Abolish the Highlander Mentality

"There can be only one."
Have you ever known someone who thought there was only room for one person at the top and they were determined to stay there? This cutthroat behavior is often the result of overcompensating because of insecurity and fear. Today we talk about why it happens, how it affect the workplace, and what to do if it happens to you.

Episode Transcript

LTP (00:06):
In the race to success, we're not all starting from the
same place. Level the Pursuitseeks to fill in the gaps and
provide accessible, bite-sizedleadership lessons for anyone
looking to improve their skillsand prepare for the next step,
whatever that might be.
Welcome back, my friends, I hopeyou had a great week. Last week,
we talked to Terry Tucker, whogave us an amazing story of

(00:28):
overcoming adversity andgenerally being an all around
fantastic guy. So I hope youreally enjoyed that. This week,
we're going to talk about theHighlander mentality. Now, for
those of you that are not bornin the 70s, or 80s, you may have
no idea what the Highlander is.
So we'll talk about that. Buthave you ever known anyone who
got to the top and then didn'tfind it lonely, instead really

(00:48):
liked being up there alone andtry to push everyone else off
the hills they tried to go up?
That's what we're talking about.
Today, we'll talk about whatthat is, and why it's not okay,
and what to do about it. Thisweek, think about ways you can
mentor others, we've beentalking a lot about the
mentorship you need, but youshould be given a little bit
back as well.
So what is the Highlandermentality? Well, the Highlander

(01:18):
was a movie, and then a TV show,about this Highlander guy that
went around and would chop otherHighlanders heads off, because
they could get each other'spower. And whoever was the last
one standing would get all thepower and control the entire
world. It was very at ease. Buttheir mantra was, "there can be

(01:38):
only one." And I have seen it somany times, as I've had
different jobs, people who feltlike when they were the only or
they had worked really hard toget where they were, that they
could be the only one. Now,that's a really powerful thing,
right? We talk about diversity,we talk about inclusion, and we

(01:59):
talk about trying to help peoplearound. So how is it they're
still people that get someplace,and they want to be the only
one? Well, it can come from alot of places. And not all of
these people know they're doingit. And most of them are not bad
people, they don't necessarilywant to hurt others, they don't
realize the implications oftheir actions. So where does it

(02:20):
come from? Usually, it startsout from being the only. And if
you've ever been the only theonly person of color, the only
man the only woman, the only gayperson, whatever it is, being
the only---sucks.
There are a lot of times it isnot fun at all, there's
sometimes it's actually awesome,you can get a lot done. But a

(02:41):
lot of times it's not, you canfeel really scrutinized. You can
feel labeled as though when youspeak, everything you say
represents whatever group thatyou're part of, or whatever
group people think that yourepresent. And it can constantly
feel as though you have tolegitimize your thoughts, your
behaviors, your opinions, evenfacts-- when you use facts,

(03:02):
people still don't believe youbecause of how you look or how
they perceive you. One thingthat's really difficult and
being the only is being placedin a position to tolerate
inappropriate behavior orhurtful behavior, to avoid
upsetting the dynamic, and thisone absolutely drives me crazy.
When people break rules. Andpeople do this with social norms

(03:22):
all the time, people breakacceptable rules. But if you
pointit out you're the jerk,and I cannot stand that, it just
I don't understand how are thepoliteness in our society has
made it okay if you're the firstone to break the rule, but when
you poin it out, you're thejerk, and that's a really
difficult position to be in,when you're the only. So you've
worked really hard to get there.
And now you're having to behavein this way that is overly

(03:45):
scrutinized and is so stressful,that you can become quite
protective of that position. Alot of times, people have had to
fight really, really hard toprove themselves, they've been
the first one to break thesebarriers, the first one to get
to each step on this, in on thisjourney, each rung on this
ladder. And so they foughtreally hard, they're not willing

(04:06):
to give it up. And so you canunderstand why that might be.
Another reason people might feelthis way is seeing the evidence
for themselves seeing that oneperson who looks like them might
get ahead and seeing theirleadership or their co workers
or whoever pushing the othersdown as though they have that
one person which you know, canbe tokenism of just having that

