You had a baby… and suddenly everything in your relationship feels harder. Here’s what’s really going on.
In this episode of Let’s Thrive Postpartum, therapist and founder of Balance With Brittany, Brittany Wilson, LPC, joins Kelly Siebold to unpack the five most common (and least talked about) relationship struggles after baby—and how to navigate them without losing yourself or your connection.
Whether you're quietly building resentment, fighting about sleep, or feeling like intimacy has disappeared, this episode offers real validation and practical tools you can use right now.
You’ll hear:
- The root cause behind most partner resentment (and how to fix it)
- How to communicate when everything feels fragile
- What to do when intimacy feels out of reach
- Why your roles feel so unbalanced and how to reset
- How to talk about money without it turning into a fight
If things feel heavier in your relationship since baby arrived, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. This episode will help you feel seen and supported, with gentle strategies to reconnect as a team.
Bonus: Share this one with your partner—Brittany offers tips that resonate with both parents.
Learn more about Brittany Wilson at balancewithbrittany.com
Support is just one click away - check out these additional resources designed to support your postpartum mental health:
- Download our free Postpartum Mental Health Plan https://wethrivepostpartum.com/postpartum-plan/
- Learn more about Thrive Postpartum’s virtual support for pregnant and postpartum moms, including virtual support groups, education, expert-led events, and a supportive community of moms who understand your journey https://wethrivepostpartum.com/join
- Email us with a question or postpartum topic you want us to discuss at podcast@wethrivepostpartum.com
- Hit subscribe to never miss an episode.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
Welcome to Let's ThrivePostpartum, where we tackle
postpartum depression andanxiety.
Head on, guiding you back toyourself.
Join Kelly Seabold, founder ofThrive Postpartum and Ashley
Moore, a maternal mental healththerapist.
Through honesty and laughter, weshare expert advice and real
stories.
(00:25):
While not therapy or medicaladvice, you'll find education,
support and hope.
Welcome to the village.
Let's thrive postpartum.
Kelly (00:38):
Hi, and welcome back to Let's Thrive Postpartum.
This is Kelly, and I cannot waitfor you to hear this
conversation today.
We are talking to BrittanyWilson.
Hi.
About the five biggestrelationship challenges that
come up after baby and how totackle them.
And if you've gone through thisseason of life or you're in this
season of life, things in yourrelationship may not feel like
(01:02):
they did before baby.
And it's a very common, and alsofor some people like me, it's
very unexpected.
And so I can't wait to dive into what's happening.
Why and ways to support that.
So before I do, I can't wait tointroduce you to Brittany.
So Brittany Wilson is a licensedprofessional counselor, a
nationally board certifiedtherapist, and the founder of
(01:25):
Balance this LLC, which is amental health practice
supporting parents through thecomplex emotional landscape of
early parenthood.
After her own postpartumexperience revealed the deep
gaps in maternal mental healthcare.
Girl.
I've been there, scarceproviders, long waits,
fragmented support.
She shifted her focus tobuilding something better.
(01:46):
So today, Brittany offers carefor moms.
Dads and couples navigating theidentity shifts and relationship
challenges that often follow thebirth of a child.
She also partners withhealthcare organizations to
design and scale compassionateeffective care systems for
parents.
So outside of the therapy room,you'll likely find her on the
golf course practicing the sheencourages her clients to
(02:09):
prioritize.
Brittany, thank you for beinghere with us today.
Brittany Wilson (02:14):
Yeah.
Kelly (02:14):
you so
Brittany Wilson (02:15):
much for having me.
Kelly (02:16):
much for having me.
Of course.
So before we jump in, you know,your bio and your experience,
you talked that you've workedwith so many couples in Early
Parenthood.
Why do you think this phase oflife feels like such a pressure
cooker for new parents?
Brittany Wilson (02:34):
I think it feels like a, a pressure cooker
because it's such a feeling, awhiplash.
Everything that you knew andfelt and, and thought before
baby can look so different thanwhat you were expecting.
So once you're in a situationthat you weren't expecting.
(02:54):
Where'd the playbook go?
Everything just kind of gotthrown out the window, and then
you're in the thick of it andthere's lots of things coming at
you that look new and different,and you're trying to figure that
out in the moment.
Um, also when you're not runningoff of a full tank.
Kelly (03:11):
Yes.
So what have you been seeingworking through your practice
and supporting parents?
What are those five biggestchallenges that you really see?
And why do you see them come upso often?
Brittany Wilson (03:23):
The five biggest challenges I see
Kelly (03:25):
I.
Brittany Wilson (03:26):
around.
Sleep.
The shifting roles andresponsibilities within the
relationship see a big breakdownin communication.
I also see lots of discomfort, Ithink, in how different intimacy
looks for the couple.
And of course, there's then thefinancial strain of adding
(03:47):
another human to your household.
Kelly (03:49):
Yes, and I feel like thinking through those, that all
of those seem very common,whether you have all five or one
and two.
So Brittany, if you're okay withit.
How about we just dive into eachone of these individually?
I'd love to talk about what thatactually looks like in practice
as well as what we can do.
So let's start with somethingthat Ashley and I over this
(04:11):
podcast have talked numeroustimes about, but sleep
deprivation.
And I like to think of it as,you know, all the research I
did, you're not sleeping.
We all know you don't sleepafter baby, but the un.
Still says less than four hoursof sleep per day is a war crime
if you're doing it in aninternational setting.
But for parents, we expect thatto be the norm.
