March 3, 2021 • 43 mins
When we are focused on achieving and moving forward, we can forget to take a moment for ourselves. Today, we speak with author, educator, mom, Air Force officer, and all around badass Dr Stephanie Wilson about forgiving ourselves, being grateful for our successes, and giving ourselves a little grace.
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Episode Transcript
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LTP (00:07):
In the race to success, we're not all starting from the
same place. Level the Pursuitseeks to fill in the gaps and
provide accessible bite sizedleadership lessons for anyone
looking to improve their skillsand prepare for the next step.
whatever that might be. What'sup, peeps, I hope you're having
an absolutely fantastic week.
Last week, we had the privilegeof talking to Lieutenant Nick
Palczer, a firefighter turnednurse who's doing his best to
(00:30):
bring humanity and care into hissupervisory roles. This week, we
have the privilege of talking toDr. Stephanie Wilson, who is
people believe me a dynamo. Notonly is she a munitions
maintenance officer, whichbasically means she's in charge
of some of the most importantthings that we have in our
country for protectingourselves. But she's also been a
(00:51):
commander a couple of times,which she rocked. She's a
motivational speaker. Sheteaches leadership. She wrote a
children's book, she's a wife, amom of four amazing kids. Oh,
and by the way, in her sparetime, she got a doctorate in
psychology, so pretty much allaround badass. So it's a real
privilege to have her heretoday. But today, we're gonna
(01:12):
talk about her journey and someof the things she's found in the
way that she views leadershipand taking care of yourself
first, this week, look atyourself, appreciate yourself,
if there's something that you'rehaving a hard time with, unless
it's something that's illegal,immoral, unethical or unsafe.
Take a break. And give yourselfa little grace.
(01:41):
Stephanie, Dr. Wilson, it issuch a pleasure to have you
today. Thank you so much forbeing here.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (01:47):
Thank you for having me.
LTP (01:49):
So obviously, you have an amazing background, amazing
experience and so much to share,can you tell us a little bit
about your background and howyou came into leadership
training, and how all of thathas come together to where you
are right now.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (02:06):
So I'm happy to say I'm the daughter of
military officers, both of themmy parents were able to serve.
And I watched them. And Iwatched how they lead. And I was
like, I want to be in charge.
Because I should be in charge ofsomething. And those leadership
skills came out as a little kid.
(02:26):
And luckily, my parents embracedit. And so as I got older, and I
started looking at how muchschool cost. And at the time, I
wanted to be a pediatrician inthe military, I wanted to take
care of the children who tookcare of the people who took care
of us. And then I had my firstbiochemistry class in college,
(02:48):
and realized that maybe I shouldadjust that dream. Because that
was not my forte. But I stillloved leading, and I love
science. And I love thinkingkind of in that way. I was
assigned my career field in themilitary, I did not really get
to pick it. And I was grumpy. Iwas show grumpy because I
(03:13):
believe in supporting thetrades, because I don't maintain
and fix things. And so when thestuff came that I was now in
charge of maintainers. All Icould think of was You dirty
oil, oh, this is gonna behorrible. But it actually fed my
leadership abilities. Because asthe officer side, I'm not really
(03:36):
the Dewar, I'm the one thatmakes sure that all of those
people are taken care of.
They've got the stuff they needto do that I can answer the
questions they need answeredwhile they're taking care of
business day by day. And I lovedit because it fed my inquisitive
mind cuz I got to be nosy. Ihave to know what all the
different places around bass doin order to help my peeps. And
(03:57):
that moment, that first momentwhere what you say makes a
difference in someone's life.
That was the rush. And so I fedinto that, and leaned into it or
all the other words that wecould possibly use and went and
got my doctorate inorganizational leadership. And I
(04:17):
wanted to focus in on change. Tome, things only change through
dream, or disaster. And I wantedmore things to change via dream,
and to make it more deliberateand logical, and lead in a way
that we could dream that wecould prevent disaster. And so
that's kind of how I got towhere I am today.
LTP (04:38):
That's awesome. I gotta say you have a wonderful husband and
four children and you balancedthat while working and getting a
doctorate. That's prettyamazing. I mean, how many times
did you want to give up? Did youever want to get up?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (04:54):
Every two weeks; every time I wanted to go
take a nap and throw my hands upin the air, especially in the
dissertation process. And forpeople who maybe haven't had
what I call that academichazing, that is the dissertation
process. It can take a lot outof you, it can take a lot to
(05:14):
hear someone look at the thing,you research the thing that was
your baby and say, Oh, baby,slightly ugly. You need to go
back and review that a littlemore. Have you thought about it
this way, or I would do it thisway. But to me, that's part of
gaining confidence and saying,Thank you for your opinion. I
(05:37):
did it this way. And this waywill work. So the process does
work a bit and making sure thatthings are straight, but it is
difficult, it is difficult tomanage. I have to thank my
husband for definitelysupporting my crazy dreams. And
he was the first one I think tomy dissertation.
LTP (05:56):
Nice. Did you have to learn that? You so you just said
something really fantastic ofaccepting that criticism,
internalizing it using it, butthen saying, No, you know what,
what I, I've given it thoughtand what I've done is actually
what I want to do. Did you haveto learn that? Or did you Have
you always been able to balanceaccepting criticism with going
(06:18):
because some people when theyaccept when they learn to accept
criticism, they take it withoutthinking about it? They're like,
Okay, I have to changeeverything. And it can be a
little bit of a journey to learnwhich parts you can fight for,
and which parts, you have tosay, Okay, yeah, they're right,
I need to change it. Did youhave to learn that? Or was that
something you always knew how todo?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (06:37):
Oh, I had to learn it. Mary, Mary, this
was not something that 18 to 19year old me at all I would, if
you gave me criticism, I wouldgo into my bubble of let me
rethink my entire life plan,because evidently, this is not
it. But as I have aged up, andgotten a little more experience,
(06:57):
I have learned to be as criticalthinking about criticism, as I
am at thinking about otherthings in my life. What is it?
Well, first, who did I get thisfeedback from? do I care? And
then also thinking, How can Itake in what they say, and make
(07:20):
me better for the next personwho meets me because sometimes
even the do I care and who isthis from might be just what you
were putting off that daybecause of different things that
were going on. And I have toaccept that. But I don't have to
own it as it being my character.
I can't say that that was a oneoff. It's not the foundation of
me, as long as I don't make it apattern. So I had to learn that
(07:42):
it's takes. And it's continuingto take time for me to do so.
But I can say that's one thingwith age that has made me I
think better, and a betterleader and a better mom, because
I've learned to say no to somethings. And yes,to others.
LTP (08:06):
That's awesome. I so I started out the opposite place.
And you know, I have an episodeon learning from hypocrites and
kind of understanding Do Ireally care what this person
thinks, but I was the oppositegrowing up, you know, like, this
person doesn't know anything.
They screw them like having todo it. Oh, you know, the bosses
I had. So then the pendulumswung where you get beat down,
and you take everything aspersonal and apparently I'm
(08:30):
terrible. I'm the worst ever.
And I need to change everything.
And I've just recently been ableto go back that I'm pretty good
the way I am. I can definitelyget better. And I have some
edges I can smooth but I don'thave to change every part of my
personality because someonemight not like it.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (08:48):
Exactly.
LTP (08:48):
And I that's a big, you know, that's a big journey. For
me. It was it is for everybody.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (08:54):
Same it's a big journey for me, too, Mary.
LTP (08:58):
So you in going through those ups and downs. You had to
have obviously, you've had someamazing successes, but you've
had some failures. So how didyou approach those did? I mean,
did you find that we talkedabout wanting to give up? But
how did you get over thosehurdles?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (09:18):
I have to go back to advice from my
parents. My mom was one of thepeople I'm very fortunate to
have a very passionate andopinionated mom, who is my
biggest cheerleader, but alsowill critique if necessary. And
she reminded me that it's okayto have the pity party. Put the
(09:40):
streamers up, get balloons, eatthe cake, have the pity party,
get it out. But then puteverything else away and get to
work. And so to me, that was anacknowledgment of that emotion,
that feeling. It's totally fineand it's mine. And so when I
really started having those lowmoments, and you're right I've
had I've had many. I recall,when I was pregnant with my
(10:05):
second child, I was in ColoradoSprings. And I was parked
outside the house, me and myhusband had just bought. And I
started getting theannouncements from my friends
who were getting their whitecoats, and had it off to, to
pursue their medical future. AndI sat there, and I burst out
crying, because I was not in ajob I liked. So I thought I was
(10:29):
not where I thought I would be.
