April 10, 2025 • 66 mins
In this vulnerable conversation, Anne is joined by Casey and Belinda, who share their childhood experiences of sexual abuse and the aftermath of not being believed.
Casey reveals how her father’s abuse began at six, and the painful moment she was asked to apologize to him. Belinda recounts two assaults, the second of which led to her being labeled promiscuous. Both women describe the defense mechanism of “pretending to be asleep,” highlighting the helplessness of children in these situations.
Their stories show the lasting impact of unhealed trauma. Casey became a people-pleaser, while Belinda sought validation in harmful ways. This episode is a call to action: to teach children about bodily autonomy, create safe spaces to speak up, and, most importantly, believe them.
Join us in breaking the silence and supporting healing, because no child should carry the weight of sexual trauma alone.
This podcast dives deep into real, raw topics—think vulnerability, triggers, and childhood trauma. But just so we're super clear: I’m not a licensed therapist, mental health professional, or anything close. I’m just a human sharing stories, lessons, and life hacks based on personal experience and a whole lot of curiosity.
So, while you might find some golden nuggets here, this is not therapy and should never replace professional mental health care. If you or someone you love is going through it, please—seriously—reach out to a licensed therapist or healthcare provider. You deserve the real deal.
Need Help Now?
Here are a few amazing resources:
· 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): Call or text 988
· NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or nami.org/help
· Therapy Directory: psychologytoday.com
· Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
The opinions expressed on this show are ours and ours alone—no official organizations are responsible for what we say (or how much we overshare).
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.
Let's get naked.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Hey everyone, I'm Ann .
Welcome to the let's Get Nakedpodcast, where we dive deep into
vulnerability.
In this space, we'll explorewhat triggers us, uncover the
patterns holding us back anddiscover how to take charge of
our own growth.
If you're ready to dig in, bevulnerable and face the tough
stuff, then buckle up.
(00:33):
It's time to get naked.
For today's show, I'm going togive a trigger warning.
This conversation involves thetopic of sexual trauma.
I want to encourage you to bebrave and stay tuned in, even if
you feel triggered.
Triggers are not just moments ofdiscomfort.
They're actually invitations toget curious about why they're
(00:54):
affecting you.
They are opportunities toexplore the things we've buried
and the pain we've been avoidingInstead of running from them.
Use this moment to lean in andask yourself what part of this
conversation is stirringsomething inside of me.
Sometimes healing begins whenwe face what hurts, so take this
(01:16):
as an invitation to startfixing your shit.
Sexual abuse in young women is acrisis, one that often gets
swept under the rug or dismissedas an uncomfortable topic, even
though it devastates lives inways that are beyond
comprehension.
It doesn't matter if theperpetrator is a family member,
(01:38):
a friend, a teacher or astranger.
It's a violation of the deepestkind, one that shatters trust
and leaves lifelong scars.
When someone we trust, someonefamiliar, takes advantage of a
young woman, it's a betrayalthat's impossible to fully
(02:01):
articulate.
It changes the way she viewsrelationships, her sense of
safety and her understanding ofher own body.
The sense of being completelyunsafe and vulnerable is
overwhelming.
It leaves emotional wreckagebehind confusion, shame, guilt
and deep, deep pain.
(02:21):
Let's talk about healing.
Healing is so important.
When sexual abuse is notproperly addressed, it haunts
victims in ways that seep intoevery aspect of their lives.
A young woman who hasexperienced trauma often carries
that pain forward intoadulthood.
She might struggle with hersense of self-worth, may find it
(02:46):
difficult to establish healthyrelationships or feel completely
disconnected from her body.
She could develop copingmechanisms like self-harm or
unhealthy relationships becauseshe doesn't know how to handle
the overwhelming feelings thatcome from that kind of trauma.
It might manifest in moresubtle ways too A lack of trust
(03:16):
in people, a constant feeling offear or unease, or even
avoiding situations where shefeels she could be vulnerable.
The impact can show up incareer choices, in the way she
interacts with her children, infriendships and in her overall
sense of safety in the world.
If the trauma is not addressed,it can spiral into anxiety,
depression, substance abuse and,unfortunately, even
(03:38):
perpetuating cycles of abuse.
But here's the thing Healing ispossible.
It is necessary Therapy,support groups and a safe,
understanding environment canhelp someone break free from the
grip of trauma.
Speaking out about theexperience, breaking the silence
and confronting the painhead-on allows for growth.
(04:01):
Healing can take time, but it'sone of the most important
things that can be done, notjust for the survivor, but for
everyone around them.
And what about prevention?
How do we protect our younggirls, our daughters, our nieces
(04:21):
, our friends and our sisters?
The sad truth is there's nosingle solution, but we can do
so much to safeguard theirfutures.
It starts with being willing tohave the uncomfortable
conversations, teaching ourgirls about boundaries, about
what consent looks like, andgiving them the power and the
(04:44):
voice to say no without fear ofconsequences.
We must also teach them abouttheir worth and that they are
entitled to be treated withrespect at all times.
But it's not just abouteducating girls.
We need to teach boys and youngmen the importance of consent
and respect and hold themaccountable when they violate
that of consent and respect andhold them accountable when they
(05:09):
violate that.
We need to normalizeconversations about sexual
respect from an early age andmake sure there's no stigma when
someone speaks out about theirabuse.
We must also be more vigilant.
Establish an open and extremelysafe place for your children to
feel comfortable talking withyou about anything.
Safe place for your children tofeel comfortable talking with
you about anything.
Pay attention to yourchildren's behaviors, especially
(05:30):
if something feels off.
Ask questions in a way thatallows your children to open up.
Children often don't have thelanguage to express what's
happening to them, so they mightwithdraw, show signs of anxiety
or struggle in socialsituations.
Don't dismiss these signs asjust growing pains.
Listen to them.
(05:50):
We must create environmentswhere children feel safe enough
to speak up, where they knowthat if they tell someone about
their experiences, they will bebelieved, supported and taken
seriously.
This epidemic will not end untilwe collectively start standing
up for young women, not justwhen it's convenient or easy,
(06:12):
but always.
We need to be allies inbreaking the silence, supporting
survivors and ensuring the nextgeneration of girls can grow up
without having to carry theweight of abuse.
It is our responsibility.
Today I will be getting nakedwith Casey and Belinda.
These women are among thoseclosest and most important to me
(06:38):
in my life.
They both have stories ofsexual abuse as young girls and
both agree that it is imperativethat we be willing to have the
uncomfortable conversations.
They are brave enough to sitacross from me and tell their
stories in an effort to make adifference.
Welcome to the show, ladies, andI'm sorry that that was so
(07:03):
difficult for me to read and I'msorry that that was so
difficult for me to read.
I struggled this morningputting that together.
I usually wait until themorning of the show to kind of
put my rant together based onwhatever it is that we're going
to talk about, and leading up totoday's conversation has been
challenging for all three of us.
(07:24):
I know Today's conversation hasbeen challenging for all three
of us.
I know For the listenerswelcome Buckle up.
This is not going to be an easyconversation for anyone those
on this side of the mic andthose on that side of the
listening experience but Iencourage you to stay plugged in
and to get curious about whatthat's bringing up for you,
(07:49):
because I truly believe thathaving uncomfortable
conversations, normalizing andbeing supportive of, is the
biggest step in helping thismassive issue.
I believe that not being souncomfortable that you can't
have the conversation is huge.
(08:15):
So today we are going to startwith talking with Casey.
I will say that I've knownCasey for a long, long time
decades and I did not know aboutthe sexual abuse that Casey had
suffered as a child until morerecently in life.
(08:37):
I will tell you that a year anda half ago, casey came to me in
a capacity where she wasinterested in starting to fix
her shit and neither her or Iknew what that looked like at
that time.
And as we started workingthrough that, as we started
(09:03):
unpacking some of the thingsworking through that, as we
started unpacking some of thethings, it came out some of the
sexual trauma that she had dealtwith as a child and she said
back then I'm not willing totalk about that yet and I didn't
and I didn't and I will neverpush someone to talk about
something that they're not readyto do.
(09:23):
But we are a year and a halfpast that point of just starting
that process and not only isshe ready to talk about it, but
she's ready to talk about it ona platform that will be insanely
impactful to other girls andwomen listening so that they
understand and can feel likethey're not alone in a situation
(09:47):
, which is the biggest goal tocome out of this episode and
also to hopefully spark somethings so that other women know
how important it is to fix thattrauma and not continue to carry
it around.
Sexual trauma from childhoodespecially, I think, is so
(10:08):
important to fix.
I didn't realize that for myself, how important that was, until
much later in life, and I thinkabout all of the things that
could have been prevented had Ibeen willing or had the
understanding.
It wasn't even the willingnessback then, but the understanding
that that needed to be fixed,that there was work to be done,
(10:31):
that I could not drag thataround like a wrecking ball
behind me and have it affect somany different things had I been
willing to or had theunderstanding that it needed to
be fixed.
So I want you to know how proudI am of you for being willing
to come on today and tell yourstory, thank you.
So I would like to just startby maybe you telling a little
(10:53):
bit about like set the stage forwhat your childhood looked like
, and then we can kind of justdive in a little bit to what
your experience was and go fromthere, okay so growing up it was
my brother and I my youngerbrother were 15 months apart and
(11:15):
my mom and my dad.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
we grew up in California and growing up my mom
and my dad fought a lot.
My dad drank a lot.
He wasn't fun to be around.
He was scary.
There was times where he waskind of funny but she never
(11:39):
really knew what he was going tobe like.
So it wasn't really fun to bearound him.
When he was being funny it waslike why is he being funny?
It's not really.
It's not really that funny.
And yeah, it was just scary tobe around him and he was
(12:01):
cheating on my mom.
Just just not a fun childhood,but we had my grandparents and
they were very involved andthere was a on my mom.
Just not a fun childhood, butwe had my grandparents and they
were very involved and there wasa lot of love.
So we felt loved it was.
There was a lot of good timeson that aspect, but with my dad
it was just not nice Was hearound a lot and was the
(12:22):
grandparents were they hisparents or your mom's parents?
No, mom's parents his parents.
We knew them, but we weren't umsuper duper close.
His family is um, has a lot ofaddiction, has a lot of
alcoholism, a lot of troubles.
(12:43):
His dad's an alcoholic, was analcoholic.
Yeah, they're close.
I don't know we were close, butnot really all that close.
We knew who they were.
They were a lot older.
My dad's the youngest of five.
We don't really.
We weren't as close to them aswe were with my mom's side.
(13:10):
So there was a lot of love, butmostly on my mom's Got it Got it
.
So, yeah, okay, what age wereyou when you first remembered
stuff happening?
I don't know.
I want to say so in California.
We moved to Arizona when I waseight, so I base everything
(13:36):
thinking I was probably aboutlike six or seven and I don't
remember any details or anyspecifics of anything.
But I remember I was very closewith my mom and I remember one
time going to my mom and tellingher Mom, I think Dad's doing
something to me, I think Dad'stouching me or doing something
(14:03):
that he shouldn't be, and that'sliterally all I remember from
that conversation.
I don't remember if there wasmore that we said, more that she
talked to me about.
I don't think there was.
And I know that my mom wasgoing through a lot too, because
my dad was the way he was.
She was trying to keep ourfamily together.
(14:23):
He was all over the place.
You know there was times wherehe had a gun out, you know, like
to make it seem like he wasgoing to kill himself, kill her.
