October 17, 2024 • 37 mins
Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the profound weight of grief and wondered how to navigate such turbulent waters? Join us on a heartfelt journey with Scharnelle Hamlin, a dedicated Homicide Support Group Coordinator, as she shares her invaluable insights into managing the complex emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one, particularly through acts of gun violence. Scharnelle opens up about her personal experiences with grief, illustrating how it can transcend the circumstances of the loss, whether it be sudden or through natural causes.
Scharnelle's wisdom truly shines as she highlights the importance of community and support in processing grief, especially during the holiday season when the absence of loved ones is often felt most acutely. She offers thoughtful advice on maintaining routines and creating rituals to honor those we've lost, focusing on the joy they brought to our lives. The conversation also underscores the significance of being present for those who are grieving, validating their feelings, and offering support without the pressure to provide solutions. Spending quality time with those we love creates lasting memories that can bring comfort when they are no longer with us.
Throughout this emotional dialogue, we touch on the cathartic power of safely expressing emotions, setting boundaries, and using journaling as a tool for healing. Scharnelle reminds us of the importance of embracing vulnerability and authenticity, encouraging listeners to acknowledge that it's okay not to be okay. This episode is a tender reminder of the personal journey of grief, urging us to give ourselves permission to grieve at our own pace. We invite you to tune in for an honest and meaningful conversation that offers solace and understanding to anyone navigating the challenging path of grief and loss.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Chuck (00:10):
Hey, welcome back to another episode of let's Just
Talk About it podcast.
I'm your host, chuck, and ifyou're here for the first time,
this platform was created togive genuine people just like
you an opportunity to share aportion of your life's journey.
So, with that being said, onthis episode, I have Chane
Hamlin on with me today here totalk about the reality of grief
(00:31):
when we lose a loved one,something we really don't want
to talk about, but it's a realthing.
So, hey, you don't want to missthis conversation.
As a matter of fact, do me afavor go and grab your husband,
your wife, your children, oreven call a friend and gather
around to listen to myconversation with Chanel Hamlin
on let's Just Talk About itpodcast.
Hey, let's jump right in.
(00:51):
Thank you so much for alwaystuning in to let's Just Talk
About it podcast, a podcastgeared toward giving genuine
people an opportunity to share aportion of their life journey.
So today we have ScharnelleHamlin on with us today.
(01:15):
How's it going, chanel?
It's going well.
How are you?
Doing good?
Doing good.
I appreciate you.
Scharnelle Hamlin (01:21):
Thank you for having me Absolutely.
Chuck (01:22):
Appreciate you.
Thank you for having meAbsolutely, Scharnelle.
I love to jump right into myinterviews to have those genuine
conversations with genuinepeople just like yourself, and I
love to start off with thisquestion when are you from?
Scharnelle Hamlin (01:35):
I am from a rural small town in the
Tidewater area called SurryCounty, Virginia.
Ever heard of Saree?
Chuck (01:44):
Yeah, but I did not know it was in the Tidewater area.
Scharnelle Hamlin (01:45):
Yes, we are part of the 757.
Chuck (01:47):
Okay, you're educating because I did not know.
Scharnelle Hamlin (01:52):
But if you blink, you will miss it, so
where is that located at?
I'm about 20.
One thing I like about Sari isthat I'm in the middle of
everything, so in an hour I canget to Richmond.
I can get to Richmond, I canget to Hampton, newport News,
chesapeake.
So I'm about 30 minutes fromAllaway County, smithfield,
virginia.
Yeah, not too far from there.
Chuck (02:14):
Okay, you educated me.
I did not know.
Surry was a part of the 757.
Shout out to.
Siri County.
Scharnelle Hamlin (02:21):
Yes, put us on the map.
Chuck (02:26):
So how was it for you growing up in the area?
Scharnelle Hamlin (02:29):
Well, ceri is very, very small, but we are
such community focused, and wehave a slogan Surry is something
special.
So we always look out for eachother, and that's the one thing
I like about it.
You know, I have a rooster thatstill wakes me up in the
morning.
Really, we don't have theluxuries that the big cities
have, but it's just theconnectedness and the
(02:49):
family-ness that I love about it.
So I played sports a lot here.
Okay, what did you?
Chuck (02:55):
play.
Scharnelle Hamlin (02:56):
I played softball, I ran track, I played
volleyball, played basketball.
That wasn't for me.
It was a little too enduring.
So I stuck with softball andvolleyball, so you're very
outgoing, I would considermyself an outgoing person.
Chuck (03:12):
Got you, got you, got you , wow.
So back in April, chanel, Ilost my brother-in-law.
I know you said don't say lost,but I lost my brother-in-law um
from a heart attack, and I wastrying to hear that yeah, thank
you, and my, my sister and myniece.
(03:33):
It took it hard because it waslike unexpected.
It was unexpected.
So, me being the brother, Iwanted to reach out to somebody
who could relate or sharesomething with them.
You know, that could kind ofget them through that moment,
and this was back in April.
So I reached out to you and Iguess you didn't check your
messages, but you finallychecked your messages and saw my
(03:56):
you know my message wanting totalk to you.
So you reached out to me and Ireally appreciate you.
So here we are now and yourtitle is although he didn't die
from homicide, but your title isa homicide support group
coordinator.
What is that all about?
Scharnelle Hamlin (04:15):
So, basically what I do, I facilitate group
therapy for anyone who's lostloved ones to the homicide.
Our primary focus is gunviolence, but there are people
in our groups that have theirloved ones were taken through
strangulation, gun violence,stabbing and various methods.
However, when you said that youhad lost your brother from a
(04:37):
heart attack, in that aspectsaying loss is appropriate.
We try not to say loss when itcomes to homicide, because loss
we know where they are, theywere taken from us.
So by you saying your brotheryou know he succumbed to a heart
attack, we use loss.
You know we will say sorry foryour loss because you did lose
(05:00):
someone due to medical andnatural causes and things of
that nature.
But the one thing that theyshare in common is that grief
has no expiration date.
So regardless of how that lossor them being taken took place,
it still are the same emotionsthat we feel.
We all know that we have anappointed time, we just don't
(05:22):
know when it is.
That doesn't mean that anymethod is going to make us deal
with it easier, Like I'll giveyou an example my grandmother.
She died on her birthday, her96th birthday, and although she
was old and she lived aprosperous life.
It still hit me like a ton ofbricks because I'm used to
having her here.
I came up where all of my I Iknew my grandparents, I knew my
(05:45):
great-grandparents and so did mychildren.
So to lose someone and that'svery rare yeah, for your
children to know theirgreat-grandparents or their
great-great-grandparents.
So the thing that connects usboth is that grief has no
expiration date.
It doesn't matter how happens,it still affects us in the same
(06:06):
way.
Chuck (06:08):
Wow.
So on a day-to-day basis, whatdo you do?
You wait for phone calls or youjust?
How does that work?
Scharnelle Hamlin (06:17):
So I work very closely with the victim
witness assistant programs inthe state of Virginia.
I don't just cover the 757.
My organization, which is theVirginia Victim Assistance
Network, we assist any crimevictim.
My division is just homicide.
So homicides that come fromNorthern Virginia, suffolk,
chesapeake, sary, it does notmatter, I assist them.
(06:41):
And so all of our groups are ledby clinicians.
They are licensed therapists,counselors, social workers, so
they're actually getting freeclinical counseling, which is
major because it's veryexpensive even with insurance.
Sometimes insurance gives you acap.
You can only have this amountof sessions.
So we give them these sessionsfree of charge.
(07:04):
We offer virtual and in person.
We try to make it as convenientas possible.
Some people have transportationissues and that's a lot.
When you get to Cedar County wedon't have buses or trains or
Ubers or anything like that.
But more times than not someonehas a smartphone or some type
of device where they can accessthese services right from the
(07:27):
convenience of their home.
So they don't have to worryabout childcare, they don't have
to worry about gas, and that isvery, very important to me,
because a lot of people sufferin silence and they are afraid
to say I don't have a car to getthere.
But I know that I need itbecause I've been dealing with
this and just thinking of yoursister.