So I thought, and I saw myfriends having the dream I'd
worked so hard to try to obtain,but it wasn't for me. And still,
I had my pity party. And I hadto realize it wasn't the road I
was meant to take. And that'sokay. Because the road that I'm
(10:53):
on, has gifted me with so much.
But in those low moments, Ithink you have to own or let's
just say more than the dreamthat you thought you might have,
in order for you to get over itto celebrate the dream you do
you have. And I think that'snatural. I think so many people
(11:14):
try to fight that and don't givethemselves the grace in that.
And it causes so much jealousy,it causes a lot of constant
internal consternation, andyou're not able to truly see,
and I'm going to use this word,the blessings that have come
from the road that you're on, orthe blessing that you have been
(11:35):
to others because you were onthat road. So acknowledging that
emotion, and just reveling in itfor a little while, and then
packing up my streamers in theballoons and getting getting on
with life. And knowing ifthere's a true change I want to
make, I have to be the one to doit.
LTP (11:54):
That's a great point. Um, I remember, you know, in medical
school, you have to take thesestep exams, they're huge, big
tests, right. And so you takethe first one after your second
year, and then you take thesecond one after your third
year, and then you take the lastpart in order to license the
physician United States afteryour intern year. So the first
year actually, I think they'retalking about getting away with
(12:17):
getting away from these tests,because of the impact of
standardized testing ondiversity and all that. But um,
but at the time, it was a hugedeal, huge deal. And doing well
on step one was a hugediscriminator in some of the
more competitive specialties.
And I tanked it, I did terribly.
(12:37):
And I convinced myself that mygrades were not that great
because I was working. And mostpeople don't work in that
school. That's nothing. And so Iconvinced myself that I was
doing fine. I was doingeverything I could, my grades
were just that's just not it'sjust not feasible to do better.
But I'm a very good standardizedtest taker. And so when I did
poorly on the test, I barelypassed it. I was like, okay, it
(13:01):
helped me realize I'm actuallynot doing everything I could
because I was doing everything Icould and the grades were
crappy, but I did good testing,then I know that I'm actually
internalizing, it's just I can'tkeep up with the workload with
the job. But I didn't. And I didso poorly that I was pretty sure
it made the opportunity for meto go into orthopedics
(13:23):
incredibly far away. So the dayI got those results, we were out
with friends. And one of myclosest friends comes up to me
so excited that she's goingshe's decided she's going to
become a nurse which is awesome.
And I did not reactappropriately to her I was not
(13:43):
excited enough for her because Iwas carrying this fear for my
future this disappointed inmyself all this stuff. And she
let me have it about what aterrible and and that was one of
those moments that you know, thefact that I internalize things I
(14:04):
hadn't shared my disappointmentwith anyone. And I hadn't. I
wasn't I was I'm not a very youknow, I'm an outgoing obviously,
you know me I'm allowed anoutgoing person, but not about
everything. Like I control whichthings I talk about. And so it
was one of those things that itreally hit me that I didn't get
a chance to grieve my mydisappointment and my my fear
(14:29):
for my future. And then I wastaking it from someone else
harder. And so so I wonder, haveyou dealt with that where you
want to have your pity party andyet you know, you have to deal
with keeping someone else happyor someone else's disappointment
or just dealing with someoneelse's emotions. Have you found
(14:50):
yourself in that situation?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (14:53):
Oh, Mary.
So I find it interesting inthose that have no gone through
the military promotion system, Iwill give a brief explanation of
that joy and pain that can occuron the same day. So at certain
ranks, you get selected for thenext rank, but also selected for
school. And so while you'resuper excited that you have been
(15:15):
selected to go up in rank, youalso get this other little burn,
or at least Stephanie Wilsondid. Oh, but you're not good
enough, on this same day to gooff to the next level of
military education. And so youwatch some people, so people who
get those opportunities, and youthink to yourself, who is on
(15:40):
these boards? Did they not seethe fabulousness that is I and
what I was able to get done?
What is wrong with you people,but then you feel guilty on the
other side of but I'm beingpromoted? And it's not like it's
(16:03):
a one shot opportunity? Youknow, who are you behead, get
your life, right? But you'resitting there, and they pre
brief those who don't make don'tmake any of those promotions.
But they don't pre brief thosethat don't make school. And so
you're sitting with all thiscelebratory information. But
(16:23):
it's not, as I'm using airquotes that your listeners can't
see, as celebratory as those whogot both. And you want to be so
happy for them. But sometimes,and I think it's natural, or at
least it was natural for me. Sopardon me for being jealous
having that green eyed monsterand being jealous to be, well,
(16:46):
what did I miss? What meetingwhat, what job, because I try to
remind people that when we saydo the best job in the job
you're in, I'm doing the bestjob in the job you gave me. And
so I can't be a killer pilot,cuz that's not my job. I can't
(17:13):
be this person over here savingfantastic lives and medical,
that's not my job. My job was totake this paper from 900 pages
and dissect it down to 10. Andthen one so that budgets could
be determined, and people couldunderstand what we do. And if I
(17:35):
did my job, well, money showedup for our airmen for our
mission. And so I had to relearnwhere I found my joy. Did I find
my joy on the day those listscame out? Yes, I did find some
joy in that Not gonna lie. Butwhat would was what would
(17:57):
sustain me was the fact thatbecause of my work, this was
able to occur. And I had to leanon that. And those moments where
that green eyed monster was justsitting on my shoulder like,
Girl, you see him over there,all excited.
LTP (18:15):
And he ain't even that smart.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (18:19):
Right? That could have been you, if you just
if you just blank. And whateverthat blank is, if you just blank
what is that blank for people?
To me, I believe that my familyneeds to come high up on the
list. I don't always demonstratethat. I don't always do it. But
(18:40):
I try really hard. And as I'vegotten older that saying no
thing has gotten a lot easier.
As I am respecting my time andmyself. And I'm giving myself
grace, as I am pursuingexcellence. Where some days I do
(19:03):
just want to sit on the couchand veg out. Some days, I'm
going to go for that run. I'mgoing to eat wonderfully. I'm
going to drink the water. I'llhave days and days and days of
just being present physicallyand mentally. And everything is
going great. And then day eightwill show up and it's all you
need a nap. All that excellencehas sucked all of Stephanie
(19:28):
away. And I have to come backand recenter myself and give
myself permission to do it. Andwith that has come a lot more
comfort in other people'ssuccess because I'm looking at
success a little bitdifferently.
LTP (19:48):
That's freaking awesome.
You. When I was after my firstyear in command, I went to meet
with the Wing Commander to justsee how I was doing. I wasn't
worried. Got the strap, I wasn'tworried about school. And so I
mean, that sounds gonna happenor it wasn't like whatever. But
I just wanted to know like,what, what can I do better? What
am I? What is my Squadron doingfor the wing? that we could do
(20:11):
better? What are we not doingthat we should be doing? What
are we doing that we shouldn't,you know, that kind of thing
like what? And in a nutshell,the feedback or feedback was
you're doing fine, like nothingto change. And I mean, clearly,
clearly, we can, we can all getbetter. But that was not helpful
at all. Because a lot, it goes alot to what you're saying I was
doing the job I was given. Soyou can do your absolute best.
(20:36):
And if you know, my husband,Chris at the time was, he was
also in command doing hisabsolute best. But his squadron
has 500 and my Squadron has 130.
More More than likely, he'salways going to be better than
me on that scale. If even ifwe're absolutely equal, his
(20:57):
squadron is three times the sizeof mine. There's no comparison,
right? But that's, but that'swhat I have. So I can only do
it. And so I like your idea offocusing on those other things.
