August 8, 2024 • 7 mins
What would you do if you were faced with an impossible choice during your pregnancy? Join me, Magon Hoffman, as I share the deeply personal and emotional journey I experienced with my second pregnancy. This episode is not just about my story; it's a reality check of the what many face when pregnancy doesn't go as planned.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I figured, if I was going to ask people to bravely
share their abortion storieswith me, that I should be
willing to do so myself.
So why not go first?
My name is Megan Hoffman andI'm not only the host of this
podcast, but I'm also someonewho received an abortion.
(00:22):
After Roe vs Wade wasoverturned, Back in September of
2023, I found out I waspregnant with my second child.
I have PCOS and struggle withinfertility, so you can imagine
my surprise when the test cameback positive after only three
months of medication.
For context, it took a fullyear to get pregnant with my
first child, and even that is ashort amount of time in the
(00:45):
world of infertility.
My first trimester was on parwith what I experienced during
my first pregnancy.
I wasn't as sick, but theexhaustion was definitely there.
I can't speak for everyone, butI think it's a pretty common
experience to struggle duringthe early stages of pregnancy,
especially when you've dealtwith infertility.
During both of my pregnancies,I remember feeling like I was
(01:06):
just holding my breath, waitingfor the golden week 13, the week
when you're unofficially in theclear.
Week 13 finally arrived and Istill had a pit in my stomach.
Everything seemed fine duringdoctor's appointments, but
something was holding me backfrom telling our daughter or
anyone other than our immediatefamily about the baby.
Looking back, I often wonder ifit was a mother's intuition
(01:29):
that something was wrong or ifit was just the same base level
of fear that so many face whenthey know the realities of how
difficult pregnancy can be.
Mid-november, at 14 weekspregnant, I woke up in the
middle of the night and knew forsure the amount of blood I saw
meant I was having a miscarriage.
I woke my husband up and he satwith me while we waited for 8am
(01:49):
to roll around so he could callmy doctor.
The nurse explained to us thatif I was having a miscarriage,
there was nothing that could bedone to stop it.
I had a previously scheduledappointment for the following
day and the nurse basically said, if the pain or blood got to be
too much, to go to theemergency room.
In the meantime, the next day Iwent to my appointment fully
prepared to be told that therewas no longer a heartbeat, and I
(02:11):
was shocked to find out thatthe baby was actually fine.
We even found out it was a girl.
So basically, what happened wasa portion of my placenta had
lifted from my cervix and causeda very large blood clot to form
.
My doctor said that the babywasn't in danger and the hope
would be that the blood clotdoesn't get any bigger in size
while at the same time the babygrows and sort of pancakes the
(02:34):
blood clot against the cervix.
To stop any further bleeding, Iwas put on partial bed rest,
meaning I didn't have tophysically stay in bed, but I
couldn't do much of anything.
I couldn't lift my daughter, Icouldn't change out the laundry.
I couldn't function at fullcapacity at work like I needed
to.
I started going to weeklyappointments and week 15, 16,
(02:54):
and 17 showed that the bloodclot wasn't getting any worse
and the baby was growing.
At this point I still wasn'table to tell my daughter about
the baby.
I was trying to listen to myhusband and mom and feel relief
that things were progressing,but nothing felt right.
I was scheduled to have myanatomy scan at 18 weeks right
before Christmas.
We woke up that morning to snowand a call from the anatomy
(03:15):
center that they were closingfor the day and they would need
to reschedule me for thefollowing week.
I can't imagine that there's agood time to receive the news we
would eventually hear.
But looking back, I am gladthat we got to experience
Christmas before it happened.
It wasn't long into the anatomyscan that I knew something was
wrong.
The ultrasound tech was takingmeasurements of different parts
(03:35):
of her body and all of them weremeasuring right at 19 weeks
until they got to her head.
When I saw the measurement ofher head come out at 14 weeks
five days it felt like somethingjust clicked, Like all the bad
news I'd been holding out forwas finally here.
We learned that day that ourdaughter had anencephaly.
She had no brain, no skull.
(03:57):
It was a fatal diagnosis.
Adding to the devastation, myplacenta was now partially
overlapping my cervix.
The doctor explained that wehad two options.
Option one would be to waituntil I reached 37 weeks and
induce labor, ending in apossible C-section due to the
placement of my placenta.
Once our daughter was born, shewould be placed on comfort care
(04:19):
, meaning they would do whatthey could to make sure she
wasn't in pain while we waitedfor her to die.
The second option would be toleave the state and receive an
abortion.
He told us we didn't have tomake a decision right then and
that we could reach out wheneverwe did.
We left the office and itdidn't even take me the walk to
the car to know that an abortionwas the right option for me and
(04:41):
my family.