You got to realize somebodythat she was used to having in
(07:49):
her circle in her life it's justgone, no notice.
No, you know, it just happened.
Heart attacks hit you just likeat a drop of a hat and half of
the times they were perfectlyfine.
They were perfectly fine andthen all of a sudden, your life
changes, and so that's why I tryto tell people there is no more
(08:10):
normal for you.
I really don't like when peoplesay, oh, this is the new normal
.
No, normal is when I had myright.
Normal is when I had my spouse.
I don't have him now.
So there is no more normal forme.
I'm creating a new narrativewithout him and it's hard, it's
(08:33):
hard.
I tell people all the time.
The realization that your lovedone is gone hits so much
different, because what you onceknew is no longer.
Yeah, yeah, you have tonavigate a whole different path.
Chuck (08:49):
Right right, create a new way of of living without that
person being there absolutely,wow, absolutely.
Scharnelle Hamlin (08:58):
and even me, doing this work, I can teach
people all the time methods tocope.
You never get over a loss.
I don't care how the losshappened.
You never get over that.
We just learn to cope with itand sometimes it's a little bit
more bearable, but that pain isstill gut-wrenching.
There are things and days aboutwhen my loved ones were taken
(09:22):
that make me feel like it justhappened.
We're talking about 12 yearsand two years ago.
Chuck (09:29):
So there's like like, when you talk about that, it's
like triggers, like things thatmake you remember the smell, the
sound, the music.
Scharnelle Hamlin (09:36):
You got it, wow, or say cliches that my
loved ones used to say.
You know, sometimes I'll hearthat and automatically I don't
know that.
I have to excuse myself out ofthat situation, because I used
to be afraid to cry in front ofpeople why is that?
Because I was brought up in asociety where crying was a sign
of weakness, and it's not.
(09:57):
Crying is a sign of strengthright and in the black and brown
communities we were.
Well, I'm not going to say we,I'm going to say me.
I was raised where.
You know.
What goes on in my house staysin this house and that's why I
tell people silence is violence.
There's no reason for me to behurting in my home dealing with
emotions and tears that God gaveme.
(10:19):
If he didn't want me to havetears, he wouldn't give them to
me.
Chuck (10:22):
Right, right, if he, he didn't want me to have tears.
Scharnelle Hamlin (10:30):
He wouldn't give them to me, right, right,
if he didn't want me to feelanger and resentment and guilt.
These were emotions that hewould not have have given,
absolutely, because what happenswhen little boys are dealt with
, or little boys or little girlsare faced with things like
death?
They are afraid to expresstheir emotions.
Why, why?
Chuck (10:44):
see, we've been taught not to say anything, to be
silent and hold our emotions in.
But when you get to that placewhere you can't take it anymore,
those emotions come outsideways.
Where you start, you know,acting out because of the pain
on the inside.
Scharnelle Hamlin (10:59):
So where they're going to go yeah if I'm
taught to bottle everything inwhen it's time for me to let
them out and explode, more timesthan not I'm gonna take it out
on somebody that's innocent.
That was just there.
That's a fact.
Yeah, all because I was taughtthat.
Hey, talk to me, and sometimesyou know it's difficult to talk
(11:20):
to the ones that may even becausing it, or the ones If
you're telling me.
You know I understand that thisloss is hurting you, but you
know it's time to move on.
Why?
Why is it time to move on whenI haven't dealt with the loss?
That's deep man.
Chuck (11:37):
You said grief has no expiration date, so it's like
it's ongoing, it does not havean expiration date.
Scharnelle Hamlin (11:46):
and I tell people, I teach people in our
groups when I sit in becausesometimes I sit in as the
facilitator, sometimes I sit inas a victim, because I am a
survivor of a homicide, of twohomicide victims, and I tell
people all the time you have tolearn how to give yourself grace
, you have to extend grace toyourself and sometimes you just
(12:07):
have to say no.
No is a complete sentence.
Chuck (12:09):
Right, what do you mean?
Scharnelle Hamlin (12:11):
when you say it does not require an
explanation.
Chuck (12:13):
What do you mean when you say extend grace to yourself,
talk about that.
You never know who's listeningand they want to understand when
I say extend grace to yourself.
Scharnelle Hamlin (12:19):
Sometimes we force ourselves to accept things
or feel that we need to befurther along in our grief
journey than we are, and it'snot.
People will say to me wow, youknow, travis has been gone.
That was my cousin who wastaken.
He's been gone 12 years and youknow, I still see you.
You know you still talk abouthim.
I said, because he lives everyday in my heart, why would I
(12:41):
stop saying his name, why wouldI stop talking about him?
That's how I keep his legacyalive.
I talk about him as if he isstill here with me Right, right,
right.
Chuck (12:52):
So it's good to keep talking about the individual.
Scharnelle Hamlin (12:54):
Absolutely.
Chuck (12:54):
Wow.
Scharnelle Hamlin (12:55):
Now, I get it .
Sometimes when you talk aboutthem, it's going to bring those
emotions.
But not all emotions are goingto be sad.
Sometimes you're going toremember the great times.
When it comes to your sister,she should celebrate, whether
it's his favorite food orfavorite places, that they used
to be, anything that used tobring a sense of smile and joy
to her life.
Those are the things that youwant to keep near, because
(13:18):
that's how you keep them near,and I get it.
It's going to be painful, butthe more that you do something
sometimes, the more bearable itbecomes.
Chuck (13:27):
Right, right, right right , wow.
So, with the holidaysapproaching, how can a person
you know become proactive, Iguess, before they get here, or
you'll never be in a place whereyou're strong enough.
Sometimes it's just you're justgoing to still go through those
emotions, no matter what theseason or holiday or whatever it
(13:50):
may be.
Scharnelle Hamlin (13:51):
And you know what?
I'm glad you said that, becauseI have a poem that I wrote and
the poem title is called it'sOkay Not To Be Okay.
Chuck (14:00):
I like that.
Scharnelle Hamlin (14:02):
It is perfectly fine to have bad days.
There's no one out here walking.
Whether it's death or not, thatdoes not have a bad day.
Chuck (14:10):
That's good, chanel, I like that.
Scharnelle Hamlin (14:13):
You know we celebrate the good days, but
it's like when we have a bad day, we have to find ways to tell
people well, you know I'm havinga bad day, but you know I'm
going to be all right.
No, I'm not.
I'm not going to be all righttoday, because I'm dealing with
some things.
But you know what?
I am going to do.
I'm going to face it head on sothat it doesn't eat away at me.
Chuck (14:35):
To that own self be true.
Scharnelle Hamlin (14:37):
Absolutely so .
During the holidays I try to.
I always say you know, whatworks for me may not work for
you, but I want to give youthings to put in your toolbox.
That's something that I say.
Or do you know how we get inchurch?
I hope it's something that Isaid, that I do, that make you
want to get closer.
I hope that I give themsomething in their toolbox that
(14:58):
they say you know what Iremember?
Chanel said to create a ritual,no-transcript, or you know,
(15:26):
it's about regaining a sense ofcontrol of your life by
maintaining that structure andhaving a routine.
Again, when you lose a lovedone, you lose a part of your
heart, you lose a part of yoursoul and that is a void that is
never.
I don't care what you do,Nobody can ever fill that void.
But what you can do is continueto make great memories so that
you focus on the love and notthe loss.
I tell people all the timelet's celebrate the life and not
(15:49):
mourn the death.
Chuck (15:51):
Those moments that you had with them.
Scharnelle Hamlin (15:53):
Nobody can ever take that away from you.
And I'm trying to say, and Ihope I don't get it wrong, but I
used to see something I thinkit says something like death
leaves a heartache no one canheal, but love leaves memories
that no one can steal.
Chuck (16:06):
I love that yeah.
Scharnelle Hamlin (16:08):
And that's true when it comes to my
homicide victims.
When I'm talking to a motherand I'm telling you, the hardest
conversation to ever have is amother who's lost her only child
, for instance I ask them howold was your baby?
And they'll say 20 or 21.
For instance, I asked them howold was your baby, and they'll
say 20 or 21.