Because there are circumstanceswhere you are doing everything
possible with what you're given.
And you're doing well. But thesystem is just it's all all
positions, and all squadrons andall jobs are not created equal.
(21:22):
So you can be the best you thebest in your field, you've
everything and still not attainwhatever goal that you have
arbitrarily picked for yourselfor decided that is irrelevant,
you know. So I think that thatfinding that purpose in other
ways, is and I and I did thesame thing. I had to find that
other thing as well. And again,not worried about the numbers,
(21:46):
but worried about being the bestI could and not really sure how
to do that without withoutcomparing like, how do you?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (22:00):
A comparison is the thief of joy.
Right? We've heard that quotebefore, I think comparison is
the thief of joy. And so youhave to be it's normal. It's a
normal human thing, I think. AndI look to as a mom of four kids,
and I watch how I present rulesand punishment. Because that's
how we roll in this house that Ican't look for things to be
(22:25):
equal, I have to look forparody. And so I'm really
working with my kiddos to stinkto themselves. parody, right?
Because I remember in highschool getting grumpy, because a
young lady who had a kid and alower GPA, got a lot more
(22:46):
scholarship money from anorganization than myself with
like a four point whatever. Ididn't have a kiddo I you know,
I was charged charging andpresident vice president and the
wing, you know, cadet WingCommander and my little j rod c
unit, you know, tell me nothing.
And I remember being sat downsaying you can't look at it as
an equitable distribution.
(23:08):
Because it's not fair. Wherethis individual is coming from,
it's not the same place you'recoming from. They have a greater
need at this point in time, thenyou ever will. And it was like,
oh, my goodness girl. How dareyou? Not how did I miss that I
missed it because I was lookingfor equality when I should have
(23:30):
been looking for parody. Andsometimes we get those mixed up
and it steals our joy, it stealsthe joy of what we are being
able to accomplish and get done.
Now, I'm not saying that somesystems aren't set up to make
that more difficult at times.
But what I am saying issometimes we have to take a step
(23:52):
back and wonder if the problemthe relation in the relationship
is truly us. And how we arelooking at the situation. And
even how we approach itmentally, physically,
emotionally, and how that isbeing pushed out to others.
Because if we have that in ourhead, and and Mary we've met I
(24:14):
talked with my face, don't everplay poker with me. Listeners
Don't ever do it.
LTP (24:18):
No, you should because we want all your money.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (24:21):
All my money. Gone. Exactly. And you
have to be careful with that.
Because for me, I would hate tohave to put a mask on every time
I came into work. That's notwhat we need, especially in this
environment where we want to beinclusive, and we want people to
belong. And we want work to be ahealthy place for individuals to
(24:43):
want to bring their best.
Because sometimes work is thesafest place for some people.
Unfortunately, just like schoolis sometimes the safest place
for some of our children. TheYMCA might be different safest
place for them after school andall of those different things.
(25:03):
These organizations should bementally healthy, with an
established structure in whichyou can move up and down. How
can you offer yourself grace ina system that doesn't see you
with grace? That's whereequality versus parody comes
into play to me?
LTP (25:22):
I can, I can definitely see that in talking about grace. I
wonder, do you think it's harderto give yourself Grace? when
other people are down on you, orwhen they're not? Because it
seems like maybe it'spersonality based. But if
everyone else is down on you,there can be a little bit of a
(25:42):
defensive thing where youactually kind of stick up for
yourself. But I feel like a lotof our hard chargers, you know,
our high speed, low dragpersonalities have a harder time
giving themselves grace whenpeople are on their side or when
they're not getting beat down.
What do you think about that?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (25:58):
I agree, the underdog philosophy of
success, right? I came from thebottom of hard charging, I'm
just gonna keep pushing. Andlook, now I've got a
cheerleading squad with me. AndI can't believe my mom worked
three jobs took care how did allthis all on their own, I can't
let them down. As a minorityfemale, I can't let the rest of
(26:21):
us down. Heck is just being afemale. I can't let the women
down. People fought for this.
They burned their bra. Let's go.
But what I think we have torealize is, I am sure every
single one of those people hadto eat at some point in time.
(26:42):
They had to go to bed, they hada laugh. And if you are holding
them up as the model, they spenttime with you at some point so
you could learn them. So thatyou'd want to be like them, not
just because of what you sawoutside, but what they brought
back and gifted you with theirheart. And I think you're
(27:05):
absolutely right. Sometimes, ifyou are on that staircase, that
ladder to success, it is so hardto say I need to rest on this
rung for a minute because it'sgotten steep I need anyway, lots
of water, some, some water, no,no water, I'm just going to be
here alone and afraid.
LTP (27:26):
Switch to wine.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (27:28):
Get you some vodka or something. But if
you don't rest, if you don'ttake that pause. When do you see
the sunsets? When do you seereally how high you've been able
to go? When do you get to thinkwhen do you have time to thank
those that are holding you up onthat ladder? Or brought you that
(27:54):
meal when you didn't have moneyfor that meal or time? What
about the hairdresser who stayeda little later, because they
knew you had a presentation orgraduation and made sure that
you looked as flawless as youcould for that great event and
(28:16):
gifted their talent to you. Ifyou don't give yourself grace,
you have no time for that kindof reflection, even in your
positive and negative responsesfor things. One of the books I
really enjoy reading was Whatbrought you here won't get you
there. And I love the title. Andbecause it marries so much with
(28:42):
what my grandmother was talkingabout with your little red
wagon. And if you had a decisionto make or something you were
going to carry and you came toher she's like, I don't know why
you're asking me that's yourwagon, you have to pull it. Very
wise words. But if you don'ttake a second and look back at
(29:04):
that wagon and go What am Ihanging on to? If you don't make
sure that it's clear of let'scall it the ghosts of bosses
past the goal of relationship.
Then what are you doing toyourself? I have a good friend.
I love her. And she lost over Ithink 180 pounds.
LTP (29:28):
Oh wow. Good job, friend!
Dr Stephanie Wilson (29:31):
Yeah, good job, friend. Lifestyle changes
and looking at herself one dayand saying I want to be
different than what I am today.
I'm fabulous. But I want to befabulous for a lot longer. And I
know in order to do that I'vegot to change my outward
appearance and my health. Andshe did it quietly. And her
decisions on how are hers. But Iremember her telling me once
(29:56):
when we were trying on clothes,I can't wear it. I'm a big girl.
And I'm like, Where? Where,where is that, because that's
not the you of this year. Thatmight have been you 10 years
ago. And so I think of thatimage of when you don't see
yourself the way you are today,I, I struggle with that I had a
(30:16):
major health issue a couple ofyears ago, as As you are aware,
Mary, and some days, I look inthe mirror and look at this body
that's had to be stitched backtogether. And it's not the body
that I worked so hard to getback in shape after babies. It's
not the one you see in themagazines at all with all the
scars, all the things. And Iremember as I was kind of having
(30:39):
my pity party, and not givingmyself grace, my amazing husband
looked at me and he said, Do youknow where people with those
scars normally are? They're nothere lying next to their spouse.
Every time I see those, babe, Ithank God for them. Because
(31:00):
you're here. And I think tomyself, I've got to meet this
person, because they lookinteresting. They look like they
have survived something. And youshould never be ashamed of
showing your battle scars. Butif I didn't take that time to
maybe reflect and have that pityparty out loud, maybe I wouldn't
(31:23):
have gotten a little bit ofcheerleading that I didn't even
realize I need it in my mind.
And so I think that those thatare climbing and pushing and
striving are the ones who mostsometimes need to actually use
their vacation days. to actuallyuse time to think in the car, to
(31:49):
put down whatever electronic oreven take their electronic and
put it on something that makesthem laugh and feel just good
about life. And have that youknow that good. One of the
things about babies when theyhave that good belly chuckle
words.
LTP (32:05):
You have to laugh You cannot you cannot not laugh when
you hear that laugh,
Dr Stephanie Wilson (32:09):
right? Do that. Do that a couple of times.
