June 26, 2025 • 38 mins
What happens when "toxic" isn't just a trendy buzzword, but your daily reality? Behind closed doors, toxic relationships rarely announce themselves with obvious red flags. Instead, they slowly erode your sense of self through quiet patterns that make you question your reality and shrink your existence.
This deep dive explores what actually makes a relationship toxic—from the subtle gaslighting that makes you doubt your sanity to the trauma bonds that keep you chemically addicted to harmful cycles. Using insights from attachment theory, polyvagal theory, and the Gottman Method, we unpack why intelligent, capable people stay in relationships that hurt them, and why leaving feels like withdrawal rather than relief.
The numbers are staggering: 84% of women and 75% of men report experiencing toxic friendships, while globally, one in three women faces intimate partner violence. These aren't just statistics—they represent millions of everyday people who've normalized relationship pain as the cost of connection.
Whether you're questioning your current relationship, healing from a past one, or supporting someone caught in toxic patterns, this episode offers clarity without judgment. You'll learn the psychological mechanisms behind toxic love, practical boundary scripts that protect your peace, and how to distinguish between relationships worth repairing and those that require the courage to walk away.
Most importantly, you'll discover that your worth was never dependent on someone else choosing you—it's in how you choose yourself. If communication has become warfare, if your needs are consistently dismissed, or if you no longer recognize who you are in the relationship, this is your permission slip to trust your gut and reclaim the self you've been taught to silence.
You deserve more than survival in love. Share this episode with someone who needs to hear they're not crazy—they're just healing.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Toxic is not just a buzzword.
So let's talk about the big badword Toxic.
We hear it everywhere On TikTok, in memes, in group chats where
your bestie texts girl, youneed to leave him.
That's so toxic.
At this point we're callingeverything toxic your ex gluten,
(00:25):
your boss, your iced coffeeorder.
But just because it's trendingdoesn't mean we know what it
actually means.
But when you're actually livinginside that relationship, it
doesn't feel obvious.
It feels like they're notalways like this.
They had a hard childhood.
(00:50):
I just need to communicatebetter.
What if I'm the problem too?
Toxic isn't always explosive.
Sometimes it's quiet.
It's the shrinking, the walkingon eggshells.
It's losing your voice and thenforgetting you even had one.
So today we're unpacking it all.
(01:14):
What actually makes arelationship toxic, why people
stay, even when they're hurting,when it's worth working through
it and when it's time to walkaway.
When it's worth working throughit and when it's time to walk
away, and how to rebuild yoursense of self after you've spent
so long trying to keep someoneelse together, because staying
doesn't always mean you're weakand leaving doesn't always mean
(01:37):
you've failed.
You deserve clarity, youdeserve safety and you deserve
to hear the truth about lovewithout the sugarcoating.
Welcome to Licensed andUnfiltered.
I'm Lina, your trusty therapiston the go.
This episode might make you cry.
It might make you laugh.
(01:58):
Just remember you're not alone.
The numbers don't lie.
Before we unpack the messy,heartbreaking and too often
invisible ways relationshipshurt us, we need to talk about
how widespread this really is.
84% of women and 75% of men saythey've had at least one toxic
(02:24):
friendship in their lives.
That's emotional abuse fromsomeone you didn't even see
coming Around.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 3 menreport being in an unhealthy
relationship where emotionalsafety, respect or sanity was on
(02:45):
the line.
Globally, 30% of women that'snearly one in three have
experienced physical and orsexual violence from an intimate
partner, and in the US, datashows 41% of women and 26% of
men have suffered some form ofintimate partner violence in
their lifetimes, suffered someform of intimate partner
(03:05):
violence in their lifetimes.
That's not a small minority.
That's millions of everydaypeople, maybe including someone
you thought was fine.
So if you're here because youfeel hurt, confused or stuck,
you're not alone.
These statistics don't justfill space.
They represent lives, yoursincluded.
(03:28):
And here's the truth.
You don't have to become astatistic.
You deserve to heal, to feelsafe and to reclaim a
relationship that's rooted inrespect, not survival.
That's rooted in respect, notsurvival.
(03:51):
What is a toxic relationshipreally?
Let's clear something up.
Not all conflict is toxic.
Every couple argues, everyrelationship has bad days.
But a toxic relationship is onewhere the dynamic starts to
chip away at your self-worth,where your nervous system stays
on high alert, where survivalstarts to replace connection.
(04:13):
Here's how you know it's gonetoxic you feel more anxiety than
safety.
You second-guess your realityafter every disagreement.
You silence your needs to keepthe peace.
You feel responsible formanaging their emotions, but
yours are ignored.
(04:33):
Toxic doesn't always meanthey're evil.
Sometimes it's two woundedpeople reenacting patterns they
never learned to break.
But intent doesn't erase impact.
If the relationshipconsistently leaves you feeling
small, afraid, unworthy oremotionally unsafe, it's toxic
(04:56):
to you, no matter how good theapologies sound.
And just because it's notphysical doesn't mean it's not
real.
Emotional abuse is sneaky.
It sounds like you're toosensitive.
You're making things up.
You're the only one who has aproblem with this.
(05:17):
So no, toxic doesn't mean it'sall bad.
But if the good times are theonly thing keeping you there,
this episode's for you, becauselove should grow you, not gut
you when toxicity shows upoutside of romance.
(05:37):
And while we're talking abouttoxicity, let's be clear Toxic
relationships don't just happenin romance.
They can show up in friendships, in families and, yes, even at
work.
I want to share somethingpersonal here.
I once had a supervisor whoslowly, consistently wore me
(06:03):
down.
Who slowly, consistently woreme down.
She made me question myabilities as a therapist, my
clinical judgment, my confidence, my voice.
Every week I left supervisionsessions doubting if I was even
good at what I do.
It got to the point where Iwasn't just second-guessing my
clinical work, I wassecond-guessing myself.
(06:24):
And that's the hallmark oftoxicity when someone's feedback
, instead of being constructive,starts to feel like erosion.
What finally grounded me again?
My clients, their progress,their breakthroughs, the safety
(06:46):
and growth that happened in oursessions, because, at the end of
the day, their experience of meas a therapist that was the
real feedback and I realized herjudgment was never the final
word.
So if you're questioning yourworth because of someone in a
position of power, pause, zoomout and ask are they giving me
(07:11):
guidance or are they making medisappear?
Toxicity can be wrapped inauthority, in friendship, in
fake support.
If the relationship makes youdoubt your worth more than it
builds it.
That's your red flag Traumabonding 101.
Let's talk about trauma bonds.
(07:34):
A trauma bond is an emotionalattachment formed through cycles
of hurt and repair, like aroller coaster your nervous
system can't get off of.