I said I want you to focus onthe 20 years of life that your
(16:35):
son or your daughter gave youand not focus on the one day
that was the worst day of yourlife.
They meant more to you in those20 years than they did that
night that they were taken.
So I want you to focus on those20 years of love, laughter,
smiles, joy, because if youfocus on that one day that you
lost them, that they were takenfrom you, it's going to consume.
You Honor them by rememberingthem in a great light.
(17:01):
I had a mother whose son wastaken right in front of her.
How do you ever get over that?
You don't Wow.
You ever get over that?
Yeah, you don't Wow.
You learn to cope with the loss.
Chuck (17:10):
You see this all the time .
Scharnelle Hamlin (17:12):
All the time, all the time.
My phone, I get notificationsevery.
It seems like to me every 30 to45 seconds.
The gun memorial in Virginia isgoing off.
I'm getting a new notification.
What is that?
Another angel has been added tothat page.
Chuck (17:32):
The gun memorial.
What is that?
Scharnelle Hamlin (17:35):
So is the Virginia.
They have a national gunmemorial of all victims that
were taken due to gun violence,but they have one specific for
your state, so you can look upany state and you can see the
person's name.
Sometimes they have pictures.
They'll have the news articleand any family member can put a
(17:55):
picture up there.
And my phone goes offconstantly.
Chuck (17:59):
Wow, somebody else added Wow.
Scharnelle Hamlin (18:02):
Somebody else added.
Somebody else has added Anotherparent or another spouse,
another child is bearing, afriend, a brother, a sister, a
son, and it's disheartening thatpeople just don't value
people's lives.
Yeah, it doesn't Wow.
(18:22):
But then when you have someonelike your brother-in-law, that
just is fine.
You see this person and they'reokay, and then you get that
dreadful phone call that they'reno longer here.
Sometimes you don't know whatto say, and that's perfectly
okay, because sometimes it'sjust about being there, being
there for your sister, lettingher know that her feelings are
(18:45):
valid, despite how much time haspassed.
That's the worst thing that youcould do to someone is make
them feel that they should beover it when they are not ready
to be, To be their comforter, tojust to be there, to be there
for her to talk about her hubby.
Yeah.
Just a listening ear.
Chuck (19:04):
Yeah, I was about to say that Sometimes you don't have to
say anything, just be in thereor make the person, just be in
there.
Yeah.
Scharnelle Hamlin (19:12):
Wow.
And it's hard Because again,she has to change her entire
narrative to what she used to do, whether, if she was, you know,
conditioned to get up in themorning and make his his his
coffee and his breakfast andseeing him, and she's looking
forward to those kisses when hewalks through the door.
(19:33):
That is gone and even though weknow that we are all gonna die,
there is no way that you canprepare for it, even someone
that is sick with cancer.
The day that you get that calland your loved ones tell you
that they are no longer here,even though you knew that it was
near, but when it's actuallyhere, a reality yeah, that's
(19:57):
reality setting in it'sbreathtaking, you feel like you
are suffocating and and you knew, you knew it was coming, but
you still can't prepare for it.
You can't, and that's why youhear people say I'm glad that I
spent the years that I did withmy loved ones.
I'm glad that I had the time tosit across the table and talk
(20:19):
with them, because that's whatthey hold on to when they're no
longer here.
Chuck (20:27):
That's so important to spend time with with you know
your loved ones or whatever, andtalk to them, you know, so you
can absolutely cherish thosemoments, yeah absolutely.
Scharnelle Hamlin (20:34):
I'm an advocate for taking pictures.
I have storage in my phone thatI can delete.
4 000 pictures right now and Iprobably still have 15,000 in my
phone.
Wow, Because you know why Ilike that.
One day a picture is all I'mgoing to have A voicemail One
day.
A picture and a voicemail, andI save them.
(20:56):
I have voicemails from my Grammy.
You know she was strong as anox.
She had to have a heart valvereplacement and before she
transitioned she told my mom andmy aunt.
She said I want you to tellthese doctors, take everything
that belonged to them off of meand leave everything that
belongs to me on me.
We knew she was telling us atthat moment I'm ready to go, I'm
(21:22):
tired of fighting.
But the second that I got thatcall, I knew she was ready to go
.
She told me.
But the second that I got thatcall it was like none of that
happened.
I didn't remember any of that.
I just remember my grandmotheris no longer here, Despite the
fact that I was going to thehospital, going to Norfolk
(21:42):
General, seeing her, seeing allthe tubes, but when I got that
call, all of that went out thewindow.
All I heard was that yourgrandmother is no longer here.
I forgot the surgery she had, Iforgot how long she was in the
hospital.
All I knew is that what was isno longer, and I deal with
(22:04):
homicides every day, but whenit's your own.
Chuck (22:08):
It's different, it hit different.
Scharnelle Hamlin (22:10):
It hit different and it hits hard.
Yeah, Because of me.
I don't want to seem like I'm ahypocrite.
How can I sit up here and tellpeople how to cope with losses
all day?
And now it hits me, and now I'mlike I'm clueless.
I don't know what to do andthat's because everybody's
situation is uniquely theirsthat way.
(22:32):
That's the reason why no onehas a right to tell someone when
they should be over it.
Nobody knows the relationshipyour sister had with her husband
Absolutely.
What if they were fighting thatday?
What if the last words that sheexchanged with him was an
argument and that he's gone?
That survivor's guilt will eatyou up.
(22:53):
I wish I did this.
I wish I told him I love himand then you go back and play
things in your mind that youknew.
That you probably said, but youcan't focus, so no one can tell
you that you should be overwhen you lose a loved one.
No one has a right to tell youthat because they don't know the
situation at hand.
They don't know that, wow, Ihave two mothers and I'll give
(23:17):
you the example of the best,because I live with it.
The night that my cousin wastaken, I was supposed to go to
his house but I said do notdisturb me until after seven
o'clock.
I'm at the gym and I put myphone on Do not disturb.
The very first call toSmithfield Police Department
came in at seven o'clock when hewas shot.
(23:38):
Wow.
And that thing, oh my God, itate me up because I said, had I
not turned my phone on, do notdisturb.
When I was at the gym and Iheard my mom calling me and
saying Travis has been shot, Icould have helped him.
I could have went down there, Icould apply pressure to his
(23:59):
wounds, I could have been there.
And then it hit me and mymother said and you probably
could have been shot too.
And my mother said and youprobably could have been shot
too.
And that is the only that wasthe most, I would say, profound
thing that she said to me thathelped ease the survivor's guilt
, because I still live with itright but saying that to me, it
(24:21):
brung it.
It brung it plain.
It made it real to me andthat's why I said grief is grief
comes like a thief in the nightit comes.
We expect our loved ones toalways return.
Chuck (24:37):
Yeah, we do so what would you say to um, I guess, a
parent, wife, husband that havelost their loved ones.
What would you say to them ifthey were to call you?
Scharnelle Hamlin (24:52):
If they were to call me the first thing, I
would say I'm giving youpermission to grieve, I'm giving
you permission to hurt, I'mgiving you permission to grieve
in your own way, because not allthose that are affected react
in the same way.
You have to allow yourself togrieve at your own pace.
I will tell them, I want you toaddress your trauma head on.
(25:17):
Don't just put it in your backpocket, because when you think
it's not there, it's going toresurface.
It is, I would tell them, oneof the most.
I mean oh my god, settingboundaries, anything that
disturbs your peace, get rid ofit, let it go, because sometimes
(25:38):
our family can mean well andthey do more harm than good talk
about because, like you say it,sometimes they can say the
wrong thing, sometimes,sometimes, silence is the best
answer.
Chuck (25:49):
Got you.
Scharnelle Hamlin (25:50):
Safely release your anger.
When it comes to your loss,it's okay to cry and scream.
A lot of people try to say youknow, anger is a bad emotion.
No, anger is not a bad emotion.
It's an emotion, but it's howyou displace it that makes it
bad versus good.
(26:10):
I keep a journal.
Parents, I say you know, writeyour favorite things about your
spouse or about your child, or365 or 366 days of affirmation.
