I've noticed that
it comes across as if I trulydon't give a fuck.
Yeah, when I really just meanlike, yeah, totally fine, yeah,

(46:19):
that's just a small one.

Speaker 1 (46:20):
But there's other things that have come up where
I'm like, hmm, Maybe Ann isn'tthe right person to be taking
parenting tips from no oneshould be taking parenting tips
from me.

Speaker 4 (46:31):
I think I learned a lot though.
Yeah, doing that.

Speaker 3 (46:32):
Lessons for sure.

Speaker 4 (46:33):
It's a classroom.

Speaker 2 (46:38):
It because lessons, for sure, it's a classroom.
It's a classroom, it really was.
Yeah, and I'm gonna disagreewith you, okay, because I
obviously she can tell youstories.
Yeah, I was the female versionof chris yeah, did you realize
that?

Speaker 3 (46:51):
oh yeah, no, I, I saw it, yeah yeah, what chris would
do to me, not to like the sameextent, but but her and Chelsea,
I mean it yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:58):
And I don't think I realized that.

Speaker 3 (47:01):
No, like Chris would beat me and she would beat
Chelsea, and not that it wasbeatings all the time, Sometimes
it was you know just yelling oryeah.
But I remember one of the worsttimes was in Lauren's room when
she was a little kid room.
When she was a little kid, youguys were all out partying and
whatever, and Chris like chokedme and like held me up against
the wall and after I'd thrown arock at Emily because we were
playing a game and I was scared,in the dark backyard patio it

(47:24):
was a whole thing.
It was so stupid.
But yeah, I was like scared formy life.
I was like you know it's, it'sscary to think like that's your
dad, that's supposed to be a funweekend like Like we're just
barbecuing, there's kids playinga game.

Speaker 2 (47:39):
And then, oh shit, I'm going to pass out and half
of the things I don't evenremember, like there was a lot
of situation happening, a lot ofjust interaction, because there
were so many kids andneighborhood kids and all the
kids and I was all about me.
So you know, if I wasn't havingfun and somebody interrupted me

(48:02):
, then you know I get madbecause I can't, and yeah.
So there are things that Laurenwould tell me and I go I'm sure
that's true, but I don'tremember right, yeah, and you
guys you wouldn't just like yeah.

Speaker 3 (48:18):
When I called Chris and tried to bring up you know
all this stuff that happened tome as a kid and he's like that
didn't happen.
I didn't do that.
That was your idea, like youwould.

Speaker 1 (48:27):
That was not a game, yeah, like.

Speaker 3 (48:29):
I was not asking to be hit out of your mind to think
that, yeah, no, kids don'tdeserve that.

Speaker 4 (48:37):
I'm curious when you moved to California to live with
him, how did that?
How did you feel when you foundout that was happening?
I was terrified.

Speaker 3 (48:45):
It's like please don't make me do this, like I
didn't have a choice.
Ultimately, I, I begged.
I like I'll change my ways,I'll do whatever I have to do.
I mean, no, it was just becausemy grades weren't good, like
ultimately, like I don't evenknow.
Like, I think like because Iwent my freshman year of my

(49:10):
first semester of the freshmanor sophomore year, yeah, but yes
, so so I think you were justcoming back when I first started
coming back to take care ofeverybody.
Yeah, and.

Speaker 4 (49:24):
Wiley was about five years old.

Speaker 3 (49:26):
Yeah, it was yeah, like I had my friends all back
home, like I didn't want toleave for that.
But then it was also like Iknew being with him just wasn't
going to be.
You know like safe it justbeing alone with him is not fun,
being around him like he's justaggressive and yeah, I just I
didn't want to go.
I didn't want to go at all and Ididn't have a choice, so that

(49:50):
was terrible.
I'm like it wasn't all bad, butagain, like as soon as he
starts drinking, it's all barsare off.
I remember just being yelled at, being slapped, hiding in my
room.
You know just, I don't havemany good memories, none.
Um, I met some cool friends.
It's cool, but, um, I didn'twant to go, not at all.

(50:12):
What was the question?
It hurts my heart too.

Speaker 1 (50:19):
I'm having a hard time figuring out how to process
all that, yeah.

Speaker 4 (50:23):
You know.

Speaker 1 (50:25):
I know that the more that we talk about this, the
more healing that comes fromthis, because I hope that you
can believe that I was doing thebest that I could with what I
had, I do, I know I do.
But hearing the otherperspective from you as an adult
, you know, and what that feltlike and what that was like
feels terrible.

(50:47):
You know, as it should, as itshould, you know, when you're
talking about him choking you upagainst the wall.
I'm sitting over here and I'mjust like I'm having to pull
back from old patterns because Iwant to just numb it and push
it down and I'm like, nope,we're just going to feel what
that feels like, because thefuck, what do you do?