(04:26):
person to check that box. Andthen honestly, you can be told
flat out, I was in a situationwhere women were very
underrepresented in general inthe industry. And we in our, in
our area, we happened to havemore women than the average. And
so my co workers actually cameto me because we were hiring,

(04:47):
they came to me and said, youknow, we already have more than
the average. So can we all agreethat we're not going to take
another woman this year? LikeYou gotta be kidding me? No,
we're gonna take the best personavailable. I don't care. their
gender is, but are you seriousright now that's that's really
what we're looking at is we'vereached some imaginary quota,
and therefore, we're not goingto take anyone else. So you can

(05:07):
see why people would be reallyfrustrated with that. But you
can also have just insecurity inyourself or imposter syndrome
feeling like when you seesomeone else coming up, that is
like you, they might be betterthan you. And therefore your
position might be a risk. Andthat can be really, really
difficult, especially if they'regood.

(05:28):
You know, if they're reallygood, that can even be more
threatening, instead of beinguplifting and exciting. It can
be identity shaking, that youmight be losing your opportunity
where you are. And along withthe identity is the role we play
in a group. You know, when I wasin the fire department, my
station, I was the only femalestation there. And that was my

(05:49):
role, you know, good or bad. Iknew what to expect. And so when
there was another one on theshift, thankfully, my female
colleagues were amazing. And Ihad a great time with them. But
you always have if someone youhaven't met before, you have
this kind of feeling of how isthis person going to upset the
dynamic. And she's not taking mymy guys, this is my crew, you

(06:09):
know, you have this ownership ofthis group, because you've
established your role. So thatcan be a really, really hard
thing. When you see someonecoming in, it's like, Where do I
fit in if they come in? Where doI fit in this group, now, I've
worked so hard to achieve myposition. And then finally, some
people just don't want to beassociated with any particular
group. So the idea that someoneelse is coming in kind of

(06:30):
creates that group dynamic ishard enough already being
labeled, but then to be groupedand associated against your
will, whether this person isgood or bad can be really
frustrating for people. Imentored a young woman who I
said, Hey, you know, I'd like tomentor you, I'd like to
introduce you to some stuff. Andher response was "no, that's
cool. I'm good. I don't, I'm notabout you know, that women

(06:51):
empowerment stuff. I'm not Idon't want to be associated with
women who hate men and thingslike that." And that was a fair
thing to say, you know, she, sheshared her, her feelings,
honestly. And I reallyappreciate that she was honest
with me, because it gave me theopportunity to say, "Hey, I'm
not a man hater. All my mentorshave been men so far." But it's

(07:12):
not about associating in acertain way, or hating men or
finding ways to work the system.
It's about recognizing thatsometimes, the fact that we have
female faces in this group aregoing people are going to
respond in a different way. Soit's recognizing those
situations, and then decidinghow we want to react, you may
not change anything at all. Butit is helpful to know that your

(07:34):
gender or your color, or youraccent, or what however you're
identified, might be affectinghow people respond to you. All
it is, is information.
So when does this happen? Well,it happens when you most often
when you're the only, but it canhappen when you're just an
underrepresented group. So ifthere are a few of whatever

(07:55):
women, people of color, whateverit might be, then it can still
happen. And those group, thatgroup might behave in that way.
But generally, it's a it's asingle person doing that. And so
it could be because the up andcomer is pretty good. And so
you're not sure how to respond.
You're not sure if they kind ofwant to see them prove
themselves. And so you wait andsee what happens, but you don't

(08:16):
help them. But then it can bebecause they're really good. And
that's actually a bigger issue,because that can be existential
threats, man, if someone'scoming up, and they are really,
really solid, people stopthinking about the fact that
they've earned their positionthey've earned where they are.
They have establishedcredibility, they've established

(08:40):
established experience, theyknow what they're doing. And
instead, they just think thisperson has this all this
potential, they're going toknock me off my perch. And so in
that situation, it's actually Ihave seen it personally, I can't
I don't have any statistics onit. I have seen it personally,
where the person that is ahigher rank or higher position
will actually actively underminethat other person to make sure