Get you a notebook and everysingle day I want you to write
something that somebody said toyou that changed your life for
the better.
And on those rough days, pickup that book, whatever day it is
(26:35):
of that month of that year, goto that day and see what you
wrote to yourself.
That has been one of the mostpowerful tools, because I can
call five or six of mygirlfriends right now.
I was like, listen, I need aword.
And they'll say give me a dateand I'll randomly pick a date
and it just so happens thatwhatever they read to me I can
(26:55):
relate to for that situation.
Wow, journaling creates you towrite your story your way.
Nobody else has that pen, butyou story your way.
Nobody else has that pen, butyou.
(27:16):
So honor your loved ones andhowever you see fit, some people
don't like going to the graveSome people.
It's eerie for them and that isokay.
However, you choose to honoryour spouse, you do it and you
do it your way.
Don't let anybody tell youdifferently.
And that's what I would tell agrieving spouse, a grieving
mother Honor your loved one andyour way and grieve at your own
(27:41):
pace.
Chuck (27:42):
Own pace, wow.
So sometimes isolating yourself, like you say, grieving at your
own pace.
Sometimes you work your wayback into the environment that
you were once in being aroundpeople, so it's okay to pace
yourself.
Scharnelle Hamlin (28:01):
Ok, you know we like to go into our safe
spots.
Our safe places, you know,versus being safe.
For instance, if you're in yourhouse, I like to be in my
bedroom.
That is my security, that is mysafe place.
I don't always necessarily wantto be out in the front with the
family or in the living room.
So if I isolate myself, I'mtaking, I'm giving myself to
(28:24):
take time for me.
That's what isolation is.
I don't want to be aroundanybody, I just want to be here,
one with my thoughts.
Now where it becomes a problemis if you're isolating yourself
consistently and you're notinteracting with anybody else.
Got you, because you know anidle mind is a what?
Chuck (28:42):
Devil's playground.
Scharnelle Hamlin (28:44):
Devil's playground.
All these thoughts are going tokeep resurfacing in your head
over and over again and you'regoing to keep thinking about
that night.
You're going to think about thecoulda, the shoulda, the
wouldas.
So isolation is not always abad thing.
But I always tell people youknow, like listen, I'm going to
give you that space, I'm goingto check on you.
I don't want you to feel thatI'm rushing you or anything.
(29:04):
I I don't want you to feel thatI'm rushing you or anything.
I just need to lay eyes on you.
You're telling me you're good,I'm good, you're letting them
know that you're there.
But it's good to give themtheir space.
Some people I don't know why,they just don't like crying or
showing their emotion in frontof people.
Isolation gives them that timeto release.
(29:26):
And they need that, because thatpressure is going to keep
building up and it has to gosomewhere.
I never really understood,until I got to be an adulthood,
that stress will kill you.
It will, and sometimes we'llstress all the things that we
could have done differently whenour loved one is lost, all the
(29:48):
things that we could have said,all the things that we could
have did if we just had a littlebit more time.
But time waits for no one.
It doesn't, and that's whygrace is so important to say you
know what?
I got up today?
I went to work and I came home,and that should be celebrated,
(30:09):
because asking for help is veryhard and then showing up after
you've asked.
Chuck (30:15):
Yeah, takes a lot of courage yeah, you had an acronym
tears, talk about thatars.
Scharnelle Hamlin (30:22):
I came up with this acronym because, again
, my tears were always.
Even when, when, when somebodystarts to cry, I noticed, like
in church, somebody is quick togive you a piece of tissue
instead of letting those tearsfall.
Sometimes all we need is a goodcry.
But I noticed that even in mygroups.
(30:42):
I'll put the tissue there, butI'll let them get it, because
when they want to wipe theirface, that's when I know that
they're ready.
So tough experiences alwaysreveal strength.
That's my acronym.
That's what my tears do for me.
I cry all the time and it's nota sign of weakness.
(31:05):
That's me letting whatever itis that is plaguing me.
That's me releasing it backinto the atmosphere.
It's gone and even if it comesback, I'll cry again and I'll
release it again, but I'mgetting rid of it.
If I don't, if I don't want it,I release it, and that's how I
came up with that act, thatacronym.
(31:26):
Tough experiences always revealstrength.
Wow, amazing.
Sometimes the strong needs ashoulder to cry on.
Who's there for the strongestperson in your family absolutely
Absolutely.
Sometimes people think that youknow we are exempt from pain
because we're the strong ones.
(31:47):
No, we need to be checked onjust as much as we're checking
on you.
Come by and see about me, Makesure that I'm okay.
Don't stop talking about myhusband.
Don't stop talking about him.
Bring his name up.
Remember the good times.
Remember the family gatheringswhen he said a funny joke, or
you remember when he wore thisand he was clean.
(32:08):
That will start to bring moresmiles than tears.
Chuck (32:16):
Gotcha, wow.
So how can people reach you ifthey wanted to get in contact
with you Just to have aconversation about you?
Know, grief?
Scharnelle Hamlin (32:25):
if they wanted to get in contact with me
.
My my email address is charnels.
My name s-c-h-a-r-n-e-l-l-e dothamlin, h-a-m-l-i-n.
At v-a network dot org.
That is my email.
My personal email is verysimple.
It's charnelhamlin at gmailcom.
(32:48):
They can email me.
We can have lunch, we can talk.
Sometimes I just just need tobe there to listen.
Chuck (32:55):
Right.
Scharnelle Hamlin (32:56):
I think so many times people feel that when
someone is talking about griefand loss, that they are looking
for us to solve their problems,and sometimes they're just
looking for you to listen.
I'm a helper.
I'm a helper by nature, butwhen it comes to grief, a person
will tell you what they need.
They'll tell you exactly whatit is that they need.
(33:18):
And if they don't know whatthey need, then just give them a
little bit.
Extend that grace to them andthey will figure it out.
And if they need't know whatthey need, then just give them a
little bit.
Extend that grace to them andthey will figure it out.
And if they need extra hand,that's when we come in, right.
But we don't tell people whatthey need.
We give them the tools to putin their toolbox and they use
what best works for them so theycan email me.
(33:38):
I'm up all types of the night.
If I see it, I'll respond there, you know, because no one
should suffer in silence.
No one fights or no one shouldfight any battle alone.
They shouldn't.
Chuck (33:54):
Yeah, I appreciate this conversation, I really do, and I
hope to have you back on oneday.
Scharnelle Hamlin (34:01):
Thank you for this platform, absolutely.
You are doing an amazing,amazing work and I pray that you
know God blesses you abundantlybecause, again, it's what we
don't say that hurts us the most, right?
Chuck (34:16):
So I thank you, thank you , thank you.
Amazing.
I really appreciate you,sharnel, being on let's Just
Talk About it podcast.
Amazing, I really appreciateyou, sharnel, being on let's
Just Talk About it podcast justto share what you see on a
day-to-day basis about grief.
That is an ongoing thing.
It's not.
It doesn't have an expirationdate on it.
It doesn't.
That's good to know because,like you said, sometimes I guess
(34:40):
either people or yourself feellike you should be further than
what you should be.
But who's to say?
Who's to say yeah, who's to sayyou know that you should be.
You shouldn't be crying thislong, you know.
Scharnelle Hamlin (34:53):
Right, and it's no like textbook.
You know regimen that says,okay, well, I experienced all
five stages of grief.
I experienced the anger, Iexperienced the denial.
I experienced the denial, Iexperienced the depression.
And then you're done.
No, you can experiencedepression again, you can
experience anger again, you canexperience denial again.
(35:15):
It doesn't matter, grief doesnot.
There's no set stage.
You know that you will go in.
You are human and you are notexempt from grief.
Wow, it doesn't matter how mucheducation you have, it doesn't
matter how many letters you havebehind your name you are human
(35:36):
and you have a right to hurtamazing.
Chuck (35:39):
I appreciate you thanks again, thank you absolutely for
being a part of this, thisconversation, this platform, yep
.
Scharnelle Hamlin (35:47):
I appreciate you and again, thank you so, so
much for the opportunity wow,what an amazing conversation
today.