It often sounds like they'rethe only one who really
understands me.
I know it's bad, but the highsare so good I can't leave.
(07:55):
It would destroy them.
Here's what's happening.
Your brain is literallyaddicted to the pattern.
You get a spike of stress,conflict, fear and criticism,
followed by a hit of dopamine.
Makeup, sex love, bombing andapologies If someone makes you
(08:16):
feel like the queen of theuniverse on Monday and the court
jester by Thursday.
It's not romance, it'semotional rollercoaster cosplay.
Get off the ride.
That's not love.
That's intermittentreinforcement.
It's the same thing that keepspeople pulling slot machine
handles.
The payoff is unpredictable.
(08:37):
So you stay hooked and that'swhy leaving doesn't always feel
like relief.
It can feel like withdrawal,like grief, like part of you is
dying.
If that's you, you're not crazy.
You're trauma bonded.
And step one isn't shamingyourself for staying.
It's naming the pattern andgetting help to break it.
(09:04):
Why we stay?
The answers you deserve.
Let's just say it out loudYou're not stupid for staying.
You're not weak, you're notpathetic, you're not broken.
You're human, and humans don'tlet go of attachment easily,
(09:26):
even when that attachment hurts.
So why do we stay?
Because it wasn't always bad.
The highs are high.
The love bombing is addictive.
You hold on waiting for theversion of them that made you
feel seen in the beginning.
You hold on waiting for theversion of them that made you
(09:47):
feel seen in the beginning.
You stay because of hope.
You remember the good, youbelieve the apologies.
You think maybe this timethings will be different.
That hope isn't foolish, it'strauma-filtered.
You stay because of fear.
Fear of being alone, fear ofstarting over, fear that you
(10:10):
won't find someone else, fear ofretaliation, fear of what
leaving will cost youemotionally, financially and
physically.
(10:30):
You stay because of shame.
You've told your friends theywere the one.
You've defended them.
You've made sacrifices.
The idea of saying I was wrongor I need help feels crushing.
You stay because of yournervous system.
Your body might literallyfreeze at the idea of leaving.
Your heart races, your breathshortens, you can't think
straight.
(10:50):
That's not weakness, that'ssurvival mode.
You stay because of love.
Yes, you may still love them.
That doesn't make you broken,that makes you loyal, and
sometimes loyalty becomes a cage.
So if you're listening andthinking, why can't I just leave
(11:14):
, it's not that you can't.
It's that leaving requiressafety, support and a
reprogramming of your entiresense of self.
And you can do that notovernight, but with truth, with
help and with the knowing thatyou don't have to stay in pain
(11:37):
just because you got used to it.
You don't owe your future tothe person who broke your past.
Here's a mini reflection promptand a journal prompt I want you
to write about what part of meis afraid to leave and what does
(12:00):
that part need to feel safe?
Start there.
You don't need all the answers.
You just need a tiny, bravebeginning Therapy talk.
What's really going on beneaththe toxic patterns?
(12:21):
All right, let's really getinto it.
What's actually going on insideus when we keep choosing or
staying in toxic relationships?
Let's start with IFS internalfamily systems.
Your parts aren't a problem.
Ifs says we all have parts andwhen we're in relationships,
(12:45):
especially painful ones, thoseparts come alive.
You might have a caretaker partthat says if I love them enough
, they'll heal.
A wounded child part thatbelieves love always hurts.
A firefighter part that numbsout with wine or scrolling to
(13:05):
avoid the pain, a protector partthat silences your needs
because speaking up never wentwell in the past.
That part of you that clings.
It thinks it's protecting you.
The one that shuts down, itremembers being unsafe.
The fixer, the pleaser, theavoider, they all have jobs.
(13:30):
Ifs says we don't have onepersonality.
We have many parts and in toxicrelationships those parts go
into overdrive In a toxic cycle.
But healing isn't aboutshutting these parts down.
It's about giving thempermission to rest.
You don't need to fix yourselfto be worthy of love.
(13:53):
You just need to bring yourselfback online the calm, curious,
clear part of you that knows whoyou are, even when the room
gets loud.
These parts aren't broken.
They're protective.
But when they're leading therelationship we're operating
from fear, not from self.
(14:17):
Now layer in attachment theoryhow your past shows up in your
present.
Attachment styles don't justlive in textbooks.
They show up in text bites.
Anxiously attached, youover-apologize, chase
people-please.
You fear abandonment more thandisrespect.
(14:37):
Avoidantly attached, you shutdown emotionally withdraw, crave
space, but also fear intimacy.
Connection feels like a trap.
In toxic relationships thesestyles trigger each other.
The anxious partner chases theavoidant runs and both feel
(14:57):
abandoned in different ways.
The path to healing Earnedsecure attachment, learning that
love doesn't mean chasing orhiding.
It means choosing with safety.
Hiding it means choosing withsafety.
If you're anxiously attached,conflict feels like abandonment.
(15:18):
You might cling, pursue, begfor reassurance.
If you're avoidantly attached,closeness feels unsafe.
You might shut down, ghost orsay things like I just need
space, when what you really meanis say things like I just need
space, when what you really meanis I'm afraid I'll disappoint
you.
And when those two patternsdance, it's chaos.
(15:42):
The anxious partner chases, theavoidant partner retreats.
Both feel misunderstood, bothare protecting old wounds and
the original pain, usuallyrooted in childhood, keeps
getting reenacted.
Now let's talk codependency,when love becomes
self-abandonment.
Codependency isn't just beingtoo nice.
(16:04):
It's when your worth is tied tosomeone else's well-being.
You feel responsible for theiremotions, their growth, their
healing.
You might think if they'reupset, I must have failed.
If I can't just love themenough, they'll get better their
happiness.
If I can just love them enough,they'll get better.
(16:26):
Their happiness is my job,their happiness is my job.
Here's the kicker.
That's not love, that's merger.
And merger kills intimacybecause it erases you.
(16:49):
Codependency isn't just aboutovergiving, it's about identity
loss.
It sounds like if they're okay,I'm okay.
I just want peace, even if thatmeans I'm miserable.
I feel guilty taking care ofmyself In a toxic relationship.
Codependency keeps you stuck.
You believe it's your job tosave them.
You ignore your needs and youconfuse love with loyalty, even
(17:21):
when loyalty is killing you.
Healing codependency meansallowing other people to
disappoint you, feeling guiltwithout rescuing and practicing
saying no without apology.
You're not selfish forprotecting your peace.
You're sovereign.
Enter polyvagal theory.
When your nervous system callsthe shots, let's talk about your
(17:44):
body, not the cute kind, theneurobiology kind.
