Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to
Licensed and Unfiltered, the
podcast where therapy meetstelevision and emotional baggage
is unpacked one punchline at atime.
I'm your host, lina Keneally,licensed marriage and family
therapist, softcore attachmenttheorist and unapologetic sucker
for a good rom-com meltdown fora good rom-com meltdown.
(00:27):
Today we're turning ourtherapist's gaze to a show that
promised a love story butdelivered nine seasons of red
flags, avoidant attachment,grand gestures and wildly
unresolved trauma.
Yep, how I Met your Mother and,spoiler alert, it was never
really about the mother.
It was about five dysfunctionaladults playing hot potato with
(00:48):
their inner wounds while a laughtrack cheered them on.
Let's get into it.
Ted Mosby, the Trauma Romantic.
If you thought Ted was just ahopeless romantic, I regret to
inform you he is a walking,anxious, preoccupied attachment
wound in a blazer.
(01:08):
Ted doesn't fall in love.
He latches, he projects,idealizes and emotionally speed
runs through relationships likehe's afraid someone's going to
turn the lights off before hefinds the one, his pattern.
He meets a woman, thenimmediately imagines their
(01:29):
wedding, then ignores glaringincompatibilities, then panics
when it doesn't work.
This is not romance.
This is an emotional compulsionto merge in order to feel whole
.
Compulsion to merge in order tofeel whole.
Ted is addicted to the idea oflove, not the actual experience
(01:56):
of intimacy.
I'm in love with her.
This is Ted, after threeminutes and one shared elevator
ride.
Therapist Lens this is an unmetneed for secure attachment.
Therapist lens this is an unmetneed for secure attachment
reenacting itself over and over.
Except, instead of a safecaregiver, he's projecting
salvation onto a rotating castof emotionally unavailable women
.
What he calls destiny we callan activated nervous system on a
(02:21):
loop.
Robin Scherbatsky, theself-protecting, avoidant.
Robin is complicated.
She's strong, career-focused,sarcastic and allergic to
vulnerability.
She's also a walking example ofavoidant attachment in heels.
(02:41):
Her emotional unavailabilityisn't a quirk, it's a coping
mechanism.
She doesn't want marriage orkids.
She struggles to shareemotional needs and she's most
comfortable when things arecasual or chaotic.
Why?
Because getting close feelslike losing control.
(03:03):
And when she does open up, likewhen she cries about not being
able to have children, it's arare raw moment that is quickly
pushed aside.
Her relationships with Ted andBarney both suffer because
emotional intimacy feels liketoo much.
This isn't cool girl detachment,it's grief.
(03:24):
Grief for a life she can'tpicture, grief for a version of
herself.
She never learned how to beBarney Stinson, Defense
Mechanism in a Suit and aPlaybook.
Oh, barney, equal partsheartbreaking and infuriating.
(03:45):
Let's look past the suits andthe playbook.
What we see is someone who wasabandoned by his father,
reinvented himself afterheartbreak and uses women as a
distraction from shame.
Barney isn't just a player.
He's disconnected from his ownworth.
(04:07):
He performs masculinity to feelpowerful, because being real
feels dangerous.
Even his jokes are shields.
When I get sad, I stop beingsad and be awesome instead.
Translation I don't feel safefeeling anything at all.
(04:30):
Now let's talk about the RobinHis elaborate plan to propose,
by fake dating Patrice, creatinga fake playbook entry, staging
emotional chaos, only to leadRobin through a trap door of
performance into a marriageproposal.
Was it manipulative?
Yes, was it brilliant?
(04:52):
Also, yes.
Was it a trauma-informed loveletter in disguise?
Absolutely.
Barney wasn't just proposing,he was begging.
Please choose me even when I'mmessy, dishonest and scared.
He had to orchestrate love tobelieve he was worthy of it.
(05:14):
That's heartbreak in a silk tie.
But here's the problemSpectacle isn't sustainable.
He couldn't maintain theversion of himself that Robin
fell in love with during theproposal Because it wasn't fully
integrated.
