June 12, 2025 • 33 mins
🎙️ Episode Title: Are you being lied to about having a successful relationship with someone with an addiction?
📝 Episode Description:
This episode of Licensed and Unfiltered dives into the raw and rarely spoken realities of addiction — from the pain and confusion it brings to the people we love, to the internal battles we often hide.
Lina shares personal and clinical reflections on addiction, healing, and what it means to hold space for others while honoring your own mental health. Whether you're a clinician, a loved one, or someone in the thick of recovery, this conversation is for you.
Want to share your story live on the show?
Submit your story or therapy question here:
https://share.hsforms.com/1mooej1eBTlSit-tcWqNT-Qdhorz
💙 Resources for Addiction Support
Veteran-Specific Resources:
- Veterans Crisis Line (24/7): Dial 988, then press 1
Website: https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ - VA Substance Use Treatment Programs: https://www.va.gov/health-care/health-needs-conditions/substance-use-problems/
- Vet Center Programs (free counseling for combat veterans & families): https://www.vetcenter.va.gov/
Civilian Addiction & Recovery Resources:
- SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Website: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline - Al-Anon Family Groups (support for loved ones of those with addiction): https://al-anon.org/
- SMART Recovery (science-based addiction support): https://www.smartrecovery.org/
- Recovery.org (rehab locator and resources): https://www.recovery.org/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Some days I look at him and see the man I fell in
love with those clear eyes, thatrare moment of honesty, like a
brief breath before the storm.
I want to believe him so badlyit hurts.
But other days he's gone, lostin something I can't reach, like
(00:23):
a ghost who took my heart as asouvenir.
I scream into silence, hopingsomeone, anyone, can hear me.
If you or someone you know isstruggling with addiction, check
the show notes for support.
You're not broken and you'renot alone.
For our fellow veterans we'vealso included links to
(00:44):
veteran-specific resources thatunderstand what you've been
through, healing is possible.
Hi, welcome back.
Let me just preface this bysaying that this one might be
tough.
Let me just preface this bysaying that this one might be
(01:08):
tough.
I'm Lina, your licensedmarriage and family therapist
and honestly kind of like yourpersonal therapist in your back
pocket whenever life gets messyand you need a little guidance
or just someone to talk to.
And I'm here to keep thingsopen and honest.
But before we dive in, I wantto offer a quick trigger warning
.
Today we're going to talk aboutaddiction and how it impacts
(01:31):
relationships the raw, the realand sometimes painful realities
that come with loving someonewho's struggling.
If, at any point, you feeloverwhelmed or triggered, please
remember to pause, take care ofyourself and reach out to
someone you trust.
This episode is meant to holdspace, not to hurt.
(01:52):
I'm here to talk about thethings that most people are too
ashamed to say out loud, andtoday we're talking about what
it's really like to love someonewho's addicted.
Addiction doesn't just takeperson, it takes the air out of
(02:14):
the relationship.
You stop recognizing them, thenyou stop recognizing yourself.
Maybe you're the fixer, theride or die, the one holding the
pieces together, or maybeyou're just tired of broken
promises, of tiptoeing, ofhoping they'll choose you this
time.
I want to say this now Ifyou're in it, if you're drowning
(02:36):
in it, you are not crazy, youare not weak and you are
definitely not alone.
This episode isn't here toshame anyone, because addiction
is real and recovery is hard,but so is staying in a
(02:56):
relationship where you're slowlydisappearing.
We're going to talk honestly,we're going to name the patterns
and we're going to talk aboutwhat love really looks like when
addiction is in the room.
Welcome to Licensed andUnfiltered.
This episode is called Love,lies and Relapse.
(03:17):
Segment 1.
Addiction by the Numbers.
Let's ground this in reality,addiction is not some niche
problem hiding in dark alleys.
It's everywhere.
Here are some stats to makethat crystal clear.
Over 46 million Americans metthe criteria for a substance use
(03:41):
disorder in 2021.
Of those, only 6% receivedtreatment.
Addiction affects one in threehouseholds in the US, but behind
those numbers are relationships, marriages, partnerships,
families slowly unraveling.
(04:03):
Consider this One in fivecouples report that substance
use has severely harmed theirrelationship.
72% of partners of thosestruggling with addiction report
emotional distress, likeanxiety, depression and trauma
symptoms.
Nearly 40% report feelinglonely, isolated, ashamed and
(04:29):
trapped, because addictiondoesn't just break trust.
It breaks connection.
It replaces we with.
Why am I doing this alone?
Living with a ghost?
Why am I doing this alone?
Living with a ghost?
Being in a relationship withsomeone who's addicted often
(04:50):
feels like loving a ghost.
They're there, but they're notthere.
You become their alarm clock,their emotional regulator, their
excuse maker, their entireemergency contact list.
You morph into therapist,parent, probation officer and,
(05:14):
occasionally, punching bag,emotionally or otherwise.
Witty hot take.
You know things are bad whenGoogle starts auto-filling your
searches with how to tell ifsomeone is high, can I get PTSD
from dating and how to lovesomeone without losing yourself.