(04:34):
And so you can't function as ahuman without sleep What does
that lack of sleep mean to thecouple dynamic and what can they
do to really support themselves?
Brittany Wilson (04:47):
This is a big one.
So big sleep deprivation trulyis probably the most significant
stressor that couples face afterbringing baby home.
So sleep deprivation issomething that chips away at
almost every aspect of our life.
It chips away at our patients,our empathy, and then our
(05:09):
ability to have a capacity tomaintain the connection with our
partner.
So it can make everything feelmore intense.
It makes minor irritationssomething that can turn into a
really major conflict when, youknow, in the past or normally
it, it wouldn't have felt solarge.
So when both partners arerunning on empty which is
(05:32):
common, it's really to thenmisread one another's cues.
And so then we default to blame.
There are some ways to kind ofcombat that or at least deal
with it.
When it comes up, it's going tocome up.
It's just a matter of when.
Kelly (05:49):
So the first thing you wanna do is try.
Brittany Wilson (05:51):
recognize that the exhaustion is the enemy, not
each other.
Kelly (05:56):
That is great advice that in the moment I feel like I may
have missed on my end to betransparent, but to name it and
say, that is the enemy.
It's not you.
Brittany Wilson (06:05):
Yeah.
Kelly (06:06):
that.
Brittany Wilson (06:07):
So to, to try to combat it.
O once you make thatrealization, it may take you a
little bit and that's okay.
It's new and different, butyou're gonna look for micro
moments.
And the reason I say micromoments is because.
The, the moments are sofleeting, especially in those
first few months.
So small opportunities where youcan trade off a quick nap.
(06:31):
you know, a five to 20 minutenap might have sounded before
bringing a baby home, but afterthat is gold.
So offering that to each otherso that both of you are able to
get some kind of restfulness.
Really saying thank you is sucha big deal in this time when
(06:52):
you're both tapped out, thatrecognition means the world.
Another thing you can do that isreally powerful is just pause
and look at your partner andsay, what do you need right now?
Kelly (07:06):
That's a great question.
Brittany Wilson (07:08):
Yeah.
We might not know, and that'sokay too.
Say that, say, I'm not sure sothat, that the two of you can
maybe look at it and tackle ittogether.
But we don't wanna assume, don'tassume that they do need sleep.
They, they might not be in aplace where they feel like
that's achievable in thatmoment.
But maybe they need to walkoutside and take a breath.
Maybe they just need to sit downand do something that doesn't
(07:32):
feel like caretaking or or taskoriented.
That counts too.
So those really smallintentional acts are, are what
keep your relationship tethered,even through the fog.
Kelly (07:44):
I love that.
Again, asking where they aresupporting and the thank you.
Those little moments really domake a difference.
Brittany Wilson (07:51):
Yeah.
Kelly (07:52):
So let's go to number two and talk about, you mentioned,
you know, that shifting rolesand responsibilities, that even
if you have a well laid planprior to bringing baby into the
picture, that can really catchpeople off guard.
What patterns or tensions do youreally see when it comes to
expectations and resentment andthe roles that we all have?
Brittany Wilson (08:19):
Resentment is the biggest and most common
feature that comes out in thistime.
And the reason for that, Ithink, is because it, it usually
builds in this gap.
And the gap that exists now thateither did or didn't exist
before is between unspokenexpectations and unmet needs.
(08:45):
So what I often see happeningthere is couples falling into
their default roles or newperceived defaults, such as who
is staying home, like who's onleave who earns more.
That one comes up frequently,who seems to maybe be better at
certain tasks, but that doesn'talways mean that it makes sense
(09:09):
anymore.
So making the assumptions iswhere we get ourselves in
trouble, but if we can openlydiscuss what our expectations
are and what needs we have, wecan start to close that gap and
shrink those feelings ofresentment.
Kelly (09:27):
So, let me say this.
Let me ask this, I guess.
So if you're a mom listening.
And you feel like you have unmetneeds or that gap exists.
What I'm hearing you say is thatmom should have clear
communication about what theseexpectations are and talk it
through with your partner.
Yeah.
Brittany Wilson (09:46):
And that, that can take practice too though,
especially if you know beforebaby things felt like they
flowed well and were prettysimple.
You didn't have a lot ofdisagreement.
Or just organically felt likeyou were on the same page.
this is a time where thingschange and intensely.
(10:08):
what I encourage couples to dois to start treating their
relationship like a livingsystem.
Kelly (10:14):
Okay.
Brittany Wilson (10:15):
It is, it, it's living, it's breathing.
It's, it's the baby, right?
And, and everyone's focus is onthe baby, but.
That baby's needs and schedulecan really look truly different
day to day, week to week.
So that means what you neededyesterday might not be what you
need today.
(10:36):
So to kind of try to managethat, what you can do is regular
check-ins.
Kelly (10:42):
Okay.
Brittany Wilson (10:42):
you're gonna wanna ask each other what's
working, what's feelingparticularly heavy what's
missing.
And then you can utilize toolsif that works for you.
So, you know, shared calendars,chore charts.
For those couples who are like,eh, that seems like too much of
a, a burden to also take onright now.
(11:04):
can do a Sunday night State ofthe Union where you just look at
the week ahead, just one week ata time.
do we have going on?
What do we need?
What kind of tasks do we want tomaybe redistribute and you kind
of learn week by week and, andmake the adjustments as you go.
the one foundational rule whenit comes to the roles and
(11:27):
responsibilities and, andtreating it as a living changing
system is to remember thatequity does not mean 50 50 every
single day.
