The Hidden Weight of Unprocessed Pain

Childhood trauma doesn’t just go away, it stays with us if we don’t face it. 

In this powerful episode, author Melissa shares the heartbreaking story of losing her husband to suicide in 2022. On the outside, they had it all. But behind closed doors, both carried deep pain from their past.

Melissa talks about how silence, pressure to be “strong,” and unhealed trauma can slowly take a toll, especially on men who are taught not to show emotion. After her husband’s passing, she found healing through breathwork, a practice that helped her release grief and reconnect with herself.

Now, she’s using her story to help others break the cycle—teaching kids and adults how to talk about feelings and heal what’s been buried for too long. This episode is a reminder that healing begins when we stop pretending and start feeling.

This podcast dives deep into real, raw topics—think vulnerability, triggers, and childhood trauma. But just so we're super clear: I’m not a licensed therapist, mental health professional, or anything close. I’m just a human sharing stories, lessons, and life hacks based on personal experience and a whole lot of curiosity.

So, while you might find some golden nuggets here, this is not therapy and should never replace professional mental health care. If you or someone you love is going through it, please—seriously—reach out to a licensed therapist or healthcare provider. You deserve the real deal.

Need Help Now?
Here are a few amazing resources:

· 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): Call or text 988
· NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or nami.org/help
· Therapy Directory: psychologytoday.com
· Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

The opinions expressed on this show are ours and ours alone—no official organizations are responsible for what we say (or how much we overshare).

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
I'd love to help you get vulnerable.
Let's get naked.
Hey everyone, I'm Ann.
Welcome to the let's Get Nakedpodcast, where we dive deep into
vulnerability.
In this space, we'll explorewhat triggers us, uncover the
patterns holding us back anddiscover how to take charge of
our own growth.
If you're ready to dig in, bevulnerable and face the tough

(00:30):
stuff, then buckle up.
It's time to get naked.
Let's talk about what, as asociety, we don't talk about
enough Unhealed childhood trauma, the stuff that didn't just
happen to us, it stayed with us.
The things we were too young toprocess, too scared to name, too
confused to even understand thepain that got buried deep

(00:53):
because no one ever gave uspermission or language or space
to deal with it.
So we did what kids do, wesurvived.
But here's the thing abouttrauma Just because you bury it
doesn't mean it dies.
It just grows in the dark andeventually we grow up, but our
pain grows with us.

(01:13):
We become adults with jobs,kids, bills and responsibilities
, all while dragging around asuitcase full of broken pieces
from a childhood that never gotto heal.
And because no one ever taughtus how to sit with that pain or
process it or feel it withoutshame, we numb.
We numb with work, withdrinking, with food, with TV,

(01:37):
with porn, with isolation, withscrolling, with isolation, with
scrolling, with rage, withperfectionism.
We tell ourselves that we'refine until one day we're not.
Because that weight, thatsilent, invisible weight we've
carried for years.
It gets heavier and heavieruntil it's crushing us, and when

(02:04):
we finally buckle beneath it,we don't always have a map out,
because the world never gave usthe tools, it gave us silence,
it gave us shame.
And for some, when the painbecomes too loud and the silence
becomes too deafening, suicidestarts to look like the only way
out.
And that that is the tragedyNot just the loss of a life, but
the explosion of pain thatripples through the people who

(02:26):
tried to love that man, thefamily who stood by helplessly
watching someone they caredabout slowly fall apart, unable
to reach them, the partners whobegged them to open up, the kids
who are now left askingquestions with no answers.
The trauma that doesn't end withdeath but multiplies.
This is the cost of unspokenpain.

(02:49):
This is what happens when wedon't talk about trauma, when we
don't prioritize emotionalintelligence, when we keep
pretending that just toughing itout is a plan.
We have to stop acting likesilence is strength.
We have to stop stigmatizingtherapy, emotional expression,
healing.
We have to stop letting brokenboys become broken men who are

(03:12):
taught to bleed in the dark.
We have to speak out about thisloudly, bravely, nakedly,
because when we shine light onthe wounds, that's when healing
starts, that's when we sayyou're not alone, that's when we
begin to shift this culture,not just for us, but for the

(03:32):
next generation.
Let's get naked, let's get real, let's get free.
Today, I'm stripping it all offwith Melissa Sue Methven.
She is a mother, author of thebook the Truth Behind the Smiles
, registered dental hygienist,breathwork facilitator and
speaker.
Welcome to the show, melissa.

Speaker 2 (03:52):
Wow, thank you very much.
Absolutely.
What a beautiful intro.
I could feel that Thank you.
It really resonated to everyword that you talked about in
there.
It's that introduction.
It's beautiful, thank you, Iappreciate that you know.

Speaker 1 (04:08):
I think when we talk about big topics like we are
going to today, it's importantto just kind of set the stage
that those of us that are notgoing to be silent about things
anymore, we need to say the bigthings.
We need to say the things thatyou know broken boys turning
into broken men, kind of stuffbecause I watch it happen in
brothers, fathers, husbands.

(04:30):
I don't want that to happenwith our sons, right, and our
daughters.
And then I know that you feelstrongly about the exact same
things, and so I'm so happy tohave you here today.
So, if you want to maybe juststart by kind of giving us a
rundown of the last couple ofyears.
It's been a little bit of awild ride and we can back out of
it from that point.
But maybe tell us about yourbook that you wrote and what

(04:52):
sparked that for you.
Oh wow.

Speaker 2 (04:54):
Yes, well, I lived in Alaska for 16 years with my
husband and he was a dentist atScott Methman.
We owned our practice inWasilla, alaska, and there was
definitely a lot of numbing, alot of numbing and you talk

(05:16):
about childhood traumas orabandonments and things that
were just kind of tucked away.
That was definitely my husbandand not given the tools for
emotional intelligence andunfortunately, that all led to
him dying by suicide in March2022.

(05:37):
And that is when I truly, trulyfelt very called to start using
my voice, which was notsomething I was raised to do.
I was always the people pleaser.
You ask my grandma, who I wasas a young little girl from
Quebec City, canada, was veryshy, very quiet and often just

(05:57):
kind of hid behind a smile allthe emotions, because that was
the safest emotion to share, andthat's why the title of my book
is the truth behind the smiles,because, uh, one thing we
definitely had in common, myhusband and I, was to hide
behind our smiles, and we werereally good at that.
So once he passed, I felt astrong calling to use the word

(06:20):
suicide.
I had a lot of people ask mewhat do you want us to say?
How he passed, and I said diedby suicide.
And even for my own children atthe hospital, with their
guidance, they said died bysuicide due to his brain illness

(06:40):
.
And also my children were oldsouls.
I mean they had seen dad andthere was trauma prior to him
passing, you know, signs of hisopioid addiction, alcohol, and
there was just they could seethat progression as well.

(07:02):
Yeah, so I definitely feltcalled to use my voice and share
, and a lot of it was more justwith friends, social media.
We had a dental practice, so Ihad to kind of, you know, use a
social media platform to advisepatients and and and use my, my
voice.
And the more that I shared, themore people came back and said,

(07:24):
oh, I had a relative die bysuicide as well, or I have a
child who deals with suicideideation.
So I saw it as a safe placewhere people didn't have to
suppress anymore, because that'sone thing I realized.
I started getting reallycurious as to what happened.