And then walk past the mirrorand be like, yeah, my buddies
cute and cute. girls and guyslook in the mirror and be like
my butt is cute today. and offyou go. It'll be amazing. I
think let that what kind ofenergy that puts out in the
world, and allows you tocontinue that climb.
LTP (32:33):
So you said something just now that absolutely resonated me
with me. And I don't know why itsurprised me. But I never
thought of it quite this way.
You talked about taking time torecognize how far you've come.
And I think when people talkabout giving themselves grace,
it's really in in the context offorgiving yourself for messing
(32:54):
up. It's never, or at least I'venever thought of it in terms of
taking a moment to recognize howfar you've come and taking a
good look at where you aretoday. And being like damn, look
what I did. Look what I did.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (33:16):
Yeah, I think a lot of people think of
grace. definitely give yourselfgrace when you make an error or
miss day to make yourselfbetter. But in that you need to
look around, look around, lookat what you've been able to
accomplish. Look what you'reabout to accomplish. Sometimes I
think the most tasty part oflife is right when you're on
(33:39):
that precipice, right whenyou're at that end, and it's
tasty for the people watchingyou too, because we're like, oh,
they're gonna they're gonnastick the lady. You know,
they're about to make that shot.
That's why everyone's breathstops as an athlete takes that
basketball shot. And we justwatch that ball and part of the
(34:00):
crowd like part of the crowdlike, but you don't know yet. It
triggers cat. Is it alive? We goexciting, right? But if you
don't take a moment whether youmissed that shot, or whether you
got it to say, at least I hadthe chance to take it. I worked
(34:24):
my butt off to get the chance totake that shot. How cool am I?
How cool are the people who letme couch surf? How cool are
those friends who called me onmy mess? How cool is that? ally?
That ally who brought up my nameand a meeting that I didn't even
(34:49):
know took place. How cool wasthat? So yeah,
LTP (34:59):
that is awesome. I love that. I love that. Thank you for
all of that. You, you just kindof alluded to it with your last
comments, but I'm thinking backto you talking about the amazing
James. And you know, we joke,you joked about the pity party,
I think most of us have heardthe phrase and talked about it.
(35:19):
But why don't you just said kindof maybe think of it in a
different way? If it's okay, ifit is a little bit of a party,
you can invite a couple people,because when we think about pity
party, we think about sitting onthe couch with a pint of Ben and
Jerry's, right, you know, likenot like hiding, hiding, hiding
from everybody yourself. Andjust, but I think having someone
that you trust and love andinviting them into that party a
(35:41):
little bit, and sharing it withthem and letting them party with
you a little bit and then moveyou out of it. I think that's so
key. And I think what ablessing.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (35:51):
Yeah, it's a party if you don't bring a
friend at a party that. Sodefinitely, you're absolutely
right. And I'm very fortunatethat I have a husband who's my
friend, but I'll be very clear,he is not my best friend,
because he can't be everything.
To me. My best friends, I willsay are really really good at
calling each other in the midstof crazy craziness. And and we
(36:15):
will say do you want me to solveor are we going to wallow in
this together? And once again,it's something we've learned
through almost 10 years offriendship.
LTP (36:32):
You're 29 years old, right?
So it's totally, totally,
Unknown (36:36):
It's a totally different box if you're 29. Um,
but it's something that has beenlearned. It's not something that
I think we came to naturally Iwish someone had told me, it's
okay to invite a friend to mypity party. I wouldn't while
have wallowed by myself, I thinkas long as I had as a team, I
(36:57):
would have learned that everyonethinks their mom is crazy, I
would have loved at Acmehappens, everyone, I would have
learned that feeling unsure andunconfident and sometimes
confused, is natural and normaland doesn't go away. And 98% of
us are winging it 98% of thetime, and never trust
(37:20):
statistics. So all of thosethings I would have learned if I
had invited a friend, so thatpity party earlier, I am very
fortunate to have the amazingJames and we met very young in
my life. And so he has learnedmy facial expressions, or when
I'm about to kind of go down aroad, that's not the best for
(37:40):
me. And I can only do it kind ofbehind closed doors with him.
Because I don't want to modelimproper behavior in front of
these young ones I am learningand teaching Now that's not to
say that they don't get theemotions, the full emotional
range of their mother. I wantthem to know they are powerful.
(38:01):
And when they need to gain arecharge, that home is where
they can always come. I wantthem to know and find beauty in
themselves. I wrote a small postonce where I remember distinctly
being upset about my baby fatand feeling all mushy. And my
friend who cannot have childrensaid I would wish every day to
(38:24):
be fussing about having a littleextra fat because I had a baby.
I looked at my daughter as sherubbed her Big Buddha belly
after having a full meal. And Irealized why am I fussing about
bloat when I have food on mytable that can fill me that and
(38:44):
she was like I have a big fullbelly. And all I can think of
was when do we lose that? Whendo we lose the love of a full
belly. The love of us being alittle different having those
freckles. The mole I have a moleon my neck. I'm like this is
(39:06):
weird. My husband thinks it'sone of the most beautiful
things. When we figure out ourbaby toe is I'm a runner, so I
lose my baby toenail randomly.
Very sexy, super hot. But it'spart of what keeps me healthy.
What keeps me sane, sometimesthat meditation of just kind of
running or cycling. And so whenI look at it, I see it's the
(39:26):
pursuit of strength. It's notit's not a defect. It's not
something wrong. And so whenthose things when that hangnail
when those things occur, why nottell a friend who might be about
to fall off? I must have beenrunning some miles. Yeah, girl,
get some new sneakers. We'll seehow your fast fast shoes work
next week. You know, all ofthose things that help you feel
(39:48):
better, is giving yourselfgrace. Because we are human. I
know it's shocking. We're human.
Not a one of us is perfect. I'llprobably go downstairs and say
something inappropriate in frontof my kids and about 1520
minutes. I remind myself, I amhelping therapists get their
(40:10):
money later on in life. So ifyou can't Yeah, I mean, it's
already paying for it board.
Yeah. So. But all of that isjust grace. And we have to allow
ourselves space for that. And ifwe can bring a buddy so that we
are not, because we're not alonein this ever. We're not alone in
this.
LTP (40:29):
I love that stuff. So last question. If you could give
advice to 17 year oldStephanie, looking forward to
this amazing life of munitionsmaintenance. What advice would
(40:49):
you give?
Unknown (40:53):
I gave her two pieces of advice. The first one
the short skirt. Wear that skirtgirl. The second one? It'll be
okay. Relax. It'll be okay.
Because I don't think 17 yearold me truly appreciated the
(41:13):
precipice of where she was, andhow strong she was. Yeah.
LTP (41:26):
I love it stuff. Thank you so much for being with me today.
I really enjoyed ourconversation. And I hope you'll
come back.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (41:34):
Anytime.
Anytime. Thank you, Mary.
LTP (41:38):
So peeps, I know you've all been kicking butt doing great
things and pushing forward everyday. But this week, take a
breather. Take some time tothink about all of the things
that you've accomplished and tobe grateful for the
opportunities you've had. Ifthere are things you're working
on, you don't have to give upcompletely. But don't beat
(41:59):
yourself up. If you have asetback here and there. Give
yourself a break and understandthat all good habits take time.
But it's okay if you fall offnow. And then forgive yourself
for things that you've done toyourself and things you've done
to others. We all make mistakes,and we're all growing and
learning. And finally, as youlook at everything that you're
(42:22):
trying to accomplish, and allthe great things you've already
done, give yourself a little.
So that's been our discussion ofgiving yourself grace with Dr.
Stephanie Wilson. I hope youenjoyed the discussion. If you
did, please give it a LIKE,SUBSCRIBE or share with a
friend. If not, please drop me anote on what I could do better.
(42:44):
Don't forget to take some timethis week to give yourself some
grace. And if you have somethingyou'd like to share, head over
to www dot level the pursuitcomm and share your insights and
your successes. I can't wait tolearn from your thoughts. Thanks
again for joining level thepursuit. Well, we can't choose
where we start. We can chooseour dreams and how we pursue
them. Remember, success is ateam sport and there's room for
(43:06):
all of us to achieve our goals.
