Chantal Landreville - Self-Awareness In Relationships - Let's Talk Love | A Real Love Ready Podcast

Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Welcome to Let's Talk Love, the podcast that brings you real
talk, fresh ideas, and expert insights every week.
Our guests are the most trusted voices in love and
relationships, and they're here for you with tools, information,
and friendly advice to help you expand the ways you love,
relate, and communicate. We tackle the big questions, not

(00:25):
shying away from the complex, the messy, the awkward, and the
joyful parts of relationships. I'm your host, Robin Ducharme.
Now let's talk love. Hello and welcome to Let's talk
love. I'm Robin Ducharme, your host,

(00:46):
and I'm so happy to be welcomed by my new friend.
Who I met in person last April at our summit in Vancouver,
Chantelle Landrievel Chantelle, thank you for joining us today
so. Excited.
You mean meeting? I was hunting you down?
Yeah, we're like my New Girl crush.

(01:07):
All right, now trust me, you're my girl crush too.
We like we, I was just saying toyou earlier, like we, I think we
are so similar in a lot of ways.Like we're the same, you know,
we have high energy and we're just like go getters as women.
And we're all about love, that'sfor sure.
We're on a mission to help people really have really
beautiful, beautiful relationships.

(01:29):
So thank you for being with us today, Chantel.
I really, I've been looking forward to this all week and
it's just a joy to always be with you.
I. Appreciate that.
And I've been looking, I've beenlooking forward since the day we
scheduled it. So this has been like massive
circle on my calendar. Today's the day.
Fantastic. So Chantel, you are a loving
relationship coach with over 2 decades of experience in

(01:52):
personal growth and human connection.
And we both have the same mission to help people discover
the path to authentic and lasting love.
So tell us how you became a loveand relationship coach.
That's let's start there and then we'll talk about your
fantastic book, Raise Your Love Signal that I enjoyed reading
all week and talking to my best friend about.
Amazing. I can't wait to hear those.

(02:14):
So how do you become a love and relationship coach?
In my case, it was through my own personal journey to trying
to find love. I was single for just under 18
years, which is a pretty damn long time, especially when you
have such a great personality and people are telling you all
the time, I don't understand. You're pretty, you're
successful, you're this, you're that.

(02:35):
It's like, what's wrong with me on my early 20s because I was in
a long term relationship from 19to 26.
I left the relationship realizing that I was just
starting to discover who I am and as I was stepping into that
new person, my partner at the time wasn't.
It wasn't it wasn't aligned anymore.
So I left the relationship because I always knew that I

(02:57):
didn't fit in the typical mold that we have been raised with
and a human brains and how we behave was always just something
I was fascinated by. So in the background I was a
massive self development junkie.Like when I mean a junkie, I
consumed, I read, I attended anything, everything you could
possibly imagine to try to understand.

(03:20):
And I used to be in the wine business.
I was a salespersons for most ofmy life and I naturally would
have these conversations with people because I'm a
relationship builder in my industry.
And being a salesperson, I noticed that if you have great
listening skills and you get curious about people, they will
literally vomit their lives to you.

(03:41):
So winning and dining, and as we're breaking bread, we end up
always talking about love and relationships.
And I would share a lot of the insights that I had learned.
So I would naturally be coachingpeople without even realizing
that I was doing it just becauseI was so fascinated with human
minds and how we would behave and just always trying to
understand. I was like, I need to understand

(04:03):
why this is happening. So Fast forward to my, I guess I
would say when I actually met myfiance, as if not, we'll be on
this podcast for three hours. When I finally met Jeff, I
realized, you know what, it's one thing to attract the right
partner, but it's a whole other thing being in relationship.
And I was very grateful that I had earned everything I had

(04:25):
learned and applied it. Because here's the other thing
why I wasn't changing things in my life as I was consuming self
development, is that I wasn't applying the work.
I was learning, learning, learning, consuming, consuming,
consuming, but not applying the actual work.
When I did start to apply, that's when I saw the results
including being in my own relationship.
And still today, I always say that I love to practice what I

(04:47):
teach. So my my poor fiance and myself
are always the Guinea pig. I always love to, you know,
observe myself and see what's going on and apply what I do.
Learn continuously, don't and apply.
So when COVID happened, I went from traveling the world
globally to all of a sudden being home 24/7 and having a lot
of free time. So I took an entrepreneurship

(05:09):
course. And through that course, they
were pushing us to write the book.
And I knew at this point I wanted to help people learn how
to maintain relationship becauseas I said, it's one thing to
attract it, but it's a whole other thing maintaining it,
hence the title of the book. And I have just created this
program that I better tested andeverything happened so quickly

(05:31):
and I started teaching it to practice it.
And then I was like, this is it.This is this is what I meant to
do. And yeah, because I had taken my
coaching certification maybe 10 years ago, but back then I was
like, not patient enough. I'm not empathetic enough
because everybody has their own journey and you can teach all
you want, but you can't expect people to change unless they

(05:52):
want to do so themselves. So I still needed to cultivate a
few things because authenticity is real important.
And it's, it's, it's more and more important to apply the
actual work instead of just talking about it.
So I felt that that was, I was, I was ready.
And then I wrote the book and everything kind of happened

(06:13):
really quickly. And finally, I left the
industry, wine industry about it's going to be a year and a
half now to fully focus on this full time because my heart is
pulled and we need it so much, so much, so much, so much.
We do. I think we really we all yearn
as human beings to have deep connections to one another.