Polyvagal theory teaches usthat your body is always
scanning for safety In toxicrelationships.
It usually doesn't find it.
So what happens?
You go into fight, you yell,demand panic text, you shift to
(18:06):
flight, you overwork, obsess,check out, you freeze, you shut
down, numb out, you fawn, youappease, self-abandon and lose
your voice.
This isn't a you problem.
It's your nervous system doingits job.
Healing means learning whatsafety feels like in your body,
(18:31):
regulating before reacting,rewiring through small,
consistent signals of safety.
This is why love shouldn't feellike a full-time trauma
response.
This explains why your bodyreacts the way it does in toxic
relationships.
Your nervous system isconstantly scanning for safety
(18:52):
or for danger.
Your body isn't betraying you.
It's trying to survive, butlong term that dysregulation
becomes your baseline and lovestarts to feel like
hypervigilance.
And finally, the Gottman Methodthe four horsemen that kill
(19:12):
connection.
The Gottman method is a methodthat actually informs a lot of
my couples' work.
Doctors John and Julie Gottmanstudied thousands of couples and
found four behaviors thatpredict relationship failure
with over 90% accuracy.
One criticism, attackingcharacter, not behavior.
(19:48):
You always, you never.
Two contempt, sarcasm, disgust,eye-rolling oh wow, you're
really a genius, huh.
Three defensiveness, refusingresponsibility.
It's not my fault.
Four stonewalling, shuttingdown, silent treatment and
emotional disappearance.
These are the four horsemen ofthe relationship apocalypse.
(20:12):
In toxic relationships theyride in together daily.
But the Gottmans also gave usantidotes.
Replace criticism with gentlestartups, replace contempt with
appreciation, replacedefensiveness with
accountability, and replacestonewalling with self-soothing,
with accountability, andreplace stonewalling with
(20:35):
self-soothing.
The point isn't perfection,it's pattern recognition and
repair.
Let's talk about one of thesneakiest ways toxicity shows up
Weaponize communication.
In healthy relationships,communication is a bridge, but
(21:00):
in toxic relationships itbecomes a battleground, a
courtroom, a trap.
Here's what weaponizedcommunication can look like
Gaslighting, twisting your wordsso you start questioning your
own memory or feelings, like Inever said that You're being
dramatic or you're crazy.
That's not what happened.
If he's saying you're just toosensitive after emotionally body
(21:21):
slamming you congratulations,you just unlocked the Gaslight
Deluxe Edition ScorekeepingKeeping a mental ledger of your
mistakes to throw them back atyou later.
Well, you did this three monthsago.
So don't talk to me aboutrespect, intellectualizing or
over-explaining, using logic toshut down emotion, as if you
(21:45):
need a PowerPoint presentationto justify your feelings.
That doesn't make sense.
Your feelings aren't rational.
Weaponized vulnerability whenyour partner uses what you've
shared in trust as ammo in afight Like no wonder your dad
(22:07):
left you, you're impossible tolove.
Or the silent treatment Notjust needing space but punishing
with silence.
A power move, not a pause.
And here's the kicker you mightbe talking all the time but not
actually communicating.
Because in toxic dynamics,conversations aren't about
understanding, they're aboutcontrol.
(22:28):
You're not resolving anything,you're defending your right to
exist.
Healthy communication says Iwant to understand you.
Toxic communication says I wantto win.
So if every conversation leavesyou more confused than clear,
if you walk away questioningyour sanity, your tone or even
(22:49):
your intentions, that's notmiscommunication, that's
manipulation.
You walk away questioning yoursanity, your tone or even your
intentions.
That's not miscommunication,that's manipulation.
And I want to be really clear.
You are allowed to walk awayfrom a conversation that feels
like psychological warfare.
You are allowed to say I'm notengaging like this.
You are allowed to protect yourpeace.
(23:14):
Repair language in boundaryscripts.
So what do we do after thedamage has been done?
What does it look like torepair communication instead of
repeat the same toxic cycles?
Here's the truth.
Every relationship hits bumps,but in healthy ones, repair is
possible and repair is safe.
(23:37):
Let's start with repair languagewhat you can say when things go
sideways and you actually wantto heal, not harm.
If you messed up, I can hearhow I hurt you.
I wasn't seen clearly in thatmoment and I want to do better.
You could say you don't owe meforgiveness, but I owe you
(23:58):
change.
You can also say that wasn'tokay, I'm not proud of how I
reacted and I want to talk whenyou're ready.
If they messed up, but there'seffort you can say I need time
to process, but I appreciateyour accountability.
Or this hurt me and I need usto slow down so I don't go numb.
(24:22):
Or thank you for owning them.
What would repair look likefrom your end?
What would repair look likefrom your end If you're trying
to reconnect, you can say we gotoff track and I missed the
version of us that reallylistens.
Or can we try again.
I want to hear you withoutdefense, and I hope you'll hear
(24:47):
me too.
Or let's name what happenedwithout attacking each other.
And then there's the power of aboundary.
Boundaries aren't ultimatums.
They're limits you set toprotect your well-being, not
punish someone else.
Here are some boundary scriptsfor when communication keeps
getting weaponized.
When you're being gaslit, youcan say I'm open to feedback,
(25:10):
but not when it comes withdenial of my reality, or we
remember things differently andI'm not going to argue with my
own experience.
When you're being emotionallyattacked, you can say I'm not
okay with being spoken to thisway.
I'll continue this when we'reboth calm or criticism shuts me
(25:32):
down.
Let's try again later.
When they punish you withsilence, you can say if you need
space, that's okay, but pleasecommunicate that instead of
freezing me out.
Or I'm not doing silenttreatment games.
We can pause, but we also needrepair.
(25:54):
Boundaries withoutfollow-through are just
suggestions.
So if your boundary isconstantly being ignored, that's
not a miscommunication, that'sa message.
Here's the mantra I want you tohold on to I can be kind and
still protect myself.
I can be loving and still havelimits.
(26:14):
I can walk away fromconversations that try to unmake
me, because love isn't provenby how much damage you can
tolerate.
It's shown by how much truthyour relationship can hold and
still come back to safety.
The first time you set aboundary and someone's pissed,
that's not you being mean,that's them realizing the free
(26:37):
buffet of your emotional laboris closed.
How to know when to stay?
So here's the tricky truth.
Not all hard relationships aretoxic and not all toxic feeling
ones are doomed.
Sometimes what feels toxic isactually unhealed pain rubbing
(26:57):
up against unskilledcommunication.
So how do you know when it'sworth staying?
Here are some signs yourpartner takes actual
accountability no gaslighting,no deflection.