So she was trying to navigatethrough a lot of different
things and I'm I'm not trying tojustify that, but I I
(14:43):
understand like the chaos ofgoing through everything and
just not knowing what the fuckto do.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Right and I think that's important to say also
right.
Because again it doesn'tjustify her, but it also women
that long ago and in previousgenerations dealt with a whole
different set of circumstancesthan we do as women now.
Where it wasn't just oh, I'mgoing to grab the kids and go
(15:12):
make enough money to support mykids if we're in a dangerous
situation.
It didn't used to be like that.
You make it work.
Women didn't have choices, so Ilike to remind people of that,
because if I were listening andI heard what you're getting
ready to say, I would be like,well, fuck you, I'm out of here.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
It's different back then.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Well, and my mom was also sexually abused from
somebody in her family.
And you look the other way, youmove on, nothing goes on, it's
just okay.
Well, that's that's not good.
Well, what's for lunch?
Right, you know, like right, itjust.
(15:52):
You go on, um, and I feel likethere was probably some like
shock in her face or some thefeeling of being like what the
fuck did you just say, but Idon't remember what happened
after that.
Um, so time goes on.
We move to Arizona.
They're back and forth in theirmarriage.
He's an alcoholic still.
(16:13):
He's, you know, just not a goodperson, um, and they had
separated for some time, when Iwas, I think, 11, and maybe for
like a year or so, and then theyhad decided to get back
together and they bought a housein Scottsdale together and
(16:36):
during that time I was probablynow 12 or 13.
Probably now 12 or 13.
And, um, I was very close withmy mom and we would be at the
(16:58):
house just hanging around and inmy pajamas, and, um, I was I've
always had a large chest and Iwas walking around in my pajamas
without a bra, and my mom is amore touchy-feely person.
I would never.
This is not okay, I would neverdo this to my child.
But my mom felt that it wasappropriate and she came up to
(17:24):
me and was like, oh, your boobsare so big, something like that
and grabbed my boobs and I saidoh, don't do that, dad does that
.
and she went what you know?
What did you just say?
I said you know, dad does thatlike.
And I don't remember whatexactly was said right after
that, but I remember it gotcrazy from there.
(17:48):
I went to my room to hide in mycloset and all I remember
hearing my dad say because hewas drunk was I did not seduce
my daughter.
I did not seduce my daughter.
I did not seduce my daughter.
I did not seduce my daughter.
And it's like no one's sayingyou fucking seduced me, like
(18:11):
shut the fuck up.
You're fucking touching me,shut up.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
And yeah, he would in the middle of the night because
he would leave for work early.
He was an electrician so hewould come into my room before
everybody was up and grab me andI pretended to be asleep
because I was so scared I didn'tknow what to do and I don't
(18:38):
remember how many times.
I don't remember how many timesI don't remember like I can't.
I can remember moments of itbut I just can't put myself back
there.
It's like I can remember partsof it but I can't remember all
the specific details.
It's like too much, I block outtoo much of it.
(19:01):
But after I told my mom shewanted me to apologize to him,
she even I don't know if shebelieved me didn't believe me.
I don't know.
But even to this day sometimesseems like she doesn't believe
me and I think it's because shestruggles with him.
(19:24):
They're not married now still,but there were times where she
would need his help and I thinkshe felt guilty.
So she wanted there to be arelationship so she would feel
better, and so I did try to havea relationship with him at one
(19:48):
point as I got to be a youngadult.
But it's just, I don't wantthat from him.
He's not a good person.
Sorry, that's probably reallyall over the place, but it's
like it's, it's not.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
I'm just trying to hold my rage in right now.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
It's a lot.
Speaker 4 (20:04):
Because, that's what.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I feel I told you girls before we started that
this is actually harder for meto listen to your stories than
to tell my own, because I turninto like Mama Bear and if you
guys want, before we go to thespring training game this
afternoon, we can just go killthat motherfucker if you'd like
to.
That's what that makes me feellike, because it's one thing
(20:29):
when there are those of us thathave portions of our sexual
trauma that stem from otherchildren, right, I will stand on
a soapbox and tell you not tolet your children go have
sleepovers with friends thathave older boys, because that
happened a lot when I was achild and I look at that and I
say that sucks and that's messedup, but that wasn't an adult.
(20:52):
And when you start playing withsexual trauma, that has adults
involved in it, especially whenthat's supposed to be your
father.
Right, and you're not a uniquestory, just for everyone
listening.
Casey is one of a handful ofpeople that I know who has been
traumatized by her own father,her biological father, and to me
it is the worst betrayalBecause as a young girl, you're
(21:18):
supposed to be able to look atyour dad and have him be your
hero, no matter who he is right.
Some of us have better heroesthan others.
Some of our heroes arealcoholics, but at least they
didn't touch us kind of shitright.
Some of us had people thatmaybe they weren't amazing, but
at least they didn't do that,when you can't even look at him
(21:38):
in that situation in that light,because he was the one that
hurt you unacceptable on athousand different levels.
And then, if that wasn't enough, if it wasn't enough that you
didn't have a voice to tell himto get the fuck out of your room
, if you didn't have a voice tonot lay and pretend to be
(22:01):
sleeping because I know whatthat feels like and I think
there are a lot of women outthere that know what that feels
like regardless of who theperson is that's doing it to you
that goes into us not having avoice.
Right, I think we all haveexperienced that, or a lot of us
have experienced that, where wedidn't have a voice and it felt
(22:22):
like the easier thing to do tonot speak up, to not make waves
about it it's like I couldn'tbelieve it was happening either.
It's like what the I've hadthese conversations with other
people and they say to me howcould you not say something?
Because I had an older boy atone point where I was still a
minor and he was in his early20s and I was sleeping and I
(22:43):
just I could not believe it washappening.
And it was like what?
How were we raised not to havea voice?
Right, because we're not we'renot unique people in that, in
that story a lot of women havethat where they didn't have a
voice.
And it takes me right back tothose instances where I would
pretend to be asleep as well,because what does that even look
(23:05):
like if you say, hey, get offme, you fucking creep.
What does that look like?
So your scenario is somulti-layered in that it's a
family member, which to me, addsa whole other layer of things,
(23:27):
because your family is supposedto be your safe place.
It's your dad who's supposed tobe your protector and your hero
, which he's not.
It involves your mom, becauseyou told your mom and her
instinct was not to be able toprotect you and to get you out
(23:48):
of that situation.
Not only was it not to protectyou, but it was then to ask you
to apologize to him, to your dad, who's victimizing you, and
again we talk about it wasdifferent back then for women,
because it wasn't like womenwere in the workplace, women
were equal earners, women werewhere she would have even been
(24:11):
able to get you out of that to asafe place.
But I also think we're at a timenow where it's appropriate to
be loud, yeah, and break thecycle, because she was also
sexually abused, as you saidright, so she was just passing
down the trauma to you that thenwe've decided we're not going
(24:32):
to pass that down to ourchildren although some of us
already have because we didn'tfix it when they were young and
didn't know better.
Um, so you tell your mom andshe says did she not believe you
?
Is that, is that what thatlooks like?
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Yeah, I think she just didn't believe me or she
didn't want to believe Um, Ithink.
I think shortly after that theydid end up getting divorced,
because we they got divorced outof that house.
But also there were times thatI remember he would still be
(25:13):
drunk after that and I wouldcome home after school and he'd
be drunk and just doing weirdthings in front of me.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
What does that mean?
I told Belinda today it's aweird one you can say it or you
don't have to.
I don't want you to feel likeyou have to, but I also don't
want you to feel like you can'tor that you're protecting
someone.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
I don't care about protecting him.
I don't care about that.
It's fucking weird.
I'll say it, but it's weird.
Weird.
Alert Casey's getting ready tosay something weird.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
I'll say it, but it's weird.
Okay, weird alert.
Speaker 3 (25:46):
Casey's getting ready to say something weird, weird,
alert.
So the way our house was set up, the master bedroom, my
parents' room, was more in theliving room, like when you walk
in their bedroom, kind of likefaced the living room, like when
you walk in the their bedroom,kind of like face the living
(26:09):
room, like right there.
And I was in the living room.
Actually, I remember I was onthe phone with my friend too at
the same time.
I was on the phone with myfriend and I remember I remember
saying like oh my God, my dad'sbeing fucking weird.
And I didn't tell them what washappening Cause I was so
embarrassed, like what do you?
You can't say what's happening.
And he was like calling myattention like Casey, and I look
(26:37):
and he's bent over but he has ahole in his boxers and he's
like ha, how funny.
I'm like you're fuckingdisgusting, you're sick like
showing you his dick his balls.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Yeah, what the fuck oh my god, he's bent over, so
I'm like looking from behindwhat an animal.
Animal You're sick.
What an animal.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
And yeah.
So there's like things likethat where it's just I was
speechless, I was speechless.
I remember getting up now, Gosh, I haven't thought about some
of this stuff.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Isn't it crazy how?
it's opening that up for you asyou start exploring it.
So, again, this is the wholetrigger thing of allow your mind
to wander on the things.
Because and I'm going to stophere and take this as an example
for everyone If you allow yourmind to wander, while your mind
doesn't want to go there,because it's disgusting to think
about, because it brings itright to you in your space right
(27:41):
now and it makes you thinkabout all sorts of things and
it's the last thing you want tothink about, I guarantee you.
But if you allow your mind towander on that and release it,
telling yourself yourself yourversion now and your version
then that it was not your fault,right, that you did not deserve
this, this is part of thehealing, right is allowing your
(28:03):
mind to pull those things up.
So please go ahead.
But I just wanted to say thatit's just it's just like just
remembering it is.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
It's terrible, it's terrible.
I remember finally getting upand I was telling my friend like
my dad's being fucking weird.
And I remember getting up,going to my room, just shutting
the door and I could hear himmaking weird noises.
I don't know what he was doingand I think I ended up getting
up again and just going to thebackyard so I couldn't hear him
anymore.
And then shortly after that Ithink that's when they started
(28:36):
finally getting divorced.
And there was one time when mygrandma came over my mom's mom.
There was one time when mygrandma came over my mom's mom
and she's very intuitive.
I'm very close with her, very,very close.
They pretty much not raised mebecause my mom was very, you
know, she was very involved, butthey helped take care of my
(28:59):
brother and I a lot.
And I remember her coming overone day and she asked Did Daddy
do something to you?
Did Daddy do something to you?
And I remember her coming overone day and she asked did Daddy
do something to you?
Did Daddy do something to you?
And my mom had always said ifNona ever asks, if Dad ever did
anything, please it will killher and she is a very big
(29:25):
worrywart and that does weigh onme, because I love my grandma,
I love Nona with my whole heart.
She's my everything, she's soimportant to me and that weight
of like if something happened toher that would kill me, that
would kill me.
And so I said no, no, nothingever happened.
(29:48):
No, she said okay, okay, tothis day she has no idea.
I don't know if maybe sheprobably still has that feeling.
She knows, she knows Becauseeven like I went to my mom's
house the other day and my dad'sstill an alcoholic and my mom
(30:09):
and dad have had my dad willhave helped my mom with things
over the years because he's inconstruction or whatever and
would fix things, I would tellher I'm not coming over if he's
there.
And then that relationship kindof comes and goes and sometimes
he's around, sometimes he's notRight now.
He's not Right now, he's notaround.
But he called her when I wasthere and I could hear him on
(30:30):
the phone, just drunk and likecalling her a bitch.
Your mom, yeah, like recently.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Yeah, what a prize he's like.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
I just want to talk.
I just want to talk and she'slike about what?
Like there's nothing to say.