(51:08):
You know?

Speaker 3 (51:09):
like I was a very small little girl.

Speaker 1 (51:11):
Yeah, yeah, that didn't have a protector, and
that was my dad.
He was supposed to take care ofme, he was supposed to love me
and um sometimes that doesn'tlook like it should.
How do you heal your heart inthat situation?
How do you provide forgiveness?

Speaker 3 (51:27):
Cameron, yeah, I don't have to forgive.

Speaker 1 (51:31):
Let's talk about that .
So, here's an interestingperspective and that's awesome.
So I told someone the other dayI think it was on Chrissy's
podcast, but I told her I had arealization the other day.
I've been doing all he wastalking about how much he loves
you girls and how important youare to him and how he has always

(52:03):
felt it's even better than himbeing your biological dad
because you guys chose him.
And I'm going to get emotionalsaying this, but I said I didn't
realize how much you loved thegirls and I didn't allow you
much you loved the girls and Ididn't allow you to have a full

(52:25):
seat at the parenting tablebecause I was trying to protect
you girls and I did thatincorrectly, because Cameron has
been the rock for our familyand you girls do that he really
has.
I don't know how to cry withmakeup on, just so you know.

Speaker 3 (52:37):
I'm really sorry.
You're doing great.
This is very naked for has.
I don't know how to cry withmakeup on.
Just so you know.
I'm really sorry You're doinggreat.

Speaker 1 (52:40):
This is very naked for me.
Hey I know Like I would reallylove some clothes.
Let's do it.
Would you girls hand her atissue please?
You don't want this one.
Trust me, you don't want theone that's here I sure can, but

(53:00):
Cameron has been the rock rock,you know, and for everyone, and
and he and he said yeah, he says.
I don't feel like I ever wasable to explain to you in a way
where you understood.
I don't see the girls anydifferently than I see wiley.

Speaker 3 (53:05):
Those are my girls, you know, and uh yeah, no, when
I talk to anybody, when I'm everin a conversation, when I say
my dad, I mean cameron, and Isay my biological father for
chris, because it is like right,cam Cameron is my dad.
I want to be able to say it tohis face, but I think there is
still part of me that has theassociation of dad as being a

(53:28):
bad thing, because for a longtime I thought what was
happening to me was what a dadwas supposed to be.
But Cameron is Cameron Cameronis.
Cameron, there should beanother word for that.
It's so funny because, whenEmily was younger.

Speaker 1 (53:42):
She drew a picture of our family dynamic for school,
and it was I have a mom, a dadand a Cameron.
And it was almost like she wasone-upping other kids at school.
I have a mom, a dad and aCameron and I just thought, god,
how lucky those girls are youknow to really be able to have
that because he has alwaysadored you guys and I just feel
like an asshole that I didn'treally realize that initially.

(54:03):
You know, I always I did, I, Idon't know.
I think I got twisted up in allsorts of stuff you're pretty
busy, well, I think it's.

Speaker 4 (54:11):
It's you protecting them and you know they're your
babies.
I know you're doing what youthink is right.

Speaker 1 (54:17):
it's crazy because I look back at some of some of my
limiting beliefs from beforeabout how things are supposed to
be or what you're supposed todo, and I've just blown most of
that shit right out of the waterand thought how did that ever
be?
How was that ever what Ibelieved?
You know, because it's just,it's outrageous.
And so to be able to be openminded enough to really realize

(54:37):
that has been awesome.
And I hope that you know, asyou're able to heal some of that
, that you're able to put thatinto whatever box you want that
to be, because I know thatCameron absolutely adores that
you know when you're, when youhave those conversations with
him or when you guys you know wewere talking the other night
about you guys reaching out andhaving a better relationship

(54:59):
just more contact and morewhatever.
And he's like I'm all in for allof that.
You know, which is exciting.
You know he says I would alwayswant them to to come to me.
I'm always here and, like allof the things, it's just as you
grow up and you move on.
I don't want to lose how closewe can be and just continue to
grow on that.
So I hope that, as you'rehealing from your wounds from
your biological dad and from youknow I'm not shy about I've

(55:22):
brought trauma to you as well,in whatever, form and fashion.
Shit.
God she's just she's not shyabout it, she's not shy about it
.

Speaker 3 (55:32):
No, you know, you were always better, you win.
You were always the lesser ofthe two evils I didn't
necessarily get to pick.

Speaker 1 (55:42):
The court decided, but I would have gone with you.

Speaker 3 (55:45):
God, it is rough sometimes.

Speaker 1 (55:46):
with this one, you could keep custody, I guess,
Lucky you.
I know what is one thing thatyou look back and think God, I
really wish you would have donethat better.
Whatever, it is like thebiggest thing that jumps out.