There's visible effort tochange, not just promises.
You both feel emotionally safeenough to be honest.
(27:19):
Therapy is on the table and notjust weaponized against you.
You're not afraid of theirreaction when you speak up.
Hard is not the same as harmfulIf your relationship has wounds
, but also the will to heal.
There may be something worthrebuilding.
How to know when to go?
(27:40):
But let's be real.
Sometimes the most loving thingyou can do is leave.
So here's how you know it'stime to go.
You're constantly in fight,flight or freeze.
You minimize your pain tojustify their behavior.
Your needs are ignored, mockedor punished.
Boundaries don't just getcrossed, they get erased.
(28:04):
You no longer recognize who youare in the relationship.
If your inner voice whispers,this isn't love anymore.
Listen, leaving isn't weak.
It's what self-respectsometimes looks like.
You can love someone and stilloutgrow the relationship.
You can forgive them and stillchoose distance, because staying
(28:28):
for potential is not arelationship.
It's a bet.
You keep losing when it's morethan toxic.
Let's talk about abuse Now,before we go any further, I need
to say this out loud If you'rein a relationship where there is
physical violence, threats,intimidation or fear for your
(28:49):
safety, this isn't just toxic,this is abuse.
I know that word can feel toobig, too dramatic, too final,
but abuse isn't just bruises,it's fear, it's control, it's
silence.
Abuse thrives in the shadows of.
He didn't mean to.
(29:10):
It was just one time.
I should have known better.
If someone is hitting you,threatening you, controlling who
you talk to, tracking yourlocation or making you afraid to
leave, that's not love, that'spower and control, and none of
it is your fault, not for lovingthem, not for staying, not for
(29:33):
surviving, however you needed to.
I want to share a story thatmirrors what I've heard from
more than one client over theyears, a composite of truths too
common to ignore.
She was smart.
She was smart, educated, had agreat job.
From the outside, her lifelooked fine, but her partner
(29:56):
controlled everything what shewore, who she talked to, how
long she stayed at work.
The first time he hurt her sheblamed herself.
The second time she hid it by.
The third she was Googling whathappens if I leave an abusive
relationship.
(30:16):
And you know what made her feelthe most shame that she loved
him, that her body still wantedhim.
That part of her believed shewas being too dramatic.
We entangled that shame insession after session.
(30:38):
When she finally left, quietly,safely, with help, she said
something I'll never forget.
The moment I stopped trying toconvince him to love me better
was the moment I started lovingmyself enough to walk away.
So if you're hearing this andthinking, maybe this, this is me
, it's okay if you're not readyto 88788.
(31:17):
You are not weak for beingafraid, you are not broken for
staying, and you are not alone.
And when you do leave because Ibelieve you will you don't walk
away empty.
You walk away with your lifeand maybe for the first time,
(31:39):
you walk back to yourself.
Reddit confessional.
One Reddit user posted thisunder relationships and I'll
paraphrase to protect privacyI've been with my partner for
five years.
He's never hit me, but everyargument ends with him calling
me crazy or threatening to leave.
(32:00):
I've stopped going out with myfriends.
I can't bring anything upwithout it turning into a fight.
I miss who I was before thisrelationship, but I also feel
like I'd be nothing without it.
That comment had over 6,000upvotes.
If that's not a mirror, I don'tknow what is.
When thousands of strangers sayI feel this too, we can't write
(32:25):
it off as a bad match.
This is a cultural woundpattern too many people
normalize, and if you sawyourself in that post, don't
scroll past that feeling.
It might be the part of youthat's still trying to save your
life, reclaiming yourself aftertoxic love.
So you've left or you'rethinking about it Now.
(32:49):
What?
Now you meet the version ofyourself who doesn't need to
perform to be loved, the one whoisn't in survival mode every
day, the one who stops blamingherself for not being enough for
someone who never knew how tolove in the first place.
Healing from toxic love isn'tlinear.
It's a reclamation.
You learn to trust your gutagain.
(33:12):
Beat your knees withoutapologizing, set boundaries and
keep them.
Let love in when it's safe andsecure, not chaotic and
confusing, and, most of all, youremember that your worth was
never dependent on someone elsechoosing you.
It's in how you choose yourself.
(33:33):
So what does healing actuallylook like?
Let's take a breath.
We've talked about the trauma,the patterns, the parts, but
what does healing actually looklike?
Here's the truth.
No one tells you.
Healing is kind of boring atfirst.
It's no longer riding emotionalroller coasters just to feel
(33:57):
alive.
It's not needing closure fromsomeone who couldn't give you
clarity while you were stillthere.
It's turning your phone on donot disturb and actually
enjoying the silence, cryingwithout shame, laughing again
without waiting for the othershoe to drop.
It's not linear.
You might grieve, you mightrelapse, you might miss them.
(34:20):
That doesn't mean you're goingbackwards.
That means you're human and,the best part, one day you'll
wake up and realize you didn'tthink about them first thing
this morning.
That's healing.
That's freedom.
That's you coming back to life.
(34:43):
Bad advice of the week All right, it's time for everybody's
favorite dumpster fire.
All right, it's time foreverybody's favorite dumpster
fire.
Bad advice of the week, thisweek's gem.
If they act out, it just meansthey're afraid to lose you.
Oh, so now?
Emotional immaturity isromantic.
Let me translate that for youYelling is not love, control is
(35:07):
not commitment and emotionalchaos isn't passion.
It's poor regulation.
If someone only treats youright when they fear losing you,
that's not a partner, that's apanic response.
Let's retire the idea thatdysfunction equals death.
There are better ways to feelspecial than being someone's
(35:28):
emotional hostage.
You are the proof.
You can begin again.
If you've been listening andthinking, this is me.
I want you to hear this You'renot weak, you're not broken and
you're not too far gone.
You've just been surviving arelationship that made you
(35:50):
forget your own strength.
Here's the truth.
You don't need to earn love byabandoning yourself.
You don't have to stay in a warjust to prove you're loyal.
You don't need another person'spermission to choose peace.
You don't need another person'spermission to choose peace.
(36:10):
Healing from a toxicrelationship isn't just about
leaving them.
It's about returning to you Inthat journey.
It's messy, it's nonlinear, butit is possible.
You are allowed to want more.
You are allowed to start over.
You are allowed to becomesomeone even you haven't met yet
(36:32):
, because the version of youthat rises after this, she's the
one who gets to build the kindof love that doesn't just
survive but feels like home.
And hey, if no one's told youthis today, you're not crazy,
you're not too much, you're notbroken.
You're just someone who'sfinally waking up from a love
(36:56):
that wasn't loving you back.