He's like you're just, I don't,I don't even know.
I like for what?
I have no clue, um, I don'teven know where I was going with
that, but yeah, just hearinghis voice, I haven't heard it in
years.
It was terrible to hear it.
(31:02):
I kept telling her hang up thephone she had on speaker phone
because her phone's not working,had it on speaker and I'm like
just hang up on him, hang up onhim and block him.
Like what's the point?
Speaker 1 (31:13):
there's no point she had it on speaker because she's
old and old people don'tunderstand this is true, I'm
just gonna lighten the mood justfor a minute, please, because
old people have no idea whenit's appropriate to have speaker
on or not, and I swear to God,I'm like fucking old person
alert.
Someone tell them we got tocome up with a code word or
(31:33):
something.
We did it at a restaurant.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
I know.
Speaker 4 (31:39):
She's talking in Spanish at the restaurant.
I'm like mom, speak it off Ifyou're those of a certain age,
and I don't mean our age I meanup a couple of generations just
go outside.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Or you could say, hey , could I call you later?
Speaker 2 (31:50):
That's also an option .
You know newsflash.
I wanted to point out somethingthat I noticed in what you were
just saying that I found to beimportant to point out.
Traditionally, we haveprotected the perpetrator.
Your mom protected him by notacknowledging that, by making
(32:18):
you apologize, by not removingyou from that situation because
she didn't want things to beuncomfortable with him.
That situation, because shedidn't want things to be
uncomfortable with him.
Your mom protected him byasking you to be a liar, which
again goes against who you are.
We've talked about that just asfar as you going against what
(32:38):
your body and what your gut andwhat you're knowing tells you is
right.
She protected him in thatmoment.
She's not protecting yourgrandma, your grandma's.
A strong woman.
She could handle that knowledge.
She's incredibly strong shecould handle that knowledge
right and I would encourage youto tell your grandma that would
(33:00):
be.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Well, she just had three seizures this past week.
I don't know if I could do that.
Yeah, how?
Speaker 2 (33:04):
old is she?
96.
10 out of 10 people die, casey,and I don't know.
I'm just I'm not ready.
You don't have to.
You don't have to.
I'm just telling you, don'tthink your grandmother is frail.
Your grandmother's a strongwoman.
That's why she asked thequestion in the first place,
right that your grandma couldn'thandle it.
Your mom couldn't handle, andnothing against your mom, but
(33:27):
the craziness that was going toget stirred up by your grandma.
Knowing Because your grandmaloved you and protected you and
would have done something to getyou out of that situation so
that you never had to look atthe underside of that man's
balls ever.
Your grandma would have donethat for you and you know that.
Speaker 3 (33:42):
And your mom couldn't handle that and that's okay
because she was doing the bestthat she could under the
circumstances and in that momentand we're going to show her
grace in that situation my momis an incredible person.
I don't.
I don't doubt that for a secondyeah, literally.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
Like I said, I I believe that we are dealing with
different generations of women,but what I will tell you is
that I'm proud to be in thegeneration that I am that says
now we're, we're not doing thatanymore.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
We're going to have the conversations.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
I don't give a shit.
Who's uncomfortable right?
Let's get uncomfortable Right,absolutely.
What do you feel like?
Because I mentioned earlierthat this was not something that
you had been even willing tokind of address or look at in
yourself until very recently inlife, in your late 30s, so we
(34:31):
drug that around this whole timewhat do you feel like that
looked like?
As far as how that affected youin and I don't need specific
instances about things, I'm notlooking for that but just what
does that do to you, casey,casey as a person, about how you
feel about yourself, how youcan trust or not trust yourself
(34:53):
or you know, any of the thingsthat kind of go into what make
Casey who she is.
How do you feel like that hasaffected you?
Speaker 3 (34:58):
in every possible way .
I think it I it's going to be ahard one for me to articulate
because I'm still figuring thatone out, but I do feel like it
shaped who I became and like apeople pleaser, I think it
(35:20):
really kind of made me like justdon't rock the boat, don't rock
the boat, don't rock the boat,don't rock the boat, don't rock
the boat.
Just whatever you got to do todon't keep everybody happy.
Um, you don't want to upsetanybody, just do do the things
that everyone's gonna be happy,it's okay.
Don't worry about what you need.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Everybody else needs to be happy which is what that
message was all the way through,from the very beginning Don't
worry about what Casey needs,right?
How different would that havebeen had that been the first
time that you came to your momand she said what?
And then immediately starteddigging into whatever that
looked like and defending andmaking you safe, because,
(36:04):
especially because of the factthat your grandparents were
involved, your mom could haveundoubtedly gone to them, even
if she couldn't have supportedyou guys on your own during
those times I had a place to goyou had a place to go right, so
you could have been made safe100
how.
What a different story thatwould have been right, and I
(36:25):
don't know if you've ever evenexplored that Right, but I will
encourage you to explore that,not from a it is what it is.
What happened is what it is,but I encourage you to explore
that from the standpoint of whatare we going to do now with our
children.
How could we have set them upfor success?
How could your situation beenset up for success?
(36:46):
You were six or seven years oldwhen it first started happening
or when you first hadrecollection of that.
Our minds are amazing tools.
Who will protect us and knowhow to compartmentalize that or
know how to disassociate ourbodies from our minds when those
things are happening, which iscrazy to explore in yourself?
(37:07):
I had very similardisassociating kind of things
from my childhood trauma andreally being able to dive into
that is very powerful.
But I look at that and I thinkput your situation in today's,
nowadays, right and say I'mmarried to an alcoholic and my
(37:29):
six-year-old daughter who Iwould say, at the stage that I
am in life now, I would havealready had conversations with
her about what is her body, whatis her agency, that this is
private and that you know yourbody is for you right, because
I'm not trying to shame herabout her body.
(37:50):
But also, you can come to mewith anything and if anything
feels off for any reason, youcome to me and we will handle it
right.
Having those age-appropriateconversations at a very young
age with children is how we dosomething about this.
Because had that happenedbecause you can't sometimes stop
(38:12):
certain things from happeningbut had that happened and had
you been a child who had beentold that information and had
gone to your mom and had yourmom believe you and then do
something to remove the threatfrom your home, from your home,
how different would that havebeen?
And then gotten you the helpthat you needed to process that
in a healthy way.
(38:33):
Right, because I will maintainthat it's not the actual act of
that happening that damages usso bad.
Yes, obviously that's terrible,but it's the shame and the
guilt and the protecting thefucking perpetrator in that
situation that does the mostdamage to you.
(38:53):
And then you drag that throughyour life and you carry that and
you pass that trauma on to yourchildren unknowingly.
That's just literally how itgoes.
So being here being willing tosay all the things right and say
this isn't okay, this isn'tokay.
What do we do?
What do we do?
What is our part to stop thisfrom happening?
(39:17):
And I think the biggest part ishaving the uncomfortable
conversations so that it sparksother people so that they think
I probably should have aconversation with little Susie,
because she's eight now andagain you're not going to like
scare her of the big bad wolf,but you're definitely going to
give her some tools and someunderstanding about your body.
Is your body and if someonemakes you feel uncomfortable,
(39:40):
you don't ever for a seconddoubt whether I'm on your side
or whether you should come talkto me about something because
I'm your biggest advocate,whether I'm on your side or
whether you should come talk tome about something because I'm
your biggest advocate and I'mgoing to fix that.
I'm going to make the bad mango away, right believing our
children.
That's all you needed, right?
And how amazing.
What a different story thatwould be.
Instead of you're almost 40years old now, just realizing,
(40:00):
fuck, I gotta deal with thisshit that I've been dragging
around with me my entire life.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
I didn't want to deal with it, right, and I think too
, that's why I attempted to havea little bit of a relationship
with him after I had my firstbaby, because it was almost
easier to just pretend like itdidn't happen and tell myself
like, oh, he's trying to be agood dad, he's trying to be a
(40:29):
grandpa.
It was always me, I was the onelike calling him and being like
hey dad, like trying to pretendlike oh, I have a good dad, I
don't have a good dad, like he'sa piece of shit, but how
powerful for you to even be ableto realize that and know that,
and you're knowing that youdon't have to protect him that
(40:49):
that's not your job to do that,and it is unfortunate that you
don't have a dad in that sense,because he is a piece of shit.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
But that's okay and what you were saying earlier
about it's just easier.
You're right, it is easier toallow the people that do this to
children to not beuncomfortable.
So we stay silent.
I would encourage everyone tofucking speak as loud as you
possibly can, full volume.
(41:17):
Teach our daughters.
Teach our daughters full volumeand then back them up with that
by getting them safe,acknowledging their truth,
getting them help to heal fromthat.
Absolutely.
Thank you for sharing yourstory.
I really appreciate it.
Hi, belinda, what's up?
(41:42):
Hey?
Speaker 3 (41:43):
girl hey, hey girl hey.
Speaker 2 (41:47):
Now we're on to you.
Will you set the stage for usor otherwise?
Tell your truth in a way thatyou feel appropriate.
Speaker 4 (41:58):
Yeah, I will.
So the other day, when we weretalking at our pre-meeting about
this whole situation, thisdiscussion, um, I had shut down,
um, in confusion, uh, notunderstanding what I was feeling
(42:20):
and and almost wasn't gonnacome and uh speak today.
But, um, I mean, the reason whyis why I'm here, the the, what
we're trying to, the messagewe're trying to send, is the
reason why I'm here, um, um.
(42:41):
So, in that, my uh experiences,my, the events that happened to
me, um, right away in the roomwith you, two guilt, right, so
that's, that's one thing that wekind of lives in in a lot of my
(43:04):
life lately and I've beentrying to recognize it, kind of
like pull it in and reconcilewherever it's coming from,
because it comes from a lot ofdifferent places.
But if we're talking aboutthese two situations in two days
(43:29):
, I have traced it, my guilt, tothe marriage that I was in All
the way, all these years, like.
So, when I was and the timingisn't, I haven't pinpoint, I try
to pinpoint it it was likebetween five and seven Is when I
was molested and, like you,casey, I and I had not really
(44:06):
brought light to this, but I waspretending to be asleep I was.
I had a sleepover and it was anolder male, not too much older,
but a few years older than I,and I fell asleep on the couch
(44:32):
with two people, a girl and aguy.
And so you know, I mean, it wasjust another sleepover, but
this one was different becausein the middle of the night still
dark, I don't even know whattime I felt a hand near my leg
(45:01):
and that's what startled me.
And so at that age time frame Iwore like tighter pants,
tighter shorts.
Sometimes they had a littleelastic, like bloomers.
These were kind of like thoseboard shorts right now, but
(45:27):
really tight.
So access was difficult andthat's really what saved.
A lot of.
It didn't turn into somethingelse because how tight my shorts
were, um, so I felt the hand,um, it did go through my shorts
(45:55):
and my underwear and then thatwasn't accomplished.
So it changed to an actualpenis and that was trying to get
shoved up there and that didn'tget accomplished shoved up
(46:20):
there, and that didn't getaccomplished.
Eventually it stopped.
But you know, I I stayed asleep,so to speak, and uh, and I
never said anything to anyonethat about that particular
instance.
I never, until.
I mean not at the time.
I mean, that didn't come outuntil like, well, actually, ann,
(46:43):
I think you're the first personI told, and then I might have
told another family member, butI don't remember when that would
have happened.
But I know I did tell my momand more recent in my life, and
(47:06):
I don't know that that stuck, Idon't.
I never went back and circledback around to ask her how she
like, like, felt about what Isaid, or did she hear what I
said?