He skipped the therapy arc andwent straight to the Hollywood
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ending, and that's why it didn'tlast.
Lily and Marshall Codependencyin cute packaging.
Let's talk about the coupleeveryone romanticizes.
Lily and Marshall are sweet,devoted and still very fused.
(06:00):
This isn't to say their loveisn't real.
It's just that their emotionalenmeshment often gets passed off
as hashtag couple goals when inreality they had some serious
boundary issues.
Lily secretly racked up creditcard debt.
She left for San Francisco tofind herself without including
Marshall in the conversation andMarshall crumbled without her
(06:23):
and struggled with individuation.
And Marshall crumbled withouther and struggled with
individuation.
They loved each other deeply,but sometimes they loved each
other in ways that didn't leaveroom for growth.
They show us somethingimportant Even healthy couples
can fall into functionalcodependency where individual
identity gets sacrificed forrelational security.
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Would I call them toxic?
No, but would I call themdifferentiated, not quite
Narrative brilliance whenwriting mirrors psychology.
Let's pause for a moment andadmire the writing, because for
all the emotional chaos, theshow did something rare it
(07:08):
reflected our psychologicaltruths back to us.
Let's talk about a fewbrilliant story choices.
The Robin Proposal Barney usedmanipulation because he didn't
trust love would arrive for himany other way.
The proposal works because it'sexactly how his trauma would
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propose the mother's death.
The audience felt betrayed, butthat's the point.
Ted never really let go ofRobin.
He grieved and grew and stillcircled back in.
He grieved and grew and stillcircled back.
Sometimes healing doesn't looklike a clean arc.
(07:49):
It looks like a relapse inbetter lighting.
In the finale it mirrored whatmany of us do return to the
relationships we never resolved,hoping they'll be different the
next.
The show didn't give us theending we wanted.
It gave us the ending thatpeople like Ted often create for
(08:15):
themselves.
These were not writing failures.
They were emotional blueprints.
Which how I Met your Mothercharacter are you when you're
triggered?
We all see ourselves in thisgroup of emotionally chaotic
30-somethings.
But the question isn't just whoyou are when things are good.
It's who you become when you'reemotionally activated.
(08:36):
So which how I met your mothercharacter are you when your
nervous system is screaming?
This doesn't feel safe.
Let's break it down.
Ted Mosby the hopeful, idealist,anxious, preoccupied attachment
.
You fall fast and fall hard.
(08:58):
Read meaning into every littletext or glance.
Dream about soulmates, butstruggle to stay grounded in
reality and confuse emotionalchaos for chemistry.
Your core wound is fear ofabandonment.
Your healing edge is learningto find security within, not
(09:22):
just in another person.
Quote that sums you up.
I love love, but love doesn'talways love me back the way I
need it.
To Robin Sherbatsky, theindependent defender, avoidant
attachment type you struggle toopen up value independence so
(09:48):
deeply it keeps people out, feelsuffocated by emotional
neediness and see vulnerabilityas weakness, but secretly crave
intimacy.
Your core wound is fear oflosing control or being consumed
and your healing edge isletting safe people in without
(10:11):
losing yourself.
Quote that sums you up I don'tdo relationships, I do exits.
Barney Stinson, the performer,protector, wounded inner child
plus narcissistic defense.
(10:31):
You use humor, sarcasm orsexuality to avoid vulnerability
.
You feel like you have to earnlove or prove your worth.
You feel like you have to avoiddeep relationships because they
feel too dangerous.
You fear being exposed is notenough.
Your core wound fear ofrejection and unworthiness.
(10:58):
Your healing edge letting go ofthe performance and trusting
that you are lovable as you are.
Quote that sums you up.
If they really knew me, they'dleave Lily Aldrin, the emotional
fixer.
(11:19):
Codependent tendencies you takecare of everyone else's needs
first.
You struggle to make decisionswithout your partner.
You feel guilty settingboundaries.
You fear being too much or tooselfish.
Your core wound fear ofdisappointing others.