You don't need to explain yourhealing, you just need to honor
it.
If you've made it to the end ofthis episode, first of all, I'm
proud of you.
We've unraveled a lot, and ifyour brain is buzzing, your
(37:17):
heart is heavy, or you'restaring at your ceiling
wondering what the hell do I donow, that's okay.
You're not supposed to have allthe answers.
You're just supposed to gethonest, and you did that today.
So here's your reminder you arenot too broken to be loved.
You don't need to shrink to bechosen.
(37:38):
You are allowed to leave theversion of you who only knew how
to survive, the healed version.
This isina, licensed andunfiltered.
And until next time, keep doingthe messy, brave,
(38:01):
heart-wrecking work of cominghome to yourself.
You're not crazy, you're justhealing.
Thank you everyone.
Bye.
Toxic is not just a buzzword.
So let's talk about the big badword Toxic.
We hear it everywhere On TikTok, in memes, in group chats where
your bestie texts girl, youneed to leave him.
That's so toxic.
At this point we're callingeverything toxic your ex gluten,
(00:25):
your boss, your iced coffeeorder.
But just because it's trendingdoesn't mean we know what it
actually means.
But when you're actually livinginside that relationship, it
doesn't feel obvious.
It feels like they're notalways like this.
They had a hard childhood.
(00:50):
I just need to communicatebetter.
What if I'm the problem too?
Toxic isn't always explosive.
Sometimes it's quiet.
It's the shrinking, the walkingon eggshells.
It's losing your voice and thenforgetting you even had one.
So today we're unpacking it all.
(01:14):
What actually makes arelationship toxic, why people
stay, even when they're hurting,when it's worth working through
it and when it's time to walkaway.
When it's worth working throughit and when it's time to walk
away, and how to rebuild yoursense of self after you've spent
so long trying to keep someoneelse together, because staying
doesn't always mean you're weakand leaving doesn't always mean
(01:37):
you've failed.
You deserve clarity, youdeserve safety and you deserve
to hear the truth about lovewithout the sugarcoating.
Welcome to Licensed andUnfiltered.
I'm Lina, your trusty therapiston the go.
This episode might make you cry.
It might make you laugh.
(01:58):
Just remember you're not alone.
The numbers don't lie.
Before we unpack the messy,heartbreaking and too often
invisible ways relationshipshurt us, we need to talk about
how widespread this really is.
84% of women and 75% of men saythey've had at least one toxic
(02:24):
friendship in their lives.
That's emotional abuse fromsomeone you didn't even see
coming Around.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 3 menreport being in an unhealthy
relationship where emotionalsafety, respect or sanity was on
(02:45):
the line.
Globally, 30% of women that'snearly one in three have
experienced physical and orsexual violence from an intimate
partner, and in the US, datashows 41% of women and 26% of
men have suffered some form ofintimate partner violence in
their lifetimes, suffered someform of intimate partner
(03:05):
violence in their lifetimes.
That's not a small minority.
That's millions of everydaypeople, maybe including someone
you thought was fine.
So if you're here because youfeel hurt, confused or stuck,
you're not alone.
These statistics don't justfill space.
They represent lives, yoursincluded.
(03:28):
And here's the truth.
You don't have to become astatistic.
You deserve to heal, to feelsafe and to reclaim a
relationship that's rooted inrespect, not survival.
That's rooted in respect, notsurvival.
(03:51):
What is a toxic relationshipreally?
Let's clear something up.
Not all conflict is toxic.
Every couple argues, everyrelationship has bad days.
But a toxic relationship is onewhere the dynamic starts to
chip away at your self-worth,where your nervous system stays
on high alert, where survivalstarts to replace connection.
(04:13):
Here's how you know it's gonetoxic you feel more anxiety than
safety.
You second-guess your realityafter every disagreement.
You silence your needs to keepthe peace.
You feel responsible formanaging their emotions, but
yours are ignored.
(04:33):
Toxic doesn't always meanthey're evil.
Sometimes it's two woundedpeople reenacting patterns they
never learned to break.
But intent doesn't erase impact.
If the relationshipconsistently leaves you feeling
small, afraid, unworthy oremotionally unsafe, it's toxic
(04:56):
to you, no matter how good theapologies sound.
And just because it's notphysical doesn't mean it's not
real.
Emotional abuse is sneaky.
It sounds like you're toosensitive.
You're making things up.
You're the only one who has aproblem with this.
(05:17):
So no, toxic doesn't mean it'sall bad.
But if the good times are theonly thing keeping you there,
this episode's for you, becauselove should grow you, not gut
you when toxicity shows upoutside of romance.
(05:37):
And while we're talking abouttoxicity, let's be clear Toxic
relationships don't just happenin romance.
They can show up in friendships, in families and, yes, even at
work.
I want to share somethingpersonal here.
I once had a supervisor whoslowly, consistently wore me
(06:03):
down.
Who slowly, consistently woreme down.
She made me question myabilities as a therapist, my
clinical judgment, my confidence, my voice.
Every week I left supervisionsessions doubting if I was even
good at what I do.
It got to the point where Iwasn't just second-guessing my
clinical work, I wassecond-guessing myself.
(06:24):
And that's the hallmark oftoxicity when someone's feedback
, instead of being constructive,starts to feel like erosion.
What finally grounded me again?
My clients, their progress,their breakthroughs, the safety
(06:46):
and growth that happened in oursessions, because, at the end of
the day, their experience of meas a therapist that was the
real feedback and I realized herjudgment was never the final
word.
So if you're questioning yourworth because of someone in a
position of power, pause, zoomout and ask are they giving me
(07:11):
guidance or are they making medisappear?
Toxicity can be wrapped inauthority, in friendship, in
fake support.
If the relationship makes youdoubt your worth more than it
builds it.
That's your red flag Traumabonding 101.
Let's talk about trauma bonds.
(07:34):
A trauma bond is an emotionalattachment formed through cycles
of hurt and repair, like aroller coaster your nervous
system can't get off of.
It often sounds like they'rethe only one who really
understands me.
I know it's bad, but the highsare so good I can't leave.
(07:55):
It would destroy them.
Here's what's happening.
Your brain is literallyaddicted to the pattern.
You get a spike of stress,conflict, fear and criticism,
followed by a hit of dopamine.
Makeup, sex love, bombing andapologies If someone makes you
(08:16):
feel like the queen of theuniverse on Monday and the court
jester by Thursday.
It's not romance, it'semotional rollercoaster cosplay.
Get off the ride.
That's not love.
That's intermittentreinforcement.
It's the same thing that keepspeople pulling slot machine
handles.
The payoff is unpredictable.