Chuck (35:55):
Shout out to Chanel for having this dialogue with me.
You know she shared so manythings that can help us to
navigate through those toughseasons of grieving, but one of
the things that really stuck outto me was when she said that
it's okay not to be okay, thatwe don't have to act like we're
okay when we're really not okay,that it's all right to release
those tears when we remember theones we've lost.
So again, thank you, chanel,for the work that you do, and I
(36:18):
want to thank everybody foralways tuning in to let's Just
Talk About it podcast, and ifyou have any media needs, such
as videography and photography,you can reach out to me and my
partner Low Mills at M&B Media.
So, as always, until next time,don't hold it in, but let's
just talk about it.
Talk to you soon, thank you.
Hey, welcome back to another episode of let's Just
Talk About it podcast.
I'm your host, chuck, and ifyou're here for the first time,
this platform was created togive genuine people just like
you an opportunity to share aportion of your life's journey.
So, with that being said, onthis episode, I have Chane
Hamlin on with me today here totalk about the reality of grief
(00:31):
when we lose a loved one,something we really don't want
to talk about, but it's a realthing.
So, hey, you don't want to missthis conversation.
As a matter of fact, do me afavor go and grab your husband,
your wife, your children, oreven call a friend and gather
around to listen to myconversation with Chanel Hamlin
on let's Just Talk About itpodcast.
Hey, let's jump right in.
(00:51):
Thank you so much for alwaystuning in to let's Just Talk
About it podcast, a podcastgeared toward giving genuine
people an opportunity to share aportion of their life journey.
So today we have ScharnelleHamlin on with us today.
(01:15):
How's it going, chanel?
It's going well.
How are you?
Doing good?
Doing good.
I appreciate you.
Scharnelle Hamlin (01:21):
Thank you for having me Absolutely.
Chuck (01:22):
Appreciate you.
Thank you for having meAbsolutely, Scharnelle.
I love to jump right into myinterviews to have those genuine
conversations with genuinepeople just like yourself, and I
love to start off with thisquestion when are you from?
Scharnelle Hamlin (01:35):
I am from a rural small town in the
Tidewater area called SurryCounty, Virginia.
Ever heard of Saree?
Chuck (01:44):
Yeah, but I did not know it was in the Tidewater area.
Scharnelle Hamlin (01:45):
Yes, we are part of the 757.
Chuck (01:47):
Okay, you're educating because I did not know.
Scharnelle Hamlin (01:52):
But if you blink, you will miss it, so
where is that located at?
I'm about 20.
One thing I like about Sari isthat I'm in the middle of
everything, so in an hour I canget to Richmond.
I can get to Richmond, I canget to Hampton, newport News,
chesapeake.
So I'm about 30 minutes fromAllaway County, smithfield,
virginia.
Yeah, not too far from there.
Chuck (02:14):
Okay, you educated me.
I did not know.
Surry was a part of the 757.
Shout out to.
Siri County.
Scharnelle Hamlin (02:21):
Yes, put us on the map.
Chuck (02:26):
So how was it for you growing up in the area?
Scharnelle Hamlin (02:29):
Well, ceri is very, very small, but we are
such community focused, and wehave a slogan Surry is something
special.
So we always look out for eachother, and that's the one thing
I like about it.
You know, I have a rooster thatstill wakes me up in the
morning.
Really, we don't have theluxuries that the big cities
have, but it's just theconnectedness and the
(02:49):
family-ness that I love about it.
So I played sports a lot here.
Okay, what did you?
Chuck (02:55):
play.
Scharnelle Hamlin (02:56):
I played softball, I ran track, I played
volleyball, played basketball.
That wasn't for me.
It was a little too enduring.
So I stuck with softball andvolleyball, so you're very
outgoing, I would considermyself an outgoing person.
Chuck (03:12):
Got you, got you, got you , wow.
So back in April, chanel, Ilost my brother-in-law.
I know you said don't say lost,but I lost my brother-in-law um
from a heart attack, and I wastrying to hear that yeah, thank
you, and my, my sister and myniece.
(03:33):
It took it hard because it waslike unexpected.
It was unexpected.
So, me being the brother, Iwanted to reach out to somebody
who could relate or sharesomething with them.
You know, that could kind ofget them through that moment,
and this was back in April.
So I reached out to you and Iguess you didn't check your
messages, but you finallychecked your messages and saw my
(03:56):
you know my message wanting totalk to you.
So you reached out to me and Ireally appreciate you.
So here we are now and yourtitle is although he didn't die
from homicide, but your title isa homicide support group
coordinator.
What is that all about?
Scharnelle Hamlin (04:15):
So, basically what I do, I facilitate group
therapy for anyone who's lostloved ones to the homicide.
Our primary focus is gunviolence, but there are people
in our groups that have theirloved ones were taken through
strangulation, gun violence,stabbing and various methods.
However, when you said that youhad lost your brother from a
(04:37):
heart attack, in that aspectsaying loss is appropriate.
We try not to say loss when itcomes to homicide, because loss
we know where they are, theywere taken from us.
So by you saying your brotheryou know he succumbed to a heart
attack, we use loss.
You know we will say sorry foryour loss because you did lose
(05:00):
someone due to medical andnatural causes and things of
that nature.
But the one thing that theyshare in common is that grief
has no expiration date.
So regardless of how that lossor them being taken took place,
it still are the same emotionsthat we feel.
We all know that we have anappointed time, we just don't
(05:22):
know when it is.
That doesn't mean that anymethod is going to make us deal
with it easier, Like I'll giveyou an example my grandmother.
She died on her birthday, her96th birthday, and although she
was old and she lived aprosperous life.
It still hit me like a ton ofbricks because I'm used to
having her here.
I came up where all of my I Iknew my grandparents, I knew my
(05:45):
great-grandparents and so did mychildren.
So to lose someone and that'svery rare yeah, for your
children to know theirgreat-grandparents or their
great-great-grandparents.
So the thing that connects usboth is that grief has no
expiration date.
It doesn't matter how happens,it still affects us in the same
(06:06):
way.
Chuck (06:08):
Wow.
So on a day-to-day basis, whatdo you do?
You wait for phone calls or youjust?
How does that work?
Scharnelle Hamlin (06:17):
So I work very closely with the victim
witness assistant programs inthe state of Virginia.
I don't just cover the 757.
My organization, which is theVirginia Victim Assistance
Network, we assist any crimevictim.
My division is just homicide.
So homicides that come fromNorthern Virginia, suffolk,
chesapeake, sary, it does notmatter, I assist them.
(06:41):
And so all of our groups are ledby clinicians.
They are licensed therapists,counselors, social workers, so
they're actually getting freeclinical counseling, which is
major because it's veryexpensive even with insurance.
Sometimes insurance gives you acap.
You can only have this amountof sessions.
So we give them these sessionsfree of charge.
(07:04):
We offer virtual and in person.
We try to make it as convenientas possible.
Some people have transportationissues and that's a lot.
When you get to Cedar County wedon't have buses or trains or
Ubers or anything like that.
But more times than not someonehas a smartphone or some type
of device where they can accessthese services right from the
(07:27):
convenience of their home.
So they don't have to worryabout childcare, they don't have
to worry about gas, and that isvery, very important to me,
because a lot of people sufferin silence and they are afraid
to say I don't have a car to getthere.
But I know that I need itbecause I've been dealing with
this and just thinking of yoursister.
You got to realize somebodythat she was used to having in
(07:49):
her circle in her life it's justgone, no notice.
No, you know, it just happened.
Heart attacks hit you just likeat a drop of a hat and half of
the times they were perfectlyfine.
They were perfectly fine andthen all of a sudden, your life
changes, and so that's why I tryto tell people there is no more
(08:10):
normal for you.
I really don't like when peoplesay, oh, this is the new normal
.
No, normal is when I had myright.
Normal is when I had my spouse.
I don't have him now.
So there is no more normal forme.
I'm creating a new narrativewithout him and it's hard, it's
(08:33):
hard.
I tell people all the time.
The realization that your lovedone is gone hits so much
different, because what you onceknew is no longer.