(11:41):
Your healing edge, learningthat self-care is not
abandonment.
Quote that sums you up.
If everyone's okay, I'm okay.
Right, marshall Erickson thegentle anchor Secure but avoids
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conflict.
You want stability and harmony.
Sometimes avoid conflict tokeep the peace.
You struggle when youremotional rock, like a partner
or a friend, pulls away and youseek purpose and safety in
relationships.
Your core wound fear of beingleft behind.
(12:29):
Your healing edge, trustingyour own strength and
confronting discomfort head on.
Quote that sums you up.
I just want everyone to be okay.
Reflective prompt whichcharacter feels like a mirror
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and which one feels like a maskI wear when I don't feel safe?
And here's a therapy check-inwhen I reach for love, am I
reaching from my healed self ormy wounded one?
Love loops when the one is justan emotional rerun.
A lot of us don't chase love,we chase resolution.
(13:17):
We chase the version ofourselves we wish we'd been in
the last relationship.
Chase the version of ourselveswe wish we'd been in the last
relationship.
We try to win over people whotrigger the exact same wounds as
our exes, because if we can getit right this time, we think
we'll finally be healed.
Enter Ted and Robin.
Ted didn't just love Robin, hewas looping her over and over,
(13:44):
through other partners, throughmarriages, through years.
Because, to Ted, getting Robinto choose him wasn't just about
love, it was about rewriting theoriginal rejection.
This is called repetitioncompulsion Freud coined it but
honestly, it's just humanbehavior in a trench coat.
(14:06):
Maybe this time it'll bedifferent.
We whisper, but our nervoussystem is just whispering back.
Let's keep chasing the familiarpain.
Here's a therapy tool for you.
Here's a therapy tool for you.
Ask yourself is this attractionor is this my trauma,
(14:29):
remembering something it nevergot to finish?
Here's a journal prompt.
What pattern am I calling fate?
That's really just fear.
In a different outfit.
Parts at the Table, an IFS mapof Barney Stinson.
Let's look at Barney throughthe lens of internal family
systems, because that man is awalking coalition of protectors.
(14:53):
When you think of Barney, youmight see the suits and swagger,
but under that he's made ofparts.
Let's name them.
The performer keeps everyonelaughing, so no one asks how
he's really doing.
The seducer uses sex to feelworthy of attention and in
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control.
The abandoned inner child stillwaiting for his dad to come
back.
The numb one shuts off feelingswhen they start to sting and
the rulemaker invents theplaybook to feel like he's
winning something he never feltworthy of.
Barney didn't become this wayon accident.
(15:37):
He became this way to survive.
Challenge accepted wasn't amotto, it was a trauma response.
Here's an IFS reflection forlisteners what part of me are
running the show in love?
Who's trying to keep me safeand who needs me to slow down
(16:00):
and listen?
The group dynamic whenfriendship becomes the comfort
zone.
Here's something people misswhen watching how I Met your
Mother.
The friend group itself is partof the emotional entanglement.
Yes, they were supportive, yes,they had great chemistry, but
they also enabled each other'sdysfunction, stayed silent when
(16:25):
someone spiraled and made hugelife decisions based on what the
group would think.
This happens in real life too.
Sometimes we grow out of ourfriends.
Sometimes our inner healingcreates external tension and
sometimes the comfort offamiliarity keeps us stuck in
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identities we're meant tooutgrow.
Who am I without this group isa terrifying question,
especially when the group hasbeen your only emotional anchor.
Here's a therapy takeawaySupport systems are only healthy
if they allow you to evolve.
(17:06):
The real grief of how I met yourmother.
Mourning the fantasy, let'stalk about the death of the
mother.
A lot of people felt betrayed,and not just because she died,
but because she was the perfectpartner we waited nine seasons
for and then gone.
Here's what the show gets right.
(17:29):
We don't grieve people, wegrieve what we imagined with
them.
We grieve potential.
Ted didn't just lose Tracy, helost the future he planned in
his head, the safety he thoughthe'd finally found and the
version of himself that couldrest.