My husband was not onlysupportive in making sure that I
knew the decision was mine tomake, but he was also relieved
when I told him what I wanted todo.
I spent the next week trying toreach the anatomy center and was
ignored.
I would later find out that theclinic had been trying to
decode Oklahoma abortion laws tounderstand what they could and
couldn't tell me withoutbreaking those laws.
(05:02):
Meanwhile, I was waiting forhours to get in touch with
clinics, only to be told thatthe waitlist was so long and I
wouldn't be able to get there intime before I was past their
cutoff dates.
I finally found a clinic thatwould not only be able to see me
in time but that could alsoperform a c-section just in case
one would be needed again dueto the placement of my placenta.
(05:22):
During all of this, I was leftwith no help from my doctors
here at home.
I had to request my own medicalfiles, handle everything on my
own, just days after receivingthe worst news a parent could
ever hear.
I remember knowing I felt sad,but being so overwhelmed by fear
that I didn't have the capacityto address it.
I was basically in fight orflight mode and it really just
(05:44):
felt like the state of Oklahomawas kicking me while I was down.
A week later, my husband and Itraveled to New Mexico and
received the two-day procedure.
I remember the exact moment.
I spoke with the doctor at theclinic and felt like I could
breathe again.
It was the first moment inweeks that I felt safe and that
someone was finally going tohelp me get through this.
It was in that moment that Iknew I was going to see the
(06:04):
other side of this and be okay.
Three weeks after my procedure,Lottie's ashes were delivered to
my doorstep.
I vaguely remember my husbandjumping through hoops to make
sure everything was donecorrectly so we could go back
home.
So we could go back home.
I'll never forget the face ofthe delivery man when I answered
the door and he told me that hehad saw where the package was
(06:25):
from and couldn't stand thethought of leaving it on my
doorstep.
Lottie's ashes sit on a shelfin our closet.
I spend a lot of time thinkingabout the day that we sit our
daughter down and tell her abouther sister.
It's been over a year now and Istill don't even know where I
would start.
I hope more than anything thatthe conversation includes a
(06:47):
silver lining and that I cantell her she doesn't ever have
to worry about going throughwhat I went through.
As parents, it sucks to knowyour children are going to
experience heartbreak, but it'salso empowering to think about
the things that you can fightfor on their behalf.
Thank you for listening.
(07:08):
Please take a moment tosubscribe to our podcast and
leave a review wherever you'relistening from.
Talk to you soon.
I figured, if I was going to ask people to bravely
share their abortion storieswith me, that I should be
willing to do so myself.
So why not go first?
My name is Megan Hoffman andI'm not only the host of this
podcast, but I'm also someonewho received an abortion.
(00:22):
After Roe vs Wade wasoverturned, Back in September of
2023, I found out I waspregnant with my second child.
I have PCOS and struggle withinfertility, so you can imagine
my surprise when the test cameback positive after only three
months of medication.
For context, it took a fullyear to get pregnant with my
first child, and even that is ashort amount of time in the
(00:45):
world of infertility.
My first trimester was on parwith what I experienced during
my first pregnancy.
I wasn't as sick, but theexhaustion was definitely there.
I can't speak for everyone, butI think it's a pretty common
experience to struggle duringthe early stages of pregnancy,
especially when you've dealtwith infertility.
During both of my pregnancies,I remember feeling like I was
(01:06):
just holding my breath, waitingfor the golden week 13, the week
when you're unofficially in theclear.
Week 13 finally arrived and Istill had a pit in my stomach.
Everything seemed fine duringdoctor's appointments, but
something was holding me backfrom telling our daughter or
anyone other than our immediatefamily about the baby.
Looking back, I often wonder ifit was a mother's intuition
(01:29):
that something was wrong or ifit was just the same base level
of fear that so many face whenthey know the realities of how
difficult pregnancy can be.
Mid-november, at 14 weekspregnant, I woke up in the
middle of the night and knew forsure the amount of blood I saw
meant I was having a miscarriage.
I woke my husband up and he satwith me while we waited for 8am
(01:49):
to roll around so he could callmy doctor.
The nurse explained to us thatif I was having a miscarriage,
there was nothing that could bedone to stop it.
I had a previously scheduledappointment for the following
day and the nurse basically said, if the pain or blood got to be
too much, to go to theemergency room.
In the meantime, the next day Iwent to my appointment fully
prepared to be told that therewas no longer a heartbeat, and I
(02:11):
was shocked to find out thatthe baby was actually fine.
We even found out it was a girl.
So basically, what happened wasa portion of my placenta had
lifted from my cervix and causeda very large blood clot to form
.