Yeah, yeah, you have tonavigate a whole different path.
Chuck (08:49):
Right right, create a new way of of living without that
person being there absolutely,wow, absolutely.
Scharnelle Hamlin (08:58):
and even me, doing this work, I can teach
people all the time methods tocope.
You never get over a loss.
I don't care how the losshappened.
You never get over that.
We just learn to cope with itand sometimes it's a little bit
more bearable, but that pain isstill gut-wrenching.
There are things and days aboutwhen my loved ones were taken
(09:22):
that make me feel like it justhappened.
We're talking about 12 yearsand two years ago.
Chuck (09:29):
So there's like like, when you talk about that, it's
like triggers, like things thatmake you remember the smell, the
sound, the music.
Scharnelle Hamlin (09:36):
You got it, wow, or say cliches that my
loved ones used to say.
You know, sometimes I'll hearthat and automatically I don't
know that.
I have to excuse myself out ofthat situation, because I used
to be afraid to cry in front ofpeople why is that?
Because I was brought up in asociety where crying was a sign
of weakness, and it's not.
(09:57):
Crying is a sign of strengthright and in the black and brown
communities we were.
Well, I'm not going to say we,I'm going to say me.
I was raised where.
You know.
What goes on in my house staysin this house and that's why I
tell people silence is violence.
There's no reason for me to behurting in my home dealing with
emotions and tears that God gaveme.
(10:19):
If he didn't want me to havetears, he wouldn't give them to
me.
Chuck (10:22):
Right, right, if he, he didn't want me to have tears.
Scharnelle Hamlin (10:30):
He wouldn't give them to me, right, right,
if he didn't want me to feelanger and resentment and guilt.
These were emotions that hewould not have have given,
absolutely, because what happenswhen little boys are dealt with
, or little boys or little girlsare faced with things like
death?
They are afraid to expresstheir emotions.
Why, why?
Chuck (10:44):
see, we've been taught not to say anything, to be
silent and hold our emotions in.
But when you get to that placewhere you can't take it anymore,
those emotions come outsideways.
Where you start, you know,acting out because of the pain
on the inside.
Scharnelle Hamlin (10:59):
So where they're going to go yeah if I'm
taught to bottle everything inwhen it's time for me to let
them out and explode, more timesthan not I'm gonna take it out
on somebody that's innocent.
That was just there.
That's a fact.
Yeah, all because I was taughtthat.
Hey, talk to me, and sometimesyou know it's difficult to talk
(11:20):
to the ones that may even becausing it, or the ones If
you're telling me.
You know I understand that thisloss is hurting you, but you
know it's time to move on.
Why?
Why is it time to move on whenI haven't dealt with the loss?
That's deep man.
Chuck (11:37):
You said grief has no expiration date, so it's like
it's ongoing, it does not havean expiration date.
Scharnelle Hamlin (11:46):
and I tell people, I teach people in our
groups when I sit in becausesometimes I sit in as the
facilitator, sometimes I sit inas a victim, because I am a
survivor of a homicide, of twohomicide victims, and I tell
people all the time you have tolearn how to give yourself grace
, you have to extend grace toyourself and sometimes you just
(12:07):
have to say no.
No is a complete sentence.
Chuck (12:09):
Right, what do you mean?
Scharnelle Hamlin (12:11):
when you say it does not require an
explanation.
Chuck (12:13):
What do you mean when you say extend grace to yourself,
talk about that.
You never know who's listeningand they want to understand when
I say extend grace to yourself.
Scharnelle Hamlin (12:19):
Sometimes we force ourselves to accept things
or feel that we need to befurther along in our grief
journey than we are, and it'snot.
People will say to me wow, youknow, travis has been gone.
That was my cousin who wastaken.
He's been gone 12 years and youknow, I still see you.
You know you still talk abouthim.
I said, because he lives everyday in my heart, why would I
(12:41):
stop saying his name, why wouldI stop talking about him?
That's how I keep his legacyalive.
I talk about him as if he isstill here with me Right, right,
right.
Chuck (12:52):
So it's good to keep talking about the individual.
Scharnelle Hamlin (12:54):
Absolutely.
Chuck (12:54):
Wow.
Scharnelle Hamlin (12:55):
Now, I get it .
Sometimes when you talk aboutthem, it's going to bring those
emotions.
But not all emotions are goingto be sad.
Sometimes you're going toremember the great times.
When it comes to your sister,she should celebrate, whether
it's his favorite food orfavorite places, that they used
to be, anything that used tobring a sense of smile and joy
to her life.
Those are the things that youwant to keep near, because
(13:18):
that's how you keep them near,and I get it.
It's going to be painful, butthe more that you do something
sometimes, the more bearable itbecomes.
Chuck (13:27):
Right, right, right right , wow.
So, with the holidaysapproaching, how can a person
you know become proactive, Iguess, before they get here, or
you'll never be in a place whereyou're strong enough.
Sometimes it's just you're justgoing to still go through those
emotions, no matter what theseason or holiday or whatever it
(13:50):
may be.
Scharnelle Hamlin (13:51):
And you know what?
I'm glad you said that, becauseI have a poem that I wrote and
the poem title is called it'sOkay Not To Be Okay.
Chuck (14:00):
I like that.
Scharnelle Hamlin (14:02):
It is perfectly fine to have bad days.
There's no one out here walking.
Whether it's death or not, thatdoes not have a bad day.
Chuck (14:10):
That's good, chanel, I like that.
Scharnelle Hamlin (14:13):
You know we celebrate the good days, but
it's like when we have a bad day, we have to find ways to tell
people well, you know I'm havinga bad day, but you know I'm
going to be all right.
No, I'm not.
I'm not going to be all righttoday, because I'm dealing with
some things.
But you know what?
I am going to do.
I'm going to face it head on sothat it doesn't eat away at me.
Chuck (14:35):
To that own self be true.
Scharnelle Hamlin (14:37):
Absolutely so .
During the holidays I try to.
I always say you know, whatworks for me may not work for
you, but I want to give youthings to put in your toolbox.
That's something that I say.
Or do you know how we get inchurch?
I hope it's something that Isaid, that I do, that make you
want to get closer.
I hope that I give themsomething in their toolbox that
(14:58):
they say you know what Iremember?
Chanel said to create a ritual,no-transcript, or you know,
(15:26):
it's about regaining a sense ofcontrol of your life by
maintaining that structure andhaving a routine.
Again, when you lose a lovedone, you lose a part of your
heart, you lose a part of yoursoul and that is a void that is
never.
I don't care what you do,Nobody can ever fill that void.
But what you can do is continueto make great memories so that
you focus on the love and notthe loss.
I tell people all the timelet's celebrate the life and not
(15:49):
mourn the death.
Chuck (15:51):
Those moments that you had with them.
Scharnelle Hamlin (15:53):
Nobody can ever take that away from you.
And I'm trying to say, and Ihope I don't get it wrong, but I
used to see something I thinkit says something like death
leaves a heartache no one canheal, but love leaves memories
that no one can steal.
Chuck (16:06):
I love that yeah.
Scharnelle Hamlin (16:08):
And that's true when it comes to my
homicide victims.
When I'm talking to a motherand I'm telling you, the hardest
conversation to ever have is amother who's lost her only child
, for instance I ask them howold was your baby?
And they'll say 20 or 21.
For instance, I asked them howold was your baby, and they'll
say 20 or 21.
I said I want you to focus onthe 20 years of life that your
(16:35):
son or your daughter gave youand not focus on the one day
that was the worst day of yourlife.
They meant more to you in those20 years than they did that
night that they were taken.
So I want you to focus on those20 years of love, laughter,
smiles, joy, because if youfocus on that one day that you
lost them, that they were takenfrom you, it's going to consume.
You Honor them by rememberingthem in a great light.
(17:01):
I had a mother whose son wastaken right in front of her.
How do you ever get over that?
You don't Wow.
You ever get over that?
Yeah, you don't Wow.
You learn to cope with the loss.
Chuck (17:10):
You see this all the time .
Scharnelle Hamlin (17:12):
All the time, all the time.
