No One Tells You Motherhood Begins With Grief

Motherhood begins with a seismic identity shift that nobody prepares you for. That moment they hand you your baby and you're suddenly "Mom"—before you've even had time to process the transformation happening inside you.

The raw truth? Becoming a mother often begins with grief. Grief for your independence, your rhythms, and the version of yourself who didn't calculate nap windows or feel constantly needed. This profound psychological and emotional metamorphosis has a name: matricence. Like adolescence, it reshapes your entire being, yet society rarely acknowledges its existence or provides grace for women navigating this terrain.

When expectation crashes into reality, the disconnect can feel earth-shattering. You thought you'd feel whole, blissful, and instinctively wise, but instead, you're cracked open, hollow, flooded with self-doubt. You're never alone yet never felt more isolated. Your partner watches helplessly as you transform, creating a new kind of distance when connection feels most vital. And for the 1-in-7 women experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety, the journey becomes even more complex, clouded by intrusive thoughts, numbness, or hypervigilance that have nothing to do with your capacity for love.

Throughout this deeply personal episode, I share insights from my therapy practice and my own unraveling as a new mother. We explore motherhood as three emotional "trimesters"—from the raw beginnings of ages 0-6, through the sweet spot of ages 7-12, to the bittersweet letting go of ages 13-18. Each phase requires a different version of you, different boundaries, different strengths.

Whether you're in the trenches of early parenthood or supporting someone who is, remember this: You are not broken. You are not failing. You are becoming. Subscribe now to continue these unfiltered conversations about the transformations that shape our lives.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:15):
They hand you your baby, people cry.
You're supposed to feel bliss,right, but instead you're
exhausted, raw, scared and alittle hollow.
Nobody told you it might feellike grief, that you'd miss

(00:37):
yourself, that you'd wonder.
Is this normal or am I broken?
Hey friends, welcome back toLicensed and Unfiltered.
I'm your host, lina Keneally,marriage and family therapist,
mom and, in today's case, yourvery honest postpartum truth

(00:58):
teller.
Today I'm doing something alittle different.
This episode is deeply personal, deeply needed, and it comes
straight from the inside of myown unraveling, because becoming
a mom, it cracked me wide open.
If you've had a baby, are havingone, or love someone who just

(01:18):
did this one's for you, we'rediving into first-time
motherhood postpartum depression, identity loss, grief for your
former self, partner disconnect.
And, yes, we're talking to dadstoo.
This isn't a highlight reel.
It's the stuff no one warnedyou about.
Let's go, the IdentityEarthquake.

(01:45):
Everyone prepares you for labor.
No one prepares you for theexistential unraveling that
follows.
Your body doesn't feel likeyours.
You're bleeding, leaking,aching.
People are calling you mombefore you even recognize
yourself.
Here's the thing no one says.

(02:08):
Motherhood often begins withgrief Grief for your
independence, grief for your oldrhythms, grief for the version
of you who didn't constantlycalculate nap windows.
And then there's guilt, becauseshouldn't you be blissfully in
love with this new life?
Here's a therapy couch deepdive Matricence plus IFS.

(02:35):
Matricence is the psychological, hormonal and emotional
transformation into motherhood.
It's like adolescence, butwithout the cultural
acknowledgement or grace.
It's not just a role shift,it's an identity earthquake From
an internal family systems lens.
This transition activates awhole system of parts inside you

(02:59):
A protector part that says holdit together, be the strong one.
A manager part that wants toplan, organize, fix and get it
right.
An exile part that carries thegrief of who you were before the
carefree, confident,independent you.
A people-pleasing part thatfears judgment, especially from

(03:27):
family, society or your owninner critic.
These parts all mean well.
They're trying to keep you safein a season that feels wildly
uncertain, but they can alsoconflict with one another and
that internal chaos can feeloverwhelming.
When we acknowledge these parts, give them voice and approach
them with compassion, we beginto integrate rather than

(03:49):
fracture.
Matrisense isn't about becomingsomeone new and abandoning your
past.
It's about inviting your wholeself into the room, making space
for all of you.
You're not broken.
You're evolving.
You're not lost, you're layered.
You are not alone in this innertug of war.