It's about flexibility and it'sabout fairness over time.
Kelly (11:44):
So that could mean that mom takes on more burden or
responsibilities at one point,but then partner does at the
other point.
So if it's not 50 50.
You're saying, I acknowledgethat one of us may have more.
I'm gonna need you to pick thatup eventually.
Brittany Wilson (11:59):
Exactly.
Kelly (11:59):
Okay.
I love that.
So let me, as we're talkingabout partner communication, way
to talk through these shifts,the third challenge you
mentioned was that communicationbreakdown.
It's a perfect segue into that.
So do you have go-to advice forcouples?
They feel like they'reconstantly misreading or
(12:21):
miscommunicating with eachother?
'cause I know we mentioned it'shard when those roles shift.
It's hard when you're sleepdeprived.
How do you really support thiscommunication to make it easier
for both parents?
Brittany Wilson (12:35):
Yeah, so like we just said, we're, we're
running on lower energy storesand our whole world just kind of
got flipped upside down.
Our roles don't look like theyused to, so the stress is high.
And when stress is high, whathappens is we often lead from a
place of protection rather thanconnection.
(12:57):
What this means is one partnermight shut down, then the other
partner might try to pursue.
Suddenly they're caught in whatI like to call the infinity
loop, where no one feels heardand nothing's getting resolved.
Kelly (13:13):
Mm-hmm.
What if you're in that moment,you're in that loop, you're
tired.
What do you do to stop thatloop?
Brittany Wilson (13:26):
My go-to advice for this is to slow down, slow
down, and then name the pattern,
Kelly (13:34):
Okay.
Brittany Wilson (13:34):
not just the problem.
So you might say something likeI notice when I feel
overwhelmed, I pull away.
And then that makes you feelalone.
Kelly (13:46):
Okay.
Brittany Wilson (13:47):
So that loop starts to just kind of circle
and, and we can get stuck in it.
When you bring theself-awareness to it, when you
name that pattern that'shappening, then you're able to
deescalate defensiveness thatyou were feeling.
invite in some repair.
Kelly (14:05):
I love this and I'm gonna tell you why.
Because my husband and Ipractice this.
We both know our patterns.
We practice this, we've givenours a name.
And we'll say, we'll name it.
We'll say this is happening andit's our loop.
And then we can both say, it'snot you, it's not me, it's this
loop.
Let's stop it.
And it is the most helpfulthing, at least on my end,
Brittany Wilson (14:22):
Mm-hmm.
Kelly (14:23):
that communication thing.
'cause we know how we both acton the regular, right?
Like what our naturalinclination is.
And so I think naming it is agreat, great way.
For people to stop it oridentify this is happening.
Brittany Wilson (14:37):
Yeah, and I think one other helpful tip when
you are naming it is to of do aquick check-in with your
internal monologue.
'cause we tell ourselvesstories.
If our partner is not doingsomething, it's not uncommon for
us to assume.
That it's coming from a placethat is not great.
(14:57):
So what I say is always assumepartner's doing the best they
can with what they have, andgoing into trying to name that
pattern or that loop.
You enter it with curiosity, andwhen you enter with curiosity,
you'll get way further thancriticism.
Kelly (15:17):
I love that, and I feel like that statement could be
used in so much of earlyparenthood, right?
The curiosity versus thecriticism.
So as we're talking aboutcoupled him in that
communication, all of that cancome back to intimacy.
And what I mean by that isphysical, but also emotional and
all the intimacy you have withyour partner.
(15:38):
And for a lot of new parents,reduced intimacy can kind of
feel like this big loss thatthey might not have understood.
But it's also a touchy subjectfor a lot of people.
So is there anything that youwant new parents to know about
this shifts that is happening inany ways realistically with a
newborn or a young child thatthey can reconnect both
(16:00):
emotionally and physically?
Because I know this is alwayskind of a.
Hot topic, but also kind of atouchy topic.
People don't love to talk aboutit, so let's do that.
Brittany Wilson (16:11):
Yeah, completely agree.
I don't know who decided thiswas taboo, but not talking about
it is essentially the crux ofthe problem.
We have to start by recognizingthat reduced intimacy after baby
is completely normal.
I also think it's completelynormal for that to look a little
bit different from partnershipto partnership.
(16:33):
So comparison, we know it's thethief of joy.
We don't wanna compare, but wedo need to normalize that a
reduction in intimacy is verynormal, temporary.
So.
I think the reason that areduction in intimacy becomes an
issue is because for one orboth, it can feel like rejection
(16:56):
if it's not talked about.
Kelly (16:58):
Mm.
That makes sense.
Brittany Wilson (17:01):
So we have to think about the things like the
fact that bodies are healing,identities are shifting, and
your energy is depleted.
That's a whole storm for, Idon't have the energy, I don't
have the time.
I don't have the interest or theconfidence to engage in intimacy
(17:23):
in the way that we used to.
Kelly (17:25):
I love that.
So what, outside of talkingabout it, is there anything else
that you recommend that we coulddo to reconnect maybe in a
different way?
Brittany Wilson (17:35):
Yeah, it, it's about being intentional, instead
of waiting for desire to justmagically return.
You can shift to focusing again,and I know I say this word a lot
to the connection.
So connection starts way beforewe get to a point of physical
intimacy.
So that might mean somethinglike sitting close together,
(17:57):
cuddling up on the couch towatch a movie or a show, or do
an activity that the two of youenjoy when baby is getting a
quick nap in.
