June 19, 2025 • 49 mins
Sex. Just reading that word might make your palms sweat or trigger your inner middle schooler to blush. But why? In a world saturated with sexualized images, why do so many women still feel profound shame about their desires, bodies, and pleasure?
This episode tears down the walls of sexual shame, exposing the systems that taught us to silence our needs, question our worth, and disconnect from our bodies. We unpack how inadequate sex education, religious purity culture, and the Madonna-Whore Complex work together to create a perfect storm of confusion and guilt around female sexuality. These aren't just abstract concepts—they're the root causes behind why 60% of women under 35 feel embarrassed about their sexual desires.
We dive deep into the pleasure gap (men orgasm 95% of the time in heterosexual encounters while women reach climax only 65% of the time), the myth of "low libido" women (who often just experience desire differently), and how trauma, childbirth, and relationship dynamics affect our relationship with sex. Through therapeutic frameworks and practical advice, we explore how to close these gaps, communicate needs, and reclaim pleasure without performance pressure.
Whether you're struggling with disconnection from your body, confusion about your desires, or shame about your sexual history, this episode offers something revolutionary: permission. Permission to want, to not want, to explore, to heal, and to come home to your body at your own pace. Because you weren't born feeling shame about sex—you were taught it. And what's learned can be unlearned.
Ready to shake off the shame and reclaim your sexuality on your own terms? Listen now, and remember: your body isn't broken. The system is.
Never get behind on notes again—AI clinical notes & transcription for therapists, HIPAA-secure.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
let's just say it sex .
Are your palms sweating, yet isyour inner middle schooler
blushing?
Don't worry, you're not alone.
Somehow, in the year 2025, westill live in a world where
women are expected to besexually available but not too
(00:26):
available, where you're praisedfor being a good girl and
punished the second you admityou've enjoyed anything other
than missionary, with the lightsoff.
We've been handed a rule bookwe never agreed to one that says
curiosity is dirty, pleasure isshameful and if you talk about
sex you must be damaged,desperate or doing too much.
(00:49):
But here's the thing Sex isn'tdirty.
Shame is.
In this episode of Licensed andUnfiltered, we're diving into
the shame women carry about sexwhere it starts, why it's so
damn sticky and what it takes toshake it off.
Spoiler it's not you, it's thesystem.
(01:12):
So if you've ever felt weirdabout wanting sex, not wanting
sex, faking orgasms, googlingthings, you were too afraid to
ask or wondering if you'rebroken, you're exactly who this
episode is for.
Let's go there Unfiltered,unapologetic and maybe a little
(01:34):
TMI Sex ed or shame ed.
Let's talk about how most of uslearned about sex Through a
terrified gym teacher, a bananaand a VHS tape that looked like
it was filmed in 1983.
And that's if we were lucky.
(01:54):
In the US, only 29 states arerequired to teach sex education
and out of those, only 18require that the information be
medically accurate, which begsthe question what the hell are
the rest of them teachingAstrology and abstinence?
According to a 2023 report fromthe Guttmacher Institute, over
(02:19):
40% of students receiveabstinence-only sex education.
Of students receiveabstinence-only sex education.
That means no real talk aboutconsent, pleasure, lgbtq plus
identities or even how ourbodies actually work.
Just don't do it.
But if you do, don't tell us.
(02:39):
And also, it's probably yourfault.
It's probably your fault.
And for girls, oh, the messageis layered Protect your
virginity, dress modestly, don'ttempt the boys.
Translation your body isdangerous, your sexuality is a
(03:03):
liability and if anything goeswrong, you're to blame.
You know what that createsWomen who enter adulthood
thinking they're broken if theywant sex and still broken if
they don't.
One study from PlannedParenthood found that 60% of
women under 35 said they feltashamed or embarrassed about
their sexual desires desires 60%.
(03:30):
That's not a personal issue,that's a systemic one.
And let's not even talk aboutpleasure, because, guess what?
Most sex ed curricula nevereven mention the clitoris.
It's the Voldemort of anatomy,he who must not be named.
So we grow up thinking sex issomething done to us, not for us
or even with us.
No wonder so many womenstruggle with desire,
(03:51):
communication or even knowingwhat turns them on.
But you know what's wild?
The moment you give a womanpermission to unlearn that shame
, her whole relationship to sexand herself can change.
Because it turns out, when westop teaching fear, guilt and
silence, what's left iscuriosity, connection and
(04:15):
confidence.
Imagine that Sex ed thatactually includes women.
The Madonna Horror Complex Ahyes, the Madonna Horror Complex,
also known as the emotionalequivalent of a no-win situation
(04:37):
, coined by Freud, because ofcourse it was.
The Madonna whore complexdescribes how women are placed
into two impossible categories.
You're either the pure,nurturing, sexless Madonna or
the sexy, wild, desirable butmorally bankrupt whore.
(04:58):
No in-between, no nuance, justbinary boxes and a whole lot of
shame.
You're supposed to be a lady inthe streets, a freak in the
sheets?
Hell yeah.
But God help you if anyonefinds out about the second part.
And this isn't just theory.
This shows up everywhere In popculture.
(05:19):
Think Marilyn versus Jackie,beyonce versus Becky with the
good hair.
Even Taylor Swift had to gothrough her.
You Belong With Me era toreclaim her sexuality In
relationships.
How many women get labeled wifeymaterial or just a hookup,
based on how quickly orconfidently they express desire?
(05:40):
Research backs this up too.
A 2020 study in sex roles foundthat men often perceive
sexually assertive women as lesscompetent, less trustworthy and
less suitable for long-termrelationships.
So let's get this straight Ifwe don't enjoy sex, we're frigid
(06:01):
.
If we do enjoy sex, we're sluts.
If we initiate sex, we'reaggressive.
If we want emotional connection, we're clingy.
Honestly, it's exhausting andthe kicker.
Many women internalize thisnonsense.
We start policing ourselves, wesilence our fantasies, we
(06:26):
downplay our desire, we keep ournumber to ourselves like it's
the nuclear code, Because deepdown, we've been taught that our
worth is tied to how well wefit into the role men assign us.
But guess what?
You don't owe anyone yourinnocence, your modesty or your
sexual restraint.
You don't have to be one or theother.
(06:47):
You get to be fully both orneither.
You can bake banana bread andask for a spanking.
You can be nurturing andnaughty.
You're not broken.
You're just human.
And if the system makes youfeel like you have to choose
between being respected andbeing fully embodied, the system
(07:08):
is the problem, not you Purityculture, where shame got its
halo.
If you grew up in a religioushousehold conservative,
evangelical, catholic, evenmildly traditional chances are
you were introduced to purityculture.
(07:29):
You remember the silver rings,the true love wades, rallies,
the message that your virginitywas a gift for your husband.
Translation your body doesn'tbelong to you.
And purity wasn't just aboutabstaining from sex.
It was about emotional purity,thought purity, clothing purity
(07:53):
God forbid a bra strap showsomeone might sin because of you
.
And if you did have sex,willingly or not, you weren't
just guilty, you were ruinedused gum, a chewed-up piece of
candy, a gift no longer worthgiving.
According to a 2019 Barna Groupstudy, over 70% of women who
(08:19):
participated in purity culturesaid they carried long-term
shame about their sexuality.
In purity culture said theycarried long-term shame about
their sexuality even intomarriage.
The wild thing is, many ofthese women saved sex for
marriage and still felt ashamedduring it.
(08:39):
I've worked with women who shutdown sexually because they were
taught their desire wasdangerous.
And I've worked with women whofeel nothing during sex because
they were never taught to feelanything.
And here's the emotional damageno one talks about.
Women in purity culture aretold their value comes from
their sexual restraint and yet,once married, they're expected
to suddenly flip a switch andbecome sexual goddesses.
(09:01):
That's not sexual empowerment,that's performance.
And when it doesn't work theyblame themselves.
But if you're struggling itdoesn't mean you're broken, it
means you were programmed.
The good news Programming can berewritten.
Be rewritten the Therapy RoomConfessional.
(09:29):
Here's what I see in thetherapy room Women who whisper.
They whisper things like I'venever had an orgasm.
I fake it every time.
I don't know how to ask forwhat I want.
I don't know how to ask forwhat I want.
I feel gross when I feelaroused.
These aren't fringe cases, thisis the norm.
(09:51):
Sex is supposed to be aboutconnection and pleasure, but for
many women it's aboutperformance, anxiety and
disconnection from their ownbodies.
Shame shows up as tensionduring intimacy, loss of desire,
avoidance of physical touch,hyper-awareness of your body,
mid-sex ie thinking about yourstomach instead of the moment.
(10:14):
And I'll say this loud andclear you can't heal what you
feel too ashamed to talk about.
That's why therapy matters.
It's not about becoming somekind of sexual expert.
It's about feeling safe in yourown skin, sometimes for the
first time ever.
The goal isn't to fix your sexlife, it's to reclaim it.