(08:37):
So you stay hooked and that'swhy leaving doesn't always feel
like relief.
It can feel like withdrawal,like grief, like part of you is
dying.
If that's you, you're not crazy.
You're trauma bonded.
And step one isn't shamingyourself for staying.
It's naming the pattern andgetting help to break it.
(09:04):
Why we stay?
The answers you deserve.
Let's just say it out loudYou're not stupid for staying.
You're not weak, you're notpathetic, you're not broken.
You're human, and humans don'tlet go of attachment easily,
(09:26):
even when that attachment hurts.
So why do we stay?
Because it wasn't always bad.
The highs are high.
The love bombing is addictive.
You hold on waiting for theversion of them that made you
feel seen in the beginning.
You hold on waiting for theversion of them that made you
(09:47):
feel seen in the beginning.
You stay because of hope.
You remember the good, youbelieve the apologies.
You think maybe this timethings will be different.
That hope isn't foolish, it'strauma-filtered.
You stay because of fear.
Fear of being alone, fear ofstarting over, fear that you
(10:10):
won't find someone else, fear ofretaliation, fear of what
leaving will cost youemotionally, financially and
physically.
(10:30):
You stay because of shame.
You've told your friends theywere the one.
You've defended them.
You've made sacrifices.
The idea of saying I was wrongor I need help feels crushing.
You stay because of yournervous system.
Your body might literallyfreeze at the idea of leaving.
Your heart races, your breathshortens, you can't think
straight.
(10:50):
That's not weakness, that'ssurvival mode.
You stay because of love.
Yes, you may still love them.
That doesn't make you broken,that makes you loyal, and
sometimes loyalty becomes a cage.
So if you're listening andthinking, why can't I just leave
(11:14):
, it's not that you can't.
It's that leaving requiressafety, support and a
reprogramming of your entiresense of self.
And you can do that notovernight, but with truth, with
help and with the knowing thatyou don't have to stay in pain
(11:37):
just because you got used to it.
You don't owe your future tothe person who broke your past.
Here's a mini reflection promptand a journal prompt I want you
to write about what part of meis afraid to leave and what does
(12:00):
that part need to feel safe?
Start there.
You don't need all the answers.
You just need a tiny, bravebeginning Therapy talk.
What's really going on beneaththe toxic patterns?
(12:21):
All right, let's really getinto it.
What's actually going on insideus when we keep choosing or
staying in toxic relationships?
Let's start with IFS internalfamily systems.
Your parts aren't a problem.
Ifs says we all have parts andwhen we're in relationships,
(12:45):
especially painful ones, thoseparts come alive.
You might have a caretaker partthat says if I love them enough
, they'll heal.
A wounded child part thatbelieves love always hurts.
A firefighter part that numbsout with wine or scrolling to
(13:05):
avoid the pain, a protector partthat silences your needs
because speaking up never wentwell in the past.
That part of you that clings.
It thinks it's protecting you.
The one that shuts down, itremembers being unsafe.
The fixer, the pleaser, theavoider, they all have jobs.
(13:30):
Ifs says we don't have onepersonality.
We have many parts and in toxicrelationships those parts go
into overdrive In a toxic cycle.
But healing isn't aboutshutting these parts down.
It's about giving thempermission to rest.
You don't need to fix yourselfto be worthy of love.
(13:53):
You just need to bring yourselfback online the calm, curious,
clear part of you that knows whoyou are, even when the room
gets loud.
These parts aren't broken.
They're protective.
But when they're leading therelationship we're operating
from fear, not from self.
(14:17):
Now layer in attachment theoryhow your past shows up in your
present.
Attachment styles don't justlive in textbooks.
They show up in text bites.
Anxiously attached, youover-apologize, chase
people-please.
You fear abandonment more thandisrespect.
(14:37):
Avoidantly attached, you shutdown emotionally withdraw, crave
space, but also fear intimacy.
Connection feels like a trap.
In toxic relationships thesestyles trigger each other.
The anxious partner chases theavoidant runs and both feel
(14:57):
abandoned in different ways.
The path to healing Earnedsecure attachment, learning that
love doesn't mean chasing orhiding.
It means choosing with safety.
Hiding it means choosing withsafety.
If you're anxiously attached,conflict feels like abandonment.
(15:18):
You might cling, pursue, begfor reassurance.
If you're avoidantly attached,closeness feels unsafe.
You might shut down, ghost orsay things like I just need
space, when what you really meanis say things like I just need
space, when what you really meanis I'm afraid I'll disappoint
you.
And when those two patternsdance, it's chaos.
(15:42):
The anxious partner chases, theavoidant partner retreats.
Both feel misunderstood, bothare protecting old wounds and
the original pain, usuallyrooted in childhood, keeps
getting reenacted.
Now let's talk codependency,when love becomes
self-abandonment.
Codependency isn't just beingtoo nice.
(16:04):
It's when your worth is tied tosomeone else's well-being.
You feel responsible for theiremotions, their growth, their
healing.
You might think if they'reupset, I must have failed.
If I can't just love themenough, they'll get better their
happiness.
If I can just love them enough,they'll get better.
(16:26):
Their happiness is my job,their happiness is my job.
Here's the kicker.
That's not love, that's merger.
And merger kills intimacybecause it erases you.
(16:49):
Codependency isn't just aboutovergiving, it's about identity
loss.
It sounds like if they're okay,I'm okay.
I just want peace, even if thatmeans I'm miserable.
I feel guilty taking care ofmyself In a toxic relationship.
Codependency keeps you stuck.
You believe it's your job tosave them.
You ignore your needs and youconfuse love with loyalty, even
(17:21):
when loyalty is killing you.
Healing codependency meansallowing other people to
disappoint you, feeling guiltwithout rescuing and practicing
saying no without apology.
You're not selfish forprotecting your peace.
You're sovereign.
Enter polyvagal theory.
When your nervous system callsthe shots, let's talk about your
(17:44):
body, not the cute kind, theneurobiology kind.
Polyvagal theory teaches usthat your body is always
scanning for safety In toxicrelationships.
It usually doesn't find it.
So what happens?
You go into fight, you yell,demand panic text, you shift to
(18:06):
flight, you overwork, obsess,check out, you freeze, you shut
down, numb out, you fawn, youappease, self-abandon and lose
your voice.
This isn't a you problem.
It's your nervous system doingits job.
Healing means learning whatsafety feels like in your body,
(18:31):
regulating before reacting,rewiring through small,
consistent signals of safety.
This is why love shouldn't feellike a full-time trauma
response.
This explains why your bodyreacts the way it does in toxic
relationships.
Your nervous system isconstantly scanning for safety
(18:52):
or for danger.