(04:11):
You are in transition, and thatdeserves reverence.
The expectation gap here'ssomething no one warns you about
how different motherhood looksfrom how you imagined it.
You thought you'd feel whole,blissful, glowing with maternal

(04:32):
wisdom, but instead you'recracked open hollow, flooded
with self-doubt.
You pictured cozy snuggles andpeaceful feeding sessions, not
the frantic googling nipple,pain and tears that don't have a
name.
You thought you'd know exactlywhat to do, but instead you're

(04:53):
navigating by instinct, momentto moment, breath by breath.
And then there's the birthitself a rite of passage unlike
any other.
The birth itself a rite ofpassage unlike any other.
You walk into the hospitalscared, unsure, wide-eyed, and
then suddenly you're a mother.
Your body, in all its power andpain, delivers life and

(05:23):
something in you is born too.
It's profound in ways onlyother mothers can understand.
It breaks you and builds you.
And then, just when you'restill trying to process what
happened, they hand you,discharge papers and send you
home.
You look down at your newborn,your body stitched and sore,
your heart raw and confused, andthink wait, they're just going
to let me leave with this tinyhuman.

(05:45):
Am I actually qualified to takecare of them?
The truth about postpartum andbaby blues.
Let's clear something up.
Baby blues and postpartumdepression are not the same.
Not the same.

(06:09):
Baby blues affects 80% of newmoms.
You can experience mood swings,overwhelm or irritability.
It can begin a few days afterbirth and can fade in two to
four weeks.
Postpartum depression affectsone in seven women.
It can show up any time in thefirst year one in seven women.
It can show up anytime in thefirst year and symptoms include
numbness, rage, panic attacks,intrusive thoughts and

(06:35):
disconnection.
Then there's postpartum anxietyand OCD.
You can experience intrusivethoughts about harm,
hypervigilance and compulsivechecking or safety behaviors.
If this is you, you are not abad mom.

(07:04):
You are not dangerous.
You are not alone.
The loneliness is loud.
You're never alone and yetyou've never felt more isolated.
No one texts you anymore.
They text how's the baby?
Your friendships shift.
Your sense of purpose andidentity are tangled in spit up
and sleep schedules.
And here's the hidden truthLoneliness and motherhood is a

(07:28):
hollow kind of ape.
It's not just the absence ofpeople, it's the absence of
being truly seen.
Sometimes you're holding yourbaby, yet feel like no one is
holding you.
The silence in your own headcan get deafening.
The stillness in the middle ofthe night feels like it might
swallow you, you question ifyou've disappeared completely.

(07:53):
Postpartum can be the mostfragile time in a relationship.
The baby arrives and suddenlyeverything feels unequal, off
balance and unspoken.
You're physically healing,emotionally drained and
constantly needed In yourpartner.
They're watching you go throughsomething monumental, often

(08:14):
feeling helpless.
Emotional labor skyrockets.
You become the default parent.
You notice the bottles aren'twashed.
You feel resentment and thenguilt for feeling it.
You want help, but you don'twant to have to ask.
You want presence, not justtasks checked off.

(08:35):
The intimacy gap grows, notjust physically but emotionally.
You look at each other acrossthe room, both exhausted and
wonder how to bridge the divide.
Here's a thought.
You won't always get it right,but naming what's hard and
choosing each other again andagain, that's the love story.

(08:58):
The first time dad experience,moms grow into motherhood.
Dads are thrust into fatherhoodovernight.
Moms get nine months of prep.
Dads show up to the hospitaland leave with the baby.
Dads often don't feel bondedright away, feel helpless or

(09:20):
unsure or carry pressure to bestrong and supportive.
Did you know that 1 in 10 dadsexperience postpartum depression
?
Here's a thought.
Dads need space too, and theyneed space to say I'm struggling

(09:43):
.
The three trimesters ofmotherhood.
Let's reframe motherhood not bydevelopmental stages of the
child, but by emotionaltrimesters of the mother.
Think of it as a long journeythrough three distinct seasons,
each layered with its ownidentity, identity shifts, grief

(10:06):
and growth.
This isn't a medical framework.
It's a metaphorical one, a mapfor the emotional landscape that
so many mothers walk.
First trimester of motherhoodbirth to age six.
This is the raw beginning thefog, the sleep, deprivation and

(10:28):
identity loss.
You're thrown into 24-7caregiving with no manual and an
entire universe depending onyou.
Your body is healing, yourbrain is rewiring.
You're adjusting to theconstantness of motherhood, how
it never ends and never pauses.
You cry in the laundry room,you cry in the shower.

(10:52):
You feel like you disappeared.
You love this little human sodeeply it aches.
But you also grieve the versionof yourself who had space to be
anything else.
This is the season of merging,where your life feels enmeshed
with theirs and you're learning,often painfully, that you can't

(11:13):
pour from an empty cup.
Second trimester of motherhoodis ages 7 to 12.
This is where you start to findyour footing again.
Your child is more independent.
They dress themselves, theyhave friends, you can breathe,
even if only slightly.
This is the sweet spot for manymoms.