So be a good leader. Be a goodfollower and Do Something Great
In the race to success, we're not all starting from the
same place. Level the Pursuitseeks to fill in the gaps and
provide accessible bite sizedleadership lessons for anyone
looking to improve their skillsand prepare for the next step.
whatever that might be. What'sup, peeps, I hope you're having
an absolutely fantastic week.
Last week, we had the privilegeof talking to Lieutenant Nick
Palczer, a firefighter turnednurse who's doing his best to
(00:30):
bring humanity and care into hissupervisory roles. This week, we
have the privilege of talking toDr. Stephanie Wilson, who is
people believe me a dynamo. Notonly is she a munitions
maintenance officer, whichbasically means she's in charge
of some of the most importantthings that we have in our
country for protectingourselves. But she's also been a
(00:51):
commander a couple of times,which she rocked. She's a
motivational speaker. Sheteaches leadership. She wrote a
children's book, she's a wife, amom of four amazing kids. Oh,
and by the way, in her sparetime, she got a doctorate in
psychology, so pretty much allaround badass. So it's a real
privilege to have her heretoday. But today, we're gonna
(01:12):
talk about her journey and someof the things she's found in the
way that she views leadershipand taking care of yourself
first, this week, look atyourself, appreciate yourself,
if there's something that you'rehaving a hard time with, unless
it's something that's illegal,immoral, unethical or unsafe.
Take a break. And give yourselfa little grace.
(01:41):
Stephanie, Dr. Wilson, it issuch a pleasure to have you
today. Thank you so much forbeing here.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (01:47):
Thank you for having me.
LTP (01:49):
So obviously, you have an amazing background, amazing
experience and so much to share,can you tell us a little bit
about your background and howyou came into leadership
training, and how all of thathas come together to where you
are right now.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (02:06):
So I'm happy to say I'm the daughter of
military officers, both of themmy parents were able to serve.
And I watched them. And Iwatched how they lead. And I was
like, I want to be in charge.
Because I should be in charge ofsomething. And those leadership
skills came out as a little kid.
(02:26):
And luckily, my parents embracedit. And so as I got older, and I
started looking at how muchschool cost. And at the time, I
wanted to be a pediatrician inthe military, I wanted to take
care of the children who tookcare of the people who took care
of us. And then I had my firstbiochemistry class in college,
(02:48):
and realized that maybe I shouldadjust that dream. Because that
was not my forte. But I stillloved leading, and I love
science. And I love thinkingkind of in that way. I was
assigned my career field in themilitary, I did not really get
to pick it. And I was grumpy. Iwas show grumpy because I
(03:13):
believe in supporting thetrades, because I don't maintain
and fix things. And so when thestuff came that I was now in
charge of maintainers. All Icould think of was You dirty
oil, oh, this is gonna behorrible. But it actually fed my
leadership abilities. Because asthe officer side, I'm not really
(03:36):
the Dewar, I'm the one thatmakes sure that all of those
people are taken care of.
They've got the stuff they needto do that I can answer the
questions they need answeredwhile they're taking care of
business day by day. And I lovedit because it fed my inquisitive
mind cuz I got to be nosy. Ihave to know what all the
different places around bass doin order to help my peeps. And
(03:57):
that moment, that first momentwhere what you say makes a
difference in someone's life.
That was the rush. And so I fedinto that, and leaned into it or
all the other words that wecould possibly use and went and
got my doctorate inorganizational leadership. And I
(04:17):
wanted to focus in on change. Tome, things only change through
dream, or disaster. And I wantedmore things to change via dream,
and to make it more deliberateand logical, and lead in a way
that we could dream that wecould prevent disaster. And so
that's kind of how I got towhere I am today.
LTP (04:38):
That's awesome. I gotta say you have a wonderful husband and
four children and you balancedthat while working and getting a
doctorate. That's prettyamazing. I mean, how many times
did you want to give up? Did youever want to get up?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (04:54):
Every two weeks; every time I wanted to go
take a nap and throw my hands upin the air, especially in the
dissertation process. And forpeople who maybe haven't had
what I call that academichazing, that is the dissertation
process. It can take a lot outof you, it can take a lot to
(05:14):
hear someone look at the thing,you research the thing that was
your baby and say, Oh, baby,slightly ugly. You need to go
back and review that a littlemore. Have you thought about it
this way, or I would do it thisway. But to me, that's part of
gaining confidence and saying,Thank you for your opinion. I
(05:37):
did it this way. And this waywill work. So the process does
work a bit and making sure thatthings are straight, but it is
difficult, it is difficult tomanage. I have to thank my
husband for definitelysupporting my crazy dreams. And
he was the first one I think tomy dissertation.
LTP (05:56):
Nice. Did you have to learn that? You so you just said
something really fantastic ofaccepting that criticism,
internalizing it using it, butthen saying, No, you know what,
what I, I've given it thoughtand what I've done is actually
what I want to do. Did you haveto learn that? Or did you Have
you always been able to balanceaccepting criticism with going
(06:18):
because some people when theyaccept when they learn to accept
criticism, they take it withoutthinking about it? They're like,
Okay, I have to changeeverything. And it can be a
little bit of a journey to learnwhich parts you can fight for,
and which parts, you have tosay, Okay, yeah, they're right,
I need to change it. Did youhave to learn that? Or was that
something you always knew how todo?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (06:37):
Oh, I had to learn it. Mary, Mary, this
was not something that 18 to 19year old me at all I would, if
you gave me criticism, I wouldgo into my bubble of let me
rethink my entire life plan,because evidently, this is not
it. But as I have aged up, andgotten a little more experience,
(06:57):
I have learned to be as criticalthinking about criticism, as I
am at thinking about otherthings in my life. What is it?
Well, first, who did I get thisfeedback from? do I care? And
then also thinking, How can Itake in what they say, and make
(07:20):
me better for the next personwho meets me because sometimes
even the do I care and who isthis from might be just what you
were putting off that daybecause of different things that
were going on. And I have toaccept that. But I don't have to
own it as it being my character.
I can't say that that was a oneoff. It's not the foundation of
me, as long as I don't make it apattern. So I had to learn that
(07:42):
it's takes. And it's continuingto take time for me to do so.
But I can say that's one thingwith age that has made me I
think better, and a betterleader and a better mom, because
I've learned to say no to somethings. And yes,to others.
LTP (08:06):
That's awesome. I so I started out the opposite place.
And you know, I have an episodeon learning from hypocrites and
kind of understanding Do Ireally care what this person
thinks, but I was the oppositegrowing up, you know, like, this
person doesn't know anything.
They screw them like having todo it. Oh, you know, the bosses
I had. So then the pendulumswung where you get beat down,
and you take everything aspersonal and apparently I'm
(08:30):
terrible. I'm the worst ever.
And I need to change everything.
And I've just recently been ableto go back that I'm pretty good
the way I am. I can definitelyget better. And I have some
edges I can smooth but I don'thave to change every part of my
personality because someonemight not like it.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (08:48):
Exactly.
LTP (08:48):
And I that's a big, you know, that's a big journey. For
me. It was it is for everybody.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (08:54):
Same it's a big journey for me, too, Mary.
LTP (08:58):
So you in going through those ups and downs. You had to
have obviously, you've had someamazing successes, but you've
had some failures. So how didyou approach those did? I mean,
did you find that we talkedabout wanting to give up? But
how did you get over thosehurdles?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (09:18):
I have to go back to advice from my
parents. My mom was one of thepeople I'm very fortunate to
have a very passionate andopinionated mom, who is my
biggest cheerleader, but alsowill critique if necessary. And
she reminded me that it's okayto have the pity party. Put the
(09:40):
streamers up, get balloons, eatthe cake, have the pity party,
get it out. But then puteverything else away and get to
work. And so to me, that was anacknowledgment of that emotion,
that feeling. It's totally fineand it's mine. And so when I
really started having those lowmoments, and you're right I've
had I've had many. I recall,when I was pregnant with my
(10:05):
second child, I was in ColoradoSprings. And I was parked
outside the house, me and myhusband had just bought. And I
started getting theannouncements from my friends
who were getting their whitecoats, and had it off to, to
pursue their medical future. AndI sat there, and I burst out
crying, because I was not in ajob I liked. So I thought I was
(10:29):
not where I thought I would be.