(07:45):
You know, that progression,that slow progression.
It was just, you know,overnight, right, and a lot of
it.
I saw suppression both for myhusband and I, suppressing his
childhood and then, you know,getting married.
Well, he had never dealt withchildhood, and neither have I.

Speaker 1 (08:03):
Right, you know, it's the same same with me.

Speaker 2 (08:05):
I just kind of suppress that right.
And then now we go into arelationship and how that led
for him to get a numbing.
You know the he was a dentist,so it's a very much a
back-breaking work.
So the introduction of opioidsare very much a uh, a norm in
dentistry is very common, and soit's just once in a while.

(08:29):
And then, of course, if younever take care of yourself and
your own body, that inflammationjust keeps building up, and I'm
a firm believer of energyexchange.
And as a dentist and dentalprofessional, you're dealing
with patients that carry a lotof fear and anxiety and you take
that on, and if you neverrelease it, then as a

(08:54):
practitioner you just hold allof that Just more weight.

Speaker 1 (08:57):
Yeah, more and more weight.
I saw something that was sopowerful to me and it was just a
clip that it was talking aboutall of this weight that we carry
across the course of our lives,right?
And so we pick these weights up, and maybe it was a five pound
weight or a you know, whateverit is and this man is showing
this as a visual as he's walkingacross the stage and by the
time he gets to the other sideof the stage, he's got, you know

(09:18):
, a barbell over his shouldersand he's got all of these
weights that are hooked to hisbelt and hooks to his whatever.
And it's like what you'redescribing to me as far as your
husband, kind of taking that, ifhe's not taking care of himself
, where he is releasing that,he's just adding more weight and
more weight and more weight,and with no tools to deal with
it.
Right, it's funny because when Italk about childhood trauma, a
lot of people think that thatmust mean getting the shit

(09:40):
kicked out of you or sexualtrauma or whatever.
It doesn't have to mean thosethings, right, having a mother
who's, you know, or parents,either one who are emotionally
unavailable for you, you know,abandonment, rejection, there's
all of these different things,that kind of come in that don't
have to look like these bigthings where you say, well, I
didn't have, you know, I didn'thave sexual abuse, or I didn't
have this or that.

(10:00):
If you don't process yourchildhood and you just start
piling on top of that, that'show we get to this place of all
of us numbing.

Speaker 2 (10:08):
And I hear so much people saying well, I didn't
have it as bad as this person,so my stress is not.
I said no, your body reactsjust the same way and you have
to really recognize that andthen finding ways to the tools
to express all the time.
Think about it Dentists willsee 30 to 40 patients a day back

(10:28):
to back, and if you're nevertaking any time, so this becomes
this heavy, heavy weight on topof owning practice.
There's, you know, I have achapter the dark, you know the
dark side of dentistry, and I dospeak a lot about that because
there's just not enoughawareness for dentists.
And I know I'm trying tointroduce breath work for the

(10:51):
dental community as well.
I'm even saying, oh, you know,we wash our hands in between
each patient, so why don't youincorporate a breath, a
breathing technique when you'rewashing your hands, yes, and
then cutting that line of thatlast patient and moving on
before you move on to the nextone?
You know just those littletools.
It doesn't have to be very long, right, and but unfortunately

(11:12):
for my husband, yeah, it's justone wait after another.
You know it was also.
Then he got into a litigation,you know a lawsuit for seven
years and that was so heavy forhim and for him a lot of it was
he wanted.
He, you know, wanted to beright and you know, sometimes
we're like we want justice, weknow we're right, but now I saw

(11:35):
who won was the two lawyers.
Wow, they did really well.
Of course they did really welland but it was seven years where
both sides it was so muchdarkness and so much weight,
instead of leaving it out andletting it go and surrendering
to wanting to be right, becausesometimes this is going to cause

(11:57):
you to have so many chronicillnesses and and deepen you
know, his depression and numbingit just progressed, you know.
And then he gets news that hisdad is terminally ill and he
he's just so saddened so it'salmost you have to release these
weights because you're gonnaconstantly have challenges in

(12:17):
life and so you got to prep yourbody and and that's where I
really got curious in my ownhealing, because I read so many
books of people that wentthrough, you know, dark times
and what did they do to get out?
Because I was also when Itraveled back to Wasilla, Alaska
, I go how did I not fall aswell?
I mean, I was starting to.

(12:39):
People said I started to change, not doing some of the things I
used to.
That light was starting to dim,but I was still.
You know, I've always exercised, I ate really well and had a
fantastic community up therethat kept me okay.
Yeah, you know, but I wasstarting.
My body was starting to speak.
I went through.
Uh, it started all in the gut.

Speaker 1 (13:02):
I truly believe that that's your first signals.

Speaker 2 (13:05):
You know the gut brain uh connection is real
because for me, that's where itspoke.
First, acid reflux and notbeing able to eat just bone,
just bone broth and crackers,and then it's the hormones, you
know, and losing my hair and notsleeping well and just

(13:25):
wondering what's going on.
You know, know, even periodschanging and but you go see all
these specialists and like, oh,you have GERD.
Oh, well, take 800 milligramsof ibuprofen and this and that.
And I'm like, well, it didn'tmake sense to me.

Speaker 1 (13:37):
This is a terrible plan, right.

Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, it didn't.
And I started asking more andmore questions, seeing more
functional medicine andnaturopath and that I was the
stress the stress, adrenalfatigue, and so I dove into
breath work and meditationbecause I wanted to take care of

(13:59):
myself, because I said I Ican't fall too right.
My kids saw the pain yeah, I sawthe pain that my kids endured
losing their father and that asa parent, you can, you try and
keep them so safe.
Right, that was so me.
I tried to hide so much fromthem and I thought that was good

(14:21):
.
You know, I was gonna hideeverything and keep them so safe
.
And now I couldn't keep themsafe from this pain, this
immense pain.
I said I better do everythingpossible so I don't fall, so I
could show up for them and andalso give them the tools,
because unfortunately, suicidewas also from generations on
Scott's side.

(14:42):
You know both sides of thefamily and I truly believe that
when we are born we're alsoalready carrying generational
curses or things that are passeddown.
Even the toxic load is passeddown.
I agree with you a thousand.
You know.
I, I more that I dive into thegut health and everything.
I know that the mom's gut biometransfers to the baby you, and

(15:08):
then that's the toxic load thatthey start with.
You know from generations, andso I'm a firm believer in all of
that.
Now, because I've seen it right,seen it with my own kids, and
my own kids and myself, I'm like, oh, my own science experiment,
almost because I'm gettingcurious.
I've got brought my children toDr Amon's clinic for brain scan

(15:29):
because I know there's there'ssomething and I couldn't get to
the root cause of it.
I've done gut tests now, ummold testing, and in a lot of it
has is in the gut for them.
There's mold, uh, heavy metalsand it's all affecting the brain
.
So I'm seeing correlation aswell for mental health, anxiety,

(15:50):
depression, and it all startsthere.
And probably with my husband.
You know he never ate very well, didn't exercise and, you know,
took time to take care ofhimself.
You know he was really gooddentist though, yeah, and
perfectionist and loved hispatient.
He gave so much like he wassuch a generous man, but as much

(16:13):
as he was generous he almosthad to give back to himself,
right?