Your body isn't betraying you.
It's trying to survive, butlong term that dysregulation
becomes your baseline and lovestarts to feel like
hypervigilance.
And finally, the Gottman Methodthe four horsemen that kill
(19:12):
connection.
The Gottman method is a methodthat actually informs a lot of
my couples' work.
Doctors John and Julie Gottmanstudied thousands of couples and
found four behaviors thatpredict relationship failure
with over 90% accuracy.
One criticism, attackingcharacter, not behavior.
(19:48):
You always, you never.
Two contempt, sarcasm, disgust,eye-rolling oh wow, you're
really a genius, huh.
Three defensiveness, refusingresponsibility.
It's not my fault.
Four stonewalling, shuttingdown, silent treatment and
emotional disappearance.
These are the four horsemen ofthe relationship apocalypse.
(20:12):
In toxic relationships theyride in together daily.
But the Gottmans also gave usantidotes.
Replace criticism with gentlestartups, replace contempt with
appreciation, replacedefensiveness with
accountability, and replacestonewalling with self-soothing,
with accountability, andreplace stonewalling with
(20:35):
self-soothing.
The point isn't perfection,it's pattern recognition and
repair.
Let's talk about one of thesneakiest ways toxicity shows up
Weaponize communication.
In healthy relationships,communication is a bridge, but
(21:00):
in toxic relationships itbecomes a battleground, a
courtroom, a trap.
Here's what weaponizedcommunication can look like
Gaslighting, twisting your wordsso you start questioning your
own memory or feelings, like Inever said that You're being
dramatic or you're crazy.
That's not what happened.
If he's saying you're just toosensitive after emotionally body
(21:21):
slamming you congratulations,you just unlocked the Gaslight
Deluxe Edition ScorekeepingKeeping a mental ledger of your
mistakes to throw them back atyou later.
Well, you did this three monthsago.
So don't talk to me aboutrespect, intellectualizing or
over-explaining, using logic toshut down emotion, as if you
(21:45):
need a PowerPoint presentationto justify your feelings.
That doesn't make sense.
Your feelings aren't rational.
Weaponized vulnerability whenyour partner uses what you've
shared in trust as ammo in afight Like no wonder your dad
(22:07):
left you, you're impossible tolove.
Or the silent treatment Notjust needing space but punishing
with silence.
A power move, not a pause.
And here's the kicker you mightbe talking all the time but not
actually communicating.
Because in toxic dynamics,conversations aren't about
understanding, they're aboutcontrol.
(22:28):
You're not resolving anything,you're defending your right to
exist.
Healthy communication says Iwant to understand you.
Toxic communication says I wantto win.
So if every conversation leavesyou more confused than clear,
if you walk away questioningyour sanity, your tone or even
(22:49):
your intentions, that's notmiscommunication, that's
manipulation.
You walk away questioning yoursanity, your tone or even your
intentions.
That's not miscommunication,that's manipulation.
And I want to be really clear.
You are allowed to walk awayfrom a conversation that feels
like psychological warfare.
You are allowed to say I'm notengaging like this.
You are allowed to protect yourpeace.
(23:14):
Repair language in boundaryscripts.
So what do we do after thedamage has been done?
What does it look like torepair communication instead of
repeat the same toxic cycles?
Here's the truth.
Every relationship hits bumps,but in healthy ones, repair is
possible and repair is safe.
(23:37):
Let's start with repair languagewhat you can say when things go
sideways and you actually wantto heal, not harm.
If you messed up, I can hearhow I hurt you.
I wasn't seen clearly in thatmoment and I want to do better.
You could say you don't owe meforgiveness, but I owe you
(23:58):
change.
You can also say that wasn'tokay, I'm not proud of how I
reacted and I want to talk whenyou're ready.
If they messed up, but there'seffort you can say I need time
to process, but I appreciateyour accountability.
Or this hurt me and I need usto slow down so I don't go numb.
(24:22):
Or thank you for owning them.
What would repair look likefrom your end?
What would repair look likefrom your end If you're trying
to reconnect, you can say we gotoff track and I missed the
version of us that reallylistens.
Or can we try again.
I want to hear you withoutdefense, and I hope you'll hear
(24:47):
me too.
Or let's name what happenedwithout attacking each other.
And then there's the power of aboundary.
Boundaries aren't ultimatums.
They're limits you set toprotect your well-being, not
punish someone else.
Here are some boundary scriptsfor when communication keeps
getting weaponized.
When you're being gaslit, youcan say I'm open to feedback,
(25:10):
but not when it comes withdenial of my reality, or we
remember things differently andI'm not going to argue with my
own experience.
When you're being emotionallyattacked, you can say I'm not
okay with being spoken to thisway.
I'll continue this when we'reboth calm or criticism shuts me
(25:32):
down.
Let's try again later.
When they punish you withsilence, you can say if you need
space, that's okay, but pleasecommunicate that instead of
freezing me out.
Or I'm not doing silenttreatment games.
We can pause, but we also needrepair.
(25:54):
Boundaries withoutfollow-through are just
suggestions.
So if your boundary isconstantly being ignored, that's
not a miscommunication, that'sa message.
Here's the mantra I want you tohold on to I can be kind and
still protect myself.
I can be loving and still havelimits.
(26:14):
I can walk away fromconversations that try to unmake
me, because love isn't provenby how much damage you can
tolerate.
It's shown by how much truthyour relationship can hold and
still come back to safety.
The first time you set aboundary and someone's pissed,
that's not you being mean,that's them realizing the free
(26:37):
buffet of your emotional laboris closed.
How to know when to stay?
So here's the tricky truth.
Not all hard relationships aretoxic and not all toxic feeling
ones are doomed.
Sometimes what feels toxic isactually unhealed pain rubbing
(26:57):
up against unskilledcommunication.
So how do you know when it'sworth staying?
Here are some signs yourpartner takes actual
accountability no gaslighting,no deflection.
There's visible effort tochange, not just promises.
You both feel emotionally safeenough to be honest.
(27:19):
Therapy is on the table and notjust weaponized against you.
You're not afraid of theirreaction when you speak up.
Hard is not the same as harmfulIf your relationship has wounds
, but also the will to heal.
There may be something worthrebuilding.
How to know when to go?
(27:40):
But let's be real.
Sometimes the most loving thingyou can do is leave.
So here's how you know it'stime to go.
You're constantly in fight,flight or freeze.
You minimize your pain tojustify their behavior.
Your needs are ignored, mockedor punished.
Boundaries don't just getcrossed, they get erased.
(28:04):
You no longer recognize who youare in the relationship.
If your inner voice whispers,this isn't love anymore.
Listen, leaving isn't weak.