(05:35):
Spoiler alert you can't lovesomeone else into sobriety, but
we'll get there.
Let's also be real.
Sober is not the same as healed.
Being sober just means they'renot actively using.
It doesn't mean they'reemotionally available,
(05:58):
self-aware or ready to build ahealthy relationship.
Someone in early recovery isstill dealing with massive
emotional dysregulation, pasttrauma, shame and withdrawal
from not just the substance butthe entire lifestyle.
It's like learning to livewithout their emotional crutch
(06:18):
while walking through aminefield.
If you got together when theywere using and they do get sober
, guess what?
That's a whole new relationship, one that includes triggers,
new boundaries, support groupmeetings, possible relapses and
a whole lot of emotional heavylifting that they have to do on
(06:42):
their own.
Your job is to support withoutlosing yourself in their process
.
So you may be living with aghost, but are you becoming a
shell of who you once were?
When someone else is fading inand out of their own life, it's
(07:03):
dangerously easy to disappearfrom yours.
You stop laughing, you stopcalling your friends, you stop
being you.
You don't have to set yourselfon fire to keep someone else
warm.
You are allowed to take upspace in your own story, even
(07:24):
when someone you love isspiraling through theirs the
Cycle of Hope in Hell.
When you're in love withsomeone who's battling addiction
, your life often becomes acycle, a loop of hope,
heartbreak and hanging on, andit's exhausting.
(07:45):
Here's what that cycle can looklike in real life.
One the high of hope.
What it is.
Your partner seems stable.
Maybe they've promised to quit.
Maybe they just got sober.
Maybe they're saying all theright things.
(08:10):
What it looks like they'recooking dinner again.
They apologized.
They cry.
They swore this was it.
They looked you in the eye andsaid you're the reason I want to
change.
And for a minute you letyourself believe them.
(08:30):
Two the slow fade.
What it is.
Little things start slipping.
They cancel plans.
You feel them pulling away.
They get more irritable orsuspiciously.
Fine.
What it looks like they're ontheir phone more.
They come home later.
(08:52):
They're distant.
During dinner.
You ask how they're doing andthey snap why are you always on
my back?
Something feels off, but youcan't prove it, so you gaslight
yourself.
Three the fall of relapse.
(09:14):
What it is.
They've used again.
Maybe once, maybe for a week,maybe it never really stopped.
What it looks like.
You find empty bottles again.
They disappear for hours.
(09:34):
They admit it only when youcatch them.
Or worse, they lie whilelooking you straight in the face
.
Number four the fallout.
What it is.
Emotions explode, guilt, rage,panic Maybe they sob, maybe you
(10:00):
sob, maybe both.
What it looks like you cry inthe shower so your kids don't
hear.
They swear they'll go to rehabtomorrow.
You Google therapists and hidevodka bottles while shaking.
You wonder if this is rockbottom for you or for them.
(10:23):
The rebuilds.
This is number five.
What it is?
The honeymoon after hell.
They get clean for now.
You go to a meeting.
Things feel hopeful again.
What it looks like.
(10:45):
You start tracking sober days.
You sleep again lightly.
They make breakfast and saythank you for not giving up on
me.
You want to believe them, soyou do.
And then the cycle begins again.
This isn't just an addictioncycle.
(11:11):
It's love on life, support andif you're in, it just want you
to know you are not crazy, youare not broken.
You are surviving a storm youdidn't cause.
Before we dive deeper into thecycle of hope and heartbreak, I
(11:32):
want to share something real.
This is the voice of someonewho's living the day-to-day
reality of loving an addict, themoments that don't make it to
the highlight reel.
It's raw, it's honest, it's thekind of truth that doesn't come
with easy answers.
Listen close.
(11:53):
Some days I look at him and seethe man I fell in love with
those clear eyes, that raremoment of honesty, like a brief
breath before the storm.
I want to believe him so badlyit hurts.
But other days he's gone, lostin something I can't reach, like
(12:21):
a ghost who took my heart as asouvenir.
I scream into silence, hopingsomeone, anyone can hear me.
I want to fix him, I want tosave us, but mostly I'm just
trying to find myself in thewreckage, because loving him
(12:43):
feels like drowning and I don'teven remember what it's like to
breathe.
If that hit home, know thatit's okay to feel overwhelmed.
This journey is one of thehardest anyone can walk through
(13:06):
Up.
Next we'll talk about the sadreality about love and addiction
.
If they loved me enough, they'dstop.
If they loved me enough, they'dstop.
Let's talk about one of themost hurt-breaking beliefs I
hear all the time If he loved meenough, he'd stop.
(13:31):
Here's the truth, mom.
Addiction is not a love problem.
It's a brain problem.
Love might inspire change, butit doesn't create it.
Recovery doesn't stick becausesomeone else wants it to.
It sticks when they want it to.
Here's why the reward center ofthe brain.
(13:56):
Over time, the brainprioritizes the substance over
love, food security and evensurvival.
It's not about not loving youenough.
It's about a brain that's stuckin a loop of needing to feel
okay, even if that means hurtingyou in the process.
(14:17):
It doesn't make the pain lessvalid.