You might do something likeshare a long hug or ensure that
you start and end your days withlike a hug and a kiss.
Small moments like that help youbuild back up to where you
(18:21):
might've been previously.
The other thing that can bereally helpful a lot of moms are
nervous, scared, unsure abouttapping back into physical
connection after such a hugechange with their body.
So if you can start with a nopressure, zero obligation cuddle
(18:42):
night.
It really helps the bondingstart all over again.
Another thing that is a littlebit controversial, people feel
differently about this andthat's okay.
Is the potential to normalizescheduling intimacy, not because
(19:06):
it's not romantic.
But when your lives are in thisstate of constant change and
unpredictability, you scheduleintimacy for one another, it
sends the message that this isimportant to us and it matters
at the root of it all.
I think keeping in mind thatemotional safety is, is really
(19:29):
the foundation for physicalintimacy starting there will get
you to your goal.
Kelly (19:36):
I love that because I do think you're right, the reduced
intimacy in that connection isdifferent for every partnership,
and so the tips that you justgive maybe not all of them are
there, but maybe you wanna pickand choose over the next few
weeks if you are.
Wishing to have more.
Try some of these and see whatreally works for your
relationship.
So then that brings us to one ofthe last ones, and I know this
(19:58):
can also be a taboo topic thatpeople don't love to talk about,
but there's a lot of financialstrain that can happen when a
new child, whether it's.
The first new child or the fifthnew child comes into a family,
there is maybe a reduction inincome.
If a mom is staying home or dadis staying home, you know,
childcare cost, all thosethings.
(20:20):
How do you recommend couplestalk through some of these
financial issues
Brittany Wilson (20:26):
so the first thing I recommend before we even
start talking about it to oneanother is to shift the
perspective, to honor the factthat money isn't actually just
about numbers, it's actuallyabout values, it's about
security and about having somepower and autonomy.
Kelly (20:47):
Okay,
Brittany Wilson (20:48):
so when couples avoid the conversation, what
happens is it leaves all thisroom for shame and secrecy.
Also if we attack theconversation in a way that we're
pointing at one another thenwe're just building blame.
(21:08):
So before we've even attemptedto start the conversation, we
have shut it down.
So instead you come to the tableagain from a place of curiosity.
Kelly (21:22):
I love that.
Do you have any recommendationson bringing it up or, so you've
shifted your perspective.
You've said, okay, I'm not gonnacome at this harshly.
How do.
We bring this up and then managethat conversation in a positive
way.
Brittany Wilson (21:39):
I think you start by asking.
The really important questions,one being what are we most
worried about when it comes toour finances?
Where do we place ourpriorities?
And, and that may be acornerstone of getting the
conversation started off on theright foot to see what each of
your perspectives are.
(22:01):
But then I think you alsoshifted it to the other side of,
okay, so then what are wewilling to be flexible on too?
From there, you know, looking atyour budget as a team makes such
a big difference as opposed to ascoreboard, if you will.
If you're really looking at itin a way that tackling it
(22:25):
together, it doesn't feel sotaboo.
It doesn't feel so scary.
It's, Hey, here's this issue,and what kind of different ways
do we wanna tackle it?
Kelly (22:39):
I love it.
I feel like so many of thesetips are great, even if you
don't have a brand new baby.
Right?
Just relationship things thatare.
Needed to begin with.
And great reminders no matterwhere you are in your
relationship, really talkingthrough, the sleep deprivation,
that roles and responsibilityshift, communication,
(23:00):
challenges, intimacy andfinancial strains.
Brittany, let me ask you this.
If you're a mom who's alsostruggling with postpartum
depression, anxiety, these canfeel much more amplified, right?
'cause you're in a differentspace mentally.
If there's a mom or a couplelistening today that's really in
the thick of it, what is onething that they could do this
(23:23):
week or walk away from to feelmore like a team again today?
Brittany Wilson (23:32):
Somebody or a couple wanted to work on
becoming more like a A team,again, more unified, I would
say, to start by defining yourus.
What is our team?
Who are we?
What value do we want to leadwith as parents or partners this
(23:53):
week?
It could be focusing on yourpatients with one another, with
baby, with both.
it could be about having morelaughter.
Your partnership as a whole, orsimply survival, because at
certain times that has to beyour primary focus.
(24:16):
once you figure out what youwant that one value of the week
to be, find one action that eachof you can take to make that
value feel supported for thenext few days.
Kelly (24:31):
I love that.
And again, it's thatcommunication and team building
that you're just practicing andrehearsing and going over and
over again.
So moms, if you heard some ofthese challenges that may.
You feel in your relationship?
If you don't know how to bringup the conversation.
Or if you want to, use this as astarter.
We recommend sharing thispodcast with your partner.
(24:52):
Short, less than 30 minutes.
Come in, let them listen.
Maybe they hear some things aswell that could get that
conversation going.
So, Brittany, as we wrap up, Iwanna thank you so much for
these tips talking to our moms.
I wanted to see if there'sanything else you'd wanna share.
And also if you remind everybodyhow to get in touch with you, if
they wanna learn more.
Brittany Wilson (25:13):
Absolutely.
I think the last thing I wouldlove to leave any of our
listeners with is that.
resilience of your relationship,and especially couplehood after
baby isn't about bouncing back.
We're not going back, we'regoing forward, but it's about
staying connected while you'renavigating the mess.
(25:36):
is okay if you're taking babysteps as long as you're taking
them together.
Kelly (25:44):
I love that.