My phone, I get notificationsevery.
It seems like to me every 30 to45 seconds.
The gun memorial in Virginia isgoing off.
I'm getting a new notification.
What is that?
Another angel has been added tothat page.
Chuck (17:32):
The gun memorial.
What is that?
Scharnelle Hamlin (17:35):
So is the Virginia.
They have a national gunmemorial of all victims that
were taken due to gun violence,but they have one specific for
your state, so you can look upany state and you can see the
person's name.
Sometimes they have pictures.
They'll have the news articleand any family member can put a
(17:55):
picture up there.
And my phone goes offconstantly.
Chuck (17:59):
Wow, somebody else added Wow.
Scharnelle Hamlin (18:02):
Somebody else added.
Somebody else has added Anotherparent or another spouse,
another child is bearing, afriend, a brother, a sister, a
son, and it's disheartening thatpeople just don't value
people's lives.
Yeah, it doesn't Wow.
(18:22):
But then when you have someonelike your brother-in-law, that
just is fine.
You see this person and they'reokay, and then you get that
dreadful phone call that they'reno longer here.
Sometimes you don't know whatto say, and that's perfectly
okay, because sometimes it'sjust about being there, being
there for your sister, lettingher know that her feelings are
(18:45):
valid, despite how much time haspassed.
That's the worst thing that youcould do to someone is make
them feel that they should beover it when they are not ready
to be, To be their comforter, tojust to be there, to be there
for her to talk about her hubby.
Yeah.
Just a listening ear.
Chuck (19:04):
Yeah, I was about to say that Sometimes you don't have to
say anything, just be in thereor make the person, just be in
there.
Yeah.
Scharnelle Hamlin (19:12):
Wow.
And it's hard Because again,she has to change her entire
narrative to what she used to do, whether, if she was, you know,
conditioned to get up in themorning and make his his his
coffee and his breakfast andseeing him, and she's looking
forward to those kisses when hewalks through the door.
(19:33):
That is gone and even though weknow that we are all gonna die,
there is no way that you canprepare for it, even someone
that is sick with cancer.
The day that you get that calland your loved ones tell you
that they are no longer here,even though you knew that it was
near, but when it's actuallyhere, a reality yeah, that's
(19:57):
reality setting in it'sbreathtaking, you feel like you
are suffocating and and you knew, you knew it was coming, but
you still can't prepare for it.
You can't, and that's why youhear people say I'm glad that I
spent the years that I did withmy loved ones.
I'm glad that I had the time tosit across the table and talk
(20:19):
with them, because that's whatthey hold on to when they're no
longer here.
Chuck (20:27):
That's so important to spend time with with you know
your loved ones or whatever, andtalk to them, you know, so you
can absolutely cherish thosemoments, yeah absolutely.
Scharnelle Hamlin (20:34):
I'm an advocate for taking pictures.
I have storage in my phone thatI can delete.
4 000 pictures right now and Iprobably still have 15,000 in my
phone.
Wow, Because you know why Ilike that.
One day a picture is all I'mgoing to have A voicemail One
day.
A picture and a voicemail, andI save them.
(20:56):
I have voicemails from my Grammy.
You know she was strong as anox.
She had to have a heart valvereplacement and before she
transitioned she told my mom andmy aunt.
She said I want you to tellthese doctors, take everything
that belonged to them off of meand leave everything that
belongs to me on me.
We knew she was telling us atthat moment I'm ready to go, I'm
(21:22):
tired of fighting.
But the second that I got thatcall, I knew she was ready to go
.
She told me.
But the second that I got thatcall it was like none of that
happened.
I didn't remember any of that.
I just remember my grandmotheris no longer here, Despite the
fact that I was going to thehospital, going to Norfolk
(21:42):
General, seeing her, seeing allthe tubes, but when I got that
call, all of that went out thewindow.
All I heard was that yourgrandmother is no longer here.
I forgot the surgery she had, Iforgot how long she was in the
hospital.
All I knew is that what was isno longer, and I deal with
(22:04):
homicides every day, but whenit's your own.
Chuck (22:08):
It's different, it hit different.
Scharnelle Hamlin (22:10):
It hit different and it hits hard.
Yeah, Because of me.
I don't want to seem like I'm ahypocrite.
How can I sit up here and tellpeople how to cope with losses
all day?
And now it hits me, and now I'mlike I'm clueless.
I don't know what to do andthat's because everybody's
situation is uniquely theirsthat way.
(22:32):
That's the reason why no onehas a right to tell someone when
they should be over it.
Nobody knows the relationshipyour sister had with her husband
Absolutely.
What if they were fighting thatday?
What if the last words that sheexchanged with him was an
argument and that he's gone?
That survivor's guilt will eatyou up.
(22:53):
I wish I did this.
I wish I told him I love himand then you go back and play
things in your mind that youknew.
That you probably said, but youcan't focus, so no one can tell
you that you should be overwhen you lose a loved one.
No one has a right to tell youthat because they don't know the
situation at hand.
They don't know that, wow, Ihave two mothers and I'll give
(23:17):
you the example of the best,because I live with it.
The night that my cousin wastaken, I was supposed to go to
his house but I said do notdisturb me until after seven
o'clock.
I'm at the gym and I put myphone on Do not disturb.
The very first call toSmithfield Police Department
came in at seven o'clock when hewas shot.
(23:38):
Wow.
And that thing, oh my God, itate me up because I said, had I
not turned my phone on, do notdisturb.
When I was at the gym and Iheard my mom calling me and
saying Travis has been shot, Icould have helped him.
I could have went down there, Icould apply pressure to his
(23:59):
wounds, I could have been there.
And then it hit me and mymother said and you probably
could have been shot too.
And my mother said and youprobably could have been shot
too.
And that is the only that wasthe most, I would say, profound
thing that she said to me thathelped ease the survivor's guilt
, because I still live with itright but saying that to me, it
(24:21):
brung it.
It brung it plain.
It made it real to me andthat's why I said grief is grief
comes like a thief in the nightit comes.
We expect our loved ones toalways return.
Chuck (24:37):
Yeah, we do so what would you say to um, I guess, a
parent, wife, husband that havelost their loved ones.
What would you say to them ifthey were to call you?
Scharnelle Hamlin (24:52):
If they were to call me the first thing, I
would say I'm giving youpermission to grieve, I'm giving
you permission to hurt, I'mgiving you permission to grieve
in your own way, because not allthose that are affected react
in the same way.
You have to allow yourself togrieve at your own pace.
I will tell them, I want you toaddress your trauma head on.
(25:17):
Don't just put it in your backpocket, because when you think
it's not there, it's going toresurface.
It is, I would tell them, oneof the most.
I mean oh my god, settingboundaries, anything that
disturbs your peace, get rid ofit, let it go, because sometimes
(25:38):
our family can mean well andthey do more harm than good talk
about because, like you say it,sometimes they can say the
wrong thing, sometimes,sometimes, silence is the best
answer.
Chuck (25:49):
Got you.
Scharnelle Hamlin (25:50):
Safely release your anger.
When it comes to your loss,it's okay to cry and scream.
A lot of people try to say youknow, anger is a bad emotion.
No, anger is not a bad emotion.
It's an emotion, but it's howyou displace it that makes it
bad versus good.
(26:10):
I keep a journal.
Parents, I say you know, writeyour favorite things about your
spouse or about your child, or365 or 366 days of affirmation.
Get you a notebook and everysingle day I want you to write
something that somebody said toyou that changed your life for
the better.
And on those rough days, pickup that book, whatever day it is
(26:35):
of that month of that year, goto that day and see what you
wrote to yourself.
That has been one of the mostpowerful tools, because I can
call five or six of mygirlfriends right now.
I was like, listen, I need aword.
And they'll say give me a dateand I'll randomly pick a date
and it just so happens thatwhatever they read to me I can
(26:55):
relate to for that situation.
Wow, journaling creates you towrite your story your way.
Nobody else has that pen, butyou story your way.
Nobody else has that pen, butyou.
(27:16):
So honor your loved ones andhowever you see fit, some people
don't like going to the graveSome people.