It just helps you stop takingit personally.
The quiet relapse when theydon't say it, but you feel it.
Relapse doesn't always comewith a dramatic confession or an
(14:40):
ambulance ride.
Sometimes it sneaks in quietly,disguised as mood swings,
missed calls or excuses thatdon't quite add up.
Not every relapse looks likerock bottom.
Sometimes it looks likesuddenly needing a lot of alone
(15:19):
time, reverting to secrecy,locked doors, vague plans,
disappearing acts, shifts insleep patterns or energy, like
being up all night or sleepingall day, money going missing,
unexpected expenses or financialchaos, emotional volatility,
angry, paranoid, distant oroddly euphoric, avoidance of
accountability, therapy ormeetings.
And the classic I've just beenstressed lately on repeat.
I've just been stressed latelyon repeat.
And maybe the biggest red flagof all your gut is screaming but
(15:46):
your brain is trying to justifyBecause when you love someone,
you want to believe they're okay, you don't want to accuse, you
don't want to push them away.
You hope it's just a rough patch.
Until it's not.
Here's the truth.
People often relapseemotionally before they ever
(16:12):
pick it up again.
That means they stop usingtheir tools.
They isolate, they numb, theyslide back into denial and you
can feel the shift, even if theynever say a word.
Empathetic reminder If this iswhere you are feeling like
you're tiptoeing around thetruth, it's okay to name it.
You can ask questions withoutaccusations.
(16:35):
You can protect your peacewithout punishing theirs.
And if they have relapsed, it'snot a betrayal of you.
It's a symptom of a diseasethey haven't fully come to terms
with.
But your boundaries, yourclarity, that's your oxygen mask
(16:59):
, witty, hot take.
Relapse is like that shady exwho pops up in your DMs with hey
, just checking in.
You know it's bad news, butpart of you still wants to hope
for the best.
Boiler alert Hope withoutboundaries is just emotional
(17:27):
gambling, the lies we tellourselves.
We lie to ourselves when welove someone with addiction, Not
because we're naive, butbecause we're human and hopeful.
Here are a few crowd favoritesit's just weed.
(17:48):
Everyone smokes.
He only drinks when he'sstressed.
They're good.
Most of the time I can fix themSpoiler.
You are not a human rehabcenter.
You are not responsible foranyone else's recovery.
You can love someone deeply andstill not be the one to save
(18:15):
them.
One thing I want to emphasizehere is the idea of rock bottom.
Recovery often starts withhitting that point, a moment or
series of moments so painful, soundeniable, that change becomes
a must.
But here's the truth.
Everyone's rock bottom looksdifferent.
For some it's a near-deathexperience.
(18:38):
For others it might be losing ajob, a relationship or even
just a deep, soul-crushingloneliness.
There's no one-size-fits-alland it's not about judgment or
comparison.
It's about the person realizingenough is enough and deciding
(18:59):
finally to choose recovery.
And if you're listening andhaven't found your rock bottom
yet, that's okay.
It doesn't mean you won't andit doesn't mean you're not
trying hard enough.
The Power of detachment let'stalk about detachment with love,
(19:24):
not detachment as in cold andnumb, but detachment as in I
love you, but I will no longerbleed for you.
When you're partnered withsomeone in active addiction,
it's common to feel lonely, evenin the same room, ashamed
(19:47):
because no one sees what'sreally happening, and guilty for
wanting peace or for thinkingabout leaving.
But you are not alone leaving,but you are not alone.
You're not selfish for wantingsafety.
You're not cruel for wantingspace.
You're not weak for asking forhelp.
(20:08):
Groups like Al-Anon andTherapy4U can be game changers.
You don't have to do this solo,and sometimes Detachment is the
most loving thing you can dofor them and for you.
(20:32):
Boundaries or bust.
In this segment, I will beoffering some tools and tips for
managing love and addiction.
I will state the idea, then thetool and then the tip.
Let's dive in One settingboundaries without guilt.
(20:54):
Tool use I statements tocommunicate feelings and needs
clearly.
For example, I feel worriedwhen you don't answer my calls.
Tip remember boundaries.
Protect you, not punish them.
(21:14):
They keep the relationshiphealthier.
In fact, boundaries are anessential piece of any
relationship.
You can't have a sustainablerelationship without them.
Two self-care rituals forpartners Tool daily mindfulness
(21:36):
or grounding exercises, evenfive minutes a day.
Apps like Headspace or Calm maybe helpful for this.
Apps like Headspace or Calm maybe helpful for this.
Tip schedule me time asnon-negotiable.
You're not selfish for needingspace.
Three educational resourcesTool there are books or websites
(22:04):
that you can go to, likeCodependent no More by Melody
Beatty.
Facing Codependence by PiaMelody.
And then there's the SubstanceAbuse and Mental Health Services
Administration website calledSAMHSA.
Tip Administration websitecalled SAMHSA.
(22:26):
Tip learning about addictionand codependency helps reduce
shame and confusion.
Four support groups Toolencourage friends, family,
people you know, partners tocheck out groups like Al-Anon or
(22:49):
Nar-Anon, designed specificallyfor families and loved ones of
addicts.