(06:35):
But something you talk about in your book and which, you know,
we talk about this on the podcast all the time.
We don't have the skills and two, and we can learn the
skills, but we aren't raised to learn how to be really good in
relationships. Some of us are that maybe the
maybe very, very, very small percentage of us were raised
with, with parents, let's say that had healthy, beautiful

(07:00):
relationships that you would learn from and be like, OK,
that's how you treat another person and that's how you
maintain a really beautiful relationship.
But the most most of us don't. So this is this is, this is
awesome. And it's so a year and a half, a
year and a half ago. That's not long ago and you took
the leap and I just think that'sawesome.
I took the. Leap, I'm holding up.
I'm holding up your book. It's called Raise Your Love
Signal, a guide to attracting and keeping the love of your

(07:23):
life. So what?
Just tell us quickly, why did you name your book Raise Your
Love Signal? What does that mean?
Because I think I know, I know what I in my mind, like I've got
an idea. But what does it mean to you?
Why did you name your book RaiseYour Love Signal and what does
it mean to have Raising Your Love Signal?
Well, I compared it when we werebrainstorming to figure out how

(07:43):
we call the, the actual program.The, the heart for me was
obviously the image, just the natural image the three bars are
representing for me. If you're, and especially today,
we always have our phones on us.We are always using Wi-Fi
Internet is that nothing's happening if you don't have full
bars. So it's really about how can you

(08:05):
make sure you're raising your love signal to always be in the
top bar. So you're performing well,
you're doing well, you're accomplishing well in your love,
dating and relationships. So that's simply what it is.
It's just how do I make sure that my bars are on all the
time? Because as soon as I lose one or
two, you're falling off the ladder on certain patterns,

(08:31):
behaviors, ways of doing things.So it's as simple as that.
So raise your love signal. I figure it's catchy.
Every single one of us can stay or need need to always do a
check in and make sure that our bars are full.
Yeah. So you said you were single for,
did you say 18 years, Chantel? Yeah.

(08:51):
OK. So what in you had to shift?
What like you did all this personal development, you
started applying it and now you're working with clients.
You've got you got your course that you teach and you've got
your one-on-one clients and you've written your book.
What, what is what are the things that you did yourself and
how you're guiding clients to tomake that change that you can

(09:13):
bring in like you, you met your fiance after you started
applying all your learnings. Well, I, as I said, the number
one thing that I did was start to apply instead of consuming
and learning because we can learn and consume as much as we
want, but if you don't actually apply it.
So rewiring our brains and changing our behaviors and
patterns and belief that for me,I realized that 38 years old, I,

(09:37):
I mean, I was, even though people were telling me, I don't
understand why you're still single.
I realized that I was the commondenominator and I don't like
saying something was wrong with me.
It's just I didn't understand why I kept attracting
unemotional available partners. And when I finally figured out
why, what was the source? And This is why I I important to

(09:58):
understand where is the source coming from?
Because if you don't know it, you do not know what you can do.
So in my case, my father died when I was two years old.
For me, because parents are first love, whether you're
you're prime time, you're your main caregivers, but whether
they were there or not, whether they were good or not, your
parents are your first example of love.

(10:19):
So for me, the 1st man that I love leaves me, abandons me.
So my little subconscious mind that little 2 year old girl
registered that you know what I'm not going to have men come
into my life and leave me. So I will make sure that I'm
always controlling the outcome. Hence why I would actually pick
unavailable partners because I always knew they wouldn't work

(10:42):
out. So it was a way for me to
protect myself. So once I understood that, I
remember I was just like, I wishI would have known this, you
know, 10 years ago. And I had to figure out how do I
start rewiring my brain to change that belief that I've had
since I was so young. And we both know that that's

(11:03):
where the hard work really, really starts.
And it's, it's not easy. So I had to start implementing
daily habits on a small baby step rewire my brain.
And the first one was vulnerability.
Because this is something that Isee with most people that are
looking for love out there is that I I want to be in a
relationship. I want love, but their hearts

(11:23):
are guarded. There's a friggin brick wall
around it. And I was that person wanted
love, but I'm not I'm not givingyou my heart.
So you can't attract necessarilya healthy deep human connection
if your heart is not willing to be open.
So thank God I had my roommate at the time that told me

(11:43):
Chantal, you know, how, how if you can't be vulnerable with
your own friends, how do you expect to be in a relationship
one day? And it was really an aha moment
for me because I was like, she'sabsolutely right.
And I remember Robin, I was like, OK, how am I going to do
this? And I said, OK, I'm going to
start by calling 1 friend, my best friend, very close friend,

(12:04):
to tell her what's going on, when something was going on.
Because I was a type A personality, doing everything
for everybody else. You know, I always I left the
house when I was young, used to fending for myself like it was
just me. It's independence.
Like you. You're rocking it.
Actually, and so for me to actually voice when something
was happening or wrong was just I go in my little corner and

(12:25):
manage everything on my own. Hence that doesn't really apply.
I work in a relationship and forthat matter, not just in
romantic relationship. If we want to experience more in
depth human connection, it's it has to go on the both sides,
learning to receive as much as you're giving.
So I remember calling her and saying, OK, listen, this is what
I'm going to work on. This is what I need from you.

(12:46):
I communicated my needs. I don't want you to judge me,
criticize me, tell me what to do.
I just need you to listen to me.That's awesome, Chantelle.
Even to say that right there is so good.
Really. I mean, I don't think I do.
I don't do that like that. I love that.
That right there is a great skill.
Yes, and that did not this. Is what I need from you, and

(13:07):
then you're going to be vulnerable.
Correct. Do you know how long it took me
to make that call? Four months.
This was with a close friend of mine, like four months.
And I still remember the day I made that first call.
I was wedding, I was nervous andI was like, OK, today's the day.
And I'm like, this is the vulnerability day.

(13:28):
And she was laughing and I'm like, just let me go.
And you know, I just vented and explained what I was.
And then she asked me what do you want from me?
Like what do you need me to do? Do you want me to give you
advice at this point? And I was like, no, I'm good.
I just needed to vent. And I remember hanging up the
phone and I was, well, that feltreally good.

(13:50):
I just needed I that's often what we need.
We just need to vent and talk through our own stuff.
Needed a container of safety andsomebody to hold that releasing
and having somebody receive thatwithout you don't it's not about
her doing anything about it, butalso having a witness.
I mean, all of that is like, wow.
Oh, I mean, that started, you know, happening more often.

(14:13):
Then I moved from a second friend to 1/3 friend and then I
started being able to apply it at work.
When I was struggling at work and I couldn't do something, I
would ask for help. So what that did, by the time
this took me almost eight years,by the time I got into the kind
of relationship that I am today,I was able to receive all the
love that my magnet is like old school provider.