Speaker 3 (56:01):
Stopped at one, it's savage sorry no, it's a bad joke
, not a bad, that's a good joke.
Um, yeah, you know, just, Idon't think there's anything you
really could have done orchanged, or ultimately, your the

(56:24):
stories you've told me aboutyour family and your life
situations.
Yeah, I would have gotten thefuck out of there too.
And like, I'm sure chris wasattractive at one point and you
know he had a motorcycle or someshit, like whatever.
Sure you know somebody canthrow a check on you.

Speaker 2 (56:39):
Yeah, clearly, she hasn't listened to your podcast,
I know, or else she would know.

Speaker 1 (56:45):
I do want all of our nudies at home to realize that
my family doesn't actuallylisten to the podcast, so I
don't know why if they're scaredor like what's happening.
But that is not where I get mysupport from as it relates to
getting naked.

Speaker 3 (56:58):
You don't have to change anything.
Nothing has to be different.
I think I have so muchcharacter because of all the
abuse and truly I wouldn'tchange a thing.

Speaker 4 (57:09):
We all think you are because of what you've come from
and it makes you who you aretoday.

Speaker 3 (57:15):
You beat the fun into me.

Speaker 1 (57:18):
I didn't beat you so much, no, you didn't beat me, I
know I mean I wanted to, yeah,oh, I'm just kidding that you
would have those eyes though.

Speaker 3 (57:26):
Yeah, you never had the chancla, but you had, like
the auntie had the chunk yeah,the big chancla energy for sure
oh my god, that's you, belinda,for sure.

Speaker 2 (57:36):
Yeah I can't even say chancla, what is even?

Speaker 3 (57:39):
that what's a chancla ?
It's a sandal right.

Speaker 2 (57:42):
Don't listen to her your mom uses me, I don't know
how to say it.
I see memes online.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (57:48):
No, your auntie used to use that all the time, so
yeah, it's a shoe yeah.
Flip-flop, flip.
Well, this has been, I wouldsay, fun, but I do not feel like
this has been fun at all.

Speaker 3 (58:02):
This has been something not as painful as my
childhood.
This is a comedy podcast, right, I know she's doing great,
right, great uh well, thank you.

Speaker 1 (58:13):
thank you for coming and being vulnerable and sharing
your side of your childhood.
We will continue to work onhealing, that you know.
I'm going to use that as my mayI suggest.
So, since you don't listen tothe podcast, I will tell you
that in each one of the episodesI do a may I suggest and my may
I suggest for this week isbeing vulnerable enough to have

(58:36):
these kind of conversations,even if you have adult children.
Right, because I don't thinkyou realize how much healing can
come from being vulnerableenough to have these
conversations.
And, yes, it doesn't feel good,it hurts.

Speaker 3 (58:48):
It does hurt, it hurts on both sides.

Speaker 1 (58:50):
You cry, you scream, right, absolutely I mean it does
, but I think the healing thatit brings to really realize that
I only want you to win.
I only want you to win, I onlywant the best for you.
You know, and I know that Ididn't do a lot of stuff right.
I know that and I'm willing totake accountability for that.
But I also don't want you tocarry around through your entire
life anger and resentmenttowards me for not being

(59:11):
everything that you deserved andthat you needed me to be, you
know.
So I think I hope that it helpsyou, that I am willing to take
accountability for that, and Ihope that that you know offers
you some sort of healing for youso that you can not drag that
shit around through your life.
You know, because that's whatwe do.
You know you have the traumathat happens and then you drag
it around.
So I appreciate you fixing yourshit, especially as it relates

(59:33):
to me, because you know I get tobe the direct benefactor of an
improved relationship with you.

Speaker 3 (59:39):
Likewise.
I mean, it takes two to tango.

Speaker 1 (59:41):
It takes two to tango .

Speaker 3 (59:42):
I would not be as mentally sound as I am without
you also being as mentally soundas you are.
Yeah, I mean, I think sinceyou've gotten sober, I mean
things in our family have justbeen improving so much and I
think you were the center of thefamily before.
You kind of always will be.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
We defer to you, you and we are so much better
because you are yeah, I'm theeye of the storm, so when I'm
out of, control.

Speaker 3 (01:00:04):
It's exactly you have to take the reins back.

Speaker 1 (01:00:06):
Yeah we need you, I love it um, okay, well, that's
our time for today.
Uh, if you have questions orsuggestions, send us an email.
Our email address is ladies atletsgetnakedpodcastcom.
Please do all the things tosupport us by following, sharing
, rating, reviewing or whateverwe do for podcasts.

Speaker 3 (01:00:26):
Tie our logo onto a carrier pigeon.
Whatever you need to do, ifyou've got a squirrel in your
neighborhood, you can just do it.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
We'll catch everybody next time.
That's a wrap.
I'd love to help you getvulnerable.
Let's get naked.