Or you know what I mean Like sothat didn't you know it still
like carried on to be ignored,not listened to, unheard not
(47:32):
believed, unheard, not believed.
So that particular instancesince, I guess unknowingly,
nothing happened, years go by,I'm probably five to seven more
(48:01):
years go by and, um, this point,my parents are divorced.
It was a, it wasn't a greatmarriage, from what I remember
anyway.
Um, so I was pretty muchunsupervised, like the whole
time During the marriage I wasunsupervised.
I always went to a happy place,a safe place, to you know, get
(48:28):
away.
And so I mean, right now I justwas telling Casey, I was like,
oh my gosh, I always called itmy happy place.
It's actually my safe place.
My dad gave that to me.
I thank him for it, because hadhe not taken me there, it
wouldn't have been.
You know, that place for me formy whole life, like right now,
(48:51):
it is still the place for methat I feel the safest, that I
could breathe, that I couldbreathe, that I could think,
that I could just relax, and, um, anyway, uh, I always went
there, so, meaning I was neverhome, I was running the streets,
I was by myself for, like thosetimes, 5 to 7 to 10 to 12 to 15
(49:17):
, I walked to the beach, whichwas like three or four blocks,
but I was never supervised, so,and then I got into trouble, you
know.
And then I found things, Ifound people.
I found things, I found people,I did things, hung out and just
(49:38):
drank.
At the age of nine is when Ipicked up my first drink.
My parents had obviously beenin a rut.
They divorced when I was 10.
So a year later, I'm at mydad's and there's beer, there's
(50:01):
cigarettes, there's all thethings.
So you know, I'm smoking now at10 and I'm having a beer.
Just it's right there.
So I'll just go and do that.
And so I started drinking at ayoung age and which obviously
led to me not being aware notbeing just aware, I guess, right
(50:29):
, that's being aware of what isgoing on around me and I didn't
know what the fuck I was doing.
I just did whatever because Ididn't have any guidance.
So, like, okay, and, and mostof my family, um, on my dad's
side I saw as drinkers.
(50:50):
On my mom's side I didn't.
I can't let them off the hookcompletely because I didn't.
We weren't around them as muchlike I lived in my other side of
the family, so I can't say thatthey weren't drinkers.
But because I don't know, yeah,so I don't want to just say, oh
, my dad's family's drinkers,but, um, yeah, so that was a
(51:11):
thing.
And then, um, I get to a pointin my life where I have a
boyfriend and he, um, not he, um, I have a boyfriend and, um,
one night I just go and hang outat a friend's waiting for my
(51:36):
boyfriend to get off of work andmeet up with me.
It was a mutual place that weknew.
So I'm waiting and we'redrinking and we're playing cards
, and it was a place that I haveslept over before.
It was a place that I haveslept over before, so I ended up
(52:01):
getting drunk and passing out.
So I woke up to someone on topof me, physically inside of me,
(52:30):
and it wasn't my boyfriend,which who I was expecting Not to
be doing that, but likeexpecting that night, and I
(52:51):
didn't say anything, I moved, Iwas awake.
I was awake, I was aware, andso was he, and it didn't stop
until it stopped, Because Icouldn't say stop, because I
(53:14):
couldn't say no Because of whoit was.
And after he went away, he wentto the next room and I felt
(53:34):
guilty, and I felt guilty.
And I went over there and Ibegged him not to tell anyone
because of who it was and who itwould affect, and so that never
(54:01):
happened.
Actually, I take that back.
It did happen and I did saysomething initially, but because
it wasn't, it wasn't, uh, Iwasn't believed, um, and I don't
(54:22):
know the timing in between whenI, when I did tell people, um,
I felt like it was days, days,but it must have been like the
next night, because I'm stillthere in that room and it's I
(54:42):
can see the daylight.
And I told my family member and, um, I don't remember the
response there, but I know thatmy boyfriend came over and he,
he beat me up because he thoughtI was an active part in that
(55:16):
and I was not, and I got theshit beaten out of me and I
guess, since he didn't believeme, no one believed me.
I ended up telling my mom andthat didn't go over well either.
She didn't believe me.
So here I am, I got this bigletter A on my shoulder and no
(55:46):
one believed me and I acceptedthat and I made it my identity.
I made it my identity.
I made it my identity.
I accepted that they didn'tbelieve me and I was a big
scarlet and that kind of set thetone for the rest of my life.
(56:07):
I slept around a lot Before theage of 17,.
I slept around a lot andeverybody knew it.
Everybody knew I was ripe forthe taking.
Just come on over.
And at that point I was justlike, whatever, right, it didn't
(56:29):
matter, it didn't matter.
And I think because, well, I'mfinding out, working on myself
that those two events got me tobelieve that I was well.
First I was not heard and thenI, at the least, was devalued.
(56:52):
So I'm seeking validation fromall these people.
Right, I am, should I?
I had to write it down here, ohyeah, and then just not feeling
safe, right, so, running to mysafe place, going there, having
that be the only place, like inthat, and I never took anyone
(57:15):
with me, right, because it wasmy safe place.
But, um, just those things.
Um, so if I take uh that andthen I pile more things on right
, so I'm no longer valued.
I'm a big-ass fucking slut.
(57:36):
Nobody believes me.
I'm pregnant now.
On top of that, the dad getsmurdered.
On top of that, you know, yearsgo by.
I'm just like a mess.
I.
I'm numb, I don't know what I'mdoing right.
(57:59):
So, like here comes murder.
I still don't know I'm I'm.
I'm sitting in a pew with all ofthe people who think I'm a
fucking slut, embarrassed, fivemonths pregnant, at this funeral
that I don't even know why I'mthere.
I don't know why I'm there.
I don't know why I'm sittingthere.
(58:19):
I don't know what's happening.
It's like I'm looking at myselfsit there and I don't know why.
Why am I here?
But I couldn't say anything.
I felt like trapped inside ofmy body with no words, like I
couldn't speak, like my tonguewas taken out of my mouth and I
couldn't speak.
It was the weirdest thing, butthat was my literally like a
(58:46):
good chunk of my years where Ijust couldn't speak.
I had no voice.
I was numbed out.
No one believed you.
I was numbed out, no onebelieved you.
And then so, after you know, Ithink I'm doing good and I'm
moving from one state to another, just putting more
responsibility on myself, comingwith the second kid, you know,
(59:10):
and then not having.
I don't understand that.
I am seeking validation becauseof these two things, because
people don't, and this is themessage.
Right, All right, this is themessage.
It's like you don't feelvalidated, people don't hear you
because you're not being toldwhat is right and wrong, told
(59:40):
what what is right and wrong.
Speaker 2 (59:40):
So so for all those years, I take that with me
seeking validation from people,who I mean from anybody who
don't matter, who don't matterfrom anybody from anyone, anyone
that would fucking listen.
Speaker 4 (59:48):
But they weren't listening, they were just so.
So that goes into my, my, mylife to the next place where I
thought I was.
Everything was going to begreat.
Oh, it's going to be better,it's going to be safe and
whatever.
No it that?
That just piled on more, youknow, and then I have just those
(01:00:11):
things.
But then, shit, the death of mysister, the death of my dad I
never really so.
The death of my son's dad, thedeath of my father, the death of
my sister, never healed, neverwent through the grief of those
(01:00:32):
three huge people in my life.
And going, taking that andhaving that in my marriage.
Now I totally freaking get whyI felt like I needed my husband
(01:00:57):
at the time to look at medifferently, right, Well, you
put all of this, so you put allof this shit on top of a
foundation that sucked right.
Speaker 2 (01:01:07):
You're talking about I wasn't heard, I wasn't seen, I
wasn't any of the things, andthat spirals into putting myself
in an unsafe sexual situationsafterwards, and you're just
building on top of and buildingon top of, and so I will
maintain that.
You are literally dragging thistrauma around behind you like a
wrecking ball.
Yep, and had again same samething that we talked about with
(01:01:29):
casey.
Had the story been different,had someone heard you, had they
seen you, had they protected you, had they gotten you to where
it was safe, absolutely youwould have had a completely
different story.
But we're protecting theperpetrator.
We're making it so thateveryone stays comfortable,
except you, which literally, ifyou realize how uncomfortable
you will make it for everyone bydragging that wrecking ball
(01:01:51):
around behind you.
Maybe let's just deal with theinitial discomfort of the shit
that happens, rather than justletting this happen.
So, ladies, I think we couldtalk about this for more time,
but I just, emotionally, amfucking drained, and I think
both of you are as well.
I appreciate you coming on andsharing this.
(01:02:13):
I feel like this is huge.
I have one quick thing inclosing that I wanted to read,
unless either of you hadanything else that you wanted to
say.
Speaker 3 (01:02:27):
It was more therapeutic than I thought.
Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
It's powerful.
Speaker 4 (01:02:32):
Yeah, so thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:02:35):
You can't unring this bell.
That's where I'm starting this.
Once the trauma of sexual abusehas been inflicted, there's no
taking it back, and that's whythe prevention of sexual abuse
in children is not justimportant, it's urgent.
Every step we take to protectthem is a step towards ensuring
they don't have to carry alifetime of scars.
The reality is it takes justone moment, one predator, to
(01:02:57):
alter the course of a child'slife forever.
So we must be proactive increating a world where these
kind of horrors can't take placein the first place.
Prevention begins with education.
Children need to know theirbodies are their own and that
they have the right to say no toanyone family, friends or
strangers, strangers whensomething doesn't feel right.
It's critical that we teachkids about boundaries and
(01:03:18):
age-appropriate ways.
This means starting early,teaching toddlers about the
concept of personal space andprivacy and, as they get older,
teaching them more explicitlessons about consent, respect
and appropriate versusinappropriate behavior.
The language around this shouldbe simple, direct and
empowering.
Kids should know that if anyone, no matter how familiar, ever
(01:03:40):
touches them in a way that makesthem uncomfortable, it's not
their fault and they shouldspeak up immediately.
As parents, caregivers andeducators, we need to create
environments of trust wherechildren feel safe to express
their feelings.
They should never feel likethey'll be punished or blamed
for sharing their experiences,and this is where the work of
(01:04:02):
listening comes in.
Kids will often show subtlesigns that something is wrong
Changes in behavior, unexplainedfears, physical symptoms like
stomach aches or headaches, orwithdrawing from social
activities.
These might be signs thatthey've been exposed to abuse.
If a child speaks up, whetherdirectly or indirectly, they
need to be believed withouthesitation.
(01:04:22):
The silence or denial of abuseis one of the greatest
protectors of the predators whoabuse children.
I want to say that again thesilence or denial of abuse is
one of the greatest protectorsof the predators who abuse
children.
We need to end the shame andstigma around speaking out.
(01:04:44):
Predators thrive in secrecy andshame, so we must be vocal and
loud about protecting kids fromthis kind of harm.
Finally, we must empowercommunities to be active in
prevention.
Neighbors, friends and familymembers all have roles to play
in keeping children safe.
This means being vigilant,watching for red flags and
intervening when something feelswrong.
(01:05:06):
Adults need to be mindful ofhow children are treated in
their homes and if somethingseems off, they must speak out.
If we all keep our eyes wideopen and refuse to turn a blind
eye, we make it harder forpredators to operate in the
shadows.
When sexual abuse does occur,it's absolutely critical that
the healing process isprioritized, but the best
(01:05:27):
healing is prevention, and if wecan create a world where young
people feel empowered, respectedand supported, we might be able
to stop abuse before it evenbegins.