Speaker 1 (16:18):
well, you have to be able to give from your overflow
and when you're not doing thatright because you don't know
better, because we're not taughtwhat the tools to do that,
which I totally got in the sameexact trap, right you end up at
this place where it's like itcomes out sideways, where you're
numbing with, you know, theopioids and the alcohol and the
you know whatever else your numbof choice is and you're just

(16:38):
literally triaging.
It almost feels like you knowyou go to work and you put the
coins in the back of somebodyand they come to life and it's
like do, do, do, do, do, and hegoes and he smiles and he does
all the things and then comeshome at the end of the day and
just literally triages withwhatever numb of choice he is so
that he can get back up thenext day and do, do, do, do, do,
put another couple of quartersin and off.
We go again, never dealing withany of that.

(17:00):
Like, of course, we get tothese places where we break and
for some of us it's we drink ourlives into oblivion.
Some of us it's suicide.
Some of us it's, you know,completely numbing, to the point
where you're just a zombie inyour own life and when you
realize, you know, for me, mypurpose with this podcast is,
yes, talk about all the things,but then also share with people.
It doesn't have to be like that.
You know, we've come where.

(17:21):
We just support that wholeconcept of, okay, I have acid
reflux, well, great, let's giveyou this pill or that pill.
And then you're justcompounding on top of that, on
top of that, until you don'teven know where it started.
So it's like when you say, getcurious.
Yes, that's what I'm peddlingis get curious about yourself,
figure out, pull back the layersof why do I feel like that?

(17:42):
Why do I believe that let'sunpack that, you know, and
that's just literally gettingquiet with yourself.
That doesn't have to costanything.
That doesn't have to anything.
Take a blanket, go sit at apark with a journal.
Don't take your phone, just gosit.
You know how powerful that isto be able to figure out that
stuff, right, and then beingable to talk about it with other
people.
Where it's not, there's notthis shame associated with it.

(18:03):
Right, with any of the thingsthat we talk about.
No shame I have.
There's no shame on any of that.
Being able to grieve in frontof your children so that they
can see that right.
The stuff that you talk about inyour book is so powerful to me
because it's like is that thepopular answer?
What you did, no, is that theright one?
I 1000% agree with you right.
Like I healed from my stuff infront of my children, not being

(18:26):
ashamed of it.
You know, we went out to dinnerlast night.
We were talking about I've beensober for eight years talking
with my son about what that was.
He just turned 18, so he was 10when I got sober and he wasn't
like I wasn't shy about, youknow, going through all of that
in front of him.
But he was asking me differentquestions last night about
things and just saying to himlike, but I was at the place
where I was abusing prescriptionmeds that I was not supposed to

(18:49):
be drinking with and thendrinking a lot on top of it,
like I was drinking to blackouta couple of times a week.
Saying that to that young manwas hard to do, but I'm not
going to sugarcoat it.
I'm not going to let him notsee the gross side of that,
because that's where it leads ifyou just let the numbing get
out of hand because it feels sogood to numb, because you don't
have to address any of the shitthat's in that messed up bag

(19:11):
that you carry forward fromstuff you know.
But when we realize, like, dothe work, the work feels so good
to be able to get it out, is itpainful.
A thousand percent right, youknow if you've done the work,
but like you look at that andyou're talking about you and
your husband.
You didn't do the work, hedidn't do the work, not on any
fault of your guys.
You didn't even know it was athing.
Same thing with my husband andI right.
You just get together and thenit's like, well, what does that

(19:32):
look like?
And and you can see as itunfolds in front of you of like,
numbing, not being there foreach other, just literally
trying to triage yourself sothat you can get up and give the
best parts of your day to yourwork and then come home and give
shit to your family, right,because that's where you feel
like you can just unplug andnumb.
It's like, shouldn't it be theopposite?

(19:52):
Right, our families are themost important things to us,
right, but we do, we're soconditioned to like have
everyone think that what theperfect right you're saying put
the smile on hiding behind thesmile, all the thing right, it
is the ego's the worst.

Speaker 2 (20:13):
Yeah, I think for my husband, every time I'd say
let's just let it go, let'sdownsize, let's sell the
practice, let's become a, solike it had become such an
identity the house, the office,the, you know, and for him also,
being that superman, you know,six foot four, handsome, he's
like wow, you know, comingremoving that mask, he thought
there'd be so much shame andpeople wouldn't think of him as
higher.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
but I feel when you do remove, people are like wow,
that was so courageous and itallows other men you know for
him, if he did to do the sameyes, you know, I find the exact
same thing right when I have menon this podcast and they're
able to share their stories andthe different things and and not
be ashamed about the past thatthey have and the healing that
they've done.

(20:52):
It shows other men that they canhave permission to do the exact
same thing.
When you said something abouthim needing to be right with the
lawsuit, it definitelyresonates with me.
As far as just men in life Mostspecifically, I see it in women
too resonates with me as far asjust men in life most
specifically, I see it in womentoo, but most specifically in
men.
There's this thing where it'slike they don't know how to deal
with whatever the emotion isthat happened when they were

(21:14):
wronged right and they literallyturn that back into where they
dig their heels in, and I'vewatched men destroy their lives
for needing to be right.
You know, and I always used tojoke around with my husband
about like I would rather be behappy than right.
He would rather be right thanhappy, right.
I'm trying to change him slowlybecause it's like what is the
cost?

Speaker 2 (21:32):
Right.

Speaker 1 (21:33):
Like right.
What was the cost for yourhusband?

Speaker 2 (21:35):
He destroyed his life .
It did it destroyed his life.

Speaker 1 (21:38):
And so if it's like, if you realize, if you put these
things into your hands, okay, Ican be right, but then what
does that?
Where's the value in?

Speaker 2 (21:53):
that.
Oh yeah, he was ready to spendall his money to be right, he
was ready all his time.

Speaker 1 (21:57):
Yeah, he gets obsessed with it.

Speaker 2 (21:59):
Yeah, he became really.
It was an obsession, absolutely.
It took, I remember, you know,because we'd work together he'd
be late for patients because hewas on the phone with lawyers or
, you know, the policedepartment, things like that,
and he was just so, he was like,oh, so close, and then it was
always when we win, then allthese happen, and I saw the
opposite.

Speaker 1 (22:19):
You're like you're destroying our life.

Speaker 2 (22:20):
Yes, it was just over consuming every night and, like
you painted such a greatpicture with going to work
Because, yes, we would go towork together He'd have this
smile.
He's got a great sense of humorwith each patient, so he was
really great.
But the minute he walked home,he would go walk to his own room

(22:40):
, very dark, and unplug yeah,with phone, we would not see him
.
Yeah, he'd actually get up whenwe go to sleep.
Yeah, because he wouldn't sleepvery well.
And um, so much numbing, thenumbing of, uh, yeah, the
opioids.
At this point had, you know,muscle relaxer.
He was on some antidepressants,but again, they're just, you
know, just a variety of things,a pornography addiction as well

(23:02):
just all these dopamine hitsthat he was looking from the
outside so he wouldn't have tofeel what was really going on.
The root cause of a feelingwrong there were abandonment and
and you, or even going back tochildhood.
For him, therapy was scary andI don't know, I don't know why.
I mean, when I talked to youknow family members, a lot of it

(23:24):
was from past generations.
You know when they would go totherapy.
You know the shock therapy andall that Like that was scary,
right?