And where can people.
Will find you, Brittany, if theywant more information from you,
Brittany Wilson (25:48):
The easiest way
Kelly (25:49):
find
Brittany Wilson (25:49):
me is my website.
It'swww.balancewithbrittany.com.
Kelly (25:56):
Brittany.
Thank you so much, and moms, wehope to see you back here next
week, and if you found thishelpful, we encourage you to try
one step this week.
Again, kind of figuring out howto find that partnership
together.
Brittany, like you said, babysteps in the same direction.
We will see you next week.
Thanks.
(26:23):
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(26:43):
Remember, you are not alone withsupport.
You can feel better together.
Let's thrive postpartum.
Welcome to Let's ThrivePostpartum, where we tackle
postpartum depression andanxiety.
Head on, guiding you back toyourself.
Join Kelly Seabold, founder ofThrive Postpartum and Ashley
Moore, a maternal mental healththerapist.
Through honesty and laughter, weshare expert advice and real
stories.
(00:25):
While not therapy or medicaladvice, you'll find education,
support and hope.
Welcome to the village.
Let's thrive postpartum.
Kelly (00:38):
Hi, and welcome back to Let's Thrive Postpartum.
This is Kelly, and I cannot waitfor you to hear this
conversation today.
We are talking to BrittanyWilson.
Hi.
About the five biggestrelationship challenges that
come up after baby and how totackle them.
And if you've gone through thisseason of life or you're in this
season of life, things in yourrelationship may not feel like
(01:02):
they did before baby.
And it's a very common, and alsofor some people like me, it's
very unexpected.
And so I can't wait to dive into what's happening.
Why and ways to support that.
So before I do, I can't wait tointroduce you to Brittany.
So Brittany Wilson is a licensedprofessional counselor, a
nationally board certifiedtherapist, and the founder of
(01:25):
Balance this LLC, which is amental health practice
supporting parents through thecomplex emotional landscape of
early parenthood.
After her own postpartumexperience revealed the deep
gaps in maternal mental healthcare.
Girl.
I've been there, scarceproviders, long waits,
fragmented support.
She shifted her focus tobuilding something better.
(01:46):
So today, Brittany offers carefor moms.
Dads and couples navigating theidentity shifts and relationship
challenges that often follow thebirth of a child.
She also partners withhealthcare organizations to
design and scale compassionateeffective care systems for
parents.
So outside of the therapy room,you'll likely find her on the
golf course practicing the sheencourages her clients to
(02:09):
prioritize.
Brittany, thank you for beinghere with us today.
Brittany Wilson (02:14):
Yeah.
Kelly (02:14):
you so
Brittany Wilson (02:15):
much for having me.
Kelly (02:16):
much for having me.
Of course.
So before we jump in, you know,your bio and your experience,
you talked that you've workedwith so many couples in Early
Parenthood.
Why do you think this phase oflife feels like such a pressure
cooker for new parents?
Brittany Wilson (02:34):
I think it feels like a, a pressure cooker
because it's such a feeling, awhiplash.
Everything that you knew andfelt and, and thought before
baby can look so different thanwhat you were expecting.
So once you're in a situationthat you weren't expecting.
(02:54):
Where'd the playbook go?
Everything just kind of gotthrown out the window, and then
you're in the thick of it andthere's lots of things coming at
you that look new and different,and you're trying to figure that
out in the moment.
Um, also when you're not runningoff of a full tank.
Kelly (03:11):
Yes.
So what have you been seeingworking through your practice
and supporting parents?
What are those five biggestchallenges that you really see?
And why do you see them come upso often?
Brittany Wilson (03:23):
The five biggest challenges I see
Kelly (03:25):
I.
Brittany Wilson (03:26):
around.
Sleep.
The shifting roles andresponsibilities within the
relationship see a big breakdownin communication.
I also see lots of discomfort, Ithink, in how different intimacy
looks for the couple.
And of course, there's then thefinancial strain of adding
(03:47):
another human to your household.
Kelly (03:49):
Yes, and I feel like thinking through those, that all
of those seem very common,whether you have all five or one
and two.
So Brittany, if you're okay withit.
How about we just dive into eachone of these individually?
I'd love to talk about what thatactually looks like in practice
as well as what we can do.
So let's start with somethingthat Ashley and I over this
(04:11):
podcast have talked numeroustimes about, but sleep
deprivation.
And I like to think of it as,you know, all the research I
did, you're not sleeping.
We all know you don't sleepafter baby, but the un.
Still says less than four hoursof sleep per day is a war crime
if you're doing it in aninternational setting.
But for parents, we expect thatto be the norm.
(04:34):
And so you can't function as ahuman without sleep What does
that lack of sleep mean to thecouple dynamic and what can they
do to really support themselves?
Brittany Wilson (04:47):
This is a big one.
So big sleep deprivation trulyis probably the most significant
stressor that couples face afterbringing baby home.
So sleep deprivation issomething that chips away at
almost every aspect of our life.
It chips away at our patients,our empathy, and then our
(05:09):
ability to have a capacity tomaintain the connection with our
partner.
So it can make everything feelmore intense.
It makes minor irritationssomething that can turn into a
really major conflict when, youknow, in the past or normally
it, it wouldn't have felt solarge.
So when both partners arerunning on empty which is
(05:32):
common, it's really to thenmisread one another's cues.
And so then we default to blame.
There are some ways to kind ofcombat that or at least deal
with it.
When it comes up, it's going tocome up.