(17:50):
That's why he ran back to Robin, not because it made sense, but
because grief scrambles ourlogic and reaches for the last
familiar comfort we had.
Here's a listener prompt.
What version of the future am Istill grieving, even though it
never actually happened?
(18:12):
Listener confessionals tell meyour TED moment.
Let's open the floor becausewe've all had a TED moment.
That person you couldn't let goof, even though they never
really chose you, that grandgesture you made, hoping it
would fix everything, and thatbelief that if it's meant to be,
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it'll come back, when really itjust never left your attachment
wound.
Call it in DM it Text it toyour therapist and if you want
your voice to be part of afuture episode, send me your TED
moment in a voice memo.
Here's a confessional prompt.
(18:56):
Tell me about the time youcalled something fate, but
looking back it was really aloop fate.
But looking back, it was reallya loop.
The finale fallout, amasterclass in narrative
betrayal.
So let's talk about that finale.
It aired on March 31st 2014.
(19:18):
13.13 million people tuned in towatch the final episode of how
I Met your Mother and leftfeeling betrayed, bamboozled and
emotionally catfished.
The internet melted, petitionswere signed, memes were made,
(19:40):
therapists booked were made,therapists booked.
The two-part series finale,last Forever, is the
lowest-rated episode of theentire series on IMDb, with a
5.5 out of 10.
By contrast, the 200th episode,how your Mother Met Me, is the
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highest-rated, a beloved, deepdive into Tracy's life,
personality and the timing thatfinally aligned her with Ted.
And then they killed her off intwo minutes and handed Ted back
to Robin like a consolationprize with a French horn.
Ouch.
(20:31):
Here's some public reactions.
Over 20,000 fans signed onlinepetitions to redo the ending.
Reddit threads turned intocollective trauma processing
groups and fan comments rangedfrom I feel gaslit to I've never
hated a show this much whilestill loving it.
Critics weren't kinder.
Time called it a con job,vulture said it undercut nine
(20:54):
years of growth and viewersrenamed it how I Settled for
your Ann Robin.
Here's my take.
This wasn't just poorstorytelling.
This was a classic case ofdisorganized closure.
Wait, you're telling me thestory of how you met my mother
(21:15):
so you can ask permission todate my aunt again.
That's a confusing emotionalblueprint for any child or
viewer.
Why it stung so much.
Attachment whiplash.
Ted's arc moved toward earnedsecurity, only to regress
(21:36):
Emotional invalidation.
Tracy's death was treated as anarrative inconvenience, encycle
reenactment.
Robin was never emotionallyavailable to Ted, so why frame
it as the endgame?
From a therapy lens?
We often help clients stopreturning to the people they
couldn't heal with.
The finale said return to themanyway.
(21:59):
It's romantic Cue, thecollective eye roll.
Lena's alternate ending.
If I had the writer's room,here's what we'd do instead.
Final season we still meetTracy, we still see the yellow
umbrella, we still get thelong-awaited connection between
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two emotionally available adultswho are ready for real intimacy
.
But instead of killing her offoffscreen like a plot
inconvenience, we give her whatshe deserved A life, a voice, a
role beyond the womb.
Robin's ending.
Robin travels the world, findspurpose in her journalism and
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eventually builds a life that isfull, fulfilling and entirely
her own.
She and Ted make peace, notromance.
Ted realizes she was the lesson, not the destination.
They share one last rooftopdrink.
No grand gestures, no proposals, just gratitude and growth.
(23:08):
Barney's ending Barney becomesa dad, not as a plot twist, but
as a full circle moment.
He enters actual therapy, maybeprompted by Lily or even a
heartbreak.
He burns the playbook for real,not for a woman, but for
himself.
(23:28):
Tracy's ending Tracy and Tedraise their kids with laughter,
security and minor chaos.
They tell stories not becausethey're perfect, but because
they chose to grow together.
The final voiceover and thatkids is how I met your mother,
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in one moment, but in a millionsmall ones, and every single one
mattered.