(10:52):
Men, women and the pleasure game.
Let's talk about the wildreality that sex is not
experienced equally, and I'm notjust talking about orgasms,
although, yes, we will get tothat.
Here's the deal.
For heterosexual couples, sexoften centers on male pleasure,
not because men are selfish, butbecause we've all been
conditioned to believe that maledesire is normal, expected and
(11:12):
linear, while female desire ismysterious, complicated and
optional.
But sex doesn't work the sameway for everyone.
Men tend to experience desireas more spontaneous, like a
light switch.
Women often experience it asresponsive, more like a dimmer.
That doesn't mean women areless sexual.
(11:32):
It means we need differentthings to get in the mood.
And yet most sexual experiencesare modeled off of male desire
Fast buildup, quick arousal,orgasm as the end goal.
No wonder women are feelingdisconnected.
We're playing by rules thatweren't made for us.
(11:55):
Here's a stat that says it all.
According to the Journal of Sexand Marital Therapy, in
heterosexual encounters, menorgasm 95% of the time, women
Just 65%.
That's called the pleasure gap.
And that gap gets even wider ifwomen feel pressure to perform,
(12:17):
be low-maintenance or suppresstheir needs.
Meanwhile, men are rarelyashamed for wanting sex.
In fact, it's expected, they'repraised for it.
Their porn use is normalized,their exploration is encouraged.
But when women express desire,they're called needy or slutty
(12:41):
or too much.
So we learn to minimize, to goalong to fake it and somewhere
in the mix we forget that sex issupposed to be mutual,
collaborative, safe, notperformative, not painful, not
one-sided.
That's why conversations aboutsex need to include gendered
(13:03):
conditioning, because it's notjust about anatomy, it's about
the scripts we've been handedsince puberty and the courage it
takes to rewrite them Closingthe Gap, rebalancing the Bedroom
.
So now that we've named thepleasure gap, let's talk about
(13:24):
what to do about it, because, ifwe're being honest, most people
want better sex.
They just don't know how totalk about it without things
getting awkward, defensive orshut down completely.
Here's the secret saucePleasure isn't about performance
, it's about presence.
So how do we close the gap?
(13:46):
Here's where to start.
1.
Slow it down.
Men are often aroused fasterNot always, but commonly Women's
arousal tends to take longerand is not always in sync with
their mental desire.
(14:06):
That means foreplay isn'toptional, it's essential, and
not just for three minutes whileNetflix loads.
2.
Make pleasure the goal, notorgasm.
If the only goal is climax, itbecomes a race.
If the only goal is climax, itbecomes a race.
(14:27):
But when we focus on curiosity,sensation and exploration,
everyone's experience getsricher.
Number three encourageself-awareness before partnered
awareness.
Ask yourself what feels good toyou, what do you enjoy?
When do you feel most safe?
(14:47):
If you can't answer that, it'stime to explore without shame,
solo or with a therapist.
I want to feel closer duringsex, not just perform it, or I'd
love for us to explore more ofwhat feels good for me isn't
(15:08):
selfish, it's honest.
Number five redefine good sex.
Good sex isn't about acrobaticsor how many positions you tried
.
It's about connection, safety,communication, laughter,
presence.
And here's something radicalyou don't have to match each
(15:32):
other's desire perfectly to haveamazing sex.
You just have to respect eachother's needs, create safety and
be willing to get curious.
And be willing to get curious,because when both people feel
seen, heard and safe, that'swhen sex becomes healing instead
(15:55):
of performative.
Closing the pleasure gap isn'tjust a sexual act, it's an act
of emotional justice, and itstarts with conversations like
this one, like this one.
Dear men, this episode is foryou too.
All right, let's take a momentto talk directly to the men
listening, because I know someof you are here trying to
(16:16):
understand your partner, maybefeeling confused, maybe even
hurt or rejected.
First, let me say this Thankyou for listening.
You're already doing more thanmost.
Here's the thing If the womenyou love has pulled away
sexually, it doesn't mean shedoesn't love you.
(16:37):
It doesn't mean she's broken orcold or doesn't find you
attractive.
What it might mean is this shefeels emotionally exhausted.
She's disconnected from her ownbody.
She's carrying unspoken shame.
That has nothing to do with youand I know that can feel
(16:57):
personal, but here's what youcan do Be curious instead of
defensive.
Ask how she wants to feelduring intimacy, not just what
she wants to do, and remembershe's not rejecting you.
She's trying to reconnect withherself.
Sex can't be safe if it's fullof pressure, but emotional
(17:21):
safety that's the sexiest thingyou can offer her.
You don't need to be perfect,you just need to be present and
willing to hear her story, evenif she's still finding the words
, because the more safety youcreate, the more connection
she'll find.
(17:46):
The Myth of the Low Libido Woman.
Let's bust a myth that hauntsso many women the idea that we
just don't want sex.
First off, desire isn'tone-size-fits-all.
There's spontaneous desire, theI'm suddenly horny out of
nowhere, kind.
(18:07):
And then there's responsivedesire, which kicks in after
things get going.
Most men are socialized aroundspontaneous desire.
Most women are shamed out ofdesire entirely.
A 2022 study published inArchives of Sexual Behavior
found that up to 40% of womenwho report low libido actually
(18:30):
fall into the responsive desirecategory, meaning they're not
broken.
They just need safety,connection and time.
But when women are told they'reless sexual by default, they
start carrying that as true.
They think something's wrongwith them and, worse, they
assume sex is something theyhave to endure instead of
(18:50):
something they can enjoy.
Let me be crystal clear.
Desire doesn't look like itdoes in the movies.
It doesn't always start in thebody.
It often starts in the brain.
Women need context.
They need a break fromcaregiving.
They need to feel emotionallysafe.
That's not high maintenance,that's just honest.
(19:13):
Why he's ready and you'rewondering if he even likes you
and you're wondering if he evenlikes you.
Let's just name it.
For a lot of women, sex is aboutconnection.
For a lot of men, sex createsconnection.
(19:34):
That difference, it's not justpersonal.
It's biological, psychologicaland cultural.
According to a massivemeta-analysis published in the
Journal of Sex Research, womenare significantly more likely
than men to need emotionalintimacy and relational security
in order to feel sexual desire.
(19:56):
Meanwhile, men are more likelyto experience desires
spontaneous, often disconnectedfrom emotional intimacy,
especially in earlyrelationships.
And that's not because men areemotionally shallow, it's
because of how desire works intheir bodies and how they've
been socialized.
Men are taught that sex issuccess, that it proves
(20:18):
masculinity.
Women are taught that sex isvulnerability, that it risks
reputation, safety or rejection.
So while he might see sex as aform of closeness, she may feel
like she needs closeness to evenwant it.
Let me give you an example Isee all the time in couples
therapy.
She says I don't want sexunless I feel emotionally close.
(20:40):
He says I don't feelemotionally close unless we have
sex.
Sex and boom, we've got a cycle.
If no one talks about it, itturns into resentment, avoidance
, shame or a standoff.
But when couples do talk aboutit, the magic starts to happen,
(21:01):
because now we're not justnegotiating logistics, we're
honoring emotional needs.
So if you're a woman who needsto feel emotionally safe before
you want sex, that's not a flaw.
That's your body's way ofprotecting you.
And if you're a man who feelsloved and connected through sex,
that's valid too.
But here's the kicker If wedon't talk about these
(21:25):
differences openly, we end upmisreading each other.
Women think men just wantphysical release.
Men think women are rejectingthem not the context, when in
reality, both want intimacy.
They're just coming at it fromdifferent angles.
And once you understand that,you stop trying to fix desire
(21:47):
and start creating a space whereboth people feel met, because
sex isn't just about bodies.
It's about nervous systems, andwomen's nervous systems often
need emotional safety beforephysical desire shows up.
Here are some supporting stats.
A 2017 study in the Journal ofSex Research found that
(22:10):
emotional closeness was the mostfrequently cited motivator for
sex in women, whereas men citedphysical attraction and
opportunity more often.
Research from Kinsey Institutealso shows that in long-term
relationships, men reportgreater satisfaction when sex is
frequent, while women reportgreater satisfaction when
(22:31):
emotional intimacy is high, evenif sex isn't frequent.
Esther Perel puts it perfectlyfor women, desire is not always
the cause of sex.
It's often the result of it.
Sexual trauma isn't the end ofthe story.
(22:52):
And now for the women listeningwho have experienced sexual
trauma Maybe it was a one-timeexperience, maybe it was
long-term, maybe it happenedyears ago and you're only now
realizing how it shaped yourview of sex, your body, your
self-worth.
If you've been carrying thatpain, this episode might have
(23:15):
stirred something up, and I wantyou to know you are not alone.
According to RAINN, one in sixwomen have experienced an
attempted or completed sexualassault, and that number doesn't
even touch the unreported, theminimized or the misunderstood.
Trauma rewires your brain.
It changes your body'srelationship to safety and
(23:37):
pleasure.