We can work to ensure that nochild ever has to face the pain
of being sexually violated inthe first place.
The responsibility falls on allof us parents, educators,
(01:05:47):
lawmakers, communities andsociety as a whole.
We owe it to the nextgeneration to do everything we
can to make sure their livesaren't derailed by trauma.
Sexual abuse is preventable,but only if we choose to stand
together and act.
Thank you, ladies, for spendingtime with me this morning.
That's all the time that wehave for day today and we went
(01:06:08):
over, so it is what it is.
If you have questions orsuggestions, send us an email,
ladies, atletsgetnakedpodcastcom.
Please share, rate and review.
Catch you next time.
That's a wrap.
Speaker 1 (01:06:27):
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.
Let's get naked.
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.
Let's get naked.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Hey everyone, I'm Ann .
Welcome to the let's Get Nakedpodcast, where we dive deep into
vulnerability.
In this space, we'll explorewhat triggers us, uncover the
patterns holding us back anddiscover how to take charge of
our own growth.
If you're ready to dig in, bevulnerable and face the tough
stuff, then buckle up.
(00:33):
It's time to get naked.
For today's show, I'm going togive a trigger warning.
This conversation involves thetopic of sexual trauma.
I want to encourage you to bebrave and stay tuned in, even if
you feel triggered.
Triggers are not just moments ofdiscomfort.
They're actually invitations toget curious about why they're
(00:54):
affecting you.
They are opportunities toexplore the things we've buried
and the pain we've been avoidingInstead of running from them.
Use this moment to lean in andask yourself what part of this
conversation is stirringsomething inside of me.
Sometimes healing begins whenwe face what hurts, so take this
(01:16):
as an invitation to startfixing your shit.
Sexual abuse in young women is acrisis, one that often gets
swept under the rug or dismissedas an uncomfortable topic, even
though it devastates lives inways that are beyond
comprehension.
It doesn't matter if theperpetrator is a family member,
(01:38):
a friend, a teacher or astranger.
It's a violation of the deepestkind, one that shatters trust
and leaves lifelong scars.
When someone we trust, someonefamiliar, takes advantage of a
young woman, it's a betrayalthat's impossible to fully
(02:01):
articulate.
It changes the way she viewsrelationships, her sense of
safety and her understanding ofher own body.
The sense of being completelyunsafe and vulnerable is
overwhelming.
It leaves emotional wreckagebehind confusion, shame, guilt
and deep, deep pain.
(02:21):
Let's talk about healing.
Healing is so important.
When sexual abuse is notproperly addressed, it haunts
victims in ways that seep intoevery aspect of their lives.
A young woman who hasexperienced trauma often carries
that pain forward intoadulthood.
She might struggle with hersense of self-worth, may find it
(02:46):
difficult to establish healthyrelationships or feel completely
disconnected from her body.
She could develop copingmechanisms like self-harm or
unhealthy relationships becauseshe doesn't know how to handle
the overwhelming feelings thatcome from that kind of trauma.
It might manifest in moresubtle ways too A lack of trust
(03:16):
in people, a constant feeling offear or unease, or even
avoiding situations where shefeels she could be vulnerable.
The impact can show up incareer choices, in the way she
interacts with her children, infriendships and in her overall
sense of safety in the world.
If the trauma is not addressed,it can spiral into anxiety,
depression, substance abuse and,unfortunately, even
(03:38):
perpetuating cycles of abuse.
But here's the thing Healing ispossible.
It is necessary Therapy,support groups and a safe,
understanding environment canhelp someone break free from the
grip of trauma.
Speaking out about theexperience, breaking the silence
and confronting the painhead-on allows for growth.
(04:01):
Healing can take time, but it'sone of the most important
things that can be done, notjust for the survivor, but for
everyone around them.
And what about prevention?
How do we protect our younggirls, our daughters, our nieces
(04:21):
, our friends and our sisters?
The sad truth is there's nosingle solution, but we can do
so much to safeguard theirfutures.
It starts with being willing tohave the uncomfortable
conversations, teaching ourgirls about boundaries, about
what consent looks like, andgiving them the power and the
(04:44):
voice to say no without fear ofconsequences.
We must also teach them abouttheir worth and that they are
entitled to be treated withrespect at all times.
But it's not just abouteducating girls.
We need to teach boys and youngmen the importance of consent
and respect and hold themaccountable when they violate
that of consent and respect andhold them accountable when they
(05:09):
violate that.
We need to normalizeconversations about sexual
respect from an early age andmake sure there's no stigma when
someone speaks out about theirabuse.
We must also be more vigilant.
Establish an open and extremelysafe place for your children to
feel comfortable talking withyou about anything.
Safe place for your children tofeel comfortable talking with
you about anything.
Pay attention to yourchildren's behaviors, especially
(05:30):
if something feels off.
Ask questions in a way thatallows your children to open up.
Children often don't have thelanguage to express what's
happening to them, so they mightwithdraw, show signs of anxiety
or struggle in socialsituations.
Don't dismiss these signs asjust growing pains.
Listen to them.
(05:50):
We must create environmentswhere children feel safe enough
to speak up, where they knowthat if they tell someone about
their experiences, they will bebelieved, supported and taken
seriously.
This epidemic will not end untilwe collectively start standing
up for young women, not justwhen it's convenient or easy,
(06:12):
but always.
We need to be allies inbreaking the silence, supporting
survivors and ensuring the nextgeneration of girls can grow up
without having to carry theweight of abuse.
It is our responsibility.
Today I will be getting nakedwith Casey and Belinda.
These women are among thoseclosest and most important to me
(06:38):
in my life.
They both have stories ofsexual abuse as young girls and
both agree that it is imperativethat we be willing to have the
uncomfortable conversations.
They are brave enough to sitacross from me and tell their
stories in an effort to make adifference.
Welcome to the show, ladies, andI'm sorry that that was so
(07:03):
difficult for me to read and I'msorry that that was so
difficult for me to read.
I struggled this morningputting that together.
I usually wait until themorning of the show to kind of
put my rant together based onwhatever it is that we're going
to talk about, and leading up totoday's conversation has been
challenging for all three of us.
(07:24):
I know Today's conversation hasbeen challenging for all three
of us.
I know For the listenerswelcome Buckle up.
This is not going to be an easyconversation for anyone those
on this side of the mic andthose on that side of the
listening experience but Iencourage you to stay plugged in
and to get curious about whatthat's bringing up for you,
(07:49):
because I truly believe thathaving uncomfortable
conversations, normalizing andbeing supportive of, is the
biggest step in helping thismassive issue.
I believe that not being souncomfortable that you can't
have the conversation is huge.
(08:15):
So today we are going to startwith talking with Casey.
I will say that I've knownCasey for a long, long time
decades and I did not know aboutthe sexual abuse that Casey had
suffered as a child until morerecently in life.
(08:37):
I will tell you that a year anda half ago, casey came to me in
a capacity where she wasinterested in starting to fix
her shit and neither her or Iknew what that looked like at
that time.
And as we started workingthrough that, as we started
(09:03):
unpacking some of the thingsworking through that, as we
started unpacking some of thethings, it came out some of the
sexual trauma that she had dealtwith as a child and she said
back then I'm not willing totalk about that yet and I didn't
and I didn't and I will neverpush someone to talk about
something that they're not readyto do.
(09:23):
But we are a year and a halfpast that point of just starting
that process and not only isshe ready to talk about it, but
she's ready to talk about it ona platform that will be insanely
impactful to other girls andwomen listening so that they
understand and can feel likethey're not alone in a situation
(09:47):
, which is the biggest goal tocome out of this episode and
also to hopefully spark somethings so that other women know
how important it is to fix thattrauma and not continue to carry
it around.
Sexual trauma from childhoodespecially, I think, is so
(10:08):
important to fix.
I didn't realize that for myself, how important that was, until
much later in life, and I thinkabout all of the things that
could have been prevented had Ibeen willing or had the
understanding.
It wasn't even the willingnessback then, but the understanding
that that needed to be fixed,that there was work to be done,
(10:31):
that I could not drag thataround like a wrecking ball
behind me and have it affect somany different things had I been
willing to or had theunderstanding that it needed to
be fixed.
So I want you to know how proudI am of you for being willing
to come on today and tell yourstory, thank you.
So I would like to just startby maybe you telling a little
(10:53):
bit about like set the stage forwhat your childhood looked like
, and then we can kind of justdive in a little bit to what
your experience was and go fromthere, okay so growing up it was
my brother and I my youngerbrother were 15 months apart and
(11:15):
my mom and my dad.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
we grew up in California and growing up my mom
and my dad fought a lot.
My dad drank a lot.
He wasn't fun to be around.
He was scary.
There was times where he waskind of funny but she never
(11:39):
really knew what he was going tobe like.
So it wasn't really fun to bearound him.
When he was being funny it waslike why is he being funny?
It's not really.
It's not really that funny.
And yeah, it was just scary tobe around him and he was
(12:01):
cheating on my mom.
Just just not a fun childhood,but we had my grandparents and
they were very involved andthere was a on my mom.
Just not a fun childhood, butwe had my grandparents and they
were very involved and there wasa lot of love.
So we felt loved it was.
There was a lot of good timeson that aspect, but with my dad
it was just not nice Was hearound a lot and was the
(12:22):
grandparents were they hisparents or your mom's parents?
No, mom's parents his parents.
We knew them, but we weren't umsuper duper close.
His family is um, has a lot ofaddiction, has a lot of
alcoholism, a lot of troubles.
(12:43):
His dad's an alcoholic, was analcoholic.
Yeah, they're close.
I don't know we were close, butnot really all that close.
We knew who they were.
They were a lot older.
My dad's the youngest of five.
We don't really.
We weren't as close to them aswe were with my mom's side.
(13:10):
So there was a lot of love, butmostly on my mom's Got it Got it
.
So, yeah, okay, what age wereyou when you first remembered
stuff happening?
I don't know.
I want to say so in California.
We moved to Arizona when I waseight, so I base everything
(13:36):
thinking I was probably aboutlike six or seven and I don't
remember any details or anyspecifics of anything.
But I remember I was very closewith my mom and I remember one
time going to my mom and tellingher Mom, I think Dad's doing
something to me, I think Dad'stouching me or doing something
(14:03):
that he shouldn't be, and that'sliterally all I remember from
that conversation.
I don't remember if there wasmore that we said, more that she
talked to me about.
I don't think there was.
And I know that my mom wasgoing through a lot too, because
my dad was the way he was.
She was trying to keep ourfamily together.
(14:23):
He was all over the place.
You know there was times wherehe had a gun out, you know, like
to make it seem like he wasgoing to kill himself, kill her.
So she was trying to navigatethrough a lot of different
things and I'm I'm not trying tojustify that, but I I
(14:43):
understand like the chaos ofgoing through everything and
just not knowing what the fuckto do.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Right and I think that's important to say also
right.
Because again it doesn'tjustify her, but it also women
that long ago and in previousgenerations dealt with a whole
different set of circumstancesthan we do as women now.
Where it wasn't just oh, I'mgoing to grab the kids and go
(15:12):
make enough money to support mykids if we're in a dangerous
situation.
It didn't used to be like that.
You make it work.
Women didn't have choices, so Ilike to remind people of that,
because if I were listening andI heard what you're getting
ready to say, I would be like,well, fuck you, I'm out of here.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
It's different back then.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Well, and my mom was also sexually abused from
somebody in her family.
And you look the other way, youmove on, nothing goes on, it's
just okay.
Well, that's that's not good.