(09:03):
that they don't continue to risein a way that's potentially
threatening. And that ishorrible to me. I just don't, I
don't understand it.Well, I dounderstand it. Actually, I can
understand being worried andstressed and wanting to continue
moving forward in your owncareer, but I don't understand
doing it at the expense ofothers. And so what if someone's
terrible, Well, unfortunately,that still happens. People can

(09:25):
still be pretty ruthless, itbecause you don't want to be
associated with someone who'sterrible who looks like you or
acts like you or sounds likeyou. So, again, they can be
undermined, they can not bementored appropriately, they
cannot be given information theycannot be given the teaching
that they need in order to avoidpitfalls or or avoid mistakes.
So all of those things amount tolooking at this person who's

(09:51):
trying to make their way who'sin this industry with you and
maybe a couple years behind,maybe the The same. It's not too
common that people try to dothis up. So if you give a boss
or a supervisor that's like youthat it's not terribly common to
try to undermine them that fromthat way, but it does happen. I
have been undermined by otherwomen on several occasions. And

(10:14):
I don't know that it wasnecessarily this, but I think it
was more of my personality. Butno matter what the reason,
undermining people because theyare like you, and you think they
don't deserve to attain thesuccess that they have achieved,
or that you have achieved, allof those are negative for both
you and for them, but also justfor your group, whatever that

(10:38):
might be at large. So why is ita problem? Well, first of all,
you guys know what I think aboutkarma. Be kind to people. I
think it's crappy, to add toanyone's difficulties in their
life difficulty in their job,especially if they're
underrepresented, if they'realready working their butt off
to get where they are, and thenyou keep it on, I think that's

(10:59):
terrible karma, I think thatwill come back on you. So I
think you should not do that.
But also your your judgement ofwho's like you might be wrong,
you might, you might think thatthey're being judged in the same
way or grouped with you. Andthat might be incorrect, they
may not be looked at the sameway you are, if you are a woman

(11:20):
of color, and they are a whitewoman, or vice versa, or you are
a black man, and they are ablack woman, you may see
similarities where other peopledon't. And so it's obviously
it's negative either way, but ifother people don't see the
similarities, you're just somejerk that's undermining somebody
for no reason. So not thatthere's reason otherwise. But it

(11:43):
looks even more random if youstart doing it. And other people
don't see the same association,the order or don't create the
same association that you do.
But if you're right, and one ofthe worst things to me is that
it can really reinforce negativestereotypes. I mean, part of the
reason that stereotypes are sucha problem is because they don't
allow us to be assessed andevaluated on our own merits,

(12:07):
they put us in this group, theygive us a label, and they don't
let us see that it's Mary, thatI'm Mary. I'm not a woman that
looks like this, or is this tallor speaks these languages, I'm
Mary. You have to look at me inthose light in that light. But
if you start reinforcingstereotypes, it makes it that
much easier for people who areignorant, or who don't have as

(12:29):
much experience with people likeyou, or who are just lazy, it
makes it easy for them to groupyou together. and not have to
think about you as individuals.
And I think that's a terribledisservice to both you and the
other person. But it also missesan opportunity, so many
opportunities, but formentorship, for networking,
whether, regardless of therelationship, whether they're

(12:51):
above or below you in thehierarchy, there's opportunities
for networking, and mentorshipall the time, and just having a
support system. Now, most of uswould love to have someone like
us to talk to someone who has asimilar experience. I know like
two other female orthopaedicsurgeons that I could reach out
to and say, Hey, I have aquestion. And there are others

(13:12):
that I you know, I know a fewothers, but there just aren't
that many in in, at least in theAir Force anymore. And that's
kind of lonely sometimes. Youknow, certainly I have other
female officer friends, femaledoctor, friends, male,
orthopaedic surgeons, all thosethings. But having someone who
has your exact experience or isclose to it, obviously, we all