So I thought, and I saw myfriends having the dream I'd
worked so hard to try to obtain,but it wasn't for me. And still,
I had my pity party. And I hadto realize it wasn't the road I
was meant to take. And that'sokay. Because the road that I'm
(10:53):
on, has gifted me with so much.
But in those low moments, Ithink you have to own or let's
just say more than the dreamthat you thought you might have,
in order for you to get over itto celebrate the dream you do
you have. And I think that'snatural. I think so many people
(11:14):
try to fight that and don't givethemselves the grace in that.
And it causes so much jealousy,it causes a lot of constant
internal consternation, andyou're not able to truly see,
and I'm going to use this word,the blessings that have come
from the road that you're on, orthe blessing that you have been
(11:35):
to others because you were onthat road. So acknowledging that
emotion, and just reveling in itfor a little while, and then
packing up my streamers in theballoons and getting getting on
with life. And knowing ifthere's a true change I want to
make, I have to be the one to doit.
LTP (11:54):
That's a great point. Um, I remember, you know, in medical
school, you have to take thesestep exams, they're huge, big
tests, right. And so you takethe first one after your second
year, and then you take thesecond one after your third
year, and then you take the lastpart in order to license the
physician United States afteryour intern year. So the first
year actually, I think they'retalking about getting away with
(12:17):
getting away from these tests,because of the impact of
standardized testing ondiversity and all that. But um,
but at the time, it was a hugedeal, huge deal. And doing well
on step one was a hugediscriminator in some of the
more competitive specialties.
And I tanked it, I did terribly.
(12:37):
And I convinced myself that mygrades were not that great
because I was working. And mostpeople don't work in that
school. That's nothing. And so Iconvinced myself that I was
doing fine. I was doingeverything I could, my grades
were just that's just not it'sjust not feasible to do better.
But I'm a very good standardizedtest taker. And so when I did
poorly on the test, I barelypassed it. I was like, okay, it
(13:01):
helped me realize I'm actuallynot doing everything I could
because I was doing everything Icould and the grades were
crappy, but I did good testing,then I know that I'm actually
internalizing, it's just I can'tkeep up with the workload with
the job. But I didn't. And I didso poorly that I was pretty sure
it made the opportunity for meto go into orthopedics
(13:23):
incredibly far away. So the dayI got those results, we were out
with friends. And one of myclosest friends comes up to me
so excited that she's goingshe's decided she's going to
become a nurse which is awesome.
And I did not reactappropriately to her I was not
(13:43):
excited enough for her because Iwas carrying this fear for my
future this disappointed inmyself all this stuff. And she
let me have it about what aterrible and and that was one of
those moments that you know, thefact that I internalize things I
(14:04):
hadn't shared my disappointmentwith anyone. And I hadn't. I
wasn't I was I'm not a very youknow, I'm an outgoing obviously,
you know me I'm allowed anoutgoing person, but not about
everything. Like I control whichthings I talk about. And so it
was one of those things that itreally hit me that I didn't get
a chance to grieve my mydisappointment and my my fear
(14:29):
for my future. And then I wastaking it from someone else
harder. And so so I wonder, haveyou dealt with that where you
want to have your pity party andyet you know, you have to deal
with keeping someone else happyor someone else's disappointment
or just dealing with someoneelse's emotions. Have you found
(14:50):
yourself in that situation?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (14:53):
Oh, Mary.
So I find it interesting inthose that have no gone through
the military promotion system, Iwill give a brief explanation of
that joy and pain that can occuron the same day. So at certain
ranks, you get selected for thenext rank, but also selected for
school. And so while you'resuper excited that you have been
(15:15):
selected to go up in rank, youalso get this other little burn,
or at least Stephanie Wilsondid. Oh, but you're not good
enough, on this same day to gooff to the next level of
military education. And so youwatch some people, so people who
get those opportunities, and youthink to yourself, who is on
(15:40):
these boards? Did they not seethe fabulousness that is I and
what I was able to get done?
What is wrong with you people,but then you feel guilty on the
other side of but I'm beingpromoted? And it's not like it's
(16:03):
a one shot opportunity? Youknow, who are you behead, get
your life, right? But you'resitting there, and they pre
brief those who don't make don'tmake any of those promotions.
But they don't pre brief thosethat don't make school. And so
you're sitting with all thiscelebratory information. But
(16:23):
it's not, as I'm using airquotes that your listeners can't
see, as celebratory as those whogot both. And you want to be so
happy for them. But sometimes,and I think it's natural, or at
least it was natural for me. Sopardon me for being jealous
having that green eyed monsterand being jealous to be, well,
(16:46):
what did I miss? What meetingwhat, what job, because I try to
remind people that when we saydo the best job in the job
you're in, I'm doing the bestjob in the job you gave me. And
so I can't be a killer pilot,cuz that's not my job. I can't
(17:13):
be this person over here savingfantastic lives and medical,
that's not my job. My job was totake this paper from 900 pages
and dissect it down to 10. Andthen one so that budgets could
be determined, and people couldunderstand what we do. And if I
(17:35):
did my job, well, money showedup for our airmen for our
mission. And so I had to relearnwhere I found my joy. Did I find
my joy on the day those listscame out? Yes, I did find some
joy in that Not gonna lie. Butwhat would was what would
(17:57):
sustain me was the fact thatbecause of my work, this was
able to occur. And I had to leanon that. And those moments where
that green eyed monster was justsitting on my shoulder like,
Girl, you see him over there,all excited.
LTP (18:15):
And he ain't even that smart.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (18:19):
Right? That could have been you, if you just
if you just blank. And whateverthat blank is, if you just blank
what is that blank for people?
To me, I believe that my familyneeds to come high up on the
list. I don't always demonstratethat. I don't always do it. But
(18:40):
I try really hard. And as I'vegotten older that saying no
thing has gotten a lot easier.
As I am respecting my time andmyself. And I'm giving myself
grace, as I am pursuingexcellence. Where some days I do
(19:03):
just want to sit on the couchand veg out. Some days, I'm
going to go for that run. I'mgoing to eat wonderfully. I'm
going to drink the water. I'llhave days and days and days of
just being present physicallyand mentally. And everything is
going great. And then day eightwill show up and it's all you
need a nap. All that excellencehas sucked all of Stephanie
(19:28):
away. And I have to come backand recenter myself and give
myself permission to do it. Andwith that has come a lot more
comfort in other people'ssuccess because I'm looking at
success a little bitdifferently.
LTP (19:48):
That's freaking awesome.
You. When I was after my firstyear in command, I went to meet
with the Wing Commander to justsee how I was doing. I wasn't
worried. Got the strap, I wasn'tworried about school. And so I
mean, that sounds gonna happenor it wasn't like whatever. But
I just wanted to know like,what, what can I do better? What
am I? What is my Squadron doingfor the wing? that we could do
(20:11):
better? What are we not doingthat we should be doing? What
are we doing that we shouldn't,you know, that kind of thing
like what? And in a nutshell,the feedback or feedback was
you're doing fine, like nothingto change. And I mean, clearly,
clearly, we can, we can all getbetter. But that was not helpful
at all. Because a lot, it goes alot to what you're saying I was
doing the job I was given. Soyou can do your absolute best.
(20:36):
And if you know, my husband,Chris at the time was, he was
also in command doing hisabsolute best. But his squadron
has 500 and my Squadron has 130.
More More than likely, he'salways going to be better than
me on that scale. If even ifwe're absolutely equal, his
(20:57):
squadron is three times the sizeof mine. There's no comparison,
right? But that's, but that'swhat I have. So I can only do
it. And so I like your idea offocusing on those other things.
Because there are circumstanceswhere you are doing everything
possible with what you're given.
And you're doing well. But thesystem is just it's all all
positions, and all squadrons andall jobs are not created equal.