Speaker 1 (23:31):
And so that's what they may associate some of that
with, where it isn't like okay,we're actually going to get
better here.
It's scary from that standpoint.

Speaker 2 (23:38):
It's scary for them and I know family history, you
know bipolar and whatnot.
And maybe he was afraid of adiagnosis or anything and lose
his license, I don't know, butit was definitely not something
he wanted to step in.
So then I would go and see atherapist and hopefully they
give me tools I could bring backhome.
And uh, you know, I had found arehab center, was mostly

(24:00):
doctors there was only six ofthem.
I was like maybe you could flyand take a month.
But he'd always be like, well,I, well, I'm, I'm not addicted
and all you know, I got fullcontrol of everything.
So and when he would talk aboutthese antidepressants he was on
he's like, well, no, this isonly it's an antidepressant, but
I use it for nerve damagebecause he was in a lot of pain.
So it was just so hard for himto remove that mask and really

(24:23):
to see himself.
And I love that you say youdon't need a lot of money to go
through therapy.
Honestly, it's that quiet,stillness, space.
I know when I finally moved toArizona is all I remember saying
.
It's like I just feel like Ineed space, like I just needed I
disconnected from social media.

(24:44):
I even I so many people.
It was so wonderful.
I had a wonderful communitychecking in on us and my family.
We had meals delivered to usfor three months, we had
cleaning services.
We had so many like donationsand really take it like, lift it
up, you know, know and.
But at one point I was like Ican't answer any more phone
calls I just needed quietnessand I really did find that.

(25:05):
I actually started going to aplace called reconnect mind,
body and it's an hour of justcold plunging, sauna, red light
therapy, and I would do breathwork as well.
And through breath work iswhere I did profound healing
from generational, you know, andalso PTSD from me finding my

(25:27):
husband, that vision.
I would go to the gym, I gogrocery shopping and all of a
sudden I would see that visionand I'm about to break and cry.
But I've had programmed myselfsince a five-year-old girl to
not cry in public, so I'd justrun and I would hide, you know.
But breathwork allowed me tojust completely unload after

(25:52):
breathwork session and just cryin somebody's arms and it was
just that safe container andbeing able to process the PTSD
vision.
I still remember it came at abreathwork session.
It came right in my face and Iwas like whoa, really caught off
guard, and but then it was justlike you know, god was saying
let it go, let it go, we're notmeant to carry that stuff around

(26:13):
.

Speaker 1 (26:14):
I am I am a huge proponent of breathwork.
I found that when I went torehab eight years ago was when I
was first introduced to it, andwhat it revealed for me during
that session was just mindboggling.
And I've started doing it veryregularly over the last year.
I kind of came back to my lifeand was just trying to put the

(26:34):
pieces of my life back togetherand so, you know, didn't really
follow up with that until abouta year ago where I was like why
haven't I gotten back into that,you know?
And so I found somebody locallythat I see.
And now I've gotten to the pointover the last year where I host
events at my house where I justwant people to be able to come
experience that, because thehealing that comes out of the

(26:55):
breath work and the intensitythat the gal that I and she's
been on the podcast but to methe breath work is huge.
For all of that, my husband nowdoes it with me and he's, you
know, realizing kind of thebenefits of really being able to
do that, because I don't need atough man who doesn't talk
about stuff until somethingbreaks right.
Let's do the work now yeah,right.

(27:17):
And does it look pretty?
No, but I'll hold space for anyman that wants to be able to do
that Because I think you know,we've spent all of this time
focusing on women, which I love.
Women and women in Paramount,all the things right.
I'm going to always besupportive, but I look at our
men, because I have a dad andbrothers and my husband, my son,
and it's like we need to beable to help them as well.
So I was talking with thebreathwork gal about.

(27:39):
All right, I'm starting a men'sgroup.

Speaker 2 (27:41):
I don't know why the hell, I'm doing that, but the
universe told me I'm doing thatnow.

Speaker 1 (27:44):
So I asked a couple of people about like these men,
would you come over and dobreathwork?
If I put this together and Ihave a half a dozen men that are
like I couldn't be more proud,right?
So I'm like I don't know wherethis is going to go, but I'm
happy to hold space for thesemen because I've always had more
of a masculine energy anyways,and so to be able to be
approachable where it's like Ican hold space for men, I don't

(28:07):
have any problem with that.
Like I'm there's not a demonthat you have that's going to
scare me.
I've seen it all.
Do you know the visualizationthat I talked about at the
beginning of the podcast, whereyou're carrying all of this
weight and you don't evenrealize it?
It's like you want to live yourlife like that.
Yeah, this human experience isfreaking Disneyland.
We've literally been put inDisneyland.
There's all of these thingsthat you can come from, this

(28:28):
place of awe and wonder andexploring your life.
Right To me, I'm like get backto that eight-year-old kid, you
know.
I'm like get back to thateight-year-old kid, you know.
I was talking to my husbandabout all of these things where
it's like all of these grown menwho are 40, 50, 60 years old,
who are doing all of the thingsthat you're talking about your
husband was doing just to try toget a hit any hit doesn't
matter, right?
All of the things where it'slike I just want to feel

(28:49):
something.
How are you going to feelsomething when you're numbing
out with all of those things?
I'm not coming from a place ofjudgment.
We all do it, we all have donethat right.
But when you realize we don'thave to do that, you can really
get rid of all of that shit andget down to who you are at your
core, because it's not aboutadding more, it's about taking
away, it's about finding out andremembering who you were right,

(29:10):
and to me, the breath work hasdone that, for me, it reconnects
you to your heart.
Oh my God, it totally does, andit helps you like, clean out all
of that gunk that we've storedon top of it for whatever reason
.
Right, you were taught to smileand to be a people pleaser and
to be silent, and you beuncomfortable so that someone
else isn't uncomfortable.
That's where we are in this gamewhere I'm like absolutely not,
don't you dare be uncomfortable,I don't give a fuck who's

(29:33):
uncomfortable, right, leteverybody else be uncomfortable.
You're the only one who you'resupposed to take care of, right?
So, being able to reallyunderstand that and say I'm
going to go all in on me, I'mgoing to figure out what, in my
knowing, in my nectar, in mycore, who am I?
Right?
Because the rest of it doesn'tmatter, the rest of the
programming, either from societyor organized religion, or your

(29:54):
upbringing or whatever thosethings look like, tear all that
shit away.
Tear it all away.
Right, what's left underneaththere?
Because I believe not sayingthat I'm done with my work, but
I believe that I've found thatlittle eight-year-old girl and I
go through life with this senseof awe and wonder that is
magical.
Every day is the best day of mylife, and that doesn't mean
shit doesn't happen.

(30:15):
That doesn't mean things don'tfall apart.
That doesn't mean whatever.
I'm not numbing out.
I'm feeling things right, whichsucks right.
I'm in my office yesterday, myson's graduating from high
school.
I used to not cry, butapparently when you stay open,
you have to feel your emotionswhen they come up, not push them
down, which is not pretty orpopular, but it doesn't matter.
I've agreed to do that becausethat's the mission that I'm on,

(30:35):
you know.
So my right-hand gal comes inand I'm crying in my office and
she's like are you okay?
I'm like no, I just saw my sonin his you know, in his cap and
gown and whatever.
It's just like.
I hate it, love it.