(13:33):
have our unique experiences. Butas close to it as possible.
There's not a lot of substitutesfor that. And so why you would
throw away that opportunity I donot understand.
But also, it hurts theadvancement of whatever group
that you represent. Andobviously, as I said, we don't
like labels, we would love it ifwe're not labeled, we would love

(13:55):
it if we could just be thepeople that we are. But the fact
is, in many ways we are labeledbecause it is quick and easy.
And it is a shortcut for thebrain. So when you do that, you
hurt the advancement of whateverit is be whoever you belong to
whatever group that you'reassociated with. Because the
more of us that there are in anygiven room, regardless of what

(14:18):
we look like what it regardlessof what it is, the more of us
there are, the more normal itis. And the more of us there are
at any level, the more availableto promote to the next one. So
if you keep people down at thelower levels, none of us will
ever reach the highest levels.
It is totally within your powerto affect your own advancement

(14:41):
in the advancement of peoplethat look like you by lifting up
and empowering the people aroundyou. As I said before, nobody
looks good, knocking someoneelse down a peg. It's always
it's never classy, there's noway to insult someone or to hurt
them and look Like a rock star,you always look like a jerk. But
man, it affects you too. Itaffects you, too, if you want to

(15:06):
rise you need, because I'll tellyou what, there's very few of us
that are that shining star thatget to go all the way up to the
top. And most most of us aregoing to be part of building
that pyramid.
So, I mean, if you're the personthat's going to be a shooting
star look good. But the rest ofus ought to be really proud to

(15:28):
be part of that next layer ofthe pyramid to push someone up
higher. So you need to thinkabout that. And again, even if
someone looks like you, or is ofthe same group that you identify
with, they still bring their ownexperiences, thoughts, ideals,
all of that. And so they'regoing to still bring a new point

(15:49):
of view to your organization. Sowhen we create teams, we want
visual, cultural and cognitivediversity, we want all of those
different voices in the room, sothat we can solve problems in a
more efficient way, we canattack bigger problems, and we
can come up with solutions thatare enduring and that they help
people. So you are hurting thatcause you're hurting the

(16:11):
efficiency of your organization,you're hurting your
productivity, if you areinhibiting people with new
points of view from being onyour team. And then finally, it
can ultimately prevent youradvancement, whether people buy
in or not. If you're the type ofperson that holds other people
down, for whatever reason,eventually comes back on it goes
back to my karma argument. Butstill, eventually, someone will

(16:34):
notice that you're not someonethat brings people up that
mentors that is pushing peopleforward. you're someone that
holds people down. And thosepeople, although they do get
ahead in some industries, andmany more industries, it's
becoming evident that that toxicleadership, that selfish
leadership is not palatable,people don't want to be around

(16:55):
it, they don't want to be led byit. They don't want to be
colleagues with people thatbehave that way. So you are
ultimately hurting yourself, ifyou go out of your way to keep
from mentoring others, or evento hold them down actively. So
what can we do about it? Well,to start off with, you need to
examine your own goals andmotives. Are you self motivated?

(17:17):
Or do you have altruistic orsocial motivation, if you are
truly self motivated, if youcare only about your own
advancement, and honestly, youdon't want to change, I do think
eventually it is going to holdyou back. But in the short term,
it may work, you may keepeveryone down, and you may be
able to hold on your on to yourposition and keep moving

(17:38):
forward. But if you care aboutthe group that you represent, or
your company or your team, thatit's never the right strategy to
do that, you shouldn't be tryingto help anyone move forward.
Regardless of what they looklike or how they act, you should
be trying to make them better,because that's what teammates
do. That's what leaders do. Andthen get a mentor and be a

(18:02):
mentor, whether this person isfollowing you in the same trail
or they're ahead of you, you canbe both a mentor and a mentee.
in any direction, mentorshipgoes up downside decide, it goes
every direction. So this personhas something to share. Because
even if they're following you,they are still seeing each
position at a different timethan you are. So your own

(18:25):
actions may impact how it goesforward. If you did a great job,
you may be setting the tone forthem to get the benefit of the
doubt. If there are things thatyou were not good at, you may be
setting the bar low, so theylook really good. But you
haven't gone through some of thestuff is actually going to
affect their path. So be amentor to them. But also let