(14:34):
You know, it's always about me, me, me, me, me.
I wouldn't have been able to receive it if I hadn't developed
that muscle. And that's why I say to people
if we're showing up or not in ways typically in a
relationship, you need to learn to identify them, not for your
next relationship. You need to practice that muscle
that you need to rewire, change belief pattern, whatever that is

(14:57):
before you actually go back intoit because these things don't
change overnight. And I think a lot of people
think that changes can happen overnight, Easy to retract to
old ways. You know, I still have days and
this is most 15 years in the making where it's easy for me to
fall back and say something's happening and I'm like, I'm just
going to go cry in my corner alone.

(15:18):
But it's not me anymore. I've created a community and I
have a partner that's always there to support and listen and
to share the, the heaviness of what's happening.
So I just, I catch myself quicker and bring myself back,
but I could, it's easy to go back to old ways.
So that's where a self-awarenessis key because when you're able

(15:39):
to observe yourself, you catch yourself.
And then you, you created your language to no, no, no, Chantal,
I'm back out there. This is not happening again.
So one of the key things that you emphasize in your book is,
and I just really had this. So Kirsten and I, my best friend
Kirsten and I work on our podcast, the podcast together

(16:00):
and we read the books and we andthen we talk like as best
friends and also coworkers and like, what about this chapter?
What about that? She said, what about this?
And we're like, and then we justlike riff and then we figure
out, OK, what about like, that'swhat I got.
What did you get? And like, we really both like
got a lot out of your book, Chantel.
And one of the key lessons is around, you know, which I think
it's just so common is like, what do you want in a

(16:21):
relationship? What do you want in this
partnership? OK, so people are coming to you
and they're like, you're asking that question, what do you want
and what do you need? OK, you're asking the difference
between a want and a need. And so my lesson in this, and
then I want to ask you how you work clients through this

(16:42):
process, because I think it's soimportant.
My around this was like, we needto change the vocabulary and
just our perspective around likeeven using those words, wants
and needs. And you, you already said it,
Chantelle around you had to be, you had to be, you changed in
the way that you were like I'm, I need to be in a place of
receiving because you're really good at like go, go, go give,

(17:04):
give, give like energy full on. Like, you know, and that's like,
that is very, it's very giving, right?
And like, what about being in a more like feminine receiving?
And I just think in as a cultureand as a society, we need to get
back to or in a place of this circular like it's a giving,

(17:27):
receiving. That's what a relationship is.
It's not as what I want and whatI need.
Like, Oh my God. Like it's very like you've said
on your Instagram, like, and I, you know, it's, it's selfish and
like self-serving. Yeah.
And that's why I call relationships a threesome.
It's you, your partner in the relationship.
And the relationship has an entity of its own.

(17:48):
And being in a relationship is not about you.
It's about us. And most people, especially
today in the world we live in, we're always about me, me, I
want, I want, I need, I, I, I, I.
And this is one of the reasons that I, I talk about the wants
and needs, not just from a partner's perspective.
You have to think, what do I want and need in my
relationship? This is where people completely

(18:10):
slack and don't think about because they're always thinking.
They don't know. No, they don't know.
I want this guy to be 5 foot 6 foot two.
I want her to be blonde and skinny.
I want him to be funny. I want her to cook.
I want him to be well traveled. It's like, how do you want to
grow and evolve in your relationship?
Because let me tell you, a lot of these superficial things, and
that's what I describe a little bit in the book is the

(18:32):
difference between wants and needs is it's very superficial.
It's very self absorbs where needs it's important to get
clear because they're deal Breakers.
It's like air, breath, water. You cannot live without it and
when you are out there hunting for your mate and going through
the motions of dating, the more you are fear on what those

(18:54):
things are the like the key fundamentals.
You will show up better when you're dating.
You will weed out the weeds because you're so clear on what
really matters. And I think I gave an example on
this in the book where, you know, I did my list from a
partner's perspective. You said that, you know, what
did I do different? This was another thing that I
did different. I did my list, but not from the

(19:15):
typical list. I really went and dove deeper
into how do I want to grow and evolve in my relationship and
what is going to keep me there in the long run.
One of the things that I had on my list as a want was, and I
actually thought it was a need was someone that dances because
I'm a massive dancer. I love to dance.
I have this fantasy that we would go doing these dance

(19:38):
things together, even under competitions.
Meet my man. The poor guy doesn't even have
like, you know, rhythm. Yeah.
And you asked him straight out, right?
You asked him straight out. You're like, can you dance?
He was like, like with two left feet, Like, no, I don't think
I'm not even right. Like, give me some, give me some
tequila and I'm good. But like like I might be able to

(19:59):
move, right? It's like, Oh my God, what, why?
But then I realized like he was how something that was a
fundamental for me because I gotthe clearer picture was I needed
someone that was very acceptant of my freedom because I'm a
butterfly and especially workingin the industry that I was, I'm
always entertaining and traveling.

(20:21):
And also the demographic I work with were men.
So I couldn't be with someone that was possessive, jealous and
secure. I needed someone that accepted
me and I needed someone that was, you know, respective of my
freedom. And I mean, today he'll still
drive me anywhere I want to go at any given time to go hang out
and dance with my girlfriends. Or as I said in the book, you

(20:43):
know, if we're at a wedding and I say you need to give me a
dance, give me four shots at tequila and I'll give you one
dance. Let's.
Go yeah, yeah. He's like, OK, babe, like I got
you. But just one.
There's a limit. It's funny because my partner
has like strong boundaries like that too.
It's just like, listen, I got I'll do like, it's just really
funny. But it's cute, right?
It's cute and I respect that they have boundaries like that

(21:05):
because yeah, you're you're clear.
And as I said, acceptance is such a biggie.
I'm on a diverse year, but it's acceptance for me was great.
And I you we need to reciprocatewhen we're asking for things as
well, because relationships are two way St.
It's not just about, as I said, me, it's about us and how we're

(21:27):
always going to show up for the relationship, what we're going
to say, what we're going to do, our attitudes, you know, it's
like, is this going to service the relationship?
Yes or no. And when you're able to create
that inner chatter, I mean, listen, I still fall off the
rails all the time because I don't get what I want, how I
want, when I wanted it because Ididn't communicate my needs.
And I catch myself. I'm like, oh, so now I'm able to

(21:51):
wheel myself back in because I've created that inner chatter
and that awareness saying, oh, it's on me.
It's actually not on my partner so.
Right. And so you, when you, when
you're meeting with somebody forthe first time and they're
saying and you're asking them, all right, what do you, what do
you want in a partner? And people are throwing these at

(22:12):
you. OK, I want you give you give an
example in your book around one of OK, I've, I've dog eared so
many of these clients that you've worked with.
But one of your clients, for instance, she wanted somebody
that was highly educated becauseshe came from a family of highly
educated people. And she was like, OK, well, I've
got a master's and I've got thisdegree and that degree and all
my all family's got these degrees from these big

(22:32):
universities And that's important to my partner.
So she was raised in a in like afamily environment, a culture
environment and family that education is the of utmost
importance. And so she was looking for that
and going like, that is an absolute need in my partner has
to be educated and like, you know, post secondary to the NTH
degree. Yes.
And you're like, really, I like that.