Speaker 2 (30:47):
It's amazing you know , you almost want to pat
yourself on the back, exactly.
Oh, I just did that.
A couple of weeks ago.
I took the RV for Easter and Iwas like, oh, let's go camping.
And I was just going throughsome stuff and and and I show up
at the check-in at the RV placeand I just start bawling.
I was like, I was like, oh, Iguess I was like I'm sorry, I'm

(31:09):
going through so much.
She's like oh, let it out, goto the Creek and let it all out
there.
You, the perfect place.
And she just held space for meand I was like I came out, I was
like, oh, I just did that.
I'm like oh, right on, you'relike.
I am healing, you know, becauseI'm able to just cry in front.
You know my kids too, and and Itruly just apologize when I
know I'm in the wrong with mykids, but showing that these

(31:30):
emotions are normal and andasking the question as to why
are they coming.
You, you know where are theycoming from.
You know, ultimately, we don'twant to sit in the fear and the
shame.
We want to feel peace.
How do we get there?
How do we?
All of us want to feel peace.
Yes, and that's really gettingin the deep dark.
It is.
You have to get the real deepdark and ask the question, sit

(31:53):
alone and feel it.
See that two year old, fiveyear old, eight year old, and
what does?
What does she need?

Speaker 1 (32:02):
Yeah, right, right, and letting her know that it's
okay.
Right, like it was wrong thatyou had to suppress that.
Right, when your specific storyabout, like smiling and just
making other people comfortable,it was wrong that people did
that, did.
Were they giving you the bestthat they could?
Yes, right, your grandma didn'tknow better, your mom didn't
know better.
Right, they're not psychopaths,they're just doing the best
that they can with what they had.

(32:23):
You know, in passing that downto you but really realizing
that's not the right thing, ouremotions are actually our
superpower, right, that's what.
That's what you're knowing isright, you're supposed to be
able to be in tune with thosethings.
And for me, I just feel sillythat I spent 40 years of my life
pushing that shit down and likeno one's gonna see me.
I'm so tough.
Look at all of this weight thatI can carry.
I didn't even realize I wasdoing it.

(32:44):
But I look back now and I'mlike silly, silly woman, silly,
silly woman.
I didn't know any better.
You know, I saw my mom beingvery emotional when I was
growing up.
It looked so messy to mebecause she was just the, you
know, like she didn't have a lotof a good example either.
I mean, she was just dealing,you know, playing the hand, that
she was dealt as well, but it'slike I looked at that and I

(33:05):
thought that seems horrible.
I'm not going to do that, youknow.
So I would be the masculineside of things and, okay, I've
got all of this, it's noproblems, I can handle all of
the things.

Speaker 2 (33:15):
For what you get a gold star at the end yes, right,
we feel like oh, I'm so strong,I can do everything on my own.
It's like for what Right?

Speaker 1 (33:22):
We're not meant to do that.
We're meant to be in connection.
We're meant to be able to sharestuff with people and be able
to really say here's the messyshit I went through.
Let me give you some tips andtricks to what worked for me.
Obviously, you're you know.
What you're going to do isgoing to be different and
support each other from a placeof non-judgment, hold space for
each other.
As a society, we've gotten sofar away from that.

(33:43):
How does anybody feelcomfortable to even come from
this place of like?
Here's the mess that I'm goingthrough, because everyone is so
quick to judge.
But, when you realize that thosepeople that are judging they
haven't done any of their owninner work.
And when you're judging otherpeople, you're judging yourself
first.
I didn't realize that conceptuntil the last couple of years,
where I'm just like it blew mymind.
I'm like all of those thingsthat I was judging other people

(34:05):
for are things in myself that Ineeded to look at, you know.
So when I started to do that, Iwas like this is powerful,
because when you talk about thefear and the shame, I don't want
to live in either of thosethings.
Right, and to me it's eitheryou're living in the fear or
love, and it's just that's.

(34:26):
Which bucket do you want to bein?
Because everything that we havein our society is rooted in
fear.
Am I good enough?
Am I?
You know, we're dividing eachother with political parties,
and who believes this?
Who gives a shit?
Who gives a shit?
Right?
Who gives a shit?
What you think?
I don't care what you think, Idon't care what I think Right,
like.
Let's figure out how to getdown to who we are at our core,
who our light is, who our energyis right, and then just have
fun in this world.

(34:46):
Be good people, be of serviceto other people.
When you figure all of that out, like, you get to this place
where it's like how can I help?
How can I do my part right?
What is my part?
I read something in a book theother day and it said something
about get in the flow, do yourpart and enjoy the ride.
And if you can figure out howto do that, god, that's wild.

Speaker 2 (35:07):
Yeah, that's beautiful.

Speaker 1 (35:07):
It is beautiful, it's like the rest of the shit
doesn't matter and it's like butI was this and I was that and I
was whatever.
And then what happened?
And I don't mean to downplayanybody's stuff, but it's like,
let it go.
You're going to let shit thathappened to you 30 years ago

(35:28):
dictate today.
Do you know how beautiful todayis?
Do you know the amazing thingsthat are happening today?
Right, Like, it's like going toa restaurant, getting food
poisoning and then asking for ato-go container so that you can
fucking bring that home and eatit every day for the rest of
your life, right?
it's like no, thank you, no,thank you.
That's the worst plan on theplanet, by the way, but that's
what we're down yeah, that'swhat we do.

Speaker 2 (35:47):
yeah, that's kind of big part of my healing, like
letting go.
Writing my book was completelyletting it go.
It doesn't define me, I don'tcarry it with me, it's actually
I see it as a gift.
I wouldn't be where I amsitting with you now sharing a
story if that didn't happenright, and if, for me, being of
service every day, I say, okay,how can I be of service?

(36:09):
And if it is just sharing mystory and, um, helping others be
able to share theirs and not,or also, I like to just plant
that seed, like, where are yousitting in our timeline?
I think people can findthemselves either in my story or
my husband's story, you know,and or even my kids, you know I
had taught them to hide behindthe smiles but and nudging you

(36:33):
to be like, okay, maybe I needto start digging and seeing
what's out there to givingresources as to where to go,
where to start.
You know, I mean, nowadays we'vegot a great platform with
podcasts, where I love podcasts.
I listen to them all the timeand I love yours because it is
so raw, thank you.
It's authentic and it's realstories.

Speaker 1 (36:52):
You know it is and it's just a.
It's a.
I believe that my mission isjust to hold space right for
other people as they heal, asthey talk about things.
That's all.
That's all I want to do.
I told my husband it's givingme full body chills.
I just want to hold space forother people.
You know, in a non, peopledon't even understand.
Sometimes when I say hold space,it's like you don't have to say
anything, right, if that's notwhat's called for, that

(37:14):
situation, but just to reallymeet someone where they are in
their journey, in their healing,so that they don't feel judged,
so that they don't feel likethey're doing the wrong thing.
There's a lot of messy stuffthat's out there, right.
So it's like being able to dothat.
It feels like the honor of mylife.
You know, when people realizelike, fix your shit, I don't.
We don't have to pussyfootaround stuff, we don't have to

(37:34):
sugar, sugarcoat it.
There's gross stuff thathappens, right.
All the things that we'retalking about fucking, suicide
and numbing and being peoplepleasing and hiding behind
smiles and carrying all thisweight.
We're suffering in silence,right.
There was a line in what I readwhere it's talking about broken
men that are bleeding in thedark and when you look at that
it's like God.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
That hurts my soul to say, but that's what we're
doing yeah, it really is,because if you, they, they hide
it so well, they've learned tohide it so well, like, for
example, the day before myhusband died by suicide.
We were in, we were in maui.
This all happened in maui.
We were snorkeling in lanaiwith friends.
He's smiling, he's happy, he'stalking, we're holding hands,

(38:15):
we're talking about when we gethome.
He was never open to therapy,but he's smiling, he's happy,
he's talking, we're holdinghands, we're talking about when
we get home.
He was never open to therapy,but he's like let's buy some
books, let's read a chapterevery night.
I said love to, yes, you know,and we, I, we get back to our
condo, make a nice steak dinner,like it was, honestly, there
was so much hope, yes, and andin the next day takes his life.