(11:35):
The bond is strong, thelaughter comes easier, you start
to see glimpses of the womanyou used to be and the woman
you've become.
There's room again for yourdreams, room for work, hobbies,
relationships outside ofparenting.
But even here there's tension,guilt, the push and pull between

(12:01):
needing space and fearingyou're missing something.
Third trimester of motherhood isages 13 to 18.
This is where it all starts toloosen.
They push back, they pull away,they try on independence like a
new outfit and you become thisslow process of letting go.
You find yourself nostalgic forthe mess, the noise, the chaos.

(12:25):
You start counting the lasts.
Last time you pack a lunch,last time they ask you for
advice, last time they fallasleep on your shoulder, and
even though your job is to raisethem to leave, you grieve again
, but this grief comes withpride, with awe.
You realize your motherhood isno longer about keeping them

(12:53):
close but about releasing them.
Well, this final trimester isabout preparing to birth them
into the world, not from yourbody but from your daily life.
And, like the first time, it'spainful, beautiful and
transformative.
Motherhood is not one longseason.
It's a cycle of becoming againand again, and each trimester

(13:14):
requires a different version ofyou different boundaries,
different softness, differentstrength.
You are evolving as they are,and every version of you
deserves to be honored.
Healing isn't linear.
Some days you'll feelunstoppable, others you'll

(13:39):
fantasize about disappearing for24 hours.
Let that be okay.
Small wins count.
A walk, a deep breath, a textto a friend and asking for help.

(14:02):
Here's some bad advice of theweek be present for every moment
sounds lovely, right, buthere's the truth.
It's impossible.
You are not a machine.
You're a human.
You will miss moments, you'llzone out, you'll be tired,
distracted or simply trying tosurvive, and that's okay.
The pressure to soak in everysingle second can actually steal
the joy from the present.

(14:22):
What matters is that you showup with love, not perfection.
Here's a journal prompt for you.
What part of me do I miss andwhat part of me is trying to
emerge now?
Letter to the woman you were.
You can either rewrite this oneor write your own.

(14:52):
Dear you, I know you're tired,not just physically, but soul
tired, the kind of tired thatcomes from being everything to
everyone and feeling like you'vesomehow lost the map back to
yourself.
I see you.
I see the way you hold it alltogether.
The bottle feeds see you, I seethe way you hold it all

(15:17):
together the bottle feeds, thebedtime routines, the silent
tears in the bathroom.
I see how you smile and nod,even when you feel like you're
unraveling inside.
You miss her, the version ofyou who laughed easily, who
danced in the kitchen, who woreher confidence like a second
skin, the one who didn't secondguess everything, the one who

(15:38):
didn't carry guilt like abackpack.
But here's what you don'talways see she's still there.
She's just layered now, wrappedin wisdom, softened by love,
sharpened by pain.
You've grown in ways you don'tgive yourself credit for.
You've learned to love with theferocity that rewired your

(16:00):
heart.
You've shown up on days youwanted to quit.
You've stayed when it was hard.
You've evolved.
You are not less.
You are more, morecompassionate, more resilient,
more tuned in to what reallymatters.

(16:20):
You don't have to do thisperfectly.
You don't have to proveanything.
You just have to keep showingup with grace for yourself and
softness for your story.
Let the tears come when theyneed to.
Let the laughter return whenit's ready.
Let the dreams you shelvedwhisper to you again.

(16:42):
You're not gone.
You're becoming, with love andhonor for every version of you.
Me Closing Reflection you arenot broken, you are not failing.
You are becoming.
Thank you for showing up forthis conversation and, most

(17:06):
importantly, for showing up foryourself.
If this episode stirredsomething in you or made you
feel even slightly less alone, Ihope you know that that was the
point.
You're not the only onenavigating this messy, beautiful
, terrifying transformation.
Motherhood isn't a destination.
It's a lifetime of becoming,and every season you walk

(17:29):
through reshapes you in a newway.
You will outgrow old versionsof yourself.
You will grieve who you were,celebrate who you are and
sometimes question who you'rebecoming.
But here's what's constant yourstrength, your softness and your

(17:51):
ability to begin again.
So if you find yourself cryingin the car, staring at the
monitor at 3 am or wondering ifanyone else has ever felt this
hollow and this full at the sametime, please hear me when I say
you are not alone.
If this resonated with you,share it with a friend who might
need it too.
Let this be the conversationthat opens another door.
Until next time, be kind toyour nervous system, give your

(18:17):
inner parts space to speak andremember you don't have to do
this perfectly.
You just have to keep showingup.
You've got this, mama.
See you next week.