The how I Met your Motherfinale didn't fail because
people wanted a happy ending.
It failed because it skippedearned healing in favor of
nostalgic chaos.
But healing doesn't require arewrite of your past.
(24:10):
It just needs you to stopcalling your trauma a love story
.
Let's talk about Tracy, theghost of the mother.
Let's give this woman thedignity the series never did.
Tracy McConnell, the mother, wassmart, emotionally available,
(24:32):
warm, secure, grief, literateand full of life, and yet the
show treated her like a plotdevice, a placeholder for real
love, used to tie up Ted'snarrative with a neat little bow
, only to be killed off so hecould go chase Robin again.
No, ma'am, let's be clear.
(25:01):
Tracy was the most securelyattached person on this show.
She took her time grieving Max,her late partner.
She knew what she wanted andwaited for it and she was funny
for it.
And she was funny, emotionallytuned in and had boundaries.
When Ted met Tracy for thefirst time in the entire show he
slowed down.
There was no rushing, nofantasy, no fireworks, just a
(25:24):
grounded love that grew fromshared values and emotional
availability.
But instead of celebrating thatas the win, the show treated
her as a romantic speed bump, anarrative convenience and a womb
with a name.
Tracy wasn't just the mother.
She was the person Ted wasfinally ready to meet after
(25:47):
doing the work and the fact thatthe show undid that arc in the
final minutes.
That wasn't just bad writing,it was emotional erasure.
It was emotional erasure.
Let's say it out loud the mostemotionally regulated character
(26:08):
deserved more than a flashbackand a funeral.
Here's a quick fire round how Imet your mother versus real life
therapy.
Here's what happened on theshow and what your therapist
would actually say.
Ted brings a random woman to awedding 24 hours after meeting
her your therapist.
(26:31):
Let's talk about romanticdelusion and projecting unmet
needs onto strangers.
Lily leaves Marshall to go findherself in San Francisco out
discussing it with him first.
You're a therapist.
That's not individuation,that's emotional abandonment.
Robin freaks out when Barneygets too emotionally close.
(26:59):
Your therapist, your avoidantpart just came online and is
trying to protect you from beinghurt.
Barney creates an elaborateplan to propose by fake dating
someone else.
Your therapist.
You've intellectualized yourway out of intimacy Again.
Ted calls up Robin to rekindleromance after the death of his
wife.
You're a therapist.
(27:20):
This isn't fate, this isunresolved grief masquerading as
a second chance.
Sometimes love isn't destiny,it's a pattern, and patterns
don't change until we do.
Dear how I Met your Mother.
Writers a therapist's openletter.
Dear how I Met your MotherWriters.
(27:43):
First of all, thank you.
You gave us one of the mosticonic sitcoms of a generation.
You gave us one of the mosticonic sitcoms of a generation.
You gave us Legend, wait for it, derry, a Blue French Horn,
slap Bets and way too manyscenes at McLaren's for people
with jobs.
You also gave us a realisticportrayal of grief in Tracy, a
(28:05):
nuanced look at anxious andavoidant attachment and an
emotionally wounded playboy inBarney who slowly unraveled his
own armor Until he didn't,because he, just when Barney
started showing growth realgrowth you gave us a finale that
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rushed everything.
You broke him and Robin up offscreen.
You threw him back into hookupculture and then you dropped a
baby into his life like a moralband-aid.
Let's talk about that.
Barney becomes a father to ababy girl named Ellie.
He holds her in his arms andsays you are the love of my life
(28:48):
, everything I have andeverything I am is yours forever
.
Cue the collective sob.
It's one of the most tender,vulnerable things Barney ever
says, and it's real.
That moment felt earned.
But here's the problem wedidn't get to see how we got
(29:08):
there.
Problem we didn't get to seehow he got there.
We didn't get the inner work.
We got the outcome but not theart.
As therapists, we know thatchange is more than a plot twist
.
It's messy, it's nonlinear.
Barney deserved an earnedredemption, art, not a
redemption by baby and Ellie.
She deserved to be more than asymbol.