It makes desire feel scary,confusing or even non-existent.
And guess what?
That's a normal response to anabnormal violation.
So if you've avoided sex, ifyou've dissociated during
intimacy, if you felt like yourbody isn't yours, that doesn't
(24:00):
make you broken.
That makes you a survivor.
Healing is possible, but it hasto happen in a way that your
body leads.
But it has to happen in a waythat your body leads, and that
(24:24):
might mean trauma-informedtherapy, somatic work or EMDR,
redefining sex on your own terms, saying no until your nervous
system says yes.
And if you've never told anyoneyour story, here's what I want
you to hear you deserve healing.
You deserve healing.
You deserve safety.
You deserve a relationship toyour body that's rooted in
(24:45):
respect, not fear.
Your trauma isn't your faultand your healing is your right.
To the woman disconnected fromher body, let's talk to the
woman who doesn't feel like shelives in her body anymore.
Maybe it's been years, maybe ithappened after a breakup, a
(25:05):
betrayal, a trauma, a baby, ormaybe it just crept in after
years of putting everyone elsefirst.
You're not numb because you'recold.
You're numb because your bodyhas been trying to protect you.
You've survived, you've held ittogether, you've made it
through things you never talkabout.
(25:25):
But now you feel distant fromyour own skin.
You look in the mirror andthink I don't even recognize her
Touch feels overwhelming orirritating or like something
you're supposed to get through,and you wonder why don't I feel
anything anymore?
The answer might not be in yourlibido.
(25:48):
It might be in your nervoussystem.
Your body may be in freeze mode, not because you're broken, but
because somewhere along the wayyou learned it wasn't safe to
fully be here.
So if sex feels like pressure,if you avoid being seen naked,
if pleasure feels unreachable,you're not alone and you're not
(26:10):
beyond repair.
Here's where we start.
Gentle curiosity, touch yourarm, close your eyes, breathe.
What do you feel?
Even if it's nothing, can yoube with that Slow re-entry?
(26:31):
Sensuality doesn't start in thebedroom.
It starts in the way you shower, eat, dress, move.
Let your body be experiencedagain without an audience.
Let go of performance.
You don't have to feel sexy toreclaim your body.
(26:52):
You just have to feel safe andask yourself what does my body
need today?
Not look like need and maybemost importantly, give yourself
permission to come back inslowly.
You don't have to forceintimacy before you feel ready.
(27:14):
You are still in there beneaththe shutdown, the numbness, the
pressure.
She's still there and whenshe's ready to return, you'll
welcome her without judgment.
Her without judgment.
(27:39):
What if I don't even know what'swrong?
So let's say you're listeningto this and thinking, yeah, this
resonates, but I don't evenknow what my issue is.
I just feel, ah, disconnected,like I'm floating outside my
body.
First of all, that's not weird,that's human.
In therapy I hear this all thetime.
I'm not even sure what'sbothering me.
I just know I'm not okay.
(28:01):
I feel numb, but I also feeloverwhelmed.
I don't even know who I amanymore.
That disorientation isn'tfailure.
It's a signal.
It means your inner world isasking for attention, not
answers, just attention.
So what do you do when youdon't even know what's wrong?
(28:22):
You start small and get curious.
Here's how I help clientsrediscover themselves when they
feel emotionally disconnected.
1.
Get out of fix-it mode.
You don't need to solveanything right away.
You need to notice.
Practice asking what am Ifeeling right now?
(28:43):
Where do I feel that in my body?
What would I name thissensation if I had to?
2.
Track emotional rhythms.
Instead of waiting for clarity,pay attention to when you feel
most drained or most alive.
What kinds of conversationslight you up?
When do you feel the urge towithdraw?
(29:04):
These are breadcrumbs back toyour center.
These are breadcrumbs back toyour center.
3.
Shift from judgment tocompassion Instead of why can't
(29:25):
I figure this out?
Try, what part of me is askingto be seen?
4.
Create space to feel, not justthink.
Most women live in survivalmode.
Think, perform, push through.
But healing happens when youfeel safe enough to just be.
That's where journaling, breathwork therapy, even solo walks,
(29:53):
can become sacred, not becausethey fix you, but because they
reconnect you to yourself.
5.
Name your unmet need.
If you feel disconnected,exhausted or numb, it's not
always trauma.
Sometimes it's simply years ofsilencing your own needs.
Ask what do I wish someonewould give me right now?
Or what have I beendeprioritizing that I actually
(30:15):
miss?
Sometimes the answer isn't sex.
It's rest or play or creativity, or just someone to ask how
you're really doing.
And here's the reframe I wantyou to hold close you don't have
to understand your breakdown tobegin your breakthrough.
(30:35):
You're allowed to show up messy.
You're allowed to ask for helpbefore you can explain why you
need it.
Because rediscovery doesn'tstart with clarity.
It starts with permission,therapy time, sex safety and the
(30:56):
attachment lens.
Okay, it's time to put on ourtherapy goggles for a sec.
Let's talk about why sex canfeel so loaded, mismatched or
even painful, especially inlong-term relationships.
And for that we need to bringin one of my favorite frameworks
attachment theory.
(31:17):
This isn't just psychobabble.
This explains why so manycouples end up in the same
frustrating dance.
Here's the quick and dirtyversion.
If you have a secure attachment,sex and emotional connection
usually flow both ways.
But if you've got anxious oravoidant patterns, sex can
(31:37):
become a battlefield or aperformance or a shutdown.
And here's where it gets spicy.
A lot of anxiously attachedpeople, often but not always
women, need emotionalreassurance before sex, while
many avoidantly attached peopleagain often, but not always, men
(31:58):
use sex to access closenessthey struggle to express
emotionally.
So now you've got this loop Oneperson saying I can't have sex
unless I feel emotionally safe.
The other is saying I can'tfeel emotionally unless I feel
emotionally safe.
The other is saying I can'tfeel emotionally safe unless
we're having sex.
Boom, emotional stalemate.
And if we don't name that, itturns into shame, resentment and
(32:23):
the dreaded.
We're just roommates.
Now vibe In therapy.
I often use emotionally focusedtherapy to help couples untangle
.
This EFT focuses on naming theemotional cycle, creating safety
to express vulnerability,building secure connection both
in and out of the bedroom.
(32:43):
Because the truth is, sex isn'tjust about physical desire.
It's about feeling chosen, seenand emotionally safe.
So when someone pulls away fromsex, they're not always
rejecting you.
They might be protectingthemselves.
And when someone pushes for sex, they're not always pressuring
(33:03):
you.
They might be asking forconnection in the only way they
know how.
When we can see our partner'sbeds for connection, even if it
looks different from ours,that's when intimacy starts to
rebuild.
So here's your therapy takeawayAsk not just what's happening
in the bedroom, but what'shappening emotionally between
(33:25):
you two, because the bedroom isoften a mirror of your emotional
world and when you heal thedisconnection outside of sex,
the pleasure, trust and desireit has a way of coming back From
birth to bedroom.
Why nobody warns you about thispart?
(33:47):
Okay, let's talk aboutsomething that hits hard for a
lot of women Postpartum sex andbody image, because people love
to ask when's the baby due, butno one ever asks.
Hey, how's your relationship toyour body and sexuality now
that your insides have beenrearranged by a human?
Childbirth changes everythingphysically, hormonally,
(34:12):
emotionally.
Your hormones crash, yourpelvic floor takes a hit, your
boobs are suddenly food sourcesand your identity shaken,
stirred and served with a sideof what even is sex anymore sex
(34:34):
and served with the sight ofwhat even is sex anymore.
And on top of all that, we'reexpected to bounce back to our
bodies, our confidence and oursex lives as if nothing happened
.
Spoiler alert something didhappen.
A whole ass person came out ofyour body, and yet so many women
feel ashamed for not wantingsex after birth or for wanting
it, but feeling disconnectedfrom their bodies.
(34:57):
Here's what the research says.
According to a study publishedin BJOG, an international
journal of obstetrics andgynecology, 83% of women
experience sexual problems inthe first three months
postpartum.
Even at six months postpartum,over half still report issues
(35:18):
with desire, arousal andconfidence.
And it's not just about thephysical trauma.
It's about the emotionalwhiplash you go from being
celebrated as a glowing goddessto being exhausted, touched out
and quietly grieving the bodyyou no longer recognize.
And that grief, that discomfort, that silence around it.
(35:40):
It creates shame.
I've had clients say things likeI feel guilty because my
partner wants me and I justdon't want to be touched.
I don't even feel like myselfanymore.
How can I feel sexy?
I miss my old body, but I feelselfish for saying that.
Let me say this clearly you arenot broken, you are becoming.
(36:03):
Your sexuality didn't disappear, it's just evolving.
Disappear, it's just evolving.
So what can help Time?
Give yourself grace.
You don't have to rush backinto intimacy, non-sexual touch,
reconnect with your bodywithout expectation, body
(36:26):
neutrality.