(21:22):
So you can be the best you thebest in your field, you've
everything and still not attainwhatever goal that you have
arbitrarily picked for yourselfor decided that is irrelevant,
you know. So I think that thatfinding that purpose in other
ways, is and I and I did thesame thing. I had to find that
other thing as well. And again,not worried about the numbers,
(21:46):
but worried about being the bestI could and not really sure how
to do that without withoutcomparing like, how do you?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (22:00):
A comparison is the thief of joy.
Right? We've heard that quotebefore, I think comparison is
the thief of joy. And so youhave to be it's normal. It's a
normal human thing, I think. AndI look to as a mom of four kids,
and I watch how I present rulesand punishment. Because that's
how we roll in this house that Ican't look for things to be
(22:25):
equal, I have to look forparody. And so I'm really
working with my kiddos to stinkto themselves. parody, right?
Because I remember in highschool getting grumpy, because a
young lady who had a kid and alower GPA, got a lot more
(22:46):
scholarship money from anorganization than myself with
like a four point whatever. Ididn't have a kiddo I you know,
I was charged charging andpresident vice president and the
wing, you know, cadet WingCommander and my little j rod c
unit, you know, tell me nothing.
And I remember being sat downsaying you can't look at it as
an equitable distribution.
(23:08):
Because it's not fair. Wherethis individual is coming from,
it's not the same place you'recoming from. They have a greater
need at this point in time, thenyou ever will. And it was like,
oh, my goodness girl. How dareyou? Not how did I miss that I
missed it because I was lookingfor equality when I should have
(23:30):
been looking for parody. Andsometimes we get those mixed up
and it steals our joy, it stealsthe joy of what we are being
able to accomplish and get done.
Now, I'm not saying that somesystems aren't set up to make
that more difficult at times.
But what I am saying issometimes we have to take a step
(23:52):
back and wonder if the problemthe relation in the relationship
is truly us. And how we arelooking at the situation. And
even how we approach itmentally, physically,
emotionally, and how that isbeing pushed out to others.
Because if we have that in ourhead, and and Mary we've met I
(24:14):
talked with my face, don't everplay poker with me. Listeners
Don't ever do it.
LTP (24:18):
No, you should because we want all your money.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (24:21):
All my money. Gone. Exactly. And you
have to be careful with that.
Because for me, I would hate tohave to put a mask on every time
I came into work. That's notwhat we need, especially in this
environment where we want to beinclusive, and we want people to
belong. And we want work to be ahealthy place for individuals to
(24:43):
want to bring their best.
Because sometimes work is thesafest place for some people.
Unfortunately, just like schoolis sometimes the safest place
for some of our children. TheYMCA might be different safest
place for them after school andall of those different things.
(25:03):
These organizations should bementally healthy, with an
established structure in whichyou can move up and down. How
can you offer yourself grace ina system that doesn't see you
with grace? That's whereequality versus parody comes
into play to me?
LTP (25:22):
I can, I can definitely see that in talking about grace. I
wonder, do you think it's harderto give yourself Grace? when
other people are down on you, orwhen they're not? Because it
seems like maybe it'spersonality based. But if
everyone else is down on you,there can be a little bit of a
(25:42):
defensive thing where youactually kind of stick up for
yourself. But I feel like a lotof our hard chargers, you know,
our high speed, low dragpersonalities have a harder time
giving themselves grace whenpeople are on their side or when
they're not getting beat down.
What do you think about that?
Dr Stephanie Wilson (25:58):
I agree, the underdog philosophy of
success, right? I came from thebottom of hard charging, I'm
just gonna keep pushing. Andlook, now I've got a
cheerleading squad with me. AndI can't believe my mom worked
three jobs took care how did allthis all on their own, I can't
let them down. As a minorityfemale, I can't let the rest of
(26:21):
us down. Heck is just being afemale. I can't let the women
down. People fought for this.
They burned their bra. Let's go.
But what I think we have torealize is, I am sure every
single one of those people hadto eat at some point in time.
(26:42):
They had to go to bed, they hada laugh. And if you are holding
them up as the model, they spenttime with you at some point so
you could learn them. So thatyou'd want to be like them, not
just because of what you sawoutside, but what they brought
back and gifted you with theirheart. And I think you're
(27:05):
absolutely right. Sometimes, ifyou are on that staircase, that
ladder to success, it is so hardto say I need to rest on this
rung for a minute because it'sgotten steep I need anyway, lots
of water, some, some water, no,no water, I'm just going to be
here alone and afraid.
LTP (27:26):
Switch to wine.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (27:28):
Get you some vodka or something. But if
you don't rest, if you don'ttake that pause. When do you see
the sunsets? When do you seereally how high you've been able
to go? When do you get to thinkwhen do you have time to thank
those that are holding you up onthat ladder? Or brought you that
(27:54):
meal when you didn't have moneyfor that meal or time? What
about the hairdresser who stayeda little later, because they
knew you had a presentation orgraduation and made sure that
you looked as flawless as youcould for that great event and
(28:16):
gifted their talent to you. Ifyou don't give yourself grace,
you have no time for that kindof reflection, even in your
positive and negative responsesfor things. One of the books I
really enjoy reading was Whatbrought you here won't get you
there. And I love the title. Andbecause it marries so much with
(28:42):
what my grandmother was talkingabout with your little red
wagon. And if you had a decisionto make or something you were
going to carry and you came toher she's like, I don't know why
you're asking me that's yourwagon, you have to pull it. Very
wise words. But if you don'ttake a second and look back at
(29:04):
that wagon and go What am Ihanging on to? If you don't make
sure that it's clear of let'scall it the ghosts of bosses
past the goal of relationship.
Then what are you doing toyourself? I have a good friend.
I love her. And she lost over Ithink 180 pounds.
LTP (29:28):
Oh wow. Good job, friend!
Dr Stephanie Wilson (29:31):
Yeah, good job, friend. Lifestyle changes
and looking at herself one dayand saying I want to be
different than what I am today.
I'm fabulous. But I want to befabulous for a lot longer. And I
know in order to do that I'vegot to change my outward
appearance and my health. Andshe did it quietly. And her
decisions on how are hers. But Iremember her telling me once
(29:56):
when we were trying on clothes,I can't wear it. I'm a big girl.
And I'm like, Where? Where,where is that, because that's
not the you of this year. Thatmight have been you 10 years
ago. And so I think of thatimage of when you don't see
yourself the way you are today,I, I struggle with that I had a
(30:16):
major health issue a couple ofyears ago, as As you are aware,
Mary, and some days, I look inthe mirror and look at this body
that's had to be stitched backtogether. And it's not the body
that I worked so hard to getback in shape after babies. It's
not the one you see in themagazines at all with all the
scars, all the things. And Iremember as I was kind of having
(30:39):
my pity party, and not givingmyself grace, my amazing husband
looked at me and he said, Do youknow where people with those
scars normally are? They're nothere lying next to their spouse.
Every time I see those, babe, Ithank God for them. Because
(31:00):
you're here. And I think tomyself, I've got to meet this
person, because they lookinteresting. They look like they
have survived something. And youshould never be ashamed of
showing your battle scars. Butif I didn't take that time to
maybe reflect and have that pityparty out loud, maybe I wouldn't
(31:23):
have gotten a little bit ofcheerleading that I didn't even
realize I need it in my mind.
And so I think that those thatare climbing and pushing and
striving are the ones who mostsometimes need to actually use
their vacation days. to actuallyuse time to think in the car, to
(31:49):
put down whatever electronic oreven take their electronic and
put it on something that makesthem laugh and feel just good
about life. And have that youknow that good. One of the
things about babies when theyhave that good belly chuckle
words.
LTP (32:05):
You have to laugh You cannot you cannot not laugh when
you hear that laugh,
Dr Stephanie Wilson (32:09):
right? Do that. Do that a couple of times.
And then walk past the mirrorand be like, yeah, my buddies
cute and cute. girls and guyslook in the mirror and be like
my butt is cute today. and offyou go. It'll be amazing. I
think let that what kind ofenergy that puts out in the
world, and allows you tocontinue that climb.