Well, what's for lunch?
Right, you know, like right, itjust.
(15:52):
You go on, um, and I feel likethere was probably some like
shock in her face or some thefeeling of being like what the
fuck did you just say, but Idon't remember what happened
after that.
Um, so time goes on.
We move to Arizona.
They're back and forth in theirmarriage.
He's an alcoholic still.
(16:13):
He's, you know, just not a goodperson, um, and they had
separated for some time, when Iwas, I think, 11, and maybe for
like a year or so, and then theyhad decided to get back
together and they bought a housein Scottsdale together and
(16:36):
during that time I was probablynow 12 or 13.
Probably now 12 or 13.
And, um, I was very close withmy mom and we would be at the
(16:58):
house just hanging around and inmy pajamas, and, um, I was I've
always had a large chest and Iwas walking around in my pajamas
without a bra, and my mom is amore touchy-feely person.
I would never.
This is not okay, I would neverdo this to my child.
But my mom felt that it wasappropriate and she came up to
(17:24):
me and was like, oh, your boobsare so big, something like that
and grabbed my boobs and I saidoh, don't do that, dad does that
.
and she went what you know?
What did you just say?
I said you know, dad does thatlike.
And I don't remember whatexactly was said right after
that, but I remember it gotcrazy from there.
(17:48):
I went to my room to hide in mycloset and all I remember
hearing my dad say because hewas drunk was I did not seduce
my daughter.
I did not seduce my daughter.
I did not seduce my daughter.
I did not seduce my daughter.
And it's like no one's sayingyou fucking seduced me, like
(18:11):
shut the fuck up.
You're fucking touching me,shut up.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
And yeah, he would in the middle of the night because
he would leave for work early.
He was an electrician so hewould come into my room before
everybody was up and grab me andI pretended to be asleep
because I was so scared I didn'tknow what to do and I don't
(18:38):
remember how many times.
I don't remember how many timesI don't remember like I can't.
I can remember moments of itbut I just can't put myself back
there.
It's like I can remember partsof it but I can't remember all
the specific details.
It's like too much, I block outtoo much of it.
(19:01):
But after I told my mom shewanted me to apologize to him,
she even I don't know if shebelieved me didn't believe me.
I don't know.
But even to this day sometimesseems like she doesn't believe
me and I think it's because shestruggles with him.
(19:24):
They're not married now still,but there were times where she
would need his help and I thinkshe felt guilty.
So she wanted there to be arelationship so she would feel
better, and so I did try to havea relationship with him at one
(19:48):
point as I got to be a youngadult.
But it's just, I don't wantthat from him.
He's not a good person.
Sorry, that's probably reallyall over the place, but it's
like it's, it's not.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
I'm just trying to hold my rage in right now.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
It's a lot.
Speaker 4 (20:04):
Because, that's what.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I feel I told you girls before we started that
this is actually harder for meto listen to your stories than
to tell my own, because I turninto like Mama Bear and if you
guys want, before we go to thespring training game this
afternoon, we can just go killthat motherfucker if you'd like
to.
That's what that makes me feellike, because it's one thing
(20:29):
when there are those of us thathave portions of our sexual
trauma that stem from otherchildren, right, I will stand on
a soapbox and tell you not tolet your children go have
sleepovers with friends thathave older boys, because that
happened a lot when I was achild and I look at that and I
say that sucks and that's messedup, but that wasn't an adult.
(20:52):
And when you start playing withsexual trauma, that has adults
involved in it, especially whenthat's supposed to be your
father.
Right, and you're not a uniquestory, just for everyone
listening.
Casey is one of a handful ofpeople that I know who has been
traumatized by her own father,her biological father, and to me
it is the worst betrayalBecause as a young girl, you're
(21:18):
supposed to be able to look atyour dad and have him be your
hero, no matter who he is right.
Some of us have better heroesthan others.
Some of our heroes arealcoholics, but at least they
didn't touch us kind of shitright.
Some of us had people thatmaybe they weren't amazing, but
at least they didn't do that,when you can't even look at him
(21:38):
in that situation in that light,because he was the one that
hurt you unacceptable on athousand different levels.
And then, if that wasn't enough, if it wasn't enough that you
didn't have a voice to tell himto get the fuck out of your room
, if you didn't have a voice tonot lay and pretend to be
(22:01):
sleeping because I know whatthat feels like and I think
there are a lot of women outthere that know what that feels
like regardless of who theperson is that's doing it to you
that goes into us not having avoice.
Right, I think we all haveexperienced that, or a lot of us
have experienced that, where wedidn't have a voice and it felt
(22:22):
like the easier thing to do tonot speak up, to not make waves
about it it's like I couldn'tbelieve it was happening either.
It's like what the I've hadthese conversations with other
people and they say to me howcould you not say something?
Because I had an older boy atone point where I was still a
minor and he was in his early20s and I was sleeping and I
(22:43):
just I could not believe it washappening.
And it was like what?
How were we raised not to havea voice?
Right, because we're not we'renot unique people in that, in
that story a lot of women havethat where they didn't have a
voice.
And it takes me right back tothose instances where I would
pretend to be asleep as well,because what does that even look
(23:05):
like if you say, hey, get offme, you fucking creep.
What does that look like?
So your scenario is somulti-layered in that it's a
family member, which to me, addsa whole other layer of things,
(23:27):
because your family is supposedto be your safe place.
It's your dad who's supposed tobe your protector and your hero
, which he's not.
It involves your mom, becauseyou told your mom and her
instinct was not to be able toprotect you and to get you out
(23:48):
of that situation.
Not only was it not to protectyou, but it was then to ask you
to apologize to him, to your dad, who's victimizing you, and
again we talk about it wasdifferent back then for women,
because it wasn't like womenwere in the workplace, women
were equal earners, women werewhere she would have even been
(24:11):
able to get you out of that to asafe place.
But I also think we're at a timenow where it's appropriate to
be loud, yeah, and break thecycle, because she was also
sexually abused, as you saidright, so she was just passing
down the trauma to you that thenwe've decided we're not going
(24:32):
to pass that down to ourchildren although some of us
already have because we didn'tfix it when they were young and
didn't know better.
Um, so you tell your mom andshe says did she not believe you
?
Is that, is that what thatlooks like?
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Yeah, I think she just didn't believe me or she
didn't want to believe Um, Ithink.
I think shortly after that theydid end up getting divorced,
because we they got divorced outof that house.
But also there were times thatI remember he would still be
(25:13):
drunk after that and I wouldcome home after school and he'd
be drunk and just doing weirdthings in front of me.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
What does that mean?
I told Belinda today it's aweird one you can say it or you
don't have to.
I don't want you to feel likeyou have to, but I also don't
want you to feel like you can'tor that you're protecting
someone.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
I don't care about protecting him.
I don't care about that.
It's fucking weird.
I'll say it, but it's weird.
Weird.
Alert Casey's getting ready tosay something weird.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
I'll say it, but it's weird.
Okay, weird alert.
Speaker 3 (25:46):
Casey's getting ready to say something weird, weird,
alert.
So the way our house was set up, the master bedroom, my
parents' room, was more in theliving room, like when you walk
in their bedroom, kind of likefaced the living room, like when
you walk in the their bedroom,kind of like face the living
(26:09):
room, like right there.
And I was in the living room.
Actually, I remember I was onthe phone with my friend too at
the same time.
I was on the phone with myfriend and I remember I remember
saying like oh my God, my dad'sbeing fucking weird.
And I didn't tell them what washappening Cause I was so
embarrassed, like what do you?
You can't say what's happening.
And he was like calling myattention like Casey, and I look
(26:37):
and he's bent over but he has ahole in his boxers and he's
like ha, how funny.
I'm like you're fuckingdisgusting, you're sick like
showing you his dick his balls.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Yeah, what the fuck oh my god, he's bent over, so
I'm like looking from behindwhat an animal.
Animal You're sick.
What an animal.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
And yeah.
So there's like things likethat where it's just I was
speechless, I was speechless.
I remember getting up now, Gosh, I haven't thought about some
of this stuff.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Isn't it crazy how?
it's opening that up for you asyou start exploring it.
So, again, this is the wholetrigger thing of allow your mind
to wander on the things.
Because and I'm going to stophere and take this as an example
for everyone If you allow yourmind to wander, while your mind
doesn't want to go there,because it's disgusting to think
about, because it brings itright to you in your space right
(27:41):
now and it makes you thinkabout all sorts of things and
it's the last thing you want tothink about, I guarantee you.
But if you allow your mind towander on that and release it,
telling yourself yourself yourversion now and your version
then that it was not your fault,right, that you did not deserve
this, this is part of thehealing, right is allowing your
(28:03):
mind to pull those things up.
So please go ahead.
But I just wanted to say thatit's just it's just like just
remembering it is.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
It's terrible, it's terrible.
I remember finally getting upand I was telling my friend like
my dad's being fucking weird.
And I remember getting up,going to my room, just shutting
the door and I could hear himmaking weird noises.
I don't know what he was doingand I think I ended up getting
up again and just going to thebackyard so I couldn't hear him
anymore.
And then shortly after that Ithink that's when they started
(28:36):
finally getting divorced.
And there was one time when mygrandma came over my mom's mom.
There was one time when mygrandma came over my mom's mom
and she's very intuitive.
I'm very close with her, very,very close.
They pretty much not raised mebecause my mom was very, you
know, she was very involved, butthey helped take care of my
(28:59):
brother and I a lot.
And I remember her coming overone day and she asked Did Daddy
do something to you?
Did Daddy do something to you?
And I remember her coming overone day and she asked did Daddy
do something to you?
Did Daddy do something to you?
And my mom had always said ifNona ever asks, if Dad ever did
anything, please it will killher and she is a very big
(29:25):
worrywart and that does weigh onme, because I love my grandma,
I love Nona with my whole heart.
She's my everything, she's soimportant to me and that weight
of like if something happened toher that would kill me, that
would kill me.
And so I said no, no, nothingever happened.
(29:48):
No, she said okay, okay, tothis day she has no idea.
I don't know if maybe sheprobably still has that feeling.
She knows, she knows Becauseeven like I went to my mom's
house the other day and my dad'sstill an alcoholic and my mom
(30:09):
and dad have had my dad willhave helped my mom with things
over the years because he's inconstruction or whatever and
would fix things, I would tellher I'm not coming over if he's
there.
And then that relationship kindof comes and goes and sometimes
he's around, sometimes he's notRight now.
He's not Right now, he's notaround.
But he called her when I wasthere and I could hear him on
(30:30):
the phone, just drunk and likecalling her a bitch.
Your mom, yeah, like recently.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Yeah, what a prize he's like.
Speaker 3 (30:40):
I just want to talk.
I just want to talk and she'slike about what?
Like there's nothing to say.
He's like you're just, I don't,I don't even know.
I like for what?
I have no clue, um, I don'teven know where I was going with
that, but yeah, just hearinghis voice, I haven't heard it in
years.
It was terrible to hear it.
(31:02):
I kept telling her hang up thephone she had on speaker phone
because her phone's not working,had it on speaker and I'm like
just hang up on him, hang up onhim and block him.
Like what's the point?
Speaker 1 (31:13):
there's no point she had it on speaker because she's
old and old people don'tunderstand this is true, I'm
just gonna lighten the mood justfor a minute, please, because
old people have no idea whenit's appropriate to have speaker
on or not, and I swear to God,I'm like fucking old person
alert.
Someone tell them we got tocome up with a code word or
(31:33):
something.