(18:48):
them mentor you because they'reseeing things from a whole
different point of view. Andthen build them up and back them
up.
If they are like you, the samegroup, share some traits share
the same hometown, whatever itis, build them up and back them
up and help them when they feeldown, support them and make them

(19:11):
feel as though someone islistening and someone cares
about their struggles. And thenwhen something happens back them
up. So often when you're theonly or underrepresented you
have to put up with crap. And itwould be so nice to have someone
step to your defense. Now.
Ideally, someone of theoverrepresented group would step
two, your defense but that's notalways what happens. But the

(19:31):
more of us in the room, whostick together, regardless of
what it is, those voices becomeharder and harder to ignore.
When there's when, especiallywhen they're speaking up for
what's right. So build them up,help them get there and then
back them up when somethinghappens so they don't feel
alone. Now if they aren't good,which happens sometimes help

(19:53):
them help them. Don't let themjust suck. That's not That's not
good for anybody. Honestly, itreflects poorly on you, I have
had female medical students, onmy rotation do a bad job and
someone comes to me and likewhat's going on there? You know,
in in the military, I've hadmedics say dumb things in front

(20:14):
of line officers, and someonetakes me aside afterwards and
was like, man, how come yourmetrics are so dumb? Like, are
you serious, what I don't evenknow that person I. But that's
what happens. So you have tojust understand if they're not
good, help them. Maybe they'renot meant for your industry. And
so be maybe your mentorship ishelping them find their

(20:36):
strengths to help them make thatdecision. But if they're meant
to be in your industry, andthey're committed, then help
them find the tools that theyneed to succeed. If they are
good, make them better. Don'tjust make them better make them
better than you and poise thepeople behind you to go further
than you ever thought you couldgo. Because you know what, if

(20:57):
they don't pass you, thenthey're setting an amazing
foundation for you to continuemoving forward. But if they do,
first of all, that's awesome.
Second, think of the doors theycan open for someone who tried
to help them on their way up. Itall comes back, I'm telling you

(21:19):
do the right thing, becausekarma will get you, but let them
pass you if they're gonna passyou. I would love it if my
airman go further than I everdid. And I would love it if some
of my officers become generalofficers, that would be the
coolest thing mindless to go onto be chiefs, that would be the
freaking coolest thing. BecauseI had the opportunity to work

(21:39):
with some brilliant people thatI was so proud to know. It's,
it's only positive, it's onlygood for the world if we're all
smarter. And then moving on tothat. Look for ways to develop
and recruit people who weren'teven in your industry. Because
you know, what, if it's oneversus two, that's, that can be

(22:04):
a struggle. And I will tell you,as a woman, when there's two of
us, it can be very, like thechemistry is different. It's
just it can be really hardsometimes especially decide,
depending on the size of thegroup. Adding a third makes
things significantly easier,unless two of them gang up on
the third one. And that's notvery cool. But most of the time,
we don't do that. Or at least wedon't do it in front of people.

(22:27):
But you get to four. Andsuddenly it's just people. You
know, you've heard about tippingpoint, you know, Malcolm
Gladwell has a book. And there'sthere's a lot of theories about
getting the right number ofpeople in the 30%. And there's
there's a lot of numbers thatthey throw around, I will tell
you from small group experiencein the jobs that I've had where

(22:47):
I've been, I've been the only onlots and lots of occasions, four
is awesome. Three is pretty darngood, too, if you're besties is
also freaking awesome. Althoughthat can be difficult, because
whenever you have an idea, ifyour colleague backs you up,
people just hear, oh, the girlshave a thought instead of it
being another intelligent personwho also agreed with this

(23:10):
particular thought or theory. Sothat that can be a little bit of
a challenge. So three is nicefor that. But the more of us
there are whatever it is women,people of color, gay, trans,
whatever makes you unique andawesome. When there are more of
us, it is more normal. Whenthere are more of us, there is a