My doctor said that the babywasn't in danger and the hope
would be that the blood clotdoesn't get any bigger in size
while at the same time the babygrows and sort of pancakes the
(02:34):
blood clot against the cervix.
To stop any further bleeding, Iwas put on partial bed rest,
meaning I didn't have tophysically stay in bed, but I
couldn't do much of anything.
I couldn't lift my daughter, Icouldn't change out the laundry.
I couldn't function at fullcapacity at work like I needed
to.
I started going to weeklyappointments and week 15, 16,
(02:54):
and 17 showed that the bloodclot wasn't getting any worse
and the baby was growing.
At this point I still wasn'table to tell my daughter about
the baby.
I was trying to listen to myhusband and mom and feel relief
that things were progressing,but nothing felt right.
I was scheduled to have myanatomy scan at 18 weeks right
before Christmas.
We woke up that morning to snowand a call from the anatomy
(03:15):
center that they were closingfor the day and they would need
to reschedule me for thefollowing week.
I can't imagine that there's agood time to receive the news we
would eventually hear.
But looking back, I am gladthat we got to experience
Christmas before it happened.
It wasn't long into the anatomyscan that I knew something was
wrong.
The ultrasound tech was takingmeasurements of different parts
(03:35):
of her body and all of them weremeasuring right at 19 weeks
until they got to her head.
When I saw the measurement ofher head come out at 14 weeks
five days it felt like somethingjust clicked, Like all the bad
news I'd been holding out forwas finally here.
We learned that day that ourdaughter had anencephaly.
She had no brain, no skull.
(03:57):
It was a fatal diagnosis.
Adding to the devastation, myplacenta was now partially
overlapping my cervix.
The doctor explained that wehad two options.
Option one would be to waituntil I reached 37 weeks and
induce labor, ending in apossible C-section due to the
placement of my placenta.
Once our daughter was born, shewould be placed on comfort care
(04:19):
, meaning they would do whatthey could to make sure she
wasn't in pain while we waitedfor her to die.
The second option would be toleave the state and receive an
abortion.
He told us we didn't have tomake a decision right then and
that we could reach out wheneverwe did.
We left the office and itdidn't even take me the walk to
the car to know that an abortionwas the right option for me and
(04:41):
my family.
My husband was not onlysupportive in making sure that I
knew the decision was mine tomake, but he was also relieved
when I told him what I wanted todo.
I spent the next week trying toreach the anatomy center and was
ignored.
I would later find out that theclinic had been trying to
decode Oklahoma abortion laws tounderstand what they could and
couldn't tell me withoutbreaking those laws.
(05:02):
Meanwhile, I was waiting forhours to get in touch with
clinics, only to be told thatthe waitlist was so long and I
wouldn't be able to get there intime before I was past their
cutoff dates.
I finally found a clinic thatwould not only be able to see me
in time but that could alsoperform a c-section just in case
one would be needed again dueto the placement of my placenta.
(05:22):
During all of this, I was leftwith no help from my doctors
here at home.
I had to request my own medicalfiles, handle everything on my
own, just days after receivingthe worst news a parent could
ever hear.
I remember knowing I felt sad,but being so overwhelmed by fear
that I didn't have the capacityto address it.
I was basically in fight orflight mode and it really just
(05:44):
felt like the state of Oklahomawas kicking me while I was down.
A week later, my husband and Itraveled to New Mexico and
received the two-day procedure.
I remember the exact moment.
I spoke with the doctor at theclinic and felt like I could
breathe again.
It was the first moment inweeks that I felt safe and that
someone was finally going tohelp me get through this.
It was in that moment that Iknew I was going to see the
(06:04):
other side of this and be okay.
Three weeks after my procedure,Lottie's ashes were delivered to
my doorstep.
I vaguely remember my husbandjumping through hoops to make
sure everything was donecorrectly so we could go back
home.
So we could go back home.
I'll never forget the face ofthe delivery man when I answered
the door and he told me that hehad saw where the package was
(06:25):
from and couldn't stand thethought of leaving it on my
doorstep.
Lottie's ashes sit on a shelfin our closet.
I spend a lot of time thinkingabout the day that we sit our
daughter down and tell her abouther sister.
It's been over a year now and Istill don't even know where I
would start.
I hope more than anything thatthe conversation includes a
(06:47):
silver lining and that I cantell her she doesn't ever have
to worry about going throughwhat I went through.
As parents, it sucks to knowyour children are going to
experience heartbreak, but it'salso empowering to think about
the things that you can fightfor on their behalf.
Thank you for listening.
(07:08):
Please take a moment tosubscribe to our podcast and
leave a review wherever you'relistening from.
Talk to you soon.
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