We did it at a restaurant.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
I know.
Speaker 4 (31:39):
She's talking in Spanish at the restaurant.
I'm like mom, speak it off Ifyou're those of a certain age,
and I don't mean our age I meanup a couple of generations just
go outside.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Or you could say, hey , could I call you later?
Speaker 2 (31:50):
That's also an option .
You know newsflash.
I wanted to point out somethingthat I noticed in what you were
just saying that I found to beimportant to point out.
Traditionally, we haveprotected the perpetrator.
Your mom protected him by notacknowledging that, by making
(32:18):
you apologize, by not removingyou from that situation because
she didn't want things to beuncomfortable with him.
That situation, because shedidn't want things to be
uncomfortable with him.
Your mom protected him byasking you to be a liar, which
again goes against who you are.
We've talked about that just asfar as you going against what
(32:38):
your body and what your gut andwhat you're knowing tells you is
right.
She protected him in thatmoment.
She's not protecting yourgrandma, your grandma's.
A strong woman.
She could handle that knowledge.
She's incredibly strong shecould handle that knowledge
right and I would encourage youto tell your grandma that would
(33:00):
be.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Well, she just had three seizures this past week.
I don't know if I could do that.
Yeah, how?
Speaker 2 (33:04):
old is she?
96.
10 out of 10 people die, casey,and I don't know.
I'm just I'm not ready.
You don't have to.
You don't have to.
I'm just telling you, don'tthink your grandmother is frail.
Your grandmother's a strongwoman.
That's why she asked thequestion in the first place,
right that your grandma couldn'thandle it.
Your mom couldn't handle, andnothing against your mom, but
(33:27):
the craziness that was going toget stirred up by your grandma.
Knowing Because your grandmaloved you and protected you and
would have done something to getyou out of that situation so
that you never had to look atthe underside of that man's
balls ever.
Your grandma would have donethat for you and you know that.
Speaker 3 (33:42):
And your mom couldn't handle that and that's okay
because she was doing the bestthat she could under the
circumstances and in that momentand we're going to show her
grace in that situation my momis an incredible person.
I don't.
I don't doubt that for a secondyeah, literally.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
Like I said, I I believe that we are dealing with
different generations of women,but what I will tell you is
that I'm proud to be in thegeneration that I am that says
now we're, we're not doing thatanymore.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
We're going to have the conversations.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
I don't give a shit.
Who's uncomfortable right?
Let's get uncomfortable Right,absolutely.
What do you feel like?
Because I mentioned earlierthat this was not something that
you had been even willing tokind of address or look at in
yourself until very recently inlife, in your late 30s, so we
(34:31):
drug that around this whole timewhat do you feel like that
looked like?
As far as how that affected youin and I don't need specific
instances about things, I'm notlooking for that but just what
does that do to you, casey,casey as a person, about how you
feel about yourself, how youcan trust or not trust yourself
(34:53):
or you know, any of the thingsthat kind of go into what make
Casey who she is.
How do you feel like that hasaffected you?
Speaker 3 (34:58):
in every possible way .
I think it I it's going to be ahard one for me to articulate
because I'm still figuring thatone out, but I do feel like it
shaped who I became and like apeople pleaser, I think it
(35:20):
really kind of made me like justdon't rock the boat, don't rock
the boat, don't rock the boat,don't rock the boat, don't rock
the boat.
Just whatever you got to do todon't keep everybody happy.
Um, you don't want to upsetanybody, just do do the things
that everyone's gonna be happy,it's okay.
Don't worry about what you need.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Everybody else needs to be happy which is what that
message was all the way through,from the very beginning Don't
worry about what Casey needs,right?
How different would that havebeen had that been the first
time that you came to your momand she said what?
And then immediately starteddigging into whatever that
looked like and defending andmaking you safe, because,
(36:04):
especially because of the factthat your grandparents were
involved, your mom could haveundoubtedly gone to them, even
if she couldn't have supportedyou guys on your own during
those times I had a place to goyou had a place to go right, so
you could have been made safe100
how.
What a different story thatwould have been right, and I
(36:25):
don't know if you've ever evenexplored that Right, but I will
encourage you to explore that,not from a it is what it is.
What happened is what it is,but I encourage you to explore
that from the standpoint of whatare we going to do now with our
children.
How could we have set them upfor success?
How could your situation beenset up for success?
(36:46):
You were six or seven years oldwhen it first started happening
or when you first hadrecollection of that.
Our minds are amazing tools.
Who will protect us and knowhow to compartmentalize that or
know how to disassociate ourbodies from our minds when those
things are happening, which iscrazy to explore in yourself?
(37:07):
I had very similardisassociating kind of things
from my childhood trauma andreally being able to dive into
that is very powerful.
But I look at that and I thinkput your situation in today's,
nowadays, right and say I'mmarried to an alcoholic and my
(37:29):
six-year-old daughter who Iwould say, at the stage that I
am in life now, I would havealready had conversations with
her about what is her body, whatis her agency, that this is
private and that you know yourbody is for you right, because
I'm not trying to shame herabout her body.
(37:50):
But also, you can come to mewith anything and if anything
feels off for any reason, youcome to me and we will handle it
right.
Having those age-appropriateconversations at a very young
age with children is how we dosomething about this.
Because had that happenedbecause you can't sometimes stop
(38:12):
certain things from happeningbut had that happened and had
you been a child who had beentold that information and had
gone to your mom and had yourmom believe you and then do
something to remove the threatfrom your home, from your home,
how different would that havebeen?
And then gotten you the helpthat you needed to process that
in a healthy way.
(38:33):
Right, because I will maintainthat it's not the actual act of
that happening that damages usso bad.
Yes, obviously that's terrible,but it's the shame and the
guilt and the protecting thefucking perpetrator in that
situation that does the mostdamage to you.
(38:53):
And then you drag that throughyour life and you carry that and
you pass that trauma on to yourchildren unknowingly.
That's just literally how itgoes.
So being here being willing tosay all the things right and say
this isn't okay, this isn'tokay.
What do we do?
What do we do?
What is our part to stop thisfrom happening?
(39:17):
And I think the biggest part ishaving the uncomfortable
conversations so that it sparksother people so that they think
I probably should have aconversation with little Susie,
because she's eight now andagain you're not going to like
scare her of the big bad wolf,but you're definitely going to
give her some tools and someunderstanding about your body.
Is your body and if someonemakes you feel uncomfortable,
(39:40):
you don't ever for a seconddoubt whether I'm on your side
or whether you should come talkto me about something because
I'm your biggest advocate,whether I'm on your side or
whether you should come talk tome about something because I'm
your biggest advocate and I'mgoing to fix that.
I'm going to make the bad mango away, right believing our
children.
That's all you needed, right?
And how amazing.
What a different story thatwould be.
Instead of you're almost 40years old now, just realizing,
(40:00):
fuck, I gotta deal with thisshit that I've been dragging
around with me my entire life.
Speaker 3 (40:08):
I didn't want to deal with it, right, and I think too
, that's why I attempted to havea little bit of a relationship
with him after I had my firstbaby, because it was almost
easier to just pretend like itdidn't happen and tell myself
like, oh, he's trying to be agood dad, he's trying to be a
(40:29):
grandpa.
It was always me, I was the onelike calling him and being like
hey dad, like trying to pretendlike oh, I have a good dad, I
don't have a good dad, like he'sa piece of shit, but how
powerful for you to even be ableto realize that and know that,
and you're knowing that youdon't have to protect him that
(40:49):
that's not your job to do that,and it is unfortunate that you
don't have a dad in that sense,because he is a piece of shit.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
But that's okay and what you were saying earlier
about it's just easier.
You're right, it is easier toallow the people that do this to
children to not beuncomfortable.
So we stay silent.
I would encourage everyone tofucking speak as loud as you
possibly can, full volume.
(41:17):
Teach our daughters.
Teach our daughters full volumeand then back them up with that
by getting them safe,acknowledging their truth,
getting them help to heal fromthat.
Absolutely.
Thank you for sharing yourstory.
I really appreciate it.
Hi, belinda, what's up?
(41:42):
Hey?
Speaker 3 (41:43):
girl hey, hey girl hey.
Speaker 2 (41:47):
Now we're on to you.
Will you set the stage for usor otherwise?
Tell your truth in a way thatyou feel appropriate.
Speaker 4 (41:58):
Yeah, I will.
So the other day, when we weretalking at our pre-meeting about
this whole situation, thisdiscussion, um, I had shut down,
um, in confusion, uh, notunderstanding what I was feeling
(42:20):
and and almost wasn't gonnacome and uh speak today.
But, um, I mean, the reason whyis why I'm here, the the, what
we're trying to, the messagewe're trying to send, is the
reason why I'm here, um, um.
(42:41):
So, in that, my uh experiences,my, the events that happened to
me, um, right away in the roomwith you, two guilt, right, so
that's, that's one thing that wekind of lives in in a lot of my
(43:04):
life lately and I've beentrying to recognize it, kind of
like pull it in and reconcilewherever it's coming from,
because it comes from a lot ofdifferent places.
But if we're talking aboutthese two situations in two days
(43:29):
, I have traced it, my guilt, tothe marriage that I was in All
the way, all these years, like.
So, when I was and the timingisn't, I haven't pinpoint, I try
to pinpoint it it was likebetween five and seven Is when I
was molested and, like you,casey, I and I had not really
(44:06):
brought light to this, but I waspretending to be asleep I was.
I had a sleepover and it was anolder male, not too much older,
but a few years older than I,and I fell asleep on the couch
(44:32):
with two people, a girl and aguy.
And so you know, I mean, it wasjust another sleepover, but
this one was different becausein the middle of the night still
dark, I don't even know whattime I felt a hand near my leg
(45:01):
and that's what startled me.
And so at that age time frame Iwore like tighter pants,
tighter shorts.
Sometimes they had a littleelastic, like bloomers.
These were kind of like thoseboard shorts right now, but
(45:27):
really tight.
So access was difficult andthat's really what saved.
A lot of.
It didn't turn into somethingelse because how tight my shorts
were, um, so I felt the hand,um, it did go through my shorts
(45:55):
and my underwear and then thatwasn't accomplished.
So it changed to an actualpenis and that was trying to get
shoved up there and that didn'tget accomplished shoved up
(46:20):
there, and that didn't getaccomplished.
Eventually it stopped.
But you know, I I stayed asleep,so to speak, and uh, and I
never said anything to anyonethat about that particular
instance.
I never, until.
I mean not at the time.
I mean, that didn't come outuntil like, well, actually, ann,
(46:43):
I think you're the first personI told, and then I might have
told another family member, butI don't remember when that would
have happened.
But I know I did tell my momand more recent in my life, and
(47:06):
I don't know that that stuck, Idon't.
I never went back and circledback around to ask her how she
like, like, felt about what Isaid, or did she hear what I
said?
Or you know what I mean Like sothat didn't you know it still
like carried on to be ignored,not listened to, unheard not
(47:32):
believed, unheard, not believed.
So that particular instancesince, I guess unknowingly,
nothing happened, years go by,I'm probably five to seven more
(48:01):
years go by and, um, this point,my parents are divorced.
It was a, it wasn't a greatmarriage, from what I remember
anyway.
Um, so I was pretty muchunsupervised, like the whole
time During the marriage I wasunsupervised.
I always went to a happy place,a safe place, to you know, get
(48:28):
away.
And so I mean, right now I justwas telling Casey, I was like,
oh my gosh, I always called itmy happy place.
It's actually my safe place.
My dad gave that to me.