Tip being around others who getit can break isolation and
provide practical advice.
Number five crisis plans Tool.
Create a personal safety orcrisis plan if things escalate,
(23:13):
so know who to call and identifysafe places to go.
Tip having a plan can reducepanic and increase feelings of
control.
Six Therapy options Okay, sothe tool is, you know,
(23:38):
individual therapy for yourself,for yourself, for your partner,
couples therapy once both ofyou are ready, or specialized
addiction counseling.
Tip therapy is a safe space tounpack complex feelings and
(24:04):
develop coping strategies.
Seven signs and tools forspotting relapse Tool Keep a
journal to track changes inbehavior or mood that could
signal relapse.
Tip Approach observationswithout accusation.
Focus on patterns, not blame.
(24:40):
Here's where I highlight somereal-life examples from Reddit
and provide my honest opinion.
My boyfriend and I are in ahappy relationship and he's a
recovered addict.
He is still an addict, but hehas been sober for 532 days and
I couldn't be more proud of him.
So, on the one hand, even afternearly a year and a half sober,
(25:05):
she still acknowledges theongoing nature of addiction.
On the other, even thoughrecovery can be a constant
journey, it doesn't have todefine you.
Any relationship can thrive,but only when defined by
(25:27):
boundaries and ongoing support.
Next one Hubby was less than ayear sober when we met nearly
eight years clean when herelapsed.
Living with a loving partnerand kids Won't keep an addict
clean.
Her story is a gut punch.
You can support recovery, butlove alone doesn't guarantee it.
(25:49):
Love shouldn't be your onlylifeline.
Okay, next one Throw awayaccount because my partner is on
here.
We've lived together for twoyears.
I have told him before howuncomfortable his usage makes me
Binge usage.
(26:11):
He drinks half a 750 milliliterbottle of vodka a night.
This case pulls no punches.
The shame, the hurt, theawkwardness of living with
someone whose addiction washidden until moving in.
It's real, brutal andheartbreaking.
(26:32):
Okay.
Last one I met my boyfriendwhen he was one month sober.
Now almost five months clean.
He still lives with his parents.
He feels broken forever or thatrelapse is inevitable.
This one is another powerfulreminder.
(26:53):
Early recovery is fragile.
It's emotional waterboarding.
Partners often feel helpless,but simply being there can be
what makes or breaks it.
(27:19):
Therapy Talk who's driving thebus?
Intro to Internal FamilySystems.
Let's talk therapy Specificallya powerful model called
Internal Family Systems, or IFSfor short.
Now don't let the name fool you.
(27:41):
This isn't about your in-lawsor childhood group texts.
Ifs is about you and all thedifferent parts of you, the idea
we are not just one self, we'rea whole internal crew, a cast
(28:01):
of characters, a messy littleinternal family.
You've got parts of you thatwant to fix everything, want to
run away, want to scream into apillow, want to pretend
everything's fine when it verymuch is not.
Want to love the addict, wantto leave the addict, want to
(28:26):
leave the addict.
Witty metaphor IFS is likerealizing your inner world is a
full-blown reality show withdifferent cast members competing
for airtime.
Some are dramatic, some areavoidant, some are just here for
snacks and survival.
And the goal Not to fire themall, but to get to know them,
(28:51):
understand them, help them,trust that your core self, the
calm, compassionate, curious youis actually the one driving the
damn bus.
So how does this help inaddiction-related relationships?
Well, when you're in chaos,it's easy to let your protector
(29:17):
parts take over the fixer, theappeaser, the one who's scanning
for danger 24-7.
Or maybe the numb one who saysthis is fine while your soul is
burning.
Ifs invites you to slow downand say hey, what part of me is
(29:38):
speaking right now and what doesit need?
Maybe there's a young part ofyou that equates love with
rescuing.
Maybe there's a wounded partthat fears abandonment so deeply
it tolerates chaos just toavoid being alone.
Ifs doesn't blame you.
It brings compassion.
(30:00):
It says there is a reason youdo what you do.
Let's meet that reason withkindness.
Takeaway.
When you can separate yourparts from yourself, you get
clarity.
When you get clarity, you stopreacting and start choosing.
(30:22):
And when you start choosing,you get your power back when to
walk away.
So when do you leave?
Here's your gut check Are yousafe, emotionally, physically,
(30:43):
financially?
Are they actively working ontheir recovery?
Are you still you or have youvanished, trying to keep them
afloat?
Leaving isn't giving up.
Sometimes it's the mostcourageous thing you can do.
And staying doesn't make youloyal.
(31:05):
It might just mean you're stuck.
You are allowed to want more.
You are allowed to walk towardpeace.
Bad advice of the week If youjust love them harder, they'll
(31:26):
stop using yes, because clearlyyour unmatched affection will
magically overpower heroin.
Nope, that's not how any ofthis works.
You're not a wizard, you're nota treatment plan.
You're a person, a human being,who deserves healthy love and
(31:47):
also eight hours of sleep.
So if you're still listening,thank you.
Whether you're in the thick ofit or you've come out the other
side, your story matters.