You don't have to love yourbody right now.
Just don't punish it.
Therapy, especially if you'refeeling grief, disconnection or
pressure.
Communication with your partnerTry.
(36:47):
This isn't about rejecting you,it's about rediscovering me.
Motherhood changes everything,including how you experience
pleasure, but pleasure is stillyours.
It may just need a slower,gentler reintroduction.
And if you're waiting until youget your body back before
feeling worthy of intimacy again, newsflash you never lost it.
You gained a new one and itdeserves just as much love and
(37:12):
it deserves just as much love.
When the sex stops, what'sreally going on?
All right, let's go there.
What actually happens whencouples stop having sex?
Because it's more common thanmost people admit and it's
rarely about laziness or lack oflove.
Sex doesn't usually just stop.
(37:33):
It fades Quietly, gradually,until one day you're both
sitting on opposite ends of thecouch wondering when you last
even kissed for more than threeseconds without a child
interrupting or your phonebuzzing.
And I'll tell you what I'veseen in the therapy room.
Sex doesn't fade because peoplestop being attracted.
It fades because people stopfeeling safe, seen, touched,
(37:59):
desired and emotionally close.
When couples stop having sex,it's often the result of
emotional erosion, not justphysical fatigue.
Here are some common culpritsUnresolved conflict Resentment
is a major libido killer.
You can't wait to be vulnerablewith someone you secretly feel
(38:22):
unheard or unseen by.
Mental load burnout, especiallyfor women.
If your brain is full of mealplans, carpool logistics and
emotional labor for everyone inthe house, good luck.
Feeling turned on.
That arousal switch isn'tbroken.
It's buried.
Shame or trauma.
If sex has always been a spaceof guilt, confusion or
(38:45):
obligation, your body might beprotecting you by shutting it
down.
Your body might be protectingyou by shutting it down.
Mismatch and desire stylesResponsive versus spontaneous
desire.
When couples don't understandeach other's wiring, it creates
a shame spiral.
Why don't I want this?
Why do they keep asking what'swrong with me?
(39:06):
Avoidant intimacy patterns Somecouples replace sex with
surface-level connection beinggood roommates, no fights, but
no passion either.
So what can couples actually doabout it?
Because, let's be real, theadvice to just spice it up with
lingerie or a new position won'tdo a damn thing.
If what you're really cravingis to feel emotionally safe.
(39:28):
Here's what helps.
Have the scary but honestconversation.
Try this line.
I've noticed we haven't beenconnecting physically and I miss
them.
Can we talk about what's beengetting in the way?
Name the patterns, not theblame.
(39:49):
Focus on what's happeningbetween you, not who's at fault.
Start with non-sexual touchholding hands, cuddling,
massages.
These build safety withoutpressure.
Get curious, not critical.
Shift from what's wrong with usto what's changed.
And what do we both need now?
Seek therapy if needed.
Yes, even for this.
(40:10):
A good couples or sex therapistisn't going to assign homework.
They're going to help you findsafety again In your body and
with each other.
Because here's the truth.
Couples don't stop having sexbecause they don't love each
other.
They stop because somethingunderneath the surface isn't
being spoken, seen or healed.
(40:30):
And the good news Once theconversation starts, so can the
connection Reclaiming sexualagency.
So, now that we've dragged shameinto the light, what do we do
about it?
First, give yourself permissionPermission to feel desire,
(40:53):
permission to not feel desire,permission to explore, express
and evolve.
You don't need a PhD insexuality to reclaim your body.
You just need curiosity,honesty and a safe space to land
.
Here are some tools.
Land here are some tools.
Body neutrality we talked aboutthis in a previous segment.
(41:14):
You don't have to love yourbody to respect it.
Just have to start listening toit.
Desire mapping, notice whatarouses you without judgment.
Books, fantasies, evenconversations.
Self-touch, without pressure.
Learn what feels good, withoutany goal in mind.
It's not about the orgasm.
(41:35):
It's about connection, couples,communication Try the sentence.
I've realized I've internalizedshame around sex and I'm working
on changing that.
I want to talk to you about itand, if you want, help, therapy,
sex therapy, even books.
There's three books that I willencourage you guys to pick up
(42:02):
if you're curious Come as youAre by Emily Nagoski.
Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin andUntrue by Wednesday.
Martin, you don't have to do itall, but you do deserve a
sexual relationship withyourself or someone else that's
rooted in freedom.
Not fear, you're not broken.
(42:25):
You're just not alone.
Books that prove it.
I had to tell myself this.
I didn't realize I wasn'tbroken.
I was just never givenpermission to be curious.
Okay, so let's say you've beenlistening to this and nodding
along, feeling all the things,but now you're wondering how do
(42:45):
I keep unpacking this after theepisode ends?
The good news how do I keepunpacking this after the episode
ends?
The good news there are someabsolutely brilliant minds out
there who've written the sexualhealing and unshaming manual we
all wish we got at 16.
Let's break down a few of myfavorites Books I recommend to
(43:05):
clients all the time.
Number one Come as you Are byEmily Nagoski.
This is the book for anyonewho's ever asked why don't I
want sex?
Dr Nagoski explains that sexualdesire is not about hormones or
foreignness.
It's about context.
She uses a car metaphor yourgas pedal equals things that
(43:27):
turn you on.
Your brake pedal equals thingsthat turn you off.
And here's the twist For mostwomen, the brake is way more
sensitive.
Stress, shame, laundry piles,insecurity, one weird comment
from your partner.
All of it hits the brakes.
So if you've ever thought youhad low libido, you might not.
(43:48):
You might just have your footon the brake and no one ever
taught you how to take it off.
Dr Nagoski also emphasizes this.
You are normal.
Your body is not broken.
You're just reacting to yourenvironment and once you
understand that, you can changeit.
(44:08):
Number two sex talks by Vanessaand xander maron.
This one's for couples who wantto feel more connected, less
awkward and more in sync in thebedroom, but don't know how to
talk about sex without thingsgetting weird or defensive.
Vanessa, a sex therapist, andxander, her husband, break down
five key conversations everycouple should have about sex.
(44:30):
They're funny, real and superpractical.
They normalize differences inlibido, they give scripts to use
when things feel off and theyremind you that sexual
communication doesn't have to bescary.
It can be loving, playful andeven hot.
This book is like couplestherapy with wine and no copays.
(44:55):
Number three Untrue by WednesdayMartin.
This one blows the lid off thetired narrative that women are
just less sexual than men.
Spoiler alert we're not.
Wednesday Martin brings thescience and the sass, unpacking
the cultural myths that havesuppressed women's desire for
centuries.
She dives into evolutionarybiology, anthropology and even
(45:16):
kink culture to show how women'ssexuality is diverse, fluid and
powerful, when it's not boxedin by shame.
It's bold, it's validating andit'll make you want to reclaim
your pleasure on purpose want toreclaim your pleasure on
purpose.
So here's the takeaway Ifyou've ever felt off, if you've
(45:40):
ever felt like the problem wasyou, if you've ever thought you
should just want sex more or getit over already, you're not
broken.
You're living in a culture thatnever taught you how to feel
safe, curious or connected toyour sexuality.
These books don't offer shame.
They offer language, and whenwomen have language, we have
power.
So, whether you read onechapter or binge the whole thing
(46:00):
with a highlighter, I hopethese resources remind you your
sexuality isn't missing.
It's just waiting to beunderstood.
And you, my friend, get tobegin that understanding now.
Oh yeah, bad advice of the week.
All right, it's time for ourfavorite segment.
Bad advice of the week, thisweek's winner.
(46:23):
Just fake it till you make it.
Nope, nope, never.
Faking orgasms does not empoweryou.
It teaches your partner exactlyhow to not please you and,
worse, it tells your nervoussystem that your pleasure is
less important than someoneelse's ego.
We don't need more womenpretending.
We need more women feeling.
(46:44):
So here's your permission slip,friend.
Don't fake anything.
Ask for what you need, and ifyou don't know what you need yet
, that's okay.
That's what the journey's for.
Sex isn't a performance.
It's a conversation, and youdeserve to be part of it.
Your permission slip.
(47:08):
Before we wrap up, I want toleave you with something most of
us never got growing Permission.
So here's your permission slipfor this week.
You have permission to not wantsex and not feel broken.
You have permission to wantmore sex and not feel ashamed.
You have permission to unlearneverything you were taught about
(47:29):
being a good girl.
You have permission to makepleasure a priority.
Hell yeah, you have permissionto come home to your body at
your own pace, in your own way.
There is no right timeline, noperfect desire level, no gold
star for faking it, just yourtruth and that is enough.
(47:50):
Ask yourself this what part ofme have I been silencing in
order to feel safe or acceptable, and what would it look like to
finally listen to her?
You were never too much.
You were just taught to shrink,and now you get to take up
(48:14):
space in your body, in yourbedroom and in your story.
All right, my friends, if noone's told you this lately,
there is nothing wrong with you.