(22:53):
You're like, because what is whyis that so important?
Like you could have somebody that is Uber successful, that
has a high school degree and andthey're like rocking it, but
also they're the most incrediblepartner.
Like it's like getting down to what really is going to is that
really a need? Is that really going to fulfill
you in a long term healthy partnership?

(23:14):
Probably not that need for somebody to be highly educated.
Definitely not. And it's because it's the why
behind the want. And that's where I drill down.
Why do you want this? And let's get down to the root
of it, because sometimes we say we want things, but we don't
really know why I would say we want it.
OK, why do you want this? Right.

(23:35):
It's like, why do you want to have a boyfriend?
Well, because every, you know, all my friends, my entourage has
a boyfriend, actually think that's for the right reason.
It's not for the right reason. So I just, I always ask why
three times because you're getting to an extra layer and it
really gets to the root of why they want what they want.

(23:56):
And it makes them realize, I, I guess realize like in this case,
as I, I had told her, I'm like, you know, this is something that
you've been raised in, in your, your, your condition to think.
But what if, like if you get thecatch of the day that has
everything, but the guy does nothave a PhD or like, will you
really let that roll out becauseof something that you were told

(24:19):
and you were raised with? And it's, it's something that
will actually make probably makeyour parents happy, not
necessarily what you want or, you know, it's just the belief
that you were told. And it was like, oh, didn't
think of it that way. So I just like to take people
further down to the root of why they want what they want and be
able to explain it. And I think that's where most,

(24:41):
most, most of, let's say everybody doesn't really take
the time to do that. It's kind of like the question I
asked at the beginning of the book of what's your relationship
with love? And what do you want your
relationship with love to be? Because when I, this is how I
started all my research and to write to, to write the book
because I was like, I can't really figure it out on my own.

(25:02):
And I spent the last 20 years studying this stuff and
fascinated with this stuff. So I can't imagine what the
average person out there is thinking about it.
And it's important to understandthe difference between the two
because then again, when you're doing your selection and you're
out there dating, the clearer you are, the more you will weed

(25:24):
out the weeds and you will focuson what really matters and not
get blindsided by the lust, the great sex.
You know, I really, really like this guy and the image that I
have of this person because you'll be so clear on what
really matters to you and you'llslow down how you're dating.

(25:45):
There's so many other things that you can actually develop
because you're just, you're, you're paying attention to the
bigger picture instead of what'shappening right now.
And when people are starting to date and they really like
someone, they get trapped into the, everything has to happen so
quickly. Oh my God, I want this person.
I just want to friggin nail downthe coffin.
You know, it's like, I just wantto.
Wrap up a deal. You're painting this, you're

(26:06):
you're painting this person withthe brush of it's just like, OK,
this fits. This fits and you're actually
not really staying like completely open to getting to
know somebody like that that wasa stranger like a week ago or a
month ago or two months ago or six months, like really, because
you don't really know until. You really don't.

(26:29):
So something that like just as we're talking, Chantelle, like I
like I know before I met my boyfriend Hector.
Now I was clear on what I what Iwanted.
You know, I was online dating. So you know, I and I was a
matchmaker and dating coach before I was in in doing real
love ready. I don't know if you knew that,
No. I.
Didn't so I helped people write online profiles and like I so

(26:52):
I've been doing this for a long time and so I'm like, I'm taking
my own advice on all that stuff.But really I was intentional,
very intentional on what I wanted this hopefully my very
last partnership in this lifetime to look like right.
And it was like I wanted somebody with, it's so important
to me that my partner have a growth mindset and somebody that

(27:14):
wants to better themselves. And like it's about
self-awareness and looking inside constantly, continually
and to be like, you know, like Iwant to be better.
I can be better. And I think we all can do that,
but it takes awareness and a want.
A want I. Wanted somebody, but I think you
like, if you're looking for something in a partner like,

(27:35):
then you better be that yourself, right?
Yeah, I mean, that's what you'reteaching too.
I think that that is so important.
It's like, I want this in a partner.
Well, are you that like, I wanted joy, I wanted somebody
that was so family oriented and like relationships are so
important to him because they are to me.
Like and yeah, having somebody that wants to have fun and just,

(27:55):
yeah, just those things that I am already that I want that
amplified with my partnership. 100% because you're a
reflection, right? They always say relationship are
your mirrors. So it's, it's like, let's make
sure that you're showing up the way you want your partner to
show up because again, I keep saying the relationship is a
threesome, but as you grow and evolve together, you're always

(28:17):
going to have to reciprocate what you're asking.
So I loved, you know, that was one of my things on my list too,
is having a partner that was open.
They don't need to be at the same level of, for example, in
self development that I am because I'm like, oh, I like
over consume at least someone that was open to always hearing,
you know, open to doing things differently and doing things

(28:40):
their pace, because that's the other thing.
It's not because you're in one pace that you have to expect
your partner. So having someone that's open
and the. Flexibility, the openness,
correct, That's even that even gets that opens it up even more,
right. You're not like I think the less
specific you can be about this particular like pick about
particular characteristics of a person, right?

(29:00):
Like it's like get like you said, getting down to the why,
why, why, why. So OK, before we move on, I just
wanted to give an example of Amber right in the story, page
25. You talk about how she was very
clear, right? She wanted a world traveler,
charming, driven. He wanted kids, financially
successful. And so, you know, she exists.