(29:30):
She deserved a dad who wasfully integrated, not
emotionally patched together inthe 11th hour, sincerely a
therapist and also a deeplyemotionally invested viewer.
Ps.
Barney needed EMDR, not just adiaper bag.
Pop culture therapy what how IMet your Mother teaches us about
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being human.
Let's zoom out.
This isn't just about how I Metyour Mother.
It's about the power ofstorytelling to reflect back our
emotional truths.
Why do we get so angry atfinales, truths, why do we get
so angry at finales?
Because we project our healingonto characters.
We need to see them grow,because it gives us hope that we
(30:17):
can too, and when they don't,it feels like our own progress
got erased with them.
But here's what I want you toremember you are not Ted.
You are not doomed to repeat.
You get to choose new endings.
So when the show hands you afinale you didn't ask for, you
(30:38):
can say no thanks, I'm writing anew script.
You can grieve the Tracy younever got.
You can release the Robin thatnever stayed.
You can build the kind of lovestory that doesn't need
spectacle because it's rooted insafety.
This is pop culture therapy.
This is why we tell stories,this is how we heal, why we
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loved it the emotional magic ofhow I met your mother.
So, now that we've picked itapart with therapist precision,
let's take a moment toacknowledge why how I Met your
Mother mattered so much to somany people.
This show wasn't just nineseasons of jokes and failed
(31:25):
relationships.
It was a comfort show, acoming-of-age story.
It was a comfort show, acoming-of-age story, a time
capsule of post-college chaos,emotional firsts and chosen
family.
People loved it because itcaptured something rare the
in-between years when you're notquite who you were but not yet
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who you're going to be.
The feeling of being lost,hopeful, chaotic and still
reaching for love.
The ache of waiting for theright job, the right partner,
the right version of yourself.
It blended humor withheartbreak in a way that felt
(32:07):
real.
One episode would make youlaugh out loud, the next would
wreck you with a single scene,like Marshall sitting on the
steps after his dad dies,clutching a phone that would
never ring again.
And of course, there were therituals Legendary night at
McLaren's, inside jokes likesandwiches and slap bets, and
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the slow, soul-stretching waylove stories unfolded for many
of us.
How I met your mother mirroredour lives as they were happening
the bad dates, the almosts, thefriends who felt like home, the
years where we thought we hadmore time.
It gave us language, the one,the playbook, the olive theory
(32:53):
have you met, ted?
But more than anything, it gaveus hope that love could still
be out there waiting around thecorner of some yellow umbrella
moment.
It wasn't just about how he metthe mother.
It was about how we all fumbled, searched, lost and loved on
(33:16):
the way to becoming who we are.
And that, my friends, is how wemet the mess Not just Ted's
mess or Robin's or Barney's,with his tailored trauma and a
three-piece suit, but our own.
How I met your mother wasn'tperfect.
It stumbled, it looped, itbroke our hearts and sometimes
(33:39):
didn't know how to say sorry.
But maybe that's why we lovedit, because it felt like us.
It mirrored the years we werestill figuring it out, when we
thought love had to be chased,when friendship was our only
anchor, when grief came too soon, when we stayed in places we'd
already outgrown, just becausethey felt familiar.
(34:02):
The show didn't just tell us astory, it asked us to sit with
our own.
So as we close this episode,I'll leave you with this who are
you loving from your wounds?
Who might you love if you letyourself heal?
And are you still chasing anold story when you could be
(34:23):
writing a new one?
You don't need a yellowumbrella, you don't need the
perfect timing or the rooftopkiss or a legendary twist ending
.
You just need you fully present, imperfect and ready to stop
waiting for closure and startliving with intention, because
(34:43):
the most powerful love storyyou'll ever tell is the one
where you finally come home toyourself.
This is Licensed and Unfiltered.
If this episode gave yousomething to think about or made
you text your therapist, shareit with someone who might need
it too.
Until next time, stay mindful,stay secure-ish and stop calling
(35:07):
your ex after re-watching oldsitcoms.
Talk soon.