It's just a matter of when.
Kelly (05:49):
So the first thing you wanna do is try.
Brittany Wilson (05:51):
recognize that the exhaustion is the enemy, not
each other.
Kelly (05:56):
That is great advice that in the moment I feel like I may
have missed on my end to betransparent, but to name it and
say, that is the enemy.
It's not you.
Brittany Wilson (06:05):
Yeah.
Kelly (06:06):
that.
Brittany Wilson (06:07):
So to, to try to combat it.
O once you make thatrealization, it may take you a
little bit and that's okay.
It's new and different, butyou're gonna look for micro
moments.
And the reason I say micromoments is because.
The, the moments are sofleeting, especially in those
first few months.
So small opportunities where youcan trade off a quick nap.
(06:31):
you know, a five to 20 minutenap might have sounded before
bringing a baby home, but afterthat is gold.
So offering that to each otherso that both of you are able to
get some kind of restfulness.
Really saying thank you is sucha big deal in this time when
(06:52):
you're both tapped out, thatrecognition means the world.
Another thing you can do that isreally powerful is just pause
and look at your partner andsay, what do you need right now?
Kelly (07:06):
That's a great question.
Brittany Wilson (07:08):
Yeah.
We might not know, and that'sokay too.
Say that, say, I'm not sure sothat, that the two of you can
maybe look at it and tackle ittogether.
But we don't wanna assume, don'tassume that they do need sleep.
They, they might not be in aplace where they feel like
that's achievable in thatmoment.
But maybe they need to walkoutside and take a breath.
Maybe they just need to sit downand do something that doesn't
(07:32):
feel like caretaking or or taskoriented.
That counts too.
So those really smallintentional acts are, are what
keep your relationship tethered,even through the fog.
Kelly (07:44):
I love that.
Again, asking where they aresupporting and the thank you.
Those little moments really domake a difference.
Brittany Wilson (07:51):
Yeah.
Kelly (07:52):
So let's go to number two and talk about, you mentioned,
you know, that shifting rolesand responsibilities, that even
if you have a well laid planprior to bringing baby into the
picture, that can really catchpeople off guard.
What patterns or tensions do youreally see when it comes to
expectations and resentment andthe roles that we all have?
Brittany Wilson (08:19):
Resentment is the biggest and most common
feature that comes out in thistime.
And the reason for that, Ithink, is because it, it usually
builds in this gap.
And the gap that exists now thateither did or didn't exist
before is between unspokenexpectations and unmet needs.
(08:45):
So what I often see happeningthere is couples falling into
their default roles or newperceived defaults, such as who
is staying home, like who's onleave who earns more.
That one comes up frequently,who seems to maybe be better at
certain tasks, but that doesn'talways mean that it makes sense
(09:09):
anymore.
So making the assumptions iswhere we get ourselves in
trouble, but if we can openlydiscuss what our expectations
are and what needs we have, wecan start to close that gap and
shrink those feelings ofresentment.
Kelly (09:27):
So, let me say this.
Let me ask this, I guess.
So if you're a mom listening.
And you feel like you have unmetneeds or that gap exists.
What I'm hearing you say is thatmom should have clear
communication about what theseexpectations are and talk it
through with your partner.
Yeah.
Brittany Wilson (09:46):
And that, that can take practice too though,
especially if you know beforebaby things felt like they
flowed well and were prettysimple.
You didn't have a lot ofdisagreement.
Or just organically felt likeyou were on the same page.
this is a time where thingschange and intensely.
(10:08):
what I encourage couples to dois to start treating their
relationship like a livingsystem.
Kelly (10:14):
Okay.
Brittany Wilson (10:15):
It is, it, it's living, it's breathing.
It's, it's the baby, right?
And, and everyone's focus is onthe baby, but.
That baby's needs and schedulecan really look truly different
day to day, week to week.
So that means what you neededyesterday might not be what you
need today.
(10:36):
So to kind of try to managethat, what you can do is regular
check-ins.
Kelly (10:42):
Okay.
Brittany Wilson (10:42):
you're gonna wanna ask each other what's
working, what's feelingparticularly heavy what's
missing.
And then you can utilize toolsif that works for you.
So, you know, shared calendars,chore charts.
For those couples who are like,eh, that seems like too much of
a, a burden to also take onright now.
(11:04):
can do a Sunday night State ofthe Union where you just look at
the week ahead, just one week ata time.
do we have going on?
What do we need?
What kind of tasks do we want tomaybe redistribute and you kind
of learn week by week and, andmake the adjustments as you go.
the one foundational rule whenit comes to the roles and
(11:27):
responsibilities and, andtreating it as a living changing
system is to remember thatequity does not mean 50 50 every
single day.
It's about flexibility and it'sabout fairness over time.
Kelly (11:44):
So that could mean that mom takes on more burden or
responsibilities at one point,but then partner does at the
other point.
So if it's not 50 50.
You're saying, I acknowledgethat one of us may have more.
I'm gonna need you to pick thatup eventually.
Brittany Wilson (11:59):
Exactly.
Kelly (11:59):
Okay.
I love that.
So let me, as we're talkingabout partner communication, way
to talk through these shifts,the third challenge you
mentioned was that communicationbreakdown.
It's a perfect segue into that.
So do you have go-to advice forcouples?
They feel like they'reconstantly misreading or
(12:21):
miscommunicating with eachother?
'cause I know we mentioned it'shard when those roles shift.
It's hard when you're sleepdeprived.
How do you really support thiscommunication to make it easier
for both parents?