(29:21):
She did attract this guy. She married him.
Turns out he was like a disaster.
It was a bad relationship because he wasn't around.
He was cheating on her. He was like, OK, you, you've got
what you wanted, which is all these superficial things, right?
OK, financially stable. He's like very charismatic, all
these. You think that that's what's
important in a relationship. No, it's not right.

(29:44):
So this is what you're you're helping people do is get down to
what are the most important. And it's so much about
reflection, solve introspection.It sure is.
And that's why, you know, I've come to understand this year
through the journey of like really just focusing on this.
It's it's down to one thing because the book literally is

(30:04):
like the best of everything I'velearned over the last 20 years
that I applied. So they're all like little
Timbits I like to call, you know, they're just like it's
everything to help you develop yourself awareness, that toolbox
and the relationship. The key for us to have
successful relationship is the self-awareness component.
The more you understand why you are the way you are, why you

(30:25):
want what you want, why you get emotional, why you get
triggered, why, why, why, why you can actually explain
everything that's happening. You will show up so differently
in relationship because you're able to explain your why.
You're able to observe yourself and say, Oh, I just, I just was
about to lose my shit on my partner because it triggered me

(30:47):
and I know why it triggered me. It's not because of what he
said. It's just reminding me of how
I'm just saying anything. I got bullied with all the men
that I used to go out with and they would like physically,
verbally abuse me. So I'm afraid to voice my voice,
for example. So it's not reiterate it enough.
If there's one thing people do, get to know who you are and

(31:10):
build the toolbox before you go into relationship because people
always wait till hell breaks loose.
They fall down the the hole to go get help, ask for help and
oftentimes it's too late, especially when you're already
in relationship. If you're on your own, I, you
know, look at the kind of communication because I was not

(31:31):
a great communicator all my life.
Robin. This is something that I've
developed with time with myself awareness.
The more you know why you are, the more you can also be very
sure of what you're saying because I know my why behind my
want. You're not going to gaslight me.
You're not going to be somethingthat's going to convince me
otherwise because I'm very clear.
I know, I know, there's no doubtin my mind.

(31:54):
So that gives you a lot of more self respect.
It gives you a lot more self self worth, obviously, but a lot
more of certainty and confidence.
So much confidence. And it's like an example, couple
months ago when we were in our European trip, I, we were
traveling and we were on our wayto lunch.
So we, it's a long drive, like in this sinuous road.

(32:16):
And I had just, we were staying with a bunch of people in the
house. I kind of had a falling out with
one of the women there. And I was really distraught by
what happened. So I was in my own little world
and my fiance is asking me, are you mad at me?
And I'm like, no, I'm not mad atyou.
I'm just in my own head and 10 minutes later he's asking me the
same thing. And I was I turned to him and I
said, I don't understand. Like what's going on?

(32:38):
I told you that has nothing to do with you.
I'm just trying to process something in my head.
Why are you, why is this, you know, such a struggle for you
said because he came from a family of Alcoholics and his
father would you know, when he would be in his worst state.
He never knew when he'd come back from school, what to

(33:00):
expect. Was he going to scream?
Was he going to beat him up? Was he?
So he goes, This tension is justreminding me of how it was when
I would show up after school at home and I never knew what to
expect. I tell you the difference of the
conversation that we had versus why did you in there?
Why, where we could have like started bickering at each other

(33:20):
for me, because he communicated what was going on and he was so
self aware. It was very easy to say, hey,
thanks for sharing. Thank you for sharing.
I'm going to change my mood now because I can actually, it's
easy for me to change that. And I put some music on.
I just started humming and I waslike, you know, thank you for
sharing that with me. But that's those are things that

(33:41):
I say that the power of self-awareness is you're just
able to communicate better. You're able to set your
boundaries and not be afraid to actually say this is my yes,
this is, is my no, because this is my why.
So I would say at 49 years old, I'm going to be 50 in January.
I have been in that power now for a year and it's a damn great

(34:05):
place to be and not a lot of people are there.
But I would say when you step into that power, and it's not
just in my relationship, it's with everyone around me, how I
show up for my clients, how I show up for my friends, my
family. Because of that self-awareness
piece, I'm able to talk through things.
I'm able to catch myself. I'm able to calm myself down and

(34:29):
self soothe. I'm able to recognize if, you
know, I was an anxious attachment style.
So it's still surfaces. Sometimes I'm just able to wheel
myself. These things, these things don't
go away, and that's one of the lessons that I've learned over
these years. It's like our triggers, our
pain, our hurts, like so much ofit is scars and scars don't go
away, but it's like the awareness of that and then

(34:51):
you're acting differently because of that awareness.
Right, 100%. OK, so you've got ABCS of
dating. This is I love this you have.
If you remember only one rule about dating, make it this date
to be known not to be liked. That was good, Chantal.
It really is though, like, because I mean, and I and I did

(35:14):
change my, my, the way I was dating, you know, I, I was just
like, yes, I, we all want to be liked.
That's just like human nature. We want to be accepted.
We like, you know, it's like this mental.
Of course, that's just the way we are, right?
We want to connect with people, but that can't be your driving
force. It's like, especially when
you're looking for a partner that you, that you know, it's

(35:35):
like more important to be yourself in your fullness and
everything that you are. And and hopefully like, let's
see if is this guy person is going, are they going to be a
match or are they going to be somebody that I really want to
get to know more like showing updifferently rather than I hope
they like me. And I, you know, when people are
out there dating, they go out into it with always wanting to

(35:57):
check it off the box versus going into it and having fun and
being present to the moment. I mean, I was that girl every
single time. It's like, could he be the one?
Is he the one? Is he the one?
So then you're mentally like thepressure and you haven't even
met the guy yet, and you're like, Oh my God, it's like, you
know, so you checked. On Google, you've done, you've
checked, you've got a little bitof research.
You're like, oh, maybe yeah, right.