Your body is not broken.
Your desire is not defective.
You are not too complicated,too sensitive, too sexual or not
(48:36):
sexual enough.
You are just a woman navigatinga world that taught you to be
small, quiet and selfless,especially in the bedroom.
But here's the good news you canunlearn that shame.
You can rewrite your story, andyou don't have to do it alone.
If this episode resonated withyou, share it with someone who
(48:58):
needs to hear it.
Start a conversation, reflect,rage, reclaim, and if you're
ready to dig deeper into yourown healing, you know where to
find me.
Until next time, stay bold,stay honest and remember you
don't need fixing.
You need permission to feellike yourself again.
This is Licensed and Unfiltered.
(49:20):
I'm Lena Keneally.
Thanks for being here.
let's just say it sex .
Are your palms sweating, yet isyour inner middle schooler
blushing?
Don't worry, you're not alone.
Somehow, in the year 2025, westill live in a world where
women are expected to besexually available but not too
(00:26):
available, where you're praisedfor being a good girl and
punished the second you admityou've enjoyed anything other
than missionary, with the lightsoff.
We've been handed a rule bookwe never agreed to one that says
curiosity is dirty, pleasure isshameful and if you talk about
sex you must be damaged,desperate or doing too much.
(00:49):
But here's the thing Sex isn'tdirty.
Shame is.
In this episode of Licensed andUnfiltered, we're diving into
the shame women carry about sexwhere it starts, why it's so
damn sticky and what it takes toshake it off.
Spoiler it's not you, it's thesystem.
(01:12):
So if you've ever felt weirdabout wanting sex, not wanting
sex, faking orgasms, googlingthings, you were too afraid to
ask or wondering if you'rebroken, you're exactly who this
episode is for.
Let's go there Unfiltered,unapologetic and maybe a little
(01:34):
TMI Sex ed or shame ed.
Let's talk about how most of uslearned about sex Through a
terrified gym teacher, a bananaand a VHS tape that looked like
it was filmed in 1983.
And that's if we were lucky.
(01:54):
In the US, only 29 states arerequired to teach sex education
and out of those, only 18require that the information be
medically accurate, which begsthe question what the hell are
the rest of them teachingAstrology and abstinence?
According to a 2023 report fromthe Guttmacher Institute, over
(02:19):
40% of students receiveabstinence-only sex education.
Of students receiveabstinence-only sex education.
That means no real talk aboutconsent, pleasure, lgbtq plus
identities or even how ourbodies actually work.
Just don't do it.
But if you do, don't tell us.
(02:39):
And also, it's probably yourfault.
It's probably your fault.
And for girls, oh, the messageis layered Protect your
virginity, dress modestly, don'ttempt the boys.
Translation your body isdangerous, your sexuality is a
(03:03):
liability and if anything goeswrong, you're to blame.
You know what that createsWomen who enter adulthood
thinking they're broken if theywant sex and still broken if
they don't.
One study from PlannedParenthood found that 60% of
women under 35 said they feltashamed or embarrassed about
their sexual desires desires 60%.
(03:30):
That's not a personal issue,that's a systemic one.
And let's not even talk aboutpleasure, because, guess what?
Most sex ed curricula nevereven mention the clitoris.
It's the Voldemort of anatomy,he who must not be named.
So we grow up thinking sex issomething done to us, not for us
or even with us.
No wonder so many womenstruggle with desire,
(03:51):
communication or even knowingwhat turns them on.
But you know what's wild?
The moment you give a womanpermission to unlearn that shame
, her whole relationship to sexand herself can change.
Because it turns out, when westop teaching fear, guilt and
silence, what's left iscuriosity, connection and
(04:15):
confidence.
Imagine that Sex ed thatactually includes women.
The Madonna Horror Complex Ahyes, the Madonna Horror Complex,
also known as the emotionalequivalent of a no-win situation
(04:37):
, coined by Freud, because ofcourse it was.
The Madonna whore complexdescribes how women are placed
into two impossible categories.
You're either the pure,nurturing, sexless Madonna or
the sexy, wild, desirable butmorally bankrupt whore.
(04:58):
No in-between, no nuance, justbinary boxes and a whole lot of
shame.
You're supposed to be a lady inthe streets, a freak in the
sheets?
Hell yeah.
But God help you if anyonefinds out about the second part.
And this isn't just theory.
This shows up everywhere In popculture.
(05:19):
Think Marilyn versus Jackie,beyonce versus Becky with the
good hair.
Even Taylor Swift had to gothrough her.
You Belong With Me era toreclaim her sexuality In
relationships.
How many women get labeled wifeymaterial or just a hookup,
based on how quickly orconfidently they express desire?
(05:40):
Research backs this up too.
A 2020 study in sex roles foundthat men often perceive
sexually assertive women as lesscompetent, less trustworthy and
less suitable for long-termrelationships.
So let's get this straight Ifwe don't enjoy sex, we're frigid
(06:01):
.
If we do enjoy sex, we're sluts.
If we initiate sex, we'reaggressive.
If we want emotional connection, we're clingy.
Honestly, it's exhausting andthe kicker.
Many women internalize thisnonsense.
We start policing ourselves, wesilence our fantasies, we
(06:26):
downplay our desire, we keep ournumber to ourselves like it's
the nuclear code, Because deepdown, we've been taught that our
worth is tied to how well wefit into the role men assign us.
But guess what?
You don't owe anyone yourinnocence, your modesty or your
sexual restraint.
You don't have to be one or theother.
(06:47):
You get to be fully both orneither.
You can bake banana bread andask for a spanking.
You can be nurturing andnaughty.
You're not broken.
You're just human.
And if the system makes youfeel like you have to choose
between being respected andbeing fully embodied, the system
(07:08):
is the problem, not you Purityculture, where shame got its
halo.
If you grew up in a religioushousehold conservative,
evangelical, catholic, evenmildly traditional chances are
you were introduced to purityculture.
(07:29):
You remember the silver rings,the true love wades, rallies,
the message that your virginitywas a gift for your husband.
Translation your body doesn'tbelong to you.
And purity wasn't just aboutabstaining from sex.
It was about emotional purity,thought purity, clothing purity
(07:53):
God forbid a bra strap showsomeone might sin because of you
.
And if you did have sex,willingly or not, you weren't
just guilty, you were ruinedused gum, a chewed-up piece of
candy, a gift no longer worthgiving.
According to a 2019 Barna Groupstudy, over 70% of women who
(08:19):
participated in purity culturesaid they carried long-term
shame about their sexuality.
In purity culture said theycarried long-term shame about
their sexuality even intomarriage.
The wild thing is, many ofthese women saved sex for
marriage and still felt ashamedduring it.
(08:39):
I've worked with women who shutdown sexually because they were
taught their desire wasdangerous.
And I've worked with women whofeel nothing during sex because
they were never taught to feelanything.
And here's the emotional damageno one talks about.
Women in purity culture aretold their value comes from
their sexual restraint and yet,once married, they're expected
to suddenly flip a switch andbecome sexual goddesses.
(09:01):
That's not sexual empowerment,that's performance.
And when it doesn't work theyblame themselves.
But if you're struggling itdoesn't mean you're broken, it
means you were programmed.
The good news Programming can berewritten.
Be rewritten the Therapy RoomConfessional.
(09:29):
Here's what I see in thetherapy room Women who whisper.
They whisper things like I'venever had an orgasm.
I fake it every time.
I don't know how to ask forwhat I want.
I don't know how to ask forwhat I want.
I feel gross when I feelaroused.
These aren't fringe cases, thisis the norm.
(09:51):
Sex is supposed to be aboutconnection and pleasure, but for
many women it's aboutperformance, anxiety and
disconnection from their ownbodies.
Shame shows up as tensionduring intimacy, loss of desire,
avoidance of physical touch,hyper-awareness of your body,
mid-sex ie thinking about yourstomach instead of the moment.
(10:14):
And I'll say this loud andclear you can't heal what you
feel too ashamed to talk about.
That's why therapy matters.
It's not about becoming somekind of sexual expert.
It's about feeling safe in yourown skin, sometimes for the
first time ever.
The goal isn't to fix your sexlife, it's to reclaim it.
(10:52):
Men, women and the pleasure game.
Let's talk about the wildreality that sex is not
experienced equally, and I'm notjust talking about orgasms,
although, yes, we will get tothat.
Here's the deal.
For heterosexual couples, sexoften centers on male pleasure,
not because men are selfish, butbecause we've all been
conditioned to believe that maledesire is normal, expected and
(11:12):
linear, while female desire ismysterious, complicated and
optional.
But sex doesn't work the sameway for everyone.
Men tend to experience desireas more spontaneous, like a
light switch.
Women often experience it asresponsive, more like a dimmer.
That doesn't mean women areless sexual.
(11:32):
It means we need differentthings to get in the mood.
And yet most sexual experiencesare modeled off of male desire
Fast buildup, quick arousal,orgasm as the end goal.