(38:35):
So, yes, there's bleeding, I, I, there's so many men out there
hurting, like that's actually.
Yesterday I met with Tyler Halllocally and he showed me this
video about the soccer uh video.
And it showed uh, they're at asoccer game, they're cheering.
There's two men and there's oneguy that's a little bit subdued
when he's cheering on for theteam.

(38:57):
So you're thinking he's thedepressed one.
And I thought so I'm watchingthis video.
I'm like, oh, this guy's alittle subdued when there's like
a goal and his friend's like,yeah, but the next clip is the
friend who was subdued putting alittle that he's no longer has.
His friend who was soenthusiastic loved the game and

(39:20):
he passed.

Speaker 1 (39:20):
You don't even realize that like what that last
straw is going to be for people.
You don't realize how badthey're suffering.
Like you realized, yes,something was wrong with your
husband right, obviously, yousee the numbing, you see all
these things, but you didn'tknow, right, like you said,
there was hope, there was all ofthis stuff.
So it's like you just neverknow what somebody is going
through.
So being able to say I'm done,I'm done perpetuating and being

(39:44):
silent so that our broken menare bleeding in the dark, I'm
just, I'm not doing it anymore,like I.
I want to be the one that isstanding up and saying we don't
have to do this.
Hey, hey, you guys, we can go adifferent way.
Because I watch as the men in mylife my brother, right, who's
doing the work, my husband who'sdoing the work I watch as the
awe and the wonder come backinto these men, not from trying

(40:08):
to get a dopamine hit becausethey've numbed enough, right,
not from enough booze, not fromenough food, not from enough
porn, not from enough whatever,but from getting all of that
shit away and feeling like aneight-year-old boy.
Because what I'll tell you ismy favorite thing on this planet
is to look at a grown man andsee the eight-year-old boy
inside of him smile.
We were at a baseball game andI was watching as the security

(40:30):
guard who stands watching out atthe stands.
The players were going by himand he was fist-pumping them and
that players were going by himand he was fist pumping them and
I could see his little eighteight-year-old boy inside this
50-year-old man just smiling.
He wasn't really smiling, butyou could see him smiling
underneath and I'm like, yes,how do we get more of that shit?
Right, because that's the stuffwhere it's like we should be
cultivating that right.
When I'm out looking atsomething or doing something

(40:51):
that makes me feel like a kid asa 47 year old woman, I'm like,
yes, yes, more of that, more ofthat and less of the shit that I
was dealt that I don't have tocarry around.
Right, when you're not carryingall that stuff around that you
don't even realize that you'recarrying around, you get to plug
in with life in a way that'sactually like amazing, so true
it is amazing, so true, goingback to what you really love as

(41:14):
a child to do being creative,and I love, love men that now
are getting curious and wantingto go dig deeper.

Speaker 2 (41:22):
Okay, why am I having these patterns?
Like that's sexy.

Speaker 1 (41:24):
Yeah, I agree with you a thousand percent.
I've never found my husbandmore sexy than when he's like
let's fucking dig into why I'mlike this.

Speaker 2 (41:31):
I'm like oh, my God, I know, I'm like oh yeah, the
way they start processing andasking, being open to you know,
uh, breathwork, being open tohypnotherapy, being open to just
going, journaling, journalingmen that are journaling every
day now, you know, andjournaling is such a great way

(41:51):
to release.
It's everything I've beentelling everybody.
Everybody should write a book,yeah well, exactly because it is
it's?

Speaker 1 (41:57):
so therapeutic to be able to look at that and say,
like, what is my, is my story?
What?
What does you know?
What is my nectar?
What is that knowing inside ofme?
Where's that eight year oldgirl can be a different age for
everybody, right, for me it justhappens to be eight.
But I look at that and Iremember when we were eight we
didn't have all this bullshit.
If I saw you on the playground,melissa, I would have run over
and be like hey, you want to befriends?

Speaker 2 (42:17):
Do we do that anymore ?
Right Like.

Speaker 1 (42:19):
I look at that and I think we've so divided each
other with these.
We're all trying to be thisperson that isn't even really a
person that's all put togetherand don't let anybody see the
mess.
Put all that shit under the rug, keep it in the family, keep it
behind.

Speaker 2 (42:31):
We don't want to show that and it's like how's that
working out for everybody justout of curiosity I was so good
at that absolutely like thecover of my picture.
I grabbed that because that wasour advertisement for the
dental office but, I, rememberwhere we were at, where my
husband was at in that picture,and, yeah, we, we look picture
perfect on there, you know butwe were not.

Speaker 1 (42:53):
Yeah, and when you, when you understand that you're
hiding all of that, right, which, again, no judgment, we all do
that, but that's why I'm saying,like, let's shatter that.
And you're in the same position, right Of like, no, I'm not
going to be soft for everybodyelse so that you can remain
comfortable.
I'm not going to use differentwords other than the word
suicide.
This is what happened.
This is what happened in mylife.
Right, this is what happened tomy family, family and my kids,

(43:15):
and you know why.
Right, when you, especiallywhen you explain the whole
weight thing, you know, when Isee this, this man in a business
suit, and he's dragging a ballin a chain behind him, it just
breaks my heart for him, it'slike who said you had to do that
?
But as society, we did bestrong.
Keep it all together.
For the family, I say, or not?
Let's, let's try the other way,because we know what it looks
like when all of the men aretrying to keep it together.

(43:36):
Right, which is to me, I think,school shootings right.
You know all of that stuff whereit just comes out in anger and
rage.
That's the break.
For some men it's suicide, forsome men it's these other things
, but it's like yeah violenceright Because that's what we've
taught them to do.
We haven't given them any tools,we haven't given them any
outlets, outlets, right.
And then we just expect thatthey carry all of this shit and

(43:57):
you don't get to be theeight-year-old boy anymore now.
You have all of these crappyresponsibilities and shit on top
of you know childhood traumathat you never were able to
unpack, or encouraged to unpack,or any of that, and so I say
let's unpack it all.
You know I'll hold space foranybody that wants to unpack
their shit.
How, um when did you get intobreathwork?
I'm curious, because I findthat so powerful.

Speaker 2 (44:16):
After I moved here in July 2022, I started my journey
of healing.
You know I invested a lot ofmoney, a lot of time, because I
knew I needed it, Because I saidI can't live, continue living
in fight and flight.
I you know, then I'll get sick.
And so after a year of doingbreath work for myself or my own

(44:40):
healing, I, I was just, I wasin awe of how much I was able to
process, so I said I need tolearn more about it and I want
to become a breath, breath workfacilitator.
I actually went and took um acourse in Austin with uh,
jaggers and Fitch they ownSomatic IQ and, oh my gosh, it
was such a profound.
We were 52 students, oh wow,and all over the world.