This episode is for theexhausted, the hopeful, the ones
(32:08):
who still believe love can healanything and are learning that
sometimes love also knows whento let go.
You are not broken for being inthis.
You are not weak for wantingout.
You are not alone.
(32:28):
And if you're the onestruggling with addiction, this
isn't judgment, it's a handextended.
You're still worthy, you'restill loved and your healing
it's possible and needed.
It's possible and need it.
That's it for today on Licensedand Unfiltered.
(32:50):
If this episode hit home or hita nerve, share it with someone
who needs it and rememberboundaries are hot, clarity is
sexy and chaos is not yourbirthright.
Until next time, keep it realand keep it unfiltered.
Some days I look at him and see the man I fell in
love with those clear eyes, thatrare moment of honesty, like a
brief breath before the storm.
I want to believe him so badlyit hurts.
But other days he's gone, lostin something I can't reach, like
(00:23):
a ghost who took my heart as asouvenir.
I scream into silence, hopingsomeone, anyone, can hear me.
If you or someone you know isstruggling with addiction, check
the show notes for support.
You're not broken and you'renot alone.
For our fellow veterans we'vealso included links to
(00:44):
veteran-specific resources thatunderstand what you've been
through, healing is possible.
Hi, welcome back.
Let me just preface this bysaying that this one might be
tough.
Let me just preface this bysaying that this one might be
(01:08):
tough.
I'm Lina, your licensedmarriage and family therapist
and honestly kind of like yourpersonal therapist in your back
pocket whenever life gets messyand you need a little guidance
or just someone to talk to.
And I'm here to keep thingsopen and honest.
But before we dive in, I wantto offer a quick trigger warning
.
Today we're going to talk aboutaddiction and how it impacts
(01:31):
relationships the raw, the realand sometimes painful realities
that come with loving someonewho's struggling.
If, at any point, you feeloverwhelmed or triggered, please
remember to pause, take care ofyourself and reach out to
someone you trust.
This episode is meant to holdspace, not to hurt.
(01:52):
I'm here to talk about thethings that most people are too
ashamed to say out loud, andtoday we're talking about what
it's really like to love someonewho's addicted.
Addiction doesn't just takeperson, it takes the air out of
(02:14):
the relationship.
You stop recognizing them, thenyou stop recognizing yourself.
Maybe you're the fixer, theride or die, the one holding the
pieces together, or maybeyou're just tired of broken
promises, of tiptoeing, ofhoping they'll choose you this
time.
I want to say this now Ifyou're in it, if you're drowning
(02:36):
in it, you are not crazy, youare not weak and you are
definitely not alone.
This episode isn't here toshame anyone, because addiction
is real and recovery is hard,but so is staying in a
(02:56):
relationship where you're slowlydisappearing.
We're going to talk honestly,we're going to name the patterns
and we're going to talk aboutwhat love really looks like when
addiction is in the room.
Welcome to Licensed andUnfiltered.
This episode is called Love,lies and Relapse.
(03:17):
Segment 1.
Addiction by the Numbers.
Let's ground this in reality,addiction is not some niche
problem hiding in dark alleys.
It's everywhere.
Here are some stats to makethat crystal clear.
Over 46 million Americans metthe criteria for a substance use
(03:41):
disorder in 2021.
Of those, only 6% receivedtreatment.
Addiction affects one in threehouseholds in the US, but behind
those numbers are relationships, marriages, partnerships,
families slowly unraveling.
(04:03):
Consider this One in fivecouples report that substance
use has severely harmed theirrelationship.
72% of partners of thosestruggling with addiction report
emotional distress, likeanxiety, depression and trauma
symptoms.
Nearly 40% report feelinglonely, isolated, ashamed and
(04:29):
trapped, because addictiondoesn't just break trust.
It breaks connection.
It replaces we with.
Why am I doing this alone?
Living with a ghost?
Why am I doing this alone?
Living with a ghost?
Being in a relationship withsomeone who's addicted often
(04:50):
feels like loving a ghost.
They're there, but they're notthere.
You become their alarm clock,their emotional regulator, their
excuse maker, their entireemergency contact list.
You morph into therapist,parent, probation officer and,
(05:14):
occasionally, punching bag,emotionally or otherwise.
Witty hot take.
You know things are bad whenGoogle starts auto-filling your
searches with how to tell ifsomeone is high, can I get PTSD
from dating and how to lovesomeone without losing yourself.
(05:35):
Spoiler alert you can't lovesomeone else into sobriety, but
we'll get there.
Let's also be real.
Sober is not the same as healed.
Being sober just means they'renot actively using.
It doesn't mean they'reemotionally available,
(05:58):
self-aware or ready to build ahealthy relationship.
Someone in early recovery isstill dealing with massive
emotional dysregulation, pasttrauma, shame and withdrawal
from not just the substance butthe entire lifestyle.
It's like learning to livewithout their emotional crutch
(06:18):
while walking through aminefield.
If you got together when theywere using and they do get sober
, guess what?
That's a whole new relationship, one that includes triggers,
new boundaries, support groupmeetings, possible relapses and
a whole lot of emotional heavylifting that they have to do on
(06:42):
their own.