Brittany Wilson (12:35):
Yeah, so like we just said, we're, we're
running on lower energy storesand our whole world just kind of
got flipped upside down.
Our roles don't look like theyused to, so the stress is high.
And when stress is high, whathappens is we often lead from a
place of protection rather thanconnection.
(12:57):
What this means is one partnermight shut down, then the other
partner might try to pursue.
Suddenly they're caught in whatI like to call the infinity
loop, where no one feels heardand nothing's getting resolved.
Kelly (13:13):
Mm-hmm.
What if you're in that moment,you're in that loop, you're
tired.
What do you do to stop thatloop?
Brittany Wilson (13:26):
My go-to advice for this is to slow down, slow
down, and then name the pattern,
Kelly (13:34):
Okay.
Brittany Wilson (13:34):
not just the problem.
So you might say something likeI notice when I feel
overwhelmed, I pull away.
And then that makes you feelalone.
Kelly (13:46):
Okay.
Brittany Wilson (13:47):
So that loop starts to just kind of circle
and, and we can get stuck in it.
When you bring theself-awareness to it, when you
name that pattern that'shappening, then you're able to
deescalate defensiveness thatyou were feeling.
invite in some repair.
Kelly (14:05):
I love this and I'm gonna tell you why.
Because my husband and Ipractice this.
We both know our patterns.
We practice this, we've givenours a name.
And we'll say, we'll name it.
We'll say this is happening andit's our loop.
And then we can both say, it'snot you, it's not me, it's this
loop.
Let's stop it.
And it is the most helpfulthing, at least on my end,
Brittany Wilson (14:22):
Mm-hmm.
Kelly (14:23):
that communication thing.
'cause we know how we both acton the regular, right?
Like what our naturalinclination is.
And so I think naming it is agreat, great way.
For people to stop it oridentify this is happening.
Brittany Wilson (14:37):
Yeah, and I think one other helpful tip when
you are naming it is to of do aquick check-in with your
internal monologue.
'cause we tell ourselvesstories.
If our partner is not doingsomething, it's not uncommon for
us to assume.
That it's coming from a placethat is not great.
(14:57):
So what I say is always assumepartner's doing the best they
can with what they have, andgoing into trying to name that
pattern or that loop.
You enter it with curiosity, andwhen you enter with curiosity,
you'll get way further thancriticism.
Kelly (15:17):
I love that, and I feel like that statement could be
used in so much of earlyparenthood, right?
The curiosity versus thecriticism.
So as we're talking aboutcoupled him in that
communication, all of that cancome back to intimacy.
And what I mean by that isphysical, but also emotional and
all the intimacy you have withyour partner.
(15:38):
And for a lot of new parents,reduced intimacy can kind of
feel like this big loss thatthey might not have understood.
But it's also a touchy subjectfor a lot of people.
So is there anything that youwant new parents to know about
this shifts that is happening inany ways realistically with a
newborn or a young child thatthey can reconnect both
(16:00):
emotionally and physically?
Because I know this is alwayskind of a.
Hot topic, but also kind of atouchy topic.
People don't love to talk aboutit, so let's do that.
Brittany Wilson (16:11):
Yeah, completely agree.
I don't know who decided thiswas taboo, but not talking about
it is essentially the crux ofthe problem.
We have to start by recognizingthat reduced intimacy after baby
is completely normal.
I also think it's completelynormal for that to look a little
bit different from partnershipto partnership.
(16:33):
So comparison, we know it's thethief of joy.
We don't wanna compare, but wedo need to normalize that a
reduction in intimacy is verynormal, temporary.
So.
I think the reason that areduction in intimacy becomes an
issue is because for one orboth, it can feel like rejection
(16:56):
if it's not talked about.
Kelly (16:58):
Mm.
That makes sense.
Brittany Wilson (17:01):
So we have to think about the things like the
fact that bodies are healing,identities are shifting, and
your energy is depleted.
That's a whole storm for, Idon't have the energy, I don't
have the time.
I don't have the interest or theconfidence to engage in intimacy
(17:23):
in the way that we used to.
Kelly (17:25):
I love that.
So what, outside of talkingabout it, is there anything else
that you recommend that we coulddo to reconnect maybe in a
different way?
Brittany Wilson (17:35):
Yeah, it, it's about being intentional, instead
of waiting for desire to justmagically return.
You can shift to focusing again,and I know I say this word a lot
to the connection.
So connection starts way beforewe get to a point of physical
intimacy.
So that might mean somethinglike sitting close together,
(17:57):
cuddling up on the couch towatch a movie or a show, or do
an activity that the two of youenjoy when baby is getting a
quick nap in.
You might do something likeshare a long hug or ensure that
you start and end your days withlike a hug and a kiss.
Small moments like that help youbuild back up to where you
(18:21):
might've been previously.
The other thing that can bereally helpful a lot of moms are
nervous, scared, unsure abouttapping back into physical
connection after such a hugechange with their body.
So if you can start with a nopressure, zero obligation cuddle
(18:42):
night.
It really helps the bondingstart all over again.
Another thing that is a littlebit controversial, people feel
differently about this andthat's okay.
Is the potential to normalizescheduling intimacy, not because
(19:06):
it's not romantic.
But when your lives are in thisstate of constant change and
unpredictability, you scheduleintimacy for one another, it
sends the message that this isimportant to us and it matters
at the root of it all.
I think keeping in mind thatemotional safety is, is really
(19:29):
the foundation for physicalintimacy starting there will get
you to your goal.