(45:04):
There were some people thatflew in from Oman, panama, like
all Mexico, and the diversity ofthe group was incredible.
I met some that were doctors,some addicts you know past
addicts, and this is what helpedthem cancer survivors and I
mean everybody's story was soincredible as to why they wanted

(45:25):
to become a breathworkfacilitator.
And as our last day, you know,we're now having to guide our
own one-hour journey withsomebody else we partner up.
Oh my gosh, I felt this intenseenergy as I'm doing this for
this person and she had aremarkable you know session and
I said, okay, I'm supposed to bedoing this and sharing this

(45:48):
gift to others and that's how Igot into it.
And now I was doing, you know,virtual and one-on-one and
really, really like that.
But one of my favorite ones Idid recently was for a group of
dentists.
Actually, we did it in Sedonaand Dr Delphine had asked me to
co-facilitate with her in Sedonaand she's a fantastic Reiki

(46:11):
energy healer and she talksabout her own story as well, and
so I felt honored and we wentfor a three-day and guided these
dentists through back to theirheart and oh gosh, it was so
profound.
we're still connecting now andso I do feel there's something
an integration time that isreally good to have as well

(46:33):
afterwards to kind of processwhat just happened and the
journaling.
So I really, really lovehosting, like co-facilitating
with retreats, because I thinkthere's so much I never come
back the same myself when, I goto like a two, three day retreat
, right?
So it's fun to be part of thatprocess for somebody else, right
?
And so that's how I got into it.

(46:55):
And then also now I'm my mentoras well.
A breathwork here is JeremyMudik, and so I took his course
as well because he's got adifferent style, and so I just,
yeah, I'm really passionateabout breathwork and being able
to give that.

Speaker 1 (47:12):
Yeah, it's amazing to me because I really believe
that that is.
I love all of the healingmodalities that people explore,
but for me breath work is themost powerful and I think just
being able to realize that youdon't have to do years and years
of therapy for stuff.
You know, I've watched ithappen in my brother who we
always used to joke when we wereyounger and until recently that

(47:34):
we were dead inside, rightbecause we didn't process our
emotions.
To watch him go through that,to watch my husband go through
that, and I think each time thatyou do it it's always a
different experience dependingon kind of how you show up and
there's all of the differentthings for that.
But after a good breathworksession sometimes that feels
like about a year of therapy.

Speaker 2 (47:50):
Yes, yes, you know.

Speaker 1 (47:51):
I've just talked like traditional talk therapy.
So it's like, if you'reinterested to get down to
business, finding a reallyintense or a powerful breathwork
facilitator and there are allof those different kind of
styles that people have, which Ithink is fascinating.

Speaker 2 (48:06):
Yes, like for me the style.
We definitely start the first30 minutes where it's actually
moving through the sympatheticnervous system.
I'm actually trying to activatethat because every memory of
your lifetime is stored, justlike the book.
The body keeps the score rightand so we're really trying to
move through that, stress thebody.
And so that's the first 30minutes, and sometimes I even

(48:28):
like to press, because a lot ofit is stored in the gut, so just
kind of slight pressure inthere, because a lot of time
though, there's a resistance,yes, you know.
And and then the last half isdefinitely reconnecting to the
gratitude and allowing love backin.
So often we've our self-talk,that shame, critic is so

(48:48):
negative to ourselves, and wejust gotta allow more love in,
and that's kind of what I tryand bring that in more for the
next half.
It's more the parasympatheticnervous system and a lot of it
is.
Just when's the last timeyou've sat an hour and given
yourself that space, that timeto connect to your heart and get
out of your ego, yeah.

(49:09):
You know Ego's the worst.

Speaker 1 (49:10):
People don't realize you actually don't have to keep
that on a steady diet.
You know what I mean.
You can kind of dig into otherthings.
Diet Like.
You know what I mean, you cankind of dig into other things.
It's not about that right beingmore.
You know, soul forward andletting your ego.
Be drug around instead of yourego, dragging your soul around,
which is what 95% of us.

Speaker 2 (49:26):
You know, do I just move so much more now in
intuition and what feels rightand guiding me?
You know, sometimes people arelike, oh, did you get a PR after
your book or anything?
And I was like I didn't,because I really wanted a
natural flow of where theconnection and it has it has
been this organic flow andmoving intuition and removing
fear.
Yeah, Sometimes I'm like, oh,who am I, you know, to want a

(49:48):
podcast now, to want this andwrite another book, but at the
same time just relieve that fear, that self doubt.
I've already seen the impact ofof my book in in, even if it
just impacts one person, but Iknow it's impacted more than one
, Of course.

Speaker 1 (50:02):
Right.
But, like you said, when youcome from that place where it's
like, yes, is it scary and is itall of the things?
Yes, but you're doing the rightthing, you're, you're being
pulled and you're being called,and when you find that you
impact, when I get a directmessage from somebody, that it
makes me sound like 100 when Isay direct message or DM for you
younger folks.
Jesus, so sorry, but when I geta DM from somebody, that's like
you really impacted me right.

(50:23):
Or when I hear from a friend,or when I hear from somebody
that I've known, you knowpreviously, it's like you've
changed things for me.
You've changed the game becauseI was able to get curious, and
that's literally all I'mpeddling.
You know is get curious aboutyourself, and that doesn't have
to cost anything.
So it's like being able to dothat is so incredibly powerful.
I want to read something backto you from your book that
really stood out to me because Ihave this whole thing that I

(50:46):
say fix your shit, differenttactics.
You say it very much moreeloquently than I do, but when I
read it it was like that'sexactly what she's saying.
But it says be the voice thatno longer hides the truth behind
silence and closed doors.
Be willing to look into thecloset of your generations and
do the work necessary to cleanit up.
Right, equals, fix your shit.

(51:08):
Yeah, right, but it's like, howpowerful is that to really go
go in, figure out yourself,figure out knowing that, like,
if you do that work, your lifeis going to be so much better,
right?
Do you feel like you have tocome from a place of numbing?
It's like, no, I've, you knowit doesn't mean you're not still
going to get triggered bythings or whatever's going to
come up, but when you reallywork through the bulk of that

(51:29):
and whatever healing modalityyou choose, it's like life just
gets so much better after that.
Well, now, when I do get, stillget triggered After that point.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
Well, now, when I do get, still get triggered, you're
still going to, you know,forever grow.
I ask those questions like, oh,where did that come from?
Yes, as to why and when, Icouldn't figure it out.
Actually, there was a fewthings I was like I couldn't
figure it out, I couldn'tpinpoint it.
So then, you know, I was like,okay, what kind of therapy will
get me to really finding theroot cause?
So intrigued by plant medicineand therapies, and whatnot.

(51:56):
So I found a fantastic traumacounselor here and she put me
through a journey with plantmedicine and you talk about a
six hour session.
I pretty much did 10 years oftherapy.