Your job is to support withoutlosing yourself in their process
.
So you may be living with aghost, but are you becoming a
shell of who you once were?
When someone else is fading inand out of their own life, it's
(07:03):
dangerously easy to disappearfrom yours.
You stop laughing, you stopcalling your friends, you stop
being you.
You don't have to set yourselfon fire to keep someone else
warm.
You are allowed to take upspace in your own story, even
(07:24):
when someone you love isspiraling through theirs the
Cycle of Hope in Hell.
When you're in love withsomeone who's battling addiction
, your life often becomes acycle, a loop of hope,
heartbreak and hanging on, andit's exhausting.
(07:45):
Here's what that cycle can looklike in real life.
One the high of hope.
What it is.
Your partner seems stable.
Maybe they've promised to quit.
Maybe they just got sober.
Maybe they're saying all theright things.
(08:10):
What it looks like they'recooking dinner again.
They apologized.
They cry.
They swore this was it.
They looked you in the eye andsaid you're the reason I want to
change.
And for a minute you letyourself believe them.
(08:30):
Two the slow fade.
What it is.
Little things start slipping.
They cancel plans.
You feel them pulling away.
They get more irritable orsuspiciously.
Fine.
What it looks like they're ontheir phone more.
They come home later.
(08:52):
They're distant.
During dinner.
You ask how they're doing andthey snap why are you always on
my back?
Something feels off, but youcan't prove it, so you gaslight
yourself.
Three the fall of relapse.
(09:14):
What it is.
They've used again.
Maybe once, maybe for a week,maybe it never really stopped.
What it looks like.
You find empty bottles again.
They disappear for hours.
(09:34):
They admit it only when youcatch them.
Or worse, they lie whilelooking you straight in the face
.
Number four the fallout.
What it is.
Emotions explode, guilt, rage,panic Maybe they sob, maybe you
(10:00):
sob, maybe both.
What it looks like you cry inthe shower so your kids don't
hear.
They swear they'll go to rehabtomorrow.
You Google therapists and hidevodka bottles while shaking.
You wonder if this is rockbottom for you or for them.
(10:23):
The rebuilds.
This is number five.
What it is?
The honeymoon after hell.
They get clean for now.
You go to a meeting.
Things feel hopeful again.
What it looks like.
(10:45):
You start tracking sober days.
You sleep again lightly.
They make breakfast and saythank you for not giving up on
me.
You want to believe them, soyou do.
And then the cycle begins again.
This isn't just an addictioncycle.
(11:11):
It's love on life, support andif you're in, it just want you
to know you are not crazy, youare not broken.
You are surviving a storm youdidn't cause.
Before we dive deeper into thecycle of hope and heartbreak, I
(11:32):
want to share something real.
This is the voice of someonewho's living the day-to-day
reality of loving an addict, themoments that don't make it to
the highlight reel.
It's raw, it's honest, it's thekind of truth that doesn't come
with easy answers.
Listen close.
(11:53):
Some days I look at him and seethe man I fell in love with
those clear eyes, that raremoment of honesty, like a brief
breath before the storm.
I want to believe him so badlyit hurts.
But other days he's gone, lostin something I can't reach, like
(12:21):
a ghost who took my heart as asouvenir.
I scream into silence, hopingsomeone, anyone can hear me.
I want to fix him, I want tosave us, but mostly I'm just
trying to find myself in thewreckage, because loving him
(12:43):
feels like drowning and I don'teven remember what it's like to
breathe.
If that hit home, know thatit's okay to feel overwhelmed.
This journey is one of thehardest anyone can walk through
(13:06):
Up.
Next we'll talk about the sadreality about love and addiction
.
If they loved me enough, they'dstop.
If they loved me enough, they'dstop.
Let's talk about one of themost hurt-breaking beliefs I
hear all the time If he loved meenough, he'd stop.
(13:31):
Here's the truth, mom.
Addiction is not a love problem.
It's a brain problem.
Love might inspire change, butit doesn't create it.
Recovery doesn't stick becausesomeone else wants it to.
It sticks when they want it to.
Here's why the reward center ofthe brain.
(13:56):
Over time, the brainprioritizes the substance over
love, food security and evensurvival.
It's not about not loving youenough.
It's about a brain that's stuckin a loop of needing to feel
okay, even if that means hurtingyou in the process.
(14:17):
It doesn't make the pain lessvalid.
It just helps you stop takingit personally.
The quiet relapse when theydon't say it, but you feel it.
Relapse doesn't always comewith a dramatic confession or an
(14:40):
ambulance ride.
Sometimes it sneaks in quietly,disguised as mood swings,
missed calls or excuses thatdon't quite add up.
Not every relapse looks likerock bottom.
Sometimes it looks likesuddenly needing a lot of alone
(15:19):
time, reverting to secrecy,locked doors, vague plans,
disappearing acts, shifts insleep patterns or energy, like
being up all night or sleepingall day, money going missing,
unexpected expenses or financialchaos, emotional volatility,
angry, paranoid, distant oroddly euphoric, avoidance of
accountability, therapy ormeetings.