No wonder women are feelingdisconnected.
We're playing by rules thatweren't made for us.
(11:55):
Here's a stat that says it all.
According to the Journal of Sexand Marital Therapy, in
heterosexual encounters, menorgasm 95% of the time, women
Just 65%.
That's called the pleasure gap.
And that gap gets even wider ifwomen feel pressure to perform,
(12:17):
be low-maintenance or suppresstheir needs.
Meanwhile, men are rarelyashamed for wanting sex.
In fact, it's expected, they'repraised for it.
Their porn use is normalized,their exploration is encouraged.
But when women express desire,they're called needy or slutty
(12:41):
or too much.
So we learn to minimize, to goalong to fake it and somewhere
in the mix we forget that sex issupposed to be mutual,
collaborative, safe, notperformative, not painful, not
one-sided.
That's why conversations aboutsex need to include gendered
(13:03):
conditioning, because it's notjust about anatomy, it's about
the scripts we've been handedsince puberty and the courage it
takes to rewrite them Closingthe Gap, rebalancing the Bedroom
.
So now that we've named thepleasure gap, let's talk about
(13:24):
what to do about it, because, ifwe're being honest, most people
want better sex.
They just don't know how totalk about it without things
getting awkward, defensive orshut down completely.
Here's the secret saucePleasure isn't about performance
, it's about presence.
So how do we close the gap?
(13:46):
Here's where to start.
1.
Slow it down.
Men are often aroused fasterNot always, but commonly Women's
arousal tends to take longerand is not always in sync with
their mental desire.
(14:06):
That means foreplay isn'toptional, it's essential, and
not just for three minutes whileNetflix loads.
2.
Make pleasure the goal, notorgasm.
If the only goal is climax, itbecomes a race.
If the only goal is climax, itbecomes a race.
(14:27):
But when we focus on curiosity,sensation and exploration,
everyone's experience getsricher.
Number three encourageself-awareness before partnered
awareness.
Ask yourself what feels good toyou, what do you enjoy?
When do you feel most safe?
(14:47):
If you can't answer that, it'stime to explore without shame,
solo or with a therapist.
I want to feel closer duringsex, not just perform it, or I'd
love for us to explore more ofwhat feels good for me isn't
(15:08):
selfish, it's honest.
Number five redefine good sex.
Good sex isn't about acrobaticsor how many positions you tried
.
It's about connection, safety,communication, laughter,
presence.
And here's something radicalyou don't have to match each
(15:32):
other's desire perfectly to haveamazing sex.
You just have to respect eachother's needs, create safety and
be willing to get curious.
And be willing to get curious,because when both people feel
seen, heard and safe, that'swhen sex becomes healing instead
(15:55):
of performative.
Closing the pleasure gap isn'tjust a sexual act, it's an act
of emotional justice, and itstarts with conversations like
this one, like this one.
Dear men, this episode is foryou too.
All right, let's take a momentto talk directly to the men
listening, because I know someof you are here trying to
(16:16):
understand your partner, maybefeeling confused, maybe even
hurt or rejected.
First, let me say this Thankyou for listening.
You're already doing more thanmost.
Here's the thing If the womenyou love has pulled away
sexually, it doesn't mean shedoesn't love you.
(16:37):
It doesn't mean she's broken orcold or doesn't find you
attractive.
What it might mean is this shefeels emotionally exhausted.
She's disconnected from her ownbody.
She's carrying unspoken shame.
That has nothing to do with youand I know that can feel
(16:57):
personal, but here's what youcan do Be curious instead of
defensive.
Ask how she wants to feelduring intimacy, not just what
she wants to do, and remembershe's not rejecting you.
She's trying to reconnect withherself.
Sex can't be safe if it's fullof pressure, but emotional
(17:21):
safety that's the sexiest thingyou can offer her.
You don't need to be perfect,you just need to be present and
willing to hear her story, evenif she's still finding the words
, because the more safety youcreate, the more connection
she'll find.
(17:46):
The Myth of the Low Libido Woman.
Let's bust a myth that hauntsso many women the idea that we
just don't want sex.
First off, desire isn'tone-size-fits-all.
There's spontaneous desire, theI'm suddenly horny out of
nowhere, kind.
(18:07):
And then there's responsivedesire, which kicks in after
things get going.
Most men are socialized aroundspontaneous desire.
Most women are shamed out ofdesire entirely.
A 2022 study published inArchives of Sexual Behavior
found that up to 40% of womenwho report low libido actually
(18:30):
fall into the responsive desirecategory, meaning they're not
broken.
They just need safety,connection and time.
But when women are told they'reless sexual by default, they
start carrying that as true.
They think something's wrongwith them and, worse, they
assume sex is something theyhave to endure instead of
(18:50):
something they can enjoy.
Let me be crystal clear.
Desire doesn't look like itdoes in the movies.
It doesn't always start in thebody.
It often starts in the brain.
Women need context.
They need a break fromcaregiving.
They need to feel emotionallysafe.
That's not high maintenance,that's just honest.
(19:13):
Why he's ready and you'rewondering if he even likes you
and you're wondering if he evenlikes you.
Let's just name it.
For a lot of women, sex is aboutconnection.
For a lot of men, sex createsconnection.
(19:34):
That difference, it's not justpersonal.
It's biological, psychologicaland cultural.
According to a massivemeta-analysis published in the
Journal of Sex Research, womenare significantly more likely
than men to need emotionalintimacy and relational security
in order to feel sexual desire.
(19:56):
Meanwhile, men are more likelyto experience desires
spontaneous, often disconnectedfrom emotional intimacy,
especially in earlyrelationships.
And that's not because men areemotionally shallow, it's
because of how desire works intheir bodies and how they've
been socialized.
Men are taught that sex issuccess, that it proves
(20:18):
masculinity.
Women are taught that sex isvulnerability, that it risks
reputation, safety or rejection.
So while he might see sex as aform of closeness, she may feel
like she needs closeness to evenwant it.
Let me give you an example Isee all the time in couples
therapy.
She says I don't want sexunless I feel emotionally close.
(20:40):
He says I don't feelemotionally close unless we have
sex.
Sex and boom, we've got a cycle.
If no one talks about it, itturns into resentment, avoidance
, shame or a standoff.
But when couples do talk aboutit, the magic starts to happen,
(21:01):
because now we're not justnegotiating logistics, we're
honoring emotional needs.
So if you're a woman who needsto feel emotionally safe before
you want sex, that's not a flaw.
That's your body's way ofprotecting you.
And if you're a man who feelsloved and connected through sex,
that's valid too.
But here's the kicker If wedon't talk about these
(21:25):
differences openly, we end upmisreading each other.
Women think men just wantphysical release.
Men think women are rejectingthem not the context, when in
reality, both want intimacy.
They're just coming at it fromdifferent angles.
And once you understand that,you stop trying to fix desire
(21:47):
and start creating a space whereboth people feel met, because
sex isn't just about bodies.
It's about nervous systems, andwomen's nervous systems often
need emotional safety beforephysical desire shows up.
Here are some supporting stats.
A 2017 study in the Journal ofSex Research found that
(22:10):
emotional closeness was the mostfrequently cited motivator for
sex in women, whereas men citedphysical attraction and
opportunity more often.
Research from Kinsey Institutealso shows that in long-term
relationships, men reportgreater satisfaction when sex is
frequent, while women reportgreater satisfaction when
(22:31):
emotional intimacy is high, evenif sex isn't frequent.
Esther Perel puts it perfectlyfor women, desire is not always
the cause of sex.
It's often the result of it.
Sexual trauma isn't the end ofthe story.
(22:52):
And now for the women listeningwho have experienced sexual
trauma Maybe it was a one-timeexperience, maybe it was
long-term, maybe it happenedyears ago and you're only now
realizing how it shaped yourview of sex, your body, your
self-worth.
If you've been carrying thatpain, this episode might have
(23:15):
stirred something up, and I wantyou to know you are not alone.
According to RAINN, one in sixwomen have experienced an
attempted or completed sexualassault, and that number doesn't
even touch the unreported, theminimized or the misunderstood.
Trauma rewires your brain.
It changes your body'srelationship to safety and
(23:37):
pleasure.
It makes desire feel scary,confusing or even non-existent.
And guess what?
That's a normal response to anabnormal violation.
So if you've avoided sex, ifyou've dissociated during
intimacy, if you felt like yourbody isn't yours, that doesn't
(24:00):
make you broken.
That makes you a survivor.
Healing is possible, but it hasto happen in a way that your
body leads.
But it has to happen in a waythat your body leads, and that
(24:24):
might mean trauma-informedtherapy, somatic work or EMDR,
redefining sex on your own terms, saying no until your nervous
system says yes.
And if you've never told anyoneyour story, here's what I want
you to hear you deserve healing.
You deserve healing.
You deserve safety.
You deserve a relationship toyour body that's rooted in
(24:45):
respect, not fear.