LTP (32:33):
So you said something just now that absolutely resonated me
with me. And I don't know why itsurprised me. But I never
thought of it quite this way.
You talked about taking time torecognize how far you've come.
And I think when people talkabout giving themselves grace,
it's really in in the context offorgiving yourself for messing
(32:54):
up. It's never, or at least I'venever thought of it in terms of
taking a moment to recognize howfar you've come and taking a
good look at where you aretoday. And being like damn, look
what I did. Look what I did.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (33:16):
Yeah, I think a lot of people think of
grace. definitely give yourselfgrace when you make an error or
miss day to make yourselfbetter. But in that you need to
look around, look around, lookat what you've been able to
accomplish. Look what you'reabout to accomplish. Sometimes I
think the most tasty part oflife is right when you're on
(33:39):
that precipice, right whenyou're at that end, and it's
tasty for the people watchingyou too, because we're like, oh,
they're gonna they're gonnastick the lady. You know,
they're about to make that shot.
That's why everyone's breathstops as an athlete takes that
basketball shot. And we justwatch that ball and part of the
(34:00):
crowd like part of the crowdlike, but you don't know yet. It
triggers cat. Is it alive? We goexciting, right? But if you
don't take a moment whether youmissed that shot, or whether you
got it to say, at least I hadthe chance to take it. I worked
(34:24):
my butt off to get the chance totake that shot. How cool am I?
How cool are the people who letme couch surf? How cool are
those friends who called me onmy mess? How cool is that? ally?
That ally who brought up my nameand a meeting that I didn't even
(34:49):
know took place. How cool wasthat? So yeah,
LTP (34:59):
that is awesome. I love that. I love that. Thank you for
all of that. You, you just kindof alluded to it with your last
comments, but I'm thinking backto you talking about the amazing
James. And you know, we joke,you joked about the pity party,
I think most of us have heardthe phrase and talked about it.
(35:19):
But why don't you just said kindof maybe think of it in a
different way? If it's okay, ifit is a little bit of a party,
you can invite a couple people,because when we think about pity
party, we think about sitting onthe couch with a pint of Ben and
Jerry's, right, you know, likenot like hiding, hiding, hiding
from everybody yourself. Andjust, but I think having someone
that you trust and love andinviting them into that party a
(35:41):
little bit, and sharing it withthem and letting them party with
you a little bit and then moveyou out of it. I think that's so
key. And I think what ablessing.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (35:51):
Yeah, it's a party if you don't bring a
friend at a party that. Sodefinitely, you're absolutely
right. And I'm very fortunatethat I have a husband who's my
friend, but I'll be very clear,he is not my best friend,
because he can't be everything.
To me. My best friends, I willsay are really really good at
calling each other in the midstof crazy craziness. And and we
(36:15):
will say do you want me to solveor are we going to wallow in
this together? And once again,it's something we've learned
through almost 10 years offriendship.
LTP (36:32):
You're 29 years old, right?
So it's totally, totally,
Unknown (36:36):
It's a totally different box if you're 29. Um,
but it's something that has beenlearned. It's not something that
I think we came to naturally Iwish someone had told me, it's
okay to invite a friend to mypity party. I wouldn't while
have wallowed by myself, I thinkas long as I had as a team, I
(36:57):
would have learned that everyonethinks their mom is crazy, I
would have loved at Acmehappens, everyone, I would have
learned that feeling unsure andunconfident and sometimes
confused, is natural and normaland doesn't go away. And 98% of
us are winging it 98% of thetime, and never trust
(37:20):
statistics. So all of thosethings I would have learned if I
had invited a friend, so thatpity party earlier, I am very
fortunate to have the amazingJames and we met very young in
my life. And so he has learnedmy facial expressions, or when
I'm about to kind of go down aroad, that's not the best for
(37:40):
me. And I can only do it kind ofbehind closed doors with him.
Because I don't want to modelimproper behavior in front of
these young ones I am learningand teaching Now that's not to
say that they don't get theemotions, the full emotional
range of their mother. I wantthem to know they are powerful.
(38:01):
And when they need to gain arecharge, that home is where
they can always come. I wantthem to know and find beauty in
themselves. I wrote a small postonce where I remember distinctly
being upset about my baby fatand feeling all mushy. And my
friend who cannot have childrensaid I would wish every day to
(38:24):
be fussing about having a littleextra fat because I had a baby.
I looked at my daughter as sherubbed her Big Buddha belly
after having a full meal. And Irealized why am I fussing about
bloat when I have food on mytable that can fill me that and
(38:44):
she was like I have a big fullbelly. And all I can think of
was when do we lose that? Whendo we lose the love of a full
belly. The love of us being alittle different having those
freckles. The mole I have a moleon my neck. I'm like this is
(39:06):
weird. My husband thinks it'sone of the most beautiful
things. When we figure out ourbaby toe is I'm a runner, so I
lose my baby toenail randomly.
Very sexy, super hot. But it'spart of what keeps me healthy.
What keeps me sane, sometimesthat meditation of just kind of
running or cycling. And so whenI look at it, I see it's the
(39:26):
pursuit of strength. It's notit's not a defect. It's not
something wrong. And so whenthose things when that hangnail
when those things occur, why nottell a friend who might be about
to fall off? I must have beenrunning some miles. Yeah, girl,
get some new sneakers. We'll seehow your fast fast shoes work
next week. You know, all ofthose things that help you feel
(39:48):
better, is giving yourselfgrace. Because we are human. I
know it's shocking. We're human.
Not a one of us is perfect. I'llprobably go downstairs and say
something inappropriate in frontof my kids and about 1520
minutes. I remind myself, I amhelping therapists get their
(40:10):
money later on in life. So ifyou can't Yeah, I mean, it's
already paying for it board.
Yeah. So. But all of that isjust grace. And we have to allow
ourselves space for that. And ifwe can bring a buddy so that we
are not, because we're not alonein this ever. We're not alone in
this.
LTP (40:29):
I love that stuff. So last question. If you could give
advice to 17 year oldStephanie, looking forward to
this amazing life of munitionsmaintenance. What advice would
(40:49):
you give?
Unknown (40:53):
I gave her two pieces of advice. The first one
the short skirt. Wear that skirtgirl. The second one? It'll be
okay. Relax. It'll be okay.
Because I don't think 17 yearold me truly appreciated the
(41:13):
precipice of where she was, andhow strong she was. Yeah.
LTP (41:26):
I love it stuff. Thank you so much for being with me today.
I really enjoyed ourconversation. And I hope you'll
come back.
Dr Stephanie Wilson (41:34):
Anytime.
Anytime. Thank you, Mary.
LTP (41:38):
So peeps, I know you've all been kicking butt doing great
things and pushing forward everyday. But this week, take a
breather. Take some time tothink about all of the things
that you've accomplished and tobe grateful for the
opportunities you've had. Ifthere are things you're working
on, you don't have to give upcompletely. But don't beat
(41:59):
yourself up. If you have asetback here and there. Give
yourself a break and understandthat all good habits take time.
But it's okay if you fall offnow. And then forgive yourself
for things that you've done toyourself and things you've done
to others. We all make mistakes,and we're all growing and
learning. And finally, as youlook at everything that you're
(42:22):
trying to accomplish, and allthe great things you've already
done, give yourself a little.
So that's been our discussion ofgiving yourself grace with Dr.
Stephanie Wilson. I hope youenjoyed the discussion. If you
did, please give it a LIKE,SUBSCRIBE or share with a
friend. If not, please drop me anote on what I could do better.
(42:44):
Don't forget to take some timethis week to give yourself some
grace. And if you have somethingyou'd like to share, head over
to www dot level the pursuitcomm and share your insights and
your successes. I can't wait tolearn from your thoughts. Thanks
again for joining level thepursuit. Well, we can't choose
where we start. We can chooseour dreams and how we pursue
them. Remember, success is ateam sport and there's room for
(43:06):
all of us to achieve our goals.
So be a good leader. Be a goodfollower and Do Something Great
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