Speaker 1 (52:08):
I believe it.
I believe it, it's savage.
But for people that are like Idon't want to spend four years
in therapy.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
you don't have to know, and it took me back and in
a lot of these things, thatroot cause actually was taking
me back hundreds of years, likeof generational patterns, and
that's why it didn't make senseto me.
I couldn't remember them oreven being, uh, in my mom's womb
you're talking about where theeight-year-old was coming in.
Well, for me it was in the womb.
My mom got a really really badcar crash in a woman.

(52:38):
She I had, um, I had a twin, abrother, and he passed during
that time.
So I saw that loss, so that'sall the stuff that I saw and and
so, from a very young age,never that safety and wanting to
be a parent role was what I wasborn into, you know, and so

(52:58):
that, so that one, you know,saying feeling so strong, that
was safety for me.
I don't need anybody Cause youknow uh, you know uh, when I was
born, both my parents were notat a place where they were just
a lot of trauma, you know, onboth sides.
So then for me, I went into theparent role from birth.

Speaker 1 (53:20):
For your parents right For my parents, which is
crazy as a child to have to dothat.
So I realized that through that.

Speaker 2 (53:25):
But I didn't remember .
Actually, a lot of the timespeople will ask me oh, do you
remember much in your childhood?
I actually had blocked off,probably five years old and
under.
And now I know why.
Because of these modalities andtherapies, you might be like oh
, why am I on edge or why am Iholding on that a little bit to
that anxiety or anger?
Well, it came from that safeplace and generational, so it

(53:51):
was so profound to be able towork and understand these
patterns.
So now I always ask okay, I gota little triggered, where is it
coming from?
And have the tools right.
And I'm trying to teach that tomy kids too.
Talk about my son, you know,teaching him to feel the emotion
because he's definitely so hardon himself and perfectionism

(54:13):
and that guilt and shame thatcomes with survivors of suicide
is real.
Like my son was only six and hethought it's his fault.
He would say it's my fault, Ididn't love dad enough, I didn't
you know.
And I was like, oh my gosh, itwas not your fault so much
weight and for him drawing was abig thing.

(54:34):
He'd draw a lot, but he wouldhold a lot in.
So I've been teaching him.
No, let's feel it and he'd have.
There was the anger.
Yeah, there you know I'm.
I've talked very openly abouthis anger and but that's because
he was storing so much and like, and also anger is a healthy
emotion, but there's healthyways to release it and express

(54:54):
it.
So the tools I actually boughta drum.
So I said drum your drum whenyou're feeling mad, like, just
drum it so hard, give it hell.

Speaker 1 (55:04):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (55:05):
Boxing.
I've got boxing too for him,but I said those are healthy
ways.
It's okay, you know, but andand my daughter as well just be
able to talk and expressactually cold plunge is really
healing, like water as well.
But trying to figure out whatactually cold plunge is really
healing like water as well, buttrying to figure out what works
for them, what are the tools forfor them, and it's just trying
it all.
You know, breath work too.

(55:26):
Actually, my son a couple weeksago he had a this concert at
school that he was part of and Icould tell he was nervous up on
the stage and all of a sudden Isee him going.

Speaker 1 (55:36):
Oh god, I'm so proud, close his eyes and I'm like, oh
my gosh, I don't get prouder.
I don't get prouder.
That's what we should beteaching our kids, right.
It's like how are we notteaching our kids in school or
otherwise, emotionalintelligence?

Speaker 2 (55:48):
I know I wish we could go into the schools.
I keep thinking maybe I need tocreate a program and bring it
to school, because when my, whenmy kids went back to school
after their dad passed becausethey had missed, I think, a
couple of three weeks orsomething I was like they were
not prepared for the emotionsthey were going to go through.
And so I brought this chart,because a friend of mine had

(56:20):
given me a chart where emotionalhad a picture for each emotion
and how to describe it and whattools to do and how do you feel
afterwards, and they were justkind of like pictures, yeah, and
so I thought, well, maybe I'llbring into each classroom they
could start incorporating it.
Mateus was only in kindergarten,sophia was in second grade.
So I thought, well, why don'tthey have this already for these
, these age groups?
Start naming it and how does itfeel?
What are tools Like?
You know, the tools on thecards is like hug a stuffy or

(56:45):
take deep breaths, drink a glassof water, draw.
You know there's differentactivities on there.
So at least it gives them thetools of what they can do, and I
do feel that it needs to beintegrated in kindergarten.

Speaker 1 (57:00):
I agree with you and I think that that's how we fix
stuff.
Right is to talk about okay, weknow what it looks like to just
keep passing it down and carryit.
We can watch that.
And people in their 40s, 50s,60s go ahead and just take a
look around.
Right, because most of us arenumbing out with whatever our
numb of choice is right.
And again, I'm not coming froma place of judging.
I've been in the trenches.
But when you realize life is somuch better past that, it makes

(57:23):
me want to right.
I have my 18-year-old son, whois the most intelligent and, you
know, emotionally intelligentman that I've met, and to be
able to have a hand in that.
But up until he was 10, it wassame like just teaching people
to push stuff down, thank god,you know, my life kind of had
that whole change where it'slike, oh, we're supposed to be
using this like a compass, right, our emotions.

(57:43):
Oh, we're supposed to beleaning into that and processing
things as they happen insteadof pushing stuff down.
So when emotion comes up forhim, or when he's feeling things
, watching him process that in ahealthy way, I'm like, yes,
he's not going to be a man who's40 that's dragging all this
stuff around, not able to reallyplug into life and engage in a
way that's meaningful.

Speaker 2 (58:02):
And so he'll be able to find, you know, a significant
other.
That is good for him.
He's at a good place, right,instead of both trauma.
Right, exactly because you andyour husband right you're broken
, he's broken.
We both need each other, right.

Speaker 1 (58:19):
And then what does that look like?
Right, we can watch it in everyhousehold in America, because
most people have not.
I think about that.
I was thinking about that thismorning from this standpoint of
dating or finding a mate.
When you're at this place where, okay, you've maybe done the
work to kind of heal that, andfor me it's like if you haven't
addressed your childhood, I'mout.
That was like manifesting theman.

Speaker 2 (58:40):
It was like oh, emotional intelligence and
communication, and have done thework, because we all have
trauma.
I love that you had mentionedearlier is that sometimes we
compare ourselves.
Well, I wasn't abused, I wasn'tthis, so my trauma is not a bad
.
No, your body will react thesame, so still work on it.

(59:02):
Yes, you know, there's nojudgment you know, everyone
processes differently, but Ireally didn't date for at least
two years post my husband, causeI knew I'm like, oh, I'm not.
I knew I didn't want to attractthe wrong person and I wanted
to be um at a good place, sothen I could attract a healthy,
emotional man and um and and itworks.

(59:26):
So, yeah, I love it.

Speaker 1 (59:28):
I love it well, melissa.
Thank you so much for comingand spending time with me today.
I really appreciate it.
Melissa's book is called thetruth behind the smiles and
highly recommend.
Very insightful of just kind ofthe struggles that she went
through with her.
You know, big eventUnfortunately that happens but

(59:48):
able to kind of work throughthat and make your mess be your
message and I love that.
So, to wrap up, that's our time.
If you have any questions,suggestions, please send us an
email.
Our email address isladiesatletsgetnakedpodcastcom.
Please do all the things tosupport the pod so that we can
continue to do this importantwork.
Follow share rate and review.

(01:00:09):
We will catch you next time.
That's a wrap.
I'd love to help you getvulnerable.
Let's get naked.