Kelly (19:36):
I love that because I do think you're right, the reduced
intimacy in that connection isdifferent for every partnership,
and so the tips that you justgive maybe not all of them are
there, but maybe you wanna pickand choose over the next few
weeks if you are.
Wishing to have more.
Try some of these and see whatreally works for your
relationship.
So then that brings us to one ofthe last ones, and I know this
(19:58):
can also be a taboo topic thatpeople don't love to talk about,
but there's a lot of financialstrain that can happen when a
new child, whether it's.
The first new child or the fifthnew child comes into a family,
there is maybe a reduction inincome.
If a mom is staying home or dadis staying home, you know,
childcare cost, all thosethings.
(20:20):
How do you recommend couplestalk through some of these
financial issues
Brittany Wilson (20:26):
so the first thing I recommend before we even
start talking about it to oneanother is to shift the
perspective, to honor the factthat money isn't actually just
about numbers, it's actuallyabout values, it's about
security and about having somepower and autonomy.
Kelly (20:47):
Okay,
Brittany Wilson (20:48):
so when couples avoid the conversation, what
happens is it leaves all thisroom for shame and secrecy.
Also if we attack theconversation in a way that we're
pointing at one another thenwe're just building blame.
(21:08):
So before we've even attemptedto start the conversation, we
have shut it down.
So instead you come to the tableagain from a place of curiosity.
Kelly (21:22):
I love that.
Do you have any recommendationson bringing it up or, so you've
shifted your perspective.
You've said, okay, I'm not gonnacome at this harshly.
How do.
We bring this up and then managethat conversation in a positive
way.
Brittany Wilson (21:39):
I think you start by asking.
The really important questions,one being what are we most
worried about when it comes toour finances?
Where do we place ourpriorities?
And, and that may be acornerstone of getting the
conversation started off on theright foot to see what each of
your perspectives are.
(22:01):
But then I think you alsoshifted it to the other side of,
okay, so then what are wewilling to be flexible on too?
From there, you know, looking atyour budget as a team makes such
a big difference as opposed to ascoreboard, if you will.
If you're really looking at itin a way that tackling it
(22:25):
together, it doesn't feel sotaboo.
It doesn't feel so scary.
It's, Hey, here's this issue,and what kind of different ways
do we wanna tackle it?
Kelly (22:39):
I love it.
I feel like so many of thesetips are great, even if you
don't have a brand new baby.
Right?
Just relationship things thatare.
Needed to begin with.
And great reminders no matterwhere you are in your
relationship, really talkingthrough, the sleep deprivation,
that roles and responsibilityshift, communication,
(23:00):
challenges, intimacy andfinancial strains.
Brittany, let me ask you this.
If you're a mom who's alsostruggling with postpartum
depression, anxiety, these canfeel much more amplified, right?
'cause you're in a differentspace mentally.
If there's a mom or a couplelistening today that's really in
the thick of it, what is onething that they could do this
(23:23):
week or walk away from to feelmore like a team again today?
Brittany Wilson (23:32):
Somebody or a couple wanted to work on
becoming more like a A team,again, more unified, I would
say, to start by defining yourus.
What is our team?
Who are we?
What value do we want to leadwith as parents or partners this
(23:53):
week?
It could be focusing on yourpatients with one another, with
baby, with both.
it could be about having morelaughter.
Your partnership as a whole, orsimply survival, because at
certain times that has to beyour primary focus.
(24:16):
once you figure out what youwant that one value of the week
to be, find one action that eachof you can take to make that
value feel supported for thenext few days.
Kelly (24:31):
I love that.
And again, it's thatcommunication and team building
that you're just practicing andrehearsing and going over and
over again.
So moms, if you heard some ofthese challenges that may.
You feel in your relationship?
If you don't know how to bringup the conversation.
Or if you want to, use this as astarter.
We recommend sharing thispodcast with your partner.
(24:52):
Short, less than 30 minutes.
Come in, let them listen.
Maybe they hear some things aswell that could get that
conversation going.
So, Brittany, as we wrap up, Iwanna thank you so much for
these tips talking to our moms.
I wanted to see if there'sanything else you'd wanna share.
And also if you remind everybodyhow to get in touch with you, if
they wanna learn more.
Brittany Wilson (25:13):
Absolutely.
I think the last thing I wouldlove to leave any of our
listeners with is that.
resilience of your relationship,and especially couplehood after
baby isn't about bouncing back.
We're not going back, we'regoing forward, but it's about
staying connected while you'renavigating the mess.
(25:36):
is okay if you're taking babysteps as long as you're taking
them together.
Kelly (25:44):
I love that.
And where can people.
Will find you, Brittany, if theywant more information from you,
Brittany Wilson (25:48):
The easiest way
Kelly (25:49):
find
Brittany Wilson (25:49):
me is my website.
It'swww.balancewithbrittany.com.
Kelly (25:56):
Brittany.
Thank you so much, and moms, wehope to see you back here next
week, and if you found thishelpful, we encourage you to try
one step this week.
Again, kind of figuring out howto find that partnership
together.
Brittany, like you said, babysteps in the same direction.
We will see you next week.
Thanks.
(26:23):
If you enjoyed this episode andfound it helpful, please be sure
to hit subscribe.
Leave us your feedback and giveus a five star review.
For even more support, visitus@wethrivepostpartum.com.
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(26:43):
Remember, you are not alone withsupport.
You can feel better together.
Let's thrive postpartum.
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