(23:32):
more robust layer to each levelof that pyramid, the more we get
to see ourselves represented inthe highest echelons of
leadership. And the closer weall get to finding success.
Okay, so you're like, Coolstory, bro. That's what to do if
I am the jerk. But what if Iwork with the jerk? That is a
fair question. So what if youare the victim of someone with a

(23:56):
Highlander mentality? That isreally difficult, especially
because usually they have alittle bit more power in the
situation than you do. So whatdo you do? The first thing is to
reach out to them. Now, it maynot be intentional, they may be
subconsciously during thesethings because of an insecurity
that they're not even consciousof. So bringing it out in the

(24:17):
open may actually build lines ofcommunication. Or it may put
them on the defensive or theymight be doing it on purpose, in
which case it doesn't help. Buttrying to confront it directly
is what adults do. So it'sworthwhile to try to meet with
them and see if there'ssomething that you've done, that
might be upsetting them. Andhonestly, it could be something
else, maybe you did somethingreal dumb and they're really

(24:37):
upset and you have no idea. Soit's worthwhile to try to open
that line of communication.
Let's say it doesn't work, it'snot effective. The next thing is
expand your circle, both in yourindustry and outside. So find
mentors who look like you orhave had similar experiences. We
know that each year we make alittle bit of progress. So our

(24:58):
The one before us had a prettyrough time. And most of them
have perspectives on how to getthrough it. So that information
can absolutely be invaluable asyou try to move forward. But
also, in your job, expand yourcircle, even if you're the only
or there's two or three. Don'tworry about just talking to
people who look like you get toknow everyone build up your

(25:21):
credibility, build up your team,because then if someone is
trying to unfairly attack you orundermine you, you'll actually
have people that are willing tostep up. So the better you are
on that team, the more you tryto be the good person that you
know you are, the more effectiveit'll be in general, and the
harder it will be for someoneelse to take you down.

(25:42):
Next, make sure you take thehigh road, I'm never going to
stop saying it, I think it's theright thing to do. Don't let
someone drag you into the mudwith them. If someone's gonna
say or do ugly things, don't dothem back. There's no way to do
that and look classy, there's noway to look good when you're
insulting somebody, so don't doit. Try not to gossip, try not

(26:02):
to complain too much. Just keepyour head up and keep moving
forward. Now. If they do thingsthat are truly inappropriate,
please use the channels that areavailable to you use your
supervisor, or theirs. If it isyour supervisor, use the person
above them. But use appropriatechannels if the behavior is out
of control. But if it's notsomething that's actually
against the rules, take the highroad, keep your head up and do

(26:25):
not be petty. And then finally,keep on being a badass. The
absolute best revenge for peoplethat want to see you fail, is to
succeed. marvelously. I willtell you, there's nothing like
the look on someone's face whenthey didn't believe in you and
you kick ass. So keep on doingyour best. Keep on moving

(26:45):
forward, and keep on being thebadass that I know you are. So
this week, take some timelooking at the people around
you. Is there someone that youcan mentor? Is there someone
that is coming behind you thatyou think has potential and if
there is reach out, drop them aline and see how they're doing.

(27:10):
Maybe they don't need a mentorright now. But just opening that
line of communication can makeit a little bit easier if they
do it. Maybe they just need asounding board or a friend or
whatever it is. We've talked somuch about finding mentors, but
now it's time to be one.
So that's been our discussion ofabolishing the Highlander

(27:32):
mentality on level the pursuit.
If you liked the discussion,please give it a LIKE, SUBSCRIBE
or share with a friend. If youdidn't drop me a note and tell
me what I could do better. Nextweek, we're going to talk to de
man, she's going to tell usabout being a bombshell and what
it's like to find your purpose.
Don't forget to find someone tomentor this week. And when you

(27:55):
do, head over to www.leveltheprsuit.com and share your insig
ts and your successes. I can'twait to learn from your thoug
ts. Thanks again for joinig Level the Pursuit. Well, we ca
't choose where we start. We cachoose our dreams and how we pu
sue them. Remember, succes is a team sport and there
s room for all of us to achiee our goals. So be a good leade
. Be a good follower. And Do Smething Grea