I thank him for it, because hadhe not taken me there, it
wouldn't have been.
You know, that place for me formy whole life, like right now,
(48:51):
it is still the place for methat I feel the safest, that I
could breathe, that I couldbreathe, that I could think,
that I could just relax, and, um, anyway, uh, I always went
there, so, meaning I was neverhome, I was running the streets,
I was by myself for, like thosetimes, 5 to 7 to 10 to 12 to 15
(49:17):
, I walked to the beach, whichwas like three or four blocks,
but I was never supervised, so,and then I got into trouble, you
know.
And then I found things, Ifound people.
I found things, I found people,I did things, hung out and just
(49:38):
drank.
At the age of nine is when Ipicked up my first drink.
My parents had obviously beenin a rut.
They divorced when I was 10.
So a year later, I'm at mydad's and there's beer, there's
(50:01):
cigarettes, there's all thethings.
So you know, I'm smoking now at10 and I'm having a beer.
Just it's right there.
So I'll just go and do that.
And so I started drinking at ayoung age and which obviously
led to me not being aware notbeing just aware, I guess, right
(50:29):
, that's being aware of what isgoing on around me and I didn't
know what the fuck I was doing.
I just did whatever because Ididn't have any guidance.
So, like, okay, and, and mostof my family, um, on my dad's
side I saw as drinkers.
(50:50):
On my mom's side I didn't.
I can't let them off the hookcompletely because I didn't.
We weren't around them as muchlike I lived in my other side of
the family, so I can't say thatthey weren't drinkers.
But because I don't know, yeah,so I don't want to just say, oh
, my dad's family's drinkers,but, um, yeah, so that was a
(51:11):
thing.
And then, um, I get to a pointin my life where I have a
boyfriend and he, um, not he, um, I have a boyfriend and, um,
one night I just go and hang outat a friend's waiting for my
(51:36):
boyfriend to get off of work andmeet up with me.
It was a mutual place that weknew.
So I'm waiting and we'redrinking and we're playing cards
, and it was a place that I haveslept over before.
It was a place that I haveslept over before, so I ended up
(52:01):
getting drunk and passing out.
So I woke up to someone on topof me, physically inside of me,
(52:30):
and it wasn't my boyfriend,which who I was expecting Not to
be doing that, but likeexpecting that night, and I
(52:51):
didn't say anything, I moved, Iwas awake.
I was awake, I was aware, andso was he, and it didn't stop
until it stopped, Because Icouldn't say stop, because I
(53:14):
couldn't say no Because of whoit was.
And after he went away, he wentto the next room and I felt
(53:34):
guilty, and I felt guilty.
And I went over there and Ibegged him not to tell anyone
because of who it was and who itwould affect, and so that never
(54:01):
happened.
Actually, I take that back.
It did happen and I did saysomething initially, but because
it wasn't, it wasn't, uh, Iwasn't believed, um, and I don't
(54:22):
know the timing in between whenI, when I did tell people, um,
I felt like it was days, days,but it must have been like the
next night, because I'm stillthere in that room and it's I
(54:42):
can see the daylight.
And I told my family member and, um, I don't remember the
response there, but I know thatmy boyfriend came over and he,
he beat me up because he thoughtI was an active part in that
(55:16):
and I was not, and I got theshit beaten out of me and I
guess, since he didn't believeme, no one believed me.
I ended up telling my mom andthat didn't go over well either.
She didn't believe me.
So here I am, I got this bigletter A on my shoulder and no
(55:46):
one believed me and I acceptedthat and I made it my identity.
I made it my identity.
I made it my identity.
I accepted that they didn'tbelieve me and I was a big
scarlet and that kind of set thetone for the rest of my life.
(56:07):
I slept around a lot Before theage of 17,.
I slept around a lot andeverybody knew it.
Everybody knew I was ripe forthe taking.
Just come on over.
And at that point I was justlike, whatever, right, it didn't
(56:29):
matter, it didn't matter.
And I think because, well, I'mfinding out, working on myself
that those two events got me tobelieve that I was well.
First I was not heard and thenI, at the least, was devalued.
(56:52):
So I'm seeking validation fromall these people.
Right, I am, should I?
I had to write it down here, ohyeah, and then just not feeling
safe, right, so, running to mysafe place, going there, having
that be the only place, like inthat, and I never took anyone
(57:15):
with me, right, because it wasmy safe place.
But, um, just those things.
Um, so if I take uh that andthen I pile more things on right
, so I'm no longer valued.
I'm a big-ass fucking slut.
(57:36):
Nobody believes me.
I'm pregnant now.
On top of that, the dad getsmurdered.
On top of that, you know, yearsgo by.
I'm just like a mess.
I.
I'm numb, I don't know what I'mdoing right.
(57:59):
So, like here comes murder.
I still don't know I'm I'm.
I'm sitting in a pew with all ofthe people who think I'm a
fucking slut, embarrassed, fivemonths pregnant, at this funeral
that I don't even know why I'mthere.
I don't know why I'm there.
I don't know why I'm sittingthere.
(58:19):
I don't know what's happening.
It's like I'm looking at myselfsit there and I don't know why.
Why am I here?
But I couldn't say anything.
I felt like trapped inside ofmy body with no words, like I
couldn't speak, like my tonguewas taken out of my mouth and I
couldn't speak.
It was the weirdest thing, butthat was my literally like a
(58:46):
good chunk of my years where Ijust couldn't speak.
I had no voice.
I was numbed out.
No one believed you.
I was numbed out, no onebelieved you.
And then so, after you know, Ithink I'm doing good and I'm
moving from one state to another, just putting more
responsibility on myself, comingwith the second kid, you know,
(59:10):
and then not having.
I don't understand that.
I am seeking validation becauseof these two things, because
people don't, and this is themessage.
Right, All right, this is themessage.
It's like you don't feelvalidated, people don't hear you
because you're not being toldwhat is right and wrong, told
(59:40):
what what is right and wrong.
Speaker 2 (59:40):
So so for all those years, I take that with me
seeking validation from people,who I mean from anybody who
don't matter, who don't matterfrom anybody from anyone, anyone
that would fucking listen.
Speaker 4 (59:48):
But they weren't listening, they were just so.
So that goes into my, my, mylife to the next place where I
thought I was.
Everything was going to begreat.
Oh, it's going to be better,it's going to be safe and
whatever.
No it that?
That just piled on more, youknow, and then I have just those
(01:00:11):
things.
But then, shit, the death of mysister, the death of my dad I
never really so.
The death of my son's dad, thedeath of my father, the death of
my sister, never healed, neverwent through the grief of those
(01:00:32):
three huge people in my life.
And going, taking that andhaving that in my marriage.
Now I totally freaking get whyI felt like I needed my husband
(01:00:57):
at the time to look at medifferently, right, Well, you
put all of this, so you put allof this shit on top of a
foundation that sucked right.
Speaker 2 (01:01:07):
You're talking about I wasn't heard, I wasn't seen, I
wasn't any of the things, andthat spirals into putting myself
in an unsafe sexual situationsafterwards, and you're just
building on top of and buildingon top of, and so I will
maintain that.
You are literally dragging thistrauma around behind you like a
wrecking ball.
Yep, and had again same samething that we talked about with
(01:01:29):
casey.
Had the story been different,had someone heard you, had they
seen you, had they protected you, had they gotten you to where
it was safe, absolutely youwould have had a completely
different story.
But we're protecting theperpetrator.
We're making it so thateveryone stays comfortable,
except you, which literally, ifyou realize how uncomfortable
you will make it for everyone bydragging that wrecking ball
(01:01:51):
around behind you.
Maybe let's just deal with theinitial discomfort of the shit
that happens, rather than justletting this happen.
So, ladies, I think we couldtalk about this for more time,
but I just, emotionally, amfucking drained, and I think
both of you are as well.
I appreciate you coming on andsharing this.
(01:02:13):
I feel like this is huge.
I have one quick thing inclosing that I wanted to read,
unless either of you hadanything else that you wanted to
say.
Speaker 3 (01:02:27):
It was more therapeutic than I thought.
Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
It's powerful.
Speaker 4 (01:02:32):
Yeah, so thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:02:35):
You can't unring this bell.
That's where I'm starting this.
Once the trauma of sexual abusehas been inflicted, there's no
taking it back, and that's whythe prevention of sexual abuse
in children is not justimportant, it's urgent.
Every step we take to protectthem is a step towards ensuring
they don't have to carry alifetime of scars.
The reality is it takes justone moment, one predator, to
(01:02:57):
alter the course of a child'slife forever.
So we must be proactive increating a world where these
kind of horrors can't take placein the first place.
Prevention begins with education.
Children need to know theirbodies are their own and that
they have the right to say no toanyone family, friends or
strangers, strangers whensomething doesn't feel right.
It's critical that we teachkids about boundaries and
(01:03:18):
age-appropriate ways.
This means starting early,teaching toddlers about the
concept of personal space andprivacy and, as they get older,
teaching them more explicitlessons about consent, respect
and appropriate versusinappropriate behavior.
The language around this shouldbe simple, direct and
empowering.
Kids should know that if anyone, no matter how familiar, ever
(01:03:40):
touches them in a way that makesthem uncomfortable, it's not
their fault and they shouldspeak up immediately.
As parents, caregivers andeducators, we need to create
environments of trust wherechildren feel safe to express
their feelings.
They should never feel likethey'll be punished or blamed
for sharing their experiences,and this is where the work of
(01:04:02):
listening comes in.
Kids will often show subtlesigns that something is wrong
Changes in behavior, unexplainedfears, physical symptoms like
stomach aches or headaches, orwithdrawing from social
activities.
These might be signs thatthey've been exposed to abuse.
If a child speaks up, whetherdirectly or indirectly, they
need to be believed withouthesitation.
(01:04:22):
The silence or denial of abuseis one of the greatest
protectors of the predators whoabuse children.
I want to say that again thesilence or denial of abuse is
one of the greatest protectorsof the predators who abuse
children.
We need to end the shame andstigma around speaking out.
(01:04:44):
Predators thrive in secrecy andshame, so we must be vocal and
loud about protecting kids fromthis kind of harm.
Finally, we must empowercommunities to be active in
prevention.
Neighbors, friends and familymembers all have roles to play
in keeping children safe.
This means being vigilant,watching for red flags and
intervening when something feelswrong.
(01:05:06):
Adults need to be mindful ofhow children are treated in
their homes and if somethingseems off, they must speak out.
If we all keep our eyes wideopen and refuse to turn a blind
eye, we make it harder forpredators to operate in the
shadows.
When sexual abuse does occur,it's absolutely critical that
the healing process isprioritized, but the best
(01:05:27):
healing is prevention, and if wecan create a world where young
people feel empowered, respectedand supported, we might be able
to stop abuse before it evenbegins.
We can work to ensure that nochild ever has to face the pain
of being sexually violated inthe first place.
The responsibility falls on allof us parents, educators,
(01:05:47):
lawmakers, communities andsociety as a whole.
We owe it to the nextgeneration to do everything we
can to make sure their livesaren't derailed by trauma.
Sexual abuse is preventable,but only if we choose to stand
together and act.
Thank you, ladies, for spendingtime with me this morning.
That's all the time that wehave for day today and we went
(01:06:08):
over, so it is what it is.
If you have questions orsuggestions, send us an email,
ladies, atletsgetnakedpodcastcom.
Please share, rate and review.
Catch you next time.
That's a wrap.
Speaker 1 (01:06:27):
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.
Let's get naked.
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