It's what self-respectsometimes looks like.
You can love someone and stilloutgrow the relationship.
You can forgive them and stillchoose distance, because staying
(28:28):
for potential is not arelationship.
It's a bet.
You keep losing when it's morethan toxic.
Let's talk about abuse Now,before we go any further, I need
to say this out loud If you'rein a relationship where there is
physical violence, threats,intimidation or fear for your
(28:49):
safety, this isn't just toxic,this is abuse.
I know that word can feel toobig, too dramatic, too final,
but abuse isn't just bruises,it's fear, it's control, it's
silence.
Abuse thrives in the shadows of.
He didn't mean to.
(29:10):
It was just one time.
I should have known better.
If someone is hitting you,threatening you, controlling who
you talk to, tracking yourlocation or making you afraid to
leave, that's not love, that'spower and control, and none of
it is your fault, not for lovingthem, not for staying, not for
(29:33):
surviving, however you needed to.
I want to share a story thatmirrors what I've heard from
more than one client over theyears, a composite of truths too
common to ignore.
She was smart.
She was smart, educated, had agreat job.
From the outside, her lifelooked fine, but her partner
(29:56):
controlled everything what shewore, who she talked to, how
long she stayed at work.
The first time he hurt her sheblamed herself.
The second time she hid it by.
The third she was Googling whathappens if I leave an abusive
relationship.
(30:16):
And you know what made her feelthe most shame that she loved
him, that her body still wantedhim.
That part of her believed shewas being too dramatic.
We entangled that shame insession after session.
(30:38):
When she finally left, quietly,safely, with help, she said
something I'll never forget.
The moment I stopped trying toconvince him to love me better
was the moment I started lovingmyself enough to walk away.
So if you're hearing this andthinking, maybe this, this is me
, it's okay if you're not readyto 88788.
(31:17):
You are not weak for beingafraid, you are not broken for
staying, and you are not alone.
And when you do leave because Ibelieve you will you don't walk
away empty.
You walk away with your lifeand maybe for the first time,
(31:39):
you walk back to yourself.
Reddit confessional.
One Reddit user posted thisunder relationships and I'll
paraphrase to protect privacyI've been with my partner for
five years.
He's never hit me, but everyargument ends with him calling
me crazy or threatening to leave.
(32:00):
I've stopped going out with myfriends.
I can't bring anything upwithout it turning into a fight.
I miss who I was before thisrelationship, but I also feel
like I'd be nothing without it.
That comment had over 6,000upvotes.
If that's not a mirror, I don'tknow what is.
When thousands of strangers sayI feel this too, we can't write
(32:25):
it off as a bad match.
This is a cultural woundpattern too many people
normalize, and if you sawyourself in that post, don't
scroll past that feeling.
It might be the part of youthat's still trying to save your
life, reclaiming yourself aftertoxic love.
So you've left or you'rethinking about it Now.
(32:49):
What?
Now you meet the version ofyourself who doesn't need to
perform to be loved, the one whoisn't in survival mode every
day, the one who stops blamingherself for not being enough for
someone who never knew how tolove in the first place.
Healing from toxic love isn'tlinear.
It's a reclamation.
You learn to trust your gutagain.
(33:12):
Beat your knees withoutapologizing, set boundaries and
keep them.
Let love in when it's safe andsecure, not chaotic and
confusing, and, most of all, youremember that your worth was
never dependent on someone elsechoosing you.
It's in how you choose yourself.
(33:33):
So what does healing actuallylook like?
Let's take a breath.
We've talked about the trauma,the patterns, the parts, but
what does healing actually looklike?
Here's the truth.
No one tells you.
Healing is kind of boring atfirst.
It's no longer riding emotionalroller coasters just to feel
(33:57):
alive.
It's not needing closure fromsomeone who couldn't give you
clarity while you were stillthere.
It's turning your phone on donot disturb and actually
enjoying the silence, cryingwithout shame, laughing again
without waiting for the othershoe to drop.
It's not linear.
You might grieve, you mightrelapse, you might miss them.
(34:20):
That doesn't mean you're goingbackwards.
That means you're human and,the best part, one day you'll
wake up and realize you didn'tthink about them first thing
this morning.
That's healing.
That's freedom.
That's you coming back to life.
(34:43):
Bad advice of the week All right, it's time for everybody's
favorite dumpster fire.
All right, it's time foreverybody's favorite dumpster
fire.
Bad advice of the week, thisweek's gem.
If they act out, it just meansthey're afraid to lose you.
Oh, so now?
Emotional immaturity isromantic.
Let me translate that for youYelling is not love, control is
(35:07):
not commitment and emotionalchaos isn't passion.
It's poor regulation.
If someone only treats youright when they fear losing you,
that's not a partner, that's apanic response.
Let's retire the idea thatdysfunction equals death.
There are better ways to feelspecial than being someone's
(35:28):
emotional hostage.
You are the proof.
You can begin again.
If you've been listening andthinking, this is me.
I want you to hear this You'renot weak, you're not broken and
you're not too far gone.
You've just been surviving arelationship that made you
(35:50):
forget your own strength.
Here's the truth.
You don't need to earn love byabandoning yourself.
You don't have to stay in a warjust to prove you're loyal.
You don't need another person'spermission to choose peace.
You don't need another person'spermission to choose peace.
(36:10):
Healing from a toxicrelationship isn't just about
leaving them.
It's about returning to you Inthat journey.
It's messy, it's nonlinear, butit is possible.
You are allowed to want more.
You are allowed to start over.
You are allowed to becomesomeone even you haven't met yet
(36:32):
, because the version of youthat rises after this, she's the
one who gets to build the kindof love that doesn't just
survive but feels like home.
And hey, if no one's told youthis today, you're not crazy,
you're not too much, you're notbroken.
You're just someone who'sfinally waking up from a love
(36:56):
that wasn't loving you back.
You don't need to explain yourhealing, you just need to honor
it.
If you've made it to the end ofthis episode, first of all, I'm
proud of you.
We've unraveled a lot, and ifyour brain is buzzing, your
(37:17):
heart is heavy, or you'restaring at your ceiling
wondering what the hell do I donow, that's okay.
You're not supposed to have allthe answers.
You're just supposed to gethonest, and you did that today.
So here's your reminder you arenot too broken to be loved.
You don't need to shrink to bechosen.
(37:38):
You are allowed to leave theversion of you who only knew how
to survive, the healed version.
This isina, licensed andunfiltered.
And until next time, keep doingthe messy, brave,
(38:01):
heart-wrecking work of cominghome to yourself.
You're not crazy, you're justhealing.
Thank you everyone.
Bye.
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