Your trauma isn't your faultand your healing is your right.
To the woman disconnected fromher body, let's talk to the
woman who doesn't feel like shelives in her body anymore.
Maybe it's been years, maybe ithappened after a breakup, a
(25:05):
betrayal, a trauma, a baby, ormaybe it just crept in after
years of putting everyone elsefirst.
You're not numb because you'recold.
You're numb because your bodyhas been trying to protect you.
You've survived, you've held ittogether, you've made it
through things you never talkabout.
(25:25):
But now you feel distant fromyour own skin.
You look in the mirror andthink I don't even recognize her
Touch feels overwhelming orirritating or like something
you're supposed to get through,and you wonder why don't I feel
anything anymore?
The answer might not be in yourlibido.
(25:48):
It might be in your nervoussystem.
Your body may be in freeze mode, not because you're broken, but
because somewhere along the wayyou learned it wasn't safe to
fully be here.
So if sex feels like pressure,if you avoid being seen naked,
if pleasure feels unreachable,you're not alone and you're not
(26:10):
beyond repair.
Here's where we start.
Gentle curiosity, touch yourarm, close your eyes, breathe.
What do you feel?
Even if it's nothing, can yoube with that Slow re-entry?
(26:31):
Sensuality doesn't start in thebedroom.
It starts in the way you shower, eat, dress, move.
Let your body be experiencedagain without an audience.
Let go of performance.
You don't have to feel sexy toreclaim your body.
(26:52):
You just have to feel safe andask yourself what does my body
need today?
Not look like need and maybemost importantly, give yourself
permission to come back inslowly.
You don't have to forceintimacy before you feel ready.
(27:14):
You are still in there beneaththe shutdown, the numbness, the
pressure.
She's still there and whenshe's ready to return, you'll
welcome her without judgment.
Her without judgment.
(27:39):
What if I don't even know what'swrong?
So let's say you're listeningto this and thinking, yeah, this
resonates, but I don't evenknow what my issue is.
I just feel, ah, disconnected,like I'm floating outside my
body.
First of all, that's not weird,that's human.
In therapy I hear this all thetime.
I'm not even sure what'sbothering me.
I just know I'm not okay.
(28:01):
I feel numb, but I also feeloverwhelmed.
I don't even know who I amanymore.
That disorientation isn'tfailure.
It's a signal.
It means your inner world isasking for attention, not
answers, just attention.
So what do you do when youdon't even know what's wrong?
(28:22):
You start small and get curious.
Here's how I help clientsrediscover themselves when they
feel emotionally disconnected.
1.
Get out of fix-it mode.
You don't need to solveanything right away.
You need to notice.
Practice asking what am Ifeeling right now?
(28:43):
Where do I feel that in my body?
What would I name thissensation if I had to?
2.
Track emotional rhythms.
Instead of waiting for clarity,pay attention to when you feel
most drained or most alive.
What kinds of conversationslight you up?
When do you feel the urge towithdraw?
(29:04):
These are breadcrumbs back toyour center.
These are breadcrumbs back toyour center.
3.
Shift from judgment tocompassion Instead of why can't
(29:25):
I figure this out?
Try, what part of me is askingto be seen?
4.
Create space to feel, not justthink.
Most women live in survivalmode.
Think, perform, push through.
But healing happens when youfeel safe enough to just be.
That's where journaling, breathwork therapy, even solo walks,
(29:53):
can become sacred, not becausethey fix you, but because they
reconnect you to yourself.
5.
Name your unmet need.
If you feel disconnected,exhausted or numb, it's not
always trauma.
Sometimes it's simply years ofsilencing your own needs.
Ask what do I wish someonewould give me right now?
Or what have I beendeprioritizing that I actually
(30:15):
miss?
Sometimes the answer isn't sex.
It's rest or play or creativity, or just someone to ask how
you're really doing.
And here's the reframe I wantyou to hold close you don't have
to understand your breakdown tobegin your breakthrough.
(30:35):
You're allowed to show up messy.
You're allowed to ask for helpbefore you can explain why you
need it.
Because rediscovery doesn'tstart with clarity.
It starts with permission,therapy time, sex safety and the
(30:56):
attachment lens.
Okay, it's time to put on ourtherapy goggles for a sec.
Let's talk about why sex canfeel so loaded, mismatched or
even painful, especially inlong-term relationships.
And for that we need to bringin one of my favorite frameworks
attachment theory.
(31:17):
This isn't just psychobabble.
This explains why so manycouples end up in the same
frustrating dance.
Here's the quick and dirtyversion.
If you have a secure attachment,sex and emotional connection
usually flow both ways.
But if you've got anxious oravoidant patterns, sex can
(31:37):
become a battlefield or aperformance or a shutdown.
And here's where it gets spicy.
A lot of anxiously attachedpeople, often but not always
women, need emotionalreassurance before sex, while
many avoidantly attached peopleagain often, but not always, men
(31:58):
use sex to access closenessthey struggle to express
emotionally.
So now you've got this loop Oneperson saying I can't have sex
unless I feel emotionally safe.
The other is saying I can'tfeel emotionally unless I feel
emotionally safe.
The other is saying I can'tfeel emotionally safe unless
we're having sex.
Boom, emotional stalemate.
And if we don't name that, itturns into shame, resentment and
(32:23):
the dreaded.
We're just roommates.
Now vibe In therapy.
I often use emotionally focusedtherapy to help couples untangle
.
This EFT focuses on naming theemotional cycle, creating safety
to express vulnerability,building secure connection both
in and out of the bedroom.
(32:43):
Because the truth is, sex isn'tjust about physical desire.
It's about feeling chosen, seenand emotionally safe.
So when someone pulls away fromsex, they're not always
rejecting you.
They might be protectingthemselves.
And when someone pushes for sex, they're not always pressuring
(33:03):
you.
They might be asking forconnection in the only way they
know how.
When we can see our partner'sbeds for connection, even if it
looks different from ours,that's when intimacy starts to
rebuild.
So here's your therapy takeawayAsk not just what's happening
in the bedroom, but what'shappening emotionally between
(33:25):
you two, because the bedroom isoften a mirror of your emotional
world and when you heal thedisconnection outside of sex,
the pleasure, trust and desireit has a way of coming back From
birth to bedroom.
Why nobody warns you about thispart?
(33:47):
Okay, let's talk aboutsomething that hits hard for a
lot of women Postpartum sex andbody image, because people love
to ask when's the baby due, butno one ever asks.
Hey, how's your relationship toyour body and sexuality now
that your insides have beenrearranged by a human?
Childbirth changes everythingphysically, hormonally,
(34:12):
emotionally.
Your hormones crash, yourpelvic floor takes a hit, your
boobs are suddenly food sourcesand your identity shaken,
stirred and served with a sideof what even is sex anymore sex
(34:34):
and served with the sight ofwhat even is sex anymore.
And on top of all that, we'reexpected to bounce back to our
bodies, our confidence and oursex lives as if nothing happened
.
Spoiler alert something didhappen.
A whole ass person came out ofyour body, and yet so many women
feel ashamed for not wantingsex after birth or for wanting
it, but feeling disconnectedfrom their bodies.
(34:57):
Here's what the research says.
According to a study publishedin BJOG, an international
journal of obstetrics andgynecology, 83% of women
experience sexual problems inthe first three months
postpartum.
Even at six months postpartum,over half still report issues
(35:18):
with desire, arousal andconfidence.
And it's not just about thephysical trauma.
It's about the emotionalwhiplash you go from being
celebrated as a glowing goddessto being exhausted, touched out
and quietly grieving the bodyyou no longer recognize.
And that grief, that discomfort, that silence around it.
(35:40):
It creates shame.
I've had clients say things likeI feel guilty because my
partner wants me and I justdon't want to be touched.
I don't even feel like myselfanymore.
How can I feel sexy?
I miss my old body, but I feelselfish for saying that.
Let me say this clearly you arenot broken, you are becoming.
(36:03):
Your sexuality didn't disappear, it's just evolving.
Disappear, it's just evolving.
So what can help Time?
Give yourself grace.
You don't have to rush backinto intimacy, non-sexual touch,
reconnect with your bodywithout expectation, body
(36:26):
neutrality.
You don't have to love yourbody right now.
Just don't punish it.
Therapy, especially if you'refeeling grief, disconnection or
pressure.
Communication with your partnerTry.
(36:47):
This isn't about rejecting you,it's about rediscovering me.
Motherhood changes everything,including how you experience
pleasure, but pleasure is stillyours.
It may just need a slower,gentler reintroduction.
And if you're waiting until youget your body back before
feeling worthy of intimacy again, newsflash you never lost it.
You gained a new one and itdeserves just as much love and
(37:12):
it deserves just as much love.
When the sex stops, what'sreally going on?
All right, let's go there.
What actually happens whencouples stop having sex?
Because it's more common thanmost people admit and it's
rarely about laziness or lack oflove.
Sex doesn't usually just stop.