It's eerie for them and that isokay.
However, you choose to honoryour spouse, you do it and you
do it your way.
Don't let anybody tell youdifferently.
And that's what I would tell agrieving spouse, a grieving
mother Honor your loved one andyour way and grieve at your own
(27:41):
pace.
Chuck (27:42):
Own pace, wow.
So sometimes isolating yourself, like you say, grieving at your
own pace.
Sometimes you work your wayback into the environment that
you were once in being aroundpeople, so it's okay to pace
yourself.
Scharnelle Hamlin (28:01):
Ok, you know we like to go into our safe
spots.
Our safe places, you know,versus being safe.
For instance, if you're in yourhouse, I like to be in my
bedroom.
That is my security, that is mysafe place.
I don't always necessarily wantto be out in the front with the
family or in the living room.
So if I isolate myself, I'mtaking, I'm giving myself to
(28:24):
take time for me.
That's what isolation is.
I don't want to be aroundanybody, I just want to be here,
one with my thoughts.
Now where it becomes a problemis if you're isolating yourself
consistently and you're notinteracting with anybody else.
Got you, because you know anidle mind is a what?
Chuck (28:42):
Devil's playground.
Scharnelle Hamlin (28:44):
Devil's playground.
All these thoughts are going tokeep resurfacing in your head
over and over again and you'regoing to keep thinking about
that night.
You're going to think about thecoulda, the shoulda, the
wouldas.
So isolation is not always abad thing.
But I always tell people youknow, like listen, I'm going to
give you that space, I'm goingto check on you.
I don't want you to feel thatI'm rushing you or anything.
(29:04):
I I don't want you to feel thatI'm rushing you or anything.
I just need to lay eyes on you.
You're telling me you're good,I'm good, you're letting them
know that you're there.
But it's good to give themtheir space.
Some people I don't know why,they just don't like crying or
showing their emotion in frontof people.
Isolation gives them that timeto release.
(29:26):
And they need that, because thatpressure is going to keep
building up and it has to gosomewhere.
I never really understood,until I got to be an adulthood,
that stress will kill you.
It will, and sometimes we'llstress all the things that we
could have done differently whenour loved one is lost, all the
(29:48):
things that we could have said,all the things that we could
have did if we just had a littlebit more time.
But time waits for no one.
It doesn't, and that's whygrace is so important to say you
know what?
I got up today?
I went to work and I came home,and that should be celebrated,
(30:09):
because asking for help is veryhard and then showing up after
you've asked.
Chuck (30:15):
Yeah, takes a lot of courage yeah, you had an acronym
tears, talk about thatars.
Scharnelle Hamlin (30:22):
I came up with this acronym because, again
, my tears were always.
Even when, when, when somebodystarts to cry, I noticed, like
in church, somebody is quick togive you a piece of tissue
instead of letting those tearsfall.
Sometimes all we need is a goodcry.
But I noticed that even in mygroups.
(30:42):
I'll put the tissue there, butI'll let them get it, because
when they want to wipe theirface, that's when I know that
they're ready.
So tough experiences alwaysreveal strength.
That's my acronym.
That's what my tears do for me.
I cry all the time and it's nota sign of weakness.
(31:05):
That's me letting whatever itis that is plaguing me.
That's me releasing it backinto the atmosphere.
It's gone and even if it comesback, I'll cry again and I'll
release it again, but I'mgetting rid of it.
If I don't, if I don't want it,I release it, and that's how I
came up with that act, thatacronym.
(31:26):
Tough experiences always revealstrength.
Wow, amazing.
Sometimes the strong needs ashoulder to cry on.
Who's there for the strongestperson in your family absolutely
Absolutely.
Sometimes people think that youknow we are exempt from pain
because we're the strong ones.
(31:47):
No, we need to be checked onjust as much as we're checking
on you.
Come by and see about me, Makesure that I'm okay.
Don't stop talking about myhusband.
Don't stop talking about him.
Bring his name up.
Remember the good times.
Remember the family gatheringswhen he said a funny joke, or
you remember when he wore thisand he was clean.
(32:08):
That will start to bring moresmiles than tears.
Chuck (32:16):
Gotcha, wow.
So how can people reach you ifthey wanted to get in contact
with you Just to have aconversation about you?
Know, grief?
Scharnelle Hamlin (32:25):
if they wanted to get in contact with me
.
My my email address is charnels.
My name s-c-h-a-r-n-e-l-l-e dothamlin, h-a-m-l-i-n.
At v-a network dot org.
That is my email.
My personal email is verysimple.
It's charnelhamlin at gmailcom.
(32:48):
They can email me.
We can have lunch, we can talk.
Sometimes I just just need tobe there to listen.
Chuck (32:55):
Right.
Scharnelle Hamlin (32:56):
I think so many times people feel that when
someone is talking about griefand loss, that they are looking
for us to solve their problems,and sometimes they're just
looking for you to listen.
I'm a helper.
I'm a helper by nature, butwhen it comes to grief, a person
will tell you what they need.
They'll tell you exactly whatit is that they need.
(33:18):
And if they don't know whatthey need, then just give them a
little bit.
Extend that grace to them andthey will figure it out.
And if they need't know whatthey need, then just give them a
little bit.
Extend that grace to them andthey will figure it out.
And if they need extra hand,that's when we come in, right.
But we don't tell people whatthey need.
We give them the tools to putin their toolbox and they use
what best works for them so theycan email me.
(33:38):
I'm up all types of the night.
If I see it, I'll respond there, you know, because no one
should suffer in silence.
No one fights or no one shouldfight any battle alone.
They shouldn't.
Chuck (33:54):
Yeah, I appreciate this conversation, I really do, and I
hope to have you back on oneday.
Scharnelle Hamlin (34:01):
Thank you for this platform, absolutely.
You are doing an amazing,amazing work and I pray that you
know God blesses you abundantlybecause, again, it's what we
don't say that hurts us the most, right?
Chuck (34:16):
So I thank you, thank you , thank you.
Amazing.
I really appreciate you,sharnel, being on let's Just
Talk About it podcast.
Amazing, I really appreciateyou, sharnel, being on let's
Just Talk About it podcast justto share what you see on a
day-to-day basis about grief.
That is an ongoing thing.
It's not.
It doesn't have an expirationdate on it.
It doesn't.
That's good to know because,like you said, sometimes I guess
(34:40):
either people or yourself feellike you should be further than
what you should be.
But who's to say?
Who's to say yeah, who's to sayyou know that you should be.
You shouldn't be crying thislong, you know.
Scharnelle Hamlin (34:53):
Right, and it's no like textbook.
You know regimen that says,okay, well, I experienced all
five stages of grief.
I experienced the anger, Iexperienced the denial.
I experienced the denial, Iexperienced the depression.
And then you're done.
No, you can experiencedepression again, you can
experience anger again, you canexperience denial again.
(35:15):
It doesn't matter, grief doesnot.
There's no set stage.
You know that you will go in.
You are human and you are notexempt from grief.
Wow, it doesn't matter how mucheducation you have, it doesn't
matter how many letters you havebehind your name you are human
(35:36):
and you have a right to hurtamazing.
Chuck (35:39):
I appreciate you thanks again, thank you absolutely for
being a part of this, thisconversation, this platform, yep
.
Scharnelle Hamlin (35:47):
I appreciate you and again, thank you so, so
much for the opportunity wow,what an amazing conversation
today.
Chuck (35:55):
Shout out to Chanel for having this dialogue with me.
You know she shared so manythings that can help us to
navigate through those toughseasons of grieving, but one of
the things that really stuck outto me was when she said that
it's okay not to be okay, thatwe don't have to act like we're
okay when we're really not okay,that it's all right to release
those tears when we remember theones we've lost.
So again, thank you, chanel,for the work that you do, and I
(36:18):
want to thank everybody foralways tuning in to let's Just
Talk About it podcast, and ifyou have any media needs, such
as videography and photography,you can reach out to me and my
partner Low Mills at M&B Media.
So, as always, until next time,don't hold it in, but let's
just talk about it.
Talk to you soon, thank you.
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