And the classic I've just beenstressed lately on repeat.
I've just been stressed latelyon repeat.
And maybe the biggest red flagof all your gut is screaming but
(15:46):
your brain is trying to justifyBecause when you love someone,
you want to believe they're okay, you don't want to accuse, you
don't want to push them away.
You hope it's just a rough patch.
Until it's not.
Here's the truth.
People often relapseemotionally before they ever
(16:12):
pick it up again.
That means they stop usingtheir tools.
They isolate, they numb, theyslide back into denial and you
can feel the shift, even if theynever say a word.
Empathetic reminder If this iswhere you are feeling like
you're tiptoeing around thetruth, it's okay to name it.
You can ask questions withoutaccusations.
(16:35):
You can protect your peacewithout punishing theirs.
And if they have relapsed, it'snot a betrayal of you.
It's a symptom of a diseasethey haven't fully come to terms
with.
But your boundaries, yourclarity, that's your oxygen mask
(16:59):
, witty, hot take.
Relapse is like that shady exwho pops up in your DMs with hey
, just checking in.
You know it's bad news, butpart of you still wants to hope
for the best.
Boiler alert Hope withoutboundaries is just emotional
(17:27):
gambling, the lies we tellourselves.
We lie to ourselves when welove someone with addiction, Not
because we're naive, butbecause we're human and hopeful.
Here are a few crowd favoritesit's just weed.
(17:48):
Everyone smokes.
He only drinks when he'sstressed.
They're good.
Most of the time I can fix themSpoiler.
You are not a human rehabcenter.
You are not responsible foranyone else's recovery.
You can love someone deeply andstill not be the one to save
(18:15):
them.
One thing I want to emphasizehere is the idea of rock bottom.
Recovery often starts withhitting that point, a moment or
series of moments so painful, soundeniable, that change becomes
a must.
But here's the truth.
Everyone's rock bottom looksdifferent.
For some it's a near-deathexperience.
(18:38):
For others it might be losing ajob, a relationship or even
just a deep, soul-crushingloneliness.
There's no one-size-fits-alland it's not about judgment or
comparison.
It's about the person realizingenough is enough and deciding
(18:59):
finally to choose recovery.
And if you're listening andhaven't found your rock bottom
yet, that's okay.
It doesn't mean you won't andit doesn't mean you're not
trying hard enough.
The Power of detachment let'stalk about detachment with love,
(19:24):
not detachment as in cold andnumb, but detachment as in I
love you, but I will no longerbleed for you.
When you're partnered withsomeone in active addiction,
it's common to feel lonely, evenin the same room, ashamed
(19:47):
because no one sees what'sreally happening, and guilty for
wanting peace or for thinkingabout leaving.
But you are not alone leaving,but you are not alone.
You're not selfish for wantingsafety.
You're not cruel for wantingspace.
You're not weak for asking forhelp.
(20:08):
Groups like Al-Anon andTherapy4U can be game changers.
You don't have to do this solo,and sometimes Detachment is the
most loving thing you can dofor them and for you.
(20:32):
Boundaries or bust.
In this segment, I will beoffering some tools and tips for
managing love and addiction.
I will state the idea, then thetool and then the tip.
Let's dive in One settingboundaries without guilt.
(20:54):
Tool use I statements tocommunicate feelings and needs
clearly.
For example, I feel worriedwhen you don't answer my calls.
Tip remember boundaries.
Protect you, not punish them.
(21:14):
They keep the relationshiphealthier.
In fact, boundaries are anessential piece of any
relationship.
You can't have a sustainablerelationship without them.
Two self-care rituals forpartners Tool daily mindfulness
(21:36):
or grounding exercises, evenfive minutes a day.
Apps like Headspace or Calm maybe helpful for this.
Apps like Headspace or Calm maybe helpful for this.
Tip schedule me time asnon-negotiable.
You're not selfish for needingspace.
Three educational resourcesTool there are books or websites
(22:04):
that you can go to, likeCodependent no More by Melody
Beatty.
Facing Codependence by PiaMelody.
And then there's the SubstanceAbuse and Mental Health Services
Administration website calledSAMHSA.
Tip Administration websitecalled SAMHSA.
(22:26):
Tip learning about addictionand codependency helps reduce
shame and confusion.
Four support groups Toolencourage friends, family,
people you know, partners tocheck out groups like Al-Anon or
(22:49):
Nar-Anon, designed specificallyfor families and loved ones of
addicts.
Tip being around others who getit can break isolation and
provide practical advice.
Number five crisis plans Tool.
Create a personal safety orcrisis plan if things escalate,
(23:13):
so know who to call and identifysafe places to go.
Tip having a plan can reducepanic and increase feelings of
control.
Six Therapy options Okay, sothe tool is, you know,
(23:38):
individual therapy for yourself,for yourself, for your partner,
couples therapy once both ofyou are ready, or specialized
addiction counseling.
Tip therapy is a safe space tounpack complex feelings and
(24:04):
develop coping strategies.
Seven signs and tools forspotting relapse Tool Keep a
journal to track changes inbehavior or mood that could
signal relapse.