(36:19):
So you create these scenarios inyour head, you just do.
It's like we create these scenarios in our head and we
haven't even met the person yet.And I would say, you know, that
was one thing that I changed andhow I'd show.
That's why I can't became more selective on how I would go on a
date as well is that I'm going to make sure I do something and
I have a great conversation thatI had decided those are the two

(36:41):
other things I did. I wanted to make sure if I was
going to go out dating, I wantedto be with someone that could
hold a good conversation That's I was important to me.
I love great intentional conversation and then three was
being myself because here's something that I didn't know and
I realized that 44 years old 44.It was the first time ever I

(37:03):
would show up being my true selfin every area, shape or form.
I was not going to add in like something to please or yes or
no. It was just like, this is who I
am and the end, that's that end.You know, now that I, I look
back, I've been in my relationship for six years and
every single time something comes up or I have my quirk or

(37:25):
my craziness and I'm like, is hegoing to freak out or never?
Never. He knows and he accepts it and
it's the most beautiful thing. He loves that about you, those
things that made to you. Yeah.
And that's what you want to be with a partner that accepts all
of you. I know.
But but you know that I think this is, I mean, you know, you

(37:45):
do talk about this in the book around the fact that you did
have relationships. And I know I have, where it's
like you, you, you were not accepted for all of who you
were. And you were like, oh, you're or
either you're too loud or obnoxious or keep it down or
you're being too emotional or you're not looking at it right
or you're. So you're being dismissed.
You're being quieted in a way like pushed down, right, yes.

(38:09):
And then you're. So then you're not able to be
yourself. Oh, yeah.
So I always say to people, why would you want to be with
someone that you don't feel it can be yourself with?
That's a lot of work to pretend to be someone that you're not.
And walking on egg shells again,it's not having an open heart.
It's not feeling safe. It's not feeling protected.
So that's not what true death, human connection is all about.

(38:33):
True authentic feeling action isfeeling safe.
It's feeling at peace. It's when you're somebody's got
your back and you're you're willalways be supported whenever, no
matter how you show up, I guess they accept.
You, it makes me it makes me think of vision telling.
I don't know if you wrote this in the book, but it does make me
think of this. It's like if I can be with my
partner the way I am with my best friends who know me and

(38:56):
love me unconditionally, like just like I do them.
That's gold, you know, And I do feel that way in my partnership,
thank God, because like he can call me out, just my friends do.
I'm like, oh totally. I was totally like, I was
totally being fucking crazy there.
And that's good. I'm glad you saw that.
And I can laugh at myself too. It's the beauty, right, Laughing
at it. And I love when somebody can
catch us. And you have that reaction

(39:17):
because you don't take things personally.
You just you recognize it. And it's like we have this thing
because I'm a bit of a control freak.
Again, the Type A personality doesn't give away.
I am too now the same, same, same.
And we have this, this name in French that's called Jacques
Men. And when you separate the two,
it's it's Jacques al Jar E Almen.
And in English, it's like she leads and she she manages.

(39:41):
So we decided to use that word as a safe word in our
relationship. Whenever I start trying to
manage and control and tell him what to do, he's always looking
at me and saying German is coming out.
And I just start laughing. And I know that for me, that's
like, like, leave him alone. Yeah.
He's. He's calling it out and then
you're actually, I like that. I've got to get a safe word

(40:02):
going on. But you do, you do talk, you do
talk about this in the book about around harnessing your
feminine energy and how that really, because I think in this
day and age, I mean, I, I'm surrounded by strong,
intelligent, beautiful, wise, independent women.
And you know, and then how do you step into like be feminine,

(40:27):
gentle receiving where I want tobe taken care of in my
relationship. I can rock the boss had, you
know, in in work and like mothering my kids, like give my
let's go, let's put you on time.Like, you know, managing your
household. If you're divorced and you know,
there a lot of it doesn't matterif you're divorced or not.
But like we do a lot as women, we're wearing many, many, many
hats percent and it's feminine. There are a lot of it's
masculine, like boss energy. And then in relationship, I

(40:51):
think you want to be you want tobe softer.
I want to be taken care of in myrelationship just like I take
care of my partner. 100% and I that's.
A different energy. Such a different energy and it's
something I learned the hard waybecause I, I, I, I look back on
any possibility of potential partners.
I, I dated and because of my attitude, I, I see it now when I

(41:14):
look back that I was like, Oh myGod, I never, it would have
never worked out. And again, This is why the work
is important before you go into relationship because I had
worked, for example, as I said at the beginning on
vulnerability, man is an old school man provider and he feels
validated when he's able to knowhe's taking care of me and has

(41:36):
nothing to do with financial means, but he needs to know that
he's servicing a purpose. And I think a lot of men are
like that. And especially with the world
that we live in, with the, you know, the dynamics of masculine
feminine being unbalanced because we've evolved so much in
this world. You know, now women are are
playing the role of men in many ways.

(41:57):
You still don't change the DNA of a man and the DNA of the
woman that are like truly who weare were imprinted men are
providers, protectors, procreators.
You know, they women are, are nurturers.
We community builders. It's it's it's exactly.
So we need to honor that in our relationship for it to be

(42:18):
balanced and healthy. And that's something I learned
do really well. And I have to say it, it took a
lot that the new muscle to develop, but it's a really nice
place to be like, especially this year because I, I, I
started my own business. My he decided that he would, you
know, wear the reins and like support me.

(42:38):
That was massive for me to have to fend for myself all my life
and let someone do that for me, not because we had to, because
he wanted to. And I remember, yes, when we
moved in together and I was like, OK, who's going to take
care of this? Who's going to pay this?
Who's going to pay that? And he just looked at me.
He's like, no, I got you. And I was like, it's not going
to happen. And I'm saying it because I know

(43:00):
a lot of women will hear this, recognize themselves into it.
And he took me by my shoulders with his Big Blue eyes and said,
Chantal, do not take away something from me that I can do
and that I want to do. And that's when the bell rang
for me. I said, this is it.
This is what you've been workingso hard for.
This is what you wanted to receive.
Here it is I. Just got shivers all the way

(43:21):
down my spine. It's like receive, receive
you've works, this is what you wanted and I take it back to
that and. You can imagine what you give
him. So it's just like we're thinking
this financial that you're talking about a financial
supporting, but you are supporting him in so many big,
big ways that you can't put any money on or tangible like so