(37:33):
It fades Quietly, gradually,until one day you're both
sitting on opposite ends of thecouch wondering when you last
even kissed for more than threeseconds without a child
interrupting or your phonebuzzing.
And I'll tell you what I'veseen in the therapy room.
Sex doesn't fade because peoplestop being attracted.
It fades because people stopfeeling safe, seen, touched,
(37:59):
desired and emotionally close.
When couples stop having sex,it's often the result of
emotional erosion, not justphysical fatigue.
Here are some common culpritsUnresolved conflict Resentment
is a major libido killer.
You can't wait to be vulnerablewith someone you secretly feel
(38:22):
unheard or unseen by.
Mental load burnout, especiallyfor women.
If your brain is full of mealplans, carpool logistics and
emotional labor for everyone inthe house, good luck.
Feeling turned on.
That arousal switch isn'tbroken.
It's buried.
Shame or trauma.
If sex has always been a spaceof guilt, confusion or
(38:45):
obligation, your body might beprotecting you by shutting it
down.
Your body might be protectingyou by shutting it down.
Mismatch and desire stylesResponsive versus spontaneous
desire.
When couples don't understandeach other's wiring, it creates
a shame spiral.
Why don't I want this?
Why do they keep asking what'swrong with me?
(39:06):
Avoidant intimacy patterns Somecouples replace sex with
surface-level connection beinggood roommates, no fights, but
no passion either.
So what can couples actually doabout it?
Because, let's be real, theadvice to just spice it up with
lingerie or a new position won'tdo a damn thing.
If what you're really cravingis to feel emotionally safe.
(39:28):
Here's what helps.
Have the scary but honestconversation.
Try this line.
I've noticed we haven't beenconnecting physically and I miss
them.
Can we talk about what's beengetting in the way?
Name the patterns, not theblame.
(39:49):
Focus on what's happeningbetween you, not who's at fault.
Start with non-sexual touchholding hands, cuddling,
massages.
These build safety withoutpressure.
Get curious, not critical.
Shift from what's wrong with usto what's changed.
And what do we both need now?
Seek therapy if needed.
Yes, even for this.
(40:10):
A good couples or sex therapistisn't going to assign homework.
They're going to help you findsafety again In your body and
with each other.
Because here's the truth.
Couples don't stop having sexbecause they don't love each
other.
They stop because somethingunderneath the surface isn't
being spoken, seen or healed.
(40:30):
And the good news Once theconversation starts, so can the
connection Reclaiming sexualagency.
So, now that we've dragged shameinto the light, what do we do
about it?
First, give yourself permissionPermission to feel desire,
(40:53):
permission to not feel desire,permission to explore, express
and evolve.
You don't need a PhD insexuality to reclaim your body.
You just need curiosity,honesty and a safe space to land
.
Here are some tools.
Land here are some tools.
Body neutrality we talked aboutthis in a previous segment.
(41:14):
You don't have to love yourbody to respect it.
Just have to start listening toit.
Desire mapping, notice whatarouses you without judgment.
Books, fantasies, evenconversations.
Self-touch, without pressure.
Learn what feels good, withoutany goal in mind.
It's not about the orgasm.
(41:35):
It's about connection, couples,communication Try the sentence.
I've realized I've internalizedshame around sex and I'm working
on changing that.
I want to talk to you about itand, if you want, help, therapy,
sex therapy, even books.
There's three books that I willencourage you guys to pick up
(42:02):
if you're curious Come as youAre by Emily Nagoski.
Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin andUntrue by Wednesday.
Martin, you don't have to do itall, but you do deserve a
sexual relationship withyourself or someone else that's
rooted in freedom.
Not fear, you're not broken.
(42:25):
You're just not alone.
Books that prove it.
I had to tell myself this.
I didn't realize I wasn'tbroken.
I was just never givenpermission to be curious.
Okay, so let's say you've beenlistening to this and nodding
along, feeling all the things,but now you're wondering how do
(42:45):
I keep unpacking this after theepisode ends?
The good news how do I keepunpacking this after the episode
ends?
The good news there are someabsolutely brilliant minds out
there who've written the sexualhealing and unshaming manual we
all wish we got at 16.
Let's break down a few of myfavorites Books I recommend to
(43:05):
clients all the time.
Number one Come as you Are byEmily Nagoski.
This is the book for anyonewho's ever asked why don't I
want sex?
Dr Nagoski explains that sexualdesire is not about hormones or
foreignness.
It's about context.
She uses a car metaphor yourgas pedal equals things that
(43:27):
turn you on.
Your brake pedal equals thingsthat turn you off.
And here's the twist For mostwomen, the brake is way more
sensitive.
Stress, shame, laundry piles,insecurity, one weird comment
from your partner.
All of it hits the brakes.
So if you've ever thought youhad low libido, you might not.
(43:48):
You might just have your footon the brake and no one ever
taught you how to take it off.
Dr Nagoski also emphasizes this.
You are normal.
Your body is not broken.
You're just reacting to yourenvironment and once you
understand that, you can changeit.
(44:08):
Number two sex talks by Vanessaand xander maron.
This one's for couples who wantto feel more connected, less
awkward and more in sync in thebedroom, but don't know how to
talk about sex without thingsgetting weird or defensive.
Vanessa, a sex therapist, andxander, her husband, break down
five key conversations everycouple should have about sex.
(44:30):
They're funny, real and superpractical.
They normalize differences inlibido, they give scripts to use
when things feel off and theyremind you that sexual
communication doesn't have to bescary.
It can be loving, playful andeven hot.
This book is like couplestherapy with wine and no copays.
(44:55):
Number three Untrue by WednesdayMartin.
This one blows the lid off thetired narrative that women are
just less sexual than men.
Spoiler alert we're not.
Wednesday Martin brings thescience and the sass, unpacking
the cultural myths that havesuppressed women's desire for
centuries.
She dives into evolutionarybiology, anthropology and even
(45:16):
kink culture to show how women'ssexuality is diverse, fluid and
powerful, when it's not boxedin by shame.
It's bold, it's validating andit'll make you want to reclaim
your pleasure on purpose want toreclaim your pleasure on
purpose.
So here's the takeaway Ifyou've ever felt off, if you've
(45:40):
ever felt like the problem wasyou, if you've ever thought you
should just want sex more or getit over already, you're not
broken.
You're living in a culture thatnever taught you how to feel
safe, curious or connected toyour sexuality.
These books don't offer shame.
They offer language, and whenwomen have language, we have
power.
So, whether you read onechapter or binge the whole thing
(46:00):
with a highlighter, I hopethese resources remind you your
sexuality isn't missing.
It's just waiting to beunderstood.
And you, my friend, get tobegin that understanding now.
Oh yeah, bad advice of the week.
All right, it's time for ourfavorite segment.
Bad advice of the week, thisweek's winner.
(46:23):
Just fake it till you make it.
Nope, nope, never.
Faking orgasms does not empoweryou.
It teaches your partner exactlyhow to not please you and,
worse, it tells your nervoussystem that your pleasure is
less important than someoneelse's ego.
We don't need more womenpretending.
We need more women feeling.
(46:44):
So here's your permission slip,friend.
Don't fake anything.
Ask for what you need, and ifyou don't know what you need yet
, that's okay.
That's what the journey's for.
Sex isn't a performance.
It's a conversation, and youdeserve to be part of it.
Your permission slip.
(47:08):
Before we wrap up, I want toleave you with something most of
us never got growing Permission.
So here's your permission slipfor this week.
You have permission to not wantsex and not feel broken.
You have permission to wantmore sex and not feel ashamed.
You have permission to unlearneverything you were taught about
(47:29):
being a good girl.
You have permission to makepleasure a priority.
Hell yeah, you have permissionto come home to your body at
your own pace, in your own way.
There is no right timeline, noperfect desire level, no gold
star for faking it, just yourtruth and that is enough.
(47:50):
Ask yourself this what part ofme have I been silencing in
order to feel safe or acceptable, and what would it look like to
finally listen to her?
You were never too much.
You were just taught to shrink,and now you get to take up
(48:14):
space in your body, in yourbedroom and in your story.
All right, my friends, if noone's told you this lately,
there is nothing wrong with you.
Your body is not broken.
Your desire is not defective.
You are not too complicated,too sensitive, too sexual or not
(48:36):
sexual enough.
You are just a woman navigatinga world that taught you to be
small, quiet and selfless,especially in the bedroom.
But here's the good news you canunlearn that shame.
You can rewrite your story, andyou don't have to do it alone.
If this episode resonated withyou, share it with someone who
(48:58):
needs to hear it.
Start a conversation, reflect,rage, reclaim, and if you're
ready to dig deeper into yourown healing, you know where to
find me.
Until next time, stay bold,stay honest and remember you
don't need fixing.
You need permission to feellike yourself again.
This is Licensed and Unfiltered.
(49:20):
I'm Lena Keneally.
Thanks for being here.
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