Tip Approach observationswithout accusation.
Focus on patterns, not blame.
(24:40):
Here's where I highlight somereal-life examples from Reddit
and provide my honest opinion.
My boyfriend and I are in ahappy relationship and he's a
recovered addict.
He is still an addict, but hehas been sober for 532 days and
I couldn't be more proud of him.
So, on the one hand, even afternearly a year and a half sober,
(25:05):
she still acknowledges theongoing nature of addiction.
On the other, even thoughrecovery can be a constant
journey, it doesn't have todefine you.
Any relationship can thrive,but only when defined by
(25:27):
boundaries and ongoing support.
Next one Hubby was less than ayear sober when we met nearly
eight years clean when herelapsed.
Living with a loving partnerand kids Won't keep an addict
clean.
Her story is a gut punch.
You can support recovery, butlove alone doesn't guarantee it.
(25:49):
Love shouldn't be your onlylifeline.
Okay, next one Throw awayaccount because my partner is on
here.
We've lived together for twoyears.
I have told him before howuncomfortable his usage makes me
Binge usage.
(26:11):
He drinks half a 750 milliliterbottle of vodka a night.
This case pulls no punches.
The shame, the hurt, theawkwardness of living with
someone whose addiction washidden until moving in.
It's real, brutal andheartbreaking.
(26:32):
Okay.
Last one I met my boyfriendwhen he was one month sober.
Now almost five months clean.
He still lives with his parents.
He feels broken forever or thatrelapse is inevitable.
This one is another powerfulreminder.
(26:53):
Early recovery is fragile.
It's emotional waterboarding.
Partners often feel helpless,but simply being there can be
what makes or breaks it.
(27:19):
Therapy Talk who's driving thebus?
Intro to Internal FamilySystems.
Let's talk therapy Specificallya powerful model called
Internal Family Systems, or IFSfor short.
Now don't let the name fool you.
(27:41):
This isn't about your in-lawsor childhood group texts.
Ifs is about you and all thedifferent parts of you, the idea
we are not just one self, we'rea whole internal crew, a cast
(28:01):
of characters, a messy littleinternal family.
You've got parts of you thatwant to fix everything, want to
run away, want to scream into apillow, want to pretend
everything's fine when it verymuch is not.
Want to love the addict, wantto leave the addict, want to
(28:26):
leave the addict.
Witty metaphor IFS is likerealizing your inner world is a
full-blown reality show withdifferent cast members competing
for airtime.
Some are dramatic, some areavoidant, some are just here for
snacks and survival.
And the goal Not to fire themall, but to get to know them,
(28:51):
understand them, help them,trust that your core self, the
calm, compassionate, curious youis actually the one driving the
damn bus.
So how does this help inaddiction-related relationships?
Well, when you're in chaos,it's easy to let your protector
(29:17):
parts take over the fixer, theappeaser, the one who's scanning
for danger 24-7.
Or maybe the numb one who saysthis is fine while your soul is
burning.
Ifs invites you to slow downand say hey, what part of me is
(29:38):
speaking right now and what doesit need?
Maybe there's a young part ofyou that equates love with
rescuing.
Maybe there's a wounded partthat fears abandonment so deeply
it tolerates chaos just toavoid being alone.
Ifs doesn't blame you.
It brings compassion.
(30:00):
It says there is a reason youdo what you do.
Let's meet that reason withkindness.
Takeaway.
When you can separate yourparts from yourself, you get
clarity.
When you get clarity, you stopreacting and start choosing.
(30:22):
And when you start choosing,you get your power back when to
walk away.
So when do you leave?
Here's your gut check Are yousafe, emotionally, physically,
(30:43):
financially?
Are they actively working ontheir recovery?
Are you still you or have youvanished, trying to keep them
afloat?
Leaving isn't giving up.
Sometimes it's the mostcourageous thing you can do.
And staying doesn't make youloyal.
(31:05):
It might just mean you're stuck.
You are allowed to want more.
You are allowed to walk towardpeace.
Bad advice of the week If youjust love them harder, they'll
(31:26):
stop using yes, because clearlyyour unmatched affection will
magically overpower heroin.
Nope, that's not how any ofthis works.
You're not a wizard, you're nota treatment plan.
You're a person, a human being,who deserves healthy love and
(31:47):
also eight hours of sleep.
So if you're still listening,thank you.
Whether you're in the thick ofit or you've come out the other
side, your story matters.
This episode is for theexhausted, the hopeful, the ones
(32:08):
who still believe love can healanything and are learning that
sometimes love also knows whento let go.
You are not broken for being inthis.
You are not weak for wantingout.
You are not alone.
(32:28):
And if you're the onestruggling with addiction, this
isn't judgment, it's a handextended.
You're still worthy, you'restill loved and your healing
it's possible and needed.
It's possible and need it.
That's it for today on Licensedand Unfiltered.
(32:50):
If this episode hit home or hita nerve, share it with someone
who needs it and rememberboundaries are hot, clarity is
sexy and chaos is not yourbirthright.
Until next time, keep it realand keep it unfiltered.
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