(43:43):
it's like it's so reciprocal. It is so again, for women out
there about the feminine, it's like open your hearts and that's
it's really cultivating opening your heart.
The more I realize like feminineenergy for me is being in your
heart space and letting it be open and letting it be
vulnerable and letting it receive and letting it be a

(44:06):
little bit softer, but or that Irealized that you often need to
feel safe and I mean we've. That's their.
Number one, yes. So if you find and and and
choose your partner wisely, safety is a need is a need that
is a fundamental for me. And I have to admit that was not

(44:29):
necessarily the way I wrote it on my list because I had never
experienced safety. This is something completely new
for me. That's like that's why my
definition of love, if you wouldhave asked me five years ago
versus what it is today, it's completely different and safety
and pieces. Definitely the two main things.
It's not lust and excitement andall these things that you know,

(44:51):
because we've been so ROM com and disified about love.
We're in love with the idea of being in love, and that's not
enough to sustain a real true relationship.
That's going to go through the trials of tribulations of life
and kids and money and things that come into the thing.
I just my last relationship, it was not safe.

(45:13):
Whereas and and so that is absolutely the top of what I
need is safety. I need to feel like that is just
like, but nobody's talking aboutlike you said, like, but how
important that is. Holy, I wanted to pull up.
There's this. So there's a whole section in
the book. Like you said, it's right.
OK, we could attract the, the partner, but then how about the

(45:34):
important things to keep a relationship, You know, how like
to and also do not just keep, it's just like have a nurturing,
healthy, supportive, loving relationship.
And I, I really value what you wrote in here, Chantelle, and
how important these things are. And you think, oh, these are

(45:55):
simple, but actually I think there's a lot of many, many
relationships that don't have these fundamental pillars.
That. You're talking about right?
Like hello #1 willingness, I'm going to go through them because
we don't have enough time to go,but I want everybody, everybody
to pick up this book because it's just so full of really, I
mean, incredible skills and important.
I just think really, really important information for all of

(46:18):
us #1 willingness, right? What does that look like?
Willing just in briefly. What is for me is that when
you're whether you're in an argument, whether you're
struggling like, you know, you sometimes as we've been together
in a long term relationship where you're going this way,
this, this way, it's like, how do we bring it back?
It's whenever you're having a conversation, an argument,

(46:40):
something you don't agree on, whatever it is, there's a
willingness to actually find thesolution and there's a willing
to grow together. There's a willing, I get it.
You want to work on it. Yes.
So the willingness, the willingness to invest, the
willingness to show up, the willingness to do everything.
When I when I met Jeff, I told him I don't want to experience a
relationship like the average person out there.
I do not want to do that. Are you willing to hold each

(47:02):
other to high standards in our relationship going forward?
Do you have that willingness? He was like, wow, yeah, because
he went through a divorce and stuff.
And I said, because it's a lot of work to hold on to a
relationship. It's like investment, right?
So do you have the willingness to do that?
And I think for me, when it withthe openness where you, when you

(47:24):
have someone that has the willingness to invest, you never
have to worry about what's goingon.
Like I hear so many couples or you know, that have been
together for a long time, they've just grown apart because
of the kids and the husband or the wife doesn't have the
willingness to want to change, go to therapy, go do anything to
improve on their relationship. So you're screwed when somebody.

(47:46):
You're at a stalemate, you're ata standstill.
You're there's no moving forwardif one person or both are not
willing. It's so key, right?
Respect. OK, you think?
Oh yeah, like obviously, but butthere's a lot of disrespect in
many, many relationships. So much disrespect, OK?
But that getting back to the basics.

(48:07):
But are this is like the core fundamentals of how you treat
another human being lovingly, right?
With love #3 acceptance. It's about.
That lack of acceptance is one of the reasons relationships
fail. We try to change our partners
instead. Learn to accept your partner's
behaviors and patterns from the beginning and don't try to

(48:29):
change them. I mean, come on, there's a lot
of that going on or wanting to. I'll give you another example.
Yeah, that's like, you know, what we get in relationship, I
call it the 8020 rule where we have 80% of what we want or need
and then there's always a little20% that's like, you got 80%.
What happens when we're going into relationship, We're like, I

(48:51):
got 80, I got 80. As we grow and evolve together,
we start shifting to the 20 and just she's not doing this.
She's not doing that. Yeah, forget the 80% that you're
like, I, I remember I, I caught myself when we were doing that
because we were doing date nights and I exciting dates.
I'm like an extrovert. I like doing different things.

(49:11):
His idea of a date is dinner outat a restaurant.
So three months in, I'm like, seriously, really like you,
can't you think of anything else?
And I started having attitude when we were having dinner and
it was like, what's wrong? And I'm like nothing, nothing.
Of course, we always no, it's all good, good, good.
Finally he pulls it out of me atthe end of the night.
He's disappointed because he disappointed me.

(49:32):
So it ends up being a shit date and I caught myself coming home.
I was like, you're asking him tobe someone he's not.
He's never been the guy since the beginning that you met him
that organizes exciting dates like but he does this.
He, he would pick me up at the airport when I used to travel
all the time, any given time, night, day, middle of the night,
I'll pick you up, I'll drive youanytime.

(49:54):
So we forget what's there. So focus on that 80%.
Remember the 20% is 20%. Always take yourself back to the
80%. So that's acceptance.
I really, I really like that thoughtfulness.
This is this to me is somewhere something that I mean, it's so
important. It's the little things day in,

(50:17):
day out, over and over and over,right?
Just reminding your partner how special they are to you and
being thoughtful and hopefully that you know you'll get that
back in return, right? So simple and yeah, cultivates a
lot of that safety and good feeling around the heart.
And tenderness. I like that this was on your

(50:39):
list of the one of the pillars. Yeah.
I think that's I think it's justbeautiful.
So Chantelle, I love your book. Just tell us how it's been like
since you since you launched it and the feedback you're getting
and how you're helping people. Like what would have been some
of the success stories. I want to hear one or two before
we go. I think the the most that I

(51:01):
those are very repetitive stories is that the book is a
guide. I didn't want to create a brick
because when we start reading books, sometimes we lose
interest and we put it aside andwe get overwhelmed.
Especially today, we have such ashort, short attention span.
So that's why the no matter where you are in your journey to
love, whether you're already in a relationship or you're looking

(51:21):
for love or you're struggling with who you are, you get
Timbits, as I love to call them,across the board.
You can literally pick up the book whether you're waiting at
the dentist or, you know, at your girlfriend's house and read
and I'm sure you can testify to that 2 pages and you can get
something from it. So it's, it's for me, it's

(51:43):
almost like the four languages of love or the four agreements.
They're little night table booksthat you can always go back to
because as I said, we can learn,but we forget.
So these are just really great reminders.
And I would say that they're eyeopeners on helping people really
figure out you. You set the word earlier.

(52:03):
It's not self-awareness, but self introspection and not
feeling overwhelmed through the exercises because they're just
good questions for you to say. Oh, I actually never thought
about it. You know, the whole love thing,
people. I'm like, oh, I actually not, I
have never thought about what love is and what do I want love
to be? And what does that mean exactly?
Right. So you need to figure that shit

(52:26):
out if you really want to be in a nice healthy relationship.
What does that mean? What, what, what has it been for
you? And do you have the right image
of it for it going forward? Because you will call in what
you've seen and if it hasn't been healthy, you're not going
to call in healthy. So I would say that it's, it's,
it's an easy light read that youdon't get overwhelmed.

(52:48):
That's what I I've gotten most out of everybody.
It's just you. You get, you don't feel
overwhelmed, but you learn so much.
I I agree, there was 2 quotes that I wrote down from the book
that I thought were just really poignant and important.
Your definition of a relationship?
What is a relationship? A relationship is 2 people

(53:11):
coming together to take care of one another's needs, wants, and
desires To have a willingness toserve each other on the same
scale. I thought that was just
beautiful. And I think we can get too
wrapped up in going, Oh well, mypartner has to meet all my
needs, wants and desires. That's not what you're saying.
You're saying that when you are in an intimate relationship, you

(53:34):
know you're wanting to do that for your partner.
Like I want to serve, you know, this person that I love very
much and and I know he's doing the same in return.
So and the other thing that I thought you, you already
mentioned this before when you were, you know, even with your
communication with Jeff around you, both hold each other and
the relationship to the highest standards.

(53:56):
Like I don't want just to hum him whole relationship either.
Like I want this to be the best it can be.
And we can do that. We have the capacity like with
work and intention, we can have a beautiful like high, high, the
highest standard. Yes, I want that big love.
We can all have it, but it takesthe all the things we were

(54:16):
talking about the last hour, right exactly.
I mean, I think about it, it's that agreement.
Yeah, it's that agreement. It's a high.
Standard here, we're not just going to go back to our old
patterns and treat each other like garbage and be
disrespectful and passive aggressive and the stuff that
right. I mean, I know I've done it.
Like I've, I've been there and it's just like, I don't want to
be that anymore. I want to be a a really a

(54:38):
partner, a safe place to to landand like I want to be a really
good partner. Yes.
So it starts some with you, right?
And yeah, when you hold each other to high standards, you're
able to because you made that agreement.
It's an agreement that you make together.
It's not a compromise, it's an agreement.
It's an agreement. That you both agreed.
So it's almost like a contract that you sign and we agree to

(55:00):
this and this is what we're going to hold each other to.
Oh that is so good. Yeah, because most people are
always thinking, you know, oh, we have to compromise in
relationship with a yeah, of course you need to compromise,
but agree on what the compromiseit and then agree to it and hold
each other to that agreement. It's an agreement it's a
contract that you have together and you don't think about it.

(55:20):
Anyone that would become wanted to become great at anything that
you do you're successful in yourbusiness you you want to have
the best shape of your life you.We always go get the help, we
hire the coach, we go see the therapist, we go see the doctor
for our health. We go we, you know, why are we
doing this? For relationships to prepare

(55:41):
yourselves. Why not?
Like I really want people to start thinking this like I am
single, I'm made. I might not even be looking for
love, but you know what? I'm going to learn this stuff.
Because here's the thing, if youwant this, like I've
experienced, the one thing that I did really right was to
communicate it all from the beginning.

(56:01):
And like, say things from the beginning and hold these new
habits, these fundamentals, start putting it into place at
the beginning because that creates the foundation.
So when you have those habits that are like there from the
beginning, it's not too late. It's not too late later in life
where you're just like, no, you set that great foundation.

(56:22):
So you're set for success. You'll have the willingness,
you'll be open, you'll be tender, you'll be thoughtful.
And not to say that we all fall off the rails sometimes, right?
And it happens and I catch myself and it's like, hey,
honey, UK, it's been like 2 weeks.
We haven't done our little connection time or, you know,
it's, it's just we have to, we have to.

(56:44):
You're holding, you're holding your, your relationship to the
highest standard. I think it's just awesome.
Yeah. Well, Chantelle, I, I love you
and I'm so grateful that you came today.
We had this, we had this chat and I loved learning from you
all week. It's just, it's been a joy.
So thank you. Thank you so much fun.
So I'm going to I'm close with our with a blessing, and it's

(57:04):
based on your, your words and your and our learnings from
Chantal this week. May we in our dating experiences
and in light be open to trying something new, exploring,
changing and thinking differently.
May we refocus our perspective from what we want and need in
life to a more service oriented approach to what we can give and

(57:28):
receive in relationship to one another.
May we know that we are not alone in life and love.
Help is always available on our journey.
And really, may we access resources like Raise Your Love
Signal that can teach new skillsto attract the right partner and
create fun, joyful, healthy relationships with both yourself

(57:51):
and with your partner. So thank you, Chantelle
Landrieville, for all of the work you're doing in this world.
Thank you. Thank you for having your
platform. That's unbelievable.
So grateful to you. Thank you so much for being here
with us. Let's Talk Love is brought to
you by Real Love Ready and hosted by Robin Ducharme.

(58:14):
If you'd like to keep learning with us, visit realloveready.com
for more resources and tools to boost your relational skills and
get better at love. If this podcast has resonated
with you, it would mean the world to us if you could take
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(58:35):
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(58:56):
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(59:17):
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Many blessings and much love.

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Chantal Landreville - Self-Awareness In Relationships

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Chantal Landreville